#brain please I am trying to eat bc I'm hungry

[postapocalyptic-cryptic]

the worst thing about binge eating disorder is that eating a normal amount triggers the urge to binge. do you understand how hard this makes recovery??? do you????? do you know how often you have to eat?? it’s fucking often!!!!! it’s like trying to sober up sitting at a bar. and you know what’s the real kicker? if you stop eating, that’s just a DIFFERENT FUCKING DISORDER!!!!!

[imnotreal-png]

>:) -- Entry 1

OK i just smoked a joint after i wrote the date and now im kinda chillin but imma still yap on dis hoe.

I am a loser. Like a huge loser, okay? Like im not dumb or wtv, i may have reached a weird and insane level of self awareness, but im just as much of a loser as anyone else.

I keep catching myself trying to people please and overstepping my boundaries and justifying it with "oh everyone else does it, so what, its normal" like ok dumb bitch that doesn't make it okay, get a grip.

But i will be yapping away abt alot of stupid bullshit i deal with and stupid things make me sad. I am very well aware that I am irrational, but these are things i feel in those moments that i always hold in because i don't want people 2 see that weak side of me. It's embarrassing and it's not me.

In truth, i have nooo idea what i'm doing. I have 0 clue on where i'll be in the future. I didn't think i'd make it this far and not on some suicidal shit (idk if u can say that word here, oops.), i just genuinely thought that i'd somehow perish?? Like i wasn't really real in some weird way. I just didn't exist. Even though i was always the center of drama or the cause of all things chaotic, i was always misunderstood. god that's so fucking cringe but hear me out.

I always said shit that i believed was clear enough to be understood and yet it wasn't. Even my tone apparently has been rude this entire time. But no one would actually tell me how i come off, they just ate it up in silence and then spaz on me. Even now i don't really understand because i truly believe i am very clear on what im saying. Yet it's still...not seen the way im trying to show it? Idk if im making any sense bruh but whatever. Maybe im narcissistic but no one understands my brain the way i attempt to express it...or i guess how i see it. Idk i guess im just frustrated that no one understands me or gets my brain.

Also it's super cringe when people tell me im mature for my age. Literally eat my shit. actual ick. get away from me.

I hate my mom. She hates me too but she hates me bc I'm not the pussy she wishes she was when she was my age. She's the most childish person i know. I genuinely do not care what she thinks of me whatsoever. She's just power hungry and immature. Actually, I don't even hate her, i just hate that she gets to have all this power over me. I just want my freedom, thats it. She can hate my lifestyle or whatever the fuck, as long as im not living with her. At the end of the day, im truly content with who i am as a person and my moral compass etc, she cant affect that. I just need to have my own space and leave her household to finally be free and actually experience life in a comfortable and more peaceful way. I guess that's all i can say rn. I just wish she would respect my boundaries and stop treating me like im her competition and she'll always be superior. She won't and i cannot wait for the day she finally see's that lol.

!! super irrational moment alert !!

LMAO this is super cringe but like when i started music i put "listen 2 my moozik" in my bio bc we say muzik in albanian but americans wud have 2 read it as moozik to get it right + its funny? Ever since i started rlly getting exposure and performing out there, all these NON SLAVS/BALKANS have started putting it in their bio's 🙄 like be fr, its sooo obvious (at least to me). And now some of these mfs i've interacted w startes stealing my lingo and the way i type [this isn't how i type when i txt friends. its worse and i shorten everything in a miserable way cuz its funny] and it's cute at first but now mfs on social media posting the way i do and talking the way i do. [insert side eye bc yeah] and it's kinda cringe cuz they're actually rlly shallow and mainstream people, they just look like they trying 2 hard to be quirky. lol.

im probably tweakin tho idk.

i wish i grew up with art. i wish my parents had that and were able to introduce it to me. I feel like a fraud when i try to be creative and do things. Even with making music. As much as i enjoy it and love it and it really does make me happy, it feels fake. I can't play any instruments, i can't sing, im far from a good writer, fuck if know anything abt music theory...i literally just click buttons and make sounds on my computer lol. I didn't grow up indulging in art and creativity, i was actually always super bad at it. I wish i had a deeper connection with it. I wish i understood it better. I wish i expressed it better. I wish my ideas were my own. I want to be able to create something that is truly mine without feeling like im a fake.

UHHHH so imma just come on here and vent whenever i feel like i have something i need 2 say. This is intended for the void, if u come across it...cringe.

[dopamine-department]

i feel like people don't realize the financial burden of ADHD.

Depending on how your symptoms manifest, you can be bored enough that you need constant new stimulation; games, puzzles, hobby supplies. And yes, that does count as a necessity, bc if you have a brain like this, it is physically painful and unbearable to be bored. Speaking of pain, nerves being tight fisted with the dopamine means more pain signals get thru, so pain relief, comfortable clothing, etc so that we can ignore what everyone else's body auto mutes. Not to mention the stimulant prescriptions and/or extra caffeine to keep the machine able to understand what anyone's saying or safely drive. And food: easy, safe food (safe meaning you can reliably eat it without becoming disgusted) is often pre-prepared, and that's more expensive than cooking from scratch, which isn't possible for some of us. Like I tried, believe me, and do you know what happens if I don't have readily available food? I don't eat. I go to bed for dinner. I cannot make my brain work, especially when already hungry.

"Just plan better" you should see how much I have to think about what I'm doing at any given point, because I am time blind and have to give myself several hours or an entire evening to be able to do anything relevant (vacuum, laundry). And the nature of the neurological disorder (can we start calling it that please, that's what it is) means that you're telling someone with the "difficult to plan and carry out tasks disorder" to be even better at planning and carrying out tasks. Good job, you really just went and said something similar to "you should try working out to get stronger so you'll be able to walk" to someone with chronic muscle weakness. Disclaimer, not a perfect metaphor, but for people who don't know: that's what you're doing.

And the cost of therapy, of organizational coaches, of cleaning help if you need it. It adds up.

I'm just trying to live my life but it takes so much extra care and effort and resources. I want that recognized.

[katierosefun]

love when the brain isn’t braining because i’ll be like “i want to watch a movie today!” and i just can’t process the movie or i get bored of it in like 2 seconds and then i’ll go “okay maybe i want to watch an episode of a kdrama” and then i’ll find myself fast-forwarding through all the slower scenes and then i’ll go “okay since that didn’t work, i should write something” but i just stare at my screen and listen to i bet on losing dogs by mitski for like an hour and my brain’s still yelling I WANT TO DO SOMETHING but it WON’T DECIDE ON WHAT IT WANTS

[dimpledlavendeer]

I think I'm running out of ideas 🥲

This is again long and suggestive 😩

I love Hee sm 🖤

Heeseung when he has a night off and wants to spend it with you

He had an hectic schedule so it's been a while since you two saw each other

He was available that night and he asked you to spend the night with him since he was off work early

You missed him sm so ofc you accepted his offer

He looked so tired but was saying he was fine

Correction Hee looked tired and gorgeous

I mean you didn't even know what the reason was but Hee just looked so hot to your eyes rn

"Damn it y/n it's not the time for it, He is tired" you thought

But when Hee said he was gonna take a shower your struggle got worse :')

Now Hee was sitting next to you with his long wet hair eating ramyeon while he was the snack to your eyes LMAO

You were supposed to eat with him but you couldn't bc you were so busy eating him with your eyes

Hee was tired but not stupid especially when it comes to well yk ;)

So he realized you weren't eating instead you were just staring

"Are you not hungry baby?"

"Huh? Oh I... uhm I am hun- hungry.."

You were stuttering and you hated how small you sound while answering a simple question just because of the way he looked

On the other hand he was quite amused so he tried to talk with you more

"Then why don't you eat?" He said licking his lips

Ofc your gaze shifted to his lips and stayed there "I...uhm I am ea- eating"

He got closer to you and looked at you eyes staring into your soul

"Really? Your plate is still full tho..." He pushed a strand of your hair behind your ear "and it looks like there's something occupying your mind rn wanna share what it is baby?"

Crap you thought, he caught you

"No no I'm fine really" you managed to say and grabbed your chopsticks to eat

He hold your chin very gently and made you look at him

"You didn't miss me y/n?"

"I did"

"Then why don't you just do what you're thinking about right now?"

"D-do w-what I'm thinking about?"

Hee came close only to peck your lips and pulled off

His stare was on you Cleary expecting a move while he was biting on his lower lip in anticipation

He honestly was so handsome, his long hair complementing his beautiful cheekbones and his lips were just so pink and pretty

So you did what hee wanted being even more daring

You get up from your chair and sit on his lap, making him smile in satisfaction

Pecked his lips like he did to yours and without even giving him a chance for a deeper kiss you just tilted his head

You started to kiss his jawline and then his earlobe

"I missed you so much Heeseung" you whispered while you were still kissing his bare neck

"You did?" He said slightly pinching your thighs

"How can I make it up to you for being so busy and not being able to spend more time with you baby?" He asked in a low voice with a meaning behind it

You knew where this was going but you just wanted to let him play with you like this because you missed him and it has been a while since you touched him like this

"You can kiss me to make me forget how lonely I was" you said in a whispering tone, still kissing his neck

His grip tightened and he hold your hair to make you look at him before saying "as you wish baby"

He just licked your lips and moved on with your jawline and neck getting revenge for what you did to him

He was smelling like vanilla and adding his tongue on your neck, you were about to EXPLODE because of the sexual tension in the room

When Hee finally lifted up his head to look at you already melting under his touch, he didn't hesitate to kiss you

His lips were so soft unlike the way he is kissing you, his tongue invading your mouth, his teeth biting on your lower lip

You let out a whine when he pulled of to say "Is this the way I can make you forgive me baby?"

YES it was but you needed more ;)

"You need to try harder than that" you said with a smirk

You knew how competitive your boyfriend was and you loved it about him

With what you said he smashed his lips onto yours while lifting you up and making you sit on the dinner table

He was in between your legs and he squeezed your thighs before pulling you even closer

One of his hands were behind your back to support you and the other hand was drawing circles on your thigh

It was obvious how much Hee missed you and wanted more although he was trying hard to stay in control

He laid you down on the table

"Stay still" He said with a low voice

When he get down in between your tighs you were about to scream and out of reflex you tried to close your legs

He hold your thighs to let them stay spread open and raised his head to talk to you

"Relax baby, I won't do anything you don't want me to remember?" He said with a reassuring voice

He was kissing your inner thighs using his freaking tongue to tease you more with the wetness he left everywhere his lips touched

His hands were drawing small circles on your outer thighs but nothing was able to calm you down

HE WAS DOWN THERE AND YOU JUST WERE SO NERVOUS

"Heeseung.."

"Mmh?"

You were shaking bc of how nervous you are and he realized that

"Let me calm you down please y/n" he said looking at you with his doe eyes

"Just trust me, I won't go too far I promise" he said eyes literally begging

You pushed his head back to its older position, between your thighs

He carried on from where he left off, moving upper on your thigh and his little kisses and bites got more harsher during the process

You just let out a small moan when he bite on your thigh, sucking the flesh and then leaving wet kisses

Your brain wasn't working at the moment because of him and he lift his head up with a satisfied smile on his face

He lifted you up on the table carrying you to his bedroom

He slowly put you on the sheets and gave you a small kiss on the lips

You pulled him onto the bed kissing him harshly unlike him and that made him smile into the kiss

You dig your nails into his back under his shirt slightly and that made him bite your lower lip

He pulled of and hold your hands on top of your head without letting you move

"Stop teasing me y/n"

"Thank God I'm tired and I can't do more to you Hee"

"Is that a promise baby?"

"Promise?"

"Will you tease me better next time?" Hee said leaving a wet kiss your lips

It made you lift your hips unconsciously, which made him moan

"I swear to God y/n-"

"Yes Heeseung i will tease you better next time" you said, now you were the one who was smirking

You both were tired so you knew he was going easy on you, he released your hands and kissed you softly this time while getting off of you

"You better keep your promise next time y/n"

"You want me that bad huh Heeseung?"

He got closer after your words and you started giggling

"Give me one reason to stop rn, y/n" he said while kissing you

"What if I don't?"

He lifted you from the sheets and made you sit on his lap while you're still on the bed

His hands were ready to lift your shirt up until you stopped him and hugged him tightly

"I love you so much Heeseung, I missed you a lot" you said with a soft voice

A big smile formed on his face and you could feel it while his face was buried on your neck

He let you fall next to him on the bed

"You have no idea how much I missed you y/n"

His gazed was locked on you and it didn't take him long to see how tired you were

He gave you a big "MWAH" on the cheeks "Good night baby, I love you and I'm sorry"

"Don't be sorry, I love you too, good night Heeseung"

Thank you for reading and sorry if I made any mistakes with wording, I speak English but it's not my native tongue, I hope you liked it ^^

[ushiwakaout]

I love your ehat the haikyuu boys would say! Could I please please please request that for Akaashi or Sugawara? You write them so well, I'm literally in love!

I’ll be making two separate ones! I keep thinking that i’m done w this series but y’all keep wanting more 😤  (not that i’m complaining or anything because it keeps me busy)

and thank you 😭 i’m trying really hard to depict the characters well but i feel like i’m just repeating every single one.

Let’s do Suga first (Slight age difference, Suga 27/You 24 || ya’ll have been dating for two years)

“Hey bug- it’s time to get up.” (6:00 am)

*If you don’t wake up he will pull the blankets off you... naked or not*

“Rise and shine bug!!!” very chaotic... very mean.

“What do you mean you don’t wanna get up... To bad, breakfast is getting cold.”

“I woke you up early because I wanted a head start on our day off, thats why.”

“Coffee or tea?”

“I love you too bug.” 

*forehead kiss*

*will open every single curtain so sunlight can rain into your place... also does it because he loves seeing your skin glow under the sunlight*

“What do you want to do on our day off?”

*he’s a elementary teacher and you’re a college student*

“I was thinking we could maybe....” 

*pulls you into a kiss mid sentence, wrapping his fingers with yours*

“...spend the day at the park, have a picnic like our first date... What do you think?”

*your putty in his hands when he does this every morning. there isn’t a morning that he doesn’t do it*

“What’s on your mind bug?” (6:30 am)

*flash back to last night when he was giving you aftercare, hovering over you lightly as he strokes your face and he says those exact words*

*you tell him and he his brain STOPS WORKING... he’s like Oh? he’s blushing so hard it so cute*

“BUG YOU CAN’T SAY THOSE THINGS TO ME SO EARLY IN THE MORNING”

“WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME?!”

“YOU’RE SO SWEET” *cups your cheeks and kisses your face all around* “What did I do to deserve you?”

“Come on lets sit down and eat breakfast”

*he honestly has a tendancy of asking random questions like*

“Where do ducks come from?”

“Do you think Hinata is having fun in brazil?”

“You think he packed enough sun screen?”

“Should I ask him?”

“I think I’ll call him.” (7:00 am)

*he legit be on the phone with him for hours on end until your ready*

*he walks around the house, sits on the couch, gets up from the couch, makes the bed, watches you in the shower for a bit before smiling and whistling away to the patio*

“You ready yet?”(9:10 am)

“Let’s go then... What do you wanna get first?”

“I kinda want some boba tea...”

“You think they have any discounts since we’re a couple?”

“What? It’s just an extra bonus with being with you.”

“You cannot tell me that you don’t enjoy couples discounts.”

“I am not an old lady! I just like saving my money.”

“Shush woman, hold my head and order me something you think i might like.”

You: “You always get the same thing Koushi.”

“Exactly.” (10:00 am)

*he def pats your butt every time he makes you order something for him*

*one of his students has def seen him do it in public but they’ve never said anything*

*sometimes a student runs up to him and hugs him. makes you want to have kids*

*he introduces you to his kid and you just look at him with awe*

“What’s on your mind, bug?”

*he 100% did that on purpose, and now you’re blushing madly*

“What?” 

*you hit his arm and quickly walk away from him, he’s jogging to catch up and when he does, he quickly holds you hand again*

“What do you want for lunch?” (12:00 pm)

“I think you know what I want.”

“It’s the only thing I eat, what are you expecting?”

you: “I don’t know how you haven’t burned a hole in your stomach yet.”

“Just because i order my mapo tofu super spicy doesn’t mean... it’s super spicy.”

you: “Kouchi... I can barely eat a bite before crying...”

“It’s not spicy.”

“You’re just a baby.” 

*kissing the back of your hand*

*non stop teasing bc you can’t handle spicy food the way he can*

*you guys stop at a shop because both of you forgot to bring a damn basket for the fucking picnic*

“How did we forget a basket? How many baskets do we have now because we’ve forgotten ours?” (12:30)

“I like this one... Do you like this one? I think it matches my hair.”

“This one matches your eyes.... This one- Nope, were getting this one.”

“Okay! Now, lunch!”

“I’ll go get you your food and you get mine, yeah?”

*he pulls you into a soft kiss and just smiles at you*

*HES SO IN LOVE WITH YOU EVERYONE AROUND CAN NOTICE*

*when you come back with his favorite food and a little extra, he get’s excited*

“You brought me sweets?! I brought you some too! Wha’cha get?” (1:30 pm)

*When you pick a spot to sit down, he just wants to kiss you all over. hes the sweetest man you’ll ever meet*

*It’s probably three hours into the picnic and his man FALLS ASLEEP ON YOU. He’s so tired from taking care of young children that just listening to you talk to him so softly and so easily when he was on your lap- it drifted him off to sleep*

you: “Koushi... bub? Wake up... I’m getting hungry again.” (6:30 pm)

*he has the sweetest giggle when he hears your voice*

“Have I told you- HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?!”

*so much energy when he wakes up- its crazy.*

you: “Kou- you need to be more quiet.”

“No... I LOVE YOU- I LOVE you so so much.”

*starts kissing you everywhere and pins you to the ground*

“I love you so much... and one of these days I am going to make you my wife... and you’ll never know the day.”

*he loves saying stuff like that because it gets in your head all day. little do you know HES LEGIT BEEN CARRYING HIS GRANDMOTHERS OLD RING IN HIS POCKET EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS BECAUSE HE HASN’T FOUND THE RIGHT MOMENT*

“Come on, let’s go find a restaurant of your choosing.”

*doesn’t let go of your hand until you reach the restaurant table, and then grabs your hand over the table*

“Your hand would look so pretty with a ring on it.” (7:30)

you: “stop joking! you’re awful.”

*he just smiles at you and really just says fuck it*

“Who says i’m joking, bug.”

*under the table he’s taking out the ring from the box and then slowly puts it on your ring finger*

you: “kou-”

“I’ve been holding on to this for about... two years now? What do you say?” 

you: “I still think you joking... You’re not, right?”

*he let out a light laugh and shook his head*

“No i’m not...”

*you quickly nod your head and lean over the table to hug him*

“I promise you give you a happy future...”

tags(s): @foggycashdreampainter

[luminous-studiess]

Ummm so I'm new to tumblr so don't judge if I did something wrong.Ummm how can I be like you? Like you know? Productive and smart.I always push myself but ended up being distracted by things (I have adhd and depression).I can't even remember anything after.I suffer,and continue suffering, from my mental illnesses.I just can't keep myself on track.My family makes fun of me for trying.I'm actually trying to find a part time job here but nothing hires minors.Idk please help meee.

hi, friend! answer under the cut because this will be long. 

please know you’re doing nothing wrong, and that the fact you keep trying to become better and to push yourself to always get things done despite difficult circumstances already shows that you ARE already productive and smart. 

second, it also helped me when i was struggling very heavily last year to learn  two things: 1) there will always be particularly bad days when you live with mental illness, but all the little efforts you take, it slowly does get less difficult. getting better does not mean completely getting rid of all the symptoms you experience, but mostly just learning the best ways and small, gentle things you can do for yourself to manage your condition. this really requires a gentle but firm balance between pushing yourself to do the things you absolutely need to do, but also knowing when what level of work/school/self-care or hobbies is the limit, so that you don’t get too overwhelmed.  this means most of the time, you don’t have to worry about being productive for its own sake. it helps me when i feel like i’m drowning to know how little i can do/the most non-negotiable bare minimum, that still helps me not to fall behind.

^ this is a small, cheap pad of sticky notes i carry with me throughout my entire day. it’s only big enough so that i can only write a few school tasks/personal things i need to do/chores, which helps me evaluate what exactly i can only get done, especially on days where i don’t feel well. checking off absolutely everything on my tiny list makes me feel like i’ve accomplished a lot, because i i have-- they aren’t necessarily a lot of tasks, but they’re the ones that i know really do need to get done. it also helps me focus when i have a lot of nervous energy, and have a panicked sense of “so many things need to get done!!!?” because i can give myself a bit of time to sit down, maybe turn on an episode of a show i like or make some coffee, and write down my tasks. it really helps me with the faint, tiny guilt and dread i used to feel day by day that i was being unproductive or lazy, because now i know i’ve fulfilled all my obligations to myself (everything from doing laundry, to making dinner) and to other people (schoolwork and other tasks). it’s okay to move at the pace that’s only possible for you right now. it’s better to feel comfortable with the smallest things you can do, and build on that as the days come. 2) getting distracted is normal, given Everything Happening Right Now, plus with a mental health condition that makes it hard to focus. it can also be hard to remember things when i study, because of my own health conditions, but i’ve found that the following things have helped: regarding distraction - use a small system that keeps you from accessing any distractions when you need to get something done. i try to leave my non-essential device in another room, and set up a timer-based blocker, to limit the websites i access. - i try to acknowledge the distractions as they come, and try to figure out why: am i hungry? am i tired? have i gotten enough sleep? do i need a break? if it isn’t anything serious, i just acknowledge that i’ve gone briefly off-track-- without guilt, without judgment. then i try to turn my mind back to the task at hand. - a good ambient playlist can make me feel more focused during hard tasks in the sense that i have some form of stimulation to keep the “itchiness” at bay. video game soundtracks and film soundtracks are also wonderful for long, tricky tasks.  - sometimes i just have to start to feel motivated-- the focus actually comes in in the middle of the task. the fact of starting something may actually make you feel motivated.

- procrastinate productively: sometimes when i really don’t want to study i turn on a movie or a show and use the time to clean my room or fold laundry. my life still feels put-together, and i enjoyed myself! win-win.

- and sometimes i realize that focus may be impossible at the moment: take a break, go for a run, do something you like, take a nap.  regarding learning and remembering things i used to have the worst time recalling things for school, until i prioritized two things: SLEEP, and not cramming. i used to get extremely poor grades in my first year of law school because i would put off studying at the last and latest moment-- a few days before exams, pulling all-nighters right up until the hour the exam started. i would also just use my free time to scroll on social media, instead of taking a nap or going to bed early. this was absolutely wrong. during the exam, i couldn’t recall anything because i was too tired, too frazzled, probably didn’t have breakfast, and because i had started and finished half a semester of reading in one night. my grades have gotten much better lately-- i’d like to think it’s because i’ve centered it around two things: (a) getting enough sleep every single night (helpful ESPECIALLY if you have health problems-- mental or physical), and (b) making exam day the least stressful it can be. how do i do this? - this means not only learning things for the exam, but also for classes on a daily period. you don’t have to study particularly hard, but you just have to study enough that you can understand what the professor is saying in class. set definite study hours every day, stop at a very specific and reasonable hour, and go to bed. try to get at least 6 hours of sleep. sleep helps me absorb everything better (idk science but this is from experience and also some very smart people i know ALSO prioritize getting sleep). wake up at a reasonable hour.  - how to study: read the syllabus, and try to get a decent overview of all the topics you need to cover before you start testing/making flashcards/doing active recall (which is IMPORTANT bc this helps you actually train your brain to retrieve information). imho as someone low-energy i find that rewriting notes/making reviewers/making flashcards makes me very tired and leaves very little time for actual studying, so it just helps to test myself by looking at the syllabus and trying to explain the concept to myself, then peeking at the textbook or materials to see what i’m missing. mind-maps are also energy-efficient ways of figuring out how concepts fit together. - how to study for exams: the very latest you should start is a week ahead. two weeks ahead is ideal. map out how much information you need to re-learn from the syllabus. move slowly with the aim of finishing the coverage by the first week. the second is for reviewing and RESTING. - THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAM: do a final, gentle survey over the topics you may not understand. stop at 10 pm. go to sleep.  - EXAM DAY: you’ve done the work. take the time to eat breakfast, test yourself SLOWLY AND GENTLY (avoid reading huge chunks of textbook at this point-- youll only confuse yourself), and set up your workspace to take the exam. crush said exam. as a final note: it can be hard to get things done when the people closest to you aren’t supportive. try to reach out on studyblr and find discord study with me servers, or study communities on reddit (they’re actually really nice), or with students in your class. if you need to talk, just dm me. you can do this friend, okay? take care always. gentler days will come. 

[grapehyunshair]

Infidelity pt.3 // JJH

It has been 6 months since you walked out of the house and to say those months have been hard would be an understatement. Trying to forget Jaehyun was harder than you thought it would be, seeing as his face was literally everywhere around you. At first you couldn't bear hanging out with the other boys as well and you had stopped picking up their calls or answering their messages. That was until Mark and Hyuck almost broke down your door one day and demanded to "get your ass up and hang out with them". Ever since that day you have become much closer with those two than you ever were, both of them making sure that they never mentioned Jaehyun's name around you. The older members made sure to check up on you as well. Taeyong and Doyoung regularly swung by and made food for you, Johnny and Taeil took you out on walks, Ten had dance parties with you, while Jungwoo, Sicheng and Yuta took you shopping at least once a week because according to them you needed to up your dating game. That's how you found yourself getting ready for a date one Saturday night with one of Johnny's friends who was visiting from Chicago for a week. You really didn't want to go, claiming that it was pointless since he would be leaving either way, yet Johnny insisted that you at least try seeing what going on a date would be like considering that you hadn't really gone on many dates before dating Jaehyun. So with that thought in mind you hesitantly agreed and now you were regretting everything because you were really, really nervous. You walked to the restaurant you would be meeting Minhyuk (YES IM IMAGINING MINHYUK FROM MONSTA X FITE ME) -Johnny's friend- thinking that some fresh air would make you losen up a little bit and it did; it really did until you reached your destination and saw him waiting for you. You had to admit he was very handsome and you wished in this moment you could get Jaehyun out of your brain and give this guy a proper chance so that's what you tried to do. You approached him with a smile and said a small hi.

This is a happy ending version bc many of u guys asked for it uwuwu I'll write an alternative angsty ending in a while ily guys

"Oh, you must be Y/N. You're even more beautiful than Johnny described." He grinned and gave you a hug, making you blush in return and hug him back. He had a beautiful smile, with one small dimple popping up making him look adorable. "Shall we go in? I hope you're hungry." He said gesturing the door.

"Yeah, I'm actually starving." You laughed. He chuckled and held the door for you, so you could get in. You walked in and both of your jaws dropped in shock. The restaurant, Johnny's pick, was fancier than you had ever been, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, gourmet plates on each table, while the floor was made from marble, gold details decorating every corner. And that would be fine you see, if Johnny had actually told you where you guys would be going but no, he kept it to himself and let you both be completely underdressed for the situation.

"Um, Minhyuk, I don't think we're very fitting for this place." You said, nervously, while glancing at him.

He turned to look at you and said a small, "Hey, wanna get out of here?" to which you smiled and said, "I though you'd never ask."

So this is how you ended up at McDonald's, sitting in a corner booth, eating chicken nuggets and fries, laughing your hearts out at little stories you both shared with each other.

"I can't believe they actually did that." Minhyuk said, choking up from laughter.

"Honestly, it's Johnny and Taeil, what would you expect?" you replied, raising your eyebrow at that, while popping a fry in your mouth.

"You're right, I should know better." He agreed, "Hey I'll go get myself another milkshake so I can dip my fries, want one?"

"Nah, I think I'm full, I should probably stop eating." you said and he laughed getting up and going towards the cashier. Your eyes followed his back and you couldn't help but the small sad smile that creeped up your lips. You were having so much fun, but you know that you couldn't offer him anything other than friendship at this point and you knew he knew as well. You could tell by the way he didn't try anything with you, something you appreciated a lot. You sighed and your mind drifted back to Jaehyun as you wondered what he was doing. You suddenly heard familiar voices making your eyes go wide and your heartbeat increase. One was Johnny's and the other one was no other than Jaehyun's. At first they didn't notice you sitting a few feet away from them, until they reached the cashier and saw Minhyuk waiting on the line. Johnny's eyes went as wide as yours and he quickly scanned the place to see if you were there as well, freezing when he saw you looking at them. Jaehyun alarmed at his friend's reaction, looked at the direction of what made Johnny white as a ghost and mirrored his expression when he saw you sitting there. He looked bad. Really bad. His face looked like he had aged at least five years, black circles decorating his beautiful eyes. His appearance was dissevered, almost as if he hadn't left the house in days. He reminded you of yourself, when you were alone in your house, dealing with your thoughts. Could it be..?

Minhyuk seeing the whole situation, quickly greeted the boys and skipped towards you in attempt to get you out of the place as fast as he could. To be honest, he really liked you and had fun with you, besides knowing that your heart belonged to Jaehyun still. And he was okay with that, he would cherish your friendship a lot if you were willing to give this to him. Johnny had filled him in with the information earlier, so he knew that you being in this situation right now would not be good for you, that's why when he reached you he took your hand, pulled you on your feet, asking you if you were okay softly.

"Can we get out of here please?" You croaked out, voice too weak to be heard.

"Yes, yes of course." He said and took your bag, guiding you out. You hadn't even walked two steps out of the door when you heard your name being called out. You froze and pretended that you hadn't heard anything, while you kept walking.

"He's calling for you." Minhyuk said, trying to keep up with you, a task that was kinda difficult considering it had started snowing while you were inside. That wouldn't stop you though, because your desire to be away from Jaehyun right now was bigger than any difficulty you were facing.

"I know. I just can't face him right now. I'm so sorry for ruining this night." You said apologetically, looking at the ground.

"Hey," he said softly, reaching for your elbow with his hand and stopping you from walking away, "you didn't ruin anything. I think it would be good for you to talk to him though, see what he wants. I know you still love him Y/N, you will always love him." He said, kissing your head and ruffling your hair. This action, gave Jaehyun the time to reach you guys, panting, nose and ears red as a tomato.

"You should talk to her, however if I hear you are causing trouble I won't hesitate to step in." Minhyuk said sternly, giving Jaehyun a threatening pat on the back, while he went to sit on a bench nearby were Johnny was looking at the scene unfold.

"Hi." Jaehyun said, hesitantly, "How have you been?"

"Good. You?" You replied curtly.

"I'm okay, I guess. I don't even know." He said, fiddling with the ring on his fingers. The ring you had gifted him on your one year anniversary.

"Y-you're still wearing that?" You said, in disbelief. To anyone that passed the street, the scene probably looked romantic. A young couple, that tried to shrug off the nerves of the first date probably, but the truth was far worse than that. You could feel yourself breaking the walls that you build once again and you hated that. You hated how he could barge into your life at any point and take your heart by storm.

"Yeah. I am." He said, scratching the back of his neck. "I see you're dating again. I hope he makes you happy." He said, a hint of jealousy lacing his voice.

"Me? Oh no. Minhyuk and I are just friends. He's leaving in a few days either way." You said, shrugging. Jaehyun looked almost relieved at that, leaving you very confused.

"Hey, can we go sit down for a while?" He said pointing at a bench under some cherry blossoms a few feet away. "I need to say something."

"I don't know Jaehyun. There isn't really anything to say." You said, not being completely sure of your feelings at the exact moment.

"Please. 5 minutes. That's all I ask." He said, desperately, his eyes looking for your eyes, in attempt to convince you. And he did, so you sighed and said a soft okay.

You walked to the bench in silence and you took a seat as far away from him as you could. Ah, stupid Y/N that was a bad idea. You could smell his perfume, a smell you missed incredibly much, giving you a weird feeling in the pit of your stomach. You both stayed silent for a while, unable to find words to say to each other until Jaehyun broke the silence.

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I didn't know what I was doing Y/N. Everything was so much at the time. The practices, the hectic schedule, the fact that I almost never saw you. I thought I didn't love you anymore, when in face I never stopped. I just missed you and instead of thinking about it, I acted carelessly." He said and you turned around to face him, not believing what you were being told.

"You missed me? You still loved me? Then why Jaehyun? Why go and fuck around?" You said, the anger of the past coming back up. "I missed you too, yet I stayed faithful to you."

"I know. I know you did. I know I'm an asshole and that I don't deserve you. I'm not trying to take the blame off myself, I know I'm the only one to blame. I just was so lost. I felt that I wasn't good enough for anything. I wasn't good enough for you. I took my own insecurities on you and hurt you. But you were, and are, the only person who knows me better than I know myself. I was ashamed of my thoughts and I knew that you could see right through me. So I distanced myself from you, at first, to keep this image of myself hidden from you. At least until I could stop being like that. And then I missed your love and affection, and that was when I started looking for it elsewhere. And it was never the same, but I was so confused that I was okay with it. I didn't even notice when I became that person. I'm- I'm so sorry." He said, his voice breaking, tears rolling down his cheeks.

You were in no better condition. You didn't even notice when you had started crying, both from sadness and love for the boy in front of you. You instinctively reached out for Jaehyun's hand, the warmth feeling familiar, calming you down a bit.

"Jae.. I really don't know what to say. Nor what to do. I tried so hard to forget you Jaehyun. I really did. And I can't do that and it breaks my heart. But I don't know what I should do about that, I don't know what would be best." You said, your thumb caressing his palm.

Jaehyun looked at you and placed his palm on the side of your head, you leaning your head to rest on it.

"I love you. I never stopped. I understand if you don't want anything to do with me and I'll respect that, but if you could give me a second chance I promise you, you won't regret it." He pleaded, getting closer to you. You knew you should have gotten up and walked away. You knew those beautiful eyes had the power to hurt you again and leave you more broken than before, but for some reason you couldn't bring yourself to move from your spot. Truth was, you missed Jaehyun so much. There hasn't been a day those past 6 months, when you didn't think of him. Your love for him was so big that you were willing to risk your sanity just so you could wake up next to him one more day, as stupid as that made you look.

"I want to Jae. You have no idea how much I've missed you. But I don't know if I can trust you again. It's going to be very hard and I don't know if it will be worth it in the end." You said, letting go of his hand and placing it on your lap.

"We'll take it slow. We'll take it as slow as you want to take it. I'll do anything to make you trust me again. Just, please. Please be mine again. I miss the way you look every morning with your hair tangled up and your cheeks muffled in the pillow. I miss the way you scrunch your little nose when you are confused. I miss the way you make fun of me when I have my "practice" face on. I miss your smell. I miss the way taste of strawberries from your chapstick when I kiss you. I miss you. Please." He said and you started crying all over again. God, you needed to get a grip of your emotions smh.

"Are you willing to wait for me? Wait till I can trust you again?" You said, with a small sigh.

"I'm willing to wait fifty years if that means you'll be mine again." He said caressing your cheek and wiping away your tears.

"Okay then. I hope you don't make me regret it." You said, trying to smile through the tears.

"You won't. In fact, let's start all over again." He said and got up. "Hi, I'm Jaehyun, is this seat taken?" He said and gestured next to you.

"Hi, I'm Y/N. No, it's not you can seat here." You said laughing. Jaehyun grinned, his dimples full on display, while he took your hand, pulling you up towards him, while he hugged you, spinning you in circles, the snow falling all around you.

In the distance, Johnny smiled at the sight, hoping that none of you would break each other's hearts again.