#because he knew I was aroace yet he still said things implying I’ll grow out of it

[kavehater]

Laughing at the fact DB asked me to “come over” like okay first of all we’re on the other side of the world from each other second … literally WHAT would we do if I went to America I know exactly what would happen and there is little to nothing else that could stem from such a trip other than that. That’s a lot of money and effort spent travelling just for that bro get a girl in your own country goddamn 😭

[archaickobold]

So I wrote a thing and it’s very gay. I want to put it up on my ao3 (clockwork_dragon if you want to check it out) but it has strikethroughs and I’m going to have to manually html those and I don’t want to do that right now so. Anyways this is a part of one of my established universes but you don’t need to know anything about it to read this. The story is under the cut, enjoy!

(Oh and sorry if parts of it read weird, I’m aroace and writing a crush is hard when you’ve never experienced romantic or sexual attraction oof)

And warnings are implied/referenced abuse, internalized homophobia, and I think that’s it. If I need to add anything else, lmk!

April 3rd, 1883. England

Damien sighed as he opened the door to the tailor’s shop, bell jingling overhead. His parents had insisted that he had to be fitted for a new suit, despite the fact that they could barely afford to do so. But they were so stubborn that he had to look as neat and fine as he could so that he would be able to “bring honor to the family name.” Damien really knew that meant they wanted people to think they were richer than they actually were, and they were achieving their goal through him. 

He was broken out of his thoughts when he was approached by the tailor’s assistant. As soon as he laid eyes on him, Damien felt a weird feeling in his chest. It seemed familiar, but he pushed it out of his mind. 

“How can I help you?” He asked, and Damien’s mouth was suddenly dry. 

“I-I’m here for a suit fitting,” he managed to stutter out, cursing his inability to talk to (incredibly handsome NO) strangers. The assistant didn’t comment on it, gratefully, and instead checked a list next to the register. 

“Everett, Damien?” He asked, and Damien nodded, internally wincing as he heard his mother’s disapproving voice in his head. He knew he should’ve just said yes, such a simple, one syllable word, but he didn’t want to risk stuttering over it and embarrassing himself further. “Right this way, follow me,” he said, turning to walk towards the back of the store. Damien followed, and saw a man he assumed was the tailor helping a client. 

“Ah, Ray. Would you mind helping him?” he said, nodding at Damien. “Whoever made this suit apparently did not have an ounce of care for the tailor who would have to alter it, so this is taking longer than expected. Besides, you’ve been training to do this for a while, so you should be fine. Off you go!” He said, seemingly not pausing for breath or to let the assistant reply. Shrugging, the assistant, Ray, Damien assumed, turned to look at him. 

“Right this way, then,” he said, leading Damien over to the dressing rooms.

“Are you alright?” Ray asked as he used a pin to mark a seam line that needed to be taken in. Damien started to shrug, but stopped just in time. He didn’t want to get stabbed by a loose pin. 

“I’m not very comfortable with all of the…” he gestured vaguely, “adjusting and touching and such you have to do. It’s just-” he stopped, his face bright red. “I know you have to, it’s part of the job, and all. But I’m not used to it, and it’s odd, and-” he cut himself off from his rambling, pointedly not looking at the (very cute NONONO) assistant. He hummed in response, saying

“I’m sorry, but you are right. There’s not much I can do about it, but I’ll try to minimize the amount of touching I have to do, alright?” Damien said nothing but nodded slightly. To his surprise, Ray kept to his promise and Damien noticed his movements were quicker and more precise than they had been. Ray didn’t say much, clearly focusing harder on his work now, but Damien found he didn’t mind. He was oddly touched that Ray had actually listened to him and didn’t brush him off, but he pushed the feeling aside. Of course he would listen to him, he didn’t want to get in trouble with his boss and his job was to listen to the customer.

Sooner than expected, Ray stepped back from Damien with a critical eye and nodded.

“It looks done. Does it feel right?” He asked. Damien carefully moved his arms experimentally before nodding.

“Yes, it fits much better now, thank you.” Ray grinned at him, a blinding (adorable Whwhywhynononono) smile that made Damien blush slightly. (Why did he keep doing that? he wondered.)

“Well then, if you’ll change out of that, we’ll start making the alterations. You should be able to pick it up next week,” he said, handing Damien his clothes. He took them and made his way over to the dressing room, trying to figure out the knot that had taken up place in his stomach. As he got dressed, he decided this was an issue he would have to ask his sister about.

-----

“That sounds like a crush.” Naomi said, after Damien had explained what he felt about Ray to her. He laughed. 

“No, no it can’t be. He’s a guy, and I’m a guy. No, I couldn’t, I can’t, I shouldn’t-” he spoke faster and faster, until his voice gave out, and he started to silently sob. Silently, because, no one wants to hear that Damien, why are you such a crybaby, grow up already, why do you-

His spiraling thoughts were interrupted as he felt a comforting hand on his back. Naomi. His sister. She always supported him, was always there for him when their parents weren’t. 

“Damien, can you listen to me?” she asked quietly. Damien nodded. 

“It’s okay if you love a guy. No, listen,” she said, seeing Damien was about to interrupt her. “I know what our parents have said, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner. I wanted to keep you safe from them, or as safe as I could. But I’m telling you now, so listen. You loving another man is not shameful, or blasphemous, or anything, okay? It’s just part of who you are, and our parents and… other people, are too stubborn to listen to reason. But don’t let them tell you how to live your life. You’re almost 17 and you’re more than old enough to be able to tell who you love and how, okay?” Damien nodded silently, still not completely believing her. He wanted to, god, he wanted to believe her with all his heart, but the years of his parents’ words still beat at his skull.

“But, Naomi, I know I thought I was gay back when I was a kid, but I was still growing! I grew out of that phase. There’s no way that this is a crush. None.” Naomi sighed, and looked out the window.

“Look,” she said, “do you want to be friends with him, at least?” 

“Yes.” Damien replied, without a second of hesitation. He was sure of that much, at least.

“Then be his friend. If later, you do realize you have a crush on him, ask him out, and if you don’t, then at least you have a friend, okay?” Damien considered her words. He couldn’t didn’t have a crush on Ray, but he saw no harm in following her advice. Cautiously, he nodded.

“Okay.” 

-----

Several months later, he flopped down onto her bed dramatically. 

“Oh my god I have a crush on Ray.” she looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

“Finally caught up to the rest of us, have you?” she snarked, and Damien glared at her out of the corner of his eye. 

“Give me a break, it’s not exactly an idea I like, you know.” He sighed and covered his face. “Why couldn’t I be straight, I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this, it’d be so much easier.” he groaned. Naomi threw a pillow at him.

“Well, you clearly aren’t, so you have to deal with this.” her face softened. “But seriously, did you want to talk about it? Or did you just want to mope around on my bed?” 

“...talk about it,” Damien replied, his voice muffled by the pillow that was currently smooshed into his face.

“Okay, well, what did you want to say?” Naomi gently prodded. Damien sighed and looked at her over the pillow.

“I don’t even know anymore, none of this is making sense.” he said, and Naomi noticed the bags under his eyes. Of course he wasn’t sleeping well either, as if she wasn’t worried about him enough.

“Okay then, how about we start at the beginning? When did you think you might have a crush?” She asked. Damien sighed again.

“I don’t even know, it kind of just happened, you know? One day, we were out for lunch and I noticed the way the sunlight reflected in his eyes and it was so pretty, or how when I had to get yet another suit fitted,” he scrunched his nose, “and he was measuring my waist, he had to wrap his arms around me for a second, and it was like an almost hug, except he wasn’t touching me because the first time I talked to him I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it and he remembered and just,” he vaguely waved his hands. “The little things added up, and the next thing I know, I have a crush on him.” Naomi smiled at him.

“For what it’s worth? I think you’ve had a crush on him for a while. You don’t have to believe me,” she said, holding up a hand at his protests, “but from what I can tell, you’ve always had a thing for him.” she grinned mischievously. “Now, when are you going to ask him out?” Damien blushed and looked away. 

“I don’t know if I want to,” he admitted quietly. “He’s amazing and wonderful and kind, but what if he’s straight? Or if he doesn’t like me at all? I don’t want to ruin our friendship. Plus, I know that you said being gay and all is okay, but I can’t help but feel that I’m still in the wrong. It’s just- years of being told I was wrong…” his voice trailed out, and Naomi leaned in to give him a hug. She paused.

“May I?” she asked, and Damien silently nodded. Instantly, she enveloped him in a hug. She squeezed him and held him close, even as she felt him shudder with silent sobs.

“I know, I know. It’s okay,” she whispered, offering comfort their parents never had. She felt her anger blaze red hot, but she pushed it aside. She couldn’t afford to do anything to her parents, not as long as they controlled her and Damien. So, helpless, she held her younger brother and soothed him as he dealt with his emotional turmoil as he realized he had a crush on another boy.