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dorkydiaz · 2 years

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there'll be a day when you can say you're okay and mean it [1k | Maddie and Eddie bonding] {ao3} characters: Maddie Buckley, Eddie Diaz, Evan Buckley a/n: literally just 1k of Maddie and Eddie quietly bonding one night when they both end up at Buck's apartment. Okay so this really barely scratches the surface of maddie and eddie's potential, but i started and this is what came out because i caouldn't fully tackle writing something super heavy after last night, but i hope to write more in the future! title from burned out by dodie. nothing is explicitly mentioned but there are allusions to a suicide attempt and panic attacks, like very very vague but take care of yourselves babes <3.

Maddie turns her key in the lock and reminds herself the Buck had said anytime. And she knows he meant it. And she figures it would be empty, he’s on shift, Taylor’s gone.

So when she opens the door with shaky hands to find Eddie looking up from where he sits at the dining table, startled but holding a concern that softens when his eyes land on her, she’s surprised.

She hasn’t really seen him since before. Before the pandemic, before she even knew she was pregnant, before he got shot.

His hair is shorter and sticking up as though he had run his hand through it one too many times. He looks tired and worn in a way he didn’t before. In a way she recognized from the mirror 6 months ago.

He might as well be a shadow of the man she last saw, smiling, beads hanging around his neck, laughing with her brother as the camera flashed and caught their joy.

“I-“ he starts and even his voice is shattered,

“He lets you come here too,” she says a small smile playing on her lips at the thought,

“Yeah,” is all Eddie croaks out his fingers running over his scraped knuckles.

“Eddie,” she starts

“If you ask me if I’m okay I might actually have a conniption,” he says lightly, biting his lip looking at her knowingly,

“Gotcha, I was just going to make myself some tea, do you want a cup?”

“Yes?” He replies

“Buck keeps this blend I really like, it helps calm me down, honestly I don’t know if it is actually the tea or just a placebo but regardless it works,” she rambles as she fills the water boiler and finds two clean mugs in the dishwasher.

Once the tea is made, they sit across from each other in a weird mix of awkward comfortable silence, the sound of mugs hitting the table the only sound filling the air.

“So, do you have this shift off or?” Maddie finally asks,

Eddie shakes his head and clears his throat,

“I uh, actually left. Transferred to working at dispatch as a public liaison,”

Maddie thinks for a moment, a smile cracking across her face “you run the lafd social media? Eddie Diaz is being paid to run a twitter, well then,”

“Yeah, I kinda hate it. But Christopher was worried.”

She tilts her head thoughtfully but doesn’t respond, instead sipping her tea.

And a silence falls over them again.

“Do you wanna maybe?” He points at the couch, “Just cause I’ve been sitting in this chair so long I think my legs are about to go numb.”

She nods and so they gather their mugs and settle on the couch, Maddie tucks her legs under her and Eddie grabs one of the throw pillows to hold onto.

“So… what brought you here tonight?” Maddie asks over her cup,

Eddie pauses for a moment, considering his words, “Therapy was a lot today and Christopher is spending the weekend with Abuela, so the house was too big and too quiet. Cause the last time he wasn’t there I,” his eyes travel to the corner where brick meets concrete and metal and he hugs the pillow closer his fingers running over the mostly healed scabs on his knuckles, “What about you?”

“The house was too big and too quiet,” she echos, “Jee is with the Lees, and everyone is at work,” she smiles, “so much for a Friday night huh?”

Eddie smiles.

And they fall back into comfortable silence, the unspoken understanding between them resting in the air.

“You know, I ran too,” Eddie says thoughtfully, “and Christopher and I, we’re okay. He doesn’t resent me for it.”

And Maddie looks at him, eyebrows knit over watering eyes,

“I just thought you would want to hear that,” he supplies as he takes another sip of his tea,

“Will I ever forgive myself for missing so much?” She asks quietly,

“You’re here now, that’s what matters.”

A small sob cracks out of her.

Buck had told her how Eddie had the habit of just saying things exactly the way they needed to be heard,

“Yeah I am,” she nods, “God I thought I had run myself dry,” she says wiping tears with the back of her hand, “You’re too good at that you know?” “What?” “Reading people, saying what they need to hear,” “I don’t know, I think I am just well versed in Buckley,” he replies,

“Maybe,” she sighs, “You know, one of the first things Buck ever told me about you was just how wonderful of a father you are. And choosing to heal only builds that,” she says,

“I know. I just wish feeling like shit over it all again wasn’t a part of healing,”

“That’s the part they never tell you. And I know it’s cliche, but it does get better,” she smiles,

He nods.

And it’s quiet again.

They don’t talk much after that. Putting on the tv for a little company and eventually each drifting off to the hushed tones of houses being redecorated.

Maddie opens her eyes slowly, the morning light cascading over the apartment, the sound of the sink running, and their mugs gone from the coffee table and the tv silenced. A throw tucked around her lap and a pillow carefully wedged under her head.

Buck turns around as she sits up and yawns, making his way over,

“Good morning,” he says quietly, “you two okay?”

Maddie glances over to Eddie, his face slightly scrunched as he sleeps, “We will be. We bonded,” she replies,

“I always thought you might, given the chance,” he says just as Eddie stirs, “I texted Chimney,” he pats her leg,

“Oh, thank you,” she smiles softly.

“Buck?” Eddie says still half asleep,

“Hi there sleepyhead, coffee is already brewing,” his hand lingers on Eddie’s knee before he gets up, “he does not function well without it,” he continues for Maddie’s benefit and she smiles at him softly.

Yeah, things were okay.

#911 fic #maddie buckley #eddie diaz #aj writes stuff #tusercourty #thatbuddie #userceecee #usersharky #usercombat #useroliii #useryb #tagnic #userweres

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moonstonediaz · 3 years

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angsty buddie my beloved.

it’s been a while since i touched it but here, have a snippet of my chapter fic, at night it gets worse. i’m not linking it since i have no clue when it’ll be updated but it’s on my ao3. i’ll post when i’m actively working on it again

“I’m sorry, but you said you’re in love with me, too! That—that you’d been in love with me this whole time?”

“And I was fine with it!” Buck shouts, wheeling around to face Eddie. “Loving you in the dark, I was fine. I was coping! You almost died in front of me. I swore to myself that if we made it through that, if you simply survived, I would do better by you. I would stop being so selfish and I would stop needing you so much. I would let you go off and be happy with Ana–or whoever–without so much as a whisper of what it did to me to see you with someone else. And as soon as I made that decision…Taylor happened.” Buck groans, pacing with fists at his sides. “I was fine, Eddie! I started to heal the hole in my chest. I made my peace with being hopelessly in love with you knowing you could never love me back.”

“I do, though,” Eddie says, getting angry. “I have been, okay? Yeah, I’ve been working through my shit and it took me a while to–to name these feelings I have, but you needed to know. I’m not going to apologize for that! You deserve to be fucking loved.” Eddie takes a deep, steadying breath. “And I deserve to love you.”

“Yeah, well,” Buck scoffs. “Your timing is impeccable, Eddie.”

“Buck—,” Eddie tries, grunting in frustration.

“I moved on. Okay? I followed my own advice for once. I stopped waiting and I moved on.” Buck sniffles and wipes a hand across his face.

“Do you love her?” Eddie’s voice is thick. He swallows and Buck tracks the movement of his throat. No, is his immediate thought. Of course not, it’s you. It’s you and it’s always been you.

“Yes,” he lies.

Eddie takes a step back as if he’d been slapped. One look at his face and Buck wants to scream. It takes a moment for Eddie to collect himself. They’re both quiet for what feels like hours, the space between them growing colder.

“So,” Eddie finally breaks the silence, his eyes forced to the ceiling to stave off the threatening tears. “So, what? This is...is this it?”

Buck focuses his raw, red eyes on Eddie. Feeling eyes on him, Eddie looks back, tears finally escaping down his cheeks. Buck watches them fall down Eddie’s face feeling a new wave of his own tears coming and a sob building in his chest.

“It shouldn’t be this hard,” Buck chokes out, bringing his hands up to press into his eyes.

“Well,” Eddie clears his throat and wipes his face, but his voice is still thick, “I will make it easy for you then.”

Eddie turns without looking back, leaving Buck broken and alone in his kitchen. Buck waits until he hears the soft click of the door closing before he slumps down, his back against the cabinets. His lip trembles violently. His throat closes and he can’t catch his breath. Eyes welling up, the tears spill over. He wraps his arms around his knees, tucks his face inside the collar of his hoodie, and lets the sobs wrack his body.

#i’m in my angsty feels today so have a snippet of a chapter i’m working on! 😇#911 fox #buddie #buddie fic #mine #saw a post about angsty buddie and i had this in my drafts so i figured why not

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sugarandspace · 3 years

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The Storms That We've Braved

Summary: Buck visits the Diaz household in the middle of a school day and is greeted by a guilty-looking Eddie and a happy Christopher who is watching movies instead of being in school like he should be.

A/N: I love post-tsunami fics and wanted to write something that focuses on how Eddie is doing after it and this happened!

AO3

Buck knocks on Eddie’s door, his other hand holding the takeout coffees. He had been using his day off productively by running some errands and had stopped at their favorite coffee place after, deciding that instead of going home, he could visit Eddie. It’s a school day so Christopher won’t be home, but Buck can see Eddie’s truck on the driveway and knows that his friend is in the house.

It takes a moment before the door opens, and when it does Eddie looks surprised.

“Buck?”

“Hey,” Buck greets and moves past Eddie into the house. “I thought I’d stop by.”

Eddie closes the door and when Buck looks at him again he can see that something is off with Eddie. He looks tired and as Buck studies his best friend’s face closer, he can see that Eddie looks almost… guilty?

Did he interrupt something?

“I can leave,” Buck says slowly. “If this is a bad time.”

“It’s not-” Eddie starts, but he’s interrupted by Christopher appearing from the living room.

“Buck!” Christopher says happily. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”

“Hey Superman,” Buck says and crouches down to greet Christopher with a one-armed hug while he’s trying not to spill the coffees. Eddie sees him struggle and takes the cups from his hand, and Buck is able to hug Christopher properly.

If the hug lasts longer than normal, no one but Buck needs to know that it’s because last night he woke up at 4 am screaming the boy’s name.

It’s been two weeks since the tsunami. The physical scars have healed and Buck’s back at work - albeit in light duty. He doesn’t exactly like it but he’ll endure it if it means that he’ll eventually be back with his team.

It’s the mental scars that are taking a little longer to heal. As if the trauma of being in a natural disaster wasn’t enough, he’d been there with Christopher, and on a day when Eddie had left him alone with the kid for the first time.

Buck lets go then, before the thoughts get a tighter hold on him and he’s unable to do it at all.

“It’s a surprise visit,” he tells Christopher. He knows that the boy should be in school right now but he doesn’t want to ask him why he isn’t, in case it has something to do with the tsunami and he would bring up bad memories when the boy is smiling so widely. “What are you up to?”

“Dad and I are watching movies!” Christopher tells happily. “You should join us!”

Buck looks at Eddie who still looks like he got caught doing something he shouldn’t, but Eddie nods and it’s all Buck needs to be able to answer Christopher.

“I’d love to,” he says. “You can go on and continue watching the movie, I want to talk to your dad first.”

“Okay!” Christopher says and disappears back to the living room, using the wall for balance as he walks.

Buck nods towards the kitchen and they both walk there, and Eddie places the cups on the counter.

“I know he should be in school,” Eddie says immediately, like he thinks Buck needs to know that he knows. He leans his hip against the counter and Buck mirrors his position next to him.

“Why isn’t he?” Buck asks kindly. “Is he sick? Did he have another nightmare?”

Buck knows he’s not the only one who’s been struggling with nightmares. Eddie told him at work that Christopher has been waking up some nights, scared and crying. After a particularly bad one, Eddie had called him at 2 am apologising profusely at waking Buck up, but explained that Christopher was refusing to go back to sleep until he heard that his Buck was okay.

Little did Eddie know that Buck hadn’t been sleeping either.

“He’s fine,” Eddie says. “I think talking to that therapist has helped him. He hasn’t had any nightmares for the past two nights.”

“Then what is it?” Buck asks.

Eddie’s silence is worrying, but Buck doesn’t push him. He seems to be struggling with whatever it is and Buck doesn’t want to make him shut down when he’s about to say something.

“It’s me,” Eddie says quietly. He rubs a hand across his eyes and looks down to their feet, looking almost angry with himself. “I had a nightmare and I couldn’t send him to school so soon after it. We were eating breakfast and I kept thinking about spending the next few hours without him and I didn’t want that. I needed to be able to remind myself that he’s okay.”

Buck is about to say something but Eddie continues speaking. It’s like he’s trying to get it all out as fast as possible before he loses the courage.

“And I know it’s selfish,” he says. “I know his education is important and that he has friends at school he likes to spend time with and that he genuinely enjoys most of his classes. I know all that.”

He looks up at Buck then, like he needs Buck to understand that.

“I know,” Buck says. “You love that kid and you want to do what’s best for him. But it’s okay to do what’s best for you as well. What happened wasn’t easy for you either, and if you want to keep your kid a little closer than normal, no one can blame you. Missing a day of school is okay. I think having a small break and spending time with you might be good for him too.”

Eddie doesn’t say anything and Buck isn’t sure if he believes his words, so he decides to change the topic for now. But only a little.

“Do you want to talk about that nightmare you had?” He asks. He’s half-convinced that Eddie will just brush him off because Eddie doesn’t like to be vulnerable. But he also thinks that Eddie looks like he might want to talk this time, and Buck will do all he can to make it easier for him. “Was it about the tsunami?”

Eddie nods.

“I wasn’t even there,” Eddie says, and he sounds so damn guilty Buck wants to shake him and make him see that he did nothing wrong. “I didn’t see the horrors you two had to see, I didn’t experience even a fraction of the things you two went through. I should be able to be strong for him.”

“Eddie,” Buck sighs. “It’s understandable that what happened shook you as well. You might not have been there when the tsunami hit, but you had to stand at that field hospital and listen to me tell you that I had lost your son and-”

“You didn’t lose him,” Eddie interjects. “It was a natural disaster and it took you two away from each other. None of it was your fault.”

Eddie’s voice is strong and he looks Buck in the eyes as he says it, making sure the words are heard and understood.

“Thank you,” Buck says, because replying with I know still feels a little bit like a lie. It’s something he’s working on, and he appreciates Eddie’s help. He wants to be able to help Eddie too. “But my point still stands. There was a moment when you didn’t know where your son was and what might have happened to him. All you knew was that he’d been in the eye of the biggest natural disaster the state has had in years. I can’t even imagine the fear you felt in that moment.”

Eddie is quiet for a moment before he says, still looking at Buck intently.

“I don't think you need to. I think you know.”

Buck gives him a sad smile in reply.

“What happened was traumatic for you too,” Buck summarises. “It’s okay to be affected by it.”

“When did you get so wise?” Eddie asks, obviously trying to lighten the conversation up. Buck allows it.

“Therapy,” he replies with a smile on his face. “I can recommend a good therapist if you want to.”

To his surprise, Eddie seems to be considering it.

“Maybe,” he says. “But now I have a movie to finish.”

Buck laughs.

“I can leave you to it,” he says, happy to see Eddie smiling again and glad that he was able to make him feel a little better. “I know you want to spend time with Christopher.”

Eddie’s smile falls after those words.

“Stay,” he says. Then after a short pause, “Christopher’s not the only one I want to spend time with after last night.”

Buck looks confused for a moment before he understands. He was in Eddie’s nightmare as well.

“You mean a lot to me,” Eddie says, and Buck tries to ignore the way his heart stops a beat. If only Eddie knew how much he means to Buck. But this is not the time for that conversation, so Buck listens as Eddie keeps talking. “And sometimes I worry. With Christopher it’s easier. I can be there for him when he has a nightmare and if I have a nightmare, I can walk to his room and make my dumb brain believe that he’s okay.”

“I told you that you can call anytime,” Buck reminds him. “I meant if Christopher has a nightmare but I meant if you need it too. Anytime, Eddie. And for any reason.”

“That goes both ways,” Eddie says. “And before you try to say anything, I’ve seen the dark bags under your eyes. I know that you don’t get enough sleep. And I can fathom a guess why that is.”

Buck doesn’t try to argue, knows it would be pointless. He also knows that he loves Eddie more every day.

When Buck’s words fail him, he trusts his actions. He steps closer and pulls Eddie into a tight hug.

“We’ll be okay,” he says and he truly believes his words. “All three of us.”

Eddie holds him back just as tightly, “We have each other.”

Buck’s heart warms at being included, and he holds the hug until he can feel Eddie pulling back.

“I think we have a movie waiting for us,” Eddie says with a warm smile and nods towards the living room. “You take the coffees, I’ll grab a juice for Christopher.”

Buck does as he’s told and they go to the living room where they settle comfortably on the couch, Christopher in the middle.

By the time the credits roll around, all three of them are asleep on the couch, in various states of leaning against each other. It might be a very uncomfortable position, but it’s the best rest Buck has had in two weeks.

#evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie #9-1-1 #911onfox #my writing #in which the author ignores canon details and only uses parts that fit her idea

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outrunningthedark · 3 years

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I wanna join your fight in pointing out how Shannon's behavior will have left deep scars on Christopher but it still hits too close to home. My mother didn't even leave, and she even broke down once trying to apologize to me (tho I still haven't been able to fully forgive her, I just can't trust her, I am not strong enough to bride that gap on my end) so like I can't even imagine what it's like for Christopher but dear God, I wish my father was anything like Eddie because all my father did when he was confronted was confirm that he thought everything he did was right - even though, he has more than once made fun of my self harm scars, and called me crazy, while using a spinning hand gesture by his head(I have mental disorders).

So like, yeah, Eddie has fucking learned and is there for his son, while Shannon just gave up, like Buck's parents did on him. It doesn't matter the reason, it doesn't matter that they were overwhelmed. It doesn't matter that my parents were war refugees, when a child needs their parent, especially when the whole world is built against the child's needs, and they're not there... That's a pain, a scar, that can seldom fully heal

Hello, my dear. 💕 The fact that you felt comfortable sharing your story with me lets me know I'm doing the right thing by exposing my own "horror stories". We need to know we're not alone in our fight for survival. I was raised and am still "cared for" by both of my parents, but neither one was or is anything like Eddie. My mother (as most of you know) was not confident in my ability to be independent when I was growing up, and even now will make comments about me not having the skills to help myself. Unless physical and occupational therapists told her to change her ways, or taught me something themselves (tying shoes was a big one!), she did what she believed was "best for her daughter", and that usually meant retaining control over my every move, because at least she would know I was *protected*. (I genuinely think my sister's death played a part in my mother keeping me sheltered whenever possible. It was her way of KNOWING I was safe - as long as I was always with my mom, or "letting" her make decisions, the world couldn't hurt me.) My father... he's not a bad guy. He gave me slightly more freedom when my mother wasn't around - if she was at work on a Saturday and I wanted to go to a friend's house on a whim he'd let me. And he'd even let me go for "walks" with them alone (ofc by "walks" I mean they'd push my chair down the sidewalk, lol). But, for the most part, he agreed with whatever choices she made because doing otherwise would trigger an outburst from her. I was born in a different decade than Christopher (Gavin), so how my parents handled my CP two/three decades ago is a lot different than how parents of kids with CP today deal with it. Research is more complex, new "treatments" are discovered - you can't cure CP, but the things I went through in my adolescence aren't necessarily a doctor's first choice nowadays. I didn't have sit downs with my mother or father where they explained my disability, where they told me I should never stop trying new things no matter how scary it seemed. They still don't have a grasp on what ableism is, if you want the truth, so I've never heard one of them genuinely apologize for mistreating me due to my limitations (unlike Eddie, who is quick to admit when he fucks up). All this is to say that people who want to play the "Eddie left, too!" card in defense of Shannon fail to understand the importance of him CHOOSING to stay even AFTER his wife decided it was her turn to go. He could have read that note and thought, "I'm still not ready to face Christopher's CP. I gotta get out of here." Instead, he realized his son needed him more than ever and took on three jobs just to pay the bills, and also to make sure Christopher had clothes to wear, food to eat, and a bed to sleep in. Everyone who follows me/reads my posts knows how much the "I actually like Shannon" conversation irks me. Yeah, yeah, it's a tv show, and maybe you don't have a disability so you can't relate to the pain. Or maybe you DO have a disability, but you lucked out and were born to parents who did not look at your condition as a burden. (I've heard that before.) I'm sorry, but when I look at Shannon, I see nothing redeemable in her character. Even before she passed, she told Eddie "I'm still learning how to be someone's mother." She had NO CLUE if she'd ever get her shit together. Let's not twist her words into something else just to make her more likable. She doesn't even NEED to be likable. Mothers leave their children everyday IRL, disabled or not. We don't fuck with them, do we? Why are we "defending" or "stanning" a fictional character who left her child, when really we should be grown enough to say "as sad as this may be, it's good that such a sensitive topic is being addressed"? Y'all will support domestic violence storylines (hello, Maddie stans!), internalized homophobia/homophobic families (Eddie stans hoping for that religious guilt to come through), but the mother abandoning her disabled son is where the problem lies? Hmmm. Alright. I wonder why that might be?

#anonymous #tv: 911 #tv: 9-1-1 #christopher diaz #eddie diaz #anti shannon diaz

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fruitydiaz-archived · 3 years

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with the comfort of a billion stars (and you)

chimney and eddie get high in eddie's backyard and talk about what it means to be a good father

because of @hetheybuck's tags on this post about chimney and eddie being blaze buddies

drug use | sweet conversations | stargazing

1,691 words

AO3 link

Chimney wrapped his arms around himself instinctively as he slipped out into Eddie’s backyard, rubbing his hands rapidly along the tops of his arms as he breathed out, watching his air puff out into the cold like white smoke before quickly dissipating. The bite of the cold air against his skin was a welcome reprieve to the flush brought on by too many bodies in too small of a space.

He thought he was alone for a moment, leveling out his breaths and staring up at the sky, squinting as if he could stare just long enough to actually be able to make out some stars in the black of the LA sky—before he heard another sharp intake of breath from his side. He turned, staring down the line of Eddie’s backyard, surprised to find Eddie there, alone, curled up on a lawn chair, head tipped back as he blew out a soft puff of smoke, a joint dangling from his fingers. Chimney blinked, hesitating just for a second, before he stepped off Eddie’s porch and made his way over to the chairs.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” Chimney called out as he neared him. Eddie’s head tipped back forward, eyes wide, then squinting in the dark as he tried to make out who was approaching him. The corners of his lips curled up into a soft smile.

“Every once in a while. It was a bit much in there,” He explained with a shrug. Chimney smiled back at him before settling down into the chair next to Eddie.

“I hear ya.”

Eddie smiled again, glancing down at the ground and nodding a bit before stretching his arm out towards Chimney. He shuffled the joint between his fingers, holding it out in offering. Chimney considered it and then looked back at Eddie, eyebrows raised.

“You sure?”

“Course, Chim. It’s my house. What kind of host would I be if I didn’t share?”

Chimney nodded appreciatively, taking the joint and holding it up to his mouth, inhaling gently. It’d been a while since the last time he smoked and he struggled to maintain a cough, tipping his head back against the chair like Eddie had and releasing the smoke back into the air.

“God,” He said on the exhale. “It’s been a while.”

Eddie hummed in acknowledgment, taking the joint back from Chimney’s stretched out hand.

They didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes, both of them staring up at the night sky, trading off the joint every once in a while, in comfortable silence.

It was nice, Chimney thought, getting to have this quiet moment with Eddie. They didn’t get to do this often; always racing off to different emergencies or juggling conversations with everyone else on the team. This was nice. He felt loose and relaxed—and maybe that had something to do with the weed—but he was also pretty sure it had something to do with Eddie, and maybe something to do with how dark the sky was, and how instinctively he knew that staring up there were actually billions of stars in the sky, and how actually he wasn’t staring at some flat surface but rather the entire universe that expanded all around them, and how even though he couldn’t see any stars, light from those stars was currently traveling at speeds he’d never ever be able to comprehend, and how some of those stars that he couldn’t see but could see under different circumstances were actually dead, like long dead, and how some stars were dying at right this very second, and how some stars were being born this very second, and how all of that made him feel very small and comforted and insignificant and important all at the same time.

He was a little high.

When Eddie’s hand knocked against his, joint stretched out between his fingers, Chimney laughed a little and waved him off. Eddie smiled, taking one last drag before tapping it out on the ashtray next to him and setting it down.

Another moment of silence stretched between them. Chimney furrowed his eyebrows.

“I’m scared of being a terrible dad,” He said suddenly, no idea where the thought came from. He saw Eddie nod slowly from the corner of his eye, like he was fully expecting Chimney to say that.

“How do you do it?” He asked, turning to face Eddie, who turned back towards him, eyebrows raising. “With Christopher. How do you...how do you...not mess it up?”

Eddie snorted and took a deep breath before answering, the corners of his lips curling softly.

“I mess up all the time, Chim.”

Chimney frowned. That’s not at all what he wanted Eddie to say.

“You’ll mess up,” Eddie continued, turning forward again, his face serious. He looked back up at the sky and sighed, rolling his neck from side to side. Chimney waited for him to say more but he didn’t.

“That doesn’t actually make me feel better, Eddie,” Chimney pointed out. Eddie giggled a little. It made Chimney giggle a little, though he kept trying to force his face back down into a scowl. This was serious. He was serious.

“No, I know,” Eddie straightened up in his chair. “I think...I think the sooner you realize that you will mess up—the less you’ll...mess up.” Chimney blinked and Eddie frowned, face scrunching up like he was trying to work exactly what he was trying to say. “I mean. We’re in charge of this...little life, now, you know? Sometimes I still feel like a kid myself but—I’ve got to be responsible for my actual kid now. And...I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time. My parents weren’t...the best examples. So I’m just...doing my best. That’s all we can do.”

He nodded again, more confidently this time, solid. Eddie turned back to Chimney.

“I think Christopher’s okay, right?”

“Eddie,” Chimney said, voice stern. “Christopher is amazing. And you do this all on your own. I can’t imagine. I’m...so lucky to have Maddie.”

“I don’t really do it alone,” Eddie smiled. “Buck helps a lot. And we have Carla.”

“You're his dad,” Chimney felt the need to remind him. Eddie ducked his head, smiling wider, prouder.

“I am.”

There was a pause. Chimney watched, transfixed as Eddie dug the heel of his shoe into the dirt in front of him, dragging abstract patterns into the ground. It was fascinating.

“I think we’re too hard on ourselves,” Chimney said. Eddie snorted again.

“That’s what Buck says.”

“He would know.”

Another pause.

“I don’t want to be like my dad.”

“You won’t be.”

“Are you sure?”

Eddie sighed, flattening his foot and dragging it through all of the lines he had just made. Chimney was pretty sure he heard his heart break. Over the dirt art.

“Well, you will be, sometimes, in tiny ways. But you’re not him. You’re...parts of him, parts of your mom, and parts of you, you know?”

“I hope I’m mostly parts of my mom.” His voice sounded wistful.

“You’re mostly parts of you.” Eddie didn’t see the way Chimney’s face pinched in disappointment, still staring at the patch of dirt on the ground.

“I’m not sure that’s a good thing.”

“It is,” Eddie’s tone was determined and final—and with that he pulled his legs back up into the chair and leaned back, blinking back up at the stars. He looked strikingly childlike, loose and relaxed.

Chimney sniffed. He felt—he felt warm. It was cold out but he felt this warmth radiating from somewhere in his chest or maybe his stomach—somewhere in his core, he wasn’t really sure—and it spread everywhere throughout his body. He almost felt like it spread even further, encompassing Eddie and his backyard and his house along with everyone inside it and all of LA.

The last few months had been hard. The last couple of years had been hard. Hell—life had been hard. And sometimes it was easy for Chimney to get lost in that; to look at Maddie fighting to pick herself back up, to look at Albert pushing to become a firefighter, to watch the Lees take on his kid brother and watch him go through the same process their dead son had, to watch Eddie and Bobby recover from their shootings, to watch Bobby and Athena mend their relationship, to watch Buck fall apart and stitch himself back together, to watch Hen and Karen grow attached to Nia only to lose her when they had expected it all along and somehow that hurt worse, to pretend through it all that he could shoulder the responsibility of having it all together, to be the friend and partner and father that he knew he needed to be.

It wasn’t about him—but it was. And he felt heavy and tired.

But sitting next to Eddie, a little high, comforted by Eddie’s sincere words—Eddie who would never sugarcoat it, would never lie, who always chose his words with careful intention—he felt lighter. Looking up at the sky, feeling the presence of stars young and old, alive and dead, feeling but not seeing, knowing that just inside were all his friends and family, laughing and reconnecting and healing after months and years of trauma, knowing that all around them billions of lives were being lived. And while bad things happened and people got hurt—good things happened too.

Good things like his baby girl being born. Good things like his baby brother making it out of a terrible car accident.

Good things like survival and healing and happiness and love. Things that persisted.

It was all around him constantly. He didn’t feel it all the time—but he did then.

“Hey, Eddie? I love you.”

Eddie stilled for just a second before his face cracked into a wide grin and his shoulders started to shake as he giggled, again.

“I love you too, man.” Chimney swiveled around in his seat.

“No, seriously, I mean it. Family we chose, right?”

Eddie’s giggles died down and he studied Chimney’s face carefully, smile softening, before nodding.

“Yeah, Chim. Family we chose.”

#my fic #title *sounds* romantic but its not fjjfjd #haven't written in like a month and this is what just...came out #*shrug*#911 fox #i think eddie would be a v comforting presence while high #drugs tw #al talks

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myriadofunchartedworlds · 3 years

Text

I've been rambling so much about the finale today because I have so many thoughts about the growth of the stories of the different characters and/or relationships.

BATHENA 4.13 had them talking about how communication is still an issue for them and with it came the underlying hurt of "Do you not value me enough to include me in your decision making especially when it comes to life-changing choices?". But Athena literally walking through fire for Bobby - and also essentially going against protocol and risking the job she loves - is a loud declaration of how valued Bobby is in her life and how much more important he is.

HEN So Hen's story actually mostly "wraps up" in the previous episode, where we not only see that she has earned the respect of her study group but also her mom. Her struggle to prove herself despite being a "minority" in so many ways is shown here. Hen is a woman who defies odds. She's a well-respected member of the LAFD, despite being a queer woman of color in a boy's club. Now, she's an older medical student who was able to successfully diagnose and seek help for a patient (her mom) better than a real doctor did. She demonstrated an empathy this doctor failed to have and basically assuaged any doubts her mother had of Hen making the right choice by pursuing this career path. She also grew from her struggle of entrusting Nia to someone else, of allowing another person she perceived as failing Nia to love her. While there was closure when they discovered why Nia was separated from her birth mother, this new step of allowing Nia to be a part of their lives again while knowing that it is not in a parental capacity speaks even more of her ability to love deeply. I think with her, it's less growth and more of further proof of Hen's heart and love for people.

MADDIE Her admitting to Sue that something was wrong and then telling Chimney that she needs help is a huge thing. We saw how she was trying to appear fine and put together for him in the previous episode. We also know that she began this show as a "lone wolf" thinking that she couldn't drag others down into her problems with her. (Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Buckley + Doug for being awful examples of "love"). Buck had to convince her to stay and let him be her support system. Chimney had to work to be let in. Maddie is more often seen as the one supporting instead of being supported. So Maddie realizing it's okay to ask for help and also realizing she has people she can count on is the biggest sign of growth from Season 2 Maddie.

CHIMNEY We know Chimney sees Buck as a little brother, especially since he's Maddie's brother; but he also had no say in Buck joining the academy and then the 118. With Albert though, he definitely could have stopped his plans in the tracks especially since it would have felt remarkably similar to Kevin joining the academy and becoming a fellow firefighter. That he supported Albert's firefighting journey (and likely encouraged him every step of the way - we know he and Buck probably did a lot of drills with Albert, with Hen definitely helping with the written parts) feels like a beautiful full-circle journey. Now he gets to do what he loves with a brother again. Also, not to mention how he used to be jealous of Albert but now he lets the boy "follow in his footsteps"? As someone who struggled with constantly comparing herself to her siblings, this is huge. It's damning proof that he no longer sees his brother as the golden child he has to compete with but a person he gets to share the things he is passionate about with.

BUCK + EDDIE (But not in a Buddie way, hear me out. It's worth it). The will is such a game-changer and basically the loudest statement anyone could ever make, both with regards to Buck and Eddie. With Eddie, it is the biggest proof that he has finally found someone he could trust Christopher with (aka his whole world). Eddie's core struggle is similar to Maddie (and most of the 9-1-1 characters), which is being able to let someone else help him as he juggles his different roles. Eddie came into LA feeling like he was drowning, cutting himself of from his former support system because his parents wanted to permanently take Christopher in. That definitely made him more wary of asking for and accepting help. But lawsuit fiasco notwithstanding, there was suddenly a person who provided him with help without removing his autonomy and parental rights. This person introduced him to Carla, got "bring your son to work day" all cleared, built a skateboard for his son, and poured himself out to save Christopher during the tsunami. The will is him acknowledging that after Shannon, after his parents, he can finally relax a bit and not worry about Christopher or even himself. Did you see how unworried Eddie was when he saw Buck the first time he woke up? Did you notice how, after checking that Buck wasn't hurt, he didn't have to even worry about making sure that Buck would take care of Christopher while he was healing up? The guy knew his world was in good hands. Now compare that to the Eddie who was stunned after Bobby let him bring Chris to the station, to the Eddie who hesitated before telling Buck about his son, to the Eddie who debated about letting Shannon back in to Christopher's life again. What growth. With Buck, his central struggle has always been finding people who love him enough to stay. Buck 1.0 was him avoiding commitment because he thinks this is all he can get to temporarily fill the void. Firefighting and the firefam were another set of void-fillers (hence why he fought so hard to come back to the 118). Both the arc with Red and that really damning statement in the crossover (where he actually doubted that Hen would break rules to rescue him for a second) tell us that he's not completely secure about people staying for him. He wasn't enough for his parents, for Abby and Ali, for Maddie (for a while), for his firefam. That's why he thinks he's expendable. Eddie including him in the will takes on a different light when you think about all it's trying to say. It's not even just, "You have people counting on you now." or "You have a Christopher that's going to stay a you stay for him too.". It's also Eddie saying that, "Even if I might leave you physically, I am leaving the last part of me - my life/heart/world - Christopher to you.". Which is a less cheesy, less cringy and much more concrete way of saying "I'm still here in spirit.". Buck finally has two someones who will stay. (And now I think I've just made myself cry).

#J rambles some more #finale thoughts #Bathena #Bobby Nash #Athena Grant #Henrietta Wilson #Howard Han #Maddie Buckley #evan buckley #eddie diaz

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basil-the-scorned · 4 years

Text

It's one of those days so here's a master list of WIPS with random tones and fandoms (which is a lot)

Under the cut because some are depression, have dark tones, ect. So..

(if I can do it on mobile)

He still have moments where he still blame himself, even when multiple people told him it wasnt his fault.

Sometimes he wakes up with heartaches and wounds he thought were healed up 6 years later painfully reopened with a memory to that night, words that were spoken, what ifs playing in his head.

4 years ago, he would drink until the line between living and dying became a blur, to punish himself. That same year he decided drinking was too much.

2 years ago, he kept it hidden from everyone except for himself. He would go out once he reached that number. That ended with people finding out anyway.

---------------------------------------------

Buck doesn't know why his whole family have been around him today.

He doesn't mind the touching or the attention from everyone. It's really nice to be honest.

But lately they've been a little....wolfish.

Like this morning when he was saying good morning to the new recruits and chatting with them. He had an answer to a very interesting question on the tip on his tongue when he felt someone clap on his back.

It was Eddie, but with a very weird look on his face. Not really angry but it wasn't really happy either. "Hey Buck, you're late to working out."

He did forget, so he turned to say goodbye to the people but they were gone.

He thought it was weird but he didn't pay no mind to it and went about to work out.

And then the chief of the 477 came along to visit. He was a new chief just looking to see what kind of place Los Angeles was.

He saw Buck and started chatting with him, admiring how hardworking he was. Which was flattering.

"We could use someone like you on the force upstate son."

Oh. He was just looking for recruits. *Wait, can he do that?*

Before he could ask that, he felt someone wrap a arm around him and drag him into a hug from behind.

"Um...hey, Bobby." Buck said surprised at the Captain being this clingy. "um...this is my captain Bobby Nash."

---------------------------------------------

He splayed out on the ground, arms and legs wide and loose.

"Day off, so I literally got all night with you."

His friend only huffed and went to the other side of him, kicking the ground back and forth.

The wind picked up lightly, slighting going through his jacket and sending shivers down. He honestly didn't know what he was doing right now, or what directionn he should go from here. Was he talking him down, or just being a friend? The lines blur sometimes....

He sighs in thought. This is going nowhere.

Tiredness started creeping in, and he slowly starts regretting coming out here with his friend to talk about feelings.

So...he started talking. To keep himself awake.

"So...you heard any good shows out?" He heard the slur his voice took. "Theres this one show called...Some'm."

He heard a small laugh. "I'm sorry I don't remember the name, it's been awhile. I remember these about some wild story about the small town that has this big old wild mystery and knowing that I remember about it is like this kid has this mask. Which is pretty creepy if you ask me."

"Are you describing doctor who?"

----------------------------------------------

The one thing Buck did not expect to see when he walked into the fire station is his Captain running from another guy full speed.

Hen grabbed him by the arm, shaking her head. "He's fine, but it's a long story..."

................................................................

The pile of paperwork daunted his view.

He knew this was all part of the procedure, and that he should be used to this after 20 plus years but it still sends dread down his back.

It doesn't get any easier writing down different forms: forms of release of transfer, accidents and other things..

After while they all blur and it gets tiring.

--------------------------------------------

They got into an argument earlier that day according to Han, and it got pretty bad. His voice was still sore from the yelling. So he wasn't surprised when they told him (after calming the pilot down) that he was probably hiding and not suddenly kidnapped.

They spent hours the next day across the desert and throughout the city. Luke and Leia both felt his presence but barely. He was close somewhere, but hidden purposely.

Tired, they drugged back to their home, Han seemly miles away from them.

----------------------------------------------------------

"Why are you so passionate about this?"

"Because I saw me in them!"

The room went silent, except for heavy breathing.

"I saw myself in that same exact situation. It's kind of a relief to see that I'm not a freak of nature or that something is wrong with me when I know it's not."

----------------------------------------

And there's like 50+ more of these but I don't know Tumblr's text limit so....

#ramblings #my followers #im so sorry #im suddenly in a writing mood and im seeing all my past WIPS

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sugarandspace · 3 years

Text

Tomorrow Will Be a New Day

Summary: “The guilt that you carry,” Buck says. “It doesn’t help. I speak from experience when I say that it only isolates you. Sometimes it’s difficult to accept that there are things you can’t control. Accidents happen. All you can do is do your best, and when it’s a person you love, you never have to second guess if you did enough. There is no point for what-ifs, because I know that you love your sister and I know that you did all you could.”

Alternative take on 4x01 and 4x02 where Athena helps Sylvia Mays, the agoraphobic woman who struggles to leave her house when she's supposed to evacuate. In this version it’s Buck there with her instead of Athena.

Warnings: depression, mentions of passive death wish, agoraphobia, injuries, off-screen car accident (but the fic has a hopeful ending)

A/N:This fic is for my good friend @spark-draws! Our chaotic watch parties are one of the highlights of my week so I wanted to write you a fic that is inspired by one of the first episodes we watched “together” and the conversation that followed. Happy birthday Spark, I hope you have a day as amazing as you are! 💙

Another important note: We both loved the scene in the show, Athena is wonderful and we wouldn’t have wanted it to go any different in canon. This is simply just an AU I wrote for fun, because Buck giving that motivational speech felt fitting as well and I wanted to explore that! This fic does borrow some lines from the show, but it doesn’t follow the exact dialogue or actions.

AO3

“Okay listen up,” Bobby starts as their truck comes to a stop in one of the neighborhoods in the Hollywood area. “LAPD is understaffed and needs our help evacuating the residents in the area. Knock on the doors and make sure that all residents still in their homes leave immediately. We’ll keep in contact through the radio to keep track of how we’re doing. Remember to be as quick as possible, there is a high risk of a landslide in this area and we have no way to know when it might hit.”

Both Buck and Eddie confirm that they understand the orders and get out of the truck. Hen and Chim took the ambulance and are helping people in the area that was affected by the dam breaking so it’s just the three of them right now.

“I’ll go that way,” Eddie says and points in one direction. Buck nods and looks the other way.

“I’ll go there,” Buck says and then adds. “Be safe. And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Instead of a proper reply, all Buck gets is a laugh as Eddie starts walking away from him. It brings a smile to Buck’s lips as he starts walking towards the first house on his street.

It’s monotonous work. Most of the houses are already empty, no one coming to the door when Buck rings the doorbell. In the rest of the houses people are just about to leave. When Buck reaches the last house on the street and rings the doorbell only to have no one open the door, he assumes the residents have already left. That is until he sees a curtain move in one of the windows as he’s turning away.

Buck turns back to the door then and rings the doorbell again, adding in a shout of “LAFD. You need to evacuate the house immediately!”

The door opens, and the same woman who Buck saw on the window stands before Buck. The door is only open a fraction, preventing Buck from seeing inside.

“Thank you,” the woman says. “I was just about to leave.”

She goes to push the door closed but Buck stops her.

“I don’t see a car in the driveway,” Buck says. “Do you have a way of getting out of here?”

“Oh,” the lady seems surprised but recovers fast. “I’m getting a ride from my neighbor.”

That sets off more alarm bells in Buck’s head.

“Ma’am,” he starts. “All your neighbors have already left.”

The woman in front of him clearly struggles with coming up with a response to that, so Buck speaks again.

“Can I come inside?” He asks, because a million different scenarios are going through his head, one of them being that maybe there’s another person in the house, holding the woman hostage and not letting her leave. “Just while you get your things. We can leave together.”

It’s obvious that the woman doesn’t particularly want to let Buck inside, but she steps aside nevertheless and smiles politely, “Of course.”

Buck goes inside and to his slight surprise, everything looks very normal.

“I’m Evan Buckley,” he says, deciding that it’s probably fair to introduce himself now that he’s invited himself to her home. “But everyone calls me Buck.”

“I’m Sylvia Mays,” the woman replies.

“Do you work from home Sylvia?” Buck asks as he notices a desk in the room. The computer is open and there are some papers on the desk.

“Doesn’t everyone these days?” She asks, going for lighthearted but she still seems nervous. “I’m a consultant in the medical field.”

Buck nods.

“I think it would be best for you to take what you need so we could start going,” Buck says. “We really don’t know how long it’s going to be safe in here.”

“You can go ahead,” she says and smiles politely. “I’m going to leave when I’m ready.”

She seems nervous and hesitant and Buck really doesn’t believe her words, and he says as much.

“I’m sorry,” he starts. “But I really don’t think you will.”

It’s like the woman’s mask cracks as she lets out a long breath and speaks.

“I can’t leave. If I do I have a panic attack and I can go to cardiac arrest,” she speaks in a rush.

“Because of what’s happening outside or have you been feeling like that for a longer time?” Buck asks, trying to understand.

“Seven years,” she says.

“You weren't going to leave,” Buck says, more of a statement than a question.

“You don’t know what it’s like,” she says, and she’s right. Buck doesn’t know what it’s like to stay inside your home for that long, but he does know that sometimes it’s hard to leave the house. How sometimes the outside world can feel like a lot. And he tells her that.

“I was injured a little over a year ago,” he starts. “I didn’t want to leave my apartment. I wanted everyone to leave me alone. And at first they did. I needed physical therapy and it took me about six months to be able to walk without pain or crutches. I didn’t want to leave my apartment because it reminded me of everything I couldn’t do - I didn’t see a point in leaving. But I have a friend who didn’t let me stay like that for too long. I’m really grateful for him and how he pushed me to leave my apartment.”

“I don’t have anyone,” she says with a surety that startles Buck. “And not everything heals in six months.”

“It was difficult,” Buck admits. “The hardest part was to take the first step. I kept telling myself that tomorrow I’ll do it. Tomorrow I’ll ask if one of my friends would like to meet somewhere for coffee. Then the tomorrow would come and I would find a reason not to do it. It got to the point where I knew I was lying to myself, but I still kept counting on that tomorrow to be a better day. I needed a push from a friend to actually take that step.”

“I’m lying too,” she admits. “Shoes, makeup, outfit. It's a game I play with myself. That I go outside but I never do.”

“Maybe today you could,” Buck says kindly. “Take that first step. Don’t think about anything that will follow that. Just come outside with me. The landslide might be here any minute and the area where your house is is very dangerous. ”

“Maybe I should stay,” Sylvia says.

Buck is about to reply, with what he’s not sure, but they are interrupted by Buck’s radio.

“Diaz, Buckley, what’s your status?”

Buck hears Eddie respond, “Checked all the houses. Heading back to the truck right now.”

“Come with me,” Buck says and nods towards the still open front door. “You don’t need to go alone.”

She nods hesitantly and Buck radios to Bobby.

“About to leave the last house. I have a civilian with me who doesn’t have transport so I’m bringing her with me.”

“Copy that,” Bobby replies. “The truck will be ready to leave when you arrive.”

“We better get going,” Buck says and steps outside, expecting Sylvia to follow. She takes a few steps towards the door but stops right in front of it, hesitating.

“Come on,” Buck says kindly and reaches his hand towards her. “You can do it.”

“I don’t think I can,” she says and takes a step backward, getting ready to slam the door to Buck's face but he’s quicker and is able to put his foot into the house, stopping her from closing the door.

Unfortunately, that’s the moment the ground shakes under them and they both fall into the house.

-.-.-

It takes a moment for Buck to get his bearings when he wakes up. The moment he does he starts searching for Sylvia. The house is a mess, the furniture all over the place now that the house has tipped. After a moment of searching he finds Sylvia, and she looks okay.

“Are you alright?” Buck asks to be sure.

“No,” she replies, but there’s humor in her voice and Buck takes that as a sign that she’s not really injured.

“Me neither,” Buck replies honestly. “We need to find our way out of here.”

Immediately he starts looking for possible ways out. He knows that the ground might shift more any minute and that they have no idea how stable the house is.

“This is why I don’t leave the house. Bad things happen,” Sylvia says, and Buck can’t tell if she’s joking or not.

“Pretty sure this happened in the house,” Buck replies and smiles at her, to which he gets a smile in reply. Then he tries to use his radio. “This is Buckley. We were still in the house when the landslide came. We’re okay but finding it difficult to get out of here. The building seems very unstable.”

He waits for a moment but no reply comes through. Buck hopes that it is because the radio isn’t working, not because Bobby and Eddie are unable to answer.

“Okay,” Buck says, trying his best to focus on the problem at hand. The faster they get out of there the faster he’ll find out about the rest of his team. He can hear a helicopter in the distance, probably circling the area to find survivors. “We need to climb to the window to alert the choppers.”

They look at the window on the far wall. The climb there won’t be easy since the house has tipped and there’s a lot of broken furniture on their way, along with pieces of the house’s structure. It looks dangerous and Buck can’t wait to be out of there.

Sylvia nods and they start climbing towards the window.

They make good progress at first. Buck waits for her and helps her at parts that are more challenging, and he’s starting to feel hopeful about getting out of there before it’s completely dark outside. He can tell that the sun will be setting soon and after that the chances that the rescue helicopter will find them get significantly lower.

It’s like the universe caught his moment of optimistic thinking because that’s when the building starts to shake and they both lose their footing.

-.-.-

Buck must have passed out for a moment because he wakes up from the floor. He gets up and looks around in the golden light of the setting sun, but can’t see Sylvia.

“Sylvia!” He yells. “Sylvia, can you hear me?”

He gets no reply but when he looks around more, he spots her further down with her eyes closed. She’s pinned under a large piece of concrete.

“Hold on, I’m coming down there!”

Buck slides down to where she is, and his yelling must have woken her up because she starts opening her eyes.

“Hey,” Buck says as she groans in pain. “Where does it hurt? Can you move?”

“Barely,” she replies. “This thing is crushing me. It’s really heavy. My chest hurts. Do you think something is broken?”

“It’s hard to tell without seeing, but there is a chance you have some broken or at least bruised ribs,” Buck says. He’s no paramedic but it doesn’t take one to figure out that the heavy piece of concrete on top of her might have cracked some ribs. “How’s your breathing?”

“I’m getting oxygen if that’s what you’re asking,” she replies, her voice weak and a little breathless.

“Good,” Buck says. “That’s good. Focus on that. Let’s get this off you.”

Buck grabs the piece of concrete and tries to lift it with all his strength it but it barely moves. Buck sees Sylvia grimace in pain at the smallest shift of the concrete.

“We are going to get you out of here,” Buck tells her. He looks around trying to find anything that could help them. ”I need something to use as leverage.”

“It’s too heavy and you’re wasting your time,” Sylvia argues. “The longer we stay there’s a chance neither of us is getting out of here.”

“I’m not leaving you here,” Buck responds immediately. “We are both getting out of here.”

“I deserve this,” Sylvia says, and she sounds sure of her words. Buck is about to argue but then she continues.

“I deserve it because I never should have survived in the first place. It was a car accident, I was driving. My sister was in the passenger seat. Another car came out of nowhere and I survived and my sister didn’t,” she takes a breath and Buck’s heart breaks a little at hearing all that pain in her voice, pain that has nothing to do with being pinned. “Afterwards everyone said that I should get back out there and move on with my life but without my sister in the world, I wanted to be in it less. Eventually, I just stopped going outside at all.”

“You gave up on yourself,” Buck says, understanding where she’s coming from. “On life.”

“Wouldn’t you?” She asks before she answers her own question. “Of course you wouldn’t. You're not a weak person.”

“I’m not as strong as you think I am,” Buck admits. He can see how lowly she thinks of herself and how she seems to think that Buck has it all together. He’s not comfortable with going into details with this stranger but he’s ready to share something if it means that she’ll see that it’s worth it to fight. He might not know how badly she’s hurting, but he has a sister as well, and he tells her as much.

“I’m sorry that happened to you. I can’t even imagine how you must feel. I have a sister as well, her name is Maddie. She’s my big sister and I wouldn’t be the person I am without her. She practically raised me. She’s always there for me when I need her, even when she doesn't really understand or when I don’t think I’m really deserving of her sympathy. I pushed everyone away when I was injured. They gave me time and while a part of me appreciated being left alone, a part of me wanted to scream at them to see through it. I pushed them away because I wanted to think that I was strong, but in reality, being alone just made me weak.”

“I used to have this really good friend,'' she says. “We used to go for a walk in the park in the neighborhood every Sunday. She was there for me when the accident happened, but as time went on I kept pushing and pushing and eventually she just never came over again. The messages ended. I was so blinded by my guilt that I lost her too.”

“The guilt that you carry,” Buck says. “It doesn’t help. I speak from experience when I say that it only isolates you. Sometimes it’s difficult to accept that there are things you can’t control. Accidents happen. All you can do is do your best, and when it’s a person you love, you never have to second guess if you did enough. There is no point for what-ifs because I know that you love your sister and I know that you did all you could.”

“I couldn’t save her,” she says.

“But you can still save yourself,” Buck says as he spots a metal beam that he’s able to lift and place under the piece of concrete. “There is help out there. People to talk to. People who can help you process through the grief and the guilt, be that person a professional or a friend.”

“It hurts,” she says, and Buck knows she’s not talking about physical pain.

“But you can do it,” he says. Then, before she has time to argue, “When I lift, you push.”

She nods and when they are both ready, Buck starts to count.

“One, two, three... Push!”

It’s hard work and it takes them a moment but eventually, they are able to lift the concrete enough and she’s able to slide from under it.

“Thank you for not leaving me,” she says sincerely as they are both catching their breath.

“Don’t thank me yet,” Buck says with a smile. “We still gotta climb out of here.”

“Well,” Sylvia says, looking up at the window, “We better get moving then.”

-.-.-

The climb down from the window to the ground is thankfully relatively easy. The downside is that it has gotten dark, and as Buck tests his radio, he finds it still quiet. It makes their situation difficult, but it also calms his mind a little, because he knows that the problem is in his radio. He should be able to hear someone on at least one of the channels, even if Bobby and Eddie were unable to reply.

Which they aren't, Buck keeps telling himself.

Buck is wearing his helmet and he switches on the light on the side of it. He knows it will do very little in notifying the helicopter above them of their location, the light of it too weak to be spotted from the darkness. He knows screaming will be useless since the sound of the helicopter will drown it completely.

“Any ideas of how to get their attention?” Buck asks Sylvia, hoping that she has come up with something that he hasn’t.

She looks around and seems to spot something a little away from them. Buck follows her as she stops by a car.

“I have an idea,” she says and bumps the car with her hip. Immediately the alarm in the car starts beeping, the car’s lights flickering brightly.

“How did you know to do that?” Buck asks, impressed but also a little confused.

“The owner of the car lives a few houses away from me,” she explains. “I hear the car alarm near daily. I know how easy it is to trigger.”

They look up at the sky as they hear the chopper turn in their direction. Buck lifts his hand to shield his eyes from the light and he can spot Bobby in it. It makes him breathe a little easier.

“We did it, Sylvia,” he says and smiles at her. “Good work.”

She smiles back at him and they start walking towards where the helicopter landed.

“Eddie?” Buck asks immediately as they climb into the helicopter.

“Is safe,” Bobby replies. “The part of the neighborhood where you were was the only one affected by that landslide. We were able to drive away and start the rescue operation to find you two.”

“Figures,” Buck says and rolls his eyes at his bad luck. Then he explains to Bobby. “My radio is broken, I wasn’t able to contact you.”

Bobby gives him a nod.

He looks to his side where Sylvia is sitting next to him, looking nervous. Buck doesn’t know if it is because of what happened, because it’s her first time in a helicopter, or because it’s the first time in seven years that she’s out of her house. It’s quite possible that it’s a little bit of everything.

“Hey,” Buck says, making sure she’s looking at him when he speaks next. “You’re going to be fine.”

She smiles then, a small one but a smile nevertheless. Buck watches her close her eyes as the wind blows her hair around, and he thinks she’ll be okay. He knows it’s going to be a long road that’s not always going to be easy, but from experience, he can tell that sometimes taking the first step is the hardest part and that even though it takes strength, all that’s left to do after that is to keep going.

“I bet the first time you left the house wasn’t as dramatic,” she says. Buck likes this version of her, can see that she has a good sense of humor. He grins wide when he replies.

“Actually,” he says. “I went to the pier and it got hit by a tsunami.”

Her eyes widen in shock but then she laughs, a bright and loud sound in the helicopter.

“You’re kidding,” she says, shaking her head.

“I’m not,” Buck says between his own laughter.

“Sadly I can confirm that he’s telling the truth,” Bobby says. He’s not laughing but there’s a smile on his face.

The rest of the flight is quiet, but it’s a comfortable silence and Buck doesn’t try to fill it with conversation. It’s been an eventful day and it’s going to take Sylvia a while to process, but Buck hopes that after today all that potential of the hopeful tomorrow will be a little easier for her to reach.

#9-1-1 #911onfox #evan buckley #sylvia mays #911 fic #my writing #she was a wonderful character and i had so much fun writing this!!!

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