#but never fully realizing the flaws in him or in your comrades or your students or yourself

[evilkitten3]

thinking about the sannin and abandonment and the past following you wherever you go no matter how hard you try to leave it behind and staying and clinging to whatever you have left until it twists you into something unrecognizable and chases you out and clinging to it even after that while getting worse and worse and watching everything you love die and pushing away whatever you have left and abandoning people who need you because staying is killing you and leaving and leaving also killing you and the worst coping mechanisms known to man and trying so hard not to remember when you were just three kids with a teacher who adored you before everything collapsed in on itself now none of you can stand the sight of each other and the devastation of war and fame gained through clinging to your life and being so defined by survival that you forget to do anything else and people trying to rely on you when you can't even rely on you and dying alone with your regrets and the endless cycle of rebirth and alcoholism

[linkspooky]

Do you have any thoughts on how Maki will develop technique and character wise later on in the series do you think she’ll see Toji and take it has inspiration and free herself from the Zen’in or will she start to lean on others and deviate from her I’ll be strong on my own mentality

Toji is set up as a bar Maki is meant to surpass in both aspects. Toji forced himself to choose between family and his pride and regretted his choice. However, in a sense he also really didn’t choose either. He kept wavering between them. He wanted to become the strongest and cut his ties to everybody, but he still loved his son Megumi. He loved Megumi, but was unwilling to let go of his pride so he chose to neglect his responsibility as a father and push Megumi as far away from himself. Rather than choosing wrong, Toji chose indecisively, he was out of balance - he couldn’t choose one until the literal end of the line. 

Which is why, Maki’s character isn’t about choosing one over the other, but finding a balance between the two. I’ll explain more under the cut. 

1. Maki and Nobara are Blind

Every character in Jujutsu Kaisen has a flawed viewpoint, but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong. Rather, I prefer to think of them as “out of balance.’ Jujutsu Kaisen isn’t about black and white ideas of right or wrong but rather a multitude of different perspectives. Selfishness isn’t bad, selflessness isn’t always good. Good intentions don’t lead to good results, sometimes bad intentions can help people. 

Rather than completely changing or flipping their views, because often the views that characters are hold isn’t necessarily wrong it’s much more likely they’ll be pushed to reconcile their views with the views of the other people around them. For a quick example, at the beginning of the manga, Yuji wants to save everyone, Megumi wants to seflishly choose who to save, rather than saying one or the other is wrong when Yuji hears Megumi explain himself he says that Megumi clearly put a lot of thought behind his beliefs. Rather than one of them winning over the other they come to an understanding. 

So, I think with that logic as the reason Maki will actually choose both, to free herself from the Zen’in, and also to lean on others more. 

Maki’s primary character flaw comes not from really being wrong, but a lack of understnading. She doesn’t really want to integrate the viewpoints of other people into her own views. 

Which makes absolute sense if you think about it, Maki is the scapegoat child of the Zen’in. She went through the same abuse Toji did, which was having everyone constantly look down at her. She was treated as a servant and an inferior to her own twin sister. It’s likely she responded the exact same way Toji did, by shutting everyone else, all their hurtful words out. Toji dealt with it by rejecting everything, both himself, and others. 

That’s why in comparison to Maki who is still struggling against the Zen’in family, and still has her life very much defined by her want to be better than them, and prove them wrong, Toji is aclled “the one who is free.” 

Toji’s way of coping is what Maki wants to do, which is to shut everything out and pretend she doesn’t care about anything. Only focusing on getting stronger. Maki has intenalized an unhealthy idea of what getting stronger is: not showing any weakness. Of course she has, that’s what the Zen’in household has forced into her head her entire life. Even if she escapes from the house she’s still affected by it. So then, here’s where the foiling with Nobara comes in, they both have the same tendency to shut others out, and they both tend to be blind. Nobara loses an eye, Maki is always wearing glasses.

There’s a reason the fight in the Kyoto tournament ended up being Maki and Nobara vs. Mai and Momo. 

Mai is the opposite of Maki, that Maki does not want to confront. Someone who cares about family more than being a strong willed individual. Someone who admits that she wants to cling to otherse.

Momo is the opposite of Nobara that Nobara does not want to confront. Someone who is much more open about how she cares about her friends. Nobara rejects the ideas of her friends, Momo indulges them to the point where she sort of enables their bad behavior and lashing out (but that’s a different meta). 

Momo is much more open about how much she cares about her classmates, (Nobara cares she’s just guarded about it) and the Kyoto group is as a whole much closer together even though they’re labeled as “weak” by mechamaru. 

Maki sees this dependance on others as a weakness. She still does. My best guess is her development since volume zero is that she’s come around to Gojo’s line of thinking that she wants strong comrades to fight alongside her, but she still doesn’t want to expose her weakness in front of somebody else. I don’t think Maki could ever openly cry in front of others the way Miwa can for example. 

Mai and Maki are two opposite extremes that need to be reconciled, Maki is independent, and Mai too codependent on her sister. We see the effects of Mai’s lashing out, but also I think it’s just important to understand the reasoning for Mai’s lashing out, Maki doesn’t really understand her own sister, what she’s going through, or how she feels.

It’s even in the flashback. We see Maki bravely walking past the curse, and Mai timid and afraid of it. However, the difference is Mai can see the scary curse in front of her, and Maki can’t. So of course it’s easier for Maki to charge fully ahead. 

Maki wears glasses all the time. Her vision in impaired. She can’t see cursed spirits without them. Symbolically, Maki is blind the same way Nobara is. There’s even more parallels in their backstories, they both come from environments where they had to shut everyone else out because they never really wanted to be at home. For some reason or another, they never feel home at the place that was supposed to be their home. 

They both live in complete rejection of the place they come from, while at the same time sort of being defined by it. Maki is still very much tied to the Zen’in clan, and Nobara is closeminded in her own way like the rest of the closeminded villagers she hated. Your environment effects who you are whether you want it to or not. They also think having left their own homes, they can’t really find any home anywhere else, except for within themselves. Which is why they don’t let people in. 

Which is also why we see the same consequences for Nobara and Maki they are, they keep getting blindsided. Nobara’s consequences come from not listening to people who have her best interest at heart: Nanami telling her to stay behind. As a result of not listening to him, she loses her eye in the fight against Mahito (symbolism). 

Maki tries to do what she always does which is prove that she’s stronger than the anyone else in the Zen’in household, only for this to fail. Maki not only doesn’t contribute much to the fight, she actively gets in the way, and has to be saved by Naobito, somebody she hates. 

Every strategy that Maki has used before, her determination, her stubbornness, her refusal to backdown, starts to fail in the fight against Dagon, and then Toji shows up and makes things worse (the thing he’s best at). 

Not only does Maki lose to Naobito, the head of the Zen’in family, she also loses to Toji, the reject of the Zen’in family. Playful cloud, the cursed tool that Geto used to beat Maki up all the way back in volume zero something she hasn’t recovered from yet, not only kind of rejected her, but is used way better than Toji. Pure and solid power, for this reason it’s strength, depends on the wielder’s strength. 

Maki is basically getting called weak by everyone around her, Naobito, Toji, even Playful Cloud which she couldn’t use to the best of her ability. But that’s not a bad thing. Realizing your weakness is a much better way to get stronger than just ignoring your weakness. Look at the symbolism as well, when she’s humiliated by Nabito her eye narrows, when she sees Toji her eye widens.

So, in effect this arc has presented Maki with the two options she has to go forward. 

Return to the Zen’in Family as she originally planned. Abandon everything for the sake of strength and her personal pride. 

Only to show her that she’s too weak currently to accomplish either. She can’t be Toji, and she can’t be Naobito. However, Maki has an option that neither Naobito nor Toji has. She has her sister. She has Nobara. She has the rest of the students at Jujutsu Academy. If Maki lets these people in, they can open her eyes, and show her that both are a possibility to her. She can be both strong as an individual, and still have a family to lean on, and lean on others. 

Her sister is someone she needs to reconcile with not win against. She’s not going to be Naobito or Toji, she’s going to be better than them both. 

[sleepdeprivedheretic]

Kill Me Hardly (Ch.3)

Warnings: Poorly written violence, blood, drugs, gangs, blood and PTSD

@youtubequeens *Evanescence plays in the background *

………..

“I never noticed that he was in a gang, until later.” You commented. Taishiro was back into his usual villain getup, effortlessly stalking into the night as you observed him. He didn’t say anything, yet, but you knew that he was listening.

“I was too busy in school, focusing on my career, making my parents proud, that I didn’t realize that the friends that my brother hanged out with, were sharing their drugs with him.” You continued as he fitted himself neatly against the dark alley wall.

“Must’ve sucked.”

“It did. I always felt so guilty, as if I was the one who failed to reach out to him. I think it’s part of the reason why I couldn’t hate him, fully for doing this to me.” You murmured out the words lowly, but he heard them. His eye twitched as he gave you a dark, unyielding look.

“Fucker knew what he was doin’ when he joined some dope heads. Stop findin’ fault in other’s bratty behavior.” He grumbled out. Your shoulders sagged in relief, getting the pain off of your chest as he continued down the dark twists and turns of the alleyway. You didn’t need to say anything, for you were excited for your first mission, and didn’t want to squander it, or get him in trouble.

The thought surprised you. You knew him for a short amount of time, and yet you felt uncannily at ease with him. He listened to you and even came to your defense. He was an unhinged guy who had that bittersweet viewpoint on life, and oddly enough, you found that you didn’t really care.

 He was alright, despite all of his flaws. You had come to a conclusion, that you wanted him to see a better viewpoint on life, and to not be afraid of his own emotions. You weren’t a guardian angel, nor were you a savior, you were a normal college student who was on the brink of graduating. Yet, you wanted to at least do this for somebody who obviously was hurting from his past, and although it was unsaid, the both of you knew that this was his shoddy way to atone for whatever he was hurting from.

You didn’t know how much time that you had, left, and that scared you.

“Check to make sure that those lowlifes are busy, yeah?” He glanced at you as the two of you finally made your destination. It was a hideaway from a growing gang who thought that they were safe, as they were afflicted with the Yakuza. What they didn’t know, was that the dangerous organization had it’s headquarters somewhere else in the city, not really around the parts where young hotshots liked to terrorize.

You poked your head through the wall, taking the scene in front of you. They were surprisingly a little older than you first thought they were, huffing out smoke from something that wasn’t cigarettes, as they laughed, kicking an empty beer can as they joshed among themselves. You eyes couldn’t help but scan them, trying to seek a familiar face. To your relief, your brother wasn’t there. You peeked back at Taishiro.

“They’re older adults, drunk and high on pot, laughing like hyenas. You’re good to go.” You gave a thumbs up as he then smiled darkly, cracking his knuckles underneath the leather gloves, as the atmosphere shifted into something more dangerous. As if he was a lion or a tiger, he bolted into action from his hiding spot. The hair on the back of your neck prickled as you couldn’t help but feel the need to watch.

You flinched as the swift but deadly action unfolded before your eyes as you peered back towards the group.

 Not giving them the time to acknowledge his presence, Tai had already delivered a sickening punch to one man’s head, causing the others to yell and scream as their comrade fell to the ground with a thud, blood trickling out of his nose as he blinked slowly, alive but losing consciousness. You had to admit, you felt a little sick to your stomach at such violent action, yet on your toes as he dodged punches, bats, and knives, growling out in fervor, yet dealing the younger fighters with ease.

You were a college student, you weren’t use to the darkness of your city’s streets. You shouldn’t be use to the sight of blood and gore, yet for a year, it’s basically what you’ve been forced to see as restless, roaming ghosts and spirits haunted the concrete jungle slowly. Seeing blood spilled so violently, only deterred you a little as the fight ended quickly.

As if then noticing your staring, he turned towards you, a look of disbelief and malice etched onto his expression as the blood on his leather gloves and his amber irises glinted in the moonlight.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He demanded rather roughly, and you couldn’t help but blanch a little at the tone.

“Oh? What did I do, now?” You asked, appearing in front of him.

“Watching! Yer not suppose to watch! This is no sight for a lil’ woman like yerself!” He growled out, and you looked up at him as your own annoyance started bubbling within you.

“I’m use to seeing blood and gore, remember?”

“It doesn’t mean you can see more of it!” He snapped. You huffed, glaring up at him as you felt a splash of anger wash over you.

“Does it honestly matter? This isn’t my first rodeo in seeing blood splatter, if you recall.” You tilted your head, letting the never-healing gouge in your neck glint within the moonlight. He stiffened, eyes widening in realization, yet you weren’t really finished.

“What do you expect when you offered a violent mission, Tai-chan? Me to pop in and out and just go...wherever, while you fight? I can’t alert anybody if you get injured or in danger, but nobody deserves to really be alone, right?” Your voice softened a little at the end, the word ‘home’ on the tip of your tongue.

 “Sorry.” He grunted out, and it was your turn to be surprised.

“It’s fine...but...why did you lash out like that?” You stalled your sentence, thinking of which words to say as a moment passed the two of you. Outwardly sighing, he collected the young gangster’s money as they laid asleep on the concrete floor.

“I’ll tell ya when we get back.”

“Do you really want to?”

“Fuck no.”

“Alright then, let’s just go before the cops come.” You offered, he looked at you with surprise.

“No egging me on an’ forcin’ me to say shit?”

“It’s not really healthy.” You offered, and he stared at you, finally sighing as he shrugged, the two of you swiftly yet discreetly heading back to his apartment in the dead of night.  

……….

 You didn’t lose count of the days, as you begged Tai to basically put a circle on the day he had first met you, so you wouldn’t lose track of time. A month of bickering and bantering slowly bled into two. He didn’t shed any more light on his past, and you didn’t bring it up, deciding to let him let it out on his terms. Two months had passed.

Two months of break-ins, fights, violence, and giving money, items, and news to the ones in need, really shed some light onto your acquaintance. He admitted, that having you around was much easier, and although you felt elated, you were still at a stalling confusion with your original plans. You wanted to help him, but you really didn’t know how. So, you talked. About your brother, your parents, how you had planned on making an appearance to your parents on Halloween, saying that in some traditions, people can see the ghosts of their loved ones on that special night.

He listened to every word you said, you’ve been noticing. A dark, sad glint filtered through his eyes, and you quickly shifted the conversation to something else, a funnier story of the simpler times of your childhood.  

Your partnership, you admitted, shifted. He was still snappy, but it lessened a bit more over the two months, now that he had finally somebody to really sit down and talk to. You let your guard down a little bit more, freely admitting to your thoughts and wishes as he bleached the blood off of his clothes, remarking on how silly you were from time to time.

Remarkably, your fights weren’t really long, nor violent. The two of you were adults. You knew which boundaries to respect, and he never twisted a knife into your vulnerable feelings towards such things as your brother and parents.

Then, that day happened. The day that made you feel as if your blood ran cold. While he was asleep on his day off, you felt a strong urge to visit your body. Not thinking twice, you made your way towards the hospital, ignoring the people who shivered in confusion as you passed through them, making your way effortlessly into the hospital, nearing the familiarity of your body’s white walled residence. You stilled, seeing that you weren’t alone.

“-I’m so sorry. I know it’s not easy for the both of you, but her body is getting worse, and by that time, there might not be a recovery when, or if she wakes up.” The doctor peered at your parent’s shaking forms with guilt and sadness. Time for you seemed to stop dead still as the conversation continued. Your heartbeat drumming in your ears as you took in whatever information you didn’t know, in.

As your father sat up and shook the doctor’s hand, you fled. Distraught and fear gripped you as the words sunk in and twisted your guts.  

“Where the hell where ya?!” Taishiro demanded angrily as you arrived to his place. His furious demeanor stilled to a halt as he then took in your expression. He never seen this side of you, looking worn and exhausted.

“O-oi! Why’re you cryin’? What the hell happened?” He blurted out, hands clenched into fists.

“They’re going to cut the machine in two months time. My body’s getting weaker. I’ll be back, later.” Was all you said before you floated away. You weren’t sure where you were going, but you didn’t want to think. All you wanted to do was curl up in your own bed and cry. You didn’t dare enter your bedroom after the incident, but really, you wanted nothing more at this moment, you then decided.  

You choked out a sob, letting the sight greet you. It was as if you were never on the floor a year prior, choking and spitting up your own blood as it dripped onto the carpet. Said thing was missing, now, and you probably knew that your parents couldn’t deal with getting the blood-stains out.

 All of your old clothes and old toys laid neatly on your bed, cards, macaroni art, and pictures scattered the floor. Distinctively, you knew that your mother had been looking through them. You fell to your knees, gripping your chest as a broken sob tore through you. Nobody could hear it, you thought. Nobody could see the droplets of a phantom’s tears faze through the hardwood floor. For the first time in what seemed forever, you screamed in a choked cry, letting everything that had been building up, out.

Crawling into your bed, you sniffled as you took in all the familiar scents as sob after sob wracked through you.

You’ll apologize to Taishiro, later, for missing out on a mission, you decided as for once, an eerie comfortable sleep washed over you.

You awoke with a jolt, a little bit of drool dribbled down you chin as you felt although relaxed, you didn’t feel the warmth or safety of your covers that you missed so much. Ever since being a ghost, you were limited to how much you were able to feel, and warmth, sadly, wasn’t a luxury. It was night. You slept all throughout the day, and you felt a little groggy.

You had a feeling that he wouldn’t hold it against you, you knew.

When you arrived at his place, you stilled in shock, staring at his sleeping form nestled too large on the couch, wrapping his arms around a pillow with half of his face buried into it. He was cute, you couldn’t help but think, letting your hand float literally through blond locks as he snored softly, his mouth wide open while drooling slightly. You chuckled despite feeling your heart lurch with a particular feeling. No, you berated yourself. You couldn’t do that. You shouldn’t feel that.

As if sensing your presence, his eyelids slid open as he adjusted his surroundings.

“Hello.” You said softly, his attention drifted to you, taking in your form.

“Hey.” He said into a yawn, rubbing his eyes as he sat up, the blanket falling off of his form. You let your eyes linger a little too long as your realized that he was wearing only boxers. You berated yourself from staring to long, looking away quickly before he could catch you.

“No job?” You asked. He shrugged.

“Didn’ feel like it. How’re ya farin’?” He asked, demeanor oddly calmer and softer than what you were expecting.

“I...went to my bedroom. Where it happened. Mom piled up a bunch old stuff on the bed, it looked as if she was looking through them.” Your voice cracked a little, but you bit your lip as you sat beside him.

“That’s fuckin’ tough, y’know. Ya goin’ through all these fuckin’ rough patches, and they’re finally gonna let ya die.”

“It’s what I’ve been wanting.” You said quietly. “To die, or wake up. I can’t feel anything, Tai-chan. Not warmth, closure, what it’s like to feel safe wrapped up in a blanket. Nothing. I can focus my energy to rest on certain places, but never feel the smooth surfaces of wood or the tickling feel of blades of grass….I’m just….exhausted.” You admitted softly.

“Fucking hell.” Taishiro’s voice snapped you out of his thoughts, and to your absolute surprise and shock, wetness dripped down his cheeks as he gritted his teeth. You blinked in surprise as his eyebrows furrowed.

“Taishiro…” Slipped out.

“F-fuck! I’m fine! I’m headin’ to bed! I’ll talk to ya later, shitty ghost!” He made an odd noise that was between a huff and a sniff, and you watched in awe as he all but thundered to his bedroom.

Silence enveloped you as you took in what had happened. You were alone with your thoughts for quite a while as you then took notice of the flickering candle in the far corner. Edging closer to it, you could smell soft vanilla wafting through the air. A speck of red had caught your attention, and you looked down, noticing the pack of not so empty cigarettes were laying unceremoniously in the little white trash bin underneath one of the shelves.

“They’re not healthy for you.” You jumped, spinning around at Tai’s voice. He was quiet, like a cat, and you didn’t notice how long he’s been standing there, while you mused.

“C’mon, we need to talk.” There was no room for argument in his statement, and you closed your mouth as he gave you such a serious, intense look.

“Okay.”