#but it's so much less than with lloyd that i don't focus on it as often

[lloydfrontera]

Is there a difference between manhwa javier and novel javier? What is it? I never noticed it because it wasn't obvious like Lloyd's as his was exaggerated and he difference is too noticeable

there are,, some differences yes but nothing as bad as what they did to lloyd.

manhwa javier is a lot more expressive than novel javier. which i suppose is a consequence of manhwa being a visual medium but it can be a bit jarring at times.

novel javier is a lot more subtle and serious, not completely stoic of course, just more even-tempered i suppose. it's not that he doesn't feel things, he does, he's just careful about what he shows or shares with others. he's also very proper and respectful at all times. it's why it's so funny that he's such a little shit when he's just with lloyd, he would never tease and joke and laugh in front of anyone else, this is a side of him that only lloyd gets to see. this is not a guy that would be fighting for his life to keep himself from laughing when in front of other nobles like we see from manhwa javier in episode 80

he's also more... quiet. not in the sense that he doesn't talk, he does, especially with lloyd, it's actually kind of ridiculous how much banter between them has been cut in the manhwa, but the way he expresses himself isn't loud or overly expressive. even at his angriest, he never explodes or raises his voice, instead he gets colder and snappish, lloyd describing it as 'a heavy snowfall', his responses 'cold and icy'.

which, speaking of lloyd, javier is just closer to lloyd in the novel than he is in the manhwa. which is ironic because in the manhwa they actually are more honest with one another than they are in the novel and yet!

a big part of this is that aforementioned cut banter. in the novel these two are always speaking with each other, they're commenting on things, they're sharing their thoughts, they're joking with one another, they just... won't stop talking between them. it is constant. so you very clearly can see them growing closer and slowly becoming friends as much as they won't admit it at first. this is something that i've mentioned before but like,,, javier genuinely likes being around lloyd. he's annoyed about it and he actually throws a tantrum when he realizes he finds lloyd likable but he just can't help it! and he knows that he's also lloyd's closest friend, he even teases him about it! in the novel you completely believe them when they say they're friends because you've seen them grow closer to one another the entire time.

also javier just,,, seems to care more for lloyd in the novel? it's difficult to explain but javier is constantly thinking about lloyd's safety, a part of him is always worrying about keeping him safe. i complained about it before but in the manhwa javier seems to take his responsibility to protect lloyd less seriously than he should. when to javier that's his main worry! even as early as in the llojavi bridge we already get these sort of comments from javier's pov:

Javier finally let out a sigh of relief after knowing that the most dangerous part of the job was now done, and Lloyd was safe. The latter alone was good enough.

like. it's not much. it's nothing big. it's just tiny moments like these sprinkled here and there. but they're constant. whenever there's danger, whenever they're in risk, one of the first things javier always does is to check on lloyd, see if he's okay, if he's safe. the idea that javier wouldn't care for lloyd's safety doesn't even really cross your mind cause. well. you see him constantly worry about it.

fthere were a couple of changed in the bone dragon arc?? but i've talked about those before. they make javier less,,, kind?? helpful?? less of a hero type than he is in the novel. i dunno it's weird.

oh and a big one which i've also talked about before. javier in the novel does care that lloyd replaced the son of his lord. like. that is very much a point of conflict for him. he's not completely indifferent to it, he's genuinely shaken and distressed when he finds out the truth. it's a bit insulting to his character that they changed this. it undercut the extreme character development it took to get javier to this point, the amount of trust and loyalty he has for both arcos and lloyd, it's such an important moment for him and they just. changed it like that. i'm still mad about it akjshdksf

but,,, yeah i think those are the main ones. i guess if you scroll through my tag for him you'll find more info about how he is in the novel but,, i think that about covers it?? the important bits anyway. so... yeah :]

[mafuluzx]

Hello! Idk if it still doing requests but I just needed to get this idea out there: any of the ninja x magician reader where the reader just has the most riskiest performances ever and has people on the edge of their seats (idk it's just been in my head all day for some reason

Of course! I'm not very fast at writing and have a lot of oneshots at work, but I'll try to write this as best as I can. I really liked the magician idea, but mixing it with some 'dangerous' acts would have made this a bit boring. So I toned it down a bit, and took a more comedic approach to the act.

Also, I just couldn't get myself into the idea of having romance in this, because I liked it as just a platonic thingy, but I tried my best! I also chose Kai for the main focus of this thing, so I guess it kinda counts as a Kai x reader??? But mainly it's just a platonic thingy.

Kai x male! reader.

Set in very early season 1, You'll see why.

Better than magic

So here they were, all five of them. Kai, Cole, Jay, Zane, and of course Little Lloyd Garmadon himself. He was the one who thought of this idea to begin with.

Right next to Mega Monster amusement park was now a huge circus tent and countless of stands were set all around it. There was something for everyone. It went from unfair and way too expensive carnival games to booths with shadow plays and even meet-and-greets with puppeteers and their puppets.

The little boy dressed in his favorite skeleton hoodie jumped up and down and led Zane, the one who decided to actually try to watch over the boy, by the hand all around the carnival.

Meanwhile the three others wondered why their Sensei even allowed them to come here in the first place. Oh well, if they're already at a carnival, might as well take it easy.

Jay and Cole for one were having fun.

"Oh my gosh!!! It's a Fritz Donnegan meet and greet!!" "And check out all these games! Hey, Jay, wanna go throw darts?" "Later, maybe. Wait for me, I have to go shake his hand!!" "Jay, look! A cotton candy stall!!There are so many flavors! Cherry, Blueberry, Popcorn-"

"Popcorn? Is that really a good flavor?" Kai wasn't really that excited. He had wanted to take the time to train, make sure he was in good shape. In the end he was still, against his will, dragged here.

"What? If you don't like popcorn, how about the chili flavor?" Cole asked, as Kai scrunched up his face in disgust.

"No thanks."

"Cole, Kai, look at this!!" An excited yell rang out as Jay ran back to the the two ninja. He lifted his hands up and shoved a picture of Cliff Gordon's face with the words 'For Jay Walker', written in fancy cursive letters.

"I got this from him! And guess what? I actually got to shake his hand!" The blue ninja acted like a kid with a sugar high.

"Nice..." Kai didn't even try to sound excited for Jay. Jay's happy smile turned into a pout, but before he could start whining, Cole spoke up.

"Hey, look at that." Cole said as he pointed to a crowd, a small crowd, but a crowd no less, surrounding a small show stage. It wasn't really much.

Jay immediately hopped over to the stage, as Cole walked after him. Kai let out a sigh before following after them, although reluctantly.

The three actually got to the very front, because there weren't many people around the stage. Some only stayed to watch for a second, before moving onto something else.

"Hey, you three!" A sudden voice called out to them from above, and the three ninja all looked up. Even Kai's eyes widened as he saw a boy, wearing a short cape and a top hat hanging upside down on a tightrope.

"Welcome, welcome! Enjoy the show!" The boy took his hat, which surprisingly didn't fall of his head on it's own, and lifted it off his head as a greeting.

The boy didn't stop to chat, as he noticed someone else joined the crowd, and called out to them, giving another greeting to them as well.

Right after that the boy lifted his hands onto the tightrope and pulled himself up and onto his feet on top of it. Standing up, he lifted his hat, before giving a bow to the few people watching.

"It's an honor performing here today! I've always wanted to perform with a tightrope, although my main strengths are, ah... are- Ah, Achoo!" The boy started off with a speech, before sneezing mid way, 'accidentally' making a dove appear on his hand. Some adults laughed while kids stared in awe.

"Sneezing doves, apparently." The comment just added onto the laughter, before the boy covered his hand with his top hat, and upon removing it, there was no dove in sight!

The boy did many generic magic tricks while walking left and right on the tight rope, nothing special. Well, that's what Kai thought, and his displeased face showed it.

Of course ordinary person could walk a thin tightrope just like that, especially while sneezing out doves and occasionally pulling bunnies out their shoes... I really wish I was kidding.

But it seemed like the boy had noticed Kai's boredom, and he smirked. Suddenly the boy stepped past the tightrope, falling off. A few kids gasped, but the boy caught onto the tightrope with one of his hands at the last second.

Although he was still much higher than the crowd, he was a bit closer to them, and his target, Mr. frowning-at-a-magic-show.

"You, wearing red." The boy pointed to Kai with his free hand, as Kai flinched in surprise.

"Me?" He asked as the boy nodded.

"Yeah, you. Wanna play a little game?" The boy asked, this time using his free hand to dig out a single coin from his pocket.

"No thanks, I'm not really into all this magic things-" Kai wanted to refuse, but his two friends quickly caught him off.

"Whoa, really? Kai, this kinda chance doesn't some often!" "Let's play! Let's play, Kai!" Cole and Jay pressured Kai until he ultimately had to agree.

"Fine."

"Great! It's easy, just guess which hand the coin is in." The boy showed Kai the coin, twisting it around to show there was nothing attached to it.

The boy's hold on the tightrope didn't loosen for a second as he threw the coin up, and caught it with the same hand as he had thrown it. Lastly, he blew gently onto his own clenched fist, before speaking up.

"So, which hand?" The crowd was confused, he had thrown the coin up, the caught it. His other hand hadn't moved an inch. It was impossible to get this one wrong.

"Your free hand, obviously?" Kai held in a scoff, as the boy smiled, and opened his hand.

"Correct!" The crowd was even more silent. But not because the magic trick sucked, but because there was no coin in his hand.

"Uh, where's the coin?" Jay spoke up, as the boy blinked, before turning his hand towards himself, before reacting like he didn't know what was going on.

"Ah! Where did it go? Did I drop it? Did you see where it went?" The questions he showed to the little kids in the audience, who shook their heads, not having seen the boy drop anything.

"Hold, on, I'll find it." The boy quickly spoke, before changing his position to instead hang upside down again, but only by his ankles. He even removed one foot and hung with only one foot as he checked his socks and shoes.

It brought a smile on people's faces, and adults and kids both chuckled before the boy's eyes suddenly fixated on Kai.

"Oh, hey, check behind your left ear, would you?" The boy said, changing back to holding on with both feet.

"My ear?" Kai let out, confused, but still raised his left hand to his ear, when he suddenly felt something cold behind it.

Kai stopped for a second, before pulling out a coin from behind his ear. He hadn't even noticed it was there. When had it gotten there?!

"Ah, thanks!" The boy took the coin from the shocked Kai as kids laughed at the red ninja, while an applause rang out for the boy.

"That was awesome!" "Totally! Too bad Lloyd missed that!" Jay and Cole laughed together as Kai finally broke free of his state of shock, and scoffed.

"It's just a magic trick, nothing special." But the boy had heard Kai's complaint loud and clear.

"Oh? Wanna see something better?" The boy spoke, having once again stood up on the rope. But Kai just scoffed again.

"Unless you can do a handstand up there, I don't think you can do any-" Kai was cut off as the boy jumped, grabbed the tightrope, and pulled himself up into a handstand using the slight momentum it gave.

"-better." Kai finished once the boy was in a completely still handstand on the tightrope. The crowd all clapped before (y/n) suddenly swung, and did an actual flip before landing on the stage, before bowing.

"I'll be here all day, so no need to worry! But I'll have to take a ten minute break now! I hope you enjoyed!" He spoke to the large crowd, who all gave an applause once more before they scattered, leaving to do something else.

"Oh, Kai, was it?" The boy asked when the three ninja were about to leave.

"Yeah. I really underestimated you, didn't I?" Kai finally admitted, as the boy gave a small laugh and a nod.

"It's fine, Magician don't usually walk on tightropes to begin with." The boy commented on his own performance as Kai noticed Jay and Cole take off to somewhere else. Probably the weird cotton candy stall.

"But thank you for co-operation, how about I do one more, just for you?" The boy offered, and took his hat off, before offering it to Kai, the bottom facing up.

"Put your hand in." Kai was skeptical, but the boy had been nice to him all this time, although he himself had been rolling his eyes and scoffing at his tricks.

Kai put his hand in, when he felt something, and grabbed it. Pulling his hand out, he saw the thing he had grabbed was rose.

"What's thi-?" Kai couldn't get to ask anything about it though, for he heard Jay and Cole calling his name from further away. The boy smiled, pulling the hat away from Kai and stepping off of the stage.

"My name's (y/n), by the way." The boy also put his hand into the top hat, digging out a business card, and shoving it in Kai's hands.

"Also, your friends are a good audience." (y/n) said, giving Kai's shoulder a pat before the boy left to go on his break.

Kai smirked, before running to his friends with a rose and a business card in his hands.

[graceful-not]

okay wait I've realized what feels weird about everything post-S10. I haven't watched Crystalized or DR yet, so this may change, but... they. Kind of stop having the ninja refer to each other as family. stop having them ACT like family.

Idk, I know a lot of the scenes in the beginning seasons have a lot of big stereotypical "We're a team, and that means we're FAMILY ☺️💖😤✊✊‼️" moments, but like. there are others that are a lot more subtle and subdued, like in Possession, with Kai's "brother sharpens brother" to Cole while they're all encouraging him to jump, and promising that he'll be okay, they're right there to catch him. There are a lot of subtle found family moments (and their family dynamic is. very much a slowburn shdbsjdb I mean other than for Zane. Wu in the beginning says that they're brothers, but that's to get them to apologize to each other, and they don't really start seeing each other as anything other than friends for a while after that.)

But... ESPECIALLY in Seabound, the ninja feel less like a family and more like a disconnected group of friends. They don't feel as close as they usually are. Maybe it's the focus that's put on Jaya and the lack of a strong reaction from the other characters (not just while she's dying, though I am very salty about Kai not getting more focus, but while JAY is dying! They're just standing there!!! they would not be just standing there!!!) and just in general in all of the seasons there's a lot less of them being close and vulnerable with each other and a lot more of. the distance that Friends Who Game Together Sometimes would have.

Like. Case in point about the subtle family stuff, this very short scene in Tournament of Elements that means so much to me;

and Lloyd is saying that to his FATHER!! And not even in the "denouncing my birth family to say my found family is my REAL family" way that's so common! His father and the ninja are ALL family to him, all part of THE SAME family!! They are intertwined!! And this isn't even a big moment or anything (I dislike when shows only pull out the "we're family 😔" line at big dramatic moments) this is just a FACT!! it's just a statement!! Lloyd says it as easy as breathing!! Because the truth of it is as easy as breathing!!

But.. in those newer seasons, they just. don't even subtly support each other like they did in everything before it. Like the aforementioned Cole moment, they're all consistently there for him when he's going through Being A Ghost! And it's not like a Big Thing that they're doing it, because of COURSE they would!! But then everything in S11+ just. doesn't have any of the same cozy domestic unconditional love vibes.

The ninja don't feel like family anymore.

[arezenithofyouthlove]

Congratulation manhwa. You managed to turn hell arc, one of the most emotional parts of the novel, into some half-half shitty ass comedy show. I'm so disappointed I swear. My quick review of current arc, beware of strong language

Chap 112: overuse of Lloyd's face as normal. Javier has better interaction with a demon than with his master???

Chap 113: using the information in the hell Internet with only 40% true to bet for your life is stupid Lloyd. Why don't they just stick to the original where Lloyd knew Helkaro's personality through the Knight of Blood and Iron novel??? Wouldn't that make so much more sense??? All Helkaro's inner thoughts were removed. Javier casually asked Lloyd about his real identity. Urgh Lloyd's faces again 🤢

Chap 114: I don't think in the novel Lloyd acting like that or it's just manhwa adaption. But the fact they draw Lloyd tried to kill a satan crossing the lava river is disgusting. Also Lloyd's face 😮‍💨

Chap 115: the reaper adaptation is fucking stupid if you are asking me. Why didn't the reaper get that dark wizard dude soul from before? So if you practice dark magic you won't be dragged to hell at all? And you can stay on the living realm killing more people??? And the reaper talk with ogLloyd. Please shut up. Pretending to be a meaningful life lesson but it just didn't work. If Suho has system power back in Korea would he still be hardworking? Or will he also get corrupted by it too? That hypothetical question is so stupid. They are trying to make original Lloyd to be less hate-able. Since when did him care about the estate at all? Why do you need to reduce his crime?

Chap 116: this is when I feel they massacre Lloyd's character trait the most. They already did it for a long time but I will focus on this chap. How he treat to ogLloyd is completely different to the novel. Novel Lloyd knew he stole OgLloyd body so he tried to find a way to compensate him back, but manhwa Lloyd just told him to get lost cuz he didn't gain anything from doing that? Suho would never say something like that. Deep inside he is a kind hearted so he always felt guilty and wanted to help ogLloyd if he could. But look at him now? He only helped OgLloyd cuz he think he is a nuisance. Next we have the rail building situation. Lloyd was clearly in the wrong side but he acting like a real scum. He didn't even say sorry and just told the lava monster to accept it? And told Javier to kill it? For real? I can understand in the novel it was self defence since the lava monster didn't accept Lloyd's apologies but I can't make any excuse for his wrong doing in the manhwa. Are they trying to make him look like a jerk as much as possible in front of the satan eyes? Even Javier knew what Lloyd doing was wrong. Lloyd even shoved the satan to the ground while he is running away. Where is his "safety first" rule now? I know they are in hell but he didn't care about life of other at all. Novel Lloyd even built a grave for the unlucky satans died in the lava monster attack in secret but I guess doing that is too ooc with the current manhwa version of him.

Chap 117: Really? They draw Javier having fun by putting Lloyd in danger? Is this really the same Javier who swear he will protect Lloyd with his own life? And let Javier question that? This is just absurd and not funny at all. They are too focusing on drawing "comedy panel" to the point of making a person who already read the novel like me get sick of it. What irritating me is the fact that the adaption team knew they are ruining the novel source just so they can make Lloyd a money-making machine for them. Manhwa good art can't save it completely from a badly written plot lack of character development and interaction.

Chap 118: The summon acting like Lloyd. Also it seems like they forgot Bibelhyung original size is a giant beaver so they just draw the chibi version of him. Lloyd and OgLloyd talk... I wanna to strangle LHM so bad. This is not my Lloyd at all! HE DID NOT TREATING OGLLOYD LIKE THAT IN THE NOVEL. Now helping ogLloyd is just he doing free charity, oh how noble of him is that? Here come Helkaro and thing about system. I can see the adaption team try to make thing more interesting by bullshiting all the stuff about higher-being and upper side but I think it won't come to anywhere. The system is helping Lloyd too much, acting just like a convenient plot armor. This bring me back to the Destiny Point system, another stupid adaption in my opinion. It's an attempt of them to spoiler about the Prince Making Drug sequel, which in turn end up a total plot destroyer. It is literally a free version of Ending Spoiler now since it could notice Lloyd something bad happen in the future. The way it works is also questionable. How long can the butterfly effect last? The way it calculate the number of people life like mere data? Isn't it behaving like a chain sackle Lloyd at a predestined future now? It appeared after Alicia got that eyes but it didn't take that into calculation?

Phew. I will wait for chap 119 to get translated first then continue to vent, unless Tumble shadowban me like last time lol

[jakasnapewno]

Just when you think it can't get any worse... and suddenly a mirror appears

CHAPTER I

------------------------

"Lloyd, hurry up! We're here to scout, not to watch!"

The blond sighed softly, fixing his hair, which decided to make a trip straight to his eyes. He also wrapped himself more tightly in the shirt he was wearing.

Mornings in Ninjago City weren't the warmest, especially at this time of year and where they were. Today, they weren't defeating villains out to annihilate their team or take over the city, but... they were walking around a flea market.

Yes, you read it right.

If they had left at the normal hour, Lloyd would probably have found it a pleasant walk, perhaps even a relaxing one. Unfortunately, the normal time to appear in such a place is early morning, usually when the whole city is still asleep and the air is unpleasantly crisp. Oh, how much he would give to go back to his warm bed and sink into the land of dreams again! It was the first time in a very long time that they could rest without the piercing feeling of danger in their heads.

Going to this market was already one challenge. Another was to keep full focus, because in such a place something can easily happen.

Although... it didn't seem like it at all.

Old furniture placed on the pavement amazed with details carved in wood, which are now in vain to look for in new, much less durable (and certainly lighter) furniture. People were setting up small tables and blankets, on which they put all sorts of things. From small coins and jewelry to milk cans that used to be used instead of glass bottles and then cartons.

In other words, you could find literally anything here.

Lloyd, on the one hand, admired these people because he knew that most of them would have to get up really early and take their seats in order to line up here. But on the other hand... he was aware that some people had no other choice. Some of the sellers came from smaller towns or even villages surrounding Ninjago, and there was no way to make good money there. So often people's lives depended on how well the goods they offered could be sold.

It took Lloyd a moment to realize he was alone.

Slightly panicked, he looked around to find his companions, but couldn't see anyone. Even Kai's gelled hair, and believe me, it was easy to spot in the crowd!

"Excuse me, young man... don't you want to buy something?"

Pulled from his thoughts of finding the team as soon as possible, he looked at the woman who was most likely talking to him.

She was an older person. The fragile creature was sitting on a blanket, which apart from clothes was probably the only thing that separated her body from the cold, stone pavement. Judging by the rather light, probably linen clothes and the worn shawl in her hair, the blond man could guess that she came from one of the provinces. Silver hair was partly coming out of her face, just like Lloyd's a moment earlier. But the eyes...

Her eyes were sharp. Dark, reminiscent of obsidian or the inside of a bottomless well. Seeing that she caught the young man's attention, she smiled.

"Please see what I have here. Maybe you'll like something. she encouraged, pointing to the goods on the sheet of fabric."

Lloyd, more out of kindness than interest, crouched down to give the appearance of searching. To make it more credible, he began to move some objects in his hand.

Old watches with a cracked dial or without a strap. Silver cutlery and bracelets. Black and white photos, slightly worn by time or singed. He knew he would have to wash his hands later because all these things were covered in dust or some other kind of dirt.

Nothing that would...

"Huh?"

The blond's attention was caught by a silver handle, unlike the cutlery (obviously incomplete, but that's a detail). Curious, he reached for it, pulling it out from under the pile of things.

What he initially thought was a decorative envelope knife turned out to be a hand mirror. On the handle was carved a naked woman who seemed to wrap her arms around the mirror. It must have been made of silver, but he didn't know that. And it was as dirty as the rest of the stuff on the blanket.

"Ah, this mirror is very, very old. Passed down from generation to generation in my family." The old woman gave the teenager a smile. " Unfortunately, it broke some time ago and I am forced to sell it."

Really. Only now did Lloyd notice that the glass was broken. There were a few scratches and cracks running through it. There was even a piece missing in one place.

On the one hand, the blonde was somehow captivated by this mirror, but on the other hand, he was not going to buy it. It was damaged, what was it for? And it was silver, so it must have been hellishly expensive, and he didn't have that kind of money on him.

"All you have to do is clean them and replace the mirror. Do you have a loved one who would love such a gift?"

His hand froze as he was about to put down the mirror. Then he remembered that Nya would celebrate her birthday soon, and he had been wondering for a long time what he should give her. She may not have been the type of girl to go overboard with her appearance, but... she was a girl.

So he already had a reason to buy this little trinket. There was a second, more important issue.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I have that much money." admitted the ashamed boy. The old woman was obviously very keen on selling the mirror, but part of her wasn't surprised. It's her way of making money, after all.

"Oh, that's no problem!" The woman said a bit too enthusiastically, waving her hand. "How much you have?"

Why didn't Lloyd's red light go off then? He didn't know, maybe it was the woman's appearance that deceived him? Oh, and the smell. She smelled like mothballs and mothballs, someone like that can't be angry! Right?

The blond dug in the pocket of his sweatshirt first, then his pants. He found about five coins, each with a different denomination. With that, he could have bought a small portion of noodles at Chen's Restaurant, not a silver mirror! It was embarrassing to offer him such an amount.

But the old lady was faster. Seeing the coins, she snatched them from his hand, pressing in an old, dusty mirror instead.

"This will be enough." she smiled pleasantly.

Lloyd stood confused for a moment, as if trying to grasp what had just happened. All he managed to do was say a quiet "Thank you", and then he moved mechanically towards the market exit.

What the hell was that?

"Lloyd, boy, there you are!" He felt a tap on his shoulder and then saw the black hair.

Cole.

"Sorry ... I stared at one stand and then I couldn't find you." admitted a slightly embarrassed blond, hiding his earlier purchase in his hoodie.

"Cool." he threw shortly, after a while leading the blonde to the rest.

By the time they got back to the convent, Lloyd had forgotten about the mirror. Training consumed him completely, and then time together with the team. He returned to his room only in the evening, when it was time for him to sleep.

He noticed a mirror lying on his bed, so having a moment of time, he decided to clean it at least minimally.

The silver casing went first. Fortunately, it was easier to clean than the ninja thought. All it took was toothpaste, an old brush, and a few minutes for the black residue to disappear, revealing a shiny material in the lamplight. He also cleaned the glass, only here the patent with the paste did not work. He had to use window cleaner and be really, really, really careful.

Unfortunately, it didn't do much. At some point, the paper towel he used to clean the mirror tore, and his finger ran over the cracked glass, leaving a cut. He hissed, but some blood had already dripped onto the mirror. He quickly wiped it away, however, and finished cleaning the mirror, finally seeing his own reflection.

He didn't even realize that this little drop of blood would be the beginning of his troubles.

[stageyrebecca]

The Other Palace: The Home Of New Musical Theatre?

I adore The Other Palace. I was lucky enough to see the musical Big Fish (starring Kelsey Grammer) there, which was a reimagining of the Broadway production that predated it just a few years. The theatre is super intimate and a perfect way to launch a new musical due to its thrust stage allowing for more focus on content, rather than set and other luxurious facets full West End runs enjoy.

When I heard Lloyd Webber was selling up, I was worried that we might risk losing what has been an important house for new musicals. Then, Kenwright bought it, which I was a little dubious about as Kenwright hasn't particularly produced many new musicals, I supposed this purchase would remedy that.

But a handful of months into its launch, I'm still unsure.

The theatre re-launched under its new producer with Heathers, a show that has enjoyed a West End run, twice, and a UK tour. Hardly new, but I guess sets the tone for the type of shows that may be staged here. And launching in COVID in December can't be easy, so kicking off with a sure-fire win with the kids can't harm.

However, rumoured next is Eugenius & Be More Chill - two shows that have enjoyed runs in The Other Palace before, with the latter having a run in the West End. All three shows are 'teen' oriented, which is great for bringing in this audience, but I'm not sure they're offering enough for a theatre that calls itself The Home of New Musical Theatre?

Be More Chill is getting on for ten years old, and Eugenius isn't too far behind. If the 'The Home of New Musical Theatre' means they're casting new talent, and hiring new directors, and bringing in fresh creatives then fair - I look forward to them shining on stage and backstage. But to brandish it as 'New Musical Theatre' is currently questionable.

Now, I'm far from a theatre producer, and much less a theatre owner. But if it were me, I'd pull another Big Fish. Launch a new show with new creative reimagining, chuck in a brilliant stunt cast so audiences go see it and talk about it! Word of mouth is underrated in this industry. I don't always believe in stunt casting, but with the right people, it can really work like it did with Big Fish. I can almost promise I'd not have seen this show without Kelsey Grammer (thanks to a Frasier obsession...).

I personally don't even think things that are shown at The Other Palace even need the end goal of becoming the next best show in the West End; sometimes the most brilliant shows are those that are shown in a short run by small theatre companies. But if the next best thing doesn't have the opportunity to get workshopped because older shows are filling the houses designed for them, where are they to go? Isn't that what The Other Palace is for?

Maybe the rumours aren't true, and maybe TOP will garner a suite of excellent new shows after the pandemic doesn't feel so touch and go. But, I personally totally would love to see some new shows since the West End is jam-packed with Broadway transfers and movie musicals.

I look forward to being proved wrong!

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 14

post directory

obsetress:

obsetress: viola

em: holy shit

em: i think viola could hold a truly ridiculous number of things in her hands

em: danis like i have a little fanny pack right here- and violas like (turns up nose) absolutely not

obsetress: pre therapy viola during her relationship w dani: buys dani a birkin too, is like "here baby, so you don't have to use that fanny pack"

obsetress: dani's like "oh. i, um. like my fanny pack"

obsetress: viola therapy era after her relationship with dani: buys her a hermes fanny pack instead

obsetress: jamie rolls her eyes but dani is literally

em: i think a lot abt viola offering solutions completely unprompted n then being really offended when ppl dont take her up on it

em: pre therapy obvs

obsetress: SAME

obsetress: oh link is gross

obsetress: cost is grosser

obsetress: but viola lloyd dropping $2550 on a fanny pack for her ex gf? chefs kiss

---

obsetress: ok just remembered viola slouching or leaning or w/e n like

obsetress: brain practically applying that to exes au and imagining when and where she'd slouch n everyone's reactions to htat

obsetress: bc like she has perfect posture but when she chooses to do it it's a power move

obsetress: and i. hm

em: yeah

obsetress: viola sitting up stock straight when they first get to brunch and as soon as she's ordered her bloody mary shes pulling off her sunglasses and dropping them on the table and just sinking back

em: how to phrase this w/o sounding too much like a whore

em: actually no way to say this but like i feel v strongly abt the way we make women take up less space wrt to knees together calves touching type deal and i think maybe

em: maybe viola can manspread a bit as a treat

em: hate that term but i cant think of a better one

obsetress: nah she does n it's hot

obsetress: just had this image pre divorce of viola and arthur at marriage counseling on opp ends of the couch n arthur's sitting v tight close and vi is just

obsetress: leaning and spreading a lil

obsetress: the first time jamie sees her do it she's so taken aback

obsetress: because she's NOT expecting it

em: jamies like ah ok late in life lesbian deal and then jokes on her viola is fluent in dyke slouch

obsetress: jamie immediately trying to suss out just how long viola has been fucking women

obsetress: she says to dani later "i thought she was all proper like" and dani's like "she is" and jamie's like "so wot was that then" and dani's like "well, people are gay, jamie,"

em: ghfjhgljkJFDASJKKJFGA

em: jamies like so wait how long HAS viola been

obsetress: jamie: so you were vi's first serious girlfriend right? dani: dani: jamie: right???????

em: violas been fucking women longer than jamie has lbr

em: i mean shes clearly only 35, jamie,

obsetress: jamie: so... vi... viola: hm? jamie: you're, uh, gay, right? viola: obviously jamie: right. well dani told me you've been dating women since–– viola: since i was 15, yes jamie: but you married a man

em: violas like u went to jail everyone does stupid shit occasionally

em: jamie: so how long have you been dating women viola: since i was 15 jamie: no i meant like. in years viola raises her eyebrows and jamies just like haha nevermind fuck

obsetress: she tried!

obsetress: she tried

em: jamie on her 35th birthday pencilling 'many happy returns' into violas ????th 35th birthday card

em: yknow i think

em: i think something's afoot

obsetress: jamie, giving up on the direct approach

obsetress: slipping in next to rebecca at the wine bar

obsetress: "becca"

obsetress: "hi, jamie" "hi. how old is your girlfriend"

em: am fucking losing it thinking abt jamie like. realising how much gay energy viola has

em: like taken ABACK

obsetress: fksljfLKSDJFLJ

obsetress: just like

obsetress: why are jamies reactions to viola so funny

obsetress: montage of jamie realizing how much gay energy viola has

obsetress: jamie watching viola sitting

obsetress: jamie watching viola pick up a variety of glasses and mugs

obsetress: jamie watching viola compare hand sizes with dani, jamie's girlfriend and viola's ex girlfriend who she dated for literal years and whose hand size she definitely already knows

em: NOT THE HAND SZIES

em: they go for a walk and viola immediately complains about the sun and jamie's like

em: i have a spare hat but ur not gonna like it

em: its a snapback that says daddy or smthn in gold, owen got it for jamie for her bday, jamie Loathes it

obsetress: BYE

obsetress: viola looks better in it than jamie does

em: jamie has that

em: am i attracted to viola? moment

em: it passses

em: she has already compartmentalised the weird psychosexual power play

em: queen of compartmentalising

obsetress: jamie: had another one of those moments today dani: what moments? jamie: where i thought i might be attracted to vi dani: well, you did let her fuck you... what was it, four? times in one night, so

em: jamie; yeah but like that aside

em: jamie 'thats neither here nor there' taylor

obsetress: she is the queen of compartmentalizing tho

em: i was gonna be like. 'jamies like wait i dont remember saying four' but. i think she would tell dani

em: because the flip of that is dani callin up vi n i dont think she would necessarily

obsetress: i think she would and dani would make her anyway

obsetress: well make her is harsh but

obsetress: dani would very curiously ask in very convincing ways

em: lovingly coax it out of her

em: dani: what if i fucked you four times in o

obsetress: dani: let me do five

em: viola probably wears so many rings jamie doesn’t even clock the ever present thumb ring

obsetress: jamie just. writes it all off

em: am laughing abt like. viola v meticulously taking off every single ring and putting it in its proper location before...

obsetress: there is something. so hot about that

obsetress: im gonna scream i think

em: i was just meming and now im thinking abt it and

em: truly played myself

em: actually this is me refusing to unpack whatever the hell theo crain gloves made me feel

obsetress: sdkfmsldjfa

obsetress: fair

em: sublimate it into rings

obsetress: i just like um

obsetress: thinkin about when she and dani are together and like

obsetress: it's intentional and everything has its place but vi also makes a show out of it

obsetress: and like

obsetress: she's SO painstaking about it and definitely makes dani wait a little bit and

em: helps dani outta her big ass earrings

em: i mean dani doesnt even Need the help

em: viola meticulous lloyd

em: i mean she just wears so much goddamn jewellry

obsetress: she can tell when dani's getting impatient and goes even slower

em: viola has like

em: viola is one of thos ppl thats really into expensive watches

obsetress: !!!!!!

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: nice lil canon nod too

em: she drags dani to antique auctions n danis like i cant. actually tell the difference between the real and the forgery and violas like (passionately explains it for like 30 minutes) and dani is

em: like shes mentally checked out but also v intensely watching violas hands as she points to the parts of the watch

em: rebecca gets it tho

em: rebecca Gets It

obsetress: dani shoving vi into the bathroom at the auction house and tugging vi's hand between her legs v rebecca grabbing her own auction paddle and bidding against viola for the same watch

obsetress: (rebecca n vi fuck in the car on the ride home)

em: dani grabs a paddle n mimes spanking viola n then the auctioneer is like '$250 to 201' and danis like aw Fcuk

em: violas like i cant take u Anywhere

obsetress: dani gives her the 🥺😌and viola's immediately over it and pulling out $250

obsetress: dani: i didn't even want it, i was just–– vi: i know dani: what am i even gonna do with a–– vi: i'll sell it for $500 at a private auction next week dani: so technically i'm making you money dani, grinning: it's like i'm your employee dani: do you have any more assignments for me, boss? vi: dani get your hand out of my pocket i need to focu––

[unqueenlybiscuits]

Ain't no pie like mah mather's chicken parm.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)  (IN GERMAN ACCENT) What's up? I'm Brüno.  (LAUGHING)  I live in Austria's coolest city, Vienna.No big deal. Whatever.  I am the host of Funkyzeit,  the most important TV fashion showin any German-speaking country,  apart from Germany.  Funkyzeit is über influential.  In fact, Austrian fashionistas live their livesaccording to my "In or Out" list.  In! Autism.  Aus. Chlamydia.  Why is autism so cool at the moment?  - Because it's funny.- Great.  BRÜNO: Through Funkyzeit,ich have done interviews  mit everyone in the Euro-fashion world.  Can you look into this camera and just say,  "You're watching Funkyzeit mit Brüno"?  You are watching Funkyzeit programmewith Brüno, and it's really a great show.  Yeah, that's cool. Can you do it, like,even more like a kind of black guy?  You know, like an afrikanischer...  - Like this?- Yeah, yeah, yeah.  You are watchingFunkyzeit programme with Brüno.  Yo, man. Fuck, man. Welcome to the jungle.  Something maybe a bit more crazy.  Maybe show a bit of skinor something like that.  - No, I don't think so.- Or what about just like one Kugelsack?  One of the balls?  No.  And the most excitingand amazing thing in the town,  from the fashion streets of Milan,only for the German girls, my great hairs.  Yo, man.  Modelling, a lot of people think it's easy.  But it's the hardest job in the world, isn't it?  It's very hard. Standing in heels all day,and everyone's watching you,  so you have to make sure your walk is good.And, yeah.  Yeah, it's really hard,'cause you've gotta remember, like,  to put your right leg forwardand then put your left leg forward  and then, like, which one now?  Right leg again, and then, like, the left one.And then sometimes you even have to turn.  Yeah. And especially the turn. It's so scary.  BRÜNO: Being the host from Funkyzeit  means Brüno's alwaysseated on the front row.  Hi. How are you?  You have to lose some weight.  - The kettle is calling the pot black.- Oh, yeah?  Put your shoulders back.This is a fashion show, not a slave auction.  BRÜNO: Mein personal assistant,Kookus, is my rock.  He's also mein stylist.  - Do you think the glasses are too much?- Yeah, I'd lose them.  They're too much like, "Look at me.  "Hey, everybody, look at me.Look at my glasses."  - Yeah.- "Everybody, like, stare at my glasses."  BRÜNO: He's also my nutritionist.  (RETCHING)  Yeah, that is good.  BRÜNO: I have a second assistant,but ich can't remember its name.  Brüno has known true love twice in his life.  Once, for seven minutes with Millifrom Milli und Vanilli. No big deal. Whatever.  But for the last nine years,ich have been head über heels in love  mit a pygmy flight attendant called Diesel.  We're just like an ordinary couple,you know, boring, stay-at-home types.  (GROANS)  (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)  - Oh, my God. I feel it. You're getting so big.- (MOANING) Ja.  (LAUGHING)  DIESEL: Ooh!  - How much do you want?- Just half a glass. Otherwise I get too giggly.  BRÜNO: In September 2008,I left for Milan Fashion Week  to shoot a new season of Funkyzeit.  Brüno had backstage access forthe hottest show of the week, de la Prada.  So I wore the jewel of mein wardrobe,a suit made entirely out of Velcro.  (PEOPLE CHATTERING)  I'm wearing this.  This is a prototype.It's a Velcro suit made by Frederic Worms.  - Wow.- Pretty cool, right?  It is. I was looking at it, and can I have one?  - Well, it's a prototype. It's a one-off.- Okay.  - Thank you.- Yeah. Okay...  - Also... Yeah.- Can you go out, please?  We'll get out, but don't push me.  Yeah. Okay, no listen.We haven't finished the thing.  - You go out now.- Yeah.  Yeah, wait a second.  Take... Get this off...  Stop!  (PEOPLE CLAMOURING)  - Thank you.- Can someone help this guy?  Can you take...  (CROWD MURMURING)  BRÜNO: Wait. Get me out of this.Get me out of this.  (CROWD BOOING)  BRÜNO: Brüno was aus.  For the second time in a century,  the world had turnedon Austria's greatest man  just because he was brave enoughto try something new.  - No.- Okay.  BRÜNO: Brüno was schwarz-listed.  - I'm on the front row.- I don't think so.  (MALE GUARD SPEAKING)  I'm sorry.  BRÜNO: Und worst of all...  Hello?  (MAN CHATTERS ON PHONE)  ...ich was fired from Funkyzeit.  Ich realised that night that the fashion worldwas superficial und vacuous.  So, I decided instead to go to Los Angelesto become a celebrity.  Ich was going to bethe biggest Austrian superstar since Hitler.  What? I'm not coming.  - Why not?- Because you out. You humiliate me.  - I'm so sorry I humiliate you.- Okay. Gotta go.  Bye, baby, I love you.  Diesel, I love you. Diesel.  (BLOWING NOSE)  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)  BRÜNO: Ich arrived in LA  und cunningly avoidedbeing snapped by the waiting paparazzi.  BRÜNO: No photos, please.Do you want another Diana on your hands?  BRÜNO: Mein Plan was to become  the biggest gay movie starsince Schwarzenegger.  Maximum Santzgaut!  Also, ich headed to my first meetingmit a Hollywood über agent.  So my name's Brüno.I was born in Klagenfurt.  I'm 19 years old. And, of course,you'll know me as the host of Funkyzeit.  Okay. Well, I understandthat you took a look at a side  that I wanted you to think aboutfrom the Jerry Maguire show.  And I wouldn't mindhearing you try that out.  Okay, great.  - "Jerry enters."- No.  - "Dorothy seated."- Just start with the word "hello."  "Hello. Hello.  "I'm looking for my wife!  - "Shut up, women." That was improvisation.- Fine.  "I couldn't hear your voiceor laugh about it with you."  (LAUGHING)  - All right, let me stop... Wait.- No, wait, wait. I...  Let me stop for two minutes.Let me stop you right there.  Nowhere in the script does it say  he pauses for an inordinate period of time.  You're here becauseyou are looking to do feature films.  I wanna be a star.  - In?- In a huge Hollywood movie.  - Can you make that happen?- No.  - What?- I definitely cannot.  BRÜNO: But he did get me a starring rolein a top TVshow as an extra.  DIRECTOR 1: All right, picture's next.Last looks, please.  (SIGHS)  CREW MEMBER: Set.  DIRECTOR 1: Background.DIRECTOR 2: Action.  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,  it gives me no pleasure at allto speak to you this afternoon.  (BRÜNO CLICKING TONGUE)  The defendant, as you know,  has served our municipalityfor more than 12 years as city controller.  So I was pained to learn that his debts  compelled him to accepthundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes.  - DIRECTOR 1: Cut!- (WHISPERING) Just do a little bit less.  - More or less?- Less.  - Less. Okay.- Yeah.  (WHISPERING) Sure. Thank you.  (CLEARS THROAT)  CREW MEMBER: Set.DIRECTOR 2: Action.  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,  I'm afraid it gives me no pleasure at allto speak to you this afternoon.  As you know, the defendant hasserved our municipality as city controller  for more than 12 years,  and I have known him personallyfor most of that time.  So I was very pained to learn that  his personal debtscompelled him to accept bribes.  - DIRECTOR 1: Cut!- Here, I'll take that.  - Okay.- Thank you.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  BRÜNO: Sorry.  DIRECTOR 1: Should we just go again?DIRECTOR 2: Okay.  (SIGHS)  As you know, the defendant  has served this municipalityas city controller for more than 12 years,  and I have personally known himfor most of that time.  That is why I was very pained to learn...  Cut. Sorry, I'm not feeling this one.Could we go again?  This way.  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  You were actually my second choice.  I was going to go to the salon that maintainsSalma Hayek's inner thighs,  but the team that do it were booked upfor the next four days  because she's got the Elle Style Awards.  And they said they're, like, really,really exhausted after they do her.  They're exhaustedafter they wax Salma Hayek?  She must have a lot of hair.  They say that after a waxing,there's enough to stuff a mattress.  Well. Speaking of rectums,let's get you clean.  - Okay. There we go.- There's not much.  Yeah, sure.  (RIPS)  There you go. Now there's wax in there.  (CELL PHONE RINGING)  Telephone.  - Hello?- Hey, how you doing, man?  Lloyd, hi. How are you?  I just got off the phone with the network.They've agreed to do a screening.  Great! Das is all maximum Santzgaut!  In two days. I got them to payfor a focus group for the show.  I think you just scraped my anus.  WAXER: I did. I got you clean.  BRÜNO: My stinker is slightly burning.Is that normal?  What?  No, that was to the lady who is...I'm in the salon, yes.  She's just washing my Arschwitz.  LLO YD: Is there any way we can getsomething together enough to put it on?  - Okay, sure.- All right. I'm gonna call them right now.  Are you using Vaseline?  WAXER: No, lotion.  BRÜNO: Could you take your fingerout of my Arschenholer?  All right. I think, guys, we're finished.  Once again, "Can you take my finger,your finger out of my ass,"  is what the guy just said on the phone.  No, Lloyd, I was not speaking to you.I was just talking to the woman here.  Who's got the audio?  I want to hear the audio back.I want you to hear...  I want you to hear what this fool is saying.  Play it back. Talking about what?His asshole.  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (HUSHING IN GERMAN)  Can you be quiet?  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  Hello, hello. Hey, can you come in?  Do any of you guyswant to make some more money?  (WHISTLES)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  - Hi. How are you?- Hi.  - I'm Brüno. Great to have you here.- It's nice to meet you.  Come and sit on our great furniture.  These are our Mexican chair people.  Demi Moore has two of them in her house.  Yeah, if you sit here.  If you sit on that one.  Also, so tell me aboutyour humanitarian work.  How important is it for youto help other people?  It's like the air that I breatheand the water that I drink.  - Please, have some water.- It is extremely, extremely important for me.  You give love to other peopleand you get love back in spades.  And I just feel like that's been my life.  Great. You must be hungry.Let's bring in some food.  Oh, my God.  BRÜNO: Have some.ABDUL: Yeah, this is really bad for me.  I'm sorry. This is really not good.  We're leaving.  BRÜNO: Come back, please.Can you please come back?  LUTZ: Yes, yes, I understand.But I was thinking...  Okay, but... Okay. Okay. Okay.  Yes. Thank you.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SIGHS) Minimum Santzgaut.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  Puffy Vater?  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  Reese Witterspinzel?  Stevie Wunderbar?  Wilhelm Schmidt?  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  Bradolf Pittler?  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  I think this focus group is really gonna be  a very interesting exampleof how it's gonna play out.  I actually got an interview mit Harrison Ford.  - Very good. Very good.- Yes.  So, you probably already know, todaywe're going to be looking at a new TV show,  A-List Celebrity Max Out mit Brüno.  - Howdy, I'm Lloyd Robinson.- Lloyd, Denny Bond.  Hi. Hi. Great.  Me und Lloyd, we haven't actually spokesince the other day  when I was getting my anus bleached.  (ALL LAUGHING)  We won't go there, please.  - We won't go there. Yeah.- That was a very  difficult issue on the phone.  And it's very importantwhat scores you give it,  because if the show scores over an 85º%,  the network's obviouslygonna be very interested. So take a look.  - Absolutely.- Congratulations.  BRÜNO ON TV: Who's ready to max outwith loads of celebrities? I am.  Because das ist A-List Celebrity Max Out.  (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)  - BRÜNO ON TV: How are you?- Great. Thank you for having me.  Okay, so this is the part of the show,  it's called Future Kinder.People who are pregnant,  we've managed to get the ultrasound photos.  - It's totally great.- Okay.  - What's her name?- Jamie Lynn.  Jamie Lynn Spears.I mean, is she a celebrity?  No.  (LAUGHING)  Okay, let's seewhat she's got in her stomach.  All right. What do you think there?Is that a white-trash foetus?  Yeah. Totally.  She's got her arms up like she's a A-lister.  Newsflash, you're in a C-lister's womb.Am I right?  Worse. I think, like, D.  Do you think this kid is retarded?  Definitely the hands look way too big,  and the ears, like,have not been developed yet.  - Yeah, so keep it or abort it?- Abort it.  (SIGHS)  Und now, my exclusive interviewmit Harrison Ford  is only moments away.But first, some more dancing mit Brüno.  (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)  That's right.It's the time you've all been waiting for.  It's my one-on-one,exclusive interview mit Harrison Ford.  - Also, here I am mit Harrison Ford.- Fuck off!  (LAUGHING)  What's that?  (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)  That's actually mine.  - More champagne?- No, I'm fine, thanks.  Brüno!  The end bit was Lloyd's idea.  The last bit was? Lloyd's?  So if you coulddescribe this show in one sentence...  Can anybody give me one sentence?  - Go ahead.- The worst piece of crap I have ever seen.  There's always one who's against it. Those...  In any group, there's always one.  What sick human being came upwith something like this?  Well, there's always two.There's always two.  I wanted to poke my eyes outwith hot needles.  You'd have to borrow the needles from me.  Lloyd, we need to distract him  - from listening to this.- You can't. You can't.  - We need to distract him.- You can't.  - Kiss me.- No.  No logical personwould consider a show like this  unless they hadsome sort of a mental or moral defect.  WOMAN: Everything.  Oh, my God.  BRÜNO: Let me have a look at those.  "The host is a talentless idiot."  Is this the dancing of a talentless idiot?  - I would say that it is.- MAN: Yeah, yeah.  Please, where you going?  Please, this is my career.I put all my money into this.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN)  I'm here with Congressman Ron Paul,  who was the 2008 presidential candidate.  So tell me, who are you wearing?  Well, I don't even knowbecause it's pretty conventional.  And I'm pretty, in that sense, pretty ordinary.  But the message is not ordinary.  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  Sure.  - Do you want some champagne?- I don't care for any. No.  There's no ice bucket,but I know a good place to put it.  (LAUGHS)  Yeah, you were great in there.Have you done a lot of television before?  Well, off and on throughout the years.This last year, a tremendous amount.  - Sure.- I do a lot of them.  Do you want some strawberries  - or maybe some oysters?- No, I'm okay.  I'm gonna light some candles if it's okay.  Really loosens you up.  Has anyone ever told youyou look like Enrique Iglesias?  Of course not. You're much cuter.  (LAUGHS)  I love music.  (DANCE MUSIC PLAYINGON STEREO)  And dancing. I used to be a dancer.  (CLEARS THROAT)  Whoops.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  - All right! Get out of here!- What?  - All right, this has ended.- BRÜNO: What's going on?  PAUL: That guy is queerer than the blazes.He took his clothes off. Let's get going.  - WOMAN: What happened?- He's queer. He's crazy.  He put a hit on me. He took his clothes off.  BRÜNO: I couldn't even schtupp RuPaul.  How would I become weltfamous?  Ich decided to seek advicefrom the wisest guy I'd ever known.  I wanna speak to Milli  from the pop dance group Milli und Vanilli.  Is he in heaven?And if so, is he in the VIP section there?  He says he's in a placewith green trees and flowers.  Can I ask him if he has any advice for me?  (EXHALES)  He says there's some sort of thing that youwill set up, like a foundation or something,  where there will be other people involvedthat will benefit.  Okay, that's a great idea, 'cause if I do that,then I'll definitely become world famous.  Absolutely.  There's something that he could dothat could make me incredibly happy.  - Can I kiss him now?- Of course.  (SPITS)  (MUMBLING)  (SNORTS)  (GAGGING)  (GROANING)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (PANTS)  Well, good luck with your life.  BRÜNO: Thanks to Milli,ich could now see clearly  despite having an eyeful of Schpunken.  Charity was a great way to become famous.  Also, Brüno just needed to findthe hottest world tragedy to fix.  I want a charity that doesn't involvetoo much effort,  but is gonna really make a difference,you know, really put me into the A-list.  Is there something that you, like,that you believe in?  Well, I'm really into issues.  Yeah. Global warming's only getting worse.  - So...- Great.  Now, I think that would be...That's something to get involved now,  so, we can just help ease the...  Like, after us, in order to help for our future.  In order for everyone... It's justa beneficial thing to be involved with now.  I'm really into doing somethingmaybe for Africa.  - Okay.- Is that still cool or...  Saving some kind of extinct animal.What's going extinct right now?  - I don't know, like elephants or something.- And then make bracelets?  That's so bad. Never mind.I was gonna say make bracelets out of a...  Make bracelets out of the extinct animal?  That's not gonna really work though,because you need the...  You can't take from the extinct animal.  What's the coolest type of charityto get into at the moment?  Save Dafar?  - Save what?- Save Dafar.  - Save Dafar, yeah.- Angelina Jolie.  Is that in, like, Iraqi or something like that?  Yeah, that's in the... It's in... Yeah.  Yeah.  Is there anywhere in the worldthat no celebrity has tried to fix?  Darfur is the big one now.  - Yeah, no, it is.- What's the new one? What's Dar-five?  - Yeah.- Yeah.  BRÜNO: Ich was going to become famousby solving a world problem.  But which one?  Clooney's got Darfur.  Sting's got the Amazon,and Bono's got AIDS.  Luckily, there was still one shitholeleft to fix,  the Middle-earth.  Mein Plan was to get both sides to signa peace deal in front of the world's press,  making Brüno über famous.  Hi, I love your hat. It's great.  (BRÜNO SPEAKING SPANISH)  Hey, great. Is that Marc Jacobs?  (MAN YELLING)  BRÜNO: Lutz! Lutz! Start the car!  Lutz!  Why are you so anti-hummus?  I mean, isn't pita bread the real enemy?  You're confusing Hamaswith hummus, I believe.  - Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas.- Do you think  there is a relationbetween Hamas and hummus?  So was the founder of Hamas a chef?  He had created the foodand then got lots of followers.  Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas.It's a food. Okay? We eat it. They eat it.  It's vegetarian. It's healthy. It's beans.  Well, do you both agree on that?  We both agree that hummus is very healthy.  So we're making progress.  Let's try and get a solution, right?  'Cause I'm not gonna be here forever.Will you, the Palestinians,  agree to give the pyramids backto the Israelis?  This is in Egypt. Not in Palestine.  I don't care where you put them.Give them back.  This is about gaining somethingfor your own people  whether you believe it,whether you were convinced to do that.  - But in any case...- All right, okay. Take it easy, girlfriend.  - All right.- SELA: Civil rights...  BRÜNO: If I did not get these queens to signa peace deal soon,  I would not become famous.  So I decided to think outsidethe Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung.  I've written a song that I thinkis gonna help us make peace.  In fact, I know it will.  (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)  (SINGING) I've written a song  that I hope is gonna bring you two together  It's time for this war to end  Jews and Hindus, you be friends  This is the Middle East  Creating love is my mission  Don't kill each other  Shoot a Christian  Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace  Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace  Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace  Yeah, a bit more than that.  BRÜNO: Ich was out of options.  My song hadn't worked, und I didn't haveenough ecstasy for everyone.  Ich was ready to give upwhen I suddenly remembered something  that the Jude had said.  SELA: In the last few years,people were kidnapped,  and then they wouldbroadcast it to the whole world.  - To the whole world?- Yeah.  So what, the whole world gets to see  - these hostage videos?- Of course. Of course.  BRÜNO: Ich would become famousby getting kidnapped.  I am going to say somethingthat is gonna get you so angry  that if you've got a gun on you,you're gonna pull it out  - and shoot me in the head. Are you ready?- Yeah.  Your hair is sun damaged.  (MALE TRANSLATORSPEAKING ARABIC)  I'll be honest with you. I want to be famous.  And I want the best guys in the businessto kidnap me. Al-Qaeda is so 2001.  I don't like.  Can I give you guys a word of advice?  Lose the beards, because your King Osama  looks like a kind of dirty wizardor a homeless Santa.  (SPEAKING ARABIC)  (TRANSLATOR SPEAKING ARABIC)  (SPEAKING ARABIC)  TRANSLATOR: Get out. Get out now.  BRÜNO: Ich was encouragedto leave the Middle East.  But Brüno had a new plan.  It involved stopping off in Africa  on the way home for a little bit of shopping.  (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN)  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  BRÜNO: Mein little afrikanischerFreund was going to get me  on the cover of every magazine.  Also, ich hired a top photographer  und held a casting forthe hottest baby photo shoot ever.  (CAMERA CLICKING)  We're gonna do like this religious theme  where my baby is gonna beon a crucifix playing Jesus  even though my baby's black.So it's pretty cool, no?  That's cool.It's kind of like that Madonna video.  Yeah, it's really edgy.You know, we're turning it on its head.  Why not? Come on. Whatever.  So. We're looking for two thievesto be on the crucifixes next to my baby.  Would you be ready for your babyto be strung up on a crucifix next to mine?  Fine. Yeah, I don't mind herbeing up on a crucifix.  Sure.  Is your baby comfortable with bees,wasps and hornets?  George is comfortable with everything.He's fine.  Is he comfortable with deador dying animals?  Yes.  Great.  Amateur science?  What do you mean by that?  You know, some untrained peopleconducting scientific experiments.  - Should be fine.- You know,  her mixing the pots of acid and that type...  - Okay.- And so it's a yes.  - Yes.- Great.  Is she okay withextremely rapid acceleration?  (LAUGHING) Yes.  - Okay.- Yes.  Does she always have to be in a car seat,or can she just, like, freestyle it?  Yeah. You can freestyle it,put her in a car seat. Whatever.  If it looks better without the car seat...  Of course. Of course.  So what? You're travelling fast.You're not gonna kill it.  Of course. Of course.  Is your baby finewith antiquated heavy machinery?  Yeah, she's fine. She's been around that.  Would she be fine to operate them?  - Yes.- Great.  Is your baby fine with lit phosphorus?  Yes.  Excellent. Does he like it?  - Loves it.- Good.  A little sensitive subject here.How much does she weigh?  She's about 30 pounds.  - Thirty pounds.- Yes. Approximately.  Can Olivia lose 10 pounds in the next week?  In the next week, seven days.  Yeah. I'd have to do whatever I could.  If there's a problem losing the weight,  would you be ready to have Oliviaundergo liposuction?  If that was a last resortand she didn't lose the few pounds,  then, yeah, we'd have to do that.  Great. Fantastisch news.  We have chosen your babyto be dressed as a Nazi officer  pushing a wheelbarrow with another babyas a Jew in it into an oven.  Into an oven?  Congratulations. How do you feel?  - Great, if she got the job. That's great.- Yeah.  (SINGING LULLABY IN GERMAN)  (BOTH SINGING IN GERMAN)  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  O.J., you're going to be on television.  (RAP MUSIC PLAYINGON HEADPHONES)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (EXCLAIMS)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (HONKS)  Welcome back to Today with Richard Bey.  Now, our next guest is a single parent.Please welcome Brüno.  (AUDIENCE CHEERING)  Where are you from?  I'm from Austria.  Austria. And what are your impressionsof the American people?  You see a lot of them out here.  I gotta say, I love American people,and I love African-American people.  You're the best. You guys are the best.  All right, all right.Now, you are a single parent.  - Yeah.- Most people think that a child  should have two parents.  It is, like, really difficult, you know,  bringing up a child without another parent.Am I right?  - Right.- Right.  I'm hoping that I don't grow old alone.Am I right?  WOMAN 1: True that. True that.  I'm hoping that I find Mr Right. Am I right?  - No!- No!  WOMAN 2: No, no, no, no, no.  Well, honey, you need to get it together.Sugar, you're lost and confused.  - BEY: All right, now...- Listen, you're just jealous  'cause you know I can get any guy here.  WOMAN 3: Go get them!  (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING)  BEY: You brought your son here today?  - BRÜNO: That's right.- Can we see your son?  Yeah, sure.  MAN: No. No.  BEY: All right, this is...  (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING)  - What?- Where did they allow you  to get your baby from?Is your baby from Australia?  I was in the Middle East, like,solving the crisis there.  No big deal. Whatever.  And I flew back here to America,  und I stopped over in this countrycalled Africa, right?  Africa is a continent, not a country, baby.Get it right.  Well, it is full of African-Americans.  It's full of Africans.It's full of people of African descent.  No. That's a racist thing to call them.African-Americans is the right word.  No. African-Americans are here.  (AUDIENCE DISAGREEING)  No, they're calledAfrican-Americans, girlfriend.  No, fool.  BEY: All right. So how did you find your son?  I swapped him.  WOMAN 1: You swapped him?WOMAN 2: What?  (AUDIENCE CHATTERING)  Swapped the baby for what?  - For an iPod.- What?  (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)  Not just any iPod.  One that was, like, limited edition, red.A U2 iPod. Heard of it?  BEY: All right, but wait a second.You are the baby's father now.  And you chose to dress that baby upin a T-shirt that says what?  Gayby.  That's not the baby's name, is it?  No. I gave him, like,a traditional African name.  So what's the baby's name?  O.J.  (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING)  BEY: Stand up, please.  I think you're using him as an accessory.  I think maybe because he's a black babythat might be your cue,  like how some people walk in the parkwith dogs to pick up girls,  that might be your cueto get maybe a down-low brother.  I don't know. What do you think?  I gotta be honest. He's a real dick magnet.  (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING)  You brought some photographsthat you took with the child because...  I guess to demonstratehow much you love the child.  We're going to put them up on this screen.  That's the first shot.  (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)  Let's see the next picture.  You're gonna burn in hell for that one.  That's some mess.  All right. Do we have another photo,or is that the last one?  There we go.  What is going on here?  If I'm having fun,I want little O.J. to come with me.  I want him to have fun with me.  BEY: Hold on. Hold on. What's that?  - What is that?- BRÜNO: Someone's scared.  - BEY: You're making the audience leave.- They are scared of the truth.  Yes, ma'am? Stand up, please. Go ahead.  Listen, I don't see how you can even walkout of here with that baby in your hands  without someone stopping youand taking that baby out of your possession.  All right, well, you know,there is a finale to this talk show.  Please welcome Shatonya Migginsfrom the State Child Services Department.  Take the baby.  What would be the opinion,the legal opinion of the state,  which is empowered to look after childrenand their welfare?  This child is here illegally.  No, it's not. I made a deal with the mother.  And at this time, we're taking the childinto protective custody.  - You are not doing that. You're not taking...- MIGGINS: The child is going...  Get off me. That is my baby.  Give him back! Give me my baby back!  Give me my baby! Give him back!  Come on! Back!  Give me my baby back!  O. J! Give me my baby! Give me my...  Give me my baby! O. J!  O. J!  O. J! Give me my baby back!  You want some pie today?  Yeah. I haven't had any carbs for 15 years,  since I was, you know, four years old.  - Since you was four?- Yeah.  Is that your boy? He's pretty.  BRÜNO: That was my boy.He got taken away today.  I'm so sorry. Gosh. What is he, about two?  I think he was about, I don't know, six or...  - Was he? Was he about that age?- I don't know.  He could've been a midget.So he could have been 10.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (LUTZ LAUGHS)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN)  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN)  (ALARM CLOCK RINGING)  Good morning, cowboy. What's your name?  (MUFFLED) Lutz.  (SCREAMING)  (SHOUTING IN GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (MUMBLES)  (BRÜNO YELLING)  BRÜNO: Get that out of my face.  Move that out of my... No, Lutz.  Hello? Engineering.  Hello, I apologise for the state of the room.  But can I assure you,the toilet is absolutely spotless.  Can you look?The key, I think, is over there, just...  No, I can't do this.  Yeah, Brian, I need you up hereon 20 immediately.  Well, no, it's two guyshandcuffed together on a bed.  And there's some contraptionwith a dildo on the end of it.  And they're asking...They've been staying at the hotel for a while  and wanted to know if I can get the keyfor them because they can't get out of bed.  I'm pretty freaking flipping right now.  (KNOCKING ON DOOR)  BRÜNO: Come in.MANAGER: Can you tell me what's going on?  You were not meant to see this.You find the key, I can get out of this.  Now, can you just look under that shelf...  No. This is not what wassupposed to be going on in here.  You're telling me, honey.  I should be chained to a 6'4" Norwegianwith a PhD in sucking dick.  That's not my concern.  Okay, well, listen, one other thing.  Can you switch off the television?Because I made a fart,  and I am on the verge of buyingMr Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium.  That's unfortunate.  No, but I refuse to payfor Mr Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium.  I did not press it.  No, I'm afraid we are notgonna be doing that.  Hey, listen, you. What's your name?Hi. What's your name?  - No, don't even talk to me.- You're cute.  You're like a Latino Paul Giamatti.  - Hey, don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you.- Hey, girlfriend.  (POP MUSIC PLAYING)  Also, great. Maybe they can let us out.  Excuse me, can you unlock us? Please.Hello? Can you unlock us?  Please, can you unlock us?  Please. My assistant's about to shiton my balls.  (SIREN WAILING)  What's going on here?  BRÜNO: What does it look like, Paul Blart?  Brüno.  (EXCLAIMS)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (EXHALES)  Brüno.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (THUNDER RUMBLING)  BRÜNO: Ich was at a low point.Brüno had hit rock Arsch.  Lutz had gone, und ich had onlynine Freunds left on MeinSpace.  Lutz! Lutz!  (WHIMPERING)  (YELLS)  BRÜNO: I was about to give upon my dream of celebrity,  when suddenly it hit me.  All the most famous stars in the world,  Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kevin Spacey,they all had one thing in common.  They were all straight.  To become famous,I would have to quit guys.  Ich just needed to finda cock-aholics anonymous.  Things have got to change.I want to become straight.  - Awesome.- Once I'm straight,  can I still play the clarinet?  If it doesn't remind youabout some of the behaviour  that you engaged inwhen you put your lips around it.  If it doesn't remind you of that,then I say go for it  and play the clarinetwith everything inside of you.  If it does remind you of that,then I say put it down,  give it away, let a friend hold ituntil you know in your mind  you're ready to pick it up againand it wouldn't remind you of that.  Und what about ifI put a flute up my stinker?  That... I wouldn't do that either because itwould remind you of the former lifestyle.  So you don't put any woodwindinstruments up your Arschwitz.  - Absolutely not. You know why?- Why?  Because that would harm my body.That would hurt...  - Only if you lose the reed.- Okay.  Well, that would... That would be bad.  Is there any music that I shouldn't listen to?Any bands?  Sinead O'Connor. The Indigo Girls.  Of course, the Village People.  When I become straight,you know, a Kuntmeister,  are there any new hobbiesthat I should take up?  - Do you enjoy hiking? Lifting weights?- Sure.  Man, there's nothing like just working out  and lifting weightsand building your muscles  around some other men who are not gay.  I'm totally irresistible to gay guys.They see me und they want to schtupp me.  - Right.- So how do I protect against those guys?  If they get close to you,hit them and leave the situation.  How do you spot the homosexual?  Very hard to do.  Because some of them don't even dressno different than myself or you.  - Amazing.- You know?  It's kind of like terrorists.  If a terrorist has infiltrateda police department  and he dresses like the policemen,how would you know that's him?  What are obvious thingsthat we can look for?  Obvious is a person that's beingextremely nice to them to start with.  So if someone approaches you in the streetund is being very, very nice to you,  you know that they are a homosexual?  Most likely.  How should I protect myselffrom being attacked by homosexuals?  They probably would attack from behind.  So, again, if I am a homosexual,  and I'm just trying to run in und kiss you...  - Boom! You done moved in the wrong range.- Right.  Let's say the homosexualhas got you on the ground.  Okay.  Und the homosexual, you know,has got you down here.  - Right.- I go to pull this down.  - I want to lock this, lock this leg here.- Touching.  - Yeah.- Hit with the elbow.  Boom. As I roll across.  How do you protect yourself from a dildo?  So let's say I'm trying...  Here, you know.  Like that. You know?  Und disarm the dildo?  Yes.  Is it harder to defend against a black dildo?  - No.- Great.  One is just as easy as the otherto defend against.  - So, I'm attacking.- Boom.  - Like that.- Let's say I go down and I...  Trap it, work the knees. Work the elbows.  How do you defend yourselfagainst the man with two dildos?  Coming in. Here. Boom.  Depending on his range. Boom.Then to his face. Boom.  Okay? Kick around, boom.  (PANTING)  He can't do nothing from there.  And if he's just runningwith his pants down?  Here. Boom. And then to the eyes.  - Homosexual attacking your bum.- Leg here.  And then come in and break his arm.Take it here, take him out.  Break his arms. Boom, break his ribs.Break his arms.  Okay. Thank you very much. Fantastisch.  - Okay.- It's very useful.  That's just totally different thanwhat I've ever tried to, you know, work with.  So you were never gay?  It's ironic that you should haveamazing blow job lips.  Well, these lips were made to praise Jesus.  No, they were made for something else,but you're just not using it for them.  Well...  Are there any activities you suggest  where I'll be surroundedjust by straight guys?  (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)  (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)  LEADER: Let's go! Let's go!ALL: Let's go! Let's go!  (ALL EXCLAIMING)  - Push ups! Sit ups!- Push ups! Sit ups!  - Hurry up. Get in here.- Was?  Make this bed. Hurry up. Make the bed.  But do you have something,maybe a double...  Make the bed!  Could you hold the sheet over there?  I'm not holding anything.  - Get down. Get down.- Was?  I said, get down! Do push ups.  This line right here isa line that you don't cross.  This is TAC Alley. TAC Officer's...  You're in it again. This is my alley.  I don't want to be in your alley.  Yeah, well, get out of it.Your finger's in my alley.  Not yet.  By the way, where's your uniform?Go get your uniform on.  Do it!  Oh, my gosh.  What's up with the scarf?  That is, like, it's my own thing.  Let me introduce you to somebody.Captain Miles.  Candidate, what are you doing?  Stand at the position of attention, candidate.  - Do it! Do it!- Head and eyes straight forward, candidate.  Head and eyes straight forward.Stand still, candidate.  That is not part of the uniform, candidate.You need to take that off.  This outfit is too matchy-matchy as it is,  and so I was just trying to break it upwith some simple horizontal lines.  Do you have an attitude, candidate?Do we detect an attitude?  - Sir, she's got an attitude.- MILES: What?  Sir Officer Candidate,did you just call me "she"?  - Get down, candidate! Now!- Do it!  What type belt is that, candidate?  What is that?  - D&G.- What is D&G?  Dolce und Gabbana. Hello?  - "Hello"?- "Hello"?  - Front in the rest position.- Get down, you!  Sir Officer Candidate,you deserve a medal for exceptional skin.  What are you talking...What are you trying to say, candidate?  Sir Officer Candidate, you could be a generalin the Bitch Army the way you're going.  - Did you use profanity again?- Did you use profanity?  But you're being really nasty.  The OC guide states that I will notuse profanity while I'm at OCS.  Yes, mein Führer. Yes, Officer Candidate.  OFFICER: Hurry up!MAN 1: Hurry up! Let's go!  MAN 2: Yeah, this is mine.MILES: You better help your buddy.  (ALL SHOUTING)  Get out of my TAC Alley.  Get out of my TAC Alley.  - Hurry up! Hurry up!- OFFICER: Move over there!  (ALL YELLING)  (HIGH-PITCHED YELLING)  - Salute!- Salute with your right hand.  OFFICER: Salute with your right hand.  - That's not a salute.- That's not a salute.  OFFICER: That's not a salute.  Can I tell you about the personthat changed my life?  Was it Karl Lagerfeld?  No, actually, his name is Jesus.Jesus is in this room right now.  He never leaves us. He never forsakes us.He's here.  (WHISPERS) Amazing.  That's exactly right. He's amazing.  You want to be famous.You'll be one that's so famous, Brüno,  you will prepare the wayfor other young men all over the world  who want to come out of the homosexuallifestyle and make a change in their lives.  And they'll say, "If Brüno can do it,then I can do it.  "How did he change?How did you change, Brüno?"  And they'll say, "It's Jesus. He changed me."  But he wants to come intoyour heart right now.  Are you ready to make that change?  Are you hitting on me?  No, I'm not.  Okay, good, 'cause I just...That was, like, really hot, that whole speech.  Are there any outdoor activities  that I should doif I want to become straight?  Absolutely.  - Hi.- Hello.  - Mike. Brüno.- Brüno.  Hey. Great.  - I'm Donny.- Brüno.  Robert.  - You ever been hunting?- BRÜNO: I've never killed an animal.  Although, I did oncesuffocate a hamster in Mykonos.  The women, eh? Do you prefer the vaginaor the mammary glands?  - I prefer the vagina.- BRÜNO: Me, too.  I love a woman with a vagina.  Yeah.  My favourite.  Didn't see anything.  We were just talking about vaginas.  About what?  Vaginas. The woman's vagina.  Sharing storiesand saying how much we enjoy them.  Yes.  Really fantastisch.  Really wonderful things.  It's my favourite.  (BRÜNO SCREAMS)  This is wonderful.  This is what rabbit look like.  Look at the four of us.We are so like the Sex and the City girls.  No, we aren't, either.  Which one are you, Donny?  I ain't any one of them. I'm Donny.  That is such a Samantha thing to say.  BRÜNO: I've never beenout of the city before.  You haven't? How's it feel?  I feel a bit vulnerable.  You know, I'm 19 years old,I've got a perfect body.  You know, I really don't want to wake uptomorrow morning und find  that I'm torn in my Arschenholer.  You probably ain't the only one.  Me, either, definitely.  Wow, there's so many stars in the sky.  Full of them.  Makes you think ofall the hot guys in the world.  Do we all share one tentor what's more sensible?  I hope not.  (BRÜNO WHISPERING)  (MIKE SPEAKING)  (MIKE SPEAKING)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING)  (MIKE SPEAKING)  (BRÜNO WHISPERING)  (BRÜNO WHISPERING)  (MIKE SPEAKING)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING)  All right, God damn it.  BRÜNO: Reverend BJ found metoo much of a handful  and put me in touch with one of his chums.  You look decent in that.  Look like a straight guy, how's that?  (LAUGHS)  Women are good for us.  They're good even though  they appear to usto be terribly conventional.  And we find that somewhat irritating  that they complain so much.  - Right.- But we need that.  We need many of the things  that, at first glance,are annoying and irritating.  And women often don't stick to the point.  They're often talking about one thingand then another and then another,  and they never get back to the first pointmaybe ever.  I am repulsed by the ideaof making the sex with a woman.  The important thing is to be around women,  somewhat, that you find tolerableor interesting  and give them a chance to seduce you.  (DOORBELL RINGS)  How did you get into it?  We, actually, our first time was on our...  (ALL LAUGHING)  - Our honeymoon.- Yeah.  Of all nights for us to swing,the first time was for our honeymoon.  Und what is your favourite position?  That would be missionary or reverse cowgirl.  What's reverse cowgirl?  Show me. I'll pretend to be the woman.  Like, I'm sitting here, and...  Yeah, and so, if I'm the woman...Don't worry. Yeah, so what?  You'd be sitting like that,  - and that's called reverse cowgirl.- Right. Right.  And then when you're facing me,that's called cowgirl.  This one here is cowgirl or reverse cowgirl?  This is cowgirl.  And then when you're turnedthe opposite way, it's reverse cowgirl.  Und what other positions are there?  - Power driver.- Right.  Sixty-nine.  But this is the girl's position.  (INHALES DEEPLY)  You don't want to be like thisif you're a guy.  There's missionary, doggy style.  So what's doggy style like?  You'd be bent over, like a dog does it.  Yeah. Like that?  All right,and then what would you be doing?  If you was a woman,I would be humping you.  - No, show me.- (LAUGHING) I'm not gonna show you.  - You're a man.- Don't be a faggot.  (CHUCKLING) Come on. What's the big deal?It's just a couple of guys.  I'd be humping you like that.  Wow, I can't wait to do this to a woman.  (LAUGHS)  (WOMAN MOANING)  Anybody want a sandwich or something?  (MOANING)  Yeah. Great.  Very good. You've got great hair actually.  - Thank you.- Yeah.  (EXHALES) That was great.  - Oh, yeah.- Good boy.  (WOMAN MOANING)  Fuck, yeah.  You're doing a great job.  Thank you.  Come on, Jack, look me in the eyes.  Look me in the eye. You can do this.  (LAUGHS)  Dude.  (MAN LAUGHING)  Why would he look you in the eyeswhen he's looking at a pussy?  - Why would he look you in the eyes?- No, no. Just for concentration.  - He does not look in a guy's...- I don't need you for concentration, okay?  - Look her in the eye.- This is a fucking swingers party. Okay?  If you don't want pussy,if you don't want fucking...  - No, I want...- Then quit fucking touching me  and quit telling meto look at you in the eye. Okay?  I didn't come herefor no fucking queer shit. Okay?  - Me, neither.- Okay.  - Let's keep it at that then.- Cool.  This is a fucking swingers party.Right, guys?  JACK: I see what the fuck you're doing, dude.  - Hi.- JACK: Did he not try to pull  - that queer shit on you out there?- Hi. How you doing?  JACK: I don't need this motherfuckertouching me on the back,  telling me to look himin the fucking eye. Right?  - I was just going to the kitchen.- I know, yeah. Come on.  What's this shit? Let's take this off.  Let's maybe we getto know each other a little.  - I think you broke that, actually.- I don't give a fuck.  Yeah, there is...Let's get to know each other a little bit first.  (EXCLAIMS)  Know each other? What?  You must produce a lot of milk.  I don't want you to do somethingthat you'll regret.  You wake up tomorrow, you've lostyour virginity, and you feel ashamed.  You know, let's take this a little slower.  - We should reschedule.- Sit the fuck down.  Sit the fuck down. Don't fuck around!  No, let's do this the right way.  (BOTH EXHALE)  I go, and I sit down with your father,we talk about this.  - lf he gives his permission...- What?  Would you quit being a little bitch here  and take your little briefs offbefore I fucking rip them?  Wait. Yes.  - Yeah.- Fine.  - Thanks.- Okay. Great.  I don't like this little shit.  Yes, well, I want to really makethis heterosexual sex.  It's going to be fantastisch!  Do as I say. Take that fucking shit off now!  (WHOOPS)  - Don't... You fold them.- (EXCLAIMS) Fuck.  You gotta fold that neatly.You don't treat suede like that. It stains.  Sit the fuck down. Take it off!  I've got an idea.Let's play a little bit of dress-up here.  It will be erotisch.  What is this?You gonna dress me like a man?  No, it's just a beard.  - Am I supposed to wear a beard?- It's just a...  Come on, it will be fun.  I don't need a beard.  Take it off! Now!  Once you put the...  (EXCLAIMING)  - Fuck! Take it off.- Okay. I'm...  - Okay, I'm going to do this.- Right now!  Get on your fucking kneesand suck my spike here, bitch.  Okay. Help!  Don't fuck around!  BRÜNO: Don't call me gay!  I'm gonna become straight.I'm gonna become über straight.  I'm gonna be the straightest manwho's ever lived.  Und then I'll be famous.You'll see. You'll see.  (DISTANT CHEERING)  (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)  (AUDIENCE CHEERING)  What's up, Arkansas?How's everybody doing?  You guys ready to seea little ass kicking tonight?  (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)  Make some noise, everybody.Put your hands together. Make some noise  for the host of the brand-new TVshow,Straight Dave's Man Slammin' Maxout.  Give it up for Straight Dave!  (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)  Straight Dave. Straight Dave.  (CHEERING)  (SHOUTING)  Are you ready forsome man-slamming action?  Who's ready foran old-fashioned heterofest?  Are you 100% hetero like me?  Who out there is proud to be straight?  Let me hear you say straight pride.  - Straight pride.- Straight pride.  Straight pride.  - Straight pride.- Straight pride.  I am so straightthat when I bought my house,  the first thing I didwas brick up the back door.  (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)  You know why?Because my asshole's just for shitting.  Let me hear you say that.  - My asshole's just for shitting.- My asshole's just for shitting.  It's great to have an eveningwith straight people.  It's great not to have any fags here.  MAN: You're a faggot!  Who called me a faggot?  Whoever called me a faggot come up here,and I'll beat your Arsch.  Who called Straight Dave a faggot?Come up here.  Let him in.  (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)  Who wants to see me beat this fag's ass?  Who wants me to beat this...  Fuck him up!  Get him, motherfucker!  (BOTH GRUNTING)  Beat his fucking ass!  Kick his ass!  (SLOW ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)  (INAUDIBLE)  (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)  Fucking fag!  - Homo! Queer fags!- Motherfuckers!  (EXCLAIMING)  Stop! Stop!  Get out of my town. You all are sick.  Tell him we don't have no faggots herein Arkansas. Take that shit somewhere else.  You pussy-ass faggot motherfucker!  (SHOUTING)  - Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!- Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!  - Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!- Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!  (SPEAKING MANDARIN)  BRÜNO: The footage went everywhere,und Brüno became über famous.  (CHATTERING)  As for Lutz,we decided to get married in California.  But because of the law,we had to be a bit inventive.  I feel this is the biggest stepyou'll ever make in your lifetime.  - It's a very big moment.- That's right.  Am I going to be able to meet herbefore we actually start?  Sure.  I... I don't marry two men or two women.  If she's a man,then how did it give birth to our son?  You gave birth to a little black child?  (IN FALSETTO) Yes.  When did you have the baby?  I don't even know whyI'm asking that question.  BRÜNO: But even thoughmarriage was a nicht-nicht,  we weren't gonna let it get us down.  We were happy. We had each other.  And we had O.J. back,  although he did cost us a MacBook Pro.  Plus, ich was now so famous  that I was able to recordmein very own charity video.  (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)  I've written a song  that I hope is gonnabring the world together  Put down your guns and bombs  and just make love forever  Okay, then.  He's come to heal the world  and make all nations calmer  I am the Austrian Jesus  He is the white Obama  He's the white Obama  War's just based on hate and fear  Stop fighting, North and South Korea  You're both basically Chinese  And he's Brüno, dove of peace  Hey, yo, Brüno, where the bitches at?  BO TH: You are Brüno, dove of peace  SNOOP DOGG: You do it, fashion modelYou got the cute hos  ALL: You are Brüno, dove of peace  (SNIFFS)  You know, I love black guys.I'm a chocoholic.  ALL: Du bist Brüno, dove of peace  Brüno wants peace.  Either we gonna have peace,or we gonna have motherfucking war.  I have a dream for the Third World  Clean water, food and teaching  In every village and every town  a place for anal bleaching  We need to rid the world of hunger  I'm like Bono, except much younger  He's only  Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace  Hey, hey, he gay, he gay  Okay.  (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

dont mess with the zohan

Special thanks to

SergeiK

.