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mdzs-owns-my-ass-i-guess · 1 year

Text

See-through

@greywake

🥵🩻🥰

This is partly inspired by my experience having a sprained ankle. It didn't go as well for me as it did for WWX here, though...

If you find any medical inaccuracies, no you didn't.

Enjoy!

Wei Wuxian has always known he'll end up in the hospital eventually - trouble follows him like he owes it money, and he has a sense of adventure that sometimes pushes him to extremes that don't even make funny stories after.

He figured he'll end up rushed into the ER after some epic fight or a car crash or something news-worthy, though - but no, he's in the ER cause he's sprained his ankle slipping on ice on the way to work this morning. Damn capitalism!

He's more upset about the stupidity of the thing than about the fact that he's had to hobble his way to the hospital because he can't drive (if he tries applying any pressure on his leg he goes lightheaded with pain) and nobody bothered to pick up the phone or answer his texts asking for help - it's the middle of the work day, of course people are busy.

He should be busy too, he has a big project coming up, he really can't afford wasting time with something like this - yet here he is, doing exactly that. His boss is going to be royally pissed, but at least he's in the stage of the project that allows him to work from home and not fall behind.

It's going to be a pain getting A-Yuan to and from school, though. Wen Qing can only get him once or twice a week at most, since she's started working as a surgeon at the general hospital two towns over, and Wen Ning has just begun his internship at a law firm...

A nurse wheels Wei Wuxian down the hallway, away from the emergency room, passing through two large glass doors after a few turns that were only a bit too sharp. He reads "Radiology" on a wall and sighs as the nurse leaves him in the waiting area to go to, presumably, talk to the doctor on call about his case. Wei Wuxian doesn't even bother to hope his bones are fine, actually - he can tell they're not, with the way his ankle looks like it grew a tennis ball overnight or something.

The door to the doctor's office opens and Wei Wuxian almost doesn't hear - if his nurse is going to handle his wheelchair as roughly again, he's pretty sure he'll fall off and last thing he needs is to sprawl all over the hospital floors.

But instead of his ER nurse, the door opens to reveal someone else - and for a moment, Wei Wuxian forgets about the pain in his ankle and how having it immobile will complicate his life. A man walks out in white scrubs that Wei Wuxian finds sexier than any lingerie, stretched taught over the planes of his chest and shoulders, short sleeves revealing beefy arms. He's tall and he's so handsome it should be illegal - his long, shiny, dark hair is pulled back into a ponytail and two strands artfully frame his face, his golden eyes glinting in the sterile lighting... Wei Wuxian distantly remembers Wen Qing watching this one medical show where they called a hot doctor "McDreamy" and Wei Wuxian is pretty sure he met the real life inspiration for that nickname.

"My name is Lan Wangji and I will be attending to you for now." he says and Wei Wuxian can only try not to think of what attending to he'd like this man to do to him. "Let me take you to the X-Ray room and we will discuss your condition further."

Wei Wuxian nods because it takes all his strength not to say something along the lines of "you can take me whenever, wherever or however you like". He does wonder why it's not his nurse doing this instead of the doctor, but if Wei Wuxian can avoid getting wheeled around like a sack of potatoes, he'll take it.

The walk is short and he tries not to be disappointed about not getting this hot piece of man pushing him around like he's presumably, weightless. With the way he looks, he must be really strong, he could probably lift Wei Wuxian with one hand and throw him around like a ragdoll... fuck, they better not be measuring his heart rate again because he's past the 100s for sure.

They enter a large, chilly room, sterile white, a metal table in the center with the X-Ray machine hovering ominously over it. Though Wei Wuxian has always been fascinated with the engineering of such things, he has to admit they need to make these machines look less creepy.

The doctor brings him near the table, and Wei Wuxian wonders if he can just joist himself up on it using his arms only and his one healthy foot. Whatever they've given him for pain in the ER has worn off by now and his ankle throbs with pain insistently.

"No need." Lan Wangji says as he notices Wei Wuxian trying to place himself on the table. "Allow me."

Wei Wuxian's heart leaps into his throat as he feels himself hoisted up and then gently laid down onto the cold table, Lan Wangji not having even so much as winced during the process. Now, he's not on the same level, but Wei Wuxian knows himself to be quite heavy, though he doesn't look it. He's done a good bit of archery before he got pulled out of it by his guardians and he's always enjoyed going to the gym - so knowing all that and yet being lifted like he weighs less than a paper bag has him all sorts of hot and bothered.

No wonder they put him into radiology.

"What happened?" Lan Wangji asks as he presses a few buttons on the machine and carefully inspects Wei Wuxian's ankle as it whirrs to life. His touch is gentle, soft, and Wei Wuxian inadevertedly breaks into goosebumps as he watches the man's fingers all over his bruised skin.

Right, talk.

"I slipped on ice on my way to work, I didn't even notice it was there... I thought I could just power through it but like two hours later I could barely move at all so I had to come here..."

"Were you able to drive?"

"No..."

"Somebody must have brought you in, then?"

"No, I...walked."

Lan Wangji looks at him with narrowed eyes and Wei Wuxian can sense the disapproval in them. "No wonder it looks like this. I doubt it is fractured, and it looks more like a bad sprain, though you've decidedly made it worse by applying constant pressure on it."

Wei Wuxian blushes, embarrassed. "It was the quickest solution... I work pretty far away from here and an Uber would have emptied out my wallet completely, you know..."

Lan Wangji clicks his teeth in disapproval. "I'll have to put you in a cast because of this, so I hope it was worth it."

"How mean..." Wei Wuxian whines, "I'm already in pain, I don't need a scolding too..."

"Your health comes above saving money, above everything. You can make more money later, but if you damage your body irreversibly, no amount of money can fix it."

Lan Wangji carefully reaches to adjust Wei Wuxian's foot over the blinking light of the machine. He yelps at the pain that shoots through him out of nowhere, and Lan Wangji apologizes quietly.

"I apologize, but you are going to have to take it for a bit, I know it hurts."

Wei Wuxian is absolutely not going to look for a double entendre in there and he's not going to think horny thoughts about where else he'd like to be told those words.

"Try to stay still, I won't be longer than a few minutes."

Wei Wuxian hopes that's only true for the X-Ray and nothing else, it would be such a shame if...

He's left alone in the room seconds later, and the X-Ray machine buzzes a few times as Wei Wuxian does his best to stay still and not have to hold that position for much longer. As much as he likes being around the hot radiologist, his ankle seems to have decided it hates him more than before and it hurts terribly now.

Luckily for him, the procedure is over just as he feels like he'll die if he doesn't move.

Lan Wangji returns from the control room and helps him back into the wheelchair, Wei Wuxian too distracted with his fantasies to try not to stare.

"As I suspected, it's not a fracture. The orthopedic tech is currently unavailable, so I will put you in a cast and prescribe you painkillers. You will need them."

"I need them even now..." Wei Wuxian mumbles, "I think my ankle did not like that X-Ray at all."

"I will have something administered for you." And, on the walk out, he shouts out after the nurse, "Su Minshan, bring 500 mg of Naproxene to my office and my prescription notebook, please."

There is some sort of affirmative response from an office - more like a grunt of approval followed by incomprehensive words -, and Wei Wuxian realizes that's his nurse.

"Someone's definitely not having a good day today, huh..."

"Mn. He's going to be transferred to another hospital soon and he is being especially... unpleasant because of it."

"Disciplinary action?"

"Partly. I apologize on his behalf for his behavior."

A laugh. "That's alright, he wasn't that bad, I just felt a bit like in a medical 'Fast and furious' on my way here."

Lan Wangji laughs in turn, and Wei Wuxian is pretty sure his heart skipped a beat or two at the sound. Wow.

They arrive at the end of the hallway and enter an office where several tools and buckets lay next to a bed, a desk and two file cabinets in the opposite corner. Su Minshan shows up shortly after, a sour expression on his face as he brings what was asked of him before storming out.

Wei Wuxian gratefully takes the painkiller after Lan Wangji helped him onto the bed and lifted the leg of his jeans all the way to his knee. He bites his tongue not to make a dirty comment about just taking off his pants entirely.

"Have you ever had a cast before?"

"Surprisingly enough, no! This is my first time."

"You will have to have it on for two weeks. You are likely going to be in pain for only two or three days at most, but I will prescribe you enough pills for a week in case you need them for more."

Lan Wangji brings in a bucket of water and lays down a few towels onto the floor as he proceeds to wash off Wei Wuxian's foot. This shouldn't feel as intimate as it is - and yet, Wei Wuxian is trying so hard not to blush or react in any way at the gentle touches and the careful handling.

"You might get some itching or numbness due to immobility, but no matter what, do not attempt to remove your cast or move your foot inside of it. You will only prolong healing if you do."

Wei Wuxian watches, fascinated, as the man covers his leg in bandages, and then into the white substance that's slowly hardening into his cast. Lan Wangji works with precision, betraying habit, and the focused expression on his features suits him all too well. Is it a breach of any laws if Wei Wuxian were to ask for his number right now?

"Do not attempt to walk with your cast on for the same reason, either. Until you'll have it removed, you should primarily be on bed rest."

The cast is almost finished now, so Lan Wangji goes to wash his hands and sits at the desk to write the prescription and whatever else. Wei Wuxian loves to watch him, and he hopes he doesn't come off as creepy.

"After the cast is off, depending on the look of the sprain and whether you are still in pain, you may be referred to a physical rehabilitation center. Any questions?"

"No, it's all clear, thank you."

"Let me help you out, then."

Wei Wuxian feels like a whole wuss. A coward. He didn't even try to shoot his shot, just sat there staring and said nothing at all! Now he's probably never getting the chance to do it - the odds of returning on the same shift are infinitesimally low... so to hell with Wei Wuxian's luck in love.

Not that he ever expected someone like Lan Wangji to say yes, but still.

Lan Wangji brings him to the parking lot, and Wei Wuxian expects him to say goodbye, leave and mind his business, their fates never crossing again.

However, Lan Wangji pulls out his phone and hands it to Wei Wuxian. "Please order a ride for yourself."

"W-What? No, I- you really don't have to! I can handle it!"

"I am offering, so please do not refuse."

"I appreciate it, but I don't-"

"It's not out of pity. As your doctor, it is my duty to ensure you can start your healing journey properly, and this is part of it."

Wei Wuxian opens his mouth to argue but decides against it. What can he even say? He's not in the position to refuse help, after all, but... he's never heard of a doctor to do something like this for a patient...

"Thank you... I can pay you back in a week or so, when I get-"

"No need."

Of course not, Wei Wuxian thinks to himself, what's an Uber ride to a doctor's salary...

An ambulance whirrs past them and Lan Wangji sees someone in the back wave him to follow.

"I must go, there's an emergency."

"Right, thank you for everything again, and good luck!"

Lan Wangji nods briskly and runs after the ambulance, disappearing into the hospital building.

Wei Wuxian really wishes he's said something, but it's too late now. He decides to look at his medical documents as he waits for the car, distracting himself from his thoughts.

But a smile breaks out on his face as he finds a little post-it note attached to his prescription. It's a phone number, with "See you once you're better?" written in beautiful calligraphy at the end.

If he wasn't immobile right now, he'd jump for joy.

#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #wangxian #writing attempts

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lady-of-the-lotus · 4 years

Text

It’s not Wei Wuxian’s fault that A-Yuan thinks he’s a rabbit, or Jiang Cheng’s fault that toddler Jin Ling used to Zidian to short out the city’s power grid, or Xue Yang’s fault that little A-Qing was strapped to his chest during a motorcycle joyride down the highway, but they are stuck going to family counseling, along with a bored Lan Wangji, a giggly Xiao Xingchen, an out-to-lunch Lan Xichen, and an indignant Jin Guangyao. A lonely Nie Huaisang gets in on the action by joining all twenty group chats and sending way too many gifs.

And, all the while, a rebellion is brewing on Wangxian’s block, their neighbors driven mad by the incessant midnight duets.

Poor Dr. Wen Qing, child psychologist and therapist extraordinaire. What has she done to deserve this?

Read On AO3!

Or read below if the spirit so moves you:

There’s a letter nailed to the door when they arrive home.

Wei Wuxian rips the letter from the nail and reads it aloud.

“ ‘We, the undersigned, do hereby declare Wei Wuxian and Lan Wanji to be persona non grata on Cultivator Court for the following reasons: One: Wild animals leaving unspeakable ‘presents’ on our lawns—’ ”

Wei Wuxian looks up. “That would be Lil’ Apple. Do they sell donkey diapers?”

Lan Wangji unlocks the door. “What else?”

“ ‘Two: Gangs of feral rabbits rampaging through our flower beds!’ –They do have a point here. How they keep getting loose I’ll never know. ‘Number Three: Loud duets at midnight. We get it! You’re in love! Get a soundproof basement or shut the hell up!’ ” Wei Wuxian wrinkles his nose. “Who spit in their bean curd?”

“Where do these people meet, and can I join?” asks Jiang Cheng.

* * * *

One month earlier:

It's all the daycare’s fault, really. And also the gang’s mutual pediatrician for getting involved and setting them up with a family therapist.

And they all know they should be grateful that the authorities are letting them off easy. But—

Weekly family therapy sessions that double as parenting classes? They all already know how to change diapers and hide the matches and make airplane noises.

And none of it’s not any of their faults. More of a…

“Series of misunderstandings,” explains Wei Wuxian to Dr. Wen Qing. “I’m sure when you hear the full story, you’ll laugh too. Right, Lan Zhan?”

“I don’t think she ever laughs,” whispers Xue Yang to Xiao Xingchen, who can’t see Dr. Wen’s impassive face but dissolves into a fit of giggles anyway.

Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes at the two of them and turns to Dr. Wen. “How long is this going to take? My new fashion line launches next week! I don’t have time for this—ow!” He jerks around at A-Yuan, who's gazing up at him innocently. He glares at Wei Wuxian. “Your carrot-brained little son bit me!”

Wei Wuxian scoops his son up onto his lap. “Don’t worry, A- Yuan, Uncle Cheng didn’t mean it—”

“Thumper!” A-Yuan corrects him.

“I’m sorry. Don’t worry, Thumper , Uncle Cheng didn’t mean it.”

“That’s normal,” says Xue Yang. “ ‘Thumper’?”

Xiao Xingchen hushes him.

“I just meant I’d go for a better name,” Xue Yang goes on. “Like Iago or Mushu if we’re picking from annoying cartoon animals. Doesn’t Thumper get shot?”

“You’re thinking of Bambi,” says Meng Yao irritably. He doesn’t look up from his phone as his finger moves in a blur over the screen. He’s missing several important meetings to be here. “He's the one who gets shot.”

A- Yuan’s eyes are huge. “Bambi gets shot?”

“No, Bambi’s mother gets shot,” Xue Yang explains.

A- Yuan bursts into tears.

Lan Wangji shoots Xue Yang a look that’s pure poison.

Dr. Wen clears her throat. “This is perhaps a good example of the dysfunction that—"

“Don’t worry, Thumper’s parents are just fine!” Wei Wuxian tells A- Yuan, squeezing the boy tighter. “Jiang Cheng, show him their pictures on your phone!”

“Do you think I have cartoon rodents as my wallpaper?”

“Google it!”

“Kid’s got to learn about death sometime.” Xue Yang places a lollipop in A-Yuan’s plump little hand. A-Yuan grins at him through his tears. Xue Yang is the kids’ favorite, to the jealousy of everyone but Xiao Xingchen, who is just as beloved. “See? Now he’ll always remember it as something sweet.”

The entire group gives him a Look, save Xiao Xingchen, who’s smiling and nodding.

Sometimes I think he’s deaf as well as blind , Meng Yao texts the others. There are an endless number of group chats, with most created just to complain about the people not on that specific group chat.

WWX : That’s cruel, but...

Jiang Cheng makes an impatient sound. Jin Ling is perched on his knee, slobbering on his custom lotus-patterned purple leather cell phone case. He takes his phone out of the toddler’s mouth and sets him down on the floor. “Can we move this along? Some of us have better things to do.”

“Yes. Thank you, Mr. Jiang.” Dr. Wen glances around the circle of folding chairs. “Now, do we all know why we’re here? Mr. Xue? Would you like to go first?”

Xue Yang stops picking at his chipped black nail polish. “What?”

“Do you know why you’re here, Mr. Xue?”

“I told A-Qing to stop biting people unless they really deserve it, and besides, she’s fully vaccinated, so I don’t see the problem there—”

“Mr. Xiao? Any ideas?”

Xiao Xingchen clears his throat and shuffles his sandaled feet, nervously smoothing the fringe on his oversized tie-dye poncho. “I’m not exactly sure why we’ve been included in a Jiang family therapy session, to be quite honest.”

“Your husband and daughter have been…implicated in some of the group’s…let’s call them mishaps, and as your daughter has adopted A- Yuan’s rabbit fixa—wait a minute, where is your daughter?”

“Xingchen’s got her,” shrugs Xue Yang.

JC - JGY - WWX - Jin Ling’ Uncles

JGY : *That’s* reassuring...

JGY : They make baby leashes for a reason

WWX : Lan Zhan threatened to buy me one the last time we went to the mall. I was lost for a half hour

JC : Are you sure he wasn’t just trying to lose you in the crowd?

WWX : Actually, I think Lan Zhan *did* buy the leash in the end…

*Jiang Cheng has left the chat*

Dr. Wen inclines her head. “Your husband is beside you, Mr. Xue. Your daughter is not.”

Xue Yang cranes his neck around the room. “I’m sure she’s fine, wherever she is. Unrelated question, are all of the valuables around here locked up, or—?”

“Mr. Xue—”

“We’ll know soon enough anyway. Is there an alarm system? No, don’t tell me. I’d rather be surprised. Be right back.” He tucks his phone inside his ripped black jeans and leaves the room, whistling. The clomp of his heavy combat boots disappears down the hall.

“Don’t worry,” says Xiao Xingchen, who seems to have missed a good half of what his husband has said, as usual. “This happens all the time. A-Qing has an excellent sense of direction.”

WWX - JGY - XY - JC - LWJ - Cabbage Patch Kids

JC : What the hell does that mean? The kid’s like 5

WWX : 3, tops

JC : No way she’s 3. She stole my watch last time she played w Jin Ling

LWJ : Are you certain that wasn’t her father?

NHS : XXC would never hahaha 😭 😭 😭

WWX : Huaisang! Whassup!

NHS:

WWX: You change the chat name again? I like it.

JC: Can he take my place here? This whole thing is inane

WWX : "Inane"! So you *have* been using the Word of the Day calendar Lan Zhan bought you!

JC : Shut up

JGY : Like a 5-year-old stealing a watch makes any more sense than a 3-year-old?

WWX : Oh we’re back on that?

NHS : Who stole who’s what now?

LWJ : *whose

JGY : Jiang Cheng was robbed by a toddler.

JC : Don’t you have some corporate espionage to go do or someone’s job to steal or something?

NHS:

JC: Send one more gif and I reach through your phone and strangle you

NHS:

WWX: Did you watch Shrek again without us? That’s A- Yuan’s fav movie

NHS: ur always so busy w lwj n the baby n playing w ur corpses lately!

Dr. Wen sighs. “All right, then. Who would like to go next? Mr. Jiang? How about you? Phones away, everyone, please.”

Jiang Cheng makes a show of being annoyed at having to look up from his phone. “I shouldn’t even be here. This is idiotic.”

WWX - NHS

WWX: Or “inane”

NHS:

“That’s not what the power company report says, Mr. Jiang. Now, I don’t mean to accuse you of anything, but there are concerns—”

“I swear Zidian was depowered when I gave it to Jin Ling to play with,” Jiang Cheng says irritably. “He teethed on that thing for months as a baby. It’s fine.”

WWX -XY - LWJ - JGY - 🧟 🍬 🐇 🤠

JGY: Did Jiang Cheng just tell a mandated reporter that he let Jin Ling teethe on his magic lightning whip?

XY: dammit Im missing all the good stuff!

LWJ: *I’m

NHS:

JGY: You’re wasting my phone’s memory with these ridiculous gifs.

NHS: *inane gifs

XY: Jiggy why don’t you just have your 🍬 🍭 👦👨 buy you a fancy new phone with more memory?

NHS:

WWX: XY did you find A-Qing?

NHS: He lost A-Qing again?

LWJ: …Again?

XY: NHS do you like your tongue where it is or

NHS:

JGY: ?

XY: fingers. whatever.

WWX: I'm lost too

XY: nvm

JGY: That was edifying.

“Now, Mr. Jiang, I don’t mean to insinuate that you let your three-year-old nephew play unsupervised with a dangerous weapon that mistakenly activated and went on to fry the power grid and knock out all power within a five-mile radius for two weeks—”

JGY: Despicable inefficiency

“—or that you took him to a weapons expo, because, I quote ‘He’s going to have to learn to fight eventually anyway’—”

“It was an archery range.”

WWX - LWJ - NHS - Wen Chao Sucks!

WWX: Start ‘em young

NHS: i think it's inane

NHS: WWX? did LWJ smile at that one?

LWJ: No

WWX: He’s laughing on the inside

NHS: how….inane

“Mr. Jiang? Have you any response?”

Jiang Cheng crosses his arms over his chest. Jin Ling is hopping around on the floor with A- Yuan. Obviously not electrocuted, Jiang Cheng thinks, so what’s the problem? “So when my brother blows out the entire neighborhood’s power doing illegal experiments in his garage it’s okay, but I plug a space heater into the same outlet as a toaster and I’m suddenly the devil incarnate?”

NHS - WWX - JGY - Two Bros & A Guy

NHS : Why would you need a space heater in the kitchen? what I do is turn the oven on and that gets the room all hot

WWX : I think you need a new oven

NHS : Are ovens not supposed to do that??

WWX : Do fridges radiate cold?

NHS : I never thought about it that way 🤔

JGY : In the history of the world, nobody ever has.

WWX : Also, all of my illegal experiments are electricity-free.

JGY : …Jin Ling is never spending the night at your house again.

WWX : I said electricity-FREE!

JGY : Because a fridge full of corpses that you and that psychotic hooligan are trying to raise from the dead is so much better.

WWX : A) it’s a top-of-the-line industrial freezer, not a fridge, and B) those corpses were ethically-sourced—locally-sourced, anyway—

NHS : free-range & organic

WWX : zip it Huaisang

NHS : 🐓

Dr. Wen taps her clipboard with her pen. “Mr. Jiang, nobody's accusing you of anything. This is simply—”

“Whatever. What about him?” Jiang Cheng jerks a thumb at Meng Yao. “At least I didn’t set fire to anything.”

Meng Yao straightens up indignantly. “That was an accident!”

Dr. Wen looks like she wants to go home. “According to the fire marshal’s report, it—”

“I’m so terribly sorry I’m late!” A slightly disheveled Lan Xichen appears in the doorway, Xue Yang behind him. “I locked my keys in the car, and was going to call AAA, but then I remembered that we aren’t members—did you know you have to be a member?—plus my phone—”

Xue Yang slaps him on the back. His other hand, gloved as always, is holding A-Qing by the hand. Her oversized pockets clink suspiciously as she runs to go play with A-Yuan and Jin Ling. Today Xue Yang has dressed her in a pink poodle skirt, black boots with frilly socks, and a black T-shirt with the words “Daddy’s Little Delinquent” in pink script, pulling her hair into spiky little pigtails.

“—and the look the bus driver gave me when I tried paying with the $50 I luckily had in my pocket!”

“He’s telling the truth,” Xue Yang says. Over the years, an odd friendship has sprung up between him and Lan Xichen. “He has a stamped bus pass and everything. Look at the poor man. Had to squash in with the hoi poloi. He won’t be over this for weeks.”

Lan Xichen is blinking too much. “And someone on the bus stole my wallet, though I could have sworn I left the bus with it—”

Xue Yang winks at A-Qing, who grins at him and pats the bulging pocket on her frilly pink skirt.

JC - WWX

JC : Why is my lead fashion designer wearing CROCS??

WWX : His house keys must have been on the same keychain. Lan Zhan said he took today off from work

JC : Okay but why are they orange?

WWX : Not everything he owns has to be blue, you know

JC : His contract clearly states at least three out of every four articles of clothing have to be blue!

WWX : Relax, lil bro

JC : He’s the face of our Overly Elaborate Yet Elegantly Simple Eveningwear division!

NHS : Who is?

JC : GET BIRD BRAIN OFF THIS CHAT OR I SWEAR TO ZIDIAN—

NHS : 😿 who just showed up? Xichen?

WWX : Yup he just arrived after a harrowing bus experience

NHS : https://cutt.ly/Mks2dgu ?

JC : Does anyone actually like when people send them links??

NHS : https://cutt.ly/hks21H8

Meng Yao is wearing what Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang call his "customer service smile," a holdover from his dark days in retail. It's the closest he ever gets to showing irritation towards his fiancé. “Why didn’t you Uber over, Xichen?”

“I locked my phone in the car with the keys—”

“It’s fine, Mr. Lan," says Dr. Wen. "Please have a seat. You’re just in time. After all, you were mentioned by name in the fire marshal’s report, along with the somewhat contradictory descriptions of ‘dazed’ and ‘hysterically sobbing,’ which naturally piqued my interest—”

Lan Xichen seats himself beside Meng Yao. He's still looking somewhat frazzled Then again, his main two facial expressions are “gentle smile” and “mild anxious look.” “That was an accident. The fire, I mean. A little mishap.”

“Gentlemen, all of these incidents cannot be mere ‘accidents’—”

“I was meditating and A-Ling wandered in and knocked over the incense burner,” Lan Xichen explains hurriedly. Meng Yao, well-practiced as he is at hiding his emotions, winces slightly. “The window was open, and there was a breeze, and A-Yao just bought these new gauzy curtains that tend to flap about quite a bit—”

XY - JGY - LWJ - JC - NHS - Crossing Us Is A *Great* Idea

XY : And burn quickly

NHS : What am I missing???

XY : Insurance fraud

NHS:

XY : Yes. We’re all complicit now

JGY : Xue Yang, have you heard of a little something called libel?

XY : 🖕 We should go back to building with asbestos like they did in the good old days

JC : We’re all so glad you’re here, Xue Yang

NHS : I need to adopt a kid so I can join your group or something, this sucks, you get to go this secret club every week, jc I see wwx even less than you do

JC : stop talking

XY : What color baby you want, NHS?

JC : What the hell??

XY : That was a joke

NHS: ....

“…and I was so deep in meditation I didn’t notice the flames until the fire department arrived, but A-Ling was fine, just fine, and all the fire fighters were so very nice…”

WWX : Can confirm. Xichen was more traumatized than the kid. The firefighters had to wrap him in like fifty foil blankets

XY : XXC tells me Himbo stayed with you a full week, was that why? my boy didn't tell me

LWJ : “Himbo”? He got 1600 on his SAT.

XY: Term of endearment he knows he’s my boy plus the guy locked his keys and phone in the car for the second time this month

JC : At least he feels remorse over his child endangerment, unlike certain other people I could mention

LWJ : "Child endangerment"?

XY : Tell us again about how Jin Ling used to teethe on Zidian, JC?

NHS:

“Dr. Wen will be pleased to know that my apartment is now fully equipped with a top-of-the-line sprinkler system,” says Meng Yao smoothly. “No more incense, either. This unfortunate incident will never be repeated again.”

XY - WWX - JC - Odd Man Out

XY : At least not until the insurance money runs out

WWX : 😒

XY : Not that he needs it, after landing Himbo

NHS:

WWX: Those jokes really aren't funny

NHS: 😔

JC: Dammit NHS are you in every chat?? Did you change the chat names? Why aren't you showing up on half the participant lists?? Did you hack our phones or what??

NHS: Don’t be so *inane*

Wei Wuxian titters.

“Mr. Wei? Since you seem so eager to speak, perhaps we should move onto your issues, then.”

Wei Wuxian straightens up and points to his chest, the picture of innocence. “Me?”

Dr. Wen smiles thinly. “You, Mr. Wei. Perhaps you can tell us your side of what the school is referring to as ‘The Radish Incident.’ ”

“Well….” Wei Wuxian darts a glance over at Lan Wangji, who is as impassive as ever. “I was just burying him for fun, you know. We like to pretend he’s a radish—“

“A radish?”

“It’s a…you know. A game. I personally like potatoes better, but—”

“Mr. Wei, several parents complained to the school.”

“Because we were hogging the sandbox.”

“Because your son was running around screaming ‘I’m a chubby little radish boy!’ Which in itself would not be cause for concern. But coupled with his troubling behavior the following week—"

XY - JC - JGY - Two Men & A Half

XY : Where did she get these records? Who does she work for, the NSA?

NHS : She’s an astronaut?

JGY : How did you sneak into this chat? And did you rename it?

NHS : 😉

JGY: You're what, an inch taller than me?

XY: someone struck a nerve

JGY: It's just derivative of the other group chat, that's all.

NHS : u said no to "gettin' jiggy w it" i had no other choice. anyway what's happening over there?

JC : I’ll give Dr. W this, that kid is weird.

NHS : who a-yuan?

JC : I’ll give Dr. W this, that kid is weird.

JC : I mean, he’s my nephew, he’s a great kid, that’s not what I’m meant—

XY : *delete delete*

JC : How does your hippie husband put up with you??

JGY : We suspect brainwashing or blackmail.

“—when he decided he was a rabbit or," Dr. Wen continues, "or, as he put it, ‘Daddy’s Huggy Little Bunny Boy.”

“He is Daddy’s Huggy Little Bunn—"

“And only responds to the name ‘Thumper,’ refuses to eat anything other than carrots or food containing carrots, insists on wearing bunny ears—"

XY - NHS

XY : If it’s good enough for Louis Belcher, it’s good enough for Freaky Little Bunny Boy

NHS:

you watch the show too?? I call mingjue “bob” - u know - grumpy mustache guy

XY : I’m sure that’s gone over well

NHS: he’ll learn to love it

XY : A-Qing loves Louis

NHS:

“—hops around instead of walking, and has convinced others of the same…fantasy.”

Everyone glances over at the three children, who are hopping in a circle. A-Yuan has a fluffy little tail on the seat of his pants, carefully sewn on by Lan Wangji. Jin Ling has a handful of cotton balls that had been badly superglued on by an annoyed Jiang Cheng. And A-Qing has a wad of blue cotton candy taped to her frilly pink skirt with a strip of duct tape. As they watch, Jin Ling rips the cotton candy off and stuffs it in his mouth. A-Qing shoves him onto his cottony rear end.

“That’s my girl!” Xue Yang calls.

“Daddy’s proud of you!” Xiao Xingchen adds, though he’s not quite sure what’s going on.

Dr. Wen sighs. “I’m still unclear about how this started. Was it the rabbit incident? Mr. Lan—" She nods her head at Lan Wangji to differentiate between the brothers. Lan Xichen has fallen asleep in his chair, exhausted by his first-ever bus ride. “—I mean, I beg your pardon, Dr. Lan. Perhaps you can fill us in on that? He told his teacher he was attacked by a rabbit monster."

“So he was bitten by one rabbit!” Wei Wuxian says when Lan Wangji just eyes her coldly. “It wasn’t Lan Zhan’s fault. That rabbit was bad news. It had this gleam in its eye—lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes—"

Xiao Xingchen emits a muffled little squeak. Xue Yang looks annoyed. He hates when other people make Xiao Xingchen laugh.

NHS - JC

NHS:

JC: yes yes we all get the Jaws reference

NHS: the last movie we all watched together : /

JC: yes I just said that

NHS: like three months ago

JC: and?

NHS: just saying...

“He was scared of the rabbits after that, and so Lan Zhan told him that rabbits only bite their own, and, well…I mean, we have a hundred rabbits in our backyard. It was either rehoming them and making the news like those crazy cat people, or making A-Yuan feel better.”

A-Yuan hops past, wiggling his cotton tail.

Jiang Cheng rubs his temples.

“All right, Mr. Wei. Thank you. That’s…elucidating. We’ll delve into that in future sessions. Now, perhaps we can discuss the June 7th incident involving you and Mr. Xue?”

Xiao Xingchen starts to laugh again. Xue Yang grins to himself.

LWJ - JC

LWJ : What happened on the 7th?

JC : Am I my brother’s keeper??

“Now, the seventh? I was…hard to remember, all that time ago…” Wei Wuxian taps his chin. "The mists of time and all that."

“It was three weeks ago, Mr. Wei.”

“The seventh….the seventh…was that a Tuesday—?”

“Wen Chao had it coming,” said Xue Yang. Smirking, he twirls his ponytail around a finger. His ponytail is long and sleek and sprouts from the top of his head like an 80s schoolgirl's. “Amiright, ‘Mr. Wei’?”

Wei Wuxian coughs. “You mean the Wen Chao who lives on Qishan Road? That Wen Chao?”

“That spoiled rich kid?” Jiang Cheng asks. (“As if you’re one to talk,” says Xue Yang.) “With the oversized Humvee and tractor-sized tires with spinning rims? Zipping down the street at all hours and blasting his music? I went to college with him. He used to leave double-deckers in the bathroom at frat parties.”

Dr. Wen swallows a long-suffering sigh. “Thank you, Mr. Jiang. I’m sure that information will prove most helpful in evaluating your brother’s case. Mr. Wei, your arrest, combined with the Huggy Little Bunny Boy Incident, does not fill me with confidence.”

“Not arrested—"

“Taken for questioning,” Xue Yang agrees. “By the neighborhood watch. Golf dads and wine moms. Very different from 'arrested.' "

"And you should know," says Meng Yao.

JC - JGY

NHS : What’s going on? What am I missing????

JGY: Did you just make a new group chat? Your name isn't showing up. This is disconcerting.

NHS: don’t worry about it

JC : We’re talking about Wen Chao

NHS : overcompensating humvee ex-frat boy with the hair gel? vomit in the jacuzzi and streak across the field at the big game wen chao? ur babysitter's cousin?

JC : The very idiot

NHS : He has nice sunglasses

JC : For a Russian mobster

NHS : Says the guy who owns a purple zebra striped jacket

JC : Says the guy with more bird-themed shirts than Winston Bishop

JGY : Touche.

NHS : i didn’t know u watch New Girl 2! we must talk l8tr shorturl.at/vDI26

JGY : Your abbreviations are marginally shorter than the actual words.

NHS :

JC : Cleaning bird cages does take up most of one’s afternoon

NHS : see, u get it

JC : Dr. Wen isn’t buying whatever WWX is selling here.

JGY : Wen Chao is related to Dr. Wen. If WWX had any more sense than a chipmunk, he’d realize that. No matter how much you hate someone, family is family...

“Wen Chao was a public menace,” says Wei Wuxian self-righteously. “He deserved what he got. Speeding down the street all the time. Think of the children!”

LWJ - WWX

LWJ: Why is this my first time hearing about this?

WWX: You’ve heard me complain about WC a million times. I even named a group chat after him!

LWJ: Wei Ying.

WWX: You were off visiting your uncle with A-Yuan ! You left me unsupervised! I am not to be blamed!!!

LWJ: We’ll discuss this later

WWX: 😓

“Perhaps the better question is where you got all those fish,” says Dr. Wen.

Everyone turns to look at Xue Yang.

“A magician never reveals his secrets,” he grins.

Xiao Xingchen chuckles.

“Five hundred dollars in damages, Mr. Xue. Raw fish juice is difficult to get out of faux tiger fur upholstery, I understand.”

Xue Yang flaps his hand. “His father can afford it.”

“That is not the—" Dr. Wen stops, perhaps realizing that an argument with Xue Yang means forfeiting a chunk of her sanity. “Moving on, Mr. Xue, can you explain this picture you posted on social media?”

“That picture’s an old one. A-Qing’s just a baby.”

“Mr. Xue, given the recent threats you made towards A-Qing’s daycare teacher for putting her in a time-out for stealing her classmate’s graham crackers and apple juice, this is relevant.”

“Posting that to the public account was a mistake, if that’s your concern. My Insta for A-Qing is private, but I was in a candy store and got kind of distracted by the new sugar-frosted fruity explosion jaw-busting mega bombs—"

“You fail to understand the issue, Mr. Xue. What’s that in her mouth?”

“Fingers. Or is that a toe?”

Xiao Xingchen laughs.

“They weren't real,” says Xue Yang.

WWX - JC

WWX:

JC: Great more gifs

“I think I have one with the Halloween store tags still on—" Xue Yang scrolls through the hundreds of photos of A-Qing filling his phone. “Should be one in here somewhere—oh, look, Xingchen, these are from your birthday party; I tell you, Amazo the Magnificent had no sense of humor at all; you’d think nobody had ever replaced his rabbit with a porcupine before-"

Jin Ling hops by. “Rabbit!” he cheers.

Jiang Cheng groans.

“There is blood on the fingers, Mr. Xue.”

Xue Yang gives a breezy laugh. “Paint. The springy plastic is perfect for teething. You just put it in the freezer for a few hours—real fingers wouldn’t work; they’d freeze solid, which makes good ice packs for those hard-to-reach places, sure, but as far as teething goes—”

Dr. Wen holds up a hand. “Thank you, Mr. Xue. That’s enough. My next question is about this speeding ticket, which you received while your daughter was strapped to your chest.”

“She was wearing a helmet!”

“You were driving a motorcycle down the highway, Mr. Xue.”

Xue Yang glances hurriedly at Xiao Xingchen, who’s frowning. “These were two separate incidents—"

“Mr. Xue, I don’t think that that makes it much better—"

“Ouch!” Meng Yao shoots to his feet. “He bit me! Your son bit me!”

Wei Wuxian scoops up A- Yuan, who's looking very satisfied with himself. “You shouldn’t have worn a carrot-orange shirt, then.”

“It’s not orange, it’s beige—"

“Maybe he was aiming for Xichen’s crocs and missed,” Xue Yang suggests.

Meng Yao pats his pockets. “Where’s my phone?”

Xue Yang winks at A-Qing, whose already-stuffed pocket is bulging further. Xue Yang likes dressing her in disarmingly cute dresses and skirts with huge pockets, the better to hide her loot. She grins and twirls a pigtail like Xue Yang twirls his ponytail and skips off with Jin Ling and A- Yuan.

Meng Yao is wearing the fixed smile of a Starbucks barista whose customer just asked to speak to the manager. Never a good sign. “Could somebody be so kind as to call my phone?”

Wei Wuxian makes a show of dialing. No one else moves. Lan Xichen mumbles something to himself in his sleep, chin sunk deep in his chest.

“Sorry, Jiggy,” says Wei Wuxian. “Maybe you left your phone at home?”

“You all saw me using it not a minute ago, and kindly stop calling me Jiggy—"

“A-Yao?”

Meng Yao’s customer service smile slips. “Just stop talking for five seconds, that’s all I ask—"

Dr. Wen shakes her head. At this point she seems more bored than anything else. “Moving along, Mr. Xiao, this is perhaps inconsequential when held up beside your husband’s joyrides with A-Qing—"

“Not a joyride,” Xue Yang interrupts. “That motorcycle is registered in my name. Well, a name—"

“—but A-Qing’s teacher has told me that she witnessed you allowing A-Qing to take candy from strangers.”

“The lady seemed nice,” says Xiao Xingchen, folding his hands placidly in his lap. “She had peppermints.”

Xue Yang sighs fondly.

JC - WWX

NHS: thnx for calling me WWX. reception could be better but this is better than anything on tv. literally candy from strangers?

JC: Dear heaven HE’S back. Just text a chat you're actually on!

NHS: ‘Dear heaven’?

JC: This is inane!

WWX: …not bad

Xiao Xingchen smiles. “She smelled like snickerdoodles and lavender.”

Dr. Wen sighs. “Mr. Xiao—"

“I’ll talk to him later, doctor,” says Xue Yang, patting Xiao Xingchen’s arm reassuringly. “Anything else? What did Mr. Beige do?” He grins at Meng Yao, who’s still looking for his phone.

“Mr. Meng, aside for the fire, which we’ve established is not your fault—though, fiance or not, you should be a bit more judicious in your choice of babysitters—"

Lan Wangji shoots Dr. Wen a look that almost melts the metal clip on her clipboard.

She absorbs it without so much as an eyebrow twitch. “—there is the Treehouse Incident, though I don’t believe the collapse of your nephew’s treehouse was your fault.”

JC - WWX - LWJ - We’re All Cool Here We Promise

NHS : i hear he bought the biggest fanciest one he could then set it up himself and then it fell down at the first storm. if that’s not a metaphor for his life I don’t know what is

JC : That wasn’t funny, someone could have gotten hurt

WWX : it was kind of funny

NHS : it was very funny

LWJ : "Hurt" like a baby at a weapons expo?

NHS : LWJ IN DA HOUSE!

JC : It was an ARCHERY RANGE

LWJ:

NHS: LWJ USED A GIF IM DEAD LMAO—

LWJ: *I’m

“We are suing the playhouse company,” says Meng Yao. “Right, Xichen?”

“Hm?” Lan Xichen sits up with a jerk. “I beg your pardon?”

Meng Yao gives him a patient smile and turns back to Dr. Wen. “As you can see, we have the situation well in hand.”

Lan Xichen has no idea what he’s talking about but nods along anyway. “Of course we do. In fact—" He whips out a recorder and starts playing “Wonderwall.”

“That was…lovely,” says Dr. Wen once he finishes. “Don’t do it again. Now, moving on to the County Fair Incident—"

“Which was an accident!”

“One more interruption, Mr. Wei, and you will be asked to return for solo counseling."

JC - LWJ - XY - NHS - Lan Wangji Pls Stop Vetoing All My Best Chat Names Thnx

NHS : Make him stand in the corner! LWJ, does that ever work at home?

XY : I think he uses *stronger* methods 😏

*Lan Wangji has left the chat*

JC : Xue Yang shut up I will end you that’s my brother

XY : End me with your sparkly little whip? 👀

JC : Your husband’s sitting right next to you you little freak. Allo people are so fricking annoying!

NHS : hey!

JC: I call it as I see it

NHS: your one to talk 😒

*Lan Wangji has joined the chat*

LWJ : *You're

*Lan Wangji has left the chat*

XY : How old were you when you lost your sense of humor, Grape Boy?

JC : “Grape Boy” is that the best you can do?

XY : there are children present

NHS : 🤭 🤭 🤭

JC : Same way there are children present while barreling down the highway at 80 mph on a motorcycle?

NHS:

XY : The state troopers blew that way out of proportion

Dr. Wen taps her clipboard. “Stealing livestock violates Section 2 of the Farm and Livestock Act—”

“No harm no foul,” shrugs Xue Yang. “And Xiao Xingchen gave all the trampled people candy afterward, so we’re all square. Well, snacks, anyway."

“Good snacks,” Xiao Xingchen adds. “Carob-covered rice cakes and trail mix.”

NHS: 🤢

“You can’t just hand out nuts children who might have an allergy—"

“There were also boxes of raisins. Full-size.”

Dr. Wen struggles to keep from rolling her eyes. Jiang Cheng rolls his hard enough for the both of them.

JC - NHS

NHS:

JC: wtf is that get that off my screen

“According to the police report, all three of your children broke into the paddock, released the donkey, and rode him down the main promenade, scattering fairgoers in their wake. I have the video.” Dr. Wen holds up her phone. Loud screams and merry-go-round music blast from her phone. “Mr. Xue? Anything to say?”

“That guy was barely trampled,” says Xue Yang. “Also, I had nothing to do with opening the paddock, whose latch sticks (just by the way), or helping the kids up onto the donkey, so—"

“This was found at the scene.” She holds up black leather necklace with a single red bead. "Look familiar, Mr. Xue?”

Xue Yang touches his bare throat. “I’ve been framed.”

“And this.” She holds up a flute and glances over at Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian darts a quick glance over at Lan Wangji, who does not look amused. Then again, he never does. “Since when was I even a suspect—?"

“Since you left your flute there like an idiot,” says Jiang Cheng.

“Lil’ Apple’s paddock was too small! I had to do something."

“Gentlemen—"

The cuckoo clock on the wall goes off, waking up Lan Xichen, who’s drifted off again. He whips out his recorder again but Meng Yao lays a gently restraining hand on his wrist.

Dr. Wen rises. “We will continue this next week. In the meantime, I have some worksheets—"

JC - NHS

JC : Kill me now

NHS : i wouldnt tempt LWJ if i were u…

JC : not like I take up any of WWX’s precious time anyway anymore. LWJ goes out of town and WWX teams up with that nutcase ex-juvenile delinquent of all people to vandalize WC’s car?? In college we stole WC's team's stupid tortoise mascot together

NHS : …..i'll call u later

JC : Please don’t

NHS :

NHS: u can come over on ur own to watch a movie or smthing u know

NHS: ur new line launched already so ur not so busy now right?

NHS: u can bring jin ling along as a chaperone if u want

NHS: hello?

NHS: that was a joke…

JC: okay but no more romcoms

NHS: u brought mama mia over last time not me

JC: I grabbed the wrong dvd

NHS: …..🤐

JC: 🖕

NHS: 😏 see u soon

* * * *

One month later:

“Best session yet!” says Wei Wuxian as they pull up to his house in Jiang Cheng's sleek purple Jaguar. “I mean, Dr. Wen wasn’t thrilled about the whole ‘our kids visited Nie Huaisang’s bird sanctuary and now think they’re skvaders’ thing, but all in all—"

“Just get out of the car.” Jiang Cheng gives him a little shove. They’d all been busy this past month, and had only seen Nie Huaisang once, but that had been enough to convince the kids that they’re hybrid bunny-birds. “I’ll wait outside while you go and get Jin Ling—" He stops. A letter is nailed to the front door.

“Is someone starting another Protestant reformation?” Wei Wuxian jokes. He grins at Lan Wangji, who raises his eyebrow slightly. Excellent. So he found the joke as funny as he did, though going by the way he eyes the nail he’s not thrilled about what just happened to the door’s glossy blue paint.

Wei Wuxian rips the letter from the nail and starts to read aloud. “ ‘We, the undersigned, do hereby declare Wei Wuxian and Lan Wanji to be persona non grata on Cultivator Court for the following reasons: One: Wild animals leaving unspeakable “presents” on our lawns—’ ”

Wei Wuxian looks up. “That would be Lil’ Apple. Do they sell donkey diapers?”

LWJ unlocks the door. “What else?”

“Where do these people meet, and can I join?” asks Jiang Cheng.

Wei Wuxian slings an arm around his shoulders, the first time in weeks. Jiang Cheng hasn’t seen much of his brother outside of the counseling sessions. “Dr. Wen says that kind of negativity is toxic.”

Jiang Cheng grunts, but lets Wei Wuxian keep his arm on his shoulder. “I’ll show you toxic—”

The babysitter is sitting under the table with Jin Ling and A-Yuan when they enter the house, building a miniature cenotaph made out of blocks.

“The kids okay, Wen Ning?” Wei Wuxian asks him.

Wen Ning peers out from between two chairs. “We were under siege for a couple of hours. Pitchforks and torches, same old thing. But we turned out the lights and stayed away from the windows and made s’mores.”

“So that’s what happened to all the plastic lawn flamingos. Trampled by angry villagers."

Jiang Cheng pinches his temples. “I told you adopting an incontinent donkey was a bad idea. At least keep his paddock locked.”

“We don’t have to tell your sister about this, do we, Wen Ning? …Good. What did the mob look like? Did you catch any names?”

“They were led by a fat man with a goatee and a skinny old guy with beady eyes and a moustache like two long droopy rat tails." Wen Ning crawls out from under the table. “The skinny guy was wearing bright red and blue and purple clothes and the fat guy had a bullhorn. And my cousin Wen Chao was in back yelling something about the rising cost of dry cleaning in this day and age, I think?”

“Yao and Ouyang.” Wei Wuxian makes a face. “Power couple from hell, and I should know. I’ve been there.”

“Are they those nosy neighbors you’re always complaining about?” asks Jiang Cheng.

“They’ve been after us from day one!”

“Well, having that fierce corpse of yours key their car didn’t help.”

“That was an accident.”

Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes.

“You know, Nie Huaisang has been texting me about this house for sale next door to him,” says Wei Wuxian thoughtfully. “Lan Zhan, maybe we should check it out?”

Jiang Cheng picks up Jin Ling and pats him gently on the back. “You’re just going to have the same problem with the angry villagers, just across town.”

“No, it’s a big corner lot. I’ve seen it. Looks like the Addams Family lives there. Comes with its own little graveyard and everything. Huaisang’s family owns it, and they’ve been trying to unload it for months, but everyone thinks it’s haunted just because of that time I brought those fierce corpses with me on a visit and they got loose—but that’s neither here nor there. It’s perfect!”

Lan Wangji nods.

“Whatever.” Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes. “Let’s get going, A-Ling.”

Once he’s strapped Jin Ling into his car seat, he takes out his phone.

JC - NHS

JC : Your plan worked

Nie Huaisang:

???

Jiang Cheng: yeah. Thanks for riling them up behind my brother’s back all month. Class move. Direct and straightforward

NHS:

NHS: not that they needed much inciting. wwx blowing up the garage was the last straw

JC : was still weirdly convoluted for no reason

JC : Not sure why you had to get me involved either

NHS: says the guy who lives 20 blocks away but still volunteered to file the noise complaint because, i quote, “the duets *R* annoying”

JC : well you can’t file a complaint about them stopping mid-conversation with you to gaze soulfully into each others’ eyes for ten minutes

NHS : *snort*

JC : If you miss WWX so much 🙄 why didn’t you just tell him straight out instead of pulling this shtick?

NHS:

NHS : there’s another house available down the street just fyi…

NHS: my big fat greek wedding sat night? u bring the dvd n i’ll get the pizza

Shaking his head, but smiling to himself, Jiang Cheng starts the car.

89 notes · View notes

eleanorfenyxwrites · 4 years

Text

((2.5k of grieving Dad!Wangji))

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3)

———

Something's wrong.

He's Wei Ying but he's not. His eyes are red, tear tracks glittering pale on cheeks that are ashen and drawn. He's gaunt, even more than when Wangji had seen him at the Burial Mounds before, when the hunger pangs were just beginning. This wasn't right. They should've been able to grow more food now, they shouldn't be so hungry. Why is Wei Ying so hungry?

He's laughing like he's drowning, and the choking tendrils of resentful energy around him swirl a little closer. They make his robes flutter in a nonexistent wind and his hair lift and curl deceptively delicately around the too-sharp lines of his face. His teeth flash white against blood-red lips and his eyes are dark, full of hatred and bitterness. His sobbing laughter is the cold slice of a knife against Wangji's soul.

"Wei Ying," he says anyway, because no matter how he looks this is /his/ Wei Ying. Whatever's wrong, whatever has happened, they can fix it and he can be whole. He can be his. Those bloodshot eyes search through the nothingness of the spirits that are slowly taking hold of him until they find Wangji there beyond the darkness he's cultivated and something in his expression eases.

"Lan Zhan," he says and his voice sounds a thousand miles away, his lips hesitant to form the words and fresh tears follow the trails the previous tears had blazed. "Lan Zhan," he says again and it still breaks his heart but Wangji knows better this time, knows what will happen if he responds incorrectly. He has the benefit of experience to help him now, and so he carefully stores Bichen and Wangji and he holds his empty hands up in surrender as he takes a step closer, and then another, taking his time as he walks along the narrow center beam of the roof - now is no time to rush. The other cultivators shout and heckle from the courtyard below, but none of them would dare to approach the Yiling Laozu. They're safe for now.

"Wei Ying," he says gently. The sound is no doubt lost in the wind and the screaming of wronged souls in Wei Ying's ears but he sees his eyes track the movement of his lips so he takes another step forward, and another. Tendrils of black energy start to lick at him curiously and he pays them no mind. They can have what they want of him, he's here for Wei Ying only.

He passes through the edge of the angry mass of spirits and he feels cold, his expression slipping out of his careful mask just enough to make Wei Ying reach for him, his eyes suddenly terrified.

"Lan Zhan stop!" he begs and this is the one thing that Wangji can't give him. He can't stop, he won't. Not this time. He takes another step and feels the agony of a thousand souls crushed under the heels of those more powerful than them. He hears them screaming for blood and vengeance in his ears and he takes another step, the cries of the damned and the forgotten growing louder and louder the closer he gets. Wei Ying is crying again and his hands are scrabbling at the flute in his belt but he's weak and shaking and won't take his eyes off of Wangji long enough to look at what he's doing. Wangji will reach him before he can play a note, so he doesn't worry. He just keeps walking though he feels himself burning alive, the resentful energy uncontrollably turned on anyone who gets too close. He'll always want to be too close.

When he reaches Wei Ying, he's alarmed to find that he looks even worse than he had previously thought. He reaches up with trembling hands to cup his jaw and his skin is like ice.

"Wei Ying," he repeats and this time he's close enough to be heard no matter what. He watches something like peace smooth out the pained expression on Wei Ying's ghostly face and despite it all he feels one corner of his mouth lift into the barest hint of a smile. "Wei Ying," he says again and the voices screaming in his ears grow quieter. "Wei Ying."

"Wei Ying."

"Wei Ying!"

Wangji sits straight up in bed and presses one trembling hand to his chest, his breath coming hard and fast as the echoes of the screams in his dream linger persistently in the back of his mind. This is, unfortunately, unfamiliar territory and he begins to walk himself through his usual post-nightmare routine even before his heart and breathing begin to calm.

He drops his head and his unbound hair falls forward to shield him.

He closes his eyes tightly and resolutely refuses to let his imagination continue to run rampant.

He allows his heart to fracture but not to break again completely. He will not survive if it breaks again completely.

"Father."

Wangji takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly, A-Yuan as patient as ever as the boy kneels next to his bed and waits for him to recover.

"I am fine," Wangji finally replies though his voice sounds anything but. A-Yuan is gentle so he says nothing about it, but he's also resolute so he stays kneeling next to the bed to wait in silence for him to tell the truth.

He's so much a product of all of his parenting figures that it makes Wangji ache not only for Wei Ying but for the remnants of the Wen Sect who had raised him as a village. He can see Wen Ning's kindness in his eyes and the fierce loyalty of Wen Qing in the set of his jaw, and he tries not to think too hard about the Wens’ son growing up with only him, a stranger back then at the beginning, for his caretaker.

"Hanguang Jun," A-Yuan tries and that, at least, is enough to make him look. He turns his head and brushes his hair back over his shoulder so he can look his son in the eye and try not to see his past failures reflected back at him.

"Thirteen years," Wangji finally says quietly by way of explanation. He meets A-Yuan's steady gaze and his lips press tightly together lest he give more of a voice to the aching in his chest.

"I can wait for another few weeks to go on my first nighthunt, father," A-Yuan offers immediately, because of course he does.

"No."

"Father."

"No, A-Yuan. You have to go."

"You're unwell." Wangji almost cracks a smile at that. When isn't he unwell? The problem now is that A-Yuan is old enough to see it, and Wangji is still too weak to hide it from him any better than he has been this entire time. "You..You slept late today." Wangji turns his head away again to look through the window to his right and sure enough the quality of the light outside is closer to true sunrise than to dawn.

"As I do this day every year."

A-Yuan makes an aborted noise in the back of his throat before nodding, his eyes downcast. Wangji sighs and finally lifts the covers to turn sideways and put his feet on the floor though he doesn't stand up just yet. "Are you ready to leave? Caiyi town road in an hour," he remarks.

"Yes father," he replies as he finally stands and Wangji stands as well, looking A-Yuan up and down. He's already dressed for travel in the same uniform as his fellow students and Wangji can't help but feel quietly proud of him.

He frowns a bit when he looks up and before he can even ask his question A-Yuan is holding his hand out to him and his expression softens.

"Can you put it on for me?" he asks with a charming smile that is all Wei Ying and how could Wangji ever deny him?

"You are old enough to do this unassisted, A-Yuan," Wangji says softly even as he reaches out to take the ribbon and gesture for A-Yuan to take a seat on the edge of the bed. His son knows that he would never deny him this, after all.

"I know. But this is my first time out of Cloud Recesses or Caiyi Town. I'll have to put it on myself the entire time we're gone, I can want you to do it one more time before I have to leave, right?"

"Mn."

Wangji stays quiet as he carefully positions the ribbon where it's supposed to be, checking to make sure it's perfectly centered in every way before he carefully winds the ends into A-Yuan's hairstyle and secures it into place with a knot. When he's finished he takes a moment to make sure A-Yuan's hairstyle is secure, his hairpiece in place and everything where it should be. It's perfect, of course, but he can't help but to check. A-Yuan is patient and lets him check him over without comment, and when he finally stands again it's with a knowing look in his eye.

"I'll be back in a month, father," he reminds him quietly and Wangji nods. "You did this when you were my age, too. You don't have to worry about me." At that, at the reminder of how much he faced at a young age, he can't even muster up the energy to nod. He absolutely has to worry about A-Yuan, who has courted misfortune everywhere he's gone except for in Cloud Recesses. It's no surprise that A-Yuan can read his silence as the worried disagreement that it is. "Father. You taught me personally for my whole life before I took Uncle's classes with everyone else. I'll be safe, and I won't take unnecessary risks. And Lan Jingyi's father is going to stay close in case something goes wrong and we need help."

"Flares?"

"I have five, and we know how to get more on the road." Wangji sighs and closes his eyes for a moment before nodding and A-Yuan is smiling widely at him when he opens his eyes again.

"Go," Wangji says quietly, and A-Yuan's visible excitement dims ever so slightly.

"I...Father. Do you remember when I promised you I'd never leave?" he asks when Wangji levels him with a questioning stare and Wangji aches a little in his chest to hear it.

"You were young."

"I'm going to come back. This doesn't count as leaving because I'm coming back when we're done."

"Mn."

A-Yuan finally steps away after that to finish preparing the simple breakfast he'd started over on the other side of the house and Wangji gets changed out of his sleeping clothes in silence, mind and heart heavy. He's trying his hardest not to see this as a bad sign, A-Yuan leaving on his first nighthunt on the 13th anniversary of Wei Ying's death at Nightless City. But his heart is determined to be unreasonable today, it seems.

He dresses without much thought for his clothes, only pausing when he's got his own ribbon in his hands. He looks down at it for a few long moments, remembers the time in the mountains when Wei Ying had teasingly asked him for it to use as a blindfold. He smiles slightly at the memory, able to look back now and understand that Wei Ying had been trying to make a statement more than he'd been wanting to actually cover his eyes. He belonged to Wangji, see, everybody?

Wangji sighs softly and closes his eyes as he ties the ribbon into place and - certainly not for the first or last time - he wishes it could be Wei Ying's hands placing it for him.

When he's dressed he steps around the privacy screen to follow the smell of food to the table where A-Yuan is already sitting and waiting for him before beginning to eat. They eat in silence these days now that A-Yuan is more than old enough to understand and follow the sect rules, but it's a companionable and peaceful silence rather than a forced one - the silence of two men choosing to follow rules and find peace in them rather than submitting themselves to blind, unthinking obedience.

"Do not," Wangji says quietly when they're done and A-Yuan begins to clear the table. "I will do it, go get your things."

A-Yuan looks like he wants to protest but he seems to think better of it and simply nods instead, unfolding himself gracefully from the floor to head into his room and fetch his pack. Wangji had been so tempted the night before to search through it and make sure that A-Yuan was taking everything he might need, but he had restrained himself. He trusts A-Yuan to be smart and cautious, and he knows for a fact that he'd been well taught. He would be fine, one way or another.

Wangji clears the table quickly and sets the dishes in a basket to take outside and wash later, A-Yuan returning just as he's placed the last plate on top and shut the basket to place next to the door that leads down to the stream running under the right half of the porch.

"Are you coming to see us off?"

"Mn. You have everything?"

"Yes. I'm ready." Wangji looks up at him then and he takes a moment to just study him and commit the sight to memory.

"Let's go," he says when he's finished and he lets A-Yuan lead the way out of the house to begin heading for the rest of the complex.

As they near the gate down the mountain Wangji can hear the quiet but excited chatter of the group of disciples going out on the hunt, and at the last corner they come into view gathered haphazardly around the entrance to Cloud Recesses just outside the wards at the gate. At the sight of him, they all immediately settle into their proper places in their lines, A-Yuan taking the last few stairs quickly and darting over to his place at the head of one of the lines. As he takes the last step and faces them directly, all of the disciples salute him, A-Yuan included.

"Remember your lessons," he says simply, glancing at all of them and fighting down the dread rising in the pit of his stomach. They're so young. "Do not take unnecessary risks. Be respectful." He looks at each of them again in turn and then says, perhaps a hint more softly, "Take care of each other."

"Yes, Hanguang Jun," they reply in unison and he nods once in acknowledgement. He gives A-Yuan one last look before they all turn and begin heading down the mountain. Wangji watches until every trace of them has disappeared into the forest and only then does he turn to head back up the hill, worry settling into a spot in his chest where he suspects it will stay for the next four weeks.

#wangxian #the untamed fic #a bit of grieving dad!wangji for your soft angsty needs #Wei Wuxian #Lan Wangji #Lan Sizhui

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theuntamedproject · 4 years

Text

"If the face says nothing, listen to the heartbeat" - Lan WangJi, Mo Dao Zu Shi (Weeks 3+4)

https://zhtheuntamedprojec.wixsite.com/theuntamedproject

... those who have read the novel know the real context of this line in the scene BUT taken out of context and used in a completely different (*cough* our) scenario..."If the face says nothing," translates to "Even if we seem calm on the outside,""listen to the heartbeat." translates to "we're so stressed to the point of ventricular fibrillation." (dunno if that's even a likely story but the overly exaggerated point still stands: we just handed our uni applications in and we're dreading admission tests and awaiting interviews...)

Quick overview

So aside from school work and university prep, TUP has taken up whatever spare moment either one of us has. However since Zara's Physics coursework began (good luck Zara!!) and both of us prepping for our respective admissions tests, we've decided instead of marching onwards with research on architecture and other food science related stuff, to settle on more relaxed Google seshes on MDZS (and totally not using this as an excuse to read the source text again) and beginning to design the buildings on CAD and paper.

So I'm going to introduce to you the barebones framework of what we plan to include in the design: characters, buildings and effects~ apologies in advance for not including the accents/tones in names (I cba tbh ;-; )

Characters

Because all these little dudes are just going to be cut out gingerbread men, we could include as many characters as possible (we did say we're making a universe are we not?). Those in italics are "maybe" characters depending on the dough remaining (or whether we like them to be part of the universe or not...) or how much gingerbread we're willing to eat ourselves (though huge shout out to everyone thats offered to eat our spare and broken gingerbread during materials testing - which I will get to a bit later :3)

Gusu Lan (the pretty sect)

Lan XiChen / Lan Huan (Sect Leader - simped so hard for his sworn brothers that both of them ended up dead)

Lan WangJi / Lan Zhan (repressed gay but we love him still)

Lan Yuan / Lan Sizhui (he's part of the Lan sect now goddamnit)

Lan JingYi (the most unLan Lan yet has the highest chance of being the next sect leader lmaoo)

Lan QiRen

Lan Yi / Lan An

QingHeng-Jun (Twin Jades' father)

Madam Lan (Twin Jades' mother)

Yunmeng Jiang (arguably the only "normal" sect here...)

Jiang Cheng / Jiang Wanyin (Sect Leader also an "angry grape" as put by Zara)

Jiang YanLi (OUR QUEEN)

Jiang FengMian (loved Wei Ying more than Jiang Cheng lol jk xd)

Yu ZiYuan (BAMF)

Wei Ying not included here since technically he defected from the Sect (; - ;)

Qinghe Nie (fans and sabers my bros)

Nie HuaiSang (Sect Leader - yeah, I can't believe it either)

Nie MingJue (noooooooooo)

Honestly, I swear this clan is either "big muscles or big brain?". If you have neither, you can't be part of their clique. I mean sect.

Lanling Jin (rich rich rich rich rich)

Jin Ling / Jin RuLan (Sect Leader - totally not named after Wei Ying's crush/ husband's family)

Jin GuangYao / Meng Yao (*smiles*)

Jin ZiXuan (peacock but JYL's husband nonetheless)

Jin GuangShan (gross)

Jin ZiXun (double gross)

Mo XuanYu (literally did not sign up to any of this. He just wanted to end his suffering at Mo Manor)

We decided against including everyone from Mo Manor since they literally died within the first few chapters of the novel / first episode of the drama so were kinda irrelevant. Also, we don't care about them like we care for the Lan Sect members either.

Off topic side rant, Zara has been on my case whenever I bring up Jin GuangYao. I have to say, he's way more lovable in the drama than in the novel (didn't really leave much of an impression on me in the novel, NHS did a better job at that). I'm here to briefly explain why this boy is misunderstood and deserved more than what he got (and also why you should love him because he deserves love).JGY is a poor soul who's goal in life was to please others because no one was ever satisfied with him. His mother wasn't satisfied. His father wasn't satisfied. Hell, even his sworn brother NMJ wasn't satisfied with him eventually. BUT GUESS WHAT Xichen the angel is the only person that showed any love or thanks to JGY that's why he didn't kill him in the end - he wouldn't kill people that actually cared about him. IF ONLY EVERYONE ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION TO HOW CLEVER AND CUNNING THIS MAN WAS, THERE MAY NOT EVEN BE WENS THREATENING THE WORLD. end of brief rant.

Qishan Wen (too hot, hot damn)

Wen RuoHan (Sect Leader - could have taken over the world if his children weren't incompetent)

Wen Qing (half the reason why included this sect)

Wen Ning / Wen QiongLin (the other half of the reason)

Wen Yuan (WE NEED THIS BABIE ALONGSIDE SIZHUI OK)

Wen Chao (questionable)

Wen ZhuLiu (also questionable but less annoying than Wen Chao)

Rogue cultivators (including people we didn't really know where to put)

Wei WuXian / Wei Ying (Can work out how to cultivate resentful energy, fight against the biggest cultivation clans in the world and gain a formidable reputation as the Yiling Patriarch yet can't figure out that Lan Zhan has a crush on him. Makes it look like cultivating resentful energy is easy as pie.)

CangSe SanRen (Wei Ying's mother)

Wei ChangZe (Wei Ying's father)

Xiao XingChen (honestly, the nicest guy ever. Could rival Xichen in terms of kindness. But then again... where did that kindness lead either of them? Moral of story: screw kindness)

Song Lan (Wen Ning's dead buddy~)

Xue Yang (he was cool in the novel, a bit questionable in the drama ngl)

A-Qing (didn't report her situation to the police...)

Baoshan Sanren (without knowledge of her existence, Jiang Cheng may have given up on life after he lost his golden core)

Ouyang ZiZhen (I didn't know who he was at all from the novel (ie he left no impression) but since he's technically part of the juniors, we have to include him)

Wang Ling Jiao / Jiao Jiao (just so Wen Chao has a friend perhaps... I don't know if we're that kind)

Su She (ew. just. He's not our favourite. The whole thing could have gone smoother if he didn't exist)

Luo Qingyang / Mian Mian (that one girl that made Wei Ying think Lan Zhan was straight)

Whew! That's all the character's we've considered! We have yet to come up with individual designs for the clothes and what not but at least we know there are going to be straight up cutting them out using the gingerbread man cutters.

Also! let's not forget:

Li'l Apple (didn't sign up for any of this either)

Fairy (gift from JGY to JL, also good doggo)

All the bunnies in Gusu (yes.)

All the fans and sabers in Qinghe (it's part of their aesthetic)

Locations and Buildings

This section's going to be MUCH shorter than the previous one haha since we've basically come up with 5 main buildings and in 7 locations. We're planning these buildings to be architectural masterpieces (okay, that's a slight exaggeration but that's the point). These buildings will take SIGNIFICANTLY more time than the gingerbread characters and is the reason we've put so much effort into researching what would make the most stable type of building. This is because we've planned to mirror the buildings as close as possible to the drama. We haven't yet drawn 2D sketches as I've left that job mostly to Zara (sorry!) so it's sort of hard to describe in words but by next post, we hope to have these down~ (though please see the mood boards from Zara's post previously)~

Gusu Lan - Cloud Recesses

The Wall of Discipline

The Courtyard

The Orchid Room (the main classroom/hall)

Yunmeng Jiang - Lotus Pier

The Main Pier

Lotus Pod Lake

Qinghe Nie - The Unclean Realm

The Main Courtyard and stairs

Lanling Jin - Koi Tower

Koi Tower

Qishan Wen - Nightless City

Main building and stairs

Yiling - Burial Grounds

The Mountains (and farms/Wen settlements)

Demon-Slaughtering Cave

And of course, Yi City.

We don't know if we want to include any more places but we'll let you know if there are any changes to this list. Plus the effects of LEDs and other arts and craft jazz besides gingerbread, we plan to make sure each Sect get's their own spotlight~

Please enjoy our baby Cloud Recesses, they're going to grow up and be a fine specimen of society worthy of the Lan name :D

The plan going forward

Although unfortunately, things haven't gone totally to plan due to fairly busy circumstances, we still have some major events along the way before starting to build the whole thing (which would probably be around mid-to-end of December) which have indeed started preparing for. Including:

Material testing gingerbread and icing (ie finally, bringing our research to the real world) - a lot of gingerbread will be made, so thank you to the willing volunteers who wanted to eat our failed experiments!

Finding / creating a suitable recipe for the gingerbread people

2D and 3D sketches of the buildings

Designing costumes for the gingerbread people

Another thing that we kinda want to do is to make this project benefit the wider community (we wanted to set up a GoFundMe at some point and raise some money for charity~). But we don't know how to do that as of yet T-T . Any ideas, feel free to contact us and let us know! We want to help others through this project (if at all possible haha)!

#mdzs #update #characters #gingerbread #gusulan #yunmengjiang #qinghenie #lanlingjin #qishanwen #weiying #lanzhan

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