#anyways fuck rockin the blues i always hated you

[cuz-reasons]

Why the FUCK to I still know my part to this one song we did in music class in gr9

[green-eyeddragonfanfiction]

Bah, HumBuck! Wing It!

Summary: Plan A, Plan B, Plans C and D, Plan E, Plans F and G. All of your plans have gone to hell and you really hurt Bucky in the process. Steve and Wanda are adamant you go talk to Bucky, and you resolve to fix your mistakes as best you can. Pairing: Bucky x Female!Powered!Reader Word Count: ~3,181 Warnings: language (always), fluff A/N: This is for Sam’s Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree Writing Challenge. My prompt was #16, “’This was a terrible plan.’ ‘This was your plan.’” @lovelynemesis This is the end, folks. I hope you enjoyed it! *gifs not mine*

Masterlist // Plans F and G

You turned your attention back to Steve, scowl wrinkling your brow. “Fine, but when he tells me to fuck off, you have to talk to him. Alright?”

Steve shrugged as though the very thought was a nonissue. “Fine, fine. Just go,” Steve said dismissively.

Knowing that was the best deal you were going to get, you turned on your heel, stalking off down the hallway Bucky had vanished in.

So much for your plans. It was time to wing it and hope for the best.

About ten feet down the hallway you suddenly realized that this wasn’t in the direction of Bucky’s room... and you had no idea where he was.

“FRIDAY, where’s Bucky?” you asked, suddenly a little worried. If FRIDAY lost track of him-

“Sergeant Barnes is outside, Miss (Y/L/N),” she informed you. Your anxiety kicked up a notch as you jogged towards the elevators.

“Is he leaving the base?” you asked frantically as you jabbed the call elevator button at least fifteen times.

“No, Miss (Y/L/N). He’s currently sitting on a bench just outside of the residential building,” FRIDAY said.

The doors opened and you practically threw yourself inside the elevator, closing the doors as soon as possible, as you repeatedly jabbed the button for the lobby.

“What, out in the snow? He’s just sitting there?” you asked, thoroughly confused. The elevator sped up the floors, the trip going quickly because the base was nearly empty and it didn’t have to stop every floor like usual.

“That is correct,” FRIDAY confirmed.

“Fuck,” you let out a shaky breath. You’d messed up. Real bad. He was in such a state of shock that he wasn’t even hiding in his room. He hated the snow yet he was out there sitting in it. Sitting in it! Not even pacing or throwing snowballs at windows or kicking the white stuff everywhere. Just. Sitting.

The elevator opened to reveal the lobby and you ran towards the front doors, barreling through it with reckless abandon the second it was open. You were in such a hurry you’d forgotten to ask which side of the building he was on. You chose a direction at random and started running around the perimeter of the building, hoping you’d see him sooner rather than later.

You didn’t have to search very long. As soon as you turned the corner you spotted him, the only dark spot against the clean white landscape. You slowed down into a walk, breath coming out in a cloud in front of you. It was dark now, and you didn’t want to scare him by running up to him.

The snow crunched under your bare feet and fat flakes from the sky landed on your lashes, causing you to rapidly blink them away. The little light from the building cast an eerie glow over the surrounding area, bathing Bucky in a cold, fluorescent glow.

You walked up to him slowly. He gave no indication he heard you coming, but there was no way he couldn’t hear you approaching; the crunch of snow and ice under your feet sounded like explosions and your breathing sounded like furnace bellows in the cold, quiet night.

Before you knew it you were next to him. You were shocked to see he hadn’t even put shoes on; his grey toe socks were matted with ice and snow and his pants were soaked to halfway up his calves. He was staring across the grounds, but you had a feeling he wasn’t seeing much of anything.

“Mind if I sit here?” you asked quietly, your voice sounding way too loud even though it was barely a whisper.

No response. More blank staring that made your heart sink to your feet.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” you whispered, then took a seat directly beside him on his right. He hadn’t moved so much as an inch since you’d initially spotted him, but now that you were next to him you could see he was shivering, his entire body trembling minutely.

Startled, you focused hard, willing the air around your bodies to raise in temperature. You focused heat in your hands and, ever so slowly, reached out for his flesh hand, taking it between your own. Slowly, the snow around you and Bucky began melting against your heat.

Keeping the temperature consistent was taking all of your concentration, so you didn’t notice at first when he began to stir.

It was only once his hand gently squeezed yours and he murmured “Doll,” that you realized you’d closed your eyes.

Your eyes flicked open, only to be met with his steel blue ones, which were mere inches from yours.

Neither of you moved except for your eyes. Your gaze flicked down to his cold-chapped lips and you knew he was guilty of doing the same. The moment hung in the air like that, neither of you daring to make the first move.

Finally, you couldn’t take the tension anymore.

And you chickened out. “I’m sorry,” you said quickly. It took a moment for it to register, but he’d said the same thing at the exact same time.

You both leaned back a little bit, looking at the other in confusion. “Why are you sorry?” you asked each other, yet again in unison.

You both froze again, looking at each other, gaze flicking nervously to various points on each other’s faces. Then, you both broke out in quiet laughter. It lasted longer than it should have because every time you looked at each other the chuckling fits took over again. You were right earlier. His laugh really was the most wonderful thing you’d ever heard.

Eventually, though, the both of you were able to calm down enough that you were able to speak again. “Why are you sorry?” you asked him quietly, eyes searching his. You tried to not freak out over the fact he hadn’t dropped your hand yet. Maybe it was just because you were warm... but you couldn’t help but hope it was more than that.

“Because I’ve been antisocial all day and I ran out during the first ten seconds of your movie,” he said guiltily.

The words slipped out before you could stop them. “You’re an idiot.”

Your eyes widened in horror at your lack of tact. Him being so close was doing things to your brain... namely turning it to mush. He seemed just as surprised as you by your words and you scrambled to explain yourself before he inevitably took them the wrong way.

“What I mean is you don’t have to be sorry about that! I’m the one who dragged you around all day doing things you didn’t want to do! I didn’t even know what that movie meant to you! I didn’t ask and I should have! It’s not like anything went according to plan, anyway! I came up with so many things I thought you might enjoy but every time those plans blew up in my face and I’m surprised you didn’t just hole up in your room and never speak to me again after the disaster that was today! It really should be Ste-”

Your words were cut off when he placed his metal index finger gently over your lips. “You’re rambling again,” he said, small smile on his lips. “And you have nothing to be sorry for, Doll. I enjoyed today; Way more than I would have alone,” he said quietly. His finger lingered on your lips a few seconds longer than it needed to and you didn’t miss the way his eyes lingered there, too.

You weren’t sure who leaned in first. It could have been him. It might have been you. Chances are, you both leaned in at the same time. The last thing you saw before you closed your eyes and felt his lips on yours were his light blue eyes, pupils blown wide in the darkness.

His lips were soft and cold against yours, causing a shiver to run down your spine. Your hands acted of their own accord, ghosting up his muscular arms to tangle themselves in his hair. Even after warming him up, every inch of him was freezing cold against your fingertips. He sighed into the kiss as your nails scraped lightly against his scalp, your fingertips working life back into him wherever they went. His metal arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you against himself as your lips melded together. His flesh hand came up and cupped the back of your head, pulling you closer, and your lips crushed together frantically.

Much too soon, your body was screaming for air and you broke the kiss. You looked up at him, a little shocked but oh so happy, and you saw a similar look on his features.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for a while now,” he murmured as he rested his forehead against yours, blue eyes boring into yours.

“You- you what?” you sputtered, completely taken by surprise.

He chuckled at you, hoisting you easily into his lap so that you were sitting perpendicular to him. “Come here, I’m cold,” he muttered as he wrapped his arms around your waist and rested his chin on your shoulder, his breath tickling your neck.

You tried to hide how happy you were at these sudden developments, deciding to latch onto what he’d said.

“What did you just say?” you whispered, looking down at him, hands resting on his broad shoulders.

“I’m cold,” he said, grinning up mischievously at you.

“No, before that!” you said, giving him the stink eye.

You couldn’t tell if it was a trick of the low light or not, but you swore Bucky’s cheeks turned an even darker pink than they’d been a moment ago.

“I’ve been wanting to kiss you for a while now,” he murmured, unable to meet your gaze.

For once in your life, you were shocked into silence.

“More than that, though,” he continued quietly. He released one arm from around you and reached into the inner pocket of his sweater, pulling a small, long box out a second later.

You watched, heart thudding in your chest, as he wrapped his arms around you again and rested his chin on your shoulder. He placed his hands in your lap, box between his hands. “I know this is... kind of sudden, and the gift is a day early,” he said quietly. “But I was wondering if you’d be my best girl?” he asked, finally moving the lid out of the way to reveal a necklace. It was a tiny ruby star pendant that perfectly matched the one on his arm, attached to a delicate silver chain.

You felt your breath leave you in a whoosh at his words. He didn’t just want to kiss you... he wanted to date you, too? You turned to look at him, hardly daring to believe your own eyes and ears.

Your silence seemed to make him nervous, but before he could open his mouth, you were able to find your voice.

“Yes! Yes, I’d like that- I’d like that very much, Bucky,” you said quickly, cheeks heating with embarrassment.

The smile he graced you with just then was absolutely dazzling. You thought you’d seen him smile before, but it was nothing compared to this. It was like the sun had come up early, so bright was your world all of a sudden.

You leaned in and kissed him, once again losing yourself in the feeling of his soft lips against yours. How long had you dreamed of something like this? Of kissing Bucky? As it turned out, your dreams couldn’t hold a candle to the reality. The feeling of him underneath you; the soft noises of contentment he made when your fingers tangled in his hair; the way your heart threatened to beat straight out of your chest from happiness and excitement.

The two of you broke apart after a minute, panting slightly for lack of air. The way he was looking up at you made you want to melt into his arms.

“May I?” he asked after a moment, holding the necklace up, eyeing you tentatively.

You nodded eagerly, turning around on his lap so that you faced the same direction as him, making sure your hair was out of the way as you moved.

His hands appeared on either side of your vision, each holding one end of the necklace. He lowered it onto you slowly, the cool metal quickly warming against your skin. You thought he might have trouble doing the tiny clasp with his metal fingers and all, but apparently you needn’t have worried.

“There,” he said softly, placing a butterfly-light kiss to the back of your neck which made you shiver.

You turned to face him and you saw him eye the necklace proudly before his gaze flicked back up to you. “Can... can I show you something?” you asked hesitantly, biting your lip. You didn’t have his present... but perhaps you could still do something special for him.

“Of course, Doll,” Bucky said, half smile on his lips as he nodded.

You hopped off his lap and had the pleasure of seeing Bucky Barnes pout for a moment. “Feet up,” you said, leaning down to place a quick kiss on the tip of his nose, which made his smile return in earnest. He did as you asked, sitting cross-legged on the bench, eyeing you with interest.

You settled carefully back down into his lap, facing away from him, and sent heat through your body, hopefully dispelling the worst of the ice and snow on his legs and feet. Super Soldier or not, the cold probably didn’t feel very good. Your suspicions were confirmed when a vaguely pornographic moan of relief left his lips. You turned to look at him, grinning widely. “If you were that cold you could have asked me to do that a while ago,” you chastised.

“Didn’t seem important at the time,” he murmured, winking mischievously at you.

You couldn’t help the wide smile on your face as you turned to face the base. “Alright, you should probably do your best not to distract me. I don’t think they’ll be very happy if I burn down the compound,” you warned, gathering your power in your hands.

“What-”

“Shh,” you said chastisingly, snuggling into his chest. He shushed and wrapped his arms around your waist and rested his chin carefully on your shoulder. You realized just then exactly how much you liked him right there. Below you. Around you. Beside you. You didn’t think you’d ever get tired of the feeling.

A ball of fire appeared in your hand, starting from a small spark and working up to a tiny inferno. You focused harder, increasing the heat until the flame turned blue and white.

It seemed a shame to you that they could never decorate the outside of the buildings. One of the most fun things about the holiday seasons was seeing houses decked out in yards upon yards of Christmas lights.

With that vision in mind, you sent sparks out from the flame, one after the other, as far as you could across the compound. You were careful to contain their heat so they wouldn’t start fires. You used the tiny blue and white flames to decorate trees, roofs, hand rails, buildings. You made icicles out of flame. You even made a shining north star in the sky. By the time you were done, the outside of the base was a Winter Wonderland that would have put even Disney World to shame. Snow glistened in the light of your fire, basking the entire compound in an ethereal glow. Bucky stared at it all with wide eyes, taking all of it in. The snow and flame reminded you of you and Bucky. You seemed to warm the icy outer shell he always wore and he tempered your fiery unpredictability. You mused about how funny it was that The Winter Soldier was now dating Blaze.

You held it as long as you could, but had to stop after only a few minutes, the lights flickering out all at once. The base suddenly seemed pitch black by comparison and it took your eyes a second to adjust.

“Did... did you like it?” you asked hesitantly, turning your head to look at him sheepishly.

“Did I like it? Doll, that was stunning,” he said earnestly, flesh hand coming up to cup your face, his thumb caressing your cheek gently.

“I... I got you shirts for Christmas. Shirts. And you got me a necklace! With what I assume is a real ruby! I know it isn’t a lot, but I... I’ve been working really hard on controlling my powers and I was playing around in my room one day and found out I could send sparks out like that and I thought that maybe you might like-”

Your tangent was silenced by his lips on yours. It was a short, tender thing that took your breath away just as easily as the longer kisses had.

Bucky was so happy just then he didn’t even care you’d just spoiled the surprise of his Christmas gift. He’d wear those shirts until they were tattered rags. His blue eyes bored into yours, his eyes shining with a light you’d never seen in them until now. “You already gave me the best gift I could have asked for, Doll: The best Christmas I could have ever hoped for... and saying yes to dating a jerk like me.”

You threw your arms around him and he pulled you to his chest. “You’re not a jerk!” you said stubbornly.

“Alright, alright. Fine, I’m not a jerk,” he said, placing a tender kiss to your hair.

The two of you sat like that for a while, cradled in each others arms, enjoying the Winter Wonderland around you.

“Hey, Bucky?”

You felt more than heard his hummed response.

“Want to go inside and watch Elf? It’s a great Christmas movie,” you murmured, burying your face in his neck. He gave you a gentle squeeze in response and you could hear the smile in his voice when he responded, his breath ghosting over your hair.

“In a bit, Doll. Let’s stay out just a little while longer.”

The End

This series is finished, but if you want to be tagged in my other fics, check out this post! Sorry, but responses to this post asking to be tagged will be ignored, so send me an ask or like one of the taglist posts!

☕ Buy Me a Coffee! ☕

[ts-hvv4]

EPISODE ONE: “GAMERS NEVER STOP GAMING” - SHARIFA

As castaways got to know each other, or catch up with old cast mates, the inactivity of others set the wheels in motion for a vote off.

WOW! Season 93 holy cow. This season has started out to be anything but normal. Within my tribe, I’ve played with 5/9 members previously - which is not what I expected. I’m extremely nervous about Ricky and Emma because based off our calls and chats, they’re worried about past drama from Easter island and other ORGs being a factor in our relationships. I’m trying to let go of everything but they seem to disagree. I’ll make a more in depth review of my tribe at a later time!

Ok, so so far I've spoken with a few people. Birch, Keegan, Cheatham, Olivia, Ned, Kurt and Trent. I'm feeling Kurt and Trent so far, Kurt I found out through him we've know each other from possibly an old mini or something, and Trent we have the same interests. So far so good. I know Chris, we had a great bond back in the day but it doesn't mean we will here. Me and Emma used to talk but I saw she recently unfriended me so...and Sarah I love her, Andreas I hope is the same Andreas because I miss him. Matt I lowkey want to meet because distance wise he's the closest to me, so we could maybe bond about similar areas and such, and he seems cool. I may have more to same later but this is how I feel right now!

I cannot believe I was uber nervous last night! I have no clue why either, guess it was because it was a lot at one time and like seeing others say it was a super strong cast was a lot. Given I just got into this community like a month ago I think I was able to see my biggest obstacle will be getting to somehow squeeze in and be comfortable since I am like extremely shy ahhhhhh

* a little while lateR*

A lot of my tribe seemed really cool! Dennis I feel the closest to already and then Andreas was so nice to keep me informed on things. Matt is also like the bombdiggity, Sarah is a sassy omelette, Kage is like the second coming of Shaggy Rogers, Ricky/Niklas I look forward to talking to more and the others I hope to talk to some more but because I woke up 10 minutes ago my memory sucks

WHY TF IS MATT SUMMERS HERE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Anyways I like everyone on my tribe. Birch is once again making friendship bracelets (they never sent out the ones they made in tashirojima lmao) and everyone is so enamored and I’m just like yep mhm. I’m getting along well with Ned, Keegan, and Kurt. Sharifa and I finally have a good dialogue going this morning and I really like her but she’s won like twice and I know trent has her high on his kill list for that. Malik and I finally talked today more which was nice. Cheatham seems cheeky and we talked a little bit not much and I’m really dropping the ball with Jake I feel bad like I def need to talk to him but agh it’s so hard trying to keep up with nine people lmao. It’s like birch and I are just going through the motions like we don’t even know what to say really other than hi how’re you I’m good thanks bc of all we went through in the game we just played. I wish I could vote them out so I wouldn’t have to deal with all those emotions. Also I’m very distressed about matt summers being here he probably doesn’t even remember me but oh sweet jesus GC was so horrible for me and I don’t hate him or anything but he double idoled me out like why tf did he have to be here 😭😭

Malik is not a lotr fan rip him

Alright, I've had some time to sleep on this game and I have some early thoughts. I think yesterday I put my guard up to soon. This season I am going to be more cool, calm, and collected then I have in previous seasons. I know I have a past with some people, who I really don't trust. I think it would be stupid for my narrative to be based around drama that occurred 5 years ago when I was 17, so I am going to be the bigger person here and hope other people aren't.

Last night a couple people jumped on call. This included Kage, Matt, Sarah, Emma, Chris, Ricky, and I. The call brought me right back to 2015 - it was wild. We kind of had a little chat about our past games. Anyways, then Ricky out of the blue brings up my FTC in Easter Island - a season which had so much tension. There were two sides - My Alliance and Ricky's alliance. Ricky's alliance pretty much maintained control of the game the entire game, and seventeen year-old Andreas was salty about it. I thought it was interesting he did that..... it concerns me he may still be mad at me for things that happened five years ago.

*Andreas walks away from the camera, does a big sigh and plops himself back down on the rock*

Time for a review of my tribe: 

 Sarah - LOVE OF MY LIFE!!! Sarah and I go back way far in Bangladesh. We spent my entire game together where she blindsided me. Since then, we've become great friends and I even flew to Vancouver to meet her IRL. She's my #1 in this game for sure. 

 Kage - Eastern Canadian King! I met Kage in Great Lakes where we didn't see eye-to-eye in a game sense but got along on a personal level. The GL cast remains one of my fav casts I've ever played with and I'm excited to meet this new Kage.

 Emma - Emma is a dangerous player. Every game I've ever played with her, aside from Jordan Pines, she has done me so dirty. After the last game we played, my guard is really up with her, so I am going to try to not get too wrapped in her web.

 Ricky - Not sure how he feels about me, I would like to work with him because he is smarter then people give him credit for. Hopefully it all works out between us. 

 Chris - I like Chris. I think Chris is buttering me up though, not sure if he really wants to work with me or this is all an act. Either way, he has made it clear he has no connections and is a hero so he for sure someone I'd like to go far with :) 

Matt - Matt fucking Summers (in the words of Laure LMAO). Matt is a really nice guy, but has the reputation of being very dangerous. In a weird way, I think I can kind of be the watered down Matt Summers depending on the day. I would love to work with him, because I think he's a big personality that could place me in the background of the game. 

 Dennis - I find speaking with Dennis so easy! Not only is he nice and personable, but easy to have a good chat with. I would like to work with Dennis if I can. 

 Lukas - I find chatting with Lukas a bit harder then I should, but I expect it just based off our personalities. I am really trying hard to socialize with him, so hopefully it shouldn't be terrible. 

 Nick - Nick is in a similar spot to Lukas for me - but I don't find it as hard to chat with him. I'm drawing from my improv expertise this season and doing a lot of 'yes and' ing to stuff. With him, that's what I've been doing in the hopes I can build a stronger relationship. So far it's working. 

 That's all for now! Let's see what happens with Kage at the island thing haha

 SOOO Emma is amazing. I really hope she's not good friends with anyone else in the cast cause I love her and I want her to be my #1 Jake is chill. I'm gonna keep him around for a bit, but he ALWAYS backstabs his friends so I don't trust him Chris seems cool. He's gonna be a schemer/utr I feel it. But I enjoy talking to him Matt, I'm still trying to get a feel for. He's from WV so I started talking to him about Noah Salvatore and somehow they went to the same school together so he clearly has bad luck. Dennis and I have been getting along. I talked to him a lot about my game last time tho. That made me realize I need to keep my friendships with Jake and Emma on the LOW. Kage is messy. Even this morning he's still talking to me like this: it’s terrivle nothing bere i haven't really talked to anyone else yet. Ricky and Kage both just seem so hard to talk to one on one. 

Hi!! so I am the first one on my tribe to go to Ancient Thera. Kage came from the other tribe and HE IS NOVA SCOTIAN!!!!!!!! F2 right there!!! I am so hyped that I met him!!! he lives an hour from me!!!! AHHHHHHH!! I also betrayed him already and went for tribal advantage instead of personal as we agreed. also, the chances of me and him are so high I'm actually so excited!!. I can Picture me and hm becoming good friends, he and I have a lot in common. this tribe is also amazing!!

Oh god I’ve never played this challenge and I’ve always felt bad for those who did fuck

First Confessional! It's been about a day since the season began and this tribe is rockin'! I've had some pretty great conversations with most of the tribe. However there have been a couple people lacking in the social department. Most notably is NED, who I've apparently played with before but I can barely remember him. I guess he's just been busy all day, and it's only been a day so I'm not holding it against him much. SHARIFA has not been the most social with me but we have discussed some New Years resolutions and how poorly we do with those. Aside from that, I really like BIRCH, MALIK and KURT. I think they're top notch people so far and I'm hoping I can plod on forward and actually form an alliance of sorts with them. My biggest struggle right now is trying to decide whether I want to initiate any game talk this early, or if I should just hold out for a little longer so I don't come across like I'm playing too hard right out of the gates.

How does one turn a convo from fun and friendly to strategic without just straight up being like “how do you feel about everybody” bc that’s such a loaded question but the easiest route to what you wanna talk about lmao. TLDR I’m trying to talk to Kurt strategically and I’ve typed and deleted a message about a million times. Ned and I bonded super well we called for a minute and I feel so bad bc he’s like “I get close to one person and we’re together to the end I’m super loyal” and I’m like ME TOO NORMALLY BUT I ALREADY HAVE LUKAS AND TRENT and like I already love Ned I wanna be his friend and I know he trusts me super well already so that’s good I’m just worried for if/when he finds out I already have a tight twosome ahdjsks. But that’s way ahead I needn’t worry rn. I want a four person alliance with Kurt, Ned, Trent and myself. Ned said he liked Kurt and Trent so that’s great and Trent is obviously down so I just gotta grow a pair and talk to Kurt. I also really like Kellogg (can’t remember his real name ever but it’s similar to Kellogg; I’m such an ass) and Sharifa too she’s super cool. She’s won twice so I’m a littler nervy but I like her a lot. I talked with Jake a little bit more but still not much and cheatham I think I ignored all day yikes. Birch is beloved in the eyes of the tribe rn but hehe I’m still not buying into it sorry!! I like them a lot outside of the game but I’ll never ever trust them in a game. I was talking with Ned and he said he hasn’t connected well with them and wouldn’t mind voting them out so woo. It’s gonna be tricky to try and get that to have any traction since she just did something generous for the tribe sigh. Gonna have to be patient like I was patient with someone else in Mykonos. I can be patient, certainly.

I FORGOT MALIK he’s so kind I like him a lot but he’s not as giving in a convo as others so I feel like I don’t know him as well but we’re developing that relationship

I just really like our tribe

*a little while later*

Malik is so sweet, I think he needs an emoji tutorial tho 😂 sometimes he’ll send an emoji and I’m a little perplexed why he chose that one but it’s all very endearing

So Kage and his Thera shit... SHADYYY. He said if they won the challenge they get themselves an advantage in the game but if they lose, the TRIBE gets a disadvantage in the immunity. He specified the tribe and the immunity thing. But didn't specify that winning the comp would give the TRIBE an advantage. But here we are. Birch's tribe got an advantage and we got a disadvantage. I. Call. Bullshit. I think Kage got an advantage in the game in exchange for a disadvantage and it just trying to keep it secret. I'm honestly gonna keep pushing this theory so other people wanna vote Kage later. I asked Kage questions about the challenge and... Me, A psychology major: "He's giving a LOT of details here. Liars tend to do that" Also me, a psychology major: "Okay but these details sound right. That's a lot to make up" There's been a few people that I feel like I haven't been able to strike good convos with yet I'd put my ranking like this Emma > Chris > Dennis > Andreas >>>>> Kage/Lukas/Matt > Sarah > Ricky. But that big gap feels like a disconnect. AND I haven't fully talked to Emma because she keeps getting distracted when I try to chat with her. I'm just banking on our connection before the game I do feel really good about Chris and Dennis and I think Andreas was trying to talk game with me today. So we'll see. It could be a decent group that gets formed. But I'm sure those 3 are being super social with everyone else so idk where that puts me Post Tribal Reaction: "Advantages were for the taking. Kage gave me way too much power over his tribe and the advantages so I snaked him" - Birch I'm trying to sus out what that's insinuating cause it SOUNDS like you could just take advantages. Smh at Kage

I already knew trent was like my dude but HE LOVES LES MIS TOO

Yesterday’s word of the day: hedgehog Today’s word of the day: morning morning morning

So this game started at a very inopportune time. I have an exam in 2 hours and another one tomorrow, so I haven't been super active in the tribe chat-- but after realizing that, I've decided to use it as a strategy. I'm not going to talk much in the tribe chat, but I'll have individual conversations with people. That way, it seems like I'm very invested in each individual relationship but am not super connected with the rest of the tribe, so people will hopefully see me as a trustworthy ally! I've connected really well with Olivia and we seem to be on the same page-- we're loyal to our ride-or-dies and hate drama. We called and I think this is an alliance to watch. I was also aligned with Jake in Crossroads, my most recent TS season, so I think he's going to be a built-in ally. Apart from them, Trent and Kurt seem cool and I won't be sad if anyone else gets voted out. Most of my conversations with other people have been very surface level, but I think that's fine since it's only day 2. On the other tribe, there's Sarah and Andreas-- in every game I've played with Sarah, we have never lied to each other once. She's been my closest ally out of every ORG I've played, so I know 100% that if we're able to link up we'll run the show. After Bangladesh, I got close with both Sarah and Andreas, so I'm feeling pretty confident about a swap. 

Okay hi, first time playing a TS in a year weeeeeee!! The only person I know on this tribe is Ned S. and we haven't talked in 2 and a half years so GREAT good tribe lineup for me. However he really wants to work with me and I do too so hopefully there's some leverage there. Tbh I haven't connected with anyone on this tribe yet, every convo is like pretty surface level so im like dsjnsfnfjsd i need people that I can turn up with. I wanna turn up w Nicklas and Sara but theyre on the other tribe so this is rigged and of course we lost first... i always lose first.... idek who to vote out cus no one is inactive this is so fun for me goodbye

We lost the challenge, and I’m sad about that. Then I’m told by Keegan that there’s talk of a group with me, Sharifa, Olivia, Keegan, and Trent. How do I feel about that? Good except for the fact I feel it confirms the suspicions of Trent and Olivia talking either, and the fact that Kurt and Jake aren’t involved. So me and Kurt said we’d tell each other everything that’s going on, so I feel I do need to tell him about this alliance, but I can’t have him asking people about it or people might know I told Kurt through Sharifa if she thinks I actually did that. So now I need to let him know, and I need to keep him safe. I’m glad to be in a group I just need to protect Kurt at all costs.

Well we lost the first challenge and boy does that suck. I was really hoping we could pull out a few wins at the start of the game and have no issues moving forward. But that didn't happen and now we have to go to tribal council. Yuck! Right off the bat after losing the challenge I went in and did something I've never done before and never been comfortable doing before. And that's building an alliance. I sat for a few moments (and that's really all it was) before I jumped right into some conversations. Those first few minutes consisted of OLIVIA, TRENT, SHARIFA and MALIK. And now we have the MCDONALDS GANG. It's currently only a group of five but that's most likely all we'll need. It should be easy enough for us to wrangle in one or two people to vote out whoever we want to get out. I'm so proud of myself for really jumping right in there and getting things done. OLIVIA was the biggest factor in that. We immediately decided on who we liked (SHARIFA and TRENT) and pulled in MALIK for being a great dude. I'm really trying my hardest to step outside my comfort zone and get shit done this time around. As of right now (only a few hours after the challenge) my first choice for a target would be NED, solely because he's been the least talkative to me out of everyone. But that doesn't mean he's an easy choice. Everyone on Ammonia tribe is so great. We've still got a full day to decide who we want to target and get out. If it's not NED, perhaps JAKE might be the next best option. However, now that I've got this group together, I'm not going to be too pushy. We'll decide things as a group moving forward until later on in the game. I don't want to overplay too hard and I don't really want to be seen as the ring leader of the group.

I’d like to pat myself on the back because I was about to make a joke about how Sophie had to pretend to be religious in her game and how hard that must’ve been but then I remembered Ned is religious and I managed to hold back!!! Not making bad jokes upgrade woo

Well, this game is already not what i expected. I wasn't expecting mixed tribes, i wasn't expecting so many old schoolers, and i wasn't expecting everybody to be so nice. So far i'm just trying to be super social with everyone. My biggest fault in Indonesia is that none of the jury felt like they truly knew me. So i'm trying to be more open and more personal. and so far i think it's working. At first i really didn't want to work with Sharifa. Just looking at her stats I can see how dangerous she is. But we've really bonded over the past few days and shes one of my closest friends in this game right now. Her and Olivia are the ones I trust the most. I could be a fool and falling right into her trap, but we will see. I know Sharifa will be a huge target if we all make it to merge together so she's good to keep around as a shield for right now, but eventually I'm not going to be able to work with her any longer, but I dont know when that day will be. I am now in an alliance with Sharifa, Olivia, Keega, and Malik. We all seem to be on the same page for the first vote. Ned and Cheatham have been a lot less active than the first so one of them will be the first boot. I hate that it's probably Cheatham because I really did want to work and play this game with him. But if he's not going to put forth an effort then theres no way I'm going to risk my neck saving him. I just have to find the right way to tell him it's him. because if he hears it from someone other than me he might have a messy exit. Just need to get through this first vote and then the 5 of us will have a majority and should be ok until a swap. I've also been added to a smaller alliance of Olivia and Ned. I haven't really had a chance to talk with Ned but Olivia says he's great and that we will get along great. And i trust Olivia's judgement. But at this point Ned is just an extra vote to use because I'm not going to risk my game to try to save a player I barely know.

I think this game is off to a great start! Our tribe won immunity which was great, it allows me more time to build stronger relationships within the tribe. Some key things I wanna note: Matt expresses about how he wants to work together and I was like ‘yeah sure’ but he also messaged Sarah a much more genuine message about how he trusts her and I think that’s SUS ... I trust him for now but who knows . Ricky wants to work with me this game ?? Idk if he’s lying but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt and I will believe him because we do a good rapore so it makes sense to work with him. He continues to say I’m the the only one he 100% trusts at this moment and i want to believe he’s not buttering me up and he’s loyal. I’ve been having meaningful discussions with everyone else. Emma is on my radar because she doesn’t want to talk to me unless it game talk and normally that’s what she does when she doesn’t really want to work with me... honestly would prefer her to go first but she seems well connected based off prior connections so that’s that. I’m not telling anyone but Sarah about how I feel about Emma truly because I can’t have her sniffing me out ... and plus loose lips sink ships. I’ve also been lying to a lot of people in this game for the purpose of appearing more personable to them... LOL.... like Lukas asked me about my thoughts on normani’s new music video and switch games and I lied through my teeth and looked stuff up to have shit to talk about. I wanna form strong connections now so people feel allegiance to me later. Hopefully we can go to tribal soon so I can test these loyalties ... anyways that’s all for now xoxo

Tribal day and I’ve found myself stumbling into yet another alliance, this time with BIRCH and MALIK. We’re just waiting for MALIK to get online but it’s a pretty sure thing that this alliance is happening. That means MALIK and I are both in the two same alliances which covers 6 of the people in the game. Unfortunately that means JAKE, NED and KURT are (at least to my knowledge) not in any major alliances. It’s certainly possible they have something going on with other people so I’m not going to rule it out entirely. I know it’s super early in the game but I’m feeling like I’ve found a good solid footing.

Hi im on the villains tribe...shocker Andreas is my #1 and when ned and I get on a tribe i will get him to be my number #1 and i know jake will want to work with me and matt summers wants to be close too so im thinking im good I dont trust emma or anyone else 

 Dusty

okay, we have tribal tonight, YAY. I am feeling okay. right now it is between Cheatham and Ned. I might push for Ned to go because I really like Cheatham. How I am feeling towards the other people is as follows Olivia- just played with you, did you real dirty in that game, sorry. I want to ally with you in this game more. Keegan- I really like you! you're awesome, i feel very comfortable with you and are allied with. stan. Tea Sluts 4 Lyfe. Sharifa- Not going to lie, you scare the hell out of me. we are allied, ily. everyone else: you are really nice, not strong feelings towards anyone.

I really like Kurt I wish we had included him in the alliance :( I feel like he’d be so fun to call

It is WILLLLLLD to be back, had no idea what I was getting myself into. Coming into Heroes vs Villains 4 I had the entirely wrong perception that I would be on a tribe with all Villains. Twistos Twist, it’s mixed….but you could have told me I was on the heroes tribe because everyone is so fucking nice….DO I LOOK LIKE A HERO WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR LIFE ALKJSDF. I feel like Colton in Blood vs Water on the kumbya tribe. So here are my thoughts on the flower children of the Ammonia tribe. My one solace is Kurt. We played together before on Generations, and he was actually my number 1 before Jakey was. What happened you ask? Liana and Andrew decided Kurt’s head would look great around their necks, and I could either vote with them, or go to rocks. So to avoid a tie, I ended up voting him out...and honestly it's one of my FEW regrets I have from the game. And it’s weird because I won Generations, but I still wish I had gone to rocks for him. I’VE CERTAINLY GONE TO ROCKS FOR LESS IN CHALLENGERS VS CHAMPIONS FKLAJSDF. Needless to say, he’s my ride or die, and I hope he can put the past behind him because I’m loyal as fuck to my ride or dies, just ask L’Shei and Jakey <3. Trent is probably the second person I’m trying to talk game with. He’s a biggggg strategist, even if he wants to pretend that he’s not...your that girl I knew you were. It’s been a big strategy of mine to play a wolf in sheeps clothing. This time around I can’t, my record is intimidating and there’s no way around it. So the only way I feel I can be successful is by amassing an alliance of heavy hitters. The only problem with that, is gamers never stop gaming, and they are going to want me out at some point. So I’m working hard to invest with Trent, and to play with him, but I’m FULLY aware he wants me out. It’s WHEN he wants me out, that’s the real question. And can he benefit my game, before then??? Malik is so fucking nice, super geunine, I like him, BUT he’s playing with his dick. He has this whole showmance with Kurt and it’s like habibi...what is you doin. It’s good for my game because he’s loyal to my closest ally, but it’s also like...we’re playing a game, play it. I do think Malik is someone Kurt and I can rely on, and I really adore him. It would be nice to play with another queer poc. I just don’t know if he’s a big gamer if we’re going to be real. Birch is….SO HARD TO TALK TO. Literally today I told them I was nervous after the challenge, because my strategy didn’t work, their response? “I BET!” FLAKSDFKJASKJFASD BRUH. Despite the teeth I want to pull, trying to have a conversation with them, they are genuinely nice and I feel it’s worth investing in talking with them. The only thing I’m nervous about is their relationship to Trent. Trent talks about them as a number, so I wonder if Birch is in his back pocket, especially considering the lack of game they talk. Olivia is a RE-HEALLLLLY interesting one. She doesn’t talk much, has her own language, that I do not speak, yet the SECOND we lost the challenge, her and Keegan orchestrated this whole majority alliance. And despite her being voted out by Trent, at the final 4, they seem to be working together. I think she’s 1) a villain not a hero, and 2) playing a lot more than I initially suspected. I think she likes me, we have a “we’re the only two girls on the tribe” thing going. LISTEN I WILL USE ANYTHING I’M A VILLAIN FOR A REASON. And she was the one who I think brought me into this magical majority alliance, so I guess we have a good relationship??? Definitely keeping two eyes, and two ears on her, she’s a player. Keegan….all I know about him is I think he’s close with Olivia, and that he’s spearheaded the alliance. I barely spoke with him, but we sent music to each other so clearly I’m gaming harder than I thought FKLAJSDF. He’s a tough one to figure out, I don’t trust him, and I think he has more relationships than I initially surmised, but right now he feels good with me so let’s celebrate that.gif Ned is INCH-RESTING. Barely spoke until after the immunity, now we’re talking fairly consistently. The two names being brought up for the vote are Ned and Cheatham, but Ned is putting in work to save himself. Ned is transparent and straight the fuck up, which is so necessary to build trust. Meanwhile Trent’s over here holding his cards to his chest closer than a new born baby. I’m very interested in working with Ned down the road, he just needs to make it past this rough patch, which I’m doing everything I can to make sure he does. At first I was really turned off by Jake….HIS BIO VIDEO WAS SO FUNNY. “My last expierene was horrible, fuck tumblr survivor, BUT IM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK KISSES”. But I realized once you speak his language of “white gay” he opens up ALOT. He also has an amazing record, and that is a plus for me not a minus, it has to be considering how scary people think my record is. I’m interested to see how he’s a good player, because right now he’s been so quiet and on the chopping block. I’m keeping my options open with him, not saying I’m going to work with him, but not not saying I’m going to work with him. Finally Cheatham. He’s honestly the only person on the tribe that I don’t have a relationship with, and because of that, he’s my target. This time around I HAVE to play calmer, and as much as I want to flip things on this majority alliance consisting of Trent, Malik, Olivia, Keegan and myself, I need to use it to get past these first couple votes. What has me so paranoid, is it makes the MOST sense to take me out right now. I haven’t solidified connections, I have an intimidating record, the strategy didn’t win the challenge, and everyone finds me likable which should be a GIANT red flag. I would be who I would go after, so why aren’t they??? And then that makes me paranoid, but it would be a lot of effort to make this alliance just to make someone feel comfortable. So if the path of least resistance is sending Cheatham home, I have to fight every desire I have to cause chaos, and make sure that’s what happens, because strategically it’s the smartest thing to do. Anticipating this season having a lot of swaps, if Cheatham leaves then I have a solid relationship with everyone else going into a swap, and swaps are when I’m going to be the MOST vulnerable. That and the merge but let’s survive this vote before we even start THINKING of that. 

There’s always that major fear that like everyone is lying their ass off to you and it’s actually you but I pray that ain’t true

[cajunroe]

bradray + college!au ↳ ray didn’t believe in love at first sight, but damn it if the world wasn’t testing him. in his four years at the university, he’s never seen anyone like the man that he saw walking across campus. tall, really fucking tall, blonde hair, built like a tank, and when they made eye contact he swore the man felt the same charge he did. and ray? ray was in love. in possible every sense of the word. the man looked at him again, but then he kept walking. ray wanted to chase after the guy, needed to chase after him, there was something that compelled him to go. this was the the nth time he’d seen this guy and everytime he’d just miss him. unfortunately, his class had run over and he was late for work at the local radio station. as he got comfortable in the booth, a thought came to him and he laughed into his intro. if he couldn’t find the, quite possible, love of his life, maybe the love of his life would find him. ray doesn’t think about it, has never really thought the consequences of his actions, but the results of his actions lead to something he never imagined.

ray looked at walt who was shaking his head, but signalling ray’s intro anyway.

he didn’t care if walt thought this was a bad idea, at least it was an idea. walt had offered nothing in return while ray went on and on about the guy he saw.

“ray, i get it. the guy is hot. doesn’t mean you’re in love.”

ray looked intensely at walt, eye narrowing, “he isn’t just hot walt. he’s more than that.”

walt saw how serious ray was, for once nothing but sincerity in his expression, “how do you know?”

ray shrugged and put on his atrocious black and gold sunglass, “i just know.” and went into the booth.

he laughed as the familiar sounds flowed into his ears through the headphones.

“hey everybody! how we doin’? good? alright you guys before we get you all rockin’ and rollin’ like pimps, i have to be honest, i need your help. i’ve seen this guy on campus for the past couple of months. looks like a damn viking, i swear. he’s tall, blonde hair, and blue eyes and he was wearing a black shirt today. not the most specific description, but bear with me, i swear this guy is the one. homes, if any of you saw him or know him, call in. no joke, you guys are the best and i really need your help. okay now with all my beautiful gay shit out of the way, let’s get started with some presley.”

ray queued “i’m all shook up” and smiled when he saw walt roll his eyes and throw his hands into the air.

nate listened to the radio in the car, waiting for brad to get out of class so they could start their project for military strategies.

“...looked like a damn viking...tall, blonde hair, and blue eyes and he was wearing a black shirt.”

nate thought it kind of sounded like brad, but there’s no way.

just then he saw brad walking down the stairs of the history building and choked. he was wearing a black shirt today.

“ray...no fucking way!” he shouted.

he started laughing and didn’t stop until they were on the road and brad asked him, “why the fucking are you laughing like that?” 

nate just shrugged and smiled.

“nothing, how were your classes today?”

“fine.” brad said, clipped. normally he’d be going on a rant about the institution that he was attending and how it’s systematically destroy capitalism or some other tangent.

“what’s on your mind?” nate asked casually, like he wasn’t fishing for information, even though brad knew he was.

“nothing.”

“brad.”

“i saw that guy on campus again today and i don’t know, something happened. it’s weird. everything about it is so fucking weird.”

nate nodded and the two drove as the radio played ‘complicated’ by avril lavigne.

when he heard brad singing along gently, he smiled.

nate wished he could rewind the radio, instead he took the longest way possible to their library, stopping for coffee, in hopes that someone would call and brad could hear it.

so far, they had no luck. six calls in twenty minutes and none of them panned out.

walt chimed in his ear, “ray i think this might be the real deal. line 3.”

ray answered and hit record just in case.

“this is ray ray wattup homes?”

“yeah i know exactly who you’re talking about.”

“okay, wanna be a little less vague man?” 

“look, he’ll be at the library until ten tonight.” 

“okay, you sound like a psycho, but thanks for trying man.”

“i’m not joking. his name is brad and he’ll be there, i promise you.”

the man hung up and ray laughed when walt put his fists in the air, more happy that ray would do his job rather than if he found the guy he hasn’t shut up about.

walt queued him in again after another song finished.

“thanks for all the help everyone! i think i found something legit. thank you caller number seven. now it’s 7:30 everyone, so for the next half hour, you know what that means!”

ray queued a shuffled selection of one direction and left the booth for his break.

walt met him in the hallway and laughed as ray shoved an entire candy bar in his mouth.

“you’re a real catch, person.”

ray smiled, chocolate covering his teeth and dripping out of his mouth.

“fanks falt” ray attempted to say.

he chugged a bottle of water and waited for walt to say whatever he was waiting to say.

“so what’re you gonna do ray?”

“i’m gonna do what i always do hassler, fuck everything up.”

walt smiled and nodded, “good. so long as we’re all on the same page.”

nate hung up the phone just as brad was getting back into the car.

“they didn’t have that gay mineral shit you drink so i grabbed regular water because you should have some sort of balls when it comes to your choice in beverage.”

nate laughed and pulled out of the gas station, “for someone who’s gay, you use that adjective a lot.”

brad smiled as he looked out the window, “yeah, because i know what gay is and mineral water is gay as shit, nate.”

nate just laughed more and turned up the radio.

brad groaned and tried to change it but nate slapped his hand away.

“i hate this guy, he talks too much.”

nate choked on the water he was trying to drink.

brad slapped him on the back a couple times.

“what’s with you today man?”

“n-nothing,” nate gasped. 

they pulled into the library just as ’what makes you beautiful’ started playing.

nate hoped he was right about this, if not he would just end up seeing his two best friends hurt.

ray’s shift ended around nine and it took him thirty minutes to get back to campus because of construction, ten to find a parking spot, and five to make it into the library.

“we close in fifteen minutes,” the uninterested receptionist said without looking up from her magazine.

“yeah i know, i’m not a fucking idiot.”

she looked up, appalled, but ray was already halfway down the hall.

so ray was here, and apparently this brad guy was too. the only problem was that there nine fucking floors and the library was huge. caller seven could’ve at least said where he was going to be.

“fuck!” 

some people at a table nearby shushed him and he held his middle finger up as he walked away.

he sighed, defeated and went outside to smoke and call walt.

“no luck, man. did you know the library was a fucking mansion?”

“did you look on the other floors?”

“no.”

“ray!”

“look walt disney, he probably wasn’t even here. the caller was probably just some fucking prick playing a joke.”

“ray person, you get your gay ass in there and find this guy. i’m not gonna listen to you for the next month whining.”

“but-”

“just go!”

walt hung up abruptly and ray cursed, stubbed out his cigarette and moved to go back inside.

he was checking his phone when he opened the door and didn’t see the someone was walking out.

he crashed into the other person and it felt like he hit a brick wall.

not looking up he yelled, “fuck! watch where you’re fucking walking man.”

“me? you’re too busy looking at your phone to notice someone was fucking walking out.”

ray looked up as the other man looked down and both of their hearts skipped a beat.

“you!” the both said simultaneously.

the stared at one another, both feeling something powerful, but neither knowing what to say. 

“i-” ray started but some opened the door on the other side of him and it knocked him into brad.

“you’re a clumsy piece of shit, aren’t you?” brad asked, not heat in his words, just an odd fondness.

ray looked up to see a bright smile on brad’s face.

“what can i say, bradley? i guess i’m falling for you.” 

in that moment, ray remembered that grandmother always used to say that his mouth moved faster than the speed of light. he assumed she meant that no one could ever catch up, but this time it included himself and he, for once in his light, cursed himself for not thinking before he spoke.

luckily or unluckily, nate chose that moment to interrupt.

“brad the printer in there is fubared, i’ll just print it at my apart-oh...ray....brad...am i interrupting something?”

ray assumed they paint quite the picture. brad was holding onto ray’s arms, tightly if ray was to say anything about it, and ray’s hands were on brad’s broad, warm chest. 

brad pushed ray away, harshly, and said, “no.” 

he turned and walked down the stairs like he hadn’t just broken ray’s heart.

nate waited until brad was far enough away before he turned to ray, “you okay?”

“you?! it was fucking you! and you knew? and let me come here like a fucking idiot?”

nate flinched at ray’s angered passion.

“ray, li-”

“no nate! i thought i could fucking trust you and then you pull this? christ i’ve been talking about this guy for so fucking long and you knew how i felt and you knew the whole fucking time? fuck you nate!” 

ray ran down the stairs as fast as he could.

“ray!” nate tried, but his friend was gone...possibly for good.

“fuck!” 

the group from the table had walked out and gasped at his outburst.

“fuck off,” he shouted at them and walked back to his car.

brad was miserable, he’d, quite literally, pushed away the guy that had been tormenting him for months. he fucked up and he didn’t know why he did what he did.

ray was miserable. he knew he’d fuck things up, like he always did. he just didn’t expect nate, of all people, to fuck him over. 

nate was miserable. mostly because his two best friends were miserable and because ray wouldn’t talk to him. he needed a plan, he needed...he needed walt!

“hey hass, it’s me. listen, what do you think about a party?”

“i think it’s a word. what are you talking about?”

“look i know ray is probably driving you mad with the moping, right?”

“like you would not believe. do you know how many times i’ve had to listen to my heart will go on?”

nate laughed.

“it’s not funny nate! it’s not even the real version! it’s an instrumental and ray sings the whole thing!”

nate laughed harder, “look things aren’t good on my end either. brad won’t talk to anyone and he just stares out the window like a lost puppy. he hasn’t said a single word to me since last week. i don’t know what’s gotten into him.”

walt sighed, “alright look i’ll talk to ray and you talk to brad and we’ll talk tonight and see what’s up. if all else fails, we throw a party and lock them in a room together because our lives are jokes.”

nate found brad where he’d been for the past week, in the chair by the front window, staring outside.

“brad, i know you don’t want to talk, but for it’s been a fucking week. tell me what’s going on.”

brad stared at nate for a long time before looking back out the window and asking nate something he’d never thought brad would ask.

“do you believe in love at first sight?”

nate smiled, “yeah i do.”

“don’t smile. it’s a fucking curse, nate.”

nate frowned, “so you’re in love?”

brad sighed, “i think so, but i fucked it up. it’s weird, ray’s not even my type. like he’s somehow the furthest thing from my type, but i’m drawn to him regardless.”

nate struggled for a response, he wasn’t used to brad being so open. hell, half the time he wasn’t sure brad was feeling anything beside annoyance and tolerance. for brad to talk to him like this, it had to be serious to him.

“so...what do you want to do about it?”

“something. fuck, nothing. i don’t fucking know.”

nate was curious, brad might shut down if he pushed too hard, but he had to try.

“brad, when you think about ray, how do you feel?”

brad was silent for a long time, so long that nate didn’t think he’d answer.

brad whispered, “happy.”

nate smiled, “good. now i have a plan.”

brad rolled his eyes, “your plans never fucking work nate. their snafued before they even start.”

“yeah well half the time it’s because none of you ever fucking listen to me.”

brad smiled and nate was relieved that they were finally getting somewhere.

the part at walt’s apartment was in full swing. music blasting, people dancing, and laughing was heard all around.

ray sat in a corner by the window and ignored all of it. 

walt had tried to talk to him about brad, but ray didn’t say one word, just told him to fuck off and would leave the room.

walt was keeping an eye on his friend when his phone buzzed.

nate: we’re almost there. is he there? 

walt: yeah he’s moping in the corner. you sure this’ll work?

nate: i hope. but it’ll probably be a disaster because brad colbert is acting like a nervous teenager and driving like a madman. we’ll mostly likely be dead by the end of the night.

walt: good thing there’s plenty of booze.

nate and brad walked up to the third floor and to walt’s door.

nate knocked when he heard brad swear.

“what is it?”

“i can’t do this.”

brad turned his back on nate, but didn’t walk away.

“brad.”

brad spoke without turning around.

“no this isn’t something i do, nate. i can’t look at him without feeling like a fucking schoolgirl, okay?”

“b-brad.”

“i’ve barely spoke three sentences to ray and some part of me knows him like the back of my hand and i can’t get him out of my head.”

“BRAD.”

“and it freaks me the fuck out because how do you tell someone, you’ve never really met, that you love them? and i fucking love him.”

“BRAD!”

brad turned around and his heart stopped.

walt heard a knock at the door but was “in the middle of something” and asked ray to get it.

ray sighed and went to open the door, surprised to see nate there, but even more surprised to hear someone yelling in the hall.

nate’s eyes widened and he tried to get brad’s attention.

“...i can’t look at him without feeling like a fucking schoolgirl, okay?”

he tried again.

“...i can’t get him out of my head.”

and again.

“...i fucking love him.”

and the last time worked.

brad stared at ray, whose jaw had nearly hit the floor.

ray stared at brad, who looked like he was about to run away and never come back.

nate looked at the two of them with fondness, “i’m just gonna...i gotta...beer.”

he pushed ray out of the way and slammed and locked the door.

neither man spoke, just awkwardly stared at one another.

ray spoke first, “hi.”

brad released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

“hi.”

ray laughed, “well this is the most ridiculous gay shit i’ve been a part of and i’ve done some gay shit let me tell you.”

he was rambling, like usual, but it did the job. brad laughed and stepped a little closer to ray.

then he asked ray the most ridiculous question.

“do you drink mineral water?”

ray scoffed, “i said i’m gay man, not fucking weird.”

brad laughed and moved closer to ray, effective pinning him to the door.

for a long moment they just looked at one another, still feeling that same pull they’d first felt months ago, only this time is was much, much stronger.

“can i kiss you?” brad asked awkwardly, but he needed to know ray was on the same page.

“what the fuck else do you think i want you to do?”

brad smiled, smug and satisfied before he leaned in and kiss ray within an inch of his life.

walt groaned, it was the third day in a row, and ray would not stop playing love songs.

“well gang, that’s a wrap on tonight. i guess i can tell you that your old pal ray ray is officially off the market. in love and gay as hell. my mother would be moderately proud. bradley, this one is for you baby.”

ray queued ‘teenage dirtbag’ and smiled when brad came into the booth.

“that’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.”

ray smiled, “really?”

“no. now get the fuck up, we both have two days off and i plan on spending the next 48 hours fucking you on every available surface.”

ray groaned, “god i love you.”

brad smiled, the one that told ray everything he needed to know.

“i love you too, shithead.”

...but sometimes he enjoyed hearing it too.

@thebenevolentberserker - thank you! send me a pairing and an au and i’ll make an aesthetic post + ficlet 

[ellipsisandellipticals]

January 9, 2018

I Am Me Challenge 2018: Day 9

Morning Affirmation/Intention: I am very blessed to have the things I do.

The Challenge! Write a thank you letter to your body.

Evening Affirmation/intentions: It’s ok to not be ok all the time.

Alright this is another tough one because lately I’ve had a more difficult time lately largely in part due to my brain and its weirdness. I don’t like calling it mental illness because that implies there’s some sort of cure available or that it is preventable and honestly not the case oftentimes, but that’s a post for another day.

The entirety is below the cut. TW bc I mention “mental illness”, imply suicide and attempts, talk about death, and also maybe at the end it gets a lil preachy feeling.

I’ve been dealing with more hallucinations than before and they’re mainly auditory but there’s also some visual ones like that one dude following me everywhere just watching. It’s from my paranoia, it seems like it’d be an obvious answer to say I have schizophrenia but that’d be wrong and inaccurate, these are all paranoid based delusions according to the doctors and shit. Anyways. I’m actually thankful for my paranoia existing, I truly know that it’s saved my ass a number of times, like the times in the woods, leaving my abuser and doing it successfully, and protecting me overall from a lot of random shit. It’s made me more cautious and able to prep myself for a number of situations with general ease because of the general sense of anxiety I deal with on the norm from it. lol. CRAZY I KNOW. So, paranoia, hey man thanks.

Thank you eyes because despite being pretty fucking shitty you’re still functioning with the aid of glasses. Nice job on that. I’m glad I can see colors and have decent ability to differentiate between them. Violets and Blues still are a struggle but yo I’ll gladly take it. I mean when we were little we weren’t friends like sitting in front of tube tvs in the dark wasn’t a good choice, but you two are still kickin it. CHAMPS for it.

Thanks legs, you function as well and are my faves also thanks for not being skinny sticks and actually muscular in build. KINDA SWEET.

Thanks @ all my fucking organs, even you shitty asthmatic lungs you guys are still rockin it and keeping me alive ESPECIALLY after I’ve poisoned you a few times and even that time we were dead for like almost a minute. KINDA dope you’re still functioning and doing your thing. THNX.

Basically body, sorry for being super shitty to you, and you know killing you and attempting to kill you, but hey man you still got me here so let’s keep it nice from now on and free from abuse & exploitation of others as well. Promise I’ll stay vegan. 

Meditations

Alright so I hate using the word blessed and blessings and all that stuff because it reminds me of C*tholic school and whatnot and that was not the easiest or the best, I’m grateful for it. I make jokes, but overall makes me uncomfortable. Despite my continued C*tholicism y’know. I also use blessed and all that shit goofing around. Replaced it with lucky and felt better. It dawned on me during this 20 minute session that I actually am lucky to be alive and but more importantly that I’m thankful for it. Normally I get the first half the whole wow lucky to live shit, but not the gratitude that came with it. Felt nice for a change.

Second one was a lot more cathartic than I expected, I cried coming out of this session but felt way calmer than I’ve been able to feel for a while now kinda like how I used to feel back when grandma was around and randomly visiting her - like everything was right in the universe, and that nothing could ever hurt either of us when we sat down and had buttered sobao. I just got that feeling again and cried cause I really miss her. Anyways yeah. It was nice to feel that acceptance of things just being things y’know. I should do more acceptance based meditations I guess and not try to solve things always through it.