#but it feels so invalid and stupid and just an endless loop

[ilkkawhat]

not that i have the opportunity to even do it right now of course since i’m at work, but just like alan has graffiti in the dark place screaming “don’t write” i think i need something plastered around with “don’t drink”

[d0cthunder]

There is this thing my mom does that I just can’t seem to figure out.When a crucial moment from my childhood comes up in conversation, she pretends that she gave me good advice, that she said all the things a patient and wise person would say.

In reality, she did not.She was worse at verbally expressing herself than she is now.She was also not a patient person...At.All.I hate arguing. I hate how fighting makes me feel.Even though I know the memories in my mind are real.She makes me feel like I am crazy. She completely dismisses and invalidates legitimate memories of all the times she failed me and my sister.

I never tell her that she’s failed me.I never through these memories in her face.

I do however become confused when she tells me that soandso’s kid is going through this that and the other, and she tells me she would give the kid this sage advice, then concludes with, “like i always told you and your sister” or “like i told you when this happened to you”.

Then it becomes, “That is not what you told me and it’s sure not what you told Marie.”

It turns into this real mature debate of, “nuh-uh!”, “Uh-huh!”.

Next we move on to pointing fingers for other old shit that we already know we can not discuss with out becoming furious with one another.

There is no satisfyingly crunchy conclusion to these fights.Only resentment,nasty rage and this blue fire feeling of aloneness. So hurt. So alone. Nothing nothing nothing. Endless loop of reliving the stupid fight, wondering where I mis stepped, what did I explain incorrectly? Where did i lose her? Where did she lose me? I hate this feeling more than anything(except being manic)