#but i have to do stressful things because the ppl i live with are purposefully doing things that trigger the ocd bc they think i'm faking

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

wouw i can draw someone other than the guy

[callmearcturus]

Pregnant Dave? :O

lmao lemme tell you the whole story since i don't think i'm gonna write the actual chapter, there's too many other stories ppl are waiting for updates to. so i'll spell this out.

(lol this wound up being long enough to almost be a chapter so for context: this is a summary that functions as the epilogue to out here the good girls die. that fic is explicit, DaveKat but also very strong nonsexual KarkatRose vibes. content includes a trans man getting pregnant, no in depth discussion of the physical aspects of that but he does so willingly.)

for context: this takes place maybe a year after the end of the fic. by now, Karkat is a councilor for Vineyard because of course he got into local politics. Rose works as his secretary and basically works on her own political agenda from her desk. Rose has ambitions to make Karkat governor someday. Karkat is loudly adverse to this, but Rose is building quite a coalition of her sex workers' union, small business owners, hospitality workers, etc. so, give her five or ten years.

in Vineyard, Karkat and the Twins are a common topic of the proverbial grapevine. a handsome former Ranger who brought twins back from Vegas? my god.

No one quite knows what is going on there. Is Karkat fucking his secretary? or wait is he cheating on his secretary with her brother? or wait is he sleeping with both of them? also sometimes its hard to tell them apart.... they come from back east, are they manipulating Karkat? what the fuck is going on there? this is all encouraged by Rose, who says its a benign way to keep Karkat in the local news and that helps come election time.

dave is mostly relaxing, decompressing from a long life in a high stress job, and hanging out with karkat's dad and learning to cook and tend to crops. he tries out hobbies. it's nice. unlike rose, he doesn't really have an ambitious bone in his body.

ANYWAY: but like. the reality of being sex workers, rose and dave have gotten pregnant before, but by now they know the signs and they probably keep an exact cocktail of medicine to either Plan B themselves or medically abort as needed. like that just.... seems logical for the setting? not a huge deal.

in Vineyard-by-Navarro though, I think it eventually happens to Dave again and Rose is first to notice and is like "mmkay lemme run to the pharmacy" and dave's like "hm." and keeps going "hm" for a while and thinking a lot. like, a lot.

rose gets kind of impatient with him and they have a minor fight in the living room. karkat comes home and is like "do you guys need a mediator or should i just wait outside until you're done" and dave is like "actually. i think we could use a third opinion here." and rose is just like "kldsjalksdjf SHHH"

but dave and karkat talk and are game to give it (baby) a shot. so rose changes on a dime and shifts into a mindset not unlike a bomb defusal expert. she makes plans and shit and sets up for an expansion to be put on the house, all that.

the only thing that adds a wrinkle; dave is pretty okay with the whole "dude having a baby" thing but he doesn't want it to get out around town, he just doesn't want to deal with Other People's opinions on the matter, right? so. obviously. rose and dave need to swap places. that's just logic.

that's how Karkat learns that Rose and Dave purposefully keep their hair approximately the same length, and with a little work, they can mimick each other. when Dave drops his drawl and puts on Rose's posture, Karkat is lowkey freaked out, but Dave always is quick to drop it when no one is around, discard it with the casualness of tossing out a balled up paper.

still, the fact they can fucking just swap gives Karkat a reminder of his first impression of them, that a pair of New Vegas twins were dangerous.

anyway, Dave goes to the office with Karkat and answers to "Rose" and-- okay he's not as good at Rose's actual job but when word gets out that "Rose" is pregnant, everyone goes easier on him anyway, it's fine. and it makes lunch breaks a lot more interesting; dave gets bored, finds a gap in the schedule, and has a locked-door meeting with Karkat. the rumor mill is having a ball with it.

Rose, on the other hand, is SO FUCKING BORED. she's so bored. every night she grills Dave on what he DOES all day. Dave's answer does not impress her. so Rose eventually gets so bored, she goes out as Dave and looks for a job, and settles on an open afternoon position at the Vineyard radio station.

which in turn leads to another hysterical fight that goes a bit like

ROSE: Perhaps I became concerned about my dear brother, sitting around at home with nothing to enrich his life, wilting like a cactus bloom. DAVE: aw no fuck that and fuck you, I entrusted you with my identity and you go and get me EMPLOYED? you got me a JOB? ROSE: You know there are many who would be extremely blessed to have such a service. In fact, you may find that you are already very popular at Radio Wine. DAVE: you are playin with some fire, sis, given who is wearing your stupid fucking heels and sitting at your stupid fucking desk for the next few months. ROSE: That threat is more than a little uncalled for. Did you not notice I went out of my way to select a job I thought you would be amenable to? KARKAT: [silently eats dinner, shaking his head to himself. how the fuck is this his life. how.]

so that's life for a while until Dave is far enough along it's reasonable for him to prep for having a baby. "Dave" conveniently informs her new employer at the radio station that she's gonna be the midwife and needs to be on-call to run home. everything is set.

Karkat is like "Are you two both addicted to, like... complexity? I feel like you made this whole situation much more complicated." Rose is like, "Well, yes. We are still con artists, and one of the techniques for controlling a mark is to make things just complicated enough that they are spending too much time trying to understand the situation." Dave nods. "Yeah, they're too busy keeping the dominoes lined up, so they have less time to catch you." Karkat points out, "Yeah but who are you conning here." And the twins change the subject because they don't want to admit they might've done all this out of habit.

anyway, the twins decide the baby should definitely be named Vantas so if in the future there is legal trouble and the NCR tries to deport them back to Nevada, either of them can claim to be the parent for legal protection. Rose says she'll use her connections to get them each a fake ID to back up the story. Karkat feels a headache coming on.

but baby is born! everyone takes some some time off, and dave and rose swap back. rose also notes aloud that being a family man looks good to karkat's future constituents. karkat tells her no.

the rumor mill spins up again when Karkat and Dave and Rose and new baby Vantas go on an outing to the broadwalk. eventually, Rose will start winding up karkat's mayoral campaign behind his back, and they'll all be happy. 8)

[murlocks]

hello I'm your competitor in the failboy contest and please tell me about Jeremy I want to hear about your cringefail vampire guy if you're okay talking about him

HI okay yes im always okay talking about him i made a propaganda post abt him but i can probably think up more to say i always have more to say about him

first things first: i hate him. (/pos) i want to wrap him in a rug and roll him down a flight of stairs he is an absolute wet paper bag of a man and i am never not thinking about him.

hes an absolute pussy but hes also an adrenaline junkie so he purposefully provokes his murderous cannibalistic vultureguy boyfriend simply for the entertainment. hes gay and god wont let him die so he finds getting an attractive man to try and kill him quite the emotionally fulfilling activity. asher (his boyfriend) is a little bit fucked up (/pos) so he goes along with it but they both know jeremy will be completely fine its stress relief for both of them tbh

second: some backstory. fair warning for like . vampire-typical religious trauma?? i dunno tbh

he was raised in like . a classic religious town and he was very much a juvenile delinquent so ppl around town didnt really like him and it only got worse when he got turned bc of course everyone in that town was raised to think that vampires were horrible abominations that go against god or whatever stupid shit you can think of theyve probably been taught that. so he kinda internalized all that and obviously when he got turned against his will he had a horrible crisis of faith and was questioning what he did to deserve this fate. obviously if vampires are bad and hes a vampire that means hes bad and he did something to deserve getting turned into one. yeah that boys a little fucked up in the head.

he got chased out of town once he was discovered to be a vampire. after he got turned, he went back home and locked himself away for about a week trying to process it and didnt come out bc he felt like shit physically (obviously, he literally just died and got turned into a vampire, i would feel a little ill about it too) but eventually his like . one singular friend he had in town came to check on him because hed been missing for a while and he told them everything because he thought he could trust them, he told them "there was this guy who attacked me a couple nights ago and i passed out and i woke up in the middle of the street the next morning and the sun hurt and ive been so hungry ever since but none of the food ive eaten has helped and i dont know whats going on. everything hurts and i feel so sick i dont know whats wrong" and his friend is like. Oh. Oh Fuck . and they run off under the guise of finding him medicine/food/whatever but of course instead of doing what they said they would they go straight to one of the towns religious leaders and they gather up a bunch of people to either kill him or chase him out of town.

he escapes, narrowly, but now hes got nowhere to go. hes never left his little town, he has no family or friends to go to, hes basically screwed. he finds himself wandering for days on end just kinda contemplating his life (and beating himself up for getting turned in the first place, because OBVIOUSLY its gotta be his fault somehow. he mustve done something wrong for his friend to be so eager and ready to turn on him its gotta be his fault) and eventually he stumbles upon this little desert town in the middle of nowhere. theres a big old abandoned mansion on a cliff overlooking the town, and, of course, jeremy, the overdramatic (like, theater kid levels of dramatic) idiot that he is, goes, "oh! thats perfect! ill live there!"

and he lives there pretty much undisturbed for approximately 20 years. he has absolutely zero human contact because hes scared of hurting people and he subsists off animal blood from the meager livestock the townspeople own. hes not doing too hot mentally of course, hes a trainwreck with literally nothing to do but sit alone in his house and listen to his own thoughts, but he survives, at least.

until, one day, asher, (my boyfriends oc), one very curious citizen of the nearby town, accepts a dare to go explore the abandoned mansion at the top of the cliff. theres rumors spreading that its haunted, and surely he would earn some respect from his peers if he could survive a night there, right? he can prove theres nothing too dangerous there at all.

until he opens the door. and awakens a very disgruntled vampire from his midday nap.

and the rest is history.

part three: boyfriend endeavors. serious warning for violence and vampire-typical "cannibalism" and less vampire-typical Actual Fucking Cannibalism. also fair warning jeremy and ashers relationship dynamic is more than a little fucked up but theyre both aware of it and its all fully consensual because they are both more than a little fucked up

for a while, they both believe the other is a Completely Normal Guy (albeit, asher is a seemingly Normal Guy with massive fuck-off bird wings and jeremy is. well hes jeremy, but still) until one night jeremy is out and about trying to find some source of food in the town, climbing across rooftops and shit and all of a sudden he stumbles upon asher, elbows deep in a human corpse and absolutely covered in blood. he has the end of a bone sticking out of his mouth. this is completely normal Asher Behavior but jeremy is not aware of that. he loses his footing on the roof he is standing on and goes tumbling down into the street.

asher turns around to look at him and hes got this crazed look on his face and jeremy is just staring at him trying to figure out what the fuck hes supposed to say in this situation because he just fucking walked in on his one and only friend literally Eating A Person but he has no room to judge and asher looks more attractive covered in blood than he has any right to be and jeremy does not have time to unpack all that.

so, after a solid minute of staring at each other, jeremy goes "so. uh. you gonna finish that?" and asher bursts out laughing.

he explains his whole vampire situation and asher explains that he does not have any such situation hes just a bit fucked up and he enjoys eating bones. you know what, fuck it, hes a vulture guy, it makes sense. kinda. whatever. jeremy cant judge.

at this point in time, jeremy is still very much ashamed of who and what he is. he is more than aware that the animal blood he is surviving off of is not very nutritious whatsoever and if he wants any type of proper quality of life hes gonna have to feed off of an actual human person someday. hes not looking forward to it. but asher is just?? fucking sitting there?? eating literal human bones just because he feels like it????? and jeremy doesnt know how to process that. hes morally opposed to it but instinctually he knows thats what he should be doing. and from there on out asher actively endeavors to get jeremy to be less catholic guilt-y about the whole thing. he genuinely doesnt give a fuck and it gives him a headache to see jeremy being all stressed about it so he makes it his life mission to absolutely destroy that boys morals. and it works. it fucking works.

asher is such a horrible influence and he has made jeremy so much worse from an outsider standpoint but jeremys mental health is so much better with ashers involvement in his life and theyre so horrible for each other but theyre also a perfect match. they drive me insane.

ive probably missed a lot in this post and i have so much more i could say about him and asher but thats whats on my brain right now. theyre both so fucked up i hate them (/pos)

[crepuscollo]

the post before this (or the one before the before this) rlly made me think about who i am able to take my mask off with and who i cant.

i obviously thoughtlessly drifted to how it would be like to take off my mask with ash. thats when i realised he may be one of the only people if not literally the only person ive ever been fully comfortable with.

sure there’s the whole smart ass know it all thing he has going and his whole i like feeling rich thing and the twisted perspectives on some things. but away from that ive never been more myself than i was with him. ive never shared so much of myself either. i shared everything. all the dark sex fantasies, my big childhood secret, i never opened up ab my mum but thats bec of other things. i just felt like i could talk to him ab anth and say anth and it would be okay. im not saying other ppl necessarily judge me or i dont trust them or anything i just didnt feel okay telling them.

so yeah. it was really hard to get rejected (or atlst thats how i would put it) by the one person uve ever FULLY let ur guard down for. the one person who you told ur deepest darkest secret. the one person u were the most yourself with, couldnt even fucking be with you. didnt like you enough. im not even saying i liked him that much because i didnt. it was a lot more about me than him. ig its the way he makes me feel. so its him as well. but im talking about the rejection, here. it was hard to take not because i couldnt live without him, but because im really desperate for him to like me. i still am. i think about it a lot. idk why i can be myself around him and not other people. but it rlly fucking hurts that he rejected me. and not just that but after it all i could feel was him drifting and separating from me snd purposefully putting distance between us which ofc only made me think that he never rlly liked me and he finds me annoying and a pain in the ass. so thats even worse.

when i was crying and all that i wont say my feelings for him weren’t strong but they weren’t that strong. i was dealing with a lot; belal and my sister, post-hurghada stress, maya vs my sis, socially drained, physically drained, not well rested, still having to see family and friends so no break, my period lol, im on accutane. the list goes on for the amount of shit that was happening and duding hurghada the only thing i could think ab was getting back and telling him all about it and our late night calls. but no. he wasnt there. he said hed be there and he wasnt. and he doesnt try to be. and he doesnt care that he isnt. he just isnt. he just isnt here anymore. he suddenly decided that he isnt hete anymore. these arent trust issues babe, i got abandonment issues.

ch4, black, ash, sp1.

sp2 was complicated. blue was me letting my demons out on him bec i couldnt handle it.

anyway, its kind of bugging me that he thinks i was so swooned by him bec im so sure it fed his ego which is natural i guess but its not honest. i didnt really truly figure out how i felt till now. i miss him. his friendship. our calls. talking to him. about everything. i miss him a lot and ill never not miss him and i don’t necessarily like him romantically- a lot of it if not most of it is platonic- but he just doesnt enjoy my company, i guess. and thats the thing that hurts to make peace with. its almost impossible. bec i feel very strongly about him.

oh and my attachment to him was very emotional which is another reason why the parting was so intense for me. he opened more doors to me than anyone ever has. he is so special. but he made me really insecure. i feel unlovable and hopeless. like im just a talking stage, never more than that. even if they loved me or really strongly liked me- its never enough for more than just that. thats why i cant do this anymore. talk to guys and open up and this shit and then get hurt and abandoned again… i just cant do it.

ash told me please dont let me be a bad example of a guy or someone who hurt u and this whole thing … i told him yeah. sure. i let him have it. but theres no way he could have done what he did without hurting me (nvm he could be my friend lol but let me continue either way) bec nthn will change the fact eno i opened up to him and he left me still. he told me at one point en hes doing this too late but atlst he is doing it still. yeah. he got one thing right. it was most definitely too late.

its really crazy to me that the whole parting thing happened july 31 and august 1 but im coming to terms with how i felt and why i felt it and my emotions and feelings are only making sense on this not-so-random tuesday: november 1. (its technically monday, october 31st, but its almost 5am on tuesdsy soo). exactly 2 months. ha. ridiculous. i wish i could tell him tho. i wish i could tell him that i wasnt so sad bec i wanted him so badly and loved him snd wanted a rsp. he was just a good friend for me, and thats what broke my heart. and thats why hes a bad person, he did abandon me. he abandoned our friendship. thats all i wanted: a friend. he can say were “friends” and hes here or wtv but thats not the way it feels. it doesnt feel like hes here. it doesnt feel like he cares. this is why i cant forgive him. i shouldnt have to. he made promises that a frjend makes; before and after the parting; and he didnt live up to any of it. i guess a promise doesnt mean anything. trust doesnt mean anything. and affection and soft spots and caring fade away in one night and all our golden conversations and incredible talks and memories fade away as easily as a melting snowflake. nothing matters. not to him anyway. not me to him.

there are a few thoughts that got lost in there that i probably didnt chase fast enough to get them down but thats enough for now. i cant process any more unfinished business tonight. its 4:49am and im dreading studying math tomorrow, as always.

fuck. every time i think of majors and uni i think of ash. every good song or every song that manifests a colour reminds me of him. hes all i can think about. he is forever. and he doesnt deserve that. he lives in my mind, undeserving, invasive, unwanted, unrelenting, yet comfortable and gnawing away at my sanity.

i hate him

i hate him so so much

god,

i hate him.

i cant say it enough

i cant fucking say it enough because i cant lose hope in the fact that if i say it enough, itll come true.

why cant he be easy to hate? like black.

fuck.

FUCK.

he doesnt deserve my feelings and emotions. why did he have to open that door?

it was so hard to shut. and i never wanted to shut it in the first place. he shouldve handled it with more delicacy. more care. but no, lol, abandoned. again. i could make a poem of all the “agains”.

i need to sleep

i need my mind to rest

omg onw more rhing the best door he opened is my ability to write again like when i reread the jo ss a few weeks ago it made me realize how i was bstter at communicating advice snd comfort and those sorts of things and connectingwith things and he helped me see that i aint what i used to be snd i dont have as many feelings or thoights or deepnesd or intensity as i used to be because i pushed it all away, deep down. but its back, as u can see. i cant stop writing. i cant stop feeling. i cant stop thinking about him.

i cant stop looking for his face in crowds.

god i wish i could … idk… do i regret him? he made me feel intense and good emotions and everyth and helped me reslize a lot of things and i cant deny en he was a beyond good part of my summer but now when i look back at hurghada im like did these pics and vids drive him away and all i canthink is oh yeah she had no idea whatll happen in teo days and yeah it went from 0 to 100 so quick so idk if i regret it or not idk if it was worth it

also horny is easy to feel bec it feels good yet intense snd secretive its not like happiness but its still a good feeling which is odd excitement is supposed to be good bit its stressfull as well and it gnaws at u. horny is good and essy snd quick and even if u get it wrong so what nthn is affected. it cant go badly (even excitement can be stress) so yeah. horny is essy snd not complicated and thats why i like feeling a lot of it it doesnt let me feel empty and it elevates my mood at the same time.

[crimeronan]

that last reblog has me musing on healthy friendships between adults and minors. i’ve seen a lot of good posts about how to spot predatory behavior, but i haven’t seen many about what healthy behavior looks like. & i know i have some younger people following me for various fandoms, so

signs of a healthy friendship w/ an adult:

they don’t do the obvious predatory things; they don’t send you sexual content or ask you sexual questions, they don’t tell you that you don’t “seem” like a minor, they don’t start inappropriate conversations

they don’t do the less obvious predatory things; they don’t ask you to keep secrets or try to isolate you from others or ask inappropriate favors or use you as a key source of emotional support*

you’d be comfortable with your parents seeing your conversations (or, if you can’t trust your parents, you’d be comfortable with a trusted adult seeing your conversations)

they’d be comfortable with your interactions being shown to people; they don’t ask you to ‘hide’ anything

they set clear boundaries; they tell you when they’re not comfortable offering guidance, when they’re uncomfortable with a conversation in general, etc.

they respect YOUR boundaries; they drop or redirect conversations when asked, they don’t ask for invasive details about trauma or your living situation, etc

you aren’t nervous about telling them when you’re uncomfortable - or at least, you aren’t more nervous than you are with anyone else. some ppl have anxiety disorders or struggle to articulate discomfort, i get it

on that note, you shouldn’t feel more anxious or nervous around them than you do around other trusted adults.  

you don’t need to have a Reason for the nervousness - sometimes a person’s intensity or conversational style is just stressful.  the same might happen w/ peers your age.  a beneficial friendship shouldn’t make you feel consistently tense/on edge, even if the other party hasn’t done anything “wrong”

(people don’t need to Commit A Transgression for you to want to stop interacting with them.  if they’re not making your life better, you don’t need to keep them in your life.)

your friendship is based around mutual interests - fandoms you enjoy, creative work you’re doing, hobbies you share, etc.  you both have an equal interest in the things you talk about, & your conversations focus on common ground between you

you’d be comfortable with them interacting with others in your life - peers your age and trusted adults.

they are respectful of you as a person; they act with appropriate awareness of your age, but they don’t condescend to you or tell you they wish you were older or treat you like an infant they’re in charge of babysitting. basically, they aren’t an asshole.

if they are comfortable being asked for emotional support or guidance (not all adults are!), they offer advice and support from the perspective of a mentor, rather than the type of support you’d expect from a peer your age.  they’ll also tell you when they don’t feel like they can give helpful advice (see: boundaries)

there are other healthy signs; these are just some basics

please note that it is possible for friendships to have some of these elements while still being unhealthy.  this is not a checklist for a Guarantee Of Healthy Dynamics And Stability.  it is, however, a good place to start if you’re not sure what an okay friendship with an adult looks like.

*the emotional support thing is complex: there’s nothing wrong with comforting an older friend who’s sad or grieving or having mental health struggles.  but you Shouldn’t be a person they’re Relying Upon for support - they shouldn’t be leaning on you for constant help managing their feelings/struggles.

this is bc adults and adolescents tend to be in very different places where emotional processing is concerned.  an adult will find more helpful emotional support from other adults, similar to how you might find more relatable emotional support from your peers than from adults. it’s bc of where different people are developmentally

(also, like, an 18 year old and a 17 year old are very similar developmentally.  a 30 year old and a 17 year old are not.  how much older they are makes a difference.)

an adult who depends heavily on you for support isn’t Necessarily doing so with predatory intent.  but they Are making the choice to ask an adolescent to be partially responsible for their emotional wellbeing.

you’ll see a lot of people talk abt the trauma of being the emotional support system for their parent(s) growing up (and might have experienced it yourself); similar dynamics are at play here.

there are also codependent relationship dynamics that are unhealthy Even When both involved parties are adults.  some adults may purposefully look for codependent support from minors because they’re aware you haven’t had as much life experience with setting boundaries, saying no, & recognizing unhealthy demands.  which is predatory; not all predatory behavior is sexual.

[fmdjoosungarchive]

plot train 4 event choo choo. this is partially for me to have an idea of what my kids are doing, but if any of these activities/prompts speak to you, feel free to give this post a like or message me directly! (& ofc if not, it’s all good)

sung

in general!

he’s doing alright atm, so this is a nice little vacation thing for him, esp since he’s in the middle of promotions

99% sure he’ll b rooming w daisuke

he’ll probably most frequent the library, game room, pool, and spa

color cards!

26th: red (work) sung loves christmas and is a lil bit sad he wasn’t able to spend the day with his family, so your muse and him can bring around some christmas cheer! alternatively, we can hallmark movie it and your muse can be the ceo who spent their whole life working and didn’t have time for children, so sung has to be the one to show them the joys of christmas and love

28th: yellow (mission) i fully expect sung to fail this mission. he can b smart but he’d probably get stressed with the challenge and would rather spend his time looking at the animals for a long time. maybe someone who also fails is looking for transport and they put their heads tgt to find something? or earlier on, your competitive muse helps sung get some of the animals up until he gets distracted

30th: blue (relaxation) free! mani! pedi! sung takes good enough care of his skin but he wants to be Pretty and get Painted (and proceed to try not to b insecure as hell abt it) maybe your muse encourages him into getting painted, or offers ideas on what to paint, or has general chitchat with him during the session, or meal afterwards

event prompts!

if duri suji yuanjun or minhee want birthday presents from sung, Leggo. otherwise, sung could give out christmas gifts/late gifts to just about anyone! he loves giving gifts, whether he’s getting one back or not

trying something new could be a new food, a book that sung wants to show your muse (book exchange?), a gift exchange with new items, some clothing items found while out n about

sung likes talking about the future so he could have a solid chat about going into 2021 right before new years

and he could def get lost. he’s too used to having his members and/or manager w him

andy

in general!

andy is still trying to be a functioning human being by Talking with Others so there are more opportunities for this grump in yalls muses lives

however he’s rooming with hwan which means he’ll be Unavailable a lot of the time

when he isn’t, he’ll most likely be at the bar, gym, or game room. he’d also like to catch a show at the theatre! and he’ll be going out in taipei, feel free to use him as your taiwan tour guide

color cards!

26th: blue (relaxation) i gave this one to him because i think it’s hilarious. andy can’t swim lol he’s not Afraid of water but he’s not gonna be partaking in underwater type pool games, and otherwise would be sitting on the edge of the pool. someone Pls expose him for not being able to swim

28th: red (work) andy is a good cook so he could be helpful for any muses who aren’t so skilled. or maybe theres some ‘friendly’ competition btwn andy and your muse for whose dish a crew member/production staff would like best

30th: yellow (mission) i’m not being all that nice to him so i’m gonna force him into blue group. sounds nice but he hates being touched and i’m entirely sure he’ll be found out because he’s sat there trying to relax enough for a facial and keeps freaking. again, pls expose his ass

event prompts!

i think the words prompt could work well maybe with andy (spinning a lie) talking to someone about fishing trips he and his family took. maybe while they’re docked so it can be more Smooth

charm member helping andy fix his microphone that keeps falling? maybe as a full thread, smth abt how it’s weird andy’s more chipper than usual

presents would be interesting. same as sung, i’ll offer andy giving a present, but just to yuanjun or minhee. otherwise, andy would be very shocked to receive a present from anyone else. gifts aren’t much of his Thing and i do love flipping the script w andy

jeonghwa

in general!

off of promotions and into a semi-vacation? she’s living. her usual self wanting to try everything and anything, get into trouble, have a blast. she’s a troublemaker and a lil whore so have at it, she’s down for anything. her job is complete if the camerappl have run away from what she’s doing at least three times

she’d most frequently be found at the pool, theatre, or every single one of the restaurants. yes she insists upon trying them all

color cards!

26th: yellow (mission) flash mobs are out of date, she says. this is the most fun mission ever, she says. your muse and her trying to figure out some dance moves to present to the group? your muse totally not into it and jeonghwa hyping them up?

28th: yellow (mission) like sung, she’ll be going to the zoo, but she’s determined to finish this. help her along? share what you’ve each gotten so far and part ways? maybe mislead her accidentally or purposefully?

30th: red (work)

the most boring of them Seemingly, but jeonghwa always tries to make everything fun. impromptu decipher’s dream girl rehearsal with mops? maybe shes getting tired and has convinced your muse to ‘help’ her? maybe while cleaning they find someone’s diamond ring and have to go on a hunt to find out who it is (except they end up just giving it to the staff’s lost and found)

event prompts!

new year’s kiss? i don’t think she’s had one before, so someone could fill up the 2020-2021 slot or the trying something new!

trying something new could be literally anything, though, jeonghwa’s never been on a cruise, big bucket list item checked off There, and she’s down for anything. even making gingerbread houses at the ball is something she hasn’t done before

lucid member or someone watching from the sidelines, maybe jeonghwa ~didnt sleep well~ some night and was doing dance moves facing the wrong way, and they help remind her

could also get lost, present giving open to all birthday ppl again, as well as christmas gifts!

[couch-house]

Wow people like that anon are why we need to be more educated about manipulation via self-destruction. We all need to understand and know that if we constantly, repeatedly "make" someone feel bad enough to consider harmful actions just through TINY contradictions it might just not be us and we don't have to put up with all the stress, discomfort, depression, etc. that comes from it. And sometimes it's really obvious when it's manipulation, it's not NEVER an option.

exactly bro. i’m gonna do something real fun and talk about my abuser, who did this for years! under the cut

so im just gonna come right out and say it so i dont gotta give him an epithet every time, but his name was dibby/dib. he goes by a different name now i think but from what ive heard it seems like ppl r familiar with him by that name as well. w/e for his privacy i guess ill just leave his current name out of it. anyway i knew and was friends with/dated dib for about 7 years before we cut each other out.

ANYWAY dib had/has legitimate mental health problems, yes, but he also chose to use those problems as excuses for his manipulative and abusive behavior. dib had bipolar and would experience dramatic mood swings. unfortunate but normal and okay! if you experience mood swings and suddenly feel overwhelmed by sadness or anger, you probably know that, if you recognize this as a disorder, you should let the people around you know, tell them how you’re feeling, and do what you can to manage the situation.  dib would instead say “oh no i feel a mood swing coming. :( quick, distract me!” which, again is a clumsy but fair way to handle that, EXCEPT when it inevitably failed to cheer him up, he would blame us for failing, call us bad friends, insist we didn’t care about him, and isolate to only talking with his favorite person (for a while that was me). 

when dib got upset he would blow up, block me for days or weeks, and then later when he calmed down and felt lonely he’d add me back with some half-apology and assume everything was fine again. here’s a list i kept of things that upset him and had this result! it was called “things not to do”

tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

fail to tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

ask dib if it’s okay to do things

talk to him when he’s feeling antisocial

offer critique when it isn’t asked for

ask dib not to do something

talk to him in the tags (when not friends)

spam things he doesn’t like/isn’t involved in ((the relevant examples are bug blogs, bunnies, and the pbs kids show arthur. not because they trigger him, just because he doesn’t like them))

talk about/mention people that are my friends that he doesn’t like

offer solutions when he just needs confirmation

make it about you

yeah. keep in mind every one of those bullet points corresponds to at least one time he either faked his own death or blew up and blocked me for a week.

the bigger problem though was his suicide ideation. dib had a pretty shit life and pretty shit mental health and unfortunately was legitimately depressed and suicidal. he needed help but, living in america, really couldnt afford it most of the time. this is okay. if you or someone you know is unable to get medical health for depression or suicide ideation you know how hard it is to live with. sometimes there’s not a lot you can do and that person will Just Be Depressed an just Want To Die and theres not a lot you can do to help, even if you try your best. that of course, is not the problem with dib. 

the problem was repeatedly, starting i think when i criticized him for pushing everyone away by insisting no one cares about him and not putting any effort towards others, would make some vague allusion to feeling suicidal and abruptly log off and stop answering messages. this can be an okay way to deal with yourself if you’re upset BUT. THE NEXT DAY, after i frantically thought he was going to Attempt and repeatedly messaged him to try to deter him, check on him, ask if he was okay (he really just went to sleep, which again is fine), he decided to PRETEND TO BE DEAD.  he told his gf and maybe one other person he was alive but threatened them to stay quiet and pretend he was dead or he WOULD commit. so his gf at the time had to play along and all of us then-kids were freaking out that our friend had died, only for him to decide later that he’d had his fun and he could now announce “no i just logged off for a little bit :)”

he did this. many times. make some allusion to wanting to attempt then abruptly stop answering messages, knowing what people would assume. (this was one of the pieces of testimony i did not include verbatim in that rk post: i was told rk would do very similar things; part of why i thought the post was necessary. ive lived through the other side of that and i dont want ANYONE else to). i think two separate times that he did this, i was sent home from school early because i was crying so hard (my best friend let me think i was responsible for his death. he did this on purpose. he did this repeatedly. thats fucked up)

one time he posted a supposedly queued suicide note post! and all my friends were terrified he’d died! so i remember someone anonymously messaged kylee henke asking for advice, and i (who at the time he was mad at and had already blocked) got fed up with it (again because he’d done this so many times and i knew by now that there was no point in getting upset, he was just doing it for sympathy or attention or w/e) and messaged his mom on facebook asking her to check on him. he was fine, just like. crying in his room. also sidenote he got BIG MAD that someone told his mom and was posting when he was found out liek WHO TOLD >:( n i was like :)). bc bro if ur really abt to attempt i have an Obligation to get someone irl to check on you and protect you. but obviously you werent since this was like the 20th fucking time youve done this 🙃

he was a huge pizza shit for other reasons too but the main relevant one was that he would use his mental illness as an excuse for his deplorable behavior and blame others for things literally no one can reasonably do anythign about and then constantly and i DO MEAN CONSTANTLY use his own life and suicide ideation as a trump card.

anyway if you know someone who repeatedly threatens suicide or pretends to commit suicide by purposefully alluding to it before ghosting you, or posting a suicide note meant to blame others, you need to get out of there right now. that is not okay and you should not be dealing with that. ive taken years to get used to the idea that if i criticize my friends, they won’t kill themselves

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[yuudefensesquad]

me ranting about yuu once again

no one is saying yuu isn’t allowed to feel happy. (as yuudefensesquad all i want is for him to be happy aight) we are saying we wish yuu was allowed to be upset, hurt, and angry. things that he purposefully avoids feeling.

like really? he’s just chill w ferid hanging around after going on a mind blanking sword slashing spree with him after their first reunion? this dude flaunting around akane’s head and nearly turning into a full demon after experiencing that?

he’s all happy to be talking to guren even though their previous encounter had guren betraying yuu and his squad and stabbing him? did he just get hit on the fucking head and forgot about that? and then being all sympathetic and being like “wow i bet you were really hurting guren im sorry ):” yet guren never asks if he is okay and understands his situation? yuu just had to figure it all out for himself? (i love guren but DUDE...)

plus with guren putting the guren squad’s lives on yuu’s shoulders after saying they’ll disappear if he doesn’t find a solution really makes me feel bad bc. THIS ALL. IS JUST ONE BIG CLUSTER FUCK OF STRESS AND RESPONSIBILITIES HE ALREADY FEELS LIKE HE HAS TO REVIVE THE ENTIRE WORLD AND NOW PEOPLE HE KNOWS AND IN SUCH A SHORT TIME SPAN

also he’s all smiling and eager to help after seeing human experimentation that his father / mentor figure was acting upon? you know, something that destroyed his family?

he’s under all this stress, having guren in one ear and mika in the other, telling him two different things and the realization that’s he has been in a cruel, supernatural practice since the day he was born isn’t making him freak the fuck out like any 16/17 yo would?

how he feels being a seraph? the second trumpet? having it? are the transformations painful because he surely screamed for the first two times. like do the wings leave marks? do they burn or itch? also with guren knowing all along and never speaking up about it, being smug at the battlefield when yuu forcefully turned, how does he feel abt guren saving him just to be a bioweapon? what are his thoughts more than just ‘im able to protect my family with this thing!’ BC GOD DAMMIT YUU YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN A SHIELD PLEASE STOP

his feelings aren’t being explored. yeah, he’s smiling. yeah, he’s happy to have mika like y’all keep saying. but mika coming back to him doesn’t solve all of his shit. mika isn’t his cure or salvation or fixes all of his issues like ive seen people assume he does. we aren’t getting deep in there. yuu’s earliest trauma was briefly explored and then forgotten about and replaced with another seraph transformation

“but we had like 3147891274 chapters of him being emo” yes and it was all forgotten immediately once mika came back into his life. we got no development on yuu’s feelings about it. just immediately he started seeking the cure for vampirism and asking for his family to save mika with him, not him thinking about how the species he wanted to mass murder for killing his family is actually a part of his surviving family and suddenly he views them like fellow human beings, especially FERID F UC KING B ATH ORY WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK KAGAM

and about ferid i know things are kinda tight in between scenes w the story right now and i just want yuu to be like “hey once this is all over i’m fucking murdering ferid” and mika being like “lets kill him together” THAT WOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME !!!

and people say “i hate it when ppl say yuu coming back into mikas life solved all of mikas problems” bc surely enough it seems to be the complete other way around to how people interpret this and it sucks because yuu is so much more than just ‘a sad boy who is happy now bc his bff came back’ that’s not how it works. neither of them can fix all of the other’s issues. that includes BOTH. SIDES.

the most relevant thing to yuu’s survivor’s guilt (which should be optimized more in my opinion) was yuu immediately apologizing to mika for running away as their first meeting since sanguinem and his severe abandonment issues, and taking on all the blame

AND YUU CRYING WHEN SEEING THE HYAKUYA KIDS??? CAN I GET MORE OF THAT PLEASE??? THAT WAS SOME GOOD FUCKING FOOD AND I AM STARVING IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I’VE ATE SOME YUU SADNESS

demons use their host’s weakest points to take advantage of them. yuu’s weakest points was being told by his family that he abandoned them, that it’s his fault, that he should’ve done something, asking why he got to meet friends and replace them when he left them all behind in the first place AND OUCH CAN MIKA LIKE SIT DOWN WITH HIM AND CAN THEY COMMUNICATE ABOUT WHAT FUCKIN HAPPENED FOR REAL!!! LIKE A HEART TO HEART!!! BECAUSE CLEARLY THERE’S SOME UNSPOKEN SHIT IF MIKA IS STILL BLAMING HIMSELF AND YUU IS STILL UNABLE TO VOCALIZE HIS FEELINGS ABOUT THINGS im so u p s et

god dammit i want someone to come up to yuu and be like “hey buddy... you know it’s okay to not be okay right... i know things are tough right now and i have no fucking idea how you’re all smiley and giggly right now and i’m wondering if you’re just smiling not only for us but to trick yourself into believing that everything’s fine and dandy...”

YES yuu has his happy moments YES yuu can feel happy

BUT FEELINGS. AREN’T. STATIC. THEY CHANGE.

it makes NO SENSE for yuu’s emotion to only be the ^_^ face

like yuu is literally in a tug of war right now between guren and mika and his squad isn’t helping by just existing in the bg panels and going along with guren’s plan without any complaints

like don’t yell at just yuu for not abiding by mika’s words because the shinoa squad + narumi aren’t clean either AND IT’S NOT A MATTER OF FAULT OR BLAME because not every character is black or white.

i’m so sorry for rambling but just. give me my boy. i love him for his smile but i also love him for his development and entire character. not just his expression and his relationships with people. i love him for yuuichirou hyakuya, you know, the kid who escaped sanguinem screaming and crying, who had night terrors, who blamed himself for years, who wanted to die, who has ptsd, who has trust issues, who has abandonment issues, who is possibly a codependent

like. he hasn’t accomplished his goal for eternal happiness yet. you have to go through so much to achieve that and he hasn’t. i don’t know if kagami is leading up for a severe breakdown or something but... sheesh

and all people ever do is reduce yuu to the “dumbass” character and he’s so much more than that. he’s following his heart and trying his best and it’s not going to make everyone happy. he’s going to make someone upset either way

i know the story is currently plot-heavy and not character heavy but i’m so... KAGAMI. PLEASE. if yall got input LMK i need to know what people think about this and if im the only one or not

[superleeleehipster]

Why do I ship Caryl?

So this wasn’t something I was planning to write, but after seeing this question come up time and time again, I finally decided to entertain it and meditate over it. Because honestly, this question is more relevant now more than ever:

Why do I ship Caryl?

This person’s comment that I saw on another post asked what I think is a genuine question nowadays, and that is “why does Caryl need to be in love? Everyone knows they have a special bond and they would kill for each other. Why does it need to be romantic?” They weren’t hateful, or spiteful, or saying that this other ship makes more sense. They were just curious. 

It’s an even more relevant question now because of Melissa’s recent interview and what she said about Carzekiel and Caryl. She basically stated that Caryl is more important than romance, and they are arguably the person they’re closest with, but it is what it is. And she went on to point out that it’s been proven that she and Ezekiel are happy, and Daryl is happy for her. 

Side note: I’m not bothered by what she said about the two b/c I can understand her point of view. She’s tired of being asked the same damn Caryl question over and over again, it’s been going on since season 2 and only vamped up at the start of season 5. She knows about the shipping wars, she knows fans can get riled up over her’s and Norman’s responses over this question, and she’s tired of answering it b/c there’s nothing left to answer (and I’m sure she’s tired of the hate that happens within the fandom, as well as what’s directed at her and norman). Plus, as an actor, I’m sure it bothers her that some people are disregarding/diminishing the Carzekiel bond b/c she’s put her heart into that role. She can’t control the writing, and her job is to follow the script and play her part, which she has, and I’m sure she is proud of what she’s done this filming season. So I’m sure it hurts her to know that ppl are writing off Carzekiel as more of a one sided relationship b/c that’s her hard work. She wants ppl to support her work, no matter how shitty it is, and I get that. 

So the question remains, why do I ship Caryl?

I decided to really think on this question and give it a meaningful answer instead of what I usually talk about. So pushing aside all the superficial reasons or reasons that are just on the surface, why do I want them to be together? For one thing, it’s only natural for us humans to categorize things into groups. We do it all the time, even if we’re not thinking about it. Like for me, I put all the shirts and pants and sports bras I use for working out in one drawer, while I’ll put my pajama pants and shirts in a separate drawer. Then I’ll put my underwear, normal bras, and socks in another, etc. We also categorize people, so clicks for example, or how I work in this department while these people work in this department. It’s just human nature to categorize things. Personally, I think that is also the driving reason as to why people start to ship characters on shows, or at the very least debate if “these two will get together” because we like to put things into groups. Now I do understand that there are people who don’t ship at all, and that’s fine. In fact, that commenter was probably one of those people who didn’t understand shipping, and that’s okay. They’re just there for the story and entertainment. 

But aside from the natural urge to think “will they/won’t they”, for me I officially began my shipping in season 3 after Carol flirted with Daryl on the bus, though I know many folks began during season 2, and rightfully so. To me, I think part of it was the natural chemistry between Daryl and Carol. It was one of those magical moments you only see once in a blue moon, when not even the writers expected it, but it came to light because of two great actors who caught each other’s wavelength immediately. That kind of chemistry you couldn’t help but want romance to happen because you know it would be explosive, a rarity when it comes to shows nowadays because things have become so predictable. And most actors/tv couples don’t have the amount of chemistry that Melissa and Norman do. The only other characters I can think of who have that chemistry is Jaime and Claire from Outlander, and Mulder and Scully from The X Files... so there's really not that many couples with that kind of electricity between them on tv.

I also wanted Caryl to happen because, to me, it’s the ultimate romantic trope. You have two people who had been abused and beaten for most of their lives, only to find someone who genuinely understands that because it happened to them too. They leaned on each other, whether purposefully or not, and were able to positively influence one another to become better, more confident people. And it was amazing, especially looking at Daryl’s evolution, to see these two people open up and allow themselves to receive comfort, understanding, and love from someone else. Daryl did not like being touched, it was obvious in season 2 when he flinched away from Carol. Now, he on the regular puts an arm around her, and is more than happy to receive her hugs as well as reciprocate them. To me, that’s incredibly beautiful to see two people with similar backgrounds come together like that. And I think it would be the ultimate ‘fuck you’ to everyone who had hurt them to have them fall in love and be happy with each other. 

Why is it not enough for them to have a special bond? Because being in love is the closest you can be to someone. It’s something that I think they both deserve to have, and I think it would be extremely powerful if it were Carol and Daryl because they already have such an amazing bond to begin with. Having them become romantic would almost feel like a completion of their bond. It would be like Vegeta and Goku fusing together to become Vegeto, like the ultimate power (geek moment, sorry). Daryl has likely never been “in love” with someone before given his background, so it would be especially beautiful to see it happen for him, and to me, the only person I think he’d trust enough to open himself up for is Carol.

Having said all that, obviously that’s not where the writing is going in the show, which is very disappointing. I have no issues with Zeke, or Khary for that matter. It’s just disappointing that they had Carol get together with someone she hardly knew when she’s known Daryl since the beginning of the Turn. It’s true that there’s a possibility that Caryl is endgame, and it wouldn’t happen till the very end of the series. And maybe they’re those types of couples who really didn’t know they wanted to be together until it just clicks one day (I know two friends like that, where everyone thought they would be together eventually because they were such good friends. But it wasn’t until it just randomly clicked for them one day that they decided to give it a chance. She described it as them hanging out at her house and a lightbulb kind of went off and she just said ‘huh, I really like this guy’, and he wound up having the same thoughts... they’re still together :D). 

But for the people who are genuinely curious as to why we ship it and why we’re so disappointed... more than anything, it’s because of a few factors: 

1) Our passion for our ship has only grown b/c of the hatred we’ve gotten, and how often we’ve had to defend it. The more often we’ve defended it, the more emotional we become for our ship because we want to protect it. Those emotions we feel any time we have been attacked, or anytime we were disappointed sticks with you, and creates more and more stress for your fandom.

2) We have been trolled hard up until this filming season, and it feels like a slap in the face. Season 5 was amazing for Caryl the most part, but there were problems with the writing for Carol especially after that, and we didn’t have much Caryl screen time since. But the times we did, they were amazing scenes, and they were also the scenes that AMC would give sneak peaks with b/c they know they bring in viewers. That whole situation with Daryl finding Carol in the house was completely useless to the storyline, yet they put the money and the effort to create it. Carol even said that “she couldn’t lose him”, and Daryl made that selfless decision to not tell her about Glenn and Abraham. Then there was last year where amc’s first promotion photo was Caryl, and they published multiple pics of them two after. They had that photoshoot of the longest running cast members and it felt like a freaking prom shoot, with all of them posing together, one of which had the “couples” together. They even published a valentine’s day card with Daryl and Carol on it with a caption that says “true love”. Lennie James had even said that he didn’t think Morgan would have any relationship with Carol, not if Daryl had anything to say about it. Other shows have referenced Caryl before...

Long story short, we did not imagine this. We didn’t see something that wasn’t there. Even now, with AMC using Mcreedus to promote the new season, it just comes to show that they know Caryl brings in viewers. So to have Carzekiel happen is truly painful because they have dangled a piece of meat in front of us for years, only to give it to another ship. And maybe we have it wrong when it comes to Angela Kang. Maybe she didn’t write this and is actually doing us a favor by leaving no room to imagine that anything is going on with Caryl right now b/c she knows that we’ve been trolled a lot. Maybe she’s actually stopping the whole teasing thing, and if that’s the case then I do respect that. I’m not saying that is what’s going on but that’s always a possibility. But it’s really painful for us because we were teased, and we’re still ‘being used’ to this day for promotional reasons yet they’re doing the exact opposite. 

It’s like when you’ve fallen in love with someone but they wound up saying they don’t feel the same, but at the end they go “but don’t worry, we can still be friends”... BITCH WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE FRIENDS WHEN I OBVIOUSLY WANTED SOMETHING MORE WITH YOU??!!

... I promise I’m calm.

I actually have a friend who’s a Bethyl shipper, and obviously we don’t see eye to eye with some things but we never talk about it with each other (it’s like politics and family). So when I found out about Carzekiel, I confided in her about it and she related with me. She said they teased Bethyl a bit in season 4, and they technically did. With the hand holding, Daryl carrying Beth around the house they stayed in, and even saying that he’s hopeful now because of her. As a caryl shipper, of course I would’ve argued that was more of a father/daughter bond, but now I can see it from her perspective, and how she felt when Beth died. I might not agree with her ship at all, but she understands what it is like to be trolled by amc only to have her heart ripped out, and she was a nice enough friend to not call me out and actually sympathized with me. And I’m grateful for that because she’s helped me more than she knows to cope with this mess.

Anyways, to put a huge explanation into a small summary: I began shipping Caryl (and I still do) because to me they are an amazing duo with intense chemistry, and they seem to be in perfect sync with each other. Soulmates is the perfect adjective to use to describe them because they just get each other, and they’re so close, it’s amazing to watch it on screen. They’re two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly with each other. Having them become romantic would just be an amazing experience to watch, to see two abused people come together like that and discover what it’s like to be deeply in love with someone. Maybe I have romanticized it when I shouldn’t have, but to have two people so close like that, it’s only natural for me to want them to be together romantically because I know they’d be very happy together. 

Am I wrong to be so human?

Anyways, I’d like to hear from other caryl shippers as well. What made you decide to start shipping them. No debates, no hatred for other ships, just a gentle discussion of why we chose this fandom, and how much we loved (and still do) our ship.

[ayyponine]

anyway my dad has now also read the big pdf on abuse i sent him and i feel so valid??

im finally hearing both my parents say it’s outrageous my sister’s abuse went that far for so long without them seeing it and stepping in. i sort of started crying halfway through the conversation and said i still feel an enormous amount of guilt fr not being stronger in the past or the present (eg earlier this year, when ellen wanted to stay here over the summer –> my mom says she can’t stay at our house though for my sake and should see if she can stay at our dad’s or a friend’s place –> sister stays in mexico and is PISSED at mom fr choosing my side instead of hers –> refuses to speak to my mom for MONTHS meaning my mom cant talk to or even see her one grandchild on skype for months. all because i can’t get over the way she treated us and feel unable to let her back into the same house again). he said i really shouldnt, that he, my mom and especially my sister are to blame. fr yall dutch speaking ppl my mom said before that my sister altijd al heel egoïstisch geweest is, my dad today said shes meedoogenloos en rancuneus :)))) while ive been feeling weak and ashamed and guilty and disappointed w myself for years?? ive never felt this valid in my fucking life

did i mention hes going to mexico in october and he’s planning to give her a stern talking to :))) idk what to think abt it tho im like one half extremely anxious whatever he says will only make her angrier and feel more entitled to take it all out on me (i mean, the example above clearly shows that she thinks even now i am STILL a villain and everyone who’s even a bit considerate twrds me and what’s best fr my wellbeing deserves punishment). but im also one half 👀☕💁️👏👏 and finally feeling like

i mean i mentioned the thing abt her cutting contact w mom bc of choosing my side, plus i mentioned it’s hard fr me to be faced with her “happy new life w a guy and a kid in mexico live laugh love natural organic sunshine no stress xoxo :)” knowing it all started with mom and i being afraid to have her in the house (mom always getting just a bit anxious coming home frm work bc any day felt like it couldve been a day i unknowingly crossed a line to provoke another violent, possibly lethal outburst frm my sister) and agreeing to send her on a permaculture course across the atlantic to keep her happy and far away frm us, that she forced my mom to pay fr spontaneous spiritual trips she didnt have the dough for and my dad got angryyyy bc he didnt even know abt that shit :)) so it kinda feels like not only that ^ meme but also

just sort of spilling tea and sitting back as the shit she’s purposefully manipulatively done to me to wear me down finally boomerangs back to take its fucking toll on her. knowing she had it fucking coming while im finally starting to believe she has no business blaming me for her habitually shitty behaviour, that she needs to step the fuck up and take some of the fucking blame shes been deflecting because the shit SHES caused, her own words and actions, are bouncing back to bite her in the fucking ass.

one regret i do have is not adding photo proof of her being a dick even at a ridiculously young age bc at one point my dad was like “this has been going on for years, frm you were ten, eleven years old” so i wish i had preemptively added that shit as a title page image or smth. sort of like ���hey anyway, check out this picture frm when she was seven and hating on her five yr old sister fr having a picture taken while it was HER first communion so i wasnt allowed to have anything :) remember we had to take it twice because she didnt want me to have anything so she stuck her hand out to ruin the shot :)) anyway”

another regret is not having found an even crazier picture. because i know theres a photo of me as a newborn being held by one of my family members while my sister just looks at me with an expression of clear and complete disgust. much like the pictures above we’ve always kind of laughed it off like “haha she really didn’t like her younger sibling taking the spotlight huh” and like it probably is just a kid being weird, we can’t say if even then, frm the start, she had decided just to fukn loathe me and it probably is just a weird and random but forgivable kid thing but damn if it isn’t poignant re: the slow build of dislike and bullying to me crashing bc of her complete hatred and long term abuse huh.

[brianna-lei]

Butterfly Soup Asks #16

This time including the squad as DnD characters, Liz facts, Noelle getting her yaoi education, and more

I’ve only played Dungeons & Dragons once (1) in my life so I’m no expert! I’d consider my thoughts suggestions (like with my takes on the charaters’ MBTI types, which I’m not an expert of either): 

Noelle as a Wizard sounds right, since she definitely can’t do anything reliant on physical strength. She would be an asshole and attempt things like building a Clone Army

AKARSHA THE BARD. Rogue sounds too cool for her

Diya: I actually want to say she’s a Ranger because the Wiki on 5th edition says “The Beast Master archetype forges a connection between civilization and beasts, allowing the character to interact with animals in certain ways including gaining an animal companion to control.“ Fighter and Knight also sound plausible though! 

Min: Barbarian with high Strength and no Intelligence and Wisdom

I don’t want to say too much because I want to save things for the sequel, but here’s some stuff:

She actually played against Diya in youth leagues before she transitioned. That’s why she recognizes Diya+specifically approached her to sign the baseball club form while Diya doesn’t recognize her. At the first club meeting Liz tells her “I was at one of your games when you were little” -- This is purposefully ambiguous/misleading (sounds like Liz was just watching) because she passes and doesn’t want to out herself to a bunch of club members she doesn’t know well

After transitioning she quit baseball and switched to softball. It was weird being the one trans girl on a team of cis dudes, and additionally when she was younger she sort of felt like she had to prove she was a girl; she naturally has feminine taste, but she’d overperform it by 25%. It wasn’t until she got close to Chryssa and found out she also liked baseball that she reclaimed her interest in it

She has a nice resting face so strangers tend to ask her for directions 

Sunburns easily

Yesss check the FAQ guys! Fangames are fine as long as you explicitly say it’s a fangame!! 

I’m almost mad I didn’t think of this myself. I’m one of those people who overuses “spoopy” 

All art in the game (including the title screen) can be downloaded here!

NO!!! 

Noelle. The day the others find out will be the End of her

Akarsha was reading some yaoi so it came up in conversation, and since Noelle had never heard of it Akarsha gleefully educated her (to Noelle’s horror). Noelle was extremely scandalized that Akarsha kept sending her inappropriate images, and Akarsha was like “i’m doing this out of the kindness of my heart! it’s for ur education!! me: Master Teacher. call me sensei”  

Following this Akarsha changed her chat name to YAOI SEME as seen at the beginning of the game 

Diya and Noelle: Never tried it

Min: Has tried it 

Akarsha: She constantly makes weed jokes but actually only does it rarely 

Yes, I’m planning on exploring this more in the sequel! 

Diya; Dee-ya. Rhymes with “See ya”

Min-seo: Korean way, but most characters like Diya pronounce it like Min-so, with the “Min” rhyming with “win” (not like “mean”). The “so” is one syllable (not like “see oh”)  

Akarsha: uh-KAR-sha

Noelle: No L 

I was planning on making the sprites blink! I’m still a bit sad I didn’t end up doing it

It’s supposed to be fall 2008 when they’re in high school, but I took a LOT of artistic liberties when it came to the references. For example, Akarsha makes a Durarara reference even though the anime didn’t come out until 2010, and there’s a lot of modern memes that ended up in there too...I couldn’t hold back...

The IGF trailer video is especially modern-day meme-wise -- since it broke the 4th wall, it was like, all bets are off. Don’t think too hard about it!

I wanted to put a lot of 90s and early 00s hits in the game for the nostalgia factor, like Complicated, Rock Your Body, Dilemma, etc. I think it would’ve made the experience even more surreal for players who are around my age!

I don’t own the rights to all the music so I can’t distribute it around for people to download! Here’s where you can find everything:

Thought Projection by Ketsa

Holding Your Breath by Ketsa

Thoughts of You by Ketsa

2011-13 by Ketsa

Miyauchi Yuri/110515 (miltata remix) by Miltata

Night Tourist by Miltata

Sound413_Images(short) by Miltata

Sound429_Floating Cloud (draft) by Miltata

Side by Side by Miltata

Blooming by Miltata

Romaras by Miltata

Little Circle by Miltata

Daydream by Miltata

Calling Project 2 by .que

Flame of Love by YOSHI

Valar Morghulis by Bloodgod

Overflowing by Tatsuya Kato

My Heart Will Go On - Recorder By Candlelight by Matt Mulholland

At one point Diya finds out what it means on her own. After she finds out, she uses it for the actual meaning :) (added this to the FAQ now) 

I can totally relate to all of them, but I’d say Diya! (added this to the FAQ now) 

that sounds a bit alarming

(I added this to the FAQ page now, thanks for reminding me)  I’m fine with people shipping whatever!! The only thing I can think of that’d make me uncomfortable is incest and shipping Diya and Min with male characters – other than that, go nuts

Oh noo im sorry, that must’ve been stressful! For those who don’t know, I chatted about my game for a few minutes last week with MEGA (a USC club I used to be in!). I’ve adapted them here with what I assume what the questions were: 

1. Is that your cat on your Skype icon? 

yeah it is!! it's burrito 

(people think it’s a cute name) 

LOL glad you guys approve

2. Was the game made in Renpy? What do you think of Renpy vs. Twine? 

yep! it's made in renpy! I actually started out in twine -- twine is impossible if your game is like longer than an hour and is image heavy. the engine started lagging so bad it would take 30 secs to do anything

2. Would you eat a tiny 2 inch man for $100 million?

LOL it's hard..it's a lot of money. I don't think I would

(but you could use that money to save many more lives! utilitarianism) 

it's a real dude tho! i'd feel awful for him haha it's hard when you have to physically do it LOL

3. How long did it take for you to make Butterfly Soup? 

FOREVER. I thought of it in my junior year over winter break

4. Was it for school (like an assignment)? 

nah! just on my own

(people saying that’s impressive) 

yeah!! self motivation

5. What’s your favorite part of the game? 

hmmmmM I like the "date" with min in the dream. it's so fun, with the dog park

6. Which character do you relate to the most? 

diya!! social anxiety queen, so relatable

(people comment on how she runs around when anxious) 

i really did that before my sat once, ran 2 miles at the school's track

7. Are you from the San Francisco Bay Area

yeah i'm from the bay! east bay

8. Which year did you first come up with Butterfly Soup? 

winter 2014 i think

(people trying to calculate which year was my junior year) 

i graduated a year early so junior year was also senior year

9. Are you making a sequel? 

yes!! once ihave more time. i have a lot of ideas for stuff that goes after

10. Was this a prequel to Pom Gets Wi-Fi? Or maybe spiritual successor?

this is a prequel. i dunno about spiritual successor tho, they're a bit differnt

11. Any tips on how to balance schoolwork and working on personal projects? 

hmm...i honestly sucked at this and could only work on it on breaks lol...if you can try to work it into your school projects, like some bit of it...

other than that i cant think of anything LOL it's hard

12. How did you organize yourself making such a long game? Any tips? 

it was SUPER hard to organize, i was really lost until i split it into 4 sections with each character. so if you're planning on making a game this big definitely think about forcing yourself into sections like that

the art was the most confusing to do bc of how many assets there were. i was going to say "have consistent naming conventions" but that's literally impossible LOL it'll always become inconsistent no matter how hard u try

13. What part of the game took the longest (writing? art?) 

writing, actually, despite how much i complain about art assets. it's really hard making sure the structure and themes come across correctly. like pacing is so hard. art is like #2 biggest time sink

14. How early in did you write the Akarsha/Min skateboard scene?

that came pretty late haha i put it in at last second

15. Are the characters based on real people? 

they're all inspired by combinations of ppl i know! i wouldn't say based on them, tho. for example min is like a combination of 3 friends i have, strategically arranged to play her part in the story

character design is design so u still gotta be deliberate about it

16. Who’s the other cat on the computer? (they’re referring to the cat on my desktop wallpaper) 

that one's maru! he's a famous japaense cat. he's super photogenic

(people speculating that he’s the “tube one”) 

the tube one? probably. he's famous for going into stuff

17. What was your favorite aspect of working on the game? 

definitely getting to put specific Asian-American experiences into it

i was like HAHOH i can do this and no one can stop me! it was really fun getting to do this without any creative direction from like, a studio or anything. so i could just go bonkers. i hate pitching stuff so

18. Any writing advice? 

definitely have other people beta your writing as soon as possible! they always catch stuff you missed. also this is like a cheat, make your characters really extreme. like find one aspect of yourself, and turn it up to 11 and make it into a character. that way they'll be relatable and memorable at the same time. i think most people don't make their characters extreme enough so they're all kinda samey

19. (I can’t remember what they asked me here, sorry! They were asking if a specific meme was in the game)

LMAO nah it's not. i did briefly think about it though, i will admit

20. Would you eat a Gusher the size of your hand? 

that would be pretty cool. i don't think i could eat it all at once tho...i would try to save it. like half

You’re welcome, I’m really happy to hear it helped the game feel relatable!!  

Thank you! I hope you have a good day too!!

haha I feel like my game is almost propaganda bc so many people wish they had girlfriends after playing it! the agenda...Thank you for waiting for the sequel, it makes me super happy to hear people are looking forward to it! 

You’re welcome!! I’ll do my best!!! 

You’re welcome!!!! :>

You’re welcome!!! 

same I’m really happy so many people find them relatable! you’re welcome!! 

You’re welcome!! my kids can never get enough love im very happy 

I’m glad you liked it! Thanks for the support! TT_TT