#because my mom has a doctors appointment and for some god forsaken reason

[fereldenshero]

my mom LOVESSSS to make plans FOR ME and then not tell me about them until like the last minute

[theblogofinsanity]

The plight of a single father looking for love

I've never been able to understand why being a single parent is a mark against me.

Things happen.

Bad decisions were made.

But I'm now single. Well, divorced actually.

Through my fruitless attempts at trying to find love, I've made a discovery.

There is a glaring double standard when it comes to being a single parent.

When it comes to single mothers, they need love too. Don't judge her based on her past. She's a great mother. She's so strong and independent, etc..

For some reason, being a single dad is viewed very poorly.

At least my subjective online dating experience has made that evident.

And before you think:

"My friend married a..."

"I think it's very attractive when a man..."

"That makes you even more..."

You're not dating me, nor are you offering to.

This is my life, and unfortunately, I have to live it.

The women I've interacted with are very uncomfortable with the fact that I'm a single dad who cares for my son 5 days a week.

It seems that because my situation is so unusual, they will find any reason to fabricate "red flags".

For instance, one woman didn't like the fact that I still see my ex wife.

Given, that's only when drop my son off for the weekend.

Or that we occasionally speak to each other... About our son.

Doctor's appointments, school, etc.

All the women who are uncomfortable with my life as a single parent are also single parents.

The only difference is that they were completely abandoned by the fathers of their children. (That's right. Multiple children. Multiple fathers.)

Co-parenting after a divorce or breakup is an important part of being a mature adult. It's also what's best for the child.

IDK what I'm even saying at this point.

My words won't change anything.

I suppose I'll deal with the loneliness the best I can until I'm an empty nester and reexamine the dating market at that point.

I need love just like anyone else, but it looks like I'll be waiting quite a long time.

EDIT: I think it's important to note that I'm looking for single moms my age and older when I've been on those god forsaken apps. I'm NOT looking for an 18 year old model.

If you've read other posts of mine, I've already stated that I prefer older women.

Also, I have no idea why I'm trying to explain myself.

To who?

Who the fuck even reads this worthless drivel?

lol

[rose-tinted-nostalgia]

today was not a good day, and I can tell that it was not a good day because I could not sing along to music in the car, and that seems ridiculous, but singing loudly and badly to throwback songs is my go-to method for cheering myself up, and it works every time. I could be in tears, and I’ll turn on a song, and start singing, and I’m fine by the time it ends, but today I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t smile, and I couldn’t sing, and when I tried, I almost cried, and I haven’t felt this sad in a long time. 

my day started with picking up my dad at 5:30 a.m. he disappeared for hours, and i told him not to come back because this was the third time, and he texted me at 5:30 a.m., and for some god forsaken reason, even though my phone was dead, i spontaneously woke up with an urge to check my computer, and there he was begging me to come pick him up from downtown. and i did. on just a few hours of sleep, i climbed into my car, still shaking, and i found him sitting on the sidewalk next to the train tracks on an empty street, and he made a joke when he got in, and tried to make up some excuse, and i told him i cried myself to sleep, and he looked away, and he said, ‘i’m sorry, chelsea,’ and that broke me. that absolutely shredded me, and i might never recover, because it’s not really his fault, right? he’s a crack addict. he’s been an addict for more than 20 years, and he had cash, and he was next to his dealer, and how could i expect anything less? i know on some level he doesn’t want to hurt me, he cares, he doen’t set out intending to lie, to steal and pawn shit that was precious and irreplaceable, to disappoint my son, to tangle me in this web. i know it hurts his feelings. i see it in his face, his eyes are fucking sad, and his face is so drawn down, and i feel guilty for making him feel bad, for telling the truth. i feel so guilty i regret ever saying it. but this is why i avoided him for almost ten years, this is why i said no every time he needed something, because it might not be his fault, but it isn’t mine either, and i’m tired of being swallowed by these addictions i do not possess because of an empty i can’t seem to get rid of. and on top of that, everyone in my life has just seemed unnecessarily cruel, unwilling to help me out, unwilling to even let me vent when I feel like i must self-combust. i need to go back to work, but no one will babysit for me, or even help me get my kid to and from school, and the only people offering me help are toxic and abusive and people i so desperately want to be rid of, and i feel so goddamn alone. and i’m having health anxiety, and i had two doctors appointments today where i got properly violated, and it’ll still probably be months of referrals before I get answers, and I feel like an awful mom for wasting years of my sons life working and leaving him with a shitty excuse of a father and for subjecting him to our arguments, our toxicity, and it eats away at me, remembering these things, knowing that i’ve subjected him to this trauma he’ll never erase form his dna, i spiral into a panic attack, vomiting, in hysterics, every time i let the thought cross my mind because i was a good mom, and i never yelled, and i put him first, always, and these last two years, i’ve been shit because i’m so fucking traumatized, i can’t reglate my own goddamn nervous system, and he’s seen it all. my panic attacks, my outbursts, our fights, me being assaulted, holes punched in walls, and dents put in cars, and it’s terrified him. and it’s my fault. it’s my fault  because I didn’t find a way to end it, and I keep telling myself it’s because I couldn’t afford it, it’s because I didn’t have help, and a part of me will always wonder what it would have been like to have a family who cared enough to help me escape, but still. people do it. every day people do it, and i couldn’t find a way to, and that’s on me. i’ll never forget. and i’ll never forgive myself. and somedays i think i’ll never be happy becaue of it. he’s the sweetest fucking kid, and he loves us both, and he’s still so goddamn good, but he deserved better than this. and i will give him better than this, and it’s never too late to do better, but.it will always be too late to undo what we’ve done and I really don’t know how to live with that. I hate myself for it, and I’ll accept this lonely, miserable life because I feel like I deserve it. and it’s just all piling up. my health & anxiety. my financial instability. the lack of support. the drug addicts. the guilt. so much fucking guilt. the fact that I don’t have one goddamn friend, and everyone wants me to give them so fucking much when I have nothing left. Everyone needs something, always, everything, but no one wants to give me anything in return. I’m tired. I’m sad, and I’m tired, and I’m doing my best.