#bitty didn't mean to hurt holster

[coffee-at-annies]

It’s Bitty’s first year at Samwell and he’s been pretty much given free rein of the kitchen to bake as much as his heart desires. Sometimes the boys even help him outs with ingredients if they want him to make something specific. It’s the middle of the September and he walks into an empty Haus filled with the scent of fresh picked apples. And boy do they smell good. Reminds Bitty of going apple picking with his mother when he was younger. There’s no note saying whether he can or can’t use them but there’s never been an issue with him using what’s in the kitchen for his baking before and these would work perfectly for in his Moomaw’s famous apple pie that he’s just been dying to make. Ransom and Holster come back right as the pie is coming out of the oven. They seem surprised that he’s there and that he used the apples but when he asks they assure him that it was okay. Still, when Holster sees the pie his smile doesn’t fade and his thanks are no less enthusiastic then they’ve been in the past but something goes a little dead in his eyes. Bitty doesn’t understand why until later that evening when looking for Holster to apologize to him again and instead finds Jack up in the attic with Ransom and Holster quietly slicing up the last of the apples and dipping them in a jar of honey while candles flicker in the window frame. Bitty watches for a moment before heading to the reading nook to get an explanation from Shitty.

[ariesisms]

at all times im thinking about bitty slowly and organically getting more and more comfortable with play fighting and wrestling his friends. like literally in the back of my brain at all times im thinking about the transition from touch averse freshman to rowdy boy varsity captain of the hockey team. and im crying about it.

im thinking about how it would freak him out a little at first, when these guys who he doesn't know all that well and who physically resemble the people who taught him to be afraid of his peers, want to playfully push him around and drunkenly climb all over him. and im thinking about how it's slow going, how bitty sometimes flinches at little things like Holster coming at him too quickly for a hug, or shitty smacking him on the back a little too forcefully. He never really tells them the full scope of what he experienced in Georgia, of all the ways he was made to feel small and weak and helpless and alone, but he thinks they get it. and that helps. it helps when he learns that all he has to do is say stop, and they will, no questions asked. It helps that shitty had gotten to all these guys first, that most of them were already smart enough to understand what "stop" and "no" mean, and that that's an open dialogue that's alresdy in place when bitty gets there. it helps that bitty can say stop, and they will, but it also helps that they dont treat him any different for it. it helps that they come right back twenty minutes later, getting up in his space in new obnoxious ways, constantly. it helps that they understand that stop means stop this, not stop everything. they listen, but they don't treat him like he's breakable. they know he's not, and it helps him remember that about himself.

It helps when he starts dating jack, who he does tell everything to, who clenches his jaw while bitty spills his guts and winces through the worst memories, fully submitting to the mortifying ordeal of being vulnerable. jack shakes his head after, eyes a little shiny and lost for words, like hearing about bitty's pain hurts him by proxy. and jack tells bitty that he figured there was something, knew from how scared bitty used to be about getting hit, but that he had no idea how bad it was. and jack hears all of it, knows all of it, knows bitty, and he still doesn't hesitate to pick him up and toss him over his shoulder. he doesn't stop hip checking him in the kitchen or chasing him around the living room and tackling him onto the couch. and bitty doesn't bat an eye. and thats what trust is. that's what being understood and loved is.

and bitty finds, slowly but surely, that he understands his friends in return. when he first got to samwell, he didn't get the constant rowdiness and rough housing, but by the time he's an upperclassmen, he's fully immersed in it. he gets it even when ransom sneaks up on him and puts him in a headlock outside the library, he gets it even when holster grabs him and drags him into his kerfuffle with chowder on the gross floor of the haus den, and he gets it even when he's trying to actually study for once and shitty barrels into his room and tackles him clean off of his desk chair.

and he doesn’t just understand it- he enjoys it. he's good at it. bitty checking that dude his senior year didnt come out of no where. he learns how to use his size as an advantage, how his smaller frame lends itself well to wiggling free from the clunky grasps of his gigantor friends. he gets scrappy - will use his sharp elbows and knees and isn't afraid to bite if he has to, and knows all the soft places that will make someone lose their grip, which he uses as leverage to throw them off their balance. he's also already the best at throwing his body weight around, years of figure skating having taught him exactly how much momentum he needs to land, calculated and somehow graceful, onto any target. holster is all too cocky until the first time bitty sneaks up on him at the exact moment he's shifting his weight from one foot to the other, getting a running start so when bitty jumps onto his back, holster goes toppling to the side, perfectly cushioning the fall for bitty, who just lays there, dead weight on top of him, until holster manage to push him off. and its fun. it's connection and it's trust and it's bitty, laughing and gasping for air with the people who make him feel safe, finally separating physicality from violence. it's learning that he has control, that he's not broken or breakable, getting the support he needed to grow into his body and reclaim it. it's him finally feeling strong instead of weak, understood instead of alone. it's trust. it's love. its GROWTH.