#bruh why the fuck everything cost money

[somuchyoudontknow]

Now CaptR is making fun of you on her blog. Obviously she’s over here reading. ///

Ooooh, I saw that too, but honestly, who cares if she is? She is a delusional scammer who tried to rip off fans by asking for money under fake gofundme accounts.

There is a screenshot of her telling someone she started the accounts, but she is saying on her blog that she didn’t. 🙄

And telling the world that she was given info by someone else. Yet she cant and wont provide any proof that she was scammed by this mystery person.

All she can say about it “We are asking questions” but bruh, you should’ve been asking questions from fucking day 1. Where did her common sense go when this soap opera plot about this white boy being held hostage was being fed to her?

She fed the fandom that info and was so verbally abusive when we asked questions because the stories got sketchier and sketchier by the day.

All she is doing now she offered some half-assed apologies and is busy painting herself as a victim, saying we’re all bullying her — and that is only because she got caught trying to grift the fandom for 23,000 bucks!

The absolute audacity. And blaming other blogs for doing stuff when she is the ringleader in all this nonsense.

She can sit in her delusional corner for all we care. And if there are still fans who believe her and flock to her asking for info and crying about CAA potentially locking Chris away in a tower far far away and abusing him like this is some Disney fairytale, that’s on them. It’s no one else’s problem but theirs.

And now that we’ve established that CaptRegina and her equally delulu band of minions should be avoided at all costs, can we discuss happier things?

That mystery person "CandyLove" didn't only approach them, some of my friends from Discord have shown me they were sent info by her as well but they took her info with a grain of salt because that person never provided any proof of their contact with Josh.

The question is acc. to the ss shared by one of them, why did they take her info so seriously and run here and put everything out?

[oqal]

Girl how’re you feeling today?

ugh just defeated soooo much

my car didn’t start up again today so i called my coworker and told him i couldn’t come in as i had no other source of transportation (scared of ubers lowkey bc i’m a woman tbh) and he was like yeah no worries i got you

so, after an hour of trying to figure out whats wrong w my car myself (like checking if the battery wires were secured and the alternator would fire) for like an hour, my manager (not boss manager of the store) said if i don’t go into my shift today, i won’t have anymore shifts again or my hours cut in half (40 to 20–like i don’t have bills??) so i go in, clean myself of the oil n shit, then be driven by my roommate to my job. we open at 10, i got there at 10:30 instead of 9 am as scheduled. not a huge deal right?

so i go in anyways, already stressed about my car, and even though the store has been open for an hour and a fucking half, coworker did literally none of the inventory. even when it was dead asf and i was an hour and a half late. which is a huge fucking list of all of our products and how much we have. there’s three inventories you have to complete by 10:30. he didn’t even do one!! it took me forever because we have a billion new products!!!! he WAITED for someone to show up so he didn’t have to. so. proves my point that men are fucking useless and why that store is a fucking disorganized mess i have to organize all the fucking time

schedule gets released and instead of the usual 40, it’s fucking 21. and i was like oh FUCK no. so i confronted bossman via text and said “this is not a liveable schedule for me i have bills and this is my only source of income, and we agreed on 40, and despite EVERYTHING, i still showed up today. what the fuck is this.” (i am very brave and it was in a more polite way) so he’s put on the spot, promises me more hours the following week and gave me an extra shift, bumping it up to 28. but it’s still like?? bruh i’m GETTING MY CAR FIXED FOR THIS JOB AND THAT COSTS MONEY AND YOU GIVE ME LESS HOURS TO RUB SALT IN THE FUCKING WOUND?? HELL TF NO

finances give me so much stress and my family sucks and my job threatened 86ing me, and my car is acting wonky. i am a busy person who travels a lot for work and if i don’t have a car then i just freak out and spiral so much. but finances are truly my number one stressor ;;;; i go into anxiety attacks and did at least twice today

luckily everything is planned out now. i’m borrowing my mom’s car for the weekend, my sister will follow me to the dealership so if it is the alternator, i can get that fixed for free as it’s still under warranty, and then she’s going to help me run my necessary errands i need to complete

its like. just. god. can i get a fucking break. (not an actual break, give me what we agreed on and also EVERY DAY SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS)

it’s like. to make up for the money income, i could do commissions of either art or fic, but i’m…. not rlly that good yet lolol. time to start selling my other drugs 🙄🙄 (/j)

[thehomeofalostchild]

I want to go on a short adventure where I won’t have to be uncomfortable and won’t have to spend money. why is there nothing I can think of

[clearlydiamondz]

Drug Lords

Erik!Stevens x Black!Reader

- - - - - - - - - -

Drug lord Erik Stevens have some dealings with his weapon supplier. He makes it known that no one is going to mess with her..

Warning: Smut, cursing, killing, 

- - - - - - - - - -

(Y/N) woke up at around 2:00 in the morning, her sleep was totally off. She went to bed around 10 but for some odd reason she couldn’t get to sleep. It was messing up her entire sleep schedule. She looked at her phone and saw that she had a text message from the one and only Erik Stevens. He sent a text over a little hour ago. She opened it.

Erik- you up?

She rolled her eyes. It’s been a couple of weeks since she last talked to him. She cussed him out when one of his little hoes had the nerves to hit her phone up after getting her number, saying how she was going to beat her ass when he find out who she was.

Little did she know who she really was...

She knew why he was texting her. It was a Friday night, he was most likely drunk and wanting to have sex. She’s not going to lie, she wanted some dick. And Erik sure as hell knew how to deliver it. She decided to text him back.

maybe, why ?

She grabbed her phone, slipping on one of her over sized T-Shirts and walked downstairs.

At the age of 24, (Y/N) ran her own ring. She moved and sold weaponry and technology to other lords, Erik being one of them. She made a lot of money, and made quite the reputation for herself. Erik respected that.

Erik- I’m pullin up,

She didn’t text him back. She gave him a keycard to her penthouse months ago whenever he wanted to come here and lay low.

She walked into her office, walking to her safe and grabbing her pink weed jar, wraps and her lighter. She walked back to the kitchen rolling a blunt. She heard the elevator coming up, before looking and seeing him step out. He had on a dark grey Nike sweat suit, a pair of white Nike Air Forces, and a black beanie.

“Why are you up?” he asked her placing his keys and wallet on the counter. She shrugged.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“So you decided to roll a blunt?” he asked leaning on the counter as she nodded.

“Yup, maybe this could help.” she smelled the liquor on him.

“How you get her so fast?” she asked him as he shrugged his shoulders.

“I was on my way when you texted me back.” he said.

‘What if I had someone over here?” she asked him tilting his head to the side as he rolled his eyes, smacking his teeth.

“(Y/N) stop fucking playing with me.” he told her as she scoffed.

“Whatever, I would offer you a drink but you seem a little tipsy.” she chuckled, bringing the blunt to her lips before lighting it. She took a breath letting the smoke fill before letting it out. Erik grabbed the blunt from her taking a puff of it, a longer  one than she.

“Damn this is good...” he coughed a bit before she tilted her head.

“So um, why are you here?” she asked him tilting her head to the side. “It’s not very usual that Erik tries to see the girl who cussed him out.” she said drinking from her water bottle.

“Well for one, I wanted to come by and see you. I’ve been texting your phone and you have been ignoring me.” he said as she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah... because I’m mad at you. I don’t need another one of your little bitches texting me.” she said in a matter of fact tone.

“Bruh I said, I don’t know how that bitch got into my phone, dead ass.” he said as she shook her head. “I’m being forreal. We did things a couple of months ago, I’m guessing she thought it was something more. She was over at JJ’s house while we were playing poker and I left my phone in kitchen. I’m guessing she saw the messages.. you know actually I think she saw the video of you playing in ya pussy and thought-” she hit him in the arm as he laughing.  

“I’m playin... but I still got that video.” he said. For some odd reason, him still having that video made her feel a little thump down there, but she couldn’t let him know that.

Erik did miss her.. like a lot. Nevermind the sex, he just loved being in her presence. In being without her for the past few weeks without her had a huge tole on him.

“Yeah because your a nasty ass nigga. That’s why.” she said taking the blunt from him, making her way back upstairs him following her. “You’re lucky I didn’t come by and shoot that bitch in her face.”

“Trust me.. you would’ve done been doing us both a favor.” he said. “Also, I want to make a deal with you. Word on the street you got some new weaponry, parts from Stark Industries.” she shrugged her shoulders.

“Maybe? Now that Tony is dead, government been trying to move his weapons. Straight disrespectful.” she said walking into her room. He took off his shoes and sweat shirt showing the white tank top, and his scars. “A couple of people interrupted the move, stole some equipment. Sold it on the black market,  I got my hands on some of the equipment. It was a hefty penny though. Making sure it couldn’t be tracked, tweaking it and shit. Costed me over 5 million for everything.” she said sitting on her bed taking a puff from the blunt. She was definitely starting to feel the high.

“How much you selling it for?”

“Well, I was able to make different things with it. So, depending on what it is. The lowest price I got so far is 250k.” she said handing him the blunt. He sat down in the recliner she had in her room.

“Damn,,”

“Yeah, I’ve already got people trying to do pre-orders but you know that’s not really my thing.” she said.

“So, will I be able to get my hands on a few.” he asked her as she laughed.

“Oh, your too funny. Just like everyone else, you need to come in contact with my team. Then I’ll see if you can get some of those products.” she responded. He kissed his teeth.

“Sorry, just because you’re the only client that I’ve had sex with doesn’t mean you can just get to me to get access or discounts.” she said. “If I thought with my Punani instead of my head with y’all niggas, I’d be broker than broke. No offense.”

“Yeah, you got a point.” she put the blunt on the night stand before standing up. She walked towards him, throwing her legs over him, sitting down in his lap before he leaned back placing his hands on her ass rubbing it.

“I’m guessing you missed me too.”

“Yeah, I guess I missed your big headed ass.” she sighed, as he gave her ass a slap. She jumped a bit before biting his lip. He forgot that she liked that.

She felt his dick pressing on her. “What you want from me, huh?” he asked her as they smirked each other. His plump lips was pouted and his eyes hang low, probably feeling a little high from the blunt. All she saw was a beautiful ass man, with a face she could use as a seat.

“I wanna ride your face.”

He raised an eyebrow at her as she smiled innocently at him. His mouth started to water at the thought of her pussy in his mouth. It was crazy how sweet she tasted, especially when she came. Tasted like honey and brown sugar.

He placed his hands under ass before standing up and walking to her bed. He placed her down before looking at her. He leaned down grabbing her by the con before leaning in for a kiss. The kiss was sweet and passionate. He really wanted to show her how much he missed her.

As they kissed, his hand trailed up the shirt coming into contact with her clothed wetness. He pulled them off with both hands still kissing her. His fingers found her clot rubbing it. His fingers were cold, she shivered at the coldness and the sensitivity. She moaned into the kiss as he pulled away.

“I’m barely touching you and your already breaking.” he chuckled. He sat down beside her before taking his shoes of then pulling her into his lap and laying back. “Come set that pussy on my tongue.” without a second thought, she lifted  her shirt, letting it sit over her ass as she placed herself on his tongue. Without hesitation, Erik had his tongue deep inside of her.

He could physically feel her squeezing himself around his dick making him moan, “Fuck daddy... eat my pussy just like that.” she whimpered out. He gripped her ass cheeks, squeezing one as she moaned.

She grinded her hips, riding his tongue as she threw her head back. He was trying to talk to her, but he had his mouth full.

He reached down, grabbing his dick palming it through his sweats. It was getting painful, and the restrictions of his sweatpants was not helping. She looked back and saw him touching his self before an idea popped into her head.  

“Hold up.” she lifted herself off before turning around. She hovered over his face, pulling the band from his sweatpants down. She pulled down the red and black Gucci boxers down freeing him as he winced. She looked at his dick before licking her lips. He was beautiful. Long and thick, pre cum dripping down the sides running down the veins. Within a split second, her lips wrapped around the tip, as her tongue swirled around it collecting all of his pre cum. She  moaned at the taste, he always tasted like fruit.

“Fuck.. don’t tease me. Put all of daddy in ya mouth.” he grunted. She followed his instructions before wrapping her hands around the base of his dick. She moved her hands slowly stroking as she sucked him.

“C’mon on daddy, keep eating my pussy..” she encouraged him as he moaned.

“Freaky ass.. I got you.” His lips wrapped her clit, sucking on it as she moaned around his dick. The feeling of giving and receiving pleasure at the same time wasn’t new to her, but her first time doing it, she knew that this wasn’t the last time doing it.

He was big, but she was determined to fit him all her in mouth. And she did just that. His dick was deep in her throat, she hummed in pleasure, the vibrations sent to him as he let out a deep  moan. “Fuck baby girl...” he moaned as she smiled. She leaned up, stroking him while rubbing along his hard dick, her spit dripping down to his balls.

He slowly thrusted into her hand as she smirked at his desperation. Finally, she had him like putty in her hands. She lifted up off of him before kissing him. She straddled his hips, his dick slightly rubbing against her pussy, the both of them moaning. She stood up, breaking away from her as she smiled.

She pulled the T-Shirt from her body before he stood up, taking off his clothes. She got down on her knees before looking up at him, batting her eyelashes at him. “You want daddy to fuck your throat. Huh?” he asked cupping her cheeks as she nodded. “No, say it.”

“I want daddy to fuck my throat.. pretty please.” she begged licking the tip as he threw his head bad.

“There you go, beg me. Open your fucking mouth.” he said. Her mouth was open and he inserted her mouth, before thrusting in and out of he mouth. She loved gagging on his dick, and she knew that he loved that sound.

He was talking, but she wasn’t paying attention. She was just focused on the attack on her throat. She snuck her hands down the front, inserting a finger in her wetness before moaning, her eyes rolling back as she fingered herself.

“Yeah, play with that wet ass pussy. I can hear that shit all the way from up here.” she looked up at him, holding his dick in her throat. He pulled out.

“There is no way I’m cumming like that.” he said before grabbing her by her face and lifting her up. He smashed his lips into her, the two of them kissing in sync. “Fuck me...” she whispered. In a swift movement, Erik pushed her on the bed, as she opened up her legs.

The wetness was smeared all on her inner thighs, the center glowing with her wetness as she smirked at him. “Fuck..” he grunted getting in between her legs. He kissed her, distracting her from her. He inserted her as she gasped.

“Shit daddy..” she moaned. Damn she was hella tight. “Fuck your too big.” she whispered throwing her head back. Erik kissed along her neck, to her chin, then placed a kissed on her lips.

“Quit all that, take this dick like a big girl. Ain’t ya first time, so take it.” he said slowly stroking her. Already, she was creaming on his dick.

“Mmm, daddy. Fuck me just like that.” she whimpered out as he smiled at her.

“Yeah.. that’s right. Take this dick in that tight ass pussy. Making a mess all over my dick.. disrespectful.” he grunted out. She bit down on her lip, opening her eyes meeting his. She clenched her self tighter just to get a reaction out of him. His eyes fluttered closed, as he clenched his jaw. She smirked. .

“Daddy don’t slow down, that shit feels too good.” she teased him. It pissed him off how fast she was about to cum.. way too fast. And she was teasing him about it.

“Come up here ride my shit, since you wanna be all bold and shit. Hurry that ass up.” They flipped over as Erik was on his back. She sat down on his dick moaning as it hit her walls.

“Shit.. just use my shit bitch. That’s it.” he grunted as she moaned. She was so close and he was too. Maybe it was just because of the way that they were fucking each other, or maybe it was because it’s been a minute since the last time they fucked, but the two of them were both on edge.

She leaned back opening her legs as she showing him going in and out of her. “Feels so good.” she whispered to herself.

“Yeah show me all that. Just nasty..” he grunted fucking up into her. He was cumming. There was no point in stopping or trying to hold back considering he was close. And by the look and feel of the things, she was close to. 

“Daddy...  I’ma gonna-” She was interrupted by him cumming deep inside her walls. He moaned out, digging his hands in her ass as she moaned out loud. She continued fucking him, chasing her own orgasm. 

“Fuck.. fuck.” he grunted out as she continued riding him. That’s when she squirted all over his stomach. She fell forward, her head resting in her neck as they stayed like that for a minute. 

“We need to go again.. that shit was-”

“Hold up.. I need to catch my breath. You know I got asthma.” she said as he laughed. 

“You need ya inhaler or something?”

“Nah, lemme just catch my breath.”

- - - - - - - - - - - 

(Y/N) walked into the warehouse, looking at her woman pointing their gun at the poor man. The captain of the group, Venom, had her knife to his neck. 

Let’s just say, her team was ruthless. They were a team made of women, who handled her.. business. They were called the Mona Lisa’s. Mainly because they showed no remorse or emotion. But because the actual Mona Lisa was beautiful and mysterious, they gained that nickname. The tricked men into get information, they were amazing actresses actually. They could make somebody feel wanted and loved... and we all know how dangerous that could be.

“Who are you?” 

“I ain’t telling you shit, bitch.” he snapped at her as she rolled her eyes. 

“We gonna skip that part where you try to be all tough. There is nothing stopping Venom here from slashing your throat and trust me. That would most definitely be the high light of her day.” she warned him. “Actually, the highlight of her day would be torturing you until you speak.” she said matter of factly.

“Weak ass bitches, you don’t scare no body.” (Y/N) looked at Venom and smirked at him. 

“You take your time with him. Call me when he says something.”

- - - - - - - - - - - -

(Y/N) ran a face scan through the system, to find out that he use to work for Erik. Name was Claw. Nasty and just plain annoying. After stealing money from Erik and killing one of his close friends, he was never seen again. Erik and a lot of other lords

“So what is this surprise you got for me?” he asked him walking past her in her quarters where they did their interrogations. The entire time he was looking at her ass. They walked to the door as she turned around, 

“Look for yourself.” He walked in the room, looking in the glass window seeing him tied to a chair, as Venom continued cutting his fingers off his one hand, piece by piece. 

“Is that-”

“In the flesh. I caught him trying to sneak into my warehouse where I’m holding some of my weapons.” she said as he looked at her. 

“I hope it’s not the-”

“It’s not the Stark ones. Those are in Alaska. But I’m worried. Out of all my years of moving and supplying, I’ve never had someone successfully break into my warehouse. And I know the Mona Lisa’s aren’t slacking because they are highly trained. I sent over a hundred of them to Alaska to protect the gear.” she said biting her acrylic thumb in nervousness. “This idiot was dumb coming in here alone, but I know niggas. Niggas that are smarter, and I just have this deep feeling that someone is planning something to get at me.” she looked at Erik. He’s known her for years, she’s never really shown nervousness or being scared. He saw that she was genuinely scared. Some might say she was over thinking, but in her line of work you could  never over think.

“Aye calm down, I promise you I won’t let anyone get to you, ight. Even if it takes my last breath.” he reassured her. “Starting with this motherfucker. I’m killing his ass.” he said about to walk to the door to entre the room but she stopped him.

“Wait, lemme talk to him. I got a plan.” she walked into the room before walking over to her. 

“Alright, so I know who you are.” she said as he cursed. 

“You knew who I was this entire time and you’ve been letting this crazy bitch do this shit!” he yelled at her as (Y/N) laughed. 

“Man, calm down. I ain’t even that serious. Plus, it’s been a minute since Venom have had a little bit of fun. She deserves it.” (Y/N) smiled at Venom as Venom smirked at her. 

“Anyways, I know that you’re working with Erik. Or use to work with him. I sent a couple of my girls over there to do.. a lil bit of damage. Kill some of his goons, injure a couple more, but I’m keeping Erik alive.” he said as Claw shook his head. 

“Your dumb if you did that.”

“Well, you and I both know the success rate my girls have so...” she trailed off. 

“No, your dumb if you think that I still work for that bum ass nigga, or I’m trying to get in good terms with him. Fuck his bitch ass..” he said. She chuckled. 

“Well it make sense..  I mean, you were his close friend. Right hand man. Makes since you’d try to steal my shit. I did tell my girls to make sure that Erik know your alive.” she said as his face turned to complete fear. She tilted her head to the side pouting. 

“Tell me why you tried stealing my shit.”

“I-I was doing it to have so I could sell it.” he said as she rolled her eyes. That’s all she wanted to hear but she still wanted to fuck with him. 

“Bull shit. Tell the truth. Either way you’re going to die whether it’s by me or by him. Why?”

“I’m telling you. I only wanted to sell it. Everyone know your work is worth billions and I-I needed some quick cash. J-Just don’t tell him I’m alive.”

“Damn,,, for him to be a bum ass nigga, you a lil scared ain’t you,” she said tilting her head to the side. “Anyways he knows so..” she shrugged. 

“N-No he doesn’t. He would’ve been here by-” she looked towards the window than looked back at him. He got the hint. The door opened and Erik walked in, the vein in forehead popping out as his jaw clenched.

“So I’ma a bum ass nigga now?” he asked him, (Y/N) rolled her eyes. She knew his Ego was hurt. Erik looked at Venom, before smiling at her. 

“Thanks Sweetheart. Love what you did but I got it from here.” he winked at her as she smiled blushing. 

“No problem Erik.” she walked out as (Y/N) chuckled. 

Venom was dangerous, well that’s how she got her nickname. But deep down, she was a girl that blushed even at the smallest compliments. She was a sweetie, but if it came down to it, she didn’t hesitate to drop a body. And she did enjoy tourtuing somebody for her enjoyment.  

“Look Erik-”

“Don’t say my name. First of all, I’ma kill you for what you did to me. But- I’ma make sure that shit is slow. Especially coming up in here fucking with her. And about that one, I’ma make sure yo ass wish you were dead.”

“Well you have your fun, let me know when everything is done so I can have someone come clean up ya mess.” she placed a kiss on his cheek before walking out. 

She knew that Erik was gonna handle business for her, maybe he’ll get a lil something for it.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Here’s a lil fact about me, I’m obsessed with Erik and reader being lords or mob bosses or whatever you wanna call it. 

Taglist:

@sociallyawkward18 @raysunshine78 

@justgetitoverwith0 

[saintobio]

Chapter 11 blew my mind, and now I get the "wtf" plot twist you're talking about lol! This is the first time I'm asking you hehe. I can't believe Eula and Naoya hooked up and they have their own personal hidden agendas that would affect the future of the Gojos akskakwjoahwja OMG. Naoya really stayed in his own dirty habits. I wonder what he's plotting again? I'm sorry if I forgot but can I ask why Eula's been plotting Satoru's downfall and she was really REALLY looking forward for Yuuta's inheritance for the title of the company? Is Naoya plotting something for the mc as well? Implying to what Toji said to him, I still don't know what he's plotting in his mind after Toji said that.

I also love how Toji's been concerned for the mc and he's been aware of what's happening to her life.

Also SERA, my god she's so fucking desperate and delusional what happened to her HAHAHAHAHA she needs a freaking therapist. She really went down bad to the point where she wanna babytrap Gojo and how she's saying she'll kill herself because she can't do it alone. However props to you Gojo for having the balls for trying to break up but at what cost? She's so manipulative and desperate people are disturbing asf. Also why did she panick like, whats wrong? She's so goddamns suspicious.

I wonder what she's plotting for the mc lol she said she's gonna pay for everything and for destroying her supposedly "happily-ever-after".

Nevertheless, thank you for the meal Ai! As always! You can now finally sleep i guess jajskaah have sum good schlep gurl..!

Anonymous said

lmaooo naoya, i dont know what you're planning but it better not hurt mc💀

yn, i hope she's okay, maam's having a heart attack on god then we all just suddenly get a scene change ejndnsnsns, it would be real interesting if she gets hospitalized right then and there while gojo's at the hospital, not only could he find out but he'll be in crossroads. if sera's actually pregnant (not to say if the kid would be gojo's) and if he finds out yn has a fatal heart problem, i wonder what he'll do. one thing is for sure. he would HAVE to choose (well ig he already kinda did, seeing he's already breaking up with sera, FINALLY)

now, sera. fckin SIGH. everything is falling out of her grasp (unsurprisingly) and OF COURSE she blames yn, it's getting boring but nonetheless frustrating with how she refuses to see her faults and chooses to blame everything else. (her sheer audacity my god)

and i don't think she's pregnant (like with her cycle and how she's quick to refuse a pregnancy test) and even if she is, she'll find it hard to fake it. gojo is many things, but he isn't dumb and he isn't gullible (he could run a business empire by himself ffs), plus if he has shoko as the one testing sera, i doubt that shoko would lie and deceive him abt sera being pregnant (plus i don't see her getting cahoots with sera), and would sera even have the money to bribe anyone??? i doubt it, with how many times she complained abt being poor. 🙄

can't wait for sera's downfall uwu

and as much as gojo is an asshole here, im worried abt him. feelings aside, he worked hard for that business and seeing it fail and seeing his step-mom plot against him gets me worried....

@mephiis said

oh shit its getting fucked up 👁👁 like eula and naoya and sera is going to team up to bring downfall of gojo. Now yn saw gojo and sera for pregnancy test 😭😭

Gojo i love u stay strong HAHAAHGHAGAYAV I CAN'T-- I CAN'T BE MAD AT HIM ANYMORE AFTER ALL HE WANTS TO END HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH SERA

For naoya : tf you dick down a 43 years old woman? *wheeze* your taste legit worst.

@atsunflower said

Bruh why do I feel like Naoya is plotting something for the 50 anniversary? And I actually like him???? What did u do to me, miss Saint??

Sera keeps shoing her true colors and ugh, I relate a lot to Y/N, Gojo trying to redeem himself is getting on my nerves. Alsoooo, why do I feel like he is gonna find out about Y/N's condition next chapter??? So so so many questions

Anyways, it was another amazing chapter and I already look forward to the next one. Have an amazing week, Saint <3

Anonymous said

THAT TWIST OMG. I never expected Naoya to be the character who took the limelight. This particular part had me curious

“But this, he decided to turn a blind eye on it for personal reasons. Eula was different—that was all that mattered.”

What were his personal reasons and how is she different? She should drop a master class on how to bag rich men. But fr though, isn’t she mad old 💀 like his moms age. Is she actually that attractive?

Also, why did Naoya ask Toji what he would do if Y/N was his wife and why was he pleased by Tojis answer?

Ik Toji also said that if Y/N had waited a little longer she would have had a bunch of men asking for her hand in marriage, would Toji have been one of them if he wanted to remarry?

Anonymous said

NAOYA WITH GOJO’S STEPMOM I GASPED SO HARD I HAD TO PUT MY PHONE DOWN HELP. everything revealed in that part was so crazy, i seriously wonder who will actually expose gojo for all the shit he’s done 👩🏽‍💻 i think naoya is fully capable of doing it, imagine him exposing gojo at that business anniversary 💀

also y/n buying the shoes for toji IN FRONT OF GOJO LMAO. gojo seemed so childish this chapter it’s so funny to me. anyway gojo is actually trying for y/n…the flashback scene was so shocking, i hate sera for trying to keep him by saying she’d k1ll herself 😐 I KNEW SHE WAS PREGNANT TOO i mean it hasn’t been confirmed but the fact that gojo seriously doesn’t believe her and is taking her w ieri…idk 🏃🏽‍♀️ she might be lying considering that her attitude changed when gojo started questioning her but if she actually is pregnant it’s either gojo’s child or maybe someone else’s. HE TRIED BREAKING UP WITH HER TOO OMG IM NOT READY FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER YOURE SO GOOD AT WRITING ty so much for feeding us <3

Anonymous said

Naoya— I had some suspiscions when I looked at the theories about the plot twist. I knew the Naoya X Stepmom idea would really make me say "Wtf!?". Hah I must admit I forgot about Mei's love for money for a bit there hahah

Welp now I can tell why you couldn't express your agreement on my previous ask about Gojo's dad 😅 He does give off that selfish vibe that even if he adores his side pieces he'll only favor those of his own blood, although discreetly/twisted.

I'm honestly nervous that the two (Toji x Y/N) are starting to think about each other, although their thoughts are still on the platonic side, I can't help but feel that Gojo's chances of getting Y/N back is already at the critical level of 10%.

I know he's sincere with everything now but I can't blame Y/N for not believing his actions at all. Heck I would've started not believing every affection he's shown the moment he declared that I will never be in his heart 🤷🏻‍♀️ Hopefully he'll get through the "veil" she has started to build around her to keep him away 👀

Ohohoh it's evident that she isn't pregnant ( I eat lies for breakfast JK 🤣) but in case she is when Ieiri checked it's probably someone else's, maybe Naoya has something to do with it. He did say he wanted to meet her and to leave the dirty work to him. He seems like he's gonna help Toji get Y/N 🤔 Like she's gon be beneficial for their group, too, yk. But oh well, too late, Y/N saw the scenes at the hospital already and has assumed the worst, oh man, and to think he's been annoyingly sweet throughout this chapter 😅

Also, I wanna trust Ieiri honestly but if she ever reveals that misstres is indeed preggo I have a feeling she's threatened by the fact that mistress might potentially harm Y/N knowing her heart condition but again I hope she's a wise and strong as I see her.

I'm honestly glad like 🥲🤧 that he said those things to Sera, that's a HUGE step hun. But now I feel bad because there's a lot of misunderstandings in their relationship then add to the mix that the mistress lied to baby trap Gojo and Y/N seeing all that and running away without confirming anything 😢

unfortunately i cannot answer all of ur asks abt naoya’s intentions. wouldn’t it be better to let the story unfold itself? :) everything will make sense soon. i do agree with the reactions abt naoya x eula tho sjndjs remember when i told u guys i have a plot twist 😭 only one person managed to guess but it was a great guess!!

[annavoncleves]

the saga of henry the young king

ok so, henry the young king, eldest (living) son of henry ii (he did have an older brother, william, but william died as a baby so in practice henry's oldest) dad's the king of england, lord of wales and ireland, count of anjou and maine and aquitaine, and eventually brittany

lots of titles, lots of sons as well, and rather than the oldest son getting everything like comes in later (unless he's an only child/only has sisters) at this point he has to share with his brothers, though he does get the Best Cut, which in this case is the kingship of england

BUT

kingdoms are a lil different to other realms, in that, whilst counties and duchys can be split whilst dad's still alive, bc those are vassals of the kingdom, the throne can't be split up, obviously

so even though henry is named 'henry the young king' (an attempt at securing the throne, after the absolute clusterfuck that happened to henry ii's mother, empress matilda, whose throne was stolen by her cousin stephen after her father's death, bc she was a) a woman, gasp and b) the lords of england didn't think SWEARING AN OATH TO RECOGNISE HER AS QUEEN BEFORE THEIR KING AND PEERS was BINDING ENOUGH, so that henry's chosen heir would. actually get the throne when he died) he has no actual power

which tbh, looking at his record, is probably a good thing, bc although he thought a lot of himself, he wasn't actually that great a leader of men

he was a very good jouster tho, but that's neither here nor there 

SO. henry ii is king. henry the young king is basically the king-in-waiting, whilst all his legitimate* younger brothers get THEIR inheritances (well, richard and geoffrey do, getting aquitaine and brittany. john - later known as bad king john, yes the bad guy in robin hood, he's based off THIS john - is the youngest and doesn't get shit, gaining him the nickname 'lackland') 

*henry ii was a bit of a slut, but all kings were, and was actually pretty good to his bastard sons, by the standards of the day, anyway. he made one of them an important bishop and gave the other a position at court. fun fact, when henry ii does eventually die, it's one of his illegitimate sons at his bedside, and none of his legitimate sons

[in the words of the astounding @searchingforserendipity25: “to be the only illegitimate son at that bedside, crowded by all those absences” damn queen, go off]

BUT. henry the young king, king in name, but JUNIOR king, and only titular. younger brothers get their lands. he's pissed.

daaaaad, he whines, i want a go at ruling now

i'm ruling now, wait your turn, henry ii says

no, fuck you, henry the young king says and starts a rebellion

despite being... well, a bit useless, henry the young king is VERY popular (idk, bc he was moderately handsome and good at jousting?? it makes no sense to me why the people liked him as much as they did, he didn't exactly do anything to earn their love or allegiance as far as i can see) and quite a few lords get behind him

also wanting a bigger portion than they've been given, richard and geoffrey join the rebellion, bc they want more of that sweet, sweet land, as does their mother eleanor of aquitaine who fell out with her husband at some point

henry ii, against all expectations, successfully puts down the rebellion and henry the young king et al are in troubleeee, but henry ii can't afford to really punish his ungrateful offspring as much as he'd probably like, so he goes the other way and gives henry the young king a nice big allowance to keep him happy, which works for a little bit

then henry the young king, beautiful imbecile that he is, decides he's gonna rebel again. it ends the same way. he's just not very good at war, is the only conclusion i can come to

SO the second rebellion is in progress (henry the young king is allied with his brother geoffrey again, but not richard, who appears to have learned his lesson... for now. richard does rebel again later, but he waits for the right moment, proving he had some degree of intelligence that the other two... lacked) when henry the young king gets sick

i'm gonna have to copy and paste from wikipedia for this bit to explain what he was sick WITH bc there is no way i can beat this: "[Henry] had just finished pillaging local monasteries to raise money to pay his mercenaries [when] he contracted dysentery at the beginning of June."

you heard that right

he got dysentry whilst PILLAGING CHURCHES

it was a real Bruh moment for karma

anyway, he starts getting sicker and sicker until it becomes clear He Ain't Surviving This, at which point he does what a lot of people do when faced with the reality of their own mortality: say 'oh shit, i fucked up' and try and apologise

he's also pretty out of it so at some point in a presumably feverish stupor 'as a token of his penitence for his war against his father, he prostrated himself naked on the floor before a crucifix'. just stripped off, got on his belly, presumably in one of the few moments he was not shitting himself, and says 'lol my bad'

unfortunately for henry the young king, he's got form for being a tricksy, underhanded bitch. (seriously, why was he so popular?? enquiring minds - mine - would like to know) and when the messenger gets to his dad saying 'welp, i'm dying, i'm real sorry about the wars, come see me on my deathbed?

henry ii takes one look at that and goes: 'he's not really dying, is he?’

the messenger: uh. yeah. really dying.

henry ii: sounds fake

the messenger: no, he's really really sorry and really really dying

henry ii: this is Definitely A Trap

so henry ii isn't gonna be taken to a secondary location to get imprisoned or murdered by his rebellious son, which u can't entirely blame him for, considering henry the young king is currently In The Process Of Attempting To Depose Him when this all goes down, BUT henry ii also figures that if his son really is dying, and he doesn't grant him forgiveness, then he's gonna be haunted by that shit/his son won't find peace/bad things will happen. so he takes one of his rings and gives it to the messenger and says, take this to my son as a token of my forgiveness. the ring couldn't come from anyone else, so henry the young king will know it really comes from his father, and henry ii doesn't get possibly murdered, so everybody wins!

messenger goes back to henry the young king, who we presume has now got some clothes on, or at least a strategically placed sheet, and gives him the ring. as expected, henry the young king dies soon after, get this, holding the ring that his father sent him.

like. i don't think he was a good king. i don't think he would've been a good king. but. he dies holding onto this ring. and he's got a lot of people around him, but his dad isn't there, just this ring. 

when henry ii gets the news that henry the young king is really, really dead now, he is meant to have said the absolute soul-crusher of a quote that made me want to tell you this whole saga in the first place: "He cost me much, but I wish he had lived to cost me more."

like??? this kid tried to overthrow his dad. TWICE. he spent all the money his dad gave him and then some, which led to the aforementioned pillaging monasteries, he signed up to go on crusade that his dad specifically told him not to fucking go on (which he died before he could fulfil)... he did EVERYTHING wrong. like. so much.

and his dad just wants his pillaging, disobedient and wasteful son back.

and that is the story of henry the young king, the only junior king england ever had.

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

Okay but why does the fandom always give harry like a magical bag that he can pull his galleons out of???? Like straight from the bank

Bruh if they have magical portal bags and boxes what the fuck is the point of messenger owls

Well, this is fanon we’re talking about here. Fanon is a strange place in which fans can make up whatever they want: the good, the bad, and the ugly. If we start asking fandom questions like this we’ll be here all day.

Such as, why in fandom are the goblins always peculiarly helpful and knowledgeable about wizarding nobility?

Many stories begin with Harry stumbling into Gringotts before he’s supposed to with Hagrid going, “SHOW ME THE MONEY!” The goblins then go, “There’s a lad, here, let’s do a blood test and we’ll show you’re the heir of Morgan le Fey, Merlin, Godric Gryffindor, Salazar Slytherin, the Earl of Sandwich, and Jesus Christ Superstar”. They then give Harry his mystical rings as Lord of the House of Everything and a seat in the Wizengamot as an eleven year old. Harry may even take shelter in Gryffindor while Dumbledore stamps his feet somewhere because his ���Harry Potter is Ruining My Schemes” senses are tingling.

The goblins are a barely tolerated foreign peoples who have been to war with wizards multiple times and are treated as well as they are solely because they have the entire country’s money held hostage. They’re a) not going to interfere in wizard politics unless it’s a huge benefit to them b) why would they even know any of this stuff at any point.

But back to your question.

I think the answer is a few things for why people want Harry to have such a tool.

One, Harry has a similar item in canon: the mokeskin pouch Hagrid gives him. There he can seemingly store anything (with some very large limit) and only he can retrieve it. Extrapolating from that, and given what we know about magic, it seems reasonable that it would be able to directly access Gringotts and Harry could just pull whatever money he needed out in such a way only he could retrieve it. 

In a sense, this is what credit is. The Wizarding World, in part due to being a very archaic society that pays no attention to muggle heathens, seemingly has no concept of credit. You go to a store, then you pay right then and there in gold. Maybe, if you’re Lucius Malfoy, a store might accept a delay in payment because they know you’re good for it. I expect thought that this is a rare thing, only available to those who are super wealthy with everyone knowing it, and not a service really offered by Gringotts (who would be sort of a natural credit vouching company in the Wizarding World).

So, in a world without credit, how do you buy something that costs a thousand galleons? Is the wizard actually expected to carry one thousand galleons on his person? Can galleons even legally be transfigured to a smaller size or is this tampering with currency? And that’s just begging to get robbed.

One reasonable answer is a modified mokeskin pouch that goes straight to the bank.

I think fandom likes to give this to Harry because it feels like such a cool idea, it’s so much more efficient than visiting the bank every day, and it allows our cooler version of Harry to make very expensive purchases right away. 

To defend fandom, our own world is full of strange inefficiencies and advances in some areas of the world but not others. More, I can think of reasons owls would not immediately become obsolete.

These pouches could have been invented by the goblins and they’re not sharing secrets. They could be hideously expensive and time consuming to make, meaning it’s just not worth it to get one for every household that connects to every possible store/other house hold in existence. It might not really be possible to connect them directly to the floo network (to be able to send letters back and forth), to do so might make them somehow insecure. There’s also the fact that even being connected to the floo network is not inexpensive, so how do you connect it to some random house? What if you only want to send a letter to a house once? What if someone sends you a package, or vice versa, that the other party isn’t expecting?

Given the above, there are cases where owls/a postal system make a lot of sense. There’s also the fact that for those that do own owls they tend to be very attached to them and to see them abruptly go out of use would probably be very devestating.

Point being, there’s a lot of reasons such a tool might only exist for Gringotts and might only be available to someone absurdly wealthy (i.e. Harry). 

Now, do I think their use in fanfiction is generally silly? Given that their only purpose seems to be to get Harry to buy the super expensive cauldron that the storekeeper can then ooh and ah over how smart and mature Harry is, yes, yes I do.

[mellometal]

Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.

(Please tell me at least one of you got that reference.)

Anyways, jokes aside, the slaughtering of Dhar Mann’s videos is back and running! I’M BACK. Sorry for the long wait. I’ve had a lot of personal stuff going on, which I’ve been very transparent about and I wasn’t in the right headspace to tear apart Dhar Mann’s videos due to that. 

Y’all are in for a real treat today. Why? Because I’m tearing apart TWO of his videos in ONE post! They’re all the same premise, basically. Both of these videos are about people scamming others out of their money by faking injuries and disabilities! Ain’t that nifty? /s

Both of these videos have these things in common: insurance fraud, scamming people, and faking injuries and disabilities. Obviously, we all know those things are extremely fucked up.

For anyone who’s not aware, Dhar Mann has actually committed fraud in the past that he pleaded no contest to in 2014. Fucking shocker, I know. He’s such a kind soul, right? How could he do something so EVIIILLL? /s

He’s actually never served jail time, let alone was ever arrested, for the five felony counts related to a scheme to defraud the City (Oakland, California) by submitting false claims and receipts in order to receive redevelopment grant money. Those were all from the shit he did back in 2008 and 2009! He stole THOUSANDS of dollars from the city when he was an entrepreneur in the medical marijuana business! Dhar Mann served five years of probation. They let him off easy. Why? Oh, because his parents are super rich too and they paid to get him out of serving a jail sentence. 

In 2018, he made a blog post on entrepreneur.com about his “big mistakes costing him everything”. IT’S SO FUCKING FUNNY TO ME. JUST THE WAY HE PUT IT IS HILARIOUSLY BAD AND I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING. Like, BRUH. The fuck did you think was gonna happen? He wrote it out like he was a kid who got in trouble with his parents for not eating his vegetables and had to write out a whole fucking essay as to why it’s important to eat your veggies. It’s THAT bad.

ETA: Here's the link to the article. It's so bad it's funny.

Will there be any response from me? Unfortunately, not this time. These videos are too poorly made for me to make comments about. It wouldn’t be worth it at this point because Dhar Mann has his head up his own ass and won’t listen to the real people he’s actually hurting with his videos. It's obvious they're bad.

It's obvious that insurance fraud is a serious crime. Faking being disabled is disgusting. By faking disabilities, it makes it THAT much harder for disabled people to be taken seriously. It’s sickening.

Onto the first video I want to talk about. This first one has a man who fakes being disabled and fakes injuries all for monetary compensation, a lawyer who encourages her client to do this serious crime, a judge who’s EXTREMELY unprofessional, a few owners of small stores who are the victims of the crime that is injury fraud, and an undercover FBI agent.

Committing insurance fraud can usually end up with a prison sentence of up to five years per false claim (like what this man and his lawyer did in the video), but it can reach up to twenty years. There’s also a penalty that can be up to $250,000 per incident. It’s no joke. (Kids, don't do this, please.)

The first video starts off in a court room. The “victim” (the plaintiff) gives the store owner (the defendant) a piece of his mind, then the guy’s lawyer does the same thing. Hey, as a lawyer, you should know better. That’s extremely unprofessional. The store owner is obviously distraught. He's remorseful. He feels horrible about someone getting hurt in HIS shop, but he’s determined to fight his case. He didn’t do anything wrong.

The judge tells everyone to rise, then says everyone can sit down in an unprofessional way. He tells the plaintiff to tell their side of the story. The lawyer tells the judge that her client tried to grab onto one of the hand bars in the disabled bathroom stall, found that it wasn’t installed properly, and he fell. The store owner interjects and tries to tell the judge that what they were saying wasn’t true...without saying that he objects. The judge gets angry with the store owner...which again, is unprofessional.

The lawyer shows the judge the photos she took as evidence. (I'll get to why these claims are absolute bullshit.) After that, the judge finally tells the store owner to tell his side of the story.

The store owner is adamant about installing the hand bars in the disabled bathroom stall properly, he genuinely had no idea how that even happened, and he's still remorseful. The judge ruled in favor of the "victim", asks for the store owner to pay out $25,000, and court was dismissed.

The lawyer and the "victim" are seen gloating about being successful in pulling off another scheme. The "victim" tells his lawyer that he needed to get out of the wheelchair. His lawyer denies this by saying that she doesn't want to get exposed.

They then go to another independent business to pull off the SAME scam. They do this at a small boutique. The store owner goes around to catch them in the action when he bumps into an undercover FBI agent. The FBI agent asks him what he was doing, and he tells the agent that he’s trying to gather evidence. The agent understands and goes on his merry way.

We see the lawyer going into the dressing room while the “victim” is browsing around for a dress shirt to try on. She goes in with the screwdriver, unscrews the hand bars in the dressing room, then comes back out. The “victim” asks one of the store clerks if he could try on a shirt he picked out, so he goes back there, and he “falls” in the dressing room. LIKE HOW HE “FELL” IN THE DISABLED BATHROOM STALL AT ANOTHER STORE.

What makes these claims absolute bullshit is the fact that the lawyer carried around a screwdriver to uninstall the hand bars to make her client "fall" (she had it sticking out of her suit jacket). Plus, if a disabled person were to actually fall from improperly installed hand bars in the disabled bathroom stall, the holes in the wall wouldn't look clean WHATSOEVER. The screws would not come out clean like if you were to unscrew them out of a wall. Part of the wall and the screws would most likely be ripped out and the disabled person would be SERIOUSLY hurt (depending on the person). Like, you'd have to go to the hospital, most likely. The way that the "victim" "fell" was like he practiced it, like how you would in theatre. (I've practiced how to "fall" safely when I was in theatre for scenes where you have to faint or pass out. There's a trick to doing that without hurting yourself. Theatre kids, you know what I'm talking about.) He was still in the fetal position in his chair on his left side. He had NO injuries whatsoever.

His lawyer JUST so happened to be there! Convenient timing! She introduces herself (even though they clearly know each other already) and tells the people working in the store that she’ll be seeing them in court for their “negligence”. The store clerks have no idea what she’s even talking about and they’re understandably afraid. I don’t think the owner of that boutique was there at the time. (Don’t they have security cameras all over the store? I would think they'd catch onto what the lawyer did in one of the dressing rooms if they did.)

They pull off this scam, they're seen LAUGHING about fucking scamming people and committing a SERIOUS CRIME, and the store owner from earlier catches them when the "victim" gives the wheelchair back to his lawyer. They take the store owner's camera, taunt him, and then the lawyer EATS the SD card! They go off into the sunset, laughing like your stereotypical mean girls in Beverly Hills.

They go back to court, where the store owner is still trying to defend himself. The judge isn't budging at first, the lawyer is acting like the store owner is lying (he isn’t), and the store owner is trying to tell the judge exactly what happened. He’s almost ordered to pay out $25,000, which would mean that he’d have to close down his store to even come up with that kind of money. That stops when the undercover FBI agent goes right into the courtroom to give the judge evidence to prove that the store owner is innocent. Apparently this guy has been investigating these two people for a while and was waiting to catch them. It ends with the lawyer AND the "victim" being arrested and the store owner is proven innocent. He never ends up having to pay the $25,000.

Hey, Dhar Mann. I have a few questions for you.:

Are you projecting? Because you did commit five counts of fraud. You pulling the same shit again? Just curious.

When you add in BIPOC and AAPI characters, why do you have to ALWAYS have to write them as either the victims, the heroes, or you write them to be absolutely awful people? This is ESPECIALLY the case with Black and Hispanic people in your videos. You ALWAYS write these two groups like this mainly, and I don't understand why. The racial aggression in your videos isn't cute. Knock it the fuck off. Why not just write them as normal people, WHICH IS WHAT THEY ARE?

Is your concern for small business owners genuine? Do you actually care about small businesses? Or did you just add them into this video for brownie points to feed the gross excuse for a savior complex you have?

The second video I want to talk about is pretty much the same thing, except this involves a couple and they don't fake disabilities! They do fake being/getting injured though. I’ll call the guy with the nice car “Nice Guy” and the scammers “Scammer 1″ and “Scammer 2″. They don’t have any names, unfortunately.

It starts off with Nice Guy backing out of a parking lot when Scammer 1 "falls" behind the car and yelps out in pain. Nice Guy gets out of the car to see what happened and he’s freaking out because he thinks he just hit someone by trying to back out of a parking lot. He wants to make sure that Scammer 1 is okay.

Scammer 2 runs over to her boyfriend to see that he “fell” behind the car, berates Nice Guy, Scammer 1 is crying out in “pain”, and Nice Guy is trying to come up with a solution. He gives the two scammers $600 and they go on their way. Scammer 2 tells her boyfriend that he put on a great performance. Little did they know that Nice Guy heard everything they said.

But wait, kids! There’s more! It’s fuckin’ wacky!

They go to a little convenience store, Scammer 1 pulls out a water bottle out of one of the fridges that he didn’t pay for, and pours some all over the floor. Scammer 2 happens to walk in, "slip" on the spilled water, and land directly onto her back. The store clerk there goes over to see what happened, Scammer 1 introduces himself as a personal injury lawyer to Scammer 2, and they try to get monetary compensation from the store clerk. Little do they know that Nice Guy was watching them the whole time!

He caught them on camera trying to pull off a scam, he called the cops, and we never see Scammer 1 and Scammer 2 ever again!

Why is it that there were no security cameras in your store the first time around, but they were CONVENIENTLY THERE this time, Nice Guy? You could've proven your case and won the first time!

My thoughts on these videos? Super boring. Ableist as hell. Super unrealistic. They're so poorly made that I didn't even want to make a comment on either of them!

It looks obvious that he's projecting, but I don't know. What do y'all think?

[pinkysfaultorbrainsfault]

pinky and the brain - s1e2: of mouse and man

episode summary: brain needs money to build a perpetual answering machine to occupy everyone in the world for long enough for him to take over. to do that, he needs an absurd amount of money, so he decides to get a job in an office!

and then fake a nondairy creamer accident that turned him into a mouse, because as we all know, brain has to take the most dramatic path he possibly can in life, or he dies.

the rundown:

we open with pinky showing off his ass.

PRODUCED BY PETER HASTINGS. i assume that means the episode, and not the ass. the ass was initially produced by pinky’s parents and then helped along by the warner brothers’ dietary experts for their. mouse actors.

brain isn’t feeling it right now.

instead, as he plucks a rib from the lab’s anatomical model of a human being, and uses it to unpick his cage, he angsts - WRITTEN BY PETER HASTINGS - he angsts over the Dark Side Of Man, that has built war machines and pollution spilling factories and

VOICEMAIL.

😱

as pinky continues to stick his ass out (though onlyfans wouldn’t be launched for another twenty one years) brain runs through his latest plan, which, of course, involves voicemail.

look at those wiggles. this is a rough draft episode.

anyway brain intends to reroute all telephone conversations into his confusing, recursive, voicemail service that, he claims, will keep the human race occupied for “at least seventy two hours.”

“more than enough time for a well prepared mouse to seize control of the planet.”

“i see! so all we need now is a well prepared mouse.”

I???????

HOLY FUCK

brain is unhappy. i am not surprised.

“i am a well prepared mouse, pinky.”

“oh. well. there you are, then.”

unfortunately this plan comes with the pitfall that it will cost.... one million, six hundred and fourteen thousand dollars. which is a lot of money, or, as pinky puts it, “a lot of money!”

as brain wonders about how to raise these funds (”without running for congress”) pinky pinkys off to watch some tv.

HAVE YOU BEEN INJURED IN AN ON THE JOB ACCIDENT

YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO HUNDREDS, THOUSANDS, EVEN ONE MILLION SIX HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS IN COMPENSATION

LENNY PARVIK GOT ME TWO HUNDRED AND ELEVEN DOLLARS

EVEN THOUGH I’M NOW NINETY PERCENT FUDGE, IT’S OKAY BECAUSE LENNY PARVIK GOT ME ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTY TWO DOLLARS SIXTEEN CENTS AND SOME CHANGE

<LOUD, INCREDIBLY DISTRESSED CRYING>

hm.

“pinky, are you pondering what i’m pondering?“

“i think so, brain, but i get all clammy inside a tent.”

anyway so brain’s new plan is to get a job, stage a

HIDEOUS ACCIDENT

and then sue them for one million, six hundred and fourteen thousand dollars in workers compensation.

this episode also has a lot of faces. god, but these mice are so bloody cute. youtube has not yet been invented, but one day it will be, and all brain has to do is sit in front of a camera and nom some corn and go O:O with his face, and everyone will be crying over him within minutes.

it’s so sad that he doesn’t know that.

but for now, he has a job interview to go to. good luck, brain! can’t be any worse than that time allsaints forgot about me and the manager acted like it was my fault.

“impressive credentials. you’re certainly qualified. are you married?”

“oh, yes, i have a lovely wife and two beautiful young children.”

“oh that’s too bad. we’re looking for someone who has no life. thank you.”

as family man walks off, dejected, in comes a completely unsuspicious fellow looking for an honest living honest living, just like in rent the musical.

his arm is acting up, a bit, but it’s fine.

“very impressive resume. princeton, harvard, six years in the industry-- tell me, mr brain, what are your long term career goals?”

“i plan on taking over the world.”

“you have drive! i like that! but confidentially, taking over the world is my job, hahahaha.”

”yes. haha. ha.”

”now. brass tax - are you married?”

“i do have a roommate. but he’s very busy with his own activities.”

HA HA HOO HOO HOO

<muah>

HAHA

“but. one more thing. about your head. isn’t it rather small?”

“no. not for my race.”

“no! no, of course not-- and your people are such... good... cooks... with their tiny heads, uh. please. excuse me for one second.”

“carol! send everyone else home! i got myself a minority person!”

BRUH I?!??!?!?!?!

anyway. brain gets the job.

“mr brain! welcome to the world of re-reinsurance!”

he’s delighted.

back at the labs, he plots his untimely demise at the hands of re-reinsurance,

stating the accident “could be bluffed by altering the mollecular matrix through a substrate platform of microwaves.”

pinky’s response to this is “look brain, i made a choo-choo.”

“oh, and me without my video camera!”

in simpler terms, he explains to pinky that he will stage an accident, “utilising the microwave oven and the non-dairy powdered creamer.”

“because”, to pinky’s apparent horror, “nobody really knows how a microwave works.”

“but why the powdered creamer, brain?”

“nobody knows how that works either.”

(and then, i guess, there’s a scene where some guys jump him on the train for some reason,

i’m only putting it here because this guy is like “oh, you’re funny, you’re a regular gallagher”

and brain’s like “you think gallagher is funny?”

):

anyway then he ties the dude into a pretzel and throws him off the train.

bonk. it adds nothing, but it’s very funny.)

“this is your cubicle right here. if you need any office supplies, ask the office manager and she should have them over in two or three months.”

it’s brain’s first day at work! his boss reads him the company policy on

vacations, personal phone calls,

and sexual harassment.

“don’t worry about it. you’re safe if you avoid all contact with other humans.”

“my goal in life.”

as brain unpacks the things that pinky has packed for his “home away from home,

awwwww.

his nosy cubicle neighbour inquires about brain’s “pet mouse,”

elaborating that he keeps mice! haha! to feed to his pet snake!

to be fair this is also me around snake people. more understandable in brain’s case, being that he is, actually, a mouse, and i am a human person who may be slightly obsessed with tiney small flofys.

;u;

(they play tennis on their lunch break and brain sets him on fire, so it’s not too bad.)

upon his return from the office, pinky, who has dolled himself up to the nines, presents brain with a Yummy Dinner of Food Pellets With Food Pellets.

i will say i think it’s really cute how this show keeps pushing the narrative that pinky just really, really wants to be an old timey housewife. he just spends his time watching i love lucy (when Fish TV isn’t on) and stuff like that and he’s just obsessed with the idea of dusting something alluringly but ineffectively and making brain little dinners.

and it’s so fucking cute!!! what??? it’s adorable. as soon as they get the world pinky better get a little dollhouse kitchen room with lime green everything and a functioning oven.

“please, pinky. i’ve had a very tough day.”

“oh, you have? you’ve had a tough day?”

“what about my day, brain? we always hear about your day, but what about mine?!”

“DO YOU EVER ASK WHAT I DID TODAY???!”

“very well pinky. what did you do today?”

“i don’t remember.”

“anything?”

“not a thing.”

“well, now i know how american gladiator stays on the air.”

the next day, at work, brain is vexed by the fact that nobody has refilled the coffee machine.

“sorry. that’s my fault. hey, you’re cute.”

“you know what they say. big ears. big earmuffs.”

.....okay.

unfortunately brain’s mechanical arm chooses now to malfunction.

she’s into it?

brain maintains that it was a mistake, and he doesn’t find her attractive at all, because brain knows how to talk to women.

she is no longer into it.

horrified by his semi-accidental fuckboy behaviour, brain heads out as quickly as he can, only to be immediately called into his boss’ office.

despite brain’s claims that “the young lady appears to have misunderstood me,” which i’m sure will hold up well on twitter,

mr boss man reveals that he has done some fact checking, and there is no record of brain attending harvard or princeton.

“oh.”

he is given the ultimatum that he either produce his diplomas, or HIS CAREER IN RE-REINSURANCE IS OH OH OVER!!!

very sad!

looks like it’s time to stage a workplace related accident.

he pours the creamer everywhere, discards his suit, and runs up to plonk himself merrily into the pile.

ahem.

HELP, HELP. A TERRIBLE  OCCUPATIONAL DISASTER. I’VE BEEN MAIMED BY AN ON THE JOB ACCIDENT REQUIRING MASSIVE WORKERS’ COMPENSATION.

as others in the office crowd around to look, brain makes his dramatic reveal.

“i’ve been turned into a mouse!”

COLLECTIVE GASP.

obviously mr boss man won’t pay that kind of money.

so, as brain emphatically tells him, I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT.

conclusion:

as the goodfeathers sit on justice’s head, and bitch about jury duty,

The Man From Washinton asserts that brain’s claim that he is a mouse is preposterous.

good thing brain has xrays to prove it! they “clearly” define his “mouse skeleton!” wait a sec and he’ll grab them.

oh shit! where they go?

(”there really is only one conclusion here.” says a local doctor.

“this man is a mouse.”

“then i’m afraid the only conclusion here, doctor,”

“is that you have never seen these.”

“i trust this might keep you quiet.”

“it might.”)

(BRUH/???????????????) (if boss man is out here bribing people with lingerie, he could have tried that way before this got to court.)

egged on by the lack of evidence in Mouse Corner, christopher walken produces the artefacts from brain’s office cubicle.

“i ask you, when was the last time you heard of a mouse winning a bowling trophy?”

“ugh. pinky.”

“yes?”

turns out pinky is here because “they’re not covering this on court tv,” but does advise brain that “it’s a good thing they didn’t find the mechanical suit, eh, brain?”

oh shit.

“pinky, you must go to the office and get that suit from the kitchen closet. do you understand? if they find that we’re sunk.”

“oh! brain! you want me to help!”

off he goes!

fall mouse. bonk.

(he sneaks into the snack delivery.)

(poit.)

(unfortunately, he gets delivered straight to the vending machine.)

(”narf? ):”)

“well. yes. i had noticed his... small, furry head, but i assumed that was normal for his people.”

“and what people would that be.”

“i’m not sure? i think they’re from europe?? maybe france.”

“the size of my head and whether i was a man before the accident is not the question, here. the fact is i am now a mouse.”

(meanwhile, at fiero:

“try the fruit rollups. they’re yummy.”

“oh, i am doing well. poit.”)

“so how exactly did the accident happen, mr brain?”

“some bizarre thing involving a microwave oven? i don’t know exactly-- no one really knows how they work.”

“incorrect! in the oven, a magnetron produces microwaves which cause water molecules to align, and reverse alignment, producing heat, and not mice.”

“the accident also involved a.... nondairy powdered creamer.”

“ah. um. oh.”

(meanwhile,

pinky attempts to drive.)

“mr brain, in your experience with other mice, are they intelligent?”

“no.”

“exactly. your honour, i contend that mr brain is simply too intelligent to be a mouse.”

oh dear.

(meanwhile,

pinky tries not to get hit by a car.)

“but-- no, noo, i’m not intelligent.”

“i am a simpleton! yes. like any average mouse!”

“um. narf.”

that’s mean, brain, considering the aforementioned narf is on his way to save your gay little ass right now, but whatever.

“so you would have no problem with me saying that albert einstien was a champion surfer.”

“what-- i mean, no.”

“or that the temperature of the sun is a comfortable seventy degrees fahrenheight.”

“i wouldn’t know--”

“or that the fermi-dirac’s distribution function is a soup kitchen?”

“that’s preposterous! your honour, the fermi-dirac's function is, for any system of identical fermions in equilibrium,”

“the probability that a quantum state of energy -- E -- is occupied!”

“my word, man! don’t you know your quantum statistics!”

heck.

bonk.

“oh, blunder.”

and what a blunder indeed! the judge decides to rule that brain’s intelligence proves that he is “not a mouse, and that being the basis for your claim, i now dismiss charges against fiero and company.”

“.....very well. i’ll go now.”

“i’m afraid not. i find you guilty of fraud, perjury, and appearing naked in a public place. take him away.”

good thing they have human man sized handcuffs for this human man! brain looks incredibly perturbed, despite the fact he could probably swim in them. and also that he... kind of lives in a prison anyway, if you think about it. oh, cool, can’t wait to evade that cage so i can go live in my other cage.

hm.

luckily, pinky arrives to save us all from that particular moral quandry.

“i got the suit, brain! i got it!”

“pinky--”

the police attempt to intercept pinky,

so he knocks them over. hoo hoo.

brain falls over,

attempts to enter the suit through the shoe,

and is squoshed for his crimes.

faced with a veritable army of police, at this point,

pinky activates the emergency protocol,

says blue lives scatter,

and fucks off out of the courthouse.

we stan a legend.

unfortunately brain got a fair few ouchies during his prison break, so pinky bandages him up. it’s very cute.

anyway, i’m giving this one to brain, on account there were, yknow, a fair few ways that could have been mitigated. fiero fucked him over, though, so i’ll give him that.

brain: 5 ½ pinky: 6 ½ outside influence: 10

 “egad, brain! brilliant!”

“but isn’t that horribly illegal?”

“............yes.”

[piracytheorist]

My Notes on Rewatching “Call Girl”

I amuse myself by thinking that watching this film is an important rite of passage for anyone who’s an all-in Colin fan, as in, one who’ll watch anything and everything he’s in, no matter the content, theme or quality.

I actually used to think that this was a pretty bad movie... but, as you might have seen from my last few posts, I recently realized this isn’t the case. Sure, it is not your average short film, but breaking it down you realize it’s doing most things right from a filmmaking point. I mean, you don’t have to love it, but it does a great job overall.

And I mean, it’s got Colin in it. How bad can it be? ;)

Beware of spoilers, if you haven’t seen the film. And if you do wanna see it, here it is :D

~

I'm still surprised that... this is it. That's Colin freaking O'Donoghue right there. The pirate. The cowboy. The astronaut. The man the myth the legend.

Ah, early 00's.

Wait. Ok let's make a breakdown of the decoration here. There's: 1) a heart anatomy poster 2) a frame with an undiscernible picture 3) IS THAT AN ASTRONAUT FIGURE? dun_dun_dun.mp3 4) a small penguin (?) plushie with a nautical (?) hat on it 5) are those... mantis figurines stuck on the sides of the screen????

Oooooh boy you sure have some very specific decorations on your desk.

The music stops abruptly when Brendan's mother calls out to him to not close the door because she wants to see him studying. That's interesting. Also how old is Brennan supposed to be? Is he supposed to be in high school, or an adult in college? What was the age of consent in Ireland in 2003?

This vibe, though. White perfect shirt and dark vest...

The look of "I'm gonna look at hot girls with my bedroom's door open while my parents argue across the hall" ALSO YES THAT'S A MANTIS

This just makes me laugh so much. Can you imagine sweet innocent (mostly) virgin Brendan typing it and his heartbeat skyrocketing?

Seriously though, that "Welcome back Brendan" thing. With one small addition you add a whole point in his backstory about him trying to deal with his urges.

Jesus I have forgotten so much. As soon as Brendan hears his mother coming, he immediately clicks "Dump her" on the "Virtual Babe" and it just... explodes. 

With a full low-quality boom sound effect to boot. Like seriously if you were trying to hide why the f have your speakers on. You had one job, Brendan.

A rare glimpse into Brendan's room, and I'm trying to understand what the pattern on his sheets are. Maybe I'm just confused by the astronaut figurine, but it looks... vaguely... about space? Like, if you squint, the circular thing on the top left looks like Saturn's rings. No?

Also, Brendan's mom being obsessed with disinfection. That was 2003.

"I don't want filth getting into my house while I'm gone." And two hours later, her son has sex on her bed.

Oh wait, his father says "The only contact [Brendan] has with the outside world is through that bloody computer of his," in a... weird, tone? Like he's trying to placate the mother's fears of any rave party suddenly taking place in the house, but also with his tone (and maybe by using the word "bloody"? idk I'm no native speaker but it piques my interest) it doesn't seem like he's very... understanding and/or supportive of his probably very shy and/or socially awkward son.

Mom: That reminds me, block off the internet, will you? Dad: *scoffs* Why not lock him in a tower while you're at it?

He is sassy though!

Lookit him though! So sad he won't be able to create and look at Virtual BabesTM while his parents are gone.

The parent's accents strike me more towards a British one and I got confused for a bit, but then I remembered that we see Brendan use euros later, lol.

*hatching the plan to search in his father's briefcase for any cards for escort services*

This is where I started feeling that this movie is better than I’d remembered. Like, it does the job of delivering Brendan's guilt over "tresspassing" into his parents room and disobeying his mother, as well as his fear of being discovered, even though he watched his parents drive away, so he'd hear the car if they came back, in a pretty well-done and clear way.

I love how he immediately knows exactly where to look. His father's such an organized fella. Also those pills that he seems to not need immediately (thus leaving them behind for the weekend) are... something. They're put there for a reason and I wonder what that could have been.

There's not even a moment of hesitation, once he opens the briefcase. He doesn't put the card back in, he only looks briefly at his parents' photo but then he's like "Yeah. I'm doing it."

That smile as he sees the card though, lol. 

Casual reminder to have safe sex, lads.

And then the phone operator is like, full business mode. Brendan stutters for one (1) second and she's immediately like, "You want a girl?" She's like, I've had tons of people like you, lad, can't waste my time waiting until you find the courage to ask. You wanna hire or not?

OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED The operator asks for the address, Brendan gives it, then asks how much does it cost. Then the operator says "Same as usual." BRUH she knew the address from how often his father used the service!

And then poor Brendan checks his savings and his "Uh..." says it all about how he wishes he could hire someone for longer than an hour. Bro, calm down. It's your first time.

And then he's like, waiting all anxiously by the door. I've never hired an escort service but I feel ya dude.

And of course Barbara the nosy neighbor, here to bring us to the edge of our seats, lol.

Look at how organized their fridge is. Why is that chick suddenly so eager to cook something for him? There looks to be so much food already prepared in there.

And dude. This movie has set-ups. Barbara tries to open a cupboard to like pick up ingredients to cook something, and Brendan, with a sudden "No!" rushes in and closes it. It only makes sense later, when we see that that's where he hid the money for the call girl.

Yikes she booped his nose as she left... what is he, ten? I mean even if he's supposed to be a teen here it's still... like... he's not a little boy to fucking boop his nose. No wonder her mother seems to trust her with taking care of him, with how both treat him like he's a child.

Hi there! You're gonna die :D

Shit I just noticed the portrait on the wall. Is that a... is that a fucking ruff collar his mother is wearing???? (btw I had to search to find that term with "shakespeare collar" XD)

I mean... you can't help falling for it. At first you're like, she seems too... simple for a call girl. But then you're like, who else could it be who also knows his name?

I wonder what would've happened if she hadn't asked to use the bathroom, which prompted her to look at his parents' bedroom and him to... initiate contact. Would he have mustered the courage to actually ask her about it or would he have been so flustered until she'd say something? What would she say? "You know, your mother said you would [something]" and he would FREAK THE FUCK OUT because how does his mother know? Would they have stayed there in awkward silence long enough for his mother to call, him to pick up and find out what she was really there for?

I mean, look at that! I'm speculacting the "what-ifs"! Good fucking movie!

That look, though. You suddenly go from "Aw you cute" to "WTF I know you're thirsty for it but that's... creepy"

Look at that smile, though! She is pretty nosy!

I just... I love everything about this. The way she's smiling at nosing in in her boss' bedroom. Him creeping behind her like the future killer that he is, actually scaring her. The way he says "This is my mother's room," so shy and collected. The fucking music, too. How it slowly builds up from the moment she spots the bedroom and it starts developing when Brendan kisses her.

And that kiss. So chaste and shy and yet she's like, wow yeah let's have sex now.

"You're not as shy as you look." LOL

For the pre-sex scene I just wanna link y'all to @killian-whump 's post about it, since it says it all.

Also dude the voicemail is set up from that moment too, but we've yet to hear what it includes, aside from his mother being bossy about the smallest things. "I hope you haven't gone back to bed." IF ONLY YOU KNEW. Not only what bed he's gone to, but also what he's doing on said bed.

"You don't waste much time, do you?" Lol if only you knew. And again his first response is to apologize if he did anything wrong.

And you know what? Plot twists are a hell of a lot of fun and well made when they make you go back and see things with the new perspective. Like, how chill and simple she was, why she said the last line I mentioned, the newly-known reasons why she said it was kinky to have sex in his mother's bedroom... *slams hand on table* That's a great way to do a plot twist! A fucking plus!

Like seriously, this convo: B: Have you met my father? M: No, but a lot of the other girls have though.

Pre-plot twist viewer: Wow whAT how do you say it like that Post-plot twist viewer: Yeah makes sense

M: I think he gets sympathy from them, like, you know, cause his wife's such an old witch... *realizes* Oh, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said that! *more failed excuses and then THAT face*

And like, that's a bit inappropriate in any case but pre-plot twist you're like WTAF. And then you're like eh makes sense for frustrated employees to pity their bitchy boss' seemingly calm husband...

And there's that set-up from before. Job well done, film.

And then their argument about the money. Brendan being confused about the amount, Mandy saying she'll come back and speak to his mother about it...

Seriously though what if he'd found out the voicemail after he'd had sex and before the "confrontation"? Would he like, have sent her on her merry way with all the money and then had more sex with the actual call girl?

And then his instinct, to try and make sure his mother won't find out, is to fucking threaten the woman with a knife. Wow, a little too much, Brendan. And then his first instinct, when they're fighting, is to search and grab the knife and fucking stab her. Lbr though that's just baby Colin finding his call for playing messed-up characters.

Also how did she die so quickly. Guess I found one weakness in the plot XD

And now you're like Jesus he just murdered her but when Barbara comes a-knocking and he looks at her and exasperatedly calls her name, you're like... same, bro.

And the stupid bastard didn't even wash the blood off his arm. Like seriously, Brendan, either do a murder correctly or don't do it at all. At least you can't say he wasn't dedicated, bro sliced his own arm open. *pats head* you'll learn, my little murderous bean, you'll learn.

Brendan: I was doing the dishes. Barbara: Did your parents leave them for you to do? They must have left in a rush this morning.

Yes, Barbara, he can do the dishes, he's in an undetermined age between late teens and-

Barbara: They didn't even make their bed.

Wtf you nosy bitch.

See what I'm saying? Full character development for a character with like, two minutes of screentime.

And then the voicemail drops like an anvil. My first thought when his mother said that Mandy is nothing but trouble I was like "Yo look who's talking" but then I thought that... yeah she did creep in her boss' bedroom, actually had sex with her son in it, then pretty much talked dirt to him about her... I mean she definitely didn't deserve to die, but maybe his mother was a good judge of character for one (1) moment.

And then Lorraine appears.

And Brendan's like "Now I have money for like, three hours with her. Maybe I'll even convince her to help me hide the body too."

“OR MAYBE I’LL JUST KILL HER TOO.”

In conlusion, yup, I’m pretty glad I spent a good hour and a bit watching, analyzing, writing this review and screencapping this film. 10/10 would rewatch and review again.

[hearteyes-for-killmonger]

Part 13: Reversal

It could've been the fact that the bras were sensible and ordinary like something you'd buy from Dillard's, but something told you this store wasn't the one. "Excuse me, um, Pam? What do you think of this," you squint raising a full-cupped champagne pink satin bra to the female employee. She tosses her orangish hair, studying the the underwire.

"Foooor..?"

"A special night," you smile, "Not saying that anything is going to happen, but if it does.." you pause realizing how hopeful you sound. "I'm just trying to prepare myself for the possibility that maybe..," you chuckle, "Ughh, neverm-"

"Oh hun, if you're this shy about sex, you're not ready. Save it for your honeymoon and dodge the bullet.. while ya still can," she whispers and her southern accent is so thick you can hear the yeehaw. It's slower than you're used to.

"Honeymoon," you scoff, "Yeah sure, as soon as I locate a decent male who's faithful and actually wants a relationship." She nods and you comtinue, "They're like unicorns. My best friend is the closest thing to it, but our relationship is confusing and there's a lot of people involved. He's honest about it, but still. I need what I need.

"You're a one horse girl," she nods.

"Exactly! And he's so irritating, petty, and bossy, not to mention immature, and a habitual smartass. He's literally an asshole," you scowl recounting the things he's done to piss you off. "He's infuriating," you seethe before releasing the most annoyingly hopeless sigh. "...I think I love him."

"Sounds like my second husband," she mutters, lost in thought. Her light blue eyes peer off as if recalling an pleasant moment from the past. "Ralph. Hell on earth to live with but when he passed, I missed that old bastard.

"I'm sorry," you say respectfully lowering your head to offer your condolences.

"Don't be," she leans in, "I poisoned him. Snake cheated on me with my sister, Debbie. Still, other than the infidelity and the mess he left through the house, he was a peach." You nod, unsure of how to respond and she writes her name and number on a card. "You know what, honey, take my info and keep in touch. I hope this man doesn't cheat on you like Ralph did me, but if anything should happen.. You call Pamela. We'll make it look like an accident," she winks, tapping your chin like a white auntie.

You've yet to buy anything. You aren't in a shopping mood and as you wander through various stores, feelings up fabrics.. it all looks like a blur of color. Suddenly, you spot a couple of black women walking together with large bags in their hands. They seem to be your age and they're dressed in hip, trendy styles. An idea hits you and immediately your feet move in their direction.

"Hi... i'm sorry this is like really weird, but would you two mind lending me some fashion advice since you two look stunning?" You're still not willing to let Erik convince you that you're tacky. You simply don't go the extra mile, choosing comfort and simplicity. Theres a difference.

"Umm.. sure," the one with the top knot stares quizzically while the one with the short twists is visibly flattered by your comment. "We can help.. what's your budget look like," Top Knot asks and you know Erik is good for whatever you spend, but you still want to spend reasonably. He's not an ATM and if it was your money.. tuh. "I need several outfits including shoes and lingerie and they need to look amazing. I will splurge on the cost if it's worth it." You pull out his card and their eyes light up. "That's a black card," the one with short twists points, stating the obvious.

"It's my friend's. He wants me to look nice," you say returning the card to where you had it.

"Friend.. Right. Why does this friend want you to buy lingerie," Twists asks, her expression knowing. You nod knowing that they have you pegged. "Issa sugar daddy," Top Knot screeches.

For a second you go mute, and though you don't want to say too much about the nature of your relationship, you feel the need to explain yourself. "He's not my sugar daddy! We do have an arrangement, but it's not--"

"Don't care," Twists shrugs, "It's not that deep. You want the lingerie?" It was that simple.

From store to store and from floor to floor, you're pulled and pushed through the mall by these two women who are having the time of their lives, it seems, playing dress up with you as the living doll. You've been stripped down and redressed with clothes of all dollar points thrown at you more times than you care to count! By this time, you've learned that their names are Ava and Toni and they've been friends for a year. They're also really nice, but that could be because of the money.. Maybe, maybe not.. Food at the Japanese Grill is on you regardless as a thank you.

"So more on the sugar daddy," Ava, the topknot, prods once you all get your food.

"He's not my sugar daddy! ..Honestly, I feel like we're on the verge of something. I like him.. a lot. I know he likes me. Not exclusively, but he does."

"So he's disloyal," she asks, "Commitment issues?"

"Not really. He's honest about everything he does, it's in the open. I knew it before we started anything."

"What's the issue then, like, why are you hesitant," Toni asks, gesturing to the area surrounding you.

"Fear. Insecurity. Stupidity," you shrug. The list goes on. "Although the longer I'm around him the more I see that he can be trusted. It's irrational what I'm doing, but it's like I can't stop. I withdraw almost every time he comes near me."

"You need to stop otherthinking yourself out of dick and let him bless you is what it sounds like. Do you not want him," Ava asks.

"No, I do. I really do," you admit. "I literally think about it- HIM all the time." Oh God.. they smile catching your faux pas. Now you have to explain again. "...If you saw him you'd understand."

"Do you have a picture," Toni grins. You remember the photo you snapped when he was peacefully asleep in his bed.

"Damn," Toni takes the phone, staring closely. "Yeah you TRIPPIN trippin. Give him to me," Ava says grabbing the phone. It's attack of the thirst.

"He looks better in person," you grin.

"He got friends? Shid, keep in touch, we want an update."

After a peptalk, they saved your number and when you parted ways, you knew you were going back to that hotel room equipped with the tools that would make Erik eat his heart out.. and maybe something else too, crossing your fingers.

---

"Stop here and park behind this building," Erik muttered, gesturing with his chin to an abandoned property that Rell pulled into and parked the car behind.

"What now," Rell sighed turning off the car.

"You keep an eye out for activity. We keep contact with Sawyer and wait till sundown to light the place up. Which RV did he say the target was in," Erik groaned reclining in his chair. He was all too happy to catch up on some much needed rest.

"He couldn't get close enough to tell without blowing his cover."

Erik sighed, rubbing his face down to his beard in irritation. Did he have to think of everything? "Tell Sawyer to put on a fuckin headband, get a dog, and chase it into the RV park. Then scope the place and if he looks suspicious.. say he's searching for his lost dog, Shakespeare or some stupid shit. White people are weird, they do questionable shit all the time. They'll believe it because they're used to it."

"...Kill? That's the dumbest plan you've ever come up with, bruh. You gone send a yankee and an innocent animal into a den of redneck hell to get shot up like a junkie."

"..the fuck up," Erik gritted staring Rell down. "Tell him do it."

Sundown came too soon ending Erik's rest, but he opened his eyes ready to go with more energy. According to Sawyer, the target was in the second to last RV across from the wooden cross sprouting from the ground across the field. Sawyer had watched the park for hours and the man hadn't left. There was barking in the background.

"I can't believe that stupid shit worked," Rell mumbled shaking his head, incredulous.

"It's 'cause you black, Rell. We don't have the luxury of ignorance when it comes to our safety. Suspicion is engraved in us as a survival reflex... Let's move in."

The car returned to the road. Only Erik could convince Rell to drive straight through the small park. Rell was scared, but Erik wished a milk faced bitch would try to shoot at him. It'd be the last thing they did. "Let's do this," Erik whispered walking off toward the specified RV. He knocked on the door like a neighbor asking for sugar would. No answer came. He tried to peer inside the windows. No luck, but Sawyer said he was in there.

Something didn't sit right. It was too quiet. His spidey senses were tingling. He put his ear to the door and listening carefully. Tick tick tick tick. Speeding toward the car, he jumped in. "LET'S GO," he yelled slamming the door and looking back toward the exit. Rell swerved around almost flipping the car on its side to get out of the park.

They barely escaped. The specified RV exploded and in a chain reaction, every trailer exploded. The entire park was on fire when they left the area. It was a setup. Erik was pissed. He hit the dashboard with almost enough strength to send the airbag flying. He was angry at himself and angrier at the situation. How could he have fucked that up so badly? It didn't make sense... and then suddenly.. it did. He didn't blink, pulling together the pieces.

"Who sent Sawyer," Erik asked cooly looking ahead.

"What you mean? We crossed paths. Sawyer is CIA.The target killed two CIA agents in a military grade weapons trade gone bad, they sent Sawyer to kill him."

"But you don't have a name," Erik asked.

"Yeah, wait.. He was brought in by... Shit...," Rell paused. "FUCK!"

Erik nodded, understanding. Rell had been fed a lie from Sawyer, assuming it to be the truth. It still wasn't clear how, but Sawyer was likely involved with the target.. and somehow also able to get in contact with Rell.

"I didn't know, I swear," Rell rushes, eyes wide, "Kill, nigga I wouldn't do you dirty." Erik nodded before whipping his gun and shooting him twice in the temple causing the car to spiral. He guided the car letting it crash so that he could climb out leaving Rell's body behind. Grabbing his weapons, he shook off the impact and began running at top speed in the direction of another city.

"Guess we'll never know," he sighed as he stuck to the shadows. He was stealthy and knew how to stay out of the open, running where darkness and shadows were the heaviest. He ran like a nigga waiting to be flashed in Get Out.. from the explosive scene in the small town of Vidor to Beaumont to China about 25 miles out before calling up an uber to get him back to Houston.

---

Erik hadn't called so you texted him to see if he was doing okay and he texted that he was held up with work, but he was doing fine and not to wait up. That meant no sexy time and no lingerie tonight. You decided you'd ask him about how things went with his job whenever he returned and in the meantime, you hung up your new outfits, put away your shoes, and folded your lingerie into a drawer. You used your own card to go to one of the restaurants downstairs to order some dessert before retiring to the room and making a cup of coffee. It felt good to hang with Erik all morning and shop all day and then go to dinner with people you didn't work with. You'd been missing friendship, or at least the illusion of it, in your life. But today those two girls.. Ava and Toni.. and even Pamela from earlier.. they provided that sought after feeling... A feeling of not being alone in the world. You look to your phone seeing two new messages from two unknown numbers.

Hey girl it's Ava

Here's my number - Toni

Sitting on the bed with your ridiculously large slice of rich triple chocolate cake, you reply casually while flipping through channels watching whatever's on. You flip past the news reports of a large explosion in Vidor, Texas in favor of watching the Law & Order reruns, Riverdale, etc. It's no firestick, but you are chilling in a large bed in a nice hotel in Houston so there's really no need to complain. With that said, you feel a little restless. You text Erik again.

You: I went shopping like you suggested. Made two potential non-nigga friends. They helped me shop.

His reply is immediate and it surprises you.

Erik: Be safe. Don't go anywhere alone with them or alone period.

Erik: Happy for you.

Smiling, you hit him back.

You: I'm in the room eating cake.

To your shock, he calls.

---

Erik got to the hotel quicker than he thought he would, seeing red everywhere he looked.. Angry at himself, the situation, Rell.. He'd lost time, resources, his cleanup man, the target's trail.. and now he had two colonizers to locate and kill. His pride made him refuse to accept defeat. No. He'd find both of them eventually. He had to. This was his money and reputation on the line. He was so angry at the way things played out that he could kill and everyone who made eye contact with him in the hotel lobby made him wanna snap. Evil was on his mind and everyone around him looked like an enemy, except for Y/N. She'd kept texting him through the day to check on him and her presence was a constant reminder that he couldn't snap and go chasing after the targets for weeks like a relentless bloodhound. Not when he had her to take care of. Since he'd met her he'd tried to stay close to her. That's why Rell was such a huge help when he'd put his tracker skills to work or hire one. But now he was dead.

He responded to Y/N's texts ultimately calling her and of course they got into it. It seemed so silly.. the shit they argued about. Inconsequential, petty, pointless, and lighthearted. Though she was actually pissing him off a little, he was feeling a shift in his mood as if the darkness was lifting. Every time she spoke, he felt himself get lighter. He liked arguing with her. It was fun.

"Babygirl, why the fuck would you eat cake when you're about to sleep? Does that make any goddamn sense to you?" He cut off her response, "Hush. Do you know that when you eat a lot of sugar before bed, your blood sugar spikes and then crashes while your body releases hormones to try and bring the levels back under control?The swing in hormones and blood sugar levels can fuck up your sleep or even give you nightmares so go buy some water bottles and drink two."

"Not at $3.50 for one regular sized bottle," she laughed. "This hotel can get over on some other patron. I will walk to a Walgreens or CVS if I have to.. but tomorrow."

"Biiitch...," he dragged and he could see her raise your eyebrow through the phone. He wanted to see her reaction in person. He never used that word with her.

"Excuse you? You wanna run that by me again," she asked and he grinned feeling almost giddy. He hid the humor in his voice.

"Just buy the damn water and drink it, Y/N. I will give you ten dollars.. cheap muhfucka.."

"It's the principle," she stressed. "I could buy a 24-pack of water for about $10."

"BUY THE FUCKIN WATER," he yelled and she hung up on him. She hung up. She knew how much that irritated him. But it was cool. He turned around at the elevator to head to the gift shop. He had something for her.

---

Not fifteen minutes later do you hear the door click and see Erik storm in. He throws three water bottles at you in the bed and you flinch, yelling at him for almost knocking the last half of your cake off your lap and all over the bed.

He grabs the plastic container from you, closing it and snatches the covers from your legs jerking you out of the bed and across his lap, face up, where he cradles you like an infant. Cracking open one of the waters, he tilts the bottle to your lips wetting your chin and your grey t-shirt in the process. "Drink," he orders forcefully, his eyes on your face as you glare up at him.

"Get that out my face," you fight, pushing the water bottle in a move that soaks you and it's cold as the air hits it. He pushes the bottle back to your mouth holding it firmly where you can't move without it following.

"Drink or drown," he says holding your head still. With much irritation you're forced to drink until the bottle is empty and your stomach swells. "Good girl," he says opening the next one, "Open up." He forces your head back so that you chug the bottle gulp by gulp until it's empty. "You gone sleep well tonight because of me," he gloats.

"Fuck you," you grunt before the final bottle is attacking your face. Once you're free, you pull off your soaked shirt and put it in a bag meant for your used clothes. He snatches your leftover cake from the bed and from the corner of your eye you see him plop down and dig into it like he didn't just assault you for doing the exact same thing.

"I already have issues sleeping," he says with a mouthful of chocolate, reading your mind. "Nice bra," he adds.

"Shut up," you gripe climbing back into the bed with a different shirt on to lay down.

"Show me what you bought."

"You don't deserve to see it tonight. I might let you see tomorrow." Snuggling comfortably into your pillow on your side of the bed with your eyes closed, you feel his stare through your eyelids and when you hear the cake container close, you sneak a peak. Before you can move, he pushes you hard out the bed and you roll falling to the floor with a shriek. You all but jump to collect yourself from the floor. "Why are you so violent!"

"You ain't seen violent. Show me what you got, I won't ask again." He reopens the cake while you head to the small closet to pull a few of the outfits and lay them out over the bed.

"I need to see them on you," he says ignoring you and the outfits you laid out, preoccupied with the sweet chocolate cake. It has chocolate pieces shaped like tiny Hershey's kisses. "...To see if you need to take anything back. Put em on."

"Ugggggggghhhhh," you groan already having done the try-ons in the mall. Still, you take the first outfit into the bathroom. He pauses and his eyes go wide when you come out in the first ensemble, a black thigh-length lace dress with sheer lace sleeves and sheer cutouts in the bodice. Strappy black heels set it off and seeing his stuck expression, you do a spin pausing momentarily so that he can watch your booty. Ava and Toni both said it made your butt look great. They were right because that's exactly where his eyes fall. He's definitely shook. "Do I need to ask if you like it," you smirk and his eyes hesitantly flicker to yours, but then fall down to your titties which are sitting since you changed bras. His hand subconsciously finds his junk over the blanket and then moves as if it didn't just happen.

"Shit," he chuckles humorlessly.. still staring. "You should probably change.. back into something comfortable.. if you don't want something to happen to you tonight..."

His bottom lip looks extra heavy as it hangs until he picks it up to lick it. Something about that tongue.. It just does things to you. With a mild shiver, you walk to the drawer pulling one of the lingerie pieces you bought. You feel like pushing the envelope. Hopefully you'll get some head tonight! And if he liked the dress? Oh boy... You're laughing in your mind as you sneak it into the bathroom, his eyes trying to peek to see what you've got. When you reappear, his eyes are already trained on the door, waiting with the cake forgotten. It's not a second before he looks away, rubbing his face in his hand. He leaps to sit on the edge of the bed facing away, his face in his palms and you're thoroughly confused.

"You like?" Nothing. "Is that... a yes or a no...," you ask waiting for him to lather you with his attention. He won't even look. You have on a black and emerald green satin and lace bustier set with a black garter belt holding up sheer black thigh high stockings and the same black heels. "Erik," you call waiting on an answer. "ERIK."

"Gimme a minute, shit."

You stand there awkwardly waiting as the tv plays in the background until finally, he stands and walks slowly around the bed to stand in front of you. He's still looking down and not directly at you. "Whoa," you shout as his arm snakes between your thighs and you're hoisted sideways into the air by your thigh. He drops you onto the bed and as you bounce, he's still between your thighs pulling and ripping the lace of the panties. You're highkey pissed at this point because not only did you just buy them at his request.. they were costly and he hadn't even given his opinion. You push him attempting to slide away and sit up but he grips your thick calf pulling you right back down.

"You a fuckin tease.. Knowing damn well you ain't tryna get fucked tonight. What you want? Huh?" He pulls on your legs pushing back your thighs. "You want this tongue? Say it."

"I want that tongue," you whisper holding your own legs back. You'd been prepping and thinking about it all day. If you were honest... since the first time he did it. You just didn't have the courage to ask.

"Oh shit," he whispers awed and humored all at once. "My babygirl getting bold. You staring at my lips like you want something," he says licking his lips and his dimples pop.. something you'll never get tired of seeing. "Daddy can't hear you, babygirl. What you want?" You sigh. You're horny and you can't hide it nor do you want to.

"Please eat my pussy, daddy," you say a bit louder. He grins, his face dropping between your thighs. You feel his tongue trace your inner thighs and make its way to trace your outer lips before landing a kiss on your clit that's getting more and more swollen from stimulation and anticipation. You ask him again, a little louder. Speading you wide, he rubs his face all over your pussy and you moan feeling his mustache and beard prick at your flesh. You can hear him groan into your entrance, inhaling deeply and exhaling. Then he sits up calmly with a mellow look in his dark eyes.

"No," he says simply. He rolls over and turns the bedside light off before folding himself into his side of the bed. "Take that shit off before I fuck you into this mattress," he mutters. "Goodnight."

@muse-of-mbaku @imaginewhoever @whoramilaje @panthergoddessbast @thadelightfulone @misspooh @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @marvelpotterlove @youreadthatright @forbeautyandlife @theunsweetenedtruth @bidibidibombaclaat @myboyfriendgiriboy @dameshaemonique @blackpantherimagines @eriknutinthispoosy @mandapandas-blog @vikkidc @hidden-treasures21 @romanceoftheeveryday-blog @mysidefanting @allhailnjadaka @hold-me-like-a-heart-beat @syndrlla97 @winteroflife @thotyana-in-this-hoe @texasbama @gingerylimonte @princessstevens @magic-madness-heavensin @localtrapgod @taint3dvirgin @wawakanda-btch @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade @wakanda-inspired @blackgirloneshots @thegucciwaffle @shesfromwakanda @thiccdaddy-mbaku @ange-sensuel @drsunshine97 @purplehairgawdess @trevantesbrat @indigoxsummers @cccccx1 @dynastylnoire @iamrheaspeaks @blowmymbackout @fonville-designs

[ceejay1163]

The Teal* Bronco (*Turquoise)

First off I want to tag the amazing @aquadolan whose hilariously accurate reaction videos make me laugh cry every time I see them and makes me feel like we are experiencing the video together and having a laugh like a couple of mates despite being in opposite sides of the world.

Now for my reactions to 'Tricking my brother into thinking his car was flipped'

The ring mmhmmm just yes

The clapping tho? Not about it

Ethan has a shorter attention span then me and that's impressive

I did not pick the boys to like roller skating although they ice skate so it makes sense

Little bitch haha

I like the jumper. It looks fuzzy and cozy

How long did this take to plan? Honestly it seems like it would be taken forever

Roasting the matchingness to the car

He seems to actually be jealous that Gray's favourite car isn't the one he bought. That's adorable. Fuck I'm not even 2 mins into the video

And now the car is broken

Wait did I fuck up? Am I recording?

The gum Ethan. Eww for fuck sake mate don't be a pig.

'I have really bad attentional problems' yeah.. your English might need some work too

When's the last time I ate? -literally something I say most days

Roast him for dropping out of school and not remembering common phrases and sayings

Why do all Ethans pranks involve Graysons cars?

Also not wanting to say what time you wake up. Same

Laughing at yourself

I'm cool, I'm cool actually no I'm not

Groggy or drunk?

Slap. Pain kink anyone?

That damn projector

Air quotes

Did anyone understand the car mumbo jumbo? Like at all? Did anyone care?

Good job keeping a straight face Ethan. He won't suspect a thing.

Fun-ny

Why do boys turn everything into challenges? My nephews do it all the time

Full actor mode

Too many words in Google mate. Google doesn't care why you need a Photoshop artist

More air quotes. Except out of sync.

It's just a prank bro.

Bitter he can't go skating. Poor bubba

Morning voice half an octave lower. Yes please

Groaning. Thank you

I always end up falling asleep at least twice after waking up the first time before getting up. V relatable

Him jumping into bed to pretend to be asleep reminds me of being a kid and bolting through the house in the middle of the night after getting up to get a drink or something, trying to avoid monsters or waking up the parents

Jumpers with shorts?

He's got slippers. Awww

Realising a flaw in his plan when the car doesn't work.

Too many cars in the driveway

CRINGEY PHOTOS. WOO.

Fucking drama queen

That stupid photoshopped photo

Real us. Not actor mode us haha

Mr Dolan 😏

Doesn't analyze it too much. Good idea

He has such bloke-ish child like writing

The calf tattoo 🥺

Socks and slides Grayson? That's almost as bad as socks and sandals. Fucking hell

Love a man in light grey sweats

Run Ethan go back to bed. You're so grounded (idk)

He pulled Ethans hip so hard. Jesus

What is that bike thingy in the background?

WHO DOESN'T LOCK THEIR FUCKING CAR??? YOU FUCKING IMBECILE

Now Gray let's put on our big boy thinking caps. It's not Ethans fault. Entirely. You also didn't lock the fucking car

Booty 👀

Not knowing if you have insurance. Mate you should look into that. (Also a very me thing to not know)

Gray is loosing it. Like actually looks like he's gonna do the frustrated crying thing

"That's not chill you need to fix that." Pretty sure sleeping is pretty chill. Also how does one fix being a heavy sleeper (other then by having kids)

"You need to be able to wake up in the morning and get shit done" no need to call me out like that

Let me call the *mumble mumble mumble*

It's fucking turquoise- whelp fuck have to change the title

Who steals a turquoise car at 9am? He's loosing it

Awe he doesn't want people to get hurt. Cutie

Seriously why hasn't he called the police yet? When I got home from my nanas funeral to find my house broken into the first thing I did was call the cops. And then cry cos it was like 10pm and I'd just driven like 12 hrs so I was hella tired

He's V loud. And then V quiet.

You motherfucker. Ok rude but understandable

That sigh of relief and the laughter

All of the adrenaline just left Gray immediately. Also hiding under a blankie? adorable

"Where did you put it?" Immediately forgets haha

Did you ruin it and turn it pink or something? You're getting a rep E and why does Gray assume it would be painted pink?

The sound effect over Gray pulling up his pants to hide his plumbers crack 😂

You need to rub it out. I mean ok sure

"I kinked up bro" just why 😂

Slap. SPINNING. It's a theme park ride

You stole my car- Dude where's my car movie anyone?

Car upside down you say? Forshadowing

Grayson gives up on life.

Nope never mind he's dramatically throwing himself onto the bed and screaming into the blankets like a teenage girl

Also booty

FROG

Don't dance Grayson

It's all in the puff bro

Mr Dillon, not Dolan, Dillion

Grayson has left the building look

Nose boop

The eye movement. Wait you what?

Beard pulling

Give me the phone. No you are having the phone. Ok fine.

Intense eye contact for real tho

That dumbass look on his face. Grayson is shooketh to hell

Do they even understand any of this car mumbo jumbo? Does it even make any sense?

I don't know shit about insurance. Seriously dude that's not smart

MY CAR

That's not chill bro that's not chill at all. Putting them on a ban for the words chill and bro. More to be added. They use those words more then I use the word mate and that's impressive

I'm taking the phone and subtly suggesting human error (negligence) and a potential law suit

Oh you have footage? Talk to my older brother

I don't know much about cars. Dude

More stupid looks from Gray

I don't wanna see it

More screaming

More yelling Grayson

We can move your car but it's gonna cost you more money

Not falling for that pic

Just put it on the next one. Gray it's not a fucking bus. There's no schedule to have the next one come out. Use your head darlin'

More yelling in the car and swearing

How did he organise the street thing? Like actually.

Also surely it's illegal to pretend to have roadworks and fuck up traffic

VROOM. You go lil blue car

BULGE 👀 this is when I stopped paying attention the first time I watched it.

What is the camera guy (kyle?) wearing? Who said that be one were allowed to be a thing again? I'm not impressed

Grayson is v frustrated

DON'T LITTER

Neither of you should be allowed to dance. Its not good

That's the wrong question to ask about the camera guy's clothes

Fist clap

Wait where's the car? Is it safe? Poor Gray his brain is malfunctioning

Camera goes to Grayson. Ooh look bulge. Pans away. Move back ooh bulge.

If they keep upping the ante someone's gonna get hurt

I don't know what's inside of me. Never a good thing to say

Still allergic to dogs 🥺

HOLY SHIT THAT HAPPENED

I haven't heard you scream that much for that long 👀

Grayson's pretty loud. I would like to test that. Please and thank you.

Deep breathing

SOOOO HARD. (I volunteer)

I am going to prank the actual s out of Ethan. Really taking the not swearing thing seriously huh

Sure whatever you say. He doesn't believe you'll get him back Gray. Kick his ass

Bruh

Eric deserves a medal for his phone acting. Well done faceless dude named Eric

I give up. I give up on everything. If that's not a fucking mood

Double bitched sounds like it should mean something else. Just saying

Boob caress

My guard's up. No your guard can't be up. Pretty sure that's not how it works Grayson

Just don't hurt me. Grayson is so not listening to him. He's still mad

No rules

It was fake There's no rules

Ethan being hurt Gray doesn't love his present

Still mad.

Rubs sweat all over comfy jumper. Childish

HE STILL LOOKS FUCKING LIVID.

Alrighty take three of finishing this thing. Tumblr crashed yesterday after I spent like 2 hours writing this and deleted half my comments. I couldn't finish it then cos it was almost 2am and I had work today so I redid it from like the 20 minute mark of the video. Then I saved it to my drafts And published it but it deleted the last like 5 minutes of comments so I had to redo them again. Here's hoping Tumblr sorts it's shit out cos it's late and I have work again tomorrow. 🐨

[romaniassexdungeon]

Shattered Romanticism of a God - chapter 9

Pairings: SuFin, NedDen,

Vidar - Norway // Tolli - Iceland // Luca - Luxembourg // Adriaan - Netherlands // Gunner - Denmark

Sorry this is late. I'm a slow dumbass. I would like to try to keep this updated regularly, though, as it has a whole load of support and I feel bed when I can't update due to being a sleepy bitch. There's some dumb jokes in here, but no funny business. Hope you enjoy.

Read on AO3

Vidar would make a good manager.

He was cunning, ruthless and incredibly intelligent, and the music industry had no idea of the storm that was coming. He could and would calculate his way to success, using whoever he needed, and dumping them in the gutter when they’d outlived their use. He was a filthy, greedy man who would probably meet his end at the guillotine, but at least he’d be swimming in money and power until the end. He would drag the Screaming Pagans to the top, or burn everything trying.

At least, that was what Gunner said in his tipsy pre-drinks speech.

He slapped his cousin on the shoulder, laughing heartily as he pulled him into a one-armed hug. “We’ll be getting bookings every week now!”

“No pressure then,” muttered Tolli, standing next to Tino.

The Screaming Pagans, Tino, and Tolli were crowded in Berwald and Gunner’s main room, all a couple of glasses of wine into what promised to be a night of drinking. And dancing. And acting like idiots.

Eduard, for some reason, had turned down his own invitation. Something about not wanting to babysit drunk Tino, and having a date of his own. Unfortunately, he’d refused to say more on the subject. No matter how much Tino asked and pleaded and teased about his date actually being his hand.

For the first time ever, Eduard hadn’t risen to the bait, so Tino had to suspect he really did have a date. Well, good for Eduard! Internet explorer-chan body pillow or real woman, it was an improvement.

He wasn’t a big clubbing guy, anyway. But, neither was Berwald, now that he thought about it. Was he dreading it? Tino shuffled over to him and took his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Berwald almost smiled back.

“Trinity is the best place in town,” Gunner insisted, lining them all up outside the club of his choice.

“That’s it, you’re officially old,” Tolli rolled his eyes, “to anyone born this century, it’s Club Galaxy. They’re the best, and they’re a student bar so drinks are cheaper. Also it’s my uni bar so I get things for extra cheap.”

“You go there too?” asked Luca, beaming like he'd found a new ally.

“Their music’s too loud,” Gunner whined, proving Tolli’s point. “You can’t talk to people! And their beer's bad.”

“Drink vodka, then,” said Vidar, “don’t be a pussy.”

“No thanks. I don’t like the taste.”

“Costs more to get blackout drunk.”

“What makes you think that’s what I want? Maybe I just want a couple beers and a relax?”

Vidar flicked him on the ear affectionately. “Because I know you.”

“I’m not gonna get stupid. This time. Maybe. You’re no fun.”

“Don’t bully him,” Gilbert whined, “just cause we’re old, doesn’t mean we can’t have fun.”

“I’ve felt old since 17,” Tino commented, only within earshot to Berwald. “Or at least, my back does.”

Berwald nodded in agreement.

“You’re all old and embarrassing,” muttered Tolli. "Why do I spend time with you?"

Vidar shrugged. "Can't make friends your own age?"

“I’m cool,” Gunner pouted, “I smoke and fuck!”

“I gave you one toke and you almost choked, cried, then asked to go to the hospital,” said Adriaan, raising his eyebrow.

“No comeback for the fucking thing, I see.” Gunner flicked his nose, “also you charged for every puff. You're literally the worst.”

“I refuse to believe you fuck,” said Vidar, “not having a proper job really leaves you swimming in cock, especially when you take them home and show them your Lego model collection.”

“Did I fucking ask? I have a real job, and some people still have a childish side. Surely your girlfriend isn’t completely boring, right? She gotta have a childish side.”

“Nope.”

“Really? Not even a little?”

“She likes gross, sexual jokes, like some 12 year old, but generally no.”

Gunner blinked. “Huh. Wasn’t expecting that. Does she collect stuff? Everyone collects stuff, right? You know, I really do think she's a robot.”

“Ornamental knives.”

“Bruh, that’s so hot. Does she ever… use them? On you?”

Vidar looked at him. “I’m not answering that.”

“Are we talking about kinks?” asked Tino excitedly.

Gilbert winced. “And other things not beneficial to my relationship with the lord.”

“I wanna talk about kinks too!” Luca clapped his hands excitedly.

“Like the person saying your name?” suggested Tolli, to Vidar’s horror.

“You’re way too young to-”

“I’m eighteen, shitlips, I’ll talk all I want.”

“I used to be into the name thing,” Gilbert commented, “I dunno, it seemed nice, like your own hypeman. Except then the last 8 people said my name was too dumb to shout out in a sexy way.”

Gunner raised an eyebrow. “And by 8 people, you mean…”

“Two. But it really, really hurt my feelings.”

Tino burst out laughing. “Oooh, my turn!”

“No!” Vidar covered his mouth, “we haven’t got all night.”

Tino wondered if it was his imagination, or if Berwald looked a little disappointed at that. Did he want to know what Tino was into? Tino wanted to know what he was into, even if it was just holding hands under the moonlight, he’d be happy to indulge.

Though if Berwald was into feet, Tino was telling him to fuck off right now. Some weirdo kept sending him emails asking for feet pics and it honestly unnerved the hell outta him. He hoped it was just Vidar playing a prank on him.

Email weirdo was offering 1100 krona, though. Seemed like easy money, if Tino was 20% poorer and had 5% less dignity.

Why did his mind go to these places?

And now he’d missed whatever it was Luca had said to make everyone else start protesting and kinkshaming in horror.

“I just like the mask! And the lead!” Luca was defending, “I don’t actually want to be a dog!”

“Haha! Furry!” Gunner pointed and laughed at him. Adriaan bristled.

“What’s wrong with that?”

Gunner looked at him. “You made your brother a furry, didn’t you?”

“Good taste runs in the family.”

“I have never seen a fursona’s colour scheme that could be described as ‘good taste’.”

Adriaan reeled like Gunner had just punched him in the face. Luca looked like he was about to faint.

“Gunner,” began Tino, “how would you know unless you’ve seen multiple fursonas? Are you involved in the community?”

“You’re banned from writing about us, Väinämöinen. Not if you’re gonna be exposing us like that.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being a furry,” said Tolli, “except to everyone who picked on me in high school apparently.”

“Because you wore your fursuit to school every day,” Vidar pointed out. “And you were fourteen and refused to wear deoderant.”

“So you’re the guy who gives us all a bad name?” asked Luca. “Tolli!”

“I was a different person then!”

“Am I the only person in the band who isn’t a furry?” asked Gilbert.

“M’not a furry,” Berwald mumbled.

“I’m not in the band,” added Tolli.

“Also I’ve rped with your brother on furaffinity,” said Adriaan, "Lud's fursona is a German shepherd into BDSM."

Gilbert started banging his head against the wall. “I really wish we were inside and I didn’t have to listen to you people.”

“The music isn’t as loud, though,” Tolli pointed out, “you could still hear us.”

“It’s loud enough for me to escape!”

“Okay, just be on your best behaviour,” said Gunner, “we’re advertising the Screaming Pagans too, remember.”

“That why you’re all wearing band t shirts?” asked Tino, wishing he’d worn his, too, even if he wasn't a band member. He liked fitting in, which was a little tricky, given how weird he was.

“Yeah, it was Vidar’s idea,” Gunner affectionately punched his cousin on the arm.

“Even though no one can read the band name because it looks like a pile of twigs?”

All five members of the Screaming Pagans, and new manager Vidar, looked down at their shirts in disappointment. Berwald looked so heartbroken Tino wished he’d said nothing.

“Hey, we’re in,” Luca pulled Tolli forward, striding past the bouncer with a sweet smile. After getting his hand stamped, Tino followed, holding Berwald’s arm when he started looking nervous. Maybe it was growing up with Eduard, but he tended to feel protective of introvert friends, even though he was something of an introvert himself. Dad instincts, or something.

He only had vague memories of Trinity, but the glowing purple lights did seem familiar. He’d thrown up in the bathroom here. Luca ran over to the bar to order shots, knocking them down with absolute glee, and Tino decided to join him. Berwald, like his cousin, tended to opt for beer, ordering one and sitting at a table in the corner. Tino and Vidar ended up joining him for an hour or so, getting progressively more drunk and watching their friends be stupid.

“Since when were those two together?” asked Tino, watching Gunner hump Adriaan like an overly excitable dog. Adriaan, for his part, actually seemed to be enjoying it, and kissed his cheek with more affection than Tino had ever seen him use, even with his family.

Berwald shrugged, staring at the two in what must pass for bewilderment with his face.

“You didn’t know?” asked Tino.

“Nah. S’plains a lot, though.”

“Like why Gunner’s always at his place?”

Berwald grunted.

“Do you think they’re good together?”

He shrugged. “Guess. Been best friends forever.”

“I don’t know how they put up with each other,” added Vidar, “but they do.”

“I think they’re sweet.” Tino watched Adriaan try to pick Gunner off the ground, then promptly give up and let him carry on trying to do the worm. It was more like a worm dipped in bleach, from what Tino could see, but at least it was less horrifying than what he’d been doing before.

When he finally looked away, Gunner had been doing the macarena to euphoria.

“Wanna dance?” he asked Berwald, who squirmed.

“Hey, you’re probably not as bad as me,” he reassured him, “come on. Just for a bit. One song, then we’ll sit back down.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Berwald nodded and let Tino lead him to the dance floor. He swayed awkwardly to the music, still holding Tino’s hands as he danced wildly out of tune, shaking his cheeks like a baby in a lion’s mouth. He cared little for those around him, and how many people were within range of his iron hips.

The terrible dancing did seem to amuse Berwald, but Tino could tell the blaring music was overwhelming him. He dropped it low, touched his face gently and took his hand, leading him outside for a moment. Out in the crisp, night air, Berwald looked a lot happier.

“Want to stay out here for a bit?” asked Tino, face softening. Berwald nodded, but he still looked uneasy.

“Want to stay out here forever?” he added gently, “or go home and drink instead?”

Berwald nodded again, significantly more enthusiastic. Tino rubbed his back until he was ready to make a move, giving Vidar a quick text to explain the situation. Then, he lead Berwald down the street.

“Want more beer?” he asked once they came across a corner shop. Tino picked a bottle of vodka for himself. A small one, so he wouldn’t get too stupid. And maybe seduce Berwald in a normal, acceptable manner. Maybe he’d think Tino was cute and smart and handsome and someone definitely worth dating. Except he wasn't cute! What was he saying?

Berwald nodded awkwardly, and Tino grabbed a six pack he’d seen him drink before. Not that he was paying attention to Berwald’s every preference and mood, despite the lack of facial cues to help with that.

Berwald insisted on paying, even though Tino’s drink was more expensive. He explained he and Gunner had gotten new jobs, just to tide them over and keep them housed until the band took off. Tino’s heart ached at the thought of them not being able to live their dreams yet; they had the talent, they just needed the chance.

Maybe Vidar really could get them there.

They had to be careful, as they stumbled through the streets - drinking and singing out of tune - that they didn’t run into any police officers who would take their alcohol. And maybe fine them if they were feeling particularly mean.

“Have you ever tho- thought about writing a song about corp- corp. Rich companies. And rich people.”

Berwald watched him try and get his sentence out in amusement. Tino, meanwhile, stepped onto a low wall to try and be eye-level with the man. He still wasn’t.

Berwald nodded. “Migh’ do. Call 'em out fer being evil.”

“Yeah, of course.” He stumbled, and Berwald steadied him, “just throwing out ideas. You see what sticks.”

He smiled. “Thanks.”

“What are you working on? Song-wise.” He wished Berwald would work on him. What did that even mean?

“Tryna find an angle,” he shrugged, “like, somethin’ unique.”

“Like the viking stuff?”

Berwald nodded. “Somethin’ else too. Lotta bands do the viking stuff.”

Tino nodded and thought for a while. “Right. Something to set you apart from other indie bands... Huh, you like Eurovision?”

“Course I do. M’Swedish.”

“What about metal covers of Eurovision songs? But, like, the weird ones. Who wouldn’t want a metal cover of dancing lasha tumbai?”

Berwald snorted. “Serious ‘nes too. Heroes m’tal version? Wanna do it.”

“Can I be the tiny LED boy who flies off with a balloon?” asked Tino.

“Mm! Please!”

“Although, as much as I love this idea, you know what’s better than metal covers of Eurovision?”

“Hm?”

“Actually sending metal songs to Eurovision.”

Berwald nodded. “Hung’ry’s got the right idea.”

“Hey! We did it first!”

He smirked. “They did it better.”

“You’ve literally covered Lordi! You ever covered AWS?”

“Dun member,” he mumbled childishly. Jokingly. Bastard.

“I was there. It was the first time I saw you perform?”

“Can’t recall.”

“It was night of the loving dead !”

“ Raise h’ll in heaven , actually.”

“How wasted was I? Also ha! You admitted it!”

Berwald gave a hum. He might’ve been a little too drunk. “M’ybe so. Hey, Tino?”

“Yeah?”

He came to a halt, then began singing in his beautiful, low voice. “ Sieben, Sieben, ai lyu lyu, Sieben, Sieben, ein, zwei, Sieben, Sieben, ai lyu lyu, ein, zwei, drei .”

Tino didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or shrivel up in cringe; Berwald's voice did not match the song at all, and his body had no idea how to react. He was completely in love. “Dude, marry me, but, like platonically,” he added quickly.

Berwald looked at him strangely, then took his hands and swung them from side to side. “Tanzen!”

“Ich liebe!” He gave a little jump.

Tino almost fell off his wall, and Berwald grabbed him by the waist. He spun him around, growling in his ear, “I want to see, lasha tumbai.”

“I want to see! Lasha tumbai!”

“Rock 'n roll angels bring thyn hard rock hallelujah, demons and angels all in one have arrived!”

Tino snuggled up to him, and his body felt a little colder after Berwald put him down.

“C’me on,” Berwald took his hand, “lets get back to- back to- um.”

“Your place?”

He nodded sheepishly.

“Has anyone ever told you how handsome you are?” asked Tino, tripping over the coat stand. Berwald steadied him gently, and Tino cuddled his arm in response, with no intention of letting go. “And you have nice arms. They’re… good-shaped. Shapey. Hard.” He traced his fingers over Berwald’s hand, over the veins and rough knuckles and all the little nicks in his fingertips. “Good hands... good, strong hands.”

Berwald, for his part, seemed to be trying his best not to laugh. That was fair; Tino’s entire life was a cringe compilation his cousins were slowly putting together.

“Do you make things?” asked Tino, “you should. You have creative...ing hands.”

“I whittle,” he mumbled.

”Of course! Good whittle hands! You can make things!”

“Helps with nerves,” he admitted.

“It’s sad you have troubles with nerve. Stupid nerves. You’re so amazing and beefy and smart and handsome and you can do anything.”

“Got nerf’d with anxiety.”

He smiled. “Like how I got nerfed by being a manlet?”

“Yer cute. Small ‘n cute.”

“Don’t make me come up there and fight you!” Tino hugged him instead. Or, more accurately, fell against him. Berwald wrapped his arms around him. “Can’t hurt you. Too nice. Stupid tree.” Berwald snorted and lead him to the sofa to sit down. He went to pour them both glasses of water, because he was that barrel of laughs who drank water on a night out, to stay hydrated.

“You’re good,” when Berwald sat down, Tino leaned against him, sipping the water. “So good. You’re the best. You’re so nice to me, and- and- I wish I could make it up to you, and tell you I like you.”

Berwald blinked at that. “Y’like me?”

“Yeah. I wish I could let you know. Like, by fellating you or something.”

“Telling me would be fine!” Okay, if Berwald was saying that, maybe Tino needed to work on communication. Except, right now, his head was swimming and he was talking out his arse.

“You deserve nice things,” he tried to explain, “and you’re so handsome.”

“Yer drunk.”

“You’re hot.”

“Yes, but y’need a lie down.”

Tino perked up at that. “In your bed?”

“Yes. Not like that. Jus’ sleeping.”

Tino nodded. “See? You’re so nice to me, even though I’m being gross and weird. Like, I just said I wanted to blow you and you’re looking after me.”

Berwald shrugged. “Like ya too.”

“Really? Even though I’m a mess?”

“Yeah. Cute. Fun.”

Tino nodded and rested his head on his chest. “Strong. Gentle.”

Berwald picked him up, bridal-style, and lead him to his bedroom. Tino looked around at Berwald’s sword collection before gently being laid down on the bed. He noticed a workbench in the corner with half-finished wood carvings set out in a line. The sheets were clean, bed made, and it didn't smell like it had been slept in.

“Your room is nice,” he commented, “sure- sure you don’t- want me-”

“Go to sleep,” Berwald began stroking his hair, “want me t’sing ya to sleep?”

Tino nodded. He’d pay hundreds to hear Berwald’s voice; how lucky he was to hear it here, in the calm of night.

“Rise, nations pride… Hold what's yours… Strike 'em were it hurts…”

“Think I might love you,” he mumbled. Berwald was too stunned to reply.

The next morning, Tino woke up with a raging hangover nowhere near as painful as the overwhelming shame as he began remembering just what he’d done and said and oh God he needed to get outta there .

So, whilst Berwald was still asleep - tangled up in his arms - he pulled himself out of bed as gently as possible, gathered up his clothes, and left, making as little noise as possible.

In the hallway, he ran into Gunner, also doing the walk of shame. Not that he had even heard of shame, judging by the smug grin he wore as he wiggled his eyebrows at Tino.

“Yo, did my cousin actually get some?”

“Fuck off Densen,” he ducked past him and out into sunshine that had no business being that bright.

[pagesfromthevoid]

just saw your post about the healthcare system where you live - i will absolutely never understand why you guys have to pay for surgerys and medication that you literally cannot live without? like, where i live medicare covers almost everything, my asthma puffers are only around $8, but ive heard of people paying up to $200 in the us - its genuinely baffling. anyways, i hope you're doing okay!! im sorry about your shitty healthcare system :( -🍝 (this is the pasta anon from a while ago lol)

Bruh the surgery I need (it’s not just a want. It’s a need. We have ten years worth of documentation to prove there’s something physically wrong with me) was only covered 40% because my doctor fought my insurance over it. And it’s still??? Gonna cost me nearly 7k

5200$ of that money is fucking HOSPITAL FEES. The actual surgery is only 1400$. That’s a far more reasonable number.

[eldritchsurveys]

o12.

Have you ever sold anything online either on Craigslist, eBay, Amazon, etc.? If not, what is your website of choice like any of the above for buying things? >> Nope. My website of choice for buying things is Amazon, I guess, just because it’s easy and they have so much shit. If the opportunity arose, would you ever go to a nude beach? Do you think you’d be comfortable enough, being naked among others like that? >> Yeah, I’d try it. I suppose it couldn’t be all that bad, if everyone else is nude too. Levels the playing field, and all. But I wouldn’t want to like... sit on stuff butt-naked. Like, that’s the main thing that bothers me about just walking around nude -- I don’t want to put my unprotected parts on stuff, bruh. So... yeah, I guess I wouldn’t stay long for that reason. At least let me put some bikini bottoms on or something, damn. What was the last book you read? What about the book drew you to want to read it (plot, title, cover…)? Did you end up liking it? >> Dune Messiah. What drew me to it is that it’s the second book in the series I’ve dedicated myself to reading, so it was just the logical progression. I did indeed like it. Have you ever considered keeping a dream journal? If you have one, have you ever looked back on it at all of the odd/interesting dreams you used to have? >> I try to keep one, but my dream recall is very sporadic and unpredictable. Sometimes I look back at what I do have, yeah. Do you think regifting is cheap, or is it okay? Have you ever regifted before? >> I wholly approve of regifting. I think it makes more sense to give something to someone who will actually use or appreciate it, rather than hanging onto something just because... what, someone gave it to me? Like, I appreciate being given the gift, because the thought really does count to me, but if I’m not going to use the thing, then why would I let this perfectly good object go to waste just collecting dust in the closet or something when I can give it to someone who’ll actually enjoy it???? LOGIC

How often do you wash your hair? What do you think when you hear of some people not washing their hair for weeks at a time? Is it healthier, as they claim? >> Every couple of weeks or so. --Well, seeing as I’m one of those people, I don’t think much of anything, because it’s normal to me. I don’t care, this is what works for me and I’m going to keep doing it until something else works better. Do you think President Obama should stay in office, or is it time for a new president? >> Damn, bruh. In general, do you like/get along with your mother’s or your father’s side of the family more? >> --- Have you ever seen an animal give birth? Have you ever had a pet give birth before? >> Yeah, and not my pet but my friend’s pet. I’ve also seen a cat eat its kittens! It was very enthralling. What do your plans usually consist of on Christmas morning? Are they the same this year? >> These past two Christmases I was at Sparrow’s parents’ house, and I guess the first time it was novel and exciting, but the second time I was way over the performative-ness and those people and just... blaaagh. But I assume I’ll be doing the same thing this year, probably day-drinking and trying not to talk to anyone. Do you like iPads/tablets or laptops more? E-readers or books? >> I mean, I use my laptops almost exclusively. And when it comes to books, I really don’t give a damn, man. I use both at my leisure. If you don’t get much snow where you live, do you wish you did get more snow? If you do get snow where you live, do you get a lot? Do you like snow? >> Enough snow falls in West Michigan that I am usually quite sick of it by March or so. Also, winter has a habit of outstaying its welcome to a depressing degree, so by May I want to die. LMAO. --In general, yeah, I like snow, but like... moderation, man. If men could get pregnant too, would abortion still be as big an issue as it is? >> Hm. What is something you want to try to accomplish within the next year? >> I’m not sure. Have you ever had to “come out” to your parents about anything (sexual orientation, change in religion, etc.)? How did it go? >> I tried to explain being trans to my father once, lmao. It was actually pretty funny, because I was like, explaining hormone replacement therapy to him, and he was just like “.... hunh.” Like I think he was mostly just confused, lmao. But I mean, in general, I’m an adult. I don’t have to tell him anything about my life if I don’t want to, so it’s not a big deal. Do you ever get drunk by yourself? >> Yeah. Who else am I supposed to get drunk with, besides the people in my head? But I’m mostly over getting drunk, anyway. I mostly just drink until the light buzz now, and then stop there. I’m still thinking about whether getting ritualistically drunk (with Wednesday, for example) is a thing I want to continue... I’m not sure yet. I think if I do, it’ll only be with specific drinks (like maybe this 1000 Stories wine, which I still think he put into my hand in the first place), to further emphasise the ritual boundaries and also to control it a little (liquor is temperamental and the delayed release doesn’t help either, but wine is easier to control). Has there ever been a time where you’ve forgotten something extremely important? >> I mean, yeah, sure. Describe the last time you were infuriated. >> Infuriated... I feel like the last time I felt that way was because of some bullshit in the PixelCount Discord. That’s why I left that shit, I got tired. What’s the most unusual kind of pizza you’ve ever tried? >> I’m not sure. If you were given the chance to decorate an entire house the way you wanted, with no limit to cost, how would you decorate it? >> I’d need some time to think about that. If you could have any kind of lava lamp, what kind would you have? >> Any kind? I’ve never had one at all. What movie do you know by heart? >> I used to know Labyrinth pretty much backwards and forwards, but my last rewatch was a long while ago. I need to get back on that train. I know the songs of The Prince of Egypt pretty well, and some of the dialogue. I used to be good with The Crow but it’s been a long time for that one, too. Has there ever been a time where you thought you were going to be great friends with someone, but it just never happened? >> I don’t think so. What’s one of your favorite things to touch/feel? >> Certain kinds of stuffed animal fur. How often do you wear tights? >> I don’t. If you had to choose, what’s the most important thing in your life at the moment? >> I don’t like to rank things like this. Do you have Netflix? >> I do. How much money would you have to spend before you felt really guilty about spending that much? >> Hell, I feel guilty about spending $2 at Redbox (”but I can just wait until it’s on Netflix, or pirate it!!! this is a Waste” shut the fuck up, goblin brain, life is short). Has there ever been anything you’ve become interested in much later than other people? >> Yeah, lmao. I’m kinda slow sometimes. Why is your favorite TV show your favorite? >> LOL I keep forgetting to mention Metalocalypse as a favourite, too, but man, my feels about that show are legion. I love it because it’s hilarious, but also because I really actually care about this silly fucking death metal band and their longsuffering manager and the Doomstar that will herald their ascension and... just everything. I love that show so fucking much and I miss it every day of my life. Grey’s Anatomy is my favourite because it really hits me in the feels, like... I don’t cry about a lot of things but I’ve cried at half the Grey’s episodes I’ve seen. It just really does humanity well... like, it has some of the most honest and compassionate writing that I’ve ever seen. It’s an utterly amazing and heartfelt and joyful and sorrowful show and I’m so glad I started watching it. Person of Interest is my favourite because... wow. Again, amazing writing, just amazing. Such complex and emotional characters, and the whole Machine thing is just... right up my alley, man. An artificial superintelligence learning to truly appreciate humanity for what it is, like... I don’t know. I don’t know. It hits me right in the gut. I still get choked up about the ending of that show. God. Describe your favorite picture of yourself, or post it. >> I don’t have a single favourite photo. Is there a genre of music that some people would be surprised that you enjoy? >> Probably not, if they know anything about me. Assuming you have a Facebook, if one of your friends posted things that annoyed you, would you be more likely to delete them as a friend, hide their statuses, or just put up with it? >> I’d hide their statuses for a while, but if it got so I was never looking at their page, I’d just unfriend them. What’s the point, then? Have you ever had a veggie burger? >> Of course. Do you like candles? >> Yep. What’s your favorite video game? >> Pillars of Eternity, Dragon Age, Elder Scrolls, Guitar Hero, the list goes on. What was something you liked about today? >> Fuckin H O T GATORADE, god. fucking... god. LMFAO. When was the last time you passed out? >> I don’t know. Do you think “friends with benefits” relationships could ever possibly work without anyone getting hurt? >> I’m sure someone’s gotten it to work. Like, it’s a big world out there. Do you wear more sweatshirts or jackets? >> Hoodies. What was the last thing you had to drink? >> I had like half a Backwoods Bastard. I didn’t even finish it, it’s still on my desk. When was the last time you wore a sports bra? >> The last time I went out. When was the last time you went to a water park? >> Never. Does your best friend live close to you? >> --- Have you ever rode a train? >> I’ve ridden many a train. Where did you get the shirt you’re currently wearing? >> I’m just wearing an undershirt. This Night Vale hoodie used to be Sparrow’s. When was the last time you played Rock Band? With whom? >> It’s been a while. I usually play Guitar Hero because the guitar controller is more compatible with it. There’s a slight difference in how shit registers on Rock Band that messes me up a lot, and I haven’t felt like dealing with it. But I miss the RB songs, so I might try to make it work at some point. Maybe I just need to calibrate my shit. What was the last thing that you ate? >> A pack of those Captain’s Wafers crackers. The peanut butter and honey ones, the best kind!!!! I’m so glad I finally found a Meijer that sells the boxes, goddamn, finally. Who last messaged you on Facebook? >> Uh... probably my cousin Kythe, with another fucking chain IM thing. I’m about to block her ass, lmfao. What were you doing Saturday at 1:30 pm? >> I don’t remember. The last time you were intoxicated, what were you drinking? >> Mango-pineapple vodka and orange juice. It’s so delicious, too, and that’s the fucking problem -- I drink it because it tastes good, and next thing you know... Who last walked you home? >> --- What do you do to help your face from breaking out? >> Wash it. It takes care of the rest on its own. Did you make any new friends lately? If so, what are their names and how did you meet them? >> --- Would you rather see your favourite band/artist in concert with 2 other people or have a free $20,000 shopping spree to Walmart? >> What on earth am I going to buy at Walmart for that much money, lmao... I’d rather spend that kind of money somewhere else, so I guess I’d take the concert. I’d choose a band that doesn’t come to the US often. >:3 When was the last time you went out to eat? >> When I was in Chicago. On a scale of 1-10, how anxious are you currently? >> Er... 1? What kind of music do you listen to? >> The audible kind. What does your perfect day consist of? >> Meh. Do you have any online friends? >> Whatever friends I do have are online. Would you dye your hair red? >> Sure. If your ex wanted to take you back, would you say yes? >> I mean, that’s basically what happened innit lmao :B How is the weather? >> I don’t know, mild, I guess.  

[shadesofhue]

“Prelude”

Him: What’s yo name, anyway?

Me: ...Hue.  


…and that’s how it started.

I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop. Juggling ideas in my mind, while not being able to be still enough to enjoy the inspirational article I was reading. My brain was everywhere, from which one of my crystals I should grab, to when I’d finish that last section of the 4 agreements. I’m an artist, and at times I need to be centered and  grounded into one train of thought at a time… and currently, that’s my biggest issue. Between self-submitting to acting roles, to researching fashion, and utilizing my degree in sociology to help change the world through advocacy… i’m a mess in this coffee shop. But understandably so, that’s okay… we all are. 
 I’m in my 20’s. My peers usually resort to the idea of “figuring things out.” If you let me tell it i’ve got many things figured out. It’s just the matter of surrendering and allowing them to flow, without control. I pay attention to myself and all of my contradictions. Not only is my Sun sign of air, and my moon in fire, the two are the exact opposite of each other… Libra and Aries. Not to mention, my Ascending is Scorpio. Which is a whole other ball game. I’ll talk about that when i’m much more comfortable. LOL comfortable… that’s what he said.

“Do you mind if I plug this in, here?”, he asked with certainty that the way he was looking at me would seduce me into giving up any outlet i’d have available. “Not at all…”, I replied. FUCK! I should have said no pun intended… now he’s gonna think he can get whatever he wants. Had I said it, he would have thought I was some witty ho, though. Thanks, Universe! Damn he looks good. He’s wearing this black nike track suit with his hood on. He looks like a boxer… that type of competitive nature excites me. Psh! let somebody try us while we’re out! Wait, why is he my boyfriend already? See, that’s my problem. So here’s what happened:

I just finished my grande pike “with almond milk, and like… 8 pumps of vanilla.” I got to my last sip and realized I hadn’t had ANY water today. Until… this tall glass of it walked up and made me realize how thirsty I actually am. He looked at me, I looked down. Do you rub the back of your neck when you get nervous? I know I sure do. He walked to the register and returned to his table with a large iced water and a banana. He wasn’t going to sit there at first, but it was better than the bar area, I supposed. Either that or he wanted a clear view of all this greatness. LOL What am I talking about? I look like a college Junior who is over the bullshit, mad at my fraternity because they’re racist in other chapters, and recovering from the result of last nights mistake in the form of a hangover. At least I twisted my hair last night. I wonder if he uses shea butter too -jots in notebook of things to pop quiz him on, on our first date.- Anyway, after he sits down, I get up to use the rest room. I can tell he’s an alpha male, and that type of energy is a lot to take within the first few minutes. I noticed something about him though… he doesn’t spend much money. He has an iPhone 5, a Dell laptop, and he didn’t order a drink. He looks like a hustler and that he’s on his grind. He’ll understand that our first date would probably need to be over coffee… and I understand that it’ll probably be “on me.” But I don’t mind, we're both men. I’m just gonna need for him not to get comfortable, because I am certainly the type that requires courting.

Him: “Do you mind if I plug this in, here?” Me: “Not at all.”

As he kneeled down to plug his charger in, I noticed that he didn’t bend over… RESPECT! LOL. I observed him, as he observed my table. “What you readin’?”, he asked. “The 4 Agreements”, I replied. “Yo, I heard about that book! Is it good?”, he followed. “Listen… this book changed my life. I’m just refreshing because I didn’t really finish it. I started over from the beginning yesterday, and left off at the same place as last time. I’m going to start there and finish it today.”, I replied. “That’s what’s up. I gotta get into it!”, he said. I ended up telling him that he should. When he sat down, I could still feel the depth of his voice vibrating through my ears, to my heart, and to places I dare not to mention. He looks like Joe Budden to me. I’ve always had a crush on Joe Budden. Was all that time wasted watching Love & Hip Hop just a visual for my manifestation of this specimen sitting before me?

He reached for his banana. The one he ordered… and I saw that his knuckles had scars on them. I instantly wanted to nurse his wounds and rub his back. He seems gentle at heart, but this physical roughness that i’m getting from him is something else.

Him: You seem like the type to drink tea. Me: …but i’d prefer coffee. Him: I’m a tea, guy. You wanna be my honey-dip Me: lol, you silly. Him: You like cookies? Me: Yeah… and YOU BETTER NOT! Him: I like brownies, can you bake? Me: Not perfectly. Him: It’s okay. Success in life is all about effort, not perfection. Me: I like that. I thought you had some sick joke. Okay. I see you, philosopher. Him: Yo, That’s my name. Me: STFU. That’s not your name! Him: Yes, it is. I swear! Me: -smirks in disbelief- Let me guess. Yo daddy name is Christopher, and yo momma name is Phillis? Him: LOL Nah, It kind of happened like when parents name their sons “Sir” or “America” I guess. Me: LMFAO… NO! It’s not. Him: LOL Man… whatever. Don't be baggin’ on my name. -licks lips and gazes into eyes” Me: DON’T… Do that! Him: Do what? Me: That whole… LL Cool J, Lip thing you just did, then stare into my soul. Don’t do that. I have to keep things… cute. Him: But you are cute. Me: Thank you. That’s really brave of you to say… in this… coffee shop. Him: Look, just because i’m all masculine and manly, doesn’t mean I can’t be open. I dig you. You’re different. Me: …You’re right. Touché. Look I need to finish my book. As crazy as this even sounds to myself to say, I have a rule. NO DISTRACTIONS while i’m working. That involves and primarily consists of… MEN! Him: Aight, my bad. My bad! Dang… All that neck movement, you gon’ drop yo crown. -winks and goes back to seat-.

I wasn’t sure if he was acknowledging my royalty, or saying I was queenin’. Either way… he could be my king. I sat still after that to read the rest of this book. I would look up every so often and he would break his glance at me and smile like he got caught doing something wrong. I smiled, to let him know it was everything right. God, I don’t mean to question you… but YOU KNOW i’m trying to focus! Why you send this man up in here today to play with me, knowing I ain’t in the position or space to entertain. I quickly heard a voice say “TRUST ME. That’s all you have to do…” I looked up at the ceiling in disbelief, thinking God was up to something. As I looked back down Philosopher said “You hear me?”. “No, sorry. I was day-dreaming. What’d you say?” I replied. “Nothing! Aren’t you supposed to be reading? lol What you day-dreaming about?”, he said. “My attention span is very short…” I rebutted. He replied with “ahhhh… that’s very telling!”, to which I yelled out a “HUSH!… Look I got 3 more pages, then I gotta get out of here. I’m starving.”

He looked like he was wishing he could join me for dinner. Little did he know, I was going to a home he isn’t welcomed to, to sauté vegetables. After I finished the book, I made my way over to his table, where he gave me one final scan and bit his bottom lip. Giving a flirty smile, I said:

“…just promise me you’ll read it and return it within the next 3 days.” Him: How about I meet you here tomorrow at 7:30pm. With a full review. It’ll give us something to talk about. We can talk perspective and application. Me: …what are you trying to do to me? Him: Bruh, let your guard down. I’m not gonna hurt you… I don’t bite. You can trust me. Me: -rubs back of neck- I don’t trust anybody…  
Him: Do you rub the back of your neck, when you get nervous? Me: You’re observant.  Him: Look… Let’s make a deal. If this book moves me in anyway, and we meet back up to talk, I promise I’ll change your life. 
 Me: Oh, You’re GOING to give it back… My mentor bought me that book, and it costs $13…but how so?  Him: You’ll never have to worry about a single thing again, as long as you’re alive… 
 Me: Just because I let you read a word. Boy, BYE! What makes you so certain? Him: I’m not… but i’m willing to take a chance and risk it all to make you happy. I see your glow underneath this sweat suit that’s way too big for your little body. Wait… do you got a boyfriend? You GOTTA have a boyfriend. Them yo nigga’s clothes aren’t they?  Me: Haaaaaaa… You don’t know an ounce of me.  Him: I just have to ask. You fly! Got a nice smile. Sweet spirit. Good vibes and energy. I mean You look comfortable as hell! And although you got a big head… with your frame, neckline, and shoulders… I can tell you don’t wear a triple X in grey sweat suits.  Me: First of all, this is heather… and these are a Medium in pants. They just run big. It’s a XXL TOP… ONLY!   Him: No pun intended!  Me: Look at youuuu… with your sense of humor. LOL  Him: heather… grey… charcoal. It’s all the same!  Me: No… it’s not actually. But umm… I have to go, Phil. I reFUSE to call you Philosopher. LOL  Him: HAHAHA. Jokes… Aye!  Me: -turns around, scrunches up left sleeve, and ruffles through hair- Yeah?  Him: What’s yo name, anyway?  Me: …Hue.