#but it felt like.... over several months... the devs kept exposing me to him

[fisheito]

do i actually like yakumo or am i just hungry

[crdenhart]

A Cosmic Awakening: My 2017 Spiritual Journey

[NOTE: I created a playlist of spiritual songs that would be good to listen to while reading this article: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLmlyrFwts2a1v1tfM1ZWwjv2BcTV3x2-s]

Jai Guru Dev!

This year has been an incredible year of spiritual development in my life! In 2017, I experienced a great spiritual awakening like no other I have felt in year! With it being the season of Advent and near to Christmas, the time is perfect to open up a little about myself that many do not know and relate my many spiritual experiences in 2017 that have significantly improved my life and overall well-being for the better.  A Trifecta of wonderful organizations I joined this year have totally changed my life; they are Freemasonry, Transcendental Meditation ™, and the Episcopal Church.

Before 2017, particularly in 2014-2015, I would not go so far as to say I was in a dark place, but I was in serious need of a new direction in my life.  When I graduated college in 2014, I had several successful short films and music videos on my student filmography and expected to continue onto graduate film school or a career at motion picture film studios in Hollywood or another major city and work towards becoming a successful up-and-coming TV/film producer. However, that situation did not happen even though it possibly could have easily gone in that direction had certain professors who made me feel special and important kept their word and gave me at least just an ounce of support post-graduation (Thank you Robby Benson). I also was really torn when both my aunt died and the girl I really liked throughout college shut me out of her life around the same time. It took me a really long time to get over these losses in my life and my career not taking the path it should at that time; spent several tear-filled nights and took several long contemplative jogs to comprehend why I could lose so much after having so many successes in college and everything seemed like it had gone so well.

A few months after graduation, I got a production assistant job at a news TV station in Indianapolis. It is a decent job and within my field and I love my coworkers, but really I could have been and should be more widely known as “Colin Denhart, up-and-coming filmmaker” instead of “Avery and Emily’s older brother who went to Jeff High School but didn’t play sports and works for a TV station.” All I really had were my coworkers, a few close friends, and my family. I would spend my days working at the TV station, watching movies, listening to music, working out, visiting family/friends, working on ideas/scripts for future film projects, going on occasional dates that went mostly nowhere (none of them could compare to the girl I once loved), and trying to figure out how am I going to achieve my career and life goals given my current situation. All of this was fine and dandy for the most part but I felt something was missing and wanted more out of life and wanted to do something more significant and had real purpose. I spent sleepless nights thinking, “Is this really it? Is this all my life is going to be or am I destined for something greater?”

In 2016, I had a dream that was more like a holy vision in which I saw the Universe like a giant color wheel, with each colored pieces representing all the different types of people of this world. The pieces of the wheel were in a constant struggle to stay together with love and happiness being the sources of power for the Universe and fear and hate being what divides and causes harm to the Universe. I also had a divine realization that we all are either shepherds or sheep; the staff is in front of us and it is our duty to take the staff and become good shepherds and achieve greatness in the Universe or we are just mere sheep and destined to become nothing more than packaged meat.  I knew this was a sign I needed to make a positive impact on the Universe and bring myself and others closer to the Supreme Being (God, Allah, Yahweh, Vishnu, Shiva, whatever you wish to call Him) and do good deeds in this world and work towards bringing others to enlightenment.  I needed to be surrounded by the right people if I was to improve my spiritual health.

The first group I joined in 2017 was The Freemasons! I had read about Freemasonry in the past and was familiar with references made to the organization in many TV shows and movies (particularly Eyes Wide Shut and National Treasure). My parents and grandparents were not Freemasons, but I learned that my ancestors had Masonic affiliation. Freemasonry is not a religion but it is a fraternal organization with sacred rituals rooted in the Old Testament of the Bible and traces its origins to the building of King Solomon’s Temple over 4 thousand years ago. Members must be males at least 18 years of age (21 years in some jurisdictions) and cannot be atheist (Women who are married to or related to Freemasons can join an appendant group called the Order of the Eastern Star).  I really like too how all religious denominations and political beliefs are welcome in the Masons so everyone is on equal footing and creates a sense of universality within the group.  I was intrigued by the history, symbolism and secrecy of the organization.  Also the fact that all these famous celebrities and historical figures and movers and shakers of the world were Freemasons made feel not necessarily that joining the Freemasons would make me rich and famous but that it is an important group that has had a tremendous impact on world society and it would be ideal for me to join if I want to make a positive dent in the Universe.

When I arrived at an open house to learn more about Freemasonry and made my first contact with the group in January, I was not sure what to expect. These are the guys that supposedly “control the world” (haha), so I was initially somewhat intimidated and nervous I would not make a good impression.  However, my fears were subsided as I immediately clicked with the wonderful men who welcomed me with open arms and soon became my friends and then, after my initiation in April, my brothers.

The guys in my lodge are among the nicest and finest men I have ever met. We have grown so close over this year, my Freemason brothers all feel like they are my uncles, cousins, or literal brothers. I am blessed and honored to call them my brothers!  I have met some really important people in the Freemasons and made great connections! Some of my brothers have become important people in my life; one brother is now my dentist, another brother composes my recent film projects, and after discovering some of my coworkers are fellow Masons, I feel a deeper connection to them at work.

We have some absolutely terrific times together in the Freemasons. I enjoy all our fine gourmet dinners; always prepared homemade by the Junior Warden, Senior Steward and Junior Steward of the Lodge. We have exciting times in all our social activities, including a weekend camp retreat, a visit to the first Grand Lodge of Indiana in Madison, and presenting the US flag at a Colts game.  Most important of all is our charity work.  In April, we delivered flowers to widows of deceased Freemasons and helped do some yard work. In the same month, we cooked meals for the parents of patients at Riley’s Hospital for Children. Just a couple weeks ago, we wrapped presents for needy family.  Working all these and other charitable events throughout the year were great experiences and a wonderful way to help the local community.

The greatest and deepest part of Freemasonry has been the ritualist work.  I’m not allowed to ever reveal to non-Masons what goes on during Lodge or the degree work, but there are parts which are some of the deepest spiritual experiences I have felt. I feel a great connection to the Supreme Being through my brothers and the sacred craft work we do.  Overall, Freemasonry has greatly improved my life on a spiritual and social level. I feel as though I am a part of something greater in this world and will go on to do important things for society in the Freemasons.

Now on to TM! In early May, I needed some way to get rid of all the intense stress in my life caused by the death of my grandfather, my serious car crash, and the intense workload at the TV station, where I am constantly exposed to depressing news stories several times a day. One of my Freemasons brothers mentioned Transcendental Meditation.  I had heard of TM through one of my favorite filmmakers David Lynch and read about how famous celebrities such as The Beatles, Tom Hanks, Oprah, and Jerry Seinfeld practice it but never seriously looked into for my self. I have always been interest in India and Eastern cultures and spirituality, having read the Bhagavad Gita, Upanishads, and Dhammapada in the past and visited a local Hindu temple a few times in 2016 and having been a life-long listener of George Harrison’s Indian-inspired music. I desired to learn meditation as a means to remove all the stress in my life, boost my creativity, and feel better connected to the Universe.

I went to the local TM Center and my instructor taught me how to practice TM on June 10th, 2017. Since then, the practice of TM has become a major part of my everyday life!  I meditate usually 20 minutes every morning and 20 minutes before dinner. I practice yoga asana stretches and pranayama breathing exercises which I also learned through TM. I follow an Ayurvedic diet based on my dosha (individual body type based on pulse, personality, and other factors); I’m pitta-kapha. Just recently, I learned an advanced sleeping technique taught by Vedic experts who came to our TM Center all the way from India.  All of it has significantly reduced stress and greatly improved my physical, spiritual and mental health, increased my work performance, helped me conquer deep-rooted anxieties, and has overall boosted my enjoyment of life and elevated me to a higher state of consciousness.

Meditation really gets my mind working in ways I never knew were possible and is almost like having super powers.  For example, while I meditate I sometimes experience long past thoughts and memories, and other times I can feel like I’m gliding through various thoughts as I move towards the source of thought. During one meditation, I was able to vividly see my elementary school classroom as if I were there. In another instance, I flashed back to summer camp and could clearly hear camp songs in my head. I can read people better and perceive the world and things around me in different ways.  In deepest states of meditation I can see the Supreme Being and feel a great spiritual connection to the Universe whenever I meditate, especially in groups.

The community aspect of TM has been absolutely wonderful!  I always look forward to every TM class to learn more about the techniques and different aspects of meditation and consciousness and other related subjects (Maharishi Mahesh Yogi has been dead for nearly a decade but he still teaches parts of the class since there are thousands of hours of videos of his instructions).  I enjoy getting to see and talk to the same people at the weekly group meditations and monthly (inter)national group meditation events (one fellow meditator has actually become a good friend an joined the Freemasons, so he is now my brother). I also really had an incredible time at our TM retreat in July; being at the camp felt like I was in wonderland and brought feelings of being back in summer camp from my earlier years.

I have taken my interest in meditation outside the TM program and have read several books about meditation and discussed with other spiritual-minded friends various meditation techniques. I have even experimented with combining different aspects of meditation to come up with my own advanced meditation procedures to better increase the flow of cosmic energy and create a state of unity consciousness.  I could be on to something big with continued practice and more refinement.  Overall, TM has had a phenomenal impact on my spiritual life and has brought me significantly closer to the Supreme Being and achieving enlightenment.

Now onto the Episcopal Church! In July, my best friend came to visit for Independence Day. We got to talking about our lives and I mentioned all the great things about TM and The Freemasons, and he recommended, with all this spiritual development I had gone through, I should really join a church.

I was born and raised Catholic.  I went to Catholic school from preschool through 8th grade and was an devout altar boy in high school. In college, I regularly attended church but I kept my religious life more on the down low because in some ways there had become a negative stigma surrounding Christianity for the past several years where the term “Christian” became synonymous with “redneck,” “anti-gay,” “anti-choice,” “anti-women,” “anti-liberal,” “anti-poor,” “anti-fun,” etc. For example, one time a girl walked out on me during a date because she was turned off by my small heirloom crucifix that hangs above my bedroom door and assumed my faith equated to these negative connotation. I blame this negative view of Christianity on conservatives and fundamentalists who highjacked the word “Christian” to advance their narrow-minded views and condemn deemed unworthy over the past several years but especially in the late 2000s/early 2010s. I kind of stopped going to church after graduating college mostly from being burnt out by over 20 years of regular church attendance. I also never really found a church when I first moved to Indianapolis and having worked weekends initially at my job it was difficult for me to find time to attend church.

I still have great respect for the Catholic Church and my Catholic friends but feel my political and religious views have evolved beyond the teachings of the Catholic Church in my years of not attending church. I did my research on other denominations and fell in love with the Episcopal Church! I like how the Episcopal Church is essentially a progressive version of the Catholic Church that takes more liberal stances on social issues and seems to be less self-righteous and more open-minded and accepting to differing spiritual beliefs.  It is rooted in Catholicism (i.e. similar beliefs, same sacraments, priests/bishops/deacons, almost identical mass structure, similar architecture) but with a greater sense on community and adjusts with the times (i.e. women can be priests, priests can be married, gay marriage is allowed within the church).  I also really enjoy the music and the use of a large pipe organ and choir and how there are special ceremonies that are dedicated to singing prayers such as Evensong.

Since joining the Episcopal Church, I have fully immersed myself in the faith! I go to church every Sunday and sometimes other days during the week. I love all the Faith Forum classes the priests teach on Sundays before Eucharist service. Every afternoon after church, I go out to brunch with fellow parishioners and we discuss life and the faith which is a truly great way to help each other grow in faith. In November, I received the Sacrament of Reception which essentially is an extension of Confirmation.  I also am actively involved in the young adults group and have met many fellow believers who are my age who have since become close friends, some even collaborators on film and music projects.  I absolutely love the priests at the church and feel I can make really great personal connections with them and enjoy their company as they help me to grow in faith.

I have not been more excited about the Church or religion as it relates to my spiritual life as I am now since my later elementary school years. In the 4th through 6th grade, I attended St. Boniface Catholic School.  In some ways, that time period might have been among the best ever for me and my family.  In this era, my siblings and I would spend fun times almost every weekend at our grandparents’ house, our first dog Bella was still young, I hung out with my best friends (usually involved playing PS2 and watching movies), I actually played sports (my dad was the football coach), my mom had her knitting company and still worked at the YMCA and my sister Emily and I got to play in the Game Room (my brother Avery was too young to join us which he always envied), went to summer camp every year, all my extended family was happy and healthy and without strife, and I was first getting into film. It was an incredible time!

During this prepubescent era, I became totally engrossed in my religious faith and was totally intrigued with the history, structure and symbolism of the Church, stories of saints, relics, etc. Father Tim and Sister Lenore were two of the greatest educators I had and were the ones who really got me into the faith. The priests I have grown to know and love within the Episcopal Church are the closest I have come to capturing that feeling I had with Fr. Tim and Sr. Lenore at St. Boniface.

I feel as though a part of my spiritual journey this year has been in part trying to get back to these old times as I feel my faith has never been as strong since then until now.  I was on a spiritual path then that got sidetracked and I now realize that my spiritual life has always been what is most important; not my film career, my job, my family/friends, school, girls, etc. Working towards becoming closer to the Supreme Being and spiritual enlightenment will cause everything else to fall rightly into place.

Christianity had not been a major part of my life for a long time, but when one takes a step back for awhile and studies and explores other religions different from those he originally held, he comes back to the Church with an evolved faith that maintains its apostolic roots but expands his religious understandings on a much deeper spiritual level. It is not so much belonging to a specific religion or denomination that is important.  What is important is that one belongs to positive spiritual groups that bring him closer to the Supreme Being and lead him towards enlightenment. Those places can be churches, lodges, meditation centers, temples, synagogs, mosques, ashrams, covens, or any other group. When one finds the Supreme Being within him and develops himself spiritually and knows the direction he should take, everything else in his life comes together and falls nicely into place.

Overall, the Trifecta, as I call my combination of Freemasonry, Episcopal Church and TM, has greatly improved my life if not totally changed it! I find in all the aspects of my spiritual life I fully experience the Holy Trinity: The Father in my devotion to God in the Freemasons, The Son in my devotion to Christ in the Episcopal Church, and The Holy Spirit in my meditative practices through TM. I feel as though I am no longer “Avery and Emily’s older brother who went to Jeff but didn’t play sports and works for a TV station.” I know my purpose in life and have a greater positive connection with my family, close friends, coworkers, and everyone I meet. The line of who I consider family also has blurred significantly!  I used to feel really alone in Indianapolis outside my friends and coworkers, but now I have so many wonderful people in my Lodge, my church, and my TM group who are part of my life. They are more my family than my actual family, which says a lot because I love and am super close with my real immediate family.  I love everyone I have met this year and appreciate the truly wonderful connections I have made!  I feel closer to the Supreme Being and the best I have felt on a spiritual, physical and emotional level in many years.

In 2018, I will continue to my spiritual journey by continuing to grow within my groups. I was recently appointed to the officer position as Marshal at my Lodge for this coming year and look forward to serving in that role and helping to continue to make our Lodge one of the best in Indiana and supporting the local community.  I also intend to learn more of the Advanced Techniques in TM and possibly even visit temples and other spiritual locations.  I additionally plan to sign up next fall for the Education for Ministry (EfM), which is an advanced education program offered by the Episcopal Church.  I definitely will incorporate elements of all the Trifecta into my future film work and hope my work will inspire others to expand their spirituality and move towards enlightenment.  In the distant future (ideally 2026 (the next year of the Horse)), I would like to make a pilgrimage to Mount Kailash which is one of the holiest place on Earth and full of spiritual energy.

I look forward to wherever my spiritual journey leads.  2017 will go down as Year One in my adult spiritual life. I realize my spiritual life is more important than anything else, and I now have a clearer path for where to take my life.  Even though I’m not the big-time filmmaker I wanted to be (yet), with the support of my family, friends, and brothers, I will achieve greatness and make the world a better place for all. I have found a sense of fulfillment in my spiritual life and love I have for everyone in my life could not be great.  I am a shepherd and not a sheep!

Thank you all!  So mote it be!

“Can’t believe how strange it is to be anything at all” - Neutral Milk Hotel, “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea”

PS These are some books I read (most in this year, but some in previous years) I highly recommend to anyone seeking an evolved sense of spirituality and religion:

The Bhagavad Gita The Holy Bible (recommend Jerusalem Bible, New Revised Standard Edition, and/or King James translations with apocrypha) The Quran The Upanishads The Dhammapada Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda Raja Yoga by Swami Vivekananda The Holy Science by Sri Yukteswar Songs of the Soul by Paramahansa Yogananda Whispers from Eternity by Paramahansa Yogananda The Law of Success by Paramahansa Yogananda The Science of Being and the Art of Living by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi