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halsins-herbal-underpants · 3 months

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A helping hand ~

A silly little piece I couldn't stop thinking about and have been trying to write since the first new kiss animation was revealed (every time it turned into a different piece, but at least now I have five half-started fics to go) -- just in time for Valentine's! I hope you enjoy (excuse any bad formatting, I haven't been on here since 2018 :'> ) This might actually be the only wholly and completely SFW thing I've ever written, so enjoy some silly fluff!

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"Shadowheart, darling, I know you're not one inclined towards the physical, but do you think you could, by any chance, possibly, when you get a moment -- lift your blasted arms a fraction of an inch???"

Shadowheart muttered in irritation, wishing just then she hadn't rejected her former Dark Lady Shar, because cramming her spear up Astarion's backside would be so much easier to justify if she were still evil.

"Did you dine on an owlbear earlier, Astarion?" she groaned, her arms currently supporting the vampire's previously mentioned rear, propping him up in his awkward midair position. "It's like trying to lift a thirty stone sack of particularly annoying bricks!"

"Are you saying my best feature is misshapen and lumpy?!" the vampire hissed like an offended cat.

Shadowheart snorted and shifted her feet to plant them more easily and hefted. Astarion rose another couple of inches.

"My heart, forgive me, but…is this really necessary?" Halsin interjected, his expression a cross between amused and perplexed. "I could simply come down to you, could I not? It seems like that might be much easier for all concerned…"

"That's what I'm saying!" Shadowheart huffed and Astarion looked down at her with a ruby-toned glare.

"Hush you! And Halsin, dearest, that's not the point…"

"Ah, you…may have to remind me, my starlight," Halsin said with a little chuckle. "I'm still somewhat unclear on just what is the point."

Astarion sighed deeply and shifted so he could more easily perch on the cleric and explain. He ignored her offended squawk as he sat gingerly on her shoulder.

"Simple, dear druid -- it's the principle of the matter. If I am to properly reciprocate your earlier…" He trailed off and cleared his throat. "Ahem. Action," he said vaguely, trying to ignore the blush that warned his cheeks slightly at the memory, "then the feeling it evokes must be equal, shouldn't it? It should match it in meaning and form." He finished, as if that explained everything.

"Ah.” It explained nothing. “Then why don't I simply bring forth a tangle of vines from nature's bosom? I could shape it like a small stepping st--"

"No!" Astarion cut him off, frowning. "That would ruin the whole mood! Really darling, I know how to set a proper scene for this sort of thing, the ambiance! Leave it to the professional." He paused and batted his eyelashes at the druid. "Besides, didn't I make a promise for our exchanges to be less ah -- transactional, as you said?"

"…You did," Halsin replied evenly, trying not to smile at how poorly Astarion was hiding just how flustered Halsin's "action" had made him.

"Then shush and let me give you something of equal thought, for once!" Halsin opened his mouth to again protest that perhaps Astarion was being too worried about the physical equality of the gesture, but the vampire glared at him and hissed.

"Darling, I adore you with the whole of my little black heart, but if you do not shut up and let me work, I shan't kiss you for two tendays.”

Halsin's eyes went wide, mouth snapping closed as he promptly shut up like he'd spent his whole life training for the shutting up Olympics.

Astarion grinned, pleased, and would have patted him on the head, but both of his hands were busy holding on tight to the druid's shoulders. "Good! Now stand still, please."

Halsin stood still. Although he did wince a little, when the heels of Astarion's fancy shoes dug into his knee caps a bit as the vampire propped his feet on them.

"Aw, did you say please all on your own?" Shadowheart said with syrupy sweetness. "Look at you, Astarion, you're so in love."

"Oh shut up, you harpy!" the vampire huffed. "And lift!"

◈━◈━◈━◈━◈

"…Ah…Karlach…" Gale had just reentered the camp, after a bit of scouting with Tav. Their defacto leader was off haggling with a local shopkeep, so he decided to return to camp and came upon a most…interesting sight.

Or, well. Confusing, really. Confusing and interesting. Confustering.

"Yea?" Karlach was standing off a little way from the tableau, idly chomping on an apple as she watched the drama unfold.

"What is…" Gale paused, unable to think of a way to describe what he was seeing and gave up. "What's going on?"

"Oh! It's simple." She took another bite of her apple, chewing. "When Astarion got back to camp after getting himself some lunch, Halsin welcomed him back with a smooch, and then -- get this -- a cute lil' forehead kiss." She leaned in as if confiding a secret. "It was very sweet."

"Aww," said Gale.

"Yea, so after that adorable gesture, Astarion went all squidgy--"

"I did not go squidgy!" The vampire interrupted, voice aghast with offense. "I have never gone squidgy once in my life! …Or my unlife for that matter."

"Toootally squidgy," Karlach continued.

Gale nodded. Of course, it was only logical. A forehead kiss from Halsin would make him go squidgy, too.

"So he tried to reciprocate, y'know? Give Ol' Bear a cute smooch on his noggin too, but--well," she gestured with the half-eaten apple. "Bit of a jaunt up to that forehead, innit? Gods bless 'im though, Fangs tried. Stretching up, tiptoe, think he even tried to do some chin-ups off those meaty shoulders but -- I mean --" Karlach raised her eyebrows at Gale and held out an arm, flopping it about like a dead fish.

"Rogues aren't generally known for their upper-body strength, true," Gale mused.

"That's enough from the peanut gallery!"

"Astarion!" Shadowheart yelled, her voice a taut string of patience about to snap. "You are sitting on my bloody head."

"Well, what do you expect, with this poor leverage??" Astarion hissed. "I said boost, cleric, not nudge!"

"So…" Gale continued, rubbing his chin thoughtfully as Shadowheart cursed a blue streak most unbecoming of a cleric. Though, considering Dame Aylin, maybe it was fitting for one of Selune…he shook his head, snapping out of his wandering thoughts, and gestured at the trio.

"So that's why Astarion's perched on Halsin like a cat hanging off a particularly attractive curtain?"

“That's why!” Karlach replied cheerfully and finished her apple.

"Astarion, I don't think I can do this much longer," Shadowheart whined, her shoulders and arms aching. "Why couldn't you have asked Karlach?"

"I adore Karlach dearly," Astarion explained. "But even with her recent upgrades, the last thing I could stand are singed pants. These are exclusively tailored, all the way from Waterdeep, you know. No offense Karlach."

"None taken!" the tiefling called back cheerily. "I'm having waaay more fun over here."

"Ugh!" Shadowheart huffed, cheek squished against Astarion's decidedly not lumpy posterior as she readjusted her grip and shoved him upwards, hands under his thighs. The things she did for friendship. And money. "What about Lae'zel? Or Wyll?!"

Karlach grinned, chiming in for Astarion. "Lae'zel said she'd help Fangs if she didn't have to," she counted on her fingers, "touch him, look at him, speak to him or leave her tent. Wyll actually did try to help, but when he tried to boost him up his hand slipped, he accidentally grabbed a handful of vampire booty and, well--"

"I'm so sorry Astarion! It wasn't my intention at all!" Wyll cried out from behind his tent flap.

"For the last time Wyll -- it's fine! Stop apologizing!" Astarion called back. "I might have actually liked it, in fact." He then sighed deeply, sagging a little as he adjusted his grip on Halsin -- who, to his credit, remained shut up.

Damn it all, now Astarion missed his voice.

Karlach shrugged. "Sorry Shadowheart, looks like you were the last man standing."

The cleric wobbled. "I'm going to be the last man falling in a minute. Astarion, it's just a bloody kiss, will you hurry up??"

Astarion shifted himself in Shadowheart's hold, surprised Halsin hadn't chimed in on the clown circus surrounding them. He glanced at him, but the druid was just watching Astarion with that indulgent knowing smile he often wore around his lover…like he knew something Astarion was going to figure out very soon, but everything he did until then was too endearing to interrupt.

Astarion pursed his lips, eyes narrowing -- then closed them and huffed. His arms moved to slide around Halsin's neck.

“It's not always 'just' a kiss," he retorted, his gaze flicking to Halsin's face.

"I...might have recently come to realize kisses can be more than just a physical act,” he continued in a softer mumble, more for the druid's ear. “The way you kissed me…made me feel...things,” he cleared his throat. “Safe, cared for. Mm…” His voice dropped even lower. “Protected….”

He looked away, his face decidedly redder. “Things I want you to feel too…you don’t get that very much. And you should.”

“Starlight…” Halsin murmured, trailing off and moving to wrap his big arms around the vampire's lithe form.

“Hush,” Astarion said. “I’m working.”

“Starlight,” Halsin grinned, looking up at him…up at him? Wait – Astarion blinked and realized he was indeed, almost a head taller than the druid now.

He looked down at a red faced Shadowheart as she literally held him propped all the way up with shaking arms, and then back at Halsin.

“…Oh,” he said.

“Oh,” Halsin nodded. Then – “Hmm. You know – it’s rather nice to be the one down here, for a change.”

Astarion opened his mouth, but couldn’t think of anything to say that was better than looking into Halsin’s eyes right then. So he didn’t.

He just leaned down and kissed the druid. Slow, lingering...sweet. Quite possibly the softest and sweetest he’d ever kissed anyone, he couldn’t recall.

“Awww!!" Gale said and nudged Karlach who was muffling a high pitched squeal likely only dolphins could hear behind her fingers. Audience approved!

Ignoring everything in the world besides Halsin’s beautiful eyes, Astarion carefully slid his hand up to hold the side of that ruggedly handsome face, touch so gentle.

After a beat, he exhaled a slow breath and leaned forward, pressing cool lips against a scarred forehead slowly, lips lingering there for a long while before he pulled back.

He heard Halsin’s breath catch and looked down at him, blinking to find his druid’s normally serene, calm expression a bit…less so, his cheeks warming to a lovely shade of red.

Oh, now it had all been worth it.

“I–” Halsin started, but had to clear his throat before he could continue. He looked up at Astarion, his expression warm and pleased – with just a twinge of shyness that Astarion found – oh! So that was what endearing felt like. “I have a confession, Astarion.” He leaned in with a whisper.

“I believe I just may be falling for you. I do hope you don’t mind.”

Astarion grinned wide then, cheekily, his fangs showing. “Darling, I’d be rather put-off if you didn’t fall for me after all this damned work,” he said.

“Well, what a coincidence!” Shadowheart interrupted, her normally sweet voice practically a growl. “I was just about to do the same!”

Astarion looked down, confused.

“What? What do you–gah!! Fuck!”

◈━◈━◈━◈━◈

Luckily neither of them got injured when they hit the dirt in a pile of flailing limbs and angry cursing that'd make a Sharran blush, Astarion only squishing Shadowheart a little when he landed on her.

Shadowheart groaned from the ground, her legs sore and trembling and her back just aching. Halsin blinked and then quickly moved to her side, hand stretching to begin the healing, chuckling softly. Better to let the poor cleric rest than waste a slot healing herself.

“I thank you for your care and friendship today, Shadowheart,” he said with a sunshine smile, and she just gave him a tired thumbs-up.

“Oh, Astarion? I’ve changed my mind,” she mumbled. “I don’t – ohhh, blessed moonmaiden, Halsin that feels nice – don’t want money in payment.”

“Mmh? Mh-hm.” Astarion hummed, looking up at the sky with a smile on his face that was probably going to linger for a while. “Then what can I do for you, darling Shadowheart, my best friend?”

“You’re going to that wine tasting with me.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” The vampire huffed, a tragic hero put upon by his friends and enemies and all the world besides. Well. Except for one or two, perhaps.

“All right,” he groused. “It’s a date.”

“That was sweeter than all the love stories in my collection!” Gale sniffled, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve.

“Uh huh!” Karlach agreed, tears rolling down her cheeks. “The best romantic comedy I’ve ever seen!”

“I regret every moment of my wretched existence with you all,” Astarion said imperiously to the sky, suffering indignities, always. His friends all laughed, moving back to their own tents and the world kept turning the same.

Though the whole rest of the day, when Astarion glanced at Halsin -- when the druid didn’t see him do it of course -- he’d catch the wood elf smiling, soft and sweet and gently blushed.

Astarion would have done it all over then, a thousand more times, for the chance to see that smile the next day, and the next and the rest of their days ever after.

#bg3 #astarion #bg3 fanfiction #halsin #halstarion #bloodgrove #bg3 astarion #bg3 fic

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