#bully brigade vigilantes

[meili-sheep]

Cyno: Now the only one I need to get is the 'Darknight Hero', then I'll complete my 'Vigilantes' deck.

Diluc: (chokes on his grape juice) I'm sorry, the what deck?

Cyno: (without missing a beat) The Vigilantes deck is an expansion pack on the critically acclaimed 'Heroes & Villians' deck, with four new characters being Lady Weaver, Lord Cypress, The Pale Lady, and the Darknight Hero.

Diluc: (blinks once)

Cyno: (continues) I already have their inverted cards, rogue cards, that one card with the weird eyepatch guy, the eight varying team-up cards, and the limited edition golden card with all of them all on it, so I just need that one.

Diluc: . . . can I see them?

Cyno: (nods) Calx is fairly new to the Genius Invokation scene in terms of design, but from what I've seen so far, he's really good at nailing the looks from the original manga and the inferences from the light novels.

Diluc: (still processing)

---

Meanwhile, Kaeya is losing his damn mind as to why, how, and who authorized this because the investigation is still open (yes I'm dragging this AU back because it was hilarious and it makes me happy to think about the hijinks)

You know Cyno's a pretty smart guy, and the minute he gets the Darknight hero card he instantly sees the resemblance.

But here is my theory about Diluc and Cyno's relationship. When they come together, they sort of harmonize and start sharing a singular brain cell that's just labeled "Justice."

So Cyno doesn't jump to "Diluc is the Darknight Hero" but rather "Oh Diluc was the model for the Darknight hero." Because Diluc seems to fit the aesthetic rather nicely so he brushes it all off.

And honestly, Yelan and Ayato would LOVE watching Diluc and Cyno together because not only to they become the most dangerous blood hounds but also the BIGGEST FUCKING NERDS, and they just like info dump at each other and looks like they can communicate in glares.

[champawattigress]

I feel like vet/dog people don't do enough to highlight the dangers posed by communities like r/banpitbulls, and how they're turning people's individual tragedies into fuel for an endless brigade of hate that will, at best, contribute to the creation of more ineffectual BSL policies, and, at worst, lead to anti-bully breed vigilantism.

And neither extreme will make even the slightest dent on the number of severe dog attacks.

[thezfc]

I find it curious that the nannies spend 98% of their time defending a rich and famous couple by browbeating ordinary (and yes sometimes stupid/bigoted) people. They scour the internet for any dissenting voice and then gleefully crucify them at length for being either horribly racist or dying of jealousy wanting to fuck tom. Because apparently you can’t be anything less than nauseatingly supportive of T&Z without being one or both of those things. Everything seems to devolve into a diarrhoea of why others are sub-human and can go suck it, enabling them to validate their own egos over and over again within an echo chamber.

There are strict rules - thoughts and words must be carefully policed for the safety of an unborn and (as yet) unconfirmed child. The nanny brigade categorically insist that the couple be left alone in peace and privacy, gently coddled by the warm glow of their fan base’s undying adulation and sycophantic praise (imparted from a safe and respectful distance of course, as specified by the handbook ‘Nanny Nonsense 101’). Meanwhile, the nannies themselves base their entire identity around tracking the couple at an infinitesimal level and defending their every movement in relentless onslaught of online seething that only serves to highlight the unwanted speculation/minority viewpoints. Fear not, the vigilant/vigilante nannies will patrol the internet and deftly kibosh rude or unhinged commentary by being equally rude and unhinged!

Now, it probably sounds like I’ve been burned by the nanny ninnies myself but tbh I know better than to try and engage with such bullshit. I’ve just been watching the shit show for my amusement and steadily losing respect for humankind. This morning, I saw there was some notion that crazed fans would track the couple to the hospital and demand copies of the birth certificate! All marbles are profoundly lost.

For me personally, this saturation of all things tom and Zawe has slowly transformed my ‘fan’ status into an intense disliking of the couple - frankly I’ve had to reach for the sick bucket one too many times at this point. My previous enthusiasm for any new updates on tom has been steadily chipped away at over and over, culminating in this latest nauseating crescendo, so that I now am dreading the pap shots that will no doubt emerge from their escapades in Suffolk this weekend.

So, I’m sitting here, excelling marvellously in avoidance of doing any work, wondering what I am most irritable about. Is it the sanctimonious hypocrisy of the nannies; is it cancel culture; is it the fever pitch hysteria around movements of a couple that I know for an absolute 100% fact to be astoundingly less loved up and kind and unassuming than they portray (baby in tow or not); is it that I can’t stand how two incredibly privileged people have inspired support of an online army (intensionally or otherwise) to bully others in their unnecessary defence; is it the cesspit that is the internet in general; is it PMT; am I racist against my own race; do I just want to fuck Tom; or am I just so bored at work at this point that I’d rather be annoyed about this than the spreadsheet I have to tackle in a minute? Unclear. But in any event, this diatribe of my own was so much fun I might even apply to be a nanny.

Alrighty then 😆

[crackimagines]

Mahiru, ibuki, and mikan with an ultimate serial killer s/o

…I CAN EXPLAIN.

Thanks for the ask anon, and I hope you enjoy! I’ll try my best not to be an edgelord and make this funny to read, at the very least

IF YOU EXCUSE ME I GOTTA FUCKING BOOK IT FROM THE COPS

Mahiru Koizumi - The Doomguy Method

- Such a nice gal, she started going out with S/O when S/O asked her out with a little ol’ shy blush, and she accepted in the probably the most tsundere way possible.

- Well, she did think being the Ultimate Baker was pretty neat! She loved all S/O’s cooking

- But while S/O could make a mean cupcake, that was not S/O’s Ultimate Skill

- YEAH I DON’T THINK TELLING ANYONE THAT YOUR ULTIMATE CONSISTS OF OVER 30 BODY COUNTS IN A RAPID MATTER WOULD FLATTER THEM

- S/O wanted to keep that part a secret, and wanted to secretly convert to a new leaf, but

- Old habits die hard

- Every now and again, when people would make fun of Mahiru, s/o would get the urge to RIP AND TEAR

- S/O’s preferred method was just to go Doomguy on their victims, which uh, if you don’t know what that means, this should suffice:

- Some killers were savage, were relentless, but S/O? S/O WAS WORSE. THEY WOULD RIP AND TEAR, UNTIL THE JOB WAS FINISHED.

- Yeah needless to say, S/O really did not want Mahiru to find out S/O could literally rip people’s necks off, and put their spines up someone else’s ass

- Luckily for Mahiru, S/O wasn’t just some looney well, besides the voices telling S/O to rip and tear, with some rad metal music blasting when they were killing, They usually were bad people, but instead of being a vigilante, no S/O just straight up annihilated any trace of them and DAMN it was brutal

- Then, one day, Mahiru came home crying, and S/O was shook that she was crying so much.

- Some guys at the academy broke her camera, and called her a bitch.

- (S/O) “Here Mahiru, I’ll make you some dinner okay?”

- (Mahiru) “T-Thanks S/O…” 

- [Mahiru’s inner thoughts] S/o is such a kind person…

- [S/O’s inner thoughts] :

WHAT’S THAT MAHIRU’S SANDWICH? KILL THEM ALL? GOOD IDEA!

- S/O asked for the guys name, and she gave it to him without thinking about it much.

- Once S/O gave Mahiru their dinner, S/O took them to their room, and let her sleep there for a little bit.

- Once they closed it, they had one job KILL, PILLAGE, MAIM, B U R N

- S/O eventually found them, and an enjoyable night was had, for S/O at least

- Yeah no for everyone else they prob would’ve rather get shot

- What happened to them? Well uh, according to the police, couple limbs there, over there- 

SPLAT

- …Well now it’s falling off the ceiling 

- S/O came home later that night, with a brand new camera and a new set of clothes cause good lord the old ones had to be incinerated thanks to all the excess icky stuff on it and went to bed with Mahiru

- Such a nice S/O

- Well, when they weren’t ripping people’s heads off, but shhhh, Mahiru doesn’t need to know that

Ibuki Mioda - Wolf Brigade Style

- Ibuki was very supportive of S/O, being the Ultimate Journalist had to be exhausting, and tbh not very fun as her job of being a rock star!

- S/O was super grateful to have someone like Ibuki

- Pray she doesn’t find out about S/O being ya know, a murderer

- S/O didn’t murder people in the conventional way, in fact they did it the most risky way

- STRAIGHT UP LIGHTING THE MOTHERFUCKERS UP btw I don’t mean like flamethrowers, just using a really REALLY loud MG42

- S/O would only kill to protect Ibuki, much like Mahiru’s psychopathic murderer, but sometimes…Well, S/O would get carried away

- Back then, S/O killed anyone who was straight up an asshole, or did them or their friends wrong

- Despite carrying PROBABLY THE LOUDEST FUCKING GUN IN EXISTENCE no one ever considered S/O to be a vicious killer.

- Not even Ibuki, though she did have a very VERY close call with S/O going to town

- One day, Ibuki knocked on S/O’s house door, and they didn’t respond

- (Ibuki) “S/Ooooooo! Ibuki is here for dinneerrrrrr!!!”

- Still no response.

- Meanwhile downstairs in the basement…

- (Bout to be dead as fuck dude) “NO PLEASE, I DIDN’T MEAN TO SAY THAT ABOUT MIODA PLEASE-

RATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA

- Wait, I just now realized S/O has a sewer in their basement, this is becoming less of a serial killer and more of a fucking supervillain, also bonus points if you can guess what this whole thing is referencing to.

- So, naturally, Ibuki hears the loud as shit gun firing off, but it’s slightly muffled and she doesn’t know what it is so she goes to check

- Only to find out the door to downstairs that she hasn’t seen before is locked, so she kinda scratches her head wondering where S/O is

- She reaches for her phone, and calls their number, and then…hears their ringtone for her right behind the door?

- “isagiyoku KAKKO yoku ikite yukou…”

- Yup, that’s definitely her ringtone, so does that mean S/O is behind the door-

creak

- OH CHRIST.

- Ibuki opens the door and like

- This is the first thing she fucking sees

(S/O) “…”

(Ibuki) “Oh, that’s neat…That Serial Killer on the news inside…S/O’s…house…”

UNGODLY INAUDIBLE SCREECHING

- S/O didn’t waste time and fucking stunned her as fast as they could

- They did that karate chop thing to the neck people do in movies, and Ibuki goes out cold IMMEDIATELY

- S/O quickly puts the fake wall over the basement door, and then drags Ibuki to their bed 

- When Ibuki wakes up, S/O is right next to them sitting in bed reading a book

- (Ibuki) “S/O?”

- (S/O) “Ibuki! Thank god you’re alright! You passed out in front of my door, I was so worried!”

- (Ibuki) “That’s…weird, Ibuki remembers…bah, it’s probably just a dream…OH CRAP, HOW MUCH TIME PASSED?!”

- (S/O) “H-Huh? I think, like an hour? And what was that drea-”

- (Ibuki) “NO TIME, IBUKI MADE RESERVATIONS FOR DINNER, COME ON S/O LET’S GO!”

- Ibuki drags S/O out of the house to the place she had in mind, making her effectively forget about the giant serial killer in full body plate armor with the fucking GLOWING RED EYES.

Mikan Tsumiki - Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Unbroken Necks

- you already know where this is going

- S/O loved Mikan, and would do anything to protect her

- Mikan was constantly being harassed by the students, but in recent weeks, the numbers started to go down, by a LOT

- Mikan told S/O about this and they were like

- (S/O) “Huh, maybe cause they realize you’re an actual human being??”

- Mikan was grateful for S/O and everything they did

- What S/O didn’t realize, is that Mikan was completely aware S/O was offing people for her

- She entered the school one day to hear that a specific student had their neck broken late at night, and she realized that was the student who was bullying her a few weeks ago

- She, and S/O were the only people who knew about it, when Mikan was crying on S/O about the cruel things they did, and naturally S/o was very calm on the outside, but on the inside:

- Back then, S/O killed dozens of people by snapping their necks with special gloves that hid their fingerprints, and unlike the others S/O couldn’t control their rage no matter the person and the person’s would uh

- Come down with a case of sudden death

- By SNAP, CRACKLE, THEN POP! …Well, more just like snap, I just wanted to make a rice krispies cereal joke, NO YOU SHUT UP

- So, Mikan deduced that S/O had offed the person themselves…BUT UH, SHE DOESN’T FREAK OUT ABOUT IT WHICH IS THE SCARY PART

- She fully embraces it, cause that means S/O loves them so much, they would kill people for her

- So, she just keeps quiet, pretending not to know

- After all, as long as S/O loves them, there’s no issue right?

Wow this got dark fast

[meili-sheep]

For vigilante au where noone knows who they are--

Kaeya: archons, this "darknight hero" guy is becoming a real pain in my ass-- i mean, dont get me wrong, love that hes protecting Mond in his own way but Jean keeps trying to get me to recruit him for the knights when its so clear that he doesnt want to be... i guess, restrained? by the knights and her adamancy abt him "needing to be in the knights to properly protect Mondstat" is getting on my nerves

Diluc, the darknight hero, also hounded by Jean to try and figure out how the darknight hero is: tell me about it.

Kaeya, agreeing for the completely wrong reasons: right?! Because i really love and respect her, dont get me wrong, but theres just a point where it becomes a little infuriating. And adding on to that, the darknight hero is so hard to catch as well. It almost like hes toying with the knights or something. Or, not to be a bit of a braggart or anything, toying with specfically me

Diluc, toying with specifically Kaeya as the darknight hero: oh? Tell me more

Kaeya: i cant help but be annoyed? But also not? Since hes possibly one of the best fighters ive ever seen. And i dont give this praise lightly, especially because he uses a catalyst since most if not all catalyst users usually stay out of the line of fire and cast whatever spells are in their books but this guy-- this guy just goes in arms blazing!

Diluc, preening a little at the praise: oh really? What else would you say about him?

Kaeya: he throws around fire like its no big deal! Each punch, each kick, each movement is accentuated by it-- its honestly a beautiful display of his mastery over it. Oh right, i havent told you about his fighting style yet-- this guy literally just-- hand to hand combat. This man goes us against swordsmen, pikemen, greatswords, bows, and whatever weapons the fatui or the monsters around Mond uses by the dozen with nothing but his catalyst and his hands and he wins every time. Its honestly intimidating sometimes. I genuinely think that he might actually be too restrained in the knights.

Diluc, absolutely bathing in praise: oh wow, this darknight hero guy sounds like a real piece of work. He must be a really swell guy and you know what kaeya? I agree, he really would be too restrained in the knights. Hes just too much for the knights to handle. Such a strong, intimidating guy must be an incredible person under that mask

Kaeya, misunderstanding him and thinking Diluc just called the darknight hero hot: i mean ive never seen him without that bird mask, other than the time i saw him with a fatui mask but--

Kaeya, overprotective brother mode on: uhhhh... diluc? Would you uh-- would you say that you harbor some sort of uhhhh... attraction? To the darknight hero??

Diluc, fucking appalled that Kaeya just asked him if he had a crush on hIMSELF: what--

I imagine Kaeya tend to take a lot of things the wrong way with inregardes to Diluc's relationship status. Because he's paranoid and lives in fear that someone is gonna trick his naive romantic brother.

So know he's on a special extra watch to make sure Diluc and the Darknight hero never interact. And you know what I think he does a pretty good job because you never see them together.

[meili-sheep]

Vigilante au

Kaeya manages to get Venti to help him with a stakeout using the Kaeven costume and they watch over Angel's Share to see if Diluc canoodles with the Darknight Hero

Best part.

Venti totally knows that truth. Like Diluc didn't tell him, but he knows. Just doesn't get involved. And is only helping Kaeya with this cause he's getting the biggest kick out of this. And honestly, knowing Venti, he fuels Kaeya's delusion and anger just for the chaos it would cause.

Venti: You know he could be in there right now?

Kaeya: ...

Venti: He could have snuck in as a patron.

Kaeya: ...

Venti: Then sneaked upstairs to the "private" room. Where he chanced and caused a distraction to lure Diluc up there.

Kaeya: ...

Venti: And when Diluc gets up there. He pounces. He could be up there touching Diluc. Slipping his hands under Diluc's clothing. Holding him close so he can get away, but does Diluc want to?

That's enough Kaeya, STILL in his half of the costume, burst into Angel's share.

Diluc is definitely not upstairs. And he instantly dies of embarrassment.

[meili-sheep]

For vigilante au, where kaeyas so convinced that Diluc and the Darknight Hero are a thing and fucking behind his back but refuses to acknowledge it so he just resorts to calling it by increasingly more and more ridiculous names whenever he faces off against him

"STOP DOING THE THE DO WITH MY BROTHER DILUC"

"LEAVE SOME ROOM FOR BARBATOS YOU BIRDFACED FUCK"

"THE ONLY TANGO DILUC IS ALLOWED TO DANCE IS A VERTICAL ONE-- TEN THOUSAND FEET AWAY FROM YOU"

"THE ONLY STICK ALLOWED TO BE WET HERE IS THE ONE IM GONNA USE TO BEAT YOU TO DEATH AND SOAK IN YOUR BLOOD"

"THE ONLY THING THATS GONNA GET BURIED IS YOUR DEAD FUCKING BODY"

"THE ONLY BLACK HOLE YOURE EXPLORING IS YOUR GRAVE"

"IM GONNA WHAM BAM FREEZE YOU TO DEATH"

"I AM GOING TO MONSTER MASH YOU INTO YOUR GRAVE"

The servants at the winery have a betting pool for what new euphemism hes gonna invent next-- Adelinde is the referee and Diluc is both mortified and entertained by the ridiculousness

Diluc dies a little each time.

I think Diluc eventually gets frustrated and eventually snaps at Kaeya.

"You are really so convinced I've been with your brother! Well, FINE, THIS HAND!"

Diluc just waves his hand in a jerking motion. And his life flashes before his eyes as Kaeya just so RABID. He barely manages to get away.

And I think it would push Kaeya to extreme measures. Like. He is now telling Yelan and Ayato and really anyone who's shown a (healthy) interest in his brother that he'll give his blessing if they can break up Diluc and the Darknight hero. Like at that point, he'd even give Childe a pass. Though he'd prefer Zhongli or Albedo, they don't seem like the very pushing type. And Ayato might be in the same boat as Childe and gets a pass and is probably Kaeya's best hope but not really who Kaeya wants for his brother.

Venti's enjoying the chaos to much. But Eula might be a good choice. But Kaeya would prefer Rosaria between the two.

The singular time. Kaeya is ok with someone dating his brother.

[meili-sheep]

Oh god i had a thought.

Kaeya finally finds out that Diluc is the Darknight Hero right? Right. But what if--

What if hes still in the dark about the rest of the big three.

Ayato actually being kind of chill as Lord Cypress so on patrol nights where he'd join in the Darknight activities, Kaeya just rants to Lord Cypress aka Ayato about AYATO-- and hes just there-- trying to keep a straight face--

Or or

Kaeya warning Diluc to stay away from Lady Weaver in earshot of Yelan because shes flirty (id imagine its like a chiller version of Ying'er and Lisa's flirty, basically catwoman vibes) and Yelan is just like "yeah i know shes so seductive and hot and stuff" and Kaeyas just having severe Diluc/Darknight Hero flashbacks

Diluc is caught somewhere between having the time of his life and living in a constant hell.

Cause his brother can't put it together, two of the people he's closest to are the other major heroes.

And with that Lord Cypress comment, I'm just thinking in terms of Ayaluc. And Kaeya finally noticed that AYATO and Diluc are really close. And in reality, Ayato is trying to woo Diluc over but having little success.

So Kaeya is ranting to Lord Cypress about this guy creeping around his brother, and Cypress is just like

"Idk maybe he's not so bad, and you and Diluc should give him a chance"

"He made our childhood friend drink this awful mix of Dango milk and seagrass."

Internally Ayato's just oh shit.

[meili-sheep]

Honestly i feel like the only way for kaeya to believe that diluc = darknight hero, is for Diluc to get "sloppy"

Like-- not asking adelinde or the bullies to cover for him when hes on business trips, conveniently break his mask, oh no oopise my hood fell down

Because he wouldnt believe Diluc if he was the one to spill the beans to Kaeya-- Kaeya's gotta make that conclusion himself because hes too utterly convinced that Diluc has relations with the Darknight Hero, hes gotta change his own mind

Also gOD IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN AFTER THE REALIZATION-- WHERE HE REALIZES HES BEEN HOUNDING DILUC FOR DATING DILUC AHAHAAHAHA

Can you imagine that conversation, though?

Kaeya: So this whole time.

Diluc: Yup.

Kaeya: Why didn't you...

Diluc: I tried. But you were convinced. You didn't believe me.

Kaeya: *head in his hands*

Diluc: Well I mean. It's not all bad.

Kaeya: NOT ALL BAD?

Diluc: Yeah. At least. I know you still care about me. And well, I'm not happy about you'll push yourself to the edge if you think it means keeping me safe. Which, by the way, is totally unnecessary.

Kaeya: Diluc...

Diluc: I am aware romantically I'm an idoit. But still. You don't need to worry so much. I wouldn't honestly put someone between us. Unless you were truly being a major asshole.

Kaeya: Diluc!

And lots of tears and snot and good hugs.

[meili-sheep]

Kaeya, bursting into the upper floor rooms of the tavern where he saw Diluc walk in: yOU TWO ARE HAVING SEX--

The wide open window:

Diluc, taking inventory:

Diluc, in a sort of sarcastic and teasing voice: oh really now? Why didnt you tell me sooner, i would've put my book down

-Bonus-

Ayato, from the window: is he gone yet?

Diluc: yes now hand me the suit "lord cypress", its time to fuck with some fatui and my brother

Yelan, also from the window: why is he wearing half a horse costume--

Well, following from this

I can also see Diluc staring at Kaeya, then looking around for, and then just giving Kaeya the blankest look and saying.

"With who? I feel like I would need a partner to do that."

And after a moment of looking around, Kaeya just slinks away in shame. That is when Ayato and Yelan come in. And Diluc began her not to ask about the horse costume.

Of course, when all 3 leave together, they make sure Kaeya catches a glimpse of them leaving from the tavern.

And Venti is obviously gonna add to the mess.

"Huh. Looks like the Darknight Hero brought his friends. I Hope Master Diluc had a good time. Though He's probably sleeping now."

Kaeya proceeds to lose his goddamn mind.

[meili-sheep]

Moco: okay so I went out and asked some people for some ideas and suggestions, and I know what we're writing in the next installment of our book

Hillie: okay, what is it

Moco: okay so the 'darknight hero' is taking 'master diluc' on a date to pigeon land

Diluc: what

Moco: it is a beautiful land guarded by ruin guards and is populated by uhhh *glances at notes* the ducks the traveller killed and the pigeons they scared away and never came back like they promised they would

Diluc:

Hillie:

Diluc: who did you ask again-

Diluc: Yeah, Ok... We are not using a child's ideas for a book directed toward adults. But We can use the ruin guard idea.

I can see them asking the traveler, though.

And I bet the traveler would have a lot of interesting ideas to add. Possibly even getting really into it. Especially if the traveler had a low-key mentality like some players. (that being people like me who write fanfiction)

And then they probably bring in a rival love interest. Which interest your favorite ship here.

Like the powerful warrior from another land who's an enemy of both the Darknight and His King. But is Charming and is actually very honest with the King and shows him his softer side (Childe)

Or a regal historian/mortician with a mysterious past. Who in the King finds someone who he can understand and settle down with. (Zhongli)

Or the Alchemist. Who might be a knight but starts showing more loyalty and interest in the Darknight Hero and begins growing close (Albedo)

Or the powerful commission from another land who's looking for a spouse. And see in the King not only an equal but and kinder spirit, someone who he could actually learn to love. (Ayato)

Or the mysterious man, guardian of the neighboring country. Who the Darknight and they start to bond over being unseen guardians. (Xiao)

Or whatever you ever prefer.

[meili-sheep]

I feel like when kaeya finds out abt diluc being the darknight hero, diluc is gonna hold that shit iver his head FOREVER (in a joking manner ofc)

Like--

Kaeya: no diluc, you cant do that

Diluc: wow imagine gatekeeping me from myself

~~

Diluc: i get loving yourself but letting it get to the point where you have relations with yourself is weird

Kaeya: i was just LOOKING AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR DILUC--

~~

Diluc: heh imagine not being able to realize "tall, dark and handsome" can also apply to oneself

Kaeya: okay i gET IT--

It's not every day Diluc gets to tease Kaeya. Normally Diluc is the one getting teased. Cause he's a little more socially clueless.

So he's gotta take this for all the mileage it's worth. And Diluc's gonna get to ride this one for years. So to him, it's even better now that Kaeya knows the truth. And he doesn't have to keep pretending he's in a relationship with himself.

So it's totally a win-win for Diluc.

but in honestly Diluc does know when to let a joke die.

[meili-sheep]

For vigilante au:

So you know how in Inazuma theres like light novels and manga and doujins about real life interesting people? Like the technically isekai Raiden Shogun one, the one abt yae miko which i forgot whats about, heck theres even like-- a quest where you write your own light novel based on your own adventures.

So what if. The three of them. Have their own light novels. Surprisingly enough, it was DILUC who proposed the idea-- he explained that kaeyas been snooping around his business too much and that its starting to interfere with his more private affairs aka the bully brigade missions.

If he does this, it gives him something else to investigate as he plans for the novels to be chock full of really personal details that no normal bystander or whatever would know. Its mostly harmless personal info tho. Yelan and Ayato are shocked at his brazen-ness and go all in as well with their own light novel series based on their own vigilante identities. Ayato is the one bringing the works to the Yae Publishing House claiming that its stuff made by independent anonymous writers or just like-- literally hires people to be the face of the author if they ever snoop a little too hard.

Yelan writes it herself, Ayato and Ayaka do a collaborative effort (they really enjoy it because its a perfectly valid excuse to spend time together despite their busy schedules), and Diluc paid Hillie and Moco to write it since they gossip around all day, making them really good at making up stories. Diluc is their editor, he lets them go fucking feral with the plot and wildly mischaracterize everyone. Hes just there to check for grammmatical errors and consistency.

Yelan's novel is very "proud", very "self-praising" but there are a few moments in there that get really serious and emotional despite its tone. Ayato and Ayaka's novel is the most normal. Mostly because Ayaka, being the young girl that she is, has read a LOT of light novels (you literally pick up multiple of them in the Kamisato mansion) and knows how to write it in that format. Ayato is there to inject as much crack as possible into the novel, JJBA style.

Eventually they form the DC Universe of Teyvat, with each of their respective vigilante personas as the Big Three of DC, and all because Diluc wanted to throw Kaeya off his tail a little more.

The first official Darknight Hero light novel is a BL story between Diluc and the Darknight Hero. It has ALL the tropes and is just-- its fanfiction. Its basically fanfiction. I made a title. Here it is:

"The Uncrowned King and his Darknight: The story of a forbidden romance from two sides of the sun"

All the chapter titles are based off times of day, one of the chapters is titled "the Frostwind Swordman's Death After Noon" and the entire chapter is just setup for how lightnovel!kaeya is the antagonist because hes the one "trying to tear them apart". Its actually the chapter that got him off Diluc’s back since it has a lot of personal details abt him and Diluc, mostly harmless but still concerning.

The chapter that made him stay off his back is titled "the things that happen after dark/dusk". Its smut. Diluc had to read through it and edit it with his own two eyes and hands. Compared to the rest of the book, this part is really high quality. Mostly because Hillie and Moco got too flustered halfway through and Diluc had to take over. That chapter was the one where Hillie and Moco became the editors. Kaeya is horrified and Diluc does not know how hes keeping a straight face rn. Yelan and Ayato tease him for going so hard on his selfcest fanfic AHAHAHA

It ends on a cliffhanger and theres so many red herring hints to as to who the Darknight might be. Kaeya knows that theyre all probay red herrings but FUCK it has too many details so he has to investigate eVERYTHING--

Ok.... But Albedo is in on and does illustrations. Because he's interested in seeing people's reactions to these. And I can see Millie and Moco's writing actually being really good. With Diluc's honest editing and a touch of elegance to the story, it is probably the highest quality of the three, and Albedo's illustrations are just the whipped cream on top.

And I really beat Yea Miko has an absolute hay day with it and loves promoting it. Cause not only does it make her serious cash, but she's relatively interested in the story herself and knows Ayato knows that author and that the author is most likely the Darknight hero trying to help conceal his identity, but she doesn't push it cause ya know... It would ruin everything.

[meili-sheep]

Kaeya: I know your secret you piece of shit!

Darknight Hero: What secret?

Kaeya: Stop canoodling with my brother!

Darknight Hero: I'm not.

Kaeya: You are! My sweet baby brother has told me everything and you're the one meeting up with him!

Darknight Hero: …I don't have time for this.

Kaeya: ARE YOU SAYING MY BROTHER ISN'T WORTH YOUR TIME? HOW DARE YOU!

Geeeze geeze lmaoo

This situation is absolutely chaotic. Because really, there is no way Diluc wins here. Just no way. Telling Kaeya is a no. Kaeya would believe anything Diluc said regarding the darknight hero, and Kaeya's sure as shit not gonna buy anything the darknight hero says.

And I can imagine Diluc trying to convince Kaeya he as the Darknight hero is not dating Diluc by insulting himself.

So Kaeya is just hearing the Darknight hero start to nitpick his brother. (Because Diluc would be very good at insulting himself cause he never thinks he's good enough but that's besides the point)

I'm sure it would end with the Kaeya going into the bar the next day and panicking.

"Diluc! Did that Hero punch you in the face!"

"... Something like that."

[meili-sheep]

Oh my god-- as i was giggling abt catalyst vigilante diluc a thought just came into my head like--

"Haha lol heizou just punches people with his air like in avatar"

"Oh yeah zukos in avatar and he can firebend"

"And heizous practically an airbender"

"Hey wait a second--"

And now i hc catalyst diluc fights like zuko from avatar. Youre welcome :))

Also damn throwback... whatever day of the week it is rn LOL

Lmao, I didn't read this one before that last ask. Glad to see we are on a similar train of thought

But Fun fact Thoma's Ult and Heizou. You can pretty much firebrand. It also builds up swirl so you can get a full punch again before his skill cools down. So I imagine Diluc would be a lot like that minus the shield.

Seriously I need to do more catalyst Diluc. It just gets me so excited. Or maybe that's the caffeine.

[meili-sheep]

For Vigilante Bullies-- imagine if NOONE but their respective people (dilucs intel network, yelans underground network, ayatos connections) or at least their closest in those groups knew abt the whole vigilante thing-- like everyone who ISNT a part of the bully trio has no idea who tf any of them are. All thanks to yelans disguise expertise. And since noone knows who they are...

Imagine one day, kaeya is out patrolling mond. Its the usual song and dance, circle the inner walls, circle the outer walls, go back in to circle the inner parts of the city. And on that particular day, hes ambushed by fatui. Its not that he didnt expect this, I mean theyve holed up in the grand hotel for who knows how long at this point, but its just that-- hes alone. Hes surrounded. And by the looks of it, hes gonna have to fight his way out or die trying. And the latter is getting more likely every second he sends out a subtle signal to the knights and its not being accepted.

So he raises his sword and readies himself for the fight of his life. He swoops forward and-- fire. Lots of it. He stutters on his step as one of them, a betrayer he presumes, practically sets the lot of them on fire, defeating them with what could only be called a wieldable column of flame. The fight was over before it even started. He looks at this betrayer, having crushed their fatuus domino mask beneath their feet in the aftermath.

He tries to search for anything that would clue him in on who this is but this time, instead of the bright shock of red hair that would instantly blow his cover, kaeya is met with nothing but a white and gold full face mask, birdlike in his design. How intriguing.

"Thank you for the assistance, my strange and yet respected masked man but, I'm afraid vigilante justice is against the law." He raises his hands in what he hopes looks like a placating gesture. "And now, seeing as youve been a great help to me, I'd rightfully say I'm in your debt and wouldn't dare to double cross you behind you back. So, how about I offer you a position in the knights?" Kaeya is a little less than confident, having zero to no intel on this fellow but he hopes he could get them onto their side.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure you'll still be able to do this and with our support, you'll be provided with everything you need and more." He conveniently forgets to add that he can get to figure out who and what this persons deal is. A win win situation for both of them. He gives him a hand. "What do you say?"

The black clad figure brings his hand out of his coat. And before Kaeya’s smile gains an edge to it, the figure summons his catalyst, the Frostbearer he notes, and disappears in a warm icy mist. Thats alright, it was getting boring around here anyways.

The next time Kaeya is at the bar, Diluc wordlessly gives him a glass without pestering him for payment.

:))

Nyehehehehe catalyst diluc

Something about Diluc with a catalyst.

Oh boy, I also just imagine Diluc with like a wig too. I'm sure it would be hair with all his hair, but still. Imagine like a short dark haired wig. I don't know something about it.

And Diluc's catalyst being like Heizou's, and he's using fire and his fist.

Oh boy oh boy. My heart. I actually love the idea of all of them swapping weapons like Yelan takes up a sword and Ayato maybe a polearm.