#burrito copypasta

[gettingintoknives]

my beautiful notes app i love her so much. poetry draft, page number for an ebook i was reading on my work computer so i can pull it up again at home, the name of the mobile game my manager likes, page number again, the things i was supposed to do at work on thursday, my copypasta for the rescue’s social media posts, page number again, where my SSN card is, my coworkers burrito order, results of a preference sorter for rodent species, location of where i parked at mall of america (i still got lost)

[the-proship-hellhole]

Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito:

Have you ever been to Earth?

In Earth we use the word "burrito" to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I'm surprised got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, your and I agree, and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you, and anyone whose brain has been scrubbed repeatedly with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You are an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherf-ing ZONES going in that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito's end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A F-CKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming hopelessly trapped in the godd-mned cliarnto cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all f-cking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE F-CKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don't stand it to and bite down in it lengthwise like a f-cking Rancor. Humans can't usually dislocate their jaws, and I'm not a f-cking pelican. But you must think that's how it's done, since that would be THE ONLY F-CKING WAY to take a bite out of your craptastrophe and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can't guessanything, because I'm pretty sure you just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some sh-t into a tortilla, but just in case, here's what.

Humans also don't eat burritos like f-cking corn on the cob. Like a f-cking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time, then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I'LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT'S JUST GONING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN F-CKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I'M IN THE F-CKING CHEESOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT'S NO ANOTHER F-CKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a f-cking pack of Lifesavers.

And don't even think I'm going to open this sh-t up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY F-CKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT'S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU F-CKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO F-CKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SH-T BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT'S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What's that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON'T WANT TO DRINK MY BURRITO THROUGH A F-CKING BENDY STRAW, AND I DON'T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion: You're the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID "JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK:"

A f-cking fork?

I DIDN'T ORDER THE F-CKING CORNBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone handed me a burrito with a fork THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That's like buying a car and having them hand you a f-cking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERF-CKER'S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SH-T, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They're called f-cking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven't cried since I was six, but I'm f-cking sobbing now.

People way burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

Did...

Did you literally send me the whole burrito rant as a copy-pasta?

Omg anon. That's beautiful.

~ Mod Niecest

[spissed-off]

I got me an idea for a challenge! Would you... read the famed Reddit burrito rant in the magenta noodle’s voice? Just an idea.

That's a looooooong copypasta...

I'll consider it, but it might take me a few takes! Stay tuned!