#but I have them painted like Astarion’s default shirt

[theswedishpajas]

I beat my first run of BG3 last night.

It was wonderful and beautiful and I got almost the perfect ending I’d wanted.

I thought I’d be happy. I’ve been actively excited for the past few weeks to finally start a durge run after this.

…but hearing about my tav’s life with Astarion, happily searching for a remedy for his sun problem the 6 months after saving the world? It-

It’s left me feeling left behind?

I could use this to make more wonderful art to continue our story together, sure.

…but it won’t be the same anymore.

I won’t get to just exist and go look at him next to me and go “oh my gods, the lighting looks so cool on you here, love!!!” Or experience the act of giving him two rounds of kisses every night and morning.

Have him summon Danse Macabre and get to poke fun at Gale for looking like he’s disturbed and thinking real hard about the fact me and Assy insist these ghouls are our kids.

Hear Astarion’s rudely unhinged or petty commentary about things randomly. See him casually stained in red after a battle together, completely in his element, covered in gore.

I don’t get to just experience him, see his face and body move on it’s own, like another person…

And it feels like I lost something deeply important to me…

I’m already on my second run, now. A Durge run. It’ll add enough, I think, to feel like a whole new experience with him, without it feeling like a “waste”, considering I could always just ‘go back to my old save and walk around in a world where we’re already close and happy’-

Idk man

I normally try not to vent on tumblr, idk why I am rn

But I just needed to put it out somewhere, I guess? Somewhere not concentrated into a huge blast where me and my friends hang out, you know?

I really hope the durge run can fill the space left in my heart, or at least soothe me long enough that I eventually… slip away from this hyperfixation or something…? I don’t want to leave him behind in turn, but I know it’s inevitable with how my brain works and it hurts SO MUCH after spending tens of hours daily for at LEAST the past 6 weeks with him on this journey…