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anon-confesses · 2 years

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(this is really long and you don't have to read it, I just wanted to type it out and put it somewhere)

I'm fifteen. I don't trust my parents, and I feel pretty shit about it, because they're overall pretty good. but I've never been able to really talk to them, to the point where the one time I managed to find the courage to come out, I took it back pretty quickly.

my mom had a really really rough childhood. like really fucking bad. dead dad, mom doing drugs, siblings homeless or in foster care. the fact that she's managed to be as good of a mom as she has is really fucking impressive. but I'm never comfortable around her. I'm way more comfortable around my dad, but I still don't really trust him, because he tells her everything.

there's all this stuff that I want so badly to tell them, but I know they'll never believe me and that I'll just get in trouble for being attention seeking.

my brother and sister are both in therapy because their issues have always been obvious, and I'm the "last hope" kid. I can't fuck up because I'm my parents' last chance for a normal kid. but I'm already fucked up, they just haven't found out yet.

my mental health has been shit since 1st grade, when I was suicidal for the first time. in second grade, I got my first eating disorder. over the years, I struggled with depression, anxiety, eds, suicidal thoughts, and being queer all out of anyone's sight. no one knows just how badly wrong I am, not even my best friend, who knows almost everything. there's no one I can tell, no way for me to get real help without my parents finding out.

I'm also incapable of shutting off my brain long enough to have fun. everything I do plans for the long run, which I know is good, but it's ruining my ability to just exist. getting bad grades scares the shit out of me. I keep gravitating closer and closer to drugs, but I never actually do them, although I have started drinking more. I've started taking melatonin to sleep, and that stopped working so now I take benadryl. I've currently fallen into a new type of eating disorder and I'm going through a lot of body dismorphia. but it doesn't matter, because no one notices because my sister's issues are worse.

it's not that I'm mad at her. I'm obviously not jealous of her issues. but I wish that my parents were capable of noticing that their third kid is also doing fucking awful.

I've started fighting with my mom more, which I know isn't fair to her, but I can't help it. every fight is bad for me, because it'll just get me in trouble, but I don't know how to show that I'm fucked up without shouting it at her. she'll never admit it's real if it's not in her face, making her life harder. but I don't think I'll get therapy, I'll just get punished. I know the risk isn't worth it but I'm so fucking angry and I just need to do something about it.

it's such a teenage cliche to hate your parents and to do bad things to get their attention, but it's what I'm doing. I hate that I do it but I can't help but feel like I don't have any other options. there's no one who can help me that I trust. all in all, it's pretty shitty. idk I just wanted to say it somewhere.

#anon please. PLEASE. seek help.#who cares if your parents dont have their 'normal' (a thing that is made up anyway) child? you are in agony. you deserve help.#also consider: you parents absolutely would much much mcuh rather #have an 'abnormal' child who constructively works on making the best of the hand they were dealt in life #than a child who pretends so hard to have 0 issues for arbitrary reasons until they crash and burn #like you're not the perfect child either way (no child ever has been it is not possible!!!) so what's the point in faking it. who are #you fooling #who or what benefits from you faking it? in the end absolutely no one and nothing #sorry if all this sounds harsh but like. you deserve to do so much better by yourself!!#it can be super duper scary to open up to your parents about stuff #and while i think at some point you will have to tell them you can try talking to your best friend #(who by the way how do they know 'almost everything' about you when you hide such a massive and influential aspect of your life from them?)#or find a school counselor or a teacher you trust #the first step is the scariest and after that you'll have someone who knows & can help you through the next step(s)!#just. please reach out to someone bc right now you're on the road to being like this for the rest of your life #when you don't need to at all!!#and it is far from too late to change things! but the sooner you start the better #you deserve to not struggle. you deserve to sometimes just have fun. you deserve to be comfortable.#and you deserve to put people in your life to help you get there!#so please. consider doing that for yourself.#good luck anon!! i hope it all works out for you #secret #anonymous #confession #tw ed #tw suicide #tw drugs

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