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leglesstv · 3 years

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THE DARK DAYS BACK– 2021

I have been struggling with how to start this piece. I guess I should tell you a little about myself.

What I do for a living is not who I am, yeah, I get to blow shit up and its super fun but it’s not what defines me.

I have been a water baby all my life from growing up on the beach to commercial diver.

The ocean or the ocean’s rhythm ebbs and flows within me.

Surfing has been the biggest part of my life for longer than I care to remember. For sure I have been out the water for extended periods before while working on projects overseas. Always with the knowledge that I will be getting wet again, sometime soon. I have never before been concerned that surfing will not be an option. I have always just figured I would surf till the day I die.

October 2019 we were still basking in the glory of a once in a lifetime trip to the Ments. 10 Kneelos on a boat sailing around the Mentawai’s. Absolutely what dreams are made of. Red, Giggs, Lester, Larry, Craig, Steve, Johan, Andrew and myself. Jason the skipper of Switchfoot made it 10 chargers in total.

We had also had a run of solid swell at the local, which for me was all time as my new Kneeon that Nick had shaped for me had arrived. Nick and I had chatted over the phone, had a few video calls and bam!! this magic carpet arrives. Oh my sack, I have never been happier with a stick. My surfing went up in leaps and bounds. Never been happier in my life.

Around this time, I started to get pains in my left hip which radiated down the leg. Initially it wasn’t too bad but it got progressively worse. It got to a stage where I literally couldn’t walk anymore. Thinking it’s got to be the hip, off I went to the hip specialist. Had some photos taken of the hip, back to the clever guy’s office and this is where things started to go south.

Mate, as hips go, yours look beautiful but I recommend you go see a neurosurgeon.

Your spine doesn’t look good at all.

You can imagine, I’m thinking “what the fuck, are you sure you’re looking at the right X-rays.”

So, at least by this time I was on crutches to help me get around and waddled off to see Dave. Dave is a neurosurgeon that had done some work on my spine before.

Same sort of story, pain in my shoulder, radiating down my right arm.

True as nuts, I had gone to the shoulder clever guy who had told me exactly what the hip guy had just told me. Anyway, a long story short, Dave did a decompression on the C7 and T1 vertebrae.

I was booked on a boat trip to the Maldives with my good mate Guy. He is a stand up but I love him anyway. I manage to get on the plane without really having tested the neck or having had time for rehab of any sorts. Probably not my brightest move. We had solid swell the whole trip, but truth be told, I was in constant pain.

Once back in SA, I was off to see Dave again. X-rays and CT scans followed, and Dave said unfortunately we going to have to fuse the C7 and T1 but we will go in through the front this time.

Absolutely no problems whatsoever and I was back in the water 3 months later.

Dave, howzit I’m back. More scans and X-rays (starting to know everyone by their first names by now) followed. Yip, pretty much the same story, crumbling, degeneration of the spine.

I was booked in for a decompression on the L4 and L5. The procedure was pretty standard and uneventful. Unfortunately, just as with the neck, the decompression was not successful. A week later, I was booked in for a multistage fusion, L4, L5 and S1.

So, they going to open me up again along the same incision line, not feeling great about that but hey, there are worse things in life. Waking up from this op was a rude awakening. Fuck me this shit hurts. Trying to move was pretty tender for sure. Anyhow the drugs did their thing and a few days later I was able to get out of bed and lose the dreaded catheter. Walking was fair interesting to say the least, I had to laugh at myself as I looked like a mummy.

Little shuffles with my hands out front but hey, I was mobile. The day they let me out rolled around. Crap balls I felt like shit and was fair tender. It felt like someone was taking a mallet to my head.

I remember battling to get into the wheelchair to get me to the car. The nausea was just incredible, I thought I was going to throw up all over the place. Between the porter and Jo (my wife) they managed to get me into the car.

The ride home is not too far but I was deteriorating at a rapid rate of knots. Got home, Jo managed to get me onto her “throne” where I just passed out.

Through the rest of the day and night I remember fleeting moments of being awake. Couldn’t move, didn’t know what was going on. Basically, a vegetable on the couch.

The next morning Jo realized that this wasn’t good. Somehow or other she managed to bundle me into the car. I have a memory of the gardener holding the car door open with a look of concern on his face. The next thing I was on a gurney at the hospital with Debbie staring at me. Debbie is Jo’s business partner and one of my best friends.

Tests and more tests.

Somehow or other I had picked up Bacterial Meningitis.

Jo had literally just saved my life. A few hours later and it wouldn’t have turned out well.

Some serious antibiotics and medication I can’t even pronounce later, my infection levels started coming down, but the headaches wouldn’t go away. Back into the noisy tube for some more scans. Was good to see all the guys and gals in radiology again.

Crap balls I had a rupture in the thecal sac. Basically, it’s a sac that runs up your spine and over the brain. The sac contains cerebrospinal fluid. When leaking the sac “collapses” on the brain causing insane headaches, headaches that are just next level. Think migraine on steroids.

Back into theatre to patch up the leak.

Once again, they opened me up on the same incision. Success at last, once again freedom day arrived and was bundled into the wheelchair again and back into the car.

Was great to be home with the animals for sure. Jo had made a bed for me in the lounge as walking at this point just really wasn’t an option. To say I was tender would be a bit of an understatement.

A day later, I got this incredible pain down my left leg. Kinda like being hit with a cattle prodder. I remember screaming as the first one hit. Absolute agony, pain like I had never felt. It would last for about 30 seconds but in that time, I couldn’t move a finger for fear of escalating the pain. I just screamed and screamed. Over the next two days, it got worse and more frequent.

This was an incredible low point. I remember crying like a baby. I was emotionally drained by this time. I remember thinking I just want to be normal again. Remember, I can hardly walk, can’t even get down on the toilet to take a dump. I hadn’t had a shit for as long as I can remember.

My wife was washing me and dressing me. It was taking its toll.

This carried on for two days until it got to a point where I just couldn’t move.

An ambulance and crew had to come and peel me off the couch eventually. They dosed me up, got a stretcher underneath me and carried me out to the ambulance.

Jesus, what the fuck!! But hey, could be worse…right?

Back to my favorite people with the noisy machine. Hi everyone, true as nuts I’m back. Another scan revealed that the crushed bone material that they place between your vertebrae was leaking out and catching the nerve going down my leg.

Another twirl in theatre to clean up the debris, by this time the clock on the wall and I were good friends. I used to watch the seconds tick by as the anesthetic started kicking in. I woke up from here being wheeled into high care. Now I have to tell you this was by far my worst experience.

The following morning two nurses came to wash me. I was in absolute agony and they kept moving me and turning me. I was screaming in absolute agony, but they wouldn’t stop and no-one came to help me. To this day I can’t understand it.

Couldn’t wait to get out of there and back on to a ward. Or so I thought…

From there they wheeled me into an isolation ward. Apparently, I had picked up the dreaded hospital Super bug. My infection count was in the 400’s (8 being normal) and to make matters worse, the headaches were back. I had sprung another fucking leak in my Thecal sack. FUCK!!!

Back to my old friend on the wall with the ticking second hand. Again, opening me up on the same line. This time I wasn’t friends with the clock on the wall.

Dave patched me up as best they could.

What the actual…

My new home turned out to be a glass box in the ICU. In isolation in intensive care. Jesus, this isn’t good.

Nurse and doctors were putting gear on to come into the glass box. “What’s going on???”

Machines were everywhere beeping and hissing. “Fuck me, this isn’t good.”

Waking up at 4am with people sticking needles into you to draw blood loses its shine after a while. I think all I ate for the two weeks was watermelon in the morning that Debbie used to bring me with a cup of coffee. When I say bring, I really mean bribe the porter.

Now you must remember I have basically been bedridden for 6 weeks and not had an appetite at all.

I could see the concern on peoples face when they came to visit, as much as they tried to hide it, it was there.

Nights were the worst and the tears used to flow. So as not to let the pressure in the Thecal sac become too great, they drained it every few hours. This as I’ve said to you before brings on insane headaches.

Morphine and I were no longer friends. It made me incredibly sad and depressed.

I came off the morphine by choice and gritted the teeth. Absolutely worth the pain.

Lester and Marco organized a live feed for me for the warmup session before the SA Kneeboarding Champs. What legends.

Once again, I cried like a baby, but these were tears of joy. It was so good to watch my mates surfing and everyone saying “hi” on the feed made me feel like a million bucks. The brotherhood is strong here in Cape Town. Love these boys.

At this point I was literally skin and bone, but my infection levels were coming down and I had managed to get out of bed and make the few steps to the toilet. The sun was definitely coming up for me. For the first time in a long time, I thought I was going to make it.

Fuck, the thought of dying in that glass box haunted me every night there.

Freedom day was like no other. Getting out of there into the sunshine and colors and breeze was a sensory overload, but hey, I was out and feeling good…ish.

My mates, Debbie and Sian had kept me going. Sian is my office manager and best friend.

She tried to feed me all the way through to no avail, true as nuts she used to arrive with bags of food.

God it was good to be home.

Reality starts to kick in pretty quickly. Fuck me am I ever going to be able to surf again, am I ever going to be able to sit on the toilet again (it’s the little things hahaha…)

Time to reset the mind from “fuck me, I don’t want to die in here to I need to get in the water again”.

Enter the amazing Lara, the physio that is a gift from the angels. I remember that late December day shuffling and shaking my way into her office. By this time, all my muscles had wasted away and just holding my frame up was as much as I could muster. I could do about 2 minutes before all my muscles started shaking from fatigue and I was still shuffling like a mummy.

The question Lara asked me off the bat was “what do you want to get out of this.”

“Just get me back in the water please,” was my response.

At this point it was a fantasy I had to believe in, physically I was a mess, but I think mentally I was scarred and the mental trauma was real. But fuck it, if I could survive that, I can achieve anything. The will to get back in the water was incredible and became all consuming.

Walking around the house became my exercise routine initially and braai tongs my best friend (in case I dropped stuff as bending was not an option). I had to hold on to everything at first as I walked along, eventually I could skip the kitchen counter on the way to the TV room and skip the chairs on the way to my room, and so it went on until I could just about walk the whole house without holding or resting.

Lara had given me gentle low impact stuff to do, just to tone the muscles and stretches to get some life back in the buggers. Everything hurt. This was a continuous process that I did all day every day for a few weeks. I was starting to feel more stable on my feet which did wonders for my mental wellbeing. Progress was gradual but I started noticing results which made me feel like a million dollars.

Getting behind the wheel again was a massive boost for me. My buddy Kante who is a running coach, walked with me from my local to St James, what a joy being next to the ocean again, mind surfing every bump that came through. I steadily built this up over time. Eventually I could make it to Muizenberg and back (5 kms). Everything ached at this point and the thought of shortening every walk was ever present. 4am wake ups every day can be a challenge and for sure there were mornings I couldn’t bear the thought of getting up. Sore back, sore hips, it’s dark and it’s cold, fuck this shit. On the odd occasion that I didn’t manage to get going, that feeling of worthlessness would set in. What the fuck is wrong with you, don’t you want to get back in the water? That’s not a cool feeling. I have probably missed 3 days in the six months I have been rehabbing. A 45-minute 5km walk followed by an hour of rehab back at home. I can’t begin to count the many lonely hours I have spent in the dark, walking and processing thoughts and priorities.

My weekly visits to Lara are always a highlight. My flexibility is measured as well as my strength. Some weeks just like some days are better than others. Lately there are a few moments of some days that I am totally pain free. These can quickly be followed by days and moments of crappy pain, but I will take the good ones for sure. Setbacks some and it’s natural to be bummed by them. Thinking “end goal” always helps. Watching Billy Kemper’s story after that crazy injury in Morocco has inspired me tremendously and there is a kinship that forms in adversity.

To keep the spirits up, I have ordered me a new board from Nick (Kneeon) which should arrive any day.

Jedd has also shaped me a 5’4 twinny that looks more like something that should be flying in space rather than the water. Can’t wait to get these beauties wet.

The daily grind continues relentlessly and it’s not always easy to appreciate the reasons for the dark hours one spends with oneself on the rehab trail. I want the prize now. Sheesh, it’s a constant battle upstairs. Here’s the weird thing, the closer I get to the end of April (paddle out day…hopefully), the more fearful I become. Will I be able to, and can I still?

All this and more just keeps swimming in the head and there’s the self-doubt.

Fuck it’s terrifying.

I have gone over it a million times in my head, do I just paddle out at a gentle beach break and see how it goes. Na, that scares me more. Soft waves are hard work and the amount of torque on the spine terrifies me. What if the nuts and bolts pop out?

There is no way in hell I am going back to that building with the big red cross on it. This drives me harder for sure back on the road, back to the floor and core exercises.

Lara assures me the hyperextension of the back I have obtained through this time will definitely be fine for paddling.

The torque and pressure on the lower back coming off the bottom and turning off the top, is what scares the crap out of me. The reef and I are intimate, god knows I have bounced and scraped along her so many times. I have certainly paid my dues.

Wiping out doesn’t scare me, it’s that word again “TORQUE”.

Perhaps I will just go straight on the first few. That in itself presents a bit of a problem at the local, but that’s where my head is.

I know you will all understand this, “what if a section just presents itself, just asking to be slapped”.

It is so ingrained in each and every one of us, that muscle memory just takes over. Going to have to be ever vigilant.

I have swum out to the peak just to be out there with the guys. The first time was not great. It took me so long just to get to the water. Jumping off the railway line so not an option. Doing the walk around and trying to get over the rocks was tricky to say the least.

Feeling the water over my feet was an absolute delight, but crap balls, had the water got colder since the last time? As soon as I laid in the water, it dawned on me that this is going to be quite the journey.

I couldn’t swim on my stomach as the pain was intense, but fuck it, I was going out. I swam on my side and back. Eventually I made it, the guys cheered and whooped, I felt like I had just won the lottery.

It was so good to be part of the conversation out there again, it was so good to hear how stoked the guys were for me, life was good.

I fed off this like I had been starved of life for ages.

Today being the Saturday before the Wednesday that I go back to Dave (the surgeon), brings turmoil to my emotions.

I’m not sure what I am scared of more, being told you aren’t ready or yeah, go get in the water. I am so scared of not surfing to my full potential again. Every day closer brings more panic. I just want it to be over now.

Wednesday morning dawned (but not really), up at 4am and back on the road. Usually, I am thinking about the workday ahead but this morning not so much.

My head is swimming with what ifs. What if there is still something wrong, what if I can’t anymore, what if, what if…

On the drive to see Dave, the surgeon, my heart is beating at a million beats/minute.

It’s good to see Dave again in a weird type of way, he really is a very cool guy.

Anyhow, he sends me off for some more pictures of the spine. Gotta say I was staring at the radiologist for some clues, but nothing.

The stress is killing me, and I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest.

So, back up to Dave with the thumping heart, I can hear it in my ears.

It all looks brilliant mate. What… I could not believe what I was hearing. He took me through the X-rays explaining what he was looking for and everything was just right.

There’s no use putting off the inevitable he says to me, go get in the water…but don’t be stupid. I wanted to scream it to the world!

Obviously, the doubts started kicking in hard right about now, but hey, I had gotten the green light.

Thursday morning I was off to Lara for physio. I couldn’t wait to tell her the good news. The muscles on the left side of my back had been in spasm for two weeks now, so as thrilled as she was, there was the don’t be stupid again.

I had coached myself in my mind for months now, high tide, small waves and just go straight…right.

Friday morning and the reports started coming in. There’s a bit of a wave at the local.

“It’s go time.” With my heart in my mouth, I started packing the car.

Sweet Lord, it had been a while, I had to keep double checking I had everything packed.

I don’t think I noticed any other cars on the way, I was mind surfing all the way through to the local.

I got there a few hours before the high just to get my head straight and check the lineup.

There were some chunky 4 footers coming through, but I wanted some more water on the rock. I watched my mate Dave paddle out and get some screamers.

Steve finally arrived, “I thought you would be in your suit already” he says.

This is it, heart in the throat again, off we went.

Sheesh it was so good to feel the waves crashing over my feet and legs again.

Jumped on my board and started paddling.

Woooohoooo absolutely no pain. Got out to the takeoff zone and everyone was cheering and welcoming me back. How humbling.

Mickey Duffus, a local big wave legend was out. Everybody back off he bellowed, this man hasn’t surfed for 6 months.

For some reason, this made me relax and just enjoy the moment.

Something started standing up out the back, Steve was sitting in the channel waiting for me to have my first ride.

“You going Mick?” I heard someone ask.

Yip I heard coming out my mouth, I spun and went.

Muscle memory and familiarity with the wave kicked in. I made the drop…Fuck I couldn’t believe it came around the section and just flopped off my board.

Steve and Dave had the biggest smile on their faces. The emotion of the occasion just swept over me like a wave, and the tears started flowing. All I kept thinking about was lying in ICU thinking fuck, I don’t want to die in here to taking off on the first wave.

Well, for the rest of the session, I absolutely sent it, trying to take off as deep as possible on the gnarliest set waves. All the coaching I had done in my head for the last few months went straight out the window.

In for a penny, in for a pound.

Damn, I felt so alive, without a doubt, the happiest man on the planet. When I got back to the car park, all of the Kneelo crew were in the car park and boy were they happy for me.

Sean Thompson was there too, shooting my waves and recording the moment.

How blessed am I. Nothing was getting the smile off my face.

When I lay in bed that night, I kept thinking of the months of rehab and hard work I had gone through. The many lonely dark hours of the mornings, but I had done it.

The next morning, we were on it at first light with the Westside boys coming through as well. The Kneelo brotherhood in Cape Town is tight. I am so humbled by all the good wishes and thoughts from everyone.

Just want to mention Lester, who kept me sane in the last two months. We chatted every day for the last while, sometimes a few times in a day. He kept me motivated and hungry and for this I will be forever grateful.

There are so many people to thank for getting me through this period. I think you know who you are, and I will get to everyone individually.

It’s good to get wet again.

I started writing this piece to help anyone in similar circumstances.

Stick with your plan and give it everything no matter how hopeless your situation may seem.

At the end of the day this was such a therapeutic exercise for me. Something I didn’t expect.

The trauma was and is real and this has certainly helped me face it and deal with it.

If this helps even one person get over and through a rough period of hopelessness, its job done.

Mickey Kirsten

Legless Contributor

SA Kneelos

#leglesstv #kneeboard surfing #mickey kirsten #health #sakneelos #lester sweetman

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emmalt24 · 4 years

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A Significant Relationship

When I was 23/24 I went through a real I have no idea what the hell I’m doing with my life phase. I was working as a nanny and going through an incessant clubbing and running phase. Even though I was worried about the judgement from my parents and more straight edged high school peers it was one of the greatest carefree times in my life. I would be clubbing until 4am at a private members club in Mayfair then ferrying my insanely talented children I nannied around to national swim practice, tennis, hockey, you name it they did it.

Maddox Mayfair - A favourite old haunt! Left to right; me, Jazz & Suraya (aka Susu / Island Cutie)

Anyway, despite the fun of this laissez faire blip in my life. I was my harshest critic and I would constantly berate myself for not having chosen a graduate scheme in the field I had trained in. I had done well at school, in my degrees and had completed numerous internships and even worked alongside my masters degree. I don’t know what it was, office life just wasn’t for me. I felt I’d put all my eggs into one basket. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I’d always loved working with children and heavily considered becoming a teacher. So alongside my nannying job I also became a Teaching Assistant (just for one term, thank god) to make sure it was the path I wanted to follow. Alas, I decided to follow through and become a fully fledged teacher.

My first day as a Teaching Assistant. I was happy I was taking a step in the right direction.

Let's just backtrack a little. I was lost in what I was doing. In that time I didn’t have a boyfriend per say but the occasional post clubbing hook up / casual dating but nothing which led to much. I remember my last full day of nannying before shortening my hours to work at the school as a teaching assistant, I went on a date with my (little did I know at the time) long term boyfriend for the next (nearly) four years. I may have told a little white lie on the date in telling him that I had been at my school for longer than I had just so he would think my life was a little more ‘on track’ than it was at the time!

We met at a pub for a drink and the rest was history. In the years that ensued we went on numerous trips, moved in together, our families became close and we became a very established couple. From the moment we met, I felt that he filled in my blips, patchy career path and that we complemented each other. His education and career trajectory was a lot smoother than mine. He got four As at A Level, went to a top University and went on to build out startups and secure shares in them as he went along. I felt stability knowing that he was so professionally secure and in the time we were together I focused on getting my career on track. He supported me with applications, essays and he even convinced me not to quit Teacher Training when I felt I couldn’t go on. Without him I’m not sure I’d be where I am today. I was the sporty, lateral thinker and he was the intellectual, logical pragmatist. We balanced each other out (or so I thought). His Whats App messages were like poetry, carefully crafted with skilful intellect. I miss them a little . . .

Obviously no one can ‘complete’ you. As I alluded to in my previous blog post, there is a reason behind the fact I often felt intellectually inferior to my ex and others. ALSO the cleverest girl in my class at school was also called Emma which didn’t help my situation, she was like Einstein. Throughout the relationship I never felt clever enough for him but I loved how he admired and appreciated the work I did and the level of patience he knew it required that was not in his repertoire.

A predominately happy 4 year relationship (minus the fights…)

His friends wedding on a private island in the Philippines

Dinner with friends

The Break Up

There obviously are reasons why every couple break up and I do not think it fair to post the nitty-gritty publicly online (nor can I really be bothered to write it all out).

The crux of it was - we argued quite a lot and often blew very small things out of proportion. The slightest change of mood could turn into days of passive aggression and I often felt as though I were treading on eggshells to avoid the inevitable. He was hyper vigilant to any mood change on my behalf so I would always feel like I had to be a perfect girlfriend who was happy all the time even when he had upset me. I tried really hard but sometimes it’s impossible not to let your emotions show, especially when you live together, have had a stressful day or are not feeling your best.

The days leading up to the break up

We had been at one of my best friend's wedding together in India for nearly a week. I had to return for work but he had just left his job so he stayed on for about 10 days travelling.

The first night of my friends incredible Indian wedding in Mumbai.

I was back at our flat and was busy with work. He would send me daily updates and pictures of what he’d been up to. Some days he wouldn’t message me at all but when he did reach out he assured me that it was because of the lack of WiFi connection on the Karalan waves - fair enough. At the time I did not see our relationship in jeopardy. He returned on a Tuesday evening. I remember I had felt really unwell at work that day which was unlike me. I was susceptible to coughs and colds working around children but they would never stop me from going to school and generally getting on with my normal, everyday life. This evening in particular I felt feverish and just generally really bad. He had made dinner for me and was eager to tell me about his trip. I tried to act as interested as I could but I genuinely felt so awful, I think towards the end of the meal I admitted to him, ‘I think I’m coming down with something’. He had never been overly sympathetic with me when I had been ill in the past but he’d never had to be because I’d always bounced back in a day or two. I wasn’t so sure if I’d be able to this time…

In the days that followed I felt worse and worse and I felt like the biggest nuisance to him despite not being able to help being unwell. I was off work a little and he used this as an opportunity to not be in the flat when I was there too. I remember on one of the days that week work sent me home at lunch because I felt so awful. I got home and had a hot bath, which only spiked my raging temperature higher and then bundled into layers of clothes and hurled myself beneath layers of blankets. I was incessantly shaking, coughing, genuinely felt like death. I was messaging him asking him to buy some things to make me feel better but he didn’t reply all evening. When he finally did return home he eventually made his way into the bedroom, gave some half hearted, ‘my phone had died and I didn’t see your messages’ excuse and offered me some vitamins?! I stupidly somehow went to work the next day, although I really shouldn’t have because I still felt terrible. Then the next night I was feeling extra awful again. I woke up in the morning and again was getting ready for work when I felt incredibly nauseous and sick. I decided to stay at home so I lay on the sofa while he was still asleep, booked a doctor's appointment and got my best friend's broth recipe to hopefully make me feel a little more human. He was suspicious as to why I wasn’t at school, questioned my prognosis and said that I was taking out feeling unwell on him. He left for the gym he was doing a trial at and then proceeded to spend the rest of the day at his parents house and didn’t message to see how I was doing until late in the evening. I went to the doctor, got some advice as to how to deal with my raging temperature, made my broth but still felt awful. I just remember trying to have a ‘room temperature’ shower amid shivers and just willing to feel normal again.

That night he returned and the minute he walked in the door he could see from the look on my face that we needed to talk. I explained how hurt I was that he hadn’t supported me or checked in more over the past few days of not feeling well. He was half heartedly sympathetic and we ended up talking for the best part of three hours although the time escapes me, it was all a bit of a blur. All I remember was a long speel towards the end of the talk on our relationship - one was on making it work and moving forward and the other was the opposite. He built up both of the options like skyscrapers, one would stand tall rooted to its foundations and the other would come crashing down. He went for the second option and in that moment my entire world came crushing down. I just remember starring at him in astonishment, ‘this is over?’. I said in deep blindsided shock. ‘Yes’. He confirmed. I just couldn’t believe it, we were over, this was it, the end of us.

The Catalyst

That night I tossed and I turned, I just couldn’t sleep, I was in deep shock and utterly heartbroken. He wasn’t sleeping overly well either and I remember waking at the same time and asking him if last night really happened. It was a very tumultuous night but despite being unwell and exhausted I proceeded to having a very productive day despite not being able to make it through most hours without bursting into tears. He had a boozy lads Christmas Day planned with his football friends which he of course felt obliged to attend so I used the day to run errands and stay productive. He gave me that day (Saturday) to get my head together and then on Sunday he said he would help me pack up my things to move back home. I had some eBay items to sell so I first of all cycled to the post office to sort them out then I went on to a garden centre a few miles on to buy him a plant (we were obsessed with them) as a little parting gift. My head was all over the place, I probably would have bought him a car if he’d have asked for one! I returned to the flat briefly to shower then I went to a friends house up the road to walk their dog and hang out there after. They were going to be out for the day so they said I could stay there. I’d messaged them in the morning explaining what had happened so they were happy for me to stay there and keep their dog company. I just didn’t want to be alone in what I knew wasn’t our flat anymore. It was too heartbreaking, we had chosen the majority of the furniture together and had built a life there. Now it felt as though the rug had been completed ripped from beneath my feet. I even popped down the road to get my class an end of term gift, did a little workout at the house before collapsing into a heap of tears to which the labrador I was with tried to console me. Eventually (at around 9pm) I watched the film Marriage Story at the house, (which of course was totally the wrong film to watch at the time) and made myself a sympathy drink.

At this point I had barely eaten anything all day, it had slipped my mind a little. I was too focused on keeping busy. In the morning before my ex departed he made me a bagel, baked beans and a fried egg. This would be a typical weekend breakfast for us which I would usually lap up but I remember taking one bite of the bagel and not being able to go on. I had no appetite and food was last on my agenda. I had a few sips of coffee and got on with my day.

The next day was moving home day which physically hurt. Again I barely ate anything, I was too focused on packing everything up and dreading having to move back in with my parents. Not that my parents arn’t lovely, it just felt like the biggest step back. I tried to leave with as much grace as I came with, I was not angry and I did not shout, I was just so so sad. I remember loading up the dishwasher as he loaded up my car but then when I sat on the sofa and immediately noticed the dust on the table I thought to myself nah love you can do that! I think the way I dealt with the break up surprised him. He saw a side of me I didn’t even know I had. Nothing can prepare you for something like that, when you are shocked to your core. You don’t know how you’re going to react, you just ‘cope’.

My parents helped get the bundles of clothes and other things out of my car into my room. There was a lot of stuff and I still had quite a few things left at the flat. I just remember my not very big room floor being covered with bags and I felt like I didn’t even know where to begin. I felt physically awful still and was just so shocked and sad. I somehow managed to sort it all and put some clothes out for work the next day, the last week of work before the Christmas Holidays.

The week that followed at work was a bit of a blur. I’m not really sure how I made it in each day and put on a brave face. I remember on the Monday morning I’d just gotten into work and the Head and the Deputy Head were putting milk in the fridge in the corridor and as I walked past them I wanted to explain what had happened but I knew I’d burst into tears so I refrained and instead went over to my classroom. My teacher friend came straight over to my classroom, coffee in hand and hugged me tight (I burst into tears then surprise surprise!). She was (and still is) one of my biggest supports. I had the sweetest class at the time and each day that week after lunch during the register they would say, ‘Miss Thompson I hope you have the best Christmas ever’, I had the biggest lump in my throat when they said that to me! That week I didn’t eat lunch in the staffroom, I didn’t eat at all. Maybe a baby tomato or a banana but nothing substantial. Black coffee and chewing gum were my main sources of fuel that week. Little did I know that week would lead to a year of restrictive eating and purging. The breakup was the catalyst that lead me down a slippery path of self destruction as a subconscious way of numbing the pain of the breakup.

#breakup

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aheartbrokenmind · 4 years

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04-13-2020

Amy,

I hope you've finished reading the first letter I sent by now and I'm sorry if this one causes more emotional strain. Continuing to write to you like this almost seems hopelessly hopeful, but there is no hiding that I'm still in love with you and hope you come back to me. I have felt terribly lost since you left my life. I think in a lot of ways you were a guiding light for me. A lighthouse in a storm. The North star on a pitch black night. Like the lighthouse or the star it wasn't always clear through the rain or the clouds what the destination was to be, but the direction was always certain. Without that light I feel a bit aimless, just dragging myself through each day, with little direction but to do it all again tomorrow.

I have written a letter to you almost every day since sending the one you last received. I don’t know yet if you will receive this one, or if it will end up filed away and forgotten like all the others. I guess I will decide whether to send it by the time I reach the end. I suppose maybe the writing has helped me to get my thoughts and feelings out, even though it seems much like screaming in an empty room. Yes there has been some screaming. There have been days where I've been so angry with you that I swore to myself I'd never take you back even if you begged me to. There have been days filled with such deep sadness I would have begged at your feet just to be close to you again for a few moments. Other days seemed like a blur, where it was hard to feel much of anything at all. There were a few where I remembered happy times and how full of love my life felt not all that long ago. These unsent letters reflect all of those days and the roller coaster ride this time has been. I'm sure you've felt it as well, or at least something similar, and how incredibly exhausting it can be. That in combination with a continually restless sleep pattern, vivid nightmares, and waking up before 4am for work with my new "pandemic" hours have left me at a point somewhere beyond exhaustion.

One feeling that seems to be lingering with me throughout this time is how badly I wish I had answers. I keep finding myself wondering how we went from the excitement of planning a visit to Japan back in January to where we are now. Have you been falling out of love with me for years? Was it the student loan debt? Is there someone else? Was it just the distance taking its toll? There are so many questions I have, and what feels like so few answers. You took over a month to think about things, and all I got was, “I don’t see a future for us anymore”. That seemed incredibly apathetic after years of talking about the future together. I suppose some of my questions may never be answered.

In the absence of answers my mind has ripped itself apart most days with theories and conjecture. Many of them have continued to cause me stress long after I've decided for myself that they are outlandish and unlikely. I won’t go into much detail about that, or you might think I’ve slipped completely into insanity. Maybe I have. One that probably bothers me the most is the thought that there is someone else. Just the thought of you being with someone else romantically or physically makes me feel sick, and brings out a jealous rage in me that I had no idea was there. I never thought I was that person, and I’m not sure I have ever felt anything like it until now. I suppose maybe losing you has brought some old scars to the surface again. Maybe I wasn’t possessive enough before and it made you feel like I didn’t care. I know that's probably not the case, but it has crossed my mind.

I don’t know if you will even remember the conversation or not, but there was a night while you were on your long European trip when you called me a bit drunk and we talked for quite a while. You told me all about the people you had spent the day with, and what a great time you were having. Then you told me that you had met people on that trip that you would have probably had sex with or been with if we hadn’t been together. Just writing that now has made the bottom fall out of my stomach. I guess those words never really left the back of my mind. It never made me lose trust in you. Just the thought that you might feel like I was holding you back, or that you were sacrificing some sort of freedom for me. It seems that the situation we’re in now has brought that thought back to the forefront, and I wonder if maybe now you just finally decided that you didn’t want to limit yourself to someone who was halfway around the world for most of the year.

Those feelings are a lot of why, no matter how badly we wish it could, I don't think our friendship will ever be the same. I'm afraid if I allowed myself to try to stay your best friend I would just fall in love with you again, and again, and again. In fact I know I would. Eventually I'd have to sit by on the sideline while you moved on with someone else and act like it wasn't killing me, and that wouldn't be fair to either of us. Maybe someday we will be able to have some sort of a friendship, but I'm afraid it will never be the same. It hurts me terribly to say that, because if there is anything about this that has caused me more pain than losing the woman I love, it has been losing my best friend.

I have decided that no matter what happens with us I will be intensely pursuing immigration to Scotland, and should be able to start making moves with that this time next year. I think at least for a time, with or without you, I will be happier there, and right now I desperately need a goal and some direction. I've written up a game plan for it that might even make you proud, and the numbers all seem to work out as long as the jobs are available when the time comes. I've been very jealous of your ability to retreat to the mountains during this hard time, so I suppose making it a goal to be in a place that I love, filled with mountains, isn't that outlandish. I fell in love with Scotland on much the same timeline as my falling in love with you, much of which was thanks to you. I would sure prefer to continue falling in love with both, but if you're certain in your decision, then I definitely don't want to lose both. All this time looking back has made me realise that travelling around your beautiful home country with you was probably the most at home I’ve felt anywhere, and I just don’t think I'm ready to lose all of that.

The few people I've talked to about this keep telling me that time will heal and that I'll move on. They're probably right. I'm sure both of us will eventually move on with someone else and love again. Maybe you're already well on your way to moving on, I don't know. The current situation has had me thinking a lot about the plans we had for the future which, no matter how much we tried to plan, carried some degree of uncertainty. I’m sure that uncertainty has been eating away at you for some time, and is probably at least part of why we have found ourselves here. I regret not working harder on these plans to be in Scotland sooner, maybe it would have helped you believe it was possible. I guess even with the uncertainty, for me, thoughts of the future were always full of excitement, no matter what it might bring. Whether it was a family of our own or just the two of us travelling the world. Whether it was a quiet place in the country hiking with Gunner and Ivar or a flat in the city centre where we could both pursue our career goals. I guess for me, it was never so much about the destination. I was always just happy being on the journey with you and knew I'd be happy wherever the destination ended up. We have faced countless struggles on our journey so far, and I have no reason to doubt that there would be more on the road ahead. I guess there was just a part of me that felt like the road was beginning to straighten and the path was becoming clear for us, before all of this happened.

I keep trying to get inside your head and figure out what led you to this decision. I’m sure I will never figure it out completely. I do know that you’ve changed immensely during your time in Japan. Many of the changes have been amazing and made you a better person, and some of them have not, many of which I know you’re aware of. Please don’t take this as me being condescending or lecturing you, I just want to tell you what I noticed and how I’ve felt, as I think I did a pretty poor job of that before. I know there are many things about Japan that have added a huge amount of stress to your life and you have been thinking about your future a lot which piled on even more. A lot of the time it seemed to me like you blamed a lot of that stress on our relationship, perhaps more than it actually was, and maybe that led you to want to cut out what you believed to be the cause. I felt like through your time there you've gotten more selfish, distant, and callous as time went on. I can’t honestly remember the last time you asked how my day was or how I was feeling. Of course I would never expect that every day or even every other day with the difficulties of distance, but it would have been nice to hear from time to time. It’s also hard to recall the last time you told me you loved me while you were over there without me prompting it. I guess now that the shock of the knife to the heart has dulled I’ve had time to realise that maybe I’ve been ignoring all the little wounds bleeding out for over a year now.

At times it almost felt like as soon as you set foot there, I was nothing more than a friend. Maybe it was a coping mechanism to deal with our time so far apart. I’ve known for a long time that you have your emotional ups and downs, some of which seem to come out of nowhere. I accepted that about you, and really just wanted to be there for you during both. While in Japan however, it always seemed like you’d push me away during the downs, or I’d get an update about it days later. I can’t help but feel like the artificial distance or self isolation from the world outside Japan that was created by this led to you feeling like I didn’t care or that we were farther apart than we were. I was always just a phone call away. I tried to push you to make our relationship more of a priority which didn’t seem to work. It seemed like there was always something on your end that took priority over a short phone call between us. It got to the point where we only seemed to talk when you had absolutely nothing else to do, or were just killing time until you were off to your next activity. Maybe it was just a case of you falling out of love with me or maybe you were just overwhelmed with so much to do. I guess I may never know, but I am pretty certain that I’m not the only one close to you that’s felt this. I feel that in our situation you've tried to repair the cracks in the walls by burning the house to the ground.

Again, I’m sorry if that sounded like a lecture, that wasn’t my intention. I just want to point it out because that is not the girl I fell in love with years ago. You can blame it on the distance or your Dad’s genes, or whatever you want, but I know that’s not who you are. I wouldn’t have fallen in love with that girl. The girl I fell in love with is caring and selfless, beautiful and athletic, brilliant and funny, driven and incredibly talented. I hope that is the girl that comes back to Scotland, along with the good that has been gained in Japan.

I hope you are staying safe. I worry about you every day even though I know I shouldn’t be now. If I do end up sending this letter to you, I can’t promise that it won’t be the last. I guess in a way it just makes you seem a little less far away.

Love you always,

Brian

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teamtassy-blog · 8 years

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The Team Tassy Support Crew’s Run Across Haiti

Our support crew for 2017′s Run Across Haiti is comprised of bus drivers, checkpoint crews, first aid and logistical coordinators. This year we hired three of our Team Tassy family members to join the crew.

Donate to the Support Crew here.

CREW UPDATES FROM HAITI

2/18/2017

Quinn Gallagher:

Day 1 Aka D-DAY, after being in Haiti for 48 hrs i could say I was getting the hang of it. Or so I thought, turns out I was severely wrong. I would say it all started when not even 5 mins into the first official day of the run, one of the runners informs me that I have a flat tire at the start line… so as I was crawling on my hands and knees at 4am trying to change the flat and make it to our 15 km checkpoint I thought to myself about how the little things like road side assistance and getting more than hours of 4 hours of sleep is greatly missed. Changing the flat was pretty painless (other getting than absolutely filthy).

Finally made it to our first post at km 15, everything was going smoothly. the runners were flying through; when the last runner completed our checkpoint we packed up only to find that truck #2 was completely dead and not going anywhere. After a few phone calls to Viv and Owen, the verdict pretty much was we were on our own to fix the situation.

About 20 mins passed with no solution, I must say that without our Haitian family member Josette, we would probably still be there. Josette quickly negotiated for cables from a nearby neighbor and with a little help from the local police we were back on the road.

It was amazing to see a bunch of absolutely amazing human beings push their bodies to a limit i didn't think was possible and to be there for them every step of the way was fulfilling. Team Tassy runners faced one of the hardest challenges of this Ultra with an elevation climb i have never seen before or thought possible to even run.

How they made it through this insane elevation climb on a path barley suitable for two side by side vehicles, massive semi trucks with overloaded trailers barreling down upon them, dodging thousands of scooters and motorcycles whizzing by them while they’re fighting to make each checkpoint is beyond me.

As a conclusion to day 1, I could say the start was a little bit of mediated chaos along with great team work and problem solving; not only by members of our organization but the amazing people of Haiti. i have never met more selfless people that are willing to help complete foreigners. All i can say is I'm blessed to have the opportunity to write about my experiences as they are so far from what the blogs and traveler websites write about, i would say it is one of the most beautiful countries with the most beautiful people i have ever come across. The potential in Haiti is endless, with help from organizations like Team Tassy, and the commitment of amazing people like i have met in Haiti will be a destination that you will have to visit in your life….

3/21 Returning Home

It’s been a month since I joined Team Tassy for RAH 2017. I must say I thought the emotions, the memories, the smells and the friendships would fade, but that's not what has happened at all. The emotions have become a fire inside of me, a passion, a way of life. It has turned into a relentless drive and desire to help people, not only the people of Haiti, but people in my everyday life. Every day I wake up and think of ways that the blessings in my life could help Team Tassy and the people of Haiti. I still get emotional thinking about the kids and their smiles, the pure joy that omits from them even though they might not have eaten that day. It makes me realize that no matter how bad of a day I could be having, someone is coping with a feeling I could not even imagine, yet they have a smile on their face.

The memories will never fade, things that were witnessed, positive or negative, will never escape my mind. From the the determination and will of the runners and crew members, to the fight and drive of the Haitian people to provide for their families on a daily basis. It didn't matter if they were up all night from rain assaulting their makeshift shelter. Even when cold, wet, sick and hungry, they don't have the luxury to call in sick. If he/she does not get up, they do not eat. The hearts of the people of Haiti are beautiful, we could all learn some things from them. Through most people’s eyes they look to have nothing, but from people that visit Haiti they have everything.......genuine happiness and thankfulness for what they have. I have recently read a quote online, "If you are more fortunate than others, build a longer table not a taller fence.” It reminded me not of my friends and family, but the people of Haiti. There were countless memories of Haitians stopping what they were doing to lend a helping hand or offer food or water to us, when we both knew they needed it more, but that wasn't the point. The point was that they appreciated us, appreciated the fact that we were there to help, not short-term but for the long haul.

I will never forget the sensory and emotional overload when I first arrived. I remember being in shock by the smell and feeling of carcinogenic smoke filling my lungs, mixed with diesel exhaust tearing at my eyes, the piercing sounds of never ending honks, chatter of the clustered streets. Coming from a Paramedic/Firefighting background our number one cause of cancer and health complications is carcinogenic smoke/ diesel exhaust , and I was taught to never put ourselves in situations to inhale it. Imagine being taught that all your adult life and then arriving in a place where you can’t escape the black plumes, nor feel the fresh air ever in your life, it was almost a suffocating feeling. I still remember repeating this question to Viv and Christina "How? How can it be like this" it didn't take five mins of being in Haiti to have the question answered without anyone having to say anything, you could see there was no way to get rid of waste other than burning the trash. Seeing five year-olds running around with bloodshot eyes from the relentless smoke, trying to make the most of being child in a place that doesn't allow it, broke my heart and right then and there was the moment I promised I wouldn't forget about the people of Haiti. I took a personal pledge to do everything and anything I can.

With the help of Team Tassy and ordinary people like myself and you, reading this, we can make a difference and build a longer table with the goal in mind of no grandfather, mother, father, son or daughter going a day without having a meal, or to go without the education and the tools needed to choose their own destiny, not have it chosen for them. Thank you Team Tassy for opening my eyes.

Grace Brennan

Here I am! This is my fourth trip to Haiti and I couldn’t be more excited. I am happy to be here on the run as a crew member to support all of the incredible runners we have changing the world. During this trip I hope to help out as much as possible, wherever possible. Through this run, I get to partake in so many things that I love: seeing beautiful scenery, supporting the people that I love, learning about a new language and culture, and helping a cause that I believe is justified.

I have been active with regards to Team Tassy for over 5 years and it has changed my life for the better. I truly believe in the work that Team Tassy does, and through my trips to Haiti have learned a lot about poverty and the journey out of it.

There are several amazing things about this team that draw people in and keeps them in. First of all, their plan of attack is efficient and effective. Rather than throw things at the people, they work specifically with them to find out what they need and how to help them get it. Health, education, and jobs are the main goals for the families that Team Tassy serves, and I believe that is the reason that it is really working.

Each time I return to Haiti, I see a difference in our Team Tassy families and it only encourages me to continue working towards the eradication of poverty with Team Tassy. Experiencing Haiti in general is extraordinary, but experiencing it with such a tight-knit group is life-altering. Team Tassy really knows how to make you feel as though you are a part of a team and immersed in the culture with the people that you are helping. For all of these reasons, I support and will continue to support Team Tassy as they make a difference in Haiti family by family.

Ally Burke

As a veteran crew member after our very first day of my second year of the run today, I began thinking about what made me decide to leave my 2 1/2 year old son for 10 days yet again to support Team Tassy and this crazy ultra marathon across an entire country.

After much reflection, I decided there are many reasons I return to Haiti over and over after my first trip 17 years ago: the beauty of the country, the strength and resilience of the people, and the pure satisfaction and happiness that Haitians find in the things in life that really matter.

I could easily come back and do things with Team Tassy that doesn’t involve things like no sleep, sore feet, and leaving home for almost two weeks. I come back for the run for one specific reason - it is simply magic. The bonds that were formed and the almost “camp-like” feel that develops through these days is beyond measure. There is something that happens when you go through this experience with complete strangers that bonds you together and you are almost sad when it is over. Being inspired watching people push them to their limits, taking pride in supporting them, learning about their lives and families, exchanging stories, talking about where they hail from, sharing in a Prestige after a tiring long day and many many laughs.

And after day one I can already see that happening again this year. And I just love it.

I will come to Haiti for the rest of my life, that is for sure. But I will also come for the run for as long as they will let me.

Michael Sueoka

Today was the most physically demanding thing I’ve ever done in my life.

I’m no ultra marathon runner, but I was playing all the sports throughout high school and even after college. I must admit, when asked to bike across Haiti I was extremely hesitant. I always wanted to go, but I was hesitant because I wasn’t sure if I could do it or that I would slow down the team. It also didn’t help that every single time I told a friend they would always ask “is it safe?”

So, I committed and signed up to be a cyclist on the support crew. Leading up to my departure date I was very anxious but also very excited.

Jump to today, our first day. It was a 33 mile bike ride from Cap-Haitien to Pleasance with the first half fairly flat. We started in Cap-Haitien and it was just so intriguing. The streets are crumbling, the buildings are half built cindered block stories or homes with some french inspiration from the island’s history. Motorcycles carrying 3 people are zigzagging everywhere, massive trucks just honk and zip by you, people were walking everywhere and black smog from every single running vehicle shoots in your face. Actually, I probably got smoker’s lung today. Anyways, I kept saying that biking in this area is like a real life frogger, but Cap-Haitian had this unique charm to it I couldn’t really put my finger on.

After Cap-Haitien we went through the countryside. The natural landscape of Haiti is top notch. I would compare it to Costa Rica and Hawaii or maybe even better. Everything is so green with small streams of water randomly running through a field with a cow trying to talk to me. Unfortunately, there is trash almost everywhere, but you can still see the land’s beauty.

Once through the countryside it seemed like Mt. Everest appeared out of nowhere. Half of our route today was up a large steep hill. However, as I was peddling less than 1MPH up the hill, Haiti’s charm came to life. As I biked up the mountain I would see Haitians smiling, waving, and saying hi. I would see a hut for a family with little kids poking out or a hut there selling who knows what. This mixed into the lush greenery just seemed, right.

I’m fortunate to say, that I accomplished the most physically challenging event of my life, while being able to experience and see Haiti’s charm. I can’t wait to see more, but hopefully Mt. Everest doesn’t appear and all the trucks get smog checks before I see it.

Sara Mallie

I’d heard a lot about what to expect for my first trip to Haiti, but I learned that none of it allowed me to even come close to imagining my first 24 hours here. From extreme beauty and vibrant chaos to the real and striking poverty, the atmosphere is way more intense than is easy to describe or anticipate. During my first day on crew, I was in awe of the running team. It was a long and tough day, but they put in 33 grueling miles on day 1 while keeping smiles on their faces. Their energy and positivity was contagious to say the least. One of the best parts was how between runner visits, we were kept company by dozens of curious neighborhood children drawn by the excitement to watch the runners and talk with us. I’m so excited for the rest of the adventures that lie ahead on this trip!

Jules

Hello everyone...

Today I’m very excited to talk to you about Team Tassy’s work in Haiti.

So, before I start I would like to tell you a bit about myself. I’m Jules John and I’m the Haitian manager at Team Tassy, the one who manages all the programs that Team Tassy has here. Education, Health and Jobs creation are all parts of the work. So people in Haiti are all expected to have a job at least for them to be able to feed their families and to pay for education, as well as stuff for their families as well.

So Team Tassy is an Organization that works in Haiti that helps Haitian families through a lot of things. Today’s run was really great so this is a good sign of how the rest of the days will be during the whole RAH. So far it was a very great experience guys to be part of this big adventure for the third time. I’m so happy to have all of those volunteers here with us to support us to run for us this is amazing things guys. No words to describe how grateful we are to have you guys making all those sacrifices for us.

Today went well and then I can’t wait to see how tomorrow will be and to tell you about it again guys.

Justin P.

Day 1,

This is now my 3rd time participating in the run across Haiti with Team Tassy. Year one I was on crew, year two runner, and now I crew again. Today as we arrive in Plaisance I am feeling humbled.

I am humbled because of the wonderful people here, the work that Team Tassy is doing to lift their family members out of poverty, and this wonderfully dedicated group of runners and volunteers that made the decision to come here and give a little of themselves to make a big difference in the lives of others.

I don’t want to say too much as I am sure everyone has much to say but i’ll just say this. If you have the chance or means you should come and visit this country. Yes, it has been through a lot we all know this however, there is more here for you to see and feel. This is a majestic place, a grand place, a rich place, and a poor place yet a happy place. It is hard to have the right perspective from our comfortable living rooms. So, if you are thinking about it I urge you to just do it. Team Tassy could not be better hosts.

I just want you all to know where ever you are reading this from that this country is still in much need but it is such a bright and warm place filled with much beauty and love.

I wish you could feel what it’s like to meet the people here as we do every day during the run. In their towns and small villages along the route. That are alway most eager to know more about us and even give us a hand when needed. This is something that I feel is even lacking in our own neighborhoods and communities. The openness and trust to learn about each other when we don’t know each other. I wish we all can be bold enough to listen to these people and learn from them. They are ingenious. They make due with so little and yet are still able to thrive and even be happy despite this.

Lastly, I just want to tell you about something that happened today in the spirit of what I said earlier about openness, trust, and giving a hand. So….as we leave Cap- Haitian very early this morning at about 4 am. I set out with my crew in our 4-wheel drive Hilux truck to find our first 10k check point. The thing is we can’t seem to find the initial check point we had set up. Owen, Grace and I decided to turn around. “Maybe we passed it up?” I thought. I have to mention here that the truck Im driving the team in has the most black tinted windows you can imagine. It was hard if not impossible to see everything. Usually in the bright light of day I would have no problem with this but this morning in the country side it was dark out, very dark. I begin turning the truck around and think “no problem looks like I have a clean shot to do this in one go” it turns out I did not. I got us stuck on a very dangerous angle in some sort of a mote with 4 feet of water/ mud / garbage in it. The truck was up on just 2 wheels and we were stuck. I got everyone out of the truck and tried to move it forward but had little to no success. Owen tried giving me a little assistance but we were already in panic mode. In what seemed like just 2 minutes at 4:30AM mind you about 10 Haitians appeared out of nowhere. We couldn’t understand where they came from but we knew they were there to help. Just then a massive truck was coming down the road as well. They communicated what was going on and used a make shift piece of cloth or something to tie around the bumper. It wasn’t easy. They all jumped right into all of that mud and debris to help push. I’m talking, their once clean legs now filthy for our sake. The truck driver so happy to stop and help. It took a few tries but we managed to get the truck back onto the road and get to our check point with a little help from our friends. All I know is that would not happen in my town. I’m grateful for and humbled by all of those Haitians who helped. It was something I’ll never forget.

Signing off….

Justin

2/19/17 - Day 2

Ranger Ray

Hello everyone! It’s time for the daily “Medical Minute” from Ray on the RAH Medical Team! Today’s message is best read in a spoken word poetry style…

If you start to feel ill, remember to stop, collaborate and listen to your body.

Your body that’s a wonderland.

But don’t go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and lakes that you’re used to.

But don’t drink the water, there’s stuff in the water.

So you should pop a bottle and let your body waddle.

Don’t act like a snobby model, you just hit the lotto.

They call it mellow yellow - your pee that is

They call it mellow yellow

Because it’s the one that we want, the one that we want, Ooo, Ooo, Ooo.

The one that we need, Oh yes indeed.

You’ve got to push it, push it real good

But remember to stay hydrated!

Because tramps like us, baby we were born to run!

Sasha (Team Tassy Staff)

You could say I’m a “people person.” I love talking to and getting to know people, I love photographing their faces, I love seeing over and over those qualities in us that are just so darn human. So it’s not surprising that so far, it’s the people in Haiti that have made the deepest impression on me. Some are warm, some are skeptical, most seem extremely curious about who we are and what the heck we’re doing.

We’re lucky to have several Creole speakers running this year and it’s great hearing firsthand what people are yelling. A group of kids heckled Wesley as he ran, “The blonde girl is beating you! You have to catch up!” Laurence explained to another group of onlookers on Day 1 that she was heading to Jacmel (at the other end of the country). “In a car, right? Where’s your car?” They could not understand why she’d run all that way.

Which brings me right back to the people of Haiti. That’s why we run. This country, with it’s vibrant, almost saturated, culture. The vivid colors everywhere, the music you can’t help but shake your hips to, the children that swarm you and joke with you and hug you. I’ve had so many amazing conversations and it’s only been 5 days, some in English, some in really bad French (on my part), but amazing nonetheless. They have left me with the certainty that this is a culture that needs to be preserved, a country that needs to flourish, a nation of people that deserve no less than you and I. And that is why we run and crew. #2017runacrosshaiti

Stefan Sereacki

When my friends and coworkers back in Vancouver, Canada, learned that I was taking two weeks of vacation to go cycle across Haiti (again.) to support a group of ultramarathoners, they were flabbergasted. “Why would you do THAT on your VACATION?!”, was the most common response, second only to “You’re crazy. That’s crazy.”

On day two, during one of the mountain climbs just outside of Plaisance, I had stopped to take in the sunrise over the valley we had just emerged from. The pastel coloured skies overflowing over the ridge line into the damp jungle below made for an unbelievable picture, so I escaped behind my camera lens. Without hearing anyone approach, I jumped at hearing a polite and raspy “bonjou!”. I turned to see a smiling elderly man holding a megaphone, seemingly eager to hear my response - clearly an outsider. Over the next ten minutes I briefly got to learn about this man, Marc-Henri, and his life. He was born in Plaisance and, with the exception of a few short trips locally, has never left. He also comes to this beautiful lookout every morning to volunteer as the very unofficial town crier. He rarely, if ever, gets paid for his work. While he’s quite engaged, earning a fair wage would be nothing short of life changing.

This week, the runners we are supporting are pushing themselves beyond their limits to raise funds for Team Tassy to do exactly that: help families earn the skills to be able to find and maintain dignified employment to provide for themselves. If vacation is supposed to be time spent gaining a little more freedom in one’s life, there is no reason we shouldn’t take a bit of that time to help others gain the same.

www.crowdrise.com/2017RAH

Dan H.

I think yesterday was an abrupt wake up for everyone, 4am start, running through the early traffic of Cap Haiten, into the mountains outside of the city. It seems the group was relieved by finishing one of the longer days of the run, albeit acutely aware of the daunting miles ahead this week. Today, however, runners bounced back quickly. The initial climb brought early morning mountain views, showcasing the beauty of the island. With miles feeling less like a task and more of a privilege, the runners were eager to talk about where they were from and how they came to be a part of the RAH.

Personally, I had been anxious leading up to the RAH this year. I remembered last year, cycling through crowded markets, dodging dogs, and long descents over broken roads, but today brought a new perspective. It’s an incredible privilege to be in Haiti, a place that catches every stroke of bad luck. The hurricane a couple months ago definitely wreaked havoc on the roads--it was hard to imagine them getting worse from last year. And while navigating the cratered road between runners, I wondered how the country could ever get back on its feet when constantly being beaten back down to zero. Any effort, like the building of a road, can be wiped out by a single storm. But today also showed us the potential, the stark beauty of the island, and reminded me that I should feel lucky to be here at all.

2/20/17 - Day 3

OWEN (Team Tassy Staff)

This is weird. Not “weird” in a Ninja Turtles III kind of way. Weird in a “This started with seven people… and has grown into a movement” kind of way. Every year the RAH brings firsts. This year, I have yet another personal first. This is my first RAH as a part of the merry gang of crew ninjas. It’s one thing to run across Haiti, but it’s a completely other thing to make it happen. I am so fortunate to have now seen the race from both sides of the fence and I have to admit...the rhythm of logistics is addicting. Every day you wake up and you get to solve a giant puzzle with an army of awesome. “Who was the last person to leave your station?” “Where can we get ice?” “What is that goat eating?” This is how we move 44 people across an entire country. Just like running, it’s not an individual sport. It only happens with a team.

Speaking of teams, I honestly can’t speak more highly of this team. No joke. These guys are organized, hardworking, and hilarious. Well, mostly hilarious. Every year it’s a learning process. We show up. We pivot. We make it happen it. I couldn’t be more proud of this crew. It is truly an honor to run with them and navigate this beautiful country. Now if we just had a tow strap….

2/21/17 - Day 4

Julie Noblick - St. Marc’s

While this is my 10th trip to Haiti with Team Tassy, this is my first trip traveling north of Cange and my first year crewing for the Run Across Haiti. I haven’t been to Haiti in almost two and a half years and it’s hard to describe what it feels like to be back and even more difficult to put into words what it’s like to see so many new parts of the country.

Haiti is a place of contrasts so severe as to be disorienting. I’m writing this from a balcony overlooking the sea in St. Marc’s. The water starts out a deep azure blue and brightens to turquoise where the water meets the mountains. It’s breathtaking by any measure. Yet many people who live here never get to take in this view. The obstacles presented by poverty can place even the most basic of needs of feeding, clothing, educating, and keeping a roof over your family’s head just out of reach.

The work Team Tassy does is about opportunity. Everyone should have the right to take care of themselves and their family. Dignified employment is the foothold to help people climb up and out of the hole. With every step our runners take, we get closer to providing that opportunity to all of our families.

2/22/17 - Day 5

Brody Lynott

I am currently sitting poolside outside of our hotel in Genevieve. We have been here since roughly 9:30 and unfortunately due to the travelling Carnaval de L'Independence that takes place across the country every year, some of us are still waiting on rooms. Things must have got a little rowdy last night but it was cool to see some big Haitian musicians that were playing at the Carnaval. T-Vice.. I'm sure you all know of him. To our Haitian family members who are helping us along the way, it was like seeing J Biebs. Anyway, right now everyone is surviving off of Solo bars and Pringles until lunch is served, and I feel greatly for the runners right now who are so used to being able to fuel up properly after such a hard run. I was unable to start at the beginning of the run today due to the need of support crew members but at the 15km mark once the majority of the runners passed through I was able to hop out and start running with Brandy. It was at this time when she needed it most. The little strains from the past few days are progressively getting worse and are only going to continue getting worse with the gruelling runs. She was really feeling it today with her IT band and it was beginning to wear her down physically and mentally. It's hard not to let you emotions get the best of you here but I knew she would fight through. I ran just under 10km today with her to the finish line and that was plenty. The runners started today at 5 AM, just like everyday, we start as early as we can to beat the heat. Unfortunately for me, when I started running, the sun and heat was unavoidable. My run today with Brandy Hagel was so much different than yesterday's mountainous run. The majority of my 10km took place through the markets of Genevieve. I can't begin to describe the difficulties you face running in that kind of environment. Every vehicle runs off diesel, and running along side all the traffic with the exhaust in your face is suffocating. Pair that with garbage being burnt everywhere you look, and it makes you feel like you’re breathing through a straw. The heat, humidity, pollution, stench, the crowds, traffic, and not to mention almost stepping on a dead dog... the list is endless and it made me run faster than I thought I ever could at that distance. I wasn't comfortable, and not everyone in these cities are friendly to us. But it's the moments you pass the occasional group of people who respond back to our "bonjour, excuse moi" with "Merci pour nous aidez". Or the kids who run beside you with the biggest smiles on their faces. That was all the motivation Brandy and I needed. -pou ayiti

2/23/17 - Day 6

Time with our Families - Sasha (Team Tassy Staff)

Today was “Rest Day” (TM pending), so we gathered our runners and crew members and headed to Menelas and Molea, the two communities where Team Tassy focus their efforts. All week we’ve been working hard beside three family members on the support crew, Nicole, Josette and Giordani. They’ve been a giant asset, lugging water bottles with us, cheering everyone on, applying sunscreen at every opportunity. They’ve also helped us navigate cultural situations, like when our checkstop happened to be set up in front of a funeral, or our truck was mistaken for a tap tap (Haiti’s version of a public bus) and a local fellow starting loading his stuff in the back. It’s been amazing to watch them bond with everyone else, dishing out the zingers with the rest of the crew, smiling and laughing when things go awry, talking about their children, dancing and singing when we’ve all had a couple of Prestiges. So you can imagine how meaningful it was to visit their homes.

Josette showed off her 18 month old baby and her lovely, solid home. Before Team Tassy, her family squeezed into a USAID tent, cowering in a corner when it rained, even if they were supposed to be sleeping. Giordani introduced us to his beautiful wife, and proudly pulled out a picture of his 6 children. They were all in school, an impossibility before, given the expense, so we weren’t able to meet them in person. He waited 3 years for the opportunity to work with Team Tassy, making sure to meet with them every chance he got. He has truly come out of his shell since he began working them and has worked hard to meet and exceed all expectations. Nicole’s daughter, Pascale, made a brief appearance, reconnecting with runner Sean Brennan and his daughter, Grace. Beautiful and kind, she spends any spare moment she can find studying with the goal of going to college in two years.

This visit truly put this whole run into perspective. While we get an opportunity to really witness and engage with Haitian culture on the run, nothing makes our mission resound so profoundly as getting into Menelas and speaking with the Team Tassy families. I could see how moved everyone was, and I think it will motivate folks through these next challenging couple of days. It’s impossible not to be changed after an experience like this, I’m just grateful to be able to participate.

We need your participation too. Join us at www.crowdrise.com/2017rah

Brody Lynott

Today is finally our rest day. The only rest day the runners and crew members get throughout this whole run and it couldn't come at a better time. The distance we have travelled is starting to show with the runners. Yesterday I jumped out and ran the last 6k of the 32 with Brandy Hagel. At the beginning of this run I tried my best to prepare Brandy mentally for the war that this run was going to be. I tried to relate to the best of my ability and compare it to things I had to endure mentally and physically through my hockey career. All the injuries guys play through when they are in playoffs, and the kind of character and toughness that takes. But yesterday I realized something as I was running along side Brandy. She could barely breathe, and with every single exhale she was grunting and groaning. I’ve never seen a person intentionally put themselves through that much pain, and she wouldn't stop, for anything. In hockey guys deal with all kinds of pain, but in short burst. They don't run for hours on end, in the same stride that created the pain in the first place. It was in that moment that I realized just how strong she is, and that her mental strength will never hold her back from accomplishing anything.

We have spent the last two days at Wahoo Bay resort. This place is absolutely amazing and really shows how much potential there is for Haiti to be a vacation destination. This morning may have been my favourite experience of this whole trip. We spent the morning in the town of Menelas. It's a small area outside of Port Au Prince, and this is where Team Tassy's families live. It's a very unknown area to most groups who come to help, and an area that was left devastated after the earthquake and hurricane. It was so great to see where everyone's donations are going and to see first hand the impact that Team Tassy is making. We got to spend time with each family that is employed through Team Tassy and see the how it has improved their lives drastically. We also spent time in one of the most impoverished places in all of Haiti, Molea. Molea is a community that lives within the landfills outside Port Au Prince. Kids are born and raised in this landfill and don't know anything other than sifting through garbage. It's nearly impossible for anyone in this area to earn enough money to get out of this severity of poverty and this is where Team Tassy gets involved. They are currently in the process of establishing jobs for people in this community to collect bottles in the landfill to be used in fabrics that we wear in our everyday clothing. There are some big ideas in the making with some major companies, but there will be more on that another day.

2/24/17 - Day 7

Sara Mallie

One of my favorite checkpoint moments was during the wee hours of the morning on Day 4, leaving Gonaives en route to St Marc. We were traveling through farm country full of livestock (mostly goats) and rice paddies. It was still pitch dark - approximately 4:30 or 5:00 am, and we pulled over to set up the 20k checkpoint. Within seconds, people came out of the darkness, walked up to our truck and started putting buckets and miscellaneous packages in the back next to our coolers and water bottles. Perplexed and slightly concerned, we hopped out with our headlamps to check out the situation, with Nicole translating. Turns out we had managed to place our 20k checkpoint directly in a popular Tap Tap stop for shuttling people, goats, more goats, and other livestock to the market. The market-bound sellers had mistook our large 4x4 truck for the large open truck-like taxi. We were able to move a bit to give them space, but the space was definitely bustling all morning with market-goers and the checkpoint was never dull.

Julie Noblick

In a few hours, we’ll be taking off at midnight for the final leg of our 230 mile journey across Haiti. It’s been an exhausting week (and I’m not even running!), but I’m going to be really sad to leave this incredible group of runners and crew. It takes a special kind of person to want to sign up for something so crazy as running across the entire length of Haiti, but even more so one to not let the blinding sun and choking exhaust fumes get you down while you dodge tap-taps and all manner of farm animals. I’ve watched these runners crack jokes while getting their toenails drilled and the crew make each other laugh while pulling a truck out of a ditch (again).

This week has been a week of firsts for me. I learned how to speak Canadian (it’s a very nuanced, apologetic language) and that Canadians think they invented hats (though they pronounce them ‘touques’). I rode on my first pirate ship and took my first picture containing both a drone and a donkey. I’ve learned that man cannot survive on Prestige alone (a delicious Haitian beer)… but that woman can. I also heard my first Haitian joke, which I still don’t understand, but things just tend to be funnier when the alarm to start the day goes off at 2:30am. Finally, I’ve perfected the art of the silent cheer after realizing that we’d set up a checkpoint for runners outside of a church that was holding a funeral.

Josette (Haitian Crew Member)

Hello to everyone from Team Tassy. I feel so lucky that I am participating in the race for the first time. I am so pleased that I can be useful during this race, that I can spend time with everyone and be part of this beautiful journey.

First, I say ‘mesi’ to Team Tassy for including me in the run. I also want to tell the team good job, it takes a lot of courage to run to the finish and I will try my hardest to aid the runners during their hard work, just as Team Tassy has done for me.

I trained a lot and learned about checkpoints and what runners need. I learned a few English phrases like, “Do you need water?” “Do you need Electrolytes?” “Are you feeling ok?” I learned many other things about how the support crew can be helpful to the runners.

I have also seen many new things. This is my first time at such a nice hotel in the countryside, seeing my beautiful country. So many beautiful sights! I’ve never sat down to eat with so many people, especially foreigners. They are very friendly and make me feel at ease, I appreciate that. I really enjoy spending time with everyone, especially Quinn and Justin. I love them very much!

I can never say ‘thank you’ enough to Team Tassy, for all that you have brought into my life. Thanks so very much, Team Tassy.

Nicole (Haitian Crew Member)

I worked during 10 days in RAH throughout Haiti. For me it was a big experience of all my life that I would love sharing with you.

It was a group of foreigners who came from different countries and cities, voluntarily, who want to do this huge run where they will start at Cap Haitien to end at Jacmel to help Team Tassy fundraise money for me and the poor families in Haiti.

For the first day, the travel was long for me because I don't get used to this kind of trip. Getting at Cap Haitien, precisely at Rival Hotel, the space make me completely forgot about the long route. By waiting for the runners and staff coming, I visited the hotel which was really nice. We welcomed the runners and staff with a lot of joy. At night we ate dinner together and everyone presented themselves by saying something. After that we went to bed to get some sleep for waking up at 3:30 in the morning: doing preparation for our runners, and begin the run at 5 am from Cap Haitian to Plaisance. It was like that everyday except for the last day of the run and some days we avoided the hot for our runners and staff.

We stayed in some nice places like: National school at Plaisance, Village Ennery, Amiral Killick, Wahoo Bay, Eucalyptus, and Cap Lamandou. I always shared the same room with Josette, she's so nice, I love her so much. She's so comprehensive and lovely. After work, everyday we had fun, specially for the rest day at Wahoo Bay Beach, we had a lot of fun, it was incredible and this is unbelievable.

I also had a bad moment when we visited families who are living in Truitier, we met some people who are living in a really bad conditions, inhumane, I cried in this day. It was my first time visiting an area like this, even me in my poor ways, I thought I should help them. So, I hope and pray to God that Team Tassy gets more means, to increase the list of his family in Haiti so that he could provide funds to these people in this area or elsewhere. I would also love that our sponsors help this organization without worries because Team Tassy is doing a really great job in this community.

Finally, it was great for me, the last day that appears like the dangerous; hard one for me, but I finally understood why we went out at this time to avoid getting hot in the sun and to finish it as quick as possible. I have nothing to reproach, I just to suggest that our runners wear comfortable sneakers and socks next time for some of them, and need more prudence from the runners to avoid motors' accident for next year

I am so thankful toward the teachers: Escane, Jules and the leading staff of the Run Across Haiti, Vivien, Owen, Sasha, Christina, and also the runners and crew members. I am so happy having a chance working with you.

Be sure that you will see me next year, bye and May God bless you all!

Giordani (Haitian Crew Member)

For me the run was really awesome and it was part of my best experience in my life. I am happy because I was one of the crew members during the RAH.

I think it was the best experience I have ever made before because I had the opportunity to know all of the marvelous space I have in my country. My pleasure was to know all of these beautiful faces, and the best moment I had was the way those in my crew welcomed me, the way they reacted towards me and share their stories with me.

I would like to improve in English so that I could have more communication with those who will be in my group next year,and would love learning English again this year for getting prepare for this big adventure

I was very happy because we didn't have anything wrong during the run, everything was OK, I felt like I was with my family, enjoying all of the great moment together. This run means a lot for me, I made a lot of friends there, I went to the beach and made a lot of experiences. I will be happy if ever I had the opportunity to be there again next year for being able to see all of these friends and share my thoughts with them again. Thanks a lot Team Tassy, and wish you a good year my friends. Miss you a lot!

Donate to the Support Crew here!

#run across haiti #whywerun #charity #haiti #donate

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kristinhelgamagnusdottir · 6 years

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My first week in India !

So, I’ve packed all my stuff into a locket closet in Manhattan, said goodbye to the rooftop bars and have arrived in Bangalore, India !

I live on the campus of Infosys in Bangalore, and it’s like living in a botanical garden, this is my home (and office) garden for the next 10 weeks:

I arrived on a Saturday morning (super jet lagged since it’s 9.5 hour time difference), 2. June 2018, and spent the Saturday wandering around campus and admiring this place. The weather here is perfect (had heard horror stories about the heat in India and the monsoon rain season). It rains usually in the evenings but the days are beautiful and very nice to sit outside.

In the afternoon I found another intern wandering around, so we wandered together and found all the activities inside the campus. We went bowling, but there is also a swimming pool, tennis courts, badminton courts, ping pong, billiard and other activities.

Then I was added to a Whatsapp group for interns and after falling asleep at 5pm on Saturday (and waking up at 1am on Sunday) I joined a few interns (who had been here for 2 weeks) for a walk around the campus and inside the city.

We live in a area in Bangalore called Electronic City. We took a walk outside of outside of campus and, well... pictures say more than a thousand words. We also took a cab to the city and walked around Cubbon park and around the shopping area there.

The first thing you will notice in Bangalore is the traffic. There are cars and motorbikes everywhere and there seems to be no order, everybody honks constantly and I’m sure all the people on the motorbikes must have some kind of a death wish.

The second thing that comes to mind is my favorite: wild cows ! Everywhere you can find wild cows, just roaming around, hanging out, eating trash, chillin’ at the middle of heavy traffic road and blocking all traffic. Super calm. They are adorable. (There are also a lot of wild dogs which are not as adorable and we saw a wild goat standing on a motor cycle, I’m still sad I didn’t get a picture of that)

As you may know, cows are holy in hinduism. So the cows just get to hang out wherever.

The third thing you will notice is the cutest thing - the head nod. Indians nod their head to the left and right. First I thought it was super confusing since this nod can mean around 100 different things. Usually it means yes. Sometimes it means maybe. I’m still getting confused and just hoping that I’m guessing the meaning correctly.

Enough of that for now...

On Monday it was first day of work. So now I can cover what I’m doing here :)

The first day was not exactly workday, but an induction day. We had a tour around campus and then lectures about the program and the company. We also had to go do more administrative work like opening a bank account, getting a sim card, laptop etc.

But after the day everything was set up !

On Tuesday I met my co-mentor. My actual mentor is located in Bhubaneswar in the east of India, but his coworker is more than ready to help me with anything. We talked about the project and I saw my office and the next few days at the office I spent looking at what the intern from last year had been coding. I wish I could show you photos from my office but it is forbidden.

That same evening I took a 2 hour taxi to the city (only 20 km but the traffic here is insane during rush hour) with three other interns - to go to the movies and see a Bollywood movie! I watched a few Bollywood movies before I came here but I was excited to experience it in a movie theatre.

A few things are different from the movie theaters back home:

1. You walk through a metal gate and body search - the purpose is not only for weapons but to find the candy you thought you could smuggle in! The girls had bought doughnuts to take home after the movies, but had to eat it by the entrance of the movie theatre because the doughnuts were not allowed in.

2. Before the movie starts, guests are asked to stand up from their seats while India’s national anthem is played.

3. In the case that there is any scene where someone smokes a cigarette in the movie, then you will see a horribly scary clip of cancer before the movie starts (and during the smoking scene there will be a big text in the corner saying that smoking kills).

But the movie was good (although I was still so jet lagged that I slept through most of it). I can’t wait to learn some Bollywood dances.

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khmagnusdottir-blog · 6 years

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My first week in India !

So, I’ve packed all my stuff into a locket closet in Manhattan, said goodbye to the rooftop bars and have arrived in Bangalore, India !

(hmm I can’t control the size of the photos on this blog so I guess you just have to see huge photos)

So this is gonna be my new home for the next 10 weeks:

(Still can’t believe I live in a hotel room, it’s gonna be hard to go back to cleaning my room after this, and yeah I get two beds woho)

But the best thing about my new home is my garden. (Ok, maybe not “my garden” but eyhh...)

I live on the campus of Infosys in Bangalore, and it’s like living in a botanical garden !

So I arrived on a Saturday morning (super jet lagged since it’s 9.5 hour time difference), 2. June 2018, and spent the Saturday wandering around campus and admiring this place. The weather here is perfect (had heard horror stories about the heat in India and the monsoon rain season). It rains usually in the evenings but the days are beautiful and very nice to sit outside.

In the afternoon I found another lost intern wandering, so we wandered together and found all the activities inside the campus. We went bowling, but there is also a swimming pool, tennis courts, badminton courts, ping pong, billiard and other activities.

Another thing you will notice is that if you go to the park or somewhere outside of the main business area, you will feel like a celebrity.

At one point in the park, after we agreed to one picture, we had a group of 10 people all taking selfies with us at once and a line forming to get photos.

The third thing that comes to mind is my favorite: wild cows ! Everywhere you can find wild cows, just roaming around, hanging out, eating trash, chillin’ at the middle of heavy traffic road and blocking all traffic. Super calm. They are adorable. (There are also a lot of wild dogs which are not as adorable and we saw a wild goat standing on a motor cycle, I’m still sad I didn’t get a picture of that)

As you may know, then cows are holy in hinduism. So the cows just get to hang out wherever.

This guy was just taking out the trash, no problem:

Enough of that for now...

On Monday it was first day of work. So now I can cover what I’m doing here :)

I’m doing a internship at one of the major Indian tech companies, Infosys. The program is called Instep and my internship is 10 weeks. My project is on “Internet of Me” where I will be a full stack developer creating a recommendation system. I will probably go more into the details in another blog (also the project is still being defined in details so I don’t want to say too much).

But after the day everything was set up !

A few things are different from the movie theaters back home:

2. Before the movie starts, guests are asked to stand up from their seats while India’s national anthem is played.

But the movie was good (although I was still so jet lagged that I slept through most of it). I can’t wait to learn some Bollywood dances.

Back to the work culture, then the first thing I noticed at my office was that the guy sitting next to me kept on taking all his phone calls on speaker from his desk phone. I looked around me, saw that no one minded and thought to myself why no one said anything since I found this super interrupting for everyone around... quickly I learned that this is what everyone does. People are working in remote teams and spend a lot of time on the phone, and then this seems to be the best way (I still vote for headsets though).

One of my favorite thing (at least the cutest thing) about the culture is the way Indians nod their head to the left and right. First I thought it was super confusing since this nod can mean around 100 different things. Usually it means yes. Sometimes it means maybe. I’m still getting confused and just hoping that I’m guessing the meaning correctly.

-----

I told one of the coordinators of the internship program that I was interested in hiking, and he recommended a hiking company called Plan the Unplanned. I contacted them on Thursday and got the last spot on the Kudremukh Trek over the weekend.

What a great decision.

We left at 5am on Saturday to go to Kudremukh, which is around 8 hours drive away from Bangalore. I was the only non-Indian on the hike but everyone were super thoughtful and always making sure that I was fitting in and understanding the culture haha. I was super lucky.

The bus trip started with introductions, icebreakers and Indian dance party (at that time I wondered what I had signed up for)

I learned how to eat rice with my hands

When we finally got to Kudremukh we hiked up to a waterfall there in the monsoon rain

Then we went to our accommodation, a homestay where we had to save the electricity (only lights when going to the toilet) and the hot water for the shower was scarce.

These were our beds for the night:

I must say this reminded me of my trips with the Icelandic Rescue team when I was in training there, but this was a more luxurious version of that. I honestly enjoy this simpleness at times, it makes you really appreciate warm soft bed, clean, dry clothes and showers.

My most confused moment in this trip was this evening when it was my turn to get the shower. I walk in - and there is no shower. Only this bucket in the middle of the restroom:

With a little help from my new friends on the trip I learned that this is the way to shower in India. You fill up the big bucket with water, and then use the cup to pour over yourself. It was really not bad. (But not saying I would love to switch my shower for a bucket).

We had home cooked Indian meals (yeah I could have had a very bad stomach on the hike, but I took my chances and had amazing food).

We played games, shared experiences and had a very nice night.

The next day we woke up again at 5am and went out to the monsoon rain to start the real trek.

The total hike is around 20 km. This photo is taken at the first milestone (of many), next to the peace tree:

By that time I was already wet through each and every garment. The rain was just like a regular shower and the hike took around hours. I’ve never been as wet in my life.

We crossed countless rivers

And the scenery was breathtaking

And finally we reached the top !

This rain is no joke. Most of the time we were walking in a river.

Which also lead to a bigger problem - leeches !

There were leeches everywhere... people had tens of them on their legs, some on their neck, stomach and even the face. That was probably the least favorite part haha. I’ve never seen a leech before and now I’ve seen enough for a lifetime. No pictures of that because some people were really traumatized and it wasn’t exactly the photo time...

In stead I’ll post a pic of one leach we saw crawling in our bedroom on the Saturday morning, fat and happy after a good night with us in our beds :)

We arrived back in Bangalore at 4am on Monday after an authentic experience with a bus in India... no seat belts and the roads are super bumpy. I flew out of my seat completely to the floor 3 times wohooo...

Now I’m excited for next week, there is a 3 day weekend and I’m going on a trip to Jaipur, Agra (to see Taj Mahal) and Delhi. Also next week I’ll write more about my work and the work culture.

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hellosophrosyne · 6 years

Text

2017 recap

6/2/2018

Fun fact: I used to be very active and present with myself in the sense that I would journal quite often on a blog. My form of therapy. And one of my absolute faaavorite things to do in the beginning of each year was to recap each month of the year that had just past just so I would always remember what the heck I got myself into someday when I’m old and trying to remember my life.

I haven’t done a recap in YEARS, but I still kept my makeshift calendar/planner that I used in 2017, even though it’s already halfway through 2018 already. I think I kept it so I could try and recap it on here sometime when I could... & I guess that time is now, so...

(it’s currently 2AM, I just said goodnight to you on ftime, so here i gooo)

JANUARY

January looks like it was a boring month by the look of how little I wrote on here. I think I was depressed still. From failing my boards in October 2016. I had rescheduled my retake for the NCLEX on February 8, 2017. All I have written down is checkboxes of “150″ as a reminder that I should do at least 150 practice questions before going to sleep. But whoa, looks like I happened to go to my little’s installs this month too. Feels like that was ages ago. I can’t believe my old ass actually crossed a little sis even though it was years later. It’s too bad the chapter died, and I wish we were closer. Our age gap plays a big factor, but I’m glad I met someone like her.

FEBRUARY

February 8th- I retook the NCLEX. Most stressful day ever. Thank god I actually have a youtube video commemorating that entire day. I remember eating lunch with Sarah after and just crying because I did the hack into the site to see if I could get the results early and it looked as if I actually passed. Even though it was still uncertain, I had some peace of mind.. and found out I officially passed 2 days later at 6AM when my mom came barging in to show me my name on the official boards website. I remember I was sooo into yoga during this month. I thought it really helped. I was gaining all this flexibility, finding a sense of peace within my body partnered with daily practicing of meditation. Like damn, I need to incorporate that kinda stuff in my life right NOW. I went to Bear Valley to check out the snow. Got to ride in my first snow mobile kinda thing... I would totally do it again. I tried AcroYoga with Jessy, first and only time. I kinda wanna try another class again. I got invited by an old high school friend to go see the FIreFall at Yosemite. Such a crazy experience, getting to wait around with hundreds of photographers just for one opportune moment where the waterfall looked like it caught fire just for 3 minutes. At this time too, I was heading to SF a lot to have dinner with everyone I could. Still working at the job that I hated, training to be supervisor. I think this was the month they tried to screw me over too, trying to make me do things I was never trained to do.

MARCH

My 23rd birthday month. This month felt freeing. I started applying to anywhere and everywhere. Had dinner with Freda (my therapist friend) (i have to document whenever I see her because i feel like i never see her), started planning my Havasupai trip with the girls (Jessy, Veronica, Britney, Sherry, Amanda). Getting fitted for backpacking backpacks, buying backpacking gear... SHIT BE EXPEEENSIVE. For my birthday weekend, me, Jessy and Veronica headed to LA and got to spend the entire time just being gluttonous, going to disneyland, being housed by Johnny Ta. Never felt so carefreee and wreckless with my money. and whoa, I just remembered now.. i was STILL vegan at this time! We went to this $$$ vegan sushi place.. had vegan take out.. dude my friends are so cool to have gone through 2 years of dealing with my lifestyle choices hahaha.

APRIL

I started my BSN online school this month. Had 2 interviews and got both jobs. Got the job at DMC and right after I got the OK that I got accepted, I QUIT THAT B-ass job and vowed to go a little bit crazy and treat myself to 4 months of doing whatever the F I wanted (they told me my start date would be in July). It was Tien’s birthday, and he wanted to go to Pismo so we did. He rented out this hugeass house and we had a house full of 20 people but somehow we all still had beds. Me and veronica sand dune buggied for the first time and stayed safe while everyone else was being wreckless AF. Went to Fresno for my baby niece’s birthday. Hiked mission peak. Went to Hometown heroes for the first time. Went to the outlets with Jayne. And wtf.. it says here on my calendar I went to Vegas??? Wuuut. With who LOL.

---- ok so i had to reupload snapchat to my phone just to see if I had documented it in any way. AND I DID. This vegas trip was supposed to be celebrating one of the newer girls’ birthdays, but me, kat, and tiahs flight got delayed for days so we ended up going to that club. The club where I saw YOU for the first time in 5ever and realized that hey, you are one cutie. But I didn’t think much of it then, just that I remembered you were the first guy I recognized as cute for the first time in what seemed like forever at that time. So long since I had found anyone cute that it was something I HAD to document and tell my girlfriends about because it had felt like such a huge milestone. That I was finding some attraction to someone physically for the first time in years. Maybe that’s why I was so drawn to you in the first place, when I saw your snapchat pop up just a few weeks later. (but too bad you didn’t feel the same about meeee that night lololol)

MAY

What a fun month. My big bro took me to True food Kitchen where we had the BEST vegan flan, it was insane. We have to try it if we ever go. I went to Utah/Arizona with my parents for 2 weeks. Saw the ‘seven magic mtns’ in vegas, went to see a LOT of red rock, hiked my first water hike into a canyon (kanarraville falls), went 4wheel driving into a desolute absolute no service area to a place called White Pocket which was absolutely beautiful. Saw horseshoe bend, went to grand staircase-escalante for the coolest canyon hike I’ve ever attempted where you have to squeeze through the small canyon walls (remind me to show my snap story from this day to you someday), hiked to see waterfalls. Damn looking back.. I was pretty active this month. In just one week after coming back from Utah, only had to head out again to Havasupai with the girls. We flew into vegas, got our rental van, drove it to Arizona, slept in the van (but i couldn’t). Woke up at 3-4am to start our hike into the Indian reservation. Made it to the campsite at noon (after taking a faaatass 3 hr break at the village). Saw the most beautiful waterfalls I’ve ever seen in my life. Hiked back, drove to horse shoe bend, saw antelope canyon, then trekked it back to vegas to have the most amazing “last hoorah” if you may call it that. Because not only was it my last trip in vegas to document to this day, but it was the best because it was 100% free and we had complimentary tables and bottle service the entire damn weekend. It was also the time your name finally popped up on my snap. I added you, but you never got to see my last day in vegas snaps go through LOL. Good thing though, you woulda just seen a bunch of bad singing to loud alesso songs. Straight after this weekend, I had Lemonade for the first time with Arielle (what an expensive ass place LOL). Jeez what a jam packed month. I can’t believe that was literally just a year ago.

JUNE

~~~~ exciting things start to happen

June was the month when we started texting. I planned my whole solo LA trip to see the Kingdom Hearts Orchestra, and I remember I was texting you the entire time. JUNE 17 [i marked it in my calender] was our first lunch/ idk date at the korean place. Ugh so crazy, it’s SO SO crazy that here I am writing this post on June 2, 2018, when our first real interaction was just 11 months and 2 weeks ago. Time flies. What a successful first meal together. I remember being so nervous because I didn’t want to scare you off by the fact that I didn’t eat meat and that I was barely starting to eat fish again (in preparation for Hawaii). We had the most amazing lunch partnered with no phones, just plain conversation. It was seriously just so nice. and so innocent. I knew at that moment that I was in dangerous waters, feeling so attracted to you and not knowing how to deal with these new emotions I haven’t felt in so long. But I was accepting and ready for whatever was to come.

I ended up going to Hawaii for 2 weeks (Kauai|Oahu). We were playing loads of phone tag here. I feel like both of us were drinking, trying to build up liquid courage and give us a reason to talk late at night on the phone. I remember you texted me once this month too something like “so why doesn’t someone like you have a boyfriend?” :p Ugh, it makes me smile just thinking of how we were when we were just barely starting.

JULY

I went to my classmate Sarah’s wedding. I think at this time I was already smitten by you and our random phone calls here and there. JULY 11 ~~ (again written on my planner) was our ICHI date. I personally didn’t know what to expect from this, if it was a date or not. When you put your arm around me when walking to that ice cream place (smitten?), to us awkwardly trying to cozy up at your house watching those movies. Me being an alcoholic just tryna BRING SOME LIQUID COURAGE into our lives. HAHA do you remember how you wouldn’t kiss me after I *ahem*? Ohhhhh how times have changed.

Because of how well this date went, (and how we both knew you were leaving so soon already to socal), we halfhazardly made a new date on July 15, to go to Land’s End. I remember all I wanted to do was just see you again. Confirm if that night was just a fluke or if there really was something there. I didn’t plan to stay that night..... but I did. And there we went, kissing for hours and hours until I had to go. (can you believe I went to 6flags the following day, i was fucking crazy man). You officially moved to Anaheim shortly after this... I wasn’t sure when the next time I would see you next (IF I would even see you again). But I’m so sosooo happy we remained in contact, probably even stronger than ever, with late night calls, constant texting. I went to the John Mayer concert with my big bro at the end of this month and I remember I just could not stop talking about you or to Johnny Ta about you (since he came up for the concert as well). I was soooooo sprung (i still am soooo sprung babe). Talking with you was so exciting. I feel like my personality had been brightening up with each passing day we got to know each other more.

AUGUST

I don’t know how it happened, but I decided I was going to drive to see you that one fateful weekend (August 12-15). I had already started my job just 2 weeks prior, but already I wanted to drive down to see this guy I went on 3 dates with? Ugh. I am SO glad I did. I remember feeling so uncertain if things were gonna pick up from where they left off.. if things were going to be awkward.. if we were going to be “fuckbuddies” or something more. I needed moral support, so I made plans to see Veronica that first day I came. We ate at EMC, went to the OC fair, then headed to the packing house to drink a little at kettle bar. Met up with Blake and then you finally showed up and man, what. a. whirlwind. of a night. Headsup, drinking, lots of snowboarding, you attacking my neck/face while I was trying to brush my teeth... I remember specificially at THIS moment, I felt like we were already SO comfortable with each other. Everything just flowed so easily. From the way we kissed, to the way we brushed teeth next to each other, from the way we slept together (for the first time), to the way we cuddled in bed. It felt SO natural for me. (I wonder how it felt for you). I felt like it was such a big deal too... everyoneeee knew my business at this time. I feel like every single one of my friends became such huge supporters of me “putting myself out there” after I had been solitary and avoiding all men for so long. I had created such a persona for myself that even blake and veronica the following morning thought that we didn’t even do it. Which was fine with me (although down there I was a little bit dying already. felt like I had lost my vcard all over again tbh). Waited for you to get off, and you took me to Tanakaya for the first time. Then we headed to the 626 night market. Went home and drank whooo knows what that night that we had to go get pho the following morning and brodards to top it all off. Remember waiting in line for hours for that .86 cent coffee? We ended up taking a nap then going to Laguna Beach before deciding to go to Kang Hodong for the vurry first time. Damn, all these lowkey traditions were formed just from this first weekend together, now that I’m reflecting on it all. The next day was when I had to leave... we had tanakaya (AGAIN), then I had to head back home :’(. And I remember feeling so... sad. I realized I felt so so excited and full of happiness being with you.

But crazy enough, you came to visit me in Modesto literally less than a week later. I was wearing my Burgundy scrubs, we went to get Crown Royal.. I’m sure you remember how the rest of night goes. Damn we were all up on that yayyy this whole beginning of our relationship LOL.

Then literally 5 days later on August 25, I came to see you in SJ, got hyped up on too much black coffee, watched HIMYM, met your parents, ate at sushi confidential.. We already seemed to have done so much in so little time, but I wasn’t complaining. Even though we werent official, or even had the talk of wondering what we were, all I knew is that I just needed to keep seeing you, and I didn’t care how.

SEPTEMBER

SEPTEMBER 3 ~~ aka labor day weekend, another 4 days I had off work. I had Guads for the first time! Chilaquiles. I think this weekend was when I literally had to study for my EKG test. I tried 1/2 of my first sweetbird sandwich. Went to that one vietnamese place MY’s kitchen with Hieu, David, and Michael. Had my first Michelada and was like whoooa, this beer is meant for my taste buds.

I tried out the wine bar here in modesto based off Yosemite with Cassandra. Such a cute place, I would totally take you here someday.

This was a pretty jam packed month at work for me. I had tons of tests going on and all I wanted to do was be finished with it because I wanted to see you again.

SEPTEMBER 29 ~ I flew down to SD to get picked up by veronica to head to LA. We were housed again by Johnny Ta after we hiked up this “wisdom tree trail” and saw the psychic who told me that me and you are soulmates. Even though I knew I was taking this time to bond with my friends, you were the only thing that consumed my mind. I just wanted to talk to you, be with you, call you to hear your voice.

OCTOBER

OCTOBER 1-3 ~~ Veronica drove me to fatty tuna and you ENTRUSTED ME WITH YOUR CAR for the first time. The next day, we tried Meiji Seimen before going to the Botanical Gardens and going to Newport Beach. Interesting enough, I don’t have many pictures of this weekend... so I can’t remember much of what we did. But this trend of us drinking a lot LOL jeeeezzuhs. This was a very very short trip, but I was so happy I got to see you. EVEN THOUGH I already made plans to see you just a week later.

OCTOBER 8-12 ~ we went to Sun Non Dang with Drew and Wonnie(?) for that galbi jim that i wanna try ohhhh so bad again. After, we went to Puzzle Bar where I met Kevin. This was a weekend where you were starting to work a lot a lot at sweetbird so we really didn’t have too much time together. It was also when that huge fire happened in the hills that caused that apocolyptic looking sky when I went to have orange roll sushi during one of your lunch breaks. (we went to try out that indian place the next day too and tanakaya for dinner). Although we didn’t get to spend a real day together this trip, it really was everything to be there for you to come home to. We WERENT EVEN OFFICIAL HERE YET, but I felt like we had something real.

OCTOBER 20 <33333 ~ was our planned staycation in san mateo. the time where you slept in through your alarms and missed your morning flight :p. We had brunch with your mom, headed to burlingame, went to eat at b street & vine, and i asked you out with a card I made. #makinmoves

This day was fulll of wonddderrrrful lovemakin, ugh. The couch...the table..the king sized bed... the blackout curtains. We had shabu before I had to say goodbye :(

NOVEMBER

My calender says I visited you Nov 1-6, but I don’t have any recollection of what we did :c. Maybe someday I’ll go through my harddrive and try to find out...

I went to Napa with Jessy this mid November! We had the BEST pasta I’ve ever had in my life (MUST TAKE YOU), so much wine. i trimmed my hair for the first time in 3 years. I randomly got my car November 17 out of necessity from my truck tires being unreliable.

I went to visit you Nov 19-22 (again another trip I don’t have any pics from rn...) and we flew back together Wednesday morning! I think this is when I watched stranger things season 2 at your parents house, we went out with the guys, and the next morning was thanksgiving (when I had to work) and we had that amaaazing *** in the bathroom hehe. Right before eating at that vietnamese hotpot place. I had to say goodbye to you yet again... i sang to you that eric bellinger song (what you want). I knew I was going to see you literally a week later, so I was excited. Just had to work 5 days and I knew I would be with you again.

DECEMBER

This was my first 8 day trip visiting you and it was JAM. PACKED. This was when we made an LA trip to go see Museum of Ice cream, LACMA, went to the counter for the beyond burger. The fail to see the sunset at griffith observatory. Disneyland with Jayne/JJ, Anny and her boo. The day after disneyland, you had work until dinnertime where we went to NANA SAN, and had omakase with jj and jayne. Again, I think Im gonna have to go through my harddrive and see what other pictures I may possibly have to remind me more about this weekend, but it’s all a little bit hazy for me right now.

Jessy’s bday was this month. Ate at her workplace Kokkari, saw the christmas tree at union square.

I went to visit you Dec 17-20, you gifted me the calpak that I use now everyyyyytime I travel thank you baby. We also ate at sushi confidential with Vanessa. (THIS WAS ALSO THE TIME I WAS STARTING TO GET SICK AND I WAS SICK THAT ENTIRE DAY CUS OF THOSE HOT CHEETO CURDS)

I worked for days in a row but had christmas off, which was when I came to visit you and your family. Had dinner at your aunt/uncles place. The next day you made ratatouile and we had taco night at your house. And boy was I sick.... This was probably the fastest sickness I had ever experienced surprisingly. Typically, I will cough for weeks... but idk, maybe you just took care of me well :)

I then had to say bye to you just for a couple more days before getting to visit you just in time for our first NEW YEARS EVE!

AND THAT, is my 2017 recap. Going through it now, I can only see how much of an impact you have had in my life right from the very very start when we first “met.” I am so happy to have met you and I can’t believe how lucky I am to be cared for and loved by somebody so amazing as you.

I have so much more to say, and so much more love to give, but i started writing this at 2, and it is now 350AM, T__T.

I am gonna try to head to sleep now, I can’t wait to hear your voice in the morning. I LOVE YOU OTTER. You’re seriously the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

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thelastpaigeever-blog · 7 years

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2018 will be the best year of my life.

This year has broke me. My life was turned upside down and I had no idea how to handle that. (I still don’t, but I’m learning.) I’ve made mistakes, I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I let people get the better of me.

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Although my parents have accepted me home with open arms I feel as if I don’t have a permanent address, I’m facing redundancy and most likely won’t have a job this time next month, my heart is still shattered, I lost a loved one, watched others lose loved ones and battling depression is harder than I ever imagined. But here’s how I see it; I have the best friends and family imaginable, a roof over my head and not just one but several. Redundancy will allow me to clear my debts and start fresh. My heart may be broken now but I believe everything happens for a reason and that sometimes things happen to you that you don’t deserve, but only to make way for better things that are more deserving of you. Losing a loved one has taught me life is short and to love hard. As for the depression, it has lead me to meet some of the most amazing people in my life. I know who my real friends are, its brought me closer to my family and loved ones, its also teaching me plenty about myself, who I am and who I want to be.

I don’t want to recap this year. I want to forget about it, wipe it clean and move on. However there are a few people who I really want to thank for standing by me and helping me overcome the darkest of days. If I don’t mention you by name please don’t be upset, there have been so many incredible people which have came into my life this year but without these few I honestly don’t know where I would be, (P.s It’s about to get soppy)!

Most obviously; Mum, Dad, Uncle Kev, Ali G, Lucas and Georgia. I truly am blessed to have such an adoring and supportive family. I know I must drive you all crazy and my tantrums and tears must have caused a few disagreements but I love you all so much and I’m so lucky to have you all.

Kieran (aka Kiki) – My bestfriend in the entire world. Not many people put up with the amount of shit from me that you do! The highs and lows, the insane impulsive decisions, last minute road trips for no other reason than me wanting to go, the tears (and amount of white t-shirts I’ve ruined over the last 12 years) the hours of pointless or confusing conversations, the 3am help me phone calls, the I need cake with so much chocolate frosting it could cure anything and everything and for never judging me, for always supporting me, helping me through every problem I face and for never leaving me when I really need you. I am one of the luckiest girls alive to have a best friend like you.

Kay (aka Kaywee) = The girlie friend I always dreamt of growing up. I’ve never had many friends that are girls. I always found it hard to trust them or find things in common because I was so used to being with the boys. I used to watch the chic flicks and feel a little deflated that I didn’t have that special girlie bond with anyone, then you came along. You annoyed the shit out of me. Like a pre-school kid I had to learn to share and I wasn’t best pleased and then, I’ve no idea what happened but you became my rock. You’ve done so much for me this year, you’ve held my hand every step of the way and I will never forget that I owe you a handbag! :’) You have, and are still teaching me so much about what kind of life I should be living and how to be okay on my own, no plans just go with the flow. These last few months have been an epic disaster and without you I would not have made it. I love you and I am so grateful to have you in my life.

Toria, Nancy, Katie and Marie – I’ve known you all for years now but when I do think back over the last year and any good times I’ve had you were all very much a part of that and I hope we have many more to come in 2018 ❤

Jill – Honestly, I don’t know where to start. You encourage me to be a better person. Whenever I face a tricky situation you’re the first person I turn to for advice. You treat me like family and I am honoured to be treated so. Yourself and your family are truly wonderful and I’m so thankful to have met you.

Jake – I won’t say to much but I do want to say thank you. You’ve done so much for me these last few months, been there for me at 2am when I can’t sleep or can’t stop crying. You’ve listened to me try and work out all of my problems (in one go) over and over and over! You’ve drove me to Mccys at 4am because I had a craving for nuggets and ice coffee but most importantly you let me be myself, no judgement, no questions, you just let me be me.

I’ve had so much support this year and I would like to say thank you to everyone who has helped me this year and taken their time to read my posts.

2018 will be the best year of my life.

Back in June I made the below list of things to do in 2017, so here is what I did and didn’t achieve. Those in red I didn’t get around to, but I’m very proud of what I have achieved and done this year. Despite everything I’ve made some amazing memories. I’ll be back in 2018 with my new years resolution(s) and the next to do list!

Go to Coventry Godiva Festival

Go to 2 gigs

Get another tattoo

Take a day trip to the beach

Visit a theme park

Read 10 books! (5)

Lose 2 Stone

Be on the radio

Book a sunny holiday

Dance all night (whilst drunk.. of course!)

Clean out my closet

Karaoke night

Win the Bingo

Play Golf

post 50 blog posts

Go to Astley Book Farm

Jump around at Jump In Leamington

See three new places in England

Get lost somewhere

Go the Belgrade to see something… anything!

Complete a maze

Try a tequila shot

ENJOY MYSELF!

2018 will be the best year of my life.

I will travel, I will write, I will find a job I love, I will party in the sunshine, I will make new friends, I will make the best memories with my best friends, I will help people, I will figure out who I am and I will heal my heart.

So good riddance 2017, thank you for all you have taught me, I will remember these lessons forever and they will help me on my journey to ensure my life is as beautiful as it possibly can be.

I hope you all have the best new year, thank you for joining me on my journey.

Good Riddance 2017 (Time of your life) 2018 will be the best year of my life. This year has broke me. My life was turned upside down and I had no idea how to handle that.

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sramister · 7 years

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Feel free to give some input on this and let me know if I am being disillusion or anything. My aunt is driving me insane okay. Saturday morning wakes me up and goes "Get ready to go. See if your dad will take you to the renaissance fair or something." and I'm just over here like "bruh what?" She basically told me leave for the weekend and see your dad. And I mean, seeing my dad isn't bad or anything It's just a two hour drive that I did not want to make this weekend but was forced to do anyway. And I already had plans with him for the fair, cause we both want to go, so we decided to go in September when it would be a little cooler. But that isn't the point, that wasn’t what pissed me off.

Ight so I go take a shower and get dressed and then she comes into my room and goes, “While you’re at your dad’s place you need to think about if you really want to stay here. You’ve been very disrespectful to my family. I woke up at 4am last night because your tv was going off, you were walking around all night again, you didn’t take out the trash while we were gone, you left the garage light on all night, you keep leaving the house and not turning off your fan and lights, and you still haven’t gone to therapy. Honestly, if you don’t go by the end of the week, you can just leave. I can’t have you around my kids if you’re going to set these bad examples.”

So, first of all, I was asleep and my tv turned off that night, so that’s some made up bull shit. The trash isn’t in the can so like? how did I not take it out? I never went into the garage, so maybe you should ask your kids about that. I leave my fan on cause my room will get hot as fuck if it isn’t and I don’t really want to wait for it to cool down for an hour when I get back from a 45 minute class. And yes, I leave lights on sometimes, but only when I am in a rush or don’t realize they’re on, because I am not the one the turned it on. And bitch? You cannot force me to do therapy, especially on my own damn dime. She expects me to go at least twice a month, which is not bad, but she acts like I need it because I am not functional or I’m crazy or whatever the fuck. Yes, at one point I did need it and I did not get it, but I got through my shit and I do not need it now, but it would benefit me now, due to circumstances not related to why she thinks I NEED it. Honestly, my depression was under control and not such an issue for me for the last few months before I moved in with her, and now It’s back in full swing. What a coincidence.

Okay, but so I left to my dad’s. I did not argue with her statements, I just said “Yeah okay, I will.” and then she left. So I get in the car and call my dad to let him know I am coming up and what the issue is, and he goes “That explains her text message.” The text, word for word is: “Just so you are aware, I told sarah that she needs to decide if she really wants to live here or not over the weekend. She needs to let me know on Sunday when she comes back. She’s treating our house like a hotel, staying in her room all hours, never talking to us, and just being rude and gross not picking up after herself or helping in any way. Her odd hours are negatively impacting my family, so if she wants to stay here, she needs to abide by the rules she and I discussed.”

So, to explain, early August we had a similar situation where I will admit, I was part of the problem. (I’d come home like 30 minutes after curfew without telling her where I was, I would leave the house at random, Never tried to talk to her kids, I would avoid her husband, Didn’t get a job, didn’t do therapy.) So we talked about it, and I agreed to tell her where I was and to make sure I was in before curfew, but, I will not go out of my way to talk to her kids because I hate kids, and I prefer to be alone so I’ll stay in my room and if her kids come to me I’ll socialize. I would talk to her husband more, and I am not getting a job or doing therapy right away because I want to focus on college. We agreed on all of these things, and I have been doing all of this since.

I am not treating her house like a hotel. I am treating it the way she asked me to. The whole line that I am being gross and not picking up after myself/helping out, is made up bull shit. My room is the cleanest room in her whole damn house because I have been working on my organization. I wash the dishes while she is working, take out the trash, and I’ve cleaned her kitchen for her because she left on a trip and there was trash everywhere. I do not want to be in a messy house, I keep the areas I enter clean. You know, the past week (august 21-26) I have been in my room. Doing homework and my weekly readings for classes. Because I am there to go to college. So maybe I haven’t been talking to them as much, but lets keep in mind that they were gone. THEY WERE AT HERSHEY PARK FROM TUESDAY TO THURSDAY NIGHT. I CAN’T TALK TO PEOPLE THAT ARE NOT AROUND. The odd hours comment stems from me going to the bathroom at night or getting water. Her house only has wood flooring so you can hear me walking around, but I stay to the edges to minimize creaking to be considerate. But besides getting water or going to the bathroom, I stay in my room and build puzzles at night.

So, I am following what we agreed too, and she still isn’t happy, and is making the old issues come up again, and creating new issues that are not there/over exaggerating mistakes. Which leads me to think that her initial offer to stay with her for college was not sincere and she never really wanted to help me or my family. Now she regrets it because she never thought I’d take the offer, and is making issues up so that I leave.

And I’ve decided to leave. I had a hard time in high school and I am not trying to repeat that in college. Part of my issue in high school was that my home situation stressed me out and I could not focus on school. well, I am taking control, because I can actually do that now. But I have no where to go at the moment. I am waiting for the family I stayed with for my last months of high school to come back from helping there daughter move in to college so that I can ask them if I can come back. Which sucks because now I have to commute 30+ minutes rather than 15, but damn will it be worth it. And I’ll be back with my friends. But wish me luck, because tonight I am telling her that I am leaving and never want her to extend her help to me again.

#this is mostly to get my thoughts out there #but if you have a comment or anything on it #please let me know

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spellyjane · 7 years

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Splash, Hammer, Meh, Yay! Chatty 70.3 RR

I was heading into Chattanooga 70.3 with no taper and a month after IM Texas. My coach and I fit in a bit of speed work but it has been a bit of an adjustment. They are such different races. I have been in Ironman mode since last September. Sounds like a good excuse for a wussy day right!? It isn’t, I had a cracking day, it just did not play out the way I planned it.

My team mate / mate Alex and I hit the road loaded with bikes, coffee and enthusiasm for the long drive from Chicago to Tennessee. Even with a delicious lunch stop in funky Nashville we made good time and arrived in time for race check in.

I am probably never going to be in charge of booking race accommodation again. The Days Inn was truly hideous, truly. But it was walking distance to the race start, it had a bed and a lamp, so some may say it was perfect.

We met up with my race mate Jeff for dinner at a pub on the main street. He had flown in earlier from Denver and was there on a mission to claim a 70.3 WC slot. We had an early dinner so that Alex could go and pick up his wife Theresa from the airport.

So our weekend gang of Alex, Theresa, Jeff and I assembled for breakfast at the Frothy Monkey next door to the Chattanooga ChooChoo hotel. There was a lot of good eating that went on this weekend. We planned our day and got moving.

A little recon ride showed the worst part of the course, the suburban streets were cracked and potholed but brightly marked with orange tape. It hardly seemed possible while we were sweating buckets at the unsheltered 3pm athlete briefing, but the weather forecast for race day was for thunder storms and a 100% chance of rain. After hearing the few key bits we needed to know, we staggered back to our rooms for a pre dinner rest and heat stroke recovery. I must say, those athlete briefings are important BUT sitting us out in the sun for an hour is counter-intuitive. What a crock of shit that weather forecast turned out to be, but at that stage it was a significant concern for all of us.

As we wandered up the street to meet Jeff at the restaurant he reserved for our pre race dinner, we saw formally attired people coming and going from what was obviously our destination. I was lucky to have had the sense of occasion to add a pair of loafers to my shorts and shirt combo but really that is as fancy as my race travel wardrobe goes. We arrived quite under-dressed but clearly oozing enough confidence and our blue athlete wrist bands to carry it off. No spaghetti and red sauce to be found anywhere on the menu we endured with soup with lobster, sorghum buttered bread and some sort of tree fern sprouts. I have eaten pre race fish tacos in mexico, schnitzel in Austria and quinoa in Calgary and know that this pre race dinner in Chatty will be just as memorable!

As we dined the heavens descended and the forecast epic weather arrived violently. We stared out the window of the restaurant all dreading our trip back to our hotel let alone the race the next day. I don’t mind swimming and running in rain but riding my bike in heavy rain is just plain scary. I was thinking about the numerous man hole covers and the road conditions I had seen earlier that day. All I wanted at that stage was a safe race, to not crash my bike or be struck by lightning. I was committed to racing, after all I had to burn off all the calories I had just consumed!

Before bed I pottered around got all my transition gear into plastic bags and just got myself into rain racing mode. I pictured my whole day wet and soggy but killing it anyway. My husband sent me some words of encouragement and I was in bed by 10, I managed an ok sleep. I was up at 4am to see a dry parking lot and low cloud cover. Whoa, I was immediately elated!

I met Jeff on a dark corner near my hotel and we walked up to the race together. He was his usual quiet pre race self, perhaps a little more so because I know he was really wanting a good race and a slot.

I got myself ready, went and found Alex near his bike, he is a special breed of chilled out, after letting some of his vibe rub off on me, I told him I would see him near the swim start, and I went off to collect Jeff for the shuttle bus to the swim start. He was not as chilled. He was staring at me with scary evil possessed eyes. I was horrified until I figured out it was not actually directed at me but the member of his nemesis tri team who had racked his bike next to Jeff’s.

We caught the bus to the swim start, and wandered down to the sub 30 min swim time area. (I was anticipating a sub 30 min swim given the river current.) Alex found us and we chatted away nervously while we waited. Actually I chatted away… Still no sign of rain but the deluge the night before had an impact on the current in the river. They had sent the pros off on the original course, swimming 300m up stream, turning, swimming 100m across then the remaining 1600m downstream. But it was evident that the current was too strong for us mortal age groupers so to the cheers and hurrahs of the crowd around me, they cut the up stream portion. I wasnt saying boo, but I certainly was not thrilled to be doing the short swim. So without the upstream portion we just had a mad 1300m sprint downstream. I got that into my head straight away. Don’t hold back I thought, just get in and go hard.

The rolling start works well when people self seed properly. But oh man of course they don’t. I started with Jeff, Alex putting himself a few mins back waved us off as we stepped over the timing mats and took off. I lost Jeff within a minute. I was pushing. I was breathing every other stroke for most of the way. I was swimming over the top of a lot of people.

I found the step and hauled myself up and headed off to the wet suit strippers. I made the climb up the steep ramp into T1 to Theresa’s cheers. I donned my gear and headed out. Jeff teased me about not wearing bike shoes in transition as he caught me just before the bike mount line, dammit, he may just have a point. Anyway we took off within seconds of each other but he was out of my sight very quickly.

I was feeling super. My plan was to hit watts that would give me an IF of about .82-.83 (Intensity factor, a fraction of normalised power over my functional threshold power, I am talking about dosing my effort based on my known maximum average watts for a 1hr effort, or something like that) The problem was that the rolling hills on the course were causing a lot of bunching. In order to keep clear of other riders and avoid drafting I was pushing up the hills and when ever I found myself caught up in any bunches. I was finding that as I was coming into the back of a slower rider’s draft zone and beginning to over take that another rider would come up into my draft zone to overtake me, but then we would hit a hill and everyone would slow down, I could tell who the hell was overtaking who, it was a nightmare, in the end I just felt the best thing to do was to get well away of it all. I channeled my Team INTENT Tuesday afternoon hammer-time mojo and went nuts. I vaguely recall passing some poor guy on the side of the road having a mechanical as I headed up the steepest climb, turned out that was Jeff fixing his dropped chain. I finally got some clear road as I hit the easiest part of the course. I rode past a flock of big black birds sitting in the grass on the side of the road, apparently they were vultures, they were scary looking ugly things. A bad sign? Not for me, they were there for the female pro I was gaining on.

Jeff came up and passed me with about 5k to go, shortly after that Alex was there. It was amazing that of all the almost 2500 people racing, that I would be lined up behind those 2 right at the finish. Neither was pulling away from me too fast so I caught up, I giggled as I passed Jeff and finished ahead of him. My IF ended up being .85, not ridiculous but not particularly smart given the hilly run course to come.

We all took off into T2. I was on my way out when I realised I still had a top on that I did not want, the awesome volunteer helped me get it off and dropped it back at my bike while Jeff ran past me laughing. Jeff, Alex and I all hit the run course within 30s of each other. They were gone and I was already feeling that my effort on the bike was going to make this a bit of an ugly run. Spectathlete Theresa was ready with a super smile and cheer as I ran by her at least 3 times out on the run course. I could see Alex and Jeff running together for a bit, they both looked great and I was super jealous that I did not have the legs to keep up. It was hilly and there were lots of U turns but it was a great run course. The aid stations were fantastic. I was not holding a pace I needed to hit 1:40, but I sure as heck was not going to let 1:45 slide by. I watched as a girl with a strong run and a “45” inked on her calf cruised by me with about 8k to go. Oh darn, had no hope of matching her pace, but still in decent shape and not completely falling apart I kicked on and managed a not so terrible run after a killer bike and a hilly run course.

I high fived Jeff and Alex and gave Theresa a sweaty kiss at the finish. All of us were happy. Alex finished 20th in the insanely stacked men’s 30-34 AG, Jeff came 8th in his 50-54 AG both very happy with their performances.

I was 3rd in my 45-49 AG with a 4:31. I can’t call this a 70.3 PR because the swim was cut short by 700m, but it was my fastest bike run combo ever. It was not executed the way I planned but when I look at the data and past performances, it really was one of my best days out. I had a smoking fast bike split of 2:24 which was 5th female overall, including the pros, my run was mediocre at 1:43, but over all a very fast day.

After the world’s most refreshing beer we headed down to the insanely hot river front to attend the award ceremony and slot allocation. Alex and Theresa escaped after awards but Jeff and I stayed. He was fairly certain, that he had a slot but it really was not till they called his name that he breathed again. I was holding my breath too. There was a lot of joy!

I passed on my slot because I already picked it up in Racine last year but was thrilled to see it roll down to a girl sitting right by me, again more joy!

Post race dinner at fab Chattanooga find, Urban Stack, was followed by ice cream thick shakes. We happily all fare welled Jeff before wobbling back to our skank hotel.

Alex, Theresa and I drove home via awesome food in Nashville, we sung a little John Denver, read and chatted, they were such great company all weekend.

I send my huge love and thanks to Simon for his support.

I send more huge love and thanks to my coach Rick Schopp, yeah, I am respectable on the bike these days, thanks for getting me there.

Next stop, cheering on my boys this weekend at their 1st triathlon. Lookout Brownlees.

#ironman703 #racewithINTENT #im703chatt

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