#but by the end of the sememster we all hated it

[cuz-reasons]

Why the FUCK to I still know my part to this one song we did in music class in gr9

[laus-life]

senior year

they say history repeats itself. and i can currently say that yeah, that’s true. my senior year of high school i was hella angsty and ready to move out-- ready to gtfo of my house. i was depressed, using exercise to escape reality, and smoking weed to numb my emotions and fears.four years later, my senior year of college i’m in the same spot. sitting in class stoned, depressed, and freaking the fuck out about how behind i am with literally everything.

  i struggle with procrastination (ie. this). but it’s rooted in something more than just simple laziness. my procrastination comes from many things, one of which being my fear of being stupid. ever since i was little i felt that i was stupid. one specific memory of this was when i was in second grade and we had to read a book and answer followup questions that would give us points. we could later use those points to buy really neat things at the end of the six weeks. i knew how to read, but for some reason, i wasn’t actually understanding what i was reading, so i never could answer the questions, therefore i never had enough points to buy anything cool. naturally, i felt stupid. i would always see my friends with super cool prizes like a multi-colored disco ball. that really discouraged me and made me think i was a total idiot, so i never would put work in. now, fourteen years later, i still feel that. there’s a reason i’ve taken comp 303 four fucking times! i was too embaressed to turn in my papers. i felt that they would never be good enough. 

another thing that my procrastination comes from is disapointment. the look is what really kills me. seeing someone you really admire sigh, look at you with watery eyes, maybe even raising their voice a bit, and then them saying “you’re better than this...” ugh fuck. it wrecks me. so many fucking times that i’ve done stupid shit and disapoint my dad. i tend to have this when it’s for a guy teacher. i see them as father figures and i don’t want to let them down, but i make it basically imposible for myself! i don’t do the work in fear that it’s going to suck or they’re not going to like it. so my smart ass decides not to turn it in, or never fucking do it! now i’ve cornered myself and i’ve fallen in some sort of loop. i have so much fucking shit to do. graduation is less than five weeks away‽‽ i have a 30 page research paper due two nights ago, all of my native american history questions and Inca paper, a five page spanish paper, no clue whats due in NT, two papers for Comp, and of course the one that was supposed to be done last fucking sememster- senior paper. that bloody paper. i hate past me for doing this. all i had to do was an annotated bibligraphy for 20 sources, in spanish. but no, i let myself freak out and now it’s been since october. i’ve avoided that professor and i cry every time i think about it. but i need to get over my fear of disapointing him, and realize i’m not stupid.

in my spanish civilization and culture class today i realized, “hey... i know a lot of stuff” my nickname on my backpacking trip was “fun facts.” i love learning and i know a lot of stuff. yeah a lot of it might be useless information, but for some reason, to me it’s really important. so why not let myself talk about these “important” things? that’s all i really have to do. senior paper is Don Quijote and how Cervantes uses satire in it. i fucking love that shit. but for some fucking reason i cant. i know my professor knows a lot about the topic, and that scares me.

what if i’m not good enough? i am good enough

what if i’m stupid? i am smart

[reflectedlightsonthewater]

Ugh

I hate this so much. So my boyfriend got back to college yesterday and today was his first day of classes and we were both busy yesterday, so tonight just now was our first time Facetiming again long distance. He's not coming back until like April so for the next 3 months this is gonna be the most intimate form of communication we can have. That hit me tonight while we were talking, and I just got super bitter and in a horrible mood, and I hate it when that happens because I know I'm being overdramatic and I should just deal with it or accept it or do anything else but turn sour but I can't control it that well and trying to hold it back too much just amplifies it to the extreme because I feel like I need to censor myself then for him or something and it just spirals down into this horrible thing... But so it was really annoying with all that then we had this misunderstanding about whether he wanted to do anything to celebrate our 2 year anniversary which is the day after Valentine's Day or send each other gifts or something like that and he was like only Christmas and birthdays and gift days and I was lowkey annoyed cause he used to just give me spontaneous little cute things before we had a deeper relationship and conflicts started coming up at all, but so that was irritating to have to decipher because he really needs to be able to think his arguments and statements and perspectives through like a solid couple hours in advance because he just can't talk competently on the spot or anything in what I tend to view as just an average conversation but he doesn't... And then on top of that all there was a girl who was high and talking more to his two roommates but just being flirty in general with all of them and she made some weird comments about his lips and eyes and I was so fucking pissed and I vented about it a little to him but then he said I was being hypocritical because I did that up until recently too. But we talked about that extensively and I didn't get it before but like I understand now and I've stopped but then I felt like I couldn't say anything more about it to him because he said it was a sore subject and I respect that but it was still isolating and made that frustration just build up more, in turn driving me to take it out on him and his own actions or comments more... It's always just a horrible cycle and I feel like I can never escape from it and the bad stuff always comes up at the end of calls so we end on a bad note and I keep him up later than he wants to be and I feel guilty and then he tries to overplay a little the perspective of "well I go to all these incredible lengths for you and because I love you so so much" which is sweet but like at the same time it's like 15 minutes more, he's not super organized anyways, is that really that huge of an inconvenience? I love him a lot. I really do. More than anyone or anything else in the world. Tonight was just hard, and I hate thinking that nights like these are gonna become increasingly common as time goes by across the next few months. I'm gonna try to convince my parents to let my drive up to see him sometime though, maybe over the Presidents' Day long weekend because we have 4 days off of school and it's pretty close to the start of second sememster so there shouldn't be anything crazy hard going on around then. Okay rip anyone who actually read this, it's all just venting and I honestly feel like even just typing all of this out and getting it out of my system helps a lot, so thanks Tumblr as a whole too then. I know it will get better. It's just something that improves with time and effort, and before I really wasn't giving that much effort. We will communicate better, and I will be more patient, and I'll prove to him that I can be the best, most loyal, most supportive and loving girlfriend the world's ever seen. It'll be okay. I know it will. I just need to break my association of Facetiming being so negative and leading inevitably to arguments. But I can do that, I just need to get better at saying goodbye and keeping an actual positive attitude and not just faking it. I love him, and it's all worth it in the end, because his hugs and kisses and love and compassion and desire to provide for me and help however he can and his dedication and loyalty and support and all of it. It's incredible. And I would do anything to be able to have that in person, every day, from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep. And what I need to do to get that then is to stick to this and make it work for the next 4 years and just get through this hard time, for the greatest reward. Plus it's only been 5 months that he's been away total, and I'm sure it'll get easier both as time goes on and when I go off to college and start sharing the new and exciting experiences that I can barely relate to right now. I really do love him, and I'll do anything to be with him.