#because they ARENT exceptional and they ARENT separate from the world and the other cultures around them

[decolonize-the-everything]

honestly I feel like regardless of the gender/lack thereof of the subject, when discussing "the system of gender" at all we need to and should include discussions of colonialism and racism or else we'll never get anywhere with the discussion. neither of these can even be separated from modern conceptions of gender and how it's enforced the world over that frankly they need to be far more part of the conversation than even patriarchy is (patriarchy would collapse without a lot of these enforced systems, but so it goes for any system of oppression).

discussions of transmisogyny should include discussing colonialism and racism. discussions of exorsexism should include it. discussions of anti-transmasculinity, misogyny, the patriarchy, fatphobia, ableism-- and on and on

you cannot defeat one without defeating them all. if we do not see tackling colonialism as key to efforts elsewhere, and treat any one axis of oppression as a singular issue, any other system of oppression will simply replace what was "struck down" with a different support to justify and maintain its integrity and existence

anyway I know I'm preaching to the choir here. but I saw your response regarding the term exorsexism and I'm sitting here like. colonialism and racism absolutely should be an important and necessary part of the conversation around exorsexism (I will say the people I've seen talk about it do make the topic of colonialism/racism a key part of it but I know they are likely the exception and not the rule). the conversation wouldn't exist in the first place were it not for systemic racism and the colonialism that continues and perpetuates it. exorsexism as we know it literally exists because of colonialism and racism.

Exactlyy

I'm trying to make this word right and I'm realizing that a word that specifically names the oppression you experience for existing outside the colonial binary would also end up being a word that would be oppositional to white supremacy as a whole.

Because if you're colonizing then you're already subscribing to a hierarchy right? Colonialism is made of millions of hierarchies (including the patriarchy where men are on top) but it's also their ideas of gender, of race, of ability, and class that have hierarchies, too.

So to oppose colonialism is to oppose all those hierarchies that only allow one kind of person to determine they're better than others and treat others as lesser. Which is to say anti-colonialism itself it just anti-white supremacy, anti-anyone supremacy.

Which leads me to believe the word I need, the heart of it is about a right to freedom and self determination.

And as such... It might not even end up being specific to gender. It shouldn't be, imo. Two spirits arent the only people affected by colonialism so yes I still want a word for myself and I'll get to that but maybe I have to create a new axe of oppression first. One that recognizes how race and colonialism are built into every system the western world has ever made for the purpose of exploiting anyone defined as "other."

These are the current axes of oppression currently recognized in the usa

This graphic displays what is commonly known as the axes of oppression, which lists the main axes on which people can either be privileged (have societal power) or marginalized (oppressed). The axes, listed on the outermost (black) ring, include race, religion, sexual orientation, age, culture, disability status, education level, etc. Moving one ring inward, it shows the marginalized identities for these core axes; while moving two rings inward shows the privileged identities for these core axes. For example, for the axis of religion, you are privileged if you are a Christian, but are marginalized if you are non-Christian. It is important to note that these axes are based on the current systems in place within the United States and will vary globally.

They're all recognized separately like they're unrnelated. There is no structure for recognizing intersectionality or overlap.

I'd have to create a new axe/understanding of colonial/racial oppression just so I have the structure to then name the specific way it can impact/affect gender, race, sex, class, and other parts of life.

Because you're right, gender as we understand it is inherently tied to race and colonialism, but gender isn't the only thing affected by race and colonialism thats not being systemically acknowledged.

So yeah I guess what I'm actually having to do is restructure/dismantle colonialism and oppression a bit so that everyone affected by colonialism has language to say how.

Cuz run of the mill homophobia and racism are not what we experience you know? Like yeah I'm hated for being queer and brown but it's also so much deeper than that. I'm hated because the very nature of my being challenges every status quo there is. My existence demands respect, freedom to be as I am, and that I have a right to resist anyone who opposes me.

Colonizers really don't like that kind of untamable energy, especially when it spits directly on the systems they use to control everyone.

[phantalgia]

9/9/24 - COVID thoughts, Can't Stop Arguing In My Head, Financial Troubles

I’m unsure if I should separate these things into seperate diaries because we have: COVID progress, arguing in my head, and financial troubles (although I’m not sure to what extent). Knowing me, I'll just ramble on about every thing and get too much done. Anyway let's try.

COVID Progress

I think the good news is that my heart hasn't been too much of a problem recently. I suspect that it's mostly triggered by a consistent usage of my heart via exercise. There will be an occasional weird event but it never leads to a spiraling event.

Not sure what changed, but what has changed has been some new symptoms of symptoms I've exerperienced before just more extreme. Also coming and going. Puffy hands and a feeling of my thumb about to pop, extreme nerve pain especially headaches, eye artifacts, tinnitus, pissing myself, nausea digestion issues, dizziness, short of breathe and that respritory alkalosis thing im more sensitive to.

Im pacing a lot still and cant seem to get my mind off things. The pacings themselves dont cause much problems until I become idle. There's a certain irony to them.

Yesterday I did something, I want to keep it private (nothing bad if thats what youre thinking), just caused those headaches to be even worse. I don’t know what to think anymore right now. Part of me doesnt believe I suffer with the things I do and I should get over them.

I mentioned before how these symptoms really feel like things I've experienced before just taken to 11. It's true. Which makes me wonder if there's more to my pre-covid issues. I don’t know. This stuff, ontop of my obsessions, ontop of my idleness in life have really been tearing me down right now. I don’t know where to go. My spelling and ability to think has gotten worse.

The Fake Arguments In My Head

What purpose do these serve? I’m having fake arguments with fake or past people in my head all the time. Man am I that angry? It's not helpful. I’m not gonna prove anything to anyone. Why do I care? It's really the bottom of the barrel stuff getting into "debates" and arguments.

Really, just talking or writing in spaces where you’re free to is better. Not isolated individuals. They just won’t get it and spur of the moment interactions arent good places either. It's a waste of time and even if I were to do it I should take my advice and use personal experience and an introduction to my world instead.

This doesn't help the obsessive arguments. Gosh where did these come from, they're not productive. They cause unnessesary adrenaline surges that I already experience. I don’t need more. I know it's from self hatred, and the disappointment of people coming to unhealthy conclusions about the world after disillusionment.

I read "Does The Left Have Snobby Purity Culture" by Mark Fisher. It was good, I think it was necessary self reflection that I’m being a snobby purist to myself. I have my own inner monolouge punishing me for my past instead of moving forward. My on "leftist" twitter mob canceling me in my head.

He's made good points in that article, many of these people come from positions of privilege and still haven't existed the individualist conditioning modern culture has. Control over others behavior while they are still in process of unlearning isn't fair and is a problem for the left. I dont think many of these people are true leftists. Apologizes for using purity tests myself now.

But yeah, these people still follow a particular set of bourgeois standards that they expect others to follow. They think they have completely disentangled themselves from the dominant cultures grip on them. But just like the gambler who claims to be "an exception to gambling's psychological trickery" nobody is immune to the shadow of dominant culture.

I need to give myself a break here, these fake arguments arent healthy. I don’t know where to go to stop. I still want to filter out people who are right wingers from my sphere of association. But often times people on the left don’t want to hang out with me. So it's like what is the point? Why be a leftist if you have no solidarity in your heart? No vision for something more out of life. Ugh anyway moving on...

Financial Troubles? And Healthcare in the US Rant

Speaking of leftism. Let's talk about how I’m doing with capitalism. Not well. In fact my insurance was billed $700k, yes $700k for simple blood work. Right now, the thinking is "clearly that's a mistake" and it probably is. I get the healthcare system is bad. But it can't possibly be THIS bad.

Bloodwork is still outrageously expensive but to have it cost almost as much as a god damn house?! Even though those houses are still just as expensive. Oh who am I kidding, we're being ripped off out of everything.

It doesn't make sense and it's probably a mistake. Or has to be I mean there is no way. Right now for the past year Ive been a play thing for doctors and a bank for this shit. The amount of times I keep getting sick and feeling sick is making me go through money. Even with insurance.

At some point I gotta give up on going to the doctor and just rot. I cant risk losing more money that I need just to survive. I’m lucky to have insurance but it's really just pathetic how much you still pay.

I still cant believe Americans put up with this. Why cant we all just do a medical debt strike, march on Washington and demand a universal healthcare system? Why are we so pathetic? If this was happening in any other country there would be riots but we've put up with it for years now.

We'd be saving so much money on medical costs and not be giving money to a system that pays for yachts. I mean their entire business model requires that they NOT pay any way they can. Who the hell thought this was a good idea? And why are we still being gaslit?

Really these businesses should be non profit cooperatives with municipal or government subsidies and monitoring. Or even better, a syndicate system connecting them all so they can help out each other based on need. Doctors, nurses, and patients could be representitives to these institutions and have open platforms to discuss funding, and planning and so on.

It'll probably also help in eliminating the toxic power dynamics between doctors and patients. And give patients more power. Easy access to medical knowledge should also be open source to everyone from patients to doctors and should be emphasized. Sigh, but one can only dream I guess.

Done

Anyway, I’m done here. I don’t know what else to say or do today. I just don’t feel good. I want friends, i want community, i need help...

[jewfrogs]

a lot of potential reforms of classics suggest changing the name of the discipline and i’m not against that at all in principle because the name classics is A) vague to the point of meaninglessness and B) deeply tied to imperialism + white supremacy but i feel like none of the alternatives i’ve seen suggested are Great.

i’ve seen something along the lines of “greek and roman studies” suggested a couple times but it doesn’t feel right to me (even aside from the fact that calling it greek studies implies an extension into modern greece as well, which would envelop a whole separate field of study) because it still limits the field’s area of interest to “(ancient) greece” and “rome”, but the attempt to divide those from their surroundings and elevate them (creating a “greco-roman world”) is part of the problem in and of itself. what do we define as the extent of greece? of rome? what about disciplines that are interconnected with both areas and are often included under the umbrella of classics, like phoenician/punic studies or egyptology? those aren’t greek or roman but they’re taught in classics departments, so what happens to them? i feel like the whole point should be that classics aren’t just “greece” and “rome”! renaming it that defeats the purpose!

[this-divine-intervention]

Incoming fan-lore critical rant

  Alright fam real talk time now. This is WoW related so if you couldn't care less about WoW you can totally ignore this. So Im a massive fan of Draenei, and they are basically responsible for most of my interest in the game/world along with the Elves. They are surprisingly one of the most if not the most original, well designed, subversive fantasy races I've ever come across next to the Sylvari from Guild Wars 2.

  Heres my issue, and its a hugely irritating one. WHY does almost everyone keep superimposing our concept of gender roles, politics, understanding of religion, etc onto them? Its irritating as hell and massively out of character for the entire species lol; like have yall actually been paying attention? We see extremely low (almost negligible) levels of sexism in their culture with females being present in EVERY profession and level of their society in generally equal ratios to men with some exceptions (additionally this fact is not questioned or criticized by any of them). Our stereotypes of gender are totally irrelevant to them lol. Their whole culture is counter to ours. They are extremely collective oriented with focus being placed on the whole while value is still placed on individual freedom and expression of knowledge.

  Their society is exceptionally erudite, utopian, extremely technologically advanced, and compassion is the most majorly taught proponent in their entire civilization. Why the heck do you think they often greet people/each other with phrases like “be kind to those less fortunate” as if THEY arent the most unfortunate? The people who've experienced two separate genocides, the destruction of their planet, and who've been hunted across the stars like animals for centuries? There isn't a whole lot of difference between how males and females dress, with both showing the same amounts of skin, wearing elaborate jewelry in every color, silks, gossamer, linen. Like? This isnt a society that even remotely frowns on strong warrior women or discourages kind healer men. They. do. not. have. our. perceptions. of. gender.

  Whats even more strange to me is the prevalence in fanwork of the *assumption that our cultural crap applies to them? And usually if not exclusively from female artists/writers?? Like?? Did yall miss the entire point of the draenei lol? They are literally a species of scholars and healers forced into warfare who do not perceive gender as a barrier in practically all regards lol. Its even more infuriating when people place stereotypical religious beliefs onto them as if they are some conservative culture that would hate queer individuals. THEY ARENT A CONSERVATIVE CULTURE xD Everything from their architecture to how they dress EXUDES extravagance, and a love of elegance and beauty period, no gendering of the concepts whatsoever. That is a distinctly NOT conservative belief structure. Their entire culture revolves around communal service and sharing, peace, non aggression where possible, and respect for the environment of the planets they set foot on. The responsible and FREE use of knowledge for all.

  So why are we inventing fan ideas like sports that women “dont/cant participate in” or writing fiction where a “gay” draenei (in quotes because I honestly dont think their culture perceives gender as a construct even remotely the same as we do) is ostracized by his people for liking men? VELEN SHOWS OFF HIS LEGS PEOPLE. They. dont. care. about stuff like that. They probably dont even have TERMS for any of it. Its likely just a “oh you like Avaraad? Lovely, you two make a good couple!” and thats IT. Argus is described as utopian paradise before Kiljaeden and Archimond fucked everything up. Not some elitist “conservative” magocracy like Dalaran. Dalaran is what yall are looking for. People need to stop superimposing our stupid cultural crap onto a race that was WRITTEN AND DESIGNED to be subversive, abnormal, ALIEN, and most importantly... kind. That alone is enough to base entire arguments. The draenei are kind as a people and culture, and show remarkable adaption to sudden change and do not fear it.

  Write and draw them in character guys. Everyone is missing out on one of the best fantasy representations of what we all actually want in an ideal society, to do stuff that doesnt even make sense in draenei culture. Huge talent exists and is being channeled into OOC stuff instead of embracing what obviously makes the draenei unique. If you want to write/draw that kind of stuff, by all means do. I suggest with a different race. Like oh I dunno, the orks maybe? Theres plenty of races in WoW that readily exhibit the normal amounts of society fuckery that ours does. The draenei are not one of them.

[loosejournal]

I simply cannot substantiate the effort it takes to give a flying fuck about the genre/plague that we know as emo songs that don’t consider the world beyond boy bodies, their broken hearts or their vans. Meanwhile, we’re left wondering—how did we get here?

It’s evident from these bands’ lyrics and shared aesthetic that their knowledge of actual living, breathing women is notional at best. Emo’s characteristic vulnerabile front is limited to self-sensitivity, every song a high stakes game of control that involves “winning” or “losing” possession of the girl (see Dashboard Confessional, Brand New, New Found Glory, and Glassjaw albums for prime examples). Yet, in the vulnerability there is no empathy, no peerage or parallelism. Emo’s yearning doesn’t connect it with women—it omits them.

As Andy Greenwald notes in his book about emo culture, Nothing Feels Good: Punk Rock, Teenagers, and Emo, lyrically, emo singers “revel in their misery and suffering to an almost ecstatic degree, but with a limited use of subtlety and language. It tends to come off like Rimbaud relocated to the Food Court.” Women in emo songs are denied the dignity of humanization through both the language and narratives, we are omnipresent yet chimerical, only of consequence in romantic settings.

There must be some discussion, at least for context, about the well-worn narrative of the boy rebel’s broken heart, as exemplified by the last 50-plus years of blues-based music, that there are songs about loving and losing women; that men writing songs about women is practically the definition of rock ’n’ roll. And as a woman, as a music critic, as someone who lives and dies for music, there is a rift within, a struggle of how much deference you can afford, and how much you are willing to ignore what happens in these songs simply because you like the music.

Can you ignore the lyrical content of the Stones’ “Under My Thumb” because you like the song? Are you willing to? Or the heaping pile of dead or brutalized women that amasses in Big Black’s discography? Is emo exceptional in the scope of the rock canon either in terms of treatment of women or in its continual rubbing salute to its own trouble-boy cliché image? Is there anything that separates Dashboard Confessional’s condemnation of his bed-hopping betrayer and makes it any more egregious than any woman/mother/whore/ex-girlfriend showing up in songs of Jane’s Addiction, Nick Cave, The Animals or Justin Timberlake? Can you forgo judgment woe to women in the recorded catalog of Zeppelin because the first eight bars of “Communication Breakdown” is total fucking godhead? Where do you split? Do you even bother to care, because if you’re going to try and kick against it, you, as my dancing friend says, “have a problem with all of rock history,” and because who, other than a petty, too-serious bitch dismisses Zeppelin?! Do you accept the sexism and phallocentricity of the last few decades of popular music and in your punk rock community as just how it is?

Who do you excuse and why? Do you check your politics at the door and just dance or just rock or just let side A spin out? Can you ignore the marginalization of women’s lives on the records that line your record shelves in hopes that feigned ignorance will bridge the gulf, because it’s either that or purge your collection of everything but free jazz, micro house 12”s and the Mr. Lady Records catalog?

It’s almost too big of a question to ask. I start to ask this of myself, to really start investigating, and stop, realizing full well that if I get an answer I might just have to retire to an adobe hut in the Italian countryside and not take any visitors for a long time. Or turn into the rock critical Andrea Dworkin, and report with resignation that all music made by men propagates the continual oppression and domination of women. Sometimes I feel like every rock song I hear is a sucker punch toward us. And I feel like no one takes that impact seriously, let alone notices it. It is “just” music.

My deepest concerns about the lingering effects of emo is not so much for myself or for my friends—we have refuge in our personal-political platforms and deep-crated record collections—but rather for the teenage girls I see crowding front and center at emo shows. The ones who for whom this is their inaugural introduction to the underground, whose gateway may have been through Weezer or the Vagrant America tour or maybe Dashboard Confessional’s Unplugged. The ones who are seeking music out, who are wanting to stake some claim to punk rock, or an underground avenue, for a way out, a way under, to sate the seemingly unquenchable, nameless need—the same need I know I came to punk rock with. Emo is the province of the young, their foundation is fresh-laid, my concern is for people who have no other previous acquaintance with the underground, save for these bands and their songs.

When I was that age, I too had a hunger for a music that spoke a language I was just starting to decipher, music that affirmed my ninth grade fuck-you values—music that encouraged me to not allow my budding feminist ways to be bludgeoned by the weight of mainstream, patriarchal culture—I was lucky I was met at the door with things like the Bikini Kill demo, Fugazi and the first Kill Rock Stars comp. I was met with polemics and respectful address; I heard my life and concerns in those songs. I was met with girl heroes deep in guitar squall, kicking out the jams under the stage lights. I was being hurtled toward deeper rewards. Records and bands were triggering ideas and inspiration. I acknowledge the importance of all of that because I know I would not be who I am now, doing what I do, 12 years down the line, if I had not had gotten those fundamentals, been presented with those big ideas about what music and, moreover, what life, can be about.

So now I watch these girls at emo shows more than I ever do the band. I watch them sing along, to see what parts they freak out over. I wonder if this does it for them, if seeing these bands, these dudes on stage, resonates and inspires them to want to pick up a guitar or drum sticks. Or if they just see this as something dudes do, since there are no girls, there is no them up there. I wonder if they see themselves as participants, or only as consumers or—if we reference the songs directly—the consumed. I wonder if this is where music will begin and end for them. If they can be radicalized in spite of this. If being denied keys to the clubhouse is enough to spur them into action.

I know that, for me, even as a teenage autodidact who thought her every idea was worthy of expression and an audience, it did not occur to me to start a band until I saw other women in one. It took seeing Babes in Toyland and Bikini Kill to truly throw on the lights, to show me that there was more than one place, one role, for women to occupy, and that our participation was important and vital—it was YOU MATTER writ large.

I don’t want these front row girls to miss that. I don’t want girls leaving clubs denied of encouragement and potential. As lame as punk rock can be, as hollow as all of our self-serving claims ring—that the culture of punk is truly different somehow than that of median society—at its gnarled foundations still exists the possibilities for connection. There is still the possibility for exposure to radical notions, for punk rock to match up to what many kids dream, or hope for punk DIY to mean. But much of that hinges on the continual presence of radicalized women within the leagues, and those women being encouraged—given reasons to stay, to want to belong—rather than diminished by the music which glues the community together.

Us girls deserve more than one song. We deserve more than one pledge of solidarity. We deserve better songs than any boy will ever write about us.

Rookie, 2015.