#but ive also lived pretty much completely in the middle of nowhere and theres still usually house shows that are findable

[anotherpapercut]

wild how much of the time "there isn't anything to do where I live" is code for "I refuse to seek out local artists and events"

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[unproduciblesmackdown]

6:15am Gripes Post lads!! 🥂

im in one of those things where something innocuous bugs me for days b/c its just a personal irritation...i saw something for like a book or a game on twitter & it was like “this is about being a teenager” and it looked like it was about the kind of teenagerdom where you hang out with your friends after school & have a few romantic partners where it doesn’t all go smoothly because youre both inexperienced and havent figured things out enough to have a really healthy mature relationship but its complicated and there’s good things in there too so its all just a mixed bag and classic teenager

anyways theres nothing wrong with that in and of itself of course but i dont like getting what is a specific narrative conflated with a universal narrative...i.e. while that might be a common experience, being 13-19 isnt defined by that kind of usual teenage experience checklist. i mean, everyone who’s been a teenager has an experience in that time which must also be a teenage experience you know. and of course mine happens to be the kind that was nothing like the being out late with friends and having awkward date moments of bewilderment and figuring out who you are and all

i dont love to be reminded that theres a specific narrative thats meant to describe the General Universal Experience, when thats not my experience. what does that make my experience, and by extension, me

like i already feel invalidated enough by the course my life happened to go, i dont need a reminder that it was supposed to go This Way actually, and if it didnt then are you even a real person. and theres a ton of ways peoples lives could differ in major ways from whatever idea of whats universal that are also different from mine, so i dont know how not to be a bit annoyed from that angle either. i dont know its like....i guess ~Adolescence~ is especially treated as some flat, formuleic, predictable time in life where everyone is simple and shallow when its all really the opposite. its as complex and varied as ever and so are teenagers & people are completely wrong to act like teens are all just self centered immature kids—and not only wrong to do so but actually writing off really serious issues that affect teens as like “angst!!” or whatever...lord

anyways so i was like actively suicidal from like 14? 15? i say “was” when its just more like “have been,” but anyway. theres that part, and i didnt go to high school, which im sure would be for the better for anyone, and i wasn’t interested in dating anyone & also didn’t, and i was kind of having a version of the Universal Teen Story in that i was getting to be away from home for weeks at a time with only a weekend back every now and then (and breaks between semesters) and doing so finally let me like, even start to be a person who could exist outside the hellzone of my house. which made going back home for say, long summer breaks increasingly laden with friction. teens and their spats with parents right!! but actually it was that my situation was abusive & i had to figure that out on my own & in the meantime i did think i must be doing something wrong in trying to feel like i actually had the right to my own identity, because i must be doing something wrong if it makes me get along with my parents less. and really the idea that teens are just angsty & rebellious & argumentative was further damaging b/c i trivialized my own abuse as i always had (b/c all i had to go on was that it must be normal) & blamed myself for not succeeding in this impossible situation. it was really Not the universal experience even with the conflict and identity questions and growing familial pains

also i still had few friends, but i at least had a bit more room to Do Shit than at home. idek how to say how isolated i was for the entire like, well most of my life but a tiny bit less so during college. i had campus & a 1.5 mile radius and occasional trips and stuff, and being able to just do things as i wanted. at my parents house, the location made it so you couldnt really walk anywhere, and our town didnt really have a lot of hangouts anyways, and i didnt have any friends really. i did get a few from school and friendly acquaintances but i would rarely see any of them outside school, and that was mostly only middle school anyways. i was on the fringe even in preschool, which i imagine helped w how i read all the time at school and at home. and home and the abuse and having nowhere else to be also had to contribute to how i live in my head, i have to guess. i dont mind that, my head is great. but other people think im weird and in terms of being someone who grew up exposed to long term trauma & bad attention & memory & an awful lot of pretty specific things seem to align w autism but if i mention that ppl (irl) like to talk abt how well really everyones autistic in SOME ways (which well they arent unless you want to have a huge talk abt the entire field of what it means when usually nt ppl define Disorders) anyways the point is that i also dont trust people much because theres a slight history of taking a chance on ppl who seem interested in being friendly w/ me only to turn around & realize i was being laughed at to a degree for things that were just part of how i personally socialize, thanks. but not all of it. ive met some really solid people. but im not that eager to meet people as im wary of a lot of them & my instincts are usually justified when i take a dislike to somebody. and ive just never been in a position to make or have a lot of friends. and that sucks, coz the few times ive been able to be around multiple people i like is always a lot of fun, usually the result of some roadtrip or special occasion or something and very short lived. i WISH i’d had a period of constant access to a friend group, that i couldve left my parents house and had somewhere to go anytime i felt like it, that i had people i could do things with and all. i dont need adventure, i like parking lots and just doing nothing but hanging out and all, but that didnt happen. i was stuck in my parents house & i didnt even think i had maybe been cheated out of anything & maybe i wasnt just a inferior quality person until i started to figure out for myself around 18 that i might actually be abused, and it took me another couple of years to really believe that i didnt deserve it

and i mean still i didnt just take an “alternate route” to the same endpoint everyone else did. i cant do buzzfeed quizzes about You And Your BFF / Friend / Friend Group coz i cant even fake my way through them. i know i have an identity and am as much a person as anyone but i know that the chances to explore life that are supposed to be Common and Universal werent available to me, and that who i am as a person, aka a normal one, not a terrible one, was info i didnt know for most of my life and had to figure out on my own. and im still figuring out on my own, because shits never exactly been okay yknow

anyways my experience may be “worse” but its not lesser or less real or valid or makes me less of a person because i didnt get to do it your way. idk

tldr it annoys me like thanks for reminding me ive never got to have friends even though that’s still one of the few things i’ll feel bad about b/c i know just how much that hurts me & how much ive missed my fleeting chances to have a micro taste of what that couldve been like. and for a reminder that whats considered Real Full Person’s Experience is so default it doesnt even need modifiers, & so what does that make me if it doesnt apply at all?

funny how much an throwaway almost joke of a sentence bugs me but thats how it goes huh

[buoyantsaturn]

Can you do a Bridge to Terrabithia au if you've read the book? Maybe Will as Jesse and Nico as Leslie? Im prepared for angst

ive seen the movie so i hope its pretty much the same as the book ((also thanks a lot for putting me in this mindset u better be prepared for the angst bc i can get pretty angsty ok))

im putting this under a cut bc nobody needs to see this if theyre not emotionally prepared

nico doesnt have a very good home life so he has to make his own fun, usually outside of the house and its pretty tough on him when they move to the middle of nowhere. he ends up wandering in the woods for a while before school starts and he has to go there instead

him and will hit it off pretty quick and since they live near each other nico brings will out to the woods with him to hang out. nico figures theyre probably to old to play pretend but tries anyway and will goes along with it and seems to be enjoying himself so nico takes that as a good sign

will gets picked on at school and nico jumps to defend him and finds out that will is gay and thats why people are always picking on him and nicos like ???? thats a stupid reason im gay too that doesnt give someone a reason to pick on me so theres no reason to pick on you?????

nico sneaks will into his house one day so that they can go to nicos room to pack a bag so he can spend the night at will’s house and when nico’s dad spots them nico’s like “holy crap run before he catches us” and gets the frick out of there and they run into wills house and straight up to wills room to hide

they head back to terabithia and find an old treehouse pretty deep in the woods that they spend a lot of their time in (they share their first and possibly only kiss in that treehouse rip)

they make plans to meet back at that treehouse every day and will kinda forgets one day when one of their teachers sets up a tour for him at a hospital nearby and theyre going to let him watch a surgery while hes there!!! hes so excited that he doesnt even think to tell nico where hes going and he almost invites nico when they go past his house but he figures nico wouldnt be interested in that anyway

its possibly,,,, the best day hes ever had?????? hes never been more motivated to become a doctor???? and hes so excited to tell nico about it when he gets home he almost has his teacher drop him off at nico’s house instead but then he gets home and his mom and step-dad and all of his siblings are sitting around the table like completely silent with their heads down and hes kinda freaked out????

as soon as they realize he’s there they jump up and theyre all hugging him and he doesnt understand whats happening like dont they know he was at a hospital all day??? and kayla tells him that they thought he was dead and hes just????????

he tries to get out of there and go talk to nico but they’re all like “will u dont understand you cant we all thought you were dead bc we thought u were with nico. nico’s dead will”

will fricken flips out and runs out of there and goes to the entrance to terabithia but the creeks overflowing and the rope swing they used was snapped but will still cant believe it so he goes to nicos house and pounds on the door and nicos dad opens it and this is the first time will’s ever seen him???? and hes like “u must be will, the one that left my son to die alone” will screams at him that nico cant be dead and wills mom runs over and apologizes to nicos dad and brings will back home

will,,,, cant go to school for the rest of the year. he finds out how nico died and learns every detail of it and decides that when he becomes a doctor hes gonna do everything possible to make sure that nobody else dies in the same way 

he wanders back into terabithia at the end of the summer bc he cant make himself go back any sooner and builds a little memorial for terabithia’s prince and never goes back again

holy frick im crying how could u do this to me

i hope u suffer through reading this as much as i suffered through writing it thanks a lot dang

also one last really not fun fact I once showed up half an hour late to school bc i watched the end of this movie right before i had to leave and was crying so hard that i couldnt get off the couch so not only did my mom have to drive me to school but she had to tell them why i was late and this fricken movie was the reason