#but ill be honest. im tired. ive been feeling shitty about myself lately and a lot of it has been social media influenced | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chinxino5-blog · 6 years

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tw i guess: mental illness

my sisters 21st is on saturday and i dont knwo what to fucking get her, my friends is on thursday and i still have no clue what to fucking get her; i accepted a gift from a friend i probably shouldnt have because it was too much and im sick of having fucking major mood drops

im complaining so much on here about how shit i feel and ive got some pathetic fuckin mood disorder which probs isnt even a thing. ive been feeling good for the whole month and woopdefuckingdoo i have school in eight days, im exhausted, im behind on all my fics and requests, i am so fucking tired and i feel like shit. it comes out of nowhere and it doesnt stay away for long. its going to fucking ruin me this year because it takes away my motivation to do literally everything so i wont be able to fucking study - i tell myself all this shit and fuck myself because if i didnt think about it so much it probably wouldnt even be a fucking thing. this is all just my shitty childish imagination and i use it as an excuse over and over again for everything, im so fucking sick of it but what the fuck do i even do?

and i say all this shit and my friends send me messages wanting to talk about things and its real sweet n shit but i just feel like ive been throwing a fucking pity party for the past two years its honestly pathetic. but if its not real why does it always reappear once a month, twice a month, for three fucking weeks, and just vanish again like everythings fine and i’ve never been better. i feel like i have cramps. i feel like i cant breathe. my backs sore, my heads sore, everything feels painful whether its in my head or not and i just dont know what to fucking do with myself anymore

im so scared of this year. im so fucking scared. because im gonna be crying most nights and i wont get my shit done, im probs gonna end up not fucking writing because “schools a priority, get your atar” and fuck man i dont want to stop writing its the only thing that really gets me excited anymore

i dont know how to find balance with anything.

mum wasted a gym membership on me because i havent gone all month. im not gonna end up going this year because im stressed. i went running twice and cant get myself fucking up to do it again even though i promised myself i would. i said id do an hour a day of writing and i do fucking nothing. i promised requests and where the fuck are they, dont ask me. i get shitty, and jealous of other creators, and aggressive towards my friends when they make the slightest mistakes. my humour is cruel and contradictory to what i stand for and im the biggest fucking sore loser. im not a fun person and i just want to ignore all the people i know because its a waste of fucking time and i should be writing or exercising or fucking studying because that shits not important im so tired

im fucking sorry. i dont like talking to people. i hate messaging people myself but i love to talk to the people who message me. im bad at showing appreciation. i never tell anyone im feeling like shit but i always tell them to tell me when they do. and if people message me about this lets be honest im just gonna tell them im fine because i am. im wealthy. im safe. im educated. im not in danger. im not unhealthy. im just fucking crying all the fucking time and i dont want to talk about anything yet i can spill it all on tumblr when i have followers who probs dont want to hear my fucking. pity party.

to my followers: im sorry to disappoint. i dont have an upload schedule, its always late. i promise to do things and they take weeks until they’re done. i take months between finish requests and go on and on about fics that i wont be able to touch for months and by then who fucking knows i might not even be writing at all. im a really shitty person behind this blog and im so sorry you have to put up with me in order to get the fics i promised. im sorry you have to read this bullshit because i dont have anything else to fucking post. im sorry i never talk on the discord because my humour probably makes people uncomfortable and i dont feel important at all, even when the love i receive is priceless and treasure and i take it all for fucking granted. im really fucking sorry.

i want to try be better this year but im always telling myself its not gonna happen. new years resolutions fuckin arent even hard i dont give myself big goals and i cant even achieve the smallest ones. the only one i am probs gonna achieve is be more of a “bitch” and pull people up on the offensive shit they say but everytime i pull my friends up when they say “autistic” or “f/ggot” or “retard” as insults they roll their eyes and i can just see that they’re sick of me being a party pooper and they’re sick of having to fucking add me to the invite because ive been a part of the group for years and had i not been best friends with hannah they’d probs just “forget to put me in” because fuck it man i only ruin the fucking mood

jc. im trying to be stronger for certain people who are struggling but idk man i cant even be strong for myself what am i gonna do when im overdramatic and crying and cant actually help them out when they’re calling. ive become a sort of reliable person to help when people have a tough time or are struggling and thats just fucking gone now because what the fuck dude i cant even listent o my own advice why should other people.

no one has to actually listen to this, or message me, or do anything about anything. im fuckin crying and somethings in my eye and it fucking hurts god damn it, i cant get it out and wow what a pathetic fucking metaphor.

im gonna keep trying to get it out. fuck. sorry. i’ll try get something done with cute in the next few days. im sorry to waste your time guys

#tw #depressing shit i guess #a pity party: featuring grace #fuck

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deojoon · 7 years

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sky blue : 1

cross posted on ao3

part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5

Summary:

(trigger warning) how namjoon came across always and reflection or how namjoon began to love himself with help ! *this fic isn't for everyone, in no way am i romanticizing mental illnesses or what namjoon went through. if you don't like it dont read it thank you.

Notes:

i'm not gonna lie this straight up was the longest and quickest fic ive ever written. all because i was sad. it didn't turn out the way i wanted it to but its something. i kinda cried while writing it only because i sorta relate ? ion know. even though im a shitty writer you gotta start somewhere enjoy !

Chapter 1

: the beginning

I’ve always wondered how he did it. How Namjoon pieced himself back together. Did bts help ? did army help ? did a friend/significant help ? i’ve always noticed something about rm and it’s wasn’t till recently it got better.

It’s was a late night , early 2016, namjoon couldn’t remember the day of the week or date “fuck” he said as he sat in his studio chair looking up at the ceiling. It’s been about 3 days since he locks himself in the studio. This is couple months after his mixtape dropped and when the plagiarism claims had happened. The lowest point of his life.

He checks his phone to see with no surprise to see no new notifications. Namjoon sighed, he stretched his arms and with grogginess, he went back to writing. After even more hours of creativity, Namjoon passes out.

Namjoon woke up to see the time is now 5 am.

He gets up to leave the studio to check on yoongi. No matter what namjoon himself was feeling he thought of everyone else’s well being first. ‘it’s better this way’ he thought.

As he approaches yoongi’s studio he knocks on the door. He hears something crash, he starts to beat on the door calling his name “yoongi please open up”.

After a deep breath yoongi opens up the door breathless “what” he said harshly.

Namjoon walked in already knowing what’s wrong, closed the door and hugged yoongi. “take a deep breath. You’re okay. You’re safe.” Yoongi grabs namjoon tightly

Yoongi was upset, he was mad that he was frustrated with himself, that namjoon knows all too well when he’s mad, that namjoon knows how to make him feel better. Yoongi’s grip eventually loosens. Yoongi’s moves closer to namjoon's neck, just to inhale namjoon’s scent to calm himself. It’s a mix of pine, mint, and cotton candy which is surprisingly addictive.

(Not that yoongi would ever tell anyone that.)

With a now calm yoongi, namjoon asks “what were you doing exactly”

Yoongi still in his neck mumbling “producing. It’s not coming out the way I want it to maybe it’s because i’m not capable of making good music”

Namjoon squeezes yoongi tighter. “yoongi no matter what you’re the most creative person i’ve met. Yoongi don’t pay any mind to this small stump.

“but you don’t understand the pressure”

Once yoongi said that it hurt namjoon’s feelings a bit. Brushing it off namjoon replies “ come one let’s go home you need a break”

Yoongi just sighed and nodded, knowing arguing with namjoon at this point wouldn’t get him anywhere.

They left and went to the dorms. As they walked in seokjin was in the kitchen grabbing food for himself. Like a deer caught in headlights, seokjin jumped and dropped his leftover chicken.

“well there you are yoongi I was looking for you. When you feel better can you fix the bookshelf. Someone broke it” seokjin said glaring at namjoon.

Namjoon sheepishly smiles and rubbed the back of his neck. “sorry”

Yoongi had enough and grumbled “ stop breaking shit i’m tired of fixing it” he stomped away.

Namjoon’s sheepish grin dropped “ i’m going to bed”

As he walked to his shared room with taehyung he began to think about the inconvenience he caused other the members. He sighed and went to bed.

It’s now a Monday on their one month break. While everyone else is out having fun namjoon is stuck inside. its seems like everyone made plans without him yet again. It’s been like this for the last week. No human interaction, so he decided to call jackson to see if he wanted to hang out.

But of course, jackson was busy. Namjoon started to feel antsy. He started to scroll on twitter. Maybe seeing army will make him feel better. Namjoon felt worse after reading comments about how ugly and untalented he is. His mood worsened more and more.

When namjoon heard the door open he knew the rest of the members came back he quickly put his emotions in the back of his head. And walking into the living about to say something only to hear his members making fun of his singing as they listened to the song “adrift”

“he sounds like he’s dying”

“is he gargling a box of nails”

He had enough and went into the bathroom.

He sat down against the wall and stared at himself in the mirror.

‘why am I here’

‘I can’t even write good music without copying someone’

Namjoon shook his head and realized someone was knocking on the bathroom door. He got up and washed his face to see an angry taehyung.

“Finally, do you know how long I was knocking. Get out so I can go in”

Namjoon thought taehyung was concerned for him at first so he smiled but dropped it when he finished.

Namjoon went to his room grabbed his phone, laptop, and wallet and walked out the dorm ignoring everyone’s laughter.

He arrived at his studio locked the door and decided to read on naver thinking the news would make him feel better and distract him. Namjoon ended up reading two articles one about him plagiarizing and the other on how much weight he gained, how fat he is now.

Namjoon was at his breaking point but the one last thing that pushed him over was his parents texting him that they’re on vacation without him.

Namjoon began writing full of tears and sadness.

One morning, I opened my eyes And wished that I was dead I wish someone killed me In this noisy silence I live to understand the world But the world didn’t once understand me, why No, the other half is missing* It’s trying to hurt me I miss me miss me, baby, I miss me miss me baby I wish me I wish me baby Wish I could choose me

Why is it that I’m being so earnest Yet it’s not working out Always Always Always Always Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways)

If I ever meet God, I would tell him this That life is coffee that I never ordered I would grab him by the collar and tell him Death is an americano you can’t refill Are you sure that you’re alive Then, let’s prove it somehow When I exhale, there’s breath** On the window, there’s condensation You are dead You are dad, but you are dead Dead dad you don’t listen to me Dad please listen to me

After writing, the group's manager called him to explain the wings photo shoot and due date for the music.

After the long and exhausting meeting, he went back to the dorms to tell everyone the schedule and he got nothing but complaints.

“why couldn’t you pushback the date”

“all ways make things hard for us”

“ya I really don’t appreciate his at all”

“why’d you make our schedule so intense”

Namjoon ran out the dorm slamming the door.

Namjoon goes back into the studio and just stares at the wall, thinking about the stupid voice in his head repeatedly saying he doesn’t matter and wrote reflection.

I know Every life’s a movie We got different stars and stories We got different nights and mornings Our scenarios ain’t just boring I find this movie very amusing Everyday, I want to shoot it well I want to caress myself I want to caress myself

But you know, sometimes I really really hate myself To be honest, quite often, I really hate myself When I really hate myself, I go to Dduksum I just stand there with the familiar darkness

With the people that are smiling And beer, which makes me smile Coming to me softly, Fear, which holds my hand It’s okay because everyone is in twos or threes It’d be nice if I had friends too

The world is just another name for despair My height is just another diameter for the earth I am all of my joy and anxiety It repeats everyday, the love and hate directed to me Hey you, who’s looking over the Han River If we bump into each other while passing, would it be fate? Or maybe we bumped into each other in our past life Maybe we bumped into each other countless times

In the darkness, People look happier than the day Everyone else knows where they’re supposed to be But only I walk without purpose But still, blending in with them is more comfortable Dduksum, which has swallowed up the night Hands me an entirely different world I want to be free I want to be free from freedom Because right now I’m happy but I’m unhappy I’m looking at myself At Dduksum

I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself

Namjoon now lying on his studio floor hear knocking on his door. He ignores it and goes back to sleep.

'why do they even bother with me'

#rm #namjoon #bts #bts angst #namjoon angst

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karmaepx19500930-blog · 6 years

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mandingo porn - What The Experts Aren't Saying About Mandingo Porn And How It Affects You

Skimming through all the replies was tiring but I sent a reply to a few. I wasnt looking for anything in particular but I posted a personals ad looking for friends. His response was short but sweet. I met him off Craigslist. ding My inbox chimed as I received notification of a new email. I was bored and I needed entertainment. I know what its like to work the hours that you do and how hard it can be for you to meet someone to connect with.

- A" I felt a genuine vibe from the message so I responded back in a positive and upbeat manner. By no means am I a prude but I wasnt looking for anything more than friends. You seem like a cool guy. Tell me something about you. I hope you give me a chance, you wont regret it. Ive probably scanned over 50 some emails hoping there was someone who wasnt so forthcoming with their body parts or with their vulgar language. - W" I clicked send without another thought. "Hey, I saw you post and I promise I read the whole thing and I can definitely say most of it is also true for myself. Looking forward to hearing from ya! I swear I wasnt a lame person but sometimes its nice to get a little attention. I just wanted someone to talk to. I continued my sad night of browsing the internet hopelessly. Im a down to earth guy whos just looking to meet new friends as well. Maybe animal voiceovers would make my night a little better. I sighed but resigned to clicking the notice anyways. It was the same guy from before. Mind if we switch to texting? I havent had much luck so I thought to myself, what the hell lets go for it. Im trying something new and this kind of excites me and scares me at the same time. If you dont text me, Ill understand. I wasnt going to think too deeply into it. "I didnt think youd respond knowing how many guys you had to filter through to get to mine. Id like to get to know you. No expectations, no sexual acts, just simple or deep talks but clean fun. Not even 15 minutes later, I received another email notification. - A" He seemed too good to be true so I did the most sensible think I could think of: I sent him a text message. Right away, I told him I wasnt looking for anything sexual and he completely understood. He asked me if it would be crazy if we were to meet up tonight. He told me he missed a girl to shoot the shit with and be comfortable talking about anything with. " Hey, I found your email refreshing and genuine. He was literally the guy friend I was waiting for all my life. There are tons of creeps out there and I could be one of them. I looked at the time 10:30pm. It was late but I was in the mood of YOLO so I said yes and asked where to. I started to panic a little bit. We texted back and forth about our intentions, our favourite food, the hottest models. I opted for something casual: black jeans with a button down green and red accented plaid shirt. I got ready not knowing where we would end up. Promptly at 11:15pm, I received a text notifying me that he was here. I wore black combat boots to match the outfit. Not something that screamed lesbian but enough that he knew I was only in it for fun. I stepped out of house and I saw his car idling patiently as I locked softcore sex streaming the door. I hopped into his car with little hesitation. I didnt want to be judged for my methods of meeting people. I just thought it would be better this way. He was a short guy from the looks of it. "Hey yourself", he replied with a smile. I know its kinda crazy that Im giving out my number to a complete stranger but Im in the mood of " why the fuck not". He told he would pick me up in 45 minutes. He took off down the street and we started mandingo porn a light conversation. I grabbed my coat at headed out. Dark shirt and pants followed for the rest of his outfit. His face was shrouded in the darkness of the car and the night sky. He had soft features, plump lips, a strong jaw with no facial hair, his eyes were honey coloured, I found out later. Our conversation progressed fairly easily, moving from topic to topic. He didnt seem like the big ass latina porn other guys. We were completely honest with one another, or at least I was. Somehow along the way, he brought up sex related topics. I told my roommate I was headed out but didnt tell her with who. Even though he was a stranger I had just met off the internet not even 2 hours ago, I felt at ease with him. He was in a leather jacket, well worn but seemingly of good quality. I saw him glance at me a few times and I asked what was on his mind. Guys are interested in lesbian sex and all the fixings so I was willing to humour him for this evening. Spanish decent with short black hair, combed over one side. I laughed knowing that most men who have seen me in low cut shirts thought the same. strike one I waited for his response, tongue in cheek. I didnt want to give off that vibe but it just came out. "I couldn’t help but notice you have pretty big breasts", he said cheekily. Personally, I dont mind. I found conversation easy and fun. I saw out of the corner of my eye his eyes widened. I dont think he was expecting such a strong response. I considered telling him off for a split second but instead I accepted his challenge. I could see him get fidgety in the drivers seat as I continued. I got glimpses of him as we passed under street lamps. "I dare you to flash someone as we drive by. I looked down and saw my one button popping open, that little shitty one that sits in between your ladies and always refuses to stay closed. When I finished, my D breasts were exposed cupped securely in my Victoria Secret silky bra. His hand reached from its spot on the steering wheel to my bra clad chest. I slowly begun unbuttoning my shirt. I nodded and shot him a smile. It was big and one breast fit in his palm so nicely. My body felt the chill as soon as my nipple touched the cold air in his car. Something about the thrill and adrenaline rush got me going. He was visibly getting distracted and I was loving it. He caressed me with such gentleness and although this wasnt what I came here to find, I was enjoying his hands on me. He took my left hand and placed it on his crotch area. I joked that they wanted to come out and play too. I dont know what came over me but I let him. Slowly, I rubbed him through the denim fabric. ", he responded boldly. He turned into a neighbourhood and parked at a local baseball diamond that looked out onto the river. I could feel how hard he was in those tight pants. We got out of the car to stretch our legs and kind of cool things down a little bit. I held my jacket closed as my shirt was still unbuttoned. I could feel him struggling to keep his composure. It was late fall and the leaves had fallen all about the cement lot. He was getting more daring as he slipped a thumb under my bra and out popped by nipple as he raised the material. I then asked if this was where he brought girls at night to have his way with them. I had to admit, the view was really nice, overlooking the river and the lights from downtown reflected in the water. It was dark in the park except for the city buildings across the water and the moonlight shining down on us. God Damn, he whispered under his breath. I commented on how I had never been to this area of town before. We had been driving aimlessly around the city for the last hour and a half talking. His arms were strong, broad shoulders, muscular. We stopped in the middle of the baseball diamond and stood in silence. Naturally, it stood erect and soon he was rolling my hard nub between his thumb and forefinger. We jumped the wooden barrier from the parking lot to the grassy area. I could feel him grinding his hard member into my ass while his hands wandered up my body. I had my back to him as he slipped his arms around my waist. I exposed my neck as I tilted my head back resting on his shoulder. It wasnt really HIM that was doing it for me. He brought his body close to mine. He took the opportunity to place a kiss there. The combination of everything had my body in a sensory delight. strike two He laughed saying that this was where he comes to clear his head. This prompted him to kiss me in a more hungry manner. This situation had me turned on. His breathing was getting heavy right in my ear. I felt his finger dip into the folds of my pussy, slick with arousal. " I reached back and undid his belt buckle and jeans in a swift motion. My body started moving on its own accord, grinding against his crotch in sync with his movements. It felt thick and very hard. His hand found a way past the barrier of my jeans and was slowly descending towards my mound. I felt his hard cock through his silk boxers. He inhaled sharply and groaned as he exhaled followed by the words, "Fuck, youre so wet. I let out a soft moan. I began rubbing him on the outside of the material. Not too big and just the right size. I could feel a wet spot where his tip was leaking pre-cum. I found that to be super fucking hot and I felt my wetness starting to spread. He replaced his hand back into my pants, rubbing my clit with my own wetness. I was afraid the cold would cause him to lose his hardness but I was wrong. I needed to touch him, skin to skin. I exposed him to the night air as I pulled him out of his boxers. I rubbed the tip of his cock in a circular motion on my palm and proceeded to stroke him with a pre-cum lubed hand. He inserted two mandingo porn fingers into me and I gasped at the intrusion. His moans were super sexy and his breathing was heavy. I continued to stroke him more vigorously as he pounded his fingers in my wet hole. My breasts were being pinched and squeezed as we stood face to face, masturbating each other in the field. I stood on one leg as he raised my other as he finger fucked me. It felt so wrong but it felt so good all at the same time. strike three He got the message. He took over jerking himself quickly towards an orgasm. Even in the darkness, you could see the lust in my eyes. I threw an arm behind his neck and broad shoulders to keep a hold of my balance. I turned around to face him, cock still in hand. It was the same lust I was feeling between my legs. where do you want it", he said breathily. He began thrusting in my hand as I rocked my hips against his fingers. He looked down at me as I stared up at him with greedy eyes. He offered to find something in his car to clean up the mess but I politely declined. I told him Id ride home with it all over myself. He moaned such a sexy lustful moan and I felt it in my throbbing pussy. In response, I knelt down, exposed my breasts, pushing them together for a mandingo porn star like view. Without another word, I stood up and placed my bra back in place and closed up my shirt. I rubbed the sticky mess all over my breasts, making sure to cover each erect nipple with his cum. His legs almost gave out as he emptied himself all over my chest. With that look, he exploded his creamy load all over my luscious tits. He dick jumped at my words but he decided to put it away for next time.

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