#here we go writing an essay in the tags now too lmao

[coridallasmultipass]

Personal vent and ugly mental illness symptom talk

So, I should unpack this with my therapist, but shit's embarrassing, so I'm just gonna vent it out on the public internet lmao.

I was typing out a whole thing about how I KNOW I'm aromantic, and despite that, still have moments where my brain gaslights me into believing I'm in fairytale love.

I should preface by saying I have not officially been diagnosed with either additional mental illnesses I believe that I have (B.P//D and AD//HD [which lol being on AD//HD meds since antidepressants didn't do anything has given me some notable improvement, but I'm still without a diagnosis], nor Au//tism) DESPITE repeatedly asking multiple therapists multiple times and a psych like 100 times to give me a definitive yes or a no.

But holy shit. So I'm typing about how I've 'Favourite Person'-ed multiple people at multiple points in my life across all ages, and I'm like, okay, it's been a hot minute since I refreshed my definition of that, I should make sure that's still a thing and not something I just made up or has been dropped from the symptoms or whatever the case. I wanna make sure I'm using it right in this rant about how falling into Favourite Personing people in the past has made me believe 'wait, maybe I'm not aro, this HAS to be like the deepest truest love in existence, despite my years of knowing I'm aro.' Like, I'm so aro I once calculated out the date, months in advance, I was gonna tell someone I was dating that I loved them, only because it seemed like a socially acceptable amount of time to say it. I wasn't thinking about what I actually felt lmao. (And that was probably not a FP relationship, too, so I know that was absolutely an aro incident.)

Anyways, so I'm reading a couple articles to make sure I articulate my points about how it's conflicted with being aro, and I read about how people falling into having a FP will even hate that person for the slightest perceived wrongs. (I knew this, I just was thinking about the love incidents since that's what was related to my point about being aro.)

And holy shit. That just. Unlocked a memory I have about when I was an older kid, like probably 9ish (and older), I HATED my best friend of many years and who would continue being my bff for more years. Who was my everything. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated them. I would lie awake at night (insomnia too tho) thinking about how much I hated them and I couldn't understand why I didn't just stop being their friend and start hanging out with old friends more instead. I just couldn't do it, I wanted to hang out with THEM. I was so sick and feeling jealous of them whenever I found out they'd been hanging out with someone else one-on-one and I wasn't invited. Even when it was their own family. One time they brought me a plate of cookies by surprise for (before) a holiday that they'd just made with their cousin or something. And I felt so sick about how I wasn't there for that, it felt like an insult. I couldn't have put this into words, unless I just now read that point in an article and made a connection. It was so confusing, because usually the people who hated their 'best friend' was like, the mean girl kinda character who intentionally does it to hurt the innocent main character or something, but I was the one who felt wronged every time those feelings would come up. And this wasn't just a 'man it's so annoying when they do this specific thing.' This was active stewing, in a slow cooker, all day and all night kinda thing.

I was never romantically or sexually attracted to that person, but I probably wrote all this off as either unrelated sexuality or gender bullshit when I figured that out later. But knowing now that there was definitely someone (actually, I'm thinking of WAY more people as I'm typing this, and just realized why I stopped loving a band and started hating them 'for no reason' wow lmao) that I FP'ed who I definitely WASN'T attracted to, suddenly convinces me that I was probably right in suspecting B.P//D. (Or, y'know, maybe I don't have that specifically, and it's the symptom from a different facet of mental illness or whatever.) I've been so hung up over how I'm aro, sometimes ace, and then this 'only' happens towards people I am attracted to. Like, 'maybe it was love and I'm just terrible at it.' (No! It's not! Aro is correct! That's just the brain manipulating me to get another hit of dopamine off a FP! It's just easier to happen to someone I'm attracted to!)

It's no fucking wonder why I always worried about people hating me in secret, and it's because I was absolutely making myself insufferable because of that worry. I know for a fact that some people definitely did hate (or. Lmao. Shut up. Like, 'resented' maybe fits better) me for demanding constant attention that was never reciprocated by anyone I've ever met in my entire life.

I probably wrote-off so many symptoms as 'I was a moody teen and kind of an asshole.' Except it happened before and after I was a teen, too. I would have excused everything that happened during and before high school, when I should have been looking for these patterns I kept following for years after. It doesn't help that my first relationship was wildly toxic (mostly against me in this one case), and while I didn't feel particularly bothered by it after I got over the nightmare breakup, I just kept going 'What if it was the sole cause of all of this and I'm just repressing that?' Well, phew! No, it's not, that was thankfully just a toxic embarrassment, and not the source of all my problems. I was already on the shitstorm trajectory. That's a major relief. If you can call it that. I really don't like discussing that one, but not in a trauma way, more like a, you don't really wanna discuss pissing your pants on accident kinda way. Unpleasant to remember, wildly embarrassing to talk about, but ultimately not a life-altering event.

Ughhhhh. Maybe I should bring this (the mental illness not the relationship) up to the therapist. But like, I haven't been close friends with anyone in like 6 years or so, so I don't have any current or even recent examples about how being in friendships has always turned out Russian Roulette for me. My therapist doesn't seem to believe how bad it was for me to be in friendships where I was unintentionally FP'ing someone. Because besides the depression and anxiety (and mild OCD), I'm a totally normal person to her who's just dealing with shit health problems and grief (and frustration from being trans and not in a safe place to transition). Y'know, normal life problems most people will feel at some point, just chronic in my case. I may be weird, but I'm obviously far from the worst she's seen. I'm not uniquely mentally ill.

((Except the whole 'treatment resistant depression' diagnosis bullshit from the psych, but I'm learning it's not just mental issues I have that are treatment resistant lol.))

I tried talking to her about a small part of all this before, but IDK what I did wrong, she took it 100% as me being the one unintentionally wronged and not setting MY own boundaries (lmao), so like I don't know how to word this in a way she'd understand that most of my problems in this area were my own fault. (I mean that both negatively and neutrally, because it's an ugly side of mental illness, but not one I chose or know how to help.)

Not being in close friendships with anyone has had an understandably sane-ifying effect on me (barring the, y'know, depression/anxiety/OCD and baseline weirdness), which has gotten me trapped for the 5th time in 6 years of making my therapists believe I'm better off than I actually am. (I've done this to every therapist I've ever had before that, too.) But like, again, at least for the past 3 therapists and the latest psych, I AM actually better for not having close friends lmao. Only one therapist ever had one visit of me wanting to address these concerns specifically while they were currently active, and by the next visit, we had to shift exclusively to sudden new grief lol. (What a shitshow. It somehow always ends up that whenever I wanna treat an illness, it's like opening a can of worms, except the worms are firecrackers and I didn't set the can down and step back a few feet.)

Like, it obviously feels safer to not have close friends at all because there's no fear of abandonment if I have no one to begin with. And, genuinely, I operate better when I'm alone. But now that I've known safety, it's hard to imagine throwing myself back into the roulette wheel, hoping I don't land on red OR black. But fuck, man. It is lonely.

And being aro? It's freeing, and validating too, to have a word for it, but I'm not gonna mince words here, I hate it. I wish I could feel romantic love. Like normal, not mentally ill ""love."" I feel platonic love all the time, like for friends (not FP) always. I love saying 'I love you' to friends and meaning it. But I want to feel romantic love. I just don't. I just feel friendship, Favoriting, and/or sexual attraction sometimes. Probably why I'm so into shipping and fanfics. I got a lot more "probably why's" but I don't wanna go down that in this already vulnerable post lol. (I already made a whole post about one of the why's back in like 2013 or 14 lmao, without connecting it to this.)

Anyway, I put this whole mental illness and relationships deal into ugly imagery in a current fic WIP I'm working on, since recognizing I was aro took living through FP'ing a few 'romantic' relationships, before I even first heard the term FP. I only saw my experiences as 'I don't think I've been experiencing love' and that by itself felt like it fit. I didn't realize there was anything wrong, even as I outwardly said shit like 'I don't think I'm fit for being in a relationship' to the few people who asked me out, even when I wanted to say yes.

And then I kept trying to make relationships work lmao. I don't know why I even bothered. I just wanted to be wrong about being aro, especially when it was a point of contention (aro and ace separately) with some of the relationships.

I'd probably have to meet another aro person of the exact same flavour of aromanticism to make it work, but even then the mental illness would just be a ticking time bomb. No one wants to be the recipient of FP 'affection', except maybe sometimes the fictional people in a certain fiction trope that winds up being fetishistic, even if it's not intended to insult real people (but sometimes it is). And it's just a reminder of how I was probably a big source of toxicity for probably half the people who have ever been close with me, if it's even half of how fiction portrays people with this symptom.

I dunno where I wanted to end this vent, so here's probably a good place. Just wanted to get this off my chest, because it just now felt like a pretty big revelation that my problems weren't related to romanticism, I've had purely platonic instances of this dating back to being an older kid, and more during high school, and I just never connected the two before now.

[butch-reidentified]

ima go ahead n answer both these at once if that's good w yall.

here's the referenced post for anyone who missed it.

I've posted a LOT about adoption before. feel free to search #adoption, #ethical adoption, #adoptee or #adopted, etc in my tags for those posts. if you can't find them bc Tumblr is shit at searching lmk and I will try to dig em up. I have a Google doc of organized/categorized Tumblr links because of the search function being such a joke

anyway that said. what I meant is that it is sooo obvious to most adoptees from a young age that it's a consumer industry and we are a product for sale. most of us who always knew we were adopted have that horrifying realization very very young, far too young to know how to deal with it. yes I am glad when other people figure this out too but it's a bit irritating for non adoptees to act like this is some mystical wisdom they alone could've uncovered when it's part of the trauma inherent to adoption to realize you were purchased 🤷

I'm not against adoption like some adoptees are, but I could write ESSAYS on my criticisms of the industry and how it SHOULD work. in fact, I have written essay length posts about it in the tags listed above. but ultimately nobody gives a fuck & NOBODY of any political orientation wants to hear that adoption perhaps isn't the utterly selfless flawless silver bullet solution to unwanted kids that everyone treats it as. yet statistically we KNOW most adoptees are extremely damaged by it, the research is there but nobody talks about it. nobody likes you if you talk about it. the walls go up real quick.

one of my favorite things is how adoption seems to be the ONE area that absolutely nobody respects lived material experience about. even loads of leftists/radfems who are always going on and on about the importance of listening to people's real, lived experiences will aggressively talk over us adoptees if we dare have the audacity to critique adoption/the adoption industry or acknowledge that it's fuckin traumatic even for an infant being yanked away from the only stimuli you knew for 9 months and put somewhere where you can't recognize yourself in anyone or anything for the next 18+ years. and that's best case scenario! scenario where they don't abuse you or spend your childhood guilt tripping you because they oh so selflessly took you in when nobody wanted you and now look how difficult you are, crying all the time n shit... just as 1 common experience I know many share from my own life and talking to other adoptees.

but nearly every time we try to talk about this, even if it has nothing to do with criticizing the adoption industry and we are JUST tryna get painful shit off our chest, some non adoptee or 8 is/are gonna jump down our throat (and often even say all the same shit our parents guilted us with as kids lmao)

it's also 1000% a feminist issue bc SO many mothers are forced into adopting out a kid they wanna keep, or adoption being available is used to justify forcing women to give birth instead of aborting an unwanted pregnancy when those women would otherwise choose the latter. not to mention the designer baby shit & the preference for white male babies... and the fact that it's human beings being literally sold as a good. Just because it's legal and isn't outright sex slavery or "forced labor" (tho adopted kids are so often viciously abused and often in those exact ways) doesn't make it right to buy or sell a human being, doesn't make it not human trafficking. & I say this as an adoptee who was ALSO trafficked as a teenager.

[morningberriesao3]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

tysm to @runninriot for the tag. tbh i often don’t do these things ‘cause I never have anyone else to tag to keep the chain going, but this one is too fun not to 💕

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

currently—13. 10 are completed, 2 are old wips, 1 is my current wip. baker’s dozen.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

431, 629 and counting 😳

3. What fandoms do you write for?

stranger things, exclusively. no other fandom inspires me the same way.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Many Ways, Many Days, to Say ‘I Love You’

Dirty Words

Done Deal

Sneaky Link

Sweet Surrender

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

YES. omg i will always respond to a comment because they make me wildly happy. although sometimes (currently), i feel too overwhelmed to reply right away and i end up with an overflowing inbox. right now i have 200 unanswered comments that i WILL reply to 😂

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

as far as finished fics, Hate the Way It Feels So Good has, i guess, the most unsatisfying ending. generally i always write HEA. although i have a wip that was never supposed to end happily: Wicked, to Let Me Dream of You.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i’d say Sweet Surrender is the happiest considering all the angst you have to read to get there 😂 but like i said, most have a happy ending

8. Do you get hate on fics?

generally, no. but i have gotten more hate than anyone i’ve talked to about it! (certain word choices ‘ruining’ an entire fic for someone, grammar corrections, people telling me i’m a liar when i didn’t upload fast enough… all mostly surface stuff that hasn’t been too bad yet 😩)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

the real question is: have i ever not written smut? and the answer to that is no. what kind? every kind. tame, not-so-tame, porn with plot, porn with feelings, gross stuff, cute stuff, you name it 😉

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

not really. the closest i’ve been to writing a crossover is How I’d Kill, in which the first few chaps are pretty inspired by ACOTAR.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not copy and pasted, as far as i know. there have been a few instances where i’ve noticed bigger accounts posting eerily similar plot lines to some of the stuff i’ve written, but i’m 100% sure it’s just coincidence. we have to remember nothing is outright original when it comes to plot. as long as you’re not intentionally plagiarizing someone’s work, similarities are bound to happen.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no!! i’ve never had a translation, a pod fic, or artwork done for any of my fics! i’m just out here in my own little bubble lmao

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

i haven’t! although i’ve definitely talked about it with @the-unforgivenn!! i get nervous because i’m such a procrastinator when it comes to getting my own fics done—i don’t want to drag someone else down 😂

14. What’s you’re all time favourite ship?

take a wild guess.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i honestly hope/plan to finish ALL of my posted wips, even though a couple are on pause. there’s a few saved on my laptop that I’m sure will never see the light of day hahaha

16. What are your writing strengths?

i’m blind to my own writing so it’s hard to say. i’d like to think just general improvement as i’ve written more/read more. a lot of repeat readers have complimented me on how i write angst so maybe that?!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

i could write an essay on this. first—no matter how many times i read through my fics—there’s some autocorrect that i missed or a spelling error or just SOMETHING 😂 not to mention the procrastinating. always getting major writer’s block. and generally being very hard on myself.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i MIGHT be able to get away with a few french phrases here and there, being half french, but in general i only know english well enough to write. reading? LOVE it. make all the characters multilingual—i’ll have google translate ready.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

stranger things 🥹 and most likely will be the only fandom i ever write for. (unless you count the RPF i wrote and will NEVER publish about joseph quinn 💀)

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

i personally think my best written fic is How I’d Kill, but Sweet Surrender will always be my favourite just by default—there was no better feeling as a first time writer reading the lovely comments that i got on that fic. i’ll never forget it 🥹

no pressure tags:

@numinosmoon @cuips-not-cute @bettyfrommars @the-unforgivenn @rip-quizilla @etherealmontilyet @wroteclassicaly @wynnyfryd

sorry if you’ve already been tagged or just plain old don’t want to do it 💕

[sadquickchristmassnowman]

Hi! I follow 'the good place' tag and saw your cry for distraction. Seeing as I don't know your blog at all, may I ask: Do you have any uncommon headcanons about tgp that you'd like to share? Additionally/Alternatively, do you have a favourite member of team cockroach? Why (are they your favourite/do you not have any favourites)? Good luck on your grades!

hey! thanks for the ask dude, even though we’ve never interacted before. I don’t talk about tgp a ton on here but it is my #1 favorite sitcom. so thanks for this opportunity to ramble a little bit 💯

this is only sort of a headcannon? it’s more of a connection I made that might not have necessarily been intentional. in the scene where jason and tahani break off their casual relationship (I think it’s from s2ep10 “best self” ?) jason starts telling a super unhinged story about robbing a pet store with his mom, then finishes it off with “it was all a dream.” but then, in s4ep8 “the funeral to end all funerals” we find out that jason’s mom actually died of cancer when he was really young. as we know, in jason’s family, commiting crimes and going through with half-baked get-rich-quick schemes was an important part of his family dynamic, and that’s basically the entire basis of his relationship with his dad.

basically, now I just can’t stop thinking about a teenage jason, who lost his mom a few years back, having a dream about doing a scheme with his mom— actually being able to bond with someone who was taken from him too soon.

I have no idea if this was intentional, but it’s canon to me lmao. he just misses his mom :(

also, it’s really cool to go through all of jason’s unhinged anecdotes from his life on Earth. everything he says connects, and just. his whole backstory is So well thought out, even when we just get tiny snippets of memories and stories throughout the series. I guess you could say that for all four of the humans, but the continuity in jason’s stories stands out most to me. this show is on another level and I love it so much

and, obviously I love all the members of team cockroach. it’s so so difficult to try to pick a favorite. they all have amazing character development throughout the show (tgp has some of my favorite character work I have ever seen), they’re all funny, and all of the actors really put their entire souls into their roles. honestly, michael is probably my favorite (ted danson is phenomenal, and all his line deliveries and mannerisms are just really entertaining to me.) but, I really do love all of them and picking a favorite is so difficult. I could write an essay on why I love each of them lmao. leaving a picture of them here as a sign off :)

[llycaons]

I’ll make this my last message since I don’t want you having to spend all day on another 15-paragraph essay because that’s just sad. I’d just like to state a point that apparently didn’t come across in my original message—one I didn’t think I *had* to state—which is that fanfiction *isn’t* published fiction. It’s amateur, free content on the internet and shouldn’t be held to the same critical standards and practices as critiquing trad pub fiction. That’s why it’s bad etiquette to, say, put fic on Goodreads, for example. Again, didn’t think I’d have to say that to someone who obviously spends so much time (so, *so* much time) reading fanfic, but here we are!

And just a note: if it’s ableist to say the word “weird” to you specifically and insinuate you, specifically, should go outside—which I *know* you do, I literally used to follow you lmao—then I sincerely apologize. That being said, I *know* you go outside, so I fail to see how that’s a broader shot at the housebound when… you are not. And I know that. And it’s shitty that you’d turn around and banter with your mutual who’s calling me a cunt. That’s fair game somehow, but “weird” is too far? Ok lol. Guess your pearl-clutching over what’s problematic only goes one way. Good to know 👍 Will hard block then! Cheers

it's a good thing that this is their last message but since they're hard-blocking it feels like a waste to even answer this one. I don't even have any other arguments since I was so thorough and said everything I wanted and ig they have no actual rebuttals so I'm taking this win. 'don't want me to spend all day writing 15 paragraphs' yeah right, they just don't want their argument to be DEMOLISHED again lmao and I don't think it's sad, I like covering all my bases. man I smoked that one. and I didn't spend all day on it, it took like half an hour? I was at work all day man lmao. and now I'm being held responsible for things other ppl have said? I mean I stand with my mutuals, but I literally never said that stuff in the actual reply

like I never said fanfic was just like real books, I just said you need to be held responsible for what media you create? did anon even READ my carefully crafted responses? friends. I am bereft. they're asking like this was an obvious oversight on my part but it's just inane to act like not being published equates to freedom from all criticism, which is what I SAID. it's not formal criticism, it's just what I think. you remember thinking? I can't turn it off! and since when was my SINGLE page a goodreads account?

as soon as they pull out the term 'pearl-clutching'...man how did this cunt used to follow me. that's right. I didn't even call then a cunt earlier when kiera did (WHAT bantering??? I posted my response AFTER I got this message) but now I WILL. you gotta be careful about who you tell to go outside, anon. and calling ppl a cunt isn't ableist lmao and I think it's perfectly reasonable in this situation. also if they used to follow me wouldn't they know my views already? what did they think would happen??? and since WHEN was saying cunt problematic???

and furthermore I appreciate the apology bc the comment about my tagging WAS out of line but irrelevant. my bigger complaint was more that 'weird' was a really vague criticism of my behavior. like nothing in ANY of those messages was compelling arguments that I should feel bad about what I was doing they just kept leaning on the morality of the words 'weird' and 'strange'. also just because you used to follow doesn't me you know me as a person?? ugh I just have to call them a presumptuous cunt again I'm afraid.

however this is bar none THE stupidest person I've ever argued on anon with so I will be sorry to see them go. it was so easy to win their weak, unsubstantial, shame-and-normalcy-based but somehow unapologetically amoral arguments...well it looks like I've written another lengthy response but that's fine, I like to chat on my blog to my neighbors and friends and anon shan't shame me out of that one either. how are we all this morning.

[c1tyhaunts]

─ PEOPLE I'D LIKE TO KNOW BETTER !

ALIAS / NAME : jacket.jpg (the handle to most of my socmed) or xera (alias) BIRTHDAY : September 19th ZODIAC SIGN : Virgo HEIGHT : 5'4" HOBBIES : writing, listening to music, weight lifting, watching youtube essays, reading novels & manga - i keep myself busy lmao FAVOURITE COLOUR : pastels or jewel-toned cool colors, including purples, blues, greens; also black & brown lol FAVOURITE BOOK : Mexican Gothic by S*lvia M*reno-G*rcia still ranks as one of my favorites; great descriptions, eldritch horror, and one of the better well written romance side plots. plus the final chapter? slays me every time LAST SONG : I'm right now powering through the new Ar*ana Gr*nde album as i write this so eternal sunshine. LAST FILM / SHOW : ... my boys and i were binging the live action ATLA to judge it. it's very, very mid. Now currently watching Iron Reign at the request of @artmadc RECENT READS : Pride & Prejudice for my book club, personal reads included House of Cotton by M*nica Br*shears (Great stylistically, content wise? Very, very strange. I'm still conflicted), Grown by T*ffany J*ckson (An AMAZING READ), and Heartsick by Ch*lsea C*in (give me hannibal lecter but make her a woman; we accept woman's wrongs here) INSPIRATION : BOYYYYY I am heavily, heavily inspired by the music I'm listening to in the moment, so here's a few albums that have my current Brain Rot™ for the blog. tl;dr: i love messy people ↪ Dead Club City - N*thing But Thieves (biggest blog inspo RN) ↪ Dawn FM - The W*eknd ↪ After Hours - The W*eknd ↪ Lemonade - B*yonce STORY BEHIND URL : ↪ based on the song "City Haunts" by N*thing But Thieves; the album, DEAD CLUB CITY, has a loose plot based in the fictional city that the album's named after, and City Haunts is the end of one of the character's story lines from the album. The vague premise of "City Haunts" is that the character we are following in this context is choosing to stay in Dead Club City, letting themselves succumb to the madness and vices that keeps them tied to the city. Which these eight characters on the blog have some sort of Vice/Virtue that they've succumbed to that they need to climb out of (or not, I promote character detractment instead of growth). ↪ the url is also a reference to a "haunt" on multiple levels - a) a place frequented by a specific person or group of people, b) to continually seek the company of, or c) to stay around or persist; for all the characters on this blog, I feel like each of them are going their own "haunt", whether they are doing the haunting themselves or they continue to linger / stagnante in a place they shouldn't. They're all haunting this so-called "Dead Club City" and they have to figure out what to do there... Plus, the url looks cool. FUN FACT ABOUT ME : I've been one of the top performers at my job for the past 2+ years which is apparently achievement. Sales is a scam. Don't do it kids.

tagged by: @artmadc <3 tagging: i love goin down my most recent follows w this meme so @allevils, @obrighta/@haeymitch (whichever!), @rottine, @fiendrites, @bloodykneestm and YOU, cause I wanna get to know you too :)

[fractalkiss]

fic commentary/notes for the year you thought you were dying.

trying this thing where i do fic commentaries here instead of on dreamwidth since most of my recent dw posts will be private now.

influences:

there was this BL titled "my 40-year-old prostitute" in english or something like that that a mutual from twt recommended. look, it was good. im so fucking serious. the yaoi art was beautiful and sexy and it started out so well with compelling characters. but the translators ceased uploading translations by just chapter 2 in 2020 on [redacted] site. which effectively meant the premise never left me for months and i was so sad.

joke's on me tho all of this really became serious after i wrote tumblr ficlets of 1418 hooker au in response to some fun ask prompts in the summer, which are in my fic tag somewhere.

some quotes from more influences:

"It’s obvious that the range of people who sought out sex for money would change dramatically in a kinder, gentler world. [...] Sex work would also attract stone butches of all genders and sexual orientations—people who want to run the fuck but are not interested in experiencing their own sexual vulnerability and pleasure. Often these people are the most adept at manipulating other people’s experiences. They are more objective about their partners’ fantasies and do not become distracted by their own desires, since their needs to remain remote and in control are already being fulfilled. - pat califa, 1994, 2000

"You. What will you let yourself become for me?" - dorothy allison, her thighs, 1992.

the essay "her thighs" is about lesbian power play and so influential to me. i think dorothy allison is a very powerful writer and i love her poetry.

this is an allison excerpt from jane ward's the tragedy of heterosexuality:

i kept this in mind too while i was writing manuela's short backstory.

the process:

i wanted crazy thangs with the structure. i wanted most of the sexual intimacy to be revealed much later to the reader, after we go through mostly the companionship aspect of the service -- which i realise now is not crazy but a boring approach and would really change the story so i didnt do it.

sex pollen fic done this way is my fave tho. helenish wrote this sga fic called This Gun for Hire with sex amnesia in it where everyone is in denial in the aftermath about the kind of sex that was repeatedly happening. there are other fic examples (can't quite remember or have bookmarked) where the denial and delusion is so completely off the charts with a character in trying to get through the aftermath of the event without a freaky sex trope involved.

so i wondered if i could pull off that kind of blurriness and denial in the structure for a character who KNOWS what is happening but thinks they're still straight and will die straight lmao. but fernando in this story is just jaded, retiring and isn't cripplingly repressive.

the notes from my word tracker doc that i had to do to be able to write long fic. i laugh at this every time:

my projected word count for this was 20k, which was so off lmfao.

i put off getting them to have sexy fun in italy at one point because i didn't know yet what emotional point they needed to get to and what grounds they'd be on then. i wrote a bit of a very different scene to lead up to it, but then scrapped it. and then i wrote the auction night and the morning-after scene. tension and conflict (without having to use miscommunication as the necessary crutch) is always one of my most favorite things to write about so i was so glad i got to this point LOL. the payoff of reaching a compromise and then an emotional release later is so rewarding to me! i love that shit

emotionally i just knew i needed it to be like the mindy nettifee poem i grabbed the fic title from.

figuring out how to write lance in this fic was really hard ngl since i went into the story almost blind. cofi made me realise this blind spot when i showed her an early wip and i was like hold awn.... if i wasn't sending @strulovic broken drafts and doing lanceology consultations with her, i wouldn't have gotten anywhere in the story.

alonso being a divorcee irl is so important to each and every one of my agendas thank god for the gay uncle. i did a lot of google searching to be able to write fernando's approach to sex and relationships outside of the job. i knew what i wanted to take away, like the difficulties with intimacy that former workers have had, and still have after the industry sometimes. fernando scrubbing his hands clean at lance's place after the auction despite not having sex with the auction client, his views on wanting the sex with his ex-wife and other exes to be "acceptable and proper" in contrast to whatever he's done for work, and how the internalised homophobia warps this for him while he tries to play the gentleman with lance in italy (and lance being able to read through him and understand that fernando DOES want to fuck him nasty ‼️ though lance doesn't understand the extent of fernando's issue with it). there are also accounts where sex work gave a worker the experience, space and autonomy they needed to slowly heal from prior traumatic and/or abusive experiences. the research was very interesting.

relied on music A LOT. an honorary ldr song [hears collective groaning] that didn't get included in the fic playlist was Love song. lance was in that passenger seat beside fernando in their sleek '67 restored fiat on the way to umbria wishing and wishing to get railed.

ALMOST FORGOT TO INCLUDE: ferrari to mclaren 2.0 fernando was the print here. he keeps the ferrari depression beard ofc.

truly not an overstatement, i think this fic was what made writing smth as long as this quite enjoyable and bearable for me. dare i say fun! haha

[lea-andres]

Tell us about the rarepair that got discovered by the show’s writers!

Hear that? That's the sound of all of my mutuals groaning, because

NEW PERSON ASKING ABOUT BUGBEAR~

(Also, technically it was the comic writers, but same difference lmao)

Okay... *Cracks her knuckles and her neck loudly* SO-

(Art by @hansuart)

This is BugBear, aka Jewel the Beetle and Bark the Polar Bear. I've been losing my absolute mind over this rarepair for... Two years now?

The two have NEVER canonically met, but the pair was inspired by @bitter-sweet-coffee reminding me this moment exists in the IDW Sonic comics:

(Jewel is 2'7" tall, that is Storm the Albatross holding her in that panel, he stands at 4'7" tall. Bark himself is 5'11" tall. This is all important to the madness.)

BSC and I had set out to make a gag ship for laughs initially. How funny would it be to see tiny Jewel paired up with one of the 4 foot plus, muscular characters? It'd be COMICAL-

Until we settled on Bark, and it instantly quit being funny.

Jewel is an anxious sweetheart, and Bark is a shy, soft spoken gentle giant. Both of them have crazy best friends they desperately attempt to wrangle (with little success). They deserve a quiet relationship where they don't have to constantly be on and ready for the other to do something completely insane and potentially dangerous.

Jewel would be a little afraid of Bark upon first meeting him, but she'd see the real him and warm up eventually.

Speaking of warming up, I like to play with the fact that the Sonic characters are animals and bring in what species are cold blooded and warm blooded into my shipping shenanigans. Who would make a better cuddle buddy than A MASSIVE POLAR BEAR???

Checkmate. 😎😂

We only have two fics right now over on AO3. One I'm writing (When the Day Met the Night), the other written by my lovely friend @stillafanofsonic . I will link to theirs, it's a one shot, vs my multichapter nonsense.

So, as for it being discovered by the comic writers... I took a brief peek at your blog and didn't see anything to indicate if you're in the Sonic fandom, so I will keep this brief. Ian Flynn is one of the main writers on the IDW Sonic comics. He also runs a podcast called the BumbleKast, and back on Valentine's Day they made the BOLD DECISION to discuss shipping. Oh boy...

Their guest... Commentator? (I don't go to podcasts typically, not certain what the terminology is for what the speakers are called. 🤷) @/pedanticat (Not sure if they want the tag, so I will spare them from being part of this essay for now.) brought up the ship during the episode, having either seen it floating around on here, or over on Twitter when I posted some art by hansuart and @seagull-scribbles (both posted with permission) over there. And like... BugBear isn't like some other rarer Sonic ships where a couple people might've had the idea independently of each other and it's hard to gauge who got there first. Unless I'm missing someone or something, I'M the first person to mention it, and the art that does exist of it exists because I infected the artists with the same brainrot... So... Oops...

The ship was brought up during the question at 46:03 (Have you ever seen shipping fanart of two Sonic characters that made you go "Huh, I never thought of that pairing, but I could see it working"?) But the exact timestamp it comes into discussion is at 49:11. "A crackship that isn't too crazy" was the verdict. I will take it and be annoying about it forever:

So, long story short... (TOO LATE!), that's how I made a rarepair that got discovered by the main comic people. 😎

Thank you for the question, I'm sorry you got an essay lmao.

[13docwriting]

'Ello! It's me again, giving my VERY long live stream review of Doctor Who, the Wild Blue Yonder.

(I don't do trailers or ANY spoilers for episodes, so it's an honest, gut reaction review RIGHT out of the gates for this one haha)

SPOILERS BELOW:

Once again, my first essay is this: I really, really miss watching it "live" with other fans. And, after a whole week of being active with the fandom, I've realized that spoilers are INSTANT. I couldn't watch this episode right when it was released on Disney plus and I was spoiled JUST by opening Tumblr to start this post. Could I have blocked the tags? Yeah, but I was going to watch the episode only three hours after it had went up, so I assumed I could avoid the worst of it. ANYWAY, my point stands... I'm really going to miss watching it with other fans because I have to make posts like this AND because spoilers are a problem.

NOW THEN.

1. HISTORICAL EPISODE. YES? PROBABLY? IS THAT GOING TO BE NEWTON??? OH HECK YES, THE APPLE FELL IT'S HIM. I looooooove DW historical episodes, oh my god.

2."But don't worry. He's got a time machine, which means he can blame me for all eternity." Donna Noble, stay sassy forever.

3. I CALLED NEWTON. Heck yes!!!!

4. Donna's and the Doctor's chemistry really reigns supreme to me. Now, I wouldn't necessarily pair Donna with 11th or 12th, the dynamic would be wildly different (huh, one day I'll write an essay about that), but the tenth Doctor needed Donna and the fourteenth Doctor appreciates that. It's really, really interesting and so lovely to see, honestly.

7. "The TARDIS played us a war song". Woah boy, here we go, PLOT.

5. It would be the Doctor to mess up history to THAT sort of extreme, wouldn't it lmao. "Mavity" to "gravity" is just too great. Aww, bye Newton! I wish we got more of him.

6. Yo the TARDIS is PISSED!!! Jeez, of course it's possible to have literally ANYTHING happen to the TARDIS, but I never consider "giant flame the likes of which a rocket could fly from" on the docket.

8. Ya know, I can't remember if I've ever seen the TARDIS's top light go on. And also, kudos to the TARDIS for the adorable "ding" noise when it did so, made me smile.

9. Bu-bu-budget. Holy. Cow. The space ship looks so good! Just insane.

10. Donna: "Was it me, or was Isaac Newton hot?" The Doctor: "He was, wasn't he... Oh, is that who I am now?" .... Donna: "well it was never that far from the surface, mate." RTD, as always, SAID "GAY RIGHTS" and I'm here for it. Very much reminded of the Doctor's infamous Shakespeare episode with Martha. "56 academics just punched the air"! But really, if I had heard a conversation like this when I was younger, I would be sobbing. Even if I'm a woman, just having a casual conversation in terms of liking the same sex is so valuable.

11. Why are we constantly losing the TARDIS. 13's era was also infamous for it.

12. Aww them fighting hurt... And you know what hurt more? Watching the Doctor comfort Donna. I mean, it was perfect, but it took SO LONG for the Doctor to be wiling to get there. I love character growth, even 15 years later.

13. "Go and kick its arse" HECK YES, DONNA. You got that right!

14. Doctor: "I know 57,000,000,205 [languages]." MY HEADCANON. Oh, my good old headcanon. So the TARDIS translates for humans but the Doctor knows the languages! I MEAN. It's confirmed!!! AH. I feel like some people would be disappointed by that but it's still cool to know that the Doctor DOES speak different languages. (Yo, my Academy Era fans, could you imagine the Doctor learning all that with the Deca? The Master is losing his mind as we speak.)

15. Once again, a million gold stars to everyone who did the music. It's so FULL.

16. This is a personal thing, but I love when the Doctor has moments that make the title "Time Lord" make sense. The whole "maybe time slowed down?" "No, I'd feel it in my bones." Like, YES, a Time Lord feeling that kind of thing makes sense, thank you!

17. "Allons, as idiots say, y!" oh my god Donna I'd marry you, I swear. Thank you for the sass. Also love the fact that Donna is driving the cart. No idea why, it just makes total sense.

18. Donna: "That's my family over there [one hundred trillion years away]". I have words about Donna having a family, I swear to you, but mostly it's this... Donna's dedication and love for her family is exactly what she needed in her life and I support her whole heartedly. It's beautiful, and perfect, and I do wonder how much of that dedication to keep her family safe comes from the Doctor.

19. I don't know if it's specifically a call back, but 14 licking the "dangerous" thingy felt like a 13 moment and I damn near teared up. Now, him faking being hurt by that? That was either 9 or 12, I can't decide lmao.

20. I'm about 25 minutes into the episode but I sincerely don't know what way this plot is going. We got a goal of "find the TARDIS by removing the danger", we've changed the word "gravity" to "mavity", and we're stuck at the edge of the universe... Love a good mystery, but I'm really wondering where this episode is going.

21. I'm unsure if David Tennant filmed the second season of Good Omens before or after DW, but I JUST saw Crawley's iconic swagger as he was walking away from Donna and I'm here for it haha.

22. I'm getting "half the ship inside a warm hole / Missy, the Doctor, and Bill's" plotline vibes. Does time move differently throughout the ship, just as Donna thought?

23. Donna: "Do you miss home? Gallifrey?" Doctor: "I suppose... But that got complicated." SAY IT, DOCTOR. Please, please, PLEASE. I'd love to hear that parts of 13's plotline live on, PLEASE. I know that's my desire, personally, but I'd kill for it. *Sigh*... But by being cryptic, it might make fans go back to watch her era, and I'd love that too.

24. Hmmm going off of #22... I'm thinking clones instead? OH NOT CLONES. NOT CLONES. Aliens! For sure aliens!

25. Can we talk about the cgi? I mean, it's pretty damn good considering what we had in the past. How crazy is that? Good cgi? Also, kudos to our main leads for their acting here! Always fun to see actors doppelgange themselves lol

26. I am SO FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW. I didn't know this was a horror movie thing! It's December!

27. WE KEPT THE FLUX. WE K E P T T H E F L U X. We have the Timeless Child AND the Flux! We have the Doctor being so, so heartbroken about the Flux, out loud! Oh my god, I could cry. Really, I could give a great big shout. I know RTD mentioned that he was going to keep it, but he didn't have to do it so blatantly and make it a plot point! That's so, so g r e a t. AND- AND it leaves no room for discussion about 13's era! It still has continuality - it's engrained into the Doctor, even with a new writer and the next new writer and the next Doctor!!!! NO ONE CAN TAKE THE TIMELESS CHILD ARC FROM ME IF IT MEANS IT LIVES ON IN ANOTHER DOCTOR. HA.

I will write more about that because, really, it's so important to me. It such a small thing, but 13 Doctor fans can have a good cry tonight. It's so validating.

28. Oh wait, nope, hold on... Not done with point #27. The Doctor punching at the walls after hearing about the Flux and the Timeless child again? Screaming in rage, in pain, in everything that 13 couldn't do - that 13 refused to do, because she couldn't let anyone know she was hurting? 13 kept her walls so high that she tried to convince herself that everything was alright. 14 is the effects of that, a complete change, a metamorphous into that pain and I am LIVING for it. 13 couldn't scream, not properly, but 14 can.

29. Hehe. The Doctor's biggest strength, their intellect, needed to be squashed to save the day? Nope, no way, not in a million years could ANY Doctor do it. One single question and they've gotta solve it until it's done. Side note, if any reader can't tell, I am having a GREAT time. I may not have expect to be scared, but I'm loving it!

30. WILF. WILF. OH MY GOD. Aww wow, just amazing. Just amazing.

Summary: It's nothing like I ever expected. No one was given any hints about this episode and I find myself... Pretty happy with it. It's a convoluted plot, that's for sure, but it was fun as all heck. Scary! I mean, heart pounding, VERY close to the Midnight episode scary, but good! Random! Oddly randomly, I really don't know where to rank this episode. It feels a bit like it was thrown in just to have an episode, but that also doesn't necessarily make it bad.

I do think a lot of it was cushioned by some really good acting and characterization. The plot was slow going in a strange way, once again cushioned by nostalgia and everyone's need to see the tenth Doctor and Donna again. BUT, episodes like this make me excited (and nervous) to see how RTD is going to handle a brand new Doctor.

I will have a speech about RTD keeping the Timeless Child. A very long speech. But know that I, personally, am very thankful.

[im-a-chunky-potato]

I think you're

A kid

chuuya coded /j. you're very sigma + atsushi coded. plus a little dab of chemical X (nikolai humor as per your own words)

very nice. I saw you reblogging someone's post and leaving rlly kind/encouraging words in the tags.

fun to talk to, funny, kind, genuine potato 🥔

I think you really like mashed potatoes 🤭

You remind me of my other friend named Julienne 😭 (I swear if it turns out you're her, im gonna kms /j)

You've got artistic potential ✨

Kinda scared that you're the type to keep it to yourself if something bothers you (its cause of my other friend, sorry 😭) <<< if something bothers you, let them know, ayt? Your feelings matter lmao. Your feelings COME FIRST.

I hope you have fun and good friends at school/work cause you deserve it 💅💖

you've carry the group projects 💅 (usually the vice leader if not the actual leader. That OR you're a really helpful member who makes sure to contribute)

go finish that sigma rabbit analysis lmao. 🐰🐰🐰 /j

I think you're very rabbit coded too (in a way. Not going to elaborate lol.)

I'll never get over the fact that you compared yourself to a kid with a leash 😭😭

xoxo,

your secret admirer 😏

(̶J̶K̶ P̶L̶S̶ D̶O̶N̶T̶ C̶A̶L̶L̶ T̶H̶E̶ C̶O̶P̶S̶)̶

...WHY ON EARTH DID YOU WRITE AN ENTIRE ESSAY'S WORTH OF THINGS ABOUT ME. Actually, I'm flattered but also confused about the amount of effort you put into this.

Technically you are correct, but I will still fight you on this >:(

Htgsgs how dare you say that🐕.Yeah, I'm the Atsushi type heh!

You'd be right! To quote the wonderful Vash the Stampede- love and peace ✌️! I just like knowing I made someone smile or a bit happier<3

...I swear you're trying to kill me. But thank you! I'm surprised this name has stuck and just became my thing but it's kind of cool🥔 I hope all of my mutuals can never see potatoes the same again.

Htgsgs mashed potatoes are really good. But in all actuality my favorite food is Alfredo or any sort of pasta!

Your friend sounds awesome then. I hope she torments you irl as much as I do online! (Ooh hold on is that the same friend who thought you were texting a crush and you had to explain tumblr to?)

Aw ty! That was the first sketch I've done since forever. Hair is hard. And eyes. And faces. And... you get the point. I do want to improve though, so I'll keep trying.

I'll keep that in mind! And no worries, honestly the fact that you care about me enough to say that is really comforting. (Hah I'm attached to you now, it's all going downhill from here)

Thanks! I hope the same for you. My friends are awesome! They're the ones who also get to see my Nikolai side so it's fortunate they stay/j. Fun fact: I'm one of the giggliest people alive, so it's way to easy for them to make me laugh.

I could never be the leader lol, I don't have the confidence to tell other people what to do. But I'd say I'm the vice leader.

But that involves work... and effort... Actually I plan to get to it at some point. I'm impressed people are actually curious (aka I didn't plan for people to actually want to see my reasons, woops)

...Yeah I can see it.

THAT WAS ONE JOKE! Hstgs actually I'm glad you liked it. But if that's how you envision me now I will be sure to invoke all sorts of pain upon you🥰

I'll see you in court wakanai🫵 (I'm joking I would never do that to my fedya. If we go to jail we're doing it together!❤️ )

Xoxo, you're favorite potato<3

Sorry this took so long to write! And thanks a lot for all of the kind words, you have no clue how much I was smiling while making this.

[peapod20001]

can we know more abt Ayo pls.... what is his Deal. what is his Job. how does he know Lucas? what's going on with their relationship?

YES

Funfact he’s one of my OLDERRR oc guys.. like. Me in my batim ask blog days old. His original look doodad thingy is on the same canvas I first drew Pierre!! And Adalene!! And Aoife!! And even Sébastien!!!!!!! There were others on there too but like this was the first time I even CAME UP with these guys. So they are OLD old <3

Ever since day one, in my head, I was able to visualize my boys Ayo an Lucas and Adalene as like. A triad with shenanigans. Funnily they were always tied in with Sébastien too, if u were to go DEEP into the art tag, like 2019, you’d see me trying to draw them and attempting to figure out a dynamic with Sébastien <3

They used to be like a generic love triangle thing, and that’s probably why they disappeared for so long LMAO I was just NOT interested in that at all </3 but NOW they’re cooler. And look better <3

So anyways back to answering what you asked LMAO he works as a librarian at a community college! He likes reading and helpin people with printers and giving them directions or book recommendations, he just likes to help people out <3 he is workin there part time as a student and he goes to class when he ain’t workin durin the week. He is very himbo esq cus like he isn’t stupid at all, he’s jus a bit ditzy <3 you’ll ask where one specific book is and he’ll tell you but then ALSO here’s related readings and you look like you’d like this story from this genre and also the theatre departments puttin on a play that’s in the same vein as that book you needed OH AND- Also, he’ll be able to break down the themes and meaning behind entire novels but he does NOT know how to use a semicolon

Him an Lucas are childhood buds!! They’d help each other out with homework cus Ayo can’t write essays with good grammar and Lucas has no idea what even goes into an essay to make it long

Their relationship is very much “we’re pretty much dating except for the fact we aren’t dating” like they go on dates (hangout dates) and kiss each other (as good buds do) and sleep together (we’re just really close) like neither of them realize really that what they have is a romance cus they’ve just always been like that. I wouldn’t call it friends with benefits, but that’s only cus there isn’t a separation between their friendship and romance. They’re just, ✨ together ✨

ALSO CUS I REMEMBERED I SAVED THE PUCS LMAO but here’s his design through the years! (This is just like. Major design changes from 2017 to now)

[allalrightagain]

I posted 592 times in 2022

107 posts created (18%)

485 posts reblogged (82%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@lunapwrites

@broomsticks

@thebibliosphere

@labradorduck

@remuslupinfest

I tagged 572 of my posts in 2022

Only 3% of my posts had no tags

#hp - 141 posts

#lt talks - 104 posts

#hp fic - 49 posts

#ask games - 46 posts

#remus lupin - 30 posts

#diwf - 27 posts

#show everyone - 25 posts

#writing - 19 posts

#lt writes fic - 18 posts

#reblog games - 18 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#there’s a famous-in-certain-circles person with the same spelling as my name and it was very surreal when it first started being brought up

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

OH YES character ask game i was hoping it’d find its way here!! remus and harry please ❤️ (and/or anyone else you have Thoughts about!!)

XD Thank you! Remus and Harry are good ones haha. This took me forever to nail down specifics and I still didn’t succeed, this is the best I’ve got lmao. Under a cut because I think this is even longer than the last one 😂

favorite thing about them

Remus

I could write a whole essay on each of them—how/why I project on them, a hundred little things I think about regularly— but I will try to keep it short. What sticks with me about Remus, over and over, is how much he’s able to do with so little. He is going through it literally every day. I liked Remus a lot in initial reads, but it wasn’t until I returned to the books and fandom that he really started standing out to me. A direct quote of an annotation from my last reread (Dec ’19, which I never finished) just after he’s introduced says

“Not only is Remus a dementor hotspot as it is, but Lupin’s summer goes something like this: accepts job working at hogwarts, sirius escapes, he gets on the hogwarts express (without any of his now dead or imprisoned best friends for the first time ever) falls asleep, wakes up to a spitting image of his dead best friend and a dementor outside the door, best friend’s son who he hasn’t seen since said best friend died passes out on the floor and then Remus has to come up with a happy memory?? It’s really no wonder he doesn’t notice Peter is Scabbers. He’s got too much on his mind. Like grief.”

He has seen so much, and yet despite everything he still keeps moving, keeps fighting, keeps showing up when he absolutely is not expected to. All of his little gestures, the reaching out to grab Harry’s shoulder and then thinking better of it, there’s just so much going on in his head all the time and at least 60% of it is angst (and it should probably be a lot higher than that).

Harry

Harry has been my comfort character for almost longer than I can remember— that’s not an exaggeration, my dad read the first three books out loud to me the year I started kindergarten and I reread them every summer until the last book came out when I was in middle school. I have, no joke, spent more time thinking about him than the entirety of my college major and current career combined. I think the same resilience we see in Remus stands out in Harry (a HUGE portion of DIWF planning was outlining similarities between the two for a reason— they are absolutely mirrors), the same desire to be kind, to care even when it seems foolish. If I had to pick one single thing, it’s that; the empathy he offers to others (almost) no matter what. and on the few occasions he doesn’t, I was well ahead of him in telling them to fuck off

least favorite thing about them

Remus

Voted most likely to give his kid daddy issues :( I love him dearly but at the first sign of a hiccup Remus’s instinct is to be anywhere but here and justifies it by doing something productive wherever that “not here” is. See: reading during SWM, resigning from Hogwarts, the werewolf packs, the horcrux hunt.

Harry

Excepting the epilogue/CC which I do not count against him, of course. Idk if I even have a least favorite thing. Everything that comes to mind I immediately justify lmao. I guess he can be a bit of an asshole, and he’s very quick to judge the good guys from the bad guys, which mostly works out in his favor but sometimes means he justifies things he shouldn’t (or hates someone without much cause).

favorite line

Remus

Hard-pressed not to pick the scene where Snape and Remus (and Harry) discuss the Map in POA without Remus copping to anything. OR possibly “No one’s going to try and kill you until we’ve sorted a few things out." Love scary!Remus.

Harry

Too many to count— I just spent like 3 hours rereading bits and pieces and I’ve given up trying to pick just one, or even a couple. He’s got some really great sass backs, particularly to Snape, Malfoy, and the Dursleys, plus a couple really upsetting lines like “People don’t like being locked up” or “Parents,” said Harry, “shouldn’t leave their kids unless — unless they’ve got to,” but I genuinely don’t think I can pick a favorite.

brOTP

Remus

Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs <3 Although I do like Remus and Lily as friends.

Harry

Ron. 100%.

OTP

Remus

Ok this is just going to look like an unpopular opinion answer, but I love Remadora and Wolfstar about the same. Also Remus/Tonks/Sirius I love a lot. James/Lily/Sirius/Remus goes in honorable mentions.

Harry

Hinny :) Drarry I’ll read but you have to sell me on it a bit unless I’m in the mood.

nOTP

See the full post

11 notes - Posted February 7, 2022

#4

Diversity win! Your nb coworker just won a sports argument with you thanks to knowledge gained from fandom!

13 notes - Posted July 8, 2022

#3

Hate that I’m working when I desperately want to get out resurrected Lily/James have to live with 30 something Remus/Sirius and also Harry

14 notes - Posted January 29, 2022

#2

Out of the Woods (Wormtail Week Day 1)

Life continues after the ending of every story, happy or otherwise.  Or: Peter has a plan, after everything falls apart. He isn't totally sure if it's going to plan, though. Peter Pettigrew/Petunia Dursley Post-Halloween 1981, cheating, getting together

Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Petunia who dreamed of getting out. Out of town, out of the house, out of the way of her perfect, peculiar sister and her strange, special friends.

Unlike them, Petunia didn’t have magic to whisk her away from life as she knew it; it took time and hard work and a calculated “miracle” or two (oh that’s so funny! I just happened to…), until she got a wedding and a king and a castle far, far away, just as she’d always hoped.

But then, of course, fairy tales don’t tell the story after the Happily Ever After.

At first, it was perfect. They had a darling, delightful prince, and Petunia got to decide what foods to eat, how much to clean, what their garden should look like.

And so she cooked and she cleaned and she gardened and she cared for their son, and when she was done for the day, Vernon would return and she would do half of it over again.

Her parents died, leaving her the keys to a kingdom she’d renounced long ago. As ever, she did what was right, what was expected, and her amazing, absent sister couldn’t be bothered to show.

She kept the keys to the house she didn’t want in a little box in the kitchen, just in case. She didn’t know what it was in case of, especially once Lily had died and left her nothing but another baby to care for, but just in case of something. She knew better than anyone that anything was often well beyond the scope of the expected or the imaginable.

And sure enough, one winter afternoon, she found a rat in her kitchen.

She’d only just put the boys down for a nap (and what a hassle that was with two of them! Each setting the other off crying again when they’d almost fallen asleep, over and over, until she wanted to leave them both alone in the hopes that they’d tire each other out and maybe maybe let it be quiet again) and she had returned downstairs with the intent of starting dinner when she found it— him— sitting cool as you please on Petunia’s sparkling counters, drinking a snifter of Vernon’s most expensive brandy.

She let out a scream before she thought of the boys she’d only just gotten to sleep and swallowed it back. But the rat seemed uninterested, and… did he just raise an eyebrow?

She cast around for a broom or a pan to scare him off but the only thing closer to her than the rat was the teddy she’d planned to mend after Dudley had ripped the head off. It would have to do.

Careful not to get too close— she didn’t want to hit the glass— she swung out with the stuffie, and still the rat looked unimpressed.

“Out,” she cried, with another swing, this one a bit closer, “Get out of my house! I don’t want you here!”

This had never worked on Lily or the Snape boy either, but she knew magic had all sorts of rules to learn, and, well, she could hope that was one. In films, Dracula needed permission to enter, maybe that was true of witches, too.

The rat had put down his drink to face her directly.

“Didn’t you hear me?” she said, as loudly as she dared. “Leave!”

But the rat did not, and when she swung out once more, the snifter wobbled precariously.

“Fine! Fine,” she conceded, slumping back against the refrigerator, beheaded teddy leg still clutched in her hand. “Well? If you’ve got a message for me, or whatever, say it now before my husband gets home.”

Finally, the rat moved. A step away from the brandy, then a running leap at her that made her shriek again and swat it away with her makeshift weapon— except when it made contact it was with a fully grown man, not a rat at all.

He stood before her, wand held casually in one hand— not exactly brandishing it at her, but showing it off. He was short, not quite as tall as she was, with bright, straw blond hair, and he looked like a strong wind would bowl him over, despite having a bit of bulk on her. If it wasn’t for the stupid wooden stick in his hand, she thought she could easily take him.

That, and the rat thing.

“First of all, we’ve got to work on your security system. D’you know who I am?”

He didn’t ask like Vernon— or his father— did, full of expectation and impatience. The man-who-was-also-a-rat asked like he expected to have been overlooked, like he was afraid even now that he’d be thrown out for not being recognized. It was a look Petunia had trained away from her own expression when she’d lost her accent.

“I’m afraid I don’t, mister…”

“Pettigrew,” he said cautiously, “Peter Pettigrew.” And then, after a moment of hesitation, “I was— I was friends with your sister and your… brother-in-law.”

“Yes, well, they’re both dead now, and they’ve left me their son, as I’m sure you’re aware, seeing as you’ve let yourself into my kitchen.”

“Like I was saying, better security system. Which brings me to why I’m here.”

He made a sort of gesture to imply he’d like to sit down at the table and discuss it, but when Petunia didn’t budge from her place against the fridge, he stayed standing in the middle of the room.

See the full post

15 notes - Posted December 5, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I don't have time or energy to tease out @impishtubist's prompt of resurrected James/Lily need to learn to live with Sirius, Remus, and Harry, but have five drabbles (really! 100 words each!) on their first dinner together. Canon divergence, somewhere around OotP.

Harry had gone to the Ministry expecting death—his or Sirius’s or one of his friends— and hoped to survive. Instead, he’d gotten something more miraculous than even he could wish for. Every minute since his parents— parents! He’d never really had those!— had stumbled out of the veil has been spent learning something new: the way his mother flicks away the ends of her hair, the weight of his father’s hand on his shoulder, the way they smiled at each other. He learns and he waits for it to all be ripped away and enjoys it while he can.

They’re all sat at a kitchen table in a house none of them own. Six chairs. Five people, five place settings. There should be six of them and James hasn’t quite accepted that there aren’t. Remus and Sirius have had a whole life— Harry’s whole life— or at the very least years to try and understand what could never be explained. James is angry and upset and happy to be alive and so, so confused by this world that’s wrong in unexpected ways. Five of them are here and Harry had flinched when the sixth was mentioned, and James aches.

Remus blinks again, still expecting the mirage to dissipate and leave him full of pain and drugs and regret. Magic didn’t bring people back from the dead. If it could, he would have gone to the Ministry sometime before now and dragged them back himself and saved them all the trouble. Remus was supposed to struggle through it, to make it to the finish line decades too soon, die in some tragic or heroic way and be greeted with pity and love as he had in life. Cobbling together a table full of loved ones had never been the plan.

The last few moments of Lily’s life keep flashing behind her eyes; her toddler’s confused face, the cold, cruel laugh, a blinding flash of death-green light. She keeps them open, watches the room instead of memories fifteen years and hours old. Sees how her son looks to Sirius before he moves or speaks, how he flinches and shrinks in on himself, how he shakes. He doesn’t look to Remus, and Remus can’t stop looking at her and James. They aren’t a family, they’re just a ball of tangled strings, tied up in all the wrong ways, impossible to untangle.

Sirius had dreamt this, truly dreamt instead of nightmares, that first night after Azkaban—all of them together: Sirius his own age, James and Lily forever twenty-one, Remus somewhere in between. Harry had just been there, one and eleven all at once. It didn’t compare to this moment of absolute lightness Sirius feels watching his family— free from death and that horrible house— joyous at the most perfect dinner he’ll ever eat. They have time to fight, to learn to live together, to not set off each of their particular traumas. That will come, because they, somehow, have time.

29 notes - Posted January 29, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[mc-tummy-blur]

Ask Game to Get to Know You

I was tagged by @deathishauntedbyhumans a fat bit ago, so imma do it now, lol

What book are you currently reading?

I guess technically I'm reading The Qur'an for an English class that looks at Biblical texts as literature. Pretty interesting so far.

What's your favorite movie you saw in theaters this year?

Uhh, gotta be Puss in Boots: The Last Wish, but I feel like once I see John Wick Chapter 4, it could replace that. I've been dying to see it.

What do you usually wear?

Uh, idk I gues like comfortable clothes that I can lounge around in??? Clothes that maybe say Gender tm idk

How tall are you?

5'4. 5'4 and a half of a good day.

What's your Star Sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event?

Aquarius. I mean, it's on Valentine's Day, so.

Do you go by your name or a nickname?

In public, I go by my birth name, and in private, I go by my chosen name. Honestly, I guess either one isn't so bad to be called, but I think one day I would like to be called by my chosen name in public.

Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child?

Nope, and I'm very thankful I never did. I don't care what benefits the military or being a cop has. I'm not doing either, lmao

Are you in a relationship? If not, who is your crush if you have one?

I'm not, and I dont think I have one? It's more like it would be nice to be in a relationship in general, but I'm also not thinking too hard about it rn.

What's something you're good at vs. something you are bad at?

Good at drawing, bad at math.

Dogs or cats?

Both cause I got both.

What's something you would like to create stuff for?

I'd really like to do my own video essays one day on things that I like/things that are important to me. And, also I would like to film a project one day. Also, highkey, my brother, sister, and I joke that we should be writers in like any company we grew up with (Lucasfilms, TellTale Games). Hire us, you cowards, lmao. If not, we'd just start a podcast talking about how something should be written, lmao

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what's your favorite picture/favorite line/favorite etc. from something you created this year?

Haven't written much this year, but I think my favorite art piece that I haven't shared on here was a drawing I did last night of Ruby Rose from RWBY, then seeing an old pic I did of her in 2017. Maybe I'll post the two at some point cause I like to show the growth I had.

What's something you're currently obsessed with?

The Persona games. Currently playing three and four. I'll find out a way to check out the first two games.

What's something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

Can't think of anything at the moment

What's a hidden talent of yours?

The talent is so hidden that I haven't even figured it out yet lmao. Though maybe it's writing angst, I found out that I'm pretty good at that.

Are you religious?

I think at the end of the day, yeah, I am. But it's not extreme.

What's something you wish to have at this moment?

Not sure how I should answer this question since I'm interpreting it in multiple ways. Uh, I guess maybe like a chest binder? Or some like hot wings idk

I'll tag @sampoststuff @sharkmobster @indigomuunz @youraveragedeltafan, but honestly, anyone can do this

[tittyblade]

tumblr user pixelrolan

^^ @pixelrolan’s now a pixel art side blog!

hello old man. if you ever end up at my blog know that you’re the only mf i respect and you should block the dilfza tag so both you AND us can stay sane

banners by @/hexxithomo & @/wikwalker

edit: alright i give up. i’m making this an intro post and blaming you all for it

-> i’m rolan! 18, n use they/them pronouns

-> i play skyblock! my IGN is rolanonthefloor if you’d want to be friends :]

-> you can follow/interact with me regardless of your age, but as a side note, if you’re really young you shouldn’t be on here. online spaces are more dangerous than you think, so if you want to stay be discreet about it and never give out your age!

-> that being said, i use caps, swear, and make/rb light nsfw jokes. i don’t tag caps and profanity, but i do tag the slight nsfw posts as “suggestive”, though obviously i won’t add that to harmless dick jokes/etc lol. you can stay if you’re fine with those, you can block that tag if that makes you uncomfortable (i might miss some posts) and you’re free to not follow me at all if you’d rather not! i’m not a nsfw blog, but saying it just in case.

-> i tag trigger warnings as “tw ___” or “tw ___ mention” and tag the mainstream ones, if you’d like a certain tw to be tagged you can shoot me a dm or send an ask for it! additional tags that don’t go by this rule are “discourse”, “negativity” and “___ critical”. not a drama blog, but i DO talk about it if something important happens.

-> i follow almost everyone’s story on dsmp so you will see posts/liveblogs about them all! anyone’s welcome here, as long as you’re being respectful! (i promise it’s not the end of the world, we can coexist lmao) i like good writing more than i do characters. (that being said if you’re an emerald duo main i’ll kiss you on the lips /p)

-> i also follow hermitcraft and since this is my blog (and dsmp isnt my only interest), you will see content about other stuff too lol. both including and excluding minecraft content

-> anons! i love it when people send asks <3 feel free to talk to me about anything and become a regular! these are all the signed anons i’ve got, you can claim a new name/emoji for yourself and chat away:

cool anon (finally solved their arg), illusion anon, joke anon (RIP), many large bees (??? yeah idk either), $ anon (L), nony anon, clang anon, heaven anon, 🐈‍⬛ anon, 🍡 anon

-> i run art rbs on queue almost 24/7 so that might seem like i’m always online lol

-> i don’t mind spam likes/rbs, go wild

-> honorable mention posts: tumblr etiquette if you’re new here, tubbo’s execution and techno’s misunderstanding, and the l’manburg meme i never added an essay to lol

-> i will add my tagging system here eventually but until then the search bar is pretty straight forward!

-> also, if we’re mutuals on some other platform please tell me 👍 i have shit memory and will straight up Not Know that it’s you

blinkie from @/splashtext

[buddielove]

Hi! I'm a gay fan of 911 and I have a question about the whole Buddie fandom. As much as I like Buck and Eddie, it's frustrating that a HUGE part of the fandom is pushing for these two characters to get together instead of putting energy into supporting Hen & Carla and Michael & Dave. Not to mention Carlos and TK in Lone Star. Can you explain to me the appeal of wanting these two men together? Wouldn't it be more interesting to see two heterosexual males just be able to bond in a non-toxic fashion? That's something we don't get to see often on television.

Hey! This is MAD long lmao I am so sorry! You caught me on a day I felt like talking! Also this took like a year to answer you lolololol. This does have a few ʻhot takesʻ so please be warned! So like in this essay....

So first I am also apart of the LGBTQIA+ community, so I do understand how it could come across as a fetish or being non supportive of the current canonically LGBTQIA+ characters, however I think a lot of the interest around Buddie and the want for them to be confirmed as a couple is how they are being written. Me personally I knew since s2 e1 Buck and Eddie were written not as rivals but as two people who would eventually become friends, but it wasn’t until the Christmas episode with the elf assuming Buck was Chris’s dad and Eddie’s partner that I was like ‘hold on!’ because I was really hoping Abbey would return and I didn’t see Eddie as a possible Buck live interest because of that. The elf’s comment wasn’t played off like most other shows would (think Dean and Sam arriving anywhere in Supernatural) it made me go back and look at the other episodes to see exactly how Buck and Eddie were being framed/written. And as we have moved into further seasons I think there has been a shift in how Buddie is being written, in s3 it was very much like two people progressing into a deeper friendship then the blood clot/lawsuit gets in the way and they both have to deal with emotions surrounding that, then Buck’s response to Eddie being trapped (we see how is he when Boddy is trapped in a fire WITH A GUNMAN, it’s emotional but not to the point is is with Eddie), even the love interests feel very pushed on us and there’s so little banter between Buddie about their gfs and how they feel about these new beginnings. It feels off, not like a friendship in the slightest, more like two people trying to force something and not wanting to deal with any other feelings. Then when Eddie gets shot and reveals Buck is Chris’s legal Guardian in the event Eddie dies, that’s huge, and he did this after only a year of knowing Buck (I have friends with kids. I’ve known one of them for FIVE years, I’m at their house every week, the kid calls me family. I’m person #10 on the list of ‘who gets my kid if I die’, not #1 lol) It just feels like it’s all building up to something, and people are getting tired of waiting for that something! We’re all emotionally tired from the past two years, and probably from many shows queerbaiting us and this is something that could happen, seems to be something the actors are ok with and the fans want. So why do they keep drawing it out. This isn’t about us demanding they ignore the chance to write a healthy platonic male friendship, or forcing two characters to be gay, it’s about holding the writers to what they’ve implied and seeing what could come of it.

Also think of it like this; If Buddie is confirmed it will still be a good example of a healthy friendship which then developed into something else, like Booth/Bones! Showing the natural progression of friendship to relationship that happens a lot in real life. It’s two men who previously (on screen at least) have only been with woman, but now they have an emotionally connection with someone which they then develop and explore. This could be 911’s first nontoxic depiction of two gay characters coming together, because sorry not sorry the canon couples aren’t perfect (which does humanize them) but they also reenforce harmful troupes that plaque the LGBTQIA+ community, which I’m sure you understand: TK was a drug addict, who only got with Carlos at first cause he was hot and sex was TK’s new addition (all gay men are sex addicts who do drugs and sleep with anything that moves). Carlos was ashamed and wanted to keep TK on the downlow (poc gay men want to pretend to be straight but have free access to gay sex). Hen cheated on Karen seemingly the first chance she got (lesbians can’t handle monogamy when pushed, and cheat on their long term partners). All known and documented troupes that happen far too often.

I’m not saying Buddie is some gay jesus ship that’s gonna save the entertainment industry but if done right it could prove to be one of the few healthy depictions of two men getting into a gay relationship we have. If they plan it out correctly, show us the relationship development, like they did with Maddie/Chim for example, Buddie could be used as a positive example of a gay fictional relationship (I really could go into depth about this. I probably should tbh).

As for not supporting Hen and KAREN, or Michael and DAVID, I think fans do support them! The writers don’t. If you read fanfics Henren and Michael/David are featured heavily in many fics, and ik some people might say ‘well they’re only there so Buddie can talk about their gay side!!’ but both these couples have their own fans and fanfic tags! They aren’t just plot devices in Buddie stories. There is a huge side of the fandom that supports Henren and wants to see more of them and their family. Same with Michael and David, during the episode where Michael and Bobby team up to find that plastic surgeon who was working illegally many people where ecstatic that we were getting more Michael/David content and that David was getting more than a couple lines. But sadly it seems like the writers only want to delve into these story lines when they need filler, they even miss opportunities to include these other LGBTQIA+ characters when it makes sense;

(Someone came for me about this but I am going to bring it up again)

When Chris is sad and wants more human connection, instead of bring Harry + Michael/David and Denny+Nia+Henren back into the picture (and yes I understood at the time the pandemic was bad (lmao still is!!), but all the actors at some point would have/had crossed over into each other’s ‘bubbles’, so ALL the actors would have been exposed to each other so getting the children together with adults they had ALREADY been with during shooting wouldn’t have been a super spreader event) but instead they brought in Ana after only two on screen dates and pretended like it was a logical thing for someone who’s up to that point been extremely careful with their child.

They really could have pushed the ‘118 is a family!’ message here and included the canonically gay supporting characters, and the lesbian main character(s) but they did not and instead chose to push the Ana/Eddie coupling even though they hadn’t properly developed it yet. The writers themselves don’t seem to care about developing their canonically gay characters and including them more than they have to but fans are continuously developing Henren and Michael/David with hc and fics.

I’d like to use your logic against you for a second, in s1 we have a very healthy, platonic friendship between Chim/Bobby but that got written out to the point they are more like boss/employee unless the scene calls for them to seem closer, we now have Bobby and Michael friendship but again we hardly see Michael. On Lone Star we have Owen and Judd as a really, really good example of a healthy male friendship but we see Judd more often with Tommy now then we do with Owen, and in s2 it’s overshadowed by Owen trusting Charlie from Twilight and constantly getting fucked over! Why can’t the writter just be happy with these happy, healthy, emotionally well male-male friendship they’ve already included and expand upon them. There’s enough drama because the show literally involves burning buildings and people’s lives being at risk from some natural/man made disaster ever 12 seconds. Does it need to have so much interpersonal conflict and male peacocking??

[marshmallowprotection]

Oh gosh, that post about Saeyoung and his characterization made me want to clap! I once had an argument with one fan who was bashing on him for... 'loving his brother more than he loves us'??? That literally made me feel weirded out. Like, damn. And yeah, a lot of people make him seem more cruel, than he is in canon. I think there's a similar problem with Suit! Like, yeah, he was acting aggressive and harmful - that's undeniable. But... he never really directly hurt us? It's more bark than bite. Well, maybe except for that bite and pushing us on the floor, but in fanon it's always way more extreme than that. I read a few fics where he literally tortures mc and enjoys it, and... it always felt so wrong to me. And I love dark scenarios! I have a few aus myself, but there's always some outside force, that makes them act this way. Like, I can imagine him isolating us or locking us in the room. But I literally cannot imagine him, for example, tying us up and hurting us directly. I genuinely don't believe he's capable of that... Maybe it's just my interpretation of him, I don't really know.

But yeah, I've seen a lot of people in my native fandom, who hate Choi bros, cause they... care for each other?? It's so confusing to me, as a huge Saeyoung fan. Like, his love for his family always made me appreciate him more, why would it push someone away? Of course he should put Saeran first - he's in a cult for Gods sake! It did made me feel a bit upset at the time, when in the Secret Endings we barely got any interaction with him, but it wouldn't feel the same otherwise. I first fell in love with Saeran during the Secret Endings, cause I related to him so much at the time. I just remember crying my eyes out reading his inner thoughts. I think that's why Unknown and SE Saeran are my favourites, haha. And all of that wouldn't be possible if the story was only focusing on our romance with Saeyoung!

So yeah, sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to express my opinion on the matter. I think false characterization is a pretty annoying problem in all fandoms. And that's just Saeyoung and Suit! We could discuss literally every single character in mysme here lmao

Sorry for my huge essay btw I really should be sleeping right now, but I read that post and just couldn't resist ahaha

It's always something, y'know?

Yes, they're angry and bitter, but it hurts to see people think that's all there is to their character. I don't know how many times I've had to go and explain to people that Suit Saeran is afraid. He believes anger is a sword and a shield, if he cries first, they can't make him cry.

It's not a healthy mentality and it hurts him greatly, and he knows that even if his malice was meant for him, you suffered. He apologizes and you're there to say, "I know, I forgive you, and I hope to stay by your side as you heal and become better for yourself."

Suit Saeran is able to say he fucked up. He wasn't right to do what he did and he pays for it. He may say that he likes seeing you cry and be upset, but he doesn't. He just can't admit vulnerability. He just saw Ray get basically torn limb from limb for loving somebody, of course, he's not okay right now.

He locks you in your room, but God, he'd never tie you up or physically beat you. I know why Cheritz added in the bite to that VN itself because it gets them paid for adding in those elements, but I don't care for that, myself. Because I can't see him lashing out in any physical way. Emotionally, yes, but not physically.

If you pay attention to what happens, the only time he touches you is the bite, when he pushes you against the ground, and maybe if you want to count when he nudged you against the wall? But, I think that last one was more him making you walk yourself into a corner.

And it's worse with Unknown because... God, it's so twisted up and it makes me sick. People should write whatever they want to write and enjoy that content, but if I had a dollar for every time I opened a story about Unknown and it turned into Torture Porn, I'd be rich and upset at the same time. Unknown and SE Saeran were also what pulled me in during 2016, so their characterizations mean a lot to me.

Unknown isn't like Ray or Suit Saeran. He doesn't care for you like those two do. You're his eyes. You're a tool. But, he still finds a sense of amusement in you. You're interesting to him. That's just... yeah, it's going to be a mess when you consider him in romance, but it doesn't need to be as grimdark as I've seen for years. I don't even wanna get into that because I'll just get upset. I just wish people tagged things properly because I get so disheartened looking for Unknown stuff and it's just. that.

And Saeyoung gets this rough, too. People will make him out to be the joker that he doesn't want to be. Yes, he loves to play pranks and have fun, but that's not all he is. Don't just lump him off as that one thing. Saeyoung did what he had to do for Saeran in the SE. I'm sorry that he closed himself off again. But what choice did he have at that moment?

Leave Saeran in the hospital to die? Because if he kept lashing out, he was going to get more attention and focus. Not even Jumin Han can protect Saeran from that. He can't. Saejoong would've found him and he would've been fucked royally. Saeyoung made a hard choice, take his brother from the hospital because if he didn't, Saeran would likely die. Yes, that was a bad choice because Saeran needs therapy and specialized care, but he had two options. Let Saeran die or try to help Saeran himself.

It was a mess.

It was a horrible mess but they made due. I personally imagine them to be getting therapy after things settle and they're able to do what they need to do. God, just. Yeah. Fanon is going to happen and there isn't a lot anyone can do. This happens to every character and we're all just going to cry.