#but I mostly just feel bad for Fantine :(

[dolphin1812]

I’m particularly interested in this passage from today’s chapter:

“She [Fantine] has become marble in becoming mire. Whoever touches her feels cold. She passes; she endures you; she ignores you; she is the severe and dishonored figure. Life and the social order have said their last word for her. All has happened to her that will happen to her. She has felt everything, borne everything, experienced everything, suffered everything, lost everything, mourned everything. She is resigned, with that resignation which resembles indifference, as death resembles sleep. She no longer avoids anything. Let all the clouds fall upon her, and all the ocean sweep over her! What matters it to her? She is a sponge that is soaked.”

For all that “marble” is used to describe Fantine’s coldness/hardened exterior, it’s actually considered a fairly sensitive stone (mainly to acids). While it seems very sturdy, then, the “clouds falling upon” it and “the ocean sweep[ing] over” it would eventually cause harm, just as Fantine herself is not actually immune to all of her suffering. She’s just too worn down to show it. Her “resignation” is even paralleled with death through the structure of the sentence: “that resignation which resembles indifference, as death resembles sleep.”

Marble as a material is also associated with ancient Greek works, particularly in sculpture and in architecture. In this sense, it works well with Fantine’s prior tie to classical imagery. Whereas before she seemed to be an ancient divinity, now she is a monument, a remnant of the past. Of course, these monuments were (and are) highly valued. The sheer number of classical references in Hugo’s writing highlights his own connection to 19th-century Europe’s fascination with ancient Greece. However, these monuments were also considered “ruins,” suggesting that the use of “marble” links Fantine to some form of destruction and/or decay as well. Society is what made this happen to her rather than time, but she has similarly been eroded away.

This also isn’t the first time marble has been used to describe a character. While most references to marble so far have been literal marble (the tablet in the bishop’s original residence, for instance), marble has been used more metaphorically for two other characters: the Conventionist and Javert. In the case of the Conventionist, marble was used to describe the immobility of his lower body: “[he]  resembled the king in the Oriental legend, flesh above and marble below.” In this case, the comparison is indirect and is strictly about his appearance, so it’s not the best link to Fantine, who is like “marble” character-wise. Javert, on the other hand, is “a marble-hearted spy.” The stone is used to convey his coldness, strictness, and harshness, just like it’s used to illustrate Fantine’s reduced sensitivity. In some ways, they are made “marble” by similar forces, as Javert has also “hardened his heart” because of his experiences as a social outcast. Still, their “marble” natures are opposed (Javert is on the side of the law and Fantine is very vulnerable to that now that she’s on the outskirts of society), so it’s interesting that this connection between them exists.

Spoilers below:

The allusion to marble mainly makes me think of Enjolras, especially since there are already so many similarities in how he and Fantine as described. In his case, though, I think marble mostly links him visually to either a “hero of classical antiquity” or more recent works in that style, while also conveying his supposedly cold attitude. If Fantine is marble in the moment of her ruin, then Enjolras is the reappropriation of that marble image as an idealized symbol of the future.

[pilferingapples]

started re-watching LM 2K with some friends who also make terrible life choices

went in honestly thinking , Hey! maybe I am forgetting things! Maybe it's not as bad as I remember it being!

well 1.5 hours into this 8 hour fever dream and I can say. I was forgetting things all right! quite a lot of things! but whoo boy I owe Past Me an apology, this is bad and every new Thing I Had Blocked Out Of My Mind makes it worse

Thoughts, While I Have Them:

why does it start literally on fire

I'll give John Malkovert this: he does seem disturbingly horny for the idea of inherent traits and inborn social hierarchy. Beeblevert didn't really seem to know what to do with his phrenology displays; Malkovert whispers to them lovingly at night and probably licks them. This guy feels about eugenics like Grantaire feels about Enjolras. This guy is messed up.

( ...filmmakers know that when they've got someone with lots of human skull measurements and phrenology and Types of Human displays, they're saying that character is into eugenics, right? I'm not saying it's a bad move, it can be very accurate and telling ,but like. They get what that's doing there, right? RIGHT???)

The dialogue...is bad.... it's so bad...

"yellow is the color of happiness"

this timeline is a shambles. Fantine doesn't have Cosette until after Tholomyes is gone, and then apparently holds out for YEARS in Paris, since Cosette is if anything a little older than her book age when Fantine meets the Ts; meanwhile Valjean doesn't get out of prison until AFTER Fantine has moved to M-sur-M. Which of course means there's no factory for her to work at!

...but then after Valjean (very intentionally) steals from Petit Gervais, we cut to Fantine working in the factory. The Nettle Cloth factory . Which means Fantine was doing SOMETHING before Valjean showed up to Disrupt the industry with his Tech Breakthrough but like. What. If she was doing something else then why doesn't she go do that some more after she's fired? Because she very much doesn't, she goes right to attempting sex work...badly

like trying it with Javert first Badly

and then he threatens to arrest her but doesn't?? who is this man, what kind of Javert is he ffs . Letting a Poor go unarrested? Seriously this doesn't even scan with his characterization in this series

Instead he starts stalking Fantine and giving her Helpful Hints. He comes in right after she has a client?? and tells her to go to the circus??

She goes and finds the dentist and tries to get him to pull TEN of her teeth bc for no reason he's giving 4 francs a tooth instead of 20 for the fronts. The dentist is the only character in this show with sense and says NO THAT'S TOO MANY TEETH, and he just cuts her hair instead And listen we've got another Fantine with Mostly Straight Brown Hair , it's not even that long, and I'm sorry but there's NO WAY that's worth more than teeth, why do adaptations keep doing this

also why do they keep making Fantine so passive, so dependent on people telling her what to do? She makes bad choices sometimes--often even!-- but she Makes Decisions and fast, she goes all in without any pushing, that is a defining part of Fantine's character! but everything she does here gotta be because someone told her she Should

another one where Javert inexplicably goes to M sur M to see Cosette. Why? What possible reason for this?? he almost seems like he has a weird crush on Fantine rather than JVJ but that's. That's incoherent, for this character. even in this series!!

I've written so much and haven't even gotten to Valjean officiating a wedding for, apparently, a famous former sex worker in the town ? this is mentioned once and I don't think it'll ever be relevant again

1.5 hours in, Points For: a very cute little donkey, Petit Gervais having his Marmot, some very nice architecture, Baptistine existing

Unpoints for: everyone's bafflingly inconsistent characterization, the absolute mess of a timeline, Myriel still living in the palace but letting homeless people sleep on the floor?? , lots of very pointless Walking Around Time , Thenardier Sex , why do directors think I want to see them get it on, Please Stop

[breadvidence]

Les Misérables 6/9/2024 at the Fox Theater, GA

Sometimes purchases made on two too many glasses of wine are the wisest buys of all: saw the musical live for the first time, which seems like it oughta have come before at least three other adaptations I've watched at this point, and is an experience that gets into your guts in a way any film will struggle to match. I was in the mezzanine in the cheap seats which lost me a back corner of the stage and hearing whatever Kyle Adams was getting up to, but still gave me a solid view. There are so many ways in which this is the best adaptation of Les Mis, and finally experiencing music live that I've been listening to for decades—there are no words. So, since I can't express the profound side of the experience, I'm gonna write up a li'l commentary of mostly jokes:

"Overture": I notice the playbill does not list "The Confrontation" among the numbers and feel surprised no Valvert fan has had a public meltdown online about this change. Shrug it off, because people are starting to go uhhhUH on stage and Broadway will hardly give me my money back because they didn't deliver on the expected level of homoeroticism.

"Look Down": Oh, we're doing the boat? Are we going to dock the boat before Valjean gets his papers and—? Ambiguous? Missing scene: Valjean has to swim to shore because the cruelty of state punishment means when your time is up they simply force you to walk the plank to "freedom". Also, this iteration of Javert outsources his violence to underlings, which is an interesting choice. Boyd comes across solid and straightforward, even dignified, which is not the bared-teeth nasty energy I personally thrive off of from a musical Javert, but I have no comment on his technical skill.

"On Parole": Cartell masterfully handles the most important line in the Les Mis musical, Valjean's sippy of freedom water. He moves throughout this sequence with a cautious, loose, sometimes hunched body language, feral. If adaptations were about fidelity as such I'd bellyache about the violence, but it works fine visually, I'll go with it. At some point, I oughta mull on why musical Valjean is such a more violent character than in the novel. On the other hand, the Petit Gervais reference I will simply call clumsy and bad, if you don't know the book it just makes Valjean look like a dick and if you do it jars even worse. Cartell's rendition of "fliiiIIIIIIIⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱⁱght!" is solid, all my ears want from that line is to feel like the actor is making a weird noise they will not elsewhere be repeating.

"The Bishop": Randy Jeter is a distractingly attractive Myriel. I would fall on my hands and knees and put my ass in the air too, Valjean. Hot fuckin' damn.

"At the End of the Day": Coming off of 3.1.12 in Les Mis Letters had me primed to view the opening moments in which we see the "the Poor" as dehumanized figures, shrouded, moving strangely, almost monstrous, to consider the political implications of that, but it's bomb visuals so I don't much care. Haley Dortch is a fuckin tree of a person and I mean that in the best way, really interesting physical presence to be cast as Fantine. They seemed, from my distance, to be not insignificantly taller than Cartell, which I'm unduly delighted by. Speaking of Cartell: I believe the word the kids would use for his outfit as Madeleine is "cunty", those coat tails have so much swish.

"I Dreamed A Dream": The crowd howled for Dortch at the end of this song, and well-earned too. Briefly distracted by wondering what the theater theory is behind actors doing little runs around the stage—just sayin', I promise I will not lose interest like a leopard gecko presented with unmoving prey if they stay in one spot.

"Lovely Ladies": My awareness that I should feel badly about this depiction of sex workers vs eye-catching costuming and choreography, oh no. Boyd continues to be solid and uninteresting in this scene, but that's fine. At the end, the constables take Dortch under the elbows and drag them offstage backwards with their heels bumping along the floor, which prompted a totally inappropriate laugh from me, sorry to everyone.

"Who Am I?": Another case of end-of-number unintentional comedy as a gendarme holds out the handcuffs for Boyd to snatch when he runs after Cartell.

"Fantine's Death": I've seen the staging before where Valjean gets ready to dip partway through and has to be called back to the deathbed and—I'm sorry, this is a very moving duet, Cartell and Dortch did admirably, but that bit was funny.

"The Confrontation": The playbill lied! Unfortunately Boyd continues to do nothing for me and I'm neutral at best on the handcuff/chain choreography. The very brief choking laying him out has me dubious about his stamina.

"Master of the House": My awareness that I should feel that the use of the Thénardiers as comic relief cheapens their role in the novel as a complication of the inherent goodness of humankind and the redemption of the 'criminal class' vs eye-catching costuming and choreography, oh no. I enjoyed the hell out of this number, sometimes despite itself. There was a pegging joke, can I be blamed? Also, someone in the audience exclaimed in distress over the gag of a parrot being thrown into a meat grinder, bless them.

"The Well Scene": lay me out on the ground and cover me in dirt because I perished, I am too invested in these characters and Cartell brings such warmth to this scene.

"The Bargain": If you need me I will still be under my dirt over the continued sweetness of how Cartell plays his interactions with the little Cosette actor. It's my understanding he has children, and I'd be curious to know if his performances prior to becoming a father had this depth. I have always appreciated the impulse behind adding "Suddenly" to 2012, and I know that there are fans who feel it calls back to the novel meaningfully, but this production did fine with the material from the original libretto communicating the sense of Valjean's immediate devotion to this child.

"Look Down": Over twenty years listening to this musical and only at this moment do I realize that the meaning of the lines is "Lamarque is the only man who speaks for the people here below" and not "Lamarque is the only swell who runs the show". Shame. Because my brain is a Rat King of adaptations, Devin Archer's Enjolras reminds me distinctly of Yūji Kishi's.

"The Robbery": It didn't take more than hearing here you can always catch me out to know there was going to be a fucking killer rendition of "On My Own" in my future. It is difficult to sell me on Javert's line in this number without some bitchin' guitar as back-up, and honestly—I'm writing this two days later, I do not remember Boyd's clearly. Unfortunate.

"Stars": The crowd didn't trumpet quite so loud for this number as it did for "I Dreamed a Dream" and, later, "On My Own", but there was a big response, and—I don't know, I don't hear the vision. The use of street lamps in place of star imagery makes me wonder whether someone involved in constructing the set has been following @everyonewasabird's thoughts on the connection between those and police surveillance.

"Éponine's Errand": Half the theater was convinced at this point that we were at intermission o' clock, maybe because the most forward piece of stage machinery that closes had closed up? People stood up, we shuffled about, there was a surprised and flustered resettling when Mya Rena Hunter emerged with Cosette, now I remember!

"The ABC Café": Kyle Adams and the directing choices around Grantaire are both delightful and a distraction—like, sorry every other student, I didn't even try to keep track of who's who. There's something very lovely about being in a time and place that allows an explicitly gay reading of this story to be acted out on stage, that there's trust on the part of the cast and creative team in the audience feeling a connection to one man being a comedic tender mess at another.

"In My Life": Even if Brick Valjean never found his way to being honest with Cosette, Cosette would have been a healthier psyche were she able to express this level of frustration with her father, and I grant the slim chance he might've listened to her, some day. This exchange marks one of the big gaps between the musical and the book, IMO. None of which is relevant to this specific performance, they all have this. Cartell does an interesting thing here, either he was tired this night or a little off-balance or he was deliberately playing the character as having a limp or he'd forgot which bit of the play he was in and was moving like pre-Digne Valjean or he had not forgot at all and wanted the character to be, for a minute, like when he was feral and weary, in the beat between Delaney Guyer exiting and his following her off-stage.

"At the Barricade" (?): The bit where Éponine delivers the letter—return of the violence inherent to musical Valjean; this isn't the first one I've seen rough up Éponine a little, startled to find her outside the door, amped up by the awareness there's a threat lurking, and it's both outside the book character's nature and markedly more normal as human behavior. Cartell's voice pitches up all incredulous and alarmed on now that I know that you love me as well?, which got a cute audience reaction.

"On My Own": I thought the audience had demonstrated its greatest, loudest excitement over "One Day More", and I was VERY incorrect. Wailing whistling whooping excitement for Mya Rena Hunter, the roof near came off. By far the most intense reaction of the night even if not the longest.

"Javert's Arrival" / "Little People": I continue to be perplexed by the Grantaire & Gavroche side plot, but godspeed, I guess, I have no opinion one way or another for how that impacts reading any of the characters involved. It feels like this staging decided to put all its eggs in the Grantaire basket, so far as giving any of the Amis a reason to hold the audience eye.

"A Little Fall of Rain": There are so many people involved in producing and staging and acting Les Mis who know the theory and technique of theater better than I can ever hope to grasp, but: pulling the tied-up Javert back on-stage during the final moments of this number, disruptive movement and noise in the corner of the stage, feels like, hm. A decision being made that I do not understand.

"The First Attack": Boyd continues to have the erotic energy of an off-brand Ken doll, I don't in the least understand how tied up and manhandled and with Kyle Adams queening it up all over him that I get nada. Even Cartell tossing him up against a wall did nothing for me. More interestingly: the hesitation as the students decide how they feel about a restrained man being shot, the quiet before one of them thumps the butt of his gun on the ground and says—more or less, I forget the line—good job, is a curious, tense choice. The consensus among the Amis in the novel appears to be that Javert, as an agent of the state, a spy, has earned his execution just as much as Le Cabuc—and, given his capacity to inform against those who did leave the barricade, it's not unreasonable. All the same, it's uncomfortable, as a modern reader, and this production is giving us plenty of space to feel that emotion.

"Drink With Me": This was a crime against me personally, a gay not prepared to feel so strongly about Grantaire/Enjolras. Devin Archer reciprocates the care and attention Adams put into the dynamic to a degree that makes it read a lot more like a strained relationship than one-sided pining, which I'm fine with.

"Bring Him Home": As Cartell shivered through his last note, someone in the audience member lost their grip, they whooped like a hyena, brought me back to being a person and not just ears hanging on the climb and drop of the song. As a kid I always skipped "Bring Him Home" while listening to the soundtrack, put off by the softness, the pitch, and while I've grown to appreciate the skill that goes into it and feel far more deeply the summers die one by one, damned if I've ever got the song to the degree I get it now, having experienced it in person. & once the rest of us had got caught up with the hyena in the audience, worn ourselves out clapping and whistling, into the silence he gave another whoo whew!!, which prompted a laugh I think we all very well fucking needed.

"The Sewers" (?): Boyd took his hair down and now he's wild, good for him. Frantic, agitated, his scurrying bolting searching across the stage, the frustration with the sewer grate, he's lost his shit—I didn't expect him to bring any energy into the role, given I found him bland up to this juncture, but apparently he was saving all the interesting for the breakdown stage of being Javert.

"Dog Eat Dog": Low-key a favorite song of mine, probably for the same reasons that I listen to folk punk. Matt Crowle dropped the comedy utterly from the harvest moon shines down—it resonated, gave me a shiver.

"Javert's Suicide": Boyd redeems himself some—I will not be swayed, and unsteady on his feet. The aching vulnerability that Philip Quast brings to this number has not yet been unseated in my heart, and I've seen a clip of Tam Mutu in hysterics that was interesting and impactful, but this wasn't a bad take. There was an undignified quality to how he kept his knees bent after climbing up onto the parapet, a mimicry of that caution and fear of falling that is absurd in the context of a jump to death, that felt human and exactly as embarrassing as I want Javert's life to be. Now, unless you're going to break the actor I don't think there's a way to play the suicide that I'm not going to find comedic—I'm an unforgiving watcher—but they did their best.

"Empty Chairs at Empty Tables": Somewhere around here it was they lit the flame I began to hear sniffling and by oh my friends my friends forgive me it escalated to outright weeping. Big ol' butch bald man there with his girlfriend was two seats down from me and he utterly lost his shit during this number, bless him, and no wonder: Jake David Smith, who was a very charming Marius, you forgave him the stalking, but not particularly noticeable, all a sudden demanded our attention. I do wonder whether that audience member had lost friends, whether something about this spoke to him personally.

"A Heart Full of Love (Reprise)" / "Valjean's Confession": Throughout I debated whether Cartell's gait was a little odd, if I was misreading, if he was dragging his left foot, but here there's no doubt here, he's playing it up like he miscalculated his fluid intake and worked out hard, he's bodily fucked, Marius please lend this man your cane.

"Beggars at the Feast": Delaney Guyer pauses, uncertain, a flicker of fear, as she crosses close to Victoria Huston-Elem, and—listen, Hugo sure as hell doesn't ever give Cosette the space as an adult to so much as think about the Thénardiers, I don't know that I've seen it in any film adaptations, I hope it's out there in fandom but I'm in the wrong corner to know for sure (with one exception offhand), and it says how much I'm hungry for that deep-dive that seeing it acknowledged for ten seconds on stage has me writing in this tone about the topic.

"Epilogue: Valjean's Death": Cartell embraced Randy Jeter and I shed one (1) tear. Then he stopped, pulled away from being led to paradise to turn back around to Delaney Guyer to love another person is to see the face of God and—it's a cheesy line! it's absurd! it's not even Hugolian, goddamnit! the lyrics borrow a suspicious amount from Gillenormand! I refuse to provide you the tear count at this juncture.

"Finale": Dissociation! at the Broadway. Too fucking good for my brain to stay present.

In conclusion, were I to write the fic based off this one specific performance, which I have definitely not considered: I would proceed as firmly rooted in the musical as possible, and let be for the moment all those many Brick details in preference of saying: what are these characters doing? What did it mean for Cosette, to sometimes see from the corner of her eye her father with his sore leg dragging, his shoulders hunched, a feral dog light in his eyes? Was part of the strain in Grantaire and Enjolras' relationship that lingering attention Enjolras has for Marius, and does Marius ever think about the man whose ghost hesitated so long with his attention fixed on him? Do the Thénardiers circle back around, and how does Cosette reckon meeting her childhood nightmare as one woman to another? If I had no other context, I would say that Javert's breakdown is half at least about being held captive, with Jean Valjean a wretched complication—as he stood on the parapet, could he still smell the brandy on the breath of the murderous drunk who clutched arms around his chest, weighed down his back, all around them the gunfire and the smoke? Does Jean Valjean get to screw around with incredibly hot Myriel in the afterlife? This is not a musical experience that inspired fix-its; the dead are dead. It would have to be a story about ghosts.

[winter-parrot]

went and saw the les mis nat tour. thought i maybe wouldn't cry so much this time, was wrong. having lots of thoughts and feelings. i'm gonna dump them here in whatever tangle they come out in because i want to document some of it while it is still Fresh.

act 1

did not expect the prologue (esp on parole) to hit me that hard. i almost cried and that was when i knew i was in for it tonight.

there were!! little brick moments esp in the prologue!!! that i really loved!!!

valjean stealing a coin from a kid. this has to be a petit gervais reference even it it came early during on parole instead of the brick-accurate what have i done

baptistine and mme. magloire were there with myriel!

fauchelevent got his leg wrecked by the cart and specifically had to be carried off, which doesn't feel like a detail i've seen often

the entire town coming out with pitchforks to see valjean arrested was A Lot.

they didn't do the parole slip rip-to-the-beat thing!! they just did one (1) at the end i miss it.

they gave?? most of the factory girls solo over to the foreman??? that was a weird choice

they made fantine's firing more personal for valjean, mainly by having her try to talk to him and be brushed aside during the factory fight. valjean also paused to look back before he walked offstage. i dislike this.

lovely ladies was so brutal. oh my god. i felt her degradation and despair in the lovely ladies descent a lot more viscerally than i usually do. and but god i wanted to punch bamatabois so bad. good work to the actor, but fuck that guy

tiny tiny nit but they kept saying monsieur mayor which was driving me nuts. pick a langaug dammit!

runaway cart continues to feel choppy bc of all the lines they cut out of it.

it's not by the face, it's not by the voice, no, it's by the lifting that you recognize a man. this will always be funny to me.

there was!! a french flag!!! flying over the courtroom scene!!! it had words on them but i couldn't see all of it. the middle looked like egalite as you'd expect, but the far right was justice?? fraternite seems like a weird one to replace with justice, so maybe the whole thing was different? I couldn't even see the left where liberte would go bc of the stage lights.

little cosette was so good. oh sweet child you desrve all the hugs.

surprisingly managed to mostly enjoy master of the house. hated the opening more than i ever have before, specifically watching the audience laugh at mme thenardier abusing cosette. i realize it's not entirely the audience's fault, the show is absolutely playing it for laughs, but the ick was high today.

i will never not find show me where you live funny

look down broke in while jvj and cosette were stil having their sweet moment. idk if it was intentional but it felt very ominous and it worked

oh god gavroche was so tiny. i've never seen a gavroche feel so viscerally young, with all the invincible courage and rashness and childness bravado. i almost cried when he first appeared just because he was so small and so young and i knew what was coming.

i did a lot of crying in not-technically-sad scenes because i knew what was coming. oh god.

gavroche seemed to have a bit of hero-worship of enjolras, a la his relationship to bahorel in the book. this did become relevant in the most painful way that i feared.

i love enjolras's red waistcoat in look down

on the topic of enjo's costuming, i make fun of him for being half naked a lot. but i realized today that all the students are fully dressed (buttoned up, waistcoat + cravat, jacket) in act 1 but end up at more-or-less enjo level of (un)dress on the barricade.

is?? state of (un)dress being used as a visual shorthand for revolutionary fervour???

i think??? enjo almost got arrested after the look down scene. i missed the actual onset but i looked back towards him to find an officer waving a truncheon menacingly in his face, so.

in my life felt very ick!! which is not what was expecting. mostly it's the staging where cosette is trapped inside the courtyard pushing out at the bars, valjean comes in, unlocks the door for himself, and then locks the two of them back in. it brought back beeblemis trauma honestly.

(obligatory???) acknowledgment that vlajean does kind of become cosette's jailor in the brick, but the musical doesn't really have the room for that kind of nuance. not when we see so little of them.

courf just?? randomly grabbed a gun at the from nowhere?? at the end of red and black???

enjolras then shouted to the streets! raising said gun right before do you hear the people sing. this isn't the baricades yet!! this is a demonstrably bad choice like one (musical) day before your planned rebellion. especially if he's already been almost arrested. boy, what are you thinking???

i miss the revolve. they had to do some weird snaky maneuvers to keep marching without walking off stage. it looked stupid honestly.

garoche & enjolras's deaths area also elevated by the revolve imho

also the barricade revolve is just cool

oh god how am i not at the end of act 1 yet.

the one day more overlapping medley at the end felt werid disjointed and i'm not sure why?

one day more also made me cry not bc the song itself is particualrly sad but i couldn't stop thinking in one day more most of you will be dead which was. heartbreaking.

okay now i'm done act 1

act 2

i have less to say about act 2 i mostly just cried a lot

the tragedy of on my own really struck me, i think bc eponine felt more defiant?? like more angry about her fate, less lovestruck.

i cried at now we pledge ourselves to hold this barricade. more anticipatory grief knowing what was coming.

enj felt like a very good leader which i always appreciate. i love him, my boy.

javert's uncovering felt so violent in a way that i'm not used to seeing on stage. they fought. several times. it was very physical and tense.

also gavroche was so fucking proud and i was so fucking proud of him too and so fucking sad.

the audience laughed at now hat i know that you love... me as well which was. weird??? is that normally a laugh spot???

a little fall of rain wrecked me, partly for eponine's death, but partly for gavroche showing up just in time to see her die. musical gave no indication of their relation but i know and i was sad.

the progression from they will see the people rise to the people too must rise to the people have not stirred. god!!! this is not new but it did strike me anew today!!

courfeyrac??? told valjean well done, sir and like banged his gun against the barricade as a gesture of respect/praise??? that was weird on so many levels. idk where that came from.

i started crying near the end of bring him home and basically did not stop for the rest of act 2. only lessened in intensity at times.

grantaire's verse in drink with me was very belligerent and enjo was not putting up with it. i'm used to seeing this as a moment for enjo to comfort/soothe r (at least in the last ~10 years of productions) but this enjo was not fucking having it. it was more hostile than comforting. gavroche ran off to comfort r after.

oh my god gavroche's death. sans revolve they obviously couldn't show him on the other side of the barricade. so we just hear some shots, and then he throws the ammo over, and then he gets to the top of the barricade -- and then he gets shot down, right into enjo's arms. he then gets passed to grantaire, who stands there holding him for the entire lead up to the final battle.

enjolras was?? the first to die??? he ran up to the top of the barricade not to shoot but to wave the red flag, and then was the first to get shot down. then the rest of the amis in the standard cross-beam of spotlights thing. and then, last of all, grantaire puts down gavroche, runs up to the peak where enjo died, and is shot.

i'm not exactly upset about grantaire getting that moment, but him getting it alone -- esp after enjolras was the first to die -- felt like a weird choice.

the oboe solo pause after the final battle continues to be my downfall

thenardier says [God's] as dead as the stiffs at my feet while standing over marius. i have yet to decide if this is an intentional staging choice as commentary on "God may look dead but he's alive, i promise" or just a coincidence

they dropped valjean's there is a life to save line, no idea why

javert was so unhinged during his suicide. he was waving a pistol around for the first half and i briefly but genuinely feared they were going to restage his suicide to be by gun. thankfully it was an unfounded fear.

the candles are still my undoing!!!! i knew exactly what was coming when they brought them out during turning and yet. and yet. the simultaneous blowing out made me bawl.

side note, ghost!grantaire and enjolras appeared flanking gavroche and my first thought was are they his parents now??

dear god please do not let them parent anybody. they're bad enough individually but as a pair??? unthinkable.

i almost laughed during valjean's confession bc all i could think was ahh yiss story time with papa. i was still crying but it did not stop me from snorting.

can we cut that weird opening to beggar at the feast. you know the one.

this one's a jew is more ick than usual given current events

tacking on i might try it too after this one's a queer does not, in fact, make it gay liberation!!! it just makes it gross!!!

you've already cut so many lines from this show, why is this bit still here

take it away and give me back the i remember eponine lines in the same damn song!!!!

i think that's all for act 2??? even if it it's itls fucking late and this post has exceeded 2k words so fuck it.

general notes

i can trace the 2012 movie influences in places, that was unexpected

splashing waves as the opening imagery of work song

were the msurm factory uniforms always that blue?

did fantine's death always have that white curtain?

fantine spitting on valjean was a hathaway thing, wasn't it?

gavroche gets to keep his this is the land that fought for liberty line! i'm torn about this bc i love those lines but also this is my school, my high society bit was good too

the harmony at the end of red and black!!!! it was like my favourite music change for the move i love that they kept it

entire master of the house scene staging felt very movie-ish, just in the ~vibes~ of it

nose boops!! valjean boops cosette like four times i'm p sure that's a movie popularization

actor / character interpretation thoughts

valjean was good! i liked him better in the first act 24601/madeleine side than on the act 2 fauchlevent side, but still good

fantine was angry and i liked that.

thenardiers were mostly good. weird that they made mme obviously lust over other people??

marius was fun! good balance of earnest lovable genuine and idiot himbo booby.

did not like cosette. this is the first time i've actively disliked a portrayal of cosette and it was a big pity. the musical does enough infantalizing of adult!cosette already, i really did not need the actress to play that up.

mixed opinions about javert. honestly i think he's a fine musical javert i just like my book javert too much. obsessed with jvj, openly defiant to madeleine, very Godly, that kind of thing. but his voice was good and his suicide was extremely unhinged in a good way.

i fucking adored enjolras. he felt older?? which is not exactly the right vibe but it came with the right vibe of authority and calm that i super super appreciated. also he sounded beautiful and his hair was a glorious mane of curls.

grantaire is a delightful garbage bastard man.

i've already talked about gavroche but god gavroche!!!

courfeyrac kept catching my eye in both good ways and bad. kind of felt like he became ami #3? (after enjo and marius, per the musical). very often on enjolras's left, the first to seize a gun, the first to praise jvj on "killing" valjean (that was weird, what was that), etc etc.

song list in playbill was not incorrect but kind of weird. notable mentions:

the entirety of prologue was just listed as prologue

both what have i done and javert's suicide were just listed as soliloquy (not even x's soliloquy)

confrontation wasn't listed at all?? i'd think it was folded into come to me, odd as that seems, except that just has fantine and valjean listed.

drink with me became drink with me to days gone by???

all the little bits and pieces of song missing was expected, but seeing none of the battles listed at all felt a little weird. not even the final battle.

the spotlights on stage were mostly yellow/warm white, except for when someone died/was near death, where they got bright cold white spotlights. except javert -- he got the cold white spotlight in stars, too, and in one day more.

was this an intentional choice to make a statement about javert??

was this just an accidental coincidence??

did other non-dying people get the white spotlight too and i just didn't notice??

[meta-squash]

Brick Club 2.3.8 “Inconveniences Of Entertaining A Poor Man Who May Be Rich”

This chapter is so long. Here goes.

Is it normal for Cosette to have to knock to get into the house she lives in? Or is Hugo just using that as a vehicle to make Mme Thenardier meet Valjean first?

It’s times like this that I desperately wish I knew more about biblical stories and fables and things. This, a rich man in disguise as a poor man being treated poorly by innkeepers and taking something from them, sounds like a bible story or a similar type of fable. But the only two bible stories I know with similar themes are the nativity story and Sodom and Gomorrah and neither of those seem quite right. Still, this entire episode reads like a fable or fairytale.

We’ve already seen how Evil the Thenardiers are re: their treatment of Cosette. Now we are seeing their Evil in the form of treatment of the poor.

You know, that’s an interesting thing that I’m not going to get into in this longass chapter. Javert’s evil and Thenardier’s evil are different because I feel like Javert’s evil is a lot more muddied or obscured by morality and duty and things like that. Where are the Thenardiers are bad but the badness of their actions is much more black and white. I think it’s also because, technically, they never have social power over anyone unless they are manipulative, whereas Javert always has the social power. I’m not sure where to go with either of these ideas but I will look back on it for a shorter chapter.

Cosette is ugly because she’s sad. It’s like the exact opposite of Roald Dahl’s description of ugliness. I called it on the orphanage thing and kids looking years younger than they are; she looks 6 when she’s 8. That doesn’t seem like a huge difference when you look at it written down but the difference between the size and maturity of a 6 year old vs an 8 year old is surprising.

In the way that the description of the doll was a distant echo of young Fantine, the description of Cosette here is a faded echo of dying Fantine.

“Fear was spread all over here; she was, so to speak, covered with it; fear squeezed her elbows against her sides, drew her heels up under her skirt, made her shrink into the least possible space...” I’m sure this description comes from Hugo observing children in his lifetime, but I also wonder if any of this comes from his brother who had schizophrenia and was institutionalized?

“The expression on the face of this child of eight was habitually so sad and occasionally so tragic that it seemed, at certain moments, as if she were on the way to becoming an idiot or a demon.” What an interesting pair of choices. Fear and sadness either stun and numb you completely or they turn you aggressive and evil. Hugo said the same thing before when talking about Valjean’s prison time. Again, like I said before, Cosette here is Valjean when we first met him: exhausted, scared, sad, numb, hatefully terrified of the people around her; the difference is that she still has hope. She had that moment of hoping someone would rescue her, she had the moment of pausing and wondering what the doll’s paradise was like; when we met Valjean he was past that kind of hope.

(Funny that Mme Thenardier doesn’t suspect the trick Valjean just pulled, despite Valjean “finding” a 20 sous piece instead of 15 sous piece.)

I love the description of Eponine and Azelma because it’s so innocent. They as little human beings aren’t morally bankrupt at the level of their parents yet. They’re still pretty and glowing. Partly because they are well-cared for unlike Cosette, and partly because they are still innocent.

“Eponine and Azelma did not notice Cosette. To them she was like the dog. The three little girls did not have twenty-four years among them, and they already represented the whole of human society: on one side envy, on the other disdain.”

Ah, human microcosms. Hugo loves those. The Thenardier children and Cosette are the pared down, simplified version of society. It’s also an excellent example of how Privilege works in layers. The girls’ doll is worn and old and broken, but the fact of them having a real doll and Cosette having nothing is already a layer of privilege Someone else, another little girl with wealthy parents and a new intact doll would have privilege over the Thenardier girls. There are layers.

I really love this passage too because it shows the start of the zero-sum game between Eponine and Cosette. At no point are Eponine and Cosette able to be equals. But the important thing is that neither of them are aware of this. Later, when Cosette and Eponine encounter each other again in the Gorbeau house, Eponine doesn’t have the awareness to be angry about the reversal of their fortunes. She seems sad, mostly, a jealousy born from a feeling of worthlessness rather than feeling slighted. And Cosette doesn’t even recognize Eponine, so there’s no room at all for disdain on her part, unless she’s disdainful of Eponine et al due to their poverty, though that never seems to be the case. But Eponine cannot be happy while Cosette is and Cosette cannot be happy while Eponine is, because their goals occupy the same fulcrum (Marius) and they can’t both be on the same level at the same time.

Fanfiction has explored this a lot in modern AU but I wonder the kind of havoc that could have been wreaked had Cosette and Eponine met and become proper acquaintances. Their teenage personalities are two sides of the same coin. I’ve always been of the opinion that had they switched places as children Cosette would have ended up like Eponine and Eponine like Cosette. Because Eponine has the capacity for kindness within her, except that she doesn’t know how to use it selflessly; and Cosette has the same stubborn ruthlessness as Eponine, except that she is held back by convention and reduced to talking a lot in order to try and somehow glean information from Valjean or Marius.

“Now your work belongs to me. Play, my child.” This is the second (or third?) Myriel moment for Valjean. Cosette is a child, an innocent child, but her soul doesn’t need to be bought for god. As far as I can tell, for Hugo, children are always holy. Instead, he’s buying her work. But that makes sense. For Valjean, his soul needed to be bought for god because he had already lost it to sin and to evil and to doubt. Cosette still has hope; what she needs bought from her is suffering.

And here is where the parallel continues. Cosette up until now has been Valjean as we first met him: sullen, suffering, scared, dulled, close to becoming “an idiot or a demon” and now, like Valjean’s soul, her work has been bought so she can be free.

I think it is within the walls of the convent that their parallels will catch up to each other and they will become more equal.

I feel as though the cat in a dress vs the sword in a dress must be some sort of parallel to Eponine and Cosette’s personalities but I’m not quite sure how to pull the meaning out.

“A little girl without a doll is almost as unfortunate and just as impossible as a woman without children.” Ugh. Gross, Hugo. This whole chapter was so lovely and then this misogynist bullshit.

I can explain the “water on her brain” line! Mostly because it’s a medical condition I actually have! So, “water on the brain” is another term for hydrocephalus, which is a buildup of cerebrospinal fluid in the ventricles of the brain. It can be caused by being born prematurely (like mine was) or by infections/head trauma. Nowadays they can put a shunt in your head that pumps the fluid into the abdominal cavity (which is what I have), but obviously they didn’t have the technology back then. So what happens to the head if the fluid doesn’t drain, is the head will start to increase in size, and the fluid buildup will squish the brain against the sides of the skull, causing seizures and brain damage/intellectual disabilities and vision problems and other such things. I function perfectly fine except for mild dyscalculia and ADHD (which might have been genetic anyway) but back in the 19th century hydrocephalus probably would have resulted in either mild-to-severe disabilities or death.

Cosette doesn’t have hydrocephalus, but what she does have is severe malnutrition, which can make a person’s head look much too large for their body. So Mme Thenardier is likely using Cosette’s appearance due to neglect to fake that she has a neurological problem and explain why they have to “take care of” her.

Jesus fucking christ this next bit is so much. There’s so much going on. Mme Thenardier is talking to Valjean about Cosette’s mother, the drinkers are singing vulgar songs about the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus, and Cosette is under the table singing “My mother is dead.” to herself. Woof. It is, yet again, an instance of the memory of “Fantine” (in the symbolic, saintly form of the Virgin) being sullied both by the foul songs of the drinkers and the callous, flippant commentary of Mme Thenardier. And Cosette is there under the table, staring at the fire, suddenly playing the role of her own mother, rocking the sword-baby (herself) to try and comfort herself from the shock of this new knowledge that her mother is dead.

(Anyone else read As I Laying Dying, by the way? All I could think of when I read that line was “My mother is a fish.”)

We start to see Cosette’s bold personality come out in fits and starts. She’s brave enough to sneak out and grab the doll Eponine and Azelma have abandoned. But it’s also an example of how desperate she is for something pleasurable and good, considering she’s doing that at the risk of a beating.

For the second time, we see Cosette so absorbed in her moment of “I Want” that she doesn’t see or hear anything else. Again, this seems unusual considering her constant hypervigilance. But her success in getting the doll and her increased confidence due to Valjean’s presence probably have something to do with her lack of awareness.

Cosette is caught with the doll. Is this the parallel of Valjean being caught with Myriel’s silver? Mme Thenardier says “That beggar has dared to touch the children’s doll.” The gendarmes don’t say as much when they return Valjean to Myriel, but it’s pretty obvious they’re thinking something similar.

“We are forced to add that at that moment she stuck out her tongue.” COSETTE IS SO CUTE I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHE DESERVES THE WORLD. Also I just love the way Hugo writes children, it’s so real.

Why did Hugo choose Catherine for the name of the doll? Is it to do with St Catherine? She (the saint) became Christian at 14 and converted hundreds of people before being martyred at 18 after rebuking the Roman emperor for his cruelty and winning a debate with his best philosophers.

“This solitary man, so poorly dressed, who took five-franc pieces from his pocket so easily and lavished gigantic dolls on little brats in wooden clogs, was certainly a magnificent and formidable individual.” Valjean is now Myriel. Outsiders are fascinated by him because he dresses so shabbily and yet is so benevolent and charitable with his money. Again, the difference is that Myriel’s name is always known, and Valjean’s is never known.

I know I say this so often but the distance with which Hugo treats Valjean is absolutely fascinating to me. Valjean has this incredible power to just go inside himself and not move, but we never get that kind if internality unless it’s really really important (like with the Champmathieu affair). Otherwise, Hugo keeps a respectful distance, and even when we get Valjean’s emotions described to us, I feel like Hugo is always holding back a little, like he’s not letting himself see all the way into Valjean, or Valjean isn’t letting him in.

Valjean asks for a stable; I think this is the first time we see his whole thing about sacrifice of physical comfort. Things like this asking for the stable and sleeping in the shed behind the house at Rue Plumet and not having chairs and only eating black bread etc. This is the first example we see of him feeling unworthy of physical comforts to such a degree.

(It’s interesting to me that we don’t see this characteristic when he was mayor, or at least not to this extreme. Is it because it would be unbecoming of a mayor and therefore would blow his cover? Or did going back to prison hammer in that feeling of worthlessness and lesser-than and warp his perception of what he is compared to others?)

“What a sublime, sweet thing is hope in a child who has never known anything but its opposite!” We’ve said this already, but Cosette is full of hope and life and light and that is Important because it is exactly what Valjean did not have when he was in her position. But it means that she doesn’t have to work as hard in her ascent towards happiness and goodness.

And, lastly, I love that the placement of the gold Louis in Cosette’s shoe isn’t just a sweet Christmas gesture or a gesture towards Cosette: it’s also an echo of M Madeleine breaking into houses to place gold pieces on the table.

Wow. Long af post for a long af chapter. Congratulations if you read through all of my rambling thoughts.

[synteis]

Musings on Javert and Valjean in the 1987 Les Mis performance

Ever since I was introduced to the 1987 recording starring Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean and Terrence Mann as Javert, I've wanted to do a write up. First, this is the result of discussions with several people including @pureanonofficial, @everyonewasabird, @fremedon and especially @iammagicfishhook who I originally discussed all of this with. Second, I really recommend finding some of this recording. MiserableMoments and aurora spiderwoman on Youtube have most of it posted if you look for it.

I should say that I love a lot of performances but I do think this one is pretty special. This is the OBC and Terrence Mann and Colm Wilkinson both originated these roles. Terrence Mann is not the best vocalist to ever play Javert but wow can he act! He manages to pull out so many emotions which change over the course of all of his lines. You can totally chart his character's journey by tone alone. I'm sure everyone reading this is familiar with Colm's incredible performance as Jean Valjean but it's worth noting that Terrence brings out some aspect of Colm's Jean Valjean that I'm not used to hearing.

Terrence's Javert is so perfectly sassy and dramatic, in much the same way that he is in the book. His Javert is consciously being upright and knows he has dramatic music and uses it all to create the impression he's after. He's a snob and he instictively wants to talk back to Valjean even when he's under the guise of Madeleine.

Onto specific song analysis:

Runaway Cart: One of my favourite details is how tenderly Javert says "Jean Valjean" in this song and others. It's always when Javert isn't talking (knowingly) to Valjean himself. It happens later in Paris too both in The Robbery as well as Stars. Catching Jean Valjean feels like a fundamental part of Javert that he's precious about. It reminds me of how in the Brick, Javert will talk out loud to himself where anyone could hear if they cared to listen.

Another thing I love in this song is how it's super clear that even disguised, they effortlessly get on each other's nerves, especially in this song. They both almost toy with the other. It's like a side of them only comes out when the other person is around and it's their more animal/bagne self.

Confrontation: Mann's Javert brings out the desperation from Colm's Valjean. We open the song with Valjean begging Javert to give him three days to rescue Cosette. It is so moving to me that in spite of what he knows of Javert, you can still hear the small kernel of hope in Valjean's voice. But of course, Javert crushes that hope very quickly and the intensity ramps up very fast in the aftermath of that. We really see a transition from Monsieur Madeleine to Jean Valjean, convict/Jean Le Cric over the course of the song as Valjean becomes more inclined towards that violent, more institual self. But then Valjean subdos Javert and pulls himself togetehr to talk to Fantine's soul and he is bac to being himself. Fish pointed out that you can feel the pride that Javert feels at that violence/threat because it justifies his belief that a con can't become a lawful man. They harmonize for the last note of this song and it's glorious.

The Robbery Javert is at his #1 most dramatic and sassy here, especially at his entrance.

Stars Stars is a real masterpiece in Terrence Mann's hands. He's not in a good place when his Javert sings this song. When he sings "Lord let me find him," you get that tenderness again only this time it's contrasted by the immediate followup of "I will see him safe behind bars" which is sung completely differently. you get the feeling that there's this internal tenderness that has attached itself to Jean Valjean (or to catching him at least) which is protected by Javert's understanding of law/justice/social hierarchy but that it still pokes out ocassionally.

More specifically the layers are as follows, from the inside out that small tenderness and then the hatred of his past and people like him then the protocol and rules and at the top, the snark and diva qualities

Upon These Stones Terrence Mann pulls out a whole new voice as a spy. Instead of being very rhytmic and stoccato, it's been smoothed out but such that you can still feel the underlying desire/emotion through it. He sounds like a bad liar which is perfect for his character. Further than that, in trying to not sound like himself, he is uncomfortable. He's a spy not a double agent. He's used to observing, not to influencing and it shows!

First Attack Thie exchange where Valjean frees Javert has so much oing on. We get Valjean being initially measured but Javert just explodes at him. He's at his most feral here. It's also clear that he tries to preempt into own explosion and he mostly succeeds at that.  When he goes "your life is safe in my hands," it sounds like he's talking under his breath so that the students don't hear him admitting that he definitely won't be killing Javert. Javert's response to all of this is confusion. Meanwhile, Madeleine/Valjean is just getting more worked up. When Mann's Javert says, "once a thief forever a thief," you can tell that he's trying to convince himself and that he's already derailing. He shows immediate tenderness at, "you would trade your life for mine" and then he gets it under control again once he realizes Valjean could be trying to make a deal. But this leads to Valjean's wonderful monologue where he attempt pass the bishop's message down to Javert.

Javert's Suicide I love that upon  seeing Javert, Valjean's immediate reaction is to lose it. He's had a crazy long day and he's just carried a grown man through the sewers. It is such a human moment. Valjean just can't w Javert anymore, he's just frustrated that nothing reaches him ever (so he thinks). Meanwhile, they've definitely reached Javert which is why he isn't being himself. You can hear the his verbal parrying is duller and that his voice is softer. More so than that, the "lying voice" is back when he says "I will waiting 24601" but Valjean makes no sign of noticing.

This piece contains a huge range of emotions. At some moments he sounds like he's about to cry  and then he can sound like he's yelling. Durong the soft part his voice shakes like when he says, "it was his right" (to kill me). You can tell he's already at the stage where he knows emotionally he's been mistaken this whole time but he's not mentally processed that yet. I don't always feel this way, but it really feels like if Valjean had shown up, this Javert would have cried at his feet

[alyoshka-karamazov]

happy new year jehan <3 hope you're having a great time!

i am here to inquire your thoughts on eponine's increased prescence/relationship with other characters from the book to the musical. i like both but they tell different stories about her as a character and i unfortunately can't articulate it well so here i am

Thank you! I hope your New Year has been off to a good start!

Okay, so my thoughts on Éponine’s increased presence from book to stage? I will attempt to lay my thoughts out clearly and concisely.

So, when it comes to Éponine’s increased presence, I think a lot of it has to do with the period in which the musical was written. The show was originally written in French in 1980 before being translated to English in 1985. And as anyone who has ever seen an eighties movie can tell you, they loved underdogs. Underdogs pining after a guy who likes someone else. (See: any eighties movie except The Breakfast Club and Heathers.) Éponine was a great way to feed that niche, so to say. Éponine is poor, has fallen from grace, comes from an awful family, and is street smart. And by elevating Éponine’s role in the story, they get a beautiful, sad ballad about unrequited love. Not to mention, in the original London production (might have been Broadway, though, I’m going off memory) the Bishop Myriel was so supposed to welcome Valjean to Heaven with Fantine like in the movie, but they decided to have Éponine do it instead despite it making very little sense because they wanted more on-stage time for the original English speaking Éponine, Frances Ruffelle. (Can’t blame them there, I too love Frances Ruffelle.)

Now, onto the different story. The book and musical definitely tell different stories when it comes to Éponine. Once again, it was the eighties. They wanted a sad, wide eyed heroine to sing sad songs about unrequited love. But to make people feel bad for her, I guess they thought they had to sanitize her. Because in the book, she’s very morally grey. But that’s the point! (I’ll get to that later, though.) The point was, they needed to make Éponine sympathetic so they cleaned up all the questionable things she does (and there are many) and this unfortunately came at the detriment to Cosette’s character, but that’s a topic for another day. Anyway, in the process of making Éponine more palatable, they made her and Marius friends for to make it sadder when he rejects her and to make Marius more palatable too. I’ll explain.

So, in the book, Marius essentially forgets Éponine exists unless she’s helping him. Which is, you know, a dick move. And they want you to like Marius and feel bad for Éponine, but in their interactions in the book, it’s hard to do both. You usually just feel bad for Éponine because Marius is uniquely shitty to her for no reason often. So, two birds with one stone. Make you like Marius (mostly) and feel bad for poor Éponine. Again, unfortunately, this came at Cosette’s detriment but, once again, topic for another day and all.

So, combine all this (and the fact that they had to shorten the story, obviously to two and a half hours) and you get an Éponine who is drastically different from her book original. Musical!Éponine is someone you consistently root for. She’s tortured and her best friend over here is falling over himself for someone he saw once. And this is a perfectly fine narrative. But it’s not the point of Éponine. Book!Éponine is Cosette’s foil. She shows how Cosette might have turned out it Valjean hadn’t saved her. She’s tortured, yes, but she presents a more complicated question. How do you be good if you’ve only known wickedness? Can you? Or are you doomed from the start? Éponine wants to be good and tries so hard. But she never seems to grasp it. Almost every good act she does is undermined by something bad. Éponine (like Valjean) represents Les Mis’ theme: the fight for redemption and how love can give us this. Éponine is awful and at times you can dislike her. But, in the end, she does the right thing. Her giving Cosette’s letter to Marius means more in the book than her delivering Marius’ letter to Cosette in the show because in the show she’s always been supportive. It’s just sad, not anything special. In the book, Éponine is choosing goodness. She’s finally doing the right thing and sticking to it. She’s finally found redemption in love.

TLDR; the book and the musical tell almost opposite stories. The book tells of a girl fighting for redemption but struggling because she doesn’t know how. She’s selfish and morally grey. The musical shows a sad, pining girl who is good despite never knowing it. She selflessly puts others before herself time and time again. Which do you think matches the book’s origins theme more? (Spoiler, it’s the former.)

[fremedon]

Brickclub 3.3.7, “A Bit of Skirt,” and 3.3.8, “Marble Versus Granite”

I feel like I don’t have much to say here that @everyonewasabird hasn’t said in his writeups of these two chapters, so I’m just going to stick a pin in Marius’s internalization of the word ‘ingrate’ and the recurring image of a character turned to stone and write up what else I’ve got, since tomorrow we hit Almost Historic. (And we’re spending the rest of the week, and the next two, on the six chapters of 3.4, “The Friends of the ABC.”

Observations, in no particular order:

--We’re revisiting the notion of destructive curiosity--rapacious curiosity, even, in the way Gillenormand and Aunt Gillenormand pry into Marius’s affairs here. And I’m struck by how well Théodule comes off despite also getting drawn personally into discovering Marius’s secrets: “And no longer acting for someone else but out of personal curiosity, like dogs that hunt on their own account, he started to follow Marius.”

He even gets a dog metaphor! Those are never good! He literally stalks Marius on tip-toe, which is a hilarious image. But, like Fauchelevent, he satisfies his curiosity and doesn’t use what he’s learned--he doesn’t inform on Marius, for money and favor or for scandal-mongering.

--Théodule deals much better than any other member of the Gillenormand family with being proved wrong. He jumps to the same conclusion Gillenormand does--Aunt G feels “her conviction grow irresistably from that word ‘sweetheart’ delivered in almost exactly the same way by great-uncle and great-nephew”--but when he actually sees that Marius’s rendezvous has been with a grave...it weirds him out, a lot, but he does actually take this new information on board and modify his behavior accordingly. Good job, Théodule.

--The narrator is lying, or misdirecting more than he usually he does here: “[Théodule] came to Paris rarely, so rarely that Marius had never seen him. The cousins knew each other only by name.” Marius has never seen Théodule, at least not to put a name to him and remember him, but Théodule recognizes Marius perfectly well.

(I assume that Marius met Théodule years ago, when he was a child and Théodule was a teenager, and remembers Théodule as being a foot taller than him with bad skin and mismatched features. He has never made the connection to the handsome man of middling height who sometimes visits his aunt. And no one’s thought to introduce them, because of course Marius has met Théodule!)

--Marius speaks “stiffly, with eyes downcast.” Like Fantine, he noticeably avoids eye contact when under stress.

--Just before that:

Marius reddened slightly and replied, “It means I’m my father’s son.” Monsieur Gillenormand stopped laughing and said harshly, “I'm your father.”

The contrast between Gillenormand’s insistence on paternity and Valjean’s attempts to disavow his is sure...something.

--Priest imagery alert: “[Marius] was the priest who sees all his holy wafers thrown to the wind, the fakir who sees a passer-by spit on his idol.”

--Fatalité alert: “There are always these little accidents of fate that complicate domestic dramas. As a result, resentments increase although no additional wrongs may have been done.” In this case, Nicolette drops Marius’s locket on the dark staircase, and Marius assumes it’s been destroyed.

--T/V variation alert: Gillenormand, “[l]eft with a vast reserve of fury to expend and not knowing how to vent it,” addresses his daughter as vous for more than three months.

--I am fascinated by the convoluted entry we get into Volume III, the Paris half of the book, and its characters. We’ve taken our time getting into Volumes I and II, but our introduction to the characters was mostly packaged up into pretty discrete chunks: We had one book on the bishop, one on Valjean, a digression of one short chapter, and then followed Fantine as as our viewpoint character for the next three books. In Volume II, we had one book of Waterloo, ending with a glimpse of Thénardier and Pontmercy; then a brief, outside-POV look at Valjean; and then book III sketches Cosette’s world in two quick chapters on Montfermeil and the Thénardiers and stays in her POV until Valjean arrives, whereupon we rejoin him.

In Book III, I’ve been trying to follow what you would actually know of the characters when, on a first reading with no knowledge of the plot, and it’s wild. 

We get most of a book on gamins in general; one chapter of Gavroche’s intro, which is completely at odds with the character we’ll eventually get to know; a mention that the family that kicked him out (of their room in the Gorbeau House) is named Jondrette and that his mother loves his sisters, which is the first and so far the only clue we have to the Jondrettes’ identity; and, as the last two lines of book 1, “The cell next door was occupied by a very poor young man called Monsieur Marius. Let us explain who this Monsieur Marius was.”

...and then we jump into a whole book of eight chapters on Gillenormand. The last few lines of chapter 8 establishes that he has a grandson, still unnamed, and says “We shall return to this child”--which we do only after meeting the Ultra salons, then Georges, and then only toward the end of Georges’s chapter do we learn that his son is the aforementioned Marius. (And it takes all of Book IV, and the introductions of all of the Amis, to get Marius into the Gorbeau House.)

We talked a lot in Book I about the time it took us to properly meet Valjean, and all the outside viewpoints we get before we really get into his head, but compared to Marius’s introduction the book is *really direct* about Valjean. The narrative sneaks up on him as if he’s a cat we’re trying to pill, and I’m not sure why.

[neroushalvaus]

Top 10 favourite characters from any fandom

I was tagged by @limalepakko , thank you! Since I have recently listed male characters here (or you know, in August, but we all know time hasn't been a thing for many moons), I took the liberty to list characters in general this time. I also went with which characters feel right at the moment, so does not show all my favourites. I also try to keep these short. (edit: okay so these are not remotely short, I will post a list first and have the explanations be under the cut, read if you want to hear my ramblings c': )

1. Fantine, Les Misérables 2. Javert / Jean Valjean, Les Misérables (yes i am cheating) 3. Carrie "Big Boo" Black, Orange Is the New Black 4. Jane Marple, Agatha Christie's Marple 5. Aunt Lydia, The Handmaid's Tale 6. Bridget Jones, Bridget Jones books & movies 7. Rock Lee, Naruto 8. Sarah O'Brien, Downton Abbey 9. Marilla Cuthbert, Anne of Green Gables / Anne with an E 10. Sister Monica Joan, Call the Midwife

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1. Fantine, Les Misérables

I love Fantine with all my heart. I remember reading Les Mis for the first time and her story sending chills down my spine. Her character development makes me so sad, from a girl who falls hard and fast and won't deny anything from her lover, to a woman who is so beaten down by society that she can't do anything but laugh at her fate. But I love how she doesn't lose her pride or her fighting spirit and how she still has the guts to spit in Valjean's face when she sees him after being arrested. And I love how all she does is for her daughter and how despite selling "the gold on her head and the pearls in her mouth" she is content, because all that matters to her is that Cosette will live.

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2. Javert & Jean Valjean, Les Misérables

I was really trying to limit this list to one character per fandom, but alas, I am but a weak little person. Thus, I am cheating already. The thing is that when it comes to Les Mis characters, Fantine, Javert and Valjean are the eternal top 3 for me, but I'm never quite able to say who I love the most. Last time I picked Javert for the male character meme because I love the symbolism and critique of society his character embodies, but let it be known that Jean Valjean is the best character in all of literature and I will fight you on this. The original soft on crime icon (aside from Jesus Christ but they're the same and you know it). Valjean's character journey is such a complicated one from an ordinary man (no worse than any man) to a person, who had been shaped by society and criminal justice system to be a very dangerous man, to someone you could compare to a saint if you wanted to... To an ordinary man, who would do anything for his daughter. He has so many character-defining moments, the biggest ones being in my opinion the trial of Champmathieu and letting Javert go instead of killing him. I just love Jean Valjean so much and could speak about him for hours.

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3. Carrie "Big Boo" Black, Orange Is the New Black

Hopping away from the Les Mis hole and into a OITNB hole. I was debating on whether I'd put Boo or Pennsatucky on this list since I love them both so much, but I've been feeling so much love for my angry butch king that it had to be her. First of all, I'm just so happy to see butch lesbian representation where the butch identity is not just a joke. I know OITNB sometimes uses Boo questionably, but in general she is a nuanced character and one of the most interesting ones in the series in my opinion. I'm so sad they forgot all about her on the last seasons. I love everything about her, how she has trouble with feelings besides anger and often deflects serious stuff through humor, how fiercely protective she is of those she loves (boosatucky otp forever fucking fight me), how proud she is of her butch identity ("i refuse to be invisible")... Also, not to express attraction, but... Mama I'm in love with a criminal. And not to be a slut for how characters view religion/spirituality/God, but the relieved smile she has in one of her flashbacks when she says "there's no God... there's nothing", like you can't just do stuff like that and expect me not to love the character to bits.

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4. Jane Marple, Agatha Christie's Marple

Last time I listed Poirot and was a bit frustrated I couldn't list Marple, but now it's time to right that wrong! I love this little old lady so much. I love Agatha Christie so much for just going "you know who is the person who knows everything that's going on in a community, and thus would make the perfect detective for a detective story? the nosy old woman". As she is introduced in The Murder at the Vicarage: "Miss Marple is a white-haired old lady with a gentle, appealing manner — Miss Weatherby is a mixture of vinegar and gush. Of the two Miss Marple is much more dangerous." She is so likable and witty, you can't help but love her. My favourite portrayal of her is by Geraldine McEwan, she looks so gentle but has such a sharp gaze. I would spill all my secrets to her any day. I also am compelled to tell you that when I was a child we had a costume party at my school and I dressed up as Marple and learned some old lady things in English (it was before third grade so I didn't know much English back then) just for the occasion (such as "thank you, my dear", "what a lovely necklace you are wearing" or "there has been a murder"). Teacher might have thought me rather morbid but I remember that day being quite good.

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5. Aunt Lydia, The Handmaid's Tale

The Handmaid's Tale is such a great series and a book and Aunt Lydia is such a great character. The way she's capable of being absolutely cruel and vicious, but how she is also protective and caring in her own way. One of my favourite scenes in this series is when Serena Joy (my other favourite, can you tell) tells Lydia to "remove the damaged ones" from a line of handmaids and Lydia tries to argue with her. Sure, she is responsible for some of the punishments these women are now "damaged" by, but she truly believes those punishments were for a greater good and now the handmaids deserve their place with the others as much as anyone else. It is chilling and the character is such a dark shade of morally gray, but I can't get enough of it. The actress who plays her, Ann Dowd, has so interesting thoughts about her, like here. I just love this character so much I could scream.

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6. Bridget Jones, Bridget Jones books & movies

I'm mostly talking about the movies here because Renée Zellweger's performance is iconic. Plus the movies are what made me love this character first. But I'll give it to the books, they're one of the few books I've laughed out loud while reading. Anyway, how do you even begin explaining the love I have for Bridget Jones... I love how she is a character so many people can relate but who would be a comic relief side character in some other story. Yes, yes, it is really bad that she is constantly described as fat when she really is not, but when I was growing up she gave me hope that people who are viewed as fat and/or unattractive by other people can be admired and appreciated, and they don't have to be super talented at everything and highly intelligent and some kind of a super smooth social butterfly to "make up" for what they "lack". And also that they can have standards (i once dodged a bullet by rejecting someone by pretty much subconsciously quoting Bridget Jones so..). I also love how the comedic tone of everything does not dismiss Bridget's feelings. For example in some other movie we maybe would concentrate on how "stupid" Bridget was to trust that Daniel was in love with her, but in Bridget Jones we concentrate on how Bridget was hurt by Daniel cheating on her, how he is the one who did wrong. Idk I just love Bridget Jones so very much can you tell.

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7. Rock Lee, Naruto

Aka the boy who would have kicked Madara in the balls if Kishimoto had any sense of drama and good storytelling. I think I robbed Lee by not putting him on the fav male characters list. You know that post that goes like "gays be like 'these are my comfort characters', 1 literal ray of sunshine, 2 war criminal" etc? This child is the sunshine. I've been reading and watching Naruto again ( @hapanmaitogai is my sideblog for that nonsense) and I'm so ready to adopt Lee and/or Gai. Rock Lee is just such an earnest character, he has a goal he will give anything to achieve and he's the one true underdog in this manga. I love how he's so kind and polite (it's not so clear in English but in the Finnish translation he speaks as formally as he does in Japanese, he uses singular polite "you", calls Sakura "Sakura-neiti" = "Miss Sakura" etc... i love one polite boy). Also, he has the best fights in the series. Like Lee vs Gaara is a Classic, but we simply can't forget that time Lee absolutely crushed Sasuke in just a few minutes, or that time he politely asked Kimimaro not to kill him while he drinks his medicine. The best boy. I love that boy so much.

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8. Sarah O'Brien, Downton Abbey

Last time it was Thomas' turn, so now I must talk about the snakiest snake, the queen of weaponized handmaidenry, Miss O'Brien. She is such a great character especially in the first two seasons (I obviously love her on season three as well but Julian Fellowes really tried to make it hard by not explaining her actions at all, didn't he. Well, luckily I am ready to stuff the gaps with my headcanons). She has some of the best comebacks in the series and brings some needed realism in some conversations. I also love how she uses her position as a lady's maid for her advantage and how she is proud of her profession despite being highly aware of the power structures in the Abbey. And then there is the soap. That is such a good character moment, because for a character who always plans ahead, who is ruthless and cunning and intelligent... I don't think O'Brien thought about the soap thing at all before she left the room ("Sarah O'Brien, this is not who you are" hit me like a train). Just once she did something with nothing but anger motivating her and that became one of the defining moments of her character. And one of the defining things of the future relationship between her and Cora. That's why I find the Sarah/Cora ship so interesting, because there will always be the undercurrent of bitter regret. Also Sarah O'Brien and Thomas Barrow are the greatest brotp and Fellowes was a coward for driving the smoking scheming gay best friends apart, and

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9. Marilla Cuthbert, Anne of Green Gables / Anne with an E

I'm not saying L.M. Montgomery is entirely responsible for me having a fondness for strict, older women who first act unkind but have a heart of gold, but she most certainly did not help. Between characters like Marilla Cuthbert and Elizabeth Murray, how can you not fall in love with the type? It's been a while since I read the Anne series, but I really love how Marilla's character has been adapted into the Anne with an E tv series. Geraldine James looks like she was born to play her, she has me in tears so often. She has the ability to portray someone like Marilla, who is a very hard and stern person but feels deeply for her loved ones. I was watching the episode that dealt with Matthew's heart attack and Marilla berating her brother while hugging herself like she was trying so hard to hold herself together absolutely destroyed my heart.

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10. Sister Monica Joan, Call the Midwife

It was a tough choice between her and Sister Evangelina. I just love these nuns very much. Sister Monica Joan is such a lovable and wise character. She is so knowledgeable of many subjects, from the Bible to astrology, and I feel like her unspecified memory problems and confusion are handled very tastefully. I also love how she's such an important part of her community despite not working as a midwife anymore. She is such a kind woman and gets visibly upset when others are treated poorly. And how could I not mention her saying "I do not believe in weeds. A weed is simply a flower that someone decides is in the wrong place", like... I love her so so much.

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I won't tag anyone, but if you read this and you want to do this, consider yourself tagged and you're no allowed to mark me as the one who tagged you!

[secretmellowblog]

So about Gay Javert

OK SO.

BBC Les Mis screenwriter Andrew Davies has said things in interviews like:

“Curiously, neither Valjean nor Javert appears to have a sex life, but we sense something under the surface in Valjean’s response to Fantine and his over-protective love for Cosette, and one can even see a twisted kind of love in Javert’s obsession with Valjean,”

So yeah he implies Javert is gay for Valjean? 

In Episode 1 there’s a scene where Valjean undresses, and Javert clearly checks him out for a second, implying that he’s gay. And unlike the book where he’s just doing his job, Javert’s main motivation in BBC Les Mis is a queer-coded personal obsession with Valjean.

So I guess Javert’s flaw in BBC Les Mis isn’t that he’s a cruel symbol of authority but that he’s the “predatory gay” trope. I guess the new message of the story is that being gay makes you “twisted?” the moral is: “don’t be gay”

As a lesbian-- ok fuck you too Andrew Davies, whatever, etc. What’s really frustrating me right now is this:

Davies is SO BAD at creating homoerotic subtext!!!

He’s not just using the queer-coded villain trope, he’s so bad at it!!!!

And it makes me frustrated! lollll

I’m mostly joking about this but lol, watching a straight man attempt to create “gay subtext” is very difficult tbh..........his heart clearly aint in it..... he clearly doesn’t actually care about how being gay would affect the way these characters view each other and themselves. 

Like I don’t even really “ship” Valjean and Javert but I keep feeling like. “if I wanted to make an adaptation of Les Mis where Javert  was gay for Valjean, I would be so much better at it!!!!” I want to go over to Davies and explain how “Valjean and Javert are both such deeply Gay characters!  if you really wanted to create gay sexual tension between these two deeply Repressed(tm) men it would be so EASY! It writes itself! If you want to make them gay here’s how you would do it!”

So yeah I guess BBC Les Mis kinda makes me want to write a Valvert fic out of spite? (Or at least write a post about how you *could* reinterpret Valjean and Javert as gay, and how you could tie the queer-coding in their characters to the way they both see themselves as Outcasts who are incapable of having “normal” relationships. Idk?)

[everyonewasabird]

I feel like this fandom never talks about how Marius and Valjean just start straight-up gaslighting Cosette towards the end.

Rant below the cut.

[CN: manipulation, abuse.]

Marius has been mostly a noodle since forever, but as soon as he has power over someone, he deploys a whole host of manipulation tricks to make her forget her father. (Three guesses which relative Marius learned abusive manipulation from?)

And I feel really sorry for Valjean in these scenes--he’s obviously hurting. But he has all these creepy psychological distancing techniques (”Monsieur Jean”), along with a refusal to acknowledge Cosette’s feelings until she learns to make her feelings go away. It’s hard not to feel bad for him, but it’s also really, really, really not okay.

(Between the two of them, they are literally covertly moving furniture and making up weird lies to her about it. That is a Charles-Boyer-in-the-movie-Gaslight level of gaslighting.)

And Cosette reacts horribly realistically. She’s confused and conforming to the vapid cheerfulness they both want from her, and she’s survival-flirting because she is utterly powerless and every time she tries pushing back it does nothing. She has no loved ones outside the two of them, so they’re pretty free to keep resetting her reality. And they do.

And nobody ever tells her anything. It’s not like in the musical. She prattles about robins because that’s what they want from her, and all she ever learns is that her mother’s name is Fantine and black glass comes from Norway.

Yeah, Hugo had issues with women. But he wrote Eponine’s gradual transformation from Thenardier’s pawn into a meaningful moral agent. He had to have known he was not doing the same for Cosette.

God, this book has a dystopian ending, and I don’t mean because of everybody dying.

I don’t hate Marius. I don’t particularly want to read fics about him being demon-spawn. I *certainly* don’t want to read fics about Valjean being demon spawn. Fics where they make amends and Cosette takes some power back (and makes other friends for the love of God) would be great with me.

But their behavior is super not-okay, and I’d like to see that acknowledged more.

[roadtohell]

ok here are my final bbc les mis thoughts... i know i’m v late to the party but if anyone also has thoughts i’d like to hear them!

it’s probably not gonna sound like it, but i DID actually quite enjoy it as general entertainment. most of my complaints come from my interpretation of the source material as well as the 2012 film (which is impossible not to compare to)- if it was an original story i wouldn’t have nearly as many reservations.

things i really liked include:

absurdly cute baby marius, who i would die for

happy fantine :) for a bit

the handling of gillenormand and his relationship with marius, which i felt was v book-accurately sad and screwed up but also sweet when the time came

the thenardiers- the fact that they still retain a bit of the comedic edge only adds to the repulsiveness of their deeds imo.

things i really disliked include:

most of valjean’s character- he was generally angry and unlikeable. i think davies intended to highlight his struggle to do good, which isn’t an inherently bad goal, as book valjean totally has questionable moments followed by rackings of guilt (see: his attitude towards marius). the problem with the series portrayal is that what should be mostly internal conflict instead manifests itself in actively poor treatment of others throughout the whole story. sure, bbc valjean gives out money like it grows on trees. he also angrily fires fantine for lying while he himself lives a lie, stiffs gavroche on delivery money and tells him to buzz off, and makes cosette watch a chain gang to prove a point. it’s... an interesting angle, no doubt, but it misses the whole point of valjean’s story- the transformative power of kindness- by a mile.

a lot of adult cosette’s portrayal and especially her relationship with valjean. i get it, people often consider her tricky to write, boring, more of a symbol etc. etc. and feel the need to jazz her appearances up a bit. davies does not do a good job of this. her curiosity and idealism is framed as being frustratingly naive, as if to justify valjean’s overt possessiveness and control over her. he ends up physically restraining her over their “i want to see the world-” “well, the world sucks and i’m just protecting you” fight they spend most of their time having, which isn’t even resolved one way or another. the last episode does treat her better, thank god, but the cosette=love thing is less impactful when she’s literally pulled out the “i hate you” line. 😬

javert’s absurd level of valjean obsession- he honestly becomes a bit of a joke, eventually assuming valjean is the leader of the rebellion for no reason other than it involves crime. besides diminishing his competency, it’s actually easy to forget that he’s guided by his rigid sense of justice, not just his VPS (valjean positioning system). one day an adaptation will really take the time to explore how javert’s worldview applies beyond valjean, including to himself (i’ve always loved the brick scene where he asks mr madeleine to fire him), but it’s definitely not this one.

the sexualisation, jfc. frankly i think davies should be guillotined just for his interview statements on this topic. of all people, he decided to sexualise eponine and cosette. no i will not elaborate. there are also countless unnecessary implications, including between valjean and fantine, valjean and MARIUS, and a random convent girl onscreen for 0.2 seconds just to say she was looking forward to sex. but at least there was no santa sex scene, i guess?

thenardier straight up says he’s going into the slave trade and marius still gives him money... tf

the two boys gavroche looked after, starving in the street, is the final shot. because we all needed another dose of misery.

while i adore the musical, i can imagine why davies doesn’t enjoy it- it has no subtlety whatsoever with its messages about god, love, the LAW, revolution, death and everything else. add that to tom hooper’s dutch angles and extreme closeups and you have something that could easily be considered way over the top. davies presumably wanted to create a story that, as well as containing more plot than the musical, felt less preachy~ and more grounded in reality. in this, i think he succeeds- events are fairly book accurate, and a lot of the changes he does make, regardless of whether i like them, would certainly check out in the real world.

but hugo was one opinionated writer, and so treating les mis like a historical event comes at a cost. davies might despise the musical’s “doggerel lyrics”, but they are true to the novel’s message of compassion and love. in this series, the hope that shines through now and again is always quashed with little reflection; discussion on social justice, so clearly outlined in hugo’s introduction as the book’s purpose, is kept at arm’s length. therefore davies’ more cynical storytelling and characterisation, which also minimises hugo’s religious and political ideas, ultimately loses touch with the heart of les mis.

nobody who benefits this much from the musical’s success has the right to be such a dick about it, especially when the end product isn’t even better. to be clear, i think it’s a good series, and as an adaptation it could be a lot worse. but it’s hard to ignore questionable characterisation, sexualisation, and general steering away from the central ideas of its source material. i’d prefer to sit through russell crowe’s stars any day.

[mirkwoodshewolf]

That would be enough; Old!Roger Taylor x reader

*Author’s note*

Alright in honor of yet another Queen member’s bday this month one week after his friend and brother Brian, HAPPY 70TH BIRTHDAY ROGER MEDDOWS TAYLOR!! From all of us to you we hope you have a great birthday and always keep rocking and being your awesome self. Now this is my first time ever writing a current Roger Taylor fanfic so I hope I get it right and I hope you all enjoy this. So not really any warnings except swearing and a tad bit of angst but it’s all FLUFFY FEELS in the end. Enjoy my lovelies :)

Queen Taglist:

@psychosupernatural

@plethora-of-things

@ixchel-9275

@geek-and-proud

@queendeakyy

@waddles03

@coolcxt

_________________________________________________________

It all began in the winter 2016 when we were asked to perform live at the Grammy’s.  By we; I mean Adam Lambert, myself and Brian.  We were on the stage to wait the arrival of another artist we would be performing along with for the award show.  Apparently she’s a big name in America specifically on the Broadway spectrum. I would know because my daughters can’t stop listening to her recent musical she was in, “Hamilton.”

“Brian, Roger, Adam.” The producer called out to us. There walking beside him was a beautiful young woman around her early 30’s with (h/l) (h/c).  But what struck out to me was her eyes, she had the same blue eyes as I did, in fact she almost resembled me to a degree.  Hell looking back on all the times I dressed in drag, it was like looking at an exact copy. “I’d like the three of you to meet the performer you’ll be singing (y/n) (l/n).”

“Hello, I know you lot get told this a lot but—you guys were such an inspiration to me growing up. And Adam, you’ve got a range that I’ve never heard on any performer.”

“And what of you? Mrs. Eliza?” Adam vocalized which made her giggle.

“Hamilton fan I assume?”

“Girl are you kidding me? The second I heard about the album from a friend of mine I couldn’t stop listening to it. Your tickets are nearly impossible to get now.”

“I know. I never expected it to boom as it did. But as soon as Lin called me about the script and wanted me to be a part of it, I knew I had to get involved. It’s unlike any musical I’ve been in before.”

“I’ll admit my youngest daughter loves the show and couldn’t stop talking about it when we were in New York.” Brian spoke up.

“Oh wow I’m honored Mr. May.”

“Oh love, Mr. May was my father, please call me Brian.” The two shook hands with each other and she then turned to me. God she looked so familiar not just with my looks but she also had the looks of someone I once knew a long time ago.

“And the famous Roger Taylor. I must say it’s because of you I sought out the drums in my middle and high school band.” I snapped out of my daze and we shook hands with each other and said.

“I bet you were probably the best drummer there ever was.”

“Indeed, got my band to win Districts every year.” She said. “Would’ve gotten state champion my junior year of high school but unfortunately a few of the kids in the strings had to screw up the notes.”

“Been there before, mostly with this guy’s strings breaking.” I gestured toward Brian.

“Oh well forgive me but at least I wasn’t the one who forgot the lyrics to my own song.”

“I thought I told you to never mention that again!” I hissed leaving Adam and (y/n) to laugh.

“So shall we run some sound checks for a bit? I was told we’ll be performing after Pink.” (y/n) stated and we were all in agreement.

Throughout the day I couldn’t stop thinking about (y/n). Just the way she presented herself on stage just reminded me of someone but I just couldn’t figure it out.  After rehearsal one before the Grammys would begin in just 4 days, I sat in my dressing room when Brian came in and asked me.

“What is it mate? You’ve been out of sorts all day, what’s going on?”

“Brian, did…..did (y/n) look familiar to you?”

“You mean besides the fact she’s a Broadway star?”

“Brian I’m serious there was just something about her that just…..seemed familiar. Like I’ve seen her before.”

“You’re probably just overthinking this Rog, come and have a drink with Adam, (y/n) and I tonight. Adam’s buying this time after all.” I nodded and followed Brian to meet (y/n) and Adam outside.

We managed to find a nice restaurant pub nearby and as we ate a well earned late supper, Brian asked (y/n).

“So (y/n). How did you get involved with Broadway?”

“Well….it’s because of my mom. She was in Broadway, hell it’s been a tradition in my mom’s family. She was just a dancer but she was one of the best dancers according to critics.” At hearing that I choked on my water.

“Roger!” Adam exclaimed.

“Roger you okay?” asked (y/n).

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine just….went down the wrong pipe. Excuse me for a minute.” I raced out of the pub and into the fresh air as suddenly it occurred to me.

“Roger, what’s going on with you?” I heard Brian say.

“It all makes sense now. I should’ve remembered the last name, how could I be such an idiot?” I muttered to myself.

“Roger what are you talking about?”

“Do you remember when we did our last American tour at the start of the 80’s. And we performed at Madison Square Garden.”

“Yeah, where are you going with this?”

“Do you remember that Broadway show we saw? Umm West Side story I think it was? And I actually managed to hook up with one of the dancers.”

“Yeah (m/n). I remember you were crazy about her before you met Dominque.”

“I—I think the reason why she broke up with me was—because she was pregnant.”

“Hold on Rog. This is a serious allegation. You don’t think that (y/n) is…..”

“At first I didn’t get it but the more I look at her the more I see it. Brian she has my eyes, she’s almost like a reflection of me but with her mum’s hair. Brian I—I really think she’s my daughter.”

“So what are you going to do? You know you can’t just spring this up on (y/n) like this so suddenly.”

“I know, I know. I’ll….I’ll try to get alone with her and somehow slowly ease her into a conversation about her mum. Maybe I could even try to get reconnected with (m/n). To at least tell me why she never told me she was pregnant.”

“Now just be sure if you do get her contact information you don’t go off yelling at her. I’m sure she had her reasons…..”

“Reasons my arse Brian she kept my daughter away from me! I never even knew my first child would be a girl and I’ve missed so much….”

“Umm guys?” We turned to see (y/n) standing there. “Is everything okay?”

“No, I mean yes. Everything is fine love.” I assured her.  Her eyes gave off that same look her mum always made when she was concerned for my wellbeing.  God she really was my daughter.

“Okay, it’s just that you both were gone for a while and I got a little worried.”

“Don’t worry love, we’ll be just another minute.” She nodded before heading back inside.

“Just think about it carefully Rog. She seems to not know herself, so just proceed with caution.” Brian warned me one last time.

A couple days went by and it was just one more day till the Grammys.  I was now standing before (y/n)’s dressing room finally seeing a chance to talk to her in private.  I slowly reached my hand for the door and softly knocked on it and her voice rang out.

‘If it’s Debbie from the article fuck off I’m not giving you any dirt on Lin!’ God she really is my daughter.

“No love it’s Roger.” The door opened and she peeked out and said.

“Oh god I am so sorry about that Rog. I didn’t mean to do that I—”

“I get it, if you thought the press were bad today you should’ve seen them back in my day. God they literally camped outside your houses at the time.”

“Jesus, oh where are my manners please come in.” she said as she fully opened the door and allowed me inside.  I walked in and she closed her door and she said. “Can I get you anything? I’ve got water, champagne, some wine, beer.”

“I wouldn’t mind a beer.” I answered.

“Coming right up.” She went over to the minifridge and pulled out two bottles of beer and handed one over to me.  “So did you need anything?”

“Oh I just—see I feel like we haven’t really gotten the chance to really connect like you and Adam have, hell you even managed to spend some time with Brian and not get bored with him.” We both chuckled and I continued, “Only if you wish to. I don’t want to make you comfortable.”

“No, no it’s fine. I mean truthfully the reason why I never got to talk with you much is because…..well I’ve always been starstruck with you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah I know. All my friends had told me that out of every Queen member they’d be starstruck to meet it’d be Freddie. God rest his soul. I really am sorry about his death. I was just 11 years old when I heard the news. God I was depressed for weeks on end, couldn’t even listen to his voice without crying.”

“Yeah it—it was hard on all of us. I was actually on my way to see him. And I was just 300 yards away when I got the call….” I stopped as I felt tears fill my eyes.  Jesus retelling that day always makes me emotional.

“But he’d be proud of what you guys have done for the band. As well as everything else you all have accomplished. Even Deacy.” She said as she reached out and took my hand.  I smiled and placed my hand on top of hers.  It was then a picture caught my eye that stood on her makeup stand.

She turned around and smiled softly and said.

“That’s a picture of my mom and I at my first Broadway leading role. It was in Les Misérables when I got Fantine.” She reached over and grabbed it and handed it to me.  I took the picture in my hand and everything I had thought was officially confirmed.

There standing next to (y/n) was indeed (m/n) (l/n), the Broadway dancer I once fell in love with during our tour of America. She looked older than I last saw her, her hair was now a pixie cut short but she was still as beautiful as I remembered her being.

“Do you—still see her? I know life of a performer is tough and time constricting.” I asked her.

“I—visit her whenever I can. Bring her, her favorite flowers.”

“White lilies with baby’s breath.” We both said at the same time.  Oh bugger. “How did you know that?” she asked.

“She—she uhh….” C’mon Roger say something clever you old bastard! “She just looks like the type of woman who would love those flowers.” Oh please buy it please buy it please buy it.

“Okay.” She said a bit wearily.  “Well anyways I try to see her whenever I can. But it just gets harder and harder to visit her each time.” Huh? What did she mean by that? Is she sick? Was she abusive to her? Oh please tell me it wasn’t the latter.

“Whys that? If you don’t mind me asking?” I asked her.  She took back the picture from me and said.

“Well I’d like to clarify where she’s staying isn’t exactly a sunshiny place. It’s always hard to visit a cemetery.” What? Oh no.

“I’m so sorry dear. You don’t have to tell me the reason why…”

“No I feel like I should. After all you’re taking the time to getting to know me, might as well learn the whole package. Well this past year hasn’t been easy on me and my family. My mom was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. We—thought we’d have more time, but just as I was about to tell her that I got the leading lady role in Hamilton…..” she trailed off and clasped her hand over her mouth.

I did the only thing that I could think of. I wrapped my arms around her and lay her head on my shoulder.

“Tell me…..how do you make the pain go away?” she whimpered out.  I squeezed her shoulder and rested my head on top of hers and answered her as honestly as I could.

“It’s hard, and it may never go away. But something that helps me cope with Freddie’s death is that I try to think of all the great times I had with him. I’ve been around the old bastard so much I know exactly what he would say to me if I allowed my grief to overcome me. He’d tell me; ‘oh stiff up a lip blondie! Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you tried your best and I know what you did. Now stop your whimpering you big softie’.” I soon heard a small laugh coming from her.

It was small but I at least got a smile from her, her mother’s smile just as I remembered it.

“Your mum knew you’d get the part, I’ll bet she had no doubt that you would. So I have a feeling she’d tell you to keep performing and don’t let her death stop you from your dreams.” I rubbed her arm comfortingly and kept her in my arms for a little bit longer until she finally calmed down.  She separated herself from me and said.

“God I probably look like a mess right now.”

“Not at all.” I replied as I wiped a few tears stains from her face.

“Thank you Roger, I—haven’t been able to cry like that since the funeral.”

“I’m always here whenever you need to vent your grief. It’s not healthy to keep it inside, especially for a long period of time.” I said as I rubbed her back.  She nodded and that’s when a knock was heard.

“Ms. (L/n), it’s time for final curtain rehearsal and discuss when you and Queen and Adam are going to perform.” One of the volunteers spoke out from the other side.

“Be right out just give me a few minutes.” She called back.  “Well I better clean myself up.”

“I’ll leave you to it then.” I stood up and prepared to leave her dressing room when I was suddenly hugged from behind.

“Thank you again Roger, really. You don’t know how much it meant to me.” I heard her voice say into my shoulder.  I smiled both with happiness but also grief as I turned and hugged her back.

“Anytime darling. Whenever you need to talk, I’ll be there.” She nodded then headed back over to her makeup chair and began cleaning herself up.  I stood there and watched her for a few minutes, just seeing her mother in her and remembering all the times I spent backstage on her shows seeing her get ready.

Soon the big day arrived, the Grammy awards 2016. Brian, Adam and I were in our car being driven to the award show where we would walk the carpet and do a couple of interviews.  Once we arrived, the crowd was already huge.

Hundreds of people screaming and cheering, hundreds of performers and nominees were strutting around getting their pictures taken. God what Fred would do if he were here right now, probably photobomb a few singers just to be cheeky.  After getting a few pictures in, we were stopped for an interview.

Much of it I barely paid attention to, that was until a question regarding to (y/n) came up.

“So singing along with famed Broadway singer of the American musical Hamilton, what was that like for you? Is working with a Broadway star different than other singers?”

“Oh (y/n) was a huge joy to work with. She and I are practically best friends right now and promised me tickets to the next show.” Adam laughed. “No, no she’s an amazing performer and it’s no different than working with any other singer. Less drama of course but no she was wonderful to rehearse with and I can’t wait to perform live with her.”

“And Brian, Roger? Did you guys feel out of sorts working with her? Like did she feel lower to you cause she’s just a Broadway performer?” What kind of question is that?

“No, not at all. As Adam said she was wonderful to get to know. She’s definitely got some surprises in store for us tonight as she sings with us.” Brian answered.

“Yeah Broadway performers are no different than any other singer. It’s all about just mixing in the differences each performer’s got and she was a wonderful mix into this performance.” I replied without wanting to ring the interviewers neck speaking so lowly about Broadway performers.

After the interview I then saw (y/n) talking with a female interviewer.  Wow and did she look beautiful.  She wore a spaghetti strapped royal blue backless dress which had a small train at the bottom of it.  Thinking it wouldn’t hurt to just go up and say a quick hello (after all I’ve seen actors and singers interrupt artists for a quick hello or greeting all the time).

“So yeah at first I was really nervous but then—Oh my god! Hey Rog!” She hugged me and I hugged her back saying.

“Hello love.”

“Also joining us is Queen’s drummer Roger Taylor, Roger how are you feeling?” the interviewer asked.

“Tired.” I answered which made us all laugh. “But also honored to be here, this is our first Grammy performance in like 20-30 years so it’ll be interesting to see how much has changed.”

“Don’t worry not a lot. I was just asking (y/n) how she felt singing with Queen and Adam.”

“Well I can tell you it’s been an honor to perform alongside a talented young woman like (y/n). She’s been an absolute pleasure to sing with and I can see why so many people love her in Hamilton.”

“Oh Rog stop you’re making me blush.” (y/n) groaned out as she tried to hide her face.

“Well I won’t keep you guys any longer. Good luck tonight and we’ll all be cheering for you.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you so much.”

“No thank you. Cheers you two.”

“Bye.” We both walked away and as the press continued to holler and command more photos I said to (y/n).

“You look beautiful love.”

“Thanks, and you pretty handsome yourself.”

“Once a long time ago.” I stated.

“Hey now don’t say that.” She said as she playfully shoved me.

“Well then, shall I have the honor of escorting you inside milady?”

“Why of course you may.” She said in probably the most exaggerated British accent I had ever heard but I let it slide.  I hooked my arm out and she wrapped her arm around mine and the two of us walked inside.

“Well I’ll see you soon up on stage. My assigned seating is with my cast members since Hamilton is up for best musical album.” She said.

“Will do love, and good luck. I have a feeling you guys will win so many awards.” I told her.  She kissed my cheek and then headed out to meet with some of her cast members who were already there.  Seeing her with all her friends made me feel warm hearted.

“So you still gonna tell her after the show?” I heard Brian’s voice say.

“If I don’t I may never get a second chance. But there’s also something in me to not tell her. I mean what will she think of me when I do tell her?”

“I wish I could tell you what to do Rog, but only you can make that call. But whatever you choose, just make sure you don’t regret it.”  It was decided.

As the show went on, (y/n)’s first performance would be with her cast members singing the opening number of Hamilton. And hearing the song with my own ears, I was mesmerized, especially when she got to stand center stage singing the story of Alexander and his mother’s life after the father split.

Much like Queen, every voice blended so well together.  Even though there were so many of them, I could easily pick out each voice individually and hear it and their harmonizing just sent shivers up my spine.  By the end of the song, the audience roared in applause that I only heard in our concerts, but of course I was probably the loudest cheering for my girl.

As the show continued, we were now preparing to do our number.  I saw (y/n) take her spot by the piano and I walked up to her and said.

“You’re gonna do great love.”

“I know, I’m just nervous that I’ll mess up a key or note and end up messing you all up.”

“Don’t worry love, you’ll do great. I have faith in you.” I assured her as I placed my hand on her shoulder giving her a gentle squeeze.

“How do you always know what to say Roger Taylor?” she asked as he placed her hand on top of mine.

“It comes with being old.” I teased which made us laugh.

“Okay boys, Miss, we’ll be live in 2 minutes.” Said one of the producers.

“Well better get back up there.” I gestured towards my drum set.  She nodded and I walked away from the piano and sat down at my drum set twirling my drumstick in hand getting my head in the game.

“Welcome back to the 58th Grammy awards. And now for the long awaited performance of a lifetime. These guys have been kick butt in the music industry for years selling off millions of records since the 1970’s and joining them the runner up of American Idol as well as the leading lady of Hamilton. Here is (Y/n) (l/n), Queen and Adam Lambert.” The audience cheered and soon (y/n) began playing the piano as Adam began to sing “Don’t stop me now”.

Adam took the first verse of the song and as the song picked up Brian and I joined in with (y/n)’s piano playing as well as the bass player who was up on stage with us.  Lights flashing and Adam’s vice echoing through the speakers as he led the crowd in his own fashion.

By the second verse, the spotlight came onto (y/n) who kept playing the piano and I could hear the cast of Hamilton cheering for her.  Along with that soft soprano voice she used for her role as Eliza, for this song she unleashed such a raw, rock and roll alto range.  It was almost like if you could convert my rang into a woman’s voice, that’s (y/n).  

Also people suspect that most Broadway stars just sing and dance, well not this girl.  She’s told us that her mum taught her how to do the piano and guitar so she truly is a triple threat.

Along with playing and singing backup vocals on my cue, I couldn’t help but watch my daughter perform as at the instrumental break, her and Adam now stood side by side together and side stepped with each other like they practiced during rehearsal, she was a born performer. Whether Broadway or Rockstar, she was mine and her mother mixed together.

And that was enough for me to love her even more.

By the end of our piece, the audience was in a stadium sized cheer as we all came together at center stage, (y/n) standing between Adam and I as we waved of saluted to the audience in thanks.

More awards were given and soon it came time for award for ‘Best Musical theater album.’ An announcer read up all the musicals up for the award; Hamilton, An American in Paris, Fun Home, The King and I, and Something Rotten!

“And the winner of the best musical album goes to…..” all was silent and even I was tensed up with anxiety as I just wanted to race up there and rip the envelope myself.  I could do it much faster than this guy.  Finally it was open and he smiled and exclaimed into the microphone, “HAMILTON!!” I cheered out as loud as I could and whistled just as loud.

I could see (y/n) hugging her cast mates and everyone involved with the musical raced down the runway and up the stage as the audience roared with applause as the score of the opening number was playing and on the screen showed some shots of some of the actors in costume, including (y/n).

I wiped away the tears in my eyes as I kept cheering for (y/n).  She may think that no parent was there to see her get this award, but in truth she did have a father who was so proud of her and I just know (m/n) is cheering and crying in heaven.

Once the award show was finally over, I could see the entire cast of Hamilton all outside in a group huddle cheering and crying out as some of them including my girl holding a Grammy trophy.  Everyone was talking over each other in pure excitement that was until Lin’s proclaimed.

“Okay Hamilton cast, first round of drinks are on me tonight!” Everyone cheered and they all walked on ahead, that was until (y/n) spotted me.  She smiled and ran towards me and tackled me in a hug.

“Ohh I’m so happy you got to see it happen!” she exclaimed.

“Congratulations love. You and your castmates deserved to win.”

“Why don’t you come celebrate with us?” she offered.

“Oh no, no. You wouldn’t want an old grizzly man to cramp your style dear.”

“Hey what did I just tell you earlier?” she mocked.

“Besides; Brian, Adam and I need to be on the next flight out of here back to London to start planning our European tour.”

“So—this is it?” she asked sadly.  “Wow it…..it feels like this has all ended too fast.”

“I know what you mean. But you still got so many more awards to win love, you should be focused and celebrating every chance you get. Especially since rumor has it you’re up for a Tony award.”

“Yeah, never did I think I would ever get nominated for one. It’ll be my first nomination.”

“And I pray that they’ll call you Tony Award winner (y/n) (l/n) after you win it.” I said as I cupped her face and stroked her cheek.

“Thank you for everything Roger. And it was an honor to play alongside you. Give my love to Brian and Adam for me will you?”

“Of course.” We both kissed each other’s cheek and she went on ahead.

“Oh hey, next time you three are in New York, come see us. I can have security let you in backstage before and after the show!”

“We’ll take you up on that offer.” C’mon you old fool she’s walking away. You’ve got to tell her now. Do it! Do it! “(Y/n) wait!” she stopped and turned back around.

“Yeah Rog?” I walked up towards her and nervously stammered out.

“I—I uhh….Can we…..can we talk for a minute before you go? Privately.”

“Sure Rog, let me just text Leslie since he’s my ride to the bar.” She quickly sent a text to Leslie and once she saw the reply she said, “Okay he’s gonna wait for me in the parking garage and let the others know to wait for us. Where do you want to talk?”

“Mind if we go to my dressing room?” she shook her head and we both walked along to where Brian and I shared a dressing room before the performance.  Once we got in she immediately set herself down on the couch and took off her heels.

“God even though I wear heels every night on stage, I still don’t get used to stilettos. Whoever invented those heel brands must’ve had no skin whatsoever.”

“Yeah, they are a real pain in the arse.” I told her.

“So what do you want to talk about Roger?” she asked.

Here it was, the moment of truth.  It was either say it now or let it blow up in your face.

“You—you remember how I knew your mother’s favorite flowers?”

“Yeah.” She said wearily.

“Well, I was completely honest with you (y/n).”

“What are you talking about?”

“I—I knew your mother.” I saw her eyes slowly widen as she just stared at me.

“You knew my mother?”

“Yes. I first met her back in 1980. It was after a Madison Square Garden show, Freddie, John and I went to go see West Side Story at the time, and when I saw your mother on stage…..it was like I was looking at a true dancer on the stage. She outshined everyone.”

“Yeah she was known for that.” (y/n) reminisced.

“After the show I went up and talked to her. Of course she was feisty but I couldn’t help myself. I was drawn to her, and soon we eventually became friends. Very good friends.”

“But…..if you guys were so close, how come she never spoke to me about you?” I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled and I said.

“I’m sorry I have to tell you this, and you may hate me after I tell you. Maybe even think I’m a horrible person but I swear I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know what? Roger please you’re scaring me. Just tell me what this is all about?”  I looked down at my feet for god knows how long before I finally looked up at her and told her straight up.

“I’m your father.”

All was silent as her face slowly turned from shock to absolute horror.

“At first I didn’t know when we first met. But there was something about you that just seemed familiar. Then the dinner when you said your mum was a Broadway dancer it got me freaked out thinking that it wasn’t possible, but then seeing a picture of your mum it only confirmed everything. I didn’t know she was pregnant I woke up one morning and she was just gone leaving a note telling me she was sorry. I don’t mean to spring this on you at once but I—”

“Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.” She muttered in haste as she held out her hand.

“(Y/n) I’m sorry I just……”

“Stay away from me.” She sneered.

“(Y/n) please I swear I…..” but she kept interrupting me as I kept trying to explain myself as gently as I could.  She kept muttering to herself till suddenly I felt this sharp pain across my face and I found myself down on the ground.

“Just stay away from me! You’re a crazy, senile old man. Just stay away from me or I’ll call the police!” she then raced out of the dressing room, but I could hear the sounds of her crying echoing through the hallway as she ran.

I blew it.  Now that all was said and done, I blew it.  She knew the truth and seeing her so upset just broke my heart.  I didn’t mean to confuse her or make her mad I just—maybe I was being selfish.  

It had been about four months since the Grammy’s and ever since I told (y/n) the truth, I just couldn’t think right.  Even during rehearsals with Brian and Adam my head just wasn’t in the game as it usually was and they could tell but they didn’t push.  Can’t say the same for the managers as well as the touring manager since we needed to prepare for our next upcoming tour.

“Roger?” I heard my wife Sarina call out to me.

“Please love I….I need a moment to myself.”

“Rog, I think you should really come to the living room. Someone came all this way to see you, and it’d be rude to just toss her out into the London streets.” I looked up at her and asked.

“Who is it?” she gestured with her finger to follow her.  We walked out of my basement studio and came to the living room to see Tiger Lilly, Rory, and Lola sitting with (y/n).

I couldn’t believe it, all my girls together and talking with each other.

“I—hope I’m not intruding or anything.” (y/n) answered nervously as she fiddled with her fingers.

“No not at all.” I replied.

“Girls why don’t we give them some privacy?” Sarina suggested and soon my three girls left us to chat.

“Didn’t feel the need to tell them quite yet.” She replied softly.

“Although I bet Tiger and Lola would flip knowing that Elizabeth Schuyler is their sister.” She softly smiled and then looked up at me.

“I—I made some calls to my uncle Bobby and aunt Jodie, my mom’s siblings and told them if they knew. And—turns out you weren’t some crazy old man. Apparently when my mom found out she was pregnant with me, she didn’t want to tell you. She claimed that Queen was finally getting the recognition that you guys deserved and she knew you weren’t the type to settle down. She thought you’d leave her or ask her to abort me. So she just decided to pack up her stuff and moved back to the states and never wanted to contact you again.”

“What?” I muttered in shock.

“That’s what my aunt and uncle said. And now that I think back, she always did step out of the room and never spoke when I would play a Queen record or when one of your songs came on the radio. She never said she hated you guys, just—couldn’t listen to your songs. And apparently she knew when it was a song written by you.” I smiled sadly and stated.

“(Y/n) I—I never wanted to confuse or hurt you.”

“I know you didn’t. I shouldn’t have acted like that.”

“No you had every right to act the way you did. I know I would.” I said as I sat in front of her.  Hesitantly I reached out and cupped her face in my hands and lifted her head up so that I could look into the blue eyes she inherited from me. “Listen (y/n); I have missed so much in your life. Your first steps, first word, the first show you got casted in, every important thing in your life. And I can understand if you don’t want me to be a part of it now. After all you’ve become successful on your own and have grown into such a beautiful young woman.”

“It was hard believe me.” She choked out.

“But you made it. Look at you now. And your mum would be so proud of you.” I saw tears drip down her face and she nodded.

“It’ll be hard, after all I never knew I had a dad. So I assumed it was just my mom and me, it’ll take some time to get used to having a dad but—will you be a part of my narrative?” I only smiled and quoted her character’s famed quote.

“That would be enough, love.” We immediately held each other.  I felt her bury her face into chest and I buried my face into her hair inhaling her scent.  I held her as tight as I could and couldn’t stop the tears falling down my face.

God I can’t believe this.  I had another baby girl, and at last I finally got the chance to hold her in my arms.  My eyes, attitude and looks along with her mother’s as well as her mother’s hair, we made a perfect Broadway angel.

About a week later it was the premiere of the London production of Hamilton.  As a first success, the American cast came to kick off the show and then auditions would begin here in London.  With the help of (y/n), she gave all of us tickets and the best seats for the show. Not just my family but Brian’s as well as Adam and his parents.  And seeing my angel in her element on stage in full costume and makeup, she reminded me of her mother but also had the front lady essence that Fred once had.

But the number that got me the most was the number ‘That would be enough’ when Eliza confirmed to Hamilton of her pregnancy after he was forced to be sent home from the war.  The lyrics hit me so hard and the chemistry between my daughter and Lin-Manuel Miranda made me think of me and (m/n).

I also saw how on certain parts of the lyrics especially towards the end of the song, I saw how she would look right at me. The way she evoked raw emotion and even allowed tears to fall down her face just shot some serious feels (at least I think that’s how Lola says people call it now) right in the heart.

I was proud of my Broadway baby, I’m glad that now we can be apart of each other’s lives now.  And that was enough.

[semper-legens]

68c. Les Misérables: Marius, by Victor Hugo

Owned?: Yes Page count: 238 (this volume) My summary: And now for something completely different. Marius Pontmercy, a young law student, is fairly content at his grandfather’s house - until he learns some truths about his past. Meanwhile, revolution is in the air, but Marius is too busy staring at some girl to notice. Oh, and poor people still have it rough. My rating: 4/5 My commentary:

The next instalment of Les Mis! Only two more to go after this one, and oh boy, this one’s a doozy. Even more of those French political references that I don’t understand, and the Best Character shows up. Yes, I mean Gavroche. Gavroche is great. Courfeyrac can also stay. Also there’s this Marius guy, what’s up with him.

Look down, look down, upon your fellow man...

This volume opens with some talk on the gamin, the street children of Paris, and honestly it’s a delight? Even leaving aside the fact that it introduces Gavroche (hi Garvroche!) it’s a really interesting way to characterise a city - by characterising its poorest citizens. These kids are Paris, says Hugo. They’re not poor struggling waifs like Cosette. They’re brash and ballsy and fun, but they’re also kids living on the streets, and that’s not great. Hugo is, obviously, writing about the disadvantaged people of France as a whole as much as he is about Valjean or Cosette or any of the main characters, so introducing this mass of poor homeless children who seem just like a fleet of Artful Dodgers is an interesting move.

Ok, ok, fine, I’ll talk about Marius. I love Marius so much. He’s such an idiot. More specifically, he’s an idiot in a very middle class way? I’d call him bourgeois but I can’t spell it. For middle class, read borgiosasdkdjs.

Anyway, Marius. God, he’s an idiot. This guy marches out of his grandfather’s house on a principle, lucks into staying with some cool guys, then learns English and German really quickly so he can get a job, owns like one shirt but still refuses a better job because he likes being able to Think all day, then stands around in a garden staring at a girl from behind a tree for like an hour every day? I’d say he was completely adorable but for the fact that he kinda stalks Cosette a bit. He’s 20 and she’s 15 - not too bad for romance lit of the period but still. I love Marius for his principles, I love him for changing his mind, but mostly I love the fact that he’s constantly on a hair trigger for fainting like a Victorian maiden. 

More Thérnardiers! They’ve fallen even further from grace, and also Éponine is a character now. She’s not the idealised ingenue of the musical! She’s unattractive and weird and pitiful, and Marius is repulsed by her. It’s at the same time presented as a tragedy. She’s a Misérable, for sure, and her situation is largely not her fault - she’s making the best of the lot her family gave her. This will, as we will see, soon get tragic - for now, she develops a nascent attraction to Marius.

Ok, this is what I was talking about with the Thérnardiers. Their poverty is contrasted with Marius’ - Marius’ middle class, clean, ‘respectable’ poverty, versus their dirty, scamming, thieving poverty. Marius is the Virtuous Poor, the Thérnardiers are the Unworthy, who should just get a job or something. It’s reminiscent of people’s criticism in the modern day of ‘benefit scroungers’, and again I feel uncomfortable criticising them in this manner? Remember folks, only Fantines, Cosettes, Mariuses, and Valjeans are allowed to be poor and good at the same time.

And then there’s some revolutionaries. Apart from Courfeyrac, they don’t get a lot past their introductions, so I’ll save commentary for Saint Denis. For now, just know that Prouvaire is my favourite, but Courfeyrac is the best one here. He has so many good one-liners. “I have seen Marius’ best hat and coat, with Marius inside. Possibly he was going to an examination. He looked stupid enough.” I LOVE HIM. He also just takes in this random lost kid that was wandering about and takes him to his super secret revolution meetings? Sweetheart. Enjolras’ introduction is also great, but I’ll save Enjolras talk for later. Covering for the whole ‘I don’t know French politics’ thing you say, I don’t know what you mean.

Valjean and Cosette are also in this one! Hugo hits you over the head with the fact that it’s them for so long that honestly I don’t know why he doesn’t just say it. We see them from afar, Valjean as stern and shady, Cosette as ignorable and then BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT. Next volume has the best Cosette, I’m holding out for that.

Also, this has the best Javert. Javert doesn’t put up with Marius’ shit! Javert has great one-liners! Javert arrests everyone! It’s peak Javert. I know I said this about the last one, but I mean it this time. Peak Javert.

[meta-squash]

Brick Club 1.5.8 “Madame Victurnien Spends Thirty-Five Francs On Morality”

Hugo does this with so many of the societal tragedies in this book. He sets everything up like everything is great and everyone is happy, only to have the facade crumble. It happened with the students/grisettes outing in 1.4 and in the description of the Thenardier children at Montfermeil, and it’s happening now with the description of Montreuil-sur-Mer’s prosperity. Everyone’s so happy and has good income and pays taxes! Oh wait, here’s how the people of this town fucked over one poor woman. (And how many other women have had something similar happen to them because of the nosey people.)

I’m really stuck on the line that Fantine “forgot many things.” She admired her appearance and thought about Cosette and the future and was almost happy, but she also forgot many things. What did she forget? Not Tholomyes, I don’t think, because on the next page he says she thinks of him. It’s such an odd little phrase. I just can’t think of what “many things” she could forget.

Hugo says she rented a room and furniture on credit, “a remnant of her former disorderly ways.” Fantine thinks she’s getting herself back on track, that this renting stuff on credit will be the last time she’ll have to do something “disorderly” and that now that she’s making a living with her own work she’ll be fine. The Hapgood translation is “improvident,” by the way, which I think makes more sense. However I find it interesting that Hugo calls her renting a room on credit a lack of foresight, when really it’s just a necessity out of extreme poverty. She had 23 francs when she left Montfermeil, and I can’t imagine she has much--or any--left when she arrives. Her behavior in Paris, of not taking job opportunities when they arose because of her affair with Tholomyes, I think that makes at least a little sense to call improvident. But not her renting and furnishing her rooms on credit, which seems desperate rather than prodigal.

The townspeople whisper that Fantine “put on airs,” which is the same accusation Favourite had of her back in 1.3.4 while on the swing. Something about Fantine’s odd sort of innocence makes people think she feels superior to them. I was going to say I wonder if this is another way of Hugo insinuating her goodness, but I don’t think Fantine’s “goodness” is the same as Myriel or Valjean’s. Hugo called Fantine “wise,” and I think an aspect about her is that she’s wise on an emotional level, not on a social level. She understands the importance of emotional connection and devotion on a level we don’t see with the other grisettes or with the people of M-sur-M. She doesn’t seem to have any idea about the whisperings going on around her, she has no idea that her child has been discovered until she’s fired. And yet even when she hardens due to her suffering, she never loses the softness about Cosette. Her wisdom is about sacrifice, which is exactly the kind of wisdom that these nosey townspeople (and probably Favourite) lack.

I love Hugo’s condemnation of gossip and rubbernecking. It also makes me laugh because it’s so similar to the way that cops act. This feels like a condemnation of both gossips and cops. What’s the phrase? Kill the cop inside your head? Anyway, he sounds so frustrated and exasperated here. I haven’t read very much further into the Hugo bio, but I’m wondering if there was some rumor or scandal that he personally experienced that made him feel so strongly here.

Hugo’s really hammering home the beauty of Fantine’s hair and teeth here in preparation for two chapters ahead. Weirdly, this reminds me of the Bishop’s silver. Back in 1.1.6 we learn about Myriel’s silver, and it’s mentioned multiple times afterward. When he gives it up, he’s giving up the last thing that connects him to his past life and is put on the same level as any of the poor parishioners or citizens of Digne. When Fantine gives up her teeth and hair, she sacrifices the last two things that tie her not only to her old life in Paris, but to the possibility of success in society as a woman.

So from what I can tell, the Bernardines are a Catholic order also called “Cistercians.” Originally they tried to observe the Rule of St Benedict and focused mostly on manual labor, but later become more focused on intellectual and academic rigor. There was a semi-successful reform movement to go back to old ways in the 17th century. By the 19th century it seems it was mostly dissolved. The “Bernard” of Bernardine was Bernard of Clairvaux, a powerful French abbot who actually wrote up rules that allowed Templar knights to pass through all borders freely. He also encouraged the Second Crusade, though it failed. The Jacobins were anti-royalist republicans who encouraged dechristianization of the country. The Jacobins spoke on behalf of the people but many were bourgeoisie.

So Mme. Victurnien’s ex-monk husband went from being a monk of a fairly intellectual order who observed pretty strict Benedictine rules to joining the fairly atheistic, republican, radical Jacobins.

Madame Victurnien was strict and harsh because her husband was strict and harsh to her. Something I’ve noticed about the way Hugo writes about toxic/abusive/bad relationships between people is how children are affected versus adults. Victurnien and her dead husband, the Thenardier parents, even Gillenormand (with his spinster daughter) to some extent, are all horrible relationships where the treatment of each other means they both turn out pretty awful. However, the same treatment to children (Thenardier parents to their children and even more so to Cosette, Gillenormand to Marius) actually creates an opposite personality. Eponine and Gavroche are both pretty rough, but they’re also both fairly kind in certain ways, which their parents are definitely not. Marius is socially awkward but happy to help when he can. Cosette defies her childhood completely. It’s just an interesting observation that adults abused as adults become abusive themselves while children who were abused have the chance to end the cycle.

“She was a nettle bruised by a frock.” Does Hugo use “nettle” in this metaphor as a verb or a noun? Because to nettle someone is to annoy them, which works, as Victurnien seems to be an extremely annoying individual. But also we have nettles as prickly, stinging plants and as a metaphor from a few chapters ago for the way people become hurtful when neglected. Here we have Victurnien, this nettle bruised by a frock, hurt and damaged by this ex-monk, who becomes prickly and abusive herself. Perhaps with better treatment she would not have turned out this way; but she continues the cycle, beating down others and turning them into stinging nettles rather than them becoming useful.

Fantine is given her fifty francs upon her termination “on behalf of the mayor.” Madeleine is not even Madeleine at all in this chapter. He’s just “the mayor,” as Fantine had been just “the mother” back in 1.4.1. To her he’s this entity that has power over her, that even hates and persecutes her the way the townspeople are. She doesn’t see him, and neither do we; by this point he seems to have relegated factory admin jobs to others, who are then able to make the choice about who to dismiss and why. Again this presents a problem to his rules. People can make up any old rumor or reason to dismiss a person they don’t like or see as morally unfit, and because Valjean doesn’t seem to play as much a part in the running of the factory as before, there’s no way to dispute, except to go to him. And who’s going to go to him, if they feel the same shame that Fantine does?

Fantine is in limbo; she’s told to leave the city but she cannot because of debt. Hugo’s characters in limbo are usually on the edge of an emotional or ethical breakthrough, as with Valjean leaving Digne, Marius just outside the barricade, or Javert at the bridge. Fantine’s limbo doesn’t seem like the edge of a breakthrough, more like the edge of collapse. She really doesn’t have many avenues open to her anymore.

Also, what about sex workers who are more obvious? Later, we see Fantine walking the street in a ballgown. That’s very unsubtle. And, I don’t know, maybe it goes with her sort of social innocence that she would do something like that, but surely there are other desperate women who blatantly walk the streets like that. They haven’t been kicked out of the city. Surely they don’t--or can’t--hide their trade completely. It must be some sort of open secret. I understand that the reasoning for her being banished from M-sur-M is that Valjean has very strict rules, but it still seems so weird to me to set these rules up for some of the city but not all.

Fantine feels shame more than she feels despair. Which. Is a lot. It’s just awful that she has to feel ashamed for this thing that she would have kept hidden if the townspeople weren’t so awful. She has to feel ashamed for the one thing in her life that she truly actually loves and sacrifices for. Which is another parallel between her and Valjean. Fantine feels ashamed not because of her love of Cosette, but because of the “mistake” and stigma that Cosette’s existence implies. Valjean loves Cosette but he always feels a little bit ashamed, not at loving her, but because he feels she doesn’t deserve his love. Despite both of their shame regarding their love for Cosette, both Fantine and Valjean will sacrifice anything for her. It’s definitely a statement about the power of Love, but I think it’s also a good illustration of how both Valjean and Fantine seem to think of themselves as people meant to Suffer For The Good Of Another.

Fantine was “advised to see the mayor; she did not dare.” She believes this was his decision, and not some foreman’s. This is a failure on her part and on Valjean’s part as well. It’s a failure on Fantine’s part because had she gathered her courage and gone, she could have avoided everything that soon comes. But Fantine is so optimistic and sees through rose-tinted glasses, all the way until the moment everything collapses on her, and then she can’t go on. Her optimism doesn’t get her far enough to stand up again immediately; it has to rest first. But more than Fantine’s failing, this is Valjean’s. I assume he gets notified of who is hired and fired at his factory; does he not reach out when someone is dismissed to make sure they’re okay and to see if he can help? Even more of a failure is this rigid system he’s set up combined with his kind-but-mysterious air. He’s so nice and fair that the townspeople see these rules as kind and fair as well, when they’re very much not. But no one--including Fantine--is going to question it because they assume it’s set up in the spirit of kindness. Which I suppose it is, from Valjean’s point of view, but it’s misguided and twisted and ends up being far more damaging than it could ever be helpful.

[strife-and-discord]

Here Kitty, Kitty

Read on AO3 here

Characters: Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Dedue Molinaro, Annette Fantine Dominic, Lysithea Von Ordelia 

Summary: With the war going on, Seteth agrees to open the restricted section of the library in case there could be knowledge there that could help them in battle. Instead what Lysithea and Annette find is a book of mischief (although they don't know that's what it is at the time) and poor Felix who was just there to help them with the heavy lifting accidentally becomes their victim.

This is a Catboy Felix you have been warned.

A/N: *leans real close to the mic* I would just like to thank the ten-hour version of the Tetris theme for getting me through this

Anyway this is 3.5k words of catboy felix dedicated to @corviiids. I'll admit this chapter is a little boring cause it's mostly just the set up but I swear I have other chapters planned featuring plenty of catboy felix shenanigans and I am also open to requests (don't really wanna do shippy stuff though).

also just a small trigger warning but Felix does low key refer to Dedue as a lap dog later on in the chapter and I know that bothers some people

Felix’s nose twitches when Annette slams some ancient tomb down on the table near him, the damned thing is so old Felix is surprised it doesn’t just crumble entirely into dust.

“Careful Annette, that was too loud,” Lysithea shushes from her spot over by the shelves.

Given that they were in the middle of a war and that they were all adults now, Seteth had given the Blue Lions house the keys to access the restricted section of the library. Stating that it may contain old or unconventional knowledge that could be useful in the fight against Edelgard.

Obviously- being the book worms that they are- Lysithea and Annette were the most eager for the chance to learn some forgotten magic and asked Felix to supervise them in case there was some sort of accident. He gets that to some extent this could be important to the war effort so Felix agrees to hang around while they work. However, it’s turning out to be a fairly dull experience where the most Felix has done in nearly an hour and a half is help the girls carry some of the bigger books.

“Ahh… sorry! I shouldn’t have tried to carry one so heavy, I’ll be more careful.” Despite the plume of dust currently irritating Felix’s sinuses he can’t help but roll his eyes fondly at Annette’s antics.

She says she’ll be more careful but he knows that this is far from the last mistake she’ll ever make. Although, he doesn’t seem to mind Annette’s clumsiness as much as he does other people’s. As long as she’s got people like him and Lysithea around to help her out he thinks she’ll be fine.

“What is that one anyway, it’s really dusty so it must have been laying around for a while,” Lysithea asks as she moves to join them at the table.

Annette squints to read the title of the book and Felix thinks to himself that her eyes are probably going bad from all the studying she does. “Li-bri Eo-rum Lo- Lo… Lo-contour? I’m not sure about that last one-” Annette frowns- “It's spelt a bit funny,”

“Libri Eorum Loquuntur,” Lysithea pronounces. Annette and Felix turn to her. “What? I’ve just heard this language spoken by other mages before.” She blushes and looks away.

“Does that mean you understand it?” Felix asks.

Lysithea shakes her head. “No sorry. My understanding is very basic.”

“Oh well, we can ask Seteth about that later. Let’s take a look inside!” With that Annette jams her fingers into a random part of the book and heaves it open, creating another cloud of dust.

“Ugh.. geez! Someone really should have been taking better care of these things,” Lysithea coughs and splutters.

Felix’s nose twitches again but this time he can’t keep himself from sneezing. Annette snickers, “Felix you sneeze like a kitten!”

Heat rises to his cheeks, “No I don’t!”

“Ugh, you sneezed all over the book that’s gross,” Lysithea groans.

“Sorry,” he grumbles.

Annette just giggles at him again before turning her attention to the now open book.

“Hm… weird, the book is written in the same language as the cover but someone’s added some Fodlan translations but only to the instructions. So we know how to do the spell but not what it does.”

Lysithea peaks over her shoulder. “It doesn’t look overly complicated either. Seems you just need something from your victim that ties them to the spell… and then you just say the words.”

“Wow! These are even more complicated than the title! Do you think you can figure out how to pronounce it Lys?”

Lysithea scoffs, “Of course I can. The chant is ostendere bestia est homo in interiorem”

Felix isn't’ really sure what happens after Lysithea says the chant because all at once he is struck by a blinding pain in both his head and his lower back. He collapses to the ground with a scream of anguish. He Vaguely registers Lysithea and Annette rushing over to him and talking to him in panicked tones but before he can try and reach for the words to reassure them, his world is engulfed in white light before he blacks out completely.

___________

Dedue is, as per usual, sitting at one of the pews in the cathedral that is closest to his Highness in order to keep an eye on him as he… broods. It is where Dedue can most often be found these days seeing as Gilbert took up most of his other duties in his absence. He doesn’t mind though. Dedue’s place has always been at his Highness’s side, for better or for worse.

Since Dedue now has a lot more idle time than he is used to, and he cannot indulge in his usual hobbies of cooking and gardening from the cathedral, he has taken up some new hobbies that can be done at his post such as sewing and crafts. One lucky day he was even able to convince his Highness to allow him to stitch up some of the raggedness his cloak had received during his missing five years.

The cathedral is not as busy as it was back in his academy days so, for the most part, Dedue is left to spend his days in relative peace and quiet. Today, however, the sweet eerie silence of the holy structure is greatly disturbed when his fellow housemates Lysithea and Annette come running through the place like twin hurricanes, calling for Dedue.

“Dedue! Deeduuuueee!” He really does wish they’d be a bit quieter, this is a church after all and he doesn’t want them to aggravate his Highness.

“There is no need to shout. I can hear you,” he informs them politely as they reach him at the back of the church.

“We messed up big time Dedue.” Annette pants from running. “You need to come with us. You have to see it to believe it and we don’t know what to do.” Lysithea is nodding enthusiastically beside her...

Dedue frowns. He is not entirely sure what sort of situation would require this kind of response. However, were someone dying he would hope that Lysithea and Annette would simply tell him outright. He believes this is something different. He stands up and places his current sewing project gently back on the seat behind him. He doubts anyone here would take it. He nods once at the two women and gestures for them to lead the way.

As they move towards wherever it is that they’re headed, Dedue notes that Lysithea and Annette do not seem to be panicked, per se, just nervous. He also notes that they seem to be heading towards the Dormitories. Perhaps someone is ill and the girls want his advice in taking care of them? Although that doesn’t explain their statement of ‘he has to see it to believe it.”

He is led to the second floor of the dormitories and towards the end of the hall. Dedue panics for a second that perhaps they have done something dreadful to his Highness’s room. While he may not be using it at the moment, Dedue would prefer it to remain intact. Fortunately, the trio stops before his Highness’s room and instead enter Felix’s.

Dedue’s brain comes to a complete standstill. Lysithea and Annette stand at Felix’s bedside looking at him with expectation and fear but Dedue can not formulate any sort of emotional response to offer them. Felix lies on his bed, stripped of his weapons and curled in a fetal position on his side, with two catlike ears sprouting from his head and a rather elegant tail curling from his lower back.

Dedue is not sure of how many moments pass in silence but it is enough that Lysithea and Annette start to shuffle awkwardly where they are standing.

“What…-” Dedue starts- “exactly has happened here.”

Lysithea won’t meet his eye and Annette seems to be biting her lip to keep from crying. He hopes, absentmindedly, that he is not intimidating them too much.

It is Lysithea who speaks up first. “Felix was helping us look through the restricted section of the library for anything we could potentially use in battle when we found a very old book in a language we didn’t understand and accidentally cast a spell from it!” Lysithea rushes the story so fast that Dedue almost doesn’t catch it.

Dedue looks at Felix again. It is probably the most peaceful Dedue has ever seen Felix in all the years they’ve known each other, he can’t help but think Felix looks very nice like this. Other than the ears and tail he can’t see anything wrong or out of the ordinary. He understands that given the current state of things both Dedue and the Professor have become the primary givers of support among the monastery but for once he does not have even the slightest of clues as to what he should do about this.

“I do not mean to sound rude but I do not believe I am the right person to assist in this. I am very much lacking in skill when it comes to the magical arts and I have little knowledge of Fodlan history. If you want my advice, it would be to speak to either Manuela or Seteth about this. Perhaps both.”

Annette and Lysithea both look crestfallen at that and Dedue cannot suppress the twinge of guilt he feels at not being able to provide them with a solution.

“Well… can you at least stay with us until he wakes up? He’s gonna be really angry when he wakes up and I don’t know if Annette’s pouty face will be enough to calm him down this time…”

Dedue sighs. He understands their concern, even if Felix does not lash out at them physically he can be just as brutal with his words but Dedue is already starting to feel anxious at being away from his Highness for so long. However, this is a fairly serious situation and the goddess knows what kind of condition Felix will be in when he wakes up. If he can’t walk, it would not be fair to leave Annette and Lysithea to carry him to the infirmary.

“Alright,” he relents, “I will stay until he wakes and help escort him to the infirmary afterwards.”

Dedue stumbles as Annette leaps to hug him with a surprising amount of might for such a small lady. “Oh thank you Dedue! This means the world to me I promise we’ll make it up to you!”

“Annette, shhh!” Lysithea scolds, “Felix is still sleeping.”

“Oh yeah, sorry!”

Lysithea just rolls her eyes and pulls out Felix’s desk chair to sit in. Dedue situates himself by the door and Annette moves towards the bed to have a closer look at Felix.

“You have to admit though… he does look really cute.” As if without thinking, Annette’s hand slowly moves towards the spot on Felix’s head between his ears.

“Annette!” Lysithea jumps up. “You can’t do that! Felix will actually kill you!”

Annette looks back guiltily, “He doesn’t have to know! I have a better chance of being able to do it now than when he’s awake.”

Assured in her logic, Annette continues her actions. Dedue can’t help but agree with Lysithea in that watching Annette move to pat Felix on the head is sending off warning bells in his head. Fortunately, Felix does not immediately awaken in a ball of rage and swords as Annette’s hand makes contact. Instead, as Annette starts to scratch gently around where his ears are, a low rumbling sound comes from Felix instead.

“Oh my goddess, he’s purring,” Annette whispers in complete awe. Dedue swears he can see stars in her eyes.

Lysithea moves from her seat to peak over Annette’s shoulder, moving cautiously as if one wrong step will cause an explosion. “I wanna have a go as well” Annette backs away carefully allowing Lysithea to take her place.

“His ears are so soft…” Lysithea mutters almost to herself as it is hard to hear her over Felix’s purring.

Suddenly, the purring cuts off and Lysithea jerks her hand back as Felix gives a yawn with way more fangs than any human is meant to have. He starts to sit up and Annette and Lysithea scramble back to hide by Dedue.

Felix doesn’t seem to notice them in his grogginess, instead opting to lick his hand and use it to clean behind his ears. Dedue understands what he is doing. He has seen real cats do the same. However, if Dedue thought his brain had been frozen earlier what it is doing now can only be considered a total breakdown. The three stand at the door in the most oppressing silence Dedue has ever felt. Annette once again looks as though she is about to cry and Lysithea is poised and ready to run at a moment's notice.

Felix, however, is completely blind to their shocked states and merely continues to groom himself as if it is the most natural thing in the world.

Felix freezes mid lick and his eyes snap wide open.

Dedue has known Felix for a number of years now even if they’ve never exactly been close and during that time Dedue would never have described himself as feeling intimidated by Felix. However, the look on Felix’s face as he slowly turns to face the trio at the doorway still in the position to lick his hand, gives Dedue chills down his spine as nothing else has in a long time.

The others must feel the same because Dedue registers that Lysithea has his arm in a death grip and a sniffle from his side indicates that Annette’s tears have finally burst forth.

Felix lowers his hand but does not relax his glare even a little. “What… Exactly… Have you done to me?” his voice is low and dangerous and Dedue does not like it one bit.

“It was an accident…” Annette squeaks out.

“That spell from the old book we cast seems to have given you the features of a cat,” Lysithea tries to explain with confidence.

“If you are willing, we’d like to take you to the infirmary to be checked by Manuela. Just to be sure there are no ill side effects,” Dedue adds.

Felix takes several deep breaths and Dedue considers shifting into a more defensive position, he’s fairly certain he can take on an unarmed Felix and if not he can at least protect the girls. Fortunately, this isn’t necessary as the breathing seems to be enough to bring Felix down for the time being. “Fine. I’ll go with you.”

Both Lysithea and Annette seem to start breathing again and Dedue would be lying if he said he didn’t let out a sigh of relief as well. Felix gets up from his spot on the bed and stalks over to the mirror on the wall. His new ears twitch as he looks at them but other then shows no outward emotion towards his new appendages other than vague annoyance. Which is how Felix usually looks at things.

“Oh!” Annette jumps, “You should tuck your tail in and cover your ears with your hood! So you don’t alarm anyone.” Felix nods to her and moves to do so.

_____________

Felix’s stomach is churning as Dedue knocks on Manuela’s door. He wants nothing more than to go back to his dorm and take another nap but the fact that he wants that over going to the training grounds is enough to convince him that he needs this check-up. He doesn’t want to make a scene of being freaked out because he knows that will only make Lysithea and Annette feel worse. This really isn’t their fault, the spell probably wouldn’t have gone off if Felix hadn’t sneezed all over the book in the first place. He is pissed off, sure, but not at them.

Unfortunately for him, Manuela actually seems to be present and sober for once. Although her professional conduct seems to be just as lacking as ever. She gives them all a once over before stoping on Felix and his completely ridiculous hood.

“My, what an interesting group of people. What exactly brings you lot to my door?” Felix’s stomach does a particularly nauseating flip. He’s never liked the way she talks.

The other three all give Felix a look and he rolls his eyes before taking off his hood. Finally, his ears were getting really uncomfortable under there. Manuela’s eyes widen and he makes sure to scowl at her.

“Well, I suppose you better come in then. The rest of you wait outside or go back to whatever you were doing. This is probably going to take a while.”

Felix feels more like he’s walked into a prison sentence, as Manuela shuts the door behind him, then an infirmary and he almost wishes Dedue could be here with him since he’s pretty good rebuffing these sorts of thin-

“Alright hon, I’m gonna need you to strip.”

Huh? Felix’s brain stops and he looks at Manuela slack-jawed.

Manuela clicks her tongue at him. “Don’t give me that look, this isn’t a come on. This looks like some pretty serious transformation magic so I’m going to need to give you a full physical to try and make a record of everything that’s changed.”

“Is a full physical really necessary?” Felix cringes.

“Yes, Felix. In order to understand the extent of the changes it is very necessary.”

Felix groans but moves to start taking off his clothes none the less.

______________

After a gruelling two hours of tests that have left Felix in desperate need of a nap, he is finally released by Manuela with a file containing her initial results on Felix’s new physical nature and some suggestions he’s sure he’s going to ignore. To Felix’s surprise, Dedue is still waiting outside the infirmary although he has taken a seat on the ground and seems to have acquired some… sewing.

Dedue looks up from his project as the door opens. “Ah, you’re done. How did it go?” Dedue may be acting polite but Felix can tell it’s awkward for him. Probably because most of their previous conversations involved Felix yelling insults at him.

“That was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. However-” Felix gestures at the folder- “we now have a written record of all the know changes the spell made to me.” “That’s a great start,” Dedue nods. “The girls went to talk to Seteth to see if he knows anything useful.”

‘Why are you still here anyway? I thought you would’ve gone back to your master by now.” He would call Dedue a lap dog but he figures he has been helpful today so Felix might as well go easy on him.

Dedues face falls and Felix can’t help but feel little guilty, he hopes his ears don’t give it away. Sure it was unnecessary but he has a reputation to uphold. “I’m sure his Highness will manage to survive one day without me.” And there’s that calm dismissal that never fails to piss Felix off. His guilt quickly dissipates and he takes note of the way his tail seems to flick instinctually with his irritation.

Before the situation can devolve into a real argument, Lysithea and Annette come running up. It’s kinda mean but Felix thinks they look a bit like woodland creatures running around on their little legs.

“We spoke with Seteth!” Annette announces, out of breath.

“You do not need to run everywhere,” Dedue says with concern.

“We spoke to Seteth-” Lysithea continues- “And he said that book is actually a ‘Book of Mischief’ and that spell was to ‘reveal one’s inner creature’. So in other words, it’s a prank spell from a prank book.”

Felix sputters, “Wha- What do you mean ‘reveals one’s inner creature’?! Why the hell am I a cat!?” He should be something way cooler right? Like… like a wolf or something.

Dedue ignores Felix’s comment, “Did Seteth say anything about reversing this?”

“He said that he’d talk to Professor Hanneman and Linhardt about doing some research into reversing but for now all we can do is wait.”

So, in other words, Felix is going to be stuck like this for a while. He’s not really sure how to feel about that. There haven’t really been any negative side effects yet but it’s still freaking weird to be a person with various cat features. A voice in his head that sounds annoyingly like Ingrid and that he would rather ignore, says that this is karma for him always comparing other people to animals.

“Well…” Dedue looks down, “I suppose all that’s left to do now is to announce it to the rest of the house and the professor. It would hardly be practical for Felix to walk around all day wearing his hood.”

Dedue turns to Felix, “That reminds me, if you are willing to offer up your coat for a short time, I could sew some proper earholes into the hood so it’s not so uncomfortable.”

Felix takes a deep breath. These are the things he has to worry about now. Ear holes for his hoods, finger holes for his new claws, and probably holes in his pants for his tail. Being a cat/human hybrid seems to involve a lot of holes. It’s also going to involve a lot of explaining things, starting with the former Blue Lions