#but also? taken slightly more seriously it is objectively a great and hysterical concept

[philtstone]

[definitely not rehearsed, totally spontaneous prompt-giver voice] Sam & Bucky, "nudging the other one"

[definitely not rehearsed, totally spontaneous prompt responder voice] here, have some uninhibited nonsense

"Just be normal about it."

"I am being normal about it."

"You are not bein' normal about it. This is the opposite of normal, oh my God --"

"Is everything alright?" asks their host.

Their host, who happens to be the King of Wakanda. Sure, Sam spent plenty of time in this country as an international fugitive, but he's never been formally invited to Royal Dinner before.

He stops hissing annoyed jibes through the side of his teeth and offers T'Challa his most winning smile.

"Everything's fine."

Bucky glowers. Like he's been doing for the last three hours. Sam wishes one of them had had the power of prophetic vision or something, so he didn't have to open his big fat mouth five minutes after the talon fighter got into the air and he was trapped with the most betrayed version of his best friend in a tin can in the air for a hundred minutes at a time.

T'Challa raises a single eyebrow. Sam aggressively nudges Bucky's unfortunately unyielding arm with his elbow and tries not to wince. 

Bucky says, "Fine," through the most obviously gritted teeth in the world.

"Hm," says the Queen Mother. Of literal, actual, Wakanda. Sam could be cranking up the charm right now, getting his flirt on, but no, he's having dinner with the giant White thundercloud hovering at his now-bruised arm. Vibranium and discrete elbow nudges do not mix, which Sam finds personally offensive. "How are the plantains, Captain Wilson?" asks Queen Ramonda. "Have you tried them? Chef Thebe is trying a new recipe, and I understand you know something about cooking."

"A little, yeah," says Sam, trying not to make it too obvious that he's rubbing his elbow.

"James?" prompts Queen Ramonda, pointedly.

"The plantains are obviously great," Bucky grits out, as brightly as a person possibly can when their whole face remains in a determinedly distraught position.

Sam pushes some food around on his plate. Ramonda tilts her chin and takes a long drink of wine from her glass. T’Challa, clearing his throat lightly, opens his mouth –

"A lot of things in life should be obvious," Sam says, before he can stop himself.

King T'Challa's other eyebrow joins the first, and Ramonda pauses with her fork halfway to her mouth. Sam regrets every decision he's ever made as Bucky's bottom jaw drops open like a real life version of that dumb Pokémon meme Sarah's kids love so much.

"Obvious? We’re talking about a betrayal of trust here, Samuel." 

“I was encouraging your hobbies! That’s a thing good friends do!”

“You just sat there, and watched me – we had multi-national video calls with that fucking thing in the background –”

"It was a joke, man!" Sam splutters. He figures spluttering is a perfectly acceptable response to this. "I thought you'd have figured it out in like ten minutes! How did you not figure it out in like ten minutes!"

"That’s not the point!" Bucky says, crossing his arms and looking miserable. "No way! Six months! Six months. You watched me mist that thing for six months --"

“Excuse me for imagining that the most dangerous assassin of the twentieth century would’a noticed the physical makeup of a gag gift his dumbass friend bought him. I thought you were playing along!”

“For six months?!” Bucky says, now red around the ears. “God I can’t believe you. I can’t believe –”

“It was a funny joke. It was a funny joke, okay? I thought we were both in on the joke! You’re acting like I killed your cat or somethin’ –”

“Who also watched me mist that plant for six months!” says Bucky, more aggrieved now than ever. He waves one hand in the air in a very New York-flavoured gesture of emphasis; T’Challa visibly chokes over a bite of his appetizer and has to bring a napkin up to his face to hide it – “She probably thinks I’m some kinda giant idiot now –”

Which is just unfair, and Sam wishes more than ever he hadn't said anything in the first place but Bucky'd been so clearly concerned that he was leaving his slow-growing windowsill collection of plants unattended for more than twenty-four hours --

“Gentleman,” says the King, recovering from his recent brush with near-asphyxiation; his voice is slightly strained, though Sam can’t say that isn’t from the poorly concealed amusement dancing in his eyes. “Perhaps you would like to desist from airing out any embarrassing personal stories in the minutes before Shuri arrives to dinner.”

Sam’s mouth snaps shut with an audible click and Bucky’s eyes widen comically in alarm.

Ramonda says,

“Fa, you are not serious, I know what this must be. Mahlubandile. Surely this is not about the little plastic house plant that sits on your window ledge in calls.”

"What?" Bucky chokes.

She turns with regal innocence to Sam. “I see it every so often when he has conferences with Shuri or the Dora. I did not realize it was a gift, Captain. The pot is quite beautiful.”

There is a long moment of stunned silence that is only broken by T’Challa, when he gives up all pretense and begins laughing properly into his lap, his napkin held between pinched fingers against his forehead. Sam brings a slow hand up to hold against the bridge of his nose. Bucky looks nothing short of poleaxed.

This all happens just in time for Shuri to flounce into the room, out of breath and skidding.

“Sorry I am late, uMama! What have I missed?”

“Nothing important,” says Ramonda severely. “But really, Shuri, to work this late when we have guests. Tcha. Sit, and behave. Now, Captain, you were telling me about the food in Louisiana. I am sure it is most flavourful …”

**

Mahlubandile -- term of endearment; the clan has increased by one (affectionate)