#but it’s tiring and it’s getting old and i won’t tolerate bs like this

[bandzboy]

not me seeing this guy on the portuguese tv being like “we don’t know who is lying we would need a third party to tell us who is lying” and i’m just baffled because nobody said this about the russia-ukraine war everyone knows russia is the one doing propaganda but during a literal genocide you don’t know who to believe?? it’s obvious who you should believe! the civilians that have been bombed for years and years and are living in an open air prison and have no food and no water and have to see their families and others die on the daily THAT’S who you should believe there’s no way to stay neutral on this WHEN THE ANSWER IS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES just say you support the oppressor and just wrap this shit up because this is embarrassing

[dekusleftsock]

Okay look, let’s legit talk about krbk and izuocha/tododeku for a sec here. If you follow/have read my shit before, I’m a big bkdk and togachako shopper. If you have a problem with that, just click off it’s not that hard. Expect bkdk and togachako opinions in this post. Now without further ado, let’s talk about the relationships in these three ships.

Now, honest to god, the least toxic community out of those three is tododeku and that’s probably bc it just isn’t as big as the other two. But what I WILL say is that you guys mischaracterize Katsuki, todoroki, and Izuku the most out of all three.

It’s the one ship that I legit can’t tolerate, no actual logical reason, I just find it annoying for no reason lol. But my personal feelings, don’t really matter here! We’re talking about the actual relationship stuff.

So, what makes this ship interesting? Well I’ve got to say that it’s the fact that todoroki is the first person to teach Izuku how to save someone who does not want to be saved. He was the first person who he had to make them save THEMSELF and WANT TO BE SAVED, and that’s a major part of Izukus development. It makes him start to question the villains of society, are they really all bad? Is it possible to save them? He also had a subconscious bias as he was once apart of the “can nots” of society. Quirkless, disabled, or useless quirked people kind of fit here. Same with villainous quirks. With all of this in mind, it made him look at shigaraki and legitimately think about how to save him. Todoroki taught him that part of hero work is also saving people psychologically.

Todoroki learned a lot from deku in how to accept himself as he is. “It’s your quirk not his!” Was something that stuck with him and continued to do so after the sports festival. He was also todoroki’s first actual friend. And btw, no matter how much y’all wanna say it, todoroki is NOT in the deku squad! Todoroki is friends with Katsuki and Izuku mainly, they are their OWN friend group outside of bkg or deku squads, remember that. Part of todoroki’s development as a character was being friends with BOTH of them, so I’m sorry, but if you hate Katsuki, todoroki does not like you. Just as deku doesn’t. Katsuki is a man with a burning temper and explosive personality, but he is also a positive burning sun in both of their lives.

Tododeku together is amazing, all about making each other be better in silent but nice ways. They’re also socially awkward buddies >:) But what he is not is a replacement for Katsuki. He is not mean, never is never will be. Nor is he jealous and vindictive towards Katsuki. You could probably say that he sees him as a one sided best friendship along with him and deku. (Those titles are actually reserved for uraraka and kirishima but whatever, not the point. Let todoroki live) But it’s also not canon so we’ll just make that a funny hc that’s kinda implied lol.

And I’ll finish this little analysis of them off with, I do not care about who you like shipping with Izuku, but if you actively make Katsuki or todoroki vindictive towards the other PLEASE GOD ADD THE TAG ON AO3 “OOC TODOROKI SHOTO” BC IM TIRED OF READING IT- This whole analysis has been to say, that you can not make todoroki a replacement for Katsuki. You just can’t. And that goes for any Katsuki ship or Izuku ship, they can’t live without the other. So please god stop mis characterizing them. It’s getting REALLY OLD really fast.

Now let’s move onto kiribaku. I’m saving izuocha for last bc they’re the least controversial and I won’t have to do as much work to write them out lmao. Anywho, kiribaku! I actually enjoy this ship sometimes, it’s not my favorite, but it’s still pretty good in my book.

I think the ship is cute and important for katsukis development, as him, kaminari, sero, jirou, and even todoroki call him out on his bs. They were the first friends he really had that weren’t afraid to say “you’re an asshole” to his face even if he yelled at them. They simply didn’t care. Hell, on the second day Katsuki met kaminari, he literally fucking called his personality flaming hot garbage, and jirou even teased him. The class just didn’t tolerate his bullshit. Even deku was like “what the fuck is happening IM the one who gets teased, not him” because unlike before, Katsuki was in the hero course at UA.

He didn’t HAVE the enablers from his teachers or his classmates like he did before. Aizawa didn’t take his shit just like kirishima didn’t take his shit. And this where their relationship truly starts.

Kirishima is exactly what Katsuki needs, someone who can take his quirk, calm his temper, and will call out his bullshit. He’s both a good friend and not an enabler, exactly what he needs. He’s also got a powerful quirk, something that Katsuki at this stage has to see so that he can make the close relationships he needs. He’s pretty much deku in his mind except without the same history and a powerful quirk. Dynamic wise at least.

But just like tododeku, it’s what he NEEDS at that moment. But, unlike tododeku, kiribaku as a relationship itself is enabling Katsukis quirk discrimination. You could even argue that their relationship itself is based in the fact that Katsuki projects deku onto kirishima.

Their friendship and relationship is amazing, but if Katsuki didn’t put some distance between them, it simply wouldn’t show his true development. Kirishima was a walking example of the early part of their first year and middle school life, Katsuki and kirishimas relationship is inherently built on Katsukis flaming hot garbage takes. I legit believe that kiribaku would be MORE toxic than bkdk because of how kirishima indirectly enables Katsukis behavior.

The reason why y’all have been so starved for content unless it’s a movie or an ova is bc horikoshi KNOWS this and so does Katsuki. He KNOWS his friendship was built on seeing kirishima as an enabler for his actions. Katsuki needs to focus on healing his relationship with Izuku more than hanging around kirishima. But y’all aren’t ready for that-

Okay, controversial opinions over, it’s izuocha time.

Izuocha is actually great. I love the ship! She’s exactly what Izuku needs, someone with unquestionable, undoubtable, support and love for Izuku. From day one she believed in him. He doesn’t NEED to prove anything to show that he is worth love and appreciation. Uraraka is the support that deku would have needed in middle school or before that would push him to become a hero REGARDLESS of a quirk.

Izuocha is key to Izukus journey into becoming a hero, so lets just put aside ofa for a moment to talk about it. Lets say Izuku never ran into AM and instead had uraraka as a flame of support at aldera, maybe even before junior high. Because what Izuku would have needed to become a quirkless hero would have been three things: money/gear, training from the right person, and undoubtable love and support. He had none of those things though. Inko never believed in him, his only friend bullied him due to misunderstandings, and all might rejected the very idea of it happening. Three of the most important people in Izukus life DOUBTED HIM, completely and utterly. Even iida thought he wasn’t taking it seriously and that he would never get in. All of the other challengers thought that he was just gonna be useless competition. Unlike everyone else in his life, Izuku never had to earn love and support from uraraka.

And it’s funny how he still ending up having the same things that made him a hero AFTER getting into UA. He HAD the gear (a quirk), he HAD the training (all might), and he HAD the constant support and love from uraraka that he never had to earn. She TAUGHT HIM that he was worth something no matter what. He never had to fight a villain to prove he was something for all might, or sift through years of Katsukis issues just to earn that friendship again, or show that he had the intelligence and support to inko. He was simply allowed to exist as he was to uraraka.

And this support is not just for Izuku either, because he taught her to think about the heroes, who saves the heroes when they’re the ones in danger? Just like how todoroki taught deku how to save someone psychologically, deku did the same for her. He is a key part of her hero journey. He taught her the things she needed to know, they were entirely about lifting each other up. Away from their worries, just them being able to believe in themselves and each other.

But, that’s the early stuff. This information is.. a little out of date, don’t you think? I mean, we had ALL this tension build up from toga vs ochako 1, all about Izuku and ochako (kinda), all of this tension lead to Ochakos speech and then.. nothing. 342 frankly, should have been the confession, because all of the tension that horikoshi had been building was there and then he just let it go. For seemingly no reason. Story wise at least. Or you could make the argument that it was also building tension, okay then, what about 348? THAT chapter should have been about revealing feelings yet it wasn’t. That’s why this information, with how romantic it sounded when I described it, feels so untrue now. And I feel like izuochas also see it, they feel it and know it deep down, yet a lot of them choose to be ignorant and continue to not update their information.

That’s my problem with this ship. They were cute at first, something I wouldn’t totally reject seeing. Hell, I even looked at fandom content of them, but now it just feels like nothing. It isn’t going anywhere, because guys, their development is done! They need to be with their character foils, bkdk, shigaraki and deku, and togachako. They NEED to do the development with THESE characters. They aren’t gonna be canon, because if they were, shigafo’s fight would be about ochako and Izuku, not Katsuki.

And that’s what all three of these need to understand. I know y’all have been starved for content of them, I get that, but the reason you have been is because of the narrative with them simply being done. The development is over. This is how stories work. Take for example, peridot, from Steven universe. Her character arc was done, and I remember seeing su fans getting upset at the lack of peridot content. But she was done. Her arc was over. The same goes for here.

Get over yourselves, please. These characters are not as important to each other as much as you think they are.

[moonlightcreme]

°๑𝓟𝓲𝓬𝓴 𝓪 50’𝓼 𝓗𝓸𝓵𝓵𝔂𝔀𝓸𝓸𝓭 𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓻𝓵𝓮𝓽 ๑°

:❥ 🇵 🇪 🇴 🇵 🇱 🇪 '🇸 🇫 🇮 🇷 🇸 🇹 🇮 🇲 🇵 🇷 🇪 🇸 🇸 🇮 🇴 🇳 🇴 🇫 🇾 🇴 🇺

๑𝓖𝓻𝓪𝓬𝓮 𝓚𝓮𝓵𝓵𝔂 ๑❥:-

Cards: Page of Cups, Six of Cups, Ace of Cups, Seven of Swords, 2 of Pentacles, Lilly, Snake

Channeled Song:

Welcome to your reading, Pile: 1

So pile : 1, The first impression people get of you is that you are very sensitive, kind-hearted, gentle and romantic. Almost like you're a princess straight out of a fairy-tale.

You might give off these innocent anime or Studio Ghibli vibes. Honestly, I feel so good while I'm typing this. You might look innocent or dress in light or pastel colours.

You guys might be water signs, Neptune dominants or Neptune conjunct ascendant. Maybe Neptune conjunct moon as well, or Pisces in the big 3.

You guys just radiate this child-like glow. People also think that you are always ready to help those in need. You might also be animal lovers or like children?

Pile 1, I also feel like you might have a lot of secret admirers? Most people just fall in love a little when they meet you. Although, there might be some people who think that all of this is only a façade and you aren't as innocent or tender as you guys might seem.

Pile 1, you might also attract jealousy with people trying to bring you down. You guys need to realise that not everybody has your best interest at heart.

Pile 1, I don't know why but I feel like you might be tired of your image, like you're fed-up of appearing as a pure-hearted angelic goodie goodie all the time. You might want to appear as an alluring, seductive siren or a femme-fatale.

I also saw 1010 when I was drawing the cards so you might wanna check it out.

๑𝓜𝓪𝓻𝔂𝓵𝓲𝓷 𝓜𝓸𝓷𝓻𝓸𝓮๑❥:-

Cards: Page of Swords, 7 of Swords, 10 of Pentacles, Queen of Pentacles, Book and Bear.

Hello Pile: 2, welcome to your reading!

So the first impression people get of you is that you guys are pretty intelligent and well-learnt. More book smart vibes than street smart though. People might also think that you guys like to read. I heard philosophy when I was typing this so you folks might like to read about various philosophies and discuss them with people?

You guys might give off rich and old-money vibes; you might dress in a preppy sort of way. You guys might also be a huge fan of dark-academia aesthetic and vintage clothing. You guys also give off a very stable vibe, like you have your life together.

This pile is definitely my RBF pile; you guys seem like you won’t tolerate or entertain any sort of BS and honestly, good for you. You guys might also be hard-workers, and pretty ambitious and career focused, like you might be the top students in your class or the best employees at work. You guys give off a pretty serious vibe.

For astrological placements, I’m getting earth influence, more so Virgo and Capricorn than Taurus; Saturn dominance, and Saturn influence.

๑𝓐𝓾𝓭𝓮𝓻𝔂 𝓗𝓮𝓹𝓫𝓾𝓻𝓷๑❥:-

Cards: 6 of Swords, Page of swords, Queen of Cups, the Star, 10 of wands rx, Ship, Mountain.

Hello, Pile: 3; welcome to your reading!

So pile 3, you folks might not be the natives of the place you currently reside in or you people might give off a foreign vibe. People definitely take a note of that when they first meet you.

People might think your smart and have gone through a hard time to get where you are right now. You give off a very altruistic vibe; you make people feel hopeful and inspire them. You guys might like to do charity or volunteer work. You have a very nurturing and motherly aura.

About your clothing style, you might wear light blue a lot, and look glamorous; like you know what works for you. Light blue might also be your favorite colour.

Regarding astrological placements, I’m getting a mix of Libra, Aquarius and Cancer.

[literate-simp]

BEING BESTIES W/ SOME JJK CHARACTERS; Yuuji, Megumi, Nobara, Gojou and Sukuna.

Notes: Look. I know we all simp terribly for our husbandos/waifus but I just wanted to write a simple hc about what it's like to be their besties

Warning(s): slight cursing. I indulged too much on Sukuna.

Includes: gn! reader, fluff, chaotic energy, mentions of romance (just light)

Itadori Yuji

He's friends with everyone, says hi to strangers and probably would be besties with every old lady he meets so it wasn't hard to be friends with him.

But the second he becomes besties with you, shit's gonna get borderline chaotic.

3AM and y'all can't sleep? McDonald's parking lot with an abandoned shopping car would sound damned fine. You both remember the moment as 'Chicken Nuggies and the Wind' since he t-posed on the moving cart whilst eating nuggies (you both almost scratched a Ferari).

If you weren't a jujutsu sorcerer in training, he'd still try to sneak you in his room to watch some movies. You with the snacks, leaving Yuji in charge of the movie picking (you can't decide to save your life)

Cuddles! Nothing wrong with besties cuddling. He's extremely respectful to your s/o (if you have one) and are probably good friends with them too!

Though the second you come to him crying, they were already being patched up in the hospital. Won't hit a woman, against his morals, but he will make sure she never speaks to you again.

Understanding, chaotic besties! An arm around your shoulder when someone's obviously making you uncomfortable, he's the one barking when he sees someone slip something into your drink.

The friend to help you find your way out of a frat house. Makes sure you're getting touched with your consent and sober. All you need to do is give him a sign that you're alright and he'll give you a thumbs up before leaving.

Definitely the friend you'd open up to (about anything) and not be treated differently after so.

You told him about your problems a few minutes prior. It was quiet, a bit too quiet. And you were worried he might leave you for it.

"Ey, Y/N. Wanna go to McDonald's again? I think they have that burger you like," He blurts, catching you off guard. You raise your eyebrows before smiling gratefully.

"Sounds great, Itadori."

You guys talk about women with butts all the time. Not out of thirst or anything, it would just be a random thought that comes up and one of you would contribute to the other. You once mentioned something about Jennifer Lawrence and he would not stop talkinf about her. It was hilarious how much he was drooling.

You wear his hoodies and he's fine with it. Thinks you look good in them. Sukuna teases you both about your relationship and Yuji slaps his mouth shut before he says anything more.

"You look great in them, Y/N," Itadori grins, rummaging through his closet to find more hoodies.

"Thank you. They're pretty comfy," You mention the fabric and the fluffiness. He listens to you intently before Sukuna pops out from his cheek.

"Ehhh? This is the one you think about everyday--," Itadori has never slapped his cheek so hard before in his life.

Megumi Fushiguro

Honestly, pretty chill dude.

He has a small group of people he trusts, and a smaller one to which he considers to be his good friends.

So to be his best friend, you must've gained a huge amount of respect from him; saved him, maybe even overheard something you shouldn't have and kept quiet about it on your own accord.

You would have a 'you aren't comfortable with it, so I'm not forcing anything' vibe to which he would be relieved to know. Though even so, you are the more hyper one in the platonic relationship.

Outings would consist of trips to libraries or quiet nights on the couch with your legs entangled together with lo-fi music playing in the background.

Not much talking, Megumi likes to keep to himself and you have no problem with the comfortable silence you both bring together.

Though sometimes it gets too quiet so you annoy the hell out of him to get his attention; cheek poking, soft arm punches, slight pushing.

Megumi ignores this, finding your actions a bit cute. If it gets too annoying, he will get up and leave, having you trail behind him, whining like a child wanting candy.

Yuji would join in. Definitely. Nobara too if she was bored enough.

"Megumi~ I want your attention~," You whine, running after the raven-haired man.

"Yeah! Yeah! Pay attention to Y/N!" Yuji supports you. You clap your hands together, only to be hit with a shoe by Megumi.

He would never do anything outside of your comfort zone. If you had an s/o, they both would be neutral with each other.

If you were to get hurt from said s/o, they would leave your house with a bloody knuckle. He wouldn't hit a girl, but he definitely will destroy whatever life she has outside of your relationship with her.

Parties are a no-go for him, unless his friends force him to. He's the designated driver with three other drunk children (Hint; Yuuji, Nobara and you). He wouldn't carry anyone else but you back to your room.

"Jeez, Y/N. You should know how to handle your alcohol," Megumi sighs, laying you on top of your bed gently and pulling the covers up.

"Nngh. Didn't know it was alcohol," You groaned. He smiles, patting your cheek before getting up to leave.

"I'll get you some painkillers in the morning, alright?"

You can wear his sweatshirts if you annoy him about it (he secretly likes how comfortable you are around him). He thinks you look charming in them, Yuji never shuts up about your friendship. It's the few times he's seen Megumi genuinely smile.

Nobara Kugisaki

Radiates bad bitch energy.

It isn't easy in the first stages since she has standards with friends but the second you both find something similar about each other, it's an immediate ride-or-die friendship.

You would need a major backbone, 'I'm too hot for this bs' kinda vibe (it's canon that the reader is a bad bitch, periodt). You would have arguments with her but it's pretty basic stuff like the perfect colour for nailpolish or whether Maki deserves the Earth or the universe (you both agree it's the universe).

Outings consists of shopping malls and popular cafes. You take selfies everytime you see something relatively new.

Talk about anything under the sun -- newest trends, new food to try out, Maki -- but her favourites are hearing you talk about your day. If you weren't a jujutsu sorcerer, she'd visit your apartment, give you a hug and sit on the couch to listen to you blabber away about something that isn't related to curses or death. She needs time to rewind and you never mention how vulnerable she looks when she's tired.

"Uh-huh and what happens next?" Nobara asked, carressing your hair as you lay on her lap.

"He wouldn't stop following us! It was so creepy! No means no right? Like why would you waste your energy following a group of friends who aren't interested?" You ranted on. Nobara simply nods in agreement, smiling at your annoyed face.

She doesn't mind your s/o, probably would just say hi before leaving you two alone. She doesn't have a problem about her friends having a relationship, she does, however, gets pissed that she isn't in one.

If you come to her crying about them, she would slither in some 'fuckin told you they were gonna do it' or 'I told you so'. Though it makes you upset, you know she's gonna trash their house the second you leave the room.

Your (now) ex would suddenly be cancelled beyond belief, you wouldn't know what happened to them.

Despite the bad bitch personality, you are the more patient one.

Parties is a yes. She comes in as a self-confident woman and will leave self-confident and drunk. She's the life of the party and pulls you into conversations to keep you company. Even if you don't contribute much to the conversation, she makes sure you aren't out of her sight. She's not the type to bring a friend to a party and leave them the second after. She cares about you even if her way of showing was a bit too pushy.

You share clothes with her and she'll give you comments about it.

"The shirt doesn't fit. No, no. The other one. Yeah, that one."

"Who cares if people say you aren't supposed to wear skirts? Your ass rocks better in those than mine. Just take them."

Personally likes dressing you up, doesn't like dressing you up for dates though. Still doesn't know why.

Gojou Satoru

God, the willpower you have to even tolerate this man is immense.

It's not hard to be his friend, all you have to do is do something that amuses him and he'll keep teasing you about it.

In this platonic relationship, you're the more calm one. People call you to take care of Gojou constantly, and you're the only one he allows to scold him.

He goes for missions half the time so it's rare to see you both go for outings. The most you've been together outside of Jujustu Tech and work hours was in a bar with Nanami (you both bond over the fact that Gojou is terrible to work with). He got too drunk and started slurring his words.

"Y/N~ stohp flirting with Nanamin and talk to meee," He whines, pinching your cheeks as you sigh.

"We are simply talking about your bad work habits, Satoru," Nanami answers whilst shaking his head, downing another drink before he gets up to leave. "I'll take him home, rest well Y/N."

"Noooo, I want Y/N!"

A needy best friend. Constantly asks for attention. If you ignored him, he would only make the situation slightly more annoying -- similar to Megumi's Y/N, the basic cheek poking and whining.

Your s/o would probably hate him, he's a bit too flirty and likes to hug you in public. People mistake you both for a couple rather than the s/o at hand. Don't be surprised if it's the main reason your relationships don't end well.

If you come to him upset because of them, he wouldn't waste a second to zoom to your shared apartment and 'deal' with the person. Would come back with a smile and some takoyaki. No blood on him since he used his infinity.

Parties are alright with him. He's the cool flirty dude everyone seems to fawn over. Would accompany you for half an hour, only to leave with another chick to a nearby bedroom. You never end up partying with him after opening the God forsaken door and he's never stopped trying to make it up to you.

Other than the traumatic event, he'd a bit of a douche but still tries to look for you in the crowd. He waves once he sees you and flashes a reassuring smile before continuing his talk with the others.

You don't share clothes with him simply because it's Gojou. Who knows when the last time he washed his clothes.

Though he's willing to share. You're just more reluctant, really. Finds it cute when his shirts are slightly bigger than you. If you're built bigger than he is, he would like how tight it looks on your body.

"Starting to think you look better in my clothes than I am. And that's a pretty good compliment." He grins.

Hates the fact you never take his compliments seriously. Says it from the bottom of his heart, he really thinks you're charming.

Ryomen Sukuna

God, was it hard trying to befriend this curse of a man. An asshole, he stuck his feet out to trip you over multiple times before cackling like a damned demon (which he is).

Though you're always genuine with him. You liked having conversations with him and listen to him boast about himself for hours. Guess that's when he saw you as a close acquaintance.

Would never tell you you're his best friend. Never. Not once. Him simply acknowledging you was enough for everyone to know he favored one person.

Being friends with Sukuna meant being friends Yuji. Itadori always apologizes on his behalf and you would always laugh, telling him it's alright. Sukuna gets annoyed by this though.

"Stupid human. Who do you think you are being all mush with this useless vessel of mine?" He sneered the second he could pop out. You shrugged, taking some popcorn to feed him.

"He's a pretty good guy. You should cut him some slack," You answered, stuffing some popcorn to your face as well

Will constantly threaten to kill you but you never paid heed. You know you're his only friend. You don't agree with his actions but you find the curse interesting.

Literally the only person who's allowed to tease him. You get away with things most curses would get killed from. You once hand him super hot sauce for his pancakes and he glared at you for the remainder of his time being conscious in Yuji's body. You found the plate broken with a fork stabbed through it.

You aren't allowed to go on outings with Sukuna (obviously) so you both spend your time within Yuji's room. Not allowed to go out since everyone'll freak out seeing Yuji with tattoos resembling the King of Curses.

"Humans are so boring," Sukuna groaned, his head on the bedstand. "All they do is just sit around doing nothing but scroll through their stupid boxes." You smiled at him.

"Not my fault you commit mass genocide for fun. I'd say we're pretty passive."

He would literally never care about your love life. Still has the old man mentality that romance meant sex and that was about it. If they were to meet, the curse would just roll his eyes and turn the other way.

Getting hurt by your s/o results to hurtful teasing and bloodshed. No in-between, no nothing. He wouldn't know how to comfort you properly so he'd send Yuji in his place. Would sit at the back of Yuji's mind getting pissed that he was hugging and rubbing your back gently as if he couldn't have done it himself (literally sent Yuji only to judge him).

Not allowed to go out so parties is also a no-go BUT since this is just a headcanon, let's imagine it's college AU.

College AU Sukuna would love parties -- he throws them, orders his friends to invite hot girls and frat guys. And invites you himself. No one would know you were friends since he never mentions it but will literally choke anyone who looks at you like you're a piece of candy.

Gets way too drunk and probably have railed 3 people to cloud 9 in a matter of 2 hours but still go out just to check up on you. He doesn't necessarily care but he hates having the sick feeling that you were in possible danger somewhere he wouldn't be able to see you.

Stare at you for a good 3 seconds before leaving you alone. You'd never know he was there.

Clothes! His clothes are Yuji's and he barely even keeps his shirts in tact. Does he care whether you wear it or not? No.

Is he pissed? Slightly.

This took me two days, I'm not sure if it sounds canon anymore. Anyways, thank you for reading!

♡︎ literate-simp

[whaleofatjme1920]

I don't know if you take requests for your ocs but can I get some Theo/Pigman Content??

Theo Kolinsky Headcanons

yes ofc I can, he's my baby and almost everyone on quotev hates him.

To be completely fair, I made him to be hated. Like, genuinely he's my most asshole OC. I needed a dick, and Theo was it.

SO who is this man for those of you who have no idea wtf I'm on about?

Honestly I'm copy and pasting from my quotev book.

Honestly a jerk, but you get used to him. Also made him for From Where the Land Meets the Sea. I liked his character so here he is - pig man. 30 years old, like 5'9 and the second shortest out of their group. He cares about his group but not to the levels of Wallace. He sees Nyein as lesser and would prioritize the proxies in his group, but Nyein over outsiders - proxies and independents alike. His voice isn't too deep or too high, just somewhere in the middle but he talks way too fast. Doesn't care about your feelings, will tell you to shut up without any second thought. He's a spark waiting to go up.

Sarcastic, rude, out there and generally has little regard for anyone else but proxies. He's not terrible though, he's a surprisingly good strategist and gets the job done when others fail. He's Wallace's right hand and will often act as an advisor for the older proxy. Theo also speaks Polish! When he doesn't want Nyein or Ruth to know what he's saying, he'll switch to Polish because at least Wallace can understand him.

Who knows when he joined the proxy lifestyle, only that he did and bounced in some groups for a while before being placed with Wallace. They were partners for quite some time before Nyein was welcomed in. Wallace accepted Nyein fast but Theo never did. It's not that he doesn't like Nyein, but he doesn't like them due to the fact they were once an Outlier. Also sees Nyein much more as an animal than anything else. When Ruth came in, Theo didn't mind her as much but there's definitely a rivalry or something going on. After all, he did let her stitch his mask.

SO, with all that out of the way, let's get into some things with Theo. He knows he's the right hand for a reason, very cocky because of that.

He's actually pretty intelligent and perceptive, he just doesn't show it so he can use the element of surprise. He likes those 'gotcha' moments with people he especially doesn't like.

He will rile you up just because he can.

However, he's also a really good friend once you get past his front of "haha I'm a dick."

He will tell you what you NEED to hear. If he thinks your partner sucks and you need to get out he will tell you. Also vibe checks you like crazy.

I'm serious there's like, no bs with him or literally all bs.

He's really fun to hang out with because he has high energy and is always ready to get up and go. He likes to adventure and get in trouble while he's out it.

Please play drinking games with him. He doesn't smoke, doesn't get high, doesn't do any other drugs, but the man drinks.

He's also super protective of his friends.

Protective of his group.

Like, I've gotten into it before, but Theo prioritizes Wallace and Ruth over Nyein, but Nyein over anyone else - proxies and independents alike because they're all in a group.

He's a pretty loyal guy.

Plays guitar.

Likes poetry but wouldn't tell anyone.

Often speaks in Polish to himself and to Wallace.

Has a strong soft spot for dogs.

Though there's like one cat that somehow follows him wherever he is that has taken a shine to him that won't leave him alone.

He doesn't enjoy mornings but he's not adverse to them either.

He likes both the city and the woods, but has a slight preference for the city.

He wants to learn violin.

He has a voice similar to Delsin Rowe!

If I had to mark him down as a zodiac sign?? He's probably a Pisces lmfao.

He actually doesn't like driving and will 9/10 make it Ruth, Nyein or Wallace's problem.

He doesn't know why the pig mask became his thing he just saw it in a Halloween store and liked it. That's literally it like, whatever that's cool.

He will call you nicknames you hate just to make you mad.

He's surprisingly verbose when he wants to be.

Can actually handle his anger relatively well.

He doesn't even like pigs.

Doesn't even eat them.

He will do stupid things to get your attention, both platonically and romantically.

He likes heavy metal and grunge music.

Don’t let anyone know this but he got weirdly attached to the my little pony theme song for a while.

His only artistic gift is that guitar and nothing else.

Theo is prone to pushing everyone’s buttons to see what they’re capable of and their restraint. He’s analyzing you in his own way. You need to show him you’re not an airhead.

His favorite season is summer. He doesn’t know why. Probably because the days are longer.

There’s an afternoon vibe with him though.

He likes to walk and to run to places.

Theo is big on exercise!

He goes through times of extreme silence. It’s not that he wants to, he just doesn’t have anything to say and is processing.

He really like Slender Man because he genuinely enjoys killing. However, he tends to falter on weaker figures like the children.

There’s only two proxies he actually likes, Wallace and Ruth. He tolerates Nyein. The others? Doesn’t care about them, they’re not his concern.

Unlike wallace, he doesn’t harbor some odd hatred for Masky.

He can get along with other groups just fine. He’s not always a train wreck and can be good at communication and teamwork with teammates that aren’t inherently his. You just need to know that if he had to prioritize his group or yours, he’s always choosing his.

He likes black coffee.

He still has a soft spot for traditional Polish cooking. Can he cook it? Sometimes,,,,

He likes the feeling of the world right after it’s rained.

He’s actually no where near as tired as Ruth and Wallace are. Normally well rested and ready to go.

He doesn’t really trust anyone else as deeply as he trusts Wallace. For a longtime, it was just the two of them as partners. It took him a while to really trust Ruth and even longer for him to even tolerate and trust Nyein.

Wallace keeps him sane tbh. Reels him back in and acts as a moral compass whenever his is skewed past what proxies consider normal.

If you are his friend or someone he deems important, he’s going to treat you well. Still an asshole, but well.

You’d get special treatment over anyone else.

Theo is the kind of guy to get you food because you called over being vaguely upset while sitting on the hood of a car talking about how much things suck.

He’s just rough around the edges Y’know,,,,,,

You’ll always be laughing around him though.

[chasing-rabbits]

Being vegan is amazing but exhausting bc you read the same fucking carnist BS every day and ... ugh. Pls carnists I'm literally begging u to read a book.

I know right. I think it is most infuriating when they act like they know me better than I do and trained nutritionists. It’s stupid I hate when they are like but GrAsS FeD WiLL mAkE U BeTTeR Cos  I literally live on old farmland next door to me is a farm outside my window I’d see the cows/lambs. I had in the past even had meat from a local farm shop so when they say grass fed organic this blah blah that I’m like no ...I cannot physically consume meat regardless of how the cow was treated and fed on only the finest grass.  Also I mean honestly I know most people won’t listen to ethical arguments not when they are like that. So im ngl as much as I worry I come across as a health focused plant based dieter to people who maybe havent seen other posts of mine.  I am a vegan ethically and morally. It just so happens my body also does not tolerate meat and dairy. So it is also the healthier option plus life saving when it comes to dairy which would be no bueno. But the point is I like using it because it shuts them down. They are like but veganism is unhealthy fiber bad plants bad grains bad...meat and dairy good they generalise everything then like that person told me when i replied back oh u cant generalise because of your illnesses...which i wasnt..i used my illnesses as an example of how the opposite of what they said is true...all meat is good all vegan diets bad well no for me meat and dairy was v. bad vegan is good. Its like ugh seriously. But I’ve not had issues with idiot carnists in awhile and i manage to keep my feed pretty well managed so I dont tend to see them on the dash even from vegan blogs I follow then again as I said I’ve not been super active on this blog. And I’ve not been like...I’ve been generally not getting into discourse to much on veganism on twitter atm..its stressful and tiring and sometimes honestly it is not worth wasting our breath on trolls or people who are at this moment in time unreceptive to our words and/or evidence.  I for my own mental health try to avoid discourse now but I couldn’t resist this person today... Idiot carnists like them have the worst mentality. Like its not all carnists thats for sure but oh boy there are some right idiots out there. My favourite idiots being those who promote the carnivore diet - the whole mostly eating beef and like livers and other organs from cows. They are possibly the stupidest kind of carnists I’ve encountered.

[salt-sass-and-lyrium]

So a few weeks ago my headset at work started to go out. First, it was the microphone, it wouldn’t stay in place, so customers could not hear me unless I held it up by my mouth. Then, the battery started dying. On a full charge the headset should last for a full workday. It was lasting maaaaybe an hour. I wound up actually hanging up people when it died.

Needless to say when the microphone situation happened, I requested a replacement headset. Probably 2 weeks had gone by and I hadn’t heard anything or gotten one, which... not OK but whatever. 

Anyway, when I get back to work after festival I notice 2 things.

1. My headset hasn’t been replaced 2. The cord I use to use the phone on my PC is missing 3. One of my phones is missing (TL;DR our new phone system sucks and people’s numbers will come back as unregistered or the calls won’t connect. I call them on the old phone, boom it works just fine. He took the one that works just fine, ofc)

But I also note there’s an email telling me my headset has arrived. I go pick it up and when I get back to my desk my manager starts explaining that the telecom guy basically threw a temper tantrum and took my phone, and the cord I was using for my softphone. Both of which are super dumb.

Boss agrees actually, and tells me the telecom dude should still have the cord he took from me. I IM him and ask him if I can have it back. He proceeds to berate me for “ordering a new headset” and “wasting money” and then actually realizes “I don’t actually know what issue you were having”. So I tell him the headset no longer holds a charge, and it’s physically broken. I explain this to him, several times.

After that, he stops responding, and a minute later I can hear him SCREAMING coming down the hall “You’re ordering a $200 headset to replace a $13 dollar part”

For starters, I told them not to order me a brand new one. Aside from the headset everything worked fine. They decided to go ahead and give me a new one, base, extra cords, headset etc. For second: IT LITERALLY IS BROKEN.

So telecom dude storms into my cube and starts to berate me and talk down to me. Calling out my hair as having been the reason my headset broke (Nope) and lecturing me on being ‘wasteful’ and starts going on and on about how he has parts (the literal inside of the headset that keeps it in place has completely worn out. It needs to be replaced). He then takes my broken headset and proceeds to talk to me like I’m a fucking idiot. He holds the headset up, it droops all the way down because there’s nothing inside it to help it stay in place because it’s an old headset and worn out which is why I was replacing it. He then says “There’s NOTHING wrong with this!!” and I can tell he’s gearing up to start yelling again.

My bullshit tolerance is basically nil at this point. So I start talking over him, pointing to the VERY OBVIOUSLY BROKEN headset that he’s basically trying to gaslight me on. He keeps repeating that there’s nothing wrong with it, I ask him to hand it to me, I put it on and I demonstrate the issue. He then accuses me of not setting the headset up right (He was the one who set it up again, mind you) and of not understanding how to use it (It’s a phone. Pretty straight forward). I ask him to show me how I’m wrong and he snatched the headset out of my hand and starts fidgeting with it, muttering about my wastefullness, yada yada. A minute or so later, he realizes he was COMPLETELY in the wrong and starts trying to back peddle: ‘I didn’t know what the issue was’ (lie because I described it, in detail, in the request for a new headset) ‘I thought it was due to your hair’ (... why?) I didn’t know the battery was dying’ (lie, again was in the request)

I’m not in the mood for his bullshit so I ask him if I can have the cord that connects to my laptop back. He starts yelling at me about my choice of cable (not my choice, it’s the one they provide everybody) and that it creates ‘call quality issues’ (we’ve not taken a single call relating to our headsets or the laptop ‘softphone’ being an issue). I say “Ok, but I’m oncall for a week every few weeks. I often have to call people after hours, and I’m not going to drive like an hour back into the office. Since [company] refuses to provide me with an oncall phone, and I’m not going to use my personal devices I need to be able to use the softphone on my laptop.”

He starts to try and BS me again, but quickly gives up when I reiterate that literally everyone at the service desk has this exact cable and uses it for this express purpose. So unless you’re gonna take everyone’s away you can’t take mine. And, oh yeah, I NEED THIS TO DO MY FUCKING JOB.

I guess he can tell how annoyed I am because he starts apologizing over and over, making bullshit excuses and what not. I’m not in the mood to hear it, so I just pretty much ignore him. But like, I’m SO sick of this shit. I’m tired of not being listened to or taken seriously. I’m tired of watching my male coworkers do a thing and no one makes a deal out of it, but heads roll when I do the same thing. I. AM. SO. FUCKING. SICK. OF. MANSPLAINING.

[fmdjaewonarchive]

introooo~!

*shuffles in and awkwardly taps the mic* ehm- hello- yes it’s me jamie... again... pls be gentle on me i’m very nervous about being new for the 3rd time but i just really missed this place. ofc my name probably won’t ring any bells but last time i played yoshi (yuta fc) and before that when this rp started minjun (jongdae fc) and both of them are pretty much ancient history now. enough rambling about myself i’m just very happy to be here and rp with you all. i’m just going ahead and tell a bit about jaewon, unity’s grumpy leader that either needs a bottle of vodka, 48 of sleep, an IV drip with coffee or a cuddle. he has an about page, biography and plot page so far and if you want to plot pls just like this post or hmu i’ll love you 5ever.

(tw death/car accident)

warning: 99% this is going to get long as fuuuuuu-

park jaewon is the name

unity’s leader/main rapper/lead dancer/vocal 

was only recently let out of dimensions basement after being a trainee for 8 years

unity’s stressed parent

is dad inside but also dead inside

hasn’t taken a break once in his life 

ok quick recap of his past:

his parents are dead, died in a car accident when he was 11

it fucked him up p bad

he basically grew into an apathetic angsty lil shit that didn’t ever smile or generally care

his grandmother (who took him in, she’s gr8) noticed the only thing that drew a lil bit of a response from him was music 

and thus she kicked his ass to dance class even tho he didn’t want to

which lasted for like a few weeks and then he totally fell in love with it

music (both dancing and singing/rapping) helped him get himself back together

realized he wanted to be an idol but didn’t dare to tell his grandmother cuz he didn’t want to just ditch her after she had done so much for him

but The Coolest Grandma was totally onto him and signed him up for an audition and dimensions

he got in and thus became a trainee in 2008 (he was almost 15, yes he had already been an angsty lil shit before that age)

basically he was rumored within the company to be in alien but it was never really concrete so he was a lil disappointed when he wasn’t

was also in the first draft for mars but they decided he didn’t suit the concept like they wanted so his debut fell through again (well sorta agin but you get it)

wanted to give up but then dimensions was like “yo were making a new group wanna be leader” and well fuck yeah ofc he did

took a lil while to warm up to da boyz cuz he didn’t wanna get attached before he was sure he’d even make it to debut

now loves all of them more than anything else in the world (except his grandma she’s the no.1 homie)

is a bit of an uptight stoic grump with strict rules to keep everyone in line but its from a place of love ok he just wants to make sure all goes well

generally very hard to get through to and befriend to, has a very low tolerance for what he can take socially so he prefers to focus that on people he cares about

can b very curt, bordering on rude if u catch him at the wrong time, he’s just always Tired

very wary of nice people someone can b a genuinely good person and hes just like tf is that allowed

more general info:

needs to learn how to relax pls teach him

actual old man

literally dead afraid of fucking up and getting himself/unity on a bad note w the company cuz he knows how high dimensions sets the bar for them

also totally gay but boi deeper in the closet than narnia

like so deep he ain’t even know it yet

well he does know but that’s what we call denial ya know

prefers to hang out w more mature acting people cuz can’t be bothered to put up w childish bs

he’s a bit of a snob rlly knock him down a few notches

but also very hardworking and dedicated

a Secret Soft

closeted soft

okay this REALLY is too long so how about i just shut up

[libgds]

As some of you may remember, one of my greatest frustrations and roots of my struggles in California was the tow dolly. A tow dolly is a two wheeled trailer for pulling a car with front wheel drive. It made everything harder and led to the infamous night where I had the cops called on me for a domestic dispute with myself  (I Think I Just Became an Urban Legend) and then the tire blow out a couple of days later (I Have a Nemesis) , not to mention the lights not working delaying my trip home (This Is Beyond Ridiculous) and making to trip anxiety-ridden as they would go out for long periods only when  I was driving (Zen and the Art of RV Maintenance). Granted, the  light thing was Old Unreliable’s fault, but still.

While I have still have not made any definitive decisions about how long Old Unreliable will remain in my life, when I got back to Indiana, I immediately declared that the tow dolly had to go! I did not immediately list it back in October because I had bigger fish to fry like getting a job. Then it was winter and that job went until 6 or 7pm each night a, so I knew that would make arranging a sale difficult. The Spring came with a new job, and I was focused on learning that. Summer came and since the first job had paid so badly and the second teaching job had so little time left before summer, I had to get a summer job to get me through.

Finally, it was August and my regular teaching job was back in session. Oddly, having fewer money worries finally freed me up to wrestle the tow dolly problem. (Yes, I know selling it when I was the most broke would have made more sense, but here we are..)

I had sold many things using Facebook Marketplace when I was purging for the move to California. I had not sold anything so big and niche. Everybody uses TV’s and furniture, but how many people in the area are looking for a used tow dolly?  When I had bought mine through Craigslist, many of the postings were as old as 6 months, so I as prepared for the long haul.

I joined several Buy it/Sell it groups on facebook in the area and pulled up pictures that I had taken for this  back in October. I chose a price based on what I saw others being listed for and thought I would be waiting, but the inquires started immediately. My happiness over things quickly turned into annoyance after a few days. I am not built to be in Sales. I take things too personally and I am bad at confrontations and negotiating a price involved a lot of both for me. The first pet peeve I developed was a hatred for the phrase “What is you bottom dollar?”  I got hit with that as the second question after “Is it still available?” so many times. I have a posted price, if you want to negotiate, then you need to make a counter offer, not ask me to jump right to as low as I will go.  Rude.

I’m a little embarrassed by how many times that happened before I figured out “What is your bottom dollar?” is one of the automatic phrases you can choose in Messenger. Once I realized that, I gave people the benefit of the doubt and started a negotiating, but to a man, they dropped out instead of making a counter offer. GAH!

Then I switched tactics and would ask for an offer instead of putting down a number, but that would get me lowballed. We are talking offers for around 50% or lower from my asking prince. I had seen spindly ones that were over a decade old and rusted being listed for more. Then they would not budge on their offer.  Insulting.

I was fielding af few inquiries and one of the first looked like it was shaping up to be a real offer. Sweet! I wanted nothing more than to be done with this. I started getting everything in order for pick-up when I realized that I could not find the tire straps! I looked everywhere. There was absolutely no reason that they should not have been in my car or in the RV, but I looked everywhere in both,  plus the garage, my bedroom, and even the attic. My dad searched, he sent grandkids to search. Nothing. I don not know what happened. It such a weird thing to steal and not grab anything else in the car or RV. It is still a mystery.  So the straps are soementing you can get two new ones for around $40, so I took $25 off the asking price. The guy dropped out. A Tow dolly that was around $1400 new a year ago and he’s out over $40 of tire straps, the easiest and cheapest part to replace and the one that I would be weariest about buying used anyway.

Ugh. That meant I was still in the game. At about this time, it had been a little over a week. I cam home from work and the power was out and the estimated time of it coming back was 9pm. This is when Rod appeared in my DM’s. Rod put his phone number in his inquiry and asked me to call him.

No. I am selling this online to avoid giving out personal information and the last thing I want to do is give a strange dude a hone number hc can call after the sale. I did not answers right away because I did not know how I wanted to handle it. I figured Iw as getting enough inquires that I could just let this one go and I forgot about it. Next morning, he has sent more messages and they are increasingly passive-agressive. Great, the one guy who won’t move on. I messaged back as I had some time to kill at work waiting for my time to work with a student. I told him about the power outage, so I was worried about saving my phone battery and I explained that I preferred just using Messenger so I can look up any technical questions he has and I doin’t like giving out personal info like my  hone number to strangers.  This was around 8am. When I got off work around 4pm, I looked and Rod has went on a multiple message tantrum. He went off on me not wanting to give my number and that there as no way he was driving all that way without talking first, and this is probably a fake post and he’s going to report me, but also I missed out on a sale and on and on and on. I had thought about replying, “I have a job, so I am not on FB during the day, but I want you to to take this thread and show it to your wife/girlfriend/daughter or any woman and ask her to explain  to you why I do not feel safe giving you my number.” I figured he’s the type who has his head way too far up his butt to get the point, so instead I reported hime to Facebook for harassment.

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My next fun one was Richard (not making up these names, yes the biggest jerks had the phallic euphemisms for names.) I got up to get ready for work. At about 6:30am, I looked at Messenger and he had asked about the dolly at 11pm and then nudged me for an answer again at 6am. Dude, that is a level of impatience I cannot deal with. Sorry I do not offer 24 hour customer service. He did not get a response. I learned engaging does no good.

After a week and a half dealing with this sale, I noticed a pattern I had not seen when I was selling my other stuff: several more impatient buyers, lowball offers, and not willing to work out a price, and just generally being unreasonable. What was the big difference: I was mainly dealing with men this time.  I think I would have gotten a lot less BS if I would have had a guy list it for me or changed my username and profile picture to make it less obvious they there talking to a woman. Wrestling has put me in many a male-dominated situation and I recognize when I am dealing with a guy who cannot tolerate that a woman may “put one over on him” in an area he thinks he should automatically be superior and working out a deal on a trailer falls into that category.

After a week and a half, I found a buyer and yesterday I took it to Greensburg driving  my dad’s truck. There was no way I was risking Old Unreliable messing up my sale by making it look like the dolly lights do not work. It was a mercifully quick process to get rid of the thing and as soon as he had it unhooked form the truck and said we were good, I marked it as sold and got on my way back home. Cursed objects are hard to get rid of, so I was afraid to dawddle and give him time to change his mind.

Thank goodness I should not have to deal with anymore Rods and Richards for now.

Ding Dong, the Dolly’s Gone! As some of you may remember, one of my greatest frustrations and roots of my struggles in California was the tow dolly.

[adelindschade]

Lemme tell you something:

There’s a phrase I heard some time ago, I think from some Tyler Perry movie, but it’s relevant!

It goes like this: 'I'm Sick And Tired Of Being Sick And Tired' + the character chips in “and that’s when they gon’ do something about it, and you gon’ be sorry.”

People will keep lamenting about their piss-poor situation but that won’t do shit until they finally do something about it.

I’ve done snapped and hit that moment where I’m no longer bothered to make excuses for the shit I had to endure. I’m done with the excuses. I’m done with the apologies. I’m DONE.

I can take abuse. I can take a kick. I just get up, maybe cry, or most cases, mumble something smartass, and move on.

Then there’s bullshit that I have to cry myself to sleep over. Truths than make me realize there ain’t nothing I can do to fix it. I can either accept it and tolerate it, or accept it and remove myself from the situation.

I’m removing myself from the situation.

My dad pissed me off for the last time. He ain’t got nothing on me but this stupid phone. I can replace that. He has no leverage on me. He ain’t got no power over me. I can say shit and move on. I did just that.

He is up to his old tricks, saying one thing, and doing another, and expecting my mother to bend backyards and drain herself dry so he can continue to fuck his ex-wife over. He’s addicted to his little power trips. She’s still tied to him because they share a son who’s under split custody. He’s soaking it all up, enabled by his cunt of a girlfriend who’s doing the same thing to her exes - because that’s what narcissists do.

But me? I got my own place. I got my own shit. I work to support myself. I do what I can to make sure I’m not indebted to nobody, and if I am, I pay that shit right back as soon as I can.

That’s what gave me the push I needed to call that motherfucker out. His tricks didn’t work. He tried to be condescending, dismissive, lashing out, playing “you don’t know shit”, denying, you name it.

I repeated the same thing I did, that he needed to get it together. I gave him a deadline. I gave him an ultimatum. Get shit figured out, come to an agreement, or else you aren’t going to be invited to my graduation.

His response? “How dare you after everything I did for you. I’m the only man that was ever there for you.” BULLSHIT. Pitiful. That’s the best you got?

He hasn’t talked to me in months. He subjected me to the same BS he pulled on my mom. I ain’t obligated to think his minimal-effort BS will suffice to be anything I should be grateful for.

I ain’t scared of shit.

Actions have consequences. I’m ready to face mine. He’ll need to get over his pride and delusions to overcome his.

[fostertoforever]

And now for something different...

This post doesn’t really have anything to do with fostering, but it does have something to do with my life and health. And I use this blog as a way to express my thoughts and feelings about life. Mostly, my life centers around P and Baby C, but I’ve had something else on my mind for almost a year now, and perhaps if I share this story, others can give me some direction, learn from my experience, or sympathize/emphasize with this crazy health situation. I would also like to preface this post by saying there’s a lot of personal stuff in here that the fellas, in particular, may not want to read. Ladies, you’ll be fine, but unless you’re an open minded dude you might wanna sit this one out. Either way, here goes…

I’ve talked before about my infertility and the issues I’ve had with my lady parts. Basically, I’ve been told there’s no eggs in the basket and even if there is, they’re old and chances are, won’t make a baby. Boo. Anyway, this diagnosis creates another issue for me and that, my friends, is early menopause. I’m freakin 35 years old, so that’s a lot to digest. I’m 5 years into this diagnosis too, as I was told when I was just 30 years old. Since then, I have gone through hell in the female department. Without actually being pregnant, going through labor, and giving birth, as far as I’m concerned, I’ve served my sentence in the hellacious female issue department. My periods were so bad I sent myself right into anemia. I felt weak and useless. Pale and gross. Aunt Flow set up shop in my body and would stay for MONTHS. Bitch. I lost complete faith in my body and was always frustrated and…well….sad. It was a constant reminder of what my body couldn’t and wouldn’t do- reproduce. All I was producing was anger…and a lot of tears…and ya know, grossness.

So..in December 2016, I started getting a harsh, sharp pain in my left side. It took my breath away. It was so bad, it hurt to stand up, walk or sit for periods of time. I lived with a steady flow of Ibuprofen and my heating pad constantly at my side. I went to the chiropractor. I went to an urgent care clinic. This was right before Christmas, and our first Christmas with P as our adopted son, so I was determined, even though I felt like garbage, to make it a magical Christmas. But my body didn’t go for it. I remember baking Christmas cookies with P and wanting to just cry because of the pain. I finally went to my family doctor, who ran a slew of tests, XRays, and a CT Scan of my abdomen. It was concluded I had an ovarian cyst and some “concerning lymph nodes,” that could be reactive from the cyst. They referred me to my OBGYN and wished me luck.

Not seeing this as an urgent situation, two weeks later, still in pain, I go to the lady doctor, who does an ultrasound and decides “Nope, that cyst is too small and couldn’t cause this pain or those lymph nodes” and referred me back to my family doctor. She put in an IUD (worst freaking pain ever) and said that would take care of the early menopause crap (Why she hadn’t done this years ago, I’ll never know but yes, indeed, it helped!) Anyway, Christmas came and went, and my pain actually got more tolerable. Result of the IUD? Who knows. I think it was actually resting and not doing much over the holidays.

In January, after another CT Scan (#2) and blood work, I went back to my family doctor, who told me a story about her aunt having uterine cancer. Uhhhh, why was she telling me this???? With the cyst, the location of the lymph nodes, the early menopause issues, the infertility stuff, and the pain, she thought it was all uterine related and recommended a complete hysterectomy. She thought it was all GYN problem related and again, referred me BACK to my OBGYN, who again, said no, and referred me to a surgeon to do a biopsy of the lymph nodes. During this ordeal, as you know, we got the call for Baby C, and suddenly I had a newborn to take care of. My pain in my side was gone, but I was still feeling like crap most the time. Sleeplessness from a newborn? Perhaps? Or something else? So, in February, I went to the surgeon, who looked at my blood work and scans and said, “Nope, you’re fine. They’re reactive lymph nodes to lady problems, and they’ll probably clear up with time. Plus, your pain is gone, and the IUD is working, so that’s all well and good!” I was relieved and thought that was the end of it, even though I continued to feel sick and tired. I chalked it all up to having a newborn and being stressed with all foster parenting involves, and continued forward.

BUT…by March, I could barely stay awake during the day. I was sweating like crazy and was running a constant fever. I went back to my family doctor and literally cried and said, “Please figure out what is wrong with me! I’ve got two kids to take care of!" She, again, ran more tests, and another CT Scan (#3). Turns out, I had Mono. I was so grateful! I had a diagnosis! No more cancer, no more scary thoughts! This was all mono! No hysterectomy! Yes, I felt like absolute crap, but at least I knew what it was now! I struggled to finish the school year, with a newborn, a toddler, and mono. But, I was thanking God I had lunch and a plan period back to back, and my boss was ok with me taking naps in my car when I didn’t have students. I controlled the fever with Tylenol and ibuprofen, discovered a love of iced coffee and shots of espresso, and took frequent naps when I could.

By July, the mono symptoms were subsiding and I went back for a check up with my family doctor. Confident that these lymph nodes had gone away with the mono, I agreed to yet another round of tests and another CT Scan. (If you’re keeping track, this is Scan #4. Pretty soon, I might be radioactive.) Once again, it showed those concerning lymph nodes in my abdomen. Still there! My blood work was a bit funky too. And my doctor was super concerned again. She wanted a definitive diagnosis. So did I! Ugh. So, she referred me to an oncologist. I was scared just hearing the word. Oncology is cancer! Do I have cancer? Are we back to this?

A month later, again, in no hurry, not seeing any urgency in any of this, I went to the oncologist. He ordered more blood work and a CT Scan of my neck and chest. He told me he wanted to see if those concerning lymph nodes were also in other parts of my body. Plus, he said, doing a biopsy of the nodes in my abdomen would be impossible without a big surgery, and it’s much easier to biopsy lymph nodes of the neck. So, off to CT Scan #5. The results came back about a week later and my family doctor called me this time with the news. She told me “Be prepared, you might be sick, Jess.” Apparently my neck was filled with “concerning” lymph nodes, just like the ones in my abdomen. I asked if it could all be mono related and she said it wasn’t likely because the mono should’ve cleared up by then. So..back to the oncologist I go a few weeks later. He told me the same thing as my family doctor, and referred me to an ear, nose, and throat doctor to get his opinion on doing a biopsy of my neck. It’s September by this time, guys.

So, last week, I went to the ENT, who wasn’t even there. I saw his nurse practitioner, who told me that he’d talk to the doctor and get back to me on what we’d do next. I literally spent $40 copay to have him tell me he’d have to wait and talk to the doctor. Seriously. This week, a receptionist from the ENT doctor’s office called me and told me that that the actual doctor “cannot take your case right now. He thinks it is too ‘complex’ and since he only works a few days every other week, he feels you should see someone else, so they can devote more time to your case.” So, I was dumped by my local ENT. And guess what guys? There’s no other ENTs in this area!! So, I’m going to have to be referred to another ENT 1.5-2 hours away from my home. This is absolutely ridiculous.

It’s almost October and I STILL don’t have an answer. I STILL have “concerning” lymph nodes all over my body and I STILL don’t know what’s causing them! I STILL feel like crap most days, but better than I did in the depths of mono. I honestly haven’t felt like myself since November of last year. We’re going on almost ONE YEAR of this crap and I still have no answers. I’m certainly hopeful it’s NOT cancer or anything very serious that’s growing or multiplying inside me, because all of this back and forth bureaucratic doctor BS is making my head spin. I’m now waiting for this new ENT to call me with an appointment, to hopefully do the biopsy of my neck, and to hopefully, finally get a definitive diagnosis! Is this why people, who finally get a diagnosis, are already at their death bed? Or at Stage 4 Cancer? Is this really how health care in this country works? Or am I just choosing the wrong people? I certainly don’t feel like I’m dying and definitely have high hopes it’s nothing too serious, but still. It worries me my family doctor is concerned. When does this end?

In other news, I’m still reeling from last week’s incredible disappointment. I’ve been hugging and kissing my littles a lot more the last two weeks, especially Baby C, who I fear, our time together is short. It’ll all make sense in the end, I know. And I’m hoping the same goes for my health. The court system and the health care system are two things that I’m incredibly frustrated with right now, but I’m hoping and praying, it all makes sense soon. And big hugs and a very heartfelt thank you to everyone who has sent good thoughts, prayers, love, support, and alcoholic beverages my way. You guys make me smile!

Until next time, Mama Jess