#but it feels very purity-wank coded

[not-poignant]

Are Sebastian and Alex going to learn about bdsm and safe practices/negotiation? Or do they keep fumbling around and doing what they're doing?

Hi anon,

People who learn about BDSM don't necessarily practice safe practices or negotiation.

And there are elements of negotiation in this story! It's not a black and white 'they're not doing this in a paint-by-numbers sort of way and therefore it doesn't count' situation, y'know?

They are two characters in their mid-20s who live in a tiny town, one of those characters is dyslexic to the point that he can barely read, and the other's method of doing things has worked for him all his life (or so he thinks), they don't have any reason/s to learn about BDSM, and it's not likely that either of them ever will.

That also doesn't mean that they can't enjoy their kinky sex life.

There has been a lot of discussion already, and there will be more and more going forwards. It might not be at the level most people want, but Sebastian has certainly obtained consent (more than once), offered and then insisted on debriefs and post-sex discussion, explained to Alex how to communicate if he hates something, and made it clear that what he likes is unusual and sadistic in nature. It's also clear that Alex likes being pushed, i.e. - not being forced to give consent in every circumstance when someone can take control and give him what he wants anyway. That's actually pretty common in some people with a child abuse background who become people pleasers.

If you want negotiation + safe practices at a certain level, you'd have to completely remake Alex's character into someone who can magically be a functional, communicative, healthy human being, and he's not that. Alex is getting better at communicating (that's how we go this far in the story in the first place), but if you expect this story to end on Alex being a perfect human who can do Instagram-level kink negotiation, then no, this isn't the story you want, anon.

If you look deeper and don't expect cookie cutter kinds of dialogue, there has been ongoing negotiation in the story since the early chapters. When Alex makes it clear through physical response and then verbal that he doesn't like yelling, Sebastian stops yelling. When Sebastian makes it clear that he has complicated feelings about hiring his ex-school bully as a cleaner, Alex makes it clear that he doesn't share those complicated feelings, especially in light of the pay rate. Sebastian consenting to Alex being his cleaner makes it clear that those terms are acceptable to him.

When Alex tries to undervalue himself, Sebastian makes it clear that he's not comfortable paying someone less simply because they value themselves less. When Alex then takes that pay, it's a form of consent to Sebastian's attitudes. Their relationship has been an ongoing negotiation since the beginning, and that's how they've grown closer. If you're used to only looking for very obvious signs of negotiation, it might be easy to miss the non-verbal and subtle forms of negotiation that are happening.

For example, it might not seem like it, but Sebastian - many chapters ago now - talking about how he likes control in the bedroom and that turning Alex on long before they'd ever shared anything sexual together, is a form of communication. Alex learns he likes the idea of it without it ever been forced on him, and Sebastian wouldn't have that conversation with someone he didn't trust (for example, Alex in the beginning of the story). They had to have trust to have that conversation, Alex had to have trust to ask Sebastian questions about it in the oblique way he did, and they had to share a common comfortability have a conversation in that direction in the first place.

In A Stain that Won't Dissolve, these things don't look like a psychologist's version of: 'Okay, what do you want, and this is what I want, and here's where we meet in the middle' - a lot of life doesn't look like this (but if you want that, I've written that in Falling Falling Stars - it still has dubious consent though, lol). Both Alex and Sebastian have poor communication on their side, and it's a growth story for the two of them.

But no, I have no intention of Sebastian ever learning terms like 'subspace' or 'RACK' or anything like that. A lot of people in the world, especially prior to easy access to the internet, figured this stuff out on their own and many of them made it work even without the rigid or codified structures of the world of BDSM (and some of those people went on to invent the world of BDSM that we take for granted today).

It's the kinks that make you kinky, not the knowledge of an acronym or the world it engenders.

There's also no reason to think that Sebastian has access to a healthy education about BDSM there, it's not like Elliott was practicing much healthy BDSM in my other Stardew fic, The Wind that Cuts the Night, :D Elliott knew all about safe practices, negotiation, and BDSM, and chose to ignore a lot of the safe stuff over messing around more dangerously.

The fumbling around is the point, basically. Growing up is messy, and dubious consent is hot (for some of us), and there are many ways we communicate with the people around us, especially when it's two guys in a town the valourises machismo and stoicism over emotional openness, and one of those guys was beaten by his father over not being macho and strong enough which makes him exceptionally resistant to communicating clearly even about basic subjects and needs.

That's the part I actually really love about this story.

[elcorhamletlive]

blossomsinthemist replied to your post “MCU Rewatch: Iron Man 2”

I will say that I think some of the "Tony is female-coded" meta is sorta . . . my fault? In that I (and some other people) wrote some meta back in the day about how comics Tony has some coding I find interesting re: gender and how it differs from a lot of other major superheroes (especially how obvious the comics make his attempts to project masculinity rather than portraying it as natural for him, and the fact that like all of Howard's disappointment in him is tied up  with manhood).  

I wasn't talking about MCU, though, because I feel like MCU handles it really, really differently, to say the least.  But I do see echoes of the meta posts I made in posts people make now, and I think maybe some of those points are attractive to fans and people want them to apply to MCU Tony as well, you know? (For a lot of complicated reasons from projecting on the character to like, insulating themselves from purity wank criticism by associating him with traits modern fandom likes).  Anyway, I feel like I know where some of that came from, anyway.  The thing is, you're totally right - a lot of MCU movies are really quite sexist, but the Iron Man movies really stand out in that regard. In my personal opinion all three of them have some of the most sexist content in the entire MCU, starting with adaptational decisions and extending through, well, everything, really. And Tony's masculinity and issues with Howard are portrayed very differently.  

Anyway, I definitely agree with you about this film in a lot of ways, and most especially structurally.  It's a total mess with lots of pieces that don't go anywhere or seem to come to fruition and a LOT of wasted time. I read somewhere that Favreau was fighting a lot with Marvel higher ups while the film was being made and that made sense to me because it FEELS like the film was kind of stuck together without a clear idea behind it.  Also I was glad to see your thoughts on the pepperony kiss there, I feel like it's very awkward and it always made me uncomfortable, like somehow kissing him made all of her very real upset feelings and frustration go away (especially how she SAYS right in that scene that she doesn't want to be CEO anymore and then in the next movie she's still CEO . . . that always bothered me a bit, especially in the context of the kissing and all that). 

(I also agree that the movie's framing of Howard is extremely bizarre, both from like, a character standpoint and from a structural/narrative/writing standpoint.  I understand that they clearly INTENDED to have some kind of theme about legacy and father's because the whole mirror with Vanko is set up but like . . . where did that go? What WAS the intended theme? I don't know; to this day I don't know haha.)

I don’t think you should blame yourself for this trend. Even if your meta was used as a base, MCU Tony and 616 Tony are clearly different characters, and fandom should be more aware of those differences.

But I think you hit the nail on the head with “insulating themselves from purity wank criticism by associating him with traits modern fandom likes”. I feel like since a lot of the criticism/hatred Tony gets on tumblr tends to harp on his privilleges, his standom kind of pushes back by making his character seem more progressive, as a concept, than it actually is. And I empathize with the stans’ side here, I really do, because I hate purity wank with a passion and I would pay actual money for people to stop evaluating each other’s social activism by their taste in fictional characters, but I just can’t agree with the argument. In the end, both sides end up distorting the character in different ways.

And yeah, if I were to rank, I feel like the Iron Man movies are the worst franchise when it comes to female characters, by a mile. And I get that some of it is just because they were done pretty early, before issues of representation really started getting to the mainstream, but looking back on it, a lot of elements haven’t aged well.

Wtf to the movie’s strucutre: it makes sense to think he was fighting with the executives, because the movie is just so DOWNRIGHT confusing. I can’t even say the themes didn’t work, because, like you said, I have no idea what the intended theme with the father and legacy stuff even WAS. Most of the first act that’s spend with Tony focuses a lot on how him keeping the secret of the paladium is screwing up his relationships with Rhodey and Pepper, and both of them know something is wrong, and both of them reach a point of rupture because of it, and then... it’s just magically solved? Tony apologizes to Rhodey for putting him in that position, but how is that supposed to work if Rhodey doesn’t know what was going on with him then??

And the Pepp3rony kiss is just... Like, I don’t get it, because it would have been easy to tweak the scene and have Tony give her a legitimate declaration, as he’s clearly been trying to do for the entire movie, give them some cute banter about it, and then have a kiss that would feel slightly more warranted and provide some closure to the issues they were facing. The way it happened, though, just really felt like they needed a kiss to close the movie.

[visionshadows]

hi there, i hope this is ok to ask but i'm just genuinely curious what appeals to you about the sid/taylor pairing. it's not my cup of tea so i haven't read any fics but i've seen the topic brought up multiple times and i'd like to understand its appeal for people who do consume the content. you certainly don't have to answer this if you aren't comfortable! thanks and hope you have a great day :)

Hey so you were polite about it so I have no problem answering your ask. Thank you for that.For me personally it is more of a curiosity thing than a hey, I dig this and want to read it because it turns me on. I think people can write it because they want to and that is their choice. I don't need to know why they're writing it. I consume it out of curiosity and if it is written well, I'll give the fic kudos. I don't go searching out incest fic and tbh the majority of it squicks me out but I think most of the authors who write Sid/Taylor fic are very delicate about it and tend to do it well. It's not something that turns me on nor was it something I wrote to be titillating the one time I tried out writing it. I appreciate well-written fic though so I have no problem attaching my pseudonym to my kudos. I have one fic posted from ages ago that was in Harry Potter that is Fred/George but I contend that is pretty much canon imo. It was written for a friend.As for how I'm the person defending it, I have no idea why I was singled out. An anon decided to come in my asks and try and shame me for reading it and frankly I've been in fandom too long and seen too many things to let that happen. I'll glad stand up for other people who might not be comfortable speaking out. I have broad shoulders and a thick skin.Anti culture upsets me a lot because it is so reflective of what is going on in the world as a whole. The belief that everyone has to have the same ethical and moral code despite vastly different backgrounds and cultures is something that is extremely troubling especially when the people who believe that turn around and force that belief on others through shame, guilt, and eventually violence. Whether we want to accept it or not, fandom is a microcosm of the world and people who want to force purity on fandom are no better then white people calling the police on black people for being black in public or calling immigrants the root of our problems. Fandom is supposed to be fun. I don't understand why people would choose to spend their time in fandom hating so many parts of it. If you don't like something, you skip it. That was always the rule in the past. *shrugs*Maybe I'm naive and I'm looking at the past with rose-colored glasses. I mean, I know it wasn't all great. The Ray Wars almost destroyed a fandom. Shipping wars were brutal. There were always crazy people and events. Fandom wank existed for a reason. I don't even know where I'm going with this tbh. I hope I answered your question and explained why I've read Sid/Taylor and why I'm defending it. If anyone wants to add in their thoughts, feel free. If anyone wants to ask anything else, go ahead. My asks are always open.