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the headache is here
gonna try to code again today

#lol#im done for today#i made progress...got stuck...#realized i couldnt do what i wanted to do with my current set up#looking at the alternate way to do it....#and now its time to learn react lol#i reached the point where its like...#this is getting complicated and the tutorials r kind of nonexistent#since everyone does these things with react fully#i wanted to learn more doing just vanillajs#before going to a framework#but this project is supposed to be more fun than frustrating#so its time to just move to that now shshgwh
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*watches the prequel trilogy with the og trilogy once* GUYS I THINK I UNDERSTAND STAR WARS NOW
#star wars#I have enough chaotic thoughts that I could let this take over my blog for a short time but I probably won’t lol#it’s just that I spent the prequels going ‘ok but this is Bad’ a lot of the time#but then I followed them with the og trilogy (which I’d at least 60% seen before) and suddenly that new background information MADE SENSE#like. Darth Vader. he really IS protective of Luke from the get go. like. hello Anakin.#so like. parts of it are still a bit of a dumpster fire.#BUT I SEE THE FRAMEWORK NOW#brb thinking about Leia carrying her mother’s sadness. that’s a thought. ‘Beautiful and kind and sad’#like. just. oof.#I also actually understand why the prequels are Bad now which is fun and I’m temporarily obsessed with them#may watch TFA at some point because I wanna meet Rey and Finn but I will not complete the sequel trilogy lol#little bro says the sequels Aren’t Star Wars and I preemptively agree but I just wanna steal the good parts to add to my mind#may watch Rogue One at some point too#and then we’ll see if I submit myself to the devastation of the clone wars because I probably shouldn’t but also it would probably fix me#I’m gonna shut up now. I should get ready for bed.
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like somewhere in me the wires between 'excitement' and 'dread' got mixed up and now they feel exactly the same and i cant enjoy stuff without taking a dozen steps to reassure myself that something bad is NOT happening and it's all fine we're just going to the movie theater to have a popped corn and see a big screen. it's ridiculous. it's outrageous. it's unconscionable
#i react to perfectly normal and fun activities with the same psychological framework of a gazelle being stalked by a cheetah#and then i wonder why most of the activities i choose to do are boring and predictable and repetitive#one exception is a new hike ive never been on. i never get anxious about going to a new location alone and hiking it#that shit makes me feel like...idk real painless excitement#i guess#i feel pleasantly eager for what's to come and my heart swells with gladness/enjoyment/contentment#this is not the case with most things i enjoy doing#with most things i enjoy doing i have to fight seventeen video game obstacle courses of trepidation before im allowed to have fun#and then the first hour of the fun is also me having palpitations. and fun. at the same time#like who fuckin DESIGNED this thing#q
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Starting to compile and rearrange subjects to discuss with the new lore rewrite. This is just the outline I'm working off of, I've been rearranging old text from the site to slot into place and rewrite so it's not as Weirdly Paced. Subjects are bound to change format, placement, or be added to or removed altogether.
The plan is to condense the amount of scattered text widgets into one, as well as write/develop/detail/reword a bunch of new or existing topics I never touched on. I want it to be the beast it was meant to be. I want people to walk into this place feeling like they are immersed into it from the start. This will help; it's been fifteen years, it's due for a monstrous overhaul on par with the Schwarzwald lore that inspired it. There's a surprise at the end of this rewrite, but I don't want to spoil it yet; a small handful of people know what it is though.
If there is a subject I missed or one you're curious about and don't see on the list, poke me and I'll slot it in somewhere it fits the flow to work on as I go. You can also ask about subjects already there, it helps me figure out what details need to be worked on!
Here's the outline so far:
INTRODUCTION
Summary
Geography
Locations of Note
SIDHE PEOPLE
Physiology
Basic Mindset
CULTURE
Social Structure
Social Aesthetic
Education System
MAGICK MECHANICS
Blood Magick
Vocal Magick
The Hivemind
PANTHEON [A Brief Overview]
Gods and Goddesses
The Clouded Isle
The Oracles
Faerie Culture
The Spirits
POLITICS
The Imperial Family
The Aeroglaive
The Inner Court
The Districts
Political Relations
INFRASTRUCTURE
Agriculture
Industry
Currency and Transfer Rates
MILITARY
Infantry
Artillery
Cavalry
Navy
NOTES ON THE EXPANDED EMPIRE
Expansion Rate
Expansion Practices
#OOC#it'll be a bit before i can complete this whole thing im sure#dont expect a miracle overnight#but the framework is still there; a lot of the og lore isnt really GOING anywhere it's just being rewritten#so that's a hefty load already off the mind
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This seems to be a reference to Lorentz transformations? The first formula is apparently a derivation, and seems to be the inverse of the time part of the transformation (there's a space part too), for what I've been able to find.
The second formula is Newton's second law.
#I don't know physics so I've had to read about Lorentz transformations and I'm still unsure because I lack a lot of context#But it seems extremely interesting#It all seems to work so well with everything else Ratio has going on. The needed reference frame works well with his line in his ultimate#It seems the framework are usually cartesian coordinates? I have to check if it's not that in later physics#It all also seems to work in a Hilbert space for what I've read but I wonder if that's always the case#iirc Gauss was quite set on non euclidean geometry working on larger spaces#For what I've understood Newton used Galilean transformations and Einstein did Lorentz#Lorentz though still takes into account Galilean transformations and includes time if I've understood right?#Reading about this has made Poincaré look more interesting than he had ever before to me maybe I should look into it again#But mostly I've been thinking of Riemann. I don't know anything about any of this#but for what little I know of Riemann it crossed my mind several times that some of what I've read tonight pertaining Lorentz#would work nicely with him. Something about pseudo Euclidean spaces too iirc made me think that#I kept thinking of him from time to time so I was surprised I never actually saw him mentioned#Oh that reminds me I ended up finding an essay that proposed unlike atoms matter could be infinitely reduced and its implications#It was an extremely interesting read if nothing else also due to how it waved different fields. But I'm rambling#Veritas Ratio#Traces#I talk too much#Sorry for the tag again but I want to be able to find this in the future#I can't believe going to those group theory classes for fun has been useful in any way in my life#even if to help me understand with a little more ease something I ended up reading due to a gacha game haha#I don't remember much of what I studied back then but it was enough to recognise what was going on at times#and not struggle to understand the very very very basics of some things I read#ANYWAY again on my bullshit but so much of this could work nicely in Penacony and it will be so sad if they do nothing with it#Also I forgot to add that dp/dt is also used in medicine#It's a blood pressure ratio iirc but I haven't looked more into it bevande it seemed clear to me it was Newton's second law#Especially with the F. But I mention this to save the information. Who knows#Perhaps the formula was intended to be taken with that double sense to reference his medical facet#and perhaps it was intended also as a joke if it's really a ratio. I still think it's just Newton but yes I'm writing this down just in case
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okay peeps. So I've fleshed out the choice mechanics in ATD3 for the club scene where you finally see hoshi on his date LOL. So the framework mechanics all work so far and all that's left in my outline is one final arc before the conclusion. Now i haven't actually written content for everything. The prologue is done and technically most things are written up to the star in the image below. But after that, I've put blurb placeholders so when I go back and actually start writing things out it might change or break out a bit more.
I included my interface below so you can see what I've been working on below hahah everything to the right of the big, red line is the storyline itself. and the actual plot doesn't start probably until the heart stamp if we're being technical. but hey I'm proud of fleshing out this branching arcs which I think will be more apparent once i finish up this last scene and the endings come in - more to come ~
I would like to have this finished hopefully by the end of this month or by valentine's day :3
#i've been struggling because it's so easy for me to get overwhelmed with where different buttons go#you can't tell in this pic but each box also has a ton of varying factors and coding including flavor text#but yes! i've decided to just plot out the framework and make sure that is working/achievable before actually writing every nuance#and i looked at my online and was surprised i'm almost through the storyline which is GOOD#hope y'all enjoy this endeavor lol#ez.monches
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sniffles sadly. every day im so sad that fnaf didnt go with placing vanny into aftons role.... god forbid women do anything ! ! !
#just saw gtlive finish the first ending n like. urgh#maybe if i liked eclipse more i wouldnt mind how prevalent they r but woof man#like i get it its charlie and evil baby or whatever in the same body but come onnnnn#that and the candy cadet stories just bashing the same kid going into woods framework into the ground#i miss when it was like. this dude sewed 5 kittens together! this lady melted 7 keys! stuff like that yk that was different and scarier#i do rlly think the series is going toward this like polished marketable thing instead of the grimy sludge i liked .... </3 and the AI stuf#is sooooo boring like fuuuuck its so boring. i wouldnt mind if its charliebots bc at least theyre interesting !!!!#but mimic as the new villian? bro. dude. thats so boring come on... afton was interesting bc he was fucked up severly#and robots r just like. theyre just robots dude its not even scary its just a thing being programmed smh#without the afton behind it its kinda just ..... bleh#honestly i wish they would cap the story? like make vanny take aftons role; do some shit; end it in a tragic but cathartic way#and then if they want to make more games do either other families in universe (like fazbear frights) or prequels/ world building shit like#something set in circus babys pizza world or w/e .i mean you could argue its about cassie now but if her dad is bonnie bro we're still stuc#in the afton central place. and i dont like that hteyre moving on without wrapping up the 102938120 loose ends they already made URGH ! !#is it too much to ask for a fnaf game thats crusty round the edges and really metaphorical for theorists to dig into but logical enough it#can be solved and also creates a good plotline . yeah i guess hell will freeze over before that#d.txt#sorry im sooooo normal about fnaf <- is abnormal. fuhnaffs theories r GREAT thoguh i love that guy he makes me happy about the franchise :o
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i can’t believe in 3 weeks im going to get to just chill. for the first time in my life ever
#not even kidding it’s literally going to be the first time ive ever gotten to just chill#ive had times before where i wasn’t working but i was nooooot in the mental place to appreciate or enjoy it#i went insane#but im finally developed enough to actually just soak it in#not even as a child did i ever chill#it’s taken years of counselling and a commitment to various spiritual & religious frameworks for me to learn
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-> engage the i dont care method
#leologisms#ok good night. YEAY.#its so not seriousssssss <- has 'taking it seriously' disease#i mean its a reflection of the larger societal perceptions of language and 'correctness of language' but also theres nothingggggg you can do#about that. before. oh i dont know. completely dismantling many many many intertwined systems. so. whatever.#this is about prescriptivism being the standard framework that people use to understand language#and 'purity of language' being aspritational#and english exceptionalism.#like. why is borrowing words and pronouncing them in a way that fits into the languages phonological system 'mangling'?#and this coming from the same kind of people (most people.) who go 'ha ha ha english is so fucked up pronunciation is so inconsistent'#ugh. whatever. i want to go to sleep and not talk about this more. goodnight
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hi I just read the most recent chapter of no name on the bullet and i can't stop screaming about it, i need everyone i know to read your fic immediately so i can scream at them about how fucking good it is i CAN'T hnnnghghfkskshfhdvdvajak
THANK YOU. It's definitely a #screaming chapter. I know this because I was screaming while writing it. I've said this ten times but it was so hard to write. I had no idea writing a character THAT manipulative was THAT hard.
It was very much intended to be a wham chapter too. The persistent question throughout the story is "so how much does Vash suck anyway" and I think that was the chapter that put the final nail in the coffin of "oh, he's fucking awful." There's still some questions - it was made clear that Vash is also highly highly not in touch with reality at this point, and you have to wonder if he'd make these decisions if he wasn't so out of it - but there's really no excuse for being that cruel to Knives. He's such a Karen. Master of the white woman tears. Victim complex king. He's perfectly aware that Knives' only weak point is his own people, are the people he sees as 'weak' and that he's in charge of protecting - and that so long as Vash is 'weak, dependent, little brother, sick, not in control of himself, victim' then Knives is pretty much incapable of viewing him as malicious or 'against' Knives.
While he's in the room. The minute he leaves the room Knives is capable of remembering the atrocities. The way he thinks when Vash is in the room vs when he's out of the room is night and day, to the point where it's disconcerting. He is SUCH a sucker for Vash's bullshit, and no matter what Knives objectively knows and believes, Vash is really talented at twisting it around and confusing him. Still, he's had some character development, and Knives is emotionally independent enough that he can stick to his guns - that you are NOT fooling him AGAIN with that genocide stuff! Not a second time, Vash!
Super fun. It's not every day you get to write a villain who's a villain because he is just THAT great at the white woman tears. I'm happy that people still recognize him as Vash, since that was very much the goal - and it's a hard fucking goal when he's standing there being cruel to his brother and advocating for genocide.
#my writing#my asks#there's a point where characters 'click' for the writer and they become very easy to write#when you actually nail down their characterization or their frameworks#but that moment never came for Vash. he was a struggle the whole way#my poor friends had to deal with hours of me trying to figure him out#before finally going 'eh fuck it we ball'#and THEN i could do it lmfao#writing advice of the day: dont overthink it. just ball.
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#tag talk#I feel good cause a new friend at work said something about how my boyfriend hasn't talked much to him since meeting me#And I was like uh oh I do not want to be that bitch#and I know he's been trying to organize some kind of game might and I was like rip you can't get him to play stardew valley with you#and I don't like stardew valley so I was like hey what about minecraft? because if I get them playing together on a realm then It's fixed#so anyway now I might have a new server and friend group to play with and hopefully I'll be less in the way of the preexisting friend group#because I'm really conscious of when I'm the reason stuff goes poorly so I don't wanna be a reason friends don't hang out anymore.#cause that shit sucks. jealous girlfriend type can go die I ain't about hogging people I don't feel good about it.#I just want everyone to get along and be friends#I'm putting in the work to learn bedrock mechanics. that's how committed I am to this. I hate variations on an established base.#it's the autistic in me for sure. I loathe multiple versions of songs. there can only be one true version. one right answer. all else is bad#so the slight discrepancies between bedrock and Java drive me absolutely nuts bonkers up the wall#I read a really good twilight fanfic and it rewired my brain and now I'm forever mixing up which is cannon and which is fanfic#because my brain immediately booted the version I preferred less and installed the new fanfic version as the correct right version#anyway. I'm hunting tutorials that actually explain the mechanics and taking notes so I know how to adjust the designs for aesthetics#because you need the minimum mechanical base to work before you can ad lib a building style and design onto the structural framework#I figured out the iron farm mechanics so tomorrow I think I'm gonna work on gold farm stuff. and redstone I just want to learn myself
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my stomach hurts so bad i’m literally dying
#stream#maybe it’s bc i’ve had 2 tunnocks biscuits & 4 clementines then washing it down w 4 cups of coffee ALSLAKSALKSLSKSLASKLAKSA#like 😭😭😭😭#i’m Suffering#i need to do this paper that’s due thursday 😭😭😭#still haven’t started & im a bit fucked i think bc tomorrow is Therapy Day & that’s 😭😭😭😭😭#very much Needed but then i’m going to a meeting w mr ohio to talk to a professor then i need to come back & actually do the paper / finish#the paper bc tonight i’m going to JUST do preliminary reading & maybe get quotes#i think that’ll be good enough for tonight then tomorrow we can get the quotes on a doc & then build up some arguments & then make a rough#framework & then i can expand wednesday before turning in after polishin on thursday#that’s my plan ok swag#but also i need to cook do laundry & do dishes & clean my bathroom today#but it’s only 7.30 now so i’ve got TIME i can DO IT#but i need to be in bed by 1/.5a bc i need to be out of the house by 8.10#i’m grossly overestimating my ability to get shit done#like i’ll do dishes & laundry & cook & that’s probably it#i didn’t do dishes laundry nor cook & i also didn’t start the paper lol#ain’t clean the bathroom neither
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Gods it's so sexy of me to be taking it easy on my tags shift (I'm treating myself right and not overexerting myself)
#I got all the frozen dept done in just an hour#that never happens tbh#but now I'm 42 minutes into a break#I'm literally just chilling on tumblr on my phone#the lights in the office are off and it's just nice#in a couple I'll get back up to go work on dairy and tbh I should get it all done before 3#which means I'll have effectively done all my work in two hours and I can spend the rest of the time reading or chilling or drawing#I brought my grimoire with me cuz I got an artistic idea the other day (last month lol)#so I'm gonna try to start the framework on that so I can get some art out in the world again#I'm telling you limiting myself to 25 hour work weeks was the best thing I ever did for myself#I'm now able to rest and relax when needed but also have time to get chores done#and often I'll get new ideas in my downtime for things I haven't work on in literal years#like I think only ren will truly understand just how stunning it is when I say I finally got a new idea for Just Another Tomorrow#please please please ask me about Just Another Tomorrow I will love you forever (pinky swear)
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2023 reads // twitter thread
The Battle Drum
sequel to The Final Strife, a queer Ghanian/Arabian high fantasy world where people are divided by blood colour
the nightly hurricanes are getting more deadly, and Sylah travels to unknown lands to discover the truth and find help
meanwhile Anoor is trying to manage her new political position while framed for a murder she didn’t commit
#The Battle Drum#aroaessidhe 2023 reads#okay I do feel similarly about this as I did the first one...really love a lot of what’s going on I just feel like some of the structure/plo#plot focus could b better#like the first one fell back on the generic competition framework which I felt was meh....this one does that a bit with murder mystery#it had a cool in-universe summary of book 1#something about the politics/past/worldbuiling feels…I wanted some more connection or complexity or something?#or maybe i just expect more from adult fantasy#anoor's naivety got a little frustrating at time#like the murderer was pretty obvious#I love: cool new cities! glass city! MUSHROOM CITY#when sylah sees a camel and describes it in the most 'weird unknown fantasy creature' kind of way#I still find zines weirdly anachronistic.......when magazines don't exist in the world...#but I can give that a pass I guess#there's also an aroace side character (has some POV) who I have......mixed feelings about?#an interesting complex character but also. is SA'd for years before she finally decides t kill her husband#then becomes an antagonistic cult leader#I don't think that's INHERENTLY a bad thing; but idk; why was that a choice? maybe she'll be redeemed (for lack of a better word) next book#anyway all of these critiques are very much like. this has the potential to be in my favourite kind of books ever and doesn't QUITE reach my#expectations..........so like it is very good. I just ahhhhh want slightly more/different things#oh also jond and kitten was good. I still hate him for being the perpertrator of my Least Favourite Trope but. he has a baby kitten....#wait i should also mention the plot twist of who the person is is pretty good#didn't figure that one out#but going back through highlight notes i was like oh...there was clues...
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applied for a job!!!
#praying my application was decent bc this is kinda ideal situation for next year at this point#I’ve been getting rlly upset abt everything and was feeling Bad this weekend for nebulous reasons that I think can largely be traced back to#not knowing what I’m doing next. so I’m feeling a little better now I’ve done this! and the application wasn’t even that painful to do#it just took a while. I saw it like two weeks ago while I was deep in dissertation hell and checked back today and Oops Closes Tomorrow#so I was working on it solidly from 5pm-1am with like an hour break to eat#man that’s a full 8 hour workday#did also manage to destroy a bunch of progress I’d made in not picking my nails (anxiety 😔) but bleugh can’t kick a lifelong habit instantly#but god yeah I’m like. really unsure what to do even if I get this job bc then I need to find somewhere to live and prepare myself for maybe#immediately working once I graduate? which would kinda suck but might be how it is#and also deal with staying in this city for another year#I don’t know how to feel about any of it and I’ve been really confused and upset by the whole thing bc I don’t like any options I have rn#what I would like to do is be going to start a PhD now I know I want to do one and go somewhere completely new with a framework built in for#reestablishing my life there. bc that’s the expectation when you start a phd#staying in this city is frustrating because the housing market is a COMPLETE shitshow and worse bc I can’t cycle or drive (I should learn)#and bc majority of my friends moving away and I have a feeling the ones who aren’t have other plans‚ and idk how much I’ll see them#going home is an even worse option but my parents really want me to. reeeaaally pushing that rn#I am not going into that here I will retain some dignity#but goddamn okay. I’m proud of myself for doing this and for managing to be optimistic about it while I was writing#it’s never been that easy before and I think I wrote a really good application#cautiously optimistic abt my prospects and abt the idea of staying here. this is just the first step towards that#and I have space to figure stuff out but this would give me some stability and I really want that right now#yeah! :D ooOOoOoOooOo you want to employ me so bad oOooOoOOoOoo#luke.txt
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So i'm just going to be perpetually angry about the way I was treated in my past I guess. That's fun.
#i'm fine i'm just frustrated#im in the processing vortex post planned freakout session and like i got some things to process#my parents clearly fucking could not stand the fact that they had to like... be parents#about anything#I don't... I don't remember what I said that made my partner immediately pull me in and start apologizing for it happening to me#all i know is that i'm having to outsource advice and support from literally everyone BUT them#like... yes i DO want to have contact with someone who not only has been through the things i'm about to#but also someone who like gives a shit about me and wants to make sure i'm okay even though i'm just Some Guy to her#but i don't know what to DO with that i don't have the framework for operating with support#especially support and understanding and love from people who like... barely know me???#my parents were supposed to be that. so why the fuck am i having to go to other people's parents to do THEIR job#like#WHAT#anyway... i'm desperately trying not to borrow sorrow from the future before i have answers but like#fucking hell man#i'm terrified to reach out to my own actual family members who have offered ACTUAL support to me in other times#because like what if this is the straw that makes them go oh shit i gotta distance myself from this guy real fast#my eternal fear is that one day everyone will see whatever it was that made my parents dislike me so much#i've been assured that can't happen because there is no reason for my parents to have treated me like that outside of their own fuckedupnes#but what if they just haven't seen it yet? y'know?#ahhh.... sorry i'm... clearly i'm not feeling *better* better#but at least anger is better than fear
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