#bless my bf for following me around all day taking photos

[simply-slytherin]

The 5th year arrives...

More photos from my Hogwarts Legacy MC cosplay!

[youcantundothepast]

javid headcanons

hey so I haven’t updated in forever (I have reasons just not good ones ngl) (also I’ve been absent on all of my blogs so don’t think y’all are special ;))

but for now here are some wholesome Javid (modern) headcanons that aren’t really supposed to be anything in particular they’re just kind of cute

they skip around from high school to married life and everything in between

also this is so long because I love imagining my two pure boys in love

tw: idk why but there’s more cussing than usual (but I wouldn’t consider it excessive)

———————

- okay so first off, Davey is a mess

- like how does one date??? like he can barely stand his own life how can he share it with someone else????

- especially someone so perfect nice like Jack

- but this isn’t Jack’s first rodeo and God bless him he just smiles when Davey’s awkward and will kiss his cheek or something and Davey will never be sure how he landed someone so nice perfect

- they don’t like the hassle of splitting the bill on dates so they alternate on who pays for the date

- Davey brought Jack sunflowers once for his designated date day and on Jack’s next designated date day, Davey received a painting of said flowers

- as they continuously date, though, they begin learning each other’s favorite flowers

- like Jack loves stargazer lilies but Davey can’t have lilies because of Sarah’s cat, Cheerio (never forget Cheerio)

- Davey favorite flowers are baby’s breath

- on prom night, Sarah and Katherine surprise the two with matching stargazer/baby’s breath boutonniere and they just go soft

- OKAY BUT DAVEY GETS SO SAD AT THE END OF PROM NIGHT BECAUSE HE’LL HAVE TO THROW IT AWAY BECAUSE CHEERIO GETS INTO EVERYTHING SO HE JUST THROWS IT IN THE TRASH AND THEN ON HIS

- AND JACK’S WEDDING DAY, JACK SURPRISES HIM BY SHOWING THE TWO MATCHING BOUTONNIERES now pressed and dead BUT HE CAN’T HELP BUT BE SPEECHLESS BY HIS NOW HUSBAND AND AHHHH

- “wait... oh my God I kissed you that night after you went dumpster diving!”

- also real quick, Sarah is Davey’s “best man” and he’s all like Sarah, you can wear a dress, you don’t have to wear a suit like Jack’s best man (Crutchie)

- and Sarah just glared and is like “bitch don’t take this from me”

- she was the best looking in the wedding photos rocking her amazing suit btw

- but back to when they’re just bfs

- when they first start being together Davey isn’t really sure what to think because they’re more than friends, but is it right to say Jack’s his boyfriend yet? (they hadn’t even had their first kiss yet)

- so he goes for a few weeks with them just have a few dates (are they dates though???) until Jack calls him his boyfriend in front of the other newsies (because he can register Davey’s apprehensiveness so he makes the first move)

- and Davey is just like ???!!?!!

- “you- you just called me the-the” and he can’t even register at the moment because the heart eyes are strong

- and Jack is just grinning and is just like “yeah, I just called you the b word. That’s okay with you right?”

- And Davey could just melt into a puddle and is internally like “HOLY SHIT WTF WHAT IS GOING ON I AM GOING TO IMPLODE BEFORE I DESERVE THIS NERD” but he just holds Jack’s hand and kisses the top of it and is like “yeah, I consider you my b word too”

- then Race says whispers “my bitch” to Spot and ruins the whole moment

(okay that sounded so awkward with the whole b word thing but I really wanted to make that joke because I love that meme(?) so allow me)

- their first kiss took a lot of time to build up to, but they both wanted to make sure it’d be perfect so it was on their last day of Junior year and they just spend thirty seconds afterwards just staring into each other’s eyes with their foreheads touching while holding the other’s hands

- Katherine takes a picture of the “first kiss aftermath” posts it to instagram (with their permission) with the caption “FINALLY!!!” with a billion heart emojis

- everyone who didn’t know the two were together scream in the comments

- Jack has to make a follow up post of Davey kissing his cheek and him winking with a huge smile of his face with the caption “my boyfriend ❤️”

- Race, ofc, comments “I thought he was your bitch”

- they’re not really into PDA except simple hand holding and small pecks on lips/face every so often

- Jack’s favorite sign of affection is rubbing his thumb along the top of Davey’s hand especially when Davey gets really anxious because it helps him calm down and remember to breathe

- Davey loves to run his hands through Jack’s hair because it is so soft and sometimes Jack won’t cut it for a while and it’ll curl at the ends and Davey loves playing with them

- they usually only do this though when in private or around close friends because they feel like they’re shoving their relationship down people’s throats with obvious actions

- sometimes someone like Finch will fake gag and Katherine will punch him and he won’t do it again because damn Katherine punches hard

- Jack’s favorite dates are when they just order take out and sit on the couch all night to watch movies

- Jack has made Davey’s watch Brother Bear probably 300 times, but while Jack loves every second of the movie, Davey just smiles and powers through

- it is a good movie though (go watch it if you haven’t you are going to cry your eyes out)

- Davey likes to watch the action movies and superhero movies like Marvel

- (they totally went to see Infinity War and Davey was so broken after like he just stayed in bed cuddling with Jack for hours balling his eyes out)

- (then they went to see Ant-man and the Wasp and the cycle repeated)

- Davey’s favorite dates though are packing some sandwiches and apples/chips and just going to the park and having a picnic or going stargazing

- in NYC, they don’t see many stars so for Davey’s birthday, Jack picked him up in the middle of the night once and drove them to the middle of nowhere to stargaze

- for Jack’s birthday, Davey wants to do something special, but isn’t really sure what to do until Sarah gives him an idea

- it’s Jack’s 18th birthday so he gets a big box and fills it up with “18 things I love about you” and Jack cries reading the little notes Davey writes

- it’s things like a box of new color pencils with a note saying “you add so much color to the lives of everyone you meet” and also a fidget spinner with a note taped on saying “once start something, you won’t quit until it’s finished. but you also get annoying pretty quick ;)” so it’s just a bunch of useless junk but the sentiment and thoughtfulness of it is what makes it special

- did I say Jack cried? I meant to say Jack BAWLED

- like some of the little tear marks never came out of the pieces of paper

- when they decide they want to get married, they just kind of propose to each other

- like one night they are just like “hey, here’s a wild idea, but I love you like a lot and want to spend the rest of my days with you so let’s get married”

- and a month later, they surprise each other with rings so they both have engagement rings

- (low key inspired by AKB/Scott Bixby because that shit is adorable)

- but every relationship has to have some turbulence but it took me a while to come up with something because I don’t want these boys to be mad at each other :(

- so first off, they don’t argue long about the stupid stuff because they realized early that none of that is worth it because they make each other happy and that’s rare to come by these days

- but there are some persistent things they argue about ike Davey never taking care of himself (especially during their college days)

- poor boy doesn’t get enough sleep :(

- Jack’s hamartia is the fact that he can’t stand injustice/assholes

- so he’s often come home with a bloody lip or black eye

- Davey understands, but he wishes Jack wouldn’t get himself hurt so much

- (so they basically both have the same problem they just experience it in different ways)

- it’s when Jack calls Davey from jail when they have a big fight

tw: vague attempted sexual assault

- “A bar fight? What the hell, Jack?!”

- it was the worse Davey had ever seen him with his jaw swollen and bruises littering his whole body

- “Not my fault that motherfucker-“

- “You can’t just fight anyone who is rude or is racist! I hate people like that too, but you can’t punch them a few times and expect them to change in an instant. Some fights you just shouldn’t pick!”

- Jack had never seen Davey so mad so he takes a deep breath and reaches through the bars of the holding cell and grabs Davey’s shoulder calmly

- “Dave... the drink was drugged. I saw the guy put somethin in the woman’s drink when I was passin by the bar. I warned her, but then he came up and started makin a scene. Started making him the victim. He practically demanded that I let him take the girl home as if I could give him permission. Poor girl was so shocked and scared, and he wasn’t backin off. It was just me and him for a while and then his buddies showed up. Some other people tried to help me, and then the cops showed up. Fuckers pinned it all on me and I was in here before I could even let a word out.”

- Davey is speechless by Jack’s story and he was pretty sure he fell in love all over again

- “I jus hope that girl’s okay. She was cryin when I was being put into car in handcuffs. The other guy was only brought in for questioning. Said I was the one who started it and they believed me, saying only kids my age would start trouble like that. Apparently he’s a mechanic at the building down the road. Probably gives these cops discounts or somethin. It’s a load of shit if you ask me.”

- “I know, Jack. Let’s just get you out of here so you can heal up. Knowing you, you’ll probably have another black eye soon enough. Have to heal this one up so you don’t keep the next one waiting.”

- when they’re in their car, Davey reaches across and kisses his swollen jaw

- “I’m sorry about yelling at you, I didn’t know. You’re an amazing person, I should’ve known you wouldn’t just get in a random fight.”

tw over

- ahhh they’re so in love!!!!

- the best thing though is that they’re each other’s support systems

- like every night they go to bed and just cuddle and whenever one has had a bad day, the other will just open their arms and hug them and kiss them for as long as they need

- there’s just so much reassurance and small little compliments between the two

- a lot of stuff has happened during their lives and sometimes it just catches up to them, but the other is always there to catch him

- it’s just full of all-rounded, pure-hearted goodness

[straytears]

Spending Christmas Time with Stray Kids

group: stray kids

synopsis: Spending Christmas Time with Stray Kids

authors note: I decided to write another headcannon (idk what it’s called tbfh) just because it’s my favourite time of the year but I swear it didn’t even turn out that christmassy or even good bc I suck at sticking to themes and i’m a mess when it comes to these types of formats. But I’d just like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! Please remember to stay safe and happy, you all deserve it 💖  

credits: all gifs are mine, sorry for the low ass quality too :)

word count: 2.2k

➵ masterlist

Chan

- this boi would use the Christmas time as an excuse to pull out all his boyfriend looks

- so expect a heap of his oversized and cosy jumpers with sweater paws

- would 10/10 be the type to lay your head on his lap near the fireplace and just stroke your hair until you fall asleep

- but is also the type to lay his head on your shoulder just for aesthetic purposes

- would spoil you as if he’s your sugar daddy

- his gifts would not only be expensive, but sentimental and full of inside jokes as well

- you guys would bake cookies and other holiday treats for the rest of the members

- would purposely get frosting on your face just so he can kiss it off

- “there was something on your face babe.”

- would take you to meet his family when he goes back to Australia

- always cuddling in order to keep each other warm

- not in Australia tho, bc if he tried that shit on you, you’d probably slap him bc it’s too hot

- 100% would buy matching thick knit sweaters just for the holiday season

- wouldn’t be surprised if one of your present’s was a song dedicated to you

Woojin

- boi would definitely serenade you with Christmas songs

- would wake you up by playing Christmas songs on his guitar by the foot of your bed

- you thought you died in your sleep and woke up to angels serenading you with their harps and mesmerising voices

- this boi would love spoiling you in general, but even more so during the holiday time

- expect extravagant gifts like a guitar or some new shoes bc this boi would lay down his life and constantly goes above and beyond to show how much he loves and cherishes you

- late nights in his room just learning songs on the guitar or singing together

- it’s not always serious singing tho, your guys’ jamming sessions can either be a full blown concert or just one where you are laying on his bed like a starfish while he aggressively bangs his head to the random strumming of his guitar

- I can 100% see him being the type to take you ice skating

- he’d be so patient on teaching you how to ice skate

- never gives up on you and always catches you when you fall or stumble

- would probably write you a little message about what he loves about you on the 25 days leading up to christmas

- on the final day, he sings to you his song that he composed just for you and when you hear the lyrics, you realise it’s the 24 things he loves about you

- enjoys sitting in front of the fireplace with your head on his shoulder whilst leaning his head on top of yours, hands intertwined

Minho

- the type to wrap your presents in bundles instead of traditional gift wrapping paper or bags

- Minho strikes me as the type to be really sentimental with gifts so he’d really think hard about what he was going to buy you

- have y’all seen the scene in me before you where Will buys Louisa her Bumblebee tights?

- yeah, you opening your presents from him will go down in a way similar to that

- would wear his circle glasses 24/7 during this time bc it makes him look like actual boyfriend goals

- would buy matching hoodies to wear

- constantly holding your hand in order to keep them from being cold

- would serenade you with cheesy ass Christmas songs

- would also slow dance with you to jazzy Xmas music like Michael Bublé

- also loves to hug you front on and kiss your forehead

- SWEATER PAWS THRU HIS HOODIE SLEEVES MAN

- lowkey would get jealous when you’re opening your gifts from the other members because of the way your face lights up

- feels so blessed nonetheless bc he managed to get a girl as beautiful and kind as you are

Changbin

- would buy you a plushie so then you didn’t feel lonely and left out when he cuddles gyu

- also buys you a matching plushie keychain so the plushie keychan gyu he got from you wouldn’t be lonely

- would take you to spend Christmas holidays with his family

- you’d learn how to be an aegyo master from his mum

- his family and yourself would probably go out to places with Christmas decorations just to admire their beauty and get to know each other better

- not really one for couple’s outfits but will make an exception during the Christmas break

- 100% be up for back hugs to keep warm

- always holding your hand and rubbing the back of it with his thumb

- bc it’s hella cold, he’ll blow into your hands to keep them warm

- for his christmas gift, you give him pastel clothes bc he all about the ‘dark’ concept

- still prefers to cuddle gyu instead of you during the nights

- tbh tho, as much as he doesn’t like to admit, he’s just a big softie behind that dark exterior

- melts when he sees you huddled on the couch in an oversized jumper with knitted socks

- would love when you wear beanies and would make you wear a santa or elf hat on christmas day

Hyunjin

- endless teasing if you weren’t able to put the star on top of the Christmas tree

- would also refuse to help you in any way at first bc he’s that type of bf but then he’d lift you on his shoulders so you can reach the top

- tbfh, if he ran out of ideas, he’d probably just put kkami in a box a minute before gift giving and hand it over to you bc he knows just how much you love the dog

- SWEATER PAW GAME STRONG

- would buy you oversized clothes just so your sweater paw game could be on par with his

- your dates during Christmas time would include going to aesthetic places so he can take photos of you like the professional photographer he is

- would love to also take candid photos of you in comfy clothes around the dorms 

- or when you’re just pigging out on food

- one of your gifts would probably be an album full of photos that he took that year, both candid and posed for

- would teach you a choreography to a christmas remix song

- most probably the jingle bells dance from mean girls

- would go to dog cafés with kkami so kkami can mingle with new doggies

- you guys would shop together to buy kkami some cute christmas outfits

- y’all would have a designated outfit for kkami on the 25 days leading up to christmas

Jisung

- clingy af 

- even more clingy with you than he is with jeongin

- deadass not even joking, this shit is 10x intensified during the holiday season

- would never let you go and would probably tie one of your sweater arms together

- constantly back hugging you bc he claims it’s the best way to stay happy and safe during the holidays

- 100x more smiley too

- would be the type of boyfriend to give you a handmade gift such as a self-composed rap explaining his gratitude for all you’ve done for him

- also, bc he loves Jeongin more than he loves you, he’ll probably forget to notice you whenever he’s in the room

- jks, but fr tho

- the rest of the members lowkey highkey feel for you bc Jisung loves you so much to the point where he’s always attached to you

- meanwhile, Jeongin is relieved af bc he doesn’t have to worry about Jisung kissing his cheek outta the blue

- but you’re all for Jisung’s clinginess bc you just find it so endearing and cute

- he’s honestly like a lost puppy following you around

- is always doting on you during this season

- randomly shows up to your door with food and christmas pastries

- cuddles are what he lives for and bc it’s getting colder, he can now do it every night without the worry of sweating and overheating

Felix

- being a meme is a 24/7, 365 day job

- just bc it’s holiday season, it doesn’t mean memelix will rest

- expect to wake up to a meme from felix on Xmas day

- tbfh, don’t be surprised to open your gift box from him and see a photo of a meme in it

- would be the type to come into your room and ring a bell in your ear just to wake you up

- all of this would be done in a full elf outfit, complete with the pointed shoes 

- would love to curl up in a fluffy blanket with you to watch christmas movies and stuff your faces with his favourite snacks

- your dates would include going to cafés to taste all the different kind of seasonal pastries and dishes

-  like Chan, he’d take you home to Australia to meet his parents and family

- would love that you automatically clicked with his younger and older sister

- recommends the types of Australian lollies to eat

- teaches you to eat Vegemite the wrong way

- you look over to him and see him eating it the right way and he only turns to you with a meme ass face

- would take you for a ride on his kangaroo and show off his kanga riding skills

- if you’re not aussie, he’d teach you some slang so you’re not lost when you get to Australia and can go find help at the nearest Macca’s. 

Seungmin

- my boi seungmin

- pls take care of him

- give him constant cuddles and kisses

- anyways, seungmin would be like minho in a sense that he puts so much thought into what he’s going to buy you

- he gives me the vibe of a really good listener and would probably remember you saying you wanted this type of thing in one of your earlier conversations and end up getting that for you

- christmas day, you guys would show up in your matching chunky knit sweaters with your sweater game stronger than minho’s

- santa hats ftw

- would take you for a walk in the park to admire the lights and just bask in your presence

- wouldn’t expect to get anything from you bc you yourself is enough of a gift and blessing to him

- constantly making sure you don’t fall ill and if you do, he’ll be at your beck and call until you get better

- his heart would melt if you stole one of his oversized sweaters

- gives you his hat/beanie/coat/jacket when it’s too cold bc he likes seeing you in his clothes

- when you spend christmas day with his family, he’s so happy bc you get to be a part of such an important event in his life

- would probably learn to braid hair so on christmas, he can style your hair

- and also, so he can have you quaking in your elf shoes from his hair styling skills

Jeongin

- 1000000% sure that he’s the type to throw a pillow at your face as soon as you wake up on Christmas day and run out of the room to prevent getting his ass beat

- 10/10 would use Jisung as a human shield to protect himself from your morning wrath

- probably too shy to outright give you your gift so you’d just find it laying on your bed after everyone leaves

- ‘Thank you so much for always putting up with me, I love you.’

- he may not be good at showing his affection to you but once you open your gift from him, you’d immediately start tearing up

- he’d give you a gift that reminded you of your favourite moments in your relationship

- you guys would try couple baking, but he’d purposely mess it up just to piss you off because you're literally like another Jisung tbfh. 

- ss much of a little shit that he’s capable of being sometimes, this boi is just a lil’ softie who needs to be taken care of

- would really appreciate when you hug him from behind to warm him up

- or take your hand in his to make sure his fingers don’t fall off from frostbite

- honestly, I feel like Jeongin is the same type of maknae as Jungkook and Yugyeom

- this means that bc he’s so used to being so mischievous with his hyungs, he’ll take that into the r/s with him

- you don’t mind of course bc that’s one of the reasons as to why y’all always have snowball fights to the death

- just bc it’s holiday season, don’t think you’re safe from the never-ending and near-death pranks he constantly pulls on your ass outta nowhere

not my best work, but I just really wanted to post this bc Christmas time yooooo but I do hope you all enjoyed it! 

[yamlog]

before february comes

ok so like, it is one thing to know about smth hurtful when it has just happened but it is A COMPLETELY OTHER THING ALTOGETHER to be asked about it by someone who for some reason, thought that you knew all along all these months WHEN YOU DIDN’T. and why would i? did i not say many many times that i am NOT going to keep up? i am actively avoiding, i am keeping my feed clean and free from distractions, i NEVER look at my explore page except to follow very specific hashtags. i have been PROTECTING my peace of mind and sanity with all my energy and effort for like, what, 1.5 years. for good reason. and then to be asked (borderline informed) something so PREPOSTEROUS. do you know how sick i felt when i heard? i was trying to work and it became impossible because my brain was so confused i started feeling nauseas. i had to skip dinner and immediately take action instead of letting that horrible feeling burrow deeper into my chest. i didn’t even have to see anything in person. people sent me screenshots, telling me that they will look at it on my behalf and i shouldn’t go and see. and that’s not even the worst thing. the worst thing is all the consolation messages that came from SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE later on, coming out and confessing and saying they knew and they suspected but they didn’t want to tell me because they knew i’d be shocked and disgusted and upset and they wanted to protect me from the news because i was trying to pass practicum. and i love them for that, i really do. my friends really just do want the best for me and they are not willing to start a war or actively do anything, but they do care enough to message me in private to share their thoughts on the matter. i got so many ‘i saw her story and i was so surprised,” “it’s such a shady thing to do,” and “what is she trying to prove.” then of course there were people who were very critical of the presentation and how it seems deliberately designed to mislead. and when i clarified, it just made everyone even more confused. ‘huh, if not dating then why she post as if they were’ ‘need to tag meh’ ‘she tag for who to see’ ‘is she trying to show off got a guy wait for her to end work and take many pictures of her on their dates? and then must tag the guy so everyone can see who it is even though he’s not inside?’ ‘how come her username is like a copy of your tinycl0ud’ (lmao i wish i knew the answer to this one but at this point is anyone surprised? no.) ‘is it she want his dick’ ‘dating or not dating it’s very obvious she has interest’ etc etc

so here are MY thoughts, after having talked to practically everyone in my life about it. my thoughts reflect most of what others think. i am trying to be conscious of the fact that i’m still too emotional to really formulate my own opinion, and so of course it is easier to mirror and receive the opinions of those around me. but i think until i can finish processing, i am okay with received feelings.

number one: indignation. because Yes, why the fuck even do this? sg is so fucking big and full of other men. if you want a bf or new friends it’s so easy to find. must go after your ex-friend’s ex-partner? the rest of the sg don’t have men isit? you won’t be happy unless you get to experience that which you have always envied in me isit? you tag, knowing full well that people in MY life still follow and EVERYONE knows what he looks like and who he is. so what is the fucking intention? to show that someone finds you attractive enough to take photos of you? you know, quite a few people have pointed out to me the fact that i used to be the frequent subject of his phone camera (i am grateful but i have also thankfully moved on), and that maybe you have always envied it, and now that it’s your turn you’re revelling. ppl take picture of you like you always wanted, ok good for you, but must tag to make sure everyone knows exactly who did it? so everyone knows you hang out? or maybe date? because who else would wait for you to end your shift and buy you drinks but someone you’re romantically involved with. and you tag so everyone knows it’s a guy, and it’s THAT particular guy. gross and pathetic. which brings me to the next point.

number two: disdain and disgust. why hanker after someone’s ex?? i really don’t get it. was it because on my private twitter i said that i enjoyed myself and he treated me well, so now she has it in her head that she wants the same treatment? a normal human being doesn’t do that. in fact, i have read her tweets about how much she enjoyed having sex with the guy from tinder she had a fling with, with very lengthy descriptions of his dick size and texture, and not once did i feel the need to go and experience it for myself. because there’s this thing called girl code, on top of basic human decency. normal people DON’T hanker after their friends’ exes, even after friendship ends. MORE THAN ONE EX TOO. normal people also don’t tweet stupid shit like ‘every time julian took public transport and waited outside studio i felt so envious because ___ never did that for me, even though he had a motorcycle and could go anywhere, which makes me wonder if i’m not worth being loved.’ LIKE UM OK HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL, reading something so MANIPULATIVE AND GUILT-TRIPPY ON TWITTER DOT COM. julian wasn’t a great ex (or even a great person) but he did occasionally do nice things, and you romanticise the ONE thing to the point of comparing it with your own lacking relationship?? red flag. and then when i have another ex, you hanker after what he represents once again, which is good treatment. well idk what to say but people i date generally treat me well sometimes. and the common factor here is obviously me. so even if you date the same guys i date it doesn’t mean?? u will be treated the same way?????? just a thought. it is truly extremely pathetic to hang onto hope that this Perfect Idealised Boyfriend On A Pedestal could someday be yours if you just wait long enough. you waited 2 years for your RC ex and he still dumped you for a virginal year 1. i hate him on your behalf, and never in a million years would i consider wanting him, no matter how attractive or charismatic he is. simply because, even though i hate you, i will NOT touch your exes that I KNOW FULL WELL have hurt you. 

number three: anger. i don’t hate people. not really. like i don’t think i’ve ever hated anyone enough to wish they’d die a horrible and gruesome death. but the past two days i have felt anger so big it felt like my entire chest was on fire and if i screamed it would come out like a blowtorch. i wanted to take my new ceramic knife and saw off her fingers one by one and then grate her stupid ugly nose off. that was for a moment, and the moment has passed. but i don’t think the hatred will. i can very confidently say that, at least for the next two weeks or so, i will hate her enough to risk damnation. because she IS fucking despicable. and now i guess everyone knows it too. 

there was a moment when i wondered why i was so stricken. i spoke to a friend to try to figure it out. i asked her, why am i so bothered. is it because if he dates her after dumping me it means that she’s better than me and that’s what i can’t stand? or is it because he actively makes time to meet her but not me, so on some level he actually does prefer her to me? then my friend said that she doesn’t think that’s the case, and that he probably can meet her PRECISELY because he doesn’t have romantic feelings and he won’t get entangled. additionally, she also reminded me that just because one man, even my ex that i loved deeper than anyone else, chooses her over me, it doesn’t mean his opinion is god’s opinion (or even a wise/informed one) and therefore it is fallacious to jump to the conclusion that he is right and that she IS better or that she has ‘won’. i added to that and said that yes, people are not prizes to begin with anyway. and yes, one man’s judgment does not determine my worth. another friend just said, very bluntly, that his initial thought was ‘let the trash take the trash out’. im still not okay with someone i still love being called trash because like, hello my feelings, but i understand his sentiments lah. 

no matter how i rationalise it, i guess it does hurt that he’d spend time with her but not once try to spend time with me. i’d make all the time, i honestly would. and i have endless reserves of care and attention and i feel like over time my capacity just increases, even with the new job and the new charges. but i also know that i never had any power in this relationship. i can’t make the first move, i can’t ask for anything, i will never call the shots because it’s imbalanced from the beginning. so if he doesn’t care to meet me but cares enough about HER to meet HER then what can i do? nothing. just accept it like a horrible itchy clothing tag giving you a rash but u can’t exactly strip down bc ur in public. maybe over time he will start to think that she is right for him, she can make him happy, she is his soulmate. she will have won, my friends’ predictions will be right, i will have been wrong about his character, and once again there will be nothing i can do. 

maybe it’s better that he cares so little for me he doesn’t even want to see me at all. because i don’t think my feelings have gone away. it’s magnetic. like an orbital pull. and i know that if i get a little bit i will just want all of it. it was hard enough to pull away the last time and pretend i had to go and pretend i was fine. so if he doesn’t want me in his orbit, maybe it’s actually god’s blessing in disguise and god is trying to tell me that it’s better to be untethered in space than it is to be attached to someone who doesn’t even love me. better to be unhappy on my own than believe i’m happy with someone who doesn’t want me right??? 

serenity prayer: grant me the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change that which i can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.

[msfoodlover]

April in Pictures

APRIL – “All’s well that ends well” is how I would sum up the month of April. April had me on my toes taking care of life’s business. I had to travel for work, had multiple work projects, car issues and family celebrations.  It was indeed a stressful and busy month but definitely not lacking in fun, travel and love from family and friends. Here are the highlights:

CAR STORY

After the bf got his car fixed, it was my turn to deal with car issues. My car had to go into the shop for a major repair. I have had enough of this stress that I have been dealing with for over 2 months. (I let the bf drive my car while his was in the shop forever!)  I finally bought a new car. I have always wanted a Jeep and 4 wheel drive, so I finally got one. I am very happy cruisin’ in my brand new Jeep while blasting the satellite radio. The bf and I are looking forward to driving it to the snow in the winter. (And I still have not given up on my old gal Toyoto Matrix, she is still in the shop with our turtle of a mechanic trying to save her. I am sentimental like that.)

BABY NEPHEW’S 1ST BIRTHDAY AND BAPTISM

A GRAND CELEBRATION:  That started at 9 in the morning for the baby dedication followed by lunch reception at Tomi’s Sushi and Seafood Buffet in San Jose, CA. Then followed  by a feast at the grandparents’ house that lasted until almost midnight. We stuffed ourselves with yummy Filipino food including lechon (roasted pig). Food was beyond plentiful and everyone took lots of food home. It was a  great time with my whole family and lots of  play time with my baby nephew.

EASTER

HOT CROSS BUNS: Easter means indulging in Hot Cross Buns that are only available during this season. (I make sure that I get my fill because they are only around once a year. Yum!)

EASTER SUNDAY: I spent Easter Sunday with the bf’s family. It stormed really hard all day. We celebrated Easter at Texas Roadhouse. ( I had  burger and fries.)

DATE NIGHTS

PIZZA AND PASTA DATE NIGHT:  A casual date night at this suburban Bay Area restaurant (Pizza Napoli) to escape the nightmarish parking (lack thereof) in SF and surrounding areas. We had creamy artichoke pasta, sausage thin crust pizza and glass of cab. It was not bad at all!

WINGSTOP AND MEXICAN FOOD: After spending about 5 hours at the car dealership and sealing the deal, the bf and I were beyond famished! We celebrated by ordering  chicken wings, fries,  nachos and quesadilla to go and devoured them at home!

TRAVEL AND VACATION

SAN ANTONIO TEXAS:  I was in Texas for work turned vacation. I asked the bf to meet me after my work was done. It was 4 days of delicious Tex-Mex and bbq meals, and  margarita-filled date nights at the famous River Walk, and a visit to the historic Alamo. It turned out to be a really fun vacation after the sleepless nights, jet lag and work stress.

OTHER LOVELY MOMENTS

MORNING CARPOOL WITH THE BF: With the car drama were some nice moments such as commuting with the bf to San Francisco. He had a project in SF and he dropped me off in the Financial District. I do not remember going to work with him ever in the years of being together. It was a beautiful cold morning and I treated myself to a bacon and cheese croissant before going to my office.

COFFEE DATE WITH BFF: She was as busy as I was but we managed to meet up at our new hangout which is SFMoMa for a quick date. As always she spoiled me with tons of treats including salads and rice crackers. Thanks, BFF!

WONTON AND COLD: The bf brought me wonton soup when I had to stay home for a minor cold. This was impressive that I was only sick for a day when everyone in my family and at work were catching the flu left and right!

MORE BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS; Loved ones’ birthday celebration at Paxti’s pizza but I was too tired to even take a picture.  (Unheard of!) I managed to take one photo of the cake.

I am thankful for the strength and energy that came with the challenges.  I am thankful for the blessings of my family, the celebration of my little nephew’s 1st birthday, travels and happy moments with my bf, quiet yet happy moments with BFF, the new car, stressful yet rewarding and fulfilling career, and the blessings of delicious meals and good health.

TO MY TUMBLR FRIENDS: So, these were where I had been and what I had been doing during the month of April. Thank you very much for continuing to support and visit my blog despite my inactivity on Tumblr. I miss your blogs and hoping to drop by soon!

[equitability]

I have been a follower of yours for quite some time now. I miss the old way that you use to post - lately it has been just constant reblogs, etc… I liked when you would post your own photography, with friends, or text posts so we could all relate. I use to really enjoy your personal posts on my Dashboard. May I ask, what happened to that girl?

Hi Anon!First of all, it's probably been a year since you've asked me this. I haven't been very active on Tumblr over the last few years. Secondly, I kept this message in my inbox for so long because for some reason, looking at it always made me smile. I always used my Tumblr for me, not thinking that anyone else was really paying that much attention to it. So it made me feel incredibly warm on the inside to know that someone missed my old blog. Over the past few years, things have changed a lot - way too much to even begin to describe. In short, I went to Uni and just recently graduated; I moved away from home; I lost a few very close friends along the way; and I kind of lost track of who I was too. (This is probably going to get to be TMI, if anyone is reading). I've always debated on answering this question publicly, but figured that maybe it would finally be good to express my thoughts.I guess I stopped posting personal photos and text posts because (1) I stopped using Tumblr as frequently, and (2) throughout my years at Uni, I was struggling. Emotionally. Personally. Academically. Throughout high school, my identity kind of was "the smart girl". I went to Uni and got slammed by assignments and tests, which made me re-evaluate myself. If I wasn't "the smart girl", then who was I? I went into Uni without any friends, and without any hobbies. I didn't know what I liked to do. I didn't know how to express myself. I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, and I didn't really have the confidence to make new friends that lasted very long. When I eventually did meet a group of girls who I'm still close to, I didn't ever open myself up in the same way I did in high school - meaning that even though I am blessed with great people in my life, I never really had that one person who I could truly talk to throughout my four years. (I mean I had my bf throughout the whole process, but there's something different between a best friend and a boyfriend). That's one thing that I miss - being able to relate so much to a really close friend. Besides my apparent identity crisis, I've also really been struggling with the future. I thought I had everything figured out, but I don't. I have a degree that I may never use, and although I am going back to school in the fall, I'm terrified of what's going to happen to all of my close relationships that I have. I'm temporarily moving away from the only place I've ever felt kind-of comfortable in. And the pressure I've always felt from everyone around me to succeed is very apparent - now more than ever, I think. I've always been afraid to disappoint people. Obviously, I've changed over the past few years too. Although I've been struggling, I have found little bits of myself along the way. I've grown more of a backbone, and I've come to realize that I truly care about others. I've taken a liking to hiking and exploring; I've learned how to take a "me day" (meaning movies, crafts, and pj's); I took up calligraphy; I learned that I love a good DIY project; I'm still learning what my personal 'style' is; and I'm about to get my motorcycle license next weekend. Perhaps I stopped posting personal things online because I stopped caring for myself in my early Uni days. While I felt really lost, and often still do, I'm slowly learning to love myself for who I am - whenever I find out who that person truly is :) It's been a hard few years for me in a lot of aspects of my life - and I didn't really feel like sharing any of it to the world. But I feel like maybe it's about time I did. To let some of my worries go and not carry them around with me anymore. Of course this is just the tip of the iceberg to my personal problems, but if I were to explain everything, we would be here for days, and I don't think I'm totally up for that just yet!Lastly, to the anon who sent in this comment - I would love to know who you are ❤️

[whoisonlinedatingfor]

So... I got tinder again, and I matched with this guy who seemed to have a pretty long profile, a decent assortment of pictures, and we had some decent back and forth conversation. He works in finance, as a trading analyst. I thought he looked pretty cute from his photos, and he suggested we meet up for drinks. It didn’t work out until after christmas, but he eventually texted me and we set up a date for before new years. He insisted on coming all the way up to where I lived, because he “always wanted to check out” my neighborhood. I was like lol ok... it’s far though. But he said he wanted to, but he had to see whether he was gonna have a long night at work. He would let me know by 4 pm.

By 3 pm he texted me saying he was sorry, it looked like it was gonna be a long night. i was like ah ok. That’s unfortunate... i was kinda bummed. First date in a while, I was ready to go out, meet someone new. He was sorry, he said, he asked if we could postpone it to next week.

Blah. School was starting. I didn’t even want to think about trying to travel around when school was in session, when I had to be in lab at 10AM every day. I guess that doesn’t really sound early but I usually wake up around 8AM during school days. So I said, “ah sorry, I don’t think so, school is starting and i won’t know my schedule and I’m really busy.” Fully intending to just let this one go. I even started making plans with this other guy (who was a self proclaimed “sapiosexual”) bc at that point I just wanted to fuck someone who found me attractive. But I feel like I knew he was gonna be just like that other consultant dude I tried seeing in Chicago. He would probably be a no go. But it was just drinks, hey? and maybe a few cuddles??

First dude, let’s just call him Sunshine, to his credit, actually texted back apologizing about his work schedule and said it wasn’t my fault, but maybe I would be down to get brunch next weekend? And I said, well, I have to do some volunteering at this clinic... but maybe sunday? He said that worked for him. At this point, it was still iffy for me because I knew I probably would be too tired to think about going out next weekend, to meet someone who probably was mediocre, and plus, meeting someone when you’re not up to meeting anyone is just the biggest waste of everyone’s time. So I decide I’m gonna go to my parents’ house and make them happy for once. I spend a few hours baking cheesecake and banana bread with my mom. Anywho, to my surprise, he texts me at 7:50pm saying that he got out early! Was I still free to meet up?

The jolt to my system was unmistakable. My palms started sweating. I casually started hyperventilating. I looked at my mom and I was like, I need to go. She asked me if I was meeting up with a friend. I didn’t even answer. I wolfed down dinner, sunshine and I made plans for him to come up here (he insisted, which I thought was hilarious. I was like, where’s the catch?) and we picked a bar and everything. And then he looked it up and realized travel time was >1h. And he was like ah... you’re a superhero for living there, you know? (just because he lives downtown in the middle of all the action; probably this was the furthest he’d ever traveled for an -uncertain- lay) I thought it was all kind of surreal and hilarious.. I wondered who was actually coming to meet me. I run all the way to my apartment, and I quickly shower and get ready, and there’s no time for makeup, for anything. Just me, my chapstick, and lotion on my showered skin. K. Cool. I didn’t even wash my hair, it just smelled like stir fry... hopefully he wouldn’t care?

He calls me, and I’m relieved to hear that he has a normal (bordering on deep!!!) voice, and he sounds like a normal person and he’s actually almost here, his phone is just dying. i told him to meet me near my apartment so that we could walk there, since I wasn’t sure what ridiculous bar this was that he had picked from the two options we had, and where exactly it was. I had to ask the roommate/friend of the guy I had a crush on at school for bar recommendations in the area because I literally was so clueless. Sure, I’ve lived here forever, but I don’t exactly go out drinking here. I go downtown. 

I realize I’m probably late. I run down to the bus stop, and he’s already there, looking at his phone. I jaywalk the hell out of this terrible street with terrible construction blocking my view, and I’m like heyyyyy sorry I’m late, have you been waiting long? I brought you a power cord and a power bank, so that if nothing else goes right, at least you can get home. He laughed and was really appreciative, except then I walked apparently on the “wrong side” of the street at some point, and it made him uncomfortable and he said the guy always needs to walk street side to protect from splashes and stuff. And I was like ah... well what if someone in the alleyway tries to mug me? He was like well, I got fat so maybe I’ll just surround you with my girth and protect you. Or actually you have a black belt, you could just protect us both. 

The bar was hilariously terrible. Middle aged, heavily made up women. It was ladies night, I found out after. The drinks were terrible. The lighting was terrible. It was loud, and it was quiet. We had to shout to hear over the music, and then adjust volume as the song petered out. It was truly an experience. I thought I was gonna die from awkwardness, but he persevered, bless his soul. We got 3 drinks each, and then I said I was gonna be done after that cuz it was just a waste of drinking capacity. He was debating whether he should uber home or take transit, cuz he was “poor” because he spends 200$ every time he goes out drinking. I thought about it, and finally I was like, well, you can stay over if you want. And he’s hemming and hawing about my roommates, wouldn’t they mind, yadda yadda. i was like lol... theyre not home... 

After that, his tone completely changed LMAO. He was like, sure! If you don’t mind. And I said nah it’s ok, can’t have you dying on your first foray here. Wouldn’t be good press for the neighborhood. And we started walking to get food and he was like oh nevermind, let’s just go back to your place. And I was like ok... so we started heading back in the opposite direction. And he’s kind of half wrapping his arm around me, and I lead him upstairs, and I’d left the lights on and it was all nice and beautifully moody, and we hang up our jackets like civilized people, and he asked for the tour but I was already heading to my room, and he follows me, and kisses me, and it was decent, and I was like ok this is ok.

And then things just start happening, and I had to pee but it wasn’t awkward like that first time, I was still turned on, thank you alcohol for lubricating everything, and then we had sex and it was good, great, actually, and then he showered, and asked if he could play music, and I heard him singing, and his voice is pretty good. And then we settle in to cuddle, and he gets hard again, we have sex again. And then he dozes off and snores for a bit, and I try to settle into sleep because the cuddles feel so good but I can’t sleep cuz I’m too excited, and then he wakes up with a boner and we go again, and then we just both can’t sleep cuz we’re both giggling and joking around because its 5 in the morning now so everything is hilarious even if it’s not, and we’re both so comfortable and happy (or maybe just me who knows) and then we wake up, its light out, its 7 am, he asks if I wanna go for round 4, but I’m legit in half dream state so I’m like no. And then he gets out, and the bed is cold now :( and he cuddles me for a bit and kisses me and then he leaves, and then I go back to bed.

We’ve been texting since then but I met up with him the day after and I feel like I was really awkward, or he was awkward, or we were both awkward, but he’s good at not letting it get to him, and he walked me to the train station after so I could go meet up with a different friend. It was a crazy day of seeing a lot of friends. Our texting is really good though, lots of chemistry there I feel. And we have a ton of inside jokes... Idk. 

I felt really sad when he didn’t text me back for most of the day, even though he said he was out with his cousin, doing touristy things. I feel like I’m falling into the same trap again. He “drunk texted” me, very coherently, that relationships scared him, because I told him my friend also broke up with his gf, and I said yeah, me too, kinda. But Idk if that’s a sign that he’s not gonna be into the idea of being in one? I’m overthinking this as usual, it’s too early. I might not even like him that much. And I might be trying to fit him into a mold of perfect bf when that’s not fair to either of us. Just because we had one good night of incredible chemistry. I guess that’s pretty rare in and of itself, and probably made possible by the fact that my roommates were not there, so we could be as loud as we liked. 

Idk. I keep telling myself to take this slow, but I literaly do not know how. One day at a time, I said, with false hope. I always rush things along. I want things to happen. I need things to happen. He said I seemed chill, which was hilarious. We all know how that goes. Me, chill. Maybe this time, it will be different? Maybe this time, I can just take it one day at a time. Maybe I don’t have to think about the future. And there are no worries, really, because I have an IUD, and I pray that I am lucky and that he is not lying when he says he is clean. Everything is TBD and I guess that scares me, but isn’t that all of life?

[deannawriter-blog]

My Life is Better Than Yours

Dear Reader,

Social media sucks.

Whether it's an Instagram photo of you eating at a high-end L.A. restaurant, or a one-sentence Facebook post exclaiming how wonderful your life is, or an 8-second Snapchat of you kissing your BF and drawing red hearts around your faces—social media posts like that MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO SMACK YOU or STOP FOLLOWING YOU or HOPE THAT YOU HAVE AT LEAST ONE BAD DAY THIS WEEK THAT ISN'T SO BLESSED. 

What? How can anyone think like that or be so cruel?

Hi. I'm Deanna. And I think like that. A lot. Too often, probably. And you know what the worst part is? I'm most likely one of those people you see posting cool adventures and photos with the Husband that make you want to smack me. That's right. I'm a walking contradiction. 

But I'll fess-up about my annoying posts later. Right now, I want to talk about YOU, the culprit. The offender. The most likely good-intentioned human who just wants to share life with the world and doesn't realize everyone wants to un-friend you.

Your Life Isn't That Great, Right?

Can we be honest with each other? There's no way that you're THAT happy all the time. That your family is THAT fun and good-looking. That your adventures are THAT epic. If you're like me, most of social media is your Highlight Reel, right? 

I mean, those amazing VACATIONS you're going on a few times a year have to be DEMOLISHING your bank account, right? Or maybe you're really just secretly racking up boatloads of credit card debt or neglecting your savings? It's one thing if I know you've been saving up for years to go to Italy (your dream destination), but it's another when you just go, live lavishly and then a few months later go somewhere else. What are you made of?! Money? Don't you have a job and responsibilities? If you're going to post about all your great travels, I think the kind-hearted thing to do is provide some explanation as to WHY you're so lucky. Help me want to be happy for you.

And those photos you post with your new BF—can you give it a year before you brag about how great he is and how happy you are? This isn't the only man you've had. I know because you always post how happy you are with all your BFs, and you tend to always make a big deal about it. Newsflash! Single ladies everywhere want to murder you for rubbing it in their faces, and married ladies everywhere think you're completely naive and annoying. Try being married for a few years—go through some ups and downs—and then post about his greatness and your happiness level. Post specific reasons why he's a great partner and why you're thankful for him. THAT adds value. THAT gains respect. I can't promise you still won't get the stink eye when I'm scrolling through my Facebook feed, but at least I'll think your bragging is somewhat validated.

Finally, don't get me started on those videos of you sportin' that new watch or batting your long, beautiful eyelashes because you dropped some $$$ on the fancier things in life. Yes, I know your gold watch is B.A. and, yes, it makes you look like a million dollars, but it also makes you look like a SNOB while making me jealous that you have the money to drop on something like that while I have to save to buy a new radiator for my car. And yes, those fake lashes are gorgeous, but YOU ARE ALREADY PRETTY and now I feel even worse about myself. 

Look, I'm not saying any of my jealousy, irritation or frustrations make sense. Or that they're even fair. Or that it's even right for me to feel these things. But I do, and I can't be the only one. So on behalf of everyone who feels like me, I'm here to say THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU POST BEFORE YOU POST IT.

Don't you remember what it felt like to be single and lonely? Or what it felt like when you didn't have the money to buy nice things? Or when you dreamed of far away places but didn't have the means to get there? That's right, it felt crappy. 

Why Do We Only Post The Highlights Of Our Life?

I'm sick of seeing everybody's Highlight Reels. If you call your Facebook friends friends, shouldn't you be able to share your Cutting Room Floor scenes? 

I want to see your pain, not because I'm this terrible person who only wants you to be miserable, but because I want to really KNOW you. I want to know you're a human just like me who has crappy days AND good days. Who is incredibly in love with her man but also has fights that last for days. Who gets to travel the world and see amazing sights but also feels desperate to put roots down somewhere.

I want to know how to pray for you. I want to know the crap you've been through so that I can learn something from your experiences. I want to see posts describing the grit and grime of your job so that I can be excited when you EARN that vacation. I want to see the life-changing moments in your relationships that make a difference. I want to see the first ratty car you ever drove get replaced with a new truck because you were patient and frugal with your money.

I want to see your happiness, I really do. So be careful how you shape your social media posts. 

Then There's Me, The Hypocrite

I'm guilty of bragging on social media. I'm sure there's a TON of things I've posted that have caused others to unfollow me. And maybe just like you, Reader, I was confident my posts came from places of innocence: just being proud of my husband, or wanting to share cool places I've been blessed to visit, or being excited that my hair finally looks good. 

I've posted those vomit-inducing pictures with my husband and how in love we are. My Facebook profile pic is still of me in my wedding dress on my wedding day because I am so amazed at how beautiful I felt and how wonderful that day was, flaws and all. And I'm not ashamed of that because it's not often I feel so pretty or have such an epic day. So I keep it there. And I've posted the occasional "date night" photo of us going to the movies or exploring Disney World or serving at church. I can imagine that some people find that frustrating, but I do my best to limit them or not make over-the-top comments on how great our life is. If you know me at all, you know I'll be the first to share our struggles. Um, it's kind of why I have this Blog in the first place. 

I've posted a lot of travel photos recently, and I'm sure there's a lot of people who are jealous of how often I get to travel. But did you know? I started posting so many travel photos because I am SO JEALOUS of people who get to travel? I realized that maybe I don't get to go to Europe twice a year or explore the temples of South America, but I have been to many U.S. states, and I do have the privilege of traveling for my new job. And when I started realizing that everywhere is a destination to somebody, I decided to start posting my travels to encourage others that you don't have to take EPIC trips to see beautiful destinations.

I could go on and on about all the social media offenses I've made over the years, but that's not the point. You get it. If you follow me on social media, you already know. 

The Takeaway

I just hope that if you've read this, you'll start to think about how you're social media posts impact others. I know it's not totally your deal to worry about my feels, but, at the same time, it kinda is. Just like it's kinda my deal to worry about your feels in whatever stage of life you're in.

I doubt we want to hurt each other, so let's try not to.

BUT... maybe you just don't care about how you make others feel. Maybe you just want to share your highlight reel with your mom or still try to impress all your high school friends. That's fine. Power to you.

Just realize that I find you annoying. 

But you probably find me annoying, too.