#because i want to A. pick up gator (strong man style)

[chickenoptyrx]

....I just wanted to draw gators :T at this point these 2 are more 'a representation of my last 2 brain cells' then they are actual characters 😅

[babiebom]

Im a Bit curious about who your favorite characters are from the fandoms your writing for (also love your taste in kpop)

PS: k-drama recommendation

- Strong Woman Do Bong Soon

- Until we meet again (it's thai but still good)

- The sadness (Korean film)

- How may I help you

- Mouse

- Lovenest

- Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-joo

- Style (from 2009)

Ohoohoo~ anon you fell into my trap I love ranting about my faves also thank you(x3) for the recs Strong Woman Do Bong Soon is one of my favorite kdramas and Park Boyoung is like my third favorite actress so I already know your taste is good without having seen anything else also putting my faves below the cut because only god himself can stop me now. (I promise I will try to keep this short and sweet)

Warnings: spoilers for some series, cursing, bit of sus wording and thoughts yknow

Stardew Valley

Sebastian (Sebby/Seb/Loml)

Can you tell that I'm a sucker for grumpy bf x sunshine gf tropes????

Honestly along with the reader insert fic in gonna write(lets hope I finish it) I wanna write maybe a Seb x OC or something idkidk

Of the bachelorettes Penny is my favorite bc shes lowkey me (I sometimes teach kids and I want to have a bunch of them love housewife vibes)

In ridgeside so far Phillip is my favorite mostly bc I don't know the others that well amd im only gifting 6 people at a time and he just so happened to get picked he's so cute I love it when people are passionate about something

In Stardew Valley Extended Victor is the loml like yeah he's a rich guy but he also seems like a huge nerd and I love him

Also Claire(the joja mart girl) my tired queen plus

Also in terms of the kids Yuuma>Jas>Vincent>Trinnie>Keahi

Mystic Messenger

At first I was a Zen girl

Then I was a Yoosung girl

Then I was a Jaehee girl

Then I was a Jumin girl

And now I'm in my final form as a Saeyoung girl

I love him so much my man my man

I played this game for MONTHS like I was at school pulling my phone out to hurry through a chat room so i didn't miss anything

Was waking up in the middle of the night

The chokehold these men had on my PLS

Five Nights At Freddy's

Ok so at first i hated this game bc im a crybaby and it scared me so bad

Also bc I had an intense fear of animatronics and people in the mascot suits as a kid after going to chuck e cheese and being terrified of the things om stage and then getting stuck in a ride its a whole thing omfg

But then security breach came out and I was like oh? Why'd they make the animatronics sexy????? So like the first couple of games I dont have a favorite(except i think Chica is ugly dont hate me) bc like theyre kid souls but since the sb animatronics arent ghost kids indo have a favorite

Which is Monty

I love him he is my gator man<3333 also justice for Foxy I know he would've been cute af.

Dead By Daylight

Killerwise Ghostface is my favorite

And I know its a basic bitch answer but omfg that man could be the cause of my demise and I would say thank you

Also Oni is cool

Also trickster is cute

Womanwise for killer the Artist is my favorite shes so pretty I love her

I hate specifically wesker and the twins I feel like i needed to add this BC I hate them so much also Freddy kreuger but like thats obvious bc its included in my rules

Survivors I love are Leon(again basic bitch answer) Jake Park, Dwight, and theres more but i cant remember r n

For women its Nea(I main her), Meg, Ada, Kate, Elodie, again theres more but I cant remember and my brain is hurting

I do not like feng min or whatsherface the kpop manager lady bc of how people play them

Twilight

Team Edward or Jacob?

I am an Emmett girl

I am also a Seth girl

They have been the loves of my life since the movies came out

When I read the books I liked Carlisle the most <3

Honestly twilight making a comeback was the best tike for me bc of all the new content people were making

I love the series pls

Also again Womanwise Rosalie is the loml

Also alice

Also Esme

Also Leah

Pls the women are so amazing

Harry Potter

Also lemme preface this by saying I do not agree with jkr or anything she has been saying

But I did get into this fandom a couple years ago when i was in high school because of a friend

And I do still love the series but now I only consume fanmade things

That being said Remis Lupin has my heart

Also Fred and George

And Cedric

And if anyone wanted to know my house I am a Hufflepuff<3

The Outsiders

Through and through I am a Dallas girl

Can yall tell my type yet?

When reading the book I was also a Johnny girl and I literally wanted the best for him and was so mad When he DID NOT GET IT

Now that I'm older that entire situation is bullshit

Like as a 22 year old that still lives with her family the thought of having to take care of myself plus younger siblings with no help and also have the house where everyone hangs out stresses me out

Like I love my little sister but i am so glad my parents have raised us to have and keep jobs even if we hate it bc I know she would help me with everything

Like I know Soda helped as much as he could but GOD bad situation for everyone

Johnny did not deserve the ending he got

The Walking Dead

Okay so lemme just say that I am into dilfs this is a dilf loving safe space idc

Rick can get it and him being lowkey insane is attractive (do not be like me pls)

Love his long hair

Also had a crush on Carl when he was in the show (he is a year older than me im not a creep)

I have not gotten to later seasons so maybe there are still cute people idk i need to re watch

I also hated Lori and Shane with a passion

I still do

I cannot imagine hooking up with my husbands friend of my friends husband or whateverbskkakslal

I will rant on and on about this it genuinely makes me mad

I do however love Maggie and Peggy(is this her name? The sister?) We love country girls

I am a Michonne simp through and through

I am a simple lady

Cool woman with sword? Count me in

Once Upon A Time

Though I hate Regina I find her so attractive its not even funny

When I was younger i had a huge crush on Peter Pan

Now rewatching I am a Captain Hook Simp

Also Mad Hatter

Also Ruby

Also Graham in season 1 if anyone remembers him

Gawd these men

Ruby number 1 IDC IDC

Also Mulan

PLEASE

I have also not gotten super far in this show

Marvel

I'm gonna just list my favorites bc like I already feel super exposed and im writing all of this in one go bc I am so excited to share but my phone is broken

So number one is Steve im so mad he went back to Peggy but at the same time he deserves happiness

Number two Bucky again im a basic girl and tragic men attract me idk

Peter loml so cute also the only spiderman movies ive seen dont kill me

Wanda love her still have not seen Multiverse of madness last thing i watched is wandavison

Loved pietro

Thor my bb

I cannot think of any more

Doctor Who

I guess this one is going to be different because I have only seen new who and I do not dislike any doctor at all so i guess imma just rank them

9th(watched his season twice once when I was younger and was just getting into the show and then once a couple years ago when I committed to watching the show)

11th

10th

12th

13th(I do not hate her I am just new to her bc I am still on her first season since i procrastinate to make the series last longer)

Then i guess I'll rank the companions bc again I dont really dislike anyone

Martha(best girl i love her so much)

Donna

Amy

Clara

Bill

Yasmine

River(literally going to name a kid River bc of how much i like the name)

Graham

Rose

Jack

Ryan

Nardole

Rory

Mickey

Criminal Minds

Spencer Reid

I have had a crush on this man since 2005

Since I was FOUR YEARS OLD

The first time i saw him I fell in love

No one will compare to my love

Hotch is a close second I do love my dom daddy(I am so sorry for saying this)

Penelope is also my love but in a platonic i would kill someone for her kind of way

Also Emily

White Lotus

Okay so lemme start by saying

Season 2 >season 1

The only people i like im season 1 are Tanya and Belinda

Everyone else are kind of dislikeable

Well the rich guys wife is fine but shes not my favorite

Season 2 however i like like half of the characters

Obviously Tanya is on the list bc she is so funny

But Ethan is my favorite especially later in the season bc again guys like that are my thing

Also Harper but mainly bc of Aubrey

Then Daphne is the loml and she deserves better

And Lucia my bb

And Valentina

And Albie even if he seems like a "nice guy"

Love these characters

WE HATE GREG IN THIS HOUSE

Ouran High School Host Club

Takashi Morinozuka has my entire heart love this man

Honey is just me but male

And Haruhi loml pls shes so cute but also she tries to be the best person I love her

Also Kasanoda(and in the manga the girl he ends up with is kinda cool)

This again should also just be a ranking bc i love all the characters but im gonna limit myself

Kuroshitsuji

Again imma give a basic bitch answer and say Sebastian

I know hes a demon

I know he would hate me bc duh

But pls sir

Give me one chance

Also the undertaker

Also Agni

Also snake and joker

Grelle would be my platonic soulmate shes so funny

I also would like to protect Ciel(not the twin like not the real ciel or whatever I mean our ciel)

Like I understand that he basically siccs his demon on people and had them killed

But at the same time in my eyes he is literally just a traumatized little boy and i feel so bad for him

I know hes fictional but if i could change what happened to him i would

Finny is baby

I have typed for too long pls

Also thank you for asking this<3 feel free to ask other things and request stuff!!

[theveryworstthing]

So over on patreon Trevor asked for my take on the Addams Family and I grew up LOVING the Addams family movies so here we are. Instead of doing a straight up style interpretation, I decided to do a full on design challenge, using the characters as bases to make a black southern gothic Addams au. I actually drew the kids first, using the character bases of Wednesday and Pugsley to create some delightful kiddos I'm calling Sunday and Blanche. I of course then redesigned Gomez and Morticia into Carlisle and Mortesha.

The Addams have a very specific high aristocratic goth aesthetic (they've got a butler and nobody really works among other things) so in this re-imagining I wanted to go with vibes that run a little more middle class/upper middle class.  I thought it would be interesting to think about what would be considered weird and off-putting in an entirely different culture, and how being a big ol' goth is way less controversial than it used to be.

I tried to keep this short (HAHAHAHAHAHA) so I didn't spin off into an essay about villain coded families, black people in the horror genre, and normalcy as it pertains to social survival, but just...bits of that are in these designs and lore. Keep that in mind.

Also I made the kids twins because they've flip flopped in age so much in different media and also twins run in my family (i'm the daughter of one). And let's face it, I'm pulling a lot of their southern gothic traits from living as a southern goth so *shrug*.

10 thousand pounds of lore incoming loooooooooool.

The Parents

From the moment he saw her he knew that there was a 50/50 chance of him either never making it out of that swamp alive or marrying the figure that was creeping out from under the distant willow tree in a black cocktail dress. The third time she found him trussed up in one of her traps, he complimented her rope work and asked if she'd like to go out sometime after his head wound stopped bleeding.

Or while it was still bleeding.

If she was into that.

Some kids and a mysteriously burnt down Piggly Wiggly later, their love is still as strong and inescapable as a bear trap in a sink hole.

Carlisle Guillermo (now Addams through marriage but I wanted to give him two first names for a name since Gomez has two last names) makes a vaguely described living practicing ‘law’ around town. A loophole king, people come to him from miles around with contracts signed in blood, fights over chunks of hair buried in their rivals’ yard, dehydrated primate hands, memories that seemed like dreams until the evidence of their happenings became too real, and other regular Legal Items asking for counsel which he is all too happy to give. For a price. Sometimes that price is a homemade pie and sometimes it’s a million dollars, depends on who you are. Whatever you’re asked to pay it’s worth that price, and if you try to scam him out of work or he just plain doesn’t like you? Well. He knows how to twist a contract better than anything at the crossroads.

And he always gets his due.

He doesn’t just serve the local (living)humans though, there are many things that need proper legal representation in this day and age. You wouldn’t believe how many city councils try to build on sacred burial grounds even after he lets them know that his ghostly clients are totally gonna haunt the FUCK out of the ensuing shitty condos and curse their families for all eternity. At least 50% of his energy goes towards dealing with real estate bullshit.

Carl is an excitable and good natured(?) man who loves his family, cigars, dancing, and his many knife-based hobbies. People find him very charming once they get past the feeling that they’re talking to a sultry gator badly disguising itself as a human. I didn’t put a ton of deep thought into designing him, mostly I wanted to make a middle aged dude who looked like he would have been voted ‘most likely to smooch the literal devil’ in high school. Tbh he probably has, but no demonic ex’s can compare to his lovely wife~

Mortesha Addams(her name was already perfect so I just tweaked it)is a woman of many talents. A self proclaimed homemaker, she prides herself on a greenhouse full of Concerning Foliage, a beautiful wasp apiary, and a coop full of what are probably chickens that she keeps for what are probably eggs. She’s also an avid creator of the outsider art that can be seen around the estate. She has taken on the family business of selling her homemade goods in a little stall by the road just outside the swamp with her mom, and makes pretty good money doing so. A surprising amount of poison gets bought in quaint southern towns.

Speaking of poison, people who come out to the edge of the swamp to buy it are usually carrying a lot of secrets around, and Mortesha knows most of them. It’s not like she pries the truth out of people, it just so happens that many nervous hellos eventually turn into the tragic backstory power hour if she’s alone with a client for long enough. She supposes that’s just how people are. Despite the fact that the Addams are very active in the community (whether the community likes it or not) she especially, as a direct descendant of the first Addams matriarch, is seen as…Well not an outsider because the community feels A Certain Way about outsiders and despite it all the Addams are their people, but maybe something like an exception. They feel like whatever weirdness they’re hiding can’t be weirder than any given Addams, so they get a little loose with their words.

This is amusing to her, since Addams’ don’t naturally keep the kind dramatic secrets that their surface level prim and proper neighbors do. It’s much more fun to openly talk about those things.

Do they have a sadly decrepit yet terrifying grandma up in the attic? Yeah, like three. They got a tv, all the creepy porcelain dolls they could want, and they’re close to family. Where do you keep your gram-grams?

Any bodies buried on the property? Yeah some, but most are thrown to the gators.

Any creeping through the balmy summer night with ill intentions? Yeah dude, everyone loves a nice family stroll.

What about dangerous forbidden love? If an adult Addams isn’t incorporeal then they’re either queer or in a torrid romance with some person/thing mysteriously drawn to that awful swamp. Sometimes both at the same time. Most times actually.

Mortesha would know.

The current head of the Addams family is just as outgoing as her husband but a lot quieter and harder to read. She never really seems to get mad about much and always has a genteel smile for everyone whether they deserve it or not. A seven foot tall human shaped “Oh, bless your heart”. A perfectly composed Lady even when she’s, oh I dunno, burning down a Piggly Wiggly. You know. A regular southern mom. Chat her up at the hair salon for 50% off a jar of wasp honey with your next purchase of a mysterious but foreboding packet of herbs.

Designing her was pretty easy because I just drew a lankier Grace Jones and called it a day. I had some problems with her outfit simply because if we were going HARD southern gothic then she’d probably be wearing a white/cream dress with a fuller skirt but I thought keeping the silhouette and the black was more important. She’s supposed to be an anti southern gothic southern gothic character anyway. A woman who looks like she has a million secrets who is actually the most open person you could meet. For better or worse. The red hair came from a coloring error that I really ended up liking (my mom had red hair her whole childhood that only darkened up in high school so I can buy that an Addams can be naturally fire engine red) and the veil was to get more of that classic Morticia silhouette in there.

The Children

Sunday and Blanche are the twin children of Carlisle and Mortesha Addams. Some say the Addams clan got their cursed homestead when a wealthy local businessman made a deal with the devil and lost, leaving his grand mansion to his least favorite maid and cutting his losses once he realized that the swamp would do everything it could to drag the house into the water and take what was owed with its horrible curse. Others say that the family has just always squatted there and no one really cares because man, fuck that particular swamp. Have you been in there? Absolute horror show.

Anyway.

Blanche is the more outgoing sibling and quite the engineer/mad scientist in the making. He started going grey at 2 weeks old but considering he was also rocking some extra fingers, toes, and a tiny tail (he takes after his dad), his parents just put it on the 'not life threatening' pile and decided not to worry about it. He's the kind of smart that teachers find utterly infuriating, less a dog eagerly learning and obeying commands and more a hyena who keeps teaching itself how to pick locks. He has a few friends in his school's robotics club (which they honestly allowed him to make so the school could contain his... creations) but mostly hangs out with his sister exploring the swamp. They find all sorts of neat things in there! wedding rings, suspiciously lumpy garbage bags, cloaked cultists who can't read private property signs, it's an adventure every day!

Blanche is all about experimentation with his creations, his look, and his tether to this mortal coil. Is lipstick a cool thing to try? Let's find out. Can he get out of a strait jacket fast enough after being pushed into the depths of the swamp by his sister? let's find out. He's not dead yet and confused local doctors can attest to the fact that he's rarely attained more than a bad bruise so he's pretty set on continuing to kiss rattlesnakes on their cute little heads and have his sister practice her knife throwing at him until that fact changes.

Blanche is very much a country goth. Cowboy boots (customized by his mom), knife, and lighter are daily accessories. He likes to wear the crusty swamp jewelry they find (the rust adds a splash of color!) and despite appearances he does try to keep himself neat. He's just got  natural Grunge Colors and a tendency to wear clothes he likes until they fall apart. Pugsley always seemed the most modernly styled to me (which might just be because little boys clothes have been the same for a long time) so I wanted Blanche to be the most purposely fashionable Addams. Everyone else is goth by nature, but he's the only one truly familiar with goth as an alternative fashion.

I got really into designing Blanche because honestly, I find Pugsley to be the most boring member of the family. And he was hard to design! I had to mess with his vibe a lot to get him looking how I wanted. I know he's supposed to evoke an " 'evil' little boy next door who's parents never reign him in", but that's just goth Dennis The Menace.  I's 2020. We can at least go queer goth Calvin.

Sunday was much easier to design. Wednesday was my favorite as a child (of course) and I really wanted to keep the spirit of her look while adding things like billowy sleeves (it gets HOT down here), big poofy twists instead of braids, and a nice tie. She's a professional after all, been running the local pet cemetery since she was 6 and the previous groundskeeper met with an unfortunate accident after telling her that tarantulas don't have souls. Her specialty is creating beautiful naturalistic animal funerals similar to those that Maquenda (https://linktr.ee/artofmaquenda) makes, and she takes pride in creating miniature dioramas of her subjects after each burial which she uses as a kind of 3D catalog for future clients.

She really wants to try out her skills on humans one day. Well. Publicly try out her skills. Lotta random bodies float into the swamp. None of them have turned down her requests for diorama models so far. Most seem downright flattered. Plus, she usually figures out which graveyard/crime scene they floated over from and gets her parents to give them a lift back. She'll even help enact terrifying revenge from beyond the grave on whoever put them there if she's not, y'know, busy.

Besides arts, crafts, and pet based funerary arrangements, Sunday is an avid lover of archery (any ranged weapon really), books where little fantasy adventure animals die dramatic deaths, and history. She is That Kid who eagerly raises her hand when asked who Christopher Columbus was and ends up being sent out of class after 15 minutes for making 'a scene'. Her favorite party trick is just picking an item in the room and talking about how it relates to either some obscure historical figure with a buck wild life or a horrible disaster. At least one charity pancake breakfast ended with children in tears after her vivid description of the Great Molasses Flood of 1919.

Social-wise, while Wednesday is the girl that people ask to smile because they think she'd, "look so pretty", Sunday is rarely asked anything at all. People just kind of assume from her quiet nature (in between horrible history facts) that she's angry all the time and that she hates everyone. This is untrue. She hates some people but she's ambivalent to most everyone else and even downright friendly if you bother to talk to her like a person instead of a terrifying cryptid. Like, she IS a terrifying cryptid but she's also a little girl.  

That’s about it for now. One day I might do the other family members but for now I’m happy with the four I’ve redesigned. Making an au! Lurch in a family that doesn’t do butlers could be interesting. Over on patreon I put forth that he could just be Motesha’s mute little brother (similar bone structure) but Amy Crook had the nice idea of quote: “ a mysterious "cousin" that "helps around the house" whose origins are both long in the past and faintly unsettling. He's good for lifting heavy things, like that tank of propane you're about to throw into the burning Piggly Wiggly... “ which i now consider canon. Who's kid is he? How old is he? Not important. Anyone willing to commit arson with you is family.

Annnnyway.  This challenge was a lot of fun! I love indulging in AU’s.

[the-broken-truth]

Human Roxanne Wolf Falls In Love With You [Part One - The Encounter]

Summary: You were hanging around the bar where the newly formed Glamrock Band happened to be having their opening party, but you weren't interested in them or their party and just wanted a drink. However, when some thugs try harassing The Keytarist of the Band - Roxanne Wolf - and you step in to defend her, she happens to fall in love with you and refuses to take no for an answer.

@security-breach-imagines: A Small Gift without an image. Should I make this a Yandere Story or Not?

[Location: The Lockwood Bar - Time: 8:45 P.M.]

"One Vodka on the Rocks." The Bartender said as he slid the drink into your waiting hand.

"Thanks." You slid him a $20 tip before grabbing your drink to bring to your lips for a slip - hoping to find some kind of piece in the loud bar. Why you decided to come to a bar to find some peace on the night of a Music Band Reveal Party was beyond you; all you knew was that you needed a drink after dealing with all the shit going down at the office and that dick - Dan - for fucking up the presentation in front of a major client today. Just the thought of him made you growl into your drink.

Tonight was the start of your long weekend and you needed something strong to be able to sleep tonight, a good glass of vodka was enough to knock you on your ass and get a goodnight's sleep because this weekend, you had some work to do; the client agreed to give your company another chance to sell them your product but only if someone who knew what they were doing was going to present the presentation and you offered to do it on Tuesday; you gave yourself a long weekend salvage what Dan fucked up. [No Disrespect To Any Dan - just a random name I picked.] Tonight was also the night a major party was being thrown in honor of the new band that just signed their contracts with Fazbear's Entertainment - The Glamrocks.

Just a few hours ago, the four members of the band - Childhood Friends - signed their contracts with Infamous Fazbear Entertainment. Fazbear Entertainment was a well-known industry that specialized in music production and children's entertainment, as well as known for all their famous Pizzareas. The Eldest Son of the CEO of Fazbear Entertainment - Freddy Fazbear - started a band with his friends - Montgemory Gator, Chica [No Surname], and Roxanne Wolf - and they all got famous in the city, pulling gigs and celebrating parties. Fazbear Entertainments became interested in them - and not just because the Lead Singer was the CEO's Son - but because of their actual talent. Tonight was the night they signed their contracts and were celebrating, but that wasn't your concern. All you wanted was a drink...

But Fate seemed to have other plans.

"Come on, Babe. We can treat you right to celebrate your contract tonight in style." A male voice came from your right - you tried to ignore it but something compiled you to look and you did.

To your right was a group of 3 men surrounding a woman with skin like chocolate and eyes like sunflowers. She was wearing a blazer outfit with a red shirt with a tribal black wolf on the chest with a lovely pair of black boots. Her hair was long and silver with an emerald green highlight bang dangling in the first with 2 bold whisker marks on each cheek and around her neck was a choker with a tag that read 'Roxy'.

This was Roxanne Wolf - The Keytartist of the Glamrock Band.

You closed your eyes - trying to enjoy your drink - but the voices of the mean bothering this woman who was trying to enjoy her own drink was really getting on your nerves; all the vulgar words that they were saying to her was so disrespectful and she was just standing there - but you could feel from the shift in the air that she was uncomfortable.

"Will you all shut your fucking mouths?" You growled out as you clenched your glass in your hand - unaware of the cracks forming in the surface of the glass.

"What the fuck did you say to us?" The first man asked - the woman looked at you with a raised eyebrow.

"I said...Shut UP!" The glass shattered in your hand, spilling glass shards and vodka all over yourself and the bar, as well as shards in your hand causing wounds in your hand to bleed but you didn't care, you turned to glare at them, they shivered at your glare. "This woman is here to celebrate her success with her friends but all of you are bothering her and trying to get in her graces to be gold-diggers. I'm trying to drink here in peace and she is trying to enjoy herself. Leave her to fuck alone before I have Kal throw you bastards out." You warned.

"A...And who the hell is Kal?" The second man trembled.

"The Owner - He's my younger brother. Now, get out of my face." You growled, causing the men to run away from the woman. You exhaled as you looked at your bleeding hand and began to pick the shards out of your hand - not annoyed by the pain or the blood. The sound of heels clicking and the feeling that someone was next to you made you look to the right and Roxanne was here and she was looking at your hand.

"Are you okay?" She asked in her soft voice as she reached into her bag and pulled out a pair of tweezers from her purse before grabbing your hand and beginning picking out the smaller shards of glass while the bartender was preparing another drink.

"I'm fine." You said as you let her take out the glass from your hands.

"A [Man/Woman] of few words, huh?" Roxanne smiled at your hand before getting the last shards out of your hand and looking into your eyes, "I'm Roxanne, but I guess you know that." She said.

"Yes, I know who you are." You pulled your hand away from her and looked to examine the damage to ensure it wasn't too bad.

"You might want to bandage those so they don't get infected." The bartender said as he placed another drink in front of you - you grabbed it with your other hand and downed it in one gulp before placing the glass down and looking at the bartender.

"I'll be fine."

You looked at Roxanne one last time before you walked away from the bar, through the crowd, and out of the door.

"Looks like I need to tell the boss man that his [brother/sister] didn't let someone tend to that wound." The Bartender looked for the phone.

"The Boss Man? That [man/woman] really is the Boss's Brother?" Roxanne asked.

"Yes, that was [Your Name] - the Boss's Older [Brother/Sister]. [He/She] own [His/Her] own company down by the river." The Bartender explained as he began punching numbers into the phone.

"And... Do you happen to know what the name of this company is?" Roxanne raised an eyebrow.

"It's [Company Name]. Why?" The Bartender asked.

"Oh... No Reason." Roxanne gave the bartender a $100 bill and walked away with a smile on her face, '[Your name], You just might be the one I've been looking for.' She purred in her mind before joining her friends on the upper level.

[the1918]

2020 for the1918

Am I the last person to make this list? Maybe. Do I regret that? Yes. Am I making it anyways because my cognitive behavioral therapy is teaching me fix my avoidance issues? Also Yes.

Let’s do this: @The Trees In Front of Cevans’s House and @Bucky’s Arm... you da real MVPs.

But other than them...

Thank You to Everyone that Truly Made My 2020:

@cantabile-l  Jo (Daddy Dumpster™ Co-Founder) — I have to list you first. How could I not? Every friendship I’ve made in this fandom comes back to you. We literally bonded over porn lookalikes and started this craziness called the Stucky Porn Lookalikes Archive ( @stucky-lookalikes-archive ) to preserve the porn, and it now has now has 85k hits and 500 bookmarks (!!!?!!). But it’s more than that, even more than starting the Daddy Dumpster™ and bonding over culihos. Bespoke got finished because you got me excited enough to want it, just like half a dozen other fics. You were also the basis for many, many other friendships that I list below. Your nesting head canons were the inspiration for so, so many A/B/O moments in my fics. We’re so on the same length on an intellectual and spiritual level (I feel like you and me and @ixalit are three parts of one whole ❤) and I am in love with you for it. Culihos forever.

@hanitrash​ Hani (O.G. Dumpster™ Citizen) —I’m so, so damn glad you’re in my life. We share that sick sense of humor and refusal to adopt a filter. You add flavor to our Dumpster™ with your wit, and I feel so warm when you share pics and updates about the family with us. You were the first person I ran to when I “discovered” HTP and you held my hand 😂 And Jesus—your talent. I could go on and on and on about Through The Darkness I Heard Your Voice and Private Showing, but also one of my New Year’s resolutions is to start reading your work as Loralynne Summers. Thank you for making me smile every day of last year since April.

@trekchik Jini (O.G. Dumpster™ Citizen) — I can’t speak to the number of laugh-out-loud, belly-grabbing, cackling moments I have had in a year that could easily have been shit otherwise, all because of you. I feel like you’ve truly become a member of my family; like, I see you posting in the Dumpster™ when I wake up in the morning and I think to myself, “Oh, what’s the fam up to today?”. I know I’ve gone on and on about your talent (absolute queen of dialogue and pacing) before, but I don’t thank you enough for keeping the Porn Archive alive when the rest of us are slacking. Your Stucky Tumblr Drabbles (especially the meet cutes) puts a smile on half the fandom’s face regulary, and I’m excited to re-read the wonderful Anagnorsis & Peripeteia soon. Here’s to another year of weird dildo pictures.

@thegodswife Amanda (Dumpster™ Citizen) — I feel like we were literally destined to become friends. The love I feel for you and your little family is real and immense, and I feel like your victories (in life and in writing) are my victories. You have made a slow but steady convert of me to Shrinkyclinks with fics like peaches and because it's christmas, and I am in awe of your talent for writing charged dynamics with jaw-dropping moments. This fandom is lucky to have such a gem as you. 2021 is going to be the Year of Amanda (*clinks Lindeman’s Framboise glasses 🥂*)

@ixalit Max (Dumpster™ Citizen) — My relationship with you has and continues to be lifechanging for more reasons than I can even go into on tumblr. You make me laugh. You make me cry (usually in good ways). You make me horny by supplying the #porn-and-fun as the dutiful resident horny teenage boy of Dumpster™. I remember so clearly when we first messaged talking about your Evanstan thoughts and fics, and I knew your writing was special then (omg, Hiraeth?? How dare). You deserve all the success you earned in 2020 and every bit more success that you will continue to have this year. There is no one else I would rather have with me as we make this ~journey through Song of the Rolling Earth together. 

@becassine Bex (Dumpster™ Citizen) — What can I say about my lucky charm? 🍀 I found our friendship later in the year and I feel it was truly central to the way I finished out my year with a bang (lol). Your encouragement to finish Bespoke supercharged me, and I’m still riding that high in writing SoRE. But for every bit we talk about you being the Queen of Hype (Becassine, First of Her Name), I am also stunned by your own gorgeous writing. The Way I Feel For You is a gift to this fandom and it’s gonna keep rocking our world, along with any other creative endeavor you choose to embark on. Thank you for the treasure of your continued friendship.

@darter-blue​ Bec (Dumpster™ Citizen) — My gorgeous, gorgeous cunt of a friend. What ever am I going to do with you? I feel like you and I have clicked so perfectly and so instantly, and I feel such a strong connection to you. I have been enamored with your skill and your style since I first stumbled across your Sergeant Barnes and Colonel Rogers: A Love Story series and then rapidly gobbled up your other writing. Getting to collab with you on No Vacancies was a dream come true. You make me feel so connected to the outside world and humanity even in this bizarre time and even though you’re on the other side of the world.

@kalee60 Kel (Dumpster™ Citizen) — You flawless sass-master. You brilliant human. You tricky little bastard. What a perfect addition to the Dumpster™ you have been! And your talent, Jesus... just being around you makes me want to write. I have truly never seen someone with as much talent write so prolifically, and I am in very real awe of it. If I had to pick “Fic of the Year” for me, I would not hesitate to pick Push The Button—it turned my world upside down—but for as much as we talk about that epic, your AU Extravaganza is really miracle to behold. And I am so, so pumped for you during this exciting time coming up in your life. Here’s to magnificent year for you in 2021!

@andysmountains​ Andy Gator Lord 🐊 — You’ve changed my life. I’m sitting here and I honestly don’t know how else to put it. You’re hilarious and you’re a ball of sunshine and you have kept this breeder feeling rooted to reality (in a great way) and remembering how to smile during some of the shittiest times I can remember. Newts. You’ve helped me explore my identity, and I’m not sure what greater gift you could have given me. Also, I’ve never heard true love whispered more sincerely than when I see 🔪—and I would give you nine hundred and ninety-seven 🔪 now if not for the fact that you have literally beat me to it.  

@ceratonia-siliqua Cera — We’ve shared so much. I feel so privileged that you’ve picked me to be a person that you want to talk to during hard times because you’re such a special guy, and because you’ve got talent that the world needs to see forever and ever and ever (I continue to blown away by what you did in Sunshine, and none of us are ready for Quilt Fic™) and I hope you never stop writing your whole damn heart out. I truly love you. I do. Thank you for reminding me that there is endless humanity and prose in this world.

@howdoyousleep3​ K — I feel like 2021 couldn’t be starting off better now that you’re in my life again. Last year was largely defined for me by the time I spent with you, and I’ve truly been changed by you and your writing. You are an endless amount of inspiration for me and this whole community; I would bet real money that the number of Daddy Kink converts that owe their new *interest* to finding your Daddy Steve Rogers/Baby Bucky Barnes series numbers in the hundreds (not to mention your other AUs). But fics aside, I had so many smiles and laughter throughout 2020 because of you, and I owe such a big part of my happy heart to you and your presence in my life. You have a huge, caring heart. Cheers to Cevans continuing to be a giant, bro-ish man slut and us never stopping giving him shit for it — and here’s to Trucker Bucky and his bug.

@lullabybeauty Bee — I’m not sure I would still be writing if it weren’t for you. The interest you took in my fics and endless support you’ve provided have turned me into a real-life 🥺🥺🥺 face so many times I can’t count them. But more than the hype you provide, you are an amazing person, and I hope you never stop putting (and ceaselessly keeping) the word out in our community through your blog that Black Lives Matter and black women matter now and forever; it’s far too easy for those of us who are white to let that truth fade from our minds when there’s not something terrible happening in the news, and I’m so thankful for your posts filling up my dash with reminders I need to be a good ally and giving me information to share with others. Thank you for the gift of yourself.

@ywecanthavenicethingsanymore Caroline—You sort of swooped out of nowhere for me and boosted my confidence through the roof. Your comments and your hype and your hilarious tags remind me every day that writers are only half of the fanfiction equation; all we do without supportive friends like you is sit in the corner dreaming of stories we don’t have the confidence or feel-good to put to words. Thank you for your constant support and for being so. damn. cool.

@littlesurfergrl Heather—Oh, Heather. Queen of the A+ tags. Sender of inbox updates about what time you get off of work and why you’re vibrating to read a fic. All-around beautiful person. Your love and support is magic in my veins.

@hoeforthegays Baby J—I am so damn excited for this creative project you’ve taken on; you are so talented. I look forward to our thirst talks all the time. You make me laugh with your screaming and even your advice. Such a source of sunshine in my life.

@capbvckyrogers / @tae-withsuga Cam — You were the first person who ever reblogged a farmer daddy post. You were the first person who ever sent me a prompt. Honestly, you were the first person who ever bonded with me over a character. There zero (0) chance I would have enjoyed fandom (or certainly any kind of creative success) the way that I did in 2020 if not for you. Thank you, endlessly. 

@justice-for-plums​ Kenz — Another “late in the year” friendship find that I am so grateful for. I love our talks! I am so thankful you felt comfortable to reach out and talk about writing. Our workshopping has helped remind me of what works and what doesn’t for me, and I love the creative collaboration on head canons! Excited for more in 2021.

Shrunkyclunks Bitches®, or those not mentioned already above: @dreadlockholiday (co-founder of the Bitches® with @justice-for-plums​ and #1 reason I blushed last year), @oh-i-swear-writes​ @wayward-lives​ @allegedlyann and others I either am missing on tumblr or forgetting (but not because I don’t love you) — Here’s to Cap Steve and modern Bucky and 1,000,000+ words written during our writing sprints in 2021. [Bitches® server membership is open by the way! If you love Shrunkyclunks, contact Dready @dreadlockholiday​].

And to the endless list of others who made me smile, laugh, sometimes cry, feel proud, but always feel that incredible Stucky love — a list that includes but is certainly not limited to @fishcustardandclintbarton,​ @hawkeyeandthewintersoldier, @willbakewithstucky, @hannah-stagram​, @thewaythatwerust​, @bigbraiiin, @musette22, @luninosity​, @fandomfluffandfuck​, @maddiewritesstucky​, @hbalbat, @doctorenterprise​, @epicstuckyficrecs, @k347 and the massive important people I know I am forgetting (...like some BIG ones)

To everyone above and anyone else who has scrolled this far:

Thank you.

Let’s all have a fantastic 2021 🥂

[junker-town]

Still comin' to your city: Inside college football's national anthem

That Big & Rich music video you say you can't stand, but still watch on ESPN every fall Saturday? It has to be recorded somewhere. That somewhere is Tennessee in May. (This story was originally published in 2014.)

The original version, without all the football.

Whites Creek, Tenn. -- For a college football fan in mid-May, it could pass as a detailed hallucination for a college football fan. Out in a big nothing of Tennessee woods sits a fully operational "ESPN College GameDay" set, replete with smoke and strobe lights and football highlights playing on Jumbotrons.

And hey, there's Big & Rich singing "Comin' to Your City" to real, live football fans.

At the moment, the "zing" and the "zang" are not matching up between the live action and the audio. Consequently, the "ting" and the "tang" aren’t either. It makes sense, once it’s explained, that when shooting a music video, rapping is much harder to sync than singing. There's a decision amongst the producers to break for lunch and resume with rapper-specific coverage shots afterwards. The extras wander off to drink bottled water in the shade.

"Gets. You. Fired. Up.," says the middle-aged man with the lit cigarette. He had the bad luck of forgetting to bring any of his Clemson gear to "rep on TV."

He answered the email a friend forwarded him. Sixty bucks for a day's work as an extra.

He repeats himself with a broad smile.

"Gets. You. Fired. Up."

A version of the theme song from a recent season.

A pair of Alabama students, Shelby and Alex, had nothing better to do between the time they finished final exams and Alex drove home to Michigan, so they came up for the day.

"I mean, you see 'College GameDay' every Saturday. We thought it would be fun, plus we wanted to rep Alabama," says Shelby, a communications major at Bama. "We figured there would be a lot of Tennessee fans here."

Are there?

"Yeah, they're... see, way over there," he says, pointing a location at the far end of the crowd. It's worth nothing that, through entirely natural self-segregation, the Alabama and Tennessee fans have distanced themselves as far away from one another as possible.

"Of course a few [Alabama fans] show up," says one of the way-over-there Vols. "That's okay. We got the cheerleaders."

The cheerleaders are actually the University of Tennessee dance team, the national title-winning UTDT, as they're described by their coaches. They responded to ESPN's request, with the caveat that the girls dress in non-school-affiliated gear.

I'm also informed UT provided the dancers for Hank Williams Jr.'s famous "Are You Ready for Some Football" video introduction for "Monday Night Football" years back, which was also shot in the greater Nashville area. If you need a music video montage to hype a football institution, this here's the city, apparently.

"I'm not sure exactly why that is. I guess this being the home of country music helps," John Rich says.

"It's because people enjoy getting wild, and this a town to have a good damn time in!" Big Kenny follows.

★★★

You know the words to Big & Rich’s 2005 single "Comin' to Your City," even if you're a self-serious music fan who likely once hated the song. Like, really, really hated it.

And maybe you still do, but you really don't. After a decade as the anthem of "College GameDay," it's as much an American folk anthem as "Seven Nation Army's" zombified stadium chant.

You know all the words to all the verses even though they change every season, because sometimes they feature your favorite college football team, or the one you hate, or both. You especially know all the words that aren't even words, that famous honky patois you and your friends now recite in a social media battle cry every Saturday morning.

If you want a little bang in your yin yang

If you want a little zing in your zang zang

If you want a little ching in your chang chang, come along

And even if you claim to hate ESPN because it's a soulless conglomerate hellbent on owning all of sports or whatever, you really love "College GameDay." It's a deep and abiding love, and it's well earned. "College GameDay" is ESPN at its best. The network flexes its influence and coffers to provide us with hosts who blend insight with rapport while afloat in real, live seas of fanaticisms. Best of all, it's programming built with the purpose of raising up a sport most often referred to as a true religion. It's why Alex and Shelby drove four hours, and it's why executive producer Lee Fitting is standing on set just hours after having accepted an Emmy win for "GameDay" the night before in New York.

Smoke machines blast. The song concludes. And as the crew and talent immediately scramble for another full take, Fitting defends "City's" mainstay prowess on the show.

"I can't really explain it. It's one of those things that we really liked at the time, and we just rolled with it and kept our fingers crossed. As it picked up steam, we tried to tweak it and help evolve it."

If you need a music video montage to hype a football institution, this here's the city, apparently.

So no, there isn't a dubious licensing arrangement (or ransom) that's kept the song around for a decade.

"Every single part of the show goes under the microscope after each season. We're always trying to improve things. We wouldn't change it just to change it. Right now, we feel like it's still rolling. We can go to Fargo, North Dakota and people are screaming about 'Coming to your cit-ay,' and it's the same with South Central Los Angeles," Fitting said.

You will have another season of "Cit-ay," although with a few extra wrinkles added to the customary team shout-outs that Rich and company re-write at the behest of ESPN each season. They are as follows:

A notable reference to Stanford and "The Farm" in Rich's lyrics. I can't remember what this replaced from previous years, although I didn't hear anything about "Rocky Top" in Tennessee or "the Big House" in Michigan. ("That's the trickiest part each year, when ESPN calls and asks us to use certain names. You take a few liberties as a lyricist and sort of make 'Gator chomp' and 'tomahawk chop' rhyme," Rich says.)

A few video clips of Northwestern in action. Along with the Cardinal, nerd schools seem très chic for country pop anthems this season.

The usual suspects: Georgia, Ohio State, Notre Dame, Alabama, and a healthy helpin' of national champion Florida State. There's a fan sweating through an authentic Jameis Winston jersey in the front of the crowd, and every time the video board flashes the Heisman winner, the kid jumps up and down emphatically. Every time.

The last two clips during the big crescendo feature Urban Meyer's Buckeyes charging the field and Les Miles clapping. As it should be.

The addition of an extra rapper (Gym Class Heroes' Travie McCoy), to play off of longtime Big & Rich associate Cowboy Troy, and hard guitar provided by rock band Halestrom's Lzzy Hale. It's still the same song, just with that... rock edge.

And if that sounds like it was a focused-grouped decision, it probably is, but maybe that's the joy of licensing from Big & Rich: tack on an extra rapper and a fuzz pedal to "City," and it's not like you turned "Sunday Morning Coming Down" into dubstep.

"We're all for it," Rich says. "We've always viewed the Muzik Mafia [the duo's collective of fellow artists] as having strains of rock and rap and country, from all genres of music. That's like football fans. Football fans come from all walks of life."

McCoy, one of the song's two new performers.

"GameDay" almost entirely defines the national perception of his music. Rich doesn't offer a hint of indignity about this.

"Look, a lot of people don't know "A Country Boy Can Survive," but they sure know [starts singing] "Are you ready for some foooootball?" We never thought we'd be doing this, right now, 10 years later. We owe ESPN thousands of bar tabs in airports or hotels when people ask who we are. We start naming hits, then we say 'College GameDay,' and bam, everybody lights up and buys us beers."

Rich is a lifelong Texas fan, while Big Kenny claims allegiance to "any Virginia team, but just any team out there doing well, man. I like to ride the wave." Cowboy Troy is a Dallas native and a Texas graduate who steers an otherwise informal conversation into a serious discussion of Charlie Strong's team management style.

"It's really going to be interesting, honestly," he says. "I've heard from a discipline standpoint, the first time any player misses a single class or study hall, he runs until he's exhausted. The second time he misses, his entire position group has to run until they're exhausted. And then if there's a third time, at least from what I've heard, the player, the position group, and the position coaches have to run."

"And if he misses four times, they just shoot him," Rich says.

★★★

Behind a barrier, the extras are re-upping on gloss. The dance team re-applies makeup and re-curls hair, to combat the May heat. A makeup artist repaints the individual letters in "GAMEDAY" on the stomachs of dazed-looking extras.

"I had no idea I was gonna take my shirt off today," one tells me. "I just graduated from MTSU last week. I figured this was something to do. I mean, I'm cool with taking my shirt off," he says to the stranger painting over his belly button hair.

The smoke machine sets off again, the song plays again, and the intricacies of staccato rap and carefully placed team references are tracked. On the monitors, it all reads as slick and big and ridiculous, and yet the effect is undeniable. Seventeen takes in, the FSU fan still jumps, and the song you probably used to hate by that band you may never listen to otherwise elicits a perfect, pure Pavlovian response.

Squint. It's October, and Chris Fowler is setting a scene against the most famous fiddle solo in modern America. It gets you fired up, man.

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[basketballandbs-blog]

They Are Who We Thought They Were a.k.a The Ballad of Janky Johnny and LSU Tigers

This morning, we are in the aftermath of another LSU Men’s Basketball loss that was not just another LSU Men’s Basketball. Last night was a snowflake because the 106-71 thrashing by the hands of the 25th ranked Florida Gators marked the Tigers’ worst home loss in 54 years. The most active Tiger fan on our Facebook page posted an article that lamenting the beatdown and mentioning that beleaguered fifth year head coach Johnny Jones offers an apology to the fan base. Our resident Tiger fan suggested that he apologizes with a resignation letter.

This is not an uncommon sentiment in the least. Especially as the whispers of discontent that began towards the end of last season once it became clear that a team featuring preordained then actual factual first overall pick in the 2016 NBA draft Ben Simmons, current Portland TrailBlazer Tim Quarterman and even current D-League sharpshooter Keith Hornsby not only had no chance of making the NCAA tournament but they just weren’t a very good team to boot. These whispers have now become roars as this team that have the double misfortune of having a considerable drop off in talent from last year’s squad as well as struggling to compete in a slightly improved yet still god awful (more on this later) SEC. This has led to a team that currently stands at 9-10, 13th in the league play standing atop of only Missouri, the only conference foe that the Basketball Tigahs have bested this season.  

So as I am reading through the comments on this post I simply can’t help myself and type out a frantic reply going on about this program is blowing a golden opportunity to return to prominence in the SEC when fellow B&BSer Keith, the Baron of Brevity, simply types “They are who we though they were”. And just like that, the quote famously coined by the late, great Dennis Green which was breathed during a postgame press conference following a tough loss to the Chicago Bears in which his Arizona Cardinals gave up a 20-0 halftime lead tied if not all a lot of what bothers me about the program this year together.

I’ve always fancied the Southeastern Conference as a football conference with a baseball problem that will enjoy the occasional dalliance with basketball every few weekends and while on vacation. And it makes sense, no one has more rabid (and arguably illogical) football fans than the SEC. It also helps that their programs (mainly Alabama as of late) have been a fixture in almost every national championship game going on close to two decades. Baseball has seen this level of sustained success for a little longer with the wealth being spread around a little further leading to featuring some of the only baseball programs that are self-sustaining. Basketball, on the other hand, have seen better days but has always been overlooked by more traditionally basketball centered conferences like the ACC and Big East and quite honestly is routinely out classed by the Big 10, Big 12 and Pac 12. Other conferences that can be viewed as football first like the SEC. In it’s current moribund iteration we are talking about a conference that could only muster three bids to the NCAA tournament last year. Same as the Atlantic 10 and one less that the fairly new American Conference. Don’t get me wrong, these are VERY good basketball conferences but when you’re the SEC getting in only one more bid than the Missouri Valley Conference is not a good look……AT ALL.

In the game of major collegiate athletics (especially the revenue generating programs) the coaches are the face of the team. There are several reasons for this (don’t worry I won’t go into them all) but the primary ones are that as the “student-athletes” matriculate under their tutelage if successful the coach remains and will represent a symbol of stability and positive leadership and, you know, because they pay them a crap ton.  All programs at major schools desired to have a face. Even golf, track and gymnastics programs tirelessly work to have a recognizable face attached to the torso that will don their colors but in the case of revenue generating programs many times it is a matter of life and death.

Totally buying into the aforementioned model there has been somewhat of a renaissance going on with the SEC basketball programs albeit a languid one. And as much as I would love to say that the fans crave for good basketball like they do football, or that the ADs are being more prideful and want badly for their basketball teams to be fixtures in the Final Four as much as they want their football teams to be in the playoffs, or kids want to start spurning the blue bloods to play in the deep red south none of this is true. As with all major collegiate athletics these days, it all boils down to money. The debut of the SEC Network on August 14, 2014 introduced a massive and brand spanking new revenue stream to the league and its institutions. However, with SEC football already in bed with ESPN and CBS the network would not be able to depend on live football to draw eyeballs (unless you’re really jacked to watch Mississippi State and Missouri go at it at 11 A.M.).

This is where SEC basketball comes in. For a league that has almost zero national appeal outside of long time powerhouse Kentucky the fact that the SEC Network was now looking a whole lotta hours to fill with live programming was the boon that frankly the other 13 programs have been waiting for. Only thing is, who wants to look see a bunch of no name dopes in suit and tie coach some mediocre-assed basketball? No one. Now dopes with name recognition? We’re all about it! As it stands now the conference is a hodge podge of coaches that are familiar faces brought in to energize the fan base and recruiting, guys that are at programs that want to do the same but the current coach hasn’t screwed up big enough to justify the move, programs that are doing the old-fashioned thing and giving small program winners a try and programs that either don’t care or haven’t realized the new found importance of having a competitive or at least a recognizable program. Take a wild guess which box our embattled coach falls into.

While the results are not present now, this is a league that now features a coached in an NBA Finals series as well as being named NBA Coach of the Year, a coach that has 22 tourney appearances under his belt, a coach that has won an NCAA title recently. Collectively this group has nine Final Four and too many Elite 8 appearances to count. Some of these guys may be over the hill, some may not be ready yet. But one things for sure, all of these programs have made it clear successful or not that they’re making a clear play to invigorate the fan base and win. Well, except LSU.

Look, I know how this is going to read for everyone that knows how I feel about Johnny Jones. I mean, I did start #jankyjohnny but even if you put all feelings of fandom aside it is apparent that not only is he not the right guy for this job but it’s likely that he never really was. Detractors, however few there are at this point, will undoubtedly mention that in his five years here that he has compiled an 89-60 record and has tread water in the conference. While this is true, I would argue that we would be much further along had we not hired the guy that finished .500 in Sun Belt league play during his 11 season tenure at North Texas. I mean, if you can’t consistently beat ULL what should make us think you should be at the helm at LSU? Some will say that he’s a great recruiter, and you know what? I completely agree! The trouble with this is that it becomes quite obvious where the problem lies when you have an abundance of talent that can’t win basketball games.

On the court the product is as ugly as it sounds. This is a team that wants to play with pace, but too easily allow opponents to control it. They want to play fast, but teams that are better at playing this style pick up on their deficiencies in execution and end up running them off of the court. Perfect example of this would be this season’s conference opener against first year coach and Baton Rouge native Bryce Drew’s Vanderbilt Commodores. Despite this game marking the Tigers’ best shooting outing in league play when the game was on the line Vandy was able to wrest control of the pace and take better shots down the stretch to seal the win. The Tigers have proven just as easily to slow down. Despite very promising play from Lee College transfer and South Sudan native Duop Reath, the transfer of 7 footer Darcy Malone and dismissal of Craig Victor II from the program has left their frontcourt without almost any heft……well usable heft thus effectively making him a walking personal foul which also takes him away as a post scorer at vital points in most contests.

The smallish Tigers’ strength lies clearly in the backcourt. Antonio Blakeney leads the team in scoring with 16 points per night on a not terrible 45% from the field. He has a ton of talent and personally I went on record saying that had he decided to leave at the end of last season during the fire sale I would not have been mad. Sure, he’s not pro ready yet, but he’s definitely not going to get there under Jones. And that 16 on 45% would be even better if the Tigers could establish any kind of pace or (GASP!) run an actual offense. Brandon Sampson has been big for the LSU also putting up almost 11 per contest on 48% shooting. Skylar Mays, despite experiencing his fair share of growing pains, has been solid. Jayln Patterson, manning the point guard spot in spurts with Mays has played commendably. Both are decent at seeing the floor but both are not great at creating their own shot and struggle against defenses the figure out quickly that the guards are not yet ready to play in a largely (ahem) improvisational offense. Far too often, this group looks erratic and plays with no direction. And mind you this is their strong suit.

Defense on the other hand, is where this gets REALLY messy. As stated before Reath is on an island by himself without Victor. Elbert Robinson III doesn’t have the mobility to truly challenge in the paint or even put himself into position to be an effective road block. Aaron Epps, while being pretty athletic and springy, doesn’t have the size the bang and is more effective being rangy. Mays and Patterson are capable defenders but are too often outlasted and outsmarted by veteran SEC guards. You can clearly see flashes of a team that can put a strong defensive unit together but far too often a second or third pass in the halfcourt set entirely shoots their zone or rotations to hell. Not to mention how slow they are getting back in transition regularly. For as frustrating as the offense is to watch they almost look like the 2006 Phoenix Suns compared to what you see on defense from this group.

I really don’t think I need to point out the common link here. On paper, this is a VERY talented team. Most of the guys that log heavy minutes for this squad arrived on campus with some acclaim and or national attention. But these are also young men that need direction to be the best players that they can be. And this is clearly something that Jones has not and is increasingly looking like he cannot do. He doesn’t have a 6’9” forward that runs like a gazelle and is already an above average NBA level passer. He doesn’t have a jack of all trades that relishes playing on the defensive end and can get you a bucket if you call his number. He doesn’t have a sharpshooter that can not only get hot and shoot everyone off the court but also is a scary enough ball handler to space the floor when he’s not making it rain. Jones never capitalized on his abundance of riches last season or even the seasons prior when he had access to talents like Anthony Hickey, Jarrell Martin and Jordan Mickey. For the first time since his return to Baton Rouge he has to lead. By losing six straight and 8 of his last 9 I think he’s answered the question of whether he can or not.

 -H.B.