#both put on those fake country accents in the dr and they both used their bdays to shield them from eviction 😭

[princesswithsomeinterests]

Red says he doesn’t wanna go home on his birthday week… he reminds me of jasmine more and more everyday

[judgement-free-sideblog]

Ghosts from the rain forest

Summary: A simple rescue mission will bring him back to a place full of nightmares, and maybe this time he could find redemption. Situated in 1975, 2 years after the events of Skull Island.

James Conrad x Reader

Warnings: Violence, blood, wounds, mentions of war, cursing, implied smut, angst.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 2: Hilmi

Even when you were more than happy in the jungle in the middle of nowhere, and not having to deal with people, you couldn't deny that Bandar Seri Begawan was in fact a beautiful place, and the market of Tamu Kianggeh was always nice to walk through.

You have chose to take one more day in the city before your medicine shipment arrived tonight, and see the city some more, you even had chosen to dress up different and use one of the many dresses you bought but never use, it was nice to play the tourist for a change, even when the last time you were there you end up picking up a fight with some vendors and being stubborn enough that they end up humorously calling you Himli, that means peaceful or polite.

That's when you saw him, trying to buy some fruit from one of those sketchy vendors you have a love/hate relationship with, he was to put it on one word stunning, his dark blonde hair, perfect baby blue eyes, or maybe was the shirt he was wearing that make them bright that much, and the afternoon shadow over a perfectly sharp jawline. American maybe, after they left the country alone three years ago they have been popping up everywhere as tourists.

"That's a lot of money for a simple piece of fruit" He said to the vendor in a perfect British accent.

"Liying to tourists again Zikri?" You said in an authoritarian voice approaching them "You really are a menace"

"Ah Himli" He said part annoyed part happy to see you. "One can no longer make a decent way of living because you have to come and criticize me"

"Ten ringgits for a mango is decent?" The man said and you loved Zikri's shocked face.

"There there Prince Charming" You said winking at him "I'll buy your mangoes, just stay away from this man" you gave Zikri the 20 rn, and give the two pieces of fruit to the stranger. "Consider it a welcome to the island gift."

"Thank you, Himli was it?" He smiled at you with what of course was a perfect smile and you forgot to tell him your actual name "James Conrad" He offered you his hand.

"I prefer prince charming" You smiled back at him and shake the hand he offered you. "Aren't you a little far from your island?"

"A little, not as much as you, are you american?"

"From birth maybe, but haven't been there in ages, is way better here" You said honestly. "First time?"

"I have been before, actually, but it was not that great then, although 'm quite enjoying my visit so far this time" he gave you a look that you haven't recieved in a long time, a more than welcome look by the way.

"Do you want a beer?" You said to him and point to a near bar that you like, it was 5:00 pm and you have time until 10:00 at least, to pick up the cargo, "Do British play darts?"

"I'm better at pool, but sure let's go" he said and you walked him to the bar.

A couple of beers later and a lot of bad jokes next to the pool table and you were already cursing yourself because you have to go back to the middle of nowhere the next morning, and he was going to stay there with al his beautiful self alone.

A couple minutes later he was teaching you how to play, and the electricity that run through your back when he hold you in his arms was enough to make you lost touch with reality. By the time your mind tried to wake you up, you were already kissing against his hotel door, and by that time there was not much else to do, apart from opening the door and let your burning clothes fall to the ground and follow the pure instinct that was driving you.

"James we are ready" a young man voice said from the other side of the door hours later and make you wake up from the sheets you were covered with.

"Thanks Slivko, I'll be out in a minute" James said and make a shh sing to you with his long perfect finger.

"What time is it?" You said quietly, smiling at him and the sweet puppy eyes he have trying to make you stay in bed.

"Hey Reg, what time is it?" He asked the boy on the other side.

"Almost nine man, we are waiting, I'll be at the lobby."

"Fuck" you said standing up and quickly taking up your clothes "I'm so sorry, but I have to leave, this was... amazing. Thank you"

"You have nothing to thank for, if anything you have become my single happiest memory from this place" He said with dark shadow crossing his eyes and you were dying to ask what he mean but your seller was a dick and you had to flee.

"If you are still here tomorrow I promise you I'll give you a couple more happy memories" you kissed him one more time and walked out of his window, thankfully his room was on the ground.

You ran as fast as you could to put on work clothes, something your seller would respect and not that ridiculous dress. Noah was neither a good nor a bad man, he only followed an strictly business ethic, and for a man who robbed big hospitals to sell medicine and vaccines in the black market he was quite picky about punctuality and respecting previous arrangements, maybe it was just a British thing, you would have to ask James later. You smiled thinking on how well that have gone down, it have been quite some time since you feel like a normal woman, able to have a little romantic afternoon with a handsome man, he was definitely a nice change from the mercenaries you usually hang around.

This was definitely not what you have planned out of your life, you could still remember the you from ten year ago, that who believed she was helping shape the world into a better place by making cultivation practices more efficient, it was a dumb dream now, with all the devastation humanity had caused, especially with all the damage your government had created by using their precious Orange Agent, that's what have finally driven you apart from the big man, the idea that some day one of your creations could end up killing and damaging innocent people. You have seen personally the mutations and illness those substances could produce, and how men only following orders caused that damage without any remorse, that kind of men you truly hate, if there was anything that you couldn't tolerate in this world was soldiers, all of them pretending to be heroes when they were only glorified murderers...

You shake those thoughts out of your head and took the money for Noah in a bag, and walked into the night to the peers. Like always you wanted to be there before he and his man arrived.

"Always a pleasure making business with you Y/N" Noah said counting out the money "And as always my boys are ready to help you carry this precious cargo to its destination" He always made those fake ceremonious remarks that you didn't like. The boys as he called them were already packing the medicine into your truck and would scort you back to Borneo the next morning.

"You are a life saver" you smiled at him as fake as he did.

"Boss we found a rat" one of his man said suddenly appearing from behind one of the many containers that were at the peers, he was using a large gun to push a young looking man towards you, with his hands behind his head.

"What? Who is this little shit?" Noah said suddenly losing his charm "Y/N what are you playing here?" He took you rather harsh from the wrist and start shaking you.

"I haven't see him in my life" You said honestly, trying to make sense out of that bizarre situation. "You are hurting me Noah what the hell?"

"Well then he is just some nasty nobody, kill him" He said to his man, still not letting you go, and you were about to scream him to stop when an angry voice talked from the shadows behind you.

"I wouldn't to that if I were you, we have you surrounded so let the boy and Dr. Y/L/N go" you turned around in shock immediately when you recognize his voice.

"Captain Conrad?" Noah's voice sounded terrified and he let you go immediately and signaled his man to release the boy and then he turned at you total panic "You bring bloody SAS on me Y/N?"

"What? Of course not, wait what do you mean SAS?" You said looking confused at both men, James had come closer to help the young guy.

"Y/N? I thought your name was Hilmi" Now it was Conrad's turn to look confused.

"Would someone explain what the fuck is happening here?" The guy, Slivko was it? Said as confused as you.

"I don't bloody know, but I know this, I'm leaving, boys let the nice Dr. take care of her medicine alone." The five men with the cargo let the boxes on the ground and start walking towards their own vehicle "Please don't call me again" He said looking at you one last time. "Captain" he made one solemn bow to James and almost run out of there.

"What? No, Noah please wait!" But he was already away. "What the fuck is going on?" You turned angry to face Conrad "Did you have any idea of what you just did? And how in hell you knew I would be here? Captain" you said putting a lot of hate in the last word.

"Beg your pardon? How was I supposed to know that you were buying drugs from a bloody mercenary?!" Why the fuck was he angry? He was not going to stay waiting for medicine for a month "And by the way Doctor" Oh very mature Conrad "I thought your name was Hilmi"

"Oh excuse me, your majesty for not going around giving my profession and full name everywhere I go" Then the realization hit you like a lightning "How did you know I was here? You work for that annoying man from DC right?" Oh you were absolutely furious now. "I don't go peacefully when Mr Houston snap his fingers and he send a militar party to get me back, is that it? What if I said no? Are you going to put a gun on my head and force me to walk??"

"I work with Brooks Houston that's true" He started making his voice soft trying to de escalate the situation making you more mad. "But I believe we can found a way you can come back with us"

"Well is settle then" you said sweetening your voice too. "Reg was it?" You said at the boy that still looked pretty confused "Lift with your knees son, some of those boxes are heavy" you pay him on the back and then look back at Conrad "Tell the rest of your men if they are actually surrounding us that we leave at 5" He was about to say something but you were not going to allow it "If I have to come back to America at least I'm going to finish my work first, one month tops, is all I'm saying" He nodded angrily and made sing in the air with his hand and suddenly another 4 men appear and started loading the truck.

You walk away from them back to your hotel furious about the situation, of course he was not really interested in you, he was being paid to lure you back home, how could you be so stupid? You got in the shower and turned on the hot water so you could wash away his touch from your skin, this whole day was a mistake, one you would never make again.

[monster-or-man]

Monster or Man (working title) -Chapter 1

Hi all. So I’ve decided to post the first chapter of the first draft of my book that I’ve been working on for a long time. This is the first draft so it’s mostly just to get my ideas down, but I am looking for some feedback. If you enjoy it, please let me know. If you think there are improvements that need to be done, also let me know. Thanks!

She kept looking over her shoulder out of fear of being caught. What she was about to do would be considered treason, not only to the facility she was currently studying in but to the whole country. Dr Myrah Liang, in this place, her name wasn’t important, she was just one of many genetic scientists that were forced to work within these walls, however, soon she will be known all around the world. Thankfully, her outfit allowed her to blend in, the white long buttoned lab coat with the brown pants. It was the standard uniform for the genetic scientists, no one really batted an eye when   they witnessed her standing at one of the various metal doors in the long hall. Reaching into her front pocket, an ID card was presented and pressed against the security keypad, little whispers slipped through her bright red lips.              “Please, please, please.”               Genetic scientists only had level one access, which only really opened up most of the labs and research quarters. To her surprise, the little red light on the keypad turned green and a small click notified her that the door unlocked. The lights flickered to life as she entered the room, revealing cabinets as tall as the walls themselves. Jackpot. Closing the door slowly behind her, Dr Liang’s eyes stared in amazement before rushing over to one of the shelves. Her fingers flipped through the folders, she had to find something, something that could expose this whole operation. Each file was labelled;             December 17th 2001 – Afghanistan             December 18th 2011 – Iraq            March 16th 2004 -  Pakistan            April 27th 2018 – North Korea

          Grabbing each file folder, Dr Liang thought that this might be enough evidence to get the media to pounce onto the people running this hellhole. However, she grabbed one more file as as a precaution. It had no date and the folder itself was completely blank. The scientist was so engrossed in looking at the files, she failed to realize that a security camera had been recording the whole time. Her head poked up from the stacks of papers and she began shuffling out. The plan to look as normal as possible was completely chucked out of the window, she just wanted to get out of there quickly before anyone noticed what she was doing.

           Alarms echoed through the pearly white halls as the scientist bolted towards one of the many doors surrounding her. In her grasp were a stack grey coloured file folders, some of which had fallen out of her hands and onto the ground below. She didn’t bother stop and pick them up as the sound of heavy boots grew ever closer. With panicked breaths, the scientist slammed her body against the two large metal doors that separated her from her freedom. Her fist punched the enlarged elevator buttons but a voice stopped her dead in her tracks.

         “And what exactly do yae plan on doing with those?”

        That familiar Scottish accented, cold toned voice. She couldn’t help but swallow the lump of fear that built up in the back of her throat realising just exactly who was standing behind her. Much akin to a scared puppy, the woman’s head slowly turned, eyes widened and her body quaking. It was her boss, Dr Achim Lankanotvitch, dressed in a long black lab coat that was buttoned on his chest. His black short hair held was held together with enough wax that it looked like it could stab ones fingers if they were to touch it. The most eye catching feature which separated him from the rest of the scientists in the facility was the large metal arm that had completely replaced his normal limb. Large round glasses with reflective lenses covered his eyes, which made it difficult to read what emotion his face was portraying. However, judging by his straight posture and authoritative stance, he was not happy that this situation was occurring.           “Your operation has to end. Too many innocent people are dying!” She shouted with the files hugged to her chest.            “A shame really, I had such high hopes for yae.” Achim brushed off her statement, it meant nothing to him. “Leak those files and the whole world will spiral into a panic, wars will be started and a lot more lives will be lost.” He held out his blue gloved hand while his fingers twitched, demanding that she hand over the stack of papers.  A ding from the elevator rang through both of their ears causing both of their heads to twitch. The rouge scientist moved to the opening doors, hunched over the files so no more would fall.           “I’m going to put a stop to this, it’s time the world discovers your crime against humanity.” As soon as she said that, Achim almost leapt forward, attempting to grab her arm as she shuffled through the doors. He barely missed, but that didn’t stop the woman from hyperventilating in panic. She knew what would have happened if she got caught, a punishment so severe that she wouldn’t want to wish it upon anyone. Thankfully, getting to the elevator was the hardest part.              Achim remained in his spot as the elevator went up. His left eye was twitching from the sudden stress that washed over him. Behind, several heavily armed security came to a halt.                “Sir… someone is escaping with some sensitive material.” The scientist’s head turned slowly to face the soldier who spoke, his glare only darkened. “I KNOW!” That sudden outburst caused the entire facility around them to fall silent even the chatter from down the hall stopped. “Yae there… put him in the feeder… I need a drink.”             “No! No!” The other soldiers were quick to listen to their boss’s demand, wrapping their arms around him as they dragged him away. Achim on the other hand made his way back down the hall. Luckily his private office wasn’t too far away.

               As the boss walked down the hallway, his hands were linked behind his back. The Test Centre of Classified Somatology, usually known as the TCCS amongst the employees. Thirty years of blood, sweat and tears went into this place, sadly, for it’s creator, it had to remain hidden to the rest of the world. He approached his office slowly, nodding to the two soldiers who always stood guard at the door. They saluted back in a sign of respect as Achim entered. The room itself was large, but the office only took up a quarter of the space while the rest was used as living quarters for himself. In the right hand corner laid a messy double bed with the covers thrown over the side. Making his way to a large wooden cabinet, his metal fingers brushed against glass bottles, most of which were unopened bottles of whisky and wine, while others appeared to be almost empty.

             “Hitting the drink already? It’s not even five o’clock.” A woman spoke from the door, Achim didn’t even hear her come in. She was dressed similar to him, a black long lab coat, but unlike her boss, she kept hers unbuttoned.. Her striking white long hair bounced as she walked before she slapped another batch of files on his desk. Being a much much older woman, she had been apart of the facility for many years, almost the same amount of time as Achim. There was no surprise that she would soon find herself second in command.           “Leave me alone, I’ve had a rough day.” Achim snarked back at her comment while he poured himself a nice tall glass of Malt Scotch Whisky, the events from earlier today called for one of the more expensive drinks in his collection. “What’s this?”           “Paperwork for that soldier you sentenced to death. Come on, you know the drill.” Her nail pressed against the file folder, tapping it.           “Do you really need this right this second Karolinne?”          “Yes, and don’t call me that while we’re on the job… I don’t want the rest of the employees to start…” She retorted with a small huff, still standing her ground in front of his desk. “I heard about the rouge scientist… What are you going to do about her?”              Upon that question being asked, Achim stood up, whisky cup in hand as he made his way to the large window that was one of his walls. Behind the glass were fake trees, which rustled slightly as if something was moving. “It depends on how she plays her cards, if she goes to the media, we can shut it down before anybody gets a chance to see them. Head into parliament, she’d get shot on the spot. I’ll put out a nation wide warrant for her arrest.” Karolinne followed him, her eyes peering down to the area below. “I think you are being way to relaxed about this.” She looked at him before returning her gaze. “You under estimate her, don’t you?”

              “I’m surprised, you more than anybody should know how many people have tried to put a stop to my operation, what is it now? Five? Six?” Achim took another sip of his expensive whisky, not giving her the time of day. She had nothing but respect for him, so when he gave her the cold shoulder, she went silent on the subject.             “The president is going to get wind of this sooner or later.” Only then did the scientist react, shuffling in his spot ever so slightly but it was noticeable to her. On that note, Karolinne made her way to the door. “Get that paperwork done as soon as possible.”             No response. Achim had become lost in his own thoughts. The TCCS had so much potential, however layers of red tape had constricted his ideas and expanding his operation was not possible anymore. Trees rustled below him once more, snapping him out of his thoughts. He slowly walked back to his desk and basically flopped into his chair, starting his paperwork.

          Days had passed since the files were stolen, nothing had really come from it which was rather surprising to Achim. He half expected half of the world to be furious with him but it was all radio silence. The scientist was in his office, observing some of the security footage from that day, when his desk lit up. On the screen below his files, the face of the President himself showed up on the incoming call button.           Great.            He tapped the green answer square as if he was using a normal cell phone. Shortly after a holographic screen appeared in front of him with live feed from the Oval Office. “So nice to see yae mister President.” Achim attempted to clean his desk by just shoving papers back into the file folder, he’ll sort it later. The President of the United States, a man that held tremendous power over many countries around the globe. Personally, Achim felt like he was wasting it. There were so many missed opportunities that would have benefited the country greatly.             “Achim! Why are you killing your own men again!?” He didn’t flinch despite the fact that his boss was yelling at the top of his lungs, clearly furious at him. “First of all, don’t yell at me like that… secondly, that man was incompetent, if you would assign me some people that could in fact do their job, then I’d be more than happy not to send them to the pit.”                  That didn’t stop the president from still screaming his head off. “That’s no excuse! We have people asking questions!”                 Achim held his tongue. As much as he wanted to scream back at the top of his lungs about how that soldier decided to make the smart ass remark, he knew that it would only lead to more arguing. The president continued.                   “We have an investor interested in helping you fund your operations, she will be arriving in the next forty-eight hours, get your act together and make sure you’re ready to show her your best work.”                   That new piece of information really put Achim on edge. His stance shifted while his arms were suddenly crossed at the chest, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “An investor? I told yae… we were getting more orders coming in, people have been paying.”                    “We’re running out of money, even with their contributions. You and I both know that we cannot turn down any interested parties at this point.”

              The scientist rubbed his chin, disapproving by this sudden turn of events. “Fine, we will show her around.”                “Good, now don’t mess this up.” On that note, the screen shut off with a faint clicking sound. Achim moved from rubbing his chin to rubbing his temple.                 Karolinne stood on the side of his desk, she looked rather amused with her wide grin. “On days like this I’m kind of glad you’re the one that has to deal with him and not me.”                  “It’s not like I had a choice in the matter.” He sighed deeply, expelling the pent up rage that had been slowly boiling up to the surface. “Either way, I want this place in pristine condition, a little extra funding would go a long way.”                    “Yes sir.”

[imjustthemechanic]

Natalie Jones and the Golden Ship

Part 1/? - A Meeting at the Palace Part 2/? - Curry Talk Part 3/? - Princess Sitamun

Operation Move the Mummy gets underway, and Natasha meets a rather intriguing man on the train.

It was nearly a month later, towards the end of October with the weather unseasonably cold, when the CAAP gathered again at Folkestone.  They arrived in time to see the coffin of Sitamun loaded onto the train to go through the Chunnel.

There wasn’t very much to see.  When Nat and Allen had gone to the museum, the coffin had been on display inside a temperature-controlled glass case with guards on either side of it.  It was one of the most precious things in the entire collection, some thirty-five hundred years old and carved from a single enormous block of alabaster.  The hieroglyphics that decorated the outside were gilded and inlaid with semi-precious stones, and even in the dim lighting and surrounded by other priceless artefacts, it was breathtaking.

The mummy inside hadn’t fared as well as its container.  Princess Sitamun had been unwrapped at a Victorian party, and her various custodians over the years had kept her in attics, garden sheds, and even a smoking lounge before the museum finally got charge of her.  Rather than being black and leathery, like mummies were supposed to, she was grayish-brown and covered with frayed cracks, like fake leather that had been left out in the elements.  Conservators in Egypt were eager to have a look at her, hoping that their expertise and their country’s dry climate could stop her deteriorating any further.

None of this was visible from the train station in Folkestone, though.  Sitamun and her magnificent sarcophagus had been carefully packed up in an enormous crate that was now being lifted, very slowly and gently, by a crane.  A few reporters were taking pictures while more men waited nervously on the platform to guide the load into the cargo car.

“I wouldn’t like to be any of those guys,” Clint observed as they stood on a balcony to watch.  “The Post said the mummy’s insured for sixty million pounds.  No pressure, huh?”

“Does the insurance cover curses?” asked Sam.  “Or is that just how the company’s planning to get out of paying if anything happens?”

Sharon, always ready to look things up, was reading something on her phone.  “It better,” she said, “because according to Wikipedia this particular mummy is extremely cursed.”

“Really?”  Sam leaned to look over her shoulder.

“Yeah.  They’ve got a whole list of victims here,” Sharon said, her thumb flicking as she scrolled down.  “Okay, so after it was stolen from Egypt by Napoleon’s troops in 1799, the mummy was brought to England in the 1840’s by a guy called Nicolas Desrosiers.  He suddenly died a week later, and the mummy disappeared, but it turned up again in 1865 in the collection of a guy named Sir Richard Hart.  He announced he would be putting it on display, then fell from a horse and broke his neck the very next day.”

“It didn’t kill anybody in the twenty years in between,” Sam observed.

“Yeah, but then it made up for lost time,” said Sharon.  “Hart left the mummy to his daughter Evelyn, who died in childbirth the next year, along with her infant son.  It then belonged to her husband, who’s supposed to have choked to death on a grape.  He left it to his brother, who had a heart attack at the funeral, and his widow was so scared of it she immediately sold it to another collector, who developed a gambling addiction, bet the mummy and lost, and hanged himself.  The guy who won it from him supposedly had his house burn down and the coffin was the only thing that survived the fire.  By 1900 it was supposed to have killed over twenty people and its last owner donated it to the museum.  It didn’t do him any good, since he was mugged and shot the day after.”

“Yikes,” said Allen.

“How much of that is true?” Natasha asked.  Wikipedia, after all, was something anyone could edit.

“I have no idea,” said Sharon.  “A lot of these people have their own articles so they must have really existed, and it looks like none of them after Hart owned the mummy longer than ten years before something awful happened.”

“Life was short and dangerous back then,” Nat pointed out.

“It was indeed,” Sir Stephen agreed.  “Particularly for women.  The Abbess at Rogsey told me once that for a woman to bear a child required more courage than for a knight to go into battle, for the risk to her life was greater.”  Nobody else was looking in the right direction, but Natasha saw him put a hand on Sharon’s back.

“What about the museum?” asked Nat.  “It’s had her more than a century.  Did anything happen there?”

“Looks like no,” said Sharon.  “The list ends there.  So if there’s a curse, I guess it’s only invoked when the mummy is privately owned.”

“I guess I wouldn’t want anyone showing off my corpse, either,” said Sam.

Very slowly, the crane set the crate containing the coffin down on the train car.  Men moved in to strap it down.  The guy who’d been running the crane stepped down out of the cab, tottering as if he were about to fall over.  A co-worker clapped him on the back, shook his hand, and handed him a bottle of beer.

That was the CAAP’s cue to leave their vantage point and board the passenger cars.  They grabbed their coats and carry-ons, and headed down the stairs.

“Even if the mummy does decide to get up and cause trouble, it’ll have a hard time getting out of its coffin with all those crates and straps around it,” Sam observed as they descended.

“In movies mummies don’t tend to care about those things,” said Nat.  “I’d be more worried that if she tries she’ll just disintegrate.  She looked in pretty bad shape when Allen and I saw her.”

On the platform, the group split in two to board the train.  Sir Stephen, Sharon, and Sam went on the car behind the mummy, while Nat, Clint, and Allen were on the one in front.  Other than them, the cars were almost empty.  No commuters or vacation-goers were allowed on this train, just the mummy and a variety of specialists, guards, and conservators who were there to look after it, and a few reporters who’d gotten special permission from the museums in both London and Cairo to cover the move.

People weren’t normally allowed weapons of any sort on the Chunnel trains, but the guards had guns, and Sharon’s police revolver was in its holster under her jacket.  Clint had also brought his archery equipment, having upgraded from Robin Hood’s medieval longbow to a modern Hoyt Buffalo.  He settled down in a window seat, and put the bow and quiver next to him.

“New arrows,” Allen realized, pointing to them.  Clint used several different types all identifiable to the touch by the texture of the fletching.  Today there were several unfamiliar types.

“Yeah, I hit up those kids at Shrivenham for some more of the trick ones,” Clint said.  “At first I figured exploding arrows would take care of a mummy, no trouble, but then I remembered we’re gonna be in a tunnel under the ocean.  You don’t want a fire in there.  So instead, I got these.”  He pulled one out and held it up, showing a capsule of something in place of a head.  “Liquid nitrogen.  It’ll freeze the mummy solid, and we can just smash it.”

“Smart,” said Natasha, nodding.  “Although the Egyptians will never forgive us.”  She and Allen sat down in the row behind Clint.

“They’ll still get their coffin back,” said Clint.  “That’s the expensive part.  I also got this, for the boat ride.”  The mummy, train car and all, would be loaded on a cargo ship for the journey from Istanbul to Cairo.  Clint showed them an arrow with a fishhook tip.

“What’s that?” Nat asked.

“A fishing arrow, obviously!” said Clint.  “You fire it into the water, and when something bites, it’s got a line to reel it back in!”

Natasha laughed.  “You really think you’re gonna use that?” she asked.

“I don’t know, but it’s damn cool,” Clint replied, sliding it back into his quiver.

A couple more people got on board, including one man who came and took a seat right across the aisle from Natasha and Allen.  He was in his thirties, with blue eyes and short brown hair, and a bit of beard stubble.  He was wearing a blue jacket and carrying a sports bag, and he put both of them into the overhead compartment before sitting down and leaning across the aisle to talk to Natasha.

“You’re Dr. Jones, right?” he asked.  His accent was American.

“Yes, that’s me,” said Nat.

The man offered a hand.  “I’m Jim Barnes from the New York Times.  I’m covering the story.”

“Nice to meet you,” Natasha said guardedly.  Internally she was bracing herself.  Reporters who talked to her were interested in one of two things – either her past as a spy, or, in the last week or so, the story of Sitamun’s curse.

“They’re talking about this all the way to New York?” asked Allen.

“They sure are,” said Barnes.  “We’ve got a lot of Egyptian stuff in the Museum of Natural History and in the Met, and people are worried we’ll be expected to do the same kind of ‘gesture’ for Egypt as the Brits are.  The Bugle had a headline demanding to know if we’ll have to send back Cleopatra’s Needle next.”

“I don’t know anything about that,” Natasha said.  “I’m an archaeologist, not a politician.”

“Mm-hm.”  Barnes pulled out a digital recorder.  “Well, would you mind telling me, as an archaeologist, who was Princess Sitamun and how she ended up in England?  I figure that’s a way more interesting and education angle on this than any of the curse stuff or the politics.”

Nat relaxed a little.  “Sure,” she said.   “Although I’m not an Egyptologist, so this is just what I’ve managed to learn from textbooks and the people at the V&A.”

“That’s all right,” said Barnes.  “Tell me.”

As the train pulled out of the station and headed into the yawning mouth of the Chunnel, Nat decided to begin at the beginning.  “Well,” she said, “Sitamun was the daughter of a pharaoh of the seventeenth dynasty, around 1580 BCE.  We don’t know very much about her.  She married her brother Ahmose, who was supposed to be next in line for the throne, but she died before he was crowned…”

Barnes seemed honestly interested in what she was telling him, asking questions and nodding along – but halfway through her impromptu lecture, she heard snoring, and looked over to see that Clint had fallen asleep.

“Am I that dull?” asked Nat.

“No, you’re not.”  Barnes touched her arm and smiled at her.  “Not at all.  Keep talking.”

As they rumbled along in the dark, Nat found herself wondering what Sir Stephen, Sharon, and Sam were doing or talking about in the car ahead.  Sir Stephen would probably be interested in the Chunnel – among the first things he’d commented on about the future was what ingenious engineers the people here were.  The idea of a tunnel under the English Channel was one he’d probably find both impressive and terrifying, since it theoretically left the islands open to invasion from the mainland.  That had been one of the main objections to building it, since the idea was first proposed in the nineteenth century.

“So if you don’t believe in mummy curses,” Barnes said, “what are you doing here?  Because that’s what all the tabloids are talking about – the UK government is so scared of the mummy’s curse they sent along the people who defeated Totenkopf.”

Nat sighed.  “We’re a precaution,” she said.  “They’re just trying to plan for everything.”

“Are you going all the way to Egypt?” Jim asked next.

“We’re planning to,” she said.  “All the way to meet Dr. Mostafa in Cairo.”

Barnes nodded.  “I’ve been to Cairo before, actually,” he said, giving her a cockeyed smile.  “I know a couple of places there.  Maybe once we arrive and you’re done with your mummy-sitting and I’m done with my article-writing, you could come and have a drink with me?”

[ts1989fanatic]

All 115 of Taylor Swift's Songs, Ranked

From teenage country tracks to synth-pop anthems and little-known covers, a comprehensive assessment and celebration of Swift's one-of-a-kind songbook

Taylor Swift the celebrity is such a magnet for attention, she can distract from Taylor Swift the artist. But Swift was a songwriter before she was a star, and she'll be a songwriter long after she graduates from that racket. It's in her music where she's made her mark on history – as a performer, record-crafter, guitar hero and all-around pop mastermind, with songs that can leave you breathless, or with a nasty scar. She was soaring on the level of the all-time greats before she was old enough to rent a car, with the crafty guile of a Carole King and the reckless heart of a Paul Westerberg – and she hasn't exactly slowed down since then.

So with all due respect to Taylor the myth, the icon, the red-carpet tabloid staple, let's celebrate the realTaylor – the songwriter she was born to be. Let's break it down: all 115 tunes, counted from the bottom to the top. The hits, the flops, the deep cuts, the covers, from her raw 2006 debut as a teen country ingénue to "...Ready for It?" – her latest offering. Every fan would compile a different list – that's the beauty of it. But they're not ranked by popularity, sales or supposed celebrity quotient – just the level of Taylor genius on display, from the perspective of a fan who generally does not give a rat's nads who the songs are "really" about. All that matters is whether they're about you and me. (I guarantee you are a more fascinating human than the Twilight guy, though I'm probably not.)

Sister Tay may be the last true rock star on the planet, making brilliant moves (or catastrophic gaffes, because that's what rock stars do). These are the songs that sum up her wit, her empathy, her flair for emotional excess, her girls-to-the-front bravado, her urge to ransack every corner of pop history, her determination to turn any chorus into a ridiculous spectacle. So let's step back from the image and pay homage to her one-of-a-kind songbook – because the weirdest and most fascinating thing about Taylor Swift will always be her music.

115. "Bad Blood" (2014)

Melodically parched, lyrically unfinished, rhythmically clunky – this was a mighty strange pick for a single from an album as loaded as 1989. There are a million things Taylor has in common with Paul McCartney – one is that celebrity grievances tend to sound like a penny-ante waste of their time, even when they're totally understandable (unless you're a fan of Macca's "Dear Boy," where John Lennon is his Katy Perry). The single remix is improved by Kendrick Lamar – but he wasn't saving his A-game for this one.

Best line: "Band-Aids don't fix bullet holes."

114. "Santa Baby" (2007)

Yes, she made a Christmas album, which is full of contenders for the basement of this list. But an oldie about a gold digger wooing Little Saint Nick was perhaps a dubious pick for a singer still in her teens.

Best line: "I've been an awful good girl."

113. "A Place in This World" (2006)

Apprentice work from the debut, when she was still learning the ropes as a country songwriter. Yet, the seeds of greatness are already there. Historical significance: This was the song where Tay discovered rain imagery, which in her hands was the equivalent of Sir Isaac Newton inventing calculus.

Best line: "I'll be strong/I'll be wrong/But life goes on."

112. "Christmas Must Be Something More" (2007)

A hymn about how Jesus is the reason for the season, with the hook, "So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives." Unlike most boys Swift sings about, Jesus didn't comment publicly.

Best line: "What would happen if God never let it snow?"

111. "I'm Only Me When I'm With You" (2006)

Could there be a less Swiftian sentiment? For better or worse, this girl is always herself. That's kinda the point.

Best line: "I'm only up when you're not down/Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground."

110. "Two Is Better Than One" With Boys Like Girls (2009)

A long, long, very long duet with former Good Charlotte and Fall Out Boy tourmates Boys Like Girls, who are either from London or Nashville (they seem to switch accents at random).

Best line: "You already got me coming…undone."

109. "Out of the Woods" (2014)

Taylor loves to sing about boyfriends who are terrible drivers, but this guy takes the prize – he crashes her snowmobile and gets 20 stitches in the hospital. Call a cab, girl.

Best line: "Two paper airplanes flying, flying, flying."

108. "Silent Night" (2007)

This bizarre version manages to miss almost every single note in the melody. They sure were in a rush to get this Christmas album out.

Best line: "Shepherds quake at the sight."

107. "Both of Us" With B.o.B (2012)

Nice try at remaking "Airplanes," but that Hayley Williams lightning does not strike twice.

Best line: "Your money's all gone, and you lose your whip."

106. "The Last Time" With Gary Lightbody (2012)

Her duet with the guy from Snow Patrol. Unfortunately, their voices don't mesh at all – what, is he auditioning for a Spandau Ballet tribute band? The funny moment is the très Eighties synth-horn blurp at the three-minute mark.

Best line: "This is the last time I'm asking you this/Put my name at the top of your list."

105. "The Outside" (2006)

Still a rookie, still learning, still trying to get away with "read between the lines" and "the road less traveled by" in the same verse.

Best line: "Nothing ever works the first few times/Am I right?"

104. "Girl at Home" (2012)

A perfunctory cheating-is-bad homily, with barely any chorus.

Best line: "I feel a responsibility/To do what's upstanding and right."

103. "Come in With the Rain" (2008)

She leaves her window open overnight, just in case her ex falls out of a cloud. There's a great "oooh" in the second chorus – one of those moments you can tell she's an Oasis fan. (This song makes you suspect "Don't Look Back In Anger" is a fave.)

Best line: "I could stand up and write you a song/But I don't wanna have to go that far."

102. "Half of My Heart" With John Mayer (2009)

The real prize from his Battle Studies album is "Heartbreak Warfare"; this is lesser J.M., with an underexploited T.S. cameo and an increasingly irritating premise of hearts having fingers, which they don't. No wonder the girl in the dress cried the whole way home.

Best line: "Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation."

101. "The Other Side of the Door" (2008)

Again with the slamming doors. Tay Tay – even the great songwriters can get away with exactly one slamming door per career. And just to be on the safe side, she throws in pouring rain, photo albums, a little black dress (which rhymes with "mess" and "confess"), a guy throwing pebbles at her window….In other words, this would be the ultimate Swift song – except there are a hundred better ones.

Best line: "Me and my stupid pride, sitting here alone/Going through the photographs, staring at the phone."

100. "Superman" (2010)

A Lois Lane fantasy, left off Speak Now for good reason.

Best line: "Tall dark and beautiful/He's complicated, he's so irrational."

99. "Cold as You" (2006)

"I start a fight because I need to feel something" – give her credit for honesty, even in this raw phase.

Best line: "Oh, every smile you fake is so condescending."

98. "If This Was a Movie" (2010)

"Good evening, sir. May I help you? You're a guy in a Taylor Swift song who wants to stand outside the window in the pouring rain, begging the love of your life to forgive your sorry ass? Take a number and get in line. No, that line."

Best line: "But I take it all back now!"

97. "Sweeter Than Fiction" (2013)

A warm-up for the synth-pop of 1989, from the One Chancesoundtrack.

Best line: "What a sight when the light came on."

96. "A Perfectly Good Heart" (2006)

"It's not unbroken anymore"? Paging the eminent cardiologist Dr. Toni Braxton.

Best line: "Why would you wanna make the very first scar?/Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?"

95. "White Christmas" (2007)

Unlike "Silent Night," this was a yuletide carol she could handle, with a straight-down-the-middle country rendition.

Best line: "Where the treetops glisten."

94. "Never Grow Up" (2010)

A folksy fingerpicking change of pace on Speak Now, pining for childhood innocence – though it feels more like a leftover from the debut.

Best line: "You're mortified your mom's dropping you off."

93. "I Don’t Wanna Live Forever" With Zayn Malik (2016)

Neither she nor Zayn sound deeply interested in this dueling-falsettos battle from the Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack. Maybe it works in the movie, but who wants to go find out? Really, they sound like two ghosts standing in the place of…sorry, sore subject, let's drop it.

Best line: "I've been feeling sad in all the nicest places."

92. "You Are in Love" (2014)

One of her through-the-years romances, this one featuring a snow globe.

Best line: "For once you let go of your fears and your ghosts."

91. "Mary's Song (Oh My My)" (2006)

Another through-the-years romance, but with a sweet homespun touch.

Best line: "I'll be 87, you'll be 89/I'll still look at you like the stars that shine in the sky."

90. "Highway Don't Care" With Tim McGraw and Keith Urban (2013)

A duet from McGraw's album Two Lanes of Freedom, with a guitar solo from Keith Urban. The plot: His ex is driving away, listening to a Taylor song on the radio, as Tay tries to coax the woman into turning the car around and going home. Perhaps McGraw's finest duet since his great lost Nelly jam, "Over & Over."

Best line: "I bet you're bending God's ear talking 'bout me."

89. "Change" (2008)

Oh, the fall of 2008 – Chuck and Blair were still an item, Suede was killing it on Project Runway, and "Change" was a de facto victory song for Obama, complete with a thumbs-up for "the revolution." Yeah, those were different times.

Best line: "These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down."

88. "Nashville" (2010)

A cover of an obscurity by country singer David Mead, tucked away as a bonus on the Target edition of the Speak Now Tour Live DVD.

Best line: "Was that a blood or wine stain on your wedding dress?"

87. "The Sweet Escape" (2010)

From the same live DVD, a remake of the Gwen Stefani solo hit. Taylor's vocal sure fits the Gwen just-a-girl sensibility.

Best line: "I must apologize for acting stank."

86. "Look What You Made Me Do" (2017)

The reason fans once cared about rap beefs: They inspired great songs, whether it was Queens vs. the Bronx ("The Bridge" vs. "The Bridge Is Over" vs. "Have a Nice Day") or LL Cool J vs. Kool Moe Dee ("How Ya Like Me Now" vs. "Jack the Ripper" vs. "Let's Go" vs. "To Da Break of Dawn"). But this just sounds like a trivial time-waster by her standards – Swift's celebrity feuds are not really one of the hundred most interesting things about her. The main attraction here is the retro Panic! at the Disco vibe. Here's hoping it gets outshined by the rest of Reputation, the way "Shake It Off" was instantly eclipsed by the rest of 1989.

Best line: "It's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality." Oh wait – that actually is Panic! at the Disco.

85. "Stay Beautiful" (2006)

An early stab at a take-the-high-road breakup song.

Best line: "He whispers songs into my window."

84. "I Want You Back" (2010)

A live acoustic tribute to the then-recently departed Michael Jackson, with a bit of Motown tremble in her voice.

Best line: "Now it's much too late for me to take a second look."

83. "The Way I Loved You" (2008)

She meets a low-stress boy who doesn't want love to be torture. Alas, this suitor is toast, because he reminds her how much she misses the manic pixie drama vampire she dated before. Sorry, dude – she loves the players, and she loves the game.

Best line: "He respects my space/And never makes me wait."

82. "Thug Story" With T-Pain (2009)

The classic T-Pain and Taylor duet from the 2009 CMT Awards, still T-Swizzle's finest rap performance.

Best line: "No, I never really been in a club/Still live with my parents, but I'm still a thug/I'm so gangsta you can find me baking cookies at night/You out clubbing, but I just made caramel delight."

81. "I Wish You Would" (2014)

One of her many, many songs set at 2 a.m. – clearly the most inspiring hour on Swift Standard Time – with a staccato disco guitar lick.

Best line: "We were a crooked love in a straight line down."

80. "Umbrella" (2008)

The Rihanna hit, briefly covered on the Live in SoHo digital album. Her finest Ri tribute remains her 2011 version of "Live Your Life" with T.I. onstage in Atlanta – sadly unreleased, but a duet that deserves to be enshrined for the ages.

Best line: "Stand under my umbrella, ella, ella."

79. "I Heart ?" (2008)

The trad country sound she soon left behind, from her Beautiful EyesEP.

Best line: "Wake up, and smell the breakup/Fix my heart, put on my makeup."

78. "Breathe" (With Colbie Caillat) (2008)

A gorgeous duet full of low-key nuances – her humming after the first verse, that "sorry, sorry, sorry" fade, the way Colbie's voice lifts hers.

Best line: "It's tragedy, and it'll only bring you down."

77. "The Moment I Knew" (2012)

A somber piano ballad about getting stood up on your 21st birthday.

Best line: "There in the bathroom/I try not to fall apart."

76. "Untouchable" (2008)

A rare case where she retools somebody else's song on one of her proper albums – the all-but-unknown Y2K-era rock band Luna Halo, who went on to open for Hoobastank. Her Fearless version sounds practically nothing like their original (though both name-check .38 Special's Eighties classic "Caught Up in You"). In fact, it's tough to fathom how she heard the original as raw material she could use – now that's ears.

Best line: "In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream/It's like a million little stars spelling out your name."

75. "Pour Some Sugar On Me" With Def Leppard (2008)

She makes a daring leap into the hair-metal mom market by teaming up with Def Leppard on CMT Crossroads, a move that works almost frighteningly well. Peak glam, especially when she asks the gender-torching question, "Demolition woman, can I be your man?"

Best line: "Do you take sugar? One lump or two?"

74. "Christmases When You Were Mine" (2007)

Taylor writes her own ace lovelorn holiday standard, ambushing her ex with one of those squirm-packed Merry-Christmas phone calls. Awkward question: "When you were putting up the lights this year/Did you notice one less pair of hands?" Eat your heart out, Mariah.

Best line: "I bet you got your mom another sweater."

73. "American Girl" (2009)

A bang-up claim on the Tom Petty classic – she used his original as her live entrance music for a while. Then she switched to Lenny Kravitz's "American Woman."

Best line: "Oh yeah! All right!"

72. "Invisible" (2006)

A teen ditty about a boy who doesn't realize she's alive, from pretty much the last moment in history that was possible. Clever pop-obsessive touch: The final steel-guitar twang echoes Elton John's "Rocket Man." If you think that's an accident…this is Planet Tay. There are no accidents.

Best line: "We could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable, instead of just invisible."

71. "Jump Then Fall" (2008)

Ironclad rule of pop music: Songs about jumping are never a bad idea. Dig that "listens to Sublime once" vocal.

Best line: "I watch you talk, you didn't notice."

70. "Breathless" (2010)

Digging deep in the Nineties modern-rock crates, she does right by a previously obscure (to me) nugget from the New Orleans band Better Than Ezra – from 2005!, 10 years after their MTV hit! – as a charity benefit for the Hope for Haiti Now album.

Best line: "I'll never judge you/I can only love you."

69. "Superstar" (2008)

"You smile that beautiful smile, and all the girls in the front row scream your name." No relation to the 1970s Leon Russell ballad immortalized by the Carpenters – except they're both poignant ballads about groupies crushing on distant guitar boys. Well, as Journey warned, lovin' a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be.

Best line: "You sing me to sleep every night from the radio."

68. "Crazier" (2009)

Her ballad from Hannah Montana: The Movie, snagging her a cameo in the film. (But the highlight of the soundtrack will always be "Hoedown Throwdown.") This is where Taylor and Miley crossed light sabers – although they'd meet again. Great title, too – even Taylor might probably admit Miley had her beat in this department, at least until the "Blank Space" video.

Best line: "Every sky was your own kind of blue."

67. "Innocent" (2010)

Little-known fact: Did you know Kanye West once went onstage to interrupt Swift's acceptance speech at the VMAs and threw a misogynist tantrum about how she didn't deserve an award? Strange but true! "Innocent" was her song publicly forgiving him – seven freaking years ago – then they both released brilliant albums, and we all moved on with our lives. Dear Lord, if only this story had ended there.

Best line: "It's okay/Life is a tough crowd."

66. "Come Back…Be Here" (2012)

A yearning prayer for a rock & roll boy on tour, weak in the knees as she pleads for him to jet back on any terms he chooses.

Best line: "I guess you're in London today."

65. "Tied Together With a Smile" (2006)

An unsung highlight of the debut – a teen pep talk about self-esteem.

Best line: "Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty/Is the face in the mirror looking back at you."

64. "Last Christmas" (2007)

Tay does the Wham! legacy proud – she should have also covered "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go." The ache and quaver of her voice fit the George Michael melancholy; this might be the saddest "Last Christmas" since the original. Plenty of us communed with this version last Christmas, the night we said goodbye to the guy who wrote it. R.I.P., George Michael.

Best line: "A girl on a cover, but you tore her apart."

63. "Tell Me Why" (2008)

From Neil Young to the Beatles, "Tell Me Why" songs are tough to screw up, and even at 19, Tay's too seasoned to let that happen.

Best line: "I need you like a heartbeat/But you know you got a mean streak."

62. "Beautiful Eyes" (2008)

If you're a fan of Swift's Nineties modern-rock radio jones – one of her most fruitful long-running obsessions – check out this shameless tribute to the Cranberries. (But did she have to let it linger? Did she have to? Did she have to?)

Best line: "Baby, make me fly."

61. "Everything Has Changed" (2012)

She and Ed Sheeran wrote this duet together in her backyard while bouncing on a trampoline, because of course they did.

Best line: "All I've seen since 18 hours ago is green eyes and freckles and your smile."

60. "Love Story" (2008)

Romeo meets Juliet: proof that star-crossed teen romances never go out of style. She's kept going back to the well of Shakespearean tragedy, quoting Julius Caesar in the "Look What You Made Me Do" video. It's never been clear what the line "I was a scarlet letter" is doing in this song, but now it's a hint that Tay was just a few years away from going full Hester Prynne in "New Romantics."

Best line: "Just say yes."

59. "Speak Now" (2010)

In real-life weddings, the preacher hardly ever invites the groom's ex up to interrupt the ceremony. But if you're a fan of Tay in stalker mode, this is priceless – crouching behind the curtains in the back of the church, waiting to pounce. "Horrified looks from everyone in the room" – you don't say.

Best line: "It seems I was uninvited by your lovely bride-to-be."

58. "Shake It Off" (2014)

A clever transitional single – great verses, grating chorus, pithy lyrics with a shout-out to her obvious inspiration, Robyn's "Dancing on My Own." As a lead single, "Shake It Off" might have seemed meager after 1989 came out – she was holding back "Blank Space" and "Style" and (Lord have mercy) "New Romantics" for this? But "Shake It Off" got the job done, serving as a trailer to announce her daring Eighties synth-pop makeover.

Best line: "It's like I got this music in my head, saying it's gonna be all right."

57. "Better Than Revenge" (2010)

One of the basic rules of stardom is "never punch down" – don't go after somebody one-thousandth as famous as you – but rules were made to be broken, and Taylor is the girl made to break them. Here, she goes Bruce Lee on a sexual rival who may or may not be the actress who had Alyssa Milano as her babysitter in the erotic thriller Poison Ivy 2. But as usual with Swift, her self-owns are the funniest part of the song.

Best line: "She thinks I'm psycho because I like to rhyme her name with things."

56. "Welcome to New York" (2014)

People sure do love to complain about this song – in fact, the most authentically New York thing about it is how it sends people into spasms of mouth-foaming outrage. An explicitly queer-positive disco ode to arrivistes stepping out in the city that invented disco – "You can want who you want, boys and boys and girls and girls" – that will be bugging the crap out of you in rom-coms for years to come. (It made me throw a napkin at my in-flight screen during How to Be Single, when Dakota Johnson's cab is going the wrong way on the Brooklyn Bridge – and I love this song.) Bumped up a few bonus notches for pissing everyone off, since that's one of this girl's superpowers.

Best line: "Searching for a sound we hadn't heard before/And it said welcome to New York."

55. "Drops of Jupiter" (2010)

I mistakenly thought this Train hit was deep-fried garbage until I heard Swift's version and realized, "Hey, she's right – this is the best soy latte I've ever had!" Props to Tay for bringing out the hidden greatness in this song – the stargazing lyrics and her voice go together like Mozart and tae bo. (The astrophysicist in my life would like me to point out that you can't "make it to the Milky Way" because that's the galaxy we already live in. In fact, you couldn't leave the Milky Way if you tried. Science!)

Best line: "Tell me, did Venus blow your mind?"

54. "Haunted" (2010)

Enchanted to meet you, Goth Taylor. We'll meet again.

Best line: "Something keeps me holding on to nothing."

53. "Today Was a Fairy Tale" (2011)

Don't let the title scare you away – it's a plainspoken and genuinely touching play-by-play recap of a worthwhile date. In fact, "Today Was a Fairy Tale" and "If This Was a Movie" should trade titles, since this one feels realer and would make a better movie. It could rank higher, except she hugely improved it when she rewrote it as "Begin Again." (Docked a couple notches for coming from the soundtrack of Valentine's Day, which is the most dog-vomit flick Jessica Alba has ever made, and I say that as someone who paid money to see The Love Guru.)

Best line: "I wore a dress/You wore a dark gray T-shirt."

52. "All You Had to Do Was Stay" (2014)

A 1989 banger that could have made an excellent single – it sounds a bit like "Out of the Woods," except with a livelier chorus and a stormier range of electro-Tay sound effects.

Best line: "Let me remind you that this was what you wanted."

51. "Eyes Open" (2012)

Finally, her long-overdue metal move, from The Hunger Games: Songs from District 12 and Beyond.

Best line: "Every lesson forms a new scar."

50. "Treacherous" (2012)

"Put your lips next to mine/As long as they don't touch" – now there's an entrance line. Taylor braves the ski slopes of love, with a seething acoustic guitar that finally detonates halfway though.

Best line: "Nothing safe is worth the drive."

49. "You Belong With Me" (2008)

One of her most pop-friendly early hits, singing in the role of a high school geek crushing on her best guy friend. When he comes out in college, they'll have a few laughs about this. (And never let us forget the wisdom of Alicia Silverstone in Clueless: "Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie."

Best line: "She wears high heels, I wear sneakers/She's cheer captain, and I'm on the bleachers."

48. "I Almost Do" (2012)

A Red slow jam that could have worked even better sped up into a punked-out rocker – though it's plenty affecting as is.

Best line: "Every time I don't, I almost do."

47. "...Ready for It?" (2017)

If by "it" you mean "literally any song that isn't 'Look What You Made Me Do,'" the answer is "extremely ready." A major rebound from her previous release, a week earlier – the chorus of this one actually sounds like a Swift song, with a little air in the mix, giving the room she needs to pull off her intricate breathy effects. Max Martin knows how to shape a production around her voice. A hopeful omen for the rest of Repu TAY shun (hey, I just got that).

Best line: "You can be my jailor/Burton to my Taylor."

46. "Stay Stay Stay" (2012)

"Before you, I only dated self-indulgent takers" – but here she turns into a self-indulgent taker herself and (surprise!) she likes it, a phone-throwing nightmare dressed like a grocery-shopping daydream. She finally meets a guy who can roll with her mood swings – even if she's more in love with the mood swings than with the guy.

Best line: "You came in wearing a football helmet and said, 'Okay, let's talk.'"

45. "Safe and Sound" (2012)

She ventures into rootsy folkie territory on the Hunger Gamessoundtrack, teaming up with the Civil Wars and producer T Bone Burnett, exploring crevices of her voice she hadn't opened up before. Everyone steps out of their comfort zone, and it works. The Swift-Burnett connection raises the question of how long it'll take her to collaborate with Elvis Costello, a songwriter with whom she shares some fascinating affinities. At the very least, Tay should cover "New Lace Sleeves."

Best line: "Don't you dare look out your window, darling/Everything's on fire."

44. "Ronan" (2012)

A little-known charity single for cancer research, unlike anything else in her songbook. She wrote this about Ronan Thompson, a four-year-old Arizona boy who died of neuroblastoma, after she read his mom's blog. She turned the blog entries into a disarmingly eloquent ballad (crediting Maya Thompson as co-writer) and performed "Ronan" at the Stand Up to Cancer benefit. You might expect it to be manipulative and obvious; it isn't.

Best line: "We had our own secret club."

43. "You're Not Sorry" (2008)

A dramatic piano-and-strings ballad from Fearless, showing off how much her voice has deepened between her first two albums.

Best line: "It's taken me this long, baby, but I figured you out."

42. "I Know Places" (2014)

She goes all Kate Bush, pursued across the moors by the hounds of love. This 1989 deep cut is underrated, but count on "I Know Places" to loom large in her canon over the years.

Best line: "My love, they are the hunters, we are the foxes."

41. "Bette Davis Eyes" (2010)

Her kickiest left-field cover, from Speak Now Live. "I'd love to play you some music that I'm a fan of that's come from L.A. – is that OK?" she asks the West Coast crowd, strumming her guitar. "This one came out in 1981 – eight years before I was born!" Virtually nobody seems to recognize it or sing along. Kim Carnes hit Number One with "Bette Davis Eyes," but it was written by the great Jackie DeShannon, the only songwriter to collaborate with both Randy Newman and Jimmy Page. (Page wrote "Tangerine" for DeShannon!) The fact that Swift loves this classic ode to romantic espionage explains a lot.

Best line: "She's pure as New York snow/She's got Bette Davis eyes."

40. "Wonderland" (2014)

Why did it take her five albums to get to Alice in Wonderland? Needless to say, Taylor Alison Swift fits right in on the other side of the looking glass, with white rabbits and Cheshire cats. Feed your head!

Best line: "It's all fun and games till someone loses their mind."

39. "The Lucky One" (2012)

She's so lucky, she's a star. For the record, T.S. did cover "Lucky" live once (and damn well, too), as a Britney tribute in Louisiana back in 2011.

Best line: "It's big black cars and Riviera views/And your lover in the foyer doesn't even know you."

38. "Wildest Dreams" (2014)

You rang, Goth Taylor? At first this might have seemed like a minor pleasure on 1989, but it really sounds stronger and stronger over the years, especially when she hiccups the words "my last request ih-ih-is." The video features giraffes and zebras.

Best line: "He's so tall and handsome as hell/He's so bad, but he does it so well."

37. "White Horse" (2008)

Teen Romantic Tay meets Bitter Adult Tay in a superbly disenchanted breakup ballad that gives up on princesses and fairy tales.

Best line: "I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet/Lead up the stairwell."

36. "Starlight" (2012)

"Oh my, what a marvelous tune" seems like a dauntingly quaint chorus, yet she makes it stick, in what sounds like an F. Scott Fitzgerald-themed whirlwind romance. That hook comes straight from the AC/DC playbook (specifically, the opening lines of "You Shook Me All Night Long") – the sign of a truly sick pop scholar.

Best line: "We snuck into a yacht-club party/Pretending to be a duchess and a prince."

35. "Picture to Burn" (2006)

The dawn of Petty AF Tay, as she serves her ex beatdown threats. Every boy who ever complained when Taylor wrote about him – this is where you officially got fair warning.

Best line: "Let me strike a match on all my wasted time."

34. "Forever and Always" (2008)

She added this to Fearless at the last minute – just what the album needed. It's a blast of high-energy JoBro-baiting aggro on her most anomalously shade-free album. "It rains in your bedroom" is a very on-brand Tay predicament.

Best line: "Did I say something too honest? Made you run and hide like a scared little boy?"

33. "Back to December" (2010)

One of the rare ballads where she goes crawling back to an ex she treated like dirt – and she's surprisingly effective in the role. Although breaking into the guy's house is a little extreme. (If she's blocked by the chain on his door, that means she already picked the lock, right?) And sorry, but you're seriously dreaming if you think I'm bothering to Google the name of that Twilight guy, don't @ me.

Best line: "It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you."

32. "The Best Day" (2008)

Her tribute to Mama Swift. A weapons-grade tearjerker and not to be trifled with in a public place. NSFW, unless you are a professional crier.

Best line: "You were on my side/Even when I was wrong."

31. "The Story of Us" (2010)

You could credit this hit with single-handedly driving John Mayer out of the pop heartthrob business and into the Grateful Dead – which is just one of the things to love about it. Along with the Joey Ramone-style way she says, "Next chapter!"

Best line: "See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy."

30. "How You Get the Girl" (2014)

She busts out her trusty acoustic guitar, teardrop stains and all, just to turn it into a beatbox.

Best line: "Stand there like a ghost shaking in the rain/She'll open up the door and say 'Are you insane?'"

29. "Hey Stephen" (2010)

Loaded with classic girl-group flourishes, right from the opening "Be My Baby" drum beat. Plus, it begins and ends with her finest humming solos. If she wanted to hum on every song, she could make that work.

Best line: "All those other girls, well, they're beautiful/But would they write a song for you?"

28. "Should've Said No" (2006)

A pissed-off highlight of the debut, with an Oasis-worthy chorus. Savor the perfect Liam Gallagher way she milks the vowels of "begging for forgiveness at my fee-ee-eet."

Best line: "It was a moment of weakness, and you said yes."

27. "Last Kiss" (2010)

Toward the end of Speak Now, when you're already wrung out from sad songs and begging for mercy, this six-minute quasi-doo-wop ballad creeps up on you to inflict more punishment. One of those flawless Nathan Chapman productions – so sparse, so delicate, flattering every tremor of her voice.

Best line: "I'm not much for dancing, but for you I did."

26. "Teardrops on My Guitar" (2006)

One of her defining early smashes – and the one that marked her crucial crossover to the minivan-mom adult audience, where country stars do most of their business. It also inspired the first anti-Taylor answer song – Joe Jonas sang, "I'm done with superstars/And all the tears on her guitar" in 2009, on the JoBros' instantly forgotten Lines, Vines and Trying Times.

Best line: "Drew walks by me/Can he tell that I can't breathe?"

25. "Sad Beautiful Tragic" (2012)

She must have heard a Mazzy Star song on the radio that morning and thought, "Hey, this sounds like fun." All the details are in place, from her woozy Hope Sandoval mumble to the way Nathan Chapman nails Sandoval's exact tambourine sound. Such an underrated Red gem, one she's almost never done live. Would any other songwriter on Earth have the sheer gall to get away with that title? Let's hope nobody tries.

Best line: "You've got your demons, and, darling, they all look like me."

24. "Mine" (2010)

"You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter" is one of those hooks where she seems to cram a whole life story into one line.

Best line: "I was a flight risk with a fear of falling."

23. "This Love" (2014)

A meditative 1989 nocturne – half acoustic introspection, half electro reverie – as she genuflects in the midnight hour.

Best line: "I could go on and on/And I will."

22. "22" (2012)

Approximately 22,000 times more fun than actually being 22. The best song about turning the double deuce since Neil Young's "Powderfinger," if not the Stratford 4's "Telephone," it's also her first shameless disco trip, with that Nile Rodgers-style guitar flash. But the power move is that "uh oh" into the chorus – the oldest trick in the book, except she makes it sound brand new every time.

Best line: "This place is too crowded, too many cool kids."

21. "Mean" (2010)

A banjo-core Tay-visceration of people who are mean, liars, pathetic, and/or alone in life, including the ones who live in big old cities. Always a concert highlight, showcasing her murderers' row of a band, the Agency.

Best line: "Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing."

20. "I Knew You Were Trouble" (2012)

It slams like a lost Blondie hit, from somewhere between Parallel Lines and Eat to the Beat. The way she sings the word "drown-i-i-i-ing" alone makes it.

Best line: "He was long gone when he met me/And I realize the joke is on me."

19. "Tim McGraw" (2006)

We knew she was trouble when she walked in – or at least we should have guessed from her debut single. You couldn't make this up – a nervy high school kid shows up with a country ballad she whipped together after math class one day, about slow dancing in the moonlight to the pickup truck radio: "When you think Tim McGraw/I hope you think of me." Within a couple of years, she's an even bigger star than McGraw is.

Best line: "He said the way my blue eyes shined/Put those Georgia pines to shame that night/I said, 'That's a lie.'"

18. "Style" (2014)

Not always a subtle one, our Tay. This extremely 1986-sounding synth-pop groove is full of hushed-breath melodrama, where even the guy taking off his coat can feel like a plot twist. (Why would he keep his coat on? This is his apartment.) And the long-running songwriting badminton between her and Harry Allegedly is pop call-and-response the way it ought to be – no matter how much misery it might bring into their personal lives, for the rest of us it means one great tune after another. (Yeah, OK, plus the one about the snowmobile.)

Best line: "You got that James Dean daydream look in your eye/And I got that red lip classic thing that you like."

17. "State of Grace" (2012)

She opens Red with one of her grandest love songs in arena-rock drag, and the U2 vibe makes sense since she's also got a red guitar and the truth. If "State of Grace" is her U2 song, what's the U2 song that sounds most like Taylor? Probably "All I Want Is You," though you could make a strong case for "A Sort of Homecoming."

Best line: "Up in your room and our slates are clean/Twin fire signs, four blue eyes."

16. "Sparks Fly" (2010)

"Drop everything now! Meet me in the pouring rain!" Oh, this girl loves her precipitation scenes, but "Sparks Fly" really brings the thunder. It shows off her uncanny power to make a moment sound gauchely private and messily public at the same time. (The new Waxahatchee album has another excellent song called "Sparks Fly" – no relation.)

Best line: "Just keep on keeping your eyes on me."

15. "Fifteen" (2008)

"In your life you'll do bigger things than date the boy on the football team/I didn't know that at 15." Still south of her twenties, she sings her compassionately, sisterly yet hardass advice to her fellow teenage girls. (Spoiler: Boys are always lying about everything.)

Best line: "We both cried."

14. "Ours" (2010)

Like so many of her songs, "Ours" sounds like it could be channeling the 16-blue mojo of the Replacements' punk-rock bard Paul Westerberg. (Melodically, it evokes "When It Began," though it feels more like "I Will Dare.") Especially the best line, which is possibly the best-est "best line" on this list, and which I sing to myself a mere dozen times a day.

Best line: "Don't you worry your pretty little mind/People throw rocks at things that shine."

13. "Begin Again" (2012)

"You said you never met one girl who had as many James Taylor records as you," indeed. Sweet Baby Tay drops a deceptively simple ballad that sneaks up and steamrolls all over you, as an unmelodramatic coffee date leads to an unmelodramatic emotional connection. She's always been outspoken about her mad love for her namesake JT and Carly Simon, but "Begin Again" could be the finest collabo they never wrote.

Best line: "You don't know why I'm coming off a little shy/But I do."

12. "Fearless" (2008)

Oh, Fearless, it's easy to take you for granted sometimes. The first time I heard her sophomore record (the record company literally played it over the phone for me because they were so afraid of it leaking) I thought, "Holy cats, this is a perfect pop album. She'll never top this." Then she topped it three times in a row, to the point where it's one of history's most curiously overlooked perfect pop albums. The title anthem gathers so many of her favorite tropes in one chorus – rain, cars, fancy dresses, boys who stare at her while driving instead of watching the damn road, shy girls posing as brave and faking it till they make it – and builds up to a swoon.

Best line: "You're so cool, run your hands through your hair/Absent-mindedly making me want you."

11. "Enchanted" (2010)

The moment where this bittersweet symphony leaps from a nine to a 10 comes at the 4:25 point, when it feels like the song has reached its logical conclusion, until the Interior Monologue Voice-Over Taylor beams in to whisper: "Please don't be in love with someone else/Please don't have somebody waiting on you." In the final seconds, for the coup de grace, she duets with herself.

Best line: "The lingering question kept me up at 2 a.m./Who do you love?"

10. "Our Song" (2006)

The hit that made me a Swift fan, the first moment I heard it in 2007 – it knocked me sideways in the middle of lunch. (The CW played it as interstitial music between afternoon reruns of the Clueless sitcom and What I Like About You.) "Our song is a slamming screen door," what a genius hook. I Googled to see who wrote this; it turned out the songwriter was also the singer and – how strange – she was just starting out. I hoped she might have at least another great tune or two in her. This song and that voice have kept slamming those screen doors ever since.

Best line: "We're on the phone, and you talk reeeeeal slow/'Cause it's late and your mama don't know."

9. "Red" (2012)

The mission statement for Red, this century's most ridiculously masterful megapop manifesto. Eurodisco plus banjos – the glitter-cowgirl totality Shania Twain spent years trying to perfect, with a color-tripping lyric worthy of Prince himself, faster than the wind, passionate as sin. Plus, her all-time gnarliest pileup of Swiftian metaphors. (Nitpick: What kind of crossword puzzle has no right answer? What self-respecting puzzlemaster would sign off on that?)

Best line: "Lovin' him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street."

8. "Clean" (2014)

Love is the drug. "Clean" is the stark synth-folk ballad of an infatuation junkie struggling through some kind of detox, with a big assist from Imogen Heap. An intense finale for the all-killer homestretch of 1989.

Best line: "Ten months sober, I must admit/Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it."

7. "Holy Ground" (2012)

Nobody does zero-to-60 emotional peel outs like our girl, and "Holy Ground" is her equivalent of Evel Knievel jumping the Snake River Canyon. Note the sly brilliance of how she steals that Eighties guitar riff from none other than Billy Idol, making this her "White Wedding" as well as her "Rebel Yell." (Though the lyrics are about dancing with herself.) A highlight on the Red tour, showcasing Tay's drum-solo skills.

Best line: "Hey, you skip the conversation when you already know."

6. "Dear John" (2010)

A slow-burning, methodical, precise, savage dissection of a failed quasi-relationship, with no happy ending, no moral, no solution, not even a lesson learned – just a bad memory filed away. "Dear John" might sound like she's spontaneously pouring her heart out, but it takes one devious operator to make a song this intricate feel that way. ("You're an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry and never impressed by me acing your tests" – she makes all that seem like one gulp of breath.) Every line stings, right down to the end when she switches from "I should have known" to "You should have known."

Best line: "I'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town."

5. "We Are Never Getting Back Together" (2012)

Like, ever. Her funniest breakup jam, because it's her most self-mocking. She could have made the guy in this song a shady creep—a cheater, a liar, a scarf-stealer, etc. But, no, he's just a needy little run-of-the-mill basket case, exactly like her, making the same complaints about her to his own bored friends, though his complaints can't be as catchy as this chorus. And the video is a gem, especially when she's wearing the Tay Is Seriously Mad Now glasses. Where is that indie-rock bar that still has a pay phone?

Best line: "I mean, I'm just like, this is exhausting, OK?

4. "Blank Space" (2014)

A double-venti celebration of serial monogamy for Starbucks lovers everywhere, as Tay zooms through the whole cycle – the high, the pain, the players, the game, magic, madness, heaven, sin. Every second of "Blank Space" is perfect, from the pen clicks to the "nasss-taaaay-scarrr" at the end. The high might not be worth the pain, but this song is.

Best line: "Darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream."

3. "Long Live" (2010)

This is her "Common People," her "Born to Run," her "We Are the Champions." An arena-slaying rock anthem to cap off Speak Now, for an ordinary girl who suddenly gets to feel like she rules the world for a minute or two. "Long Live" could be a gang of friends, a teen couple at the prom, a singer addressing her audience. But like so many songs on Speak Now, her secret prog album, it reaches a point where it feels like it's over and Tay's bringing it in for a landing, except that's when the song gets twice as good. In the final verse, she makes a gigantic mess. (Actual lyric: "Promise me this/That you'll stand by me forever." WTF, girl, you were doing so well there.) Yet that's the moment that puts "Long Live" over the top – a song nobody else could have written, as she rides those power chords home. That's Taylor: always overdoing it, never having one feeling where six would do. Long live.

Best line: "I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you."

2. "New Romantics" (2014)

The way Taylor exhales at the end of the line "I'm about to play my ace-aaah" is perhaps the finest moment in the history of human lungs. "New Romantics" is where she takes the Eighties synth-pop concept of 1989 to the bank, with a mirror-ball epiphany that leaves tears of mascara all over the dance floor. She tips her cap to the arty poseurs of the 1980s New Romantic scene – Duran Duran, Adam Ant, the Human League, etc. – yet sounds exactly like her own preposterously emotional self. (One of my weirdest moments of recent years: explaining this song's existence to the guys in Duran Duran.) "New Romantics" is hardly the first time she's sung about crying in the bathroom, but it's the one that makes crying in the bathroom sound like a bold spiritual quest, which (when she sings about it) it is. The punch line: Having written this work of genius, exceeding even the wildest hopes any fan could have dreamed, she left it off the damn album, a very New Romantic thing to do.

Best line: "We show off our different scarlet letters/Trust me, mine is better."

1. "All Too Well" (2012)

So casually cruel in the name of being awesome. This towering ballad is Swift's zenith, building to peak after peak. For "All Too Well," she teams up with her trustiest collaborators – songwriting sensei Liz Rose, producer Nathan Chapman – to spin a tragic tale of doomed love and scarves and autumn leaves and maple lattes. It's full of killer moments: the way she sings "refrigerator," the way she spits out the consonants of "crumpled-up piece of paper," the way she chews up three "all"s in a row. No other song does such a stellar job of showing off her ability to blow up a trivial little detail into a legendary heartache. (That scarf should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, though in a way it already is.) You can schaeden your freude all over the celebrity she reputedly sings about, but on the best day of your life you will never inspire a song as great as "All Too Well." Or write one.

Best line: "Maybe we got lost in translation/Maybe I asked for too much/Maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up/Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well."

[crowleysqueenofhellwithasmile]

Saving, Mr. Holmes

Chapter Eight- A Little Demonology Lesson

MASTERLIST

Warnings: Language, Smut, Light Bondage. 

Words:3931 

A/N: @onepissedofsquirrel is way too good at writing smut :P 

I got dressed in a burgundy sweater with the collar of my light pink button up folded over the top. I had on a simple pair of blue jeans and my oxfords tied tightly. I looked at Sherlock and handed him my old anti-possession symbol. “Here put this on… it’ll help you from getting possessed.”

“What about you?” He questioned while glancing up at me.

“I’m sure you’ve seen my tattoo.” Sherlock nodded and I opened the door.

Dean was sitting on my couch in the livingroom “This is a nice little place. Nothing like the bunker though, you have no weapons in here.”  

I sighed and walked to the bookshelf opening it to the gun cabinet. “Really Deano… Don’t you know I’m smarter than that?” the shock showed on his face making me smirk. “I have some Demon and Angel Blades. Sherlock, you and John will need one.”

“Were taking your boyfriend and his best friend? Don’t you think that’s a bad idea?”

“Dr. Watson was in the Army and Mr. Holmes is a good fighter from what I’ve seen. They’re my hunting partners in this country. I’d like for you to appreciate them being willing to help.”

He sighed a bit “As long as they don’t get in the way.”

I gave Sherlock two blades, and then grabbed my own. “It’s been so long since we had a good demon fight.” I smiled as I strapped my blade to my arm the way Castiel showed me. When we arrived upstairs I gave John his blade, and helped them both strap them to their arms. I grabbed my peacoat sliding it on slowly before stepping out of the door.

We hailed two cabs and rode to the pub where the demon had killed last. Dean got out of the cab and went reaching for his badge when Lestrade walked over.

“Sherlock, John, and of course, very pleased to see you, Ms.Carter.”

I smiled and nodded before I motioned toward Sam and Dean “These are my friends from the states. Sam and Dean Winchester… We think this is a little bit more my area. So if you would please?”

He nodded and shook Sam and Dean’s hand. When we walked in Dean grabbed my arm gently. “How many people know about what we do?”

“Lestrade helped out on a werewolf case… He’s my Jody Mills. So back off.”

“Well at least you seem to have connections.” I nodded and looked around at the scene. I saw some residue around one of the bodies and ran it between my fingers sniffing it carefully.

“Sulfur.” I said with a sigh. “So you think someone heard that the Winchesters are in town?” I looked at the boys with a smirk.

Sherlock and John both looked at them confused. “We’re kind of a big deal to demons and the like.” Sam shrugged his shoulders.

“Oh come on Moose, let’s not kid each other here.” A man with a british accent said. I turned and saw Crowley standing there in his all black suit. “Hello Boys and Kassandra, dear.”

“Crowley.” I rolled my eyes.

“Who are these two? They’re new.” He said walking toward Sherlock.

“Sherlock Holmes. You are?”

“The King of Hell.” John looked at me then back at Crowley “Heard you boys were around my old neck of the woods… well you know where that is don’t you boys.”

Dean rolled his eyes “Alright what the fuck do you want?”

“Just curious about what the Winchesters are doing here. Then when my demons came back with news that Kassie here is hooking up with the  number one consulting detective in the world. Well I just had to see it for myself.” he looked at me. “How are you liking London love… enough action for you? Heard you’re dealing with more than monsters now.”

“Yes sorry to interrupt but did I hear you right? Did you say King of Hell?” John said piping in. “So you’re Lucifer.”

“No that poor sod is in his cage. I started off King of the Crossroads.” Crowley said.

“No need for the life story asshat… why the deaths? This isn’t just a welcome to London party?” I said letting the blade drop into my hand.

“Oh Kassandra. No need to brag. You three will never kill me and you know it. Or is it five now? You know what it doesn't matter. After all I’m better than Lucifer and we had our time together.” he walked closer to me. I rolled my eyes at his words.

“Time together?” Sherlock questioned.

“It was just a fling.” I barked while staring daggers at the back of Crowley’s head.

“Oh darling we both know it was a lot more than just a fling. Nothing too big though, you are correct there. You already know that Mr. Holmes, don’t you?” He turned to him then.

“You dated the bloody King of Hell?” John said disbelievingly. Sherlock just stared at me with a pure face that only screamed one thing, ‘What the fuck?’. I took his hand then and lead him to the back.

“I ran away from Sam and Dean when I was eighteen. I meet Crowley and he seemed amazing. I suppose I should’ve known better. He told me he was a businessman and we hit it off. We stayed at a little cabin together and I worked as a waitress and he only came home at night. I didn’t know who he was exactly till Sam found me when Lucifer rose and the apocalypse was starting, even then he was just the King of the Crossroads.” I sighed once I finished.

“The apocalypse?” Sherlock exclaimed as he looked at me dumbfounded.

“Yeah it almost happened. It’s a long story but once again no big deal.” I said with a shrug. “But I suppose you’re not mad about the whole Crowley thing, right?”

He gave me a smile then and kissed me gently. “Of course. It’s normal to have exes, yours just happens to be the King of Hell who just so happened to know about last night.” I smiled and rubbed Sherlock’s knuckles gently before realising there were other matters that needed to be tended to.

We walked back out to see ten demons standing around with the boys and John tied up. Crowley was sitting in a chair looking over a drink menu. “Well Kassie, Sherlock glad you two could join the party. It’s just getting to the fun part.”

I heard a creak in the the floorboard and swung around with my leg first kicking the demon in the jaw. I slid my Angel Blade out and thrusted the blade into the demon’s chest watching it glow orange momentarily. “Really Crowley? I think you forgot who you’re dealing with.”

“Yes… Little orphan Kassie, always the class A fighter.” He smirked. I heard Sherlock groan and looked over to see him being held with a knife to his throat. “But see now you have a weak spot.”

I smirked at him then “You’re right. You win, Crowley. You’re the second smartest man I know.”

He looked at me then “See you’re no better than the Winchester boys. I told you everyone they get close to dies. Sweetheart you should’ve stuck with me.”

“Fine I’ll go with you. But, you have to answer something for me.” He nodded and waved his hand for me to go on “If I’m no better than the Winchesters, then tell me how I got your special little gun.” I quirked my head to the side and made a pout with my lips. I pulled out the gun that I pickpocketed from Crowley earlier and smirked.

“You little-”

“Please Crowley, No need for flattery or name calling.” I shot the demon behind Sherlock without even glancing in their direction. I then aimed the gun at Crowley. “How many more of your men will die tonight, darling?” I hissed the pet name in Crowley’s direction. My voice laced with venom. I moved the gun toward each of the eight remaining demons. “I should really make me some of these bullets...” I smirked and changed my aim, firing one shot. The demon behind Dean dropped and I watched as he glowed orange then white. “Angel Blade infused bullets. Extraordinary wouldn’t you say, John?” I fired another shot and the demon behind Dean dropped to the floor.

“Four more to go Crowley.” I walked to him slowly and placed the gun under his chin as I leaned in close to his face. “Or you could call off every single one of your low down pets and realize your loss.”

“Admit losing to Kassandra Carter? That’s easy.” He scoffed.

“No. Admit losing to Kassie Winchester.” I smirked “You were outsmarted by a Winchester. Not just any Winchester though. The younger sister. How does that feel? Losing to the youngest. Losing to a girl.” I leaned back from his face and cocked the gun.

He looked me in the eyes then “We both know you won’t do it.”

“Do you Crowley?” I said with a smile. I could see the reflection of my cold dark eyes in his own. I never let my eyes leave his. “Look at you, you haven’t moved since I pulled out the gun. You keep your eyes on me though because you want me to think you’re not scared but those fingers of yours are just going a mile a minute. You don’t know if I’ll pull the trigger or not. Your fake confidence doesn’t work on me anymore. I grew up.”  I pull the gun away from him then. “You are still useful so I won’t kill you yet. Now, get the fuck out of my town.” I walked away and when I turned to look he was gone along with his alive men.

I made quick work of untying Sam and Dean. “Man are you boys really getting that old?”

“Shut it Kassie.” Dean snapped while standing. “Took you long enough to save us.”

“Not like you were going anywhere, Deano.” I smirked.

We all caught a couple cabs home and I looked at Sherlock in the back of our cab. I kissed him passionately. “I’m so glad I didn’t lose you.”

He smiled against my lips “I trusted you wouldn’t let anything happen to me. Although next time you could maybe look where you are aiming.” I giggled at his comment before kissing him once again.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

That afternoon I trotted up to Sherlock’s apartment and saw Sam packing in the livingroom area. “Going home tonight?”

“Yeah. We’re still needed in America.” he glanced in my direction “But, if you and Sherlock ever want to make the trip. We have room in the bunker.”

I slowly stepped forward to Sammy, wrapping my arms around his tall frame. “I love you Sammy.”

“Hey no chick flick moments.” Dean said as he walked into the livingroom.  

I laughed lightly and walked over to him hugging him tight “I love you too Deano.”

He sighed and hugged me back. “Love you too kiddo.” I giggled slightly as I pulled away. He looked to Sherlock then “I’d tell you not to fuck with her but I guess you already know that.”

I rode with them to the airport. I smirked as I saw Dean’s nervous smile as we walked into the busy airport. Part of me wanted to make a smartass remark but I knew the only reason he was here is because I was hurt.

“Thank you guys for coming…” I teared up looking at them, not knowing how long it would be before I saw my brothers again.

I smiled tearfully as I hugged them both. When I let go, I  watched them as they walked through security.

“You’ll see them soon.” I said to myself as I walked outside and hailed a cab. “221B Baker Street.” I sighed as I got in. I watched the buildings pass by remembering the first time I landed in London. Before I ever knew Mr. Sherlock Holmes, damn what a boring life that was even with the monsters Sherlock made my life so much more interesting.

When we arrived I paid the cabbie and walked up the stairs to Sherlock and John’s flat. I saw Sherlock sitting in his chair with his violin in his lap. He strummed at the top of the instrument and his blue eyes slowly moved up to meet mine “I didn’t expect you back from the airport so soon.” he commented, his voice an octave lower than normal. I watched as he stood and placed his violin on the table.  

“Where’s John?” I asked as he took a step toward me.

“Store to pick up some things.” He put his hands on my hips gently as he looked down at me.

“Well I mean I don’t think it’ll take him four hours, but we do know how he has the problems with the machines.” I gasped a bit as his lips went to my neck sucking slightly at my sweet spot.

“Just enough time for us to try some new things.” I looked at him but before I could say anything he took my hand and lead me to his bedroom. I looked at the simple room, it was fitting for the detective. Everything in the room was needed. A long mirror across from the door, a full size bed was in the middle of the room, a dresser next to that. I sat on the bed and looked up at him. “I have a specific set of interests that are slightly out there, however I would like to explore them with you.”

“What would those be exactly?”

“Well I was thinking we would start with the riding crop.”

“Whoa there tiger, slow down. Take baby steps into this whole thing. How bout we start with some rope and those strong calloused hands of yours.”

“You would look lovely tied up.” Sherlock walked to his closet and removed a small stretch of rope from a small box. “This would contrast against that velvety tanned skin of yours. Bend over so I can bind your hands.” He said simply but I couldn’t help but laugh a bit.

“I haven’t had my hands bound since I got possessed on my seventeenth birthday.”

He rolled his eyes “Will you bend over for me please, Kassie.”

“What about foreplay.” I smirked stepping to him. He stood there watching as I let my hands slowly unhook his belt. I kissed him as I rubbed his arousal through his jeans. I heard his breath catch and giggled a bit. I slowly slid his pants and boxers down his legs leaving them around his ankles. I slowly began pumping him softly with my hand. He gasped quietly as I sat him on the bed. I slowly sunk to my knees in front of him . I pumped his length slowly as I let my eyes travel up to his. His eyes stayed glued to me as I licked from the base to the tip before I letting his length slip between my lips. He groaned placing his hand softly on the back of my head. I took him deeper in response, looking up at him as I bat my eyelashes up at him. He groaned louder as he gripped the bed sheets tightly to steady himself. I sped up my movements and hollowed out my cheeks. I moaned quietly as his groans got louder till finally he grunted releasing in my mouth. I smirked, swallowing before licking my lips and standing up in front of him.

“Extraordinary.” His eyes glinted as her pulled my sweater over my head. He smirked as his calloused fingers worked on undoing the buttons on my pink top. He slipped it off my shoulders slowly as he leaned closer placing his lips on the gentle crest of my breast. He looked up to me as her gently bit the tender flesh, his fingers coming to lightly trace up the lace of the bra. Both hands then gently grasped the clip behind my back.  

“We’ll need a safe word if we are to do this… Something so you know that I am uncomfortable if it comes to it.” I said as his eyes flickered to mine. He slowly stood and turned me around, pulling me back against him, forgetting about unclasping my bra momentarily.

“What would you like, Princess?” He whispered as his lips gently caressed the curve of my ear. I could feel his breath on the side of my neck as he spoke. As I thought of a word to use, I could feel his lips attach to the patch of skin just below my ear as he sucked gently. I could feel his hands move slowly around my waist, as he began to unfasten my pants. I felt his fingers slip into the waistband of my jeans slowly pushing them down.

He looked at me in just my pink lace bra and matching panties then smiled. “Pie… No one says pie during sex.”

He smirked as he unsnapped my bra taking it off before gently running his finger over the material of my panties. He gently pulled my wrists together, starting by wrapping the rope around my wrists twice then wrapping the rope in the middle of wy wrists twice then feeding the access through the center and tightening it.  He smirked once again and gently gripped the ropes on my wrists, spinning us so I was trapped between him and the bed. “Fine pie it is then. Now bend over for me, Princess.”

I felt him place his hands on my hips as he helped me climb onto the bed. Once I was on the bed, he gently pushed my shoulders forward. He took a step back and groaned quietly before walking behind me once again. One of his hands held my bound hands with the black silk rope while the other gently tugged down my panties to my knees. I moaned quietly as I felt his middle finger slide between my lips, he groaned at the feeling of my wetness.

“You’re so wet, Princess… Do you like being tied up? Letting me take complete control over you?” He then quickly slid two fingers into me, sinking slowly into my wetness.

All I could do was let out a little gasp as he curved his fingers inside of me. He slowly slipped his fingers from between my lips, before sliding them between his own. I heard his short and low groan before moaning. I let out a small whimper when I felt his lips on my thighs, sucking and nibbling softly. I moaned quietly, and clenching my tied hands into fists. I cried out quietly when I felt his mouth on my sex as he slowly licked up my folds sucking them into his mouth.

“Sh-Sherlock… I need y-you.” I quietly whined.I felt him laugh slightly against me.

“Another day then love. We’re short on time anyway.” I heard his pants fall to the floor as he removed them from his ankles before hearing him quickly remove his shirt. I felt the bed shift behind me moments later as he got up on his knees aligning himself before slowly slipping into my sex. I couldn’t help but let out a moan, I tried to stay quiet even though the door was closed all I could think about was John or Ms. Hudson walking into the flat and hearing us. That didn’t seem to please Sherlock though as he pulled on my hands making me move up more. “Am I not doing a good job?” He growled quietly as I felt his hand move down to dig his fingertips into my waist.

“Y-you… You are Sherlock.” I moaned, struggling to speak as he suddenly picked up the pace.

“Then why doesn’t it sound like it, Princess?” He growled as he rammed his full length inside of me. My thoughts of Mrs. Hudson and John became non-existent then as I cried out. Sherlock groaned and kept his thrusts at an even pace as he drove deep each time. He moaned delivering a small smack to my butt. “Good Girl.” He moaned as he picked up the pace once again. The headboard began to hit against the wall, as my moans began to grow louder as all of my previous inhibitions disappeared.

“Sherlock.” I gasped as my body started to shake.

“No. No. No. None of that. Not till I say you can.” He growled as he gripped my hips tighter.

I tried my hardest to hold it but the knot in my stomach was slowly growing as I teetered on the edge. “Sherlock I can’t hold it anymore, please...”

“Go ahead, Princess.” He gently whispered into the open air. I moaned tightening around his length. He moaned as I loudly cried out sending him over the edge as well.

He gently slid out of me before leaning down to kiss my shoulders as he undid the ropes around my wrists. He smirked against my shoulders as he dropped the rope to the ground. When we both climbed under the covers, I examined the slight red marks on my wrists.

“It’ll be fun explaining these to John.” I giggled before moving in closer to Sherlock, kissing him deeply.

John’s P.O.V

I got home from the grocery store and walked into the flat sighing when I didn’t see Sherlock in the livingroom. I slowly walked to the kitchen setting down the things on the counter before walking to Sherlock’s room opening the door like I did all the time.

“Sherlock I’m-” I stopped seeing Sherlock and Kassie in bed with only a sheet covering their lower halves. Luckily for me Kassie was so tightly wrapped in Sherlock’s arms that he his her chest. I turned on my heels quickly shutting the door back only to hear Kassandra’s giggle from behind it. I ran down the stairs immediately to find Mrs. Hudson. “Ms. Hudson!!! Do you know what I just walked into!”

She looked at me then with a small smile “Yes, dear. At least you didn’t walk in on it actively happening. You also didn’t have to hear it unlike some of us… There were headboards banging against walls and she is most certainly a screamer. I was rather shocked by the whole event.”

I heard movement upstairs and gave her a small smile sympathetic smile “Well I guess I should be getting back.” She nodded and stood as I walked back up the stairs.

Kassie was sitting on the couch with her legs outstretched reading a book and Sherlock was in his chair with his fingers steepled under his chin. She looked up at me when I entered but just went back to her book. As if I hadn’t just seen the two of them naked in bed.

Ms. Hudson walked up the stairs “I figured you two would need some tea. Helps with the aches, if you know what I mean dearie.” She set the tea on the table and poured a cup. She held it out and Kassie did not hesitate to reach out and take it.

“Thank you Ms. Hudson and I’m sorry if you heard any of that. Sherlock and his experiments you know.” Sherlock looked up at her then, she smirked at him over the brim of her cup before he laughed lightly. She then began to slowly sip the tea reverting her attention back to her book.

[longevitytechnologies-blog]

Google Duplex beat the Turing test: Are we doomed?

Alan Turing helped pioneer the idea of programmable computers and built one of the first general purpose computing machines, the Bombe, which decrypted the Nazi's Enigma code and saved thousands of lives. Turing's contributions to the war effort, and to computer science as a discipline, are astonishing. As Albert Einstein was to math and physics, Alan Turing was to computer science. But in the 1950s, the British government considered Turing a criminal. The irony and injustice of this is mind boggling, not just because he probably saved more British lives in World War II than any other Briton, but because his only so-called crime was that he was gay. For this, which at the time the British government called "gross indecency," he was given the choice of imprisonment or chemical castration. He killed himself in 1954, at the age of 41. It is impossible to overstate how much the loss of Alan Turing cost the world. Two years before his death, Turing was thinking about the relationship between human and computer intelligence. Today, that concept is part of everyday life, as AI permeates everything from GPS to video games to the behavior of apps on our phones. Back then, the idea that a device the size of a house designed to break codes could, someday, imitate human intelligence was about as far thinking as you could get. Turing not only understood and pioneered the idea of AI, but created some metrics by which we could judge whether we'd actually gotten to the point where AI was intelligent. THE TURING TEST Modern AI scientists have called what became known as the Turing test somewhat simplistic, because computer intelligence can be seen in a wide variety of actions beyond the imitation of human conversation. Even so, Turing's test has gone essentially unsolved since 1952. The test is simple. In Volume LIX, Number 236 (October 1950) of Oxford University's MIND, a Quarterly Review of Psychology and Philosophy, Turing published a paper, Computing Machinery and Intelligence. While there were many important concepts in this document, one concept he put forth was what he called an "imitation game." There's a 2014 movie by that name, starring Sherlock's Benedict Cumberbatch. It's about Turing, and it's worth watching. The idea of the imitation game was that both a human and a computer would be communicated with by a second human, the "interrogator." The interrogator would send, essentially, text messages to the human and to the computer and get replies. If the interrogator could not tell which of the two respondents was the human and which was the computer, the computer was said to have passed the Turing test, where a computer could so fully imitate a human that a human couldn't tell the difference. Most AI researchers will tell you that the Turing test is interesting, but it's not the point of AI. We don't need AI to imitate a human. We need AI to help us accomplish real tasks in the world. Even so, the Turing test has been "out there," toyed with by developers for years. One limited example of Turing test compliance was the old computer game ELIZA. ELIZA goes back to 1966 and the MIT AI Lab. She was limited, and just a moment or two of discussion would break the spell, but you can see early signs of Alexa in the interactions.

A short ELIZA conversation   AI, of course, has improved tremendously over the years, with AI-based conversations often the foundation of customer support phone trees, automated assistants, and other customer management tools. Still, even though modern AI systems have gotten more helpful, no one confuses them with real humans. But that may be about to change. GOOGLE DUPLEX At Google I/O last week, Google demonstrated something it calls Google Duplex. As demonstrated, Duplex is a tool for making telephone appointments. The idea is that you tell your Android device that you want to set up an appointment for a time or set of times, and then Duplex, running from the Google cloud, dials the phone and conducts a voice conversation with the person on the other end. What sets Duplex apart is how realistic it is. The conversation has the pauses, breaks, and minor exclamations that are the hallmark of informal human interaction. Duplex doesn't sound like a computer. Duplex sounds like a real person making a phone call for an appointment. Let me make this clear: there is no uncanny valley in the demonstrated Duplex conversation. You can't tell that the machine making the call is a machine making the call. It passes the Turing test, not only for text, but for an actual voice conversation. Alphabet chairman John Hennessy acknowledged this at an I/O talk. Before you dismiss this as hype from a guy in a suit, you need to know who Hennessy is, beyond just the chairman of Google's parent company. Hennessy was part of the Stanford team that pioneered RISC (Reduced Instruction Set Computing) processors, the processor technology inside nearly all smartphones. He was chair of Stanford's computer science department, dean of the school of engineering, and eventually became Stanford's president. He holds the IEEE Medal of Honor, the Queen Elizabeth Prize for Engineering (how ironic is that?), and was given a khata by the His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama. Just this year, he was given the ACM's prestigious Turing Award for innovation. In other words, if someone is going to declare the Turing test passed, John Hennessy is credibility incarnate. THE PROMISE OF DUPLEX AND AI So far, Google isn't promising Duplex as anything other than a disembodied appointment-making robotic friend. But it's obvious that this accomplishment has legs. The potential for human-sounding interaction has many positive benefits (don't worry, we'll get to the bad stuff in a bit). Take, for example, the idea of self-driving cars. I've been thinking a lot about these. In the last years of my parents' lives, there was a time where all they really needed was help being driven around. They were still lucid and mobile, but they couldn't safely drive. A self-driving car, accompanied by a voice (ala KITT in Knight Rider), could reduce the tech discomfort and help them make their way about town. Automated assistants might actually be able to assist. IBM's Watson has made astonishing inroads in its ability to integrate institutional knowledge and bring that knowledge to humans, assisting and recommending solutions for problems ranging from cooking recipes to supply chain, and even medical diagnosis. We can certainly envision a day where uncanny-valley-free conversations can be had with systems containing deep institutional knowledge, and where actual problems can be solved, freeing up humans to do more important work (or, at least, freeing up us hapless consumers from the unending purgatory of hold music). WHERE IT COULD ALL GO SO TERRIBLY WRONG What goes up, must come down. Where there's a will, there's a way. Where there's promise in a new technology, there's also a terrifying dark side. Simulated human conversation, freed from the warning of the uncanny valley, can have dire consequences. Let's start with a simple, Googlish example. How many of you get robocalls from so-called Google specialists? I know many of you do, because when I wrote about it, I got tons of responses on Twitter and Facebook. TL;DR: Most of the time, it's a scam. We know it's a scam, because the conversation inevitably breaks down as soon as the recorded demon dialer starts "talking". But what if the robot behind robocallers was not identifiable as a fake human? What if that call sounded and acted like it was from an actual person? How much scamming could be done if scammers could combine AI, a corpus of psychological manipulation knowledge, human-sounding callers, and the ability to scale? It boggles. Or what about all those support jobs? Right now, we in America sometimes complain when we have to talk to someone with an accent in another country. Sometimes, the complaint is about the difficulty in understanding someone with an accent. Sometimes the complaint is about the loss of American jobs. No matter what, that person with an accent in another country is still a human with a job, earning money for his or her family. But what if all those jobs, and all the jobs in emergency dispatch, telesales, and in almost anything else that requires phone skills, can be taken over by an AI network? How many jobs will be lost because of Duplex? When will Duplex start talking to Duplex? What happens when a human-sounding appointment caller reaches a human-sounding appointment maker? Will there be two computers sharing "ums" and "uhs," or will an API trigger, sending XML messages back and forth instead? What about at election time? What happens if a Duplex-like system is able to impersonate a candidate? How many citizens will think they've gotten an actual call, and had an actual conversation, with a candidate, when it's merely just another SaaS service purchased with a credit card? What about impersonation? If Duplex-like technology gets good enough, will it be possible for your phone to impersonate you? Then what happens if someone gets their hands on your phone? Will your family members think it was you calling them in a panic to lure them from the house? The darker implications of this sort of technology go on and on. Like much of the tech we've created before, there are advantages and disadvantages. But as AI gets smarter and smarter, and now, more convincing, will we need to "do something" to rein it in before we reach Terminator phase? CAN WE BOTTLE THIS GENIE? One thing we can expect is some sort of legislation requiring human-like calls to identify themselves as such. Unfortunately, in a world where calls can be made across borders with ease, legislation in one country is unlikely to protect us against attacks from other countries. Malware is illegal, and yet it's constant. Back in Turing's day, science fiction writer Isaac Asimov promoted a positive future of robots, controlling the AIs with what he called the "Three Laws of Robotics": A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. Even before Blade Runner, Asimov postulated human replicant machines. In 1953's The Caves of Steel (and its sequel, The Naked Sun), Asimov introduced readers to R. Daneel Olivaw, a human replicant detective (who was also a good guy). If you ever get time, read these two books. Human replicants aren't the only future-looking things Asimov presented. He also talked about a time when people would have video conversation studios in their homes. On Friday, I'm using such a studio, in my home, to talk to three other ZDNet columnists about the future of 5G and other communications technology. Look for that to go online in a week or so. (If you want to see how one of these looks, check out our Peak Smartphone discussion from last month.)   My point, in all of this, is that technology is fluid. Nearly every innovation has a light side and a dark side. Duplex is fascinating and scary in its implications, all at the same time. What worries me is not that we might have this technology, for I'm reasonably convinced that as we get to the Caves of Steellevel, some companies will incorporate something like the Three Laws. No, it's not the robots that scare me. It's the humans, those in rogue nation states, those affiliated with organized crime organizations, and even those just a little too focused on accomplishing their goals without regard for their fellow humans. Those folks scare me, because artificial intelligence, in the hands of unscrupulous and evil-minded real intelligence, may well respond to no law. We may not be able to stop it, which means we may be living in a robot-eat-robot-eat-human world. That'll help you sleep tonight, I'm sure. One final thought for you: evil does not always come in a package with clear labeling. The UK's regressive treatment of Alan Turing was not only unfair and horrible, as well as incredibly short-sighted and stupid, it was evil. And yet, it was all done in the name of Queen and country. We need to be aware that we may deploy these AI systems for what we (or our leaders at the time) think are the best of reasons. And it may all go horribly wrong.   via Google Duplex beat the Turing test: Are we doomed? | ZDNet Read the full article

[doctorwhonews]

The Churchill Years - Volume Two (Big Finish)

Latest Review: Cast Ian McNeice (Winston Churchill), Neve McIntosh (Madame Vastra), Iain Batchelor(Young Winston), Melody Grove (Carmen / Housekeeper), Owen Aaronovitch (Luis Ortega), Leighton Pugh (Reggie / Jorge / Clerk), Gyuri Sarossy (Lt Fleming), Bethan Walker (Bragnar), James Joyce (Connolly), Ken Bradshaw (Colonel Fischer), Emily Woodward (Louisa), Hywel Morgan (Von Moltke), Roberta Taylor (Maid), Mark Elstob (John Logie Baird / Kaiser Wilhem III), Nicholas Asbury (Visguard / Captain Morgan / Special Branch Officer), Alisdair Simpson (Sidney Wheeler / Field Marshal Brooke), Susan Tracy (Diane Wheeler / Miss Cunningham), Simon Chandler (Corporal Arthur Dimes). Other parts played by members of the cast.   Producer David Richardson, Script Editor Matt Fitton Executive Producers Jason Haigh-Ellery and Nicholas Briggs Directed By: Ken Bentley   Buy The Churchill Years - Volume Two from Amazon now.  Young Winston by Paul Morris London, 1899. After spending time in warzones abroad, Winston Churchill considers a Parliamentary career. But a memento from his visit to Cuba, four years earlier, returns to haunt him. Across the city, the Great Detective has a mysterious caller, all the way from Havana. As ruthless mercenaries wield alien powers, young Winston and Madame Vastra learn they have a mutual friend - an eccentric young man, sporting a bowtie… We join Winston at the tender age of 21, in Cuba where he has his first brush with death. The main drive of the story centres around a seemingly innocuous cigar cutter , that has a pearl embedded in the handle. It was passed to Churchill during his visit to Cuba – but as the story unfolds, it seems that a lot of rather dodgy characters are looking to get their hands on the cigar cutter. Madam Vastra gets caught up in the proceedings (there is a wonderful nod to those other famous London sleuths of the era, Sherlock Holmes and Jago and Litefoot), and before we know it the eleventh Doctor is also onboard, both on a mission to save our future Prime Minister. This story has  three narrators – Old Winston (Ian McNeice), Young Winston (Iain Batchelor) and Madame Vastra (Neve McIntosh). I believe that it is because of this, that the story comes across as nicely dynamic. Iain Batchelor compliments Ian McNeice’s older Churchill perfectly, and Neve McIntosh confidently takes over the story telling from Vastra and the Doctor’s point of view. Young Winston is a very enjoyable romp that is both fast paced and very lively. Although there is plenty of gravity to proceedings, there is also a fair amount of humour (the idea of young Churchill clumsily flirting is quite an amusing one). All of the cast are brilliant, enough so to make me wonder if Big Finish might be planning a Young Winston series for some point in the future. Although, from the closing moments of this story, I’d say that a Big Finish Vastra/ Paternoster spin off is an absolute dead cert.   Human Conflict by Iain McLaughlin 1941. The Prime Minister has much on his mind as London reels from the Blitz. When a daring mission to discover Nazi secrets bears unexpected results, Churchill heads north to retrieve technology that could win the war. But an old ally is set against his intent. Weary from his own people’s conflict, the Doctor knows that some weapons should never enter the field of human conflict. Upon discovering that the German’s are on the brink of developing a weapon that can make a mountain disappear, our Prime Minister despatches a team of specialists to Denmark to investigate. There they discover an unassuming woman who might be a lot more than she seems. As the story unfolds an alien arms deal is uncovered, who is keen to escalate the war into something far more deadly. All the while, Winston has to put up with a disapproving ninth Doctor, who of course, seems to know exactly whats going on. Human Conflict is a great morality tale that explains that sometimes just because we can do something – it doesn’t mean that we should. The cast are all great, with a special mention to Bethan Walker, who plays the arms dealer who has absolutely no morals. My only gripes regarding this story are Ian McNeice's take on the ninth Doctor, his northern accent isn’t quite right. Also that i found the appearance of the Doctor quite frustrating as he rather annoyingly kept flitting in and out of proceedings.   I Was Churchill's Double by Alan Barnes Alexandra Palace, 1942. Strange television signals show a paranoid Churchill urging on the resistance in German-occupied Britain. A man in a battered leather jacket makes a guest appearance. The broadcasts come from another world, one where the country is now part of the Kaiser’s Empire. Of course, the Doctor is involved, and while Churchill claims to understand the notion of ‘alternative histories’, he never expected to be part of one. So, Winston Churchill gets to grips with other dimensions….of which he does a very good job. Suddenly zapped into another dimension by an alien mirror he finds himself in the company of the ninth Doctor and Louisa (played by Emily Woodward). In this new world the Germans won the Great War, Winston, the Doctor and Louise are fugitives, trying to avoid the might of the Kaiser’s Empire, whilst trying to get to the TARDIS. I was Churchill's Double has some lovely nods to the history of Doctor Who in this story. The use of ‘howl-around’ as a hypnotic tool is a great one. Roberta Tovey (Susan from the Dr Who films of the 1960s) playing the sinister maid is another. The story is in some ways quite reminiscent of The Idiot’s Lantern, especially as at one point  we find the villain of the piece staring out of a television, also that a large portion of the action takes place in Alexandri Palace. There is also the mention of the Time War.  The story though is a bit of a mess, and the characterisation of the ninth Doctor is, at times too…..slapstick. It’s all still enjoyable, although it could just have done with being just a bit tidier.   Churchill Victorious by Robert Khan & Tom Salinsky VE Day, 1945. The war is over. The PM has seen the crowds and made his speech. Now he wishes to soak up the atmosphere, moving incognito among his fellow countrymen. But an alien interloper lurks in a backstreet tavern, and ‘William Churchyard’ must lead a few plucky Londoners into one more fight. The Doctor is in trouble, and at the time of his greatest victory, Churchill also faces his greatest danger... Winston Churchill is going incognito. On V.E. Day. In central London. His idea of a disguise being a dodgy hat and a ropey fake moustache. Of course it will work! The war is over and finding himself at a loose end, Winston becomes determined to investigate some strange power cuts that are blighting the capital. Passing a police box (Could it be? No…..), he meets some locals, and together they stumble upon an intergalactic bounty hunter, who is holding someone prisoner in a very high tech cage – I wonder who that prisoner could be? The very image of Churchill trying to pass himself off as a member of the public is a fantastic idea, and of course it is something that he fails at miserably. Which makes Churchill Victorious a perfectly fantastic romp to close this box set, and is easily the most enjoyable story of this quartet. Robert Khan and Tom Salinsky have great fun with pushing the boundaries of the main character. Giving a knowing wink to the audience when it is discovered that he knows a little more about all things alien than he probably should. The banter between Churchill and Visguard (the bounty hunter, here voiced with megalomaniacal skills by Nicholas Asbury)is fantastically written and played. The guest Doctor here is the tenth, and thankfully both the writers and McNiece capture his essence perfectly.   Having really enjoyed Volume One of the Churchill Years, I was concerned that this new set wouldn't quite come up to scratch - but fear not, they are every bit as enjoyable and expands the character of Winston Churchill even further. http://reviews.doctorwhonews.net/2018/02/the_churchill_years_volume_two_big_finish.html?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr