#blame it on bella exposition

[inkabelledesigns]

18 and 25 for the writer's ask meme!

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

For Searching the Depths, I had it in my old drafts that there was a secretary that knew Sammy had a sweet tooth and kept candy in her drawers specifically for him. It has absolutely no bearing on the plot whatsoever, but it's a really nice detail and it's still a part of the world lore, regardless of whether or not I choose to call it out again later.

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. I'm going to put this under the cut, because it's a little long, but oh boy I have so much to say about this. I'm going to give you a dialogue exchange, also from Searching the Depths, for a chapter that's a long way from being released, something that happens within the ink realm that absolutely tears me to shreds.

Bella cried out. "I didn't know it was REAL! I-I never would've messed with it if I had, I swear-" 

"Kid, why are you apologizing? You did the right thing." Jack asked. 

"We don't know that!" Sammy hissed. "We had a plan, a way out! Now everything is thrown out the window! We have to start from square one and we're running out of time!" 

The more he barked, the more she shrank away from him, unable to meet his gaze. 

"Things weren't any more certain before and you know it." Jack crossed his arms. "Even with the same events repeating over and over again, Joey STILL had all the power. If it's not his story anymore, then he's not in control. And that gives us a fighting chance!" 

"Oh please, like that'll stop him." Sammy huffed. "From where I'm standing, our future is more uncertain than ever!" 

"Well then we'll just have to do our best and make it better, won't we?" Jack held his hands on his hips. "Sam, come on, look at her. She didn't mean for this, ease up will ya?"

"I'm with Jack on this one." Bendy piped up. "If we're really gonna play the blame game, I'm the winner here. None of this would be so dire if I hadn't gone meddling." 

"My lord-"

"No, Sam…it's true. I wouldn't even be your lord if I hadn't poked around where I shouldn't have." He sighed. "But I was a young idea back then, I had to grow up, make mistakes." He looked at Bella. "Same goes for you."

She sniffled as she looked back at him. "This is more than a mistake. This is a critical error. I can't- I helped do something even worse than what you were already going through, that's- it's unforgivable."

"...He tricked you, just like he did all of us." Jack looked at her sadly, connecting the dots. "Found someone desperate to exploit. You…at least you tried to make something good out of it. It's more than I can say."

This entire sequence is so near and dear to my heart. I have been trying to find the right way to introduce the concept of Bella finding out she's trapped in a story for the longest time, but one of the things that's changed within my drafts is that it's her draft of the story that she's in. I realized along the way that I'm not interested in writing the story of BATIM beat for beat, I wanna put my own spin on it and have some events that aren't in that original. So having a naive artist mess with the cycle without realizing she's affected real people on the inside until it's too late? Now you're talkin'! And now that the ink has claimed its newest victims, there's so much in store for everyone in its grasp.

This conversation was originally very exposition-y, some parts of it still are, with Bendy as the one to explain what's going on, but it's grown so much to be so much more. For one, Jack got an upgrade to main character trio status. He wasn't even in this scene originally. Two, Bendy and Sammy got a major characterization glow-up that I am so grateful for. I love how angry Sammy gets here, his frustration in this and the text that surrounds it is really fun to write. He's an interesting mix of his human self and his prophet self, and having Jack know how to navigate this angrier side of him is great. They bounce off of each other REALLY WELL. Also Bendy, gosh, Bendy has so much more to lose and so much he's already lost when it comes to this. He mirrors Henry's feelings of thinking this is all his fault (something something like father like son), but instead of trying to take on everything by himself, he's being open and honest about his feelings and relying on his allies for things he can't do alone. He's shown a remarkable amount of growth as I've gotten to know him more.

I can say the same about Bella. She's another character who sees herself as a responsible party and grows paralyzed when she's not sure how to fix it. She has a significant lack of belief in herself, which was important to show early on, but with these three by her side, she'll learn that she can be so much more. This is a character that life just kind of happens to, she feels no control over her situation, and it's true, there's a lot she doesn't have the power to do. But there's a lot she can do with what she has, and I can't wait for her to figure that out and forge her own path with these guys. She may be helpless and crying now, but that's not gonna be the case forever.

Thank you so much for the ask! This was the first one in my box, but I had to really think about it before I was ready to answer. I'm still accepting submissions for the writer's ask game if any of you wish to join me for some fun!

[alkhale]

HELLO HELLO I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE THE KHR REBLOGS ;-; Cries of the Heart was my first fic from you and I love Ketsui so much, she deserves the world TT im so excited for your rewrites!!!!

if possible, and it's okay if it'd be a spoiler and you can't, could we maybe please see a little bit of what TYL!Ketsui/Yoru's dynamic would be with Tsuna and his guardians? Pls and thank you!!!

HELLO HELLO ANON, I'M JUST HAPPY PEOPLE ARE STILL READING THIS ONE :') I know it's an older one and KHR doesn't get as much love as it used too, but it'll always be one of my favs. All my mafia addictions and gangster movie crazes were all because of Reborn <3

I can't do too much because I'll leave it for when we finally get to the Ten Year Later/Future arc... but I can definitely give you a bit of TYL!Ketsui with the TYL!Cast ;)

These observations will be made through the curious eyes of the Vongola's newest secretary, Bella

A rather polite, sweet young woman who likes life simple, or as simple as it can be when your own family has ties to the mafia, she decided to take this job at the recommendation of one of her friends who works as a contracted accountant for the Vongola, hinting she might be able to scout for potential partners amidst the Vongola's eligible bachelors and bachelorettes

Gokudera

Bella fanned her warming cheeks with both her hands, sighing as she managed to slip out the back of the terrace doors to one of the mansion's massive gardens.

She'd known already ahead of time that parties hosted by the Famiglia would be grand. Experiencing the sheer grandness of it all first hand, however, wasn't as easy to prepare for.

And tonight was one of the biggest they could get—a founding day celebration for the Vongola Famiglia. Founding day celebrations were no joke, not in the slightest in the mafia world, Bella was well aware. Allied families and lone contracted hitmen alike had filled the massive halls of the Vongola Family mansion—one of their many scattered across the breath of Italy.

Bella knew ahead her new work would find her split between Japan and Italy since the Vongola Decimo had his headquarters in both countries, but all formal events would find them back in Italy where the Vongola was first birthed.

The little balls and galas playing at extravagance by the other families attempting to win alliances with the Vongola were nothing compared to this. Everywhere Bella looked had dripped decadence. The shining chandeliers, the vast, colorful arrays of food stretched across gilded tables, the marbled floors so polished she could see her own reflection—not to mention the people! More people than Bella had ever seen in her life. More mafiosos than Bella had ever seen. She knew now firsthand just why the name Vongola carried all the weight it did.

But... Bella pressed the back of her cool hands against her still warm cheeks. There was still a strange, sort of comforting sense of... homeliness that lined the faint edges of this grand celebration held by the Vongola Famiglia. Something more real compared to the rest, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

The garden's were just as big as Bella could have imagined. Lush green hedges walled off thick and bountiful bushes of flowers. Everything from roses to peonies lined walkways, smooth and clean of all weeds and trash alike. Bella marveled at it all, wondering if some of the flowers had even been imported from the Decimo's home country. The faint bubble and trickle of a fountain somewhere nearby brought Bella closer, escaping the loud and flooded chatter of people still inside the main ballroom.

She'd hear it from her friend later if she didn't go back soon. She was particularly insistent on making sure Bella could identify all the eligible bachelor's in the Vongola Famiglia and their more easy-on-the-eyes allies. Bella already knew the handsome and very single Cavallone Boss was a treat for the eyes at any party, or the smiling, charming laugh of the Decimo's Rain Guardian, one of his close friends from middle school.

They were all very nice to look at. All of the Decimo's guardians were strangely enough, very easy on the eyes. It was often one had a mafia family stacked with such lookers like this. But Bella didn't have the heart to tell her friend she was still a professional after all, and professionals did not get involved with their employers like that.

Well, Bella hummed to herself, following the sound of the fountain. A secretary and one of the Guardians... that couldn't be too bad, could it?

A muffled sound was started to pick up over the rush of water. Louder the closer she got—was someone arguing?

"How could you even think about leaving early? Do you know how it would even start to look for him?"

"...I think you're exaggerating. No one would bother if I left a little early."

"We represent the Boss! Of course people would notice!"

"I never said I was going to leave... I just wanted a bit of fresh air."

Bella blinked, peeking a bit more quietly around one of the hedges to where the garden opened up to the massive fountain. A fight? I hope it isn't a couple's—

Bella stopped dead, eyes growing round in surprise.

The smokey hair was unmistakable. His pressed black suit hid the peek of bright, roguish red around the collar of his neck. Broad shoulders and a deeply masculine frame. A large, glittering red stone ring adorned one of his long, calloused fingers and—

Bella hid deeper behind the bush, flushing in embarrassment. The Storm Guardian, Gokudera Hayato! He was one of the one's she was often warned about during her work training. Known wonderfully for his deep loyalty the the Tenth, and known even more for his short temper and rough demeanor to anyone who stood in the Tenth's way. Bella had heard he was notorious for getting into fights with some of the other Guardians, apparently always butting heads with one of the female ones... not the Mist... who was it again?

But despite his rough and gruff demeanor, Bella always did notice he was one of the firsts to always have his paperwork done. He made it his work to solve whatever issues he could before the reached the Tenth's desk or unless the Vongola Decimo wished to be involved firsthand himself.

Vongola Decimo's right hand man.

And in front of him is... Bella squinted, making out long, beautifully toned and tanned legs—oh, she must work out a lot, her legs are gorgeous—peeking through the deep slit of a sleek black dress, black as the night. Gokudera moved a bit to the side, saying something else as his hand moved with more emphasis. Long black hair was swept over her shoulder and down her back, curling a bit at the ends like a child had wrapped the ends of the strands around their fingers. Bella's eyes went curiously round.

Ketsui Usagidoshi. Bella blinked a few more times. She's also one of the Guardians... I don't remember which one... Some people call her the Vongola's Black Rabbit.

"I just wanted to hear Tsuna's speech," Ketsui's face looked calm, relaxed almost compared to the taut and rough tone from Gokudera. In one hand she swirled a glass around and Bella instantly recognized the color for the citron wine. Sweet and refreshing. She'd had a few glasses herself. "That's all we really cared about anyway."

Bella had heard whispers of the female Guardian, a range of different things that always left her rather mysterious. Hearing her speak now—her voice was sort of soft, smooth and quiet. It tickled Bella's ears like a whisper.

"It doesn't matter, stupid woman," Gokudera said roughly. Bella flinched. They're fighting, aren't they? Oh, no, that could be dangerous. "We need to keep up appearances for our guests. There's too many people here for any slacking."

"...Kyouya isn't playing nice though." Bella almost laughed. Ketsui's voice was quiet, but the monotone was betrayed by the hint of petulance. Sort of childish, she realized. It was a bit endearing to see from the beautiful and quiet woman.

"Hibari's never held to the same standards. That bastard is doing the bare minimum by not beating up half the people here to death."

"Well," Ketsui said quietly. "That doesn't seem very fair."

The Storm Guardian let out an aggravated sigh. Bella started to worry she was about to see a fight break out between the short-tempered right hand man and the dark horse of the Vongola Famiglia—but to her surprise, Ketsui shifted a bit to the side along the fountain's seat.

Gokudera sat down beside her, slumping with an even deeper sigh as he rested his hands on his knees. Ketsui have one of them a small, friendly pat, taking a quiet sip of her drink.

Bella blinked.

"Damn Hibari," Gokudera said. He held out his hand and Ketsui silently placed her half-finished glass into it. Gokudera threw his head back and cleaned the glass in one swing. "Him and his crowding. He just uses it as an excuse so he doesn't have to deal with all this bullshit."

Gokudera set the glass down beside him, scowling even deeper as he loosened his tie a bit, undoing the first few buttons of his dark red dress shirt as well. "That shit was sweet. What the hell were you drinking?"

"I don't know," Ketsui said calmly. "I picked it because it smelled like citrus."

She absently glanced to her empty glass, leaning back onto her hands. "I did want to finish it, you know."

"I'll get you another," Gokudera shuffled around for something in his suit pocket. "How many have you had, anyway?"

Bella could see now that Gokudera wasn't blocking, the full view of the dark-haired woman. Her black dress was almost a bit plain compared a handful of the other women here, pulling out all the stops before their fellow mafiosos—but something about the simpleness of her attire, from her dark, quiet eyes, to the whispers of curls against the ends of her hair... Bella found herself staring at the female Guardian even more.

Ketsui sighed a little through her nose, a soft sound that didn't sound very exasperated at all. Maybe amused. "My first." She tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear. Bella noticed now two funny strands sticking out at the top of her head in a little X sort of shape. Bed head? "The Violeta Boss. He insisted I drink with him."

Gokudera snapped a cigarette in half, growling a bit under his breath as he tucked it into his pocket and reached for another. "That slimy piece of shit? I thought we told you not to talk to him."

"I thought you said we have to keep up appearances," Ketsui said quietly. Bella almost snorted. She couldn't tell if the monotone was a tease or truth.

Gokudera scowled, placing the cigarette between his teeth. "Not for pieces of trash like him. Pezzo di merda."

The Storm Guardian took out a silver lighter, striking it over and over again with more anger each spin. "If I had to count how many times he keeps calling asking for the Tenth to deploy you or that woman, I'd blow up my own head."

Bella knew exactly who they were talking about. The Violeta's Ninth Boss was a sad excuse of a man and a boss, only involved with the Vongola through the old ties of his father and the Ninth Vongola, it seemed. He was a scoundrel through and through that left behind strings of broken hearts and ruined women. Bad in bed and in the head, Bella's friend liked to say. He liked to think his good looks and status could get him anything, and it seemed his latest victims were the Vongola Decimo's female Guardians.

"Chrome's lucky," Ketsui said absently. Bella watched, blinking repeatedly in surprise as she took Gokudera's lighter from his hand. Bella watched in even wider surprise when Gokudera let her, remaining silent with the cigarette between his lips. "Mukuro scared him off."

Ketsui gently cupped one hand around the lighter, shielding it from the wind. Gokudera turned his face toward her, shifting his body as well. A bit of smoky gray mingled against pitch black locks, and Bella watched with round eyes as the Storm Guardian leaned over Ketsui, eyes lowered as she struck his lighter.

A soft flame flickered out from Ketsui's cupped palm and like that the two pulled apart, still sitting closer than they were before as Gokudera turned his head away and exhaled to the side. Smoke trailed up into the night air.

Oh. Bella thought curiously. Maybe they get along... better than I thought?

Ketsui absently pulled a cigarette free from Gokuedera's box. He watched her in silence, jade eyes half-lidded, exhaling another cloud of smoke into the air as she moved it around her fingers, contemplating before she put it to her lips as well. She reached for Gokudera's lighter.

"Maybe I should let him possess my body too," Ketsui mused quietly. Bella blinked. Possess? What does she mean by— She struck the lighter, eyelashes lowered. "...then he just might—"

Bella clapped her hands over her mouth to stop from gasping.

Gokudera grasped Ketsui by her chin, turning her head a bit rough and a bit soft toward him. Gokudera leaned down, pressing the burning end of his cigarette against Ketsui's unlit one. He kept his fingers on her chin, holding her there.

Gokudera exhaled. A cloud of smoke trailed against their faces, dangerously close to reach other. The burning end of his cigarette burned brighter, catching against Ketsui's and lighting the end.

Ketsui's face was unreadable, quiet and unbothered. There was just a faint, faint twinkle of amusement in her eyes. A hidden little star. Gokudera said nothing, pulling away and leaning back again onto one of his palms as he exhaled another deep cloud up into the air.

"Don't even dare," Gokudera said.

Ketsui inhaled, taking a soft drag of the cigarette before she exhaled a smaller cloud Gokudera's way. The ashy color dispersed into the smoky ends of his hair and he looked over at her with narrowed eyes.

Burning embers from the end of his cigarette fell to the floor between them.

"Bitter," Ketsui said quietly. She stubbed the cigarette out against the fountain concrete. Gokudera wordlessly held out his palm. Ketsui blew on the cigarette butt a few times and dropped it into his hand. He trashed it in his pocket with the other snapped one to throw away later. "Your other brand smelled nicer."

"Shut up, coniglia."

"That isn't really an insult," Ketsui smoothed out her dress, standing up. She grabbed the empty glass and Gokudera took another long drag of the cigarette, savoring it for a moment before he stood up beside her. A whole head and some taller. "Goku-dog."

Gokudera placed one large hand against her waist, half-guiding her as the two of them made their way out of the garden.

"I should drop these into his drink."

"He's a weird one," Ketsui warned. "He might like it knowing I used it."

"Disgusting pig."

"I thought we weren't supposed to cause any trouble for Tsuna?"

"He'd give the order."

"No," Ketsui protested quietly. "Not that kind of order, at least." A bit more thoughtfully she added, "I think he'd think Mukuro was a good idea too."

Gokudera said something in response that didn't sound very nice, their words disappearing as they walked too far out of Bella's hearing range.

The newly minted secretary remained silent, hands still clasped over her mouth to keep any noises from slipping out. She waited a second, then a second longer, before slowly lowering her hands down to her lap.

Bella's cheeks were flushed a bright red, head spinning in disbelief after witnessing the Storm Guardian doing something so—so—so—

She quickly fanned her cheeks harder. She had to keep this to herself. She had no idea Vongola Decimo's Guardians had such a relationship. Who would have known!

Bella couldn't help the small pout over her lips, slumping deeper into the bushes.

And here she'd just started to think the mysterious Black Rabbit of the Vongola was just her type...

-I'll do the rest, heheh

[black-rose-writings]

Reading New Moon - Chapter 19

Race

I’ve only been on a plane twice, nearly 8 years ago, so I don’t have much to say to this.

Exposition time!

That’s a lot of whispering. Again, I haven’t been on a plane in years, but I’m pretty sure they’re rather noisy.

Literally, if anyone overhears, you can just say Alice is writing a book and explaining the lore to you or something. Or a DND campaign.

Alice doesn’t believe Bella won’t do anything dumb. After the last book, I don’t blame her. Or this one, but she wasn’t there to see it.

Alice, in her head: “Edward is being an annoying puritan”.

Bella is so fucking unphased by the concept of her own death at this point, jesus christ. Also, really...? You’ve spent months trying to get over this guy and now you’re hoping to... stalk him forever? Okay?

Edward’s life was saved by not wanting to disappoint Carlisle... okay. And by being a dramatic hoe.

All vampires drive like maniacs. Good to know.

Hol up. Why is the announcement in French when they’re flying to Italy?

The Volturi are also dramatic hoes. All vampires are, I guess. Not surprised.

Final boss dungeon discovered.

[bellaslilpapercut]

Oh boy New Moon! I've got some Thoughts a brewin' babey:

1. Smeyer: you do not need to remind your audience what happened last book, they aren't stupid. Imagine if SC started catching fire with ANOTHER explanation of what the hunger games are and that's the vibe of the first chapters of new moon. We remember james, we know what vampires are, we know that Bella is white, stop reminding us!

2. Bella has the worst self esteem of all time. Every bad thing that has happened to her since the Van Incident has been Edward's fault but she still blames herself and idk if this is Intentional Insecurity or if smeyer is protecting edward's "character" or both but gdamn it's depressing.

3. The reason I said Jasper was Inconsistently Written jumped out at me again. Smeyer dedicated a whole paragraph to pointing out how terrible jasper is at the diet or whatever but in the guide, smeyer tells us jasper actively tried to starve himself in the past because of how difficult his gift made feeding. He was one of only two Cullens to show bella empathy, he smelled her blood before, why does he attack her? The weakness of this decision is pointed out in the exposition: if it really were likely that Jasper would attack Bella, she wouldn't have needed a superfluous paragraph dedicated to telling us how bad he is at self control. If the story had convinced us of that beforehand, we would have believed the attack without the addendum.

4. The party is my least favorite part of the whole series and I will die on this hill: edward should have attacked bella. Bella should have tripped into something glass and edward should have lost it because he tasted her blood before and couldn't help himself. That way: edwards self loathing makes sense and he's forced to recon with his superiority complex from the ending chapters of twilight AND bella's self blame makes sense. A vamp who was able to starve himself before he even heard of the cullens should not have lost it around someone he spent days in close quarters with, building rapport and friendship. Edward got too high and mighty after he fed from Bella in Twilight, that should have had real consequence.

5. The writing is getting a little better as we near Edward leaving. "Better" isn't a good word actually but it's getting closer to the prose in twilight (which was flowery and annoying but at least it didn't constantly feel like being spoonfed exposition every paragraph). Hm wrote this blurb while I was still on chapter 3 and the vibe of being spoonfed reminders has not really dissipated lmfao.

We remember Sam Uley, smeyer, you introduced him four chapters ago. Just quick question: did anyone proofread this?? I think it's fair to say: when she isn't reminding us of things that we remember the prose is more similar to twilight. A little annoying but interesting enough to forgive the errors (or at least move past them easily enough lol).

6. I'm on chapter 8 now (I'm gonna break this up into three parts so I don't forget stuff like I did during the twilight reread) and there's a very heavy Vibe that smeyer is setting Jake up to be a parallel for twilight-era Bella. This line here is a pretty clear parallel for Bella telling Edward not to hold his breath in Twilight when he tells her she might get tired of him.

7. This line here "almost happy in a shallow kind of way" really jumped out. What Bella's narration says about Jacob versus her conversations with him (and her one paragraph about his happiness being effortlessly contagious) are at odds. It doesn't read like shallow happiness when she's with Jake. However, Smeyer is also a bad writer, she thinks the story she's telling us is literally what the narration says and not what the action shows and I think she realizes this in Eclipse (but obviously I'm not there yet so I can't say for sure).

8. I really can't get over the drop in writing quality. I know that she had already mostly finished Forever Dawn by the time Twilight was published (or was halfway done, I think her website said she had over 300 pages of forever dawn complete when she found out Twilight was getting published). I think the writing quality really reveals that she was not prepared to write New Moon. It's sloppier than Twilight in a way I'm not able to articulate (by that I mean I personally have a more intuitive than technical understanding of grammar and syntax so I don't have the language to break down the differences). Twilight itself is ripe with technical errors and plot errors and awkward exposition so it's not an overt drop in quality but I think it very much reads like a rushed writing job. She was committed to forever dawn, her publishers wanted New Moon, it shows.

9. I think New Moon was when I first started physically editing my copies of the saga lol. Even reading it now I'm so tempted to open up a word document and cut half of the useless shit out and fix all the grammatical mistakes. I can't even talk shit because I am also a comma-abuser but I hoped an editor would at least catch the errors before publishing. Guess not! Brevity is very clearly not meyers strong suit and this would have been a much stronger sequel if she had been able to reign herself in a bit. New Moon isn't supposed to be as narration heavy as twilight, there's already more action in the first seven chapters than the there was in the first 19 of twilight but she always delivers exposition via awkward dialogue or Bella's narration. Again, we already got a lot of the exposition in twilight, we know how vampires work et cetera. You can show us how bella feels instead of making her tell us and the story would run a lot more smoothly.

10. I'll end on a nice note! Little treat!

This is my favorite part of the book so far. I whited-out the useless dialogue tag because the line reads better without it ( line originally ends with "I emphasized" but she could have been brief and just ended the dialogue with an exclamation point for the same effect). The dialogue is natural and shows the J/B relationship that lives in my head way better than anything else I've seen on the page at this point. Like, I literally love this line more than any dialogue that preceded it (including twilight) lol.

[centerofstupidity]

Varney the Vampire Chapter 3

If you enjoy the content you are reading, please like and follow the Center of Stupidity blog.

Interested in reading the previous Varney the Vampire chapter snarks? They can be found here. 

Chapter summary: Our intrepid heroes the local village idiots shoot Varney. Of course, Varney is wearing thick plot armor.

Which means we get another chapter where characters standing and talking along with more melodrama.

In the event that this gets flagged, here is another place to read the chapter snark. 

"He is human!" cried Henry;

You just saw a guy with "metallic eyes" whose mouth was "dabbled in blood" after attacking Flora.

But you are still coming to the conclusion that Varney is human...

Wow, somebody has the I.Q. of Bella Swan.

And yes...

I know that prior to this story being published, vampire lore wasn't well known and culturally speaking vampires were a rather new phenomenon in England.

But if somebody saw what Henry had seen, their first thought wouldn't be "That guy was human and not a supernatural creature."

"I have surely killed him."  

He was wearing thick plot armor.

Marchdale agrees and says that they should go outside the wall and find the body.

And here comes a long sentence.

This was at once agreed to,

Hopefully this means we won't have another chapter where characters are just standing around talking to each other.

and the whole three of them made what expedition they could towards a gate

Who knew heading towards a gate was such a strenuous task?

which let into a paddock, across which they hurried, and soon found themselves clear of the garden wall,

According to Merriam Webster, a paddock is usually enclosed area used especially for pasturing or exercising animals.

And the Collins dictionary states that a paddock is a field where horses are kept or exercised.

So why would anyone have a garden next to a paddock?

First of all, you'd be smelling animal droppings.

And the end of the day, somebody would be walking the animals through the garden in order to put them in the stable or barn.

So...

so that they could make way towards where they fully expected to find the body of him

And I bet dollars to doughnuts that they won't find a corpse.

who had worn so unearthly an aspect,

Maybe because he is....

I don't know... Not human!

but who it would be an excessive relief to find was human.

Because a blood-drinking fiend is normal.  

So hurried was the progress they made,

That they were sweating like pigs!

that it was scarcely possible to exchange many words as they went;

Unless they suddenly lost the ability to speak...

They can still talk.

a kind of breathless anxiety was upon them,

Sorry, authors.

I don't care what happens to these people.

and in the speed they disregarded every obstacle,

Because in a potential dangerous situation...

It is sensible to be unaware of one's surroundings.

which would, at any other time, have probably prevented them from taking the direct road they sought.

Is the gate obstructed by litter or debris?

If so, why?

And if not, what would have prevented them from taking the direct route?

It was difficult on the outside of the wall to say exactly which was the precise spot which it might be supposed the body had fallen on; 

Unless Henry has the attention span of a ferret high on crack...

Henry should remember where he shot Varney.

And by knowing that, he could determine where the body should be.

but, by following the wall its entire length, surely they would come upon it.

I bet that they are not going to find a body.

They did so; but, to their surprise,

Found a leprechaun.

they got from its commencement to its further extremity without finding any dead body, or even any symptoms of one having lain there.

Varney is alive!

Well... For a member of the Undead.

At some parts close to the wall there grew a kind of heath,  and, consequently, the traces of blood would be lost among it,

According to Collins Dictionary, a heath is an area of open land covered with rough grass or heather and with very few trees or bushes.

And Merriam Webster defines it as a type of plant or uncultivated land usually with poor and coarse soil.  

Which means they are referring to a type of plant.

So unless it has the magical ability to absorb blood...

The three men should be able to find blood if Varney was wounded.

And now that I'm thinking about it, a vampire plant is a cool idea.

if it so happened that at the precise spot at which the strange being had seemed to topple over, such vegetation had existed.

Ugh. Reading this made my brain hurt.

So there was some vegetation when Varney fell over...

And now it no longer exists.

Even though we were told a few seconds ago that the plants made it impossible to see any blood.

So the three guys walk around the wall twice and they can't find anything.

"It could not have been a delusion," at length said Mr. Marchdale, with a shudder.

Also, that's not how delusions work. 

Just you see something, doesn't mean that it is real. 

And sometimes the delusions are very vivid. 

"Then what terrible explanation can we give?"

This sentence sounds weird. It is because they used the word "terrible". Right now, it sounds like one of the men are asking for a bad explanation. 

I think the correct word would be "other." But as Mark Twain wisely said:

"By heavens! I know not," exclaimed Henry. 

If you knew what was going on, then you wouldn't be bewildered.

"This adventure surpasses all belief, and but for the great interest we have in it, I should regard it with a world of curiosity."

*Takes a deep breath *

That's right, gentlepersons.

A person has been brutally attacked.

But the situation is described as being an "adventure."

Fuck this book with a chainsaw!

"It is too dreadful," said George; "for God's sake, Henry, let us return to ascertain if poor Flora is killed."

You mean that it is a good idea to do an investigation before coming to a conclusion???

"My senses," said Henry, "were all so much absorbed in gazing at that horrible form, that I never once looked towards her further than to see that she was, to appearance, dead. God help her! poor -- poor, beautiful Flora. This is, indeed, a sad, sad fate for you to come to. Flora -- Flora -- "

"Do not weep, Henry," said George. "Rather let us now hasten home, where we may find that tears are premature. She may yet be living and restored to us."

They all agree and hurried back to the house.

Henry, after some trouble, got the hall door opened by a terrified servant, who was trembling so much that she could scarcely hold the light she had with her.

"Speak at once, Martha," said Henry. "Is Flora living?"

  "Yes; but -- "

  "Enough -- enough! Thank God she lives; where is she now?"

Martha says that Flora is in her bedroom and proceeds to freak out.  The three guys rush into the room.

Several lights had been now brought into that antique chamber,

But they clashed with the decor.

and, in addition to the mother of the beautiful girl who had been so fearfully visited,

Somebody placed a creepy clown doll on the nightstand.

there were two female domestics, who appeared to be

using their cell phones and are on Twitter.

in the greatest possible fright,

Because after seeing Flora's mother in a sheer nightgown...

Somethings can't be unseen.

for they could render no assistance whatever to anybody.

Translation?

They are useless.

The tears were streaming down the mother's face,

Because some asshole randomly decided to cut a lot of onions.

and the moment she saw Mr. Marchdale, she clung to his arm,

She was doing a Bella Swan impersonation.

evidently unconscious of what she was about,

Um...

She suddenly doesn't know who she is?

and exclaimed, --

Shitty dialogue mixed with an exposition dump.

"Oh, what is this that has happened -- what is this? Tell me, Marchdale! Robert Marchdale, you whom I have known even from my childhood, you will not deceive me. Tell me the meaning of all this?"

Aside from the "As you know Bob" dialogue...

The mother called Marchdale by his surname and then used his full name.

This doesn't make any sense.

In Victorian times, especially in formal settings, people would be referred to by their surnames or titles.

But if people were friends, they would be calling each other by their first name.

So the mother would be referring to Richard Marchdale as Richard.

Also, just because you know someone from childhood....

It doesn't mean that they are a honest person.

"I cannot," he said, in a tone of much emotion.

"As God is my judge, I am as much puzzled and amazed at the scene that has taken place here to-night as you can be."

And in other news, the Pope is Catholic and bears shit in the woods.

Anyway, the mother bawled her eyes out. I don't blame her.

I would too if I found out that I was a character in a penny dreadful.

"It was the storm that first awakened me," added Marchdale; "and then I heard a scream."

Let's rewind, shall we?

Marchdale asked the two brothers what's going on.

Then Flora started shrieking.

The sound caused Flora's mom to faint.

Marchdale grabs her so she doesn't hit the floor.

He tells Harry/Henry to hold his mother.

Finally, Marchdale cries “Follow me who can!” as he heads towards Flora's room.

What does all this mean?

Flora's mother and the three men heard a noise. Which means, Marchdale wasn't the only one that heard screaming.

Also, Marchdale never previously mentioned that he was awakened by the storm.

Normally, the second point wouldn't be suspicious. But considering the fact that Marchdale lied...

It sounds like he is trying to create an alibi.

In conclusion?

Anyway, the brothers are quivering as they approach the bed. Flora is sitting in bed, being propped up with pillows.

She was quite insensible,

How is this unusual?

It would be MORE surprising if Flora was in a lively mood.

and her face was fearfully pale;

All you need is some glitter, and Flora would be a perfect sparklepire.

while that she breathed

Another vampire failed in killing a damsel in distress.

at all

If Flora doesn't breathe, she would be dead.

could be but very faintly seen.

Um...

People normally don't take deep and heavy breaths.

On some of her clothing,

There was yellow stains.

about the neck, were spots of blood,

How is that possible???

When Varney bit Flora, blood was gushing. 

Which means the nightgown and the bed sheets should be soaked with blood. 

and she looked more like one who had suffered some long and grievous illness,  

You mean when someone is mauled by a vampire, they aren't going to look gorgeous??

Thanks for letting me know!

than a young girl in the prime of life and in the most robust health,

"She was so fit that she could do a triathlon!"

as she had been on the day previous

Because according to Varney the Vampire's logic...

Only healthy people are attacked by vampires.

to the strange scene we have recorded.

It isn't a normal occurrence to be attacked by a vampire.

"Does she sleep?" said Henry

Because the first words that should come out of a person's mouth after someone has been attacked...

Is to ask if they are sleeping.

as a tear fell from his eyes upon her pallid cheek.

Ah, the single tear.

How nauseating.

"No," replied Mr. Marchdale. "This is a swoon, from which we must recover her."

Quick! Somebody fetch the smelling salts!

Active measures were now adopted

Because reviving a damsel in distress is urgent!

Cue the dramatic music!

to restore the languid circulation,

Uh, "languid circulation"?

According to Merriam Webster, languid is defined as being "sluggish" or "lacking in force or quickness in movement."

Correct me if I'm wrong...

If somebody has slow circulation, it means that they have a serious health problem.

and, after persevering in them for some time, they had the satisfaction of seeing her open her eyes.

Instead of being relieved that Flora is awake...

They seem annoyed that it took so long for her to regain consciousness.

Her first act upon consciousness returning,

Was to exclaim her undying devotion to Varney.

however, was to utter a loud shriek,

A shriek is hardly quiet.

and it was not until Henry implored her

"Implored her”?

I guess only a filthy peasant would have used the word begged or pleaded.

to look around her,

To find that the hills are alive with the sound of music.

and see that she was surrounded by none but friendly faces, that she would venture again to open her eyes,

...

.......

Previously, Flora's eyes were already open.

But now, her eyes were closed but she then opened them.

'Ello contradiction!

and look timidly from one to the other.

At least she looked at them "timidly".

It would be unbecoming of a lady to act like a New Woman.

After Flora shuttered, she starts crying and says:

"Oh, Heaven, have mercy upon me -- Heaven, have mercy upon me and save me from that dreadful form."

"There is no one here, Flora," said Mr. Marchdale, 

There is:

Mr. Marchdale

Harry/Henry

George

Flora's mother

Two female servants

In total, there are six people in the room excluding Flora.

What Marchdale meant to say was there is nobody here that will harm her.

But as Mark Twain wisely said:

"but those who love you,

"If they really hated you, they would have buried you alive."

and who, in defence of you, if needs were would lay down their lives."

"Despite the fact that you have the personality of stale toast, we would die to save you."

Now that I'm thinking about it... If this was an Anita Blake book, this would result into a sex scene.

So after Mr. Marchdale's declaration, Flora starts yelling "Oh, God!"

"You have been terrified.

"Mr. Marchdale, why are you repeating the obvious?"

"It is because the authors think that the reader has the IQ of a house plant."

But tell us distinctly what has happened?

Gotta love how they must be told "distinctly".

I guess only peasants would only ask what happened.

You are quite safe now."

"Ignore the fact that while you were mauled by an unholy abomination, we bumblefucked around. But believe me when I say that everything is going to be alright."

She trembled so violently that

She resembled a chihuahua defecating on the lawn.

Mr. Marchdale recommended that some stimulant should be give to her,

Because even though the unholy creature will most likely return to try and suck Flora dry, it is best that she be high as a kite.

and she was persuaded,

Because it is like her mama taught her: when somebody offers free drugs, you accept the offer and then ask for a straw.

although not without considerable difficulty,

Because it was the first time, she stuck a needle in her vein.

to swallow a small portion of some wine from a cup.

Because drinking something is a strenuous task.

There could be no doubt but

First it was certain but now it isn't. 

In conclusion:

that the stimulating effect of the wine

Alcohol is a depressant.  

was beneficial,

Because when someone has been traumatized, the best thing to do is give them booze.

for a slight accession of colour 

According to the Cambridge dictionary, "accession" is a time when a country officially joins a group of countries or signs an agreement. It is also used when someone starts a position of authority especially a king or queen.

While Merriam-Webster defines "accession" as a process that someone rises to a position of power or something being added (such as an acquisition).

Which means that "accession" is not a synonym for "spread" or "blushed."

So in conclusion:

visited her cheeks,

At least it visited her.

A churl would have arrived unannounced.

and she spoke in a firmer tone as she said, --

Spoke is past tense word for speak and said is a past tense word for say.

Both words are used when someone is talking.

Which makes this part of this sentence redundant: . . . colour visited her cheeks, and she spoke in a firmer tone as she said, --

Personally, I would remove re-write the sentence as this:

. . . colour visited her cheeks and she spoke in a firm voice.

  "Do not leave me. Oh, do not leave me, any of you. I shall die if left alone now. Oh, save me -- save me. That horrible form! That fearful face!"

There is only so much melodrama that a person can endure, so I'll try to summarize some of it.

Henry asks Flora what happened. Flora then refuses to tell him.

Her reasoning? If she did that, then she would "ever sleep again."

Eventually, Henry convinces Flora to tell them what had transpired.

She placed her hands over her face for a moment, as if to collect her scattered thoughts,

Last time I checked...

If someone placed their hands over the face, it doesn't stop them from losing their train of thought.

and then she added, --

"By the way, I'm bi."

  "I was awakened by the storm, and I saw that terrible apparition at the window. I think I screamed, but I could not fly. Oh, God! I could not fly. It came -- it seized me by the hair. I know no more. I know no more."

Uh "could not fly"?

Humans don't have wings. Flora should know this.

Honestly, it would make more sense if Flora said that she could not flee.

After Flora runs her hand across her neck several times, Marchdale notices that she has a wound.

After he points out the obvious, Flora's mom freaks out and brings a light closer to the bed. This causes them to all see the wound but it is now only two small puncture marks.

It was from these wounds the blood had come which was observable upon her night clothing.  

Especially since the authors are hell bent on insisting that Flora's wounds are the size of paper cuts.

Since Henry has the same amount of brain cells as Bella Swan, he asks Flora how she got the wounds.

Of course, this causes Flora to reply that she doesn't know but it felt like she "almost bled to death."

 "You cannot have done so, dear Flora, for there are not above half-a-dozen spots of blood to be seen at all."

When Varney bit her, blood gushed.

That does not cause pinprick stains.  

Mr. Marchdale leaned against the carved head of the bed for support, and he uttered a deep groan. All eyes were turned upon him,

Instead of focusing on the vampire victim, we should care about this guy being so anguished.

and Henry said, in a voice of the most anxious inquiry, --

"Have you something to say, Mr. Marchdale, which will throw some light upon this affair."

Instead of a period, there should be a question mark since Henry/Harry is asking Mr. Marchdale something.

Mr. Marchdale then insists that he has nothing to say and that Flora should get some sleep.

  "No sleep -- no sleep for me," again screamed Flora. "Dare I be alone to sleep?"

Anywho… Henry assures Flora that she won't be alone because he will watch over her.

She took his hand in both hers, and while the tears chased each other down her cheeks, she said, –

  "Promise me, Henry, by all your hopes of Heaven, you will not leave me."

  "I promise."

Henry and Flora are siblings.

....

................

Somewhere Cassandra Clare is all hot and bothered.

Anywho…

Flora laid down, sighed, and then closed her eyes.  

"She is weak, and will sleep long," said Mr. Marchdale.

Two things.

Flora being weak? No shit Sherlock.

As for Flora sleeping soundly? That depends. She could have a nightmare and wake up.

  "You sigh," said Henry.

Marchdale didn't sigh. Flora did.

"Some fearful thoughts, I feel certain, oppress your heart."

It can't oppress the heart of the mailman who lives at the end of the street.

  "Hush -- hush!" said Mr. Marchdale, as he pointed to Flora. "Hush! not here -- not here."

  "I understand," said Henry.

  "Let her sleep."

Can she though?

I don’t know about you, but if people were in my bedroom talking and yelling…

It would wake me up.

It turns out that Flora is in a deep slumber. Hard to believe, I know.

The idiots are quiet for a minutes before George says something.

He tells Mr. Marchdale to look at it.

He pointed to the portrait in the frame to which we have alluded,

Translation: Wink wink! The portrait that we subtly pointed out is significant.

and the moment Marchdale looked at it

He thought: "Man, that picture is nightmare fuel."

he sunk into a chair

Because as it turns out, it was a bean bag chair.

as he exclaimed, --  "Gracious Heaven, how like!"

Aside from being redundant...

It is also cringe-worthy.

"It is -- it is," said Henry. "Those eyes -- "

"Pierce right though me."

"I wonder if he is related to my mother in law."

"And see the contour of the countenance,

According to Merriam Webster, contour is a structure of something or is an outline of a irregular figure.

Usually, contour is used to describe architecture or a shape of a car.

Which means the right word to use would be silhouette not contour.

In conclusion:

and the strange shape of the mouth."

"Who knew that someone can have a hexagon shaped mouth?"

"Exact -- exact."

Why is he saying the same word twice?

 "That picture shall be moved from here.

The correct word is portrait.

A picture can be a representation of a building, a landscape, or a person.

While a portrait is a painting or a picture of a person, especially the head and the shoulders.

In conclusion?

The sight of it is at once sufficient to awaken all her former terrors in poor Flora's brain if she should chance to awaken and cast her eyes suddenly upon it."

Too verbose.

It would be better if he just said "The sight of it will frighten Flora if she wakes up and looks at the portrait."

"And is it so like him who came here?" said the mother.

Why does everyone in the story have the same amount of brain cells as Bella Swan?

In case you are wondering, Bella has four brain cells.

Of course Marchdale confirms that yes, it is the same person.

"I have not been in this house long enough to ask any of you whose portrait that may be?"

Wait a tick...

Marchdale is a friend of Flora's mother.

So he must have been to the house multiple times.

Which means that the first part of the sentence is absolute horseshit.

As for the second part?

It makes sense that Marchdale didn't see the portrait since it is in Flora's bedroom.

A man entering a lady's bedroom that isn't a doctor would have created a scandal.

"It is," said Henry, "the portrait of Sir Runnagate Bannerworth, an ancestor of ours, who first, by his vices, gave the great blow to the family prosperity."

"Sir Runnagate Bannerworth"?

Reginald, Reynard, and Rupert are actual names.

Runnagate is not.

A quick Google search reveals that runagate is a word meaning "runaway", "vagabond", or "fugitive".

So bravo authors.

You have the subtlety of Stephenie Meyer.

"Indeed. How long ago?"

  "About ninety years."

  "Ninety years. 'Tis a long while -- ninety years."

It is really annoying when characters repeat stuff that that the reader already knows.

Aside from being redundant...

It is also treats the reader like they are an idiot who need everything to be spelled out in 72 pt Times New Roman font.

"You muse upon it."

  "No, no. I do wish, and yet I dread -- "

  "What?"

"To say something to you all. But not here -- not here. We will hold a consultation on this matter to-morrow. Not now -- not now."

Part of this chapter was dedicated to talking about Flora and the vampire.

'Ello continuity error!

Anyway... Henry tells everyone else they can go to bed because he is going to watch over Flora.

Of course, he describes it keeping "my sacred promise".  Can anyone say melodramatic?

Henry also adds that "The daylight is coming quickly on."

"I will fetch you my powder-flask and bullets," said Mr. Marchdale; "and you can, if you please, reload the pistols. In about two hours more it will be broad daylight."

First, the daylight is quickly approaching.

But now it is going to appear in two hours.

Which is it authors?

This arrangement was adopted.

It was placed with a loving family.

Henry did reload the pistols, and placed them on a table by the side of the bed, ready for immediate action,

In other words...

You only reload a gun if you are intending to use it.

  and then, as Flora was sleeping soundly,

It is still pretty impressive that she is sleeping...

Considering the fact that people are talking and moving around.

all left the room but himself. Mrs. Bannerworth was the last to do so.

She would have remained,

Because mommy dearest was busy reading the newspaper.

but for the earnest solicitation of Henry,

At least the solicitation was sincere.

Because if it wasn't, it should be refused out of principle.

that she would endeavour to get some sleep to make up for her broken night's repose,

...

..........

Why can't the authors just say that Henry pleaded with his mother go to bed?

It is much more concise than this verbose sentence.

  and she was indeed so broken down by her alarm on Flora's account,

How is this surprising?

It would be alarming if Flora's mother acted annoyed that Flora survived.

that she had not power to resist,

Before, Flora's mom wanted to stay.

Now she can't wait to leave.

Because only losers care about consistency!

but with tears flowing from her eyes,

Um...

Do tears flow anywhere else?

she sought her own chamber.

How is that unusual? People usually have their own bedroom.

Unless they are sharing a room with someone.

...

Now I can't help but wonder if Flora's mother wanted to spend the night with Marchdale.

Think that couldn't happen? Plenty of bad romance novels have a scene where a man comforts a woman and it results in sex.

And now the calmness of the night

There was inclement weather.

Hell, it was described as being the storm of the century.

resumed its sway

At least it swayed.

We don't want it standing idly by.

in that evil-fated mansion;

Because any horror writer knows, a good story always sucks the suspense out!

and although no one really slept but Flora,

Because most people would be sleeping soundly after a monster entered their home and attacked someone!

all were still.

They were practicing the pose used by many Mary Sues: wait around until life showers them with happiness.

Busy thought kept every one else wakeful.

And in other news: people will eventually die and karma is a bitch.  

It was a mockery to lie down at all,

They all must have hated Flora.

Because they are "still."

and Henry, full of strange and painful feelings as he was,

If this was a Philippa Gregory novel, these emotions would be incestuous.

preferred his present position

Because angst makes him feel alive!

to the anxiety and apprehension

That the reader is supposed to be feeling but frankly doesn't give a damn.

on Flora's account

Rather than the account of Miss Smith, a spinster who is the local librarian.

which he knew he should feel if she were not within the sphere of his own observation,

...

Because two pistols are enough to stop a member of the Undead. Logic be damned!

and she slept as soundly

All thanks to Nyquil!

as some gentle infant tired of its playmates and its sports.

Because a vampire victim should be compared to a tired infant.

*Takes a deep breath *

Thankfully, this chapter finally ends.

[peanutdracolich]

Peanut Dracolich watches (Hammer) Horror: Dracula Has Risen From the Grave

The fourth Hammer Horror Dracula film, the third with the magnificent Christopher Lee as Dracula, and the 2nd in which he speaks. The film was at its heart a Hammer Horror Dracula story, possessing the trappings of the Romanian wilderness, the small town plagued by Dracula, and so forth. In fact the film in many ways echoed the original Dracula story. There’s Dracula, the morally loose first victim, the morally upstanding second victim dragged in by his spell, her lover who must vanquish the vampire to keep his girl from being seduced away by Dracula’s dark powers.

What sets the film apart is the sexual charge. Vampires are full of sexual metaphors, but this film makes it overt (though not explicit). It all lies just beneath the surface where only a true innocent would miss it. Maybe it’s the era of film (I’ve not watched many 60s 70s vampire films) and the sexual liberation that American cinema has backslid from, but it really brings out those sexual metaphors.

This sexual charge is not really bad, it’s not gratuitous boobs for the sake of boobs, and it is not overt enough to just be erotica. Still it actually surprisingly avoids the female vampire, instead preferring displaying the addictive and yet abusive and sexually predatory nature of vampirism and makes me want to look for metaphors about unsavory relationships and think about the basic metaphor implicit in the young suitor saving his beloved from moral degeneration of being a ‘loose’ woman. I’d say that might be more an alchemical reaction that the film alone cannot be blamed for, but its choice of an atheist hero sets the stage for it even better.

And of course you have Christopher Lee offering another excellent performance as Dracula, and bringing an unrivaled charisma for the role (I find Bella Lugosi’s Dracula lacking by comparison, and even as a youth the film made me want to read the book because it had to be better). The other actors while not having Lee’s sheer Presence give enjoyable performances and the film while not being scary (it’s a vampire film it’s not supposed to be scary unless you’re scared of a foreign count coming and taking your woman because you’re a wimp and then abusing her) has its fearsome moments. Over all the film was quite enjoyable, and definitely superior to the others in the series (save perhaps the original, though to give a true assessment I’d have to watch them close to each other).

Good/Bad/Ugly and play by play below.

The Good:

Christopher Lee: I have never seen an actor more fit for the role of Dracula than Christopher Lee. I can honestly believe that he could stare you in the eye and hypnotize you, and has the dark charisma to compel a man of god to his bidding. Christopher Lee was going to make the movie on his own and he does.

The Sexual Charge: I found it quite effective for creating an impact and getting me thinking about vampires as sexual metaphors.

The Atheist Hero... and Renfield Priest: The film just had a good choice of roles. While they are basically analogous to roles in the original book (this is most true for Zena and Maria as Dracula’s victims and the loose woman with many suitors and the faithful woman torn from her love). Still while the actresses are charming, able to make small actions expressive without need for directly telling us feeling, I’m not really talking about the acting. From a story view I liked the atheist vampire slayer and the lapsed priest forced to serve the Dark Count.

The Bad:

Cliche: The story is, admittedly, rife with cliche and easily dismissed as just another Dracula story. Sexual charge alone doesn’t really make it horribly unique, but the film was well done and of its period and type an excellent one. Still it’s full of the cliche of its genre and does not edge outside in any particular aspect.

The Ugly:

Dracula’s Death: While the scene is actually beautiful and enjoyable, he comes off looking sort of suddenly so much less at the end which is sort of disappointing.

The Play by Play:

We begin with a lava lamp. It is supposed to be a creepy backdrop for the opening credits, but it's generic horror music (as expected from Hammer Horror) and a lava lamp.

 We find a church and the rope for the church bell is covered in elderberry juice! Oh no. Berry juice. Our whistling finder of said juice goes to see who has been pressing berries in the bell and begins to scream, not telling the priest what he has found for he is far too shocked. I joke around but while we know there's something up there (and this is the 60s they can't be too grotesque in showing a body, we don't know what for a good time and when we do see it's a woman, upside down, blood flowing from her throat where a vampire's teeth had killed her.

 We get some exposition from the new comer, a priest of the church visiting the valley that was the domain of Dracula till his death one year ago.

 He finds the church with no priest saying mass, the priest drinking in the tavern instead, and the church boy a mute.

 The man come to check on the town is pissed at the town for not attending church, and disbelieves that there is still evil in the castle that can reach into the House of God. Or at least he does before the villagers, when dealing with just the priest he is far more accepting (though still seems disbelieving that it's anything more than superstition) and he intends to prove there is no evil still there.

 The mood is suitably creepy. The film is not going for shock and terror, but a sort of creep and dread (as is the nature of older horror films). The music is well not ineffective, but not anything great and a little too obvious. It puts me in mind of a group traveling in a Ravenloft adventure of D&D... which isn't itself a bad thing... And the local priest just collapsed on the journey. Somehow despite leaving at dawn they arrive near dark and the superior priest goes the final way alone for his companion refuses to continue.

 There is dread here. Something will happen to this priest as he prays before the dark castle of the archvampire. A storm begins, the lightning as fake as the mountains, and the local priest tumbles down from where he watches a far ways off; hitting the ice which encased Dracula in the last film, and cracking it unconscious from a head wound. Blood trickles down to Dracula, and the superior priest returns to look for the local one, disgusted that he has been drinking and seemingly assuming he wandered off drunk.

 We know better. And we now know that while a mirror will not reflect a vampire a pool of water will.

 Lee does nothing more than stand and glower but he remains an imposing figure, the intensity of his look almost something supernatural. This is Lee's unique power.

 The superior from the Catholic church returns to the town believing he has done his duty, and asks after the priest, and prepares to leave. The townsfolk claim the priest returned and left, and we see the priest is now Dracula's creature, and Dracula cannot enter his castle with that golden cross sealing it. He must have his revenge.

 The film shows us the priest and his... well she seems to be his wife, but eventually it assures us she is not and in fact implies she's more likely his brother's widow... and it is his niece's birthday and she is having a young man over. One training to be a shirtless doctor, got to get some beefcake in.

 Oh and we also see Dracula and his new minion digging up the corpse of the woman from the opening. She's rather rotted and it's sort of fan disservice. Still the scene is good, chilling, and for the time a bit revolting.

 Still we see the local tavern. It is far more boisterous than that in Dracula's village. The waitress is jealous that our doctor to be (now in a suit) is going out with someone else. Apparently she likes all the guy flirting with her and has 'more boyfriends than she can count' and takes that with pride. We also see our heroine, the lovely Maria. She's got a very nice looking face, lovely blonde hair, a fetching heroine.

 We learn something horrible about our protagonist, Paul, something that truly shocks and amazes Maria's mother and uncle, he is an Atheist. The priest has limits to how far he values honesty, and blasphemy crosses them. I wonder if Paul will still be an atheist by the end of the film.

 I also wonder how long until our saucy barmaid becomes a bride of Dracula.

 Paul gets drunk, Zena (the saucy barmaid) takes him to bed, kisses him, and starts to undress him when Maria comes... even after she decides to cup a feel of his crotch. She is rather disappointed that Maria drives her away. I mean he'd sort of invited while merely nearing black out drunk, but he was past remembering that and at the 'why are you in my room' stage of black out drunk.

 Still our waitress leaves the tavern and begins the walk home alone in the dark, a walk that leads her pass Dracula's carriage. When it begins to follow her she reasonably starts to run, when it speeds up she runs into the woods (also reasonably). The woods are wide spaced and it doesn't help but it's reasonable. And she does manage to lose it, diving through a row of bushes. This simply leads her to walking up to Dracula where she is paralyzed with shock and his gaze. She does not resist his embrace.

 She returns to the tavern before morning, dressed in her shift and a light cloak, and hiding her bite. She is cranky though more afraid that her bit will be seen. She hides it with a scarf before day proper. Dracula's priestly creature tries to rent a room, and the tavern keeper tries to say they have none... but Zena (having recognized him from the night before) speaks up despite (creepy) priests being bad for business. And Paul tells Dracula's pet priest that the Monsignor has a niece. Zena and the priest is interesting to watch. She is torn, she fears him, knows that he was part of her attack the night before. He makes her neck itch. Yet she cannot bring herself to reveal it, and in fact worked to ensure he would be there. It's an effective way to show how she is drawn to him, or more him through his master, even as she fears him and feels revulsion and an unclean self-disgust at the entire thing.

 A leg would have gone up were a cat not on them, an intense showing of Dracula. And I am reminded that more perhaps than even Lugosi's Dracula, vampires from the 80s till Twilight tried to invoke Lee's tall, dark, and intensely charismatic count.

 Zena is jealous of Maria once again when Dracula reveals that he wants her. 'What do you want her for, you've got me'. It's a parasitic, twisted relationship, but the sexuality of the vampire-victim dynamic is highly visible in this film. I mean it's been part of Vampires as long as they've shown up in the English language, but vampirism as a destructive, abusive relationship is rather displayed here without it being too 'treats you like an idiot and explains it' about it.

 Zena grabs Maria and hands her over to Dracula. Paul finds out that Maria came looking for him and everyone assumes she's with him... not staring into Christopher Lee's hypnotic (though in this film overly bloodshot) eyes. Only Paul's arrival scares off Dracula enough that she escapes... for a time.

 "You have failed me" So much menace in his voice. Christopher Lee reminds me of nothing so much as Darth Vader (on a good day of Vader's) here. And then the understated "You must be punished" just sends chills. Zena pleads for mercy, asking why he needs Maria when he has her, he has her! It's a good scene, and one which is intense.

 Zena is turned completely, but the priest is tasked with killing Dracula's new creation by shoving her into the fire that heats the bakery's stove. It's an effective scene. The film is an effective film. It's the best of the Hammer Horror films other than probably Horror of Dracula that I've seen.

 Maria is ashamed to go home in a state where her mother might see what has happened to her and how distraught she is at it. She hides her assault from her family for the shame of it all.

 No one seems to notice that the priest is acting drugged. I mean given the period and his position as a priest, and the lack of our knowledge of what's actually happening it's understandable.

 Still we get more of Maria's family assuming she was just sleeping around with her boyfriend that they disapprove of, and not that she was the victim of sexual assault. And hints that she may have actually been bitten, just not on the neck itself. Dracula arrives and you see Maria's fearousal, and despite initial fear after looking into his (no longer bloodshot) eyes she yields to him, a face of rapture as he does not quite kiss her, though she years for it, and then... he bites. It's the vampire's bite as sex in its pretty purest form. Highly charged with eroticism, elements of seduction mixing with assault, it's intense and functional.

 Maria's uncle, the Monsignor, finds the bite on her throat and he knows what it is; he failed at Dracula's castle and in so doing has somehow drawn Dracula's wrath upon him.

 As is the cliché in the Dracula tale they close Maria's window for her, but do not watch her and she of course opens it to invite Dracula in, baring her throat to him and a bit of her chest, waiting in eager rapture... only to be saved from Dracula when her uncle bursts into the room with a crucifix leading to her mute and disappointed seeming relaxation. Also Lee's eyes are super bloodshot again. The chase is good.

 It plays with the normal symbols of the vampire story quite entertainingly in that Paul is an atheist. I mean usually the vampire is... he is the foreigner, the man who has no moral standing in the social order, who is corrupting the young women of the land with his dark ways and sexual nature. The traditional story as crafted by Stoker uses the loose woman with many suitors (Lucy, Zena) and then the chaste and holy one (Wilhelmina, Maria). And in the latter though Dracula gets a foothold upon her soul, and leaves her soiled, in the end she breaks off the affair and becomes a good, proper, chaste, and virtuous woman more devoted to her husband for the ordeal. She is more devout for it, more reliant upon being righteous and walking with God and faithful to her husband. Here we see a movement away from that religious aspect of virtue, a little death of God as the moral arbiter. The Priest is Renfield, and the Atheist is a servant of truth and virtue without God.

 Oh and I skipped a (good quality) bit, but Paul is now standing in for God to force the priest back onto the path of righteousness. Paul stakes Dracula in an anti-climax, but is told that he must pray. Dracula pulls the stake from his chest for without Christian faith it cannot kill him (so that's time to back some of the prior. Fire though is a weapon that can still harm him... and Maria is coming for Dracula, coming to be his bride. Dracula casually, disdainfully even, defeats Paul, and declares his revenge complete as he leads Maria away.

 Paul takes a horse and rides to Dracula's village and we get... more good scenes.

 The music builds well as Dracula makes Maria unseal his castle, throwing her like an abusive boyfriend and ordering her to remove the blasted cross.

 Paul arrives, and his call to her combined with the recent abuse snaps her from the spell momentarily and he wrestles with Dracula, causing the vampire and him to tumble over the railing, Dracula being impaled upon the same cross he could not remove. Finally the Renfield Priest uses pray and the vampire is defeated. The scene is both anti-climatic and effective and Maria is freed.