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#but now i’ve swung the other direction and i do nothing 😭 i don’t feel like i’m Living rn
lambentplume
·
19 days
Text
yapping aimlessly tonight
#jaerambles
#i just have a lot in my brain!!
#anyway i keep getting asked what i would want to do in an ideal situation. if money and time and stuff were no object
#i really do think it would be just aimless learning.
#like learning new crafts. reading without having to respond to it. sponging up knowledge without the expectation to Say Things
#it feels a bit. selfish.
#but i don’t really have an endpoint to reach nor do i have something to say. like i just want to acquire experiences and learn things
#i get really nervous when people ask me what makes me happy because i don’t know. i know what makes me uncomfortable and scared though
#i would also like the ability to just change my situation a lot as much as i want. moving to new places and leaving when i don’t like them
#trying new professions without having to stick to them or work up a ladder
#drop everything for a weekend to go see friends. things like that.
#i say all these things as though i haven’t been too afraid to leave my house for the past 6 months djfjdjfjdjfjjd
#i’m trying to be less avoidant lately though. like ideal situations are not my reality!
#real life is me being too scared to think of possibilities so in reality i just have to take the tiniest steps back to normalcy
#ppl with the jae lore remember when my commute to school was literally 5000 miles
#or when i worked two jobs and was so about the grind because i had a reason to want the money
#like i used to have So much going on. and now i don’t. and i don’t know what i am in the absence of being Busy
#there’s still so much i don’t understand abt bpd1 i’m so scared of making changes too suddenly because i HATE who i was in august
#or not who i was. what i was doing.
#but now i’ve swung the other direction and i do nothing 😭 i don’t feel like i’m Living rn
#i feel like i’ve started all over again. i almost had it i was gonna do two internships and keep doing my cute little barista job
#and have a senior year that was gonna be about growing and finishing strong
#and then of course my maladjusted ass sees [irreversible change event] and like. yknow
#this keeps. happening to me. i want to be so much better than this 😭😭😭
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