#being so desperate for a connection you think you deserve bc you’re surrounded by people…

[glacierbash]

Oh man rhis esteem post is COMING along. There is so much to analyze. Readmore bc dark knight spoilers and also mentions of fictional suicidal ideation. Ouhh.

What composes darkness in my girlie’s head. What happens when this darkness is not content to rest and wait but instead toils and rages and it is strong enough to manifest and yet it’s the one that holds her when she feels most alone, and wipes away her tears, and whispers “the world would be better if you had been killed, you know. But that’s okay. We will make sure they regret letting us live.” And it’s always there to give her community and remind her that it’s “we, not I,” and that for each life she takes it grows stronger. Something something Iverelle’s childhood was so so so bad that it has inadvertently made Esteem stronger than imaginable. Something something the fact she grew up thinking every part of her was gross and wrong means Esteem has so much to work with. Something something it is so powerful it’s not even a direct clone anymore, but something twisted and warped and different and yet it’s still horrifically her and she hates it and it hates her and that only makes it stronger.

Something something she grows to love it because she’s tired of hating it and she’s tired of hating herself. Something something something “I miss my friend and you remind me of him.” Something “I wish I was worthy of love but I’m not, I’m a monster just like you, so I suppose loving you will have to do.” Something something Iverelle has physically and mentally been replaced so much she’s not the same person anymore and she fears Esteem is now closer to who she was than she is and she wonders if that means Esteem should have the right to her soul and body. But at least it loves her. It loves her more than she can love herself.

[abbacchiosbelt]

(mango ;v;) for the halloweenie thing, could you perhaps write some headcanons about werewolf Johnny whose wary of humans bc of how he was shot & disabled bc of bad ones, and biting/marking with a s/o whose gotten him comfortable enough to want to show his form/have sex in his were form 😔✊ please and thanks, happy halloweeeen

thank you for your request! what a sweet prompt. johnny always deserves some love! ♡

18+ under the cut! cw for mentions of internalized self-hatred. 

Johnny had avoided your eyes for the first few months after you’d met him. You’d learned from his best friend Gyro that he was painfully shy and that he didn’t connect with other people very well, let alone another human. Gyro was the only other human he’d ever bothered to trust and it would take work for Johnny to come around to you. 

What you didn’t know is that Johnny desperately wanted to talk to you. Your kind words and respect of his boundaries didn’t go unnoticed by the quiet man, half-wolf and half-human. He hated himself for being confined to this chair when he could once run free and fast across open grass fields after he transformed. While he still had a bit of mobility in his were form, it certainly wasn’t enough to let him run. Johnny didn’t want you to settle for someone like him. In his mind, he was as good as dead.

Months pass, though, and when you stick by Johnny’s side with the same warm smile you had as the day you met him, he starts to soften. It takes a little prodding from Gyro, but eventually, Johnny shyly asks if you’d like to go on a date with him. From there, it doesn’t take long until Johnny starts to open up to you the same way he had with Gyro.

You cry with him when he tells you the story of how he was hunted down and left for dead, bleeding out on the forest floor until he was lucky enough to be picked up by Gyro, a traveling camper at the time. The recovery was arduous and left Johnny more than frustrated, at himself and at the world. It had only been recently that’d Johnny had begun to venture into the outside world again, rightfully bitter about humans.

You changed things though. It took time, he recognized that, but he’d never felt quite so comfortable around someone like he felt around you. Johnny had blushed when he’d told you that, his eyes still puffy from crying. When he asks if he can hug you, you don’t hesitate to wrap your arms around him and are pleasantly surprised to see two fluffy ears perked up on the top of his head when you pull back.

‘Sorry,’ Johnny mumbled. ‘When I get real excited they pop out... That’s why I always have m’beanie on.’

Calling his ears cute just made Johnny blush even more, but it made him feel warm inside — like he could trust you with anything. 

You prove it to him when the two of you slowly undress in front of each other for the first time. Johnny’s shy about it. He’s not as muscly as he used to be, and his stomach has grown soft. Even though his arms are chiseled and you find him more handsome than anything, he blushes and shies away from your compliments. When he sees you, though... Johnny lays you down flat and kisses your body, praising you for being so perfect and cute. His ears and tail make an appearance this time, but he holds back from showing you the rest of himself.

‘I promise I’ll show you more soon. But this time, I just want it to be like this, darlin’.’

And it’s wonderful — Johnny, despite how shy he is, is an attentive lover and is more than receptive to your touches. It’s not long, though, until you walk into Johnny’s small cabin one day to find him flushed and panting, ears pinned against his head. He smiles weakly but it’s more of a grimace, really. When you rush over and ask what wrong, he seems embarrassed. ‘Ah, I’m in... Well, I’m in heat. I-I don’t want to force you or anything, so you better get.’

Johnny can barely believe it when you take his hand, clawed tips beginning to poke through, and brush it against your jaw. You want this more than anything, and you’ll gladly have him. Like this. Always.

So he relents, and you watch with bated breath as Johnny’s body shifts into something definitely not human. While it’s still obviously your Johnny, his skin has instead been replaced with sandy-blonde fur that curls in some places. His face has the slightest bit of elongation and the fangs in his mouth stick out of his mouth. He’d look frightening if you didn’t know who he was.

Johnny approaches you slowly with a limp, tilting his head at you and panting. When you nod, he sticks his face into your neck and inhales deeply, whining. You feel a hardness start to grow against your lower half but before you can think too hard Johnny pushes you to the ground and starts to nip at your exposed flesh, tearing at your clothes as he goes. 

When his mouth latches onto your nipple you jolt at the feeling of a long tongue swirling around it, a mischievous look in Johnny’s eyes when you glance down at him. How anyone could call a werewolf as cute as Johnny a beast... you weren’t sure. Johnny works you up until you’re panting and hot beneath him, his cock rubbing against you all the while. 

When he pulls back, you finally get a good look at him. It’s similar to his own — average and cute, tilted upward and surrounded by a new tuft of fir at the hilt. You do notice one big difference though in that there’s a bulbous knot at the end of his cock. When you swallow, Johnny whines again and leans over to press his mouth into your neck.

His cock ruts against your slick entrance but Johnny hesitates, pulling back to speak with a voice that’s gruff but clearly his. ‘Mark you?’  His tail thumps against the ground and his cock twitches against you when you say yes. Though it’s a little painful, you can’t help but moan when Johnny sinks his cock into you and digs his teeth around your pulse point at the same time, biting down until you can’t stand it before he lets go and laps softly at the mark. 

When you’re ready, Johnny howls and starts to fuck into you like he’s crazed. Every part of this feels wild and you think this is why people would call werewolves beasts but you absolutely love it. Despite his brutal pace, you can still tell it’s Johnny from the way he’s cradling your back and how his hand trails over his favorite spots on your body.

You can barely think by the time Johnny’s brought you over the edge and finished inside you, both of you still on the ground and breathing heavily. Johnny’s transformation recedes a bit, leaving him with the ears, teeth, and tail but otherwise looking like the same old Johnny you’ve grown to love.

He eyes the mark on your neck and his eyes flash like he just realized what he had done. Before he can spiral, you pull him into a soft kiss and reassure him it’s what you wanted. More than anything, you wanted to prove how much you adored and cared for him. How much you trusted him.

Johnny can’t help but smile and blush, feeling the exact same way. When the two of you drag yourselves off the floor, you help Johnny to his bedroom and join him for a much-needed nap on the bed, your bodies intertwined as you rest easily.

For once, Johnny feels content.

[sweetheartben]

Well, good morning! Could I request Roger asking out Reader constantly, but Reader is always declining him bc she doesn't know how to do relationships and to trust other people, yet she doesn't give Roger an explanation as to why she doesn't go out with him and when he finds someone else reader realises that she really really likes him and she doesn't know if it's too late. If i confused you just say so and i will try to make clearer. Again I'm freaking proud of you. LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU

i owe the hugest apology for taking 67 years to get this out but i hope you enjoy it either way!! this was a wonderful request and it felt so good to be writing in a while!!❤️

It wasn’t rare that you could be spotted at Freddie’s apartment. Mostly becuase he always insisted on you coming to all of his parties, insisting that they were awfully boring without you there. You highly doubted that, considering the vast amount of people that always attended them. And the fact that Freddie somehow managed to say hi to every single person.

But either way, here you were again; sitting in one of the plush, deep red velvet chairs in Freddie’s lavish living room, while people mingled around you. Brian was sitting opposite you with his wife Chrissie and you spent the majority of your time chatting to them, not really in the mood to talk to strangers.

You felt a bit bad for zoning out during the conversation sometimes, especially now; Brian was telling you about some fancy space museum he’d visited during their last tour, but your eyes were drawn to something across the room. A tempermental blonde drummer, to be exact. 

He was sipping on some kind of drink and licking his lips after every sip almost oblivious that you were ogling him and his every move. Gosh, he looked so good and you cursed yourself immediately after thinking that. You couldn’t. You wouldn’t allow your mind to wander there.

But then he was making his way over to where you were sitting and you shifted in your seat, hoping the cushions would swallow you whole. Preferably before Roger’s stare lit you on fire.

“How you enjoying the party, sweetheart?” his voice was clear over the murmur of the crowd. He stood right next to your chair before sitting down on the armrest. He was so close you could feel the warmth radiating off of his body.

Brian noticed your attention shifting towards the blonde so he turned in his seat and finished telling the story to Chrissie, who seemed far more interested in it than you were. 

“It’s loud, but that’s to be expected of Freddie,” you replied after clearing your throat and taking a sip of the sweet drink in your hand, flashing an innocent smile over the rim of the glass.

Roger had always been nice to you, even going as far as to ask you out on coffee dates or a simple walk to the park. You had denied all of them in a desperate attempt to keep your distance. Why? You didn’t really know, but at this point making up excuses to avoid any sort of meetings outside your circle of friends had become second nature to you. And you hated it but you didn’t know any other way.

Roger chuckled nodding along to your words before leaning down a bit closer to you so he wouldn’t have to speak as loudly. 

“I was just wondering…there’s this drive in theater that just opened up outside of London,” you already knew where this was going and your heart sank because you knew what your answer would be, “and they’re playing “Grease” tomorrow night. I remember you telling me you liked that movie so I thought you might be interested.” 

He looked so hopeful, his big eyes shining under the light of the giant chandelier Freddie had hanging from the ceiling.

It did sound like fun. A lot actually, but before you could even stop yourself the excuse fell past your lips.

“Rog, m’sorry, I’m busy tomorrow night. A friend from school is visiting and I promised to get some drinks with her,” your voice didn’t waver and you were starting to get scared at how easy lying came to you. There was no friend from school and the only place you’d be tomorrow night would be your bed as you sulked about your decision to say “no" for the umpteenth time.

His face fell immediately, the light disappearing from his eyes along with the grin on his lips. You felt like crap instantaniously but plastered on an apologetic expression anyway. God, you were a horrible person.

“Right, have fun with your friend then,” he forced a small smile on his face and tried to hide the disappointment in his voice. 

The conversation died down after that mainly because some producer came by and snatched Roger away to discuss something about studio equipment, leaving you alone again full of regret and anger at yourself. 

As you finish the last of your drink, you debate whether or not to get another one but quite frankly you feel like crying the night away so you say a quick goodbye to Brian and Chrissie, before disappearing in the crowd to find Freddie and say goodbye.

***

It’s only when you spot the leggy blonde with curly hair by Roger’s side for the third time this week that it hits you. You like him. Like him like him. 

Why else would your blood be boiling while looking at the girl twirl a piece of Roger’s hair around her perfectly manicured finger? 

Truly, you’d known for a while about your feelings but you’d suppressed them for so long that it felt like a ton of bricks had just fallen on your head. 

You have to do something. This isn’t living, pushing away any romantic encounter that comes your way. At this rate you’ll die alone surrounded by seventeen cats. And you weren’t a cat person.

For precisely those reasons and more you find yourself knocking fiercely on Roger’s door later that night with a pounding heartbeat.

“Y/N, what are you doing here so late?” Roger’s voice pulls you out of your thoughts. He’s standing in the doorway with soft flannel pants and a hoodie on and if you weren’t focusing on your upcoming talk, you’d be melting in a puddle.

You take a second to gather your courage and then you spill everything like a shaken up soda can.

“Roger, I am so sorry for being a horrible human-“

“You’re not-“

“No, Roger, please let me finish.” you plead and Roger slowly nods,”You have been nothing but nice to me and I’ve always rejected your offers for dates because I’m scared. I’ve never had a proper relationship and I don’t know how to do one and I’m terrified of being a disappointment. But all that isn’t a reason to be rude and inconsiderate towards you. You’re a wonderful guy, Rog, I’m sorry for being a bitch, quite frankly.”

Quiet.

“And I know that it’s too late. You and blondie are now… a thing but I just wanted you to know and you deserved an apology.”

You let out a big and relieved sigh. It felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. But Roger still wasn’t saying anything.

You thought about just turning around and leaving, maybe Roger hated you now or maybe he just needed some time to forgive you but before you could make up your mind, Roger grasped your hand in his and pulled you forwards. You collided with his chest with a soft oompf and settled your hands on his chest to steady yourself. 

If you thought your heart was beating fast before, it was nothing comapared to the way it pounded in your ears when Roger’s lips connected with yours. Your brain became consumed with the feel of his mouth, the way it softly glided against yours and the way Roger gently cradled your face in his calloused palms. It was, out of the three kisses that you’d had in your entire life, by far the best by a mile and more.

You pulled back and looked up into Roger’s baby blue eyes.

“I thought I was too late? What about umm…blondie?”

Roger chuckled.

“Love, I don’t care about her, I care about you. And it’s never too late for you.”

Your cheeks warmed as Roger pulled you into his apartment with a passionate kiss. 

As the door shut behind you both and Roger laughed against your lips, all you could think about was how this is what living feels like.

Permanent taglist: (if you want to be added or i’ve accidentally added you and you want to be removed please send over an ask!)

@bensrhapsody @shipperfangirling @valeriecarolinaw @gingahpower@abigfatmess @mamaskillerqueen @itsjustcatrin @nialljamesismyhero

[zarcake-writes]

Do You Want Me?

Hello everyone! This was posted on my ao3 yesterday, and here it is on my tumblr. Hope you enjoy, bc I had a lot of fun writing this. 

Warnings: smut (i’m not tagging it), Arthur feeling bad about himself

The party going on in Shady Belle was the usual affair. The songs being sung, and instruments being played echoed throughout the swamp. Drunken voices, laughter, and shouts echoed around the area. The manmade sounds mingled with the natural noises of the swamp; mosquitos, frogs, and moving water.

The party sounded fun, but you weren’t interested in it at the moment. When the music started up, Arthur and you had wandered off to the back of the house together. His hand had grasped yours and he held it in a soft grip. In the moonlight, you could see how nervous he looked.

Now though, you were standing with Arthur outside his bedroom door. His hat was tilted back, and his union shirt was unbuttoned at the neck, allowing you to see some of his chest hair. His hands held yours, his skin was rough and worn, but his touch was gentle. From the dim light that filtered through the nearby window, you could see the apprehension and hope on Arthur’s face. There was even a slight tremor in his hands.

“Mr. Morgan, do you want me?”

“I… yes.”

“Then what’s stopping you from taking me into your room?”

“You don’t want to be with someone as ugly as myself darlin. And I can’t give you the love you want or deserve.”

“I didn’t ask for love Arthur. Also, I think you’re a very handsome man.” You took a step towards him, so your chests were pressed together. He let out a shaky breath and studied your face. His eyes glanced down to your lips, and he licked his own slowly.

“I’m a bad man darlin. You deserve better.” The tone in his voice broke your heart. Arthur was a dangerous man, you’ve seen him kill and beat people without a second thought. But you’ve also seen him help people in need. Despite what he thought, there was a good man beneath his harsh exterior.  

“You’ve done bad things, yes, but you’ve also done wonderful things for people. You do what you need to do in order to survive, but you’re not completely a bad man.” You cupped his face and stood up on your toes. His eyes widened as you pressed a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. His stubble rubbed against your lips, but it was a pleasant feeling.

You pulled away from the man slowly. “You ever decide you want me, Arthur, let me know.”

Your hand was slipping out of his as you turned and began walking away. There was a pain in your chest, not because he turned you away, but because Arthur thought so little of himself. His hand tightened on yours suddenly, and he pulled you to a stop. You looked back at saw the serious look on his face. Arthur took a few deep breaths before he spoke: “Please, come to my room with me.”

“Of course, Arthur.”

His hand held yours in a firm grip as he led you into his room. His room was simple, but it screamed Arthur Morgan. On one side of the room was a table filled with ammo and tools for his guns. There was a simple bed, a shaving kit, and a small chest. One of his windows was broken, giving him a view of the swamp and allowing air to blow in. There was a table with a map of the surrounding area and states, you noticed there were sketches and marks on the map, no doubt from his travels.

As you examined the map, Arthur came up behind you and wrapped an arm around your waist.

“You’ve been all over,” you said.

“Yeah, I have. Want to go further west though, too much civilization around here.” The annoyance was clear in his voice when he mentioned civilization, and you had to agree with him.

“Yeah. Let’s go to your bed.”

Taking Arthur’s hand, you led him to his small bed. You pushed him down onto his bed and straddled his lap. You pushed his hat off and tossed it onto the floor at his feet, your fingers ran through his hair. It was surprisingly soft, he had probably washed it earlier. He swallowed and placed his hands on your waist. The nervous look on his face and the slight tremor in his touch worried you.

“Arthur, we don’t have to do this. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“No, I want to. I’m just… nervous for some reason. It’s been a while for me, and I’m nervous about not being any good.” A light blush crept across his cheeks, and he looked away from your face for a moment.

“Then relax, Mr. Morgan, and I’ll take care of you. If you want to stop at any time, let me know, alright?”

“Alright.”

Leaning down, you pressed your lips to his. He inhaled at the contact, and for a second you thought he would pull away, but he was quick to deepen the kiss. Your hands ran up his body and began undoing the bandolier that hung across his body. He pulled it off and dropped it on the floor with his hat.

With the bandolier gone, you were able to run your hands across his wide chest. Through his shirt, you could feel the muscles beneath his skin. Arthur shrugged the suspenders off his shoulders and pulled off his shirt. The sight of his chest and stomach had you biting your lip, and groaning softly. He whimpered as you dug your nails into his chest, and rubbed his nipples.

Tweaking a nipple, Arthur let out a rather lewd moan. You silenced him by pressing your mouth against his. He clung to you as your hands continued exploring his body. Rolling your hips against his growing erection caused him to moan into your mouth and thrust his hips up in response.

As you pulled away from him, Arthur let out a whimper and tried to chase you. A hand to his chest stopped him. His pupils were blown wide and he was breathing heavily. Angling his head up, you pressed soft kisses to his jaw and neck. He let out a breathy sigh and ran his hands down your back to your thighs. Arthur gasped as you bit down onto his neck and began sucking. His fingers tightened around your thighs as he moaned.

Eager to make him remember this night, you left numerous marks along his body. A red mark on his neck, several on his shoulders, and even more along his broad chest. When you pulled away to admire your work, Arthur was leaning back on his elbows; he was breathing hard and letting out soft whimpers. His eyes were glassy, and there was a slight tremble in his body. You worried you pushed him too far until he whimpered: “More, please.”

“You want more?”

“Y-yes. Don’t stop.”

“I won’t. Stay laying back like this. Let me make you feel good, Mr. Morgan.”

Climbing off his lap, you settled between his legs. There was an unmistakable bulge in his pants that had your mouth watering. You pressed a soft kiss to it, causing Arthur to hiss. Moving away from him, you pulled off his boots and set them aside, then you pulled off his pants. He arched up and helped you slide them off. The sight of his reddened cock made you groan.

Taking it in your hand, you examined it. His cock fit him; it was the perfect length, thick, and veiny. Moving your hand from the base to the tip, you watched as some precum formed on the tip. Licking your lips, you moved forward and licked the dot off. Arthur let out a gasp and dug his fingers into the edge of his bed.

“Arthur, you taste good,” you moaned. His face darkened as his mouth fell open.

Smirking at him, you placed the tip into your mouth and began to bob up and down. Your movements were slow and teasing at first, only focused on the head. Your hands ran along his thick thighs, making sure to dig your nails into his sensitive skin, and began rubbing his balls. Arthur seemed to thoroughly enjoy this; he let out a groan and threw his head back.

“Please, more,” he begged.

You released his cock with a pop and said, “You want more Arthur? Want me to take more of your cock? Want me to choke on it?”

“Fucking hell, yes. Yes, please.” The flush on his face traveled down to his chest.

Without another word, you began sucking him off at a faster pace. Your tongue would swirl along his head when you came up, and going back down it rubbed along the underside. Arthur let out a stream of curses and broken whimpers. And when you took the entire length of his cock into your mouth, your nose was against his pubic hair, he let out a gasp. His hands gripped the back of your head and he began to fuck your throat.

“Fuck yes. Your mouth is so hot. Your throat is so tight,” he choked out.

When you pulled yourself away, there was a mess on your face. Your eyes were wet, and spit was running down your chin. Several strands of spit connected your mouth to his cock. You were quick to break the strands and rub your spit along the length of his cock.

You stood up and slipped off your dress. Arthur watched you with wide eyes and reached for you, but you batted his hands away.

“Lay on your bed the right way. I wanna ride you, cowboy.” Arthur was quick to comply and motioned for you to get on him.

As you climbed on top of him, his hands gripped your waist and he helped you settle. Rising up slightly, you straightened out his cock and pressed his tip to your folds. Letting out a breath, you lowered yourself onto him. You hissed at the burning sensation of him stretching you open. The pain felt good, and you knew tomorrow there would be a pleasant ache between your legs.

When all of Arthur was inside you, he let out a groan and dug his fingers into your waist. His eyes were clenched shut, and his head was tilted back. He was breathing hard, and a desperate noise escaped his throat. Taking advantage of your position, you rolled your hips against him.

He let out a gasp, and his head shot up. His jaw was tight, and there was a desperate, needy look in his eyes. His chest heaved, and his breathing sounded ragged. In the time you’ve known Arthur Morgan, you have never seen him in such a state. It made you feel powerful to have such a strong man beneath you, looking up at you with such an expression.

You rolled your hips again, slower this time, and savored the look on his face. His eyes fluttered shut and his lips parted open. One of the hands on your waist moved down to your thigh, then to the area where you both were connected. His thumb rubbed against your clit, but you were quick grab his hand and pin it down beside him.

“Don’t touch.” The sternness in your command and the grip on his wrist shocked the man. His eyes widened, but he nodded slowly. In the dim light of his room, you could see his face darken and feel the shiver that ran through him.

You began fucking him faster. His moans were throaty, and low like he was trying to control himself. The sound of him whispering your name, and saying “please” made you work harder. His hand on your waist was bruising, and the hand you held down managed to squirm its way out of your grip. It was now holding your hand as tight as it could.

“Are you close, Arthur?”

“Y-yes."

“Do you want to cum?”

“God, yes. P-please," he begged.

Leaning down so your face was inches from his, you said, “Then cum. Cum inside me.”

Arthur was quick to wrap his arms around your body and begin to thrust up inside you. His fingers dug into your sides, and a stream of obscenities fell from his mouth. He growled out your name as he chased after his own orgasm. Your nails dug into your chest, and your moans grew louder. You were sure everyone in the camp could hear you, but at that moment you didn’t care.

When Arthur came, he pushed himself all the way into you and moaned your name. His moans and whimpers sent a chill down your spine that made you want more of him. As he came down from his high, he didn’t release you. If anything, he seemed to cling to you tighter.

Sitting up, you looked down at the man below you. His eyes were closed, and he was breathing hard. There were beads of sweat along his brow and chest. You could feel his body shaking beneath you.

“Arthur?” He opened his eyes and gave you a soft smile. His hand ran up your side and cupped your cheek.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. The look in his eyes and the softness of his touch made your stomach flip. You smiled back and leaned into his hand, your own hand covered the back of his.

“You’re not bad looking yourself, Arthur. You have a strong jaw, a nice chest, an even nicer butt.”

“My butt?”

“Oh yes, very nice. I often look at it when I’m doing chores.” Arthur let out a soft laugh, and you couldn’t help but giggle with him.

His arms wrapped around your body, and he pulled you down beside him. He was gentle as he pulled his cock out of you. You couldn’t help but moan at the feeling of his cum slowly sliding out of you.

“I made a mess of your pussy, didn’t I?” he growled. His hand spread your legs open, and he eyed your cunt with a hungry look.

“You did. I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.” At your pouty face, Arthur let out a small snort.

“Well, let me kiss that pretty pussy of yours better.”

“You promise to make it better?”

“Oh yes darlin, I promise. I have all night to make you feel better.”

[marshmallowgoop]

Satsuki meta anon here again, apologies, but I was reading some meta that you wrote surrounding Soichiro/Isshin and his relatively necessity to abandon both his daughters, and wanted to contribute my own thoughts on the matter, specifically around the matter of difference of the nature of how alone both of them are. You nailed it completely with Ryuko. Isshin left Ryuko alone, wounded by his severance of their closeness in her early years and making it nearly impossible to bond with others. But-

-my reading of Satsuki’s situation is one of equal isolation, if of a different kind. Soichiro introduced her to a world where she can’t even trust her own mother, usually one of the, if not the most, strongest bonds a child could have at that age. Coupled with the fact that she was likely taught early on that being a child of a family with the wealth and power meant that people would try and use her for a piece of that, and you have a recipe for a grieving child incapable of trust without major investments of time and effort and frankly, some testing. 

Soroi is in the employ of the family, paid by the family to serve Satsuki. In the beginning, while she accepted his attempts to comfort her via tea and an introduction of one of her closest friends, its very likely that she didn’t trust him right away even if she desperately wanted to bc of how closely money could play a part in that kind of trust. Yes Soichiro asked Soroi to look after her, but is that something he could have easily conveyed to her at that junction and have her believe it? I think the trust they attained by the time Satsuki went to middle school was very hard earned on Soroi’s part. 

When it comes to Nonon, the light novel confirms that she didn’t find Satsuki interesting until she was very deeply troubled, a change that Satsuki very likely noticed the difference in her interest beyond that of two children of powerful families associating together. They may have been friends since preschool, but arguably Satsuki did not trust her until Nonon followed her away from a school that suited Nonon’s tastes and into a rougher one. Iori likely suffered from being placed in a similar boat as Soroi, not to be trusted for the sake of his uncle’s employment until proof otherwise (obviously earned as well, considering just how central Iori was to her plans and inner circle). 

While Ryuko was utterly alone because of a broken ability to bond from separation anxiety turned to abandonment issues, Satsuki found herself alone among others who might very well sell her out for power or money, regardless of their true intentions. Both are very isolating situations. And I’d argue that trusting people with plans and secrets and perhaps your life are markedly different than fully entrusting your heart to them, which has been played up by the anime as a large difference between Ryuko and Satsuki. Where Ryuko opens her heart to Mako and Senketsu, Satsuki’s heart remains closed still until far later.

In fact, because of this, Ragyo saying ‘give your heart over to me’ (Netflix subs, I think I’ve seen it translated as ‘entrust your heart to me’ as well) has always stood out to me as understanding Satsuki doesn’t trust like that, which is what separates her from Nui and Rei. 

Apologies for the length of this, and that I keep doing this your inbox, but this interpretation has been sitting inside of me since 2014. 

Oh my goodness, Anon!

I hope this doesn’t come off wrong, but I think you really ought to be posting these analyses under your own name. You deserve credit for your excellent work! As much as I’m thrilled that someone would want to discuss these topics at such length with me—seriously, you do not have to apologize at all for engaging with my content so much because that is literally my goal—I feel that you should also be getting recognition for what you do. I know how much time and effort goes into writing stuff like this.

Of course, I do understand that there are valid reasons to wish to be anonymous. I just want to say that these are good, detailed posts that could stand very well on their own, without any input from me.

Regarding my input here, these asks remind me of a line from “KILL la KILL Digest -Naked Memories by Aikuro Mikisugi-,” a quick recap “episode” that was included as a DVD/Blu-ray extra. Narrated by Aikuro, the short briefly explains the entire plot of Kill la Kill and then sets up the OVA with its final lines: “As for Satsuki Kiryuin, who led such an intense life ever since she could remember, totally alone… What kind of clothes will she choose to wear from now on? That’s the one thing that intrigues me.”

As you might expect, I always disagreed with the sentiment of Satsuki being “totally alone.” In the tags of one post, I even wrote, in response, “Nah man you’re thinking of Ryuko” and, “Satsuki had Soroi and Shiro and her Elite Four.” As I argued in the essay that you’re probably referring to, Isshin/Soichiro left Ryuko alone—and drj2008 even opened me up to the idea that he perhaps very purposely created and utilized Ryuko’s loneliness so that she would be so desperate for love that she’d bond more easily with Senketsu—but Isshin/Soichiro did at least assure that Satsuki would always have someone by her side when he told Soroi to look after her.

And I think that’s the key point of difference here. I’d never before considered that Soroi would need to gain Satsuki’s trust because I assumed he had it from the very start. My interpretation was that Soroi had to be a dear, close friend of Soichiro for Soichiro to ever ask him to look after Satsuki, and Satsuki—who adored her father, arguably to a troubling degree—wouldn’t question her father’s judgment. From the moment Soroi and Satsuki met, I believed that she would know, just by understanding Soroi’s relation to her father, that Soroi was someone to be trusted.

But I see now that my reading makes a lot of assumptions. Who knows when exactly Soroi told Satsuki that Soichiro had asked him to look after her? Satsuki might have been informed that Soroi was her father’s choice in some way (which is… actually quite curious, honestly), and Soroi might have told her that he knew everything early on, but you’re right—we don’t really know. I think your reading is very fair.

Concerning Nonon, I agree completely. I found Nonon’s part in the light novel to be absolutely tragic. Talking about the story, I once said, “It just shows how Satsuki did not trust Nonon at all.” Nonon was head-over-heels infatuated with Satsuki, but Satsuki didn’t even bother to tell Nonon when she was moving schools. That’s the exact opposite of trust.

I swear I don’t normally talk about my fanfiction in my essays as much as I have been in these responses, but I explored Satsuki and Nonon’s dynamic in a short Satsunon Roman Empire AU. In my piece, Nonon learns that Satsuki is going away by hearing some chatter, and to prove to Satsuki that she’s worth trusting, she runs to Satsuki before Satsuki leaves, declaring that she’s coming with no matter what. At the end of the fic—and this is the relevant part here—Satsuki meets with Nonon again after the world has been saved, and Satsuki finally opens her heart up, noting that she wants Nonon by her side, as a friend and equal, and she’s done with being treated as a goddess to be worshipped.

And I think that’s a big thing you’re touching on here, Anon. Satsuki may have had all these people around her, but many of them considered her to be something more than human. And that is lonely. It’s difficult to reveal your insecurities and doubts and fears to someone who sees you as a god. After all, they’re probably not going to listen; they think you’re “above” all that. Satsuki was very much isolated, just like Ryuko.

However, I still disagree with Aikuro’s assertion that Satsuki was “totally alone,” mainly due to Soroi. Regardless of how long Satsuki took to open up to Soroi, I think she most certainly had trusted him with her heart at least by the events of the series. The moment where the two converse about Soroi’s tea in episode 17 is probably the most telling example within the show itself; Satsuki smiles genuinely for Soroi and even reveals her hidden emotions, readily admitting that she may have been more compassionate in the past.

I can’t definitively say how much Satsuki let Shiro or the Elite Four in, but Soroi? There is complete and total trust here. And while I dislike comparing Soroi to Senketsu because I feel this too easily lends itself to the interpretation that Senketsu is a father figure to Ryuko (which is my absolute least favorite reading of Kill la Kill and one that I consider to be a complete and total misreading of the text #PleaseStopSenketsuIsRyuko’sDadTheories2k19), I do have to admit that Soroi is, for the majority of the anime, the one person whom Satsuki seems to truly be herself with, just as Senketsu is for Ryuko. 

Concerning the episode 17 scene mentioned above, I think it’s also pretty telling that Satsuki’s moment with Soroi occurs just after an intimate conversation between Ryuko and Senketsu that the script even emphasizes as a heart-to-heart that Ryuko deliberately wanted to have with Senketsu and Senketsu alone. Sure, I’ve argued in the past that the real connection between the scenes comes from Ryuko’s later chat with Aikuro and the fact that both Aikuro and Satsuki are discussing Soichiro/Isshin, but it’s also true that both Ryuko and Satsuki have very vulnerable, humanizing moments here. Soroi knows Satsuki’s heart, and she reveals it to him, just as Ryuko (quite literally!) shares her heart with Senketsu.

Of course, I think it’s clear that Ryuko’s relationship with Senketsu is one among peers while Soroi takes on a fatherly role for Satsuki in the place of Soichiro, but Soroi is still someone whom Satsuki trusts with her whole heart and soul. As pointed out, it may very well be true that Satsuki didn’t have that kind of trust in Soroi immediately, but I figure it can’t have taken too terribly long for the relationship between them to become close. After all, as noted in the aforementioned episode 17 scene, even young Satsuki smiled for Soroi when she had stopped smiling at school. Satsuki wasn’t being genuine, yes, but she was still breaking her hard guise for Soroi, and 18-year-old Satsuki is even surprised that she wasn’t honest back then, implying that she feels they’ve been as close as they are since practically the beginning.

I know this got terribly long, but I don’t at all disagree that Satsuki had also been subjected to an isolating situation. It is lonesome to feel, as outlined in an early advertisement introducing Satsuki’s character, that “humans are clothes-wearing pigs” whom she must “dominate,” “rule over,” and “destroy,” all while “relying on no one.” It is awful to believe that you have to do everything all alone, without sharing your true self with anyone.

And it’s sad, too! Satsuki’s struggles to truly trust others lead her to inadvertently hurt the people she cares about, and there’s something especially tragic about how Satsuki used and manipulated her own sister—whom Satsuki was fighting for all along!—rather than tell the girl the truth and trust her. As I’ve written in the past, “While Satsuki is not truly against Ryuko, her plan prevents them from being close. The thought of Satsuki fills Ryuko with hatred… when they could have been allies and friends. Satsuki’s tired, sad frown as Ryuko returns to normal [after going berserk in episode 12], juxtaposed with the Mankanshoku family’s shock and Nui’s bemusement, does well in hinting that maybe Satsuki wishes she had Mako’s power herself… and she’s sorry that she doesn’t.”

But more than all this, even Ryuko points out how alone Satsuki is after fighting Satsuki to a draw in episode 15. Ryuko only gets as far as she does by putting her complete and utter faith in Senketsu—and notably here, she follows through with his strategy even without knowing exactly what he intends to do—and she recognizes that Satsuki… doesn’t bond like that.

In pushing a point like this, I think the show definitely wants viewers to notice that Satsuki is stuck in a hard, isolating situation where she feels she can’t entrust her heart to anyone.

But I think the show also wants viewers to notice that Satsuki is more than capable of loving and trusting in the same way that Ryuko does. Ryuko doesn’t have a clue about someone like Soroi when she accuses Satsuki of being by herself, and as I’ve emphasized all throughout this monster of a post, I wholeheartedly believe that at least Soroi had fully earned Satsuki’s trust, even if it took a moment. Satsuki just about always had someone she felt safe with, whereas Ryuko… lost all that when her father abandoned her and didn’t find it again until she met the Mankanshokus and Senketsu. There’s a reason that one of Ryuko’s defining features is her loneliness, pointed out in her character introduction with the line, “Ever since I could remember, I was alone,” in her (and Senketsu’s) theme song “Before my body is dry” with lines like, “But I’m all alone,” and, “Don’t wanna be all alone,” in her fantasy world in episodes 20-21, and even by the cast, such as when the Mankanshokus note that Ryuko has to be super lonely to talk to her clothes or when even Ragyo tells Satsuki to go join her “lonely little sister” in death.

Ryuko gets a lot of heat for not being as strong as Satsuki upon learning her true origins, but I argue that you can’t really blame her. Even if Satsuki closed off her heart to most people, she undoubtedly grew up with a support system that Ryuko did not have until practically adulthood. Satsuki manages to keep her head up and carry on not only because of her immeasurable resolve and ambition, but also because she has a lifetime of love and support. Satsuki is not as alone as Ryuko claims (and I’d really like the Satsuki-centric Kill la Kill the Game: IF to elaborate on Ryuko understanding as much), and I feel that Soroi is genuinely an unsung hero of Kill la Kill. Could Satsuki have been nearly as strong without his influence?

I guess this is maybe a bit off topic, though.

In any case, I definitely agree that Satsuki struggled to open her heart to others, and I definitely agree that this is a hard, sad, awful place to be in. Part of what makes Satsuki’s team-up with Senketsu near the end of the series so sweet to me is that it is here that Satsuki really begins to open up. She doesn’t look down on Senketsu, she acknowledges his feelings, and in a cut moment from the script, she even outright tells him to wear her, thereby fully and completely trusting him to work with her and save Ryuko. Senketsu noting that his and Satsuki’s “hearts are as one” in episode 21 is one of the most heartwarming things in the entire anime when you consider everything that Satsuki has gone through. She’s been afraid to trust and afraid to show her true self to anyone, and yet… to save her sister, she opens up her heart to someone she had once considered evil and incapable of love.

And after this? Satsuki, despite saying in her introduction that she will be “bowing down to no one,” bows down to Ryuko.

And she smiles openly.

She laughs.

Satsuki was absolutely stuck in this lonesome, isolating position. But just like Ryuko, she gets out of it—and just like Ryuko, it’s so incredibly, incredibly sweet that she does.

[goldblcd]

    [ MUSE 6 ] ●● is that BENJAMIN WADSWORTH? no, that’s just MATEO SERRANO, the 16 year old CIS MALE who is an HS SOPHOMORE. some say they’re CALLOUS AND TEMPERAMENTAL, but their family and friends will swear they’re RESILIENT AND INDEPENDENT. when i think of them, i think of bruised knuckles, the faint smell of cigarettes, worn out leather jackets, scars inside and out, distrustful looks, a boy trying to be a man. i wonder if their family know that HE is hiding that HE’S PLANNING TO RUN AWAY AFTER HE SAVES UP SOME MONEY. 

rory again! 2/3! getting there. i’m rushing bc i’m meeting my cousin for lunch lol.

tw: mentions of drug abuse, drug overdose, violence, sexual abuse, physical abuse, ptsd.

story time, guys.

so, mateo was born (and raised) in boston to parents that had no business putting a child in the world and that apparently didn’t know how to work a condom. his mother was a junkie who was out of it for most of his childhood, and his dad was an abusive asshole who happened to be part of one of the most violent gangs in the greater boston area. nice.

growing up he was surrounded by violence, and that was ultimately what turned him into an orphan. his mother died of an overdose when he was eleven and his father was murdered by a rival gang when he was twelve. after that, he was put in the foster system, but only a month into his first placement (a group home) he ran away. and every time cps would get their hands on him he’d run away again.

he didn’t have anyone who could trust or anyone he thought had his back, so he learned how to make on his own. and ended up doing not so legal things, especially during the times he was on the streets. stealing is the easiest way to get money in those circumstances shh.

when he was fourteen, one of his father’s old friends (read gang pal) recognized him and asked if he didn’t want to join the gang with all the promises of money and family and people who would look out for him. he knew it was a very very very bad idea, but his options were very few and desperate times call for desperate measures. so, at fourteen he became a prospective member which meant he got to hang around and do whatever the members told him to.

mostly, it was stealing and selling drugs and getting into fights with rivals gangs and they did give him a place to stay, he had food and he even got into the leaders’ good graces ( too much and in ways that no fifteen-year-old should. this man is not a good guy at all ). but some months later it started a conversation of mateo becoming a full member and that meant probably having to murder someone and that’s when he drew the line because this boy couldn’t do that.

the problem is that once you’re in that circle, getting out is not something you can do. which, nice again. but then enters papa armstrong just at the perfect time. if there’s one thing he learned growing up is that he should always look out for yourself and that’s what he did. mateo sang like a bird as soon as papa armstrong offered him protection. he did not expect that to come in form of opening his house to him, but he’s not complaining.

for the past month 3 months, he has been staying with the armstrongs and trying to keep a very low profile. he’s happy to be out of boston and a little away from the gang, i mean, he doubts they’re going to look for him at some affluent suburb. he does feel bad about being there, though. he knows it’s dangerous for all parts involved and these are the nicest people he has ever met, he doesn’t want to be the reason something bad happens to them.

he’s trying to be the best houseguest he can and not overstep his boundaries. help around the house, stay out of trouble do well at school (this boy dropped out before his freshman year ok, he was supposed to be a junior), but it’s all too different and sometimes it can be a little overwhelming. add to that having to look over his shoulder 24/7, he has a lot on his plate right now.

personality, maybe.

mateo is truly a result of his environment. he is extremely independent, resourceful and resilient. no matter what goes down or what’s thrown at him, he will find a way to survive. he has been fighting for as long as he remembers and he will keep on doing just that.he is very pragmatic, there’s not a lot of complaining. shit happens and all you can do is find a way around it and fix it.

a bit of a cynic, though. the world is a dark place and people are intrinsically bad, that’s what he thinks. has a lot of trouble seeing the good in people or expecting them to do anything out of the goodness of their hearts. everyone always wants something in return.

he doesn’t know how to act when people are just nice to him tbh. the armstrongs??? he can not understand why they’re doing this. he knows papa armstrong is keeping him around because he’s important to the case but the rest of the family?? no idea. it’s not like he deserves to be cared about and for, right?

he is an introvert and likes to keep to himself most times, especially around ashcroft where he feels incredibly out of place. he’s the kid at school that’ll spend lunch by himself with a sketchpad. but he isn’t shy, he just doesn’t like to talk when he doesn’t have anything to say. he absolutely hates small talk, those just leave him without knowing what to do with himself.

he will always stand but for the little guy. if he sees a kid being bullied at school you can bet he will give up the whole lay low/don’t get into trouble and get into a fight. and he will not regret it. his means of conflict resolution are fists. that’s it.

he doesn’t do any drugs other than smoking weed and doesn’t really like getting drunk. he has very bad memories about any mind-altering substances so he’s just not a big fan. he does smoke, though. a lot. mostly when he’s nervous or when there’s someone bothering him.

he still has nightmares about everything he’s seen and lived and i would not be surprised if this boy was eventually diagnosed with ptsd because he has all the symptoms, but don’t expect him to get any help. 

he loves to draw. doesn’t show it to anyone, but loves to do it and is actually really good at it. not that he thinks that or that he would believe if anyone told him that.

actually, a softie and just needs a hug or fifty.

wanted connections.

i’m getting some heavy ryan atwood (and some jesse mariano) vibes here so i’d love if someone could give me his own seth cohen and marissa cooper (princess falling in love with the outsider? yes pls). 

he’s also gonna need some friends that he will try not to get attached but will fail. 

maybe someone super naive and he’s just ‘fck this kid’s gonna get themselves eaten alive’ and just becomes protective over them?

tutors! he has missed a lot of school and is still trying to catch up and not have to be stuck in sophomore year.