#but I’m trying to keep it from looking too messy composition wise

[retroautomaton]

🍒🛸🧨

[mid-weast]

Will you keep it down? | Jeon Jungkook

Summary: You and Jungkook attend the same university and have been neighbors for 3 months now. It drives you crazy that he plays loud music at 2AM, and it drives him crazy that you barely acknowledge his presence.

Pairing: Jungkook x Female!Reader; Black!Reader

Words: 2.6K

Genre: enemies to lovers, student!jungkook, student!reader, fluff, mention of smut, angst? (in the form of bickering back and forth).

Authors note: Hi hi! This is the first fic I’ve ever written so if it’s bad I’m sorry. Also it is unedited so if there's grammar / spelling mistakes I'm sorry again! Also this is catered toward the reader being Black but I hope it can be enjoyed by everyone. Thank you for reading! Feedback is appreciated ok love u bye!

“Y/N? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!? Open this door RIGHT NOW!”

Even though you were studying in your room, his knocks were so loud you nearly jumped out of your skin. You had expected a reaction, but not a full-on explosion.

You and Jungkook have been apartment neighbors for about three months now, and a constant problem is that he blares his music hella loud late at night. Of course he’s a music major so he listens to music a lot, but at this point you don’t care. It doesn’t even seem like he’s working on composition homework anyway, just being an asshole with no regard for his neighbors peace. Now don’t get yourself wrong, you're not just some uptight bitch who complains about everything. Well, you do have several pet peeves but over the years of going to school in Korea you’ve picked and chosen your battles very wisely. In most cases you let things slide. You wouldn’t care at all about someone playing the music loudly, but it is 2 AM, and while you’re up studying you know a lot of your other neighbors are trying to sleep.

You tiptoe toward your front door and twist the knob slowly. You only open the door wide enough to be able to see his face. It’s not that you’re scared that you’re in danger or anything, and you rarely back down from people giving you a hard time. But you were tired, wearing a big ass t- shirt and short shorts (your regular sleep attire), and it was late at night. So if anything was going to pop off you felt pretty vulnerable. Even though you’re the same age, he towers over you and you find his size kinda intimidating.

As usual, you have to crane your neck to see his face, and your view of him is limited by the narrowness in which

you opened the door.

“Can I help you, lil boy?”

From what you can see of him, right away you can tell that he is pissed. Dawning his usual attire of a black sweatshirt with the hood up, black sweats, and stomp a hoe boots, he stood extremely close to your apartment door with his arms crossed. His usually wide, puppy dog eyes are now pressed in narrow slits. His normally pouty lips are formed in a hard line, and his jaw is so clenched you could carve an ice sculpture with his jawline.

"Who the hell do you think you are? You called the cops on me? Are you INSANE???" Jungkook shouts.

Obviously he's mad, and despite the amount of times you've gone back and forth he's never raised your voice at you. The old you would have screamed back at him, but over time you've tried to respond to anger with calmness. Also, you were a little scared because this mf is kind of big.

"I already told you if you keep blaring your music at 2AM, I was going to do something about it!" You respond in a hushed whisper, slightly concerned that your elderly neighbors will be even more disturbed by the noise. "I've told you this a million times, and you barely do anything about it. If anything, it's gotten worse like you're doing it on purpose. People are trying to sleep and I'm trying to study, why is this so hard for you to understand?"

He sucks his teeth. "You're such a little snitch. And I've already told YOU that YOU can't tell me what to do."

"I know I can't...but they can," you nod toward the exit, referring to the police officers that most likely just left out that way with a tiny smirk growing on your face.

If it was possible, he clenched his jaw even harder and you think that he's going to pop a blood vessel. He pushes his way into your apartment, which sends you stumbling back and you grab the door handle to regain your balance. This causes you to close the door shut.

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're-"

He steps right up to you and leans down into your face.

"Who the fuck do you think you are, seriously??? Why are you such an annoying little brat? Just because you're a nerd with no friends who gets no play doesn't mean you can take your bitterness out on me.”

You have to laugh in his face at this point because hello??? First of all, who is he talking to? Second of all, you have told him a BUNCH of times to turn his music down late at night. You didn't think that was too much to ask. As far as you were concerned, being aware of your noise level when you live in an apartment is the universal bare minimum for being a human being.

"ME? Who do you think YOU are? Actually let me tell you. You're an entitled little rich boy who thinks he runs the world. I don't give a fuck about how popular you are on campus, how many people fall at your feet to be around you, and how many hoes you have, you cant talk to ME like that. And how are you going to try and tell me about myself when it's too much of a task for you to be a decent neighbor? I've never done anything to blatantly bother you, so why can you just.." You started to panic because usually when you raise your voice out of anger, your voice cracks and tears threaten to pool out of your eyes, but you tried to get a grip and not back down..."why can you just be nice to me so we can live in peace? Is that too hard for you???"

He looked kind of taken aback by your question. Being nice to you? It never crossed his mind. Also, you kind of had a point. When the semester started and you both moved in on the same day, you would shoot him a small, friendly smile in passing but you never seemed interested in getting to know him. He always wondered why that was. It's not that he had a problem talking with girls, since all he had to do was breathe and girls would come flocking around him, but you would flat out ignore him. Even at all the major parties at the beginning of the year and on Thursday nights when students take over the clubs in the city, you'd barely even acknowledge him. He KNEW that you had seen him too, since you would make eye contact, but you acted like he was just another guy at the club.

And he'd be lying if he said you weren't fine. You had thick thighs, a beautiful face, nice curves, and always wore outfits that hugged you in the right places. He always wondered what it would feel like to wrap his arms around your body and press it against his own. He would constantly sneak peaks of you throughout the night at the club, but something stirred in him when he saw that you were chatting up other guys. Was he...jealous? Jealous that you were so eager to pay attention to these dudes who, in his opinion, were decent looking but they were nowhere near his level, and you never even gave him a second thought? One night he even saw you leaving with a man he knew through mutual friends, and he had to physically stop himself from breaking the glass he was holding, because that guy, while objectively handsome, was nothing compared to him. Jungkook wasn't blatantly cocky, but he let his talent, charm, and looks speak for themselves. He was THEE Jeon Jungkook, and nothing ever really bothered him....except you.

Was he....interested in you? Nah, that can't be it. You were some random chick who happened to be his neighbor, who also is one of the only girls he's met that doesn't give two fucks about even having small talk with him, and that infuriated him for some reason. So the first time you came knocking on his door in an adorable pink satin pajama set with a matching bonnet complaining about his loud music, he knew the game he had to play.

He's still standing over you, centimeters away from you face, but you notice that his eyes soften a little and so does his jaw. He unclenches the fists he was holding crossed against his chest

You continue, “I don't care what you do, and I'm DEFINITELY trying to run your messy ass life. Believe me," you scoff, "you don't have enough money to pay me to do that. But when your dickhole behavior fucks with MY life is when it's a problem. And it's BEEN a problem."

He rolls his eyes. "Whatever, little girl, maybe I should call you little mouse now, since now I know that you'll go squeaking to the cops now, don't fuck with me or my music again.”

Without moving your head you look him up and down with a confused expression. "Am I supposed to be scared of you? No seriously, you look like you cry during Disney movies while wearing footie pajamas, and now here you are throwing a fit because I forced you to stop bothering the entire wing with your music?"

Girl...what are you saying??? This man just barged into YOUR place, is in your face, and is strong enough to pick you up and throw you, and you’re insulting him? But you figured if he's going to be rude, you'll throw it right back because you're tired of his bullshit.

Whatever softness he was feeling for a fleeting moment immediately left, and annoyance once again washed over. He straightens up a bit and puts on that annoying confident smirk he wears when he thinks he's won arguments between you two.

"You should be nicer to me, all it will take is for me to tweet one thing about you, and you'll be the most hated person on campus."

At this point, any suspicions that you had about him annoying you on purpose were confirmed. You've concluded that this mf is a bully and you, small and shy but not one to take mess, will put him in his place to-motherfucking-night.

You take a step toward him, now crossing your arms tightly against your chest, but he doesn't even move a hair backwards.

"Clearly you need a rude awakening so here it is. I don't know what type of people you've dealt with all your life, always saying yes to you, letting you boss them around and taking whatever bullshit you dish out, but let me tell you I am not the one. Never have been and never will be. Unlike the other fools around here who cream their pants at the mention of your name, I don't care about who you are. You'll respect ME and MY peace as long as we're neighbors, you get me?"

Now y/n, you have never so boldly stood up to someone, where did that come from, babes? You've tried to not let this entitled little boy get to you this whole time, but with him standing in front of you in the middle of your apartment with that extremely annoying, yet handsome, smirk on his face, and after all the crap he's said tonight, he had you all the way fucked up.

After you said that, he just laughed and looked away. Now you’re standing there fuming and confused...was there a joke you missed? You were being dead serious!

"Something funny?" you ask, narrowing your eyes.

"Nothing, just thinking about how I want to face fuck that annoying little mouth of yours so you finally shut up.”

Your jaw almost dropped to the floor. You've never had a guy say something so blatantly rude and vulgar literally inches away from your face. But again, you weren't going to back down.

"Oh really?" Scoffing and tilting your head to the side a bit while narrowing your eyes even more, "I'd very much like to do the same. Maybe then you'll learn your place."

"Oh please, princess, you probably blanch when someone around you even mentions the word sex." He chuckles and leans down close toward your face again and cocks his head to the side, scrunching his nose and in a pouty voice said, "you're fooling no one, but keep trying, maybe you'll get there.”

You're even more annoyed than you were before, if that was even possible. But if he wanted to play this game, you might as well go there with him. It's true, you were a bit more prudent than more, but it pissed you off that he could tell. Regardless, you do know some things to say that could have him leaving with his tail between his legs.

You pouted your lips and in a babying tone said, “Aww sweetheart you have no idea. You think you're big and bad but like I said, you probably cry watching Disney movies. The same way you'd be crying, begging me to let you cum down my throat as I mercilessly toy with your cock for hours.”

Now it's his turn to go pale. Y/n, his stuck up neighbor who has barely even spared him five seconds of her time just threatened to edge him into submission? He has to pinch himself because he must be dreaming....

“Well I-“

“But I don't even think we’d make it that far, hun” you continue, “because in order to humble your egotistical, disrespectful ass, I'm gonna have to ride your face until you suffocate. And when the paramedics come and I have to explain how you died, I won't even hesitate to tell them that you were a punk ass loser who LITERALLY drowned in my pussy!”

You don’t know who this person speaking is, but it is not you. All of the pent up hostility you’ve held towards him just flooded out of you and you couldn’t stop the words from coming out. To be honest you shocked yourself, but you still stood there with your arms crossed and your face unfaltering, just waiting for him to say something smart back.

He stared at you silently, eyes wider than you’ve seen before and his mouth hung slightly open. He wasn’t expecting you to respond with so much fire, but now he wouldn’t be able to sleep until the image you painted came true. His brain said fuck it, and his lips crashed down onto yours. The kiss is sloppy but passionate, and you swore you heard him quietly whimper.

When he feels you starting to kiss back, he smirks into the kiss. Your lips are moving against each other in tandem, and all thoughts about how much you despise the prick fades away. As you uncrossed your arms and placed them on his chest, you could feel his heart beating wildly. Was he as nervous as you were this whole time? You wonder. You knew he was a player, so he was experienced. But the thought that you made him nervous gave you a tiny confidence boost. His hands slowly slide up the sides of your body to sneak behind your back, to pull you further into his chest. As much as your brain was telling you to resist him and push him away, you couldn't help but fall victim to how soft his lips felt against yours. Suddenly you feel airborne as he swiftly reaches down behind your thighs and picks you up. You instinctively gasp but he doesn’t miss a beat, simply biting your lower lip and locking your lips together again.

“Maybe we should test that scenario of yours, and if it comes true, that wouldn’t be the worst way for me to go” he says, doing that annoying but soul-crushingly handsome smirk he likes to wear as he carries you off to your bedroom.

[link4eva]

Kiro’s Chanting Praise Date Translation [CN]

Hi, everyone! Just a couple of notes before you begin reading. I don’t actually know Chinese so this translation was done through the power of Google Translate and with help from @keliosyfan​. Thank you! 💛

The translation below contains spoilers for a date not yet released in the ENG server so please don’t look below the cut if you don’t want to be spoiled.

You can read the call that comes before the date here!~

Hope you enjoy!~

*Spoilers for future content below!*

In the depths of the Golden Palace, there is a silver-haired prince.

His palace gate is always shut and no one can enter

His figure is covered by shadows and he has never seen the sun.

His voice was cursed by a demon and could not be heard.

Guard: Find him!!

Guard: Where did he go?

Disharmonious sounds suddenly sounded in the lively market. The sound of footsteps hurriedly came from afar, arousing the curiosity of the vendors.

The guards were fierce-looking. They were wielding scimitars and looked as though they were searching for someone. One of the guards walked up to me and looked me up and down a few times.

Guard: Hey, woman. 

Guard: Did you see a kid in a cloak passing by?

MC: No. I’ve been here the whole time and haven’t seen any strange people.

MC: Has the kid in question committed anything?

Guard: Humph, just a little mouse that sneaked into our master’s house!

Guard: I’ll ask you again, are you sure you haven’t seen this person? If you dare to lie….

He raised the sharp scimitar as he spoke. I couldn’t help but shrink back as I tried to keep my voice calm.

MC: I would never dare to lie to the great Lord Jinsha. I really haven’t seen this person.

MC: You can prove it by asking the person next to you!

The guard looked around. As expected, the other vendors waved to him and said that they hadn’t seen him. He snorted angrily.

Guard: Since you haven’t seen him, don’t get in the way!

The guard pushed me against the wall and ran to the other end of the alley.

After watching the family members disappear, I quietly patted the big wooden basket behind me.

MC: Alright, it’s ok to come out.

??: ….! 

The wooden basket shook slightly and the straw on top was pushed aside by a slender hand, revealing messy blond hair under the cloak and a pair of bright blue eyes.

The blond kid poked out half of his head and looked side to side before smiling up at me.

MC: Don’t worry, no one ratted you out.

The vendors all around showed friendly smiles to the kid. He pulled off his mask in relief.

The kid jumped out of the wooden basket swiftly and gave me a brilliant smile.

??: But you are the one I should be most grateful for!

??: My name is Kiro. What about you?

MC: My name is MC.

Kiro: MC….

He said my name again and nodded.

Kiro: Well, I’ll remember your name and I will repay you in the future! 

He said this as he put on his cloak. As he was about to leave, I grabbed his wrist.

MC: I don’t want it in the future. Can you do me a favour now? I need it quickly!

I hurriedly spoke, not letting Kiro have the chance to refuse me.

MC: Didn’t you get chased by a guard because you snaked into the mansion of Lord Jinsha?

MC: Then you can probably tell me, did you see a travelling artist like me in it?

Kiro looked at me with a slightly surprised expression.

Kiro: Travelling artist? Is there something wrong with them?

MC: They….

MC: It’s too hard to talk here. Come with me.

I looked around vigilantly, put on my veil, and beckoned to Kiro.

Passing through the alleys, the hustle and bustle gradually grew farther and farther.

I led Kiro through the city and finally stopped in front of a travelling artist’s caravan.

MC: This is my home.

MC: I am a dancer in a travelling theatre troupe. Some time ago, I passed by here from Wangcheng to make a living in the market.

MC: Half a month ago, our theatre troupe was summoned by Lord Jinsha for a dinner performance.

MC: The people at the market all advised us not to go, saying that many others were recruited by him before. They never showed up again.

MC: But we didn’t dare defy him. I was the only one that didn’t attend as I suddenly fell ill that day but the others went.

MC: After that day…. my companions disappeared.

Kiro: They didn’t come back?

MC: Well, the caravan and luggage are still here so it would’ve been impossible for them to leave.

MC: Kiro, do you think they will be sold as slaves as the rumours say?....

Kiro: Don’t be too scared. Actually, time moved really quickly just now and I only searched part of the mansion when I snuck in. 

Kiro: Maybe your companions are staying in other rooms and I just didn’t get to see them?

MC: Even so….

Kiro’s comfort only slightly soothed my anxiety. However, an even greater worry was still surging in my heart. I sighed.

MC: Alas….if there is any way to save them, it would be great.

Kiro: I have a solution, wanna try? 

Kiro: Actually, I was um…. a spy and took a job. So, I had to sneak into the mansion of Lord Jinsha to investigate.

Kiro: I was discovered by a guard at that moment which caused me to fail my mission. I'm thinking of how to get in again. 

Kiro: At this time, let’s cooperate and pretend to be a pair of travelling artists.

Kiro: I will be the singer and you will be the dancer! To tell you the truth, I can sing very well! 

Kiro looked excited, but, how could a spy be a good singer? I shook my head.

MC: It’s not that easy. I heard that Lord Jinsha’s ears are very particular and that it’s hard for ordinary singers to be liked by him….

My hesitation was interrupted by Kiro’s singing.

The moment the first note was sung by him, my eyes widened.

Kiro sang the simplest but cheerful melody. His voice was very low, his words very casual.

But such easy-going singing has surpassed all the singers I have ever heard.

It seems that he isn’t standing in front of a messy caravan but rather a lively banquet. And in that banquet, he is the focus.

The last lyrics left his mouth and Kiro winked at me and my stunned face.

Kiro: Would you like to cooperate with me now, little dancer? 

[Second Part]

My cooperation with Kiro is going extremely smoothly.

In just ten days, our travelling act had gained fame in the city.

Most of this fame was because of Kiro.

For some reason, no matter how simple the ballads that are sung by him seem to have colours, pictures, and smells.

Whenever he plunged into the world of music, he would inexplicably reveal a lonely and noble breath.

People wanted to get close but they didn’t dare to do so.

MC: Sometimes I think you really don’t look like a spy….

Kiro: Wait, what are you talking about?

MC: Nothing! I mean you sing so nicely. I wouldn’t be tired of hearing it even if I listened for a hundred years! 

Kiro: A hundred years? I think you could listen to it for a lifetime. 

His carefree words made my heart beat faster and my ears became a little hot for some reason. I quickly changed the subject.

MC: We’ve been practicing for a while today. Would you like to take a break and go to the street?

Kiro: Okay. Now that you mention it, I feel a little hungry.

We were going to the market to search for food. When we were passing by the long rows of houses, I suddenly heard sorrowful weeping from one of the houses.

Kiro: ….

Kiro stopped. Looking through the cracks in the dilapidated door curtain, there’s an old woman crying and holding her son.

But her son was unaware of his mother’s grief and his eyes stared up at the ceiling, saliva spilling from the corner of his mouth.

Seeing this scene, I shook my head unbearably.

MC: Another person infected by a strange disease….

MC: Last time we passed by the Royal City, we heard that there were lost souls there.

MC: Who knows when the cure will be found….

Kiro: This is not a natural disease. It’s man-made.

MC: Man-made? How do you know?

Kiro: Uh….

His eyes wandered for a while before he decided to finally answer me.

Kiro: Because….I am a subordinate of the “Silver Prince”. I am investigating this matter under his order.

MC: The silver-haired prince?!

MC: It’s the “spokesperson of the demon” whose voice is cursed in the legend and likes to manipulate others…. *Changed some wording here*

I trailed off the rest of the sentence because I saw Kiro’s face becoming a little pale.

MC: I’m sorry! I forgot that you are his subordinate and shouldn’t say that to him.

Kiro: It’s okay. Do people talk about him like this?

MC: Not really….

MC: Most of the people who say that are big landlords and wealthy merchants like Lord Jinsha and people who followed suit.

Kiro: What about you? What do you think of the silver-haired prince? 

MC: Me? I have no idea.

MC: After all, the noble existence of the prince is beyond my knowledge. Why do you ask?

Kiro: Oh….

MC: ….

Did I say something wrong again? Why do I feel that Kiro’s expression seems to be even more disappointed?

Should I just flatter his master?

Thinking of this, I quickly coughed and changed my tune.

MC: But, ah, I think the prince must not be as scary as the legend makes him out to be….

MC: He did send you to investigate the bad guys after all. He must be a very wise prince!

MC: As for the curse, the “spokesperson of the demon”, that must’ve been a rumour spread by others!

MC: I respect him with my heart!

Kiro looked at me and blinked, the corners of his mouth bent upwards uncontrollably.

Kiro: Pff….Hahahaha!

MC: Why are you laughing?

Kiro: Nothing, nothing. When I go back, I will convey your compliments to the prince! 

Kiro: When this matter is over, he will definitely reward you greatly. You can make any request.

MC: Really? Then I’ll have to think hard about what reward I want from the prince.

Seeing him happy made me happy. I turned the conversation back to the topic at hand. *Changed some wording*

MC: So, the last time you snuck into Lord Jinsha’s mansion, was it also to investigate this matter?

Kiro nodded.

Kiro: I found an incense with a strange composition in Wangcheng. This incense has a strong aroma and is highly addictive.

Kiro: Long-term exposure will cause people to lose their souls.

Kiro: I tracked it down all the way here and finally found the main supplier of the spice; the so-called “Master of Golden Sand”. 

Kiro: But he’s good at covering his tracks. If there is no concrete evidence that he sold it, then it’s difficult to convict him.

Kiro looked back at the small house as he said this, his face contemplative.

MC: Kiro, did you think of something?

Kiro: It’s just a theory that I have that has a few loose ends. It can only be verified after successfully sneaking in.

Kiro and I had a simple meal at the market. On the way back, we suddenly found a circle of people in front of the caravan.

It was Lord Jinsha’s guards.

Kiro and I quickly glanced at each other and then walked towards the caravan together.

Kiro: Is there anything wrong, sir?

Guard: You are the famous artist couple travelling the city recently?

The guard raised his jaw arrogantly.

Guard: Follow us.

(Cut to the mansion)

Dancer: MC, your solo dance is really good! Your footwork is especially light, just like stepping on a cloud!

MC: Haha, thanks for your compliment.

I absent-mindedly exchanged greetings with other travelling artists. However, the big rock in my heart never lightened up.

The evening before yesterday, the guards took us to the mansion of Lord Jinsha. They told us that he would be holding a banquet in two days and we would be the entertainers who will perform for the banquet.

Everything is going according to plan but Kiro and I both felt a little uneasy.

It felt as if we were prey on a cobweb and some kind of behemoth spider was hanging above us, its saliva dripping greedily.

And just two hours ago, Kiro was called away by Lord Jinsha’s guests, saying that he would be performing for their private banquet.

MC: It’s already afternoon, why hasn’t he come back?

Lord Jinsha’s guests must be some domineering bastards. What if they embarrass Kiro?

I was really uneasy. I finally gritted my teeth and slid out while the people by the entrance weren’t paying attention.

The Jinsha mansion is amazingly large with its luxurious gold ornaments and white jade luxuriant flowers. I hid under the shadow of the flowers, looking for the way to the guest house.

Fweet!

There was a sharp whistle from above which made me look upward.

I saw a hawk passing by a low altitude, drawing a sharp arc, and finally flying towards one of the small courtyards.

Is there anyone there?

I silently made my way to where the hawk landed.

As soon as I approached the courtyard, I heard two male voices talking in the pavilion.

??: Jinsha, the old fox, doesn’t answer our calls at all. He just pretends to be stupid whenever he mentions incense.

??: I guess that’s it.

One of the voices is low and strange. And the other….

It’s Kiro.

I carefully plucked the flowering branches and saw the familiar figure not far away. 

Kiro had his back to me while leaning leisurely on the soft pillow, playing with a string of jewels in his hands.

On the other side of the pavilion stood a wealthy, middle-aged man who looked at him respectfully.

The hawk was perched on his shoulder, making a gentle cooing sound in his throat.

In the afternoon, the bright light of the scorching sun made his hair gleam and outlined the muscles on his thin waist.

The kid’s expression is arrogant and cold, like a little singer “coerced” over to perform.

If it weren’t for him still wearing that coarse cloth, I would almost think he was the deity who mastered the sun.

The light is dazzling; it’s too bright to look at.

Kiro: He has already discovered that he’s been exposed in Wangcheng’s business network and certainly won’t dare to make a public appearance. 

Kiro: Tonight’s banquet, no matter what method you use, you must hold him back. If necessary, you’re allowed to make a little mess.  

Wealthy Man: Yes.

Listening to the conversation between the two, there was a buzzing in my head.

Kiro actually planned this banquet? Lord Jinsha’s guests are Kiro’s people?

Isn’t he just a spy? How could he make that wealthy middle-aged man act so respectfully to him?

Before I had time to think more, Kiro seemed to have noticed something and quickly turned his head!

Kiro: Who’s there?! 

[Third Part]

Those blue eyes sharply locked onto the flower bush where I was hiding. Knowing that I could no longer hide, I had to laugh out loud.

MC: It’s me.

Kiro: MC? Why are you here?

MC: I….You hadn’t come back after a while….I was worried….

Kiro was startled but the expression of the wealthy man beside him changed.

Wealthy Man: How dare you eavesdrop!-

Kiro: It’s okay, she’s with me.

Kiro interrupted him.

He shook his arm and the hawk flew away from his elbow.

Kiro stood up from the cushion. When he was about to say something, his eyes passed behind me and his pupils shrank.

I didn’t know why he looked like this. When I looked back, I was shocked.

A large number of guards were coming toward us aggressively!

Wouldn’t we be exposed?! 

Kiro: Follow me! 

Kiro made a decision and stretched out his hand towards me.

I didn’t dare to hesitate. I quickly ran to the other side of the pavilion with him.

Even though Kiro had figured out the layout of the mansion, the sounds of footsteps blocked our escape routes.

Seeing that there was a guard who could find us at just another turn, we couldn’t hide and had to rush into a room next to us.

Unexpectedly, the room was actually a small vault belonging to Lord Jinsha. There was a lot of gold and silver piled up but almost no place to hide.

If you were to take a torch inside, you would easily be able to see our shadows inside!

Kiro: Here, there’s a treasure chest!

Without hesitation, he pushed me into the treasure chest and jumped in after me. 

The small treasure chest held the two of us in such a confined space that we had no other choice but to stay close together.

Kiro held the heavy top of the treasure chest with one hand, the slightly rapid breath escaping from his lips fanned onto the tip of my nose. It felt as though it was burning.

The swaying firelight gradually approached and stopped outside the room.

Guard: Where did they go?

Guard: You must kill him immediately after finding him!

The word “kill” made me tremble. Kiro sensed my fear and lightly pressed his large hand on my shoulder.

Kiro: It’s okay. 

Just outside the door were the guards walking with the jewels under him. This was a life-or-death situation.

His embrace is so warm; it makes it feel easy to rely on him.

Guard: Over there!-

The yell outside of the door distracted the guard.

The chaotic footsteps gradually disappeared and the two of us let out a sigh of relief. We couldn’t help but look at each other.

With just a glance, my heart skipped a beat and my face flushed uncontrollably. 

So close…. 

It was close enough that I could see the thin layer of sweat on Kiro’s forehead, the worry in his blue eyes, and the suspicious blush creeping up onto the tips of his ears.

MC: I….

Kiro: I….

Kiro and I spoke in unison and closed our mouths unanimously.

Kiro turned his gaze to the side and whispered.

Kiro: They’re gone. Let’s get out of here first.

MC: Ah, okay.

We gently pull ourselves out of the treasure chest and tidy up each other’s messy clothes.

After the crisis, what came to my mind again was self-blame.

On the eve of the banquet, the mansion was in absolute mayhem. Kiro’s plan for next week would definitely be greatly affected.

MC: Sorry, it’s all my fault….

Kiro: You don’t have to blame yourself. They aren’t looking for you.

MC: Huh?

Kiro: I just listened to what that yell was about. “Incense Person”.

MC: Incense person? You mean….

The lost soul incense secretly sold by Lord Jinsha and the travelling artists who were missing….

All sorts of clues flashed through my mind. I blurted out amidst my thoughts.

MC: That’s why he has to recruit so many travelling artists!

MC: Because travelling artists have no designated homes, no one cares if they disappear as they think they just moved on to the next city.

MC: Have my companions also….

Ominous sensations rose from my heart, my hands and feet turned cold.

At this moment, my fingers suddenly stiffened. Kiro shook my hand firmly.

Kiro: Don’t think too much about it. 

Kiro: Let’s change our thinking. Since some people who tried the spice were able to escape its effects, it means that they must have been hiding somewhere from Lord Jinsha.

Kiro: We just need to find them and rescue them.

The warmth from his palm calmed my anxiety.

I grinned reluctantly at him and nodded.

Kiro: The banquet is going to start in a bit and the guards should be going to the front area. Let’s take the opportunity to go back.

MC: Okay.

I followed him for two steps out the door before I suddenly felt that something was wrong.

I lowered my head and looked at the floor tiles under my bare feet.

Although these tiles are exactly the same, the sensitivity of my dancer’s feet made me discover an anomaly.

MC: Kiro, the feel of this tile seems to be different from the others.

Kiro: How is it different?

MC: It’s almost like I’m stepping on a cloud….

Kiro’s eyebrows adjusted slightly. He walked to the floor tiles, knelt down, and fumbled with it for a while. He then knocked on the tile. 

Kiro: There’s nothing under this tile.

MC: It’s empty?

MC: Could it be that he hid the “Incense Person” underground?

Kiro: It’s very possible. Let’s go down and take a look. 

MC: But the banquet is about to begin. What if the guards find out that we are here investigating?

Kiro: But if we find evidence of Lord Jinsha doing terrible things on the down-low, then we won’t have to attend the party.

MC: What you said makes sense!

MC: And he doesn’t deserve to hear your beautiful singing!

Kiro raised his eyebrows when he heard what I said, his eyes bright.

Kiro: Yes. This time, his crime must be completely exposed! 

[Fourth Part]

The tile opened downwards, revealing a ruined black passage; it stared at us like an abyss.

Kiro walked in front, holding on to me with one hand and the wall with the other, carefully exploring onward.

After stepping onto the last step around the corner, a light suddenly appeared in front of him.

Kiro: Follow me.

Walking out of the passage, what is presented before us is the underground treasure room of Lord Jinsha!

Boxes of gold and silver, gorgeous jewelry, expensive cloth….

Treasures even rarer than the ones above us are collected in this dark secret room.

It exuded a sparkling light under the flaming glow of the torches.

Kiro probed around and followed the flames. Suddenly, his eyes lit up.

Kiro: There is a secret door here! 

We rushed to the secret stone door. Upon pushing the door open a crack, a scent of moly and a weird spice came flooding out from it. 

Everyone was wearing the costumes they used for their performance but their eyes were glazed over; like a group of dolls at the mercy of others.

Like the lost souls I saw in the slums.

MC: You were right! Everyone is here!

In the depths of the crowds, I suddenly saw my companion!

She seemed to still have some form of consciousness. After hearing what I said, she turned slightly in my direction, showing me a desperate smile.

MC: Ah, come on, Kiro! We have to rescue them!

Kiro: I know. Go and call out for help-

Lord Jinsha: Who do you want to call out for, little mouse?

A voice rang out from behind us; with black malice like a serpent’s message.

Kiro and I turned around suddenly. Lord Jinsha led a large number of guards into the secret room.

He sneered and looked at us; as if he were looking at two dying bugs.

I saw his fat and ugly face. I felt my anger instantly rush to the top of my head.

MC: Why are you doing this to them?!

Lord Jinsha: Why?

Lord Jinsha: As I see it, these travelling artists are the dregs of society and have no value at all.

Lord Jinsha: They should be honoured to try the incense for me.

MC: You-!

Kiro: How could these travelling artists be worthless? 

Kiro: They have travelled to many different places, danced and sang, and spread the joy of life to many others.

Kiro: They are truly priceless “golden sands” and treasures in this country.

Kiro: The only one with no value here is you.

Kiro held back some anger in that retort.

Lord Jinsha’s squinted eyes immediately turned to Kiro.

Lord Jinsha: Eh, are you the little mouse that sneaked in some time ago?

Kiro: ….

Lord Jinsha: Mouse, do you think that I don’t know who you are? You are as crazy and ridiculous as your master.

Lord Jinsha: A prince, who’s been locked in a palace all his life, wants to bring me down? You wish!

He waved his hand and the guards behind him lunged at us!

A cold light flashed in an instant, Kiro’s eyes were dazzling. He took me in his arms and spit out two words.

Kiro: Weapons down! *Changed some wording here*

When he finished speaking, the guards in front of him suddenly trembled as if someone had pitched their wrists. Their fingers released the hilts of the scimitars they were holding.

When the scimitars fell to the ground, Kiro kicked a few people out of the way and led me to the door.

Lord Jinsha opened his mouth in disbelief.

Lord Jinsha: Who are you?! Impossible! Don’t you dare try to escape!

The man stepped back suddenly and pulled down a mechanism on the wall!

In an instant, a hole in the wall appeared, and a row of arrows shot straight at us!

MC: Watch out!

My instinct was to push Kiro out of the way. In the next instant, the sharp pain of an arrow in my back hit me.

I gritted my teeth and called to Kiro with the last bit of breath in me.

MC: Kiro, get out quickly! Tell everyone this! Tell the silver-haired prince!

Kiro: The prince already knew. 

My eyes widened. Before I realized what he meant, I fell to the ground.

Darkness and warmth surrounded me together.

??: Wake up, MC….Wake up….

A faint voice rang in my ear, urging me to open my eyes.

MC: Huh?....

I slowly opened up my eyes. There was a bright moon above my head.

MC: I’m here….

I looked around and found that I was still in the courtyard of Lord Jinsha, surrounded by countless royal guards escorting the other guards in an orderly manner.

The wound on my back seemed to have been cleaned and bandaged. It didn’t hurt so much now.

MC:  What’s going on here?

Companion: Don’t you know?! The silver-haired prince is here!

Companion: He wiped out all the bad guys and rescued us all!

MC: What about Kiro?

Companion: Who is Kiro?

There was no need for her to answer; I have already seen him.

The golden-haired Kiro stood in the crowd surrounded by guards and attendants, and those who called him a prince.

Kiro seemed to sense my gaze. He turned his head and looked at me. He subconsciously took a couple of steps towards me before suddenly stopping again.

Kiro: I…. 

MC: You lied to me.

MC: Did you not trust me? We are partners yet you actually want to keep your true identity hidden….

Kiro: I don’t distrust you.

MC: What’s that?

Kiro: Ever since I was born, people have said that my voice is cursed by the demon and cannot be listened to.

Kiro: Although the royal family explained that it wasn’t a curse, everyone was still afraid of me.

Kiro: So, I can only pretend to be a shameless “silver-haired prince”. 

He stared at me quietly, his every word sincere.

Kiro: You’re the only one who likes to talk to me and hear me sing.

Kiro: So I want to talk to you all the time and sing to you as Kiro.

He paused and said it again.

Kiro: Sorry, MC.

Maybe there was some kind of magic in his voice but, just listening like this, my heart swelled and thumped wildly because of his words.

But how can I forgive this “liar” so easily?!

MC: I remember that you promised me that the prince will reward me greatly after the matter is over, right?

Kiro: I remember. 

MC: I’ll think of a reward now and the punishment for you lying to me, which I’ll only tell you, also.

I stretched my hand out in front of him.

MC: Your Royal Highness, please come and honour it!

Kiro’s expression stiffened as if waiting for some kind of cruel prank, and walked towards me with a guilty conscience.

The moment he leaned over, I hooked my arms around his neck.

MC: The punishment is that His Royal Highness must do whatever I say. 

MC: Just say….

My lips pressed against his cheek.

MC: “I want to talk to MC for a hundred years and sing songs for her for a hundred years.” 

Wind and sand rolled over the hills and the travelling artist’s caravan set off again.

They sang travelling ballads, letting the story of the silver-haired prince spread across the mainland.

Legend has it that on a bright and sunny day, the prince’s always-closed palace doors suddenly opened up and welcomed everyone. 

There is no demon nor a curse; only laughter and good wine.

The beautiful and timeless singing of the prince will always be heard in the palace, making the people happy.

And wherever the singing sounds, there will be a girl to accompany him.

[End]

You can read the call that comes after this date here!~

[ryuichirou]

I really love the way you draw anatomy - you are literally perfect. Would you mind one day if you make a simple tutorial on how to draw anatomy, particularly hands and just keeping things in proportion. Sorry if this sounds like a demanding ask - u can definitely decline or not answer no offence taken x

First of all, thank you so much! <3 I’m so happy to hear that you think my anatomy looks good. I’m not sure if I can teach you anything, but I’ll try! And sorry it took me so long to reply.

I wouldn’t call this a tutorial, more like an outline of what I usually do (maybe with some tips here and there). Hope it’s at least a little bit helpful 🙏

I’ll start with how I draw the hands. Well, as you’ve probably seen on my previous post about this topic, I used to have a hard time with hands because I didn’t understand the logic behind them + my only reference was my own small and blobby hands. Practice helps a lot, but imo mostly because as you draw more hands, it becomes easier for you to break them into simpler shapes (this is important!) and imagine them in 3d in your head or as you draw.

When I draw hands, I start with a rough sketch. Basically I just draw a fingerless block first. It’s a bit illegible right now, but bear with me.

After this I add fingers. Once again, they’re all broken into shapes: a finger is just 3 short tubes connected to the block we just drew. Sometimes some parts of the “tubes” aren’t visible because of the perspective of the hand, sometimes you can clearly see all of them. As I already said, it’s all about learning how to imagine these things in 3d.

Since my sketch is so rough, I tried to make the shapes more clear here. I hope it makes sense.

After the sketch is done, I basically just… draw hands. Remember that this is skin and meat, there are going to be folds (??? Idk if this is the correct word) and stuff. And nails, oh nails… I scream when I remember the times when I used not to draw them lol They help to convey the perspective and the angle of the fingers, so for me it’s better to have them than not. I’m not drawing them the exact correct way, though, but still.

And once again, it took me a long time to start drawing hands more or less properly, and I still fix them all the time. For example, a thumb of the first one on the left is too short. In fact, I’d make all the thumbs bigger…  

So yeah, something among the lines. It’s not perfect, but this is the basic idea of how it works, at least for me.

About proportions… Well, I’m one of those artists who like to make 1000000 sketches before I move on to the inking phase, it’s just more comfortable to me. This way, I give myself more control of the pose and proportions and have a lot of time to adjust and fix whatever feels off to me. Many good artists don’t do that because they don’t really need it.

First, I make a very quick sketch just to grab the “feel” of the pose I’m going for, plus it helps with the overall composition of the drawing. It isn’t detailed at all, so it takes about 5-10 minutes to draw, even less if I’m confident about what I want and don’t try to find the pose that would work the best. At this stage I try to keep the proportions in mind, but I don’t think about them too much.

When I’m more or less satisfied with the basic idea, I draw my first sketch. At this stage I’m err building the body. There are a lot of ways to do that, I’m drawing something similar to a mannequin that is made out of meat. Oh no, that sounded horrible…

As you can see, this time I pay more attention to proportions and sketch all parts of the body properly. I make sure that both arms are the same length, both legs are the same length, that the shoulders are on the same level, stuff like that. At this stage I don’t think about the character, just about the body: I’m trying to make it make sense lol

Also you might’ve noticed, but I changed the position of the arms on this sketch because my initial idea didn’t really work (I tried to sit in the same pose and it was uncomfortable lol)

And then I draw yet another sketch. Sometimes this can be the last stage and I ditch the inking altogether and just colour this sketch instead, but more often than not it looks too messy and I have to make another sketch… (This is also where Katsu usually tells me to chill because we were planning to draw something simple and quick and I’m already making it complicated lol)

Here I’m adding more details, like face, hair, clothing, anything else that I need to sketch before inking/colouring. After this sketch is done, I look at it again and see if anything looks off. If it does, I try to fix it, adjust it, sketch it again, whatever works and whatever makes my sketch less stiff and more proportional.  It doesn’t have to be super realistic proportions-wise though.

Things that I pay attention to when I check the proportions on my drawings:

Shoulders: they should be the same size (although the perspective can create a distortion, but this is a whole other can of worms) + ideally they should be able to fit two heads in them length-wise.

Arms: I check if they’re the correct length (the hand part should start ~at the crotch level). If the arm on the drawing is bent, I try to visualize how it’d look like if they were straightened up. If it’s difficult to imagine, I just sketch it.

Oh, and the size of hands. I always check if they’re the correct size by comparing them to a face of the character: they should be about the same size (of course some people have larger hands and some of them have smaller hands).

Legs: same with arms, I try to make sure they are not too long and not too short. Also, when drawing arms or legs, you can draw this thing. The shoulder/hip and the hand/foot have the same distance from the elbow/knee. This… sounds confusing, I hope it at least looks understandable lol

There are a lot of ways to check if everything is correct: sometimes I just put my fingers on the screen to check if all of the lengths make sense lol and sometimes I draw these lil lines to check if the lengths of the parts that are supposed to be the same match.

If your drawing looks off, just create another layer and sketch the body (the meaty mannequin thingie) over it again. It might help you see some obvious mistakes if there are any. Some people might say it’s too much work, I call this practice lol

There are instances when I redraw some parts of the body completely. There are situations when it’s easier to do it all over again than to fix the existing sketch.

Another thing that I do is flip the image as I draw. Not very often though, you need not to get used to the flipped version of your drawing, it should be somewhat new to your eyes, this way your mistakes will be more visible to you. At least I think so…

It also helps to pay attention to details as much as you can, they make a huge difference. I still have a lot to learn about how the abs work, but like a year ago I knew nothing about them aside from “err I think there are 6 or 8 of them?? And they start below the boobs” (my boobs were also more square). After I started drawing them more often and learning how they actually work, my drawings changed accordingly. I think the right one is at least slightly better haha

So yeah, this is more or less my process. It isn’t necessary to draw 10203100 sketches and to go through all these stages, but I personally feel much more comfortable doing that because this way I can be sure that I would’ve noticed if there was a major fuckup somewhere.

To be honest, if we’re talking proportions, this image is literally the only thing you need to know.

Just keep in mind how many heads are in the human body length, how many heads can fit inside one’s torso, etc. Compare body parts to each other accordingly. Just make a habit out of checking if the proportions on your drawings are correct: make a shoulder bigger, make sure that the legs are the same size. It might be too much at first, but it’ll literally become a subconscious thing very soon, and you won’t have to actively think about all of this every time you draw. I google this image from time to time just to make sure that I’m fixing everything correctly lol

You don’t have to be exact with these proportions, but they still need to have some logic behind them. Like here, if we look at Osomatsu, who is clearly very stylized, we can still see that his body is proportionate. His shoulders are too small for his head, and his body surely doesn’t have 8 heads in its length, but he still doesn’t fall apart because there is logic behind his stylization: his arms are still long enough for him to put his hands in his pockets; they aren’t too long or too short. Hope that makes sense…

Sorry for the long read. Once again, I hope it was somewhat helpful or at least interesting. If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask!

Although I’m still learning myself of course, so there are things that I probably don’t know or forgot to mention…

[lgcyunhyeong]

hey there!! this is my first time in lgc and i’m super excited to be here! i’ve been eyeing this place for a while and i’m glad i finally mustered up the nerve to join. this is cho yunhyeong, 21, works part time at his local gs25. he’s been a trainee for little over a year and is hoping to eventually debut in a band! he plays the bass and sings a little bit, and he also wants to get into songwriting and composition eventually. he’s generally kind of a weird kid--super spacey, often distracted, your local space nerd--but he’s a good egg in spite of that. compared to some of the other trainees, he’s pretty aimless and chill, but he does genuinely love music and performing, so...!

you can find some more info about him on his about and background pages but they’re kind of messy so i’ll drop some quick facts about yunhyeong under the cut, along with some connection/plot ideas to hopefully kickstart things! if you’d like to plot, please hit like on this post and i’ll hop into your ims! i also have a discord if you prefer to plot there - just ask me for my username ♡

quick facts:

born and brought up in seoul - very local, most comfortable in his neighbourhood, the most exciting vacation he ever took was to busan (and it was #lit). his parents own the best hot pot restaurant in seoul, and yeah he’s biased but that doesn’t mean it’s not true! 

has an older brother currently in law school and their relationship is best described as ‘i tolerate you’. they’re complete opposites - his brother is super driven and loud and outgoing while yunhyeong is not so they’ve never really clicked beyond the fact that they are siblings and therefore are obligated to love each other

was the quiet kid growing up, had a very chill and subdued personality. didn’t really speak unless spoken too, didn’t play much with others. most of the time he kept to himself and focused on his hyperfixations - first, it was dinosaurs, and then space! and he’s been stuck with space ever since

his mom put him in music lessons when he was younger in hopes that a relatable hobby might help him make friends?? also that it’d work as a conversation starter but it didn’t because yunhyeong remained as weird and solitary as ever! he did fall in love with music as a result though

in high school he decided to branch out and make friends by starting a band - new age sexy aliens or NASA for short. his recruitment process was like: whoever shows up to join is part of the band! it worked out for the best since he and the band members got really close

they started off playing covers but then branched out into their own original music (yunhyeong helped write some of their lyrics). most of their songs used heavy space imagery and they were really pretty but also low key about aliens

yunhyeong loves aliens

nasa had a pretty dedicated fanbase both online and in their school! did well, were thriving, living their best lives and playing hella gigs, and then their lead singer got scouted by an entertainment company. it was the beginning of the end for them; the rest of the members went their own ways as well and the band officially disbanded in 2018 rip

yunhyeong started to busk on/off since he wasn’t attending university and didn’t really know what the heck else he wanted to do with his life outside of the band, and that’s where he got scouted by legacy! joined the company because like... well... why would he not...

wants to debut in a band if he can... and focus on songwriting and music composition as a secondary career path. he isn’t like... super motivated though? has always had issues with setting goals and being ambitious... he’s more like, eh, i’m just gonna go where life takes me! 

personality wise, he’s still a pretty quiet kid unless you get him talking about one of his interests, in which case he will never shut up EVER. he gets distracted easily and will sometimes zone out when you’re talking to him but has a good memory of like, the most random shit you wouldn’t expect him to recall

easygoing as hell, rarely gets riled up over anything. on the flip side, he doesn’t really come across as sincere (even though he almost always is!) in his emotions because people are like... hm... just feels fake. tries to stay as positive as he can and doesn’t dwell on stuff that might upset him. sometimes people think he’s shallow! but he has #deepthoughts. he just doesn’t share them

unmotivated when it comes to most things! has no goals, no ambition, doesn’t care much for academia or being forced to like, conform to things. his mom calls him a free spirit but she’s probably just making excuses for him. it’s more like he’s stuck in some sort of limbo?? scared of growing up but scared of being left behind. it’s complicated

he’s really a sweet guy though. a little odd - he’s not the best at showing affection and sometimes he can be really... strange? offbeat? you never know what the fuck is going on in his head. but he’s a Human Being Just Like You (sadly) and simply trying his best to live every day

connection/plot ideas:

he didn’t really have many friends growing up, but still - childhood friends! maybe you were the exception. maybe you didn’t mind that he was awkward and quiet and a little weird! maybe you tripped and fell on the playground and he gave you a star-patterned purple band aid and you decided you would die for him. who knows! 

friends in general who understand him and look @ him with fond exasperation... must be able to tolerate his antics. liking aliens is a bonus. jk, but he’s a sweet guy who loves his friends! please be kind to him

fans of his former band, nasa (or antis?). he was the bassist and a sub vocal and didn’t stand out too much compared to some of the other guys, but he always did the intros and he’ll happily talk about nasa all day! discuss the symbolism of their songs with him

exes? i genuinely cannot think of a single reason why anyone would want to date him but i feel like he’s had at least (1) relationship before... maybe you took a chance and after you started dating you were like, god, i’m running away

crushes, whether one-sided on his part or your part or reciprocated but you don’t know it yet?? he’s holding out for his alien bae but maybe you don’t know that and just think he’s like, this quiet mysterious pretty boy. maybe he thinks you’re cool for a human! 

fellow trainees who can play instruments... yunhyeong needs someone to #jam with because playing the bass alone is kind of lonely (and since he’d like to eventually get on the band track, making some connections would be cool) 

fellow trainees in general, especially ones in his training group!! he’s not as hungry for debut or as ambitious as some which means he’s a) non-threatening and b) chill to hang with. you could be into that or it could absolutely infuriate you since he doesn’t seem to be taking things seriously! maybe you think he doesn’t deserve to be here

met online on an alien enthusiast forum and you talk almost every single day about various theories and moves and all that kind of stuff but you’ve never met irl! and yunhyeong really wants to meet you in person! 

idk bully him 

you’re buying a bunch of weird shit from the convenience store where yunhyeong works at like 2 am and he has so many questions and won’t let you pay and leave until you answer them

alternatively, you find him sleeping on the job and you want to wake him up but the moment you touch his arm, he makes this high pitched screeching noise and you fall over and take an entire shelf of candy down with you

you invite yunhyeong out for drinks but he took one sip of soju and he’s a mess... you didn’t sign up to take care of a giant drunken baby but guess what! you will be! if he tries to kiss you, dodge him

you always bum free meals from yunhyeong’s parents’ restaurant because his parents think you’re his best friend. tbh you actually don’t really like him but he doesn’t realize it so he never bothers correcting his parents either!

you didn’t realize yunhyeong was allergic to cats and dogs and you brought your cat/dog near him and oh my god he is having the UGLIEST allergic reaction

yunhyeong can’t swim. you push him into a pool as a joke. chaos ensues

you play various video games together and yunhyeong is really good but he’s more interested in stardew valley than in league of legends and you keep pestering him to play with you dammit i need you on my team

you slipped a love letter under his door for one of his roommates but yunhyeong thought it was for him and now he keeps (kindly) rejecting you whenever you see him and you don’t even know how to react

Oh No We Are Trapped In This Room And The Power Went Out And I Am Scared Of The Dark Please Hold My Hand For Science

yunhyeong loves smoothies and one day you catch him trying to blend a slice of pepperoni pizza into a smoothie because he is, and i quote, “tired of chewing”

IDK ALL THESE IDEAS ARE BAD BUT PLEASE PLOT WITH ME ANYWAY

[marksloan]

can u do a tutorial on how you do up close icons? like on a person face? like the vision icon you made :)

sure thing!

in this lil tut i’ll be running through my top pointers for character orientated icons! as always, there’s a heavy focus on photoshop. 

for reference,  i use photoshop cc 2018 on mac!

i always use the same process for my icons, no matter what. this form of prep keeps my options open until it gets to opening the 100x100px canvas and assembling the icon. you can find my tutorial linked here!

the main thing to focus on in these icons is composition (placement/arrangement). you need to ask yourself some questions;

where is the shadowing on the screencap?

you need to allocate what direction the light source is coming from in order to create the best composition. for example, in the icon below (saviour of the people and loml paul dierden) the light source is to the right of paul and the shadows are to the left.

when positioning the icon i like to place the shadows on the edge of the canvas to give the icon some dimension. it also helps to highlight the details of paul’s face, illuminating what needs to be seen. 

these two icons are made from the same screencap, they the exact same colouring and are completely identical albeit the composition. the second icon focuses on the darker area of the screencap rather than the lighter. it also brings in a little bit of conflict as there is a secondary, weaker light source at the side.

personally, i find the first icon to be clean and concise, with a clear shadow/bright contrast. it appears more pleasing to the eye than the first. but do remember that personal preference is completely subjective so what i find nicer you might not!

again, another question related to composition is:

what position does my screencap need to be in?

the age old question- what the f*ck does my character go?!

it boils down to what your want your icon to focus on and where the shadows/brightness are (as i’ve already explained- jfc soph stop going round in circles). do you want your icon to focus on one person or two? do you want minimal background or to embrace your inner designer and go negative space galore?

here are two icons.

one is from anna karenina and the other is from [the] chilling adventures of sabrina. 

the first icon has one person as the focus, therefore, has a lot of background and space. in my singular person icons, i like to play off of the shadows and try to give the icon maximum background. more the better. but then also be aware of the facial aesthetics of the focus.

as you can see above, i have remade the icon but changed the placement of anna/keira(’s) face. by moving her forwards, i throw off the balance of dark/light within the icon. i also take up unnecessary space with the darkness of her coat. this is not really giving anything to the icon so it’s not really something i should go to the trouble of including.

alternatively, by bringing anna/keira too far forwards, i begin messing with the aesthetics of her face. the second icon feels incomplete, as if anna/keira has been cut off. my original icon has her fully extended jawline and includes the jewellery (that we all know i took FOREVER colouring because that sh*t is hard). 

basically, in a nutshell– composition is a whacky guessing game and you’ve just got to keep going until you find something that fits.

and then–

in multi-person focus icons, you just need to try and balance the presence of the characters in the icon. the second icon genuinely makes me wonder why  i spent forever colouring and cutting out the beautiful back of gavin/nick(’s) head. don’t waste your time, try to find that balance!

now onto backgrounds!

i’ll keep this cute and quick.

my go to for a focus icon is a cute gradiet mimicing the light source, it’s quick and easy and looks effortless when pulled off lightly.

i’m also currently on a kick with using white textures on screen to really add something to my icons, but that’s something that i’m really exploring so i’m not quite there for sharing my wise advice!

anyhow i hope this helped a little bit! 

for other tips and tricks, here are some of my asks that i’ve responded to;

do you have any tips for cutting short/curly/messy hair?

hey, would you mind sharing a psd icon?

what are some of your favorite icons textures?

can you break down how to use different types of textures?

[betweenthetimeandsound]

Three Minutes to Eternity: My ESC 250 (#120-111)

#120: Iveta Mukuchyan -- Lovewave (Armenia 2016)

“Without even a single warning I’m not who I was before A chain reaction with no returning Now watch me craving for more”

Lovewave is definitely experimental in more ways than one—not only in how the song builds up with the jet take off, but also with the mix of Armenian elements and artpop. A contemplation on the ecstasy of love and how much it opens up a person, the lyrics bring out the sensation too, in an unorthodox structure including a spoken word beginning and a lack of a proper chorus.

And then we have that staging—if we're judging these only on presentation, this is one of the, if not the, best ones ever. A mix of fire, camera angles (which actually makes it more enjoyable for the audience at home, as it adds to the sensation which the live audience wouldn't otherwise get) and holograms bring up the intensity with Iveta at the center—she owns the stage as an absolute showstopper.

Personal ranking: 3rd/42 Actual ranking: 7th/26 GF in Stockholm

#119: Gina G -- Ooh, Aah, Just a Little Bit (United Kingdom 1996)

“Like a child, but it's more than a phase Could act the angel, but it wouldn't be true”

When the eighth-place song does better commercially than the winner of its year, then things have gotten really wrong in Eurovision. By the 1996 contest, most of the songs were low-energy, with some New Age and/or Celtic influences in between. While it doesn't mean it was bad, it did mean it didn't configure well with the pop charts.

And Ooh, Aah, Just a Little Bit was that song; it stormed through the charts and got nominated for a Grammy for Best Dance Recording. While it's an ordinary dance track, it still induces a jolt of energy and it's just so bubbly and fun. The harp and strings, while very slight, add some nice touches to the song too. Sure, Gina misses a few notes here and there, but I was too busy dancing to notice it, as well as staring at that pretty dress (which was supposed to be for Cher, but it was scrapped!)

However, those vocals also cost the UK a bit, as they placed 3rd in the pre-qualifying round, but dropped to eighth on the night. Considering the state of Eurovision during the time, this might be the song that triggered the televote.

Personal ranking: 4th/23 Actual ranking: 8th/23 in Oslo

#118: Şebnem Paker - Beşinci Mevsim (Turkey 1996)

"Kapandı son kapım, vuruldum bilmeden, Sakın o sen misin giden, Soyundu dallarım, delindi gökyüzü, Kaçıncı sonbahar bugün,”

“My last door has closed, I have been hit without knowing, Are you leaving me My branches are naked, my sky is darker Which autumn is today?”

The opening lines, along with the violin solo, set the stage for this gloomy, melancholic song from Sebnem Paker (the first of two, actually!) I like the autumnal feeling of this, as if one could walk across a boulevard on an overcast day, thinking about what has gone wrong in a relationship. The accordion especially helps here; I keep thinking of a street scene in Paris here. I also like humming this on my spare time; it could work out as an "on hold" tone for the telephone. It's actually quite relaxing.

An interesting thing is despite getting a better result ten years earlier, Beşinci Mevsim scored more points for Turkey in the 100% jury era, with 59 points. And Sebnem would go on to improve on that the following year. While I do look highly on that one like others (and it will eventually come soon) I’d like to think of her first entry as an underrated masterpiece.

Personal ranking: 3rd/23 Actual ranking: 12th/23 in Oslo

#117: Danijela Martinovic -- Neka mi ne Svane (Croatia 1998)

“Neka mi ne svane Nek’ me nema, nek’ me ne bude Neka me bez tebe ne probude”

“May the dawn never rise May I disappear, may I cease to exist May I not wake up without you”

One eccentricity about 1998 is that it begins and ends on a similar note--they can't stop the dawn! Ne zori, zoro (#163) does so through a dim, melancholic note by going through the struggles of a man on the edge, whereas Neka mi ne svane does so through a dainty, yet no less sad, melody about loss.

The way Daniejla sings this line is a highlight with the song, as she vocalizes each syllable with her sweet voice. She mourns for a lost love, desiring for him to come back and refusing to live on. I also love the orchestration; it adds to the magical feel and creates a sense of grandeur. And with a single swipe of hand, one of the most effective gimmicks in Eurovision history as she removes her dark cloak to reveal a white gown.

Apparently, to some commenters, this is the best Balkan Ballad ever. While I find it really beautiful, considering none of Zejlko Joksimovic's compositions are on this list yet, it's doesn't hold much of a candle for what is too come.

Personal ranking: 3rd/25 Actual ranking: 5th/25 in Birmingham

Final Impressions on Croatia: A comment on all their entries describes Croatia at Eurovision as the "reverse of character development"; in the 1990s, they were quite strong, with a number of entries that could've won in their year. They had a good streak in the 2000s, though their last top-ten was in 2001, before basically torpedoing in the 2010s. It's quite sad to see a potential powerhouse withering like that.

But weren't those really good entries, really good? And if it weren't for the Slovak jury giving those points in Kvalificacija za Millstreet...

#116: Pierre Rapsat -- Judy et cie (Belgium 1976)

"Sous ton rimmel et tes bijoux Tu pries Sainte Marilyn Monroe D’être une poupée, un beau joujou Tout feu, tout flamme Enfin la femme”

“Under your mascara and jewelry, You pray to saint Marilyn Monroe To become a doll, a beautiful toy. All fire, all flames, A woman at last...”

Have you ever been one of those kids who was rejected from everything in school and had no friends? Reading the lyrics to “Judy et cie” reminds me of that, as everyone else was so cool with their friends and status, and Judy just wants to feel accepted . With my spin, it feels like it get dark at the end, because Judy becomes so desperate to get attention, she turns to either selling herself to others or doing drugs.

Combined with Pierre’s composition, it just works so well. Not unlike with Somewhere in Europe (#126), it feels like a Billy Joel song with its instrumentation and depth. Relistening to the orchestration, it really works in conveying the overall feeling. We feel that loneliness and hope for better things for Judy, though we know that won’t ever come to light for her.

Personal ranking: 1st/18 Actual ranking: 8th/18 in Den Haag

Final Impressions on 1976: 1976 feels like a filler year, and at the same time, it's quite good song-wise. The production feels a bit bland; we don't have anything interesting, though the changing stage was definitely a neat innovation. The songs are solid; the top two are among the highest-scoring songs by percentage, but there's a mix of boppy and dark. More of the sullen songs makes my top 250.

#115: Anna Maria Jopek -- Ale Jestem (Poland 1997)

“Trzeba żyć naprawdę, żeby oszukać czas, Trzeba żyć najpiękniej, żyje się tylko raz, Trzeba żyć w zachwycie: marzyć, kochać i śnić, Trzeba czas oszukać, żeby naprawdę żyć,”

“You must truly live, to fool the time, You must beautifully live, you live only once You must live in admiration: love, imagine and dream You must fool the time, to save true life”

Around 100 entries ago, I told you about Sama, one of Poland's most eccentric entries. And now we have another Polish entry here, though this is the end of their journey.

Watching Ale Jestem's live performance, one first is immersed into the orchestration, with the variant colors springs to life on the Point Theatre stage. The following three minutes remains folkloric but a bit delicate, the pre-chorus (shown in the lyrics) build up to quite the crescendos as it feels like dancing through a meadow of flowers. Anna Maria keeps up with the sweet vocals, and she has a bit of a mischievous gaze towards the audience!

Both poetic and strong, Ale Jestem relishes in one’s existence, while imploring us we have to make the most of what we’ve got. The instrumentation makes this the ultimate spring song; the strings add a wall of sound that pulls you in (if it's a bit "messy", it's because it's in 12/8 time, though it gets easy to adjust!). It inspires joy and life, and it’s just all kinds of beautiful.

Personal ranking: 7th/25 Actual ranking: 11th/25 in Dublin

#114: Evridiki -- Teriazoume (Cyprus 1992)

“Σου δίνω τα χείλη μου, και μέσα στην ύλη μου Με κάθε κύτταρο μου σε τυλίγω”

“I give you my lips, and into my existence With every cell of mine I wrap you”

Terry Wogan famously warned the audience that Evridiki's performance will "smolder your television set". While it may not have made your TV (or these days, laptop or phone) melt until it functions with a melted screen, Teriazoume is so sensual!

It definitely lit a spark in the dull 1992 field, which didn’t exactly translate to points, though it has won my heart. From the way Evridiki moves to the way the microphone stand shakes, you’re on a wire as she tries to seduce you. (I've actually spent quite a bit of time trying to learn the handography in the bridge) The strings also add to that feeling with their sudden starts and stops--at one point, the audience clapped before the song was over!

George Theopanous (the songwriter as well as the conductor) does a good job in using imagery in the lyrics to accompany the melody, and the result is akin to a strip tease with beautiful silk clothes and lacy underwear. And in my opinion, this has more sex appeal in two seconds than Fuego has in three minutes. You can't change my mind.

Personal ranking: 3rd/23 Actual ranking: 11th/23 in Malmo

#113: Monica Aspelund -- Lapponia (Finland 1977)

“Tuo neito noita on, hän luo voimalla kohtalon Hän vailla on seuraa ja lohduttamaton Ja siksi loihtii hän noituen, hän luo voimalla loitsujen Hän tavalla Seidan näin miehen kutsua saa”

“That girl is a witch, she creates with the power of destiny She’s without company and consolation And that’s why she conjures witching, she creates with the power of spells In the way of Seita she can beckon a man”

Apparently, Monica disowned the Finnish lyrics of Lapponia because they mentioned witches, which is a pity because it tells a fantastic story! (And in other linguistic fun, the song was meant to be performed in Swedish, but the language rule prevented Monica from doing so. It would take another thirteen years for a Finnish entry to be performed in Swedish. In addition, there was a Dutch version only used for a commercial)

The instrumental is bright and enjoyable despite the cold land of Lapponia, and Monica’s vocals sings clearly and with joy. The clapping is enough to get one up and going, and it nullifies the repetitiveness of the "nananas". And of course, her high note at the bridge absolutely nailed it!

Along with a solid result, Lapponia got Finland’s first top score (and only one until 2006--see #140 for that), but it certainly deserved more. (Why did It's Nice to Be in Love Again have to complete the top three?)

Personal ranking: 3rd/18 Actual ranking: 10th/18 in London

#112: Anna Vissi -- Everything (Greece 2006)

“I can hear my heart breaking as I open the door I can feel the tears on my face burn like fire...”

I've honestly wavered between this and another Greek personal runner-up for this one. Both of them are fantastic, but neither would've challenged my winners of their respective years. After watching both of their performances, I turned to my gut, and this lost out.

The contrast between Anna’s questioning of the relationship and desire to get back together plays well into the lyrics, even though they don’t necessarily stand out. That doesn’t compare with the music and Anna’s performance on the night, which was an intense experience. Compared to Mono i agapi (#239) twenty-four years earlier, Anna is a but rougher on the edges, but still gives her all on the stage.

Everything about her makes her look like a rock-star; the Jean-Paul Gaultier ensemble goes down as one of my all-time favorite performance outfits, and the crowd singing along is a highlight of the 2006 contest. The climax featured an awesome knee-drop at the end, and you could see how much vocal control she had. That’s how you do a minimally-staged performance!

Personal ranking: 2nd/37 Actual ranking: 9th/24 GF in Athens

#111: Boaz Maauda -- The Fire in Your Eyes (Israel 2008)

“נפשי מייחלת לתפילת הלב החם”

“My soul is longing for the warm heart's prayer”

Also known as the other good Israeli Eurovision entry from the 2000s, The Fire in Your Eyes stands out as one of the more serious, yet beautiful songs from the class of 2008, which goes up and down in terms of quality.

Who would've thought that Dana International could write such a song? It’s so beautiful, with good use of Eastern elements to add a sense of mysticism and melancholy to it. I also like the clear vocal lines from Boaz (albeit with a crack at the end); his talent show pedigree really shows here. And the staging was quite pretty, though the backing vocalists' dancing does feel a bit jarring compared to the minimalistic lighting.

Ultimately, the lyrics stand out the most to me. They're really sweet and calm, with a serenity in the longing. I like the added touches of Yemenite Hebrew in the introduction, which adds more substance to the song.

Personal ranking: 5th/43 Actual ranking: 9th/25 GF in Belgrade

[houseofvans]

ART SCHOOL | Q&A with Martin Ontiveros (PDX)

The art wizardry of Portland based Martin Ontiveros has appeared in various galleries, albums, posters and has even been transformed into diabolical toys and figurines. Ontiveros’s graphic ink and brush style is meticulous and bold, transforming his horned and demonic creations into fun and bad-ass pop occultism. We’re excited to chat with this ink sorcerer in our latest Art School where we talk about technique, studio days, and what is coming up for him the rest of this year. 

Photographs courtesy of the artist.

Introduce yourself?   Hello, I’m Martin Ontiveros, also known as Martinheadrocks, illustrator and wizard. “Marty” to my closest friends and family. I live in Portland Oregon, I’m left-handed/ambidexterous and I have a large ginger cat/familiar named Zeus. Nice to meet you.

How do you describe your art to folks who have never seen it before? Pop-occultism? Creature Chic? What you might find inside an ancient tomb or temple from a previously unknown civilization.

Who were some of your early artistic influences that really inspired you to draw? It started with Star Wars in 1977, and Mad Magazine, especially the work of Jack Davis. Childrens book art by Jim Flora. Books and movies about UFOs, cryptids, phenomena, ghosts and black magic when I was a kid. Later it was Heavy Metal Magazine and the underground artists of the 60s and 70s, S. Clay Wilson, Greg Irons, Spain, etc. 80’s punk and metal pioneer artists like Mad Mark Rude and Pushead. Derek Riggs and his Iron Maiden covers. 

Lots of rock album art. Fantasy/conceptual artists like Mike Ploog, Boris Vallejo, Frazetta, Richard Corben. That was all the stuff that built up the desire, but what really got me drawing were the indie comics of the 80s with people like Marc Hansen, Matt Wagner, the Pander Bros, David Boswell, Dori Seda, Mary Fleener. I really really wanted to make comics by the time I was 17-18. I’ve since discovered it’s not for me. Art of the Ancient World, Mesopotamian and Mesoamerican in particular. There’s more to this list, I’m an old man now and have seen a lot, but we don’t have all day.

What’s a day like in the studio for you? And take us through your artist process –from start to finish on a piece. I used to start work when it was already well into the evening and would go until after the dawn, but in the last couple years I’ve reversed that schedule. Now I usually get up around 4am. I still get the benefits of nocturnal studio time that way, at least until the sun is up—no one bothers me and it’s quiet. I’ve become a Daywalker—I have all of the vamipre’s strengths and none of the weaknesses.

 A typical day is trying to stay focused while fending off my own distractions (I’m ADD) and steering around having to leave the house for anything, ha. I always start with a bit of doodling to warm up a little, then jot down a thumbnail sketch of whatever’s on the agenda that day—usually very small and rough, just to set the composition and borders. 

Sometimes I’ll spend extra time fleshing out details on certain aspects of the drawing, say a helmet or insignia. Then I’ll figure out my dimensions and either draw to size or use my trusty proportion wheel to do it smaller if need be. Next is the hard pencil stage. I like using 2H or 3H lead which is rough on the paper but much less messy than a soft lead. I don’t work with a loose outline, I need a solid and tight map to work from and when I have it on lock, I’ll transfer it to my final surface. 

That method goes for both a black and white ink piece or a painting. I’ll warm the brush up by laying our some strokes on scrap paper and when I feel like I got a grip on it, off I go. If it’s a painting, I lay all the color and shading out first, then put down the linework. And even if my pencils were tight, there’s always room for improvisation, a tweak or two, especially when I’m inking—some happy accidents come up now and then. I should mention that I sometimes have to chuck a drawing and start the process all over again, even if it’s close to completion because if it isn’t working, screw it. It seems wasteful and time consuming and I could probably avoid it by going digital, but I choose to do it old school.

What’s your tool of the trade medium-wise? And is there a new medium you’re looking to try in 2018? I swear by my brush and ink. Nothing gives me more satisfaction. The artists I’ve always admired most are handy with a brush line. Not to say I don’t like pens, it’s just that I’m not as steady using one and leave them for doodling. I love papier mache, it’s not a new medium to me, but I’ve yet to know how to make the time to do it more so let’s say that that is my goal for 2018. If there was any other medium that I’d choose to do over drawing, it would be that.

You’ve worked on many collaborations with bands and created some awesome cover art and posters. What has been your favorite collaboration and what would be a dream collaboration be? Oooh. That’s a toughy. I did a tour shirt for Mastodon this past year and I have to say that was likely the pinnacle so far. When I caught their show later, it was thrilling to see people buying it at the merch table and to know there’s maybe hundreds more out there wearing it. Dream collaboration…probably the Melvins. Or Alice Cooper? But with the Melvins I know I could just probably do me and not worry about whether or not I’m a good fit. I’m not what you would call “conventional”.

What are you listening to when you’re painting your various creatures and demons? Give us five bands you’re checking out at the moment. I listen to music when I sketch/conceptualize and switch to podcasts or play a favorite movie or show when I’m really into the process, it’s comforting to hear people talk during the heavy work for some reason. It’s another long list but some of my go-to bands are High On Fire, Sleep, Windhand, Black Cobra and Slayer. That’s if I want it crushing. If I’m doing something trippier, it’ll be Om, Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, Dead Meadow, that kind of thing. Podcasts are generally true crime or comedy.

What’s been the hardest challenge being an artist? What do you tell folks who want to travel down a similar path? I don’t recall the artist’s name who said it, but to paraphrase, the quote was that art can often be a dark and lonely pursuit for us. I believe he was referring more to the fact that we spend a lot of our time working in solitude which is inherent, yet it can also weigh you down emotionally. That really speaks to me, even more so because I’ve also wrestled with depression for most of my life. 

Your work can be so entwined with your sense of self-worth, so I suppose the hardest challenge for me is to not let my heart sink when something I make doesn’t receive the attention I hope to get for it. People can be fickle though. I try to remember that, and move on to the next thing. With that in mind I guess I tell folks to make sure they get out of their lairs when possible and share their frustrations with other artist friends, foster a support group of sorts because it helps to know you aren’t alone out there with all these feelings. That and maintain a regular paying job when they start out, because man…it can be tough making a living at it.

In another dimension, what would you be if you weren’t an artist? I’d be that weird old sorcerer living somewhere in the woods that the villagers speak of in whispers. Benevolent, but not to be trifled with. So, not too much different from what I am in this dimension, just with blue skin, maybe.

What are your favorite Vans?  Chukka Low? Old Skool? Era? (I had to look up the actual names). Basically low padded ankle with laces, and always dark colors with a black toe because I don’t like my vision being drawn down to my feet moving under me. I honestly don’t wear any other brand of kicks. I keep a pair of Slip-Ons for doing things around the house. Vans makes good jeans too.

What’s the art scene like in your part of the woods? What do you like the most about where you’re living these days? The scene that I know here is primarily illustration, at least that’s what I keep my eyes out for. Lots of sweet, supportive people without attitude and many that are good friends. There aren’t as many galleries as there used to be but there are other venues to get your work out there. I’m now in a part of SE that I’ve never lived in before, at the edge of being outside of Portland proper but only just so. It’s mellow and quiet here and most things I need are within walking distance. I got a couple stores, a good Mexican food place, a bar, you get my drift. I do wish some of my besties lived closer by though. And a decent art supply store.

Since this feature is called Art School, can you give us your most helpful art tip? This probably won’t make me popular by saying it, but learn the difference between homage and theft. Yes, it’s fun to pay tribute to an artist’s style or someone else’s pop culture/intellectual property now and then, I’ve done it, we’ve all done it, not shaming that…but the difference is, if ALL you’re doing is copying, it comes off as creatively lazy. I don’t care how many followers you may gain from it. Come on. If you’re skilled enough to copy someone else’s shit, you’re skilled enough to make up your own content. Raise the bar, people. Don’t lower it.

What’s on the horizon for 2018? New merch in my shop, a group show in Mexico City, more band stuff, my first trip to NY ever, toy releases, designs and customs, a collaboration or two, hopefully a couple of conventions later in the warm months. I’d like get back into painting on a larger scale and figure out how to take it slower in general, make my work really level up, you know? There’s always room for improvement!  

Follow Martin | Website | Instagram | 

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ that’s right, i’m a coward.

date: march 2020, the morning after showing youngjoo woo ah.

location: ash’s apartment

word count: 1,825 words, not including lyrics.

summary: n/a.

triggers: self-hate and fleeting mentions of vomiting and alcohol as recollections, but that’s about it.

notes: creative claims verification. mentions of youngjoo.

he wakes somewhere in the void of time, throat burning and face damp from the spray of the still-running shower that has now turned icy, and the acidic taste of humiliation on his tongue.

(later, the sound of the running shower lingers in his mind until there’s no way out but to lay it into a track. it will be a peephole into his own psyche only he’ll truly understand. there’s no way he’ll be telling anyone how dark he’d gotten the night before, pushed over the edge by one too many cups of his most loyal friend.)

time ticks by as ash wallows on the stone cold coating on top of the rock bottom he’s hit before he finds the last ounce of power lingering in his muscles to sit up.

it’s ultra slow motion that ash crawls into the freezing waterfall of the shower and cleanses himself, but it happens, and by some miracle, he ends in his kitchen with fresh clothes and dark bags under his eyes to find that he’d abandoned his cellphone on the kitchen island the night before, an unsent text still hanging precariously unsent under the red-letter heading of ‘joo 🌹’:

you have no idea how much i care.

ash considers the words for a moment, anxiety building in his stomach as his finger hovers over that treacherous blue arrow.

sense floods him and he clears the message box, typing out a replacement instead: sorry about last night, before he deletes that too and leaves the conversation, only to find his inbox flooded with messages from his manager.

he was supposed to meet up with him this morning to go over his upcoming promotion schedules. it’s now a full hour after they were supposed to meet and ash is just surprised he hadn’t been woken up by the man banging down his door one minute past their designated meeting time. tolerance for wavering punctuality isn’t one of his manager’s more prominent traits, but it only really becomes a problem on mornings like this

rough night. i overslept. i’m sorry. can we do this tomorrow morning before i go in to rehearse with the dancers?

the reply comes almost instantaneously.

you need to stop with the rough nights. you said you were holding off on the drinking when you have schedules.

ash’s throat closes up and he has half a mind to try to send his phone down the garbage disposal like he’d seen in a movie once. it’s nothing short of embarrassing that he’s being called out as clear as day. has his decay become so predictable?

it’s not that!

the man doth protest too much.

i’ve got a song in the works. i’ll send a demo in tomorrow to prove it! this won’t happen again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

he hadn’t been lying. not entirely.

call him a masochist, but he’d knows he needs to write as soon as he has enough distance from the hard, cold rock bottom he’d hit to reflect on it without his mind crumbling apart.

it’s a letter to her he never intends to send, but that he wishes he would so it could be the apology she deserves from him. writing it, he doesn’t know if he ever intends anyone else to hear it either. writing has become work now. work he enjoys, but work nonetheless, and the thought of writing something without the goal of it having worth in the form of a release is one his entire body rejects, so he doesn’t think about it. instead of thinking, he writes because thought only gets in the way.

he starts it out like a letter on notebook paper, her name at the top as if she’ll ever see it. it won’t add anything to the song. it won’t even make it into the lyrics, but it’s what he needs in the moment and he gifts himself the small indulgence of feeling like he’s writing something worth reading. it’s selfish catharsis to do so, and he doesn’t want to remind himself that he can’t ever name her so forwardly in his lyrics. lying by omission is the bread and butter of idoldom and that is a truth he’d long ago accepted, but he has been regressing lately. this is yet another way he’s moved backwards.

you have no idea how much i care.

the unsent words are the first he writes down after addressing the letter to her. the afterimage of the letters typed out on his phone screen are imprinted in his wrinkles of his brain and writing them down might be the only way to wipe away the stain.

i keep getting smaller and smaller compared to you who is getting bigger i want to hide somewhere when i see myself but i have to endure it so that you won’t know

he doesn’t know how to explain to her the weakness within himself that he’s so afraid of letting her see, but he tries, in this letter she’ll never read. in this confession he’ll never make.

i realized that it’s not the fact that my heart isn’t going the way i want it to...

despite what ash may have convinced himself when he’d let his stupid idealism peak through writing that stupid song, what he feels for her isn’t love. as much as love is a feeling, it’s also an act and they aren’t in the act of love. won’t be ever again. can’t be. he could love her again, the feeling, if he let himself. falling would be as easy as the first time if he was willing to take the first step off the cliff, but instead he’s tied knot after knot in the rope around his waist so that he can venture off the edge with the safety net of being able to come back where he started.

it hasn’t even crawled up his throat to his tongue, but the word love leaves a bittersweet taste in his mouth and he mourns the days love had been the most pure thing in his body.

...the fact that it never goes my way it’s difficult laughing it off like it’s nothing more and more

the act of love would be letting himself fall and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever give himself the freedom to feel the wind in his face again. it’s arrogance to take the dive when he knows it only ends with his face scarred from meeting the rough pavement at the bottom. he’s already felt the sting of what lies at the bottom of the ravine he and youngjoo’s peaks can create and there’d been no pleasure in the head injury such an impact caused.

so he wants nothing more than what they have.

so they are nothing more than what they have.

i softly bring my head down to hide from your expressions the shadow of you that i can slightly see secretly overlaps my shadow it won’t work out, it won’t work out

he’s a messy landfill of a man. he’d never wanted her to see him torn about and rummaged through by his own despair. there’s no path forward for them from where they stand. they’ve hit the end of the trail, as far as they can go, and it’s only man’s arrogance that makes him think he can pave forward through the thick trees ahead. it’s for her sake, he swears, not his own, that he keeps his distance even when he’s so close to bleeding out on the floor in front of her.

but it is for his sake and no amount of throwing his stomach up or drowning his sorrows in alcohol can make him less aware of that when the hangover sets in. his head pounds with the aftermath of the night before and the self-awareness of his own cowardice.

i’m fine, just watch me from far away even if you just look at me like that and your chest is overflowing don’t tell me anything like that

he doesn’t want to know if she feels the way he does, if mornings with her in his arms feel as right for her as for him. like comfort, like safety, like the dawn of so much time ahead of them instead of the months they’ve left behind. 

yeah, that’s right, i’m a coward i’m not thinking about how to enter your heart no, actually, i can’t do that

at the end of it all, what is he but a hopeless coward?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the track itself is simple.

he already has the guitar sample laid down with some effects on it. at the time, he’d abandoned it because the feeling hadn’t been right for anything he was writing despite how quickly he’d fallen for the shimmering chords, but now he hears a sadness to the notes he hadn’t heard before. he ponders the turn for dramatic irony he’s taken, to find renewed interest in a draft he’d once been so taken by but had left in the recesses of his files (his memory) because it hadn’t been right at the time. isn’t it funny, the artist being expressed no longer in his art, but, as if the universe is cruelly mocking him, in the creation of the art itself?

the only indication of the time passing is the four little numbers in the corner of his computer screen, but as day bleeds into night, he forgets the sting of how low he’d gotten last night. instead, he fixates on the moment right before he’d fallen off the cliff.

there’s no advice sought out from anyone as he works. three of his producer friends text him, but by the third time his phone lights up, he sets it to airplane mode and tosses it onto the couch on the other side of the studio.

the couch. it hits him again like a flashback, the hesitation he’d felt sitting on the couch before she’d arrived, wondering if it was wise to show her the song, if he could get away with saying he’d only been able to write it because of her, if she’d run the second he stepped over the invisible laser line between what they are and what they could be that he’s still aimlessly throwing sand in the direction of, simultaneously too eager and too afraid to find out where it is.

he bottles that feeling in his mind and heats and cools it until it reshapes into sliding synths and notes ascending up the keyboard on the right only to plunk back down on the right. it’s more about the atmosphere than it is about the musicality and ash doesn’t have to stop and remind himself that that’s okay because he can’t imagine it any other way. instead of a composition mapped out on the lines of a staff, it’s a soundscape in the form of a dark, wide horizon and each element is placed on a different plane of the expanse until constellations are formed.

recording it comes almost as thoughtlessly as writing it does. there’s no overthinking about delivery or new techniques to integrate and it only takes a few takes for him to nail down the demo vocals.

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when he returns to the song in two months’ time to lay down the final vocals, he finds time has made it harder. how does one connect themselves in the same way to a moment they’d once been in that they now know they need to move on from?

he sings take after take into the microphone and it’s like there’s a fishing line tugging at the core of him, unable to bring its catch to the surface now that the bait’s been cast out. but the catch is still there, under the water, still an easy victim to that wriggling worm.

his cowardice isn’t gone, and the way the steady beat of the song syncs with the beating inside his chest reminds him of that.

[overhotchoco2]

.*. Disrespect in Respect’s Clothing .*.

It’s been a while since I’ve had inspiration for a life observation. Things show up when you least expect them, and when you do anything but look for them.

That’s not fair - I did decide to start looking for experiences, learn, enjoy rather than do things with end goals or mid-goals.. or any goals in mind.

I hope no one this pertains to, or doesn’t, misunderstands me. This is what I do and I love it. I observe and make patterns out of life. So this isn’t to mean anything special or offensive. Hope this disclaimer covers all the bases. Now on to the observation.

The more independent the woman, the more centered she is, the more she wants a guy who takes care of her. And now, as you get your blood boiling, let me pour some ice.. or at least cold water, and explain a little further.

I’ve noticed this disease native to these parts of the globe a couple years ago. The disease of irresponsibility masked as altruism. The disease of disrespect masked as respect. I’m not kidding you. It was always refreshing hanging out with Romanians, because they will pay (sounds silly and selfish, but hold your horses). They don’t worry about leading you on.. I don’t know who the heck invented that phrase, but he was an American boy. This is life. We all have feelings, chemical reactions, ideas, desires, etc. No one is lead on by anyone. Who are you so superior to spare me, the weakling, your punishment. Get a life. This “lead on” culture is basically something guys do so well.. take a very ugly thing like disrespect, and embellish it to make it sound like they’re actually doing us a favor. Please... 

And this is where men or Romanian (non-US.. because I’ve seen it in other cultures around the world) guys of any age (obviously this is a stereotype and generalization), come in. They will pay, they will go find you a something of bread (even if they don’t end up finding any), they will be kind, nice no matter who you are. Again, I’m generalizing, but this is such a huge difference and it struck me so clearly as.. they just respect women as human beings. They know, because culturally, women don’t take crap, they have to respect women. Do these gestures lead to the suffocation of relationships? No. Most of the time, not even one-night stands, or anything at all. Do these experiences make women feel cheated and lead on? No way! That’s so absurd, I didn’t even put 2 + 2 together until last night.

I think there’s so much more mutual understanding this way. I can’t explain it, but it gives you the opportunity if you were looking for any “results” as a guy or as the girl, you get over it faster. This cowardly behavior here in the US in these latest generations is like I’m going to use you without any consideration for you, but I’m gonna swirl my hands in your face like a magician and you’re going to think I was actually very considerate of you.

And this doesn’t pertain to just physical gestures. Sometimes it’s in some words. Last night’s observations were a mix of multiple experiences, as I’ve said. Hearing words, to be fair I’ve been hearing for a few weeks now, that I’ve always wanted to hear.. it actually didn’t have the effect you’d think. It didn’t make me imagine a future with this person. All it did was make me feel warm from the top of my head to my toes, and all of a sudden it was so clear that it’s not about the future or labels. What I’ve been missing is just the courage of people to live in these moments with me, as they come, truthfully (hopefully) and fully. We don’t live moments fully. We always hold back in fear or in goal-oriented experiences. I can’t remember last time a guy, or anyone, just fully lived out the moment with me. I’m lucky that I’ve been meeting people, and now I’ve had these experiences more and more. Not just romantically-inclined experiences. But yea... dude! (Dudette for those extremist conservative feminists) I want to express my inner experience to all those guys who fear saying things to not “lead me on”... don’t be crap. Just say nice stuff. Acknowledge the other person as human beings they are, as equals, as someone with their own battles, their own fears and complexities you might never even know about. That does not make them fall in love with you so desperately you’ll need pliers (is that what people use? I never use tools, so I don’t know... pun intended? Not really) to get them off of you. It doesn’t make them envision wedding gowns with birds tying a bow (who invented the conjugation of to tie.. tying?!). The only thing I felt, was neutral warmth. Doesn’t mean I don’t like the guy or that I do.. that’s separate. And that’s the thing... it actually is the least manipulative thing anyone can do. And here I kept expecting it was the most manipulative. But it made me see the world completely differently.

I don’t know what woman I am. I don’t always look confident or centered or independent. I’d say I’m normal. I’m not trying to prove anything at the end of the day. So, maybe the initial statement was more of a hook to lead you on.. ;o) you’re welcome.

A guy reaching for your hand, is what we want. I don’t want a man demanding or expecting anything. Someone taking care and initiative doesn’t mean domineering. It means respectfully living in the moment with you. Just like saying something or courting someone, doesn’t mean for either party that they’re bound for the rest of their life. Really, even to those girls who talk about marriage... trust me, they’re more complex than that. They might not know it, and that makes it harder, but no one is one-dimensional.

But I’ll tell you that I’ve noticed across the board with any girl or woman I’ve spoken to. Guys taking care of us.. is hot. We deal with a million different things every day, as my friend pointed out. Last night we want, is to also add a boy to that juggling, who can’t keep up with his half of the deal. Now bare with me, because this sounds like I’m going down the relationship path, but let your immature soul stay open with what I’ve written above, that it’s not about some delusional assumptions of end goals, ok? It’s not about someone carrying us over puddles or spoon-feeding; unless you’re sick. I’m talking about the thrill of treating a woman with as much care, consideration and respect as she treats you. I find it difficult to treat someone anything other than they ask to be treated, though. So women and men.. what you expect, you receive. You expect a woman to freak out, be clingy, etc.. oh, you have no idea how much you’re also to be blamed for getting that. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but it’s a very real truth. We all have issues.. but my commitment-phobic intimacy issues look very different with different people. I dare say, when I’m treated respectfully, they almost are invisible. Almost. Ok, maybe not invisible.. transparent. I have had plenty “crazy” moments.. not as crazy as I’ve heard stories, but nevertheless. We’ve all been there, and it’s also refreshing when you hear guys telling stories that usually we put on women as experiences. So, I’ve been saying women and guys as the general stereotype, because it’s a commentary on my experiences and I am a woman and I’ve spoke to women and I’ve experienced these types of experiences. But it goes either and any way gender-wise.

I’m not on top of my game, wordsmith-wise, so I’m sorry this wasn’t very well put together. And I fear in my fear of not creating misunderstandings, I might’ve held myself back and made a messy composition. That was stupid of me, cuz people can think what they want. I’m honestly too tired of trying to cater to everyone by choosing the right words or holding back. I hope it made some sense.

We’re all in this thing called life together and equally. None of us know what the heck we’re doing. Most of us. And to claim that you’re somewhat superior when you know just as much or less than I do, is silly. And at the end of the day, it’s literally disrespect masked cowardly by the word “respect” as if saying it, makes it so. You’re not fooling anyone.

And people do get broken-hearted. That’s a fact of life. Until you find the desire, need, person to stop looking elsewhere, one or the other will get disappointed. Even when it’s mutual, I think there’s still some “eh” feeling in at least one party. We’re crazy animals! We put ourselves through torture over and over again.. talk about being addicts. But this is how life is right now, at least in some parts of the world where you date and you explore vs. having a relationship pre-arranged. But I didn’t write this post to be an all-inclusive, universal observation. It’s an observation of my local surroundings and the culture notes I’ve experienced outside of it.

I’ll tell you in closing one very real truth of mine. The last guy I liked, didn’t hurt me because he didn’t like me back. Because, well, technically he did like me back initially. He hurt me because he felt superior enough to say he didn’t want to lead me on. I’m aware enough to be able to tell you this.. it was the lack of respect for me as a human being, shown through his wrongful feelings of superiority. I was hurt because I was insignificant not for not being liked, though that’s what you often hear in those situations, but for being treated that way as if we’re not both human beings.

So next time, stop the “lead on” cultural disease. The person across from you has conflicted feelings, too. They have a lot more life than just what you see. Experience this moment with them, without making goals for yourself or for them. Don’t let fear guide your decisions, because it’s a miserable existence for both that way. The future comes at you anyway, and it will always be unpredictable. But you can definitely shape it to be an enjoyable or miserable experience.