#blog shouldve stayed deleted

[coridallasmultipass]

Personal vent and ugly mental illness symptom talk

So, I should unpack this with my therapist, but shit's embarrassing, so I'm just gonna vent it out on the public internet lmao.

I was typing out a whole thing about how I KNOW I'm aromantic, and despite that, still have moments where my brain gaslights me into believing I'm in fairytale love.

I should preface by saying I have not officially been diagnosed with either additional mental illnesses I believe that I have (B.P//D and AD//HD [which lol being on AD//HD meds since antidepressants didn't do anything has given me some notable improvement, but I'm still without a diagnosis], nor Au//tism) DESPITE repeatedly asking multiple therapists multiple times and a psych like 100 times to give me a definitive yes or a no.

But holy shit. So I'm typing about how I've 'Favourite Person'-ed multiple people at multiple points in my life across all ages, and I'm like, okay, it's been a hot minute since I refreshed my definition of that, I should make sure that's still a thing and not something I just made up or has been dropped from the symptoms or whatever the case. I wanna make sure I'm using it right in this rant about how falling into Favourite Personing people in the past has made me believe 'wait, maybe I'm not aro, this HAS to be like the deepest truest love in existence, despite my years of knowing I'm aro.' Like, I'm so aro I once calculated out the date, months in advance, I was gonna tell someone I was dating that I loved them, only because it seemed like a socially acceptable amount of time to say it. I wasn't thinking about what I actually felt lmao. (And that was probably not a FP relationship, too, so I know that was absolutely an aro incident.)

Anyways, so I'm reading a couple articles to make sure I articulate my points about how it's conflicted with being aro, and I read about how people falling into having a FP will even hate that person for the slightest perceived wrongs. (I knew this, I just was thinking about the love incidents since that's what was related to my point about being aro.)

And holy shit. That just. Unlocked a memory I have about when I was an older kid, like probably 9ish (and older), I HATED my best friend of many years and who would continue being my bff for more years. Who was my everything. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated them. I would lie awake at night (insomnia too tho) thinking about how much I hated them and I couldn't understand why I didn't just stop being their friend and start hanging out with old friends more instead. I just couldn't do it, I wanted to hang out with THEM. I was so sick and feeling jealous of them whenever I found out they'd been hanging out with someone else one-on-one and I wasn't invited. Even when it was their own family. One time they brought me a plate of cookies by surprise for (before) a holiday that they'd just made with their cousin or something. And I felt so sick about how I wasn't there for that, it felt like an insult. I couldn't have put this into words, unless I just now read that point in an article and made a connection. It was so confusing, because usually the people who hated their 'best friend' was like, the mean girl kinda character who intentionally does it to hurt the innocent main character or something, but I was the one who felt wronged every time those feelings would come up. And this wasn't just a 'man it's so annoying when they do this specific thing.' This was active stewing, in a slow cooker, all day and all night kinda thing.

I was never romantically or sexually attracted to that person, but I probably wrote all this off as either unrelated sexuality or gender bullshit when I figured that out later. But knowing now that there was definitely someone (actually, I'm thinking of WAY more people as I'm typing this, and just realized why I stopped loving a band and started hating them 'for no reason' wow lmao) that I FP'ed who I definitely WASN'T attracted to, suddenly convinces me that I was probably right in suspecting B.P//D. (Or, y'know, maybe I don't have that specifically, and it's the symptom from a different facet of mental illness or whatever.) I've been so hung up over how I'm aro, sometimes ace, and then this 'only' happens towards people I am attracted to. Like, 'maybe it was love and I'm just terrible at it.' (No! It's not! Aro is correct! That's just the brain manipulating me to get another hit of dopamine off a FP! It's just easier to happen to someone I'm attracted to!)

It's no fucking wonder why I always worried about people hating me in secret, and it's because I was absolutely making myself insufferable because of that worry. I know for a fact that some people definitely did hate (or. Lmao. Shut up. Like, 'resented' maybe fits better) me for demanding constant attention that was never reciprocated by anyone I've ever met in my entire life.

I probably wrote-off so many symptoms as 'I was a moody teen and kind of an asshole.' Except it happened before and after I was a teen, too. I would have excused everything that happened during and before high school, when I should have been looking for these patterns I kept following for years after. It doesn't help that my first relationship was wildly toxic (mostly against me in this one case), and while I didn't feel particularly bothered by it after I got over the nightmare breakup, I just kept going 'What if it was the sole cause of all of this and I'm just repressing that?' Well, phew! No, it's not, that was thankfully just a toxic embarrassment, and not the source of all my problems. I was already on the shitstorm trajectory. That's a major relief. If you can call it that. I really don't like discussing that one, but not in a trauma way, more like a, you don't really wanna discuss pissing your pants on accident kinda way. Unpleasant to remember, wildly embarrassing to talk about, but ultimately not a life-altering event.

Ughhhhh. Maybe I should bring this (the mental illness not the relationship) up to the therapist. But like, I haven't been close friends with anyone in like 6 years or so, so I don't have any current or even recent examples about how being in friendships has always turned out Russian Roulette for me. My therapist doesn't seem to believe how bad it was for me to be in friendships where I was unintentionally FP'ing someone. Because besides the depression and anxiety (and mild OCD), I'm a totally normal person to her who's just dealing with shit health problems and grief (and frustration from being trans and not in a safe place to transition). Y'know, normal life problems most people will feel at some point, just chronic in my case. I may be weird, but I'm obviously far from the worst she's seen. I'm not uniquely mentally ill.

((Except the whole 'treatment resistant depression' diagnosis bullshit from the psych, but I'm learning it's not just mental issues I have that are treatment resistant lol.))

I tried talking to her about a small part of all this before, but IDK what I did wrong, she took it 100% as me being the one unintentionally wronged and not setting MY own boundaries (lmao), so like I don't know how to word this in a way she'd understand that most of my problems in this area were my own fault. (I mean that both negatively and neutrally, because it's an ugly side of mental illness, but not one I chose or know how to help.)

Not being in close friendships with anyone has had an understandably sane-ifying effect on me (barring the, y'know, depression/anxiety/OCD and baseline weirdness), which has gotten me trapped for the 5th time in 6 years of making my therapists believe I'm better off than I actually am. (I've done this to every therapist I've ever had before that, too.) But like, again, at least for the past 3 therapists and the latest psych, I AM actually better for not having close friends lmao. Only one therapist ever had one visit of me wanting to address these concerns specifically while they were currently active, and by the next visit, we had to shift exclusively to sudden new grief lol. (What a shitshow. It somehow always ends up that whenever I wanna treat an illness, it's like opening a can of worms, except the worms are firecrackers and I didn't set the can down and step back a few feet.)

Like, it obviously feels safer to not have close friends at all because there's no fear of abandonment if I have no one to begin with. And, genuinely, I operate better when I'm alone. But now that I've known safety, it's hard to imagine throwing myself back into the roulette wheel, hoping I don't land on red OR black. But fuck, man. It is lonely.

And being aro? It's freeing, and validating too, to have a word for it, but I'm not gonna mince words here, I hate it. I wish I could feel romantic love. Like normal, not mentally ill ""love."" I feel platonic love all the time, like for friends (not FP) always. I love saying 'I love you' to friends and meaning it. But I want to feel romantic love. I just don't. I just feel friendship, Favoriting, and/or sexual attraction sometimes. Probably why I'm so into shipping and fanfics. I got a lot more "probably why's" but I don't wanna go down that in this already vulnerable post lol. (I already made a whole post about one of the why's back in like 2013 or 14 lmao, without connecting it to this.)

Anyway, I put this whole mental illness and relationships deal into ugly imagery in a current fic WIP I'm working on, since recognizing I was aro took living through FP'ing a few 'romantic' relationships, before I even first heard the term FP. I only saw my experiences as 'I don't think I've been experiencing love' and that by itself felt like it fit. I didn't realize there was anything wrong, even as I outwardly said shit like 'I don't think I'm fit for being in a relationship' to the few people who asked me out, even when I wanted to say yes.

And then I kept trying to make relationships work lmao. I don't know why I even bothered. I just wanted to be wrong about being aro, especially when it was a point of contention (aro and ace separately) with some of the relationships.

I'd probably have to meet another aro person of the exact same flavour of aromanticism to make it work, but even then the mental illness would just be a ticking time bomb. No one wants to be the recipient of FP 'affection', except maybe sometimes the fictional people in a certain fiction trope that winds up being fetishistic, even if it's not intended to insult real people (but sometimes it is). And it's just a reminder of how I was probably a big source of toxicity for probably half the people who have ever been close with me, if it's even half of how fiction portrays people with this symptom.

I dunno where I wanted to end this vent, so here's probably a good place. Just wanted to get this off my chest, because it just now felt like a pretty big revelation that my problems weren't related to romanticism, I've had purely platonic instances of this dating back to being an older kid, and more during high school, and I just never connected the two before now.

[zundamind]

wow, would you look at that! it's been a full ass year since you fucked me over! september 29th.... yeahh..... XD our fuck-you-versary! hi clifford!

in case you dont remember, the name piko might jog your mind. yeah thats me!! hellwo!! honestly you shouldve known better than to stick with your old username but hey props on you for changing it last minute! almost didnt find you for a second lolll!!

i wanted to drop in and say HEY! HELLO! HI! and give you some status updates :3

update one: i'm getting better!! no thanks to you, of course. and actually i should say we're getting better. yep! thats what happens when you suffer so bad your brain cant take suffering solo! XD

update two: while my mental health has been at an all time low ever since you fucking dropped me like a fucking ROCK, ive been getting over things lately! my clean streaks are now longer than a week! i no longer want to kms! im even making friends again!

update three: while both of the above statements are true, you still live in my mind rent free. i remember when i first stumbled across your blog a few months ago, i had a full on spiral! not anymore, though. i am STEEL, BABY! also you spinning in the mental microwave rent free is why i'm sending you this heartfelt ask!

man.... even when i try, i still find you somehow and its never intentional. like imagine scrolling the tptm tag only to be straight up jumpscared by your ex best friend's username! how embarrassing!

also i'm sorry but i have to say the reason(s) you left are sooo fucking stupid..... what, cus i was weird? come on. everyones a little weird. even a little deviantart weird. oh and because of some stupid opinions that shouldntve even mattered if you were actually a friend? get real, trey. what if i left your ass because you had a fuckin biting kink? that wouldve been funny actually. like making a sad callout post on twitter thats just "my friend left me because i wasnt vanilla enough!" XDDD

oh, and if you ever see your "stalker" again, assuming you're not thinking its me and that its actually your previous qpr or whatever the fuck, say hi! i find it funny as FUCK, since, you know, you were considering cyberstalking me at one point. and tell chaos i said hi too. i'd also mention mayu, but do you two even keep in touch anymore? probably not, considering the weird things she's done.

anyways thats the end of my relay. if you dont want these kinds of asks again, i suggest either turning asks off or just straight up deleting your tumblr and/or making another one that is NOT connected to any username youve used in the past, because in that case i'll just find your ass again lmaooo. remember! every year on this day will be the day i remind you that you are NOT allowed to stay sane X3

sincerely, your most hated, piko. (i hardly use my old blog anymore, so have fun finding my current blog! and do what you want with this ask, make a callout post, scream into the ethers, reply to it, idc.)

this should stay private but idc

i know what i did was wrong piko! i was 12-13.

dont take this as me excusing myself. i had horrible emotional regulation back then, ive healed from everything back there. you dont deserve to be called out because ur like. 14-15.

do not bring mayu or chaos into this,weve all healed and forgot abt you.

i overreacted bc of very worthless things because i was basically obsessed witj you, you were my fp, if you didnt know.

completely forgot you even existed, i havent been checking your profiles at all in months. you shouldnt either, please forget about me. you'll drive yourself crazy.,

if you think im going to "cancel" you, no im not. for your sake, please dont interact with me anymore. i apologize for how i acted over stupid things, but we were both young and idiotic. im also a system, i dont even remember half of the things you did bc of that.

move on. ive moved on, weve all moved on.

dont bother yourself with me, you dont need to.

[baddyzarc]

5/7 Ruins: Legend of the Cursed Royal Palace

1 2 3 4a 4b x 6 7  

we like Vector. we’re not going to try to convince anyone that hes, like, a good person. Because he isn’t. But we do think he is a good character. Also we got the blog deleted while prepping this section so vector is cursed and we hate him

Vector is a spectacle. But he’s is a bit of an awkward character, at least for an Emperor. Unlike the rest of the Barian Emperors, who are morally gray at worst, Vector is pure evil for the sake of it. And generally, villains who are evil for no reason are considered weaker among the cast of villains. Yet he shines through in how yikes he is, and he does have one valid(ish) reason for his appalling behavior. 

Vector’s story is one of the most fun out of the Emperors due to how unhinged he is. He is the only Emperor with a near-complete tale. But his story also mixes deeply into Nasch and Merag’s Legend, which creates some problems in how to organize this thing.  

To begin, let’s go to his ruins. 

Vector’s ruins are located in a dilapidated castle on his island.

Personally, I have nothing to say about this location since this post already did an in-depth analysis on it. 

The advanced machinery and layout is interesting. It reminds of the Winchester Mystery House, but that's about it. 

Vector’s story is divided into two categories. First is the story of the Legend of the Cursed Palace. This consists of only the text provided within the palace. The second is all the additional information we obtain through Vector’s memories, Nasch’s memories, and Abyss’ intervention. Because of this, Vector’s past is the most vast out of all the Emperors. But is is also the most confusing due to conflicting information.

The Legend of the Cursed Royal Palace is told to us by Rio, and it is rather simple. 

Long ago, there lived a cruel prince in a palace. The prince was so cruel that everyone died. The end. Vector was a childish king who lacked faith in humanity. He executed anyone he doubted by beheading them as he watched. According to the legend, when he was “the last one standing” he took his own life by stabbing himself with his sword. 

That’s all the information from the ruins. This legend gets complicated with the rest of the story, so I’m gonna recount it as briefly as possible without any additional analysis. 

Starting all the way at the beginning, Vector was born as this little uggo peanut right here, and he was the herald of peace.

He came from two persons that are complete opposites of each other. One is a kindly mother who desires peace and the other is a ruthless warlord who wants war.

While sleeping in his crib, the Mythyrian Card “Number 65: Split-Decision Djinn - Judge Buster” fell onto him from the sky. Vector absorbed the Number into his body.

Years later, Vector’s father fell ill. Vector took over the kingdom, and he promised his mother and his citizens that he will bring peace to their kingdom. He did this by signing a peace treaty with the nations his father was warring against. 

Angered by this, his father pulled out his sword and attempted to kill Vector with it. His mother shielded Vector with her body to protect him, resulting in her death. His father then collapsed from his illness and died on the spot. 

Vector mourned for a brief moment before Don Thousand approached him. Don Thousand embedded the Over-Hundred Monster “Number 104: Masquerade Magician - Shining” in him to make him believe he killed his parents, thus saying the lovely line “You shall not be the prince of tragedy, but a prince of madness” and Vector followed suit, becoming cruel and sadistic. 

An unspecified amount of time passed before Vector ran into Nasch, Merag, and Durbe. 

Vector attacked Nasch’s kingdom with his fleet of ships and “Gorgonic Guardians”, which are Medusa-like monsters. Nasch counterattacks by using mirrors on them. As he was close to losing the battle, Vector performed a blood sacrifice to summon a god, which also happened to be Nasch’s Mythyrian Number “Number 73: Abyss Splash, the Roaring Waterfall Deity”. In order to purify Abyss, Merag sacrificed herself to summon another god, which is her Mythyrian Number “Number 94: Crystal Zero, the Princess of Polar Ice”.

Nasch gained control of both gods and used them to force Vector to retreat. Vector ran as Nasch and Durbe pursued him, destroying villages and kingdoms as he did so. 

Eventually, Vector was cornered in a Labyrinth, where he tricked Nasch into sending his army to their death via a Shadow Game. Regardless, Nasch defeated Vector again.

Vector fled back to his kingdom this time. In a fit of rage, he murdered everyone in his kingdom. Nasch followed him to the palace and found Vector surrounded by the dead bodies of his people.

They had a final showdown; Vector lost once more. Upon losing and in Nasch’s words, “... those you murdered... dragged you into Hell”. 

And that’s Vector’s story. 

Now, the only thing that is up for debate is how Vector died. The Legend of the Cursed Royal Palace stated that he committed suicide while Nasch’s recount said that the souls of his victims killed him. This may be a plot hole, but in the prior episode, both sides of this story were mentioned. Vector had a nightmare where he was being chased by the restless souls and Astral mentioned that the mad prince took his own life. Vector originally denies Nasch’s recount of his death at first, but quickly the souls manifest (because they were dueling on the field where Vector held his executions) to prove that this scenario did happen. This means that the writers are semi-aware of the situation, but they don’t state which is the true fate. 

Since it is unknown who scribed the legend onto the ruins, Nasch and Vector’s shared memories + the final scene in the Vector vs. Nasch Duel outweighs what is written in the palace. 

If anything, it’s possible that the tormented souls drove Vector to the tipping point of his madness, resulting in Vector taking his own life to escape them. Although, that is just my interpretation.  

But from here, we can finally discuss Vector because he is just full of it. 

Firstly, I want to talk about genetics. Specifically these lines right here. 

I find this extremely fun because there are two things at play here. First is that Zexal specifically states that his cruelty derives from his father—on the other hand, his kindness should derive from his mother—and second is that Don Thousand is able to kick this into overdrive. I doubt that the writers were thinking about any of this when they made this story, but this is a fun observation that I noticed (but if they were, kudos to them).  

Forcing some real-life concepts onto yugioh again, let’s talk about heritability. Heritability measures the variation between a trait of a parent (such as hair length, body size, temperament, ect.) and the traits of an offspring within a population of individuals. High heritability means that the phenotypes (physical characteristics) of the parents correlates to the phenotypes of the offspring, and vice-versa with low heritability. In humans, personality is a heritable trait, and in our species, one of the most heritable personalities is neuroticism. High neuroticism attributes to emotional instability and plays into emotions such as jealousy, loneliness, anxiety, anger, ect. 

There are four other major personalities, but for this, I’ll focus on neuroticism. Honestly, you could put any trait here since any of them loosely applies to this concept.

Okay. So does this mean that Vector was doomed to a life like his father. His genetics oughta leaned him that way. But NO, no because humans are far more complicated than that, and genetics is not the only thing that affects a person's behavior. But it does influence it some, and this is the basis of it’s influence.

What this says is that within a population, (genetics + environmental influence) = variation of a trait. Some phenotypes are heavily controlled by genetics while others are not. A simple example is if you have tall parents produce an offspring who have the genes for being tall (assume that it is moderately controlled by the environment). If the offspring grew up in a poor environment (less food or something) it will be short relative to the rest of the “tall” population. But if the offspring grew up in a good environment (more food), then it will be tall relative to the rest of the population. 

For the five different personalities in humans, each of them varies in how much it is influenced by genetics and how much of it is influenced by the environment (this is stingy since studying the effects of environmental influences on humans is very difficult and hard to replicate). But neuroticism is one that may have significant interactions between genetics and the environment. 

But enough science, let’s go back to Vector. Vector is really fun because his situation allows him to exist on all of the spectrums. He went from incredibly kind-hearted and peaceful to just not. This is possibly due to his inherited neuroticism and the environment he was exposed to.

It is likely that the “current” Vector’s neuroticism is rather high. Scoring high in neuroticism means that an individual tends to have low emotional stability, which attributes to frequent mood swings, high irritability, insecurity, and emotional volatility. This trait is more complex than that, but that’s the general gist of it. Most of this could be seen when it comes to how he treats others and how others treat him. 

With Vector, he hates it when other people mock him or control him. This is why he despises Nasch for being better than him and why he betrays Don Thousand for toying with him. He is someone who needs to be in full control of the situation; this could be because of his insecurity (like, he got really pissed when Merag gained the upper hand and began to insult him during their duel). Vector is also described as being incredibly untrusting of other individuals, hence why he kills anyone he doubts. These traits are similar to that of his volatile father, whom he also shares a similar vocabulary with when describing people they hate, or anyone against war.

On the other hand, scoring low in neuroticism means that an individual can handle stress very well. Often, they are calm and composed. This could only be seen in Vector prior to Don Thousand’s interference; i.e. when he was handling the kingdom after his father got ill. He also maintained his calm composure while his father scolded him and pulled a sword to kill him. 

His mother was kind and his father was not; Vector likely inherited some mix of neuroticism from them. Kindness and evilness was always inside Vector. And this allows him to exist as the kind “Rei Shingetsu” and the cruel “Vector” depending on the environment he was exposed to. 

So what were the different environments? I think it was the Mythyrian and Over-Hundred Numbers. 

Genetics played a role in shaping the core of Vector (“the same cruel blood as the king is running through you” and all) but it was the environmental influences added onto his core. Here’s a simple graphic. 

Vector is a baby who inherited his father and mother’s neuroticism (perhaps he has an intermediate; I do not know the mode of inheritance of this). The Mythyrian Number card pushed him hard into the low neuroticism section. The Over-Hundred Number pushed him into the high neuroticism section, and this was where he stayed until his death by Don Thousand. 

What I’m getting is that the “gentle prince” persona is not the actual Vector, but a Vector under the influence of a Number Monster (albeit a kind one). You could say the same with the “Prince of Madness” Vector, that he is also a false Vector influenced by an evil Number Monster, but there’s some glaring evidence that this evil Vector is closer to the actual Vector than the kind one. I’ll get to this later when I talk about his Guardian.

It’s highly possible that a “Vector” untouched by the Numbers would have existed somewhere in the middle since his mother and father would be the environmental influences in that case (or maybe they would’ve pushed him to one side too). The closest we get may be the one at the very end of the show, where Vector is “not evil” but still a trickster, mischievous type of guy. 

Overall, Vector is a character who had great potential for kindness, as stated by Don Thousand, but he also had the greatest potential for darkness as well. Don Thousand took advantage of this and gave Vector the environmental influence he needed to become the cruel, lovable character we know today. 

I just think it’s neat that Vector has a plausible reason why he went from baby to killer. 

Alrighty. So about those dang Number cards. 

Both of these cards and their respective Chaos upgrades represent the two sides of Vector. “Number 65: Split-Decision Djinn - Judge Buster” to “Chaos Number 65: Split-Decision Demon King - Judge Devil” and “Number 104: Masquerade Magician - Shining” to “Chaos Number 104: Masquerade Magician - Umbral”. There is one specific play with these two that makes me enjoy Vector so much.

But before I get to that, I need to talk about the influence of each monster on Vector and his Guardian.

As stated previously, these monsters altered Vector’s personality. “Masquerade Magician” is the more obvious of the monsters. It’s a masquerade; it hides under a mask and fools people. That’s just a normal Vector. A neat factoid is that the “Shining” to “Umbral” at the end of “Masquerade Magician” is related to the reveal of Shingetsu to Vector. Shining obviously means light (hence the light-attribute) while umbral means shadow (hence the dark-attribute). Number 104 and its Number c104 were first played when Vector revealed himself to Yuma during the Sargasso Arc. Light to Shadow, Shingetsu to Vector. 

“Judge Buster” is more difficult due to its relationship as a Mythyrian Number. It is a monster who altered Vector to be as good as he can be. It is supposed to be a fair and truthful judge, the polar opposite of “Masquerade Magician”.

But this is where things get very complicated. Despite being Vector’s “good” card, it is no different than the Over-Hundred that infected him. From the perspective of his father: 

Vector is a “cursed” child because he lacked any of the ruthless characteristics of his father. The way the Numbers “65” flashed on the screen is also similar to when other characters use or get possessed by a Number Monster. Vector was cursed, or possessed, to be a kind and gentle prince. In this case, despite being a very positive force on Vector’s life, the curse of a Number is still a curse. Eventually Vector loses his initial curse to inherit Don Thousand’s curse.

But the story of “Judge Buster” doesn’t end there. It continues into the story of Vector’s Guardian and it’s ascent into a Chaos Monster.

The Guardian of the Cursed Royal Palace is a very interesting one. Vector is unique because his Guardian is completely unrelated to his Mythyrian Number, unlike Jinlon and Abyss for example. Vector’s Guardian does not speak and can only be described as a feral, bloodthirsty beast.

This guy is based off of another card called “Minotaurus” or (“Battle Ox” in the TCG). Despite not being related to the Mythyrian Number like the other Guardians, Minotaurus is completely related to Vector’s story. It’s flavor states “A cattle monster with tremendous power. It mows down anything with a single axe swing.” 

Now, there are several things to note here. An obvious one is that the Guardian is a Minotaur. In real life, the Minotaur derives from Greek Mythology. It is a beast that commonly resides in Labyrinths waiting for sacrificial maidens. With this detail, there is a direct connection to Vector’s story in two ways. 

First is that Vector describes his palace as a “Labyrinth of Screams” and second is that he lured Nasch into a Labyrinth to kill him. Two very prominent settings in the Vector’s story. 

Minotaurus is a deliberate choice made by the writers to tie this theme together, but this is just a neat easter egg. It is the actions of Minotaurus is what counts. 

The other thing is that Minotaurus’ weapon of choice, its axe, is located on the execution slab where Vector beheads his enemies.

Finally, and the one that I think is the most interesting and peculiar, is that the axe has Vector’s Mythyrian Number embedded in it. 

This is highly significant because if we look at all the other low-grade Emperors, their Mythyrian Numbers were abandoned when Don Thousand infected them (and they died shortly afterwards while Vector lived a part of his life with his Over-Hundred inside of him). In the end, most of the Mythyrian Numbers we see are held on a pedestal, or given some type of reverence in the afterlife. 

Vector’s card has an axe going through it, like he was trying to get rid of it. 

There’s a lot of assumptions to be made here with the most basic argument being that this detail bears no significance to Vector. BUT my theory is that the spirit of the card manifested to him at some point after he became a ruthless warrior. “Judge Buster” may have been trying to help him, or it was trying to convince him that the Over-Hundred infected his mind. Since Vector is a character filled with doubt and trust-issues, he likely ordered his executioner (Minotaurus or someone else) to behead “Judge Buster”. 

(Also, Vector said he noticed that Don Thousand altered his memories “a long time ago”? It was never stated how Vector found out. I think that he may have gotten this critical information when “Judge Buster” manifested in his past life. Perhaps it told him everything that happened. This means that Vector known the truth about his fate since his past life, and given his slick shrewdness and foresight, perhaps)

So you know when I said that “evil” Vector is probably closer to the “true” Vector than the kind one? It’s due to his relationship with his Mythyrian Number. From this possible encounter in their past life, the end result is that Vector actively rejected the Mythyrian Number’s blessing to accept his cruel heritage, which is thoroughly reinforced in this scene. 

In his duel against Nasch, Vector used “XYZ Discharge” to give Nasch all of his monsters to feint surrender after he found out about his true past. Vector immediately turned around and used “Trick Buster” to blow them up and kill Nasch while his guard was down. This move tells us everything we need to know about Vector. Vector knows of his two lives as a “good” and “terrible” person, and he chose to actively ignore them. The card “Trick Buster” could be seen as a combination of his two curses and what Vector got out of it. “Trick” comes from the trickster nature of “Masquerade Magician” and “Buster” comes from “Judge Buster”. Like with his past encounter with “Judge Buster” (which should’ve been able to repel the curse of the Over-Hundred) Vector rejected and executed his Mythyrian Number as he did with this new, possible redemption. 

He made that choice. He made both of these choices on his own free will. This is a major reason why Vector is described as “evil for evil’s sake”. When given a chance at redemption after he “found out” about his true past, instead of rejecting the life that Don Thousand gave him, Vector staight up said he doesnt give a fuck if he was supposed to be a good person. It’s kind of incredible and I think that’s just,,, wow i love him. 

And to add onto this fact, we need to talk about the Mythyrian Chaos Numbers, which is an oxymoron in the Zexal universe. “Judge Buster” and “Abyss Splash” (Vector and Nasch’s Mythyrians respectively) are the only Mythyrians who become Chaos monsters as well as being the only Emperors who use their own Mythyrian Numbers (Gilag doesn’t count due to raccoon-related shenanigans). This holds some discussion between these two, but I can’t really talk about it until I talk about Nasch.

However, what I want to say is that Vector chooses to use his Mythyrian Number. Although he randomly summoned it with a card effect, Vector plays his Mythyrian Number. Likewise in my discussion with Alito’s ruins, the Mythyrian Numbers have a purifying effect on the Emperors. It reveals their true, unaltered personalities. By choosing to use a Mythyrian and subsequently revealing his true nature, the cruel person we see is just how Vector is. His usage of “Trick Buster” backs this up. I don’t think it's a coincidence that Vector and Nasch, arguably the strongest of the Emperors, are also the ones who accept their Mythyrian Numbers yet still end up in Barian World. They are also the only ones that were able to Chaosify their Mythyrians, with Nasch performing a proper Chaos summon while Vector pulled into “Chaos Number 65: Split-Decision Demon King - Judge Devil” by luck.

Because of his denial of the Mythyrian Number despite being aware of its existence, Vector is the only Emperor that isn’t described as heroic in his legend. By being an active participant in his descent into Barian World, Vector cannot have a heroic legend like the others. He is simply a vile person who likely deserved his spot in Barian World. 

Now that we got that down, why did Vector end up in Barian World despite being his “true personality”? A simple answer is that Barian World represents Hell, and Vector deserved to go there. However, it’s repeatedly stated in the show that Chaotic persons end up in Barian World, not bad persons. 

And Chaos is complex due to the range of characters it goes through.

Like, this is a massive list of personalities, and they are all canon Chaos creatures. 

And if you haven't noticed, I haven’t discussed the Cursed Royal Palace’s duel yet. This is because it occurred between Black Mist and Astral, and it has little relevance to Vector himself. However, that battle ties into the complexities of Chaos that I will continue with Nasch and Merag’s Legend, as well as the rest of Vector’s story.  

Bye.

[moonchair]

i just dremt that i accidentally pressed the deactivate button on my blog so i panicked and decided to open my eyes and wake up before tumblr could return the message that i successfully deleted it

[armedjoy]

a long and (later on) personal post about my engagement and future on this site beneath the cut

to start, some observations about my time here:

disco elysium holds the record for the first fandom im truly engaging with. i check the tags, read the 'spinoff' fiction, its fun. one could say our ideological milieus here are themselves a fandom, but in terms of something thats strictly media, this is it. going on 11 years here and thats what broke the streak, its that fucking good.

i regret deleting my sideblog 'information-nexus' back in '15. it was an organized and well-tagged news, theory, "how-to", and resource blog, but it was taking way too much of my time. i was attempting to make a whole ass virtual library on tumblr, which is far too ambitious for one person, especially considering that it would never pay bills. i shouldve opened it up to some friends to co-mod it and dialed back my involvement. oh well

i regret less the deletion of 'film-space' in '14. posts were just the movie poster with a brief summary of the plot and then a quick review. i came up with my own system that reworked the 4 star ratings into how id recommend based on genre preferences. film reviews in print seem to belabor the point and online reviews seem to lean too heavily on arbitrarily defined scoring. the point should be to either encourage or dissuade readers from seeing it, not remind them you're the wittiest person in the room or that you've atomized the medium into an exploded diagram, and i held to that. it forced me to watch movies more critically wrt to both the art form and the politics it portrayed. but i took an extended break from the site and lost momentum. it just seemed... pointless

ive been pretty bad with managing every inbox/ chat ive ever had - except this one, the personal blog. i tell myself "i'll get around to answering that" and thats been a lie most of the time. the vast majority of my time here is spent reading things that cross my dash, so getting a question on a completely different subject seems to exceed my bandwidth. i genuinely enjoy most of my interactions here but im simply not in the correct mindset most days. that said, most of the mail 'left-reminders' has gotten just feels like im being asked to do an undergrads homework.

i havent posted my face in, what, 8 years? which i might change. i mean im already fucked - ive posted some wild shit before [REDACTED] was a meme, and my face is already linked to this blog & backed up somewhere at fort meade. whats another hole in an already sunk ship, yeah?

funnily enough, i originally joined to post my photography & short stories. look how that turned out lmao

why am i posting this? ive been seriously evaluating my continued presence here. for some time ive had a desire to leave, which up to this point has been greatly outweighed by the reasons to stay. there are other platforms that are bigger, faster, algorithmically supercharged to provide every niche interest you allow it to know... but im still not as invested as i am here. tumblr's appeal is equal parts utilitarian and sentimental - no other platform has been this educational, informing, and entertaining. this place really is the internets bleeding edge for both humor and anarchist/ communist discourse. and for more personal reasons, i have greatly valued sharing this little corner of the internet with you all. i have enjoyed sharing each of your interests and discussions, witnessing your personal developments. know that this random guy on the internet is & always has been rooting for you.

ive had some serious rough patches over the last decade, and ive used this site as a grounding rod as much as a resource and social outlet. but my friend group is vast now, im living healthier, and im making positive changes. for the first in a very long time, i am truly feeling better, finally moving beyond 'managing' into 'growing.' and more than anything, i need to grow creatively.

simply put, writing fiction is the calling of my heart. and if im to commit to it, i cannot divide my attention. beyond being my sole committed creative outlet, it helps me manage daily life. writing feels like gardening: in the structure it builds to do it right, the determination it requires to continue when i fail, and the joy it inspires when i create. when an idea settles in and i can piece it together while going about my day, only sitting down to write when i know most of it. the emotion i experience after unwinding something that has rooted itself around my mind is tremendous and complicated - it feels like an exorcism, of sorts. the feverishness that seizes me to get it all down before it slips away, the relief when i know i can finally move on, the pride of creation, and the dreadful anticipation of being read - all of it is a bittersweet cup that i will gladly return to.

i need to make space for that, with whatever little amount of bandwidth i have to work with. i refuse to wake up one day knowing that i have postponed the only thing thats ever meant a damn to me, only to realize ive run out of time. i will not squander whats left.

at some point, i know i need to put this behind me. this, and several other self-imposed obligations, must greatly diminish or disappear entirely. it might be in a few weeks or a year, but it has to happen. i might keep this one up, sporadically popping in for occasional exchanges, and pass off the sideblogs to someone else. i've already scrubbed the archive. or maybe i'll just delete entirely; perhaps virtual presences are best if they resembled a sand mandala, something designed to be swept away to make space for something - or someone - new.

i had to write this down, get this all out, if only for myself. i cannot begin to estimate the amount of time ive spent here, so it had to be said for my own reconciliation of that time... and to keep myself to it.

when im ready to leave, i'll let you all know.

[hamiltontrashaccount]

things get really hard when you have multiple blogs bc youll want to post something on one and accidentally post it on the other so gotta go copy and paste it then delete that post then go back and make a new post on the right blog and uuuuuuugggghhhhhhh i shouldve just stayed with one blog why am i a MESS