#but basically just gonna be on semi-hiatus again for a bit

[jgracie]

hi guys!!! i would like to speak to u all ab smth i’ve been thinking ab for a while 🤍 please please read

tldr: leaving for a few days, mutuals feel free to ask for @ for secret blog

ok so i’m gonna be completely honest w u all 😣 for months now my mental health has not been the best. ik it obv won’t show on the internet (and irl either because i’m not that type of person) but i’m in a bad place in my life rn. i’ve been pushing thru it but today i received some news that was kind of the final straw for me 😭 (it’s not life threatening or anything it’s just super disappointing for me)

i feel like because of this + stressing over exams for months i’ve kind of lost who i am as a person ?? if u know what i mean ??? and i need nth more than to reset and find myself again because honestly i’ve been making decisions and doing and thinking things that i know aren’t who i am as a person and don’t align w myself and it’s really bothering me but i haven’t done anything ab it and it’s become an endless loop

today was awful for me tho and so i’ve decided to take a break from all social medias 😣 i’ve alr deleted insta and tiktok cz they’re my main issues but i fear this is a social media too. i don’t want to fully leave because honestly this place isn’t that much of an issue for me & u guys rly make me feel better but i can’t do anything halfway LOL so basically what i’m trying to say is i will be taking a break from this blog and my main ( @gentlehue )! ik i already said i’m on semi hiatus but that’s more posting content w this i mean posting in general so this blog will be mostly inactive

i dont think it’ll be very long!!! a few days at most just for me to reset my brain and fix my mindset 🙏🏼 however i do have a secret blog made so that i can talk to my mutuals still because i love u guys SOOO much and i can’t just leave u like that so if we r mutuals feel free to ask for the @ of that blog (i’ll be going by my irl nickname on there so don’t question the name LOL)

i’ll stay checking this blog today and tomorrow just to answer asks and post the buzzcut jason drabble i promised but after that i’ll be gone for a little bit

i’m so sorry it’s come to this but i feel like i’m losing it and if i don’t do this i’ll lose track of everything ☹️

love u sososo much, cynthia

[cheegu3]

Hello! I really like your yandere works, especially the Treasure ones. I was wondering if I could request a yandere! Treasure reaction to the reader being really needy for their affection please and thank you? 😁

thank you! I hope u like it 🖤

tw / trigger warning: yandere themes, abusive relationships, possessiveness, alcohol, nicknames, swearing

note: back from a semi-hiatus, life’s been kinda crazy but hopefully I can get back into writing again, I can’t promise I’ll be super active though since I will probably just post whenever I feel like it!!

pc: jessicaescanosanchez, anddrtm, 6ruto, ilovdubu, chscore, adinant4e, asa0hi, hana1jo, mjk_195, fairyinapril, chocorry, tresn_

~ Treasure - reaction to reader being needy for their affection ~

Hyunsuk

He was a bit surprised, expecting it to take way longer for you to initiate or even want his affection. It still made him very happy though, and he’d cherish the moments you would spend together; it somehow felt a little bit more special if you had asked for it.

Hyunsuk would feel as if everything he had done, every time he hurt you and all the trouble he had to go through to get where you were now - was all worth it. He had dreamt so long for this moment, it almost felt unreal.

But beware that if you get too clingy and get in the way of his work you might piss him off and get punished instead, he didn’t care if that meant he’d have to wait a few weeks to get you into a cuddle-mood again.

‘‘ Are you done with work now? ‘‘ your face lit up when you noticed your boyfriend finally closing down his laptop.

He scoffed, his face breaking out into a smile at your adorableness. 

‘‘ Yeah, have you missed me? ‘‘

You nodded and came over to give him a hug.

Jihoon

Not at all surprised - he had carefully isolated and manipulated you into seeing him a certain way, more specifically your ideal type.

He knew that after sometime of pursuing you, you’d become absolutely obsessed with him. Sometimes, he’d lay at night picturing you driving yourself crazy wondering what he was doing at that moment, or what he had done to you to make you feel that way.

And soon enough you did cave in - showing up at his house and confessing your love for him. He’d try to act cool about it, normal and surprised as if he didn’t know anything.

You being needy would boost his ego, he would look down on you with such a satisfied smirk that you almost regretted begging like that. Yet, you couldn’t stop yourself from doing it over and over. It was like he had put a spell on you.

‘‘ I’m gonna go hang out with my friends now, I’ll be back at about 12. You can go to bed before me ‘‘ he said monotonically - as if he didn’t know how you’d react, he had done it on purpose of course.

You groaned.

‘‘ What! But why? Can’t you stay here and spend the evening with me? ‘‘ you internally cursed yourself for the way your voice went a pitch higher and turned into a sort of whine.

Jihoon couldn’t stop the smirk from forming as he watched you beat yourself up. He felt satisfied knowing he had you wrapped around his finger.

Yoshi

He feels too embarrassed to show he likes it, as if it would somehow ruin his pride if his stoic mask slipped and showed a small smile - so instead he’d act indifferent to it, he gave you attention and affection when you asked for it but not too much and while doing so he tried not to show how pleased he was, basically jumping around on the inside.

You knew though but kept it to yourself, you had caught him blushing or smiling to himself once he thought you were out of sight - but knowing he’d beat the shit out of you if you teased him about it or brought it up, you kept quiet.

The first time you had seen it was after you had been pushed off his lap when Yoshi thought you had cuddled him enough.

‘‘ I have stuff to do ‘‘ he grunted, forcefully pulling you off.

You rolled your eyes, slightly hurt by his rejection but obeyed regardless, in fear of him punishing you.

That’s when you saw it; his reflection in the mirror that was standing on his desk showed him smiling widely while keeping his head down.

Your heart beat loudly while just seeing it and you secretly smiled to yourself too as you left the room, having been ushered out for the second time.

Junkyu

He’s just over the moon. There’s nothing better to him than having you be clingy and seeing you want or need his affection and love.

Sometimes he was scared he’d come across as obsessed or lovesick, potentially leading to scaring you away and make you stop wanting it. Because of this, your boyfriend didn’t wear his heart on his sleeve all the time, only showing some excitement and love.

To an outsider he would just look like any other boyfriend - sporting a cheesy grin when you were pouring your heart out while out and drunk or offering you his jacket when you were cold. Junkyu was a little proud of how good of an actor he had become.

‘‘ I...I’m so grateful for you ‘‘ you said slowly, looking up groggily at your boyfriend.

The alcohol was rushing through your body making you feel more bold, carefree and loving. He gave you his signature smile in answer and wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you closer. 

Then he scanned the room to see if any of the guys were eying you and smirked whenever he’d get eye-contact with one of them; knowing that you belonged to him.

Mashiho

Being naturally suspicious of you, this would strike him as you trying to manipulate your way into getting more freedom so you could run away - why else would you do it?

Logically he’d try to reason with himself several times, arriving at the conclusion that why would anyone want affection or love a partner that treated them like he did? Mashiho wasn’t delusional. 

He knew of other people’s relationships and the dynamics that come into play. He also knew of what was right and wrong. So did he feel bad then for being abusive? - no.

Therefor, always seeing things from your point of view made him feel confused in this situation like what was your ultimate goal or what would you gain by doing this?

‘‘ Babe? ‘‘ 

Your call down the hall received no answer. Furrowing your eyebrows, you walked down it to see if your boyfriend really was in his office or if he had ignored you.

‘‘ Mashiho? ‘‘ you tried again as you stopped in front of his office.

It was open and you saw his back turned to you. He was sitting at his desk, turning only his head at the sound of you voice.

‘‘ Yes, what do you want? ‘‘ 

His cold tone caught you off guard.

‘‘ I was wondering...if I could sit in your lap, maybe ‘‘ you said, carefully watching his back to see how he’d react. 

He scoffed to himself, not failing to notice your sad expression at this in the mirror.

‘‘ What do you really want? ‘‘

Jaehyuk

He was also happy and paranoid, but unlike Mashiho it wasn’t that extreme to the point where he couldn’t even enjoy those moments you shared.

The more you do it the less suspicious or scared he’ll be every time. It felt scary at first because it felt like you had it all figured out and was only asking for affection since you felt guilty. 

It was a stupid and insecure thought, he knew that and he even told you by around the 4-5th time that he felt paranoid and weird about it. When you explained that you actually wanted his affection and that it was your only motive - that made him a little bit more comfortable and relaxed.

Jaehyuk would from that point on initiate contact a lot more often, as well as doing small things for you like buying you flowers or food - any way he could show his love really.

‘‘ I got you something ‘‘ 

You looked up from your phone curiously and then came over to look at what his eyes had previously been looking at.

His eyes sparkled as he looked at you full with love. He couldn’t wait for you to open it, knowing you would love it.

And you did! 

Your shined with happiness as you looked at the box with your favourite food in it, packed nicely next to a card that said ‘’ I hope you enjoy, love Jae :) ‘’.

Asahi

He felt embarrassed that the sudden change and any neediness from you made him blush visibly. You’d tease him about it, making him turn even more red. 

But his heart felt happy, happier than ever before. Any time you’d look at him with those puppy-eyes, he’d fold; ready to do whatever you wanted and smiling as you both enjoyed it.

Asahi’s love language was physical touch so you can imagine how long he had craved this - spending most of his time zoning out while daydreaming about the day that you accepted him and wanted his love - even doing it at work, which he’d gotten in trouble for a few times.

‘‘ I’m done now, want to make dinner? ‘‘ your boyfriend asked, smiling warmly down at you.

Your eyes lit up and you hurried over to the kitchen counter.

‘‘ Can you hug me first? ‘‘ you said playfully, having craved affection all day from being separated.

His facade fell down immediately, cheeks quickly turning red and an uncontrollable smirk plastered on his face.

Yedam

Expect to get love-bombed - showered in gifts, acts of service, kisses, hugs and compliments until it gets almost suffocating.

Yedam had waited a long time for you to show any want for affection so when you did he took it as that you fully embraced him and loved him back. Hence, the love-bombing and clinginess.

It would subside after some time if you stopped being as affectionate back. He’d take a step back and realise it was doing the opposite to what he wanted, and he missed you initiating it and asking for it instead.

He had always been ‘’ too much ‘’ in relationships. Scaring them away with his extreme obsessions and idealisations that his partners often didn’t live up to - but all you needed to do was reassure him that you two were okay and he’d tone it down.

Your boyfriend gave you another kiss, the fourth since he said he was in a hurry and leaving. You couldn’t stop yourself from rolling your eyes, almost cringing as his lips touched yours yet again; this didn’t go unnoticed by Yedam who immediately drew back and stared at you.

‘‘ Why the fuck did you do that for? ‘‘

You felt your breath get caught in your throat, scared that he was angry.

‘‘ We can...talk about it when you get home, but you’re late please go! ‘‘

Doyoung

This guy also idealises you a ton. He thinks you’re the most important, beautiful and amazing person to ever grace this earth. 

He would do anything for you - so naturally he’d freak out over this new version of you. One he never expected to come no matter how long he’d wait for it. Doyoung had prepared for you to hate him for the rest of your life because of your yandere situation but he was okay with that, whatever meant he could be close to you.

So this was huge - if you did that, then that must mean he’s special to you. Maybe he is even up there with being an angel gracing the earth just like you were in his mind.

‘‘ D-did I do something different, why, why now? ‘‘ your head whipped up to look at your boyfriend.

It was the first time you had just walked up to him and hugged him and his reaction was somewhat expected. His eyes looked wide and crazed, as if his mind was going at a thousand miles per second.

‘‘ I-I don’t know what I did...’‘ he was ignoring you, talking to himself and then the grin that spread across his face as he did so, creeped you out so much you had to get out of his hold.

Haruto

He was indifferent, maybe even a bit disgusted. You were mostly a sadistic game to him and nothing more. Maybe he did love you underneath all that complicated psychoticness but he wasn’t sure how to deal with that.

Similarly to the others, he’d be suspicious. Treating you horribly, one could only expect the opposite response right? So why now? Why would you ask him to hold you when you were sleeping - why would you ask him to kiss you before he left every morning?

Perhaps you knew he loved you deep down and wanted to get a reaction or to punish him for how he’d treated you. His coldness wouldn’t change, however he would do what you asked; trying to reason with himself that the butterflies that sparked up any time he did, was just a normal reaction.

‘‘ I love you ‘‘ you buried your face into his arms lovingly, feeling extra affectionate that morning.

Maybe it was due to him going away for a few days but normally that would make you excited as it was the perfect opportunity to escape.

‘‘ Why aren’t you saying it back? ‘‘ your voice sounded embarrassingly whiny, which Haruto of course noticed.

‘‘ Shut up ‘‘ he said sternly. 

And just like that your cuteness was gone and rejected, he pushed you off of him and walked away like you meant nothing to him.

Jeongwoo

He knew it would happen sooner or later due to his hard work, but it was still a huge surprise when one day it just came.

Jeongwoo had been away for a few months touring, only occasionally being able to facetime you or visit in between. Every day had become monotone and his guards watched you closely; meaning you couldn’t escape, only accept your current situation. 

After a while it started to become lonely too. You missed having someone to talk to, be woken up by or have meals with. You missed even the petty fights and his laugh and voice.

They say the heart grows fonder when apart so maybe that’s what made you run into his arms with a big smile on your face when he finally returned home.

Your boyfriend froze - not used to this version of you. Then he relaxed and leaned into it.

When he pulled away to look at you, he looked happier than you’d ever seen him, a look of longing like he had missed you terribly in his eyes.

‘‘ Finally you’ve missed me ‘‘ 

Junghwan

A mix of all the members. Sort of confused and caught off guard - his age meant he had less experience with romantic situations and he hadn’t received much affection or love from dating before.

Since this was all new, he’d go to his hyungs to ask for advice. It was a sort of bonding experience since it forced Junghwan to be vulnerable - but their kind words quickly made him warmer to you each day that passed by.

It would start out small; the first time you kissed his cheek he’d awkwardly squirm away and probably leave for a few hours talking to his hyungs, making you wonder what you did wrong.

The next morning he took you out on a walk and at the end of it he’d do what you had done, kiss your cheek. His cheeks heated up immediately and he cleared his throat, looking away at whatever was in sight to distract himself long enough until the redness was gone, so he could face you again.

Your cheeks almost hurt so much from smiling.

‘‘ Thank you ‘‘ was all you could say, happy he could relieve you of your worries from the day before.

[medicallymercury]

About Time - Casualty Hiatus Thoughts - Part 1/?

I used to include real life updates in my episode reviews. I think I’m ill and it’s really bad timing for like a bunch of stuff I need to get done over the next two weeks so I’m mainly writing this to try and make myself feel less like a deflated balloon. I guess I miss Casualty now? But also I don’t really want it back because I really don’t trust that I’ll like where it goes next. I have things I really should be doing but instead I'm typing this up and finding a way to look at AO3 on my Switch Lite.

I feel like I’ve been putting off typing this up for two reasons. One, it’s a lot of energy to put my Casualty thoughts into semi-coherent words, especially in between writing stuff for uni, because in my head my Casualty thoughts are mostly just “I’m so nauseous about the pretend paramedics”. Two, my thoughts are almost exclusively about the paramedics, specifically mostly about Teddy, and for some reason I’m worried about coming across obsessive? BREAKING NEWS: Autistic Person Is Obsessive About Special Interest, More At Ten! Like, yeah, I do sound like Teddy is all I think about, because he kind of is all I think about lately. I’ve been feeling more self conscious about it lately, I guess, but I trust that anyone also still hanging around in the Casualty fandom this far into the hiatus can’t be all that different from me and therefore won’t judge me.

Also, there's no connecting theme in this post. The theme is 'things that have been on my mind during the hiatus' and that's quite varied and random so I might seem like I'm jumping between topics a lot.

Having written this post now, I worry parts of it come across very critical of Teddy who is my beloved favourite character. If I like a character, they’re gonna get picked apart and they’re rarely gonna come out of it 100% positive. I love him and I think he’s such a great character who has been a very kind and sweet person throughout his existence in Casualty that’s kind of being forgotten a bit right now. I also think he has done objectively bad things recently but he’s also going through a lot and I’m very sympathetic about that. So if this post comes across negative about him: I love and feel very :( for him, I just also love hating on my faves.

The BBC actually personally attacked me by making Sah and Teddy go through weird-queer-friendship breakup while I was using them to cope with my own weird-queer-friendship breakup. Now, Spotify is continuing the personal attack by playing Night Shift and The Frost whenever I'm on my commute. I cannot start crying over the pretend paramedics on this train, but also you've got a 9-to-5, so I'll take the night shift and I'll never see you again if I can help it and you're not here to see, it's just witness-less me. The overall polyfailure songs are I Bet On Losing Dogs and Cool About It, I do have a playlist but I did not plan to start going on about it in this post. Sah and Teddy are on my mind as they have been since I got back into Casualty (and kinda before then), I don't really ship them in the typical sense except for when it's also with Paige but their canon relationship is so interesting. They act like they're just mates or whatever, and then act about and towards each other in a way that they don't with any other person. My go-to way of describing it is that they're a little weird about each other. I appreciate that, at least until the end of Driving Force, they're still a little weird about each other. Proposing to your girlfriend out of immense jealousy towards your best friend who you basically won't talk to anymore is kinda weird, quitting your job over your best friend doing that is maybe less weird but they're both still making major decisions based on each other. I also really love how certain parts of their series 36 storylines are written as these paired opposites but that's another post. Big thing on my mind is the idea that Teddy can't really pretend he never cared about Sah, he can't forget about them because he got shot for them and (for all that Casualty will absolutely forget it happened) that's gonna leave a scar, he can't ever get away from them and he won't forget their birthday ever again! Like, I can't get a Greggs without thinking of my weird friendship, can he exist without thinking of Sah? I'm! miserable! about! them! They're so incredibly Planet of Love and Wishbone by Richard Siken, except the guy getting shot in those poems is actually also called Theodore.

[The particularly them parts. Let's not talk about it!! Let's just not talk!!!]

On the topic of Teddy getting shot, I said I was gonna rewatch the start of Welcome to the Warzone so I can post episode reviews for all of that miniseries and then I did not do that. I’ve mostly been rewatching random series 36 episodes. I’ve been thinking a lot about With a Bullet, though. It’s the episode that dragged me properly back into Casualty but I always forget how busy it is? There’s so much happening that it kinda annoys me. At the core of the episode you’ve got a lot of great stuff with the paramedics that helps to establish stuff for later on in WTTW and Driving Force but then there’s all this other stuff also happening around it that is just not relevant. I honestly think the episode would be exponentially better if they just let it be a paramedic centric episode in the style of Is The Patient Breathing?. Cut back all the non-paramedic stuff (and anything in that episode about Iain and Faith, we got enough of that stuff in every other episode) and just have a couple of storylines happening around Teddy getting shot. Specifically, just focus on Teddy and Jan (and Gethin) to set up everything that has happened with Gethin, Teddy and Sah to set up everything that has happened with Paige, and Jacob and Iain to properly establish where Jacob is at in the team and like generally. Shove the other stuff into other episodes. Anyway, my point is that With a Bullet is on my mind cause it technically does a good job at setting these things up but is held back by everything else going on.

Switzerland has got me thinking a lot about the Jan-Teddy Wider Family Tree™ on so many levels:

I think it fits into this theme of Teddy not really being taken seriously or being perceived as having maturity by his family. Not being taken seriously is such a consistent thing with Teddy that it's actually very hard to concisely talk about it, there's so many tangents and even like his name is a diminutive. I think it's been something that's built up to this point where he's trying to prove people wrong and make them take him seriously. That's kind of where I think the proposal comes from. But with his family, his anger in Switzerland, to me, is about being kept out of stuff because they don't really think he is mature enough to get it. And I do think Teddy would have come to accept Gethin's decision like Jan did if he had been included. Teddy being seen as immature is dragged back up by Jan when she tells him to grow up after he wants to give Gethin the benefit of the doubt in With a Bullet, and it's interesting to me that it's this like kindness and forgiveness that is perceived as being immature. Honestly, when you get that family together they do kind of struggle to be consistently nice to each other for very long, except for maybe Teddy who has actually been the one trying mediate a lot before. So when he's saying all this pretty horrible stuff in the argument in Switzerland, isn't that kind of maturity by these standards? He's jumping between saying very actually childish things and saying stuff that is comparable to the stuff Gaynor says to Jan. Honestly, ignore this section, I really feel like I can't effectively express what I'm thinking but there was an attempt.

I've got 'Teddy as Son 2.0' on my mind but it makes me nauseous to try and talk about it. Replacement son and replacement mother but in way that is as concerning as it is sweet. I started to think about it in Aftermath but it really came out full force in the final episodes of Driving Force. Specifically, Jan’s “What am I going to tell Ross?… And Teddy?” moment in Switzerland and the differences in how Gethin responds to those questions. Just bringing the two of them up in the same context like that. But looking back, this has been developing for a while. In With a Bullet, you’ve got Jan saying almost exactly what Gaynor said to Teddy in Break Your Heart and then cutting herself off and saying what she had said to him in that episode instead. (Actually, she even said in Break Your Heart that she loves Teddy as if he’s her own and then Gaynor gives us the only direct comparison ever made between Teddy and Ross: “Well he’s not, thank goodness. Look how well your’s turned out…”.) All the way back at the start of series 36, you have Teddy showing up and trying to get Jan and Ffion back together when they had separated over Ross stuff. Their stuff in Is The Patient Breathing? is explicitly about Jan being harsh on Teddy because she doesn’t want to lose him like she lost Lev and Fenisha, but also literally everything they get called to in that episode is to do with drugs in some way. Honestly, a couple years from now, I wouldn’t mind another storyline with Ross if it also involved Teddy. I am interested in what they might do there. Sure, they have like a 10 year age difference but my cousin is 11 years older than me and we still spent time together when I was a kid - the fact that Gethin immediately recognises Teddy when he sees him makes me think there must have been a period of relative okay-ness for the family when Teddy was very young. I think I just want to get all of them in a room and do Jeremy Kyle on them.

I've also been thinking about the Chekhov's Gun moment that is "you know what it was like when my parents were divorcing" from Broken. Maybe Jan does, but we don't. Teddy's parents' seemingly not-amicable divorce feels relevant to him rushing into marrying Paige. Also, I just enjoy the vaguely-still-alive-and-out-there-ness of Teddy's dad. What's he up to? Has he not been at all interested in all the times Teddy has nearly died in the past couple years? I expect that eventually the writers will pull him out for a storyline and I am interested in what they might do there too but I'm honestly too attached to my headcanons in that area now.

I’ve edited this in but I wanted it in here. I was looking at Teddy’s birthday on onthisday.com and Bring It All Back was number 1 in the UK charts that day. I’ve got this ridiculous headcanon that Sah and Teddy both really enjoy S Club so I am very pleased with that.

Let's end controversially, my Casualty hot takes. This one I think is reasonable; I don't like how certain parts of the fandom (...Twitter) act about their favourite characters. There's this sort of outright refusal to acknowledge that your favourite character can ever be in the wrong and it annoys me for two reasons. First, every other character ends up being judged on the basis of how they treat your favourite character which is a very interesting way to watch the show. Second, a lot of the time it leads to that favourite character being oversimplified. Good people can do bad things sometimes. Good characters usually do bad things sometimes. I love Teddy but I can acknowledge that he's been a prick lately while also considering the reasons behind his behaviour. I love Sah but maybe kissing Paige wasn't brilliant of them and maybe that's okay. I think my annoyance about this might be more to do with the fact that I'm not really as interested in a lot of the characters that seem to be fan-favourites over there. This one I think makes me a bad Casualty fan; I would not watch it if it was just about treating patients. Everytime they make an episode about them just being professionals and treating patients (like How To Save A Life), I see people saying they wish Casualty was always like that and... I don't! I love those episodes and I think they're important and really well made and actually fit into the series very well. And I do think those episodes can contribute to the characters as professionals, I often wish the show made it feel like their jobs were more relevant to who they are as people. But if it was always just about that, I would just watch one of those ambulance documentary shows instead. I'm here for the characters, I'm here for the drama, I'm here for Hamlet in a hospital and I feel like every episode being about them actually doing their jobs might get in the way of that. Similarly, I don't get when people complain about the characters doing stuff that "would never happen in a real hospital" because it isn't a real hospital. Suspend your disbelief.

[lilweaselhub]

Blog updates!! (10/7) Applying to all blogs!!!

Hey! so I know I have been kind of absent for a hot minute. allow me to explain.

LONG POST, but PLEASE read if were mutuals!

Basically, about a month ago I started having some not so fun health symptoms (Pain, legargy hematuria (ill let google be your friend there) ). At first I thought i had a bad uti or another infection of some kind. The symptoms were on and off and I went to two appts at a clinic. First time said I had a UTI prescribed me medicine and sent me on my way. They ended up changing the antibiotic midway through saying it wasnt right. (This will be important later. ) 

 So i took it, thinking they knew what they were talking about. But less than a week later the symptoms came back worse than before. I ended up going back to the clinic, who because when I was there, had no symptoms they could see (Thanks body.) They sent me home.  Fast forward about two days later,and it gets bad enough to go to my first Emergency room visit. They proceed to tell me the antibiotics werent going to treat a UTI of Any Kind (Amazing), but give me new medicine and send me home.  

   So there I am, taking medicines thinking, surely---this will be the end of it. 

                       It was not.

Literally 24 hours later, I wake up in the WORST pain I have ever experienced in my life, unable to stop heaving, literally begging for it to stop. Back I end up at the hospital, who give me morphine (the pain was that bad.) and nausea medicine, and tell me after an MRI that lo and behold, a kidney stone is whats causing my pain.  One i cannot feesibly pass on my own. So they scheduled me for surgery. (That was the 28th). 

            Since, ive been recovering from said surgery over the past week. Its been on and off how I’ve felt and I’ve only really felt consistently better since wednesday. Ive still had a lot of nausea and pain. (Todays a bit of a bummer outlier cus im feeling some pain again).  I still have  till the 20th before I even get the stent removed they put in my kidney (fun). So Im still on a long road to recovery. But HOPEFULLY this will be IT, and it will be the last bout of recovery I have to worry about and I’ll be back in business as usual in a month. 

So what does this mean for rp on my blogs?

Well. I’m gonna be real, I miss rping a lot. But I havent felt great or really up to much of anything since this started. while its improving, its still very low in terms of energy, motivation and feeling well.

  Because of this, I’m going to say my blogs are on SEMI-HIATUS until 11/10. (This is a preliminary date as It may be pushed back or forward depending on how fast i recover). This does not mean I will do NO rps, but i will be doing a lot LESS. There will be days where I’m not here at all, sometimes several in a row. && I will be likely only doing short replies/asks until I’m back in the swing of things.

                            ***A little add on to this: I will be getting my next furbaby a golden retriever puppy between the 5th-9th of november. This will also CUT my activity but hopefully not as much as this health fiasco has been. I will be sharing pictures of him too when I get back dont even worry. He’s gonna be a spoiled lil bugger. but just in case i push the date further, or seem still low activity after the hiatus is over, this is probably why.

As always feel free to still send  me asks, or IMs. Or you can message me for my discord if you’d like to plot or talk! I’m still here, and I want to be here. I just didn’t account for a health emergency this year. 2022 has been a LOT for me. 

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

Hey guys, Knox here *waves*

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am, in fact, majorly Burnt Out. I have been for a while I think, so I will be taking a break from Monkie Kid and fandom content in general until I’m back on my feet.

I’ll still be watching the episodes, but I won’t be doing any reaction posts or analysis 

My ask box will be closed 

I may still be creating some sort of content for myself but there’s no guarantee I’ll be posting it regularly 

I won’t be consuming other people’s content or art or reacting to them on tumblr much or in discord servers

I need to put some distance between me and fandom stuff and take some time away from creating and posting and consuming as well (even though I honestly haven’t been doing much of that in general at all lately anyways lol cause. y’know, burnout lgbsdl;kfmaew).

I won’t be completely gone. You might see me around a bit every one in a while. I’ll probably be answering the asks in my inbox that have been accumulating over the last while here and there, though some i might just straight up delete, (I apologize if you never see  yours answered.) I’ll be lurking more in servers than being active from now on to avoid burning myself out more with responding to every single message as I have the habit of attempting to do, but I’ll still be around. 

Feels kinda sudden, but it’s been a long time coming honestly lol. You can only go outside and lay on the concrete driveway for seven hours so many times before you realize you might not be all the way there bgkafmowe 

Wanted to thank y’all for your interaction, your asks, the tags and reblogs, and your support in general. It’s been lots and lots of fun and I hope you continue to have fun and have lots of good days. If anyone who knows me (i.e. mutuals, friends, buddies) needs me in servers feel free to @ me (my replies might be slow) or dm me personally <3 Responses to DM’s on tumblr will be slow. Please don’t DM me if we’ve never spoken before unless it’s important, thanks. 

Guess I’ll see you around o7 

Until… later. Yeah. Until later y’alls *waves* bye!! 

[tyunni]

sunghoon as your bf !! (random headcanons)

genre: fluff, angst if u squint. warnings: cursing, maybe some slip ups and english isnt my first language. a/n: AAAH I HAVENT POSTED A BF POST IN SO LONGGGG!! ever since i moved blogs man anyways i rlly hate this one but i have to clear my drafts. im still on semi-hiatus until further notice tho.

ure dating an asshole. thats not a hc that's a fact.

as we are all well aware, he tends to be shy at times, but he likes to mask up his shyness with cockiness.

hence why it's pretty easy but also pretty hard to catch him off guard.

"sunghoon? are you okay?? ur face is red-" "of course, i'm okAy!! *nervous giggles* are you okay tho?? doesn't it make u flustered standing next to the park sunghoon? the prettiest, sexiest and the most hands-"

pls slap the actual fuck out of him, or else he's not going to shut up.

that's his fake cockiness, but the real one jumps out when he actually makes you flustered.

he just loves seeing you all nervous and blushy, it boosts his ego.. maybe a tad bit too much...

winks at you, whispers tiny "i love you's" in your ear, rests his head on your shoulder, kisses your neck and then watches you melt under his gaze with a cheeky smirk plastered on his handsome face.

unpopular opinion maybe? but sunghoon would be a very playful boyfriend. he puts up this mature, cool and collected demeanor, but that ice cold persona simply crumbles the second you step into the room. he's just really whipped.

he could literally get so annoying tho, he just craves your attention. pokes your sides, lays on top of you, grabs you by the shoulders and aggressively shakes you, messes up your hair, pinches your cheeks, basically does anything so your undivided attention is on him and him only.

of course that doesn't apply for when you have to study or get some serious work done, he's respectful and will definitely understand that you have your own responsibilities to take care of.

but if you don't, and for some reason you aren't paying attention to him, your boyfriend, your happiness, the love of your life - tch, unbelievable. how dare you not be all over him 😒😒 - then he'll get whiney.

"y/nnnnnn, pay attention to me!!" "i'm watching tiktoks" "can i see that?? thanks" *powers off your phone* "now you aren't watching tiktoks 😋😋"

he's very much a hand holder. maybe it's just me and my obsession with his pretty hands, but i feel like he'd love it if you played with them. he has long fingers, so if you compared your hand sizes or something, he'd just melt. doesn't care if your hand is bigger, he just likes the feeling of your palm against his. it makes him feel warm and giddy inside.

mfs hands are always FREEZING THO!!! he ain't called ice prince for nothing huh?? gOD DAMN- 💀

his hands and feet?? ice cold. even if it's 10839284929491°'s outside and everyone is boiling alive, his hands will be freezing.

so be cautious, because he doesn't use his elsa powers for good (눈‸눈)

sunghoon likes to "surprise" you by sneaking up behind you and putting his cold ass hands on your warm neck.

will "kiss it better" tho 😋 totally not an excuse to have his lips on your neck, nope !!! he just firmly believes that his kisses are magical <(￣︶￣)>

did i mention he likes neck kisses?? oh i have????? well i'm gonna say it again.

not only does he love kissing your neck, he also loves it when you kiss his. it makes his heart flutter and he lets out the cutest giggles you have ever heard in your entire life.

claims that it's simply because it tickles, but the real reason is that you make his heart ache so much he can't help but laugh. any sort of contact with you makes him uncontrollably smile.

he's not big on PDA ig?? it just makes him feel uncomfortable when he's around other people, especially strangers.

EXCEPT!!!! when someone is flirting with you.

sunghoon is a pretty possessive boyfriend, obviously to an extent. he tends to get jealous a lot but tries to play it cool by going: "hah, he thought he really had a chance, huh?? i'm like.. 10x more handsome than he is."

but the way his grip on you tightens, him shifting closer to you by the second as he lets go of your hand and wraps his around your waist, glaring daggers at the guy in front of you who keeps miserably failing at trying to get your number says otherwise.

he likes kisses a lot. just the feeling of your lips on his is heavenly and he wouldn't trade it for the world.

your day starts with kisses and ends with kisses, that's just how it goes, i don't make the rules.

wakes you up by either smooching you all over your face, very aggressively might i add, or leaving gentle kisses on your collarbone.

the second you open your eyes he's pulling away and staring at you so adoringly, oh my god it melts my heart.

he thinks you're the most gorgeous/handsome human being that has ever walked on planet earth, even when your face is all puffy in the morning, drool all over your chin and hair all over the place. you're still perfect in his eyes.

asks for kisses back, even if you have morning breath. he doesn't give a fuck. sunghoon wants? sunghoon gets.

he also likes cuddles. cuddles you in your sleep, you have no other choice.

he's always the big spoon, but if you ask him nicely then he might change his ways for you once in a while.

remember when i mentioned his feet were cold?? yeah, that plays a big ass part rn-

he loves to tangle your legs together bcuz it both provides him warmth and makes him feel closer to you. you probably shriek and try to squirm away from him, but good luck with that 'cause he has an iron grip on you and isn't planning on letting go at all.

"JDJSBDJWDBJEBDNE SUNGHOON STOP DJEKFNEJDJ" "shhhhhhhh baby don't fight it."

buries his head in the crook of your neck. if it weren't for his breath tickling you, you would have thought he suffocated himself. LIKE HIS HEAD IS ALLLLL THE WAY IN THERE YK???

sunghoon is low-key hilarious when he's sleepy, though.

if he's sleep deprived enough, he gets super clingy!! and also says the stupidest shit one can come up with. like u literally can't make that shit up-

"nooooo don't go, im comfortable" "sunghoon i need to pee-" "then get a diaper smh"

if you want him to pass out and fall asleep fast, turn around to face him and play with his hair.

let him lay his head on your chest for better access, totally not because he likes listening to your heartbeat.

HIS. HAIR. IS. SO. FLUFFY. AND. SOFT.

run your fingers through his hair, massage his scalp and he's putty in your hands. give him a little forehead kiss as a cherry on top and he's over he moon. just loves it so much!!!!

kiss his nose. need i say more? just PECK IT.

your foreheads slightly touching as you stare into each others eyes lovingly, your noses rubbing lightly? sunghoon has ascended.

also ALSO ALSOALLSOSKDOAKDKW i can not stress this enough, cup his face in your hands, wait for him to flutter his eyes shut and then lightly peck his eyelids. you're doing gods work.

he compliments you soooo much oh my god it's so cute.

"sunghoon i look stupid." "no you're gorgeous :)" "i literally look like a clown are you fucking serious-" "yes. yes i am. you're beautiful shut up."

now even though he compliments the shit out of you, the second you compliment him he gets all blushy, it's adorable. tries to deny the fact that he is indeed a very pretty boy, because he can get insecure from time to time.

"you're so pretty, hoonie" "dkjsjd no?? hahahaha no am not haha... do you really mean it though? :("

you guys are the visual couple, no take backsies its true and you know it.

overall 11/10, boyfriend material, would recommend.

©tyunni please do not copy, translate or repost my work.

[illgiveyouahint]

I'm excited for your take on s7. I never thought I could be so disappointed by a druck season as I am now. So much wasted potential. Have you written give before?

Hello anon,

oh everyone is saying how they're excited which makes me even more nervous. I literally don't even know if I'll finish it. I have a tendency to abandon projects halfway through but I'm hoping that by talking about it here I will be pressured to finish it.

I also haven't been so disappointed by a druck season before, but also I consider all the previous druck seasons good with just like some not so great aspects. Like at least all the seasons before were consistent with what they set up. Sure they might have fucked up, but I never had to continuously think about what even are the themes of the season.

What's frustrating is the potential. Like you see all the elements were there. All the elements for a really good season were there. And then they just...didn't follow through on them.

As for my writing background...

I've never written anything this big before. Me and my best friend were a writing duo pretty much since we learned how to write. The longest thing we've written had about 40 pages I think (we were like 13, 14 and it was a story about a girl who can read minds. It was so silly. There was a best friend with an inflatable lounge door etc.). But on my own, I never had the perseverance to actually write anything long. Most of it was short and depressing. Also most of the time I'd much rather do something else. But then again once in a while I get struck by a muse and write like a short drabble or write like 2-3 pages of little something. But then once again I don't follow through on it to come back to it. But I have been meaning to get better at keeping at it. Which I guess this is also like an exercise if I can actually do it. It seems just small enough that I might do it, but also big enough that I will feel good about myself if I do finish it.

But also Druck has literally been the only show that I have ever written something for and actually published it for others to see it. So if you like wanna know how bad my writing skills are you can look here (which I wrote I think during like s3e3 or something, so it's a bit of canon divergence) and then I also wrote this after David came out to Matteo when we were all angry about Matteo's silence, and then I also found this little skam thing from back when we were in hiatus between s3 and s4. And I think that's all I ever released to the public. The rest is in my various notebooks that no one is ever gonna see or read or lost to time completely.

As for the Ismail's season - I have a basic idea of what the emotional beats are gonna be and where I want them to happen. I have a semi-detailed line up of episode 1, but I have to actually go rewatch and like transcribe some stuff from the clips that actually stays. I have two clips from episode 2 fully written up, and the rest is of the episode also semi-described what I want to happen in each clip.

The rest of it is just like some notes on things that happen later in the season etc. It's sitting at 2000 words right now. The thing is I tend to think about it while falling asleep which means that I either have to get up like 20 times to go write it down or, like yesterday, I started recording my thoughts with a recorder on my phone so that I don't forget what I want it to be. I'm gonna try to stick with it through the holidays and get like a few chapters/episodes in, and then I'd probably released some of it to know if anyone actually likes it.

This is probably more than you've asked for, but you know me. I always talk too much.

[neoheros]

— happy pride everybody!!! i’m gonna be going on a semi hiatus since i’ve been seeing writing as more of a chore rather than a hobby lately. june is an important month for me and i really want to take time to treat myself correctly! i’m probably gonna come back every once in a while when i feel like writing but other than that please don’t feel ignored !!

— i’m gonna be linking down below my favorite writers and pieces that deserve recognition and love because the way they write just absolutely stuns me!!

works i’d give a limb to read again for the first time because of the way it was written !!

sensitive by @writingbakery : tamaki amajiki x reader, smut — this stole my heart, when i say that i reread it over and over again because it just dripped in emotion and talent !!

the baby-sitters club by @kiyasuno : iwaizumi hajime x reader, fluff — this was the first thing i read from rosie and it absolutely stole my heart. she wrote it so well and i still take the time to reread when i’m feeling down !!

jealous boys with a s/o as a cheerleader by @volleychumps : akaashi, kuroo, kageyama, iwaizumi x reader, fluff — i loved reading this so much, it had me laughing and smiling so fricken hard !! the content was a 100/10 !!

sidekick by @jackrrabbit : dabi, shigaraki x reader, smut — uhm reading this was an actual ride like holy crap thank you for the butterflies ?? ahahahaha i will have dreams about this for weeks !! the way this was written stole my heart too like omfg ????

antisocial socialites by @plusultrawritings : todoroki x reader, fluff — i am a simp for the entire concept of this and honestly when i reread it to analyze the writing i? my heart. it’s yours now. you wrote this !! so WELL !!

giggling while kissing hcs by @cutietobio : yamaguchi, tsukishima, kageyama, kuroo, lev x reader, fluff/suggestive — i LOVED reading this so fricken much !!! this was so fun and happy and yet so adorable at the same time ?? chefs kisses for you madame !

at arrival by @heroprose : katsuki bakugo x reader, fluff — THIS OMFGWISJ i’m really fricken sure that this is still my favorite piece to have ever read ??? i just love how xue wrote this and i’ve fallen for every letter that she types. talent at its finest !!!!!

tiktok au by @burnedbyshoto : bakugo x reader, fluff — two things; the content and the way it was written !! i sound like a broken record but holy crap, this was written so well and so beautifully ?? the content itself is a chefs kiss on its own but i’m a sucker for well written hcs and !!! you served !!!

kenma as a boyfriend hcs by @babiekeiji : kenma kozume x reader, fluff — probably one of the firsts i’ve read when i started stabbing haikyuu and oh my god ?? i still get butterflies when i think about it !! it’s so pretty and soft !!

boy, do i wanna take you home by @shoutotodorokiisicyhot : aizawa x reader, fluff — i fell in LOVE when i read this like first of all the way you worded it was already heartwarming enough but then the content itself made me fall for aizawa even more !!

impossible year by @bokunokangae : tamaki amajiki x reader, fluff — this made me feel on a different level ??? the sentences ?? the simplicity ????? holy ???? written in a way that’s been engraved in my heart because it is just so fricken beautiful !!

writers who made me fall in love with every word that they type

@dorkyama — remy’s got a way with words that make everything she writes an absolute wonder to read ! her content has always been a personal favorite and i will never forget how talented she is when it comes to structuring sentences !!

@kozukens — mui’s an actual dream. when i tell you that she can turn anything into something beautiful and poetic, i mean it ! her writing sends chills down my spine almost always and it’s just so gorgeously written that it assures you of how pretty her mind must be.

@kiyasuno — rosie’s way of writing has always entrapped me in a way where i’m left in awe ?? she can deliver an entire story with such elegance that you’re gonna want to reread the entire thing over and over again ?? that is raw talent.

@heroprose — xue has mastered the art of simplicity and elegance ! she inspired me to make this blog and every letter that she types will always make me shudder because her writing has a knack of being so beautiful that it sends chills down my spine. i adore every single one of her works !!

@jojosmilktea — jojo is so talented especially in ways where she wants to convey the story in the most beautiful sentences. her tamaki content will always be the ones i choose to reread when i’m sad and it’ll always hit different because !!! it’s so beautiful ???

@chenle — ANNA OMFG ,, hi i don’t think you know since i changed my user since then but i’m the one who told you that my friend and i would discuss your works on a daily because it’s just so amazing ??? your writing has got me through some shit and i will always idolize the way you write since it’s just so fricken pretty !!

@wakaitoshi — kale’s writing is so gorgeous, i can’t think of another word to describe it. she’s mixed her sentences with elegance and beauty that it’ll encase you in how well written it is !!

@haikyuu-ink — yuki’s way of writing drips of emotion and gentleness? in a way, i think that it’s best to read her stuff when you want to feel, she’s the best in that area!

@babiedeku — marianne has the prettiest pass time drabbles in the world. they’re mixed with funny and fluffy dialogues that i’ll always adore!!

@lceiji — rae is my go to for akaashi fics and she never fails on serving !!! truly one of my favorites since her style of writing has always left me breathless !!!

@lcaita — kai has my favorite long shots and they’re the ones i save to read when i’m all snuggled up in bed ! her talent lies in the way she describes scenarios in detail and it always leaves me awestruck !

@k-nma — li just started out writing but her akaashi post has rendered me amazed !! the way she has a direct flow in sentences and word use makes my heart flutter and the content itself was a dream !!

@hqprotectionsquad — lara’s content has always been 100/10 ! she writes for both bnha and haikyuu and everything she puts out just gets me head over heels !! talent !!!

@kenmagi — riza’s entire blog is just so gorgeous, i’m always in awe of it ! her writing is simple and direct to the point but she delivers it with such cuteness, my heart flutters !!

@kaidasen — liz’s range goes from amazingly structured long fics to comedic and funny fake texts !! whatever she puts out is always enough to get me smiling !!

@t-amajiki — gere’s my go to for nsfw fics !!! she’s so talented in means of capturing the readers attention and giving them butterflies !!! it’s a talent and honey, she is dripping in it !!

@starboybokuto — zade is as elite as it can get !! i love her nsfw hcs, they always get butterflies in my tummy and when i tell you that she’s basically mastered it by now, i mean it !! she’s the standard for a well written nsfw fic and i stand by that !

@b0kuto — emi’s writing drips of emotion and the best part is that you can tell !! her content is riddled with feelings and poetry and i’ve always enjoyed going through them especially when the day i had felt in need of something missing.

@agaassi — aera has the fluffiest headcanons in the world pleaseee!! her works were made for softness and they always leave me smiling !!! it’s just so precious and adorable and ahhh <3

@prettysetter — rin’s writing is so fricken !!! PRETTY !!! she writes so simply and yet you see how much emotion she conveys ????? i love love reading through her works because they always get me catching feelings !! chefs kiss !!!!

@tsutsukki — aster’s writing is so !! FRICKEN !! delicious !!!!! she writes with so much intention yet delivers with utmost direct simplicity ?? she’s an absolute dream to read about !!

lovely content creators that i’m looking forward to binging because everything about their account and personality just scream talent ♡

@miyuswriting — bro i’m sorry but like i’ve been eyeing your masterlist for a while and i’m so excited to indulge in it cause i already read one of your stuff and the way you write just made me feel things !!!

@sushij1ma — i read your shoto fic and it just :( absolutely stoke my heart and made it do things !!! i’m so excited for what more you’re gonna offer and i just know that it’s gonna be a fucking DELICACY !

@gogohaikyuu — hiii, your masterlist looks delicious and i read snippets of your kuroo stuff because kuroo and i ?? want you to know that you made me catch FEELINGS ??? the talent !!!!

@indigohitoshi — babie !! i’ve only read few of your stuff and i can’t wait to indulge myself in them but from the little amount of what i’ve read from you it is no doubt that you are so talented :( i love how you spin words and sentences !! it’s so beautiful !

@daichoo — i read your dating headcanons and the way you wrote for kuroo ??? i ??? hello, i have feelings ??? your writing is just an entire level of chefs kiss and i can’t wait to binge your masterlist !! ( but fr dude the kuroo bit in your hcs got me in love >:/ )

@tobiosbabie — soo !!!! the way you wrote that tsukishima fic has stolen my heart and you have yet to return it !! expect me in your notifs soon because i can’t resist binging your entire blog since you just write so !! fricken beautifully !!

@jayy-keii — i love your content so fricken much, words will never be enough !! as a fellow swiftie and tsukki stan, i am sure when i say that your entire blog is dripping in both beauty and talent ??? holy crap dude :0

@wisteriarain — you have the prettiest blog :( i’m so into how you write that whenever i’m feeling down, your work is the first to come to mind !! the day you write for kuroo is the day i crumble to the ground ! please you’re so :( talented !!!!

@tobiomlk — YOUR DRABBLES ARE SO !! PERFECT !! i can’t wait to read more of them and honestly ?? i don’t really read smaus but yours just !!! captured me ???? chefs kiss x300

@tiny-giant — YOUR KUROO HC GOT ME ON THE GROUND. are you kidding me? right in front of my salad? you write so prettily and the entire time i read it i was squealing and shouting like?? please i cannot wait to burn through your blog, i’m just so in love !!!!!

@towkken — bro i know you’re not a writing blog but i am obsessed with your art ???? it is — fricken gorgeous !!!! your style is so pretty and it’s unlike any i’ve seen and omfg ?? never stop ??????

@sugawaria — another art account that doesn’t get enough hype and recognition !!! please you have one of the prettiest art i’ve ever seen !! i could stare at it all day and my heart would explode !!! you’re so talented it’s unreal !!!

the actual love of my life/s that deserve nothing but adoration and gratitude because they’re the kindest people on earth.

@iwhyzuumi — i love you. that’s it. you’re so fucking gorgeous and kind and i love you forever ! no words head empty !

@kuroowuwu — you’re my favorite kuroo stannie to share headcanons with :( you’re so kind and precious and warm ?? ugh kuroo is too lucky to have you !!!

@spicyness — i’m so sorry i’m the worst at holding conversations but omfg i adore you ???? you’ve got the prettiest content on my feed and i can’t believe that you’re my friend :( you’re so kind i can’t even start !!!!

@we-mentally-unstable — thank you for the eternal support :( you can’t imagine how much i adore you for keeping up with what i write !!!

@milkykageyama — i ADORE YOU ?? flat out. you can’t even fathom how much i appreciate you :( thank you so much for every note you’ve given me and ugh i just want to hug you :((

@saltedcaramelsss — winnie !! you’re my absolute best friend !! i’m so lucky to have someone like you and i’m sorry that i suck at replying so much :( i just want you to know that i love you and i’m so grateful for the love you give me !!

this was definitely longer than i expected but everyone i mentioned above has been a personal idol of mine and i’m thankful to be mutuals with some of them !! please give them the same amount of love and kindness you’ve given me and i cannot thank you enough for getting me this far !!

thank you for 1.5k and i’ll see you when i see you ! happy pride month everyone ! spread love and kindness !! ♡

[dawnsdarkside]

     lil follow-up to last night’s post. if you didnt see it, dont worry about it. if you did, thank you for your concern.

     im feeling better today. thank you, sincerely, to all those of you who took a minute to reach out. it means a lot to me but i dont know many ways to express gratitude, so yeah, just. thank you

     im still going to take a sort of break here. i say sort of, because im still going to be around, checking my dash when i can and probably rbing some diluc art or musings. but im gonna let myself not be active for some time. im gonna try to write replies and drafts and hcs without posting them. i need to renew with the joy of writing this muse for the sake of writing him, and not to get external validation and attention. although thats always nice and very appreciated, of course ! but it shouldnt be the main reason i write my muse. i’ve been struggling a lot here because of this, and it’s a pattern that surfaces whenever i pick up a new muse. im excited to write them for a few months, people seem to like what i do, then i have to take an unexpected break because of work or other sources of stress/exhaustion, and i struggle to get back into it because i feel like most people lost interest. 

     it sucks when people lose interest, but it shouldnt stop me from loving what i do entirely.

     basically, im gonna take some time to really find my muse again, my inspiration, the excitement i felt for coming up with ideas and theories and interactions for him regardless of whether other people liked them or not. im privileged to have the chance to write a character i love so wholeheartedly and i need to get back to the mental headspace where im always aware of that. 

     so, what this means concretely ? is a semi-hiatus for a week or two. i’ll probably use the opportunity to thin out the list of people im following, as i warned about a couple weeks ago - i want to be able to engage with my mutuals more, pay attention to what they write and post and ask questions about their muses and comment on the theories and hcs they share - and that means having less of them, because i cannot keep up as it is. feel free to give me a nudge if you’d really like to stay mutuals ! otherwise i’ll probably unfollow/soft-block people i havent been vibing with as much or dont see myself likely to interact with.

     i’m also hoping to (finally) finish my relationships tab and maybe clean out my blog a bit as it’s been very messy for a few weeks, and maybe even make an actual theme, who knows.

     i dont want to be getting ahead of myself, but im feeling rather optimistic.

[faejilly]

I was tagged by @la-muerta​ & @facialteeth​ & @thedivinemissema​ for the WIP/Title Game

rules: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. send me an ask with the title that most intrigues you and interests you and i’ll post a little snippet of it or tell you something about it!

AND THEN  by @shadoedseptmbr​ @msviolacea​ & @ravenclawnerd​ for the “stories you want to write... but for some reason haven’t yet”

so this will be a mish-mash of both? The WIPs will mostly have blurbs in this case (to fit the second meme) but you are still welcome to ask follow-up questions, if you’d like ;) Assuming you make it through the list, it is uh. Not Short.

Anyone who would like to play with their WIPs, please consider yourself tagged in either or both of these. :D

Misc Fic Folder:

“untitled document” - where I’m working on fictober fills so I have word-counts for my GYWO tracker. I am not working on these because Brains Are Dumb and also Going Back To Work Is Exhausting

I made a file called “YULETIDE!” which has nothing in it but I’m determined to finish this year so that is definitely technically a thing in the Unending WIP List of Doom worth mentioning. (Tho obviously that’s all I could say even if I had started, because anonymous.)

“coda-fics, rewatch!” -yes, that exclamation mark is important! it’s to keep me motivated! (it didn’t work). Much like untitled, this is for putting stuff so I can do word count tracking even if I don’t know what I’m doing. Currently I think it just says “MARYSE” because I was working on my SH 1x6 coda-fic and then got distracted and haven’t typed anything up yet. (Yay notebooks? Boo notebooks? Not even sure at this point.)

WNIP (works not in progress) Folder:

“TOG” - I had one vivid mental image of how Nicky & Joe met (blood-stained evil smiles?) but then no idea for a follow-up story and also the fandom is insane and I’m not sure I want to deal with all of *gestures vaguely* all that

“Shan Xia Notes” -for a TTRPG that never quite got off the ground; she was a semi-tragic selkie who was still in love with the evil queen/lady who stole her skin and I got to play her for like one session and she was surprisingly chaotic neutral, which wasn’t at all what I’d been expecting. But the game never really got off the ground, so I never had enough info to really delve into writing backstory fic

“post-Kruschev” -Kruschev’s List was the last episode of Scarecrow & Mrs King, and I was debating writing an epilogue in place of the s5 we never got, to try and tie up some loose ends, but the fandom’s three old-ladies in trench coats and I never quite worked up the gumption to get it anywhere

“Code Realize warm as silk sequel” -there is literally nothing in this file except “SEX! Only a little angst” because I wanted to write some “we can’t actually touch each other” smut but never actually did. 🤷‍♀️

BioWare (also all Not-In-Progress Anymore)

“seb/adelaide”, “Theia” & “DAI Erana” -these WIP folders were cannibalized for ficlets for the last few times I did fictober, and while originally I had ideas for longer epilogues for all three of them, at this point I don’t think any of the remaining bits could support a story any longer.

”whispers in the dark” -Maia Ryder never really got much fic at all; the cancellation of any further Andromeda stuff was really disheartening, and at this point I’d have to play the game again, and I don’t think I’m gonna manage that any time soon

”TSP” -a Mass Effect 3 Shepard AU collab project that kind of went off the rails, and our mutual brains/lives never quite seem to line up so we can try and rebuild it ”Ngaio & Tane” -my one truly ruthless Shepard (Alliance background, who romanced Traynor) whose father Tane Shepard was, I think, in PsyOps, and I wanted to figure out their complicated relationship but never really did know where I was going with it

”JE Zu & Yaling” -so I’ve rambled about my Tragic Sagacious Zu Romance Thoughts regarding Jade Empire more than once (#Icy Yaling should have most of it) but apparently I want to yell about it more than I want to actually write it? Whoops.

”CI sequel: 5 times fic?” -Cruel Intentions is a kinkmeme fill that I started and then it sat for like five years before I actually finished it, and I liked the ending, but it does leave a giant fucking question mark in terms of how those people got from there to where they are after the game, and I kind of wanted to write a proper h/c fic rather than just... leaving them wallowing in all that trauma?

But I didn’t. I don’t even remember for sure how I wanted to frame the 5/1 of it all, besides it being something sad about allowing people to see you or touch you in some way. (Prayers maybe, since I think there was definitely some Sebastian & Fenris & faith stuff going on in there.)

“candles” -Merribela prompt fill that I never was happy with? Not sure what I might do with it at this point, so it’s just sitting there all sad and lonely and neglected-like.

Shadowhunters

pt1: WIP LIST ONLY

“Persuasion” -so I keep trying to write Persuasion AUs in many fandoms because it’s my favorite Austen, but I think I like it too much, I have no real solid concept of how I’d transform it, and if I don’t have anything else to say about different characters within that framework, I have no push to actually write anything? Also this SH version of it suffered from MASSIVE scope creep when I started outlining and it got too big for me to handle so I like, killed it twice? Whoops. This one is really probably never gonna happen.

“oosdt sequel” -I wanted to write more about the Forest That Eats People and Magnus & Alec as Guardians Between Worlds, and also some background Magnus’ Found Family & Lightwood Family Feels (maybe some clizzy?) and I left a Madzie plot-thread dangling from the first one on purpose even but I think this one had too many ideas and not enough focus so it’s sort of sprawling all over a doc with a lot of “???” in it

“procedural-ish” -this was originally going to be a sex-farce. and then it turned more serious. and then maybe kind of copaganda which was uncomfortable in terms of the Everything That Is The News in 2020, and then maybe it was more a Mafia AU and at that point I had self-inflicted tone whiplash and I wished the voices in my head were a little more forthcoming about their plans so I stopped before I brained myself on my computer monitor in frustration.

“I had rather a rose than live forever” -I started a reverse!verse Malec (Shadowhunter!Magnus, High Warlock!Alec) for bingo last year, and I couldn’t quite get it together in time, so I made a moodboard inspired by the bits I’d started instead. I may see if one of my prompts from Bingo this year help me finish it?

“fall fright fest (practical magic  au)” -exactly what it says on the tin! almost exactly a year old & neglected! IDEK ANYMORE (I talked about this one with the WIP meme last time tho: here)

“priest!kink theology?” -I thought it was gonna be smut? I like priest!kink. I have made other people like it and yell at me even! But then I kept diverging into demon!Magnus thinking about Priest!Alec’s faith and as usual, IDEK ANYMORE *laughs*

(If they’re remotely canon-adjacent or divergent, a bunch of these are in here because I need to rewatch the show to get the pacing/timing/tone right and I haven’t, and I don’t know why, because I enjoy the show, but BRAINS! Are Dumb! So I guess that’s it?)

“I do” -I have tried to write this damnable Malec arranged marriage fic like six different times. I have signed up for fic exchanges and bangs with it, I have rewritten massive sections, trying to change tone or structure or POV or whatever, and it basically comes down to they like each other too fast and I keep not gutting it enough to get back to a useful pace, but by the time I realized that I was on take six and kind of sick of it. I may get back to it eventually

“wing!fic” -canon divergent in early s1, trying to deal with the consequences of Simon’s kidnapping as the Truly Serious Event that it should have been. It uh. Got heavier than I expected with those consequences (considering it was originally just supposed to be Alec’s wings flirting with Magnus) and also see above re: rewatching for pacing.

“2x20 aftermath/date night/pandemonium porn“ -yes that is the actual wip title. It used to be “spite fic” because I was originally inspired by fighting against a lot of fic!Alec characterization that was clearly based more on the books and ATG syndrome than the Alec in the show, which is the Alec I know and like and want to read about. BUT, pacing and etc. again, I think. Also I have somehow entirely lost my knack for writing porn, which makes it difficult to finish something originally intended to be smut!fic. Or even teasing almost!smut.

“rubbish heap” -so this is about three different fics that I realized complemented each other really well so they’re now all in the same file as I try to turn them into the sequel of “with an if in its soul”. It includes amnesia, parabatai lore shenanigans, a s3 rewrite, and some truly awful Owl adjustments that make me wince in horrified authorly delight and pain. BUT, as with the other ones in this file, the scope is large and I normally write short-fic and I kind of just threw up my hands in exasperation. I may have to break it back up into the three different fics instead, if I ever actually want to write it. Them? But also I need to take better notes on s3 to make sure I have what I need in here.

SH Pt 2: Started posting or not yet in hiatus because it’s actually almost ready to be a thing in the real world! maybe!?

“kisses (firsts)” -I actually started publishing this one, a “series of firsts” that was supposed to be kind of relationship milestones and kind of an excuse for smut, and then there wasn’t that much smut and I lost momentum and also dear lords & ladies the timeline is stupid, wtf. I may not ever add to this one, tbqh. It doesn’t stop in a terrible place, and they’re all ficlets so they stand alone all right.

“clizzy epilogue” -this is blank atm, it’s more a reminder for me to keep poking away at my “girls who can’t breathe air, only fire” collection BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO ACTUALLY GET TO THE CLIZZY AT SOME POINT

"mer!alec" -pts 2-4 of a series, but apparently having an actual plan gets in the way of me *writing* the thing, and I haven't managed to throw the half an outline far enough away from my brain to be able to write again. Or something like that.

"ibhww" -if broken hearts were whole is a soulmate fic I started a million years ago, and purposefully set aside to finish some other WIPs because I thought they'd be quick, and now it's just buried under two and a half years of regret and shame so it's hard to get back to it

"iafy" -i am for you is a delightful & frothy semi-epistolary fluff piece that also just lost momentum because Life & 2020 & etc. It's far and away the most popular thing I've ever posted on AO3, which also makes me feel weird sometimes, and I feel like the fact that there's no grand conclusion planned, just a bit more fluff and settling in, might end up being disappointing? Basically, it's the first time I think I've psyched myself out about reader expectations, and until I get over that I'm going to have trouble finishing the last couple chapters. (There really are probably only two more chapters though. IT’S SO CLOSE, I wish I could just... write it. And yet?)

“fake-hating” -I do not like fake dating as a trope that much, I just do not get it, but I love outside POVs and arranged marriages and there’s this delighful tumblr post about how they wished there was more fic about people who were together but had to pretend they werent’, and uh. This may be that? Eventually? I’m not exhausted by my failure to finish it yet, so it’s still in the regular folder rather than the hiatus folder, even though nothing’s been posted for it.

AND I THINK THAT’S IT?

Not as terrible as it could be, but still. MANY WORDS THAT MAY NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. Posting the equivalent of one’s old ratty sketchbook is always a weird feeling. :D

[true-sapphire-star]

Mod Update (7/14/20)

Hello again everyone. Here’s a bit of another update largely to show you i’m very much still alive.

So. That CV. It’s uh... getting pretty crazy here in the USA. I’m safe, and nobody has it in my immediate family. It’s likely that I’ll contract it eventually, but for the most part I should be relatively safe? Regarding that cough... I’ve largely found out what the chronic cough was that I had, and it just requires a couple lifestyle changes to resolve. Nothing super serious luckily, but it does flare up with stress. Speaking of stress, I’m stressed to the nines and my depression is kicking like an angry mule, but still somehow holding on. Hooray for semi-decent coping methods! Some amount of relief is on the horizon though, so I’m holding onto hope. Next week is my final for my hopefully last class that I will ever have to take at my college. I’m not doing the best in it, but I’ve kicked into overdrive and I’m basically pouring all of my energy into studying.

Everything in my life feels to be out of control rn, but tbh. Outside of the worldly matters that I literally have no control over? Most that’s in disorder is my mentality and my room. So, I’ll say I’m doing pretty alright all things considered.

Regarding the blog...

I... Uh

Not going to lie. I didn’t think the blog would hit 100 followers. Especially since I’ve been on hiatus. Honestly, I just checked for kicks and I really didn’t expect it. So, that’s certainly a pleasant surprise. To everyone who joined recently... Hi! Pleasure to meet you, I’m Safi Mod. Glad that you like my stuff, hopefully I’ll be back soon enough and able to contribute a bit more! Speaking of back soon enough, here’s a (extremely rough) timeline of when I might be back: July 24th is the day of my final for this summer course. After that, the most that I need to focus on is locating a new full time job as I will have graduated college at this point, and will no longer be capable of working for the school as a student. So... I can keep my current job till... about December, if I recall correctly. Once college is done, I’m going to take a week or two to myself (hopefully) to just chill and recover and get things under control again. From there, it’ll just be work and job applications until I land something.  Sometime during that week or two, as well as a little bit past it, I’m going to start looking into my muse again. I need to re-read some of the old rps to get my head on straight regarding them so I don’t make an awkward bend in the character’s personality in the middle of an RP. This... is a grey area, and I don’t know how long it will be until I’m comfortable with the muse again. In all.... I’m guessing probably a month after my final, to maybe two before I really pick up activity again. As I said, this is an extremely rough timeline, and in no way binding. So... It may be later, may be sooner, or right on the mark. Who knows. I’m going to try to make it sooner rather than later, but... Y’know. Life happens.

So.. Yeah. That’s my update. I’m gonna go back into the abyss of school/work now, so please stay safe and stay positive everyone!

[applesdrowned-a]

semi-hiatus. two weeks.

hi  guys,   so    as   you   may   or  may   not   know,   i   got   hired   for  a   job   !!!   i   start   tomorrow  (  6th  )   night.   i   am   working  a    grave.   the   reason  for   this  announcement  is   i   am   working   straight   five   days   of   graves  ,   i   get   off  tuesday   morning   &   then   i   am   back  again   thursday  for   the   same   rotation  .  this  is    just   temporary   as  my   regular  days   for   now   is    only   afternoons   thursday/sunday  .   basically   i am   a   fill   in    cause    i   offered   to    plug    holes   (   i  need   more  than   two  days  a   week   man,  so   i    hope   to   get   a   lot   of   calls   about  shift  fills.   )    my   regular   afternoons/evenings   start   thursday   the   20th.    

since  i  am   not   used   to   working   graves   ,  i  will   likely  not   be  around   much  .    if   i   can   adjust   quick    i   can   be   around   before    the   start   of   shifts  .   but   otherwise   its   looking   like   off  days   are   the   best   bet  .   i   am   gonna   be   a   bit   slow   for   the   next   two  weeks   so   please  be  patient  with  me     .    ily   guys   <333

[orcx-nus]

@flowerytruth​ said: “ 1,9,13 “

the be honest meme.

                  1. What would prevent you from following someone?

(( i’ll be honest, i have quite a few things that would prevent me from following someone. when deciding whether or not to follow someone i mainly look at rules, character descriptions, writing style, some aesthetic & organization, and the type of activity.

rules: i have seen a few blogs with rules like “if you write [insert some sort of common trigger here] whatsoever, even if tagged, don’t follow!” or “even if i don’t follow you i will block you if i so much as hear that you write [insert  some sort of common trigger here]” or smth like that. in which case, i avoid them entirely. first of all, i hate rules that police other’s behaviors outside of their personal interactions. as long as someone tags things properly and it’s evident that mun=/=muse, why be so hostile from the get-go? second, if they’re not gonna like what i write for character exploration purposes, then there’s no point in following to begin with. better to avoid issues before they start. also, if i see someone just doesn’t have rules altogether, or has very minimal/vague rules i tend to avoid them. nothing personal, it’s just easier to avoid problems if someone has proper rules.

character descriptions: especially if they’re an OC, if they lack any character descriptions of backgrounds, or have very minimal ones, i tend to avoid. i hate having to constantly ask questions about characters and prefer to have someplace i can come back to in order to double-check details and make sure i don’t cross certain lines. 

writing style: i tend to avoid people who write a lot of short replies (a paragraph or less) bc it gives me nothing to work with in the long-run. i used to write with a lot of people like that, and i eventually ended up just having to remake bc i lost my inspiration to write altogether. it’s not fun if i have nothing to work with. also, although it’s not necessary, i tend to enjoy those who regularly use icons and format replies at least a lil bit. just a personal preference.

aesthetic & organization: as i mentioned, it’s not super necessary but i definitely enjoy at least a little bit of aesthetic. however, i mainly apply this to replies only. in other words, if someone writes a lot, but doesn’t often use formatting (ie: small text, bolded/italicized words or ‘speech’, etc.) i tend to lean more towards not following. of course, this doesn’t always apply but i do like seeing pretty writing lol however, if someone uses too much aesthetic writing (ie: drastically formatting every other word) it makes it more difficult for me to read and i can also avoid them. basically, just format within moderation. also, if someone doesn’t have any sort of organization, especially in regards to links, i avoid. 

activity: i now i’m also not the best example of this and i may come off as a bit hypocritical, but if someone posts wayyyy too much ooc instead of interactions i tend to steer clear. it’s just not fun or enjoyable to have my dash constantly cluttered by one person constantly posting ooc and/or never actually doing any sort of rping. unless we’ve known each other for a while or i like you enough, i will generally avoid people who do this. i’ve already unfollowed some people for this. ))

                  9. What is your opinion on exclusivity? Do you practice it? Why / why not?

(( hmmm don’t care for it. i respect if others are exclusive with other partners, be it in terms of only interacting with one of each muse at a time (ie only one Makoto or Haru at a time), exclusive shipping, etc. however, i refuse to be exclusive for the time being. i think it just limits interactions unnecessarily, as well as makes exploration of relationships more difficult/boring. my muse may react differently with two different harus or two different rins, be it friendship-wise or romantically, and i really like to explore how each relationship is formed! ))

                  13. Have you ever thought about leaving rp? What caused it? What changed your mind?

(( i have actually thought of it and done it at least twice before! it wasn’t bc i hated it or anything tho. it was mainly bc my life got too busy for me to keep it up after some time, or i just lost my muse for a much longer period of time than i initially anticipated. i recently came back again, actually, for the same reason that i came back the other times: i missed rp, finally got some more free time, and i got my muses back! however, my life is getting busy once more so i may eventually have to take another semi-hiatus until i get some more things sorted out ;w; i don’t expect that happening too soon tho ))

[writingforloki]

Sparks Fly

Chapter 3: Hit me with your best shock.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader.

Chapter summary: Your first combat training session with Bucky goes just how you’d expected it, shockingly.

A/N: I’m back!!! sorry for the mini hiatus, I had some ~personal~ stuff going on.

However, I’ll be way more on top of my writing from now on!!! Hope u enjoy this chapter, as always pls feel free to comment, ask questions and give me some constructive criticism in the comments.

Ao3 link. 

Chapter 1

Chapter 2 

You went to bed feeling a bit more relaxed about your place in the compound, you had chatted with the group and started to feel more chill around them. However when your alarm woke you at 7.30 for your training session at 8am, chill was not how you were feeling. The annoying pinging shocked your eyes open and you grumbled patting your bed to try and find the source of the noise to make it stop. You hadn’t slept terribly to say it was your first night in a new bed, although it definitely helped that the bed was massive and extremely comfortable.

Pushing the covers off your body and letting the cool air do its thing and wake you up a little, you tried not to let the anxiety of a new day in a new place scare you too much, you had half an hour until your first training session and although it seemed counter productive to shower before your workout, you decided the water would wake you up, so you pulled yourself out of bed, grabbed your towel and headed to the bathroom.

You hopped in the shower and let the water run down your body tipping your face gently into the spray to try and wake yourself up. You started to think about what your first session would entail, how hard would it be? Would you embarrass yourself? Would the Winter soldier crack a smile? Were a few of the questions swimming around your brain. Knowing you couldn’t hide in the shower for ever, you made your way back to your room.

You opened your wardrobe to find something to wear to see that it had been decked out with an impressive amount of workout gear, you decided on a pair of black high waisted leggings with pale blue piping at the seam, along with the matching sports bra, you felt bougie as hell, you’d never been so coordinated before, so you pulled on an oversized white tee and tied it at the bottom, feeling better slightly more covered up.

It was 7.57am when you checked your watch and decided it was best if you headed to the training area of the compound, and although you had a vague idea of where it was, it was easy to get lost when all the halls all had the same uniform, slick, chrome finish to them. That’s how you found yourself at 8.05 starting to panic and none the wiser about your whereabouts in the massive compound. You had wanted to make a good impression, and being late didn’t strike you as the best way to do it, you had started to lose all hope until you saw a familiar figure walk through one of the slick doors in the hallway.

“Clint!” you sighed in relief as he spotted you and walked towards you, fiddling with something in his ear.

“Hey newbie, what you doing down here.” He asked head cocked to the side comically. He looked like a confused puppy.

“I’m supposed to have training with Bucky at eight but I got lost and now I’m late and I don’t want him to think I’m a slacker, it’s just these halls you know? All the doors look the same and I feel there should be signs up in this place!” You babble, unsure of whether you’re coherent or not at this point.

“Woah that was not easy for a semi-deaf dude to comprehend but I got the bit where you said you were lost, come on sparky follow me, I’ll deliver you to the grumpy soldier.” He laughed as he took you in the opposite you would’ve headed next.

However you didn’t manage to make it all the way to the gym before bumping into someone else, it was Bucky and he did seemed to fit the grumpy soldier profile pretty well as his face was the blank expression you’d come to expect from him, his mouth set in a straight line and his eyes looking impassive.

“I come bearing your dutiful student.” Clint extended his arm to you and you looked up at Bucky guiltily.

“I got lost, I’m sorry! You guys really should have signs in this place.” You mumbled repeating your earlier statement.

Buckys expression softened and it was only then that you relaxed enough to notice that he had his hair pulled back into a low bun. It was cute, you thought. Wait, since when was the kinda intimidating winter soldier cute? It was only Buckys voice in your ears that alerted you out of your inner man bun related turmoil.

“No worries, I was just coming to see if you were awake, C’mon the gyms this way.” He turned, you guessed he expected you to follow.

“Thanks Clint!” you turned on your heel and gave him a cheery wave as you embarked down the hallway, and he saluted you in response.

You followed Bucky into what you assumed was the gym, and judging by the vast amounts of workout equipment you were in the right place.

“Right, like Steve said yesterday we’re gonna start out light, a bit of boxing and some very light hand to hand combat lessons.” Bucky said as he turned to look at you, his eyes were a steel blue and deadly serious.

“Okay, sure sounds good.” You say and put your fists up doing a few small air punches in his direction before immediately feeling embarrassed and questioning what went through your mind when you decided to do that.

However to your relief the winter soldiers lips quirked into a smirk similar to the one you’d seen yesterday, it was small and it didn’t quite meet his eyes, but it made your embarrassment ebb a little, so you’d take it for now.

“C’mon then Muhammad Ali, time to warm up, you don’t wanna pull anything.” he said softly and led you to the centre of the room, encouraging you to copy what he was doing.

After your stretching was done and you were apparently warmed up, it was time for you to actually start training, to say you were apprehensive about it was an understatement.

“Just to warn you” you said throwing a sheepish look in Buckys direction “I’m gonna be terrible at this, I’m really clumsy, so I’d stand at least 5 feet away in case I sock you in the face, I don’t wanna hurt you.”

He laughed quietly, that smirk back on his face, “I don’t think a punch from you could do much damage sweetheart.” He drawled, coming to stand in front of you.

You flushed at the term of affection, although it seemed more patronising than affectionate, you still hadn’t expected it.

“So first we’re gonna start off with basic self defense, I know you have your abilities but you can’t depend on them all the time, sometimes you may be put in situations where your powers have been suppressed and you’ll have to rely on your fists to get yourself out alive.” His face was serious again and you tried your best to listen and concentrate on what he was saying but it was difficult when his body was getting closer to yours.

“We’re gonna start off simple, basic self defense remember, we’ll get to the combat stuff later okay, so a lot of things can happen when you’re on a mission that you don’t expect, people can come out of know where and surprise you, grabbing you from behind is common if they’ve been waiting for you to turn your back.” He positioned himself behind you, not close enough to be intrusive, but close enough to make you shift uncomfortably.

“You’re gonna wanna think of your attackers pressure points, so if someone came up behind you and grabbed you, like this -” His arms wrapped around you from behind, encasing you in his vice like grip.

“Your arms are pinned down, so there’s not much you can grab from my upper body, so you’ve gotta be thinking lower body, unless you just wanna head butt them of course but that might hurt you a little as well. So your gonna grab just above the knee and I want you to squeeze real hard, you should get the sciatic nerve which’ll distract them enough to let their arms down.” he broke his hold on you and suddenly you felt rather cold as his arms were taken off your body.

You turned to face him nodding slowly, taking in everything he had just said.

“Right so squeeze the leg real hard, possible backwards headbutt if that fails, then what?” you ask, eager to learn.

“You wanna take advantage of me dropping my hold on you, at this point you should be able to twist your body ‘round, so go for the chin.” he says gesturing his chin in the air as if you’d just swung for him.

“Like this?” you ask, fake punching his jaw with your fist punched up.

He smirked as he looked at your hand, grabbing it and gently unfurling your fingers. “No Doll, didn’t anyone ever teach you to throw a punch before? Don’t tuck your thumb into your hand, that’s an easy way to break it. Also for this you wanna be using the bottom of you palm, that way you can get the most force behind your blow.”

He straightened out your hand and demonstrated, pushing your hand against his jaw. You could feel his stubble scrape against your skin. You’d always had a thing for guys with a bit of scruff.

“Right, that, that makes sense.” You mumble as he releases your hand. “And to answer your question, why would anyone need to teach me how to punch when I can just give anyone who bothers me a shock.” you smirk and look up at him.

He smiles back and raises his hands in mock defense. “Thats fair, but let’s practice this again but put it faster into motion.”

Suddenly his arms are back around you in his vice like grip, you can feel his body pressed against your back, and your not used to having any men pressed up against you, never mind super buff super soldiers. You tell yourself that’s what makes you do it, it was the unfamiliarity of the situation which makes you press your hand and force an electric current his leg instead of squeezing his nerve.

He goes down straight away, grabbing his leg and releasing you, while the shock of the situation hits you and you realise what you just did.

“Oh my god, Sargent Barnes- I mean Bucky, shit I’m so sorry I just panicked when you boxed me in, I knew I wasn’t in control enough to be with you guys, i-i are you okay?” You ask, close to tears and frantic as you crouch to match his doubled over position.

“Hnnng yep, I’m okay, it’s fine, you just caught me off guard Doll.” He says between gritted teeth, straightening himself up again and shaking his leg a little.

“I’m so sorry, I- I just can’t always control it.” your voice was shakey and you could feel the tell tale signs of your eyes starting to prickle. God this was embarrassing.

“Hey don’t worry about it, super soldier, remember?” he said trying to catch your eye and failing when you dipped your head and stared at the floor. “Listen, I don’t know how much you know about me, but I’m an expert in knowing how it feels when you’re not in control of your own body.”

You look up at him, his gaze is soft and not at all what you had expected from the steely eyed winter soldier.

“So you’re okay?” you ask “You’re not hurt?”

“Nah Doll I’m fine, c’mon why don’t we leave the one on one combat stuff for a bit and i’ll talk you through basic pressure points, maybe I’ll even teach you how to throw a punch without breaking your hand.” He smiled gently.

What you had been expecting from Bucky Barnes, you weren’t sure, but it certainly wasn’t the level of kindness and understanding that he’d shown you today. It was nice knowing that someone else had experienced the struggle of not being in total control of their body, and knowing he’d managed to change it and take control.

“Hey Bucky” you mumble softly.

“Yeah Doll?” he asks, head tilted to one side.

“I know Steve said he usually trains the beginners but, would it be okay if you trained me, even when Steve comes back from his mission?” you asked shyly meeting his eyes as he looked back at you, his face a picture of shock before he plastered on a neutral expression.

“Of course.” he answered.

It wouldn’t be easy, but maybe with Buckys understanding, you could get better at all this, and maybe finally gain control over your abilities.

Tag list:

@latsyrc85x @jsmith509 @yourwonderbelle @mywinterwolf

[penprp]

On P5/DCMK...

I saw a very interesting post earlier that compared P5 and Detective Conan/Magic Kaito, drawing parallels between Hakuba and Kasumi, and between Akechi and Shinichi. (Not reblogging because the OP does not need my word vomit clogging up their dash.) I’m going to have to say that honestly, I see it the other way around-- Akechi is Hakuba and Kasumi is Shinichi. I suspect the OP has seen a bit more of the Royal trailers than I have, of course… but I’m gonna do a bit of a deep dive into Hakuba and Shinichi’s character evolutions first, and then explain the way I see the correspondence. I know the OP was focusing almost totally on their relationships to Joker... but I’m going to nerd out a bit further.

Okay, so it all starts back in the late 80’s with the manga Magic Kaito. Aoyama’s first manga series, if you can believe that. Magic Kaito introduces us to Kuroba Kaito, teenage magician, prankster, and occasional pervert. (It was manga in ‘87, that was practically required.) He slapsticks his way through a school day, and then discovers that his father, long dead in an accident, was the legendary thief Kaitou Kid! But Kaitou Kid is holding a heist tonight! Kaito crashes, dressed in his dad’s old costume and learns that his father’s accident was actually murder, and swears to bring the culprits to justice. So right away, we’ve got the tone set-- a lot of slapstick and silly humor, with the occasional dramatic suckerpunch hitting when you don’t so much expect it.

That goes on for two volumes, with mostly silly stories about Kid escaping an army of robot surveillance cameras, Kid helping a little boy deal with bullies, Kid dealing with an honest-to-god witch who’s attempting to put him under her spell, Kaito and Aoko hunting ghosts that turn out to be a teacher trying to hide his research into hair growth formula… you get the idea. Then in 88, Kid went on hiatus, as Aoyama had moved onto his next manga, Yaiba!

Then we hit 1994. Yaiba has just ended, as has a short baseball-themed series called Yoban Saado, and so Aoyama comes back to Kid. His drawing style has evolved and so has his storytelling-- seven years of continuous work will do that to you. There’s still a lot of slapstick and silliness, but the drama has tightened up its act and is now setting snares for you instead of just punching you and running off laughing. It’s in this period of time that we meet Hakuba Saguru.

I should pause at this moment to say that Aoyama Gosho has some of the strongest special interests I have ever seen in a mangaka. The man loves Sherlock Holmes, Arsene Lupin, stage magic, and baseball, not necessarily in that order. He also loves working in a semi-unified world. Yaiba ended with a character announcing that “Kuroba and Nakamori,” IE, Kaito and his best friend Aoko, were finally going out. The new volume has a chapter in which Kid goes up against Yaiba in one of the most ridiculously slapstick things the series has done at this point. Remember this for later.

So into this mess comes Hakuba Saguru, transfer student. Hakuba’s role, as suits the slightly more focused and dramatic tone of the series in this volume, is to be an antagonist slightly more competent than Nakamori. His initals make him a reference to Herlock Sholmes, but as he’s half-British, reading his name in the Western fashion does evoke Sherlock Holmes. Really, at this point, Saguru is not narratively one particular reference as he is The Detective-As-Antagonist. He’s handsome, smug, confident, charming, brilliant, and basically a rival to Kaito in every arena, from school to romance to their nightly activities. His very first appearance has him ignoring the trick that the rest of the police fall for, forcing Kid to step up his game. Not long after that, he actually manages to realize that Kuroba Kaito is Kaitou Kid, and comes up with a clever plan to prove it. Unfortunately, he’s still in the Magic Kaito manga, and thus is thwarted by a witch riding in on her broom. (It makes sense in context.)

It’s towards the end of this volume that Kid learns of the gem Pandora, the reason his father was murdered, and vows to find the gem himself and destroy it. At this point, Kid switches from stealing various interesting baubles to targeting gems and only gems.

… And cue Detective Conan, which has been running for, as of this writing, twenty-five years. (Dear God.) This introduces us to Kudou Shinichi, detective and Sherlock Holmes otaku extraordinaire. One of the first things we learn about Shinichi is that he is incredibly privileged. (He’s also a huge dork, but I digress.) He’s handsome. He’s rich. His parents love him, but they’re out of the country, leaving him to live on his own with a ridiculous degree of freedom. He has cases to stimulate him. He’s a brilliant detective whom the police and media adore. The kids at school love him, though none can really be considered his friends except Mouri Ran, his best friend. Shinichi’s biggest problem in life is that Ran has a nasty habit of cracking concrete with her fists when he says something insensitive. Later flashbacks and retcons tell us that Shinichi, while he can be hugely thoughtless, is nevertheless instantly ready to throw all of that power and privilege behind protecting the weak and the innocent. He’s just… better with victims and witnesses than he is with normal social interaction.

Contrast this with Hakuba, who while, yes, he’s rich and charming and his father has enormous social and political pull as the Superintendent of the police... he’s still half-white. And thus will always be, on some level, an outsider. Neither manga does a lot with this, but it is still there.

Then he witnesses a drug deal, gets shrunk into an elementary-schooler, and it all goes down the tubes. Shinichi starts off as being very much like Hakuba-- or rather, Hakuba was a sort of proto-Shinichi. But Shinichi has twenty-five years of appearances and is the protagonist, so he gets the kind of character development Hakuba could only dream of. Shinichi loses almost everything and has to build it anew, without the privilege he had to begin with. In the process, he grows and changes, becoming more thoughtful and more appreciative, with less smugness and ego.

Into this world, Gosho decides to do one of his usual things, and drop Kaitou Kid in for a story. Holmes vs. Lupin, it’ll be fun, right? The fans ate it up, and so Kid became a regular guest star. After that, when doing Sunset Mansion, a story loosely based on Young Kindaichi’s “House of Wax” story, which involves a detective gathering, Hakuba Saguru was a natural choice. And here we come to one of Hakuba’s issues as a character.

It’s now the year 2000. Detective Conan, always more serious in tone than Magic Kaito, given the rampant murders, has progressed in the past six years. The art is better, the storytelling is more dramatic… And Hakuba’s previous narrative slot has been filled by Shinichi. What does Gosho do with him? I think a lot of the characterization that follows was Gosho trying to get a handle on who Hakuba IS, in a world where all the characters he played off of have changed so dramatically. In Sunset Mansion, he acts more like James Bond than either Herlock Sholmes or Sherlock Holmes. He’s handsome, charming, and dangerous, and while he’s not convinced of Kid’s essential benevolence, he is adamant that Kid is no killer.

Fast-forward to 2006. Hakuba shows up again for the Tantei Koshien, a detective competition that seems designed to play up the differences between Hakuba and Hattori Heiji, Conan’s best friend and fellow detective. This is quite possibly the most characterization Hakuba gets, and he’s… not shown in a great light. He’s scornful of Heiji’s impulsive nature and rash action, and lets his focus on thefts and frauds mislead him into identifying the wrong culprit. He takes his correction rather graciously, but hasn’t appeared in Detective Conan since.

And now it’s 2007. Kid is rabidly popular, enough that Gosho puts out another volume’s worth of Kaitou Kid chapters. Now that we’re back behind Kaito’s eyes, we see a combination of the goofy prankster in the earliest chapters and the smooth gentleman thief we’ve come to know in Conan’s tales. These stories are more tightly plotted, with more danger and escapes, the magic tricks used to set up a central “howdunit” for the chapter, and there’s a bit more character development. Kid also evinces more detective skills, as there’s often a mystery for him to get to the bottom of, as well as his own tricks for others to decipher. Hakuba makes a guest appearance, calling Kaito to give him information when he’s going head to head with another kaitou over a rare gem, and then shows up when Kid is threatened by a murderous thief named Nightmare. At the end of this case, he agrees with Kid in deliberately hiding the truth of Nightmare’s identity, as the man is dead and the truth would only hurt his family now.

Hakuba is still charming, flirty, and confident, and to be honest, still kind of smug. But now he’s being shown as someone capable of empathy, not a detective concerned only with the law, or even the truth. He’s come to understand that justice requires mercy. But we don’t get to see any of this happen, and he’s still only in a few pages in two stories out of five.

Hakuba and Shinichi both have complicated relationships with Kid that can’t be boiled down to “rival” and “enemy” quite so easily. The biggest difference, in my opinion, is that Hakuba is chasing Kid to catch and stop him, while Shinichi really sees Kid heists as a chance to match wits with an intellectual equal. Hakuba is concerned with Kid’s breaking the law, while  Shinichi seems to consider that mostly a non-issue, being focused more on beating Kid as almost a matter of pride. He’ll give it back and nobody died, no big deal. … That said, Hakuba’s characterization in spinoffs such as the Magic Kaito specials is leaning a bit more towards actual rivalry, but that’s because in that continuity, he has bigger spiders to fry.

So why did I go into all that? We don’t know much about Kasumi, but we know a lot about Akechi, so I’m going to start with him. Visually, he resembles Hakuba much more than Shinichi, with the perfectly pressed appearance, light hair, and visually adult fashion choices. He’s a media darling, and is incredibly charming. Beyond that, in all his interactions with the Phantom Thieves before his reveal, he is apart from them, even when assisting them. His outfit is brilliant white and gold, rather than the blacks and reds of most of the team. He even tells them that while he will help them clear their name of murder, they have to stop thieving. This is all very Hakuba. Of course, it’s all a mask, but even so… he wants to stop the Phantom Thieves. He’s tied into the forces of law and order, both in his mask persona and as Yaldabaoth’s pawn. (Law and Order being two different forces here… although maybe not so different as they seem.) He’s strongly drawn to Joker and winds up helping him, despite what his position and duties would suggest.

Kasumi is… well, we don’t really know. Visually, however, as a thief, she strongly resembles Joker. We’ve seen that she seems to act as a Phantom Thief, even if she’s quoted as saying that she doesn’t believe in their justice. (“Thieves are boring,” Conan scoffs, right before meeting a nutter in a white top hat.) A lot of her visual shots are set up to suggest a strong parallel between her and Joker, and there’s a possibility of her being yet another Wild Card. Kaito and Shinichi are canonically said to resemble each other strongly, and while this is probably partially Gosho making fun of the fact that all his hot teenage boys look alike… he’s said there is a deeper reason for it.

This is all speculation, of course. We won’t really know until the game comes out. (Can we get a Switch port Atlus? Please?)

[cursivebloodlines]

Hi pals! It’s been a while since a longwinded rambly ass post lmao.

At the moment, I’m not quite sure what I’m doing in terms of threads and this blog. I really miss writing and I know it has been so long since I’ve replied to pretty much anything with the exception of the occasional reply I’ve done here and there over the past few days. I will always come back to writing in the end, I think.

I don’t want to say ‘I’m coming back’ and then adhere to it. Suppose I can say this is still an indefinite hiatus or semi hiatus until I can decide where I want to go. Meanwhile, I know my drafts are months old but when I feel the muse for them I will write them slowly at my own pace. That way, I don’t start getting stressed and anxious about being around; I’ll be on when I can. 

As usual, my main focuses will be Dougie and Lydia until I can find the muse for everyone else but if the muse calls for it, I will slip in the odd reply here and there. I understand that as it’s been so long since I’ve replied to the majority of my threads, I completely understand if the muse is no longer there for you. So if we’ve written together and I’ve owed you replies for months but you don’t have the muse for it anymore, please send me an IM so I can delete them from my drafts. We can always start something new if you’d so like, just let me know :) At least I won’t be replying to something that will lead nowhere in the end.

I might revamp this blog , I might add new muses -- I don’t know yet. I’ll figure it out slowly but surely. I may post open starters if I feel like it -- I don’t know. Thank you all for being so so patient with me while I’ve been flaky as hell. I completely understand if some people would rather not write with me because of how long it takes for me to reply or because I keep disappearing, etc.

I swear I actually had a point to make lmao. Basically, I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m gonna try and do a bit of writing even if it’s one post a day. Even if it’s just headcanons or self paras or something to try and jumpstart my muse again :) Just bear with me -- it’s a long ride. :’)

Much love to you all x

PS: If you ever want to talk away from Tumblr, you can have any of my social media platforms :) I follow back on all of them. Discord is cursivebloodlines#8329. My Instagram is jadestagram_ and my Twitter is _jadeylouise. and I’m sorta using Kik again which is jadeylou_. You can add me on all of them or none of them hahah. I also have WhatsApp -- IM me if you want it. and Facebook you can have if you message me privately :) The best way to reach me is probably Discord, Twitter or WhatsApp tbh as those are what I’m using frequently but ultimately the choice is yours :) You’re better off on those rather than Tumblr because half of the time, notifications for Tumblr don’t come through on my phone which is a pain!! 

And if I take longer than a few days to reply to your message -- please feel free to nudge me because I’ve probably forgotten it’s never because I’m ignoring you! I don’t mind you messaging me if I’m taking forever to reply to messages. Speak to you all soon hopefully :) xx