#because when i got home it was like 10am so i didn't want to totally mess up my sleep schedule so i stayed up most of the day

[youremyonlyhope]

There is a nonzero chance that I have COVID.

Yayyyyyyyy.

Let's hope it's just a cold...

[captain-aralias]

giving birth

idk, i'm pretty sure some people wouldn't write a post about going into labour on tumblr, but it's a thing i wanted to write about, so - it's here if you want it! if you'd rather avoid, don't click the read more.

things normal people might want to know outside the cut:

baby is now 11 days old <3 things are generally going well. i sleep between about 11pm and 3am, and then again 8am to 10am

it's been hard to get enough brain together to write a post like this, reply to comments, read fic, etc, as many of my most cogent hours have been visitor hours or hanging out with my partner. the night shift is not a good time to do things that aren't watching TV. i've managed to Read Half a Book (daisy jones and the six - easy going, i like it)

i was going to cosplay him as baby simon snow left at the orphanage, but he looks nothing like simon (much more like baz - currently: grey eyes, reddish-gold skin, dark hair), and also i don't want to write on my baby :o

surprise fourth entry: we think the terrace house next door has been turned into a brothel ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ok - birth stuff after this. not too much gory detail, probs, but some.

the beginning part you already know!

waters broke on thursday 11th, just after i woke up. this was two days after the stitch was removed, and therefore almost certainly related, so hooray for stitch! kept the baby in until 37 weeks.

i'd been worried that i might not realise my waters had broken, as apparently this is totally possible. i am here to tell you - that YES, it is possible. i clocked what it probably was immediately, but also it wasn't a 4 cups of liquid is everywhere sort of deal, it was more like - about half a cup every hour or so. and so i thought - this is probably what is happening, but maybe it's not and i should have done more pelvic floor exercises.

went to hospital. got hooked up to the machine that monitors baby heartbeat and movement. nothing much happening, although heartbeat all ok. the midwife on duty was called 'merlyn' - true story.

she asked me to walk around for a bit and come back, so my partner and i walked to the costa coffee inside the hospital. i ordered one of the new 'bubble' drinks, because i thought - why not? it's sugary and cold, these are things that make babies move. the drink was...... not good. blueberry slushy with cream on top and bubbles that were a) too big to fit through the absolutely normal straw and b) apparently were a cross between blueberries and popping boba. i say apparently as i'd given up by then and my partner ate them.

anyway - this detail included just to show you how surreal and nothingy early labour was. we walked back, hooked back up to the machine. baby now kicking a bit, and merlyn asked me whether i just had a really high pain tolerance and therefore wasn't upset about the contractions. i said, 'i dont know - guess we're about to find out' 🤔

agreed i probably wasn't in labour yet, so i was sent home, but asked to come back at 4.30 for my pre-scheduled scan with the nice doctor who first realised my cervix was open, and who we've seen regularly since (because my partner rang to complain when we had no follow up, and because this doctor was the one who rang us back and then made sure we were seen afterwards. not brilliant work from NHS administrators).

was also told if i didn't go into labour before hand, to come back at 8.30am (24 hours after waters broken) to be induced. given leaflet about induction methods. key take away - could take up to 3 days. sounds terrible.

home for 2 hours, back to hospital for scan.

we were waiting around for about half an hour. shown in - doctor says, 'we've had some difficult patients today, sorry! but you should be easy'. my partner tells her my waters have broken - she's surprised! (but pleased) no one has managed to tell her or put it in any notes, which she just reviewed. again - great job. i do love you NHS, but what is going on? a student midwife is trying to scan me - and has had to deal with all these previous difficult cases. with little amniotic fluid left, her job is basically impossible. sorry :'(

but - waters breaking confirmed! honestly, until that point i was still not sure. doctor says, induction could be offered immediately, but we mostly don't do that as in almost all cases you go into labour before 24 hours. i said thank you again for spotting my cervix being open. weird to think we won't see her again!!

went home. watched the end of 'little dorrit' (overall - it's good. so many famous people. the ending is a bit all over the place, though). about 9pm started feeling period-pain type pain. figured: probably a contraction! definitely did not feel like i expected in that there was no real release. it was just - now you're having a painful period. i called maternity triage again to say there was blood in the water now, and they reminded me that was totally normal (mucus plug, i guess) and to come back when things were serious.

so - i went to sleep.

woke up at about 2am. contractions now serious business, but also still... not as serious as i'd expected. again: basically it felt like period pain, this time crossed with constipation. and then it would go away, and i'd feel totally normal again, which i was not expecting.

we'd been told to come in when the contractions were every 5 minutes for an hour. my contractions were coming about ever 2-3 minutes. after about 20 minutes, i told my partner that i wanted to go to the hospital now, even if we should really wait. this was the RIGHT decision.

i'm the only one who can drive our car. it was obviously not a good idea to drive the car. i called an uber. unfortunately the labour ward is on the other side of the hospital to the main entrance, and doesn't have an address you can give uber..... retrospectively i'd have done better just putting in the street, like i usually did, but i tried to use the labour ward post code. we ended up at the main entrance, which was shut.

erin (my partner) keeps telling people that the uber drive was annoyed i slammed the door of his car, but i honestly do not remember this. the drive was about 10 minutes, during which i alternated between feeling bad and feeling totally fine.

we didn't bother trying to direct the driver to the right part of the hospital, just got out. erin wanted to go and get a wheelchair, but i didn't want to just sit on the ground outside the hospital in the middle of the night while she did that, and i felt completely fine ... except when i didn't.

so we walked to the labour ward. it's about 5 minutes from the entrance. i sat on the floor when the contractions came. then walked again. cool times.

arrived at maternity triage. again, it felt like going there every other time we'd ever been there - my key take away is that most of being in labour was extremely underwhelming. pain was not great, to the extent that i was thinking 'i can see why people don't like labour, maybe this was a terrible idea', but i could still think things like that. they hooked me up to the same machine as they had in the morning, and this time it said - yes, definitely in labour (which i knew, but ho hum - it was doing its best!).

asked to confirm i was a low risk pregnancy. we were like - nope, don't think so. ivf, stitch, isnt that in the notes??

a midwife came over and was like - "WOW, you're 8cm dilated." (of the necessary 10cm) at which point they started to take everything a bit more seriously. but they also described a bunch of pain relief options - and i was like, whatever, give me whatever i can have. and then was told - oh no, you actually can't have pethadine, water birth, or epidural of these as you're too far along. (which i also knew, but then why offer?)

i'd sort of suspected this might be the case, given how my cervix tried to open at 21 weeks. so my birth plan was basically 'whatever'. v glad i hadn't had my heart set on anything in particular.

they wheeled me down the corridor to one of the birthing rooms. they wouldn't let me go to the toilet in case i had the baby in the toilet..... that's how quickly things were happening.

i managed to change into the hospital gown, then got onto the bed. 'this is such a comfortable bed' i told my partner, although later (post birth) i realised that it wasn't... but i appreciated it a lot at the time.

i WAS allowed gas and air, hurrah. i'm extremely keen on doing things that make my life easier, so i accepted, obvs. basically, you breathe in during the contractions, and breathe out of the mask normally when you're not contracting.

THIS made the whole experience very different from just 'intense period pain', in part probably because the pain was ramping up, but also because whenever i wasn't contracting i felt completely off my face from the gas. overall, i thought this was a decent pain relief option. i also liked how breathing in the gas gave me something to focus on while pain was happening and it was a clear signal to everyone else that it was happening.

i probably had about... 5 more before my body was like 'maybe time to push'. (it really did feel different/like an actual urge). midwife told me i couldn't have the gas and air anymore - boo - just focus on pushing when the urge came.

pushed...... but obviously it hurt, so even though they were like 'keep pushing!' i thought, i will just relax because that's less painful. (great job, brain.) but i only faked out twice.

they invited a doctor in, because i was bleeding, and baby's heartrate was dropping. i agreed to the episiotomy because even though i reeeally didn't want that, i obviously would do whatever to get the baby safe.

retrospectively, my partner and i think that probably i was bleeding because i'd just had the stitch out two days before and those wounds had opened. but neither of us thought of it at the time, and no one assisting with the birth had had time to read the notes. (this is a theme of the post, not to be too whingey - but it was a shame). but anyway, the cutting (boo) came with a side of local anaesthetic (HOORAY) so actually it felt like a very good decision at the time, even above baby's safety.

one more contraction, one more push - baby was born in one go.

he's premature-levels of small at 5lb 10oz (5th percentile), even though he's technically full term. this is why erin and i think the bleeding was from the stitch rather than the baby, although one of the midwives suggested perhaps he was holding his arm up next to his face and that made him seem bigger. the scan we got the day before estimated his weight as being more normal, but scans are super unreliable particularly late in pregnancy.

really a very easy birth, as far as i can tell. i had slept through a lot of the early stage. the fear of being at home at not with medical professionals was the worst bit (and we fixed that by just going in even when we weren't sure) and as soon as it was over, i felt immediately fine. the whole thing had taken 2 hours tops. baby born at 4.30am.

i thought i'd cry when they gave me the baby, but actually i was too surprised that he was actually there and alive. (my partner cried.) the umblical cord looks creepy and alien. we'd agreed a medical professional should cut the cord, rather than erin (who wants to do this? they just want dads to feel involved). i got to hold him baby while they gave me the shot to deliver the placenta. barely felt it.

then had to give baby to erin for 30 minutes while a fuck tonne of stitches were put in... the amount of sewing involved was definitely worrying. i'd assumed maybe like... two stitches, but... it was a lot. can't recommend (though could not feel it at the time.)

after that, we just got to hang out in the room. i showered, changed, they brought me (but not erin) some breakfast and lunch. they did tests on the baby, most of which he passed. didn't pass the hearing test but apparently this is normal, as lots of babies have fluid in their ears. we think he can hear as he has startled at loud noises since. all the clothes i'd brought were hilariously too big.

sent home about 12 hours after the birth. could have stayed if we'd wanted to, but definitely did not.

i felt totally fine the entire day of the birth, full of LOTS of adrenalin. second day was also ok. third day was my crash. i got a cold, which was NOT good for my pelvic floor (and which i still have, RIP). my stitches hurt, the sleep debt had kicked in and i was hobbling everywhere, and breastfeeding wasn't going well. before the birth i'd been very much of the opinion that i'd breastfeed if it was easy, but i found it kind of weird and knew the health benefits were exaggerated. (but not completely, obviously). deep in my hormones, i was not able to hold onto this previously rational view. instead, i was thinking - i have no connection to my baby anymore.

i also cried at the song 'making a man' from the musical operation mincemeat (which is NOT an emotional song - but is about someone with the same name as my baby, who i'd just made), the beginning of the movie 'in the heights' (it was just so good!), the ending of the movie 'pride', and i cried again while describing what had happened at the end of 'pride' and how i'd cried.....

bought several breast pumps, fed the baby formula, took a day off from trying to breastfeed, things pretty much fixed for me (except for the crying at movies) by day 5. going to continue with combination feeding (i.e. breastmilk+formula) though, because it just seems insane to have to wake up every time the baby is hungry. what am i, a sadist? and when people are over - how good not to have to get your breasts out... thank you makers of formula.

ANYWAY. we're now on day 11. feels like baby is pretty easy going for a baby, he only cries when he needs something - which i appreciate, as it helps me keep him alive \o/ he will sleep in his basket, but only if he's already asleep. he prefers to be held. he can sleep for 3 hours at a time, but only during the day - at night you're lucky to get 1 hour, and he has been awake for about 2 hours at a time, unlike about 15 minutes average in the day. he smells nice, he wasn't cute-cute when he first came out, but he is getting extremely cute now and i think he looks more like my partner than an unknown donor (although still all to play for, i think). because he's still super small and almost pre-term, his legs and arms are still all curled up like he's in the womb, even though he's been out 11 days. but he's gradually uncurling them and stretching out.

i like holding him. he makes funny faces. he has a LOT of hair - which means the heartburn was right about that one. (n.b. heartburn is linked to hair, this is an old wives tale that is now scientifically proven) think it's going well, overall <3

n.b. i had to pause at this point because baby woke up. what they say about baby boys peeing on you while you change their nappies is 100% accu-rat, but it's quite funny really. we haven't worked out how to stop it because putting a cloth over him makes him hold it in..... and then you remove the cloth....... fine comedy in action.

my bump was very small, so i was able to put my pre-pregnancy jeans back on after only a few days. hooray, i love jeans.

uterine contractions started about day 6 (this is a thing i feel i did not know about before being pregnant myself. 7 days worth of contractions post baby to bring your uterus back in line). wow, it's like MORE PERIOD PAIN. great. there's less blood than i expected, though. i also can't control my temperature well at night - so i'm super hot while asleep, then get out of bed and start shivvering. apparently this is what the menopause will be like. looking forward to that 😅

not much else to add except the brothel stuff. basically 2 nights ago, someone knocked on my front door at 4.30 (same time baby was born!) in the morning as i was sitting up with baby. rang the doorbell, walked round to peer through the window, and then knocked again. i would not have answered - just wanted him to go away, but erin came down and opened the door, which was (it turns out) the right thing to do, but i was not happy about it - as we live in a semi-dodgy neighbourhood, although i've always felt relatively safe as we're off the highstreet and there are often people outside the pub until 1-2am, which is annoying but also feels like they'd see and stop anything bad.

i was running through scenarios like 'and then he breaks in' or 'and then he stabs whoever opened the door' in my mind. instead he just said something like - 'do you know where the whorehouse is?' and erin said 'wtf, it's 3am' and closed the door.

this could have just been a random incident, and indeed i didn't hear him say 'whorehouse' so i thought it was just a drunk guy asking for directions. but once she told me what he'd said, we then realised that the house next door to us... probably is a brothel. it's been renovated by our ex-neighbours and rented out, all the windows are blacked out, including the skylight we can see out of our windows. there's a complex doorbell system, they refuse to take our packages in, they don't have any bins out the front (which is presumably because no one is using the house as a house), and we've definitely heard people having sex through the walls. though erin thinks they've put up sound insulation just in time to not have to hear the baby crying in retaliation.

she's american and leftie and very against cops, so i'm trying not to be a karen about it. i have not reported it to the police, but i have said to erin already that if anything else happens that makes me feel unsafe...... i probably will. the man knocking on the door makes me not want to be awake with the baby in the night, even though nothing happened. (he broke the first rule of secret brothel - you DONT talk about secret brothel). we don't have our ex-neighbours details, so reporting is all we could do. apart from i guess ask them to move.... (won't be doing that, obvs. confrontation? no thanks.)

hopefully it's fine, and they will just move on at some point. VERY weird, though. and not what i need while hopped up on hormones.

glad to have written this post! feels like a good turning point in baby land, being able to write some words even if it's just this stream of consciousness. i also logged back into work Teams to send some pictures. since he was born, have been out with baby to the midwife (in the car), marks and spencers (in the car with pram), boots (in the pram), and today to a hipster coffee shop (in car, baby slept in pram bassinet). might reply to some comments tomorrow. working back up to actually writing some fic or finishing my lego.

also - it's (almost) hitting me that i have 9 months off work. apart from the sleep, i feel like i could go back to work now.... but i WANT the time off. but usually i only take 2 weeks off, and i've done that now... so it's time to go back to work...

i did read a bunch of other messages on Teams/Slack when i was posting the pictures. v hard not to care. even with something much more important to do.

ok - going to eat some food, now. thank you to anyone who read this far! hope it was interesting as well as long.

not tagging this pregnancy as i was doing it so people could block the tag, but people who don't know me literally found my posts and read them. and ... that's not what this is for.

[birdbrainweekly]

Research blog until GSA: Day 10 of 25

Ha....Ha, is it day 10 already?

Save my soul...

My significant other last night got home from work with a fever, he woke up and was still sick, so I made him soup this morning, got to work at 10am and worked my butt off handpicking (Which I don't know if I have mentioned this but when handpicking you frequently accidentally stab yourself with tweezers really often). at around 11? 11:30 I don't know, I ran into my advisor who said the ominous words "Oh, I was about to send you an email, but maybe its better to say it to you in person."

Honestly, I was so tired I couldn't even begin to feel the instant dread before he, probably realizing how anxiety inducing what he just said was, told me the content of what he wanted to talk to me about.

It was a good meeting, I coerced him into looking at my thin section, to which he found cordierite which I have never seen before in my life and so I wrote off as "weird feldspar, idk", which threw off all my perplex models and has set me back, because I need to try to stabilize cordierite with rutile?! RIP, I am hoping the adjustment of ferric/ferrous iron ratio will stabilize rutile at lower pressures, otherwise I really couldn't tell you.

In other news, the mass spec is still broken and will stay broken into the foreseeable future according to the grad student who worked on it all day yesterday. Honestly.... I am choosing to ignore the words, and push forward with columns and handpicking... and making my graphs... and perplex modeling...

Anyway, I left at five after sitting through a seminar and working on a new graph, then running to the clean lab for the last time of the day.

Stopped at publix to buy some stuff to make chicken noodle soup for my still ill SO and found 'chicken backs', a waste cut of meat they were selling for cheap and made literally the richest chicken broth ever? If he isn't cured don't even know what to say, It was probably the best chicken soup I've ever made, and I make a mean soup.

I will probably work on perplex a little longer tonight before calling it a night and kinda hoping I wake up sick though? An excuse to no longer deny myself looking up different native plants and what moths and butterflies they host (listen, I literally love moths so much they are fluffy puppies, I just discovered the existence of the southern flannel moth and I wish to pet the furrbidden fluff.) I am still new to the south and learned like 4 days ago passionfruit is native to here? And am really sad I don't see it everywhere because I would totally grow it everywhere if I didn't live in an apartment.

anyway here is a picture of "weird feldspar, idk"

[annieintheaair]

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings, coming down is the hardest thing.

I feel like I am ready to move somewhere totally new, find a new job in a different industry, and just completely start over.

The last few weeks at work have been rough, to say the least. I got my first ever missed trip a few weeks ago, which I'm still trying to fight because they tried to reassign me to work a 3-day Philly trip when I was supposed to be doing an Oklahoma City ODAN. They didn't even leave me any voicemails or come find me in the airport so I went home.

Tonight, more storms rolled in just as I was getting ready for work. I was scheduled to work a Tulsa ODAN and with the weather, I figured I'd leave early for work to give myself some extra time. Just as I pulled out onto the main street by my house, it started pouring. My phone was notifying me of flash floods and sure enough, I got onto the highway, and I could literally hear the water hitting under my car because the roads were so flooded. I got into the right lane, made my way to the next exit, and called scheduling as I got off the highway.

The scheduler was relatively nice to me and suggested that my flight would probably be canceled since my flight in the morning had been canceled and now my sequence failed continuity. He told me to call back in about thirty minutes or so to see what happened.

On my way home, I decided I wanted to stop at Wendy's. I got some spicy nuggets, a baked potato, and their new dreamsicle frosty. When I saw it, I just knew I had to get it. My Grandma loved frosty's and also loved orange creamsicles so the two together were a perfect combo.

At home, I changed out of my uniform and settled in to eat my food. I waited a bit and then called scheduling. The new guy I spoke to wasn't nice and told me I'd get a missed trip. I asked if I could call out sick then and he said no. I asked if I could get a PO, which was also a no. He told me to call a flight service manager and ask. Long story short, no one would give me a PO and now I have another missed trip to fight with them about.

I have learned that this job is not worth my life. If the roads are flooded and I physically cannot get to work, it's not even worth trying. Ever since I lost my car in the flood last year, I've had severe PTSD when it comes to storms and flash floods. My anxiety gets really bad and driving in it makes me have a panic attack. I can't even drive when I'm having a panic attack. Yeah, I'm annoyed about the missed trip but I'm also not trying to die for this job.

Anyway, here's the follow-up on this weekend:

Friday ended up being a pretty busy day. I thought about going to yoga but saw the traffic and decided against it. I felt like I had plenty to do at home anyway to prepare for the rest of the day, like get gas and stop at Dutch Bro's for a rebel to give me some energy.

I left my house around 3:45pm, sat in traffic, and picked up my mom at my sister's house around 4:30pm. We took a detour to Marty B's for BBQ and drinks. I had a margarita and brisket mac and cheese and my mom had wine and brisket tacos. Marty B's is always worth the detour.

We met my friends at the Little Wooden Penguin around 7pm, where we hung out and planned on doing putt-putt but never actually did. It was a little bit of a disappointment but we still had a good time.

The ride home was long. So many roads were closed. After multiple detours, I got to the point where I was actually angry and on the verge of tears. It took me an hour and a half to get home. My mom and I had talked about stopping somewhere to do something fun on the way home but ended up not because I just wanted to get home at that point.

We finished out the night by drinking wine at my house and watching Father of the Bride 2.

Saturday morning I slept until about 10am. My mom was doing yard work outside and then we went to get coffee and run some errands. We ended up going to Fort Worth to check out the new Daiso location and found another unique store, too.

Back at home, we changed and got ready for dinner. We went to Walloon's, which had been on my list forever. My mom got wine and seafood mac and cheese and I got an espresso martini and mussels. The Google reviews said to try the chocolate dessert, which was mousse, so I enjoyed that, too.

It was still early when we were done with dinner so we ended up going down the street to The Magnolia, which is a wine bar that my mom and I really like. We both had a glass of wine and then ventured back to my car to head home. Neither of us wanted to go home so once we got back closer to my house, I suggested we go to American Revelry. My mom had a Mexican coffee and I had a gin cocktail.

This morning, we got up and headed to church in Fort Worth. I had made a brunch reservation at another one on my list, Quince. It was a nice morning so sitting by the river was a great spot for brunch. We both had mimosas, my mom had avocado toast, and I got chilaquiles. Everything was delicious.

We ended up running over to Trader Joe's for a few things and then my mom got a Lyft to my sister's house and I headed home where I turned on the TV but ended up taking a nap.

Before I knew it, it was time to get ready for work.

All of the delays and cancelations and everything else going on, especially a lack of a contract and a livable wage, have me wondering if staying is the right choice. I have nothing keeping me here in Texas other than this job. Maybe it's time to find a new job and move to a new place. When I opened Facebook tonight, while waiting to hear back from my job, I saw a post that talked about not being afraid to try something new or move somewhere new. I felt like maybe it was speaking to me. There's literally nothing holding me back right now.

I applied to some jobs on LinkedIn tonight, with the idea that either I find something and go where the job is or if it's remote, maybe choose to try somewhere new. South Carolina has always been on my list.

For now, I'll continue checking Fort Worth restaurants off my list while I'm still here, even if sometimes I have to go alone.

xoxo

Annie

[fusion-ego]

✩Update✩

I'm super tired so this one might veer pretty close to vent territory in a couple of spots, I dunno. I'm just spewing my thoughts out into the keyboard.

✩ Change in plans! We're heading back to Illinois to regroup and save up some more money. I'm trying to get another job lined up as of right now and my parents will spend the next few months saving to help us get out there.

✩ Going to have to sell my truck, probably soon. I'm not happy about it, considering how long it took to buy it. Howeverrrr...

✩ We will be bunking down, for now, in my grandmother's (currently not operational) church. This means that we aren't going to have to worry about rent for the next few months while we save, essentially cutting out 2/3 of the reason I had trouble saving money before. (That being that I made around $1400 a month and had $1000 in bills between rent ($500), electricity (between $100-200 depending on the month, sometimes higher), internet & phone ($100), and subscriptions ($200). Without rent, lights, or wifi, my guaranteed monthly expenses will be down to closer to $150 without accounting for gas or food since we've dropped a few subscriptions.)

✩ I don't actually need help with gas money, that post was mostly me joking because I really wish money wasn't an object. That said, I'm still gonna owe family members money for the fact I have enough money to get back to Illinois, which is a total boner.

✩ My parents have rented a storage locker in the town we were staying in when the RV decided it didn't want to start anymore. Technically I was supposed to get everything out of the RV and my truck yesterday and put it in storage. Instead, I'm sitting at the table at 5:30 AM writing this post while I frantically try to decide what clothes I can leave in storage for the next several months and folding clothing like my life depends on it. I am miserable (/j).

✩ I've slept like 3 hours so I'm punchy as hell and definitely not in any shape to drive, but I'll be making at least one last run to the storage facility this morning, perhaps two. Thinking I'll nap in the truck later on in the morning before we head for 'home' for the next couple of months.

✩ The RV is being towed to a temporary storage facility around 9-10AM this morning. After that, a family member is going to get it, take it back to where we're staying, and try to fix it up. All that means is I have until 8:30 to get all this remaining shit together and into the storage facility or into my truck.

✩ With 3 hours to go and knowing I'll need at least an hour between trips to storage so my truck doesn't try to die on me from getting Too Hot, I'm trying hard to cut it down to one trip. Wish me luck?

✩ All in all it has been a very stressful week and I still need to update all my socials to reflect that I turned 24 on the 18th. It was a very lousy birthday but at least I got to have McDonalds :) However I am walking the thin line between 'totally aware and capable of taking care of myself' and 'full blown dissociative episode', having already depersonalized so hard earlier this week that I woke up with no back pain because for some reason not being Me made my back relax for about two hours after a depression nap.

✩That's... all for now? I think?✩

[swiftlydnp]

Hey! So this is my fic for the Fall fic exchange @b99fandomevents written for @amazingsantiago (I was so nervous when I got you cause you are such a great writer and I wonder if you'll like this fic I really hope you do) . You gave me amazing prompts but I chose this one " Jake and Amy go Halloween costume shopping with baby" (in honour of peraltiago baby 2020) So here it is:

Every day is magical when I'm with you

Jake opened his eyes to see a pair of similar browns looking into his own and the mess of curls which matched his. He immediately had a goofy grin on his face and called out "Hey Emi! Good morning baby". Jake beamed at his 3 year old daughter. Her name was Emijila but they called her Emi for short. It was also fun because it kinda sounded like Amy.

Amy was still sleeping. After all this time, Jake's heart still skipped a beat when he looked at her. She looked so peaceful before Emi literally pounced on her mother to wake her up. Amy groaned in sleepiness but after seeing that it was her, her face turned into a smile and she excitedly began to talk to their daughter.

Jake couldn't believe this was his life. He watched them for a while with a grin on his face then checked the time on his phone and saw that it was only 7am. They both had the day off so there was no rush. They had stopped setting alarms (Amy hadn't but it was only one instead of her usual three), they didn't need to, their sweet angel served as an alarm for them every morning.

They were going costume shopping that day so they had to hurry through their daily routine with Emi behind their backs nagging them. She seemed like a mini Amy sometimes. Emi was very excited for costumes shopping. It was her first time going trick or treating.

They had breakfast (Jake made pancakes) and they were dressed and ready by 10am. "Come on Amy, or all the good 'stumes will be gone", Jake said haughtily. Amy rolled her eyes but followed him nevertheless.

They were going to a shop named 'Abracadabra' as per Jake's insistence. Amy had no idea what they were going to be in for. She originally wanted to go to a sensible store like Walmart or Target like a normal person but of course, Jake didn't do normal. He had spotted the shop while in search of a suspect and was so intrigued by the name that he practically begged Amy to go there.

Back when they were brainstorming costume ideas, Jake had come up with the idea of dressing Emi as Holly Gennaro claiming "she'll look so cute in a red blazer and she's already got the curls". Amy had stared at him in exasperation and shouted, "You're not gonna dress up our daughter in the outfit I wore for our die hard themed sexcapades!!!" The last word was whispered. Jake eyes widened and he immediately had looked ashamed of himself muttering a "I completely forgot about that part".

Unsurprisingly, Jake had had another idea. "So what if we dress her up as female John Mcclane", Jake had said excitedly. Amy immediately had made a face at that.

"Hey don't be so backwards Amy!", Jake had said dramatically.

"I don't think that kind of costume will be available in a shop.", Amy had argued.

"I'll just make it here at home then all we need is a vest and a toy gun!", Jake had said gleefully.

"Okay first of all that's gross and secondly,she doesn't know what Die Hard is yet. She'll not know what's she dressing up as", Amy had tried to explain.

"And whose fault is that?!?!??", Jake had demanded.

Amy rolled her eyes and said,"I'm not letting you show our three year old child a movie filled with gratuitous violence."

They had continued to argue well after that and had only stopped when Emi woke up.

And now here they were at the costume shop and going through several different costumes. Emi suddenly tugged at her mother's hand and lead her to a section and showed her what costume she wanted. Amy almost teared up. It's a Hogwarts uniform. When Jake catched up with them, he looked at the costume and grinned widely at their daughter's choice. "She's definitely a mini version of you, Ames.", Jake said lovingly. Amy smiled back.

They were both remembering a time when Jake used to read Harry potter to Emi back when Amy was pregnant with her. They also showed her all the Harry potter movies when she was 2. It wasn't a surprise she chose this costume. Amy was so happy her daughter shared her interest.

Still she asked, "You want that, Emi?" She nodded excitedly. They took a closer look at the costume. It contained a full set complete with a wand, a Gryffindor scarf and the Hogwarts uniform.

"It's perfect! She'll look just like Hermione because of her curls Jake.", Amy exclaimed.

" The curls which she got from me! She is an extreme cutie who is carrying forward my legacy.", Jake said smugly.

"Well she got all her smartness from me so she's carrying forward my legacy too Jake.", Amy retorted.

"Well with your smartness and my hotness l always knew we'd make a great baby together.", said Jake.

"You always knew?", Amy asked incredulously.

Jake's eyes widened. "I mean uh- not always.", Jake sputtered.

"Hey, it's okay I knew you were deeply in love with me from the start.", Amy said fondly.

"Well you can't deny it.", Jake said effectively ending their banter as they looked at each other fondly (read: literal heart eyes).

They paid for the costume. As they walked out of the shop, Jake continued their earlier conversation, "Well you also can't deny how cute our little Emi's gonna look in this costume".

"Yeah she's gonna get all the candy.", Amy paused a little before adding,"Jake you know you can't steal her candy, right."

"I can't promise anything"

"Jake..."

They continued bantering as they got into the car and were interrupted when Emi suddenly started giggling. They stopped abruptly to look at her and her infectious laughter made them laugh too.

"So...where to next?", Amy asked after the laughter had died down.

"We're totally gonna bag up all that candy,Ames."

"You really think it's gonna last until Halloween."

"Who said anything about Halloween, Ames. We're just off to buy my daily stash."

Amy rolled her eyes fondly. Typical Jake.

As Jake began driving, Amy began talking to Emi and she was listening in rapt attention as if she understood every word. Looking at them, Jake smiled to himself. His two girls. He was one lucky son of a bitch.

Author's note:

So I hope you liked it! I really don't know how it turned out so criticism is very well appreciated. Lastly, I'd like to thank @b99fandomevents for hosting this. I really enjoyed writing this. :)

PS: Emijila is pronounced 'Emi-hi-lya'. Hope you like the name

PPS: here's the ao3 link!

[andreacamille1]

Really love my friends house and all her treasures. She collects rocks too but her collection is so much bigger than mine🤷‍♀️😂 Her kitchen table and coffee table are both solid stone and carved. They're so cool. My favorite are the 3 huge white quartz rocks. I can't wait to go rock hunting with Aizen this summer. There's so much in Alaska that I haven't experienced and I can't wait to learn with Aizen. Theres Sheep Mountain that I never even heard of off the Glenn highway that's suppose to be real cool. Didn't do much today aside from look at my friends rocks, stay in bed and go to a fundraiser. I was suppose to go skiing for the first time with my friend at alyeska but I woke up feeling so yuck. Usually I always wake up around 6 but this time I slept in untell 10am😱😂 woke up, felt half dead.. cancelled on my friend like a douchebag, stayed in bed and finally went to this cool church fundraiser and silent auction where I won at bingo. Didn't win any of the silent auctions because I got.outbid on everything and didn't stand around at the end like alot of people. Next time i know what to do. Had alot of fun. I should of brought my grandma but I didn't know what I was doing untell I just kinda found it driving to starbucks😂 I was only planning to go to sb and then freds to get kale for my friends bunnies but I seen the sign and stopped. Man! My friends bunnies sure creep me out😂 I really thought I was going to like them but they are creepy!

My son got sick today too and the nurse called so my sister had to take the rest of the day off. I feel bed about that and now just wish his dad would've brought him down yeasterday. We were just worried about him missing school because he missed a week for hawaii and then a few days here and there because we both kept getting sick... that ending up adding up to alot of absences and his school sent a letter home about it that made us both feel bad about it. Now it seems like he's still going to miss more🤷‍♀️ We can only do what we can. Just always thankful we haven't ever got seriously sick. In WA they had this reuse and recycle group and everyone in the neighborhood posts items they no longer use or needed.. I loved that group! Anyway, I went to pickup a couch and met a mom with a son around the same age as Aizen at the time.. only 4 and he was going through cancer treatment. It caught me off guard and like an idiot I started to cry😱 The mom was like what the hell! I made her mad! Suppose to always be strong for kids and not feel sorry for them 🤷‍♀️ Point is.. ever since then I'm always so thankful for my son's good health. I would rather have something go wrong with me than have to watch him go through anything. I hope my sister knows how to take care of him. When our baby brother was born.. we were all worried to leave him alone with renee😱😂 I think because she acted younger than she was? She was the baby for 15years before my mom had our baby brother. Now she's learning. Aizen gets to be her teacher.

Here I didn't even make it to fred meyers today because I forgot after the fundraiser so no kale for the bunnies. They have their dry food untell tomorrow. Can't let my uncle see the bunnies because he might try and make stew or something. Then I'll really cry probably ❤

and i hope everyone knows everything always works out. I used to worry all the time about everything too but as soon as I stopped... its crazy how my life changed. I can't really explain it to people because when I try to.. they don't get it. Whatever you really want to have happen.. probably will if you can just stop trying so hard😂 I know it sounds stupid because you see people everywhere who don't do shit... so nothing ever happens or changes. but it's like you have to keep trying to go for something.. but almost forgot what you're going for... or detach from what you want so bad and just concentrate on what you do daily. Like if you really want to lose weight or something.. don't fantasize about looking perfect all day (maybe I used to do that😱😂) .. detach from what you really want and focus on daily habits.. small improvements. Totally forget about the way you look and just worry about what you're doing everyday. Time will pass and all of a sudden you'll look in the mirror and be so surprised that what you used to dream about.. maybe even almost gave up on.. is right there and you already have it. ❤ Same with everything else. Whatever you hope for.. you probably can get.. if you can just figure out what to work on each day... without becoming upset all the time because it isn't coming fast enough.. or getting pissed off because someone else already has it when you dont. I can't believe how many people make their own lives miserable thinking about what other.people are doing all day long without worrying about what they are doing themselves. If that's you.. please stop whatever you're doing.. sit down alone at a table... think long and hard about what you really want.. then write down what you want.. and right next to it write down everything you do each day. If what you do everyday doesn't get you closer to what you want... you really aren't doing shit. It doesn't matter how many hours you work or what you say you are doing either. Point is you don't have what you want and aren't taking steps to get it. Do us all a favor and shut the fuck up untell you figure out what you need to do to finally make yourself happy.