#burnout isn't something that anyone else needs to fix

[pb-dot]

Peebs Vent: Mental Health Care

People who follow this lil' blog with some regularity may have picked up on the oh-so-subtle theme of Peebs having some Mental Health Challenges. These days, I'm basically in some sort of treatment limbo since my last therapist retired, and we basically got to the point that he doesn't really know what to do about me anyway. So, as one often does with problems that people don't know the answer to, I've escalated it up to the public healthcare service. Around here, this is usually a good thing since these services are pretty good at establishing a goal-oriented treatment plan and getting people through that.

People with average or better reading comprehension may have noted that I said it's usually a good thing, and I say this because for me it hasn't really worked out so far. You see, the poor dears don't seem to know what to do about me either, as one consultation to establish the abovementioned plan turned into two and now three, and I have no real idea about how long this is going to go on.

This time around, the psychiatrist who I spoke with questioned me about what I'd do if I got the message that they couldn't help me. This one is a particular fear of mine, and I spent some time explaining why, how I find life teetering right on the brink of the unmanageable, and how I need something, anything really, to be wrong that can be fixed because I don't see myself surviving in the world as it appears to me, and frankly I don't see anyone else doing it either.

It's pretty grim stuff, and I find myself wondering if I should change track a bit. It is true that I find myself relying on something to change, for someone to figure out my medication situation, for someone to help me with the goddamned anxiety that makes social interactions with all but my closest friends a nightmare, for someone to help me manage the dark thoughts and compulsive need to be a people pleaser, for an employer who isn't perfectly content with letting me work myself into burnout again.

I'm not asking for the world on a platter here. I'm asking to be provided with the tools to ensure my own survival and good health. Nobody has to help me pull myself out of this hole that the years have dug in my psyche, just get me a rope and I'll do it my fucking self. Mais non. No can do. We're really flummoxed by this whole "hole" situation despite our business ostensibly being holes (phrasing?)

So I've been thinking, maybe it's time to stop thinking of this as an existential threat to myself. If nothing else, maybe reframing it a bit would help with the anxiety. Parts of me already think of this attempt at getting me into treatment that actually does anything as Society's last chance to avoid me turning into a Problem. I don't like taking up space in other people's lives or being any kind of problem or bother, it's a bad habit that years of anxiety and being somewhat of an outcast might get you, but maybe it's what's needed here.

I could be quite the problem if I put my mind to it I'm pretty sure. I come from a long line of stubborn farmers and even more stubborn bureaucrats, and I don't exactly think I'd be easier to deal with if I stopped pouring all this anger and disappointment into myself and started turning it outward. Is it reasonable? Maybe not, but it's not exactly great for me to internalize it either and that hasn't stopped me before.

So, I ask myself. Why not. Why not become a pain in the ass? Why not make my problems into the world's problems. Why not become disruptive and stubborn and pour my every waking moment into making dealing with me in a quiet and painless way impossible? I wouldn't change anything I'm pretty sure, but it's not like my current approach is doing any better in that regard.

This isn't to say I look forward to my villain era, such as it is. Truth is, I don't particularly want to, mostly because being a disruptive asshole sounds both emotionally and mentally taxing, but also because I just find my temperament not vibing well with that kind of thing. It's not a perfect solution, but I guess it's at least not wanting to bring harm to myself? I suppose that is something.

Either way, I'm not done with these endless assessments, so there's always the hope that I end up actually getting some help. In related news, there's always the chance I'll win the lottery.

[quotidian-oblivion]

FF ask: if a fic title was "New day, old problems" what would you write in it?

Just came up with that title on the spot and low-key not that bad

I love that title, Vibey. I think i'll call on you next time when i need to title something. Spare the readers from dad jokes for once.

Hmm, let's see. I would write about... ugh i cant think. I'm not in my writers mood rn. Which ask number is this? It's no. 13.

Hmm, i'd write about Tim going through A Day. He keeps being pelted with problems left and right. WE assignments. Overdue tasks. A new case opened up. A mugging that ended up with him getting stabbed. Jason's in the manor today and everyone is on edge as they always are with him. Just problems ad problems and he's getting stressed and stressed.

And then Damian's making a fuss cuz of course he does, he's a little brother and little brothers are legally obligated to get on their older brothers' nerves. So Damian's berating him about something, maybe his inattentiveness cuz he got stabbed in a mugging.

Dick is sending glances at him, unsure of whether or not to interrupt cuz Tim's been real cagey after the whole Bruce gets lost in time fiasco. Speaking of Bruce, they still haven't had that conversation after returning back.

So Tim gets up and walks away from Damian while the kid is still talking and then he trips, but manages to keep from falling, but it shakes his stitches and he's in pain and gets reminded of when he lost his spleen, he was bleeding in the desert and of how alone he felt and how he still feels lonely. He thought everything would be alright. He thought it would all be okay after saving Bruce. But it's not. It's still not okay. He's still alone.

He's always.

Fucking.

Alone.

So he crumples to his knees and his shoulders start shaking and tears start dripping and then the whole Cave freezes. Dick asks what happened and Tim... Tim doesn't have the strength to reply. He bursts into sobs. Openly. He doesn't care anymore.

The whole family gathers around him now, unsure as to how they can reassure him, but Tim throws himself to the person nearest to him. Which was coincidentally Bruce. He sobs into Bruce's arms and the delicate stitches rip and he's bleeding on him as well. But he doesn't care. He's given up now.

It seems that Bruce doesn't care either cuz he isn't showing any signs of letting go. Instead, he starts stroking Tim's hair. And Tim melts.

Snot and tears and drool are leaking everywhere. Tim hasn't cried in a long time. He's almost forgotten the experience.

"What's wrong, chum?" Bruce asks quietly, still running his fingers through his hair.

Tim is about to shake his head, but stops. He doesn't care now, does he? He doesn't care about what answer he gives.

"I feel alone," he whispers, so so quietly. And so so honestly. He's never been this honest before.

Anyway, so then the batfam comforts him blah blah. Damian was actually worried about his brother and didnt know how to express it. Dick too was worried and didnt know how to fix their relationship again. Jason was sorry and he still is cuz it was about time he accepted Tim as his brother. And Bruce... Bruce just wasn't sure if Tim still wanted to be his son.

And so, the batfamily and Tim learn an important lesson. Communication! Which, yk, is something they're sorely missing.

~

Idk if this is too long, but eh. I'm not gonna turn this into a proper fic though, dont really feel like it. If you or anyone else wants to, then thats fine! Give credit where its due and all, but yeah. Hope you like it cuz i literally made it on the spot and im still going through my burnout so idk if this is really that good.

Also, i dont usually write in present tense, i just plan plotlines in it. I mainly write with past tense cuz thats the only tense i feel is easy to be consistent with for me.

Thanks for this question, Vibes, I really liked it!

[not-poignant]

I was thinking of how much work and effort you've poured into FFS and how you've had burnout and health issues since you've been writing it, and then I thought about how horrible Ef would feel knowing someone was experiencing all of that while trying to write his story and then I just felt really sad and protective of both of you.

I hope you're taking care of yourself. <3

I mean, I don't really like to think of it that way, because I get enough guilt from myself (and sometimes other people irl) and I don't want to feel guilty imagining what a fictional character feels re: how I live my life. And 'this person feels terrible about how you're treating yourself so maybe just don't treat yourself that bad so they don't feel terrible anymore' is like very much guilt-tripping. So you don't need to think about it that way anon!

Efnisien can't feel terrible about it, because he's a fictional construct, and I created this version of him mostly to help me get through the pandemic, and the story has very much succeeded at that, and I've talked about that a lot! :)

But quite aside from that - I've had burnout and health issues since I started writing. In fact, I started writing Falling Falling Stars as a way of coping with an even more severe burnout caused by The Ice Plague. It literally came into being as a comfort and catharsis fic for my own self-interest. I didn't really expect anyone to read it, except for like two people, my beta - who loves Efnisien - and...actually my beta lol.

I've always been very honest about being an ill writer. Chronically ill both in terms of mental illness and physical illness. That didn't start with Falling Falling Stars, and you may have missed it before, especially if you only came in to start reading re: the last year or so, but it's like... I have a big track record being very honest about everything from chronic suicidality, to cancer treatments, to burnout due to working too hard and seeing a therapist about it. I've taken long Patreon hiatuses, I didn't work on The Golden Age that Never Was for 8 months, like, me being burnt out, or exhausted, or sick, did not start with Falling Falling Stars.

It's one of the main reasons I write, because if I was healthier, I would have ended up in a different career choice. I write a lot of trauma recovery because I live a lot of trauma recovery. I tend to write characters who aren't actually going through as much as I am, because it starts to become one of those 'that seems unrealistic, no one is dealing with ALL of that stuff at the same time.' But some of us are.

Falling Falling Stars has been an incredibly helpful process for me, even though I've been sick and burnt out at times while writing it. And I've talked a fair bit about that too (maybe you've missed those posts, or maybe it's just easier to focus on the burnout ones). But here's a whole thread about it that I posted on Twitter. There's like 6 listed reasons in that thread re: how Falling Falling Stars has helped me so much, so I think reading that might help. :)

But even if Falling Falling Stars was really hard to write, and was causing more burnout, etc. I don't think imagining my characters feeling really awful about it, or thinking that they feel terrible on my behalf, is a very motivational thing for me to think about. I already have people in real life that wish I didn't push myself too hard, and you know what I do when I feel guilty? Hate myself. Try to hide my problems from them. And conceal the truth from others. You know what it doesn't do? Magically fix the fact that I work too hard to cope with incredible levels of incurable 24/7 pain, fatigue, PTSD and illness. I really really don't need to create more of that in my own head, y'know? Guilt might seem motivational, but it's not really that motivational.

I'm super happy that Efnisien doesn't feel terrible about how I live my life because he's just a character, and he doesn't feel anything about me at all. He doesn't even know I exist. Writing stories is a place I can go to not experience extra guilt and the difficulties of interacting with real people who might go: 'You know I feel awful that you treat yourself this way' and make my problems about themselves, and make me feel responsible for something that isn't actually my issue at the end of the day. (If they feel that bad about it, probably they need to either not be my friend, or see someone about how to cope with their own helplessness, because if other people truly thought that kind of thinking would fix me, I'd be fixed). I know you mean well anon, it might even be a way of thinking that really helps you! And if it does, I'm really glad that it does.

But I'm not looking to feel guiltier about being a sick person who engages in unhealthy behaviours sometimes to cope with being a sick person. And I love Falling Falling Stars, and I've already cut back on how much I was writing it compared to this time last year. (Which I've also mentioned in posts).

I cannot avoid burnout. Even if I did nothing, eventually being this sick just runs my body and brain into the ground. Sometimes waking up and having a shower makes me so tired I start crying and have to go back to bed. I'd rather experience burnout while also getting to feel productive, engaging with people online, enjoying myself and getting to write someone's trauma recovery! Rather than just by lying in bed, still getting brain fog, still feeling agony, still being exhausted, etc. Like obviously I need to learn to strike a balance with it, but I'm better at it than I used to be.

Take care, anon!

[sunflowershouto]

cheering up an unmotivated s/o (kuroo, akaashi, bokuto, sugawara)

𝐚/𝐧: i felt this so this was no trouble to write lol, wish i had a kuroo or a bo to cheer me up. hope u enjoy my love! -leo

𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭: “Hello there!! I love your writing! Would you be able to do Kuroo, Akaashi, Bokuto, and Suga with an s/o who’s struggling with a lack of motivation for college classes? I hope that isn’t too much to ask!”

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: fluff

𝐊𝐔𝐑𝐎𝐎

✰ Tetsu is so good at this y'all

✰ He's a super perceptive person so not only can he tell when your work vibe is off, he also has picked up on the things that get you motivated, and how to get you out of a rut

✰ He's super sweet and supportive verbally, but he also acts in ways that will directly address the issue

✰ He helps you make sure your study space is clean, makes sure you're eating healthy, and most importantly getting enough sleep

✰ AKA he gives you free cuddles when he thinks you need a nap, he is a part time pillow

✰ Just talks to you about it because he really wants to get to the heart of it. "Why do you feel unmotivated? What do you think would motivate you?"

✰ If it's something that he can do anything to change or help with, he absolutely will

✰ Even if that's just reminding you to set alarms for your study hours or take a break from your phone or hobbies to get some work done

✰ If it's a problem he can't help with, he's just really supportive anyway. Extra study dates and lots of words of affirmation.

✰ He tells you what a good job your doing and will help you study, even if he himself isn't very familiar with the subject.

✰ His approach just depends on what you respond well to. If you're someone who benefits from a reward system, he'll go out and buy candies or chocolates to give to you when you finish assignments or make good progress on your work (this would work on me btw i'm 500% food motivated)

✰ Mostly just wants to make you happy, will try to make study dates fun so you can look forward to them

𝐀𝐊𝐀𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐈

✰ Knows you so well it's scary

✰ You haven't said a word, you've just been staring at your screen for an hour, but he knows.

✰ "You're not getting anything done, are you?"

✰ When you groan and flop backwards onto his pillows, he knows he's right.

✰ He's not the most romantic about it but it's 100% out of love when he sets down what he's doing and goes to sit next to you to look at your assignment

✰ If it's a topic he's familiar with, he'll gently start to push you along and tutor you so that you can get your work done.

✰ If it's not, he'll just break the assignment down into tasks and make it seem like a lot of little things to do that will all complete the whole thing.

✰ Kisses your cheek when you finish it

✰ He can tell you're feeling better just after that one thing, but he realizes that you're just burned out in general

✰ "Everyone gets burnt out from time to time, you know," he tells you, letting you rest your head on his shoulder. "You're not any less capable than anyone else."

✰ Wants to help so bad

✰ He'd probably honestly just take a look at your courses overall and make a planner for you so that you can block out study/work sessions.

✰ Researches ways to overcome burnout so he can see if any of them seem like good ideas for you.

✰ Wants to fix it, but also understands that sometimes you'll just need a hug or a shoulder to lean on while you get everything done.

✰ He's happy to do that too.

𝐁𝐎𝐊𝐔𝐓𝐎

✰ Bless his heart

✰ When you tell him that you're burnt out the first thing he suggests is to take a break with a fun date night

✰ Takes you out on honestly the best date of your life, and he's just so glad to see you smiling with your mind off of everything that's bothering you

✰ But when you get home and that tired, stressed look is back in your eye, it breaks his heart

✰ "You're still stressed, aren't you?"

✰ Starts thinking of ways that he can help, all with varying degrees of actual helpfulness

✰ Some of his ideas are genuinely thoughtful and sweet, like taking you out to a cafe to see if a new environment might boost your motivation

✰ Others are entirely impractical but 100% well intended.

✰ You were slightly concerned you caught him looking at megaphones and motivational speaking novels on Amazon

✰ Thinks about what he does when he's feeling uninspired about volleyball, and that helps to put things into perspective.

✰ "What would Akaashi do?" Is a question that he asks himself.

✰ He comes home one day with construction paper, glue, and craft scissors.

✰ You open your mouth to ask what he's doing, but before you can get a word out he just says: "Surprise. Don't ask. Not telling. Seriously, don't ask because I think I'd tell you if you asked, and I really want this to be a surprise."

✰ He spends about an hour locked in the other room working away and when he comes out he presents you with: Bokoupons. Like- Like Bo-Coupons. Get it? Why aren't you laughing? He's hilarious.

✰ He gives you the BokouponsTM, and tells you that every time you complete an assignment, you can exchange a coupon for its reward.

✰ Rewards include: An hour of cuddles! 30 minute make-out session (Please do NOT ask your Kotarou for extra time, he WILL say yes), MYSTERY DATE NIGHT! Movie night! and...

✰ "Ko, this one just has a winky face on it. What's that mea- Oh."

𝐒𝐔𝐆𝐀𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐀

✰ Already takes immense pride in being the best study buddy the world has ever seen

✰ Notices pretty quickly that you're not as motivated, more easily distracted, and just generally not as excited as usual about college in general

✰ That's no problem though because with a little of his certified study-buddy magic and a lot of homemade study snacks, your burnout will be cured

✰ Suga's love language is giving gifts I swear it to be true

✰ Slices fruit for you, makes little snack trays, goes out and gets you coffee or tea or whatever you like

✰ Sits and works next to you, gently nudging you along and reminding you to focus on what you need to get done.

✰ Quizzes you if you need it, or will just sit and work next to you if it'll help you focus.

✰ It's really sweet but he can also be pretty strict, even though it's always loving.

✰ "Y/N I swear if you don't put down the Switch and open your essay tab, this pillow is going to be crash landing on your head."

✰ Will threaten to whack you with a plushie if you keep procrastinating and in the same breath ask if you want him to cook for you.

✰ Extremely sweet, extremely strict and also extremely susceptible to puppy-dog eyes.

✰ "I'm beginning to think that you saying 'cuddling boosts productivity' was just a trick to get me here..."

✰ Even though he wants to see you get everything done, his intentions are rooted in understanding and care. You'll be dozing off in his arms after he coached you through that week's work, and he's happy to let you have the rest.

✰ "You know I think you're doing a great job, right? I know how hard you're trying, I know how smart you are. You've got this, yeah?"

✰ After your quarter/term/semester/school year ends, he takes you out for a huge celebratory dinner, regardless of how your grades turn out