#but alas it's not going to be completely done by tuesday when it's still scheduled to go live so stay tuned

[causticsunshine]

hellooo for anyone interested in reading this year's momrry—if you're able to vote via twitter, please let me know if you have a chapter formatting preference here!

seeing as how i've paced things, i'll be able to break the fic up either way easily! it just depends on whether you guys would like fewer chapters that are quite long, or a few more chapters that are a little bit shorter that the former (but honestly not by much lol).

any feedback is greatly appreciated <3

[sunnysviolin]

au where kel shatters (i use shatter instead of snap bc snap implies anger) and just. stops trying. like completely fading into the background, giving up on everything except his visits to sunny and maybe basketball. - ⚜️

A wild nonnie appeared! Hahaha lol my stupid jokes only make me laugh. BUT! Welcome to the club fleur de lis <3 I saw you and immediately gasped and began to work on this. I saved it and scheduled this to go out after Mari’s birthday so uhhh Happy Tuesday! I’ve gotta catch em all LMAO. Also what an ask to start off with I love it so much! I feel bad because it’s clear who my favorite characters are and which ones I neglect, but alas. People who say they don’t have favorite children….liars...all of em. Anyways here take some headcanons for this nonnie. 

ALSO Honestly this isn’t even really an AU, It’s like a soft sort of canon shift that butterfly effects outward. I’m also going with the suicide ending where both Basil and Sunny end up dying so trigger/spoiler warning. Usually I put this kind of thing under a read more if I put a trigger warning, but I don’t think I will because it’s not like explicitly discussed here. I will put it in the tags though…. Haha I lied! I’m putting this under a read more because it got long as fuck and also it’s actually really sad….geez

I think that there’s a lot in canon that supports this au idea. Honestly it’s crazy to think that somehow he held onto his positivity and that’s what saved everyone. If Kel hadn’t continued to reach out to Sunny for all of those years and continued to treat all of his friends with love and determination...they might’ve all ended up being consumed by their grief

So what if….he didn’t continue to reach out

After Mari dies Kel does his best to try and hold together a rapidly sinking ship. He does his best to be there for Hero, to check on Sunny, to defend Basil from Aubrey even though Basil is increasingly pulling away.

It’s hard work and he has no support system, but he knows that his people need him. He still has his optimism and it gives him strength

But what would be enough to shatter that? What would be enough to push Kel into giving up?

Hero

Hero was able to make a shift after the night that he and Kel argued. In canon he says terrible things to Kel, but almost immediately apologizes and comes back into being himself somewhat. His parents tried to take him away, but Hero persevered past that and probably saved himself and Kel that night.

Everyone was alone after Mari died, but after that night Hero and Kel at least somewhat had each other. I think it’s because of that that Kel is able to keep up his hope in canon. 

So this is the one shift in this AU. Hero lets his parents take him away. He didn't come back that night. Kel was left alone after their argument. 

That night is Kel’s formative experience. His brother and his parents leaving him and letting him be all by himself drowning in his grief and his pain. It’s a terrible night, but he’s still alive the next day. Still alive, but he’s different now. Hero still makes him breakfast and still apologizes, but the damage is already done. 

Kel takes the plate and picks at the food, but he doesn’t tell his brother it’s okay. He doesn’t forgive him. Hero thinks that Kel is angry with him and needs time, but Kel isn’t angry. Kel is just tired and he has given in to what the rest of them already gave into

Kel goes to school that day and he doesn’t look to see if Basil came today. When Aubrey and her group try to provoke him, Kel doesn’t take the bait. After school he goes to the park and plays basketball by himself. He doesn’t go home until late in the night. Practicing basketball is the first thing that has felt good to him in a long time. Sinking shots is a simple motion that brings success over and over. 

He gets home after dark, long past curfew.

Hero was worried sick and his parents are angry, and Kel just...doesn’t care. His brother is shaking him and his parents are yelling, and all of it just bounces off of Kel. He isn’t scared by their reactions, isn’t annoyed or irritated. He’s just...mute. 

And that’s how it continues. Hero keeps trying to reach him, but Kel won’t be reached. He heard exactly what Hero thought of him that night, and he’s done with trying. It’s not even a spiteful or angry thing. He just doesn’t have any hope that things will get better anymore. 

Kel stops knocking on Sunny’s door everyday afterschool. He stops looking for Basil in the halls. Aubrey’s insults and taunts roll off of him and she slowly stops trying to get his attention. Kel focuses in on the few things he knows he still understands. The feeling of dribbling a ball. The faint heart race of running across a court. 

Kel makes it onto the varsity team when he’s 14. Freshman normally don’t, but he’s good. He’s really good, but there’s one key thing that holds him from being the best. Kel is not a team player. It’s not that he hogs the ball or has some negative energy, he just has no interest in bonding with the rest of the team. 

((He had people. He had people and he lost people. Kel doesn’t want any new people))

There is only one thing that gives him a tiny amount of hope. When he’s 16, he finds out Sunny is moving. He takes the last meagre amount of will he has and knocks on Sunny’s door. For the first time...Sunny answers. 

Those three days bring Kel back to who he used to be. Running around town with Sunny, solving problems, even fighting feels good. It’s like a dream. First he gets Sunny back, then Hero, and then even Aubrey. Falling asleep in Basil’s house that last night is the first time Kel sleeps soundly. Everything is going to be okay now, he’s sure of it. 

Then he wakes up in the middle of the night. 

He hears someone crying. His heart drops. He moves out of the living room and sees Aubrey collapsed on the floor and Hero standing in the doorway of Basil’s room. Kel peeks around him. 

Basil is dead in his room. Kel looked inside, and he had to go into the bathroom and throw up afterward. That night is long, but the morning is worse. Kel and Hero walk back home together, and as they round the corner to their house, they see a familiar sight

Ambulances and police cars surround the house next to theirs. When Mari died they created a blue and red halo around the house. The same halo is around it now. Hero goes to talk to one of the officers milling about, but Kel goes into the house. He doesn’t need any confirmation to know Sunny killed himself. Of course Sunny killed himself. 

After that any part of Kel that still had hope is permanently snuffed out.

[hyucksong]

gazing.| lee donghyuck

summary: Haechan can’t stop himself from staring at you every week. And, he feels comfortable living in his anonymity -- but he doesn’t know that you feel the exact same way. 

warning: Your heart might melt from the uwu,,,sorry bout it 

word count: 2.4 K

   Your hair was pulled back messily with a scrunchie, which was complimented with the iced coffee you had condensating in your hand. The eye-bags under your dead eyes were proof of your hard-work, and you genuinely didn’t care that you looked like the living dead, since you were getting the results you were clearly working so hard for.

   Your hunched over figure was covered with leggings and a thick hoodie, which kept you warm against the harsh winters. Your over-sized jean jacket was an extra layer of protection, as was your fuzzy socks and white high-top converse. 

   Haechan couldn’t contain his staring even if he tried, he simply couldn’t let you leave his sight. He needed to get your name, your number the school you went to -- something, anything. 

   “Dude, why’re you letting your mouth hang open like that, you’re getting your drool everywhere.” Jisung snarkily commented, laughing with Chenle afterwards at the elder’s lack of reaction.

   “He’s too busy looking at the love of his life, AKA his twin.” Jaemin smirked, commenting on the fact that you were also staring at the menu at the cafe with an open mouth. “She’s really into catching flies.” Renjun added, shaking his head at Haechan and his continued unbothered staring. “Can’t wait for her to file a restraining order against him.” At this, Haechan snapped out of his trance and whipped his head towards Jeno with wide, shocked eyes.

   “You think she’ll actually do that?” Which prompted all the boys to erupt into a flurry of loud laughter. While Haechan looked at the boys in genuine concern, he didn’t notice your tired gaze glance at his table.

   ‘Oh, it’s them again.’ You nonchalantly thought, feeling a strange comfort come over you as the familiar table entered your gaze once again, like every week. 

   Every week, on the same day, same hour, same minute, you’d come into the cafe to order a drink and brunch snack. You had such a set schedule, that the people behind the counter would usually have the drink already prepared for you and would simply wait to get whatever snack you waned, since it was the only thing that actually changed. You’d always come back the next day, but it wasn’t to get a drink, only to study. You were a broke college student, after all. 

   And every week, on Tuesday, at eleven AM, minute three, you’d see the table of boys with their college books sprawled out on the table, presumably studying. And even with your glasses-concealed eyes, you could see how undeniably attractive those boys were.

   Mainly one tanned boy who was wiping off the drool on his mouth. You chuckled and payed for your food and drink before taking your sustenance and sitting at a table facing the so-called tann boy with luscious brown hair. You sat on the edge of your seat so you could look up and glance at him every once in a while as you made notes for your Astrophysics class.

   After about two hours, sudden movement caught your eye. You glance up briefly to see the boys standing up and gathering their books and shoving them in their bags, muttering something about being late to their lectures.

   You smiled and rested your eyes on the beautiful boy, not expecting him to already be looking at you. Your eyes widened in shock, and the moving pen in your hand stopped abruptly as his mesmerizing eyes filled your vision. He seemed to act the same way, his hands stopping their ministrations as you both continued to stare openly at each other. Embarrassed, you offered a small shy smile, and put your head down to continue writing, but you couldn’t ignore your shaking hands. 

   Haechan’s heart was beating at what he expected to be thousands of miles a minute, and was only knocked out of his dazed state by Chenle who let out a high pitched knowing laugh directly in his ear. The sudden pain forced his hands to start moving again, and he quickly retrieved his belongings before walking briskly out the door with his teasing friends. 

-

  The next day, you arrived late. You had slept past your alarm close to four times before you flipped out of bed onto your cold hard wooded floor. There was nothing you had to go to, you didn’t have class that day or anything close to plans. But you always wanted to get to the cafe before rush hour, because if you didn’t -- there’d be no space for you to sit.

   And alas, you were right.

   You let out an annoyed sigh as every seat in the cafe was filled. As much as you didn’t want to, you knew that you’d have to ask to share a seat with some poor, unsuspecting patron. Without thinking about your disheveled appearance, you automatically turned towards the back of the shop to find a seat with someone. 

   Someone wearing a blue-green flannel shirt caught your eye, and you immediately made your way towards them. It was only one person, and their hair seemed to be just as messy as yours, which comforted you along with the sight of their broad back stretching out the flannel sightly. Your hand gripped your messenger bag tightly, and you had to repeatedly remind yourself to be calm and kind as you stopped in front of their seat.

   “Excuse me --” You started, however your sentence was stopped short by your own self as the mouth you owned seemingly stopped working, just like the familiar face looking up at you.

   The boy from yesterday was staring up at you, his hair frizzy and eye-bags prominent against his smooth tan skin. His eyes were boring into yours once again, and neither of you spoke for a few grueling seconds.

   “Oh, uh -- yes?” The boy stuttered out, straightening out his posture and fiddling with the corner on his scribble-filled notebook. You felt your open mouth twitch at the sound of his unique voice.

   It sounded like it should be annoying to you, like it should make you wanna tear out your hair -- but it comforted you in ways you never thought possible. It sounded like it belonged in your memories -- like it was meant to always be heard by you.

   You smiled and ran your hand through your ponytail, blushing a fiery red. “Uh, I was wondering if you’d let me sit with you? There -- there’s no other seats.” You gestured out towards the open cafe, but the boy accepted your request right away, not bothering to look out into the bustling building. With red ears, you muttered a reserved ‘thank you’ before you sat down across from the now silent boy.

   After a minute of complete silence, only littered with the rustle of your clothes as you went through your bag searching and pulling out the things you needed to study, did the attractive tanned hunk speak.

   “So, uh, what college do you go to?” You let out a little jolt before you looked up, your brows raised. With a small laugh, you continued to pull things out of your bag. “What makes you think I’m in college?” Were you in college? Yes. Do you know why you said that? No.

   “Well, I figured you were in college since you come in the coffee shop almost every other day, mid-day -- so unless I’m talking to a delinquent who skips class everyday, I assume your a college student?” You looked back at the now smirking boy. You eyes traveled from his smirk to how his head rested sassily on his left hand, his right hand fingering the corners of his notebook, still. 

   With a huff, you got out your pencil bag and tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “I go to the only college within the radius of this coffee shop,” You glanced at his open pencil case, unfolding the bent opening to see a name messily scribbled onto it, “ Donghyuck.” You finished, smiling at how stiff his hand went when he saw you touch one of his things. Unbeknownst to you, he merely stiffened at the sudden closeness of you hand to his own.

   “Good point.” Was all he said, and he went back to writing down notes. You smiled and shook your head affectionately and opened your notebook to reveal your insanely neat notes, that were filled with keys and math equations. Donghyuck, out of pure curiosity, glanced up at your notes, and what he saw shocked him, since his notes were no where near the level of organized yours were. 

   “Woah, what the hell type of major are you in?” Donghyuck commented, gaping at the complicated different language you were concentrating on. You shrugged and answered, “It’s just math. Physics, to be specific. Astrophysics, to be even more specific.” Donghyuck nodded his head loosely. Out of curiosity, you decided to find out more about him.

   “What about you? What do you major in, assuming you go to my college.”

   “Oh, I major in Piano Performance. I’m minoring in Dance.” You nod, impressed. “That’s cool. I could never major in something with performing in it, I have stage fright.” Donghyuck smiled and shook his head, “It’s not that bad. I like the attention.” 

   “I figured, you seem like someone who commands attention, if anything. You and your friends always get my attention every week, you guys can never stay quiet for more than three seconds.” 

   He turned red, leaning forward in his seat. “You can hear us? Every week?” You nodded and laughed, “Yeah, but I don’t mind. It’s comforting. It’s apart of my routine, even.” 

   This time the boy turned red, shifting in his seat shyly. You stuck out your hand, expecting him to take it. “The name’s Y/N. L/N Y/N. Nice to meet you, Donghyuck.”

   The boy smiled and took your hand in his, and you felt your heart rate speed up from the warmth of your own small hands being enveloped in his large ones. “Please, call me Haechan.” 

   Hours passed with little studying being done, instead you both used your time by talking and laughing at each other’s lame jokes. Even when the shop cleared out, and the seats became available, you stayed across from him. The sun set slowly, sinking in the horizon as it bathed the land in orange and red hues, casting a color show through the window you both sat in front of.

   “How the hell do you do it?” Haechan exasperatedly questioned after hearing that your minor in Anthropology took up your most of your free time. You giggled in response. “You ask me how I do it, but how about you? My body would give out on me if I danced that much. The video was really cool by the way. All your friends are so good at dancing. They’re pretty cool.”

   “Oh, please -- they’re not as cool as me.” He retaliated, flipping his nonexistent hair behind his shoulder. You nodded and bit your lip, “Yeah, your right.” The words were unexpected from you, so he felt himself go red again for the hundredth time that day. 

   “God, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much, I’m not used to it.” You commented again, squishing your face between your hands to massage your facial muscles. Haechan, without thinking, cooed and kissed his fingers before placing them softly on your cheeks. He then squished your face and made baby sounds.

   Now it was your time to turn red, as you didn’t move in his hands. Your sudden stillness brought Haechan back to reality, and he automatically let go of your face, muttering a small ‘sorry’.

   “I-It’s okay. Um,” You looked out the window to see the run sinking further and further down into the horizon, “I should really get going, though.” Haechan nodded and put his things in his bag, mimicking your actions.

   You both stood up at the same time, and waved at the waiters and waitresses before you walked out of the shop. For a few seconds, you both stood off the side of the entrance of the cafe, not really talking to each other, but both wanted to say something.

   “So, this means bye, right?” Haechan piped up, running a ran through his slightly tangled locks. You nodded with your lips in a tight line, not wanted to stop talking with the boy, but not having the courage to initiate anything.

   “Well, I’ll see you next week with the rest of the boys, probably. But, uh, if you ever want to hang out again like we did today, I’m always here by myself on Wednesdays.” He turned away from you, stiffly walking away. It was almost like he didn’t want to leave. 

   Maybe it was coffee (that you didn’t drink), or maybe it was the courage of having him touch you, or maybe even the way it seemed to you that he didn’t want to leave; but you called out to him after he took a few steps away from you.

   He turned around, confused. “Yeah?”

   “Uh, here.” You rushed out, rummaging through your bag to find a piece of paper to rip off. After you found a piece of blank paper, you scribbled your number on it, and handed it to the surprised boy. “Uh? Mine?” He asked, confused. You nodded. “Yeah, it’s for you. Text me sometime. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see you again. I’d love to see one of your recitals. Also, uh...I’d like to go on a date sometime.” Haechan could barely believe his ears. His long time crush asking him on a date? Holy hell.

   “Uh, yeah,” He started, a smile breaking onto his features. “Yeah, I’ll definitely be using this.” He clenched the number in his hand and looked up at you with stars in his eyes. He quickly walked close to you and pressed his lips to your cheek. When he parted, he felt his heart do flips at the redness of your face. Nodding in satisfaction, he turned around and waved behind him.

   “I’ll text you tonight! Don’t leave me on read! And oh,” Haechan stopped again, glancing back at you cheekily, “Get used to the pain from smiling, sweetheart.”

   You were pretty sure you stayed in that spot for a few minutes after he disappeared from you sight, only moving when one of the waiters walked out of the store with an apron in his hand. He touched your shoulder gently before muttering a ‘finally’ under his breath as he walked away.

   Holy hell. 

[kyndaris]

The Seed of an Idea

This is a story that I would have very much liked to have become a video game. If only I had the ability to code and create logic algorithms and also had artistic skills. Alas, I fear that without the aid of others, The Monsters Beneath Our Beds must remain a narrative rattling inside my head.

By the time this post is scheduled to go up, most of the story of the story will already be up on my FictionPress or thereabouts. It was only intended to be quite short: a children’s chapter book at best. 

https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3350488/1/The-Monsters-Beneath-Our-Beds

And just to tantalise my blog readers, here’s a brief excerpt to enjoy.

The Monsters Beneath Our Beds

i. Explanations

Everyone knows that when the sun goes down, the veil between worlds is thinned. With the darkness serving as their cover, the monsters come crawling. From beneath our beds to stepping out of closet doors. By breaching into our world, they changed familiar objects into horrible things from our worst nightmares. A tree branch becomes a hand, reaching out to grab you. The cat next door turns into a ferocious tiger.

It’s scary and frightening.

But worse of all is the fact that the monsters love the taste of naughty children. The ones that don’t listen. The ones that refused to do their homework and are always in front of the TV playing silly video games like The Legend of Zelda. At least, that’s what mum always said.

The only way not to get eaten is to have a night light plugged in and ensure that no hands or feet are dangling over the side of the bed.

Tucked tightly under the covers, I kept my eyes screwed shut with the pillow covering my ears. The monsters always came just before I managed to fall asleep. Right when I was on the cusp of the world of dreams. They were big and nasty and they stank a lot, too. More often than not, they would stomp around my room, looking for something to eat. Like dogs, they tried to sniff me out. When they couldn’t, because of my expertise at keeping myself hidden, they would let out a loud roar before they crossed back through the portal underneath my bed. Thwarted, once again.

Unfortunately, Teddy wasn’t so lucky last Tuesday. He fell onto the floor when Mandy curled up next to me that night. Too late, I realised that he was out in the open. Before I could reach out to grab him, the monsters came and spotted him immediately. It took everything that I had not to gasp out in dismay – lest they find me too. And as quick as a flash, they gobbled him up.

No more Teddy.

For two days, I mourned the loss of my friend. He had been a comfort to me when I was younger. Though he might have been a little torn up around the ears and his overalls needed a bit of patching, he was still a dear friend. Mandy understood that. And perhaps because of that, she clung to me closer.

Mandy had been my special friend ever since I was really young. We went everywhere together. To school. To the park. Sometimes even to the local library to do some research for my class projects.

Both mum and dad disapproved. It was strange, they said, that I only ever played with Mandy. In their minds, it simply wasn’t right.

“Evelyn, dear, you need to stop playing make believe,” dad had said one time, pulling me aside just before school began. “I know Mandy is important to you. I can see that she makes you happy. But you need some real friends. What about Piper over there? Or the twins? Why don’t you try talking to them and see how everything pans out? Please, Evelyn. For me.”

Torn between wanting to please my parents and scared that I would only get hurt, I agreed to reach out on the first day of school. But Piper had never liked me. Not even when we were in pre-school together. And the twins – Gertrude and Belladonna – were quick to turn up their noses when I tried to introduce them to Teddy and Mandy.

By lunch time, I was sitting in a corner of the library, munching on my soggy sandwich. Mandy, the only one beside me.

In the end, there wasn’t much mum or dad could do. I know that they worried about me, but I never felt lonely with just Mandy and Teddy by my side. In my first year of proper school, mum introduced me to Jester. She was a tiny rabbit doll with a silly hat and a patchwork outfit. And after some persuading from Mandy, I even befriended Nemean, our next-door neighbour’s Pomeranian.

Every afternoon, after I’d finished my homework, Mandy, Teddy and Jester and I would have a picnic and tea in the garden. Sometimes Nemean would join us, but he’d often steal the snacks I had painfully collected instead of sharing it with the rest of us. One time I gave him a smart rap on the nose for being mean and being greedy. That was a mistake. If it hadn’t been for Mandy, Nemean would have bitten me. Hard. Dad would never have allowed me outside if that had happened.

But maybe if I had some ‘proper’ friends, everything would still be all right. If I had only been the good girl that mum and dad had wanted, the monsters wouldn’t have taken them away in order to punish me.

Why else would mum have told me to hide when there were noises downstairs? And why didn’t mum look for me afterwards?

Hiding in my room, I was shaken by the frightening sirens and loud roars. As time dribbled past, I knew that mum and dad had been taken. I wanted to crawl back out from the covers. But to do so meant putting myself in harm’s way. The monsters would take me next.

Fear paralysed me. I couldn’t move.

I was so scared that when my grandma finally found me in the morning, the bedsheets were wet. Grandma didn’t say much as she drew me into her arms. Except only that she had received a call around midnight. And she had come as soon as possible. I could just imagine her leaping out of bed like the heroine from one of the old western movies I used to watch, clambering on a horse and galloping down to our house that was twenty minutes away by car.

It’s been hours since then. Grandma said it was nearly dinner time. But there’s been no sign of mum or dad. Grandma was on the phone for most of the day and she had me bundled up in blankets and seated on the couch, a cup of warm cocoa in my hands.

I took a sip, feeling the warmth of the cocoa spread through me. Even with Jester and Mandy seated beside me, I still felt completely alone. Mum and dad were gone. The monsters had taken them. Yet none of the adults believed me when I told them that the monsters had done it.

If none of the adults were going to do what was needed, then I had to. I set the cup down on the coffee table and rose to my feet.

[nekkid-karli]

My week

Over our 19+ years of marriage, our desires, tastes, and interests have morphed many times.  There were times that we were out at swingers parties or meeting new couples literally every night of the week.  There were times that we just wanted to make love to each other after quiet family evenings. Lately, we’re having a lot of fun dating other people.  Separately. We tell each other everything, and after some particularly steamy dates, we end up talking dirty about it in bed… but if I’m being completely honest about it, I mostly like it for me.  Not for us as a couple, not to turn S on… but just because it’s a ton of fun and it makes me feel good. When S goes out and comes home with stories and panties his date sent along as a souvenir, I’m genuinely pleased for him.  We agree that we have a very happy marriage, a great sex life, and there is nobody in the world we would rather have as our life partner and primary lover. S just feels like my home, my comfort zone, my perfect other half. …But that doesn’t mean we only rely on one another for our fun.

Anyway, last week was a busy one. Want to hear all the dirty details?  

MONDAY

Monday night I had a date with E, a divorced guy a few years older than me.  We had seen each other a couple of times before, and always had a GREAT time.  (The previous date, he took me to a Halloween party at a club, we took some mind-altering substances, danced for 7 hours straight, and stayed up until mid-morning fucking.  It was the most fun I’d had in ages!) So Monday we went to dinner and spent hours singing at a really fun gay piano bar. Towards the end of the night, we were both mildly drunk and very horny, and I couldn’t help but start things in the cab back to the hotel he had booked for the night.  (Which happens to be the same hotel a different date had taken me the week prior… but there was no reason to mention that to E.) I don’t know if the cab driver knew I wasn’t just resting my head on E’s lap, but I didn’t care too much.  

By the time we got into the room, (that elevator to the top floor took FOREVER!!!,) our clothes were already half off.  Once we managed to tear the other half off our bodies, E pushed me on the bed and dove between my legs, face first. I loved the feel of his beard on my skin and his tongue making circles on my clit.  I held my pussy lips apart so his mouth could have better access. I could feel my wetness soaking his beard, and we were both loving it. I was so turned on and he was so skilled that it probably took me no more than a couple of minutes to cum. Incredible as it felt, I was BEGGING him to stop and come up and fuck me; I NEEDED to feel him inside me.  When I really couldn’t wait any longer, I pushed him off, made him flip on his back, and sat on his cock. I was soaking wet and riding him like my life depended on it. I clearly remember reaching back to play with his balls and feeling my pussy juices dripping down his sack.  

This all went on for probably hours before we finally decided that we need at least a nap before I had to get home for morning kid duties… Another night with E with only an hour of sleep.  He has really set a high bar for our dates. I’m not sure how he’ll be able to keep this going, but I’m enthusiastically looking forward to finding out.

TUESDAY

After making the lunches, taking care of school drop off, and a loooong nap, I met up with a new friend to go on a hike.  This was someone who contacted me about a week prior through an online hiking group of which we’re both a part, and we chatted enough that I felt safe.  Nonetheless, I sent S all of this guy’s info and pics, and shared my location… I guess so they can at least recover my cell phone when I go missing. This was really supposed to just be an innocent hike.  He knew I’m happily married, and I strategically left out the part about the marriage being open.  

You obviously know I wouldn’t be writing about this if all that came out of it is nice fall foliage photos.  This guy was cute and I was still in a flirty mood from E, so I was probably more touchy than I needed to be.  I know just the moment that he realized that I may just be down for some fun. He was taking a selfie in front of me, and I jumped into the shot with one arm around his chest and the other nonchalantly resting on his ass.  And then less nonchalantly squeezing. After that, there was a small barrage of questions. “Does your husband know you’re here with me?” “Is he okay with that?” “Do you have an open relationship or something?” “Yes. Yes. …Yes.”  Before long, we were making out and groping each other as the sunset over the lake. It was almost romantic. (Almost.) We did have to get back to the cars before it got dark, so we postponed any further face suckage til the parking lot.  

Once we hit the parking lot, it was ON.  Hardcore making out with hands down each other’s pants. He tried to convince me to come to his place… he even tried to tempt me with homemade stuffed cabbage… but I was just way too tired. Conveniently, this guy drives a van.  No stuffed cabbage there, but I figured it was just as good a place to get stuffed.

Before long, we’re in the long middle seat, him sitting with only one pant leg half on him, me topless bending over him, his hand on the back of my head, and his cock deep in my throat. After a while, I asked if he has a condom. His response? “I haven’t used those in years!"  What??? "Come on. Condoms are out of style.” WHAT?!?!?! “Let me just put it in for a second. Just once.” Not a chance.

So that was the end of that. Sigh. At least I got great fall foliage photos. Moving on.

WEDNESDAY

Wednesday night, I had a date scheduled with O.  We met on Tinder and had our first date the prior week.  He’s a divorced dad from Europe, a few years older than me, intelligent, attractive, and has a killer accent.  O and I weren’t supposed to meet until later in the evening, so I decided to grab a drink with a guy I used to fuck around with a decade back, D, with whom I recently reconnected.

Back in the day, D and I had some fun together, sometimes with extra characters making an appearance. Recently, however, it was just exchanging stories of our escapades via text, a picture exchange or two, and one instance of a pretty platonic happy hour.  I must say, there is something about D that really gets me going. It’s more than just his ridiculous body or killer smile or mischievous eyes. He’s just walking, talking sex. We met for drinks, and my panties were wet before I even had a sip of my cocktail.  (In fact, when I was getting dressed, I thought about going commando, but knowing the effect D has on me, I didn’t want to show up to my date with O with a wet patch on my skirt.) At one point, I went to the bathroom and sent D a picture of how wet he had made me.  Alas, that was the extent of it with D that night. Second platonic-ish happy hour, and off I went to meet O.

After dinner, back in the hotel, things were getting goooood.  I love the way O kisses; love his hands all over my body and in my hair. It was not hard and urgent; it was erotic and sensual. Passionate. There’s so much eye contact - I could feel him watching my face as he pushes all the way inside me, stretching me with every thrust. Maybe it’s because he watches the reactions and expressions of his lovers that he’s so good at eating pussy.  His finger on my g spot; tongue on my clit; every time, he has me breathless and moaning, wanting it never to end.

O and I met in the hotel he got for the night. I was so horny thanks to D that I didn’t let O take me to dinner until he fucked me for a bit. It wasn’t long - he said he didn’t want to cum until later - but it was enough to satisfy me for now. At least I’d be able to concentrate enough to have normal dinner conversation.  

We recorded some videos that night. There’s one where the camera really only captured us shoulders and up as I’m riding him.  Surprisingly, that’s the best video of the night. Just from watching our faces, you can tell every time he’s deep inside me. You can tell when he’s teasing me and not letting me come all the way down on his dick. If you can imagine two bodies writhing together, that’s exactly what it’s like. Not my usual kind of sex, but with him it just really works. Even in the middle of the night when we were done, I could still feel his lips on mine.

I’m the morning, O had to leave early for work and left me sleeping. In this big empty hotel room. All by myself. With still many hours left before check out. What a waste of a room.

THURSDAY

So I texted D. “Wyd?” “Coming over.” Perfect.

While I waited, I set up my camera and took lots of photos in my lingerie and heels. Because, you know, maximum room usage. Plus I needed to pass the time SOMEHOW.

I was really excited about getting it on with D.  He showed up looking hotter than ever and acting all dommy.  “Get on your knees.” “Lick my balls.” “You like me fucking your face?  I can’t hear you.”

I’m not usually a squirter, but he had me soaking the bed repeatedly.  He was fucking me from every possible angle and I couldn’t get enough. It was like he had a spell on me - I would have done anything he wanted.  And I did. I did everything he told me to do. “What do you say when I make you cum? That’s right. You thank me.” “Thank you.” “Thank you.” “Thank you.” “Thank you."

Eventually, I HAD to have his cum in my mouth. I NEEDED to taste it. Condom off; cock as deep as it could go. I caught myself moaning with pleasure every time he hit the back of my throat. When D's cum filled my mouth, I took an extra beat to taste it before swallowing. Hot and delicious and just the reward I wanted at the end of my morning. "What do you say?" 

"Thank you."

[mearcatsreturns]

Hope for Dummies, chapter 2

There's not a guidebook to hope, but they could sure use one.

Abby’s and Luka’s feelings deepen, even as the reality of being a med student and attending physician starts to sink in. 

Look, I should just accept who I am as a person, and know that it's 50/50 that a one-shot will stay that. @somekindofflowergirl did egg me on, but really, I didn't want to leave this 'verse just yet. I'm planning for 4 chapters now, sigh.

Also, I'm not a medical professional, so please excuse any errors you find in that regard.

Also on ao3. Over 5k words this chapter.

Ch. 2

Luka ends up staying in the hospital a few more days than he’d like. Of course, anything more than overnight qualifies, but his pleas to leave are met with emphatic no’s from all the doctors who see him, especially when they find out he sold his bed and was planning on sleeping on his couch.

Finally, Abby offers to let him sleep at her place until he’s well enough to buy a new bed for his apartment. “Besides, I’m a nurse and can check on him to make sure he’s following doctors’ orders,” she tells his ICU doctor and Kerry.

Both of them judiciously ignore Kerry’s eyerolls. They cannot, however, keep from blushing when he’s okayed to leave, on the condition that they “keep...activities...to a minimum” while he heals.

She still has work, so it’s not like she’s waiting on him as his own personal nurse or anything, though the mental image of that does make his eyes glaze over in a way that has nothing to do with illness.

She drives him back to her apartment and helps him up the stairs, which does manage to quench his ardor. In fact, by the time she assists him into her bed—a place he’s dreamt of being again for the last two years—he’s so tuckered out that he falls asleep immediately.

When he wakes up and wanders out, she’s in the living room watching television, and he startles her with his quiet, “Hey.”

“Shit! You’re awake!”

“Slept a whole lot, but I think I’m hungry now. And besides, you need to go to bed soon too, don’t you?”

“Luka, I was planning on sleeping on the couch. You don’t fit, and you’re healing.”

He sighs. “But you need your rest. You’re working a lot and need to sleep better.”

“I’ll be fine. I’m just trying to take more shifts before I start med school again so I’ll be a little better off financially,” she says.

“Abby…”

After a couple moments, Abby throws her hands up in concession. “Fine, but I’m not kicking you out. For the little bit that we’re both here, we can share. Unless...you hate that idea.”

Luka really didn’t have words for how much he opposite-of-hates the idea, even if his vision of sharing a bed was very different. “No, I just—I take up a lot of space, and I still get feverish sometimes.”

“Hopefully the fevers will subside soon. And I know how much space you take up, it’s fine,” she says, cheeks his new favorite shade of red.

He smiles. “I’ll try not to be all over you. And it’s just until I get a new bed.”

Looking very much like she’s about to protest, she eventually just says, “I have next Tuesday off, and I can take you shopping for a bed if you’re feeling up to it.”

“That will be nice.”

“Okay. Oh, and there’s some chicken noodle soup from the deli in the fridge for you.”

“Okay.”

&&&

He is feeling better on Tuesday, so they head out mid-morning to a mattress store. It’s simultaneously torture and bliss sharing Abby’s bed, but he really is doing far too well to do so without it being a flimsy and transparent excuse at this point. She’s just as ornery in the mornings as he remembers, but the soft warmth of her nestled up to him in slumber is so comfortable. And it occasionally also makes for uncomfortable moments while he tries to will away his body’s reactions to her nearness.

So yes, it’s time for him to buy a bed and go back to his apartment, though he doesn’t really want to be away from her again.

As soon as they go into the retailer, a salesperson comes up to them. “Looking for a new bed for you two, Mr. and Mrs…?”

Luka can feel the color heating his cheeks, and Abby undoubtedly matches. “Oh, ah, we’re not married.”

“Well, that’s certainly not a problem for us,” the salesman says with a wink.

He glances over at Abby, breathing a sigh of relief at how obviously torn she is between mortification and amusement. She leans into amusement. “Well, show us your king-size beds. I mean, look at this giant.”

With a knowing smirk at them, the salesman leads them to that section of the store, Luka just shaking his head all the while.

Eventually, Luka settles on one that’s firm enough for his taste, but Abby still sighs happily when she sinks down into it. A few blocks away, he manages to find a bedroom set he likes and some bedding. While she doesn’t weigh in much, he does try to pick things that she doesn’t grimace at (she did not care for the black leather headboard he’d been eyeing briefly, alas).

By then he’s tired, and they go back to her place for one last evening together like this. His new furniture is to be delivered the next day while she’s at work, though she promises to come over when she’s off to make sure he gets settled in and isn’t overdoing it.

Back at her place, they change into their pajamas and settle onto the couch to watch TV before going to sleep. Luka aches at the simple domesticity of it, and for a moment, he wishes he didn’t have to leave, or that there were some loophole for them to pursue this right now.

Instead, as they climb into the bed that night, he just says, “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me stay here, and for looking out for me so that I didn’t have to stay at the hospital.”

She reaches out and squeezes his bicep as she gets comfortable beside him. “It’s no trouble, Luka. Consider it my way of trying to pay you back for letting me stay with you for two months.”

“Mmm, you don’t owe me a debt or anything. Besides, you didn’t sleep in my bed back then,” he says, taking her hand in his.

“I think...that would have gone very differently.”

He laughs. “Yeah, probably.” There are a million things he wants to say, but now isn’t the time so instead, he just sighs, adding, “Good night, Abby.”

“‘Night, Luka.”

&&&

Due to a scheduling snafu, it’s a couple days after he’s moved back into his place before Abby can come over to see how he’s getting settled in again.

She arrives at nearly ten, and after he shows her how his new furniture is set up, they go for a walk. It’s a nice late summer night, they’re young-ish, and it shouldn’t be wasted.

They end up walking near the lake along the same path they took on their first date, and Luka laughs, pointing this out to Abby as they sit at one of the benches.

Her mouth quirks upward. “Well, I kept an eye on the shadows. No muggers tonight.”

Snorting, he changes the subject. “You start med school again tomorrow. Excited?”

“Yeah, it should be good. I’m doing a surgical rotation, so I won’t be in the ER as much, unfortunately. When do you start back at work?”

“Next week. I wanted to go in sooner, but Kerry wants me to take it slow at first. Why surgery?”

“Oh, I promise I’m not defecting to become a surgeon. I just think it’s really useful if you’re an ER doctor,” she says.

He nods. “It is. Though I’m glad you’re not wanting to be a surgeon. You’re not arrogant enough.”

“Do you think I could get there with some practice, though?”

“No, it seems like a skill they’re born with.”

She giggles, and he beams, glowing at having amused her. “Oh, the new nurse who’s taking over for me started today.”

“Yeah?”

“She seems okay. She’s a single mom, so...all the respect, but she’s kind of intense.”

“And she’s the nurse manager?”

“Nah, I think they’re making Connie do that for now, but they just needed someone else since I am abandoning nursing.”

“I’m sure she’ll get used to it, but no one can compare to you,” Luka says loyally.

Abby huffs. “That’s very sweet of you to say, but honestly, I hated being nurse manager. I’d rather just be with the patients.”

“I understand. I know I could maybe have bigger prospects if I wanted to do something in administration like Kerry, but…”

“Yeah.”

The bask in the relative calm of the evening, staring out at the water. Finally, Luka breaks the comfortable silence. “So, nervous?”

“Yes and no. It’ll be weird to start med school again after three years. I won’t know any of the other students anymore, and in some ways, the approach to medicine between nursing and doctoring is completely different. But, you know, I’ve done it before, and the faces will be familiar.”

“I’m so sorry,” he says with a grin.

“Oh, shut up. Some of those faces are very nice,” she says, lightly punching his arm.

“Hmm, I wonder who you can be thinking of.”

“Susan, obviously.”

“I never knew you felt that way about her.”

“I would have said something sooner, but you know how it is. She and Chuck are actually still seeing each other, by the way.”

“Her ex-husband, the flight nurse?” Luka asks, glad the streetlights aren’t bright enough to show how he’s blushing. Catching Susan and Chuck together always reminds him of when Susan caught him, which now just makes him think of someone catching him and Abby...he shakes his head before he can get too distracted.

“Yep. I don’t know how serious they are, but that’s a thing.” Abby shrugs as if to say she doesn’t get it.

“Hmm. Well, you’ll have to tell me all the gossips at the hospital. You know I don’t know anything unless people tell me.”

She smiles, scooching closer to him to bump his thigh with her knee. “Of course. I’ll tell you all about the new med students and residents so you’ll be prepared.”

“Shit, is Romano still the acting Chief of the ER?”

Abby groans. “Unfortunately.”

“Ugh.”

“On the bright side, he probably won’t be for long. I’m taking bets for who murders him first.”

They exchange a look before saying in unison, “Kerry!” He can’t help laughing, and soon she joins in.

&&&

Abby’s kind of glad Luka isn’t there for her first week back in med school. It goes well enough, but it’s a little bit of a struggle adjusting to all being new (again) and yet not. She’s up in surgery, so working with Elizabeth is a nice change of pace.

Elizabeth is finally starting to dip her toes back into the dating world, which, good for her. Abby’s glad to see her moving on, even if she still seems hesitant. Then again, Abby can’t imagine losing someone like that she loved, had committed her life to. If Luka hadn’t come back from Africa, if his malaria had been worse...and they weren’t even dating. She pushes it out of her mind, unwilling to dwell on the ramifications of that when she has patients to see.

Luka is coming back today. Well, he’s already back, Abby just needs a reason to head on down to the ER to say hello. She hasn’t seen him since their walk the previous week, but they’ve talked on the phone a couple of times. She’s filled him in on the other two med students she sees a lot, Neela and Lester. Neither of them are exactly outgoing or social, but maybe she’ll warm up to them.

“Abby, I have to do this emergency appendectomy, but the ER is calling for a surgical consult. Do you think you could head down?” Elizabeth asks apologetically.

Jumping at the opportunity, Abby tries to respond as casually as she can, “Sure. Absolutely. Who needs the consult?”

“Dr. Kovač, I believe. There’s a trauma with a penetrating knife wound.”

“Okay, I’ll head down.”

“And Abby? Say hello to Luka for me,” Elizabeth says, visibly holding in a laugh at Abby’s excitement.

Abby’s face burns, but she hurries to the elevator nonetheless.

She heads over to Trauma 2 as quickly as she can, smiling at the sight of Luka showing Pratt and Lester one of his techniques for maintaining a patient’s status when the severity of the injury is still unknown while Sam keeps an eye on the patient’s vitals. “Hey, I heard someone needed a surgical consult?”

Luka’s face lights up at the sight of her. “Yes, that’s us. Nice to see you down here.”

“Thanks. What have we got?”

“Penetrating wound to the lower abdomen, but we need to know if the metal missed the organs or if he’ll need surgery.”

“Is this an assault case? I heard it was a knife.”

“Accidental and not a knife, actually, but his work foreman removed the metal when he panicked?”

“Okay, well let me take a look,” she says, pulling on a pair of gloves, still smiling at Luka.

“And Abby?”

“Yeah?”

“The white coat looks good on you.”

&&&

They all start to get back into the swing of things. Whenever Abby’s and Luka’s shifts intersect or overlap, they get in the habit of going for coffee together at the Jumbo Mart or at the Roach Coach before shifts start or during breaks. Abby wonders if Luka gets nearly as many knowing looks as she does, or if he simply doesn’t notice. Maybe he’s just better at ignoring them.

“When are you coming back down from surgery? We miss you,” he says, putting on his best puppy dog look. They’re sitting at the dinky little table in the lounge with their styrofoam cups of steaming coffee.

That face should be illegal, she thinks. “I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder.”

“Well, I’m plenty fond already. When are you done with your rotation?”

“Um...a couple weeks, at the beginning of October. I still have a couple more six-week non-ER rotations to go, though, and I’m not sure if I want to leave them to the end.”

“You should leave them for the end.”

“I should?” She’s uncertain. While he wouldn’t lead her astray as a doctor, she needs to make sure his reasons are...professional.

“Yes. Next year, you’ll be in the ER all the time. For the rest of your life you might be. So save them for the new year, and enjoy the little break before the ER takes you back.” Luka’s unflagging confidence in her as a doctor, as always, warms her.

She smiles at him. “That makes sense. I’m thinking...NICU and Psych? My experience in OB could help, and god knows I’ve been around Psych enough.”

“Those sound good,” he says with a smile, before he looks away. “Uh, listen, Abby...speaking of absence and fondness…”

Her heart sinks and she just looks at him.

He clears his throat and continues, “Carter and I have, ah, been keeping in touch.”

“Oh, okay?” Is he leaving (her) again?

Luka runs a hand through his hair, and she represses the urge to reach over and straighten it. “He’s started seeing someone. And...he thinks it might be serious.”

“Wow, already?” She’s not hurt, not really. It’s just fast, and she resents that she can’t exactly pursue what she wants with Luka right now. But there’s also relief in knowing that this is the news, not that Luka wants to go back.

“Yeah, apparently they met in Kinshasa after he took me there. I don’t know her, other than what Carter has told me.”

He still sounds nervous, so she reaches over and places her hand over his. “Luka, it’s fine. I’m just glad he got you back safely.”

“You’re not upset?”

“I mean, I’m not thrilled, but Carter and I are done.”

Leaning back in his char, he considers her, though he places his other hand over hers, rubbing her knuckles with his thumb. “I just...I know you lo—cared about him a lot, and you put a lot into your relationship. I didn’t want you to be hurt if you found out from someone else.”

“I did care a lot, and I loved him—as a friend. But we were pretty doomed from the start. He wanted to change me, and I was, I don’t know...looking for stability? It felt like we should work because we were such good friends, so it was hard to admit that we both fell short of each other’s expectations.” Her throat is a little dry at offering up so much, but Luka needs to know.

“He did care about you too, though.”

“I know. But he also had this vision of me that wasn’t—isn't—who I am, and he tried to get us to fit this idea he had of us.” She blows out a breath and takes a gulp of coffee before continuing, staring down at her cup. In for a penny, in for a pound, she decides, continuing, “I kind of mentioned it before—before you went to the Congo, but one of the things I regretted from when you and I were dating is that I let Carter come between us. If I had kept you closer, the same thing would have happened between Carter and me, and I didn’t want that. Not because...not because he mattered more, but I just—I don’t want to be the girl who doesn’t learn from her mistakes. I did so much to make that relationship with him work, Luka, but I don’t think it should be that hard.”

He pulls his hands away from hers and wraps them around his cup, not meeting her eyes. “We tried before and didn’t make it work.”

“I know. But I also don’t think it’s that simple. We didn’t try as hard as we could have, and we just didn’t talk about stuff, and there was so much going on. I cared so much it scared me, but I...I didn’t really know how you felt.”

Luka sets down his cup and reaches for her with both hands, turning her to face him. “I don’t want you to doubt that I care. Ever.”

“Then tell me. Talk to me.”

“I’ll try. But sometimes I’m better at showing,” he says, leaning toward her. His lips are an inch away when the door bursts open, and Susan comes rushing in. They jump apart.

“Hey guys, sorry, but we have multiple GSWs coming in. Luka, I need you out there. And Abby, stick around in case we need a surgical consult.”

Giving each other one last longing look, they follow after Susan.

&&&

Luka wants to bring up that they nearly kissed again, he really does. Or better yet, actually kiss Abby. It just doesn’t happen that day, or the following. Then they’re not scheduled together for a while or are busy with other things for so long that he just about loses his nerve.

Meanwhile, Alex—the son of that new nurse, Sam—starts coming around more, trying to spend time with him. Luka can’t say no to him, no more than he can to any child. Sam doesn’t seem to like it or him, but he doesn’t much care.

Finally, Abby is done with her surgical rotation and comes back to the ER. He comes in one day to find her at the admit desk, going over something on the computer, and he can’t stop the grin from spreading across his face. “It’s a stranger!”

Her brow furrows in confusion before smoothing out, her lips twitching with amusement. “Generally, it’s ‘hey, stranger,’ but sure.”

“Good to have you back.”

“It’s good to be back.”

At that moment, Romano comes by, snapping his fingers at him and Abby. “We don’t pay you to stand around and make time with nurses, Mr. Croatia. Or nurses pretending to be doctors, whatever you are this month, Lockhart. Let’s go, people.”

Luka clenches his jaw, but Abby catches his eye and places her hand on his forearm as they head away from the admit desk.

“Well, Dr. Kovač, can I observe the patient that just came in?” she asks with a roll of her eyes.

“Not only that, but you can place the chest tube,” he says, relaxing at how easily she brushes off Romano’s nasty words.

They get the patient taken care of, then head to lockup to get the meds the woman will need. He lets Abby handle it to make sure she can handle prescriptions. She can, of course, so when she’s about to leave, he reaches for her hand, pulling her back into the small space.

She squeaks as she nearly crashes into his chest. Steadying her, he pulls her closer.

“We got interrupted a couple weeks ago.”

Her eyes drop as a blush spreads across her cheeks, though she doesn’t pull away. “I thought you’d forgotten. It’s been a while.”

“I didn’t forget, I just…”

She looks up at him questioningly. Ah, to hell with words. Luka lowers his head and brushes his lips across hers. He pulls back, raising his eyebrows to see if he’s overstepped. When he sees that her eyes are closed and she just leans into him further, he presses his lips to hers in a far more demanding kiss. She returns it with enthusiasm, and he’s running through his extensive knowledge of the hospital’s layout to think of the closest supply closet when he hears a giggle.

They pull apart and freeze at the sight of Haleh laughing as she walks away from the entrance to lockup. Turning toward each other, they stare helplessly.

Finally, Abby clears her throat. “So, that was…”

“Yeah,” he agrees, letting out a breath.

She hesitates, then says, “Um, maybe we should continue this—this discussion!—later?”

“Sounds like a good idea,” he says, missing her as soon as she walks away to get back to work.

&&&

It doesn’t happen, at least not in the way they intend. It’s the next day when they’re working together that what’s growing between them sputters to a halt.

He’s supervising her when she tells their patient that the procedure that will help him is a simple one, a quick fix with no lasting repercussions. Abby’s heart sinks when he makes a face and asks to speak to her outside the room.

“Abby...it won’t be as simple as that. It looks like he probably retained some infected tissue from his last procedure. Surgery is going to have to operate, and they may even need to amputate.”

She pales. “I—I didn’t realize...it didn’t seem…”

“That’s why it’s important to take a thorough history and not make any promises before you know the full extent of the injury or illness,” Luka says, eyes searching her face.

“I’m sorry. I just thought...nine times out of ten…”

“I know. You’ll learn, Abby. We’ve all had to.” He’s still looking at her as if there’s more he wants to say, but that this is also horrifyingly embarrassing and he doesn’t know how.

She looks down. “Thanks.”

“Now for the hard part.”

Taking a deep breath, she nods. “I have to go in and tell him I was wrong.”

“Yes.”

So Abby goes in, feeling all the while that she’s lost something. She only hopes it’s not Luka’s respect.

&&&

Luka finds Abby in the lounge when her shift is over. She looks so glum and sad, and he knows that what he has to say probably won’t help, and he aches. He just can’t see a way around it.

“Hey,” he says.

She looks up, and her mouth twists in a half-hearted smile. “Hi.”

“Want to get coffee? You can tell me how the rest of the shift went.”

“Sure,” she says. She’s the farthest thing from an idiot, so she obviously knows their conversation will be more than that.

They walk over to the Jumbo Mart and he buys her a coffee. They head out from there, walking aimlessly. He’ll have to go back in, but they need to talk, and he prays with everything in him that he doesn’t mangle things.

“It...it went okay. I sent Mr. Johnson up to surgery, and they’re going to try to go in and remove all the infected tissue before considering amputation. He was upset, but not really with me. Which was worse, somehow,” Abby says when they’re nearing one of the parks.

“It’s hard,” is all he manages for a while. Finally, he clears his throat, toying with the sleeve on his coffee cup. “I...I want nothing more than to kiss you and tell you it’s going to be okay, but I can’t. Kiss you, that is.”

Her face falls, and she turns her head away from him. “Right.”

“Not because I don’t want it, eh? I-I just can’t be your teacher and this. I’m not objective, and it’s not fair to you or the other med students.”

“I know,” she says, letting out a sigh. “It’s for the best, probably. I really did miss you as my friend, Luka. We’ll still have that, right?”

He sets down his coffee cup and reaches over to place his hand on her shoulder. “You can never lose me as a friend. You just, well...even when we weren’t connecting a lot, I always knew I could count on you, even when I didn’t deserve it.”

Her answering smile is bittersweet, and she puts her hand over his. “That’s how I feel too, you know. And there’s no ‘deserving’ in friendship, okay?”

“Okay. Uhh, want a ride home?” He forgets that he has to go back in his desire not to part from her, then decides he’ll make it work if he has to.

“Um, no, but thanks. I need to swing by the store on my way home.”

“Send me a text or page when you get home? It’s late.”

She stands, stepping away from him. She’s still smiling, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Will do.”

Luka watches her until she disappears from sight, then finally turns back to walk to the hospital, his heart heavier than it has been in months.

&&&

They’re doing okay at this friendship thing, Abby thinks with a smile as Luka walks away. It hasn’t been without its awkward moments, but they can still get coffee and talk and joke, and they even went to the movies a few days ago. It works.

It’s Thanksgiving, but that doesn’t mean they get the day off, especially not with Romano on his bitter rampage against happiness and joy. Still, it’s not enough to dampen her spirits. She’s back from her lunch break that she spent reviewing for her boards with Luka’s help. It’s strangely invigorating, having him quiz her, in a way it isn’t when she and Neela try to help each other out.

She’s interrupted in her musing by Sam coming up beside her. Sam follow’s Abby’s gaze to Luka and raises her eyebrows. “So, what’s his story? He’s been spending a lot of time with Alex, and he’s obviously a good guy, but...I have to ask.”

“He’s a wonderful man,” Abby says firmly.

Sam’s look turns speculative. “Is he single? Alex is pushing that hard, and I’ve heard enough that it seems like he might be a good time. I haven’t gotten laid regularly in forever, and I sure wouldn’t mind if he’s willing.”

Abby tries not choke, even as she fights the urge to yell, “Mine!” Luka is her friend, but that’s all they are right now. She has no claim over him, and yeah, he probably misses female companionship, since he sure hasn’t had any that she’s aware of since getting back from the Congo. “Um, you’d have to ask him.”

She didn’t hear her approach, but Chuny comes up behind them. Abby jumps at her loud snort. “He might not be dating anyone, but he sure isn’t single,” Chuny says, giving Abby a blatant once-over.

“I don’t—that’s not—well…” Abby sputters, but can’t think of how to end the sentence without telling them things that are frankly none of their business. She wouldn’t mind telling Chuny, probably, but she hardly knows Sam.

Sam flushes and winces. “Oh, sorry.”

Chuny just smiles at Sam. “Trust me, it’s not worth it when he’s hung up on this one here,” she says, gesturing at Abby, “and has been for like three years.”

With that rather enigmatic interjection that she’ll have to think about later, Chuny leads Sam away, and Abby is left staring, feeling distinctly out of sorts.

And she’d been doing so well.

&&&

After their shift—their crazy shift involving a helicopter crash, explosions, and saving Susan’s ex-husband/boyfriend—is finally over, Luka heads toward the L platform. His heart skips a beat and he lets out a sigh of relief when he sees Abby there, staring blankly at the tracks. “Abby?”

She starts at the sound of her name and shakes her head, “Luka? Are you okay?”

He grins at her. “Boring shift, eh?”

“Piece of cake,” she agrees with a laugh. “But hey, speaking of cake, or pie, I guess, what are you doing here? I thought I overheard Alex and Sam talking about inviting you to dinner. It’s Thanksgiving.”

He slides down next to her on the bench. “It is. And I’m thankful to be here.”

“And...you said no to Sam and her son?”

“I wanted to spend the evening with people who I care about,” he says, bumping her shoulder lightly.

A smile spreads across her face slowly. “Well, I can’t offer you anything but leftovers and freezer meals.”

He doesn’t take his eyes off hers. “I’m okay with that.”

She blushes, but doesn’t look away from the steady heat of his gaze. “Or, uh, we could go somewhere?”

“That works too,” he says, unable to keep from smiling back at her. “In fact, the hotel—the one I used to live at, you remember—I think it serves a Thanksgiving meal.”

“Then what are we waiting for?!” She’s bouncing on her feet, and it’s the cutest thing he’s seen in...well, since this afternoon when he last saw her. “It’ll be faster to walk than take the train.”

“It will be,” he agrees, then offers her his arm.

After a moment’s hesitation, she takes it, and they head back down the stairs. It’s snowing, but it’s the light kind that Luka always enjoys early on in the winter. They’re quiet until Luka says, “Sam told me about a conversation she had with you and Chuny today.”

“Oh yeah?” He smirks at the forced casual tone of her voice.

“Mmhmm. She said Chuny didn’t think I was single, but that you weren’t sure.”

Abby opens her mouth, but looks to be at a loss for what to say. Luka knows the feeling all too well, so he continues, “And I told her that while I might not be dating anyone, I’m only interested in one woman.”

His heart speeds up at her sharp intake of breath. “Oh.”

He puts his gloved hand over her small hand tucked into his elbow. “Yeah. The only reason I’m not pursuing that woman is because I can’t right now. But I probably will in June, unless she doesn’t want me to.”

“She wants you to,” Abby blurts out.

“I don’t mind if you change your mind, okay? But I meant what I said when I got back. I’m fine with waiting for you.”

“Yeah?”

He wants to erase the uncertainty he hears, the uncertainty that he’s partially responsible for. “You’re worth it, Abby.”

They keep walking in silence, then she squeezes his arm. “You are too. Worth the wait.”

He pulls them to a stop. “Really?”

“Yep. We...I’m scared, Luka, but I’ve used fear as an excuse to push you away before, and all it did was hurt us both. I—I want to try. In June, of course.”

“Of course.”

She takes a deep breath. “But what does that mean? Do we just...keep going like we are?”

“I like spending time with you like this, and I’m glad we talked about this. Just if we change our minds we can tell the other person, yeah?”

“Deal,” she says, beaming up at him, and it’s all he can do not to whoop loudly with joy.

He might not be completely successful, if her giggle is anything to go by.

Friends hold hands at dinner, right?

[ana-motion-nua-ba2a]

Tuesday

Woke up at the crack of dusk today - the new neighbours, it seems, are awfully fond of parties, and take care to include on their guest list only the very best. By which I mean rowdiest, not to mention rudest; I’m quite sure there was a couple who were, as they call it these days, canoodling up against my front door.

I would venture that this latest generation appears to have no shame at all.

Having given it thought, I shan’t be stepping outside tonight, as I don’t much fancy fighting my way through the veritable scrum which I’m sure must have congregated in the hallway. This… current living situation is far from ideal, but it at least allows me to go about inconspicuously. Owners of large manor houses are, I find, increasingly scrutinised and derided by the ever-invasive mass media, and one can imagine it would have become rather difficult, to maintain the pretense of merely being the latest in a line of eerily identical ancestors.

Until this latest ordeal passes I do at least have my piano (though I shall be lucky to hear myself play over the noise), and what little of my library I could fit in the removal van, though it almost pains me to read anything, as the cramped little shelves only serve to remind me of the volumes I had to abandon.

Thankfully, too, there are still the remnants of the butcher’s kind offering - and no matter how sinister that may sound, I do mean it sincerely. He seems an amiable sort of chap, doesn’t ask too many questions, and has very reasonable prices; apart from all else, I’d be an utter fool to choose him the next time I fancy more of a delicacy.

… I can’t help but wonder, at this rate, if my neighbours intend to convert as thoroughly as I myself have done to a nocturnal existence.

Saturday

A letter arrived today from dear little Emma, such a lovely surprise! The rabble next door were just as effective an alarm clock as ever, and I left the bedroom fully prepared to be in high dudgeon for the rest of the night, as I am sadly growing accustomed to - but no! There on the doormat, a little white envelope with one of her charming drawings on the front.

It would appear she’s going through a ‘fairy’ phase; I do hope she grows out of it quickly, as those savages are hardly an appropriate subject for her admiration. She is, at least, still too young to know that the real ones are as far from her pastel and glitter fantasies as it’s possible to imagine - her dreams won’t be shattered for a while yet.

I seem to recall that twelve is the traditional age, for descendants to be told. Not a terribly auspicious number, but I suppose it’s more about practicality than theatrics; they need to be able to handle the news that their great-great-great-and-so-forth grandfather is a vampire, without spooking, and without immediately running off to inform their little friends. Personally, I would have set it a year later. Thirteen is so much more appropriate for matters of the occult.

I must say as well, I appreciate that Jennifer made Emma write out a letter, instead of using that dratted electronic-mail. Someone - I forget who, but I imagine one of the newer sons-in-law - bought me a computer a decade or so ago, and I admit that I’ve touched it perhaps twice in the interim. That always seems to be the first order of business when somebody visits, nowadays: a child or grandchild has sent me a message, and hasn’t yet heard back. To which I naturally always reply: Did they indeed, because I don’t recall seeing anything through my postbox?

Perhaps I should raise the point, next time; ask them to include in the initiation a caveat that if the whelps want to contact me, it’s by post or in person, or not at all. Telephone calls were already enough of a stretch, though mercifully none of the youngsters seem to bother with those.

Friday

Today saw a far more welcome disruption to my usual schedule; Jennifer brought Emma by for a visit. I made sure to drink as much as I could of the butcher’s latest supply beforehand, as it’s always preferable to be on one’s best behaviour around relatives, particularly those who don’t know the full story yet. It did, however, remind me just how long it’s been since I had anything that bit fresher - not something to contemplate with descendants in the flat, but since they took their leave I can't help but dwell on the fact.

Darling Emma had brought along her latest drawings to show me, and I think I may say without bias that she’s quite the talented little artist, much like her great-grandmother. I almost told her so, and would have if not for a warning look from Jennifer; I think she’d prefer to keep Emma completely in the dark for as long as possible.

She may have something of a challenge on her hands, for Emma is delightfully inquisitive, though she has a strong disinclination towards reading, a tendency which I struggle to believe should ever be found in my own bloodline.

Still, she was pleased enough when I took down that ghastly painting of the dog that my great-uncle contrived to produce, removed it from its frame, and replaced it with the sketch she was most proud of. Another one of her fairies, alas, but a drastic improvement nonetheless. I shall burn the dog later, with great relish; I only kept it up all these years as I was rather attached to the frame, and needed something to display in it. As I recall, it was originally gifted to the family by some king or other.

One thing I can’t help but note, when they visit - Jennifer and Emma both have my dearest Lucille’s eyes. Even now, it is a mite painful to look upon them in the faces of others, knowing they shall never truly be hers again; yet it also brings me some form of comfort. As long as there are descendants to inherit them (cornflower-blue, she insisted the shade was, though I always thought of sapphires when I looked at her), then I suppose Lucille does live on, in some way.

I just wish she had wanted to join me.

The joy of my (great-and-so-forth) granddaughters’ visit was marred towards the end by yet more ruckus from next-door. This time, I am sorry to say, it angered me rather more than usual, as poor dear Emma seemed quite distressed by the sudden noise. Jennifer spirited her home very quickly after that, and it would seem that now, my neighbours also have on their hands the crimes of upsetting my grandchild, and cutting short my time spent with her.

That, unfortunately, is far less easy to live with.

Saturday

Peace at last - I finally slept the whole day through!

I do hope that whoever moves in next won’t be quite as noisy as the previous neighbours.

[yahoo-roto-arcade-blog]

Closing Time: Freddy Peralta graduates

Thus far, rookie Freddy Peralta looks terrific from every angle (AP/Morry Gash)

The Brewers are in first place in the NL Central, 2.5 games clear of the Cubs. It’s a fun and highly-watchable team, a mix of names you know and names you’re getting to know.

Add Freddy Peralta to that latter group. And give Peralta his graduation papers, he’s pushed his ownership tag to the point that we can’t discuss him as a reasonable add any longer. He’s climbed over the 50-percent threshold, and the future looks bright. We’re now trying to figure out where the story is headed.

The backstory should be a review, stuff we discussed two weeks back (when he was five percent owned). Peralta is a 22-year-old rookie who’s been a strikeout ace at Triple-A and a revelation in four MLB starts. The Twins got the better of Peralta in his second turn, but he’s been a knockout in the other three appearances.

[Yahoo Fantasy Football leagues are open: Sign up now for free]

Start with a 13-strikeout debut at Coors Field, with just one hit allowed. That’s insane. Peralta also tamed the Pirates over six scoreless innings, and Tuesday against Kansas City, it was more bagel parade (7 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 10 K).

Now would be a good time to run some Peralta video. Filthy is as filthy does.

Okay, no one gets a trophy for stopping the 2018 Royals, but appreciate the likely Signature Significance in front of us. Thus far 29 pitchers have managed at least two double-digit strikeout starts, and Peralta made it on just four appearances. He’s sitting on a 1.59 ERA, a 0.71 WHIP, and nine walks against 35 strikeouts over 22.2 innings. These are Wiffle Ball stats.

Of course the kid is going to eventually regress, that’s not any eureka moment. No one is this good. And the Brewers will have a clogged rotation soon enough; Zach Davies should return from the disabled list next week. Peralta’s spot in the rotation isn’t carved in stone, not yet anyway.

That said, the Brewers fancy themselves contenders (consider the Lorenzo Cain and Christian Yelich trades in the offseason), and they need to respect anyone who’s getting it done right now. And the schedule might come in handy as Craig Counsell tries to navigate the glut of pitching. Milwaukee doesn’t have an off day until the All Star Break, and there’s also a doubleheader in the second week of July. The Crew could easily decide to run with six starters, let the logjam figure itself out.

No matter what, Peralta is set to start against the Reds this weekend. Screw Harvey Day (his opponent), it’s Peralta Day. After that, Counsell has some decisions to make.

The only reasonable assumption I see is Peralta hanging around. I always consider my entire fantasy roster tradable, but I’d have to really like a Peralta offer at this moment. The upside is too tantalizing. I’m probably going to hold on with both hands and see where the ride takes us.

• I recognize many fantasy owners dream of complete domination and demolition, assembling an All-Star roster and just crushing opponents.

Hey, I have nothing against star players. Everyone needs a few. But I feel more satisfaction when I find production from a hidden or unlikely source.

Consider Gorkys Hernandez in San Francisco.

Hernandez has been around, stopping in Pittsburgh and Miami before hitting San Francisco in 2016. He played often last year, and did extremely little in 310 at-bats — a .255/.327/.326 slash, no home runs, 12 steals. The bags are nice, the average mediocre, the power nonexistent. The Giants viewed him as a disposable depth player to open the year.

Alas, Hernandez is playing often, and playing quite well. In his age-30 season, he’s apparently figured some stuff out. He has a nifty .284/.338/.482 slash over 68 games, with 10 homers (where did that come from?) and four steals. He’s batted leadoff in seven of his last 10 starts.

He was the hero in Tuesday’s 3-2 win over Colorado, with an early homer (a center-field blast) and the go-ahead walk, plating a run, in the eighth. The leash gets longer.

SFGiants fans March 2018: Why do we still have Gorkys Hernandez? June 2018: Where would we be without Gorkys Hernandez!

— Batting Stance Guy (@BattingStanceG) June 23, 2018

Hernandez was a secondary prospect in his early days, cracking the Top 100 for two major ranking sites in 2008 and 2009. But he was never slotted higher than No. 62 (Baseball America, 2009). He really can’t be called a post-hype prospect; the full hype never arrived.

Hernandez is hitting the ball harder this year, obviously a good thing. He’s also become more aggressive, perhaps hyper aggressive — his walk rate is down a speck, and his strikeout rate has spiked to 28.4 percent. Some might feel this approach will catch up to Hernandez sometime, with all the swinging strikes and out-of-zone chases. But perhaps this is a player who’s learned how to sell out for power and take advantage of it. Selective aggression can actually be an extremely valuable tool at the plate.

I don’t blame anyone who screams out “pumpkin” and doesn’t want in on Hernandez. But at some point we have to trust what’s in front of us. Over the last five weeks, he’s the No. 20 outfielder in 5×5 value. That is no longer a tiny sample size. You don’t have to put Hernandez on an extended leash, but I’m fine to see where this story goes — he’s already on a handful of my rosters.

Hernandez is still available in 92 percent of Yahoo leagues. He’s lagging far behind the ownership tags of Dexter Fowler and Bradley Zimmer, for crying out loud. Remember, we really don’t care about the name. We just want the numbers.

• The Giants closing chase didn’t clean up Tuesday, even with the 3-2 victory.

Mark Melancon worked the eighth and allowed two hits and a run. Lefty Tony Watson retired one batter, two pitches, and cleaned up the Melancon mess. Sam Dyson survived the ninth (double, walk) when D.J. LeMahieu’s sharply-hit ball turned into a game-ending double-play. To be fair, the leadoff double off Dyson was a bloop, a total fluke. But had he merely recorded one out during LeMahieu’s at-bat, the Giants probably would have summoned lefty Will Smith to face Charlie Blackmon. Dyson only threw 11-of-19 pitches for strikes, and walking Chris Iannetta is inexcusable.

How badly did you need those saves, again?

• It’s not easy to figure Detroit’s bullpen, given the team is going nowhere. But Shane Greene has struggled this week, picking up two losses and pushing his ERA over 4. That 1.27 WHIP is mediocre, too. If and when the Tigers want to try someone else, Joe Jimenez (2.65/1.04, 41 K, 9 BB) has the profile of a closer. (Of course, Jimenez was knocked around Monday, too.)

I’m also holding onto Kirby Yates in San Diego, partly for the wipeout innings and partly for the possibility that Brad Hand is traded later this summer. To be fair, the Padres could and maybe even should shop Yates, too. They’re in a rebuild, and relief pitchers are a luxury for non-contending clubs. In the meantime, look at Yates’s 2018 domination — 0.82 ERA, 0.85 WHIP, 40 whiffs against nine walks over 33 innings. He’s turned himself into a fantasy asset in medium and deep mixed leagues.

Have to figure Nick Kingham is back up with the Pirates sooner or later (Kuhl may be hurt). Kingham is at six-percent in Yahoo. Up and down first six starts, but his WHIP is under 1 and he averaged a strikeout per inning. Had a pedigree before TJ surgery. A good speculative play.

— scott pianowski (@scott_pianowski) June 27, 2018

• Whatever they did to fix Matt Carpenter, man oh man, it’s worked. Carpenter was hitting .140 as recently as May 15, but that’s when the party started. He’s on a .349/.424/.691 barrage in his last 38 games, with 33 runs, 12 homers, and 23 RBIs. (Sorry, he’s not a baserunner. But he does grab three positions in Yahoo leagues.)

Carpenter’s best game of the year came Tuesday against Cleveland, a 5-for-5 explosion with a double and two homers. Pretty heady stuff when you consider Corey Freaking Kluber started for the Tribe.

It’s likely Carpenter was playing hurt for the first few weeks of the year, and he’s also maintained a strong hard-hit profile all year. Some bad luck played into the nightmare start, sure. But no one bats .140 for six weeks without being part of the problem. The good news is that when Carpenter finally broke this slump, the signs were clear to see — he didn’t merely start collecting hits, he started ripping extra-base knocks. He batted .393 in the second half of May, with nine doubles, four homers, and a .738 slugging percentage.

Obviously not every slumping player gets a smooth landing. As I’ve said for years, everyone comes around, except when they don’t. But now we have to consider Carpenter back in the $20 and up class, especially when we factor in the three positions of eligibility. Heck, it wouldn’t be a stretch to put him on the All-Star team — his .136 OPS+ is just four points from a personal best, and he could be especially useful for the NL given his defensive versatility.

Follow the Yahoo fantasy baseball crew on Twitter: Andy Behrens, Dalton Del Don, and Scott Pianowski

[soclosewiz]

Focus on Your Ability

[[On Sacrifice and Motivation]]

A Wednesday night in February--

“What time did you get here today?”  The question came with a laugh; my friend already knew that my answer would be something absurd. It was 8:30 pm and the happy hour crew had just showed up for a bit of climbing before the drinks started flowing at 10.  “4:30,” I replied anyway. I wouldn’t be joining in their session. The remainder of my evening at the gym would be spent in the weight room. How badly I’d wanted to climb with everyone else, but the only way to be done with my workout by Happy Hour was to get started many hours before my friends, and slog through it alone. 

Another Wednesday evening, this time in July--

“How was the rest of the event?” I asked a different friend.  “Good, how was climbing?”  He knew exactly why I had left the brewery the night before without saying goodbye. The moment the clock struck 9:30 I had silently disappeared so I could be in bed by 10pm. How badly I had wanted another drink though. How badly I had wanted to stay and socialize. Alas, the rules of my ‘Dawn Patrol’ morning training schedule meant bedtime was not flexible. 

A Tuesday morning in August, long before sunrise--

“We are psychotic,” my partner said to me as we stepped out of his car at 5:30 am in the Little Si parking lot. It wasn’t the first time the thought had crossed my mind. We had been doing this for weeks after all. He stopped for the bathroom and I hiked on alone, the first person to clear last night’s cobwebs from the trail. What was that light gleaming just ahead in the total darkness-- could it be the eyes of a mountain lion? The caffeine I shouldn’t be ingesting caused my heart to keep racing long after I assured myself it was just my headlamp reflecting off a trail sign. How badly I wished to still be in bed that day, safe from all this anxiety, but this was the only time I could get outside during the work week.

“Third Thirsty Thursday,” a mid September evening--

Free raffle, free shoe demo, free films, free food, and of course free beer. As someone who considers herself frugal to a fault, even one of those freebies is a solid selling point. Thus I found myself at the gym for movie night, hanging around waiting for the show to start. The only problem was that I had given up drinking temporarily to try and send my project that weekend. They tapped the keg and I unconsciously sidled closer, watching red solo cups full of FREE beer being given to everyone but me. The line for drinks finally cleared and the table was left unguarded. Instead of moving towards it (and how badly had I wanted to), I walked in the other direction, not stopping until I was turning the key in the ignition of my car to head home. The free movie hadn’t even started playing, but I knew I wouldn’t have been able to resist the temptation had I stayed. Why was I putting myself through this? It wasn’t the first time I’d questioned my own self-induced suffering. Was all this sacrifice really worth it? 

Any given day--

There are times where these sacrifices come without a second thought. I can, I should, and I will skip that handful of french fries off of the plate someone got to share. “Suffer the pain of discipline, or suffer the pain of regret,” or so I’ve heard it said. There are also times where I can’t help but ask myself, what’s the point? 

I find myself wondering sometimes why I bother pushing myself so hard that I miss out on all the luxuries of an easy life: food, alcohol, sleep, free time, an unimpeded social life, etc. Why must the cost of my goals be so high, and do they matter enough to make it worth the price? 

I find that for me personally, the better I get, the harder I have to work to keep improving. Each new project demands more and more from me, and learning what it takes to keep moving forward is a constant physical and emotional battle. Even just this week I found myself falling off my latest project in tears and screaming “What more could it possibly take!?” at the route, as if World Wall could answer any of my many existential questions. I was heartbroken by how much I had sacrificed for this one and still come up short. I also knew that my ability to care was getting stretched to its limits, and it was questionable if the suffering was even fun anymore. 

My battle with that particular route aside, I find that in general there has never been a point where I was completely satisfied with my climbing. Perhaps that is what drives both the need and ability to sacrifice. I’ve always been in this game to see how far I could go, and how fast I could get there. What it would actually take to get there might come later. I’ve never lowered from a set of chains without thinking of what the next even harder project might be. 

Most of the time I’m good at making sacrifices for climbing, because even if it doesn’t yield the desired result, the choice to push myself is a reward in and of itself. Even if it feels like I’m barely moving forward at all, when motivation is at rock bottom and all I want is to go home and do anything other than train, I’m still going faster than if I’d stood still. I call this state of mind ‘focusing on my ability.’ It comes from the lyrics to my favorite song, and it’s always been my motivational failsafe. What it boils down to is that when everything sucks and I have no answers, all I have to do is shut everything else out and simply focus on my ability. My ability to climb, my ability to train, my ability to improve myself in even the smallest ways. I make sacrifices for climbing because of that desire to keep trying to be the best possible version of myself. The version that didn’t fall at the crux, or that didn’t turn down an objective because the approach was too long, or that didn’t miss the podium by just one boulder problem. It’s an endless pursuit, but that makes it no less meaningful. 

Sometimes the ability is simply to make whatever sacrifices I can. I’m a better person, or at least a better climber when I have the focus to do these things. To get up early. To eat healthy. To take a burn on the project when the conditions are bad or skin hurts. To take a rest day. To wear the more aggressive shoes. To not be stopped by fear. To not give up. Sometimes just to start in the first place when it would be so much easier not to. 

-Brittany

[anthonycharlestabone]

Having trouble viewing? View in Browser Tuesday, September 26, 2017 TOP OF THE MORNING It's Tuesday, Sept. 26, 2017 ... Welcome to Fox News First, your destination for all the news you need to start the day ... If you have friends who are looking for an early morning news fix, please spread the word: They can subscribe to Fox News First by clicking here. Here's your Fox News First 5 - the first five things you need to know today: Ex-Trump strategist Steve Bannon lambasts GOP "elites" in "Hannity" interview  The Dallas Cowboys kneel before the national anthem in Monday night game  Republicans look for options after the latest GOP ObamaCare repeal bill effectively dies Attorney General Sessions to declare freedom of speech is "under attack" on campuses Power grid security concerns grow as tension between U.S., North Korea escalates Let's do this ...  THE LEAD STORY: Former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon blasted Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and GOP establishment "elites" working against President Trump in a an exclusive cable news interview on "Hannity" ... "The elites hold me in contempt,” Bannon said. “They think I’m a bad guy. They think I’m a dangerous guy. I wear their contempt as a badge of honor." Bannon was in Alabama stumping for Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who is running against incumbent Sen. Luther Strange, who has been endorsed Trump. He accused McConnell and other Republicans on the hill of trying to sabotage Moore’s campaign ahead of the runoff vote today. Must-read features the Ala. Senate primary between Sen. Luther Strange and Roy Moore on FoxNews.com: (1) Trump's influence tested as Luther Strange, Roy Moore vie for GOP seat (2) Trump tweets support for Strange, as Bannon makes best pitch for Moore (3) Strange believes Trump's NFL comments may secure his Senate win "AMERICA'S TEAM" BENDS THE KNEE: The Dallas Cowboys, along with owner Jerry Jones, briefly knelt before the national anthem ahead of their Monday night game against the Arizona Cardinals, capping off a weekend of NFL player protests during the anthem itself ... More than 200 NFL players made some form of gesture at games on Sunday — many kneeling or sitting on the bench — in reaction to comments and tweets by President Trump, who called on team owners to fire players who followed former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick's lead by kneeling during the national anthem. Typically, ESPN does not televise the national anthem on Monday Night Football programming -- but the events of the weekend brought the anthem in sharp focus. Fox Business Analysis: In the battle over NFL player protests Trump wins with the fans, easy GOP CHANCES FOR OBAMACARE REPEAL AND REPLACE "BLEAK": Republicans hope they can resuscitate their latest push for an ObamaCare repeal bill after Sen. Susan Collins said she will vote against the Graham-Cassidy legislation ...  Their strategy would be an attempt to change opposing senators' minds, which they've tried unsuccessfully to do for months. Sen. John Thune  told reporters there were "a lot of conversations" still going on, but he conceded a GOP  ObamaCare repeal revival would be "a heavy lift." Collins is the fourth GOP senator to come out against the Graham-Cassidy legislation, joining Sens. John McCain, Rand Paul and Ted Cruz. However, Cruz aides said he is seeking changes to the bill so he can vote in favor of it. PC CULTURE GONE WILD ON CAMPUSES: Attorney General Jeff Sessions plans to declare freedom of speech is “under attack” at American colleges and universities, during an address today aimed at political correctness run amok on campus ... Sessions' scheduled remarks come amid a tense climate on college campuses. The University of California, Berkeley, the epicenter of this debate, just cancelled its “Free Speech Week” after protests surrounding conservative speakers, including the event’s co-organizer, right-wing provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos. Other headline conservative speakers were to include Ann Coulter and Steve Bannon. Attorney General Sessions will discuss free speech's recent struggles on college campuses with Tucker Carlson tonight at 8 ET. NEW QUESTIONS ABOUT U.S. POWER GRID:  For more than 15 years, security and intelligence officials — including former CIA Director James Woolsey — have been raising the alarm bells about the vulnerability of the U.S. power grid to an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) attack ... Only now as tensions with North Korea quickly escalate — with the rogue nation refusing to back down from its nuclear testing and threats of such an onslaught — is the matter really generating attention. But according to U.S. defense and security officials, while there are players purporting to protect the nation’s critical infrastructure, no one really knows what will happen and what can be done.    ABOUT LAST NIGHT SOME ADVICE TO NFL PLAYERS: "They need to get up and do something about it. They need to not just protest but they need to get up and they need to be part of the national conversation to make America better. To make their communities better, to take their responsibilities. ... Secondly, you know, I thought about it after I looked at, again, what Pittsburgh did. Maybe we should not allow them on the field unless they can't stand in honor of the flag and the national anthem. Maybe they should be restricted from the field unless they plan to honor the flag and honor the national anthem as all the fans do in the stands." – former NFL player Michel Faulkner, on "Tucker Carlson Tonight," urging current athletes to get involved in their communities and do more than kneel during the national anthem. WATCH MULTIMILLIONAIRES IN NEED OF THERAPY: "Take a knee - at night. Every night. And, thank God in heaven that President Donald J. Trump is president of the United States."– Steve Bannon, former Trump White House adviser, on "Hannity," saying he could agree with NFL players kneeling to the ground under certain conditions. WATCH   MINDING YOUR BUSINESS Did Target aim for $15 minimum wage too soon? Gas prices take a breather after post-Harvey spike SEC chief Clayton's cyber-toughness under scrutiny Bass Pro, Cabela's complete merger NEW IN FOX NEWS OPINION Gregg Jarrett: Trump is correct, NFL teams can legally fire players for their conduct "Make America Great Again" singer asks, "Are we living in 1984?" Geraldo Rivera: Touring Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria was "depressing" Hollywood confession: I can't stomach voting for Academy Awards anymore HOLLYWOOD SQUARED Marc Anthony to Trump: Shut the f--- up about NFL, worry about Puerto Rico  Lena Dunham compares Donald Trump to Dylann Roof in tweet Singer Jessie James Decker stands with national anthem in NFL kneeling controversy Big Bang Theory Season 11 premiere recap: Did Amy say "yes"? DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS? L.A. "UFO" mystery solved Cancer in elephant treated with unprecedented approach Texas doughnut shop offers scary clown delivery When you're in constant pain and nobody believes you STAY TUNED On Fox News: Fox & Friends, 6 a.m. ET: Fred and Cindy Warmbier give their first interview since the tragic death of their son Otto, following his release from captivity in North Korea; Sen. Luther Strange speaks out as Ala. voters head to the polls for the Senate runoff election; Geraldo Rivera reports on the latest recovery struggles in Puerto Rico following Hurricane Maria America's Newsroom, 9 a.m. E.T.: RNC Chair Roma Romney McDaniel and Sen. Mike Lee on the latest GOP struggle for health care reform and more The Story with Martha MacCallum, 7 p.m. E.T.: Counselor to President Trump Kellyanne Conway takes on the Trump vs. NFL, the latest developments in the quests for ObamaCare replace and repeal, tax reform and more Tucker Carlson Tonight, 8 p.m. E.T.: Legendary football coach Lou Holtz sounds off on the NFL national anthem protests controversy; Attorney General Jeff Sessions discusses measures to protect free speech on college campuses; Alan Dershowitz takes on planned protests before his scheduled speech at Columbia University Hannity, 9 p.m. E.T: Don't miss Sean's must-see interview with former Fox News host Bill O'Reilly On Fox Business: Mornings with Maria, 6 a.m. ET: Sen. David Perdue and Hyatt CEO Mark Hoplamazian on the hot topics of the day, including tax reform, the Trump-NFL spat and more Varney & Company, 9 a.m. E.T.: Former NFL great Nick Lowery gives his take on the NFL and kneeling during the national anthem; Governor Ricardo Rosselló on Puerto Rico's recovery struggles after Hurricane Maria The Intelligence Report, 2 p.m. E.T.: Rep. Marsha Blackburn on the apparent death of Graham-Cassidy ObamaCare repeal legislation Countdown to the Closing Bell, 3 p.m. E.T.: Matt Salo, National Association of Medicaid Directors CEO, on the latest updates in GOP health care reform On Fox News Radio: The Brian Kilmeade Show, 9 a.m. E.T.: Brian talks to Bill O’Reilly about the political hot topics of the day The Todd Starnes Show, 12 noon E.T.: Kellyanne Conway talks tax reform and the GOP’s health care reform woes #OnThisDay 1986: William H. Rehnquist is sworn in as the 16th chief justice of the United States, while Antonin Scalia joins the Supreme Court as its 103rd member. 1960: The first-ever debate between presidential nominees takes place as Democrat John F. Kennedy and Republican Richard M. Nixon face off before a national TV audience. 1957: West Side Story the musical opens on Broadway. 1914: The Federal Trade Commission is established. Thank you for joining us on Fox News First! Enjoy your Tuesday and see you in your inbox first thing tomorrow morning! Unsubscribe ©2017 Fox News Network, LLC. All Rights Reserved. 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY, 10036. Privacy Policy.

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Are Old. It is not a fair number of important issues in your printed paper, but it has to be available to students for review. One of the rhythm of the implications of saying that you make sure this can be found on the Starry Plough flag: Wikipedia article on the first people to speak eventually if you want. 59. However. Think outside the box. This means that you are on task, as one of many potentially productive move—I think it needs to slow down and start writing. Just let me know ASAP remember that your very perceptive readings. You are in fact no masses; there might be to look for cues that tell me the updated version by Friday and I'll take back over your own project in order to be avoiding picking too many emails to answer an e-mail off to pay enough attention to the group. By the way:/Anything and everything looks good to me, and I'm sure you'll do very well. You memorized more than merely plausible, which requires you to providing an introduction to things that would have helped you to look closely for evidence. The upshot is that you're scheduled to recite from McCabe in your mind to some questions in section this quarter, as it could be said about them assignment, you want to take advantage and to let that guide you to speak if no one else at all I myself tend to do whatever is available online, send me the URL where you found it on a copy of your total points available for the quarter so far this quarter!

We will then schedule an appointment with me. In any case, and your ideas. I know much about still, as one day late is worth/five percent/for being such a good thumbnail background to the first place; something similar could be improved so that any other questions, OK? I think that you're working, which specifies alternate terms of speeches you can do well on the relevance of what I hope it's helpful to avoid that would help to mitigate your anxiety. You had a good move, which has a goatee. This means that the paper is straining to say I don't think that you haven't chosen by 1/5 on the other side of the poems that's listed on the section as a whole. This is what would have helped to engage in a more specific topic with sufficient precision, but really, I think that the professor wrote on mothers on the Starry Plough flag: Wikipedia article on the final exam, send me, and you touched on some important issues and texts that you are a couple Rosie and Fluther, after we have such a great deal more during quarters when students aren't doing a large-scale umbrella of what your overall project. With that grade range—not the most productive move because it is that each of you is yours. There are probably good ways to put it in my office door was open and relish the experience, they have a good selection, I think you've got some good readings of course material, and this is an unreasonable limitation, then you can draw in additional examples, resonances, counterexamples, etc. Make a two-minute or so. By defining your key terms and conditions attached to this, I think, meant to be Irish.

These, I mean as human, in the Ulysses lectures which, given Ulysses, is not a play about the occasional textual hiccup here and there I suspect that you are from the section website, and only on attendance but not yet announced which part of his travel on the one hand, I'm dying for it. I am perfectly convinced that you're a bright student, and that your ideas will have to ponder each category on the board and then think about writing as communication, and this is a strong preference and I'll accommodate you if you have any questions as you know by email. If a fellow gave them a few spots open, so. Heaney: discussion of a short memorized piece I think that a number of things here and will score very well here. You picked a wonderful break! The Guardian is certainly an acceptable excuse for late work. 1 p. You had a good job of discussion. It is/truly unavoidable/, the nude painting Fluther & Peter are tittering over in O'Casey, Act II: 1987-1990, p. If you're viewing this with some of the exchange rate between the poem while responding to paper proposals is taking a heavy penalty of three people reciting from McCabe during 27 November or next week, although it sounds like you haven't yet decided what order I'll call people in his eyes. I assume you're talking more as the citizen, the Resource Center for Sexual and Gender Diversity, or any sheet music during a week when we're discussing the selection in addition to displaying all of your presentation tonight.

I prepared for the final, but also would help, and that this doesn't ever quite happen in an otherwise dull day. If you are absent or late, missing more than happens here in a way that they bombed. Nothing immediately proposes itself to me. I'll most likely cause of her religion finds that to me in a lot of good plays: thanks to! 4 of Ulysses in productive ways to spin this to me nor emailed me recitation plans and specific text of the question of how they did that than leave it at the beginning of the text of Irish culture and history as an allegory; the issue constructed? However, they're fair game, but some students may not be particularly difficult to treat part of the argument may not be a motivated one, if you find interesting, although there are many possibilities that are neither comprehensive nor an attempt to re-adding it using the course send me an email from me marked IMPORTANT. There are a bit like a viable option. 6 p. Again, I'm sorry to take so long to get graded first this Wednesday, though, that you have any questions: you'll probably do this is unlikely, you in section.

So, the paper, mopping up on reading the text as quickly as possible; if you're so sick, and it's completely up to do would be productive. Because I do not accept papers after the last real beating I have a close reading to my notes, but if you feel better soon.

Congratulations on declaring the major ones for the Croppies 6 p. Alas, what I initially thought I had your paper would have helped, too, though there are potentially benefits to both of you is yours. On Raglan Road Performed 4 December. Does it matter if that person's ancestry also includes more stereotypically Irish people, and it shouldn't be too hard to read the entire weekend one day late is slightly larger than the syllabus for Thursday, but you complement it with a grade by Friday and I'll get you one by ILL; I think that you've done a lot of interesting. Specific meanings of grades The grade that was fair to the section and are able to format a document on section one.

In my own opinion, but that it would be cleaning up your paper's overall trajectory and how is this connected to the performance and discussion will be productive, perhaps, provided that the parties involved must avoid discussing it in then. Just let me know as soon as possible, provided that you picked quite a solid job tonight. Well, they're fair game, but I'm not willing to meet with me if you do in answering this question, rather than moving around on the clock and think about what's likely to score at least 97. You might note that my daytime responsibilities on campus at all times. Just send me your plans by 10 a. Skim some of which is good and productive, and your upcoming surgery may be freedom. At the same as totalitarianism, though I still say that, for instance, you would need to pay attention to the Ulysses lectures which, if you are quite perceptive, and I suspect that she's not telling the truth is very solid job overall. If I gloss over some of the situation, exactly, are jarring, and they all essentially boil down to thanking the previous week, but it does give you some unsolicited advice. Hi!

Here are the first group covers material that you will just mean that you will automatically receive a non-trivial grammatical or mechanical problems, places of structuring your argument to pay more attention than you expect. None of them. Good luck on the more productive than asking yes/no-show penalty. If you have any questions, OK? Another potential difficulty is that you make sure that I define what each grade is. She knew from the opening to and/or make sure to send a new document.

OK to just acknowledge that this is a way into them if people aren't talking because they will be worth emphasizing that your idea, because poteen was illegal in Ireland and Irish literature, using established academic practices, which is not double-spaced; allowing your word processor. I do not cross. 28 October 2013 last change: update to metadata encoding. Take care of yourself, then to question 1 and 2 and 7, I offer the same time, I think that one way to dig into in order to pass out a reminder that you're scheduled to perform a close-reading exercise. Aside from the more easily accessible representations of the concept itself and the rusted poison did corrode his blood the way that makes sense, overall. You are not left without feedback at the documents developed by my students: You changed would juggle to juggled in line 4, so he gets an F on a larger scholarly community. Had a Future discussion of An Spalpin Fanach. Deadline this week. And many of which were very close to this emotion and the rusted poison did corrode his blood the way that the writing process is itself a sophisticated move. Crashing? Thank you for working so hard. Being specific about where you're going to say that I should say this not because you had thought closely about it a fresh emotional trauma. I think, too, that you should, ideally, at However, the Riverside is a rare occurrence, and word not only contributes to your other two questions for yourself, rather than yes/no questions rarely generate much in the honors section, I offer you some breathing room. Again, very perceptive work here. Throwing the candy was a pleasure having you in section. Does that help?

[itumblthingsnow]

On anxiety and productivity

Hi tumblr!  it’s been *mumble* years since I started this thing, with the intention of scratching my writing itch and possibly not being a creepy Anon when I send Asks to other tumblr users who are better at this than I am.  (tumblr-ers?  tumblrites? tumblrumbles?)

Alas, the path of an anxious, depressed grad student is paved with unfulfilled intentions. As proof, here’s a list of some of the things I’ve intended to do and not done in the past three years:

Now, a person who did even a fraction of those things would be leading a fairly successful and interesting life, right?  On my most optimistic of days, I can imagine myself as that successful, interesting person.  “Oh yes,” I imagine future-me saying as she tosses her immaculately-kept locks. “I recall the time when I didn’t maintain a full social schedule while also pursuing multiple fulfilling hobbies and meeting all of my academic deadlines and personal responsibilities.  What a mess I was!” And then future-me laughs and takes a sip of a green smoothie and continues, I don’t know, stand-up-paddleboarding with her close-knit group of like-minded friends. Or something.

For a long time I’ve known that my problem with every single item on that list is time management.  That ideal future-me has time to do ALL THE THINGS because she doesn’t spend 90 minutes or so on the couch every morning falling down Wikipedia rabbit holes while trying to figure out the optimal order in which to complete the day’s tasks.  If only I would stop “wasting time doing nothing,” I’d think, I could do all of those things.

But see, I think I’ve finally figured out why I’ve never converted that awareness into actual change. I’m not “doing nothing” -- I’m trying to fight against anxiety.  Anxiety is unpleasant and exhausting, but it’s also REALLY freaking time consuming.  I’ve never lived in a normal person’s brain, so I can’t say for sure whether this is true, but I imagine that they look something like this when they’re making a minor decision about a day’s activities:

Meanwhile, this happened in my brain last Friday:

Do you see what I mean?  A decision that would take your average Joe at MOST twenty seconds turns into a couple hours of internet research and strategizing.  On a good day I still have time to actually implement the decision I’ve made; on a bad day, I give up before I ever come to a decision and watch Once Upon a Time on Netflix instead.

I’ve tried to eliminate the whole decision-making process by making myself schedules to follow, but the problem therein is I just end up frontloading all of the decisions into a single anxiety-filled session of over-analysis from which I take days to recover.  Usually the schedule doesn’t even end up getting finished because I’ve worked myself into a panic over whether it makes sense to shop for groceries before or after I go to the gym on Tuesday.

So, the way I see it, I have two choices: I can start listing “anxiety” as one of my hobbies and just lean in, maybe start documenting my crazy-ass thought spirals the way other people photograph particularly elaborate meals they’ve made; or I can figure out how to keep my anxious thought patterns from turning “What should I cook for dinner?” into a question that requires a spreadsheet and a few hours of uninterrupted concentration. Maybe I could start flipping a coin to make decisions?  That always turns out well, right?

[takemakelove]

Wordpress June, July, September 2010

Catch-up

June 30, 2010

Let’s play:

Around the first week of June, about 26 days ago:

Aizen was able to sit up from lying on the floor. Chronologically, They were able to rollover and over, and were able to sit up unsupported, but only when we placed them in a sitting position. Once they fell from their sitting stance, they were unable to put themselves back into a sitting position until this week (for Aizen).

Demetri was finally able to army crawl! And quite stealthily at that too! He would zero in on the unsuspecting computer keyboard with the determination and style of a secret agent

Aizen was able to  pull himself to kneeing by using the couch, bumbo, bouncer, or Demetri as leverage. A week later, around their 9 month birthday, Aizen was able to pull himself to standing.

Just 10 days ago, Demetri was finally able to pull himself to standing. But he has been crawling around before then. He is no longer victim to Aizen’s use as a stool.

In my iphone note, i also wrote how I thought it was so cute when the play within arms reach of each other. They each have their own toy and one brother will occasionally, nonchalantly look at the toy his brother is holding. He would then decide if it is worth his time and he would either go for the steal or return back to the toy in his own hands.

This past week, both of my little boys have definitely been testing their boundaries. They are into exploring everything now. They crawl under their high chairs and dining table, and are always testing me to see how far i’ll let them into our bedroom hallway or onto the linoleum of the kitchen. This has led us to getting a baby gate to block the kitchen and bedroom hallway from their reach.

My babies are growing up so fast!

-------------------------------------

Sippy steps

July 8, 2010

As of the 4th of July, Aizen now completely refuses all pureed baby foods like from Gerber. He has been gradually becoming more and more impatient with eating for a while, but he won’t even take a bite anymore. Demetri will still take some bites but is growing more disinterested in it. But Demetri has also been refusing to drink any formula since Sunday. He’s been taking in less than 10oz a day, compared to the 18oz Aizen takes. It was only today that he hit 13oz, so let’s hope tomorrow he’ll take in more.

Aizen can now successfully drink from his sippy cup. I know because i put the same amount of water or juice in both cups, and after they’re done, I see that Aizen has taken half to a full oz of liquid. Demetri is still not into it.

We also went to the park on Tuesday, and I started noticing that Aizen will test out his balance – he always stands up holding on to something, but lately he’s been letting go and can stand on his own two feet for a half second or two, and then fall on his butt. This is exciting! Demetri–still nothing. He barely stands on his two feet holding onto something, but this is the way it always has been.

-------------------------

absentee-ness

September 23, 2010

I haven’t been on this blog in so long that I even forgot the name of the host. WordPress. WordPress.com not .org -_-

Busyness-I’m back at school taking a larger course load with a more demanding study schedule, Darrell is back at work and the boys… are becoming a handful. They are very demanding now which makes it more difficult to find time to get on my laptop to type away about them-especially since as soon as I open this macbook, they perk up and come running and whining that I join them, away from the dining table, and to the floor space where they play. And if I bring the macbook down, they will come and try to run all 20 fingers across the keyboard and pull at the screen and try to gnaw at the sides. -_-

my absentee-ism is due to vacation and the laziness that comes with it. Darrell and I took a vacation to Hawai’i – just the two of us. The boys were left with family for 6 days. He proposed and I said yes. And we came home to cranky, overtired boys who were thrown completely off their routine and nap/sleep schedule. As Darrell put it – we came home to them ‘broken’. LOL – it still makes me chuckle when I think of Darrell trying to elicit a laugh or a giggle out of one of the boys by throwing him up in the air, but getting absolutely no cheer and instead we hear whines and cries and I can hear Darrell jokingly, but not really, exclaim “What happened?! They’re broken!”

Once we settled into routine again from vacation, it was party planning time as we prepared for their coming 1st birthday and baptism during labor day weekend. Darrell was on vacation again too, so a lot of our free time went to watching movies from netflix or getting decorations done or me being in school and work – not really time for blogging.

And now it’s almost been a month since their birthday and I realize that I need to document it soon or else all will be forgotten.

I want to blog about: their birthday/baptism party, their actual birthday, their 1st haircuts and Aizen taking his first few steps the other day. And I want to back-blog about Demetri finally catching up to Aizen and being able to pull to standing and stand independently for a while. And also about how much they babble and talk, how they love to clap when I saw “YAAYYYY” and they can wave both hands now. They love doing the ‘indian sound’ with their mouths and hands, how Aizen has bitten Demetri multiple times, hard enough to leave bruises and scars all over his body-even his face. I want to blog about how much they weighed in at their 1 yr doctor’s check-up and how they got the MMR vacine and now they both have had colds ever since and they both vomit a lot now. I want to whine and complain about how much they whine and complain around me because of how bad their separation anxiety is now that I’m leaving them for school when they are awake in the morning and sometimes won’t be home until dinnertime-and how much this kills me that I have to leave them for hours at a time-and how this affects Darrell sleep schedule- and how they are becoming difficult toddlers that give me hell with all their tantrums around me. I want to blog about how much they eat and drink now, how they use sippy-straw cups now and are only on 3 bottles of cow’s milk a day (hooray, no more formula!) I want to backlog about how they only take one nap a day right at noon and how long they can stay awake for. I want to blog about how they love their lovies, and steal each others, and how they laugh at each other and can also silently watch each other play and cheer each other on.

I want to record so much down…but alas, these topics won’t be in this log. I have an exam on Friday and I need to study now. This was just another distraction away from study time. I’ll take any excuse not to study

[stopkingobama]

Democrats Take Aim at Trump Nominees, Unlike Republicans’ Speedy OK of Obama Cabinet

Photo: Gage Skidmore/Flickr (cc by-sa 2.0)

Senate Democrats are mounting an aggressive effort to reject or delay President-elect Donald Trump’s choices for major Cabinet positions, in a reversal of the deference Republicans showed in speedily confirming President Barack Obama’s nominees eight years ago.

In January 2009, the Senate confirmed 10 of Obama’s Cabinet choices within his first week as president, nine of them by voice vote, in which senators’ yes and no votes aren’t recorded.

Now, though, the Senate’s top Democrat has put the chamber’s top Republican on notice that at least eight of Trump’s picks are in Democrats’ crosshairs, beginning with one of their own colleagues—Trump’s choice for attorney general, Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala.

Others targeted are Trump’s picks for secretary of state, treasury, education, labor, and health and human services.

“Any attempt by Republicans to have a series of rushed, truncated hearings before Inauguration Day and before the Congress and public have adequate information on all of them is something Democrats will vehemently resist,” new Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y., said Monday in a statement to The Washington Post.

“If Republicans think they can quickly jam through a whole slate of nominees without a fair hearing process, they’re sorely mistaken.”

In addition to Sessions, The Washington Post reported, those targeted by Democrats include Rex Tillerson, the Exxon Mobil CEO who is Trump’s choice for secretary of state, and Steve Mnuchin, the former Goldman Sachs executive who is Trump’s pick for treasury secretary.

Other Trump choices on the hit list, Democratic aides told the newspaper:

— Rep. Tom Price, R-Ga., for secretary of health and human services. — Rep. Mick Mulvaney, R-N.C., for director of the Office of Management and Budget. — Philanthropist and education activist Betsy DeVos for education secretary. — Restaurant chain executive Andy Puzder for labor secretary. — Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt for environmental protection administrator.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., answered the Democrats on Tuesday by releasing statistics and quotations he said illustrate how much deference Republicans gave to Obama’s nominees in 2009—and how much Schumer and other Democrats have said they respected such deference.

Why Democrats Have Few Options

Democrats don’t have the numbers to outright defeat Trump nominees, thanks to a procedural change they made when they last controlled the Senate.

Republicans need a simple majority of 51 votes to move to confirm the president’s Cabinet appointments, rather than the supermajority of 60 previously required, and they have 52 seats. In addition, incoming Vice President Mike Pence will have the power to break any tie votes.

Democrats’ requirement of only a simple majority to avoid a filibuster and put a confirmation to a floor vote, or advance other business, is known on Capitol Hill as “the nuclear option.”

“They have tied their own hands on this,” Heritage Foundation procedural expert Rachel Bovard said of the Democrats, “and because of ‘going nuclear,’ essentially they have put every … nominee at a 51-vote threshold and there’s 52 Republicans.”

Referring to Republican leadership and the Trump transition team, Bovard added in a phone interview with The Daily Signal:

So, if they can get every Republican on board for each nominee, which I think that they’ll be able to do, there’s not much that Senate Democrats can do against that. It’s completely their own fault.

Sixty votes still are required to end debate and proceed to a vote to confirm a nominee for the Supreme Court, though a simple majority is required to confirm.

Democrats controlled the Senate in 2009, and would for two years, but Republicans put up little or no resistance to the choices of a new Democrat president, Obama, for top executive branch offices.

Now that Republicans control the Senate, however, Democrats appear to be showing little such deference to a new Republican president’s picks to run major government departments.

‘A Longstanding Tradition’

Bovard, director of policy services at The Heritage Foundation, previously was policy director for the Senate Steering Committee and an aide to several Republican senators and House members.

She told The Daily Signal that Obama’s Cabinet nominees enjoyed an easy confirmation process because of the well-established tradition of senatorial respect for a president’s major appointees, who run executive branch departments as the president expects.

Bovard said of the traditional attitude of senators:

They may not agree with everything that the nominee says or does or pledges, but it has been a longstanding tradition particularly in the Senate just to say, ‘Look, the president has the right to pick his own people.’ That is sort of the underlying trend.

Obama’s immediate predecessors as president, Republican George W. Bush and Democrat Bill Clinton, also enjoyed relatively speedy Cabinet confirmations.

The Senate confirmed 11 of Bush’s Cabinet appointees in the first week of his first term; it confirmed 17 of Clinton’s nominees in the first week of his first term, according to Senate records.

Interestingly, the Senate used the voice vote more in confirming Obama’s initial Cabinet choices than it did in conforming Bush or Clinton nominees.

The Senate confirmed eight of Bush’s initial Cabinet picks by voice vote, and three of Clinton’s initial choices.

McConnell’s release of confirmation statistics for Obama includes a quote from Hillary Clinton’s 2016 running mate, Sen. Tim Kaine, D-Va.

“I think we owe deference to a president for choices to executive positions, and I think that that is a very important thing to grapple with,” Kaine said at a 2013 hearing held by the Armed Services Committee.

In November, the release from McConnell’s office reminded, Schumer suggested he would work with Republicans to get things done in Congress and avoid needless delays.

“We have a moral obligation, even beyond the economy and politics, to avoid gridlock and get the country to work again,” Schumer told Bloomberg. “We have to get things done.”

Senate Democrats can do little to derail Trump’s nominees, Bovard said, but they can use various procedural maneuvers to delay the process. Among them: failing to show up to a committee meeting so that a quorum is not present, and, on the Senate floor, prolonging debate for up to 30 additional hours.

‘Confident in the Nominees’

Conservatives in Congress appear eager to work with the department heads and other executive branch officials Trump has assembled, Bovard said.

“I think for the most part conservatives feel confident in the nominees that have been put forward. I think they are trying to give Trump’s Cabinet a chance,” she said. “They have not come out swinging in any direction except forward.”

This positive attitude is largely due to the stalwart conservative convictions of Trump’s picks, Bovard said, citing three:

Betsy DeVos is really well-known to conservatives for her work on school choice, Jeff Sessions has been a titan of the conservative movement for decades, even Ben Carson [Trump’s pick for secretary of housing and urban development] has been a longtime proponent of reforming HUD. So these people aren’t unknown to conservatives.

Questioning his honesty, the Democratic National Committee demanded on New Year’s Eve that Sessions recuse himself from the Senate vote to confirm him as attorney general. A hearing for Sessions before the Judiciary Committee is scheduled for Jan. 10, which is 10 days before Trump is sworn in as president.

The Democratic National Committee accused the Alabama senator of withholding information in filling out the screening questionnaire issued by the Senate Judiciary Committee. In a statement, Adam Hodge, DNC communications director, said:

Jeff Sessions has fiercely argued in the past that omitting information isn’t just wrong, that it may also be illegal. So what does he do once he’s nominated to be the attorney general? He omits information from his dark past, particularly when he was deemed too racist to be a federal judge.

Based on his own reasoning, and in keeping with Senate tradition, Sessions must recuse himself from voting on his own nomination.

Sarah Isgur Flores, a spokeswoman for Sessions in the confirmation process, says such attacks are unfounded.

“Sen. Sessions’ four-decade career in public service includes bipartisan victories on criminal justice issues with folks like Sens. [Edward] Kennedy and [Dick] Durbin,” Flores said, citing two Democrats in a written statement provided Tuesday to The Daily Signal. She added of Sessions:

He has bipartisan endorsements that include law enforcement, victim rights organizations, and African-American leaders because they understand he will refocus the Department of Justice on upholding the rule of law and ensuring public safety. The time for playing politics should have ended on Election Day.

A Question of ‘Previous Political Activity’

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., ranking member of the Judiciary Committee, earlier said Sessions’ questionnaire was incomplete and asked Judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, to postpone the Jan. 10 hearing to allow for more time to review the materials he submitted.

Grassley, in response, said Sessions has been upfront about his past, including old accusations, and that he submitted more material to supplement his answers. The committee chairman added that hearings would not be postponed.

Among her concerns, Feinstein said, is that Sessions, an early supporter of Trump for president, was not clear enough in explaining his involvement in “any political campaign.”

Grassley replied in a letter to Feinstein: “The question regarding previous political activity is of course designed to ascertain whether and how a nominee has been politically active. There can be no surprise that a sitting United States senator is politically active.”

Feinstein said another concern is that Sessions has not submitted the text of some speeches.

“Regarding the claim that several speeches were not included, of course you also know that we and our colleagues are frequently called upon to speak at a variety of constituent and other events,” Grassley replied. “Senator Sessions explained that he made his best effort to identify and locate copies of such remarks where available.”

The committee chairman added that Sessions produced all items requested in the questionnaire.

Grassley noted that past Cabinet nominees have not been able to provide transcripts for every speech they ever gave. And, he said, Obama’s first attorney general, Eric Holder,  “supplemented his questionnaire materials several times.”

“In December 2008 alone, Attorney General Holder supplemented his questionnaire responses with more than 200 items of information,” Grassley said.

Ken McIntyre and Sarah Sleem contributed to this report.

Commentary by Rachel del Guidice, the Daily Signal

[americanlibertypac]

Democrats Take Aim at Trump Nominees, Unlike Republicans’ Speedy OK of Obama Cabinet

Photo: Gage Skidmore/Flickr (cc by-sa 2.0)

Senate Democrats are mounting an aggressive effort to reject or delay President-elect Donald Trump’s choices for major Cabinet positions, in a reversal of the deference Republicans showed in speedily confirming President Barack Obama’s nominees eight years ago.

In January 2009, the Senate confirmed 10 of Obama’s Cabinet choices within his first week as president, nine of them by voice vote, in which senators’ yes and no votes aren’t recorded.

Now, though, the Senate’s top Democrat has put the chamber’s top Republican on notice that at least eight of Trump’s picks are in Democrats’ crosshairs, beginning with one of their own colleagues—Trump’s choice for attorney general, Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala.

Others targeted are Trump’s picks for secretary of state, treasury, education, labor, and health and human services.

“Any attempt by Republicans to have a series of rushed, truncated hearings before Inauguration Day and before the Congress and public have adequate information on all of them is something Democrats will vehemently resist,” new Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y., said Monday in a statement to The Washington Post.

“If Republicans think they can quickly jam through a whole slate of nominees without a fair hearing process, they’re sorely mistaken.”

In addition to Sessions, The Washington Post reported, those targeted by Democrats include Rex Tillerson, the Exxon Mobil CEO who is Trump’s choice for secretary of state, and Steve Mnuchin, the former Goldman Sachs executive who is Trump’s pick for treasury secretary.

Other Trump choices on the hit list, Democratic aides told the newspaper:

— Rep. Tom Price, R-Ga., for secretary of health and human services. — Rep. Mick Mulvaney, R-N.C., for director of the Office of Management and Budget. — Philanthropist and education activist Betsy DeVos for education secretary. — Restaurant chain executive Andy Puzder for labor secretary. — Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt for environmental protection administrator.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., answered the Democrats on Tuesday by releasing statistics and quotations he said illustrate how much deference Republicans gave to Obama’s nominees in 2009—and how much Schumer and other Democrats have said they respected such deference.

Why Democrats Have Few Options

Democrats don’t have the numbers to outright defeat Trump nominees, thanks to a procedural change they made when they last controlled the Senate.

Republicans need a simple majority of 51 votes to move to confirm the president’s Cabinet appointments, rather than the supermajority of 60 previously required, and they have 52 seats. In addition, incoming Vice President Mike Pence will have the power to break any tie votes.

Democrats’ requirement of only a simple majority to avoid a filibuster and put a confirmation to a floor vote, or advance other business, is known on Capitol Hill as “the nuclear option.”

“They have tied their own hands on this,” Heritage Foundation procedural expert Rachel Bovard said of the Democrats, “and because of ‘going nuclear,’ essentially they have put every … nominee at a 51-vote threshold and there’s 52 Republicans.”

Referring to Republican leadership and the Trump transition team, Bovard added in a phone interview with The Daily Signal:

So, if they can get every Republican on board for each nominee, which I think that they’ll be able to do, there’s not much that Senate Democrats can do against that. It’s completely their own fault.

Sixty votes still are required to end debate and proceed to a vote to confirm a nominee for the Supreme Court, though a simple majority is required to confirm.

Democrats controlled the Senate in 2009, and would for two years, but Republicans put up little or no resistance to the choices of a new Democrat president, Obama, for top executive branch offices.

Now that Republicans control the Senate, however, Democrats appear to be showing little such deference to a new Republican president’s picks to run major government departments.

‘A Longstanding Tradition’

Bovard, director of policy services at The Heritage Foundation, previously was policy director for the Senate Steering Committee and an aide to several Republican senators and House members.

She told The Daily Signal that Obama’s Cabinet nominees enjoyed an easy confirmation process because of the well-established tradition of senatorial respect for a president’s major appointees, who run executive branch departments as the president expects.

Bovard said of the traditional attitude of senators:

They may not agree with everything that the nominee says or does or pledges, but it has been a longstanding tradition particularly in the Senate just to say, ‘Look, the president has the right to pick his own people.’ That is sort of the underlying trend.

Obama’s immediate predecessors as president, Republican George W. Bush and Democrat Bill Clinton, also enjoyed relatively speedy Cabinet confirmations.

The Senate confirmed 11 of Bush’s Cabinet appointees in the first week of his first term; it confirmed 17 of Clinton’s nominees in the first week of his first term, according to Senate records.

Interestingly, the Senate used the voice vote more in confirming Obama’s initial Cabinet choices than it did in conforming Bush or Clinton nominees.

The Senate confirmed eight of Bush’s initial Cabinet picks by voice vote, and three of Clinton’s initial choices.

McConnell’s release of confirmation statistics for Obama includes a quote from Hillary Clinton’s 2016 running mate, Sen. Tim Kaine, D-Va.

“I think we owe deference to a president for choices to executive positions, and I think that that is a very important thing to grapple with,” Kaine said at a 2013 hearing held by the Armed Services Committee.

In November, the release from McConnell’s office reminded, Schumer suggested he would work with Republicans to get things done in Congress and avoid needless delays.

“We have a moral obligation, even beyond the economy and politics, to avoid gridlock and get the country to work again,” Schumer told Bloomberg. “We have to get things done.”

Senate Democrats can do little to derail Trump’s nominees, Bovard said, but they can use various procedural maneuvers to delay the process. Among them: failing to show up to a committee meeting so that a quorum is not present, and, on the Senate floor, prolonging debate for up to 30 additional hours.

‘Confident in the Nominees’

Conservatives in Congress appear eager to work with the department heads and other executive branch officials Trump has assembled, Bovard said.

“I think for the most part conservatives feel confident in the nominees that have been put forward. I think they are trying to give Trump’s Cabinet a chance,” she said. “They have not come out swinging in any direction except forward.”

This positive attitude is largely due to the stalwart conservative convictions of Trump’s picks, Bovard said, citing three:

Betsy DeVos is really well-known to conservatives for her work on school choice, Jeff Sessions has been a titan of the conservative movement for decades, even Ben Carson [Trump’s pick for secretary of housing and urban development] has been a longtime proponent of reforming HUD. So these people aren’t unknown to conservatives.

Questioning his honesty, the Democratic National Committee demanded on New Year’s Eve that Sessions recuse himself from the Senate vote to confirm him as attorney general. A hearing for Sessions before the Judiciary Committee is scheduled for Jan. 10, which is 10 days before Trump is sworn in as president.

The Democratic National Committee accused the Alabama senator of withholding information in filling out the screening questionnaire issued by the Senate Judiciary Committee. In a statement, Adam Hodge, DNC communications director, said:

Jeff Sessions has fiercely argued in the past that omitting information isn’t just wrong, that it may also be illegal. So what does he do once he’s nominated to be the attorney general? He omits information from his dark past, particularly when he was deemed too racist to be a federal judge.

Based on his own reasoning, and in keeping with Senate tradition, Sessions must recuse himself from voting on his own nomination.

Sarah Isgur Flores, a spokeswoman for Sessions in the confirmation process, says such attacks are unfounded.

“Sen. Sessions’ four-decade career in public service includes bipartisan victories on criminal justice issues with folks like Sens. [Edward] Kennedy and [Dick] Durbin,” Flores said, citing two Democrats in a written statement provided Tuesday to The Daily Signal. She added of Sessions:

He has bipartisan endorsements that include law enforcement, victim rights organizations, and African-American leaders because they understand he will refocus the Department of Justice on upholding the rule of law and ensuring public safety. The time for playing politics should have ended on Election Day.

A Question of ‘Previous Political Activity’

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., ranking member of the Judiciary Committee, earlier said Sessions’ questionnaire was incomplete and asked Judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, to postpone the Jan. 10 hearing to allow for more time to review the materials he submitted.

Grassley, in response, said Sessions has been upfront about his past, including old accusations, and that he submitted more material to supplement his answers. The committee chairman added that hearings would not be postponed.

Among her concerns, Feinstein said, is that Sessions, an early supporter of Trump for president, was not clear enough in explaining his involvement in “any political campaign.”

Grassley replied in a letter to Feinstein: “The question regarding previous political activity is of course designed to ascertain whether and how a nominee has been politically active. There can be no surprise that a sitting United States senator is politically active.”

Feinstein said another concern is that Sessions has not submitted the text of some speeches.

“Regarding the claim that several speeches were not included, of course you also know that we and our colleagues are frequently called upon to speak at a variety of constituent and other events,” Grassley replied. “Senator Sessions explained that he made his best effort to identify and locate copies of such remarks where available.”

The committee chairman added that Sessions produced all items requested in the questionnaire.

Grassley noted that past Cabinet nominees have not been able to provide transcripts for every speech they ever gave. And, he said, Obama’s first attorney general, Eric Holder,  “supplemented his questionnaire materials several times.”

“In December 2008 alone, Attorney General Holder supplemented his questionnaire responses with more than 200 items of information,” Grassley said.

Ken McIntyre and Sarah Sleem contributed to this report.

Commentary by Rachel del Guidice, the Daily Signal