overhotchoco2

[overhotchoco2]

.*. My Liminal Space .*.

A lot of people have had a lot to say about my relationship of the last four years. Well meaning, but the intention isn’t always everything; it’s usually nothing compared to the result, the action or the words spoken. Perhaps the most painful part came from receiving a lot of advice and not being seen/heard in that process. If I would show myself, I’d be called out for making excuses for my partner, and I’d be stuck between two worlds that I found increasingly suffocating, unfair and incorrect.

I’d point out, as I grew and realized and had more self-awareness, that I was not treating him right, and some voices would come back “yes, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior”. I was constantly dismissed, my growth and my own work with myself that was also advised to do (“focus on yourself”) was continuously dismissed in a rash judgement of “shoulding”.

Through my therapist opening my eyes to the potentially toxic world of “should”, shoulding has become its own word , a verb, and a cuss word to me. Increasingly, “shoulds” have felt contradictory to my path of wanting to be a better version of myself and be the best I can be as a human, as a being. And yet, my voices were stuck in the world of should and cutting relationships violently left and right in the name of “protecting self”. We have the power right now to go beyond the basic survival fight/flight/freeze instincts, and we have now the ability to discern information more complexly and create responses instead of reactions, yet people get so quickly overwhelmed and want the easy way out of non-growth.

So in this space, I’m going to share myself with whoever you are reading this, hoping you will hear and see me, and take my word for myself.

I just started reading the book “The Art of Holding Space” by Heather Plett. I recently made a new friend (I hope, so far she’s just an acquaintance like someone you just started dating is not your significant other just yet) who doubled, trippled or quadruppled on this notion my therapist introduced me years ago. Holding space. In a heap of insomnia later that night, although I went to sleep so peaceful and secure, I did a quick google search for how does one hold freaking space, because I have no idea what I’m doing and I really want to as my emotions and thoughts are running wild in me at 4am keeping me awake and in agony. Found this Canadian website offering a course, and they mention they use this book as their course book. So I bought it.

I want to share with you the first quote I have saved so far from it; it’s in Chapter 1:

“Imagine, if you will, that Identity A - where we are before the liminal space - is represented by a house built of Lego bricks. The Lego house serves us very well when we nee it, but now we’ve outgrown the walls and it’s time for something new. We can’t build the new identity, though, or even imagine what it needs to be, until we dismantle the original Lego house.

Perhaps it’s a bridge we need. But before the bridge can be built, there are a lot of loose Lego pieces that can easily get lost, broken, or stepped on.” - The Art of Holding Space by H.Plett

That spoke directly to me for my current state, but what made me pause the audio version and highlight it in the book and write it down here, was the realization THIS is what I’ve been going through for the last 3 years. NOT depression, I’ve been going through liminal space of this transition from who I’ve been, who I used to be, who I’ve become and who I feel more than pulled to be that I also have absolutely no freaking idea of who that is. In fall of 2019, this is also pretty much how I described my experience. I was in a moment of literally not knowing at all who I am. I thought for more than a minute I might have borderline personality disorder, and we won’t get into how terms can have such a huge unfair detriment here… but everyone, including my therapist and another friend who was doing psychiatry for school, etc.. told me that wasn’t what I had. Yet, it felt so much like it and only now I realize that this is what it was. It was not depression, it was not a sudden bout of BPD, it was not really abuse or gaslighting, it wasn’t anything defined by the masses; I was changing. I was in the process of change, I was in transition - and it felt like crap.

I was frustrated to this day that I used to know who I am and now nothing feels quite “me”. I don’t feel I have an identity.. and yet, if I wouldn’t live in a society of “should” that probably would not be as painful as it is right now. I should have an identity, or there’s something wrong, or I’m a loser, or who knows what.

And this is where I want to shift for a bit to my relationship. My partner and I met four years ago. In the grand scheme of things, we started being together right away, but in human time frame - it was a couple of months of knowing of each other, a couple of months of knowing each other and working together, and then we actually went out. And we’ve often said we probably couldn’t ever have been just friends, because we just dove right in, even by not diving right in at times. We broke up about six months after that, we almost got back together six months after we broke up while spending about three months in this will they won’t they space rebuilding a connection and affection, and in a not so very secure way trying to rebuild trust…by not trusting. So that fell through and I went in a deep dive to depression (or so I thought) after we kissed. I couldn’t handle … everything. And I’m not saying it wasn’t depression, but it wasn’t depression as a cause, it was depression as a result of having zero clue and ability to be in this liminal space Heather Plett describes; a fancy word for basically the space between what something was and what something will be. Neither of us handled it great and we truly chipped away at our love for each other, but we spent two years of - a terrible friendship. I’m here to describe more my experience rather than the relationship. At the time, I described it as not knowing how to handle the resentment that I had built up from his betrayal with me and with another girl (not your average cheating case, before you jump to that conclusion), how he treated her was something I was very angry at because how could I be with a man who treats someone like that. Then came the matters between us; I didn’t feel able to have the conversations and show up for my needs in a kind, compassionate and respectful way of him, too. And this is where those voices of mine would criticize me, claiming I should only think about me/think about me first and insinuating that I can do no wrong in that sense, I am incapable of disrespecting him or he doesn’t deserve my respect. And I firmly disagree. I vehemently disagree (is that the right word?). :) I couldn’t see a way for us to get back together fully, without me losing me in the process. I felt waiting was losing, I should point out. Waiting for the right time to have a certain conversation was equal to dismissing myself, because I’ve spent a lifetime of dismissing myself. At home, I dismiss what I like in jobs, over what my mom tells me I should like in a job, for example. So I froze. And then I left. But I stayed a little bit.. here and there.. would come close, then go away and this coupled with how this is his default since we met; no good.

What I didn’t realize was that it wasn’t about these absolutes, and figuring out the end. It was about the fact that when you’re building (whether it’s from what has been or something completely new), you have zero idea what it will look like and how you’ll get there. I was sitting on the steps of Lakewood Park the other day with another possible friend, and looking out at the water made me reflect on how I was just at the sea with my partner - 3 things I never saw happen half a year ago when on my birthday we talked about what’s the first thing we’d want to do once the pandemic is over (which I didn’t believe would be over this soon, and.. it’s not). Traveling and being in the water were things I desperately wanted, but almost couldn’t even think about or visualize. And being with him was something I’ve wanted for 4 years and again, was something I couldn’t visualize. And how it always came to be, was nothing I ever imagined.

So what do you do? How do you deal with that complete lack of control?

Well.. this isn’t that post, because I’m still very much in the midst of the process, still having little clue on what I’m doing. But what I do know is… listening to my inner voice is the best thing I can do. Choosing my relationship with him is something many of my voices don’t understand or approve of, even. They believe I’m not seeing or I’m putting up with unhealthy things, even when I tell them very clearly the unhealthy things are very well noticed. Just because I handle that differently, doesn’t mean I’m not handling it. Neither he nor I want an unhealthy relationship, and it hurts us both. I know we’re trying our best, genuinely. I choose my relationship because I’m aware of the intricacies that are just as valid. I’ve always had a security and confidence in myself that hasn’t always been apparent or understood, but I’ve felt. Being in this insecure space isn’t the same as being insecure. I’m just figuring life out. But I know I’m doing the right thing in figuring it out. I’ve allowed voices to think they know better than I do because I have presented myself as someone who doesn’t know… because I thought I didn’t know, since I was viewing and doing things differently. But now I know, I do know.. I just know my path, not theirs. And no one has a rule book for my own journey, unfortunately, and it’s hella uncomfortable.

Right now, my partner and I are in a liminal space… again. We don’t know how to be the new thing, the old thing haunts us, and there’s a lot of silence and uncomfortable insecurity. Meanwhile, we’re also both in a liminal space in our own personal identity part of life. We both are jobless, we both have higher aspirations to follow our calling, we both are a bit unsure as to what our calling is because that, too, I speculate has evolved and outgrown it’s own Lego house. In a way, it feels like too much liminal space, darn it! One thing maybe was doable, but all of it.. is hard. And I’m scared to fail, but also I know failing is only if I freak out and start wiping legos left and right, either damaging them for the rebuilt or having it take longer to find them again.

[overhotchoco2]

.*.  Soft To Be Strong  .*.

“The vulgar error is to think that love is a kind of illusion. It is the fault of bad poets who encourage this mistake. ‘I am completely enraptured,’ lovers say, as if somehow they were being deceived. When the affair ends, they say, ‘I have been stripped of my illusions’. When they cease to love, they say, ‘Oh. I see him clearly now.’ The reverse is the truth. The everyday world is shrouded. We see it dimly. Only when we love do we see the true person. The truth of a person is only visible through love. Love is not the illusion. Life is.” - D. Hare

Do you ever get this sensation that when you meet the one, it’s just supposed to work out? Little effort, and the effort people talk about (“relationships take work”) isn’t supposed to be that difficult, confusing, painful.. “real” effort. Not only that, but all your individual issues up to that point (baggage, walls up, disappointments, calluses) will magically go away when you lay eyes on each other or talk?

But in reality, I think some of us experience … not that. Meeting the one will not magically make you less afraid of the things you’re afraid of, magically solve all your “childhood” issues (basically, any issue up to that moment, really), magically make you a perfect communicator and listener, magically fuse together with another person’s habits, fears and different perspectives. No amount of knowing they’re the one will remove doubts about them as a person, your readiness for commitment, make life fall into place or even guarantee you’ll be together happily ever after from that simple fact. And some say it isn’t even a fact; that “the one” or “your person” (or to us 80s children: “soulmate”) isn’t even a thing, but a choice, which I personally feel it’s people’s excuses of ignoring all of the above (and below) to keep on searching for that perfection that is right under their nose. I do think “the one” does exist, but like I said, I also think it’s not a guarantee you’ll get to spend your lifetimes together, unfortunately, because - I think we have this idea in our heads that it’s not supposed to be hard. We think when they say “it’s hard work” it’s either not as hard as they warn, or that we can simply avoid it cuz we don’t need anyone else but ourselves. And that’s interesting, because some of the wisest, most spiritual and enlightened people I personally know, don’t quite agree; we’re social beings, and we’re partner beings. Being alone is not only not genetic, but it’s for the ones who choose to stay afraid.

And I can be quite easily put in this category.

But I want to go back to - we think when we meet our person, it’ll just flow and we’ll just be in sync and know each other beautifully and perfectly; finish each other’s sentences. Then we discover, if we’re lucky to run into our “one”, that maybe it isn’t so. But we’re kinda maybe taught that we’re supposed to; that it’s supposed to be perfect.

“Why do I feel with every atom of my being that I found the one, but yet it’s not fitting like a puzzle, and I still have all these fears, and are these my fears or theirs, etc. etc.?” is what we might ask ourselves. It shouldn’t be so hard, I shouldn’t be afraid, I should be elated and in a long honeymoon period - just a month, oh no! Run away! That means it’s not the one.

But “the one” isn’t about actions or feelings or sensations. It’s something you just know when you’re open to … well, everything. The whole Universe.

We all have heard the saying (and if not, you’ve heard here once or twice so far) that relationships take hard work; they’re not easy, they’re hard. How much do we really hear that and understand how hard the work actually is? And what type of work, too. I can tell you - not much. We just say it and repeat it cuz we sound mature, but we all think it’s not going to take that much work, or… and this is another good one: you’ll be magically inspired and excited to do the work. The person will be “worth it”. And then we get into a whole other issue of not feeling worthy when things don’t work out because one or both choose to keep looking or fleeing.

Where did we get these ideas, though? It makes absolutely no sense. You take two people who have been brought up differently, have different innate perceptions of life and everything in it… heck, you see it in siblings how different and how volatile those relationships can be, and they grew up in the same house with the same parents, going to the same school, etc. etc. And you expect, especially nowadays where people meet from across the globe, two people to magically just fuse and skip through a field without any problems, without any huge, major, difficult, excruciating problems in tackling those differences? Ever?

I think when it hits you, it hits you. May it be experience, may it be age, may it be self-work, may it be luck, may it be fate - I think when you get it, you get it. And it doesn’t have to be when you found your person. It can easily be before, during or even after. Those who somehow get it before, I think are the lucky ones. Those who get it during just in time, I think are also lucky enough. And those who get it after, I think it is unfortunate. I don’t believe when you meet your right person, you’ll want to make it work more, it will be easier or nothing can tear you apart. You can choose to ignore it. You can choose your fears, your doubts, your ego before it. It doesn’t make it any less true, nor false. When you find the right person especially later in life, I feel we have invisible, thick and heavy walls of baggage; we think it will be like the first crush in high school - all simple, straightforward, clear and doable - but it’s more like the Grinch or Scrooge trying to not be… grinchy and scroogey. If we’re lucky, we’ll try, but we may be so far gone in our defenses, we may not even try or see a need for it.

We think when we meet the right person, and I use “right person” for those that do not subscribe to fate and stars ✨ and aligned faith… it can be someone you choose based on some criteria, all logical and so forth,we think we can unload everything and they’ll love us unconditionally, even right away, too. That somehow they’ll just understand us. That we’ll understand them. If you’re christian, perhaps you know of Babel, and if you’re not, you at least know the translation software; and if you don’t know either, Google always has the answer.

As people, we live in this illusion that we actually understand each other when we speak the same language. I remember how in disbelief I was of Anna and Mursel - how can two people who can not speak more than a few words of each other’s language, know they love each other and they’re the one? As much as I believe in “ones”, I even found that one hard to believe, and you do start dismissing it and diminishing it “oh, it must be a scam. No? Well, it must be based on looks. Maybe not? Well, it must be because they can’t understand each other and they’re in love with who they think the other one is…” and so on and so on. But isn’t this just our jealous cynicism built out of calluses life’s thrown our way?

“Love is not the illusion. Life is,” as D. Hare says it. If you have been so deeply hurt by life and by love that you hold on strongly to your cynicism, then you can say this is just an opinion, a poetic movement and perhaps even that it didn’t work out too well in the play and it’s been taken out of context. I wouldn’t know of the latter, I don’t really know of either of them.. but when I saw this quote a few months ago, it clearly exemplified what I’ve learned, and I’m still fighting with every fiber of my being, even knowing this is right; surrender yourself.

This potential propaganda of some wounded people scorned in love- the more I learn about humans, the more I’ll say that it’s probably self-harm but they might not realize that - of how love is blind, or that one puts on love goggles triggered by mere chemical reactions for procreation in their brain… what benefit does it bring you to believe it vs. the other side? Because you choose to hold on to it or adopt it for you think it benefits you in some way. But I say - surrender is the true way.

A few months ago, I stumbled upon a song that spoke to me in a way no one saying the same message has ever gotten through to my core, to my ego, softening it to put its weapons down (or at least start thinking about it).

Marina - “Soft to be Strong”

“I know it's hard to be soft I know it hurts to be kind I know that when love is lost It's only fear in disguise

And I guess I've known it all along The truth is you have to be soft to be strong Finally, I feel the fear is gone I found out love has to be soft to be strong”

And my favorite part that speaks to my most hurt inner child:

“And I made myself believe Other people wanted to hurt me”

I urge you to listen to the song as it transmits meaning much better in its natural form.

This has been a long one, but it’s also been a while and it’s such a packed subject - I haven’t really even gotten most of it out on this virtual paper. But I hope enough to make you self-reflect a little bit.

I know there is a “one”. I know it goes beyond physical, mental, emotional attraction and it has little to do with any of those three’s logic. I don’t think I know that it’s a guarantee, unfortunately. But I don’t know that it’s not. Everything points in the direction that we can screw it up, or maybe as it was fate to find it, it was fate to lose it, or maybe we may never be able to shake off what is truly for us.

I have many regrets I can’t think how I would’ve done different, because how can you prepare truly for something you don’t know, never experienced before, can’t be taught, and at times you may not even believe in? All I feel I can do is be better now, and lean into whatever comes next. Yet, I still feel unprepared for any of that.

I wish finding “the one” would be magic. I wish it would be easy, everything would go right, both would choose to work at it and on themselves, at the same time, in the same way, with the same understanding. Not everyone out there with someone has found the one, and some are truly very happy. I think if you have, you’ll understand this message, but if you’re one of those, you might disagree with it or understand it differently. We’re all as clueless as the other, though. Who knows what the truth really is. All I can say is I believe every word I wrote on this virtual platform. I’ve felt all of it in a way words might fail to convey its meaning.

My life has gone through a lot of … a lot, these past few years. I may not have experienced everything everyone else has experienced, but not everyone has reflected necessarily as much as I have, either. It’s not a competition. Finally, I feel calm and awake and even happy. I’m grateful for how life’s turned out lately. Don’t think this is coming out of a bitter left-of-center feeling. I’m at peace. I’m excited most of the time about how much more I see now than ever, and also coming back to myself from who I’ve shed along the last ten years little by little. I choose to be happy, but my person is a real thing and with all my respect, love and peace in my heart, they will always be with me wherever life has yet to take me. I don’t know why. I don’t have the answers. I just have the observations.

“No shame in being sincere” - Marina

...and thank you to all before me through whom I can see this.

[overhotchoco2]

.*. Caring Epidemic .*.

Adrenal Reset Diet - 1800s tuberculosis was said that it came from a improper diet or lifestyle. The guilt-trip on top of the symptoms made it all worse, and the guilt-trip was so wrong. This idea described in the first few lines of the first chapter of The Adrenal Reset Diet by Alan Christianson, of people being “too lazy” and just need to stop being lazy, has been applied to apparently TB which we know 100% it’s an actual virus, disease, to depression and to even more mysterious things like adrenal fatigue. There’s “chronic fatigue” out there, because probably enough of the population feels it, it goes beyond lazy when everyone stands their ground. I’ve not met one single lazy person. I’ve met people with excuses, people with underlying issues and I’ve been feeling as someone would describe lazy, if I’d let someone describe me, but I know how my body feels so weighed down I physically can’t get up from my bed, or from my desk at work, even. Physically. How I want to do passion/pleasure projects such as dancing or songwriting and I feel I have no energy… at all. Even to watch Netflix! Where you just sit and watch. I lie awake at various times during the night, at times feeling guilty, but it goes beyond guilt because my life purpose and goals are something people have discouraged or not encouraged at least anyway, so it’s more my sense of failure/defeat that keeps me in a high anxiety place. My thought begin to feel like clouds, intangible and illegible, and scattered everywhere through my mind and through my body; discombobulated. I make lists of what I need to do, what I want to do, what I need to do for what I want to do, what I want to do for what I need to do.. and yet I get home, leaving work motivated and excited, and I crash.. literally can’t get up off my bed.. can’t even stay in bed and be “lazy”.

I don’t know where this awareness and knowledge, or wisdom more so, has come from in me. It’s just always been in me. When a doctor would tell me their diagnosis, I always thought critically about it.. is it really what is going on. And when I feel as I’ve described above or other ways, I can tell .. “something is not right” or “something is off”… something is happening. And it’s like all the theories out there.. whether regular medical or natural medical, I dismiss and I welcome things based on an inner compass. I listen to my body; literally. I literally check in with my body in an subconscious way every time “Hei, is this what you feel? Is this what’s going on?” On the surface, people who buy into what any type of doctor, whether naturopath or regular MD, says about what they need to do or what is going on, are enviable. But not really, are they? They still have things not work out, but they might dismiss it to .. more time needs to pass for the medicine to take effect, change the medicine cuz maybe another will do better, at some point they become so used to something they in a way don’t notice it anymore, etc etc. Sometimes time is the only cure. Even in some cancers, time can be as good or better cure than chemotherapy - studies have shown, and I wish I could share the studies but I’m a terrible researcher and I don’t have the opportunity right now to find them. But in medical school, people learn this.. so ask anyone in medical school, or at least for them to research it and get back to you. The problem might be.. it’s at this point a sort of gamble. But a gamble like chemotherapy, too, when you are objective about it.

The point being of this “speech” - we easily are made as a society to dismiss something wrong with others (and at the worst point, with ourselves), due to laziness or just not trying hard enough. And when the person, or yourself, feels like you’re trying more than hard enough to the point you literally are exhausted and still trying, running on fumes, we either give in, or continue to play the shame card. The danger of thinking we know everything, or what we know is stable and fact and will never change, is very widespread and damaging and real. People who know a lot will always present there’s so much they don’t know, because the more you know, the more you realize… there’s so much humanity itself doesn’t yet know. Dismissing things either to “depression” or “laziness” is not good enough. Taking pills is not good enough as much as not doing anything about it. But the most important thing whether it’s TB, cancer, adrenal issues, depression, a freaking cold/flu - it’s to be there for one another, to stop the blame game and the shame and the name-calling and the severance/cutting ourselves from another because they are sick because guess what? Your support is the greatest catalyst to being cured or at times even the cure itself. Caring for one another is the greatest antidote or catalyst for the antidote to so much of this world. Even caring for someone who may not know they need to be cared for, or wrongful caring has taken its toll on. Find out how they need to be cared for and care for them. They’re you. We’re all one. You abandon them, you abandon yourself.

In a country like the U.S. you see the lack of caring and the increase in individuality… and how it infiltrates every aspect of living, and how much more stress, more “mysterious” diseases.. diseases not from viruses, etc, but diseases such as chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, metabolic issues/obesity, etc… there’s a strong correlation between unhealthy individuals with a strong culture of individuality. Think of taking a killer whale away from its pod and “setting it free”.. think of any pack animal like that. They’d either not survive for long being vulnerable to predators or lacking the knowledge that was previously shared by the whole pack/dependence, or if they survive they begin having issues with their fur, skin, fins, pacing, etc depending on the animal. We are forcing ourselves and each other into separating from our pack, from our healthiest, happiest state. The pack’s job is to accept someone’s uniqueness.. that’s another thing. When you’re a pack, it’s not blind following or homogeneous thought/behavior/etc.. All your cells inside aren’t the same. Skin cells and hair cells are clearly visibly different. The pack needs to behave that way, like a body, and the individuals need to behave that way, too, as a body. We often say how people in “third-world” countries, in poor countries or poor neighborhoods or times are sometimes more fulfilled and happier.. sometimes we remember that of ourselves - it’s not the lack of resources, it’s the pack. People with strong families (a secure and loving sense of community) are healthier, happier, and actually probably less pro-crime or less criminal. It’s not the poverty. If it’s the poverty that creates crime, 80%+ of the US would be a criminal. Maybe 50% is more realistic, but that’s still… 50%. And they’re not. And same - poverty doesn’t induce happiness, either. It’s the family structure, it’s the community, the pack structure. (Community - can be family, friends, city, etc)

Whether adrenal fatigue is real or not, it’s not the point. Our bodies give us signals all the time when it’s not being optimal. Whatever that means for each person, or each time, that’s half the battle. Adrenal fatigue itself comes from stress… and all I can say is that there have been two times where I was in the state I find myself in: 1) When I returned from the UK (defeated), 2) When my most recent relationship was just not working out (defeated). It’s like a defeat with a sense of loss for words. You have all this information on what happened, what could’ve been better (of what you did, of what the outside did), even of what you could do now… but there’s a sense of exhaustive defeat where you just don’t know. Anything. And you failed. And this higher sensitivity to consequences - being hyper sure of the correctness of the next step before stepping the next step. And a sense of - I’m not being heard anyway, I’m not being seen anyway, I’m a nobody, I’m just one person in a large crowd anyway. This is different from being part of a pack in that crowd is homogeneous.. where an eyelash cell needs to be a hand skin cell; blend in. Where your function is actually taken away from you.

So.. whether it’s adrenal fatigue or something else, this is what’s going on for me and also some of what I’ve observed in the world on a large scale.

Caring, like intelligence, is where respect lies. They’re also both the sexiest. Those who dismiss that, saying it’s really about looks or it’s a front (girls especially) put on… they’re obviously trying to make excuses for not caring and not being intelligent for some reason or another. Caring and intelligence saves lives, too. Saves souls.

So what I meant by the title truly - the lack of caring is a destructive epidemic, and infusion of caring should be the epidemic going forward.

[overhotchoco2]

.*. The Sickness of Maintaining Control .*.

It makes me sick that it’s normal for someone to really like multiple people at the same time. Some people even claim to be in love. It’s not as sick if it’s one person here and there, but that it’s normal to many. Everyone’s about dating, foolishly trying to weed out people like they’ll find their person, they’ll find true love that way. They convince themselves with the biggest excuse of all - the more you date, the more you find yourself and who you are, who you like, who you can be with, who you want to be with. Why are so many people choosing to be blind and deaf and senseless? Is it because they just want instant gratification? If it was that, I’d be on that train. I can’t think of someone more about instant gratification than I am.. if I want a quiche, I’ll have a quiche. Well, that’s partially a lie many will believe, but it’s for effect, people!

But partially true. I am definitely a live in the moment person, but have a good head on my shoulders to not be ignorant entirely to my past and future. Keywords.. not entirely. I guess with dating, it feels sooooo good for someone to be interested in us. I imagine it also feels good when someone does amazing things for us. It’s not that I’ve not had that, but looking back at the general history.. guys have always just .. wanted me. And it’s ironic how my family would tell me guys don’t ask me out, guys leave, don’t stick around, don’t want to date me because I’m marriage material, not a one-night-stand material, because 99% of my guy situations, have been the equivalent of a non-sexual, more than one night technically, one night stands. Well, if kissing is sexual, quasi-sexual, then.

Hm.. I’m chuckling to myself. I bet somewhere out there, someone who might be with one of those boys right now, would read this and consider it a “Duh!” moment that they didn’t stick around, because, as we go back to the topic.. what seems the majority, is all about sex and sexual pleasure. It’s funny because there was a TED talk I watched a few months back about how guys trick girls into giving them oral sex as being the compromise.. how do so many people get away with such disgusting power plays and self-proclaimed authority? And I mention this because the other day I listened to a podcast about a “virgin” being thrilled she’s already done this act, but her virginity meaning so much to her at the same time. And at this point, you may think I’m this spinster prude lady .. and that you understand why at 32 I’m not married with kids or living the life of having sex with everyone walking down the street or something I’m supposed to do to not seem like an outdated, frigid girl. But you’d be wrong. I just think pointing out the lies we tell ourselves, is a good thing. And I’m pointing this out.

People who use you to just make themselves feel better for having someone, or someones, burn your light out. It’s funny how you take a wild animal and cage it, it begins to have droopy dorsal fins and shedding more than usual and all that other animal stuff you find only, or mostly, in captivity. And what’s sad is people thing that’s what relationships or marriage does. I can tell you, it’s the opposite. I’ve been seeing a lot of single people around me in even more clearer light than usual. I used to think .. hm, that looks cool, they look so confident, they look like they’re having the time of their life and I’m such a loser I’m not as free as them. And somehow, in the last couple of years, or months even, that perspective evolved to seeing the sadness like I have some ultraviolet vision now. It’s not that they’re pathetic and sad people.. it’s that they’re faking their way to be happy. They could internally feel fulfilled and happy in that life, so they don’t have to feel sad necessarily.. but they don’t really know so much. Everyone’s trying to couple up, but not at the same time. No wonder everyone complains dating sucks. You go on dates, on Tinder, on-line, at the bars, in clubs and you start talking to people. I’ve always been about clashing into someone. Being on your path and them being on theirs and meeting at the grocery store somehow, type. Because the truth and reality is that words, time, everything that we fool ourselves by calling “getting to know someone”, doesn’t mean a single darn thing. And yes, I just put that comma outside the .. “ whatever you call these, because I’m a rebel with rules that make no darn sense! The comma isn’t quoted, only the phrase is. So deal with it.

When you meet anyone in this world, you have a feeling about them. It may not be in a second or a minute, or it might be but we don’t realize it or understand it and process it, but it definitely is after just a few handful of times of spending some sort of time with them that’s less than a week. When everyone else disappears from your brain, from your heart, from your soul.. that’s all you need to know. Now, don’t get infatuation and physical attraction/desire/lust confused with this. Totally not the same thing. It’s when they make you feel at peace with yourself and quiet the rest of the world around for hundreds of miles, that’s what you’re looking for.

So all these people out here, and spreading from the US into the whole world, thinking they’re interested in multiple people, they like multiple people, WORSE - they’re in love with multiple people at the same time… they’re just delaying getting hurt and disappointed they didn’t find their one. This is not about prince charming, and I wish men had an equivalent in folklore.. the one is that person that feels like you’ve always been with. They’re the one who somehow knows you and wants your happiness instinctively. They’re the one who feels like your species for once. They’re the one who forgets who they constructed themselves to be before meeting you, and is for once, vulnerably pure themselves.

Now.. I have some spiritual growth that has led me to feel love for people I didn’t want or couldn’t be with. The Greeks had multiple words for love, and I don’t know which one is for that kind of love where it’s just a pure, kind love for fellow humans. It feels so deep and it’s almost better than anything else. It’s a kind of appreciation and connection as we’re all one. So in that sense, you can, and also PLEASE love everyone like this. But we’re talking about the love with a romantic partner. And I realize there are couples with open relationships and polyamorous marriages and all.. I can’t speak to you about that. But for those people who just do the regular dating thing, thinking they can like multiple people at the same time but who want just one person and who will realize one day.. hei, I didn’t know a thing about anything - have courage and have faith. Listen to your heart. No matter how much or little you’ve invested with the person or persons you’re with, trust your heart. If you don’t do what you feel, you won’t be living in truth. And it’s scary to abandon everyone, and maybe not even end up with one person, with none because you’ve not found them yet. But you’ll be okay.

In my 32 years, the one lesson I wish we all knew earlier on, is that we can lose a lot, but if we don’t lose ourselves, we don’t suffer as much. A lot of people go right into someone else’s bed after a breakup. They go to escape the pain, the loss, the disillusionment, the disappointment, whether they’re the ones dumping or having been dumped. It might sound easier to get over someone that way, but you’ll stay in the same cycle until you learn to be yourself, and that gives you more strength than hurting yourself for what they or you have done. So why do people do these things? I look around and I see so much commotion on these topics in all sorts of ways. I don’t get why many don’t get it when it’s so simple. And if the comment I made earlier wasn’t truly true, this one is; if anyone is afraid of pain in this world, it’s me. But when we choose multiple people or other people, we don’t choose the healing love.. we choose the suffering fear. So trust yourself. If you find yourself in one of these circumstances - just stop, take a breath, and learn to hear what you feel.

I feel like I’ve said this a million times by now, but you really can think yourself in and out of anything. But you can’t control the feeling, the gut, the compass that knows where you’re going (aka should go). Partying can be fun, the single life of multiple partners is what I’m specifically referring to, to escape, to not grow up.. and trust me, I don’t intend to “grow up” by any regular standards. But once you start listening, you’ll hear a different feeling between fun and happiness.

And one of these days, I will find my favorite quote by Paulo Coelho regarding finding a soulmate. I love him. Such wisdom. Hasn’t faltered yet.

But also - to love is to lose control, and we’ve become a population obsessed with control. Or we’ve always been this way and we’re going through that awkward, growing pains transformation of enlightenment. Don’t let the the illusion of control, control your life into unhappiness. Let go.

[overhotchoco2]

.*. We Drain Ourselves .*.

I’ve been cleaning my room.

Oh, sounds like such a simple and sweet, easy thing to do! It’s been a nightmare that’s taken a whole month and still counting. I’ve been tackling binders and papers and notebooks and ... just randomly shaped stuff that’s not as easy to stack or organize, but in it, I found this list I made a while back; “Who I Am” was the title.

People drain.

It’s not always their fault - most of the time, that’s the last thing they want. Usually, people get pulled to you because of your light, lightness, balance not knowing that they will soon be the cause of your light dimming, lightness weighing to heavy, balance being off. It’s difficult to find balance with other people. It’s not just romance, but for the sake of this (trying to have the least amount of branches to my thought tree) I’ll keep it more on the simple side.

This is not what I started writing about, but in having a conversation with an old friend, I realized ... people drain. I’ve felt like i’ve drained plenty of the guys I’ve been interested in, especially this last time I felt like I kept draining him a lot. I’ve also felt drained by him this time, too. It was a stark difference more than in the past, because for the first time, we met when I felt at my optimal level of happiness, carefree, lightness, balance and light, and it carried through as we saw each other more; until it didn’t. Until it became heavy and all of those began vanishing, and he began vanishing with them because what once attracted him, I suspect was what was disappearing now. And to say it’s because of him, sounds blameful and resentful, and it would be wrong. It is because of him, but not in those ways. If anyone would say it that way, it would be him, probably. But neither of us meant to do it. We just found ourselves caught in this dark forest (a la Beauty & The Beast style) lost.

But people do drain each other. 

It might be our lack on confidence in our communication - fearing what we say, will drive them away, which we don’t want, all stemming from previous wrongly interpreted or wrongly approached past experiences.

It might be our lives now being so complex that we don’t have much time and we have to sacrifice something every day, which somehow often comes down to: do we sacrifice a category of people in our lives (friends, significant other, significant otherS, networking connections) or do we sacrifice our careers (job, networking, organizing our room... that sort of thing), or do we sacrifice our health (working out, eating healthy, eating at all, eating too much, the elusive doctor appointments because when your schedule is full, when do you have time to go in for that pain or issue that might be a big deal, but may not feel as big) or we may sacrifice other stuff.

Or it might be that we don’t know HOW to communicate what we need, want, are because we can’t put it into words or clear channels, or we don’t know it ourselves. And this I put separately from the first, because this involves both of the above.. it takes time to reflect, to understand ourselves. It takes hard work to learn psychology, history, take a step back from ego-driven responses or authentic, though antiquated defensive reflexes to understand deeper ourselves and the others. We want fast solutions, because 1) we don’t have time and 2) because we have some faulty weird wiring that has us between a bird or a.. lion? It was hard to get from Google results about which animals don’t mate for life. That faulty wiring has us needing to go and multiply, and it causes us to make choices in conflict with another part of us that wants to develop a long-term bond. I don’t think humans are either or, the more I think about it, but that’s a topic for another day.

So - back to how I began writing this blog. AND! I just found when I wrote this list. It was in 2012. 2012! It is still very much me and applicable today. How time flies, though.

I’ll include the list.

A few things on there jumped up at me that tie in with the above thoughts. Taking things slow.

Now, for those who’ve known me either in that “we’re attracted to each other” sense, or the friends who’ve been there through most or all of those times (very few, and that’s ok <- look at that psychoanalysis you can do here), I’m easily one who takes things... faster than speed of light. I don’t sleep around, I don’t actually have sex (should I have included a warning about using such a technical, should-not-be-censored-for-kids word?), but I do get physical fast and needing someone’s time, fast. And I do mean fast. Until this year, I’ve never been ok with the part of myself who wanted to enjoy being with the other person on a non-quasi-sexual level. Yes, in theory I wanted to go on dates, do things, talk, but I didn’t want to show that! Because that’s what the stereotype for a girl is. And guys only want sex, and want to be able to discard you and feel you can discard them (this is fake, but it is what we, at least in the US, grow up to believe on both sides so.. it must be said). On the other hand, like I said, we’re in this constant struggle of wanting two opposite things. I did want to just be physical with people, and it wasn’t just my upbringing of shame or social norms that kept me from it (or germophobia, or phobia of diseases in general, being physically harmed, etc etc.. yey, being female! - just the latter one). I’d get so physically dependent, it was like a drug; and it wasn’t just LIKE a drug, it was my inability to resist the drugs we release in those moments that make us feel happy. Happy in a different way. When I’m on my path, I feel happy, too, but not in an addictive way. Which is how I felt this last time, was different. Not different like oh, I’ve found my soulmate, nor that it wasn’t like that; only time tells with things like that, and I don’t intend to make any bets or predictions cuz I know better than to try to guess what life has in store. (And yes, part of this is me trying to play into the social norms and expectations, and part of it is just my knowledge/belief that living in the moment is better than deciding the future) I just felt like this time, it had sprinkles of that addiction, and it was growing into a full on addiction, but there was a lot of the solid, confident, comfortable, not-needing-a-fix in it, as well. As soon as that balance turned into the addiction, it began feeling overwhelming, however, which is why finding this list where it says, “I will appreciate it if you slow me down, but not stop me,” called out to me most to reflect.

I wrote this possibly for this reason, but also very likely for the reason that I also tend to get carried away and overwhelmed in life in general. When I like something, I go full speed and full force ahead and I end up crushing it (ie. my childhood bunny incident). Whether it’s (a bunny), a human, a YouTube ambition, a foreign language ambition, anything. I want a lot, fast. So, in my words, I do want someone to be able to handle me in a way, to help control my tendency not only with them, but with life, in general. Someone stable, strong, solid who can help me achieve the things I want, but help me with pacing.

Something that might hinder that is also that I can’t stand being controlled. It’s natural. No human being should belong to someone else. We grow up belonging to our parent(s), and it’s healthy to stand on our own feet at some point when we’ve grown up. A partner shouldn’t be another parent, in that sense (or any sense, really), but a partner does usually balance you out. We’re all full pieces; we’re not halves of a whole. But for now, I still believe in the beauty of balancing out. We have our tendencies that sometimes are hard to overcome by ourselves, and sometimes we never overcome. I’ve definitely embarked on my mission to clean myself up, or some people would say heal, or some people would say fix or mold or shape or mature. There’s no great word to use, because words fail to express exact notions we know deep in our hearts and souls. Human language is better than other animal vocal languages, perhaps, but still not perfect. I fully own myself and I love to explore and grow. This phrase is still true for now, but I hope one day I won’t need it anymore. Whether with someone or alone, I hope one day to be able to have mended this part, dusted it off, cleaned it up, filled in any chipped pieces, scraped off any weathered plaque/tumor, and make it shiny and great. But I did want to take the time to reflect, and this was a reflection that needed more the typing over the speaking I do in my Facebook Live and YouTube Vlogs.

This past couple of months have been such a different experience. I am a very different person in many aspects, than I was when I wrote this list; even 6 months ago, frankly. But the person themselves were different than ones I’ve met before. Some would say that reflects my personal growth - who we meet, is who we seek, is who we want/need. It’s been an incredibly rich experience. It’s not necessarily over, because that’s when phrases like the one above are typically said. but I don’t believe in “over” anymore in general. I see life now more as a river, rather than a book. I do want to take a few lines to reflect on this specific last couple of months, though. I felt the comfort of being slowed down, but not stopped. I’ve felt the comfort of someone not leaving, but being in balance. I can’t describe it in words exactly, and I can’t be happy enough with having experienced it. We started out as distant as you can get.. like, really. And it was really nice to experience how it feels like when pushing someone away, doesn’t mean you’ll end up alone with your regrets (what if I’d have given them a chance, what if I hadn’t pushed them away, etc). It was nice to experience being pulled back, as I wanted to but all other times felt it meant the end. It felt like I was being grounded, calmed, like those wild horses that have been hurt by humans and don’t trust them (or I think I’ve seen some elephants in that sad situation). I’m not saying this with any heaviness or intent for the future, but I did want to acknowledge how good this has felt so far. When I would normally get out of control, it was nice to not.

And with that, here’s the list I wrote about 5 years ago. Many of these have already changed and altered or can be archived, but here is the unedited version I wrote back then.

Who I am

1. I am blunt

2. I am honest

3. I am awkward

4. I'm wild.

5. I am sexual

6. I am loving

7. I am cold

8. I am shy

9. I love life & people; all of it.

10. I will try to uncover what lies beyond your mask

11. I like hearing you talk and tell stories, not me asking questions

12. I want it all, and I want it now

13. I will appreciate it if you slow me down, but not stop me

14. I disappear to recharge

15. I won't nag if you are upfront

16. I observe.

17. I'm happy when I make people laugh

18. I am like a jester

19. I overanalyze

20. I am fine with who I am, and I will love you if you think the same.

21. I don't strive or care to fit in

22. I will test you

23. I will appreciate if you see through my defenses

24. I am a neverending optimist

25. I need excitement and novelty in every aspect of my life.

26. I love giving gifts, but not if it's always one-sided

27. I will do what I want to do, no matter who says what

28. I like special people

29. I have higher limits and lower floors

30. I'm an open book, but have privacy where it is deserved.

31. I don't believe in ultimate truths.

32. I will always help, even my enemies

33. I am scared to get hurt to the point I hurt you first

34. I'm a wild stallion trying to be tamed

35. I love to travel, but I get comfortable fast

36. Water calms all of me down; soothes my soul

37. I love music as an art, not a hobby

38. I can't stand jewelry for long periods of time; it's claustrophobic.

39. I love bright colors

40. I don't like chocolate or sweets

41. I love when the power goes out - we can return to a time where there was little technology

42. I am scared of fireworks and rollercoasters or fast, crazy rides.

43. I don't like lobster, but I love crab

44. I don't have one specific style - I like punk, raggy, dolled up, preppy

45. I want lots of dogs; maybe even some cows and chickens

46. I like things like holding hands and kisses on the forehead only with the right someone

47. I love night-time drives with sparkling lights as it is raining.

48. I am a hippy at heart

49. I don't like incense and smelly stuff all that much.

50. I learn a little bit of a lot of languages; it's the quantity not the quality in this case - because it alters your perspective far greater than the other way around

51. I love daisies (not the white kind)

52. I believe everything and everyone has good; the right intention, not necessarily the outcome

53. I love colors in my hair and change

54. I am a rebel.

55. You need to know how to calm me down and control me without me realizing

56. I dream and I know where my feet stand on the ground; I just refuse to accept that's where they should be

57. I love to write and draw

58. I love to dance

59. You need to learn romanian for me to be able to tell you things that don't get translated all that well

60. I can't stand sporty "house clothes"

61. I am deeply, completely spiritual; but I am disillusioned by man's religions

62. I want a tickler

63. I want to know even when we look apart, we're in each other's hearts and minds

64. I will believe in you and all of the things you wish you could believe you could do

65. I love simple, but my brain gets ahead of me and I don't have time to clean up.

66. I want someone to stimulate my mind, body and soul

67. I am a kid deep down inside and outside; and I don't want an adult

68. I bark and bite hard until I can trust.

69. I put my health above EVERYthing else.

70. I watch comedies and cartoons.

71. I don't need the news, but it makes me feel smart and more connected when I do - gives me a higher self-worth

72. I don't want to fight

73. I like passion

74. My brain is wired differently than most others

75. I like video-games

76. I can pick anything up pretty fast

77. I don't care for money and numbers and profit

78. I like a coquet appartment, not a huge mansion

79. I don't do what I am told I must just because I must

80. I need to be gently introduced to new

81. I am an underwater swimmer - I like to feel like I belong underwater just like a dolphin

82. I want to age gracefully and never try to hold on to youth, beause old is just as precious

83. I still want that *spark* after 30 years of marriage

84. My children should not know fear of a parent, but want to respect and honor and do what's right without being berated.

85. I will challenge you past your limits; I challenge everything

86. I need someone I can trust

87. No one should ever put me down when they don't get their way

88. I am quirky

89. I am kinky

90. I pick up my crush's likes & dislikes as if I'm experiencing what it's like to walk in their shoes

91. I am made up of everyone I have ever met

92. Paulo Coelho books make me cry

93. I cry when animals die, not humans (in movies!)

94. I cry from overwhelming joy 99%, and only 1% out of sadness.

95. I have felt life was over only once, due to a guy

96. I am not jealous, unless you make me

97. I will want to cook and clean for a guy, take care of him, but not if I feel he takes advantage of that; he needs to be equivalently involved

98. There are VEEEERY few people I honestly can't stand, and I let them know it.

99. I always felt like my life is an open book for people to take and read and if they can take something from it, here it is

and if someone says something that makes sense to me more than my confusion, I'll grab that and add it

100. I need someone who can make the world disappear just by standing near.

101. I love psychic connections

102. I believe in the mystical

103. I don't dwell over a fight or argument; I forgive and move on quickly.

104. I am 100% honest and I expect the same in return

105. I want a guy that will love me with or without sex.

106. Romanticism makes me gag except when it comes from the right person

107. I love my dog more than anything on this planet so far; he's my child

108. I've put up walls and defenses all my life, so it takes a lot to taer them down for they are built tough and thick

109. Dolphins are my favourite animals

110. I think alligators are cute!

111. I am currently broken in all areas of my life: health, career, personal relationships (friend, romance and family)

112. I am scared of little kids and disgusted by them; but I know with my own I will be a great mother

113. There is a stone on my chest when I hear my little brother cry in anguish, or my mother scream in terror

114. People's moods alter my own; I am a chameleon

115. Currently, I am scared of the person that I need and want in my life and without which I am broken; but I still can't let go

116. I am a hypochondriac under stress

117. When I am happy, I try everything and I am a daredevil

118. I constantly change and reinvent myself; my zodiac sign is mutable not stagnant

119. I need staying inside and cuddling as much as going to a big, crowded party

120. I get bored real easily.

121. I put $ after my numbers sometimes because I am foreign and there are far more important things in the world

122. seaQuest was my favourite show, along with Sailor Moon.

123. I don't read because I have no comfortable position nor patience

124. I hate romance novels and classics; I love nonfiction like self-help and mystical, or sci-fi/mystery novels.

125. Philosophy turns me on

126. I want a guy who has his 7-years from home, as romanians say; who knows how to be polite.

127. I like a guy who likes to learn and never gets macho that he knows best

128. When someone puts their hands over their mouth as they yawn, I melt a little

129. I love stars & night time

130. I need to get out of my head

131. Despite being afraid of commitment and relationships, I long for that.

132. I can't wait to get married and start having fun with my husband and our friends, and our kids when they come

133. I want to be a true artist singer… write songs, play instruments, be the sound engineer, have a say in everything (even photoshoot and CD cover)

134. I have found out what it means to find the one; when you are satisfied with life, no matter what, as long as you have him

135. I am a spoiled brat and a princess, but with a good heart

136. I can save, but I hate stingy

137. If I don't write down what I want to say, like a list, I forget

138. I am made to live luxuriously and free of money worries, but I can also see luxury in being poor and humble

139. I have been in constant battle with myself since I was little

140. I believe in God

141. I need somene tender, not forceful, ignorant or hars and demanding

142. I look forward to having parents-in-law and family-in-law that is like my own family

143. I am kind but also cruel

144. I don't smoke or take drugs, and I tried alcohol and I don't like it.

145. I don't want a smoker or someone who has a drinking problem, or a drug problem

146. I love tattoos, hate piercings

147. I like a guy who can talk eloquently, but not show off with big words no one understands

148. If a friend keeps me waiting or makes themselves look busy to gain my respect, I lose respect for them

149. On the outside it looks as I trust everyone with everything; but I have a lot of trust issues

150. I am starting to be a pessimist

151. I am depressed, and it is not what defines me; but it changes who I am in the moment

152. I sing non-stop, every day; if I don't, you know something is terribly wrong with me

153. The one who forces herself to stop laughing gauged by when she hears everybody else is winding down, just so she won't be embarassed

[overhotchoco2]

.*. Guyfriends .*.

My dream was always to have a well-balanced set of friends.. or if not, more guy friends than girl friends. I felt so out of place with girls.. the talks about dieting, 2 hour make-up applications, boy gossip, girl gossip (even worse!!!)... just gave me that fight-or-flight and my blood would boil. Guys don't say better things, but they're more in the moment in my experience. And actually, talk about life a lot more than girls.. like those deep conversations about "Who are we, why are we here" etc.

Wooo - I just realized that. Of course, it depends on your talking partner, but I've had deeper conversations with males rather than with females. It's not a criticism, it's an observation. Observing is what I do.

Anyway.. but lately I've felt having guy friends is more complicated. Either cuz you're afraid they might be into you more than friends and they'll leave if you aren't, either because other people might think that and give you a hard time or worse, give them a hard time in which case they'll leave cuz they want to save face/reputation, or either because whoever you're with might get jealous or just not feel right you hanging out with other guys, even if it's completely non-romantic and non-sexual. But in truth, how would they know? It's not a criticism, again, it's just an observation.

So lately, I've been feeling a lot more conflicted about it, and it's easy to say.. well, who cares what people think and as far as the romantic partner situation, the right guy won't have a problem with it (cuz the right guy would also be confident in your relationship and in himself), but humanity is not perfected and it's not that black and white simple, unfortunately for someone who prefers black and white more than she'd like to admit.

This was a short one, but don’t fret - a much longer one is coming right after it! ;o)

[overhotchoco2]

.*.  Eggshells  .*.

The thing that sucks about knowing more people is that you have more people to think of.

Meaning.. more people to constantly have to decide whether to disappoint or censor yourself.

Post the shattering of my soul that happened two years ago from a relationship that people might even doubt to call a relationship, I embarked as any normal person would, on a journey to focus more on me, not care what anyone thinks in terms of how to live my life, which kind of has to translate into not caring about other people, because it’s very darn hard to care about people and care about yourself at the same time. It is hard.

This year, I opened up the part I closed off, because I’m a human that really needs humans. That’s why I closed off, because it was hurting me too much that I didn’t have humans. The first time, it bit me in the butt just like two years ago and all the other times. But I made the most of it and recharged and learned and grew. The second time, it’s complicated and I’m navigating a world I’ve never navigated before. It’s completely new, uncharted territory, which means I have no freaking idea what is right and wrong. I try to listen to my heart, my gut, but fear also lies in the vicinity of that region, so I don’t know which I’m hearing most of the time. What I’ve discovered is.. yes, I’m still fragile, and I might always be fragile. As a female in this type of society, yea. As a person who wants to believe the best over and over again. As a person who is true to what her needs are. But, I’m also not what people have made me out to be, and what I’ve lied to myself about who I am.

Sometimes, I may misunderstand. It’s not quite my fault because we live in a society where saying things uncensored and openly, honestly is not what normal people do. I try to avoid misunderstandings like the plague, but that’s sometimes literally just me. People don’t care if you misunderstand them. People easily cross you off, don’t let you in, whatever. I think that’s sadder than my approach, but clearly we’d disagree. It is darn hard to be hurt more than loved.. a lot more.. a whoooole lot more.. basically 99:1 more. But I can’t and refuse to lie to myself, which gets me, for better or worse, in that predicament. But this time, I really decided to borrow what normal people do, and be that for a while. And I’m trying. I’m trying to shape myself both in who I am and who I should be, because I want to learn and I want to grow and discover new perspectives. For example, I’d have never really known that I’m actually not that bad. I’m not that much of an over-thinker, burden, over-dramatic, faulty-wired, over-feeling person. Ok, maybe I do feel.. or am vocal about my feelings a lot more than the average human being, or at least than the poorly instructed male species, but by trying to mimic what others do, I discovered this whole new world of human interaction and living.

But, with great .. something, comes great responsibility because now I also can’t really be as transparent as I always am and strive to be. I don’t want to hurt the other person involved, I don’t want to hurt myself, either, obviously, I don’t want to control anyone’s actions or thoughts, yet I don’t want to have to control mine, either.

I’m not someone who wants to micromanage. I think it’s hell to have to do that. It’s basically doing their job and yours. And in a human relationship.. it also doesn’t work out. And people aren’t always your expectations, which doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing at all. In actuality, it’s been a lot of good kind of not meeting my expectations. And when my expectations were met, it didn’t necessarily end with the best finale and the intentions might’ve not been all that great. So.. I try to navigate the completely confusing, uncharted territory in my best way, but that also leaves me frustrated with the confinement I feel regarding expressing freely what I feel each moment. I realized with this situation, that being who I am (even though not popular, an on-line presence nonetheless) who wishes to be transparent and inspire and connect and be the voice no one dares to be as far as what we all go through.. is a tough match with having any type of human relationships. I am bound to hurt them or embarrass them or make them face things they don’t want to face. And, some people have told me I can ruin a good thing, I could prevent myself from having a good guy, because I don’t censor myself. And that is a hard decision to have to make because I don’t actually want to be alone, but I know it’s a tall order to ask someone to endure and even enjoy. I don’t really think it’s possible for anyone to stick through that, willingly. Maybe it’s not too bad to put myself on hold as far as expressing goes, to explore this unfamiliar world for once.

It’s hard once you care, to be yourself. And I know that’s a struggle many relate to. I don’t think it’s a hard journey to resolve that imbalance.

[overhotchoco2]

.*. Disrespect in Respect’s Clothing .*.

It’s been a while since I’ve had inspiration for a life observation. Things show up when you least expect them, and when you do anything but look for them.

That’s not fair - I did decide to start looking for experiences, learn, enjoy rather than do things with end goals or mid-goals.. or any goals in mind.

I hope no one this pertains to, or doesn’t, misunderstands me. This is what I do and I love it. I observe and make patterns out of life. So this isn’t to mean anything special or offensive. Hope this disclaimer covers all the bases. Now on to the observation.

The more independent the woman, the more centered she is, the more she wants a guy who takes care of her. And now, as you get your blood boiling, let me pour some ice.. or at least cold water, and explain a little further.

I’ve noticed this disease native to these parts of the globe a couple years ago. The disease of irresponsibility masked as altruism. The disease of disrespect masked as respect. I’m not kidding you. It was always refreshing hanging out with Romanians, because they will pay (sounds silly and selfish, but hold your horses). They don’t worry about leading you on.. I don’t know who the heck invented that phrase, but he was an American boy. This is life. We all have feelings, chemical reactions, ideas, desires, etc. No one is lead on by anyone. Who are you so superior to spare me, the weakling, your punishment. Get a life. This “lead on” culture is basically something guys do so well.. take a very ugly thing like disrespect, and embellish it to make it sound like they’re actually doing us a favor. Please... 

And this is where men or Romanian (non-US.. because I’ve seen it in other cultures around the world) guys of any age (obviously this is a stereotype and generalization), come in. They will pay, they will go find you a something of bread (even if they don’t end up finding any), they will be kind, nice no matter who you are. Again, I’m generalizing, but this is such a huge difference and it struck me so clearly as.. they just respect women as human beings. They know, because culturally, women don’t take crap, they have to respect women. Do these gestures lead to the suffocation of relationships? No. Most of the time, not even one-night stands, or anything at all. Do these experiences make women feel cheated and lead on? No way! That’s so absurd, I didn’t even put 2 + 2 together until last night.

I think there’s so much more mutual understanding this way. I can’t explain it, but it gives you the opportunity if you were looking for any “results” as a guy or as the girl, you get over it faster. This cowardly behavior here in the US in these latest generations is like I’m going to use you without any consideration for you, but I’m gonna swirl my hands in your face like a magician and you’re going to think I was actually very considerate of you.

And this doesn’t pertain to just physical gestures. Sometimes it’s in some words. Last night’s observations were a mix of multiple experiences, as I’ve said. Hearing words, to be fair I’ve been hearing for a few weeks now, that I’ve always wanted to hear.. it actually didn’t have the effect you’d think. It didn’t make me imagine a future with this person. All it did was make me feel warm from the top of my head to my toes, and all of a sudden it was so clear that it’s not about the future or labels. What I’ve been missing is just the courage of people to live in these moments with me, as they come, truthfully (hopefully) and fully. We don’t live moments fully. We always hold back in fear or in goal-oriented experiences. I can’t remember last time a guy, or anyone, just fully lived out the moment with me. I’m lucky that I’ve been meeting people, and now I’ve had these experiences more and more. Not just romantically-inclined experiences. But yea... dude! (Dudette for those extremist conservative feminists) I want to express my inner experience to all those guys who fear saying things to not “lead me on”... don’t be crap. Just say nice stuff. Acknowledge the other person as human beings they are, as equals, as someone with their own battles, their own fears and complexities you might never even know about. That does not make them fall in love with you so desperately you’ll need pliers (is that what people use? I never use tools, so I don’t know... pun intended? Not really) to get them off of you. It doesn’t make them envision wedding gowns with birds tying a bow (who invented the conjugation of to tie.. tying?!). The only thing I felt, was neutral warmth. Doesn’t mean I don’t like the guy or that I do.. that’s separate. And that’s the thing... it actually is the least manipulative thing anyone can do. And here I kept expecting it was the most manipulative. But it made me see the world completely differently.

I don’t know what woman I am. I don’t always look confident or centered or independent. I’d say I’m normal. I’m not trying to prove anything at the end of the day. So, maybe the initial statement was more of a hook to lead you on.. ;o) you’re welcome.

A guy reaching for your hand, is what we want. I don’t want a man demanding or expecting anything. Someone taking care and initiative doesn’t mean domineering. It means respectfully living in the moment with you. Just like saying something or courting someone, doesn’t mean for either party that they’re bound for the rest of their life. Really, even to those girls who talk about marriage... trust me, they’re more complex than that. They might not know it, and that makes it harder, but no one is one-dimensional.

But I’ll tell you that I’ve noticed across the board with any girl or woman I’ve spoken to. Guys taking care of us.. is hot. We deal with a million different things every day, as my friend pointed out. Last night we want, is to also add a boy to that juggling, who can’t keep up with his half of the deal. Now bare with me, because this sounds like I’m going down the relationship path, but let your immature soul stay open with what I’ve written above, that it’s not about some delusional assumptions of end goals, ok? It’s not about someone carrying us over puddles or spoon-feeding; unless you’re sick. I’m talking about the thrill of treating a woman with as much care, consideration and respect as she treats you. I find it difficult to treat someone anything other than they ask to be treated, though. So women and men.. what you expect, you receive. You expect a woman to freak out, be clingy, etc.. oh, you have no idea how much you’re also to be blamed for getting that. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but it’s a very real truth. We all have issues.. but my commitment-phobic intimacy issues look very different with different people. I dare say, when I’m treated respectfully, they almost are invisible. Almost. Ok, maybe not invisible.. transparent. I have had plenty “crazy” moments.. not as crazy as I’ve heard stories, but nevertheless. We’ve all been there, and it’s also refreshing when you hear guys telling stories that usually we put on women as experiences. So, I’ve been saying women and guys as the general stereotype, because it’s a commentary on my experiences and I am a woman and I’ve spoke to women and I’ve experienced these types of experiences. But it goes either and any way gender-wise.

I’m not on top of my game, wordsmith-wise, so I’m sorry this wasn’t very well put together. And I fear in my fear of not creating misunderstandings, I might’ve held myself back and made a messy composition. That was stupid of me, cuz people can think what they want. I’m honestly too tired of trying to cater to everyone by choosing the right words or holding back. I hope it made some sense.

We’re all in this thing called life together and equally. None of us know what the heck we’re doing. Most of us. And to claim that you’re somewhat superior when you know just as much or less than I do, is silly. And at the end of the day, it’s literally disrespect masked cowardly by the word “respect” as if saying it, makes it so. You’re not fooling anyone.

And people do get broken-hearted. That’s a fact of life. Until you find the desire, need, person to stop looking elsewhere, one or the other will get disappointed. Even when it’s mutual, I think there’s still some “eh” feeling in at least one party. We’re crazy animals! We put ourselves through torture over and over again.. talk about being addicts. But this is how life is right now, at least in some parts of the world where you date and you explore vs. having a relationship pre-arranged. But I didn’t write this post to be an all-inclusive, universal observation. It’s an observation of my local surroundings and the culture notes I’ve experienced outside of it.

I’ll tell you in closing one very real truth of mine. The last guy I liked, didn’t hurt me because he didn’t like me back. Because, well, technically he did like me back initially. He hurt me because he felt superior enough to say he didn’t want to lead me on. I’m aware enough to be able to tell you this.. it was the lack of respect for me as a human being, shown through his wrongful feelings of superiority. I was hurt because I was insignificant not for not being liked, though that’s what you often hear in those situations, but for being treated that way as if we’re not both human beings.

So next time, stop the “lead on” cultural disease. The person across from you has conflicted feelings, too. They have a lot more life than just what you see. Experience this moment with them, without making goals for yourself or for them. Don’t let fear guide your decisions, because it’s a miserable existence for both that way. The future comes at you anyway, and it will always be unpredictable. But you can definitely shape it to be an enjoyable or miserable experience.

[overhotchoco2]

.*. Mission Accomplished .*.

It might sound like I’m a sad existence at first, but let me remind you that we all have something that’s a little not that great in us that we (hopefully) are dealing with and trying to better.

It shocks me how great and accomplished I feel that I destroyed possibly the best thing that could’ve been. I destroyed any type of “-ship” all out of fear and the pattern I repeat over and over again. No one has called me out on it, and I really wished he would’ve, but I sympathize at the same time.

It’s messed up that I’m happy just because I know I don’t run the risk of being happy and because I’m confident the bridge is burned and buried, when that’s not what I wanted at all.

The past couple days I wished desperately that I never liked him because that way I wouldn’t have destroyed anything. Only that way I’d still have all the things I miss that will never happen again. The ironies I live with. Now I’m happy I have no chance with him and I’ll only be close to him in my alternate reality that I escape to in my head, because that’s normal, comfortable, familiar. There’s no risk in your fantasies. When you feel too much, when it goes too fast, when they come too close, you can run away and they’ll still be there when you come back. You can pull yourself out of the matrix any time, and pick up where you left off. 

I saw clear as day how good I feel today that, (in my mind) I’ve finally destroyed a really good thing. It’s solidly burned, broke and buried. I feel it’s mission accomplished; this has been my pattern for years.

I haven’t felt this good in weeks. It is insane (not medically, but metaphorically.. or maybe medically, too, I don’t know - it depends). It was a strange revelation that the reason is because I know I pushed him away so well, so strongly that the likelihood of things getting better, is 0.001% .. I don’t know, I’m just making up numbers like any good statistician would, anyway. Yes, part of me desperately wanted him to have such insight into me as he showed he did, to call me out on what I was doing but that didn’t happen. Like I always say: into good or bad, everything changes no matter what, and this ended badly.

I miss him, I wish so hard things would be different, but I can’t see any way this can be fixed. Which makes me feel at peace and at ease, because it’s familiar, it’s what I’m comfortable with. I know this always happens, even if I make it happen, so there’s no more unchartered territory, there’s no more risk to be hurt down the road, or even closer ont he road. I can safely stay alone, sad, pathetic, messed up.. well, those latter ones don’t help, so let’s scratch them up. I can safely stay alone, sad, pathetic, messed up.

I never, ever, ever wanted to hurt him. This time, I actually tried harder than before to not hurt him while I saw myself go out of control. And it really was out of control. You might think it’s easy to stay in control, but not for everyone; not for me. It’s been like Speed where I kept pressing the accelerator and not the break, as if paralyzed or my wiring was crossed, because all I wanted was the break pedal! I wanted to not crash, to not destroy, not ruin, but I just couldn’t control myself.

It is messed up, I give that to you, but like I said above - you have your own thing you might not even be aware of, or that you already worked through. This is super strong for me, so it will take considerable effort. I’ve been slightly aware of this for years, but I have not been able to change it myself. I’d be a liar if I wasn’t hoping he’d help because he seemed so intuitive and aware and calm and just right. When I say this, I don’t mean I was using him or I was looking for a savior. I fell for him pretty first-sight, and definitely first-convo for unspoken reasons, as much as I talk about the spoken ones.

So, he’s still in my emotional center, I still care a lot, which makes me sad for however I’ve contributed and contribute to any hardship in his own life because of me and which is why I wish strongly I’d have never liked him because everything would’ve been okay that way. 

So much I could keep saying, but the point is this.

It shocked me how great I feel, how accomplished I feel that I destroyed possibly the best thing that could’ve been since ever. Looking back, there are no words to describe how effortless and meshed our connection was from Day 1. The moment it started kind of delicately haunts me. Sitting across the table from him, full connection - I remember clearly when I shut down because I felt too much and I couldn’t handle that and any uncertainty. My fear not only destroyed my happiness and hurt me, but I fear hurt him in his own way. It makes me very sad how happy I am for such a misfortune, but it fascinates me when I look at it objectively with my love for psychology.

Writing this for my fellow commitment-phobes, abandonment-phobes, and whatever the heck else is wrong with me. It’s going to be a rough road ahead to break my pattern to destroy good things out of fear, but I’m aware and that’s the first step.

I’ll remind you to look at what you might’ve dealt with yourself, or a pattern you might not want to be aware of. None of us are perfect.Please be aware of your patterns, even if you’re not quite one of the above, but something else.

[overhotchoco2]

.*. Patience & Understanding .*.

My random thought of the day today was: I wish guys would be as patient as my acting teacher.

As I’ve been editing my vlogs from June, I see and remember how much I’ve wanted to quit my acting class because, like with guys, the moment it got too real, too plausible, too close for comfort, too vulnerable and other things, I wanted to run as fast and far far away as I could.

So many times I would let her know I’m thinking of “taking a break”, but basically it was me trying to not “go there” where it’s vulnerable, where I have to open up, close my eyes, jump off the cliff and hope I’ll fly or that everyone staring won’t shoot me (you know.. like clay pigeons..or real pigeons), and even crazier: I’d possibly get what I don’t feel in this moment I want, because that’s the thing - when it gets too close, I stop wanting it. It’s a trick my brain plays. I fully believe “eh, I don’t really want it” but I learned last year, thanks to my wise dad: that’s fear talking, not intuition, not actual feeling.

So, my personal growth thanks to my dad and just..life and time, combined with her patience, her understanding and how she’d encourage me to keep going, but I also didn’t feel pushed at all. Because if someone tells me to keep going, you better believe I’m going to rebel against it. But she did it in such a genuine way where she wasn’t pushing in that sense. A couple weeks ago it clicked.

As I was talking to her after class, I told her I’m going to still come to class even this month; I’ve decided. Right before class I opened up to her about how difficult it was for me to make friends (because people disappoint me and I disappoint people, which I feel the latter is worse) and more pertinent data. It was a rough class because I felt specifically that day that everyone was against me, until I got to class and it was the most friendly/inclusive I’ve ever experienced everyone to be. And again, as I was talking to her after class I wanted to (I might’ve, but don’t remember) say so many sorries because I realized what I was doing - the same thing I do with every single guy… I push them away when they’re too good to be true, when they get too close, when I feel too much. I get scared. And push. And they run away. But here she was, having put up with my back and forthness so many times - 3-months-worth of it, and being beyond kind.

It wasn’t just my dad’s wisdom, or her patience and kindness, but it was also the push life gives me every time in the direction I should be staying on. This time all of those came together, because my fear of vulnerability, attachment, commitment, abandonment is so huge it takes an army to keep me.

And I wish guys would be as patient as she was. I wish they’d understand. I feel this last situation was messed up because of a lack of understanding.. but it very well could’ve been due to a lack of interest, true. It didn’t feel that way, but anything’s possible. But in general, though - guys aren’t patient or understanding, even those who know better. I had a guy try to be patient for 2 years, but he was in the wrong way.

Still, to end on the better note of this blog, I am so inspired by her in this situation. I’ve had moments I wanted to run away since, but today I realized how far I’ve come and how little everything matters. I remembered why I’m doing this in the first place. And it’s not only due to her, but also to someone who took the time to do 1hour or more of Meisner with me one random day that changed me life so much.

For those studying Meisner, or actually - acting anything! - I’d recommend finding someone to do that with, and I’d hope you have as wonderful of a teacher as I do. And if you’re in the area, pop on over to Houde School.

I have so much gratitude.

[overhotchoco2]

.*. The Time I Allowed Myself to Fall In Love .*.

Man, I miss his voice. Like the way he talks, to me it sounds like a bunch of kindness. I’m good, though. Like I’m not any more sad/lonely than usual. lol I have full respect for his wishes. But I also have a right to free speech and I deep down want him to know, as I’d like to know if someone thought so flattering of me. 

He’s the first guy, not saying that’s important, but he’s the first guy who I wish I could fall asleep to his voice. I don’t know how and why, but I can almost physically feel how it would be chilling on the couch or lying in bed next to him. I can practically feel how him caressing me would feel and I can actually hear the words he’d say in his sweet voice.

I’ve never talked like this about someone, and definitely not to someone. I definitely haven’t felt this before. But every time it’s new and different, with everyone. That doesn’t make them more or less important. The important one will be the one who sticks around.

But until then, I’ll enjoy my memory laced with fantasy for the first time of the sweetest voice to talk to me, to soothe me, to want to be there for me and of what I witnessed in front of me to be the gentlest touch. I’ve not felt it, but I saw it with my own eyes and it melted my heart.

[overhotchoco2]

.*. I’m an F/1.4 for Emotion .*.

A not too long time ago, a guy friend told me possibly the most important piece of information from the guy code.. or human code, really. If a guy likes you, there's no way he can hold himself back. Of course, this can be taken in different ways and the way he meant it was kind of.. no, that'd be rape, and I appreciate men who know how to stop. HOWEVER, in the sense of when you meet and you like each other, it has been a valuable piece of information to remember. Because I realize now, no - I can’t not like you just cuz 1. you don’t like me or 2. it’s not logical for our lives.

I can't shut off my feelings with logic. It doesn't work. I guess some people can, but that just kinda proves they weren't really into you (or whoever) to start with, so... as I said, it doesn't work. I realize now now, feelings don’t go away because a. the other person doesn’t like me, nor b. it doesn’t make good sense for our lives or current situation.

I'm like a f/1.4 whereas the majority (mostly because they're not quite picky or they have plenty opportunities or both) are more like an f/4.0. You'll have to excuse me because I've been looking at lenses and lens-specs is all my brain sees. What I mean is, I'm more sensitive to emotions than the average. Not that we feel differently, but our sensitivity is different. As much as I find it difficult to express in front of an audience, my sensitivity is heightened. So me and the average person I've met, don't really understand each other and can't get along for too long, because I start feeling hurt and they start feeling frustrated: Arina, why can't you just let go, move on, focus on something else, focus on you, etc?

And yea, I'm stubborn when I get these comments from friends or whoever, but it's just my setting. Try telling a f/1.4 lens to have its aperture set to f/4.0. Ok, that's a bad example because it can totally do that. It's the other way that is difficult for lenses, so basically think of it as opposite correlation - humans to lenses.

I can try with every ounce in my being to not express how I feel, but I still feel it with the force of hurricanes. Not one, multiples, yes. It's selfish but I'm not fond of having those storms inside of me and not out. Today I did my first activity w/ emotional prep (Meisner technique) w/ another activity and a door (yes, those are both labels for 2 other people.. we're so funny like that). Man, it felt so darn good to express how I felt! Phew! I had not one lingering sad atom in me. Not one. Then I left without expressing what I felt to express, and I felt like crap until I'm writing this, and even now and be sure even later. The moment was gone; you can't ever ever ever ever get back exact moments, so then you're stuck with the lingering, painful sensations of regret. The moment was the biggest deal.. it was really a very plain, normal, whatever moment if I'd have expressed it. And I'm learning this now; it's not the first time. It started a few weeks ago with something similar.. and the moment that was expressed..well, it didn't go away because we'll get back to feelings, but it felt a lot better and every single time I express something honestly, it feels a lot better than when I censor myself.

There's all sorts of feels.. not everything should be expressed, and I'm not talking about bad stuff. This is a, technically, good stuff I shouldn't be expressing, but it's still something you shouldn't express.

So back to feelings. When you feel something, you can't brush it off because it makes better sense to. Oh, I have many thoughts of how it logically shouldn't exist in me (the feelings.. I can't think of a good joke here, sorry - my vocab is limited), but it does. I keep trying to .. let’s see.. “be mature” and “grown up” about it, but I think it’s really just me trying to be something I don’t even want to be, and even more sadly, trying to pretend it’s enough to have crumbs over the actual bread (or cake or cookies.. I’d prefer ice-cream, but ice-creams don’t make crumbs). It’s a little of both, because I want friends, I want to be that “mature” person who can put feelings second and that insatiable desire second and think of the future where all of that will go away and you don’t want to ruin potential friendships over a temporary feeling. I get that, oh goodness do I understand! Amen, people! If you can do that, but I can’t. I try, but it hurts. I think I got it under control, but then it hurts and it’s deafening and overwhelming.

So I agree with that guy friend a while ago.. I romanticize the notion of a guy waiting for me, because lately I’ve been feeling a little more promiscuous and whatnot (promiscuous in the non-very-sexual-but-kind-of way), just like before I romanticized the notion that I would wait for a guy while he’s feeling promiscuous because I wasn’t into the whole sexual way. Did that make sense? Probably not. Moving on.

I know we can think ourselves into anything and out of anything. Anything. That’s why we should never make decisions with our brains. But we have to also be somewhat careful to be aware of feelings and what they actually mean. Another side-branch to the tree of thought I’m writing is my desire to take August off from my acting class. Why? Honestly, because I was scared, frustrated...scared. Things were changing, and I was thrown off. I wanted to back away, I was overwhelmed..and then I had a conversation with “my cinematographer” (since we’re past 48hfp, but I still call him that) who felt the same thing and when I said it, it came across like I was copying him, even though I have the vlogs to prove I thought of it first! So then I made the decision to keep going just so no one would think that, but I was miserable because it wasn’t really my actual choice. Then one of my actors dropped out of filming my one short this past Thursday and that put me back into: Arina, you should only focus on yourself. The time to do for others isn’t exactly here, so just go to class, keep your head down again and keep treading on. It’s a sad state to be in because .. don’t you think it’s sad for a person to feel that? But that’s what everyone sort of tells me to do, and life has made it clear this is what needs to happen, so... there we go.

Back to the main trunk of the matter, if any of us even remember what it was: I can’t lie to myself. Gosh, I tried so many times.. I’d wake up, ok, today feels better, I can handle this, I can be just friends.. and then again, gosh, I’m breaking down. I don’t do drugs, but this is kinda what I hear from people. By the time I’d get home, I was so not lying to myself anymore. I was craving more and more and feeling trapped to not say anything in order to not lose even the little crumbs I was .. I have to say eating, but it just sounds too wrong.. but I have no other word, I’m sorry. 

It’s been challenging enough to go through getting to know more people in my acting class, to go through the stages in my acting class and this filming situation.. I don’t need this to add to all that already difficult stuff (for me) to deal with. I can’t make this work. I had the same logical thoughts as to why it shouldn’t happen, but at the end of the day.. I’d rather be free to feel, to express care, emotion.. darn it! I want to show affection and be shown affection for once. 

And I know I’m complicated. I write all this, but gosh darn it, if the time comes any guy wants to be in a relationship with me (an actual one, I’m tired of the weird ones I’ve had until now), it’s not gonna be easy or fun. I get needy, I push away, I crave more and I also feel suffocated. Yey me! My only option is to find someone who’s on the same time schedule of feeling the need for space, and feeling the need to be together.. Ha! Good-luck with that. And even then, I feel guilty because it might not be very long-term at that. I don’t know what I want, and I definitely don’t predict the future. But gosh darn it, the longing for me to be free seeps into this.

I’m going to close this because it’s too long and I’m feeling the coherence slipping away.

I think it’s true what my guy friend said. I can’t hold myself back from really liking someone if I like them, and a guy who really likes me wouldn’t be able to hold himself back, either. Not in the sense this PG sense of just relationshiping it. So, I have to do what will hopefully gain back my sanity (or at least the sanity not lost on acting class and classmates), and cut cold turkey even though it’s really, really, really, really hard. It’s painful. But it’s painful this way, too. Darn it! 

In this moment in my life, and every moment, I want to be truthful and free. I’m dishonest and caged right now. I’m sorry I’m craving affection like anyone stuck in the dessert craves water. I’m sorry I can’t turn off my feelings, because I really, really wanted to. I did. But I realize every time I think I do, I’m just a liar. I’ve been my worse enemy because I kept pushing to pretend everything’s fine. I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to be like the image I have of myself in my head. But I failed. I’m sorry. I’m sorry to the person and I’m sorry to myself, but i just can’d handle anything else, right now.

Why can’t I be all mature like everybody? Why do I have to be that naive, feeling, honest person. Bla.

[overhotchoco2]

.*. Be By Yourself to Not Be Alone .*.

Two things on my mind right now:

1. There's nothing wrong with getting paid for what you offer the world, but there's a lot of wrong with being greedy. Greedy might win the race, but not the marathon and either way, definitely not a lot of trustworthy people. But that's just what I think. I think it's laughable at this point, and I just sit and watch.. you can only fool so many, and so often. Time runs out for that. 2. When people tell me they appreciate me for things I am that make me not come in first place and that make me be different in the toughest/most frustrating way, it makes all the doubts and harshness of being me in this world of mostly not me's completely more bearable. So thank you. You just re-balanced the ones from the above 1.

Both of these are linked to my choices in not getting involved in most of the local "industry". I just don't think it's worth selling myself desperately. I'd rather find another way to where I'm supposed to get to. There's plenty of roads to choose from, and gosh it's much nicer sometimes to have less traffic, too. Who likes rush hour, right?It's lonely to take the scenic route, but it's so much more fulfilling and you meet much more genuine experiences. You all of a sudden haven't lost all your life on standing in traffic, possibly compromising everything. Your journey was as much your destination as your destination. And I choose a happy journey, a value-aligned journey, a journey equal to my destination. Taking the year to be selfish has allowed me to find that being happy alone, being happy with people sweet spot, and I'm still working on it. I didn't realize how much I've changed until I briefly spoke about this last night. The difference between who I was and who I am - I'm back to who I was before a bunch of circumstances screwed me up. Some that were my doing, some that were others' doing. I've missed feeling grounded in myself. But it wouldn't be possible without the really, really rough road I walked since 2015 (especially last August), it wouldn't be possible without the job I will soon start, it wouldn't have been possible without the job I had which allowed me a slight financial freedom for a good chunk of time, it wouldn't be possible without the people currently in my life, the way they are.

It's like the last 10 years, exactly 10 years, have been this nightmare that's lifting up. The people I meet now, are absolutely opposite of what I met all that time. I thought they only existed in other people's lives and in movies. Another one of these statuses.. I'm sorry. But I'm too tired to vlog, cuz apparently just chilling for 9 hours is equal to dancing 9 hours. What makes me feel happy is that I have the best things in my life right now. Only I know what's been in my life until now. What makes me feel happier is knowing if it all disappears, I'll still feel grateful. My brain has changed permanently - and for those who struggle, I urge you so badly.. take the time off from being with everyone and be with yourself. It took less than a year for me, and for everyone's different. But it will change you and it will bring the instances, the opportunities and the people that are healthy for you, good for you, good in your life. Don't be scared of alone, because as Rose said it years ago on the Titanic.. you can be in a room full of people and still feel completely by yourself, with you screaming and no one even looking at you.

Do you want to be in a job you're valued? Do you want to have people that accept you, that don't mind you, that even might love or like you? Do you want to be happy? Do you want to not be worried? Do you want to not be lonely or alone?Then go be selfish, alone and with only yourself until you finally let go and let Life in by opening the doors that you're holding onto which keep you trapped inside. Don't focus on religion, don't focus on economics, don't focus on psychology.. you have all the knowledge in you.

Well.. that turned out to be something very different at the end. Welcome to my vlogs, in written form. I have such a big problem.

[overhotchoco2]

.*. The Regret of Not Starting .*.

I’m watching Suspicious Partner, a SKorean drama. Somehow, like it often seems to happen in moments of high peaks of unusual, or out of the ordinary situations, it reflects what I’m going through in my life.

It wasn’t only wickedness and scheming that made people unhappy, it was confusion and misunderstanding; above all, it was the failure to grasp the simple truth that other people are as real as you.— Ian McEwan, Atonement (via anenlighteningellipsis)

This quote also does that, a little bit.  The dialogue goes something like this:

“Don’t like me.” with inner dialogue: ‘Will I regret this moment?’ ‘Stopping completely because of this fear of starting... will I regret it?’

If I’m honest, I thought this. Despite me being the one feeling the need to confess and not the receiver, I felt this way. I stopped before starting; before I even knew if there was something to start. Why? I know, but I don’t know if I am able to tell you. Not because I wouldn’t want to necessarily, but because having thoughts and feelings is very different than being able to express them in words, written or spoken.

It has something to do with fear. Obviously. Fear of being rejected. Fear of having to reject. Is that ironic? Is that confusing? It should be. It is for me. How can I be afraid of someone rejecting me and rejecting someone at the same time? But it’s my truth. This duality has kept me and others in a complicated relationship every single time. I’m scared if I start, both that I won’t be able to stop and that I will have to stop it. I want to be free, to flow, to be without plans and expectations, but I also don’t want pain for me or for someone else.

I sabotage myself by saying all the wrong things, things I know push people away, things that might be true, but often times exaggerated. I do that to protect myself. Yes, to test someone’s desire to truly be with me, but also to avoid actually being with them. I do all those. But I also then go hide, run away to avoid the possibility in the future that I will have to end it, that they will have to end it, that it will come to an end for both of us to find better beginnings, but in my unwillingness to go with the flow, I choose to never even begin. Despite the fact, actual fact, that I now am able to go with the flow more than I’ve ever been able to before. Despite the fact I’m able to rejoice and enjoy things changing.. but not with love. Not with something where you risk you self and even your actual safety. You’re vulnerable, I’d be vulnerable like a dog with their tummy up - I’d have to put my ego, my heart, my body, my self at the mercy of someone’s hands. However kind and gentle and loving they might seem right now, I know there’s a chance they could do harm. If we get too close, both good and bad outcomes can be bad.

So, I say this to myself even now, now that it’s passed and gone and the moment’s different now, now that I didn’t have the courage to act at that time.

‘Will I regret this moment? Stopping completely because of this fear of starting... will I regret it?’

[overhotchoco2]

.*. I Love Myself .*. I’m Part of a Whole .*.

I just wrote a lot of messages to my dad, because I have no one else I felt could understand and be happy for me. I don't even know if he will. Or if he'll believe..or if he knows I'm at the beginning. I wish I could summarize them or translate them, but it’s late, I’m exhausted and I hope this is enough. Just for context, though, I was telling him how I had this realization from a “hate” comment regarding my latest YouTube rant (aka moralization), that I actually look less to others for love and appreciation and validation of myself. And it feels pretty darn amazing to look at the journey of how I’ve got here and how far I’ve come.

What I want to add, and post, is.. I feel closer, if not already there, to being ready to find someone. I'm watching a Taiwanese show (Just For You in english) and it's a kind of sad but happy moment about a birthday. Doesn't really matter.. but it is about a couple, sort of. I realized I'm so happy with myself and I love myself which makes me feel loveable. I'm no longer feeling (in this moment, at least) unworthy, ashamed, broken, unloveable. I can see myself meeting people, guys, and being nice and friendly and accepting of their interest but also not tied to it.. almost. I'm still working through this one and I feel only then I will be ready for a relationship..when guys' attention and interest won't make me latch onto them just for the affection thinking "oh, he's nice to me, maybe he's it". I'm getting there, for sure. Absolutely. I have examples. It also feels like some sort of peace, not to be morbid or jinx anything, but that fear we all or most have of dying, because we haven't accomplished what we wanted to, because no one loves us, because society or culture tells us we're wrong, sinning, bad people.. that goes away in feeling this way. I know it's still a journey for me, and this is an oasis type moment, but I feels good and I want more of it. It's a peace not thinking something will happen, but feeling good enough and respectful enough that when that happens, I don't fear not being enough for the creating force that supposedly judges us at the end. Whether that's true or not. I confidently love myself more and more, and that means I see myself as good which turns into being good which yields more feelings of seeing good in me and I've turned from a bad vicious cycle, to a good vicious cycle. Not in it yet, but I have more than the little toe in it.

I'm tired and I could write more, but I'm tired. This sounds like something I want to post on my blog, but I feel there's more I want to say, but I'm tired. And I have to also trust myself and life that if I'll get to post this, fine, if not, that's also fine. There's no urgency really, nor is there failure or purpose. Everything flows and the world isn't on only one person's shoulders. I'm doing the best I can, and I trust I'm not the only one separate.. others can fill in my gaps as I fill in theirs.

[overhotchoco2]

Moved Over

I’ve moved on over to http://www.arinaanari.com

So come check it out! <3

[overhotchoco2]

I rarely reblog onto this blog.. but perfectly showed up when I logged in to write my last post.