#but it sucks being passionate about something that's so undervalued and looked down on and openly mocked

[chalkrub]

Just so you know, tumblr is currently using art for AI training and the only way to stop them is to go into your settings and turn it off 'third party sharing' manually (on each of your blogs)

i've done it already ty! i doubt it'll do anything, but whatever. i've already resigned myself to my art being stolen by ai - it is what it is

maybe i can destroy ai scraping singlehandedly by only posting my drunk ms paint trackpad drawings from now on

train off THIS, assholes

[yugiohnfts]

Wolf Of Wallstreet is the only practical way not to be a Russian/Chinese influence.

I see a lot of paranoia by Americans that everyone is sympathetic towards communist countries like China or to lesser degrees Cuba, Venuzeula, Russia. The only difference between those countries and the US is they don't go out of their way to act retarded. This is perfectly exemplified in Wolf of Wallstreet, where Jordan Belfort is the epitome of why American liberalism won the cold war.

What laws were even broken? Last I checked it was ok to buy stocks, even shit ones you know are gonna fail, someone has too invest right? Is the government gonna carry on it's back every small business that's bound to fail? Oh wait, that'd be socialism. And it would still be more effective than sucking down JPMorgan cum, or maybe big tech cum like Google and Meta. But again, America is stupid. They say words like freedom and democracy like it means jack shit. This man was providing real opportunities, to real people, in real time, and no-one even had to register to vote for him. Don't talk to me about democracy.

He took care of his homies, his family, while still being depraved and having an unquenchable thirst. It proves he had passion, drive, ambitions. That's a leader. Instead we got a fat Cheetohman, who couldn't even run hotels or golf courses properly, whom compulsively lied, turned his back on his own voters that he egged on to attack the capital, and now the bloated goblin is running again. Yes, in comparison the senile neocon looks like a Godsend, but when people say "we need a business man" THIS is a businessman, not a grifter. Mark Bloomberg was a businessman, and I've never seen someone so hated for just standing there. Oh wait, yeah I have...me on reddit.

Rug-pulling people on an investment isn't a crime. If it were, Fox Business would be considered literal dark web Isis videos. I know some idiot is gonna be like "huurduur, it should be!" But it isn't. It never will be. So to act like this great man did anything wrong is downright disgusting. Wolf of Wallstreet is the most libertarian, patriotic movie out there. Fuck John Wayne, or some world war 2 bullcrap, THIS is what being an American is about. I know, because I came from nothing. I came from a household where my piece of shit mother would get violent because I drank one of her mountain dews without asking permission. A 50 cent can of mountain dew was more valuable to her than her own son who has done everything in his power to earn her respect and love. Never again. I will NEVER undervalue my worth again. If Jordan Belfort asked me to sell him that pen, I'd tell him it's my pen now. The opportunity presented itself, and even if he doesnt want me on his team, I'm gonna go home with a fancy pen, write some bitchin' D&D notes with it, lie to my friends and say this pen went up the pussy of some hot intern I had sex with, imma make a whole God damn story around that pen to escalate my life and my worth because damn it, I deserve something. THAT'S you raise yourself up. THAT'S how you defend your civil liberties.

[careeralley]

10 Signs You Need a Career Change

Do you love your job? Or, is it sucking out your soul? If you are unhappy at work, you are not the only one. According to an article on businessinsider.com, the "Great Resignation" shows no signs of slowing down. A recent study by MIT reveals that more than 40% of workers were thinking about leaving their jobs, mostly due to toxic corporate culture.  For most, this will mean changing their employer and for others, it is likely to mean a complete career change. Many may need to learn new skills by taking home learning courses.  It can, however, be easier to stick with what you know, with the old adage of ‘the grass is not always greener on the other side’ ringing in your ears. It may be that the time has come to swap the drudgery of the commute to a job you dread, to commuting to one that you love (and look forward to!). But how can you tell? Here are 10 signs you need a career change… #1 Sunday night dread This doesn’t just affect just Sunday night but can impact any evening before you are due to go to work in the morning. If you work a Monday to Friday job and slump on a Sunday evening on the sofa, dreading what Monday will bring, it may be time to look at making a change. More importantly, if you lose sleep because of your job, the time has REALLY come for a change. If you are unhappy at work, you are not the only one. According to an article on businessinsider.com, the 'Great Resignation' shows no signs of slowing down.Click To Tweet #2 Your future – full of promotions or murky, dim, and full of menacing shadows Is it a job or a career? There is a fine line between the two. Some people seem happy to turn up. Do their thing and go home, confident that at the end of the month they can pay the bills. If, however, you want something more – like a promotion or a career ladder to make your way up – and your current job is not offering these chances, maybe this is enough to convince you to look elsewhere. Switchers: How Smart Professionals Change Careers -- and Seize Success $24.95 $18.69 Buy from Amazon We earn a commission if you click this link and make a purchase at no additional cost to you. 11/20/2022 12:08 am GMT #3 The passion is gone Work is a relationship. When the passion is gone and the va-va-voom non-existent, then the soul-sucking starts. The feeling of being stuck, being used, and of no real future in it makes you feel degraded and unchallenged. The time has come to change… and we are only up to reason number 3! #4 Feeling undervalued When you feel undervalued the outcome is obvious is all to see – de-motivation. It is the key cause of someone feeling rubbish about what they do, feeling they achieve little and that frankly, if they didn’t turn up tomorrow, it really wouldn’t matter. #5 Trapped This can be a physical sense as well as a psychological one, and being stunted by not being able or allowed to grow in your role. It may be that you are doing a disservice to yourself by sticking with something that is essentially, unfulfilling. Isn’t it time you tap into your true worth? #6 Just soul-sucking Some workplace cultures are created when management is not transparent, with one false promise after another. The truth is, some workplaces are just not healthy work environments and the negative impact of this on you and your emotional well-being is not to be underestimated. Unless you are seriously in love with your workplace, it is time to hot-foot it out of there. #7 Dragging-clock syndrome We all know the agony of watching the clock tick slowly by. Every passing minute seems to last for hours and hours. Constant boredom kills passion, motivation, and any sense of self-respect that you started your job with. If your eight-hour shift is passing so very s-l-o-w-l-y the time has come… #8 The pay is rubbish In some cases, low pay is part and parcel of economic conditions but some people find that when they compare their rate of pay with that of others in the same or similar role with another employer, they find that their rate of pay is incredibly low. #9 The green-eyed monster When you hear the joys expressed by friends or family as they talk about work, do you mask your envy with a wide grin? If so… you know the drill. #10 You no longer recognize yourself When work is a source of an identity crisis, there should be no other reason that you need to start looking for a new job. But rather than heading for the same old job, doing the same old thing, why not consider re-training with a home learning course? WORK FROM HOME: The Ultimate Guide to Jobs That Can Be Done From Anywhere $4.99 Forget the old concept that you must work now and live later. Escape the endless cycle that takes you from work to home then work again. Relieve financial tension without working a second job. Buy on Amazon.com We earn a commission if you click this link and make a purchase at no additional cost to you. 07/24/2022 01:03 pm GMT Read the full article

[ailuronymy]

Book Club: Tallstar’s Revenge, chpt. 10-18 overview.

Human voices as heard by cats, courtesy of two experts in the field of ailurolinguistics:

"ghghtaa'ppgthannneetltssssa!” - S. 

“Nnghavva'thalpssasann!” - K.

This week we’re discussing this chapter through these nine questions. Please feel welcome to do the same and @ailuronymy + use the tag #ailuronymy writing challenge. Happy reading and I’m looking forward to seeing your feelings about this book.

1. First impressions? 

K. Everyone has many important discussions, that actually hold zero weight at all. Many things happen for absolutely no reason. I'm in pain.

S. REAL.

2. How did you feel reading this section?

S. Emotionally conflicted. There's always some frustration, but there were also moments of genuine joy, which was a very welcome surprise.

K. But for real: pleased to see some genuine growth and goodness from my favourite characters, but so upset at the bad directions taken.

3. What chapter did you find most interesting/moving/effective, and why?

S. I keep forgetting to mark things out by chapter in my notes, but I feel like the time Tallpaw spends with Reena really brought me the most pleasure to read.

K. I think I got the most out of the first half of Chapter Twelve, the Gathering. I loved the back-to-back of Heatherstar making good choices, the new warrior trio jumping around and being sweet, and Dawnstripe Finally Giving Us Some Good Fucking Advice. K. Honorary shout-out to Tallpaw finally telling his dad off in Chapter Eleven though.

S. YES. 

4. What chapter did you find least interesting/effective/most frustrating, and why?

S. Most frustrating is absolutely the aftermath of both Brackenwing's death and later Sandgorse's. I was not coping with how stupid and unreasonable everyone was being, but in a way that felt entirely manufactured, and not actual grief.

K. Chapter Eighteen pissed me off to see Tallpaw be taken in such a tangent. Like, everyone else I can kind of ignore because I wasn't expecting Windclan to be very good about any of it since Erin's doing her bullshit.  K. But Tallpaw.... I was hoping Tallpaw would be better.

5. Is there a passage that stuck in your mind–for good, or not-so-good reasons? What is it, and why did it stand out? Try breaking it down and analysing what this passage does and how.

S. I really loved Dawnstripe's conversation with Tallpaw. That stood out to me as basically unique in Erin Hunter's writing so far, especially in this book.

K. “Tallpaw stiffened. Did Sandgorse think he’d change his mind about becoming a moor runner now that he’d been underground?” K. I loved seeing him just finally Snap. K. Not to mention the very real young gay feeling of having that dread in your stomach, of going "Oh no, am I going to have to keep this up?"

6. Have your feelings changed towards any character in this next section? What caused this change?

K. Sandgorse lost all rights! K. Can't believe I almost liked him for a second, the hope for an okay dad got me there.

S. It’s okay. I was too jaded to be taken in, but your optimism isn't a weakness. S. I hate their relationship and I Love that Sandgorse died but God I Hate Tallpaw's reaction to that so much. It's so jarring and feels way off from reality.

K. Also: I would die for Doespring/Stagleap/Ryestalk, I adore them so much. Same with Reena, she can stay.

S. For me, the biggest change is that I'm losing a lot of affection and attachment to Tallpaw the longer he keeps up this Sandgorse whinge. Like, I was ecstatic when Sandgorse died, but now that Tallpaw's only personality trait is being miserable about Sandgorse, it's really like he never left and I hate that passionately. 

7. How do you feel about pacing in the book so far? Is the story moving too fast, too slow, just right? Why do you feel this way?

S. Way too slow.

K. The pacing is dry and slow and sad. So much of what's happened so far could be condensed and written so much better.

S. You could cut out a solid half of what's written and it'd be a better story. It's all fat right now, where it could be lean and tasty, medium-rare spiced narrative.

8. How do you feel about the visitors in this section? Is it a new element you really like, or does it feel out of place? Share your thoughts on this new development!

K.  From the notes: Okay, I don’t like what’s happening with the visitors and I don’t think they should even be here, but I do think that they seem like fun little people. Like for all intents and purposes the visitors should not exist, but boy am I always glad to see characters I don't hate!

S. Oh, that's so interesting! I actually feel quite positively to the idea of Windclan's regular visitors, and it's definitely something in my canon. I don't like any of how canon's handling it (surprise, surprise) but I like that this idea has been broached, and it feels entirely right to me that Windclan is the one to do it.

K. I don't disagree with you there, I think for me it's just frustrating seeing how the Erins are introducing and handling it that's bugged me. Like, Windclan is on the outskirts of everything and it makes total sense that they'd be much more likely to run into like... farmcats and the like more than other clans. That doesn't bug me. It's just like... literally everything about how they've been set up and how secretive things are and blah blah blah that makes me lose it a little. 

S. Totally. I’m with you. 

9. If you could change one significant moment in this section–a piece of dialogue, an event, a bit of world-building–what would you want to change, and what do you think would be the ramifications of that for the rest of the story?

K. THE CLAN NEEDS TO STEP UP FOR TALLPAW, END OF STORY K. But yeah no, there's lots of shit that needs fixing but DAMN if the clan doesn't need to stand up for Tallpaw and defend and support him. Boy takes SO much blame and he deserves none of it.

S. I honestly wonder how much difference there would be if Palebird had more support/Brackenwing half-adopted Tallpaw (you know, the way queens are said to co-raise kittens but never do). Because this boy is so unloved and his self-esteem comes from feeling totally unwanted and undervalued, so he clamours for Sandgorse's approval because he doesn't get it from Palebird, but Sandgorse rejects him and makes it worse, so Tallpaw is stuck really craving validation and not really having any outlet to develop his sense of self or confidence in his own value and abilities. Obviously Dawnstripe is doing her best, but that's not a substitute for parental neglect and abuse.

K. Dawnstripe: Look at him! You fucked him up, is what you did. He has anxiety!

Final notes:

S. I knew Sandgorse was going to die because it was mentioned in some of the pages I looked at for the story I'm writing. And I thought he was going to be murdered by Sparrow, because that's how all the wikis talked about it.  S. So when he died of his own idiot hubris, I was like, "wait what" and kept waiting for it to be revealed that Sparrow killed him in the tunnel and then made it collapse to cover that up. S. So I thought it was going to be a story of Tallpaw Solves A Murder No-one Will Believe Was Committed. And that... didn't happen. He just got shitty and hateful. K. Tbh that would make more sense and also be leagues cooler than. Any of this S. Yeah! I thought it would be kind of dope and then Talltail would confront Sparrow and be like, "you're not worth it," and be the bigger man or whatever, that whole thing, learn the meaning of friendship or whatever, and go home.   S. Instead! Sparrow didn't do it, so now Tallpaw's just a wreck out of control lashing out at everyone and decides to hunt down someone to kill them for not dying and/or saving his outrageously shitty dad. S. To me, a much more likely story is Tallpaw experiencing guilt because he's relieved that Sandgorse's gone and he's like, 'oh my god I'm a bad person I shouldn't want my dad to be gone.' Like that's a trauma narrative that people who've, you know, experienced significant abuse can actually relate to. K. Not to mention that like. Before Sandgorse dies, his one action is to blame his son for being awful at everything and to pretty much disown him.  K. But YEAH, lets feel Sad for That Guy

K. [Shrewpaw] was bad before and frankly I am beyond tired with him now. S. He has no real narrative purpose, is what peeves me. I know that's a bit highbrow for an Erin Hunter story, but like. You should be thinking about function in a story, especially one for children, because in children's lit., you don't really have the space for excess. You should keep the story trim and clean. S. Giving Erin Hunter more pages, like they do in these super editions, enables their worst habits, which is the fact I don't think they consider function like ever. So you have all this... flabby, pointless dialogue that doesn't move anything forward or reveal any new characterisation.

K. Oh, some other choice notes from the Gathering: K. Stagleap: Hey bro, come see this hot Riverclan babe with me.  Tallpaw, gay: Uhh I’m very interested in the announcements, actually, K. Dawnstripe accidentally playing wingman for her apprentice is coincidentally very funny. “Tallpaw didn’t like the way the young tom was eyeing him—like a hunter assessing prey.” Hmmmmm Okay Buddy, S. I was genuinely so charmed by Stagleap's crush on Shimmerpelt. That felt real and true and I loved it. The rest of the gathering let me down a lot, but like. Erin Hunter gatherings always do. They don't know how to let a scene breathe. K. Stagleap, Ryestalk, and Doespring are so charming. I love when they come onscreen. They inject a lot of cute moments into a very dour book. K. Gatherings are my favourite in concept so I always get SO excited to read them. But they almost always suck.  S. It's wild to me that Erin Hunter is never like, "maybe fun is fun." I do resent it. S. I love the organised chaos of a gathering, and how different it is to literally every other part of warrior life. It's something that I actively have to resist putting in stories, because I always want to do it even when it adds nothing to what I'm telling. It's just so fun to write and to read. S. Literally one of my notes is just "Ahh!!! A Gathering! Finally!" K. Me too!! Mine was "GATHERING TIME, GATHERING TIME, my favourite part of any book!" S. [dabbing frantically because cats are going to hang out under a full moon] K. Like if you were going to let a scene have its moment and play it out, it would be the Gathering. Like I'd love for the announcements to happen and then they all just mingle and enjoy themselves until the moon clouds over. Instead of Announcements, Moon Over, Scene Done, Go Home.  S. Gathering speedrun: if you clip through the deputy, you can skip the personal connection and go right to the leaving while being kind of bored and miserable.

S. [after Sandgorse’s suggestion of hiding from invaders in the tunnels or using them to run away] why. [Raiders are] literally not going to be like, “oh I guess Windclan’s not here and we should go home,” they’ll be like, “great Windclan’s not here, this IS our new home.” Sandgorse talks a big game about not being a coward, but the tunnellers’ solutions are literally only “just hide in a hole” or “run away.” S. I got so mad about that. The tunnellers being like, "we were doing important tunnel business to protect the clan, we could be here to protect the clan," and they get chewed out for that and Sandgorse has the brass balls to be like, "well our tunnels will save lives." S. I'm like, will they? S. Or will you die in one in a pathetic final display of defiant idiot masculinity?

S. That said, something that did chatter my suspension of disbelief like cheap glass: the visitors' names. K. They’re bad.  S. Algernon???? K. ALGERNON K.  ALGIE??? S. "They were named by twolegs" please say psyche S.  I just... cannot believe in a world where a cat hears some word humans repeat at them a lot, and goes, "that's my name, I will introduce myself to other cats using this sound." Instead of like... getting a name from other cats, or picking a name for themselves. Especially if the cat doesn't live with those humans. S. It's more real to me for a cat to be like "oh yeah that's what the humans think my name is, they don't speak cat very well but they're trying," than being like, "I will take that garbled junk as my name." K. I love that so much better. S. I find it so funny that cats would hear human languages basically like cthulhu speech, and be with a friend like, [listens] Human in the garden: ghghtaa'ppgthannneetltssssa! Cat: "hold on, my person is calling, I need to check on them." Cat, returns: "It's fine, they forgot where the door was so I showed them. What were you saying?" K.  Cat: "Are you good?? Do you need assistance?" Human: Nnghavva'thalpssasann! Cat: "Ohh, you want pets. Here, I can give you some chin rubs. You like those? God, you're so stupid and I love that about you." S. Cat: "my humans are so smart, they know about seven words, kind of." S. Cat: "I call that one 'Very Tall Getter of Things From the Shelf' and I call that one 'Cuddles Me Warmly.'"

[jamesaerial]

Reflections Of The Days Gone: An Open Letter

This is a post that is me getting feelings out, I have been doing a lot of looking back on my life lately and seeing the growth I have accomplished is amazing. The flip side of that is a lovely thing most all of us have done a time or two in that if “if I knew then what I know now.” This has been on my mind the last week or so in various things like, If I knew then what I know now, I would never have started smoking and so on and so forth but this open letter today is just that but for a relationship that I would love to go back and fix things for. Here goes nothing, will I show this to that person, maybe if I get the courage to do so but for now I wanna get these feelings out here.

Hey, so come next month it’ll have been 6 years since you left. I still to this day miss you heavily on that day, I also miss you on what would have been our anniversary and on your birthday every year. in the last 6 years we have both grown up so much from when we were 24, and lately I have been thinking about you quite a bit. Now why after 6 years have these thoughts and dreams been cropping up, that I couldn’t tell you because I am unsure honestly but it got me looking back on all the good times we had in our year and 5 months together, which by the way still remains my longest relationship. I do wanna take a moment to say a few things that I have finally figured out the words for over the last 6 years and hopefully you will be as kind to hear me out. Hell I hardly expected you to message me back that day on facebook if we are being completely honest, but lately I have been getting better at the whole forgiving myself and forgiving others thing which leads me to the found words I mentioned just a moment ago. I first want to apologize to you, probably 6 years too late but it took me that long to not only see things from your perspective at the time, but I wanna apologize for being an absolutely shit fiance at the time. I wanna apologize to you for not doing the things you wanted to do, I wanna apologize for not listening to your opinions, I wanna apologize to you for ever hurting you even if at the time I didn’t know I was. I mentioned this before when people asked me about it but you were my first serious relationship and if we are being honest I had NO IDEA what the fuck I was doing and that ended up hurting us in the end. If I knew then what I know now I strongly feel we would have been married at least 4 years almost to this point and everything would be fine but me at 24 didn’t know about the things me at 30 does. Also me at 24 was more focused on his goals rather than realizing that at that point we were a team, I acted as an individual that just so happened to have a partner, rather than what I should have and treated our engagement as a partnership. I wanna apologize for me at the time undervaluing just how important you were to me. I wanna apologize for ever making you feel underappreciated. At the time I am sure you felt like there was no give from my end and I see why you felt that now, because I now know what that feels like. I know now what it felt like for you when I did that to you back then, hurting you was never my intention but looking back on it now, that’s exactly what happened. If I knew then what i know now, I would have listened to you way more than I did, I would have treated you like the absolute Queen you are, I would have gone to that movie with you, even though the setting made me uncomfortable I would have sucked it up and done it knowing how important that would have been to you. I would have been more receptive to your ideas on our future, I would have done the little things better to keep you happy. I cannot begin to explain how I wish I could go back in time, pop my 24 year old self in the mouth and explain to my past self what I was doing wrong and how 6 years later I was gonna be typing this very letter but time travel doesn’t exist as of the day I pen this letter to you. I finally understand why you did the breakup the way you did too, because though 6 years too late I feel I finally figured out what went down then and that I needed to learn that lesson the hard way because in a weird way I feel because you loved me so much that you NEEDED to do that so I would eventually learn and become a better partner down the road, whether it be if a 2nd chance would happen with you, of which I am very open to having that discussion by the way, or any future partner I would have, which by the way there was only one and they taught me a lot about being open with my feelings and to be more open with my communication. I have come a long way in many things since that fateful August day and I have grown so much in all the things I lacked when we were engaged.Truth be told I have always felt like there has been a perpetual rain cloud over my head since that fateful August day that I never understood why it was there, but now I do understand why it was there and truth be told I am disappointed in myself that I didn’t see or understand what I was doing wrong then and it took me 6 years to finally put it all together. I wanna say to you genuinely that I am sorry I was a failure then, I am genuinely sorry that I put you through that shit and if I knew then what I know now, we’d never be in this position. I know this letter probably won’t make you magically want to give said 2nd chance but I feel I needed to do this to rid me of the perpetual rain cloud that has been there for 6 years. I have since forgiven myself for what I did wrong and I have actively sought to change that. I have also forgiven you for it too, mostly because I look back on us fondly now, and I realize that you did it because you felt it was the right thing to do at the time, I wish I could have seen it from your eyes at the time but I can’t change that, but what I can do is at least repair the bridge with you. I at least want to have a somewhat active relationship with you whether its by a 2nd chance that I would want to earn should we have that conversation, or just a friendship. You were a great part of my life and I squandered that, now I want to fix things and even if it is just as friends I will be okay with that.We have a lot to catch up on in the time I was away, and hoepfully if you are receptive and accept this apology I wanna hear about all of it. I wanna hear about the cool things you have done, I wanna know how your family is doing, hell even tell me what your biological family is like, and likewise there is so much I wanna catch you up on too! I want this to be something where we are communicating again and I would love nothing more than to have you in my life again in whatever capacity that ends up being! I will always love you, this heart will always be ready for you should you wish to reclaim it, and if not that’s alright too. I will always be open to having you around and I genuinely want you to be proud of me again. I have always been proud of you for your expression, your passion, and your kindness! Maybe someday I will earn your trust back and your respect back.

With love,

James

PS: I did end up sending it to her readers, it felt that it was my best move to make, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me in doing so, now I don’t expect a response back but it feels good to be at peace with it now

[artificialqueens]

MacArthur Park (Rajila) - Juniper

Summary: Raja has an epiphany during Delta and Manila’s lip sync. Drag Race set. 3k.

Author’s note: Two from me in one queue! A good chunk of the beginning is an expansion of Untucked, but I feel it’s necessary. This idea was just eating me alive, so I hope you enjoy!

Exhilaration.

It was probably the only accurate way to describe what Raja was experiencing as she left the main stage, hands jittering as she moved toward the lounge. Every bundle of nerves were on fire, and she had no desire to fight back the wild eyes and smile she was sporting. She opened the door, heart still thumping loudly, threatening to rise up out of her chest. She quickly reached for a cocktail, slipping the straw between her teeth, trying to find a normal heart rate. It was just her on the couch, along with a producer and three camera men she was supposed to act oblivious of.

A stage was nothing new to Raja; she’d been up above crowds for almost twenty years, dancing around in a dress, pretending to sing someone else’s songs. As she matured, gained a professional reputation, she began hosting shows, speaking to young minds that wanted to hone their crafts to be just like her. Raja, the fashionable, runway-drawn, fierce artist that she was. However, never had she been forced to write a script of stand-up comedy and deliver it in front of a crowd, her idol, and the entire nation watching at home.

She’d done well, maintaining composure as she drew laughs from the audience of strangers, bucket of fake blood stemming from her scalp and all. It was one of the most exciting moments she’d experienced in the competition thus far, the rush like that of a high-speed amusement park ride, throwing her all out into the sea of vultures below, eyes expectant.

Shangela’s plan of throwing Raja under the bus had failed; she had opened the show and left a lasting impression doing so. Raja amusedly sucked down more alcohol as she thought about it.

One by one, the girls made their way backstage; Carmen, Alexis, Shangela. Each queen recounting their acts, what got the most laughs, which jokes they were most proud of. Raja’s stomach was finally starting to settle, mentally reminding herself not to grind her teeth on camera at the slight shade she was receiving from Shangela.

She’d set the tone, and it seemed that everyone was excelling in the challenge, so far. It was going to be interesting to see what the judges would have to say. All the girls were lifting glasses off the table, fiddling with the lemon on the edge, a scantily clad Carmen somewhere behind, ditching her fat suit and readjusting her tuck.

The door creaked open again, and Manila slipped through, wide eyed at Carmen. She sat as the queens grilled her, asking questions suggested by the producer, and her answers led Raja to believe that maybe she hadn’t done so well. It was a competition after all, but she’d found a good friend in Manila, and wanted the very best of her challengers by her side until the end. She’d be damned if that wasn’t the Heathers.

Yara entered, and Raja’s mind drifted away, thinking about the long evening they still had in store. Her feet were already aching, the blonde wig hot on her head, and as she finally came to a calm state, she felt exhausted.

Delta came in last, and her nervous energy was picked up by Raja immediately. She knew her sister, and something was definitely up. Delta and Manila talked about the struggles of being out on your own, not having anyone else to bounce jokes off of, or take up dead space, and Raja’s heart skipped a beat. If it truly was as bad as she sensed, it wouldn’t be a shock to see two of the Heathers in the bottom.

They were all escorted back out onto the runway, enduring the critiques. Raja was pleased, and for most of the girls, there were compliments aplenty. Confirming her fears, the judges tore into her friends. She watched Michelle’s polished fingernail point at Delta, demanding that she get out of her head. Raja shot her a worried look.

Once back in the longue, Raja relaxed onto the sofa. The dynamic of the room had shifted, as it usually did when people’s feelings got hurt, and Raja winced as Delta began to rant, laughing apathetically about disregarding her criticisms.

They change the subject, having a relaxed kiki, discussing the words of Ru, Santino, Michelle, and their guest. Shangela cuts Raja off mid-sentence, and the annoyance bubbles inside her gut once again.

Manila beings to talk a lot, as she often does, spewing off words and defenses about being called a copycat, before Delta speaks up again. She’s beating herself up, acting as though she’s so underwhelmed by her performance and her place in the competition. She feels undervalued, and Raja shakes her head as the self-deprecating comments keep coming. There’s a sarcastic tone, but it hurts Raja’s heart.

Delta is more than a friend. A lifelong companion, a drag sister to have by her side forever. Raja’s seen Delta up on stage, collecting tips and applause. She knows how amazing she is, how beautifully her mug is painted, how intelligently her style shines through. She’s a polished queen who has earned her respect, and it pains her to see the dark cloud hanging over her head.

Suddenly, she’s on the floor, ripping off her wig and mocking the elimination process. She’s raving about the absurdity of it all; this isn’t a drag competition, it’s just a show made to exploit them and put them through the ringer. Raja’s tapping her foot, the other queens visibly uncomfortable at the vibe being created, as Delta swears that she’ll refuse to lip sync.

It doesn’t look good for her, Raja knows. Delta has already been in the bottom twice, and track record could definitely play a factor if her competitor brings it. She steals a glance at Manila, trying to save face, but she catches the occasional lip quiver. She’s talented, but so is Delta, and she feels guilty for knowing which Heather she’d rather have stay.

She grabs Delta by the wrist, pulling her into the gold bar. She isn’t going to let her sister crash and burn without a fight.

“Okay, you’ve gotta stop this,” she pleads, but her words fall on deaf ears. Delta’s mind is riddled with insecurities, and it seems that no matter how many well-deserved compliments she’s paid, her heart is overcast. The song is a classic, a disco hit that Delta knows, even without studying. Delta is a firework, and Raja knows she can pull through one more time to stay another week.

She’s trying to act calm, not letting her own nerves show. It wouldn’t feel right without her by her side. Sure, she’d have Carmen and Manila, but they weren’t Delta. If she was going to win, she wanted Delta with her through it all. She’d have to go sometime, but not now. Not like this.

They all go back onto the main stage, Raja’s predictions coming true. She doesn’t have time to be irritated with Shangela’s win; her heart is racing as the raised platform is deserted, one by one, until it’s only Manila and Delta.

Raja isn’t sure what she believes in anymore, but she says a prayer, nonetheless.

She’s biting her lip. She thinks to the nights they’ve spent gossiping, twirling the hotel phone cord around her finger. The coffee runs, granted to them after many complaints to Chanel. All the hours they spent, working their fingers to the bone, only to be rewarded with disgusting food and a lack of sleep. The Heathers made it bearable. By the second day she’d found someone so similar to herself in Manila.

It was going to be a damn shame to watch her sashay away.

The opening chords flood out of the speakers, and the lights move. Manila gracefully flutters down to the floor, yellow feathers dancing on their own. Her attire is almost eerily fitting to the song.

Donna Summer’s voice speaks to Raja as she tries to keep her gaze even, willing her spirit to give confidence to Delta. She’s performing, brilliant as always, and comically uses her chunky bracelet as a prop.

Then, the song is building, and everyone’s eyes turn to the Asian queen as she throws her whole body into the song, hands shaking, eyes crossed. The sheer energy and passion strikes Raja to her core, and the laughter of the judges seems like it’s coming from a million miles away.

Her eyes burn as she tries to force them onto Delta, but she can’t rip away. Manila is dancing the house down, so theatrical, and hungry to stay. The raw emotion is radiating off her body, and it’s entrancing.

Everyone is all smiles. The anxiety creeps up Raja’s center as she sees RuPaul’s gaze intently fixed on the younger queen, aware that Delta is quickly fading into the background. Manila’s bending her body back, arms in the air, expression crazed. Her fingers drag down her face, wiping the tears and mascara all over her cheeks.

Slowly, the exhilaration from before comes back, and she feels her body bopping to the beat. Raja’s cheeks ache from smiling so widely, and she has to restrain herself from taking a step forward.

In so many years, she has never felt like this. This truthful, honest display is beautiful to her, and it reaffirms her faith in the art of drag. It’s so beautiful. Manila is so beautiful.

It feels like five hours and two seconds all at once, but it’s finally winding down, and Manila stumbles as she runs into Delta, sweeping her up in her storm. She clings to her friend, crying out apologies, and Raja wants to run up and cradle them both.

The applause is thunderous as each queen returns to her respective end of the stage. There’s no doubt in anyone’s mind what the result will be, and yet Raja still curses when Manila is declared safe.

Everything afterwards moves in a blur, and Raja steps up to embrace Delta as she’s walking offstage. The other Heathers join in, and Manila is still sobbing. Raja finds herself gripping her wrist during the group hug. It doesn’t last long enough.

They all step backstage, feet bruised and battered, spirits weary. Typically, they’re allowed to go back into the workroom to de-drag, so long as they pretend not to see that tale-tell message on the mirror, spelled out in cheap lipstick. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Manila talking to Chanel, who’s holding a clipboard in her hands, and Raja can only assume she’s pleading to just go back to her room. She’s exhausted, and Raja can relate.

–

A few hours later, Sutan gives up on biting his lip, and finally pushes up from the bed. He knows he should be mourning the loss of his friend, but his mind is racing through a million thoughts a minute, and he’s craving some fresh air.

It’s not long until midnight, and they have an early call tomorrow. Still, he grabs for his pack on the coffee table, making sure his lighter and keycard are in his back pocket before heading outside.

There’s fancy outdoor lighting hanging everywhere, casting an orange glow on the outside pavilion Sutan always heads to when he needs fresh air. Metal tables and chairs sit unoccupied, and for a moment, he thinks his only company is the slight breeze and the cloudy night sky.

He sees his blonde tuft of hair first, peering up for any signs of the moon. He’s in a hoodie and gym shorts, bare feet dangling over the grass, as he sits on a short cement wall.

As Sutan approaches, he can see black streaks still staining the younger man’s face. Splotches of thick foundation remain, and he can’t help but wonder how long he’s been out there.

“Hey, Heather,” he said softly, as to not startle him. It was strangely silent for such a populated hotel, the only true sound coming from hidden crickets. “Your face is going to rot.”

It’s a joke, but neither laugh. Sutan leans against a pillar adjacent to the wall, lighting up, and for a couple of minutes no one speaks.

“Do you think Gabriel hates me?” Karl finally asks, voice hoarse from disuse.

“No, Manila,” he responds with a hefty sigh. “He knew he was going to be in the bottom, it was just his luck that you happened to kill it, right? It’s an honor to leave to another Heather.”

Sutan feels strangely calm. For a moment, he wonders if he’d feel any different if the outcome had been in Delta’s favor.

“Would you have hated me if I sent you home?”

“Probably,” Karl says, after a few beats. “For a while, anyway.”

Sutan takes a long drag, the sparks at the end of his cigarette burning their way up, dying and turning to ash. Something stings, and he wants to pretend it’s not the thought of going back to a life without Manila, never hearing her laugh in the morning or seeing her stupid cross-eyed face.

“Well, at least you’re honest,” he breathes out. Karl doesn’t smoke, though he does look in need of some vice to drown his sorrows with.

Karl feels guilty, and he doesn’t hide misery well, Sutan notes. He wants to reach out, but keeps his distance.

“It’s gonna be you and me, Heather,” he says, eventually, and Karl looks up, under eyes dark with fatigue. “Until the bitter end.”

“You think so?”

“Unless Shablamgela has some secret weapon and sends both of our asses home,” he snorts, and suddenly Karl is laughing weakly. It sends a tingle through him.

Karl pats the cement next to him, and Sutan stomps the butt of his cigarette out before hopping up. They watch the grass sway with the breeze. There are no flowers.

“What did it feel like?”

Karl groans, rubbing his face. He bumps Sutan’s shoulder and he chuckles quietly.

“The absolute worst. I felt like I was going to throw up, I was so scared. My heart was beating out of my chest.”

Sutan said nothing, content to listen.

“This sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I couldn’t shake it. Ru’s eyes were burning into my skin. I didn’t want her to go, but I couldn’t lose. I didn’t think I wanted this so bad. It’s about more than the money and title, now. I’ve worked so hard, my whole life, and I always end up second best. I don’t wanna waste my life away in an office job. I’m meant for this, I know I am. Nothing brings me joy like sketching out my next outfit, plotting out a performance. It feels right, Sutan.”

His stomach flips at the sound of his name.

“Yeah,” he breathes in agreement, before clearing his throat. “I know what you mean. Like, I’ve done so many other projects…but there’s something about drag. It just draws me back.”

“It’s gonna suck to send you home, too.”

Sutan sees the quirk of Karl’s lips, and he shoots him a narrowed glance.

“Shut up, Heather.”

They’re laughing, for real now, sadness being alleviated each second. Karl leans his head against his shoulder. Sutan lets his eyes close. He can feel the other man’s breath on his arm, and it tickles him, but he makes no effort to move.

He thinks back to the elimination, watching Manila silently scream with passion, move with artistry. The makeup coated tears he so longed to wipe away. It was enchanting, intoxicating, and for a few seconds, he let himself dare to imagine what he might have done if he had let himself take those steps further.

She was beautiful, even dressed up as a Muppet. Something clenched around Sutan’s heart. Perhaps all they had in common was more than coincidence. Two sides of the same coin, meant to be together.

He knows he shouldn’t, that he’ll probably regret this, but he doesn’t care. It could be his fried brain talking, forced into near solitude and wringed out for all it was worth, but he thinks the moon is looking to him, and she’s saying to move toward his body.

He twists, placing a hand on Karl’s knee. His head perks up, and their eyes meet. Sutan is scanning every inch of his face, trying to see if he’s reading the situation correctly. The feeling is unmistakable.

Karl smiles, suddenly, and Sutan does this same. He only moves in about an inch before he hears the other boy speak up.

“We could really make a difference in the way drag is viewed, I think. The world is gonna be wowed by us when all of this is over and airing. Even if I don’t win, I’m so ready for what’s to come. We should be proud of ourselves. I can’t wait to see what Sahara is gonna say.”

In an instant, Sutan jerks back, eyes focusing on nothing. He’s willing his face not to heat up, thankful for the heavy shadows encompassing them. His nerves are rattled. How could he have forgotten?

Sutan has a big ego, but he isn’t stupid. He knows what certain things look like, how they feel, and how they sound. The tone applied to Karl’s voice when he says his name is not at all the same as the way he says Antoine’s. He’s dizzy, so embarrassed by what he was about to do.

Karl stifles a yawn, covering his mouth with the back of his hand.

“I’m fucking beat. I think I’m gonna turn in,” he says, and Sutan can only numbly nod. He’s both grateful and upset. Wants him to go, desperate to ask him to stay.

Karl hops off the wall and walks back toward the building. Sutan can hear him swipe his card, the faint beeping mocking him.

“Love you, Heather!” He calls out, and Sutan waits until he’s gone to reply.

“Love you, too.”