#real life is me being too scared to think of possibilities so in reality i just have to take the tiniest steps back to normalcy

[becauseimanicequeen]

Don't Ask Me for QL Recommendations Because My Taste is BAD

Bad as in TRASHY.

For your own good, don't ask me for recommendations.

I'm writing this because I've gotten some asks lately for QL recommendations and I wanted to spare you the pain.

If you still don't trust me (because to be fair, why would you? I'm just a random weirdo on the internet), let me tell you how bad my taste is so you'll know why I'm doing you a great favor by sparing you the pain.

(I also watch, and rewatch, series/films for ridiculous reasons, yet another reason not to listen to me. I’ll come back to this in a minute.)

Let's start with a brief rewind to a couple of decades ago (because it matters in this context).

The first queer content of any kind I can remember watching was Xena: The Warrior Princess in the late 90s and early 00s (I was a child/pre-teen at the time). It was such a pivotal point for me, which is why I remember it vividly. Not only was Lucy Lawless (the actress playing Xena) the most beautiful human being I had ever seen at that point, Xena was also queer and I loved her.

The series, though? It’s bad.

It’s over-the-top, contains ridiculous humor, face-palm-worthy fight scenes, etc., etc. (But, it was also the 90s, so it was quality television at the time, no matter what anyone else says.) It was so bad that it was ridiculously entertaining. I would watch it today (if I could find it anywhere…). That’s how bad my taste is (or how attached I am to bad shit).

That’s when the groundwork for my bad taste was laid. I blame THANK Xena: The Warrior Princess for it.

Then there was a huge skip until July last year when I found the Asian QL world, because I had no idea it even existed (I’m from Europe, btw).

(My personal story is that I fell into the queer/gay film world before the QL world, and the queer films I could find were made and released very sporadically. But ever since I found the treasure trove of Asian QL series in July 2023, I’ve watched 291 series/films as of right now.)

The reason I fell into the Asian QL world was thanks to a Short on YouTube with the main characters from Roommates of Poongduck 304 kissing. (Want to know what convinced me to watch it? One of them was wearing blue and the other pink, two of my favorite colors. Yep, that’s the reason. Told you it would be ridiculous.)

Since then, I’ve been exploring this rabbit hole and loving every second of all the bad shit that’s out there (there’s some great shit too, and some great things that aren’t shit at all, but they’re not really my taste because my taste is trashy, remember?).

I quickly noticed what my taste was pulling me towards and, in some cases, the trashier it was, the more I liked it.

(I’m talking about fiction here. I’m mature enough to be able to separate fiction from reality. Just because I enjoy watching a series/film that depicts a problematic topic, and sometimes do it in a problematic way, doesn’t mean I condone it in real life. I’m just putting this here as a disclaimer because people on the internet are easily offended nowadays. And I honestly don’t have time to respond to people who are venting their anger after purposefully misinterpreting what I’ve said, unless there’s a very valid reason, which there usually isn’t.)

So, what are some of my favorites that I absolutely do not recommend you watch?

Unless you want to watch trash, then, have at it. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

(Btw, if you like any of these, I apologize for calling your taste bad and trashy. But, if you like any of these, I think you already know your taste is bad. Also, if you like any of these, hey, bestie!)

Let’s start with the less extreme ones so I don’t scare you away from the start. After that, they’re in no particular order.

(With the issues/TW section for each series/film I include possible trigger warnings, taboo topics, what viewers/commenters have brought up as problematic, my possible issues with the writing, etc. I won’t list everything (because some of them would have looong lists) but I’m including some of the major ones.)

Kiseki: Dear to Me (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, age gap, “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers, etc.

Both couples in this series have their own set of issues. Ai Di and Chen Yi are the “adoptive” brothers who become lovers while Ze Rui and Zong Yi have an age gap (I can’t remember how big of an age gap but I think it was close to 10-ish years).

(Before I move on there’s one thing you should know about me… I was born into a family with a varying degree of age gaps within marriages, from 2 to 23 years. Even though we’ve talked about the bigger age gaps occasionally, it’s never been an issue. I don’t mind age gaps as long as they’re legal. Does that mean I would hook up with someone in their late teens or early twenties? No. I would rather hook up with someone who has a fully developed brain, which science suggests doesn’t happen until somewhere in the mid-to-late-twenties. But it does mean that age gaps (as long as they’re legal) aren’t something I’ll be bothered by or judgemental of.)

Kiseki: Dear to Me is one of my favorite series because:

It’s from Taiwan, and the Taiwanese QLs are generally great at dealing with more difficult and taboo topics.

Ai Di is the feistiest, most colorful, and pettiest bitch and I love him with my entire ice-cold heart.

Chen Yi looks amazing in black.

The neon lights (because I’m a slut for that).

Also, the kissing (from both couples) is great.

You know, I did say that these would be series/films I absolutely do not recommend you watch. But I’ll actually recommend this one. Watch it. It’s great.

Unknown (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Age gap, “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers, etc.

This is another one I’ll actually recommend you watch because it’s great.

The main couple (Qian and Yuan) are the “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers while the age gap is most prominent between San Pang (Qian’s business partner) and Lili (Qian’s younger sister). There’s also the fact that San Pang is part of their chosen family and has seen Lili grow up and stuff. So, if that bothers you, then don’t watch it.

The biggest reasons I would personally recommend it to those I know aren’t particularly bothered by taboo topics are because:

The yearning is palpable (and I love shit like that).

Qian would move heaven and earth for his family.

The great story.

The even more amazing acting.

Some moments made me bawl (and since I'm an ice queen, I get obsessed with shit that shatters my ice and makes me cry).

I know I said my taste is trashy… but I would actually give myself a gold star for loving this one.

Now, back to the real trash…

Love in the Air (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, rape, MAME, etc.

Everyone and their aunt (or however the saying goes in English) seem to have an issue with MAME (the original creator of LITA and several other trashy BLs) and for good reason. (I would say that she improved a lot with Wedding Plan, which is the least problematic thing I’ve watched from her and it’s the latest series of hers, as of right now.) If she’s grown, remains to be seen. But it doesn’t change the fact that LITA has some issues.

Honestly, I just watch this for the visuals, as in the motorcycles and the neon lights. That’s it. That’s the reason.

I mean, if you look at the whole first sex scene between Sky and Prapai, you get what I mean with the neon lights. It’s divine. (I recently rewatched LITA for this very reason. A waste of time, you say? Not when you’re a slut for neon lights.)

Don’t watch this though! Just enjoy this gif instead…

I just saved you 13-ish hours of your life. You’re welcome.

TharnType and TharnType 2: 7 Years of Love (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, homophobia, domestic violence, MAME, etc.

Don’t watch this. This is bad. As in, really bad. And all the issues are in the main couple’s relationship.

But, since my taste is really bad, I rewatched this recently for horny reasons (it’s Mew, after all, and he’s got me in a chokehold for some reason). It’s still as bad as I remembered it, but I would still rewatch it for Mew’s sake (and because Techno is ridiculous throughout both seasons, which means I love him).

To be fair there are other, a lot spicier, series that I watch more often for horny reasons (yes, some of them are in this post because they’re trashy too), but none of them include Mew. And since I have to get my dose of Mew from time to time, I return to TharnType (especially the second season).

Big Dragon (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, blackmail, etc.

This isn’t that problematic in my opinion, but there is definitely a drug-induced sexcapade that’s taped and used for blackmail for a while. And that's how the series starts.

I recently did a rewatch of this and it was still bad (in a good way) and I loved every second of it.

What I love about this series are:

The visuals. The set designs are beautiful (especially Yai’s home and the bar, before he demolishes it). As a visual artist, this is speaking to my soul.

The chemistry between Yai and Mangkorn.

Pong and Park. Two idiots I love with my whole ice-cold heart.

And the title track because it’s addictive as hell to listen to.

Also, the sex (which my horny ass needs). Let's not forget the sex. Those scenes were also visually stunning, which made me love them even more.

Honestly, I'll kneel and bow down to this shit because it's that great.

Don’t trust my judgment, though, because my taste is trashy.

Only Friends (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Manipulation, stalking, promiscuity, etc.

This series is messy in terms of intrigue (especially from Boston and then Boeing’s part). The ending had some issues. The sex isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, either. I, on the other hand, would drink a whole pot of this.

Overall, I loved this trash. Mainly because of:

How visually stunning it is.

Sand. He’s a hardworking, good person. He’s also a proud bi!

How they depicted and handled Ray’s addiction and recovery. (I know some watchers were upset that the focus of the series landed on Sand and Ray towards the end while neglecting the other characters, which is a valid point. However, setting that aside, the way they portrayed Ray’s addiction and then his road to recovery in the last couple of episodes was realistic, and I loved it.)

The promiscuity, because I loved it and the mess it created.

Boston being a slutty asshole. The more of a slutty asshole he was, the more I loved him. (I know, it’s a me-problem.)

Boeing coming in and kissing (almost) everyone.

It’s trashy, it’s messy, and I love it!

But, I don’t recommend it to anyone.

My Beautiful Man 1, 2, and 3 Eternal (Japan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, obsession, bullying, lack of (or no real) communication, etc.

I love this series (2 seasons + 1 film), but I honestly don’t see it as particularly problematic. But I know others will disagree with me, so here it is on my list of trashy QLs.

I don’t mind Hira’s obsession because I know Kiyoi is just as whipped for Hira (even though he doesn’t know how to communicate it to Hira at first, especially in a way that Hira understands). Would I be okay with someone’s obsession and stalking in real life? Of course not. But, as I mentioned before, I’m mature enough to separate fiction from reality.

Also, I love miscommunicating characters, especially when the misunderstandings they create bring out all the emotions (angst, hurt, anger, sadness, embarrassment, etc.) and even the flight response. I especially love miscommunicating characters when they learn to communicate throughout the series/film. And this series is especially delicious on the miscommunicating part.

But, it’s also problematic, apparently. So, don’t watch it.

The End of the World With You (Japan)

Issues/TW: Blackmail, biphobia, cheating, etc.

I’ll be honest and say that I’ve only watched this series three times. And that’s because the biphobia is fucking annoying. In this series, the bi character is depicted as a cheater (which is common in QLs, btw). It’s an exasperating stereotype. Cheating has nothing to do with your sexuality and everything to do with who you are as a person.

(I mean, you can be a proud bi like Payu in LITA or Sand in OF. They have eyes only for one person as soon as they’re pursuing or dating someone. Give me more bi characters like this, please.)

We could discuss how cheating can be used as characterization in certain stories. But not in this one. Here, they’re basically using Ritsu’s bisexuality as the reason he’s cheating (since he’s sleeping with Masumi while having a thing going on with a girl, and then sleeping with a girl when he has a thing with Masumi), which is why it’s bothering me in this series.

If I’m going to tell you why I like this series, however, it’s for 2 reasons:

It’s about getting a second chance, a topic I love.

The sex (laser-focused horny Ritsu is my favorite Ritsu).

Check Out (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Biphobia, cheating, lazy writing, etc.

(It should be mentioned that I’ve read some comments about some issues involving the company behind this series. I haven’t dug deeper into this so I don’t really know if there’s any substance to the comments I’ve read (like official statements from the company or the other people involved, etc.). But I’m putting this out there in case this might be a potential issue for you (even though I’ve already told you that I don’t recommend you watch any of these because they’re all trashy).)

When I first checked this out at the beginning of this year, this series seemed to have created a storm of bad comments and reviews on MDL since it first came out. So, obviously, I needed to watch it because my taste is trashy.

And, you know what? I loved it!

Besides having the bi character depicted as a cheater (again, the use of this biphobic stereotype is so fucking annoying) and the sporadic clunky and stale scenes, I loved this series because:

It’s about second chances. As I mentioned before, I love that topic.

Best (the actor playing Daonuea) is the best in this series. There’s just something about him that grabs my attention every time. He has me in a similarly tight chokehold as Mew.

There’s sex (and my horny ass needs it).

But, it’s also trash, so don’t watch it.

Pit Babe (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Domestic violence, non-consensual, SA, age gap, etc.

This became popular. Really popular. I saw people comment about it everywhere. And usually, when stuff becomes popular, it’s more than likely reduced to trash quality by the general public. So, obviously, I had to watch it.

Did I end up loving it? Yes.

Honestly, the biggest issue this series had for me was the whole omegaverse thing (this was a new thing for me because I don’t come from an erotic fiction background, my head was rather stuck in fantasy fiction). And, from my limited understanding of this, they didn’t seem to fully commit to the omegaverse thing in Pit Babe, which was unfortunate.

The racing was also so-so for me, which hurt my soul because I usually love racing (cars, mcs, boats, etc.).

What I did like, however, was:

The chemistry between Pete and Kenta (and I’m so sad I only got crumbs of this).

Pavel (the actor playing Babe). I would watch and listen to him recite product placement scripts for toothpaste all day long.

The sex, especially the scene with Babe and Charlie in ep. 9 (even though it was mixed with clips from the racing) and Jeff and Alan’s scene in ep. 13 (because it was sensual, if we ignore the music).

The neon lights (have I mentioned that I’m a slut for neon lights?). I mean, just look at this:

I can watch that pinkish light all day long, even though Babe and Charlie are trying to distract me. (Especially Pavel!)

Dead Friend Forever (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Grooming, bullying, suicide & suicide attempts, etc.

Besides the issues listed above, this also suffered from lazy writing at the end. BUT, I fucking loved DFF anyway.

I never expected to love this series because it’s just a bunch of teenagers stuck at a house in the woods. How interesting could that be? Turns out, very.

DFF wasn’t perfect (perfection doesn’t exist anyway), but what I loved about it was:

The morally ambiguous characters.

The revenge plot.

The poetic justice.

The questioning of what was real vs hallucination.

The visually stunning shots.

The mask!

And Tan’s mask!

The beheading scene.

I could go on, but you get the point. I just love this piece of trash.

But, please, don’t watch it. You will suffer from brain rot. Trust me.

I, however, am currently rewatching this because I choose the brain rot. And my taste is trashy, remember? Or, perhaps I just love watching chaos unfold…

HIStory 3: Make Our Days Count (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, age gap, tragic ending, etc.

Everyone and their aunt and even their dog have an issue with the ending of this one. And it’s understandable.

I don’t necessarily like or dislike the ending. Obviously, the bury your gays trope is tragic in itself, and, tragically, it’s still being used. That’s why I couldn’t find myself liking the ending, even though I don’t mind tragic endings. (Romeo and Juliet is one of my favorite classics, which people tend to forget is a tragedy and not a romance, btw, but I digress…)

At the same time, though, this series made me cry for a whole episode before tragedy struck because I could feel it. And you have no idea how obsessed I get about shit that makes me cry (since I’m an ice queen).

(Another side note: one of my favorite BLs is Once Again, which made me bawl throughout the whole series. It’s not on this list because it’s neither trashy nor bad, but it’s still one of my favorites because it broke me in the best ways. But, anyway…)

The best part of this series from beginning to end was the other couple, at least for me. This couple is the one with the age gap (which, again, doesn’t bother me) and I fucking love them! One, because Wilson Liu (the actor playing Bo Xiang) is such a gem. Second, because their first time was such a spur-of-the-moment thing fueled by a desire that went from 0-100kph in less time than a Ferrari would. And I loved it (just as much as the squeezing of boobs from behind, which, for some reason, appeals to me).

Also, the twins are so pretty it’s annoying.

Do I recommend it, though? No, because I don’t have time to respond to the clap back I’ll get when you come to the end.

HIStory 4: Close to You (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, obsession, age gap, stepbrothers becoming lovers, etc.

This one has some problems (especially the relationship between Yong Jie and Xing Si), but I love both the series and its problems (yes, I’m trash). You could say that I’m as obsessed with this series as Yong Jie is with Xing Si. Would I get this series drunk and fuck the living daylights out of it? No. But I would watch it once every 3 months or so. Oh, wait… I already do that. Because I’m trash.

What do I love so much about this series (other than what I mentioned above):

It’s from Taiwan.

Li Cheng is ridiculous, which is exactly why I love him.

Every time I rewatch it, it gets funnier.

The chemistry between Li Cheng and Teng Teng is amazing.

As well as the chemistry between Yong Jie and Xing Si.

The kissing is just as amazing.

The main fujoshi girl, Mei Fang, is so cute I can’t handle her.

And the bathroom scene! In that lighting! It’s iconic!

I don’t care what anyone else says. This is fucking gold to me. But, then again, my taste is trash. So, don’t listen to me.

KinnPorsche (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, torture, Stockholm syndrome-ish, etc.

This is some next-level trash, and I fucking love it.

Two of the major relationships in this series (Kinn & Porsche and Vegas & Pete) are problematic at some point. Especially Vegas and Pete who have this whole captor/captive, torture, BDSM-ish type relationship. Of course, I love Vegas and Pete because my taste is super trashy (yes, it’s a me-problem, but I don’t force my taste on other people, so, for the love of all that is holy, don’t watch this!).

Other reasons I love this series and rewatch it from time to time:

It’s visually stunning! The cinematography is amazing. As I mentioned before, I’m a visual artist, so this is a very valid reason for me to watch it again and again. And again.

The neon lights.

The whole mafia thing.

The sex (because my horny ass needs it).

Playboyy (Thailand)

Issues/TW: SA, homophobia, suicide, etc.

I was debating whether or not to add this to my list solely based on the ending. However, up until that point, I really liked it.

The fact that every episode starts with a whole ass list of trigger warnings tells me this is my shit. And it was.

At times, it was so bad that it was good (until the ending, which was just so bad it was bad). The things I liked were:

The mystery.

Win (who played Nuth). His acting was great.

The chemistry between Nuth and Phop.

The tattooed daddy that’s Aob and his chemistry with Puen (there’s also an age gap here, btw, but as I’ve mentioned before, it’s fine by me as long as it’s legal).

The weird ass sex scenes (and the underwear).

And the not so weird ass sex scenes (like the ones between Aob and Puen and the ones between Nuth and Phop).

But, this series is trashy. Keep as far away from it as possible. If you still decide to dip in, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Red Wine in the Dark Night (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Obsession, blood, human blood bags, etc.

This is a queer film that’s BL-ish with some dark themes. Mainly, it’s about how far Wine would go to help the person he’s fallen for (or become attached to).

What I loved about this film was:

Fluke (who plays Wine). He’s such a great actor and I love him in everything he does.

Wine who is so desperate to love someone and be loved that he ends up doing some weird shit.

The darker and sadder vibe, which I love.

Irresistible Love 1 and Irresistible Love 2 (China)

(This is also called Uncontrolled Love.) 

Issues/TW: Obsession, homophobia, codependency, adoptive brothers becoming lovers, etc.

This is another queer film (in two parts) that is more BL-ish than the films I’m getting into below.

This depicts a weird relationship dynamic between Xie Yan and Shu Nian where Shu Nian was basically adopted into the family to become Xie Yan’s friend/babysitter/lackey. This is some weird ass shit, and I love weird ass shit so I really enjoyed this rare, uncensored, gem from China.

But, it’s also trashy. So, don’t watch it.

The next couple of films I’ll mention are (obviously) trashy, but also complex and deep (which is why I love them).

One Summer Night (South Korea)

Issues/TW: Obsession, dependency, oppression, etc.

This is a low-budget film from 2016 (so, production-wise, it’s definitely nothing like the usual stuff from South Korea you can watch on Netflix), but I love it.

It’s gritty, it’s raw, it’s explicit (an emphasis on explicit because you’ll see dicks), it deals with being a North Korean defector but ending up in an impoverished situation in South Korea, and it ends with a dubious ending you can interpret in different ways.

This is definitely not for the general QL viewers who watch QLs for the cutesy stuff.

And it's trashy. So, don’t watch it.

Dangerous Drugs of Sex (Japan)

Issues/TW: All the trigger warnings! Seriously. I feel like it’s better to say that so you’ll look up the TWs for yourself (if you choose to watch this, which I'm asking you not to) rather than me mentioning a few and forgetting others.

With this film, what others see are all the trigger warnings (and, yes, I see them too, they’re fucking obvious). However, I can see beyond that and watch it for what it is at the core: Two characters dealing with incredible grief.

Grief is a topic that often affects me and I can relate to it because I’ve had to deal with a lot of grief in my relatively short life. Watching a film like this where grief pushes the characters to their very limits will (often) get a special place in my heart, especially if done well. And it’s done very well in this film.

Do I condone the characters’ behaviors? No (especially not Yoden Ryoji’s). But I do understand that grief can send you over the edge (and in some cases throw you off the edge) because I’ve experienced it. I do understand that grief can cause you to make horrible decisions because I’ve done it (though, not this extreme). I do understand that grief can be self-destructive because I’ve been there. This film shows it all. That’s why I love it so much.

Do I recommend you watch this, tough? No. Don’t do it. This is not for everyone. It’s definitely not for those who watch QLs for the cutesy stuff.

But it is for me because I love trash. Especially good trash. And this is the best trash I’ve ever seen when it comes to gay films.

Anything by Scud Cheng

Lastly, I want to mention any film by Scud Cheng because…

And I’m an artist so art means everything to me.

Cheng is a screenwriter and director from Hong Kong. His films, the ones I’ve seen, are gritty, nude, and real. They are more on the art side than the others I’ve listed above, which is why they have a special place in my heart.

They’re also deep and explore themes like introspection (are we doing things because we believe they’re the right thing to do, or because external forces have “brainwashed” us to believe they’re the normal thing to do?), the porn industry and how it exploits young and queer men, death, politics, and love, to name a few.

These are not for the average QL watcher. They’re not for the faint of heart. They’re not for those who want an entertaining watch.

These films require multiple viewings. I’ve watched some once, some twice, and some more times, and I still find new themes and meanings woven into the stories. So, they’re complex and deep.

But, don’t watch them because I know you’ll come at me later. So, to spare us both the time and energy it would take to argue about this shit, just don’t watch any of it.

Now, if you still want to ask me for recommendations after all that, don't tell me I didn't warn you!

[lord-squiggletits]

Something else that makes me sympathetic to Pharma's situation is like. Idk if there's an actual term for this or if someone smarter and more academic wrote it about some real life context that actually matters.

But, so we've already established among Pharma stans that the circumstances at Delphi were blackmail/torture with no real way out that wouldn't involve Pharma being responsible for people getting killed (either killing patients for the deal or having everyone die bc he failed his end of the deal).

And I feel like while "he's still in the wrong because he killed people" is part of it, another sort of implicit part is the idea that Pharma should've been willing to take more personal risk, maybe even risk dying? I mean, Ratchet does ask "why didn't you just detonate it near the DJD" (to which Pharma responds that he did try to get Sonic and Boom to do it, but they refused) so like

Idk I feel like we do have this social notion of martyrs as a very romantic ideal, people you can praise for being so brave and strong and righteous that they ended their own lives for their cause, while you can also coo about how sad and tragic it is that dying is what it took for them to do the right thing. But at the same time I feel like in reality, having an expectation that people become martyrs is kind of a toxic social norm bc like. It's very easy to demand that others sacrifice their lives for some Ultimate Moral Good when you yourself aren't experiencing the same hardships as they are. And ultimately it is kind of fucked up to tell someone "the moral thing you should've done was risk your life/kill yourself" because asking someone to pay their life to do the right thing is no small request. And sure, the typical response would be to call them a "coward" for caring more about saving their own skin instead of doing the right thing... but again, death is a really scary thing and self-preservation is a really strong instinct, so it kind of feels like having this binary view of "you're either a Brave Hero who sacrifices your life for everyone else or a Dirty Coward who's too scared of dying to do what's right" is kind of fucked up?

I guess the best way to describe it is that if someone willingly gives up their life as a sacrifice to others, it can be a noble thing because it's a choice they made willingly, but if it becomes a Moral Standard that in order to be a Good Person you have to be unafraid of throwing your life away and if you aren't willing to die you're a Cowardly Bad Person, that's when it becomes toxic.

Idk, I guess how this ties back to Pharma is that he was never in a position where he expected to make these kinds of moral decisions/ultimatums. He's a doctor who doesn't even get into combat, his job is to heal and not to kill, he's behind the front lines in a hospital that's supposed to be a safe, neutral place for him to heal people. So in the face of suddenly having a "murder people on behalf of me, or I murder everyone you swore to protect" ultimatum thrust upon him, I understand why Pharma wasn't """"""""""brave enough"""""""""" to "do the right thing" (whatever that would've been in the case of Delphi). You could argue that maybe a frontliner soldier accepted the burden of possibly dying for their cause and they've become used to it as someone who lives that reality every single day, but I feel like for Pharma, who's a doctor and a protected non-combatant (from what we can tell), that sort of risking of his life/living with the fact his life could be snuffed out any day isn't something he would've been prepared for at all.

And for me personally, from an outsider's perspective, it strikes me as kind of unethical to go "oh well he should've just detonated the bomb himself even if it killed him" bc again, there's a difference between witnessing a moral conundrum as a bystander versus being the person living with it and being under time pressure where it's do-or-die. Just as part of my personal standards, I feel like death is such a huge consequence/burden of someone's actions (literally you are no longer alive, any potential you had left is cut short, you cease to exist on this plane) that it feels rather callous to go "Well you should've just been willing to die for your beliefs if you really cared that much!!!"

[lambentplume]

yapping aimlessly tonight

[thecartoonrambler]

Why Wander is such an important character

Very long post below!

Ill be rambling about Wander over Yonder, specifically, WANDER!!

The show in itself is already amazing, the episodes are short and fun, each character is oozing with personality and fun interactions and there are always ways in which it is all connected. Further on the animation of the show and overall look is absolutely adorable!

For me personally, Wander is simply such an important character and not for few reasons.

I love that Wander's silly happy go lucky personality is so addictive. He's a happy person, who gets happy by helping others in need, even to points where he gets himself in trouble (every episode LOL) But regardless i think they are such an important character traits to have (Happiness, altruism, Optimism).

In today's depressing and violent world, where everyone just fights with each other, a character like Wander can be a sense of hope or inspiration!

Of course, many main characters have these traits as well, but i think a key difference between Wander and many other optimist protagonists lies in their EXPERIENCE IN LIFE!

These other protags are innocent, naive optimists, because they haven't experienced "the real world" yet. And while it makes sense to have characters like these (as an allegory to growing up), they get really tiring and repetitive really quickly. They also commonly showcase optimism and naivety to go hand in hand. And its why a lot if people commonly believe that "realsim" is inherently "pessimistic" (it isn't btw. Theres good and bad in life, denying theres good, is denying reality)

Its extremely refreshing to have a main character like Wander, actually be hinted at being millennias old, repeatedly converting villains to good throughout the eons, out of a sense of duty (and perhaps also Pacifist revenge for his childhood, where its hinted that his entire planet was destroyed and he was the only survivor.)

not only is this also something that one learns, the more one watches (keeping the viewer intrigued) but the fact that so much about Wander's life and past is a mystery is what makes him a fascinating character. At first glance hes just some helpful guy, and the more you learn about him, the more you more you think "who is this guy?" Not in a negative way, but in a complete curiosity. Is it possible he's as old as the universe himself? If so does he know it? Who is he? What actually happened in his past? How did he live before his hat? Was there a time he wasn't as helpful? What caused him to change? Who is he? But at the same time, the viewer doesn't NEED to know. Theres no stress to, no hurry to uncover a mystery. Its like "mystery but it's actually completely low-key". I like that. (Im the kind to get into conspiracy theories or get crazy over plot holes, so the show managing this is insane)

Traits like these, especially in contrast to their personality being so so happy, child-like, goofy, charitable, it makes for an extremely interesting and fascinating character, that one doesn't commonly see in media! Which is really awesome! Someone that's seen so much horrors, lived through civil wars, yet tries to help a skeleton get together with a butch lesbian??

Its awesome!

Other that just that alone, he's helped me out personally! He in many ways reminds me of myself as a kid, i too was altruistic, always trying to help, struggled to say no, was positive and happy go-lucky and adventurous (well, as all kids i suppose), recently rediscovering the show made me realise how much i missed those personality traits in myself. That i had hidden them away, due to people making fun of me of being "too naive" and "too childish". Eventually Making me not talk to people really, and develop really bad self esteem. Rediscovering this show, and specifically how these "childish" traits can be seen in a very positive charming light, helped me realise that being scared of "coming off wierd", "coming off as toxic positivity" will always be worse than not being positive.... At all.

Ive heard from other people too that this show has helped them through tough times, and allowed them to reconnect with more positive thought patterns. Which is why i think characters like Wander are insanely important for media!!

Too much is too depressing all the time! We can create media (ESPECIALLY ADULT MEDIA) that isnt depressed. Positivity and happiness are not a crime! And im so glad a character like Wander exists to exhibit that!

[acefaun]

Hi, can i request a Thorin x human girl reader story? Reader is scared of Thorin because of the dragon-sickness and seeing that he slowly realizes his mistakes and apologized to her. Please 🥺 🙏

I know you can do it! 🥺💖

Thorin~ Dragon-Sickness

Synopsis: Being afflicted with dragon-sickness, Thorin fails to realize his mistakes until your fear of him shakes him back into reality. But he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. 

🍃Masterlist🍃 Female MC!

A/n: Dude. 🥺 Writing this hit me super hard considering not long after the dragon-sickness you-know-what happens to Thorin. I know you didn't mean to, but my FEELINGS are hurting and I hope yours hurt too after this! 🥺 

–Word Count: 2,889–

From the minute your party stepped into the Lonely Mountain, you knew what you were possibly getting into. You’d heard the horror stories of this place, stories which you thought were nothing more than what they were: stories. 

But… much to your heart ache, you were wrong.

You took Thorin’s desperation to get into the mountain as a simple determined wish to return home. After all, he was so close. You knew it would break him to have to turn around when his home was in his grasp.

There were… subtle changes that you noted upon gaining access to the mountain. You thought he seemed too merciless upon sending Bilbo to face the dragon. Sure… going into the mountain to retrieve the Arkenstone was the whole reason Bilbo was part of your company in the first place—he was your burglar hobbit. But… that didn’t mean any of you wanted to put him in any real life-threatening danger all on his own. 

The only thing that seemed to sway your feelings was that Bilbo was determined to do what he signed up for. He was going to help these dwarves reclaim their home, and it was an honorable choice, in your opinion.

However, Thorin even seemed to treat his dwarven allies much worse as time went on. You had all been searching tirelessly for the Arkenstone, but Thorin was less than pleased by any of your efforts; he wanted results. He wanted the Arkenstone in his hands. You helped as best you could, but to no avail. Your aid did not grant them restful nights and chances to stop for food—Thorin was impatient.

From there, things only proceeded to get worse. Your heart ached for the people of Laketown, whereas Thorin had seemingly no sympathy for them—this was only proven to you when Bard later failed to negotiate for their fair share of what was in the mountain. Thorin had indeed changed, and not for the better. You had never seen him more selfish than he was under the influence of this dragon-sickness.

To make matters worse, your heart broke when Thorin came to you and Bilbo, his most trusted supporters, with his concerns. “I have been blind,” he said carefully, eying the two of you as if you'd agree with his next statement. “Now, I begin to see. I am betrayed.”

You were both surprised by his sudden conclusion, but Bilbo was the first to question him. “Betrayed?” 

You couldn't tell if this was a personal accusation towards you or Bilbo, or if it was some mistake toward his kin. Thorin wasn't making his intentions or suspicions very clear, so you said, “Thorin… I think you're overthinking the situation. What could make you think-” 

“The Arkenstone,” Thorin interrupted, staring harshly as if he were accusing either you or Bilbo. But he was very swift at adding, “One of them has taken it.” He paused, a tense silence filling the air as if he were waiting for the so-called traitor to pop out. “One of them is false.”

You shared a worried glance with Bilbo who tried to calm Thorin’s irritation, “Thorin, our quest is fulfilled. You've won the mountain. Is that not enough?” Thorin remained stubbornly silent, convinced of his accusations. Pleadingly, Bilbo looked at you. “(Name)?”

Nodding in agreement with the small hobbit, you insisted, “We've all made it here together alive and well. We've won the mountain. You made it to your home, love.” 

Still, the dwarf King seemed to ignore all reasoning as he brooded, “Betrayed by my own kin…” He truly looked betrayed, and your heart ached for the pain he must have been feeling despite his mind being in the wrong place.

“You- You made a promise… to the people of Laketown,” Bilbo frantically tried to bring Thorin back to reality before he lost himself. I could tell that Bilbo’s feelings of concern were genuine and that he wanted to see Thorin in his right mind as much as I did. They were friends. “Is this treasure truly worth more than your honor—our honor? Thorin, I was also there. I gave my word.”

“For that, I am grateful,” he nodded. “It was nobly done by both of you. You've both shown true loyalty to me…” For the briefest of moments, he was soft and I saw a glimmer of the man I loved. “But the treasure in this mountain does not belong to the people of Laketown.” His tone took a sudden turn, and I was startled by his harshness—though, it seemed to be a pattern nowadays. “This gold… is ours, and ours alone. By my life… I will not part with a single coin… not. one. piece of it.”

“Thorin Oakenshield!” Your outburst caused Bilbo to flinch. He had never seen your anger; Even Thorin was taken aback that you had yelled at him. “You are a dwarf of honor,” you continued your heated rant, “You're a dwarf of your word—a respectable King. Why now are you treating the people who have followed you on this quest as if they are nothing more than petty thieves and liars?! This is your family and if you push them away, you will be left with no one; but all the filthy gold you desire will be yours and yours alone.” 

You simultaneously viciously defended the dwarves, complimented Thorin, and declared your stance of things before storming away. This only left Thorin in furious shock and Bilbo was quick to place a hand on Thorin’s chest, keeping the enraged dwarf from following you. Bilbo knew it wouldn't end well… 

Nodding his head reassuringly, Bilbo suggested, “I'll talk to her. I'm sure it was nothing but nerves working. After all... you are pitting her against her own people…” He awkwardly patted Thorin’s shoulder at the look of repressed rage in Thorin’s glare. Bilbo repeated, “I'll talk to her…” He quickly escaped Thorin’s brewing fury to track you down. 

It was needless to say that you were furious with Thorin. He clearly wasn't in his right mind to be making any sound decisions, so you aided Bilbo in escaping the mountain with the Arkenstone by providing him with some rope you found. After all, there had to be some way to help Thorin, and maybe the answer was getting the Arkenstone as far from him as possible. This dragon sickness had affected him too severely. You were fairly confident that the Arkenstone could be used as leverage to stop this oncoming war; Bilbo was the only way this war had a chance of being avoided. 

Though… maybe you should have come up with a different approach when the little hobbit was nearly killed by an enraged Thorin. You were much too late to step in and help, but you were ever grateful to Gandalf for coming just at the right time. He seemed to have an affinity for last-minute rescues. 

However, after viewing Bilbo’s safe retreat to Gandalf, you too retreated into the mountain so as not to face Thorin, your broken beloved.

***

It wasn't that much longer later when a war erupted outside of the sealed entrance of the mountain. It was primarily between elves, dwarves, and humans; that was until an army of orcs showed up, forcing the three races to band together in their fight… Well… All but Thorin and his company. 

There was chaos brewing, and all Thorin could think was to find you, his love… a traitor. “You…” He hissed. “I never imagined you'd stoop so low…”

Your eyes wearily trailed over the dwarf King you loved. How did it suddenly become just you and him there? Where were the other dwarves? Were you going to have to fight Thorin similarly to what you'd just seen happen between him and Bilbo?

Still, you felt disrespected with the way he was speaking to you. “You would have killed him,” you accused. “You'd have fought your own kin over something they didn't have! I couldn't let you do that…” 

“You knew he had the Arkenstone,” Thorin shot back with a deep frown, something you weren't used to seeing him with. He continued his accusations, “You knew he'd give it to our enemies.”

You huffed, incredulous at the pure audacity he seemed to throw your way. “They are not our enemies, Thorin! The elves, the men from Laketown, Gandalf, Bilbo… me. I'm not your enemy.”

“An ally…” Thorin started slowly, his eyes boring into you. “My love… would never choose another over me.” 

“It was in your best interest,” you replied quietly. You thought you were doing something good by ensuring the Arkenstone was out of his grasp, but it seemed he was too ill to see that you were only trying to help him. “Thorin,” his name came out in a disappointed sigh. “Bilbo’s right; you can’t see what you’ve become. You can’t see what this gold is doing to you.”

“So, you also think I should part with my treasure?” Thorin titled his head, but his expression wasn’t a pleasant one. “Man does not deserve the riches that rightfully belong to my people—to me! I am Thorin, son of Thrain! I am the King under the Mountain!” 

“You’ve abandoned your people to die out there in a needless war!” You argued fiercely, trying to get him to hear you. “You’re the reason Laketown has been turned to ashes, you almost killed Bilbo, and now you forsake the lives of those who have given you their loyalty!” 

“I am their King,” Thorin bellowed. “The number of lives lost is nothing compared to the riches this mountain holds. Life is cheap… A treasure such as this cannot be counted in lives lost. It is worth all the blood we can spend.” His words were heartless. You could see that he was looking at you but his eyes were glossed over with an ugly obsession; He was looking at you, but he could not see you; He was listening to you, but he could not hear you. 

You hummed absently, tears glistening in your eyes as you whispered, “You’re not the Thorin Gandalf introduced me to.” 

“Nor are you the woman I fell in love with,” he hissed. “She was not a deceitful wench.” After a tense moment of silence, his voice seemed to waver, as he ordered, “Leave… if you wish to live.” 

That was your breaking point where the tears dripped down your cheeks, but you didn’t give him the privilege of letting him see you break. Abandoning Thorin, you left to gather your things. Even after your long adventure, you didn’t have many personal items on you aside from the bag you’d come all this way with. 

But as soon as you mentally prepared yourself to leave your short-lived home, Balin stopped you, meeting you at the door of your room. Meeting each other’s gaze, Balin apologized, “Sorry you have to go through this, lass. Dragon-sickness can overtake even the strongest of us.” 

“I can’t blame him… for something he didn’t choose. But I also cannot stay to see a stranger in the eyes of the King I love.” You paused, your heart aching as you lamented, “We’ve been through a lot together, all of us, and we made it to Erebor. I’m sorry I can’t follow through until the end. If Thorin refuses aid, I will return to my people and help them myself.” 

Balin could only support you with a small smile. “Understandable, my lady. We wish you luck.”

“I would think the dwarves need luck far more than I do…” You offered a slight smile in return for his kindness before leaving. 

For extra measure, you took an extra bag filled to the brim with gold treasure. Just because Thorin had lost his mind with dragon sickness that didn’t mean you would forsake your people. You would do what Thorin could not. It was too late to repent for the war that had begun, and it might not have been enough for the whole of Laketown to rebuild their lives… but you prayed it would help lessen their suffering once this horrid war was over—at the very least, you hoped it would help the children and elder. 

However, when leaving for the exit of the mountain fortress, a voice sternly called out, echoing through the stone halls, “(Name)!” 

You froze, unable to face him, but fearful of his continued wrath—especially now that he was there to catch you making off with his gold. Warily, you uttered, “Thorin…” 

“Is this how you choose to end us?” Thorin asked venomously. “Stealing from me and making off with that bowman?”

End…? No. That’s not what you wanted—especially not with another man. You simply wanted to preserve what was left of something good while, at the same time, helping your fellow suffering people. Thorin surely had some audacity telling King Thranduil about the suffering of the homeless and suffering dwarves when he was going to leave the humans of Laketown homeless and suffering in the coming winter. 

But, for you, it was too late for running back to your people. Thorin caught you red-handed, and you didn’t have the will to fight him. You couldn’t protect yourself as you did Bilbo; you didn’t have the heart.

Tears blurred your vision as you turned to face him. “Thorin…” Your voice cracked as you looked at his blank expression. “I don’t want to remember you like this… But if you should kill me for trying to fulfill your broken promise…” You trailed off, your bags falling beside you, clattering with the weight of the gold coins. You couldn’t see him like this… His expression hurt your heart far too much, and that’s not the last thing you wanted to see if he decided to kill you. So you dropped to your knees, your head bowed in surrender. 

Thorin’s sharp eyes were glued to the bags beside you for but a moment, softening as they landed back on you… You were shivering before him, something… he never thought he’d see. Your cracking voice should have been enough to shake him, but seeing you trembling in terror on the floor struck a chord in him. He never wanted to see you like this—not because of him, of all people. He’d have killed anyone who had the audacity to make you cower in fear. Thorin’s throat tightened almost painfully as he quietly called, “My love…” 

You sharply lifted your wide, misty eyes, finding a kind-faced dwarf King gazing down at you with his hand extended. Sadness was deeply etched into his features; he no longer looked like a man possessed… Your throat tightened, and you choked out, “Thorin-”

He interrupted you, enveloping you in his strong arms, exactly where you belonged. “My love,” he repeated, again and again. “My love… I should never wish to bring you harm.”

An audible sob left your lips, your eyes flooding with tears that billowed down your cheeks and soaked into his sleeve. Your cheek pressed into his shoulder as you held him tightly as if he’d slip away at any moment if you were to let go. “You’re back…” You cried, “My Thorin.”

“I am… I will not let gold sway my loyalty to those I love.” He caressed your hair reassuringly, holding you firmly against him. You could feel how deeply he inhaled, taking in your presence in his arms, the feeling of you pressed into his chest—this was something he never wanted to lose, and neither did you. Quietly, he continued to speak, “I have a war to fight. Orcs are overtaking our forces. Will you wait for me? I will aid your people once we’ve won. I doubt that will be a suitable enough apology… But I will never stop seeking your forgiveness for all that I’ve done.” Pulling away enough to look at your face, his thumbs gently caressed your cheeks, wiping away your tears. Deep within his gaze, you could see the great anguish he felt for his actions; he loathed that he had hurt you. “(Name), I am sorry… Dwarves are foolish creatures.” “You are an idiot…” You agreed in a surprisingly delicate manner as you caressed his cheeks, your fingers lightly tracing over his beard. Despite your consistent hiccups and sniffles, your eyes were filled with infinite warmth and affection that could only be for him. “But I love you, Thorin. Please… Go help your friends. Lead your people. Save them.” You offered him a smile in return to his small, adoring one. “I’ll be here,” you promised. “I’ll wait for you.”

[lyluvsgyu]

Watching him fade away;

Part 1

Part 2

Genre: smut, angst

Warnings for this chapter: smut, a lot of angst and desperation, dacryphilia, dirty talk (beom calls reader a slut etc..), no protection (don’t do this), Slight breath play, overstimulating, oral(f receiving) , I think thats it!

A/n: hey so, I’m making a part two I hope the few people who saw part 1 will be satisfied with this! ^^ Enjoy!

Reminder: this doesn’t portray the members in real life at all.

"Listen y/n , I'm not sure of what I can say if I'm being honest here... First of all, stop crying, please... I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here with you."

It may seem like a harsh thing to say but he had the sweetest voice possible and the sweetest eyes, you knew he meant no harm in any way. Without releasing the tight grip you had on his shirt, and while your head was still on his chest, which smelled like his usual cologne, you eventually calmed down. Your eyes and face were still humid but no tears were filling them anymore.

"I think I respect you and appreciate you enough to tell you the truth y/n, I don't think I feel the same. I'm sorry if I lead you on, it wasn't my intention. It was all just in the heat of the moment, I didn't think it was serious. I thought not contacting you anymore wouldn't have bothered you. I shouldn't have assumed, sorry". He regretfully said, not letting himself feel for you, scared of everything going wrong. Beomgyu didn’t want to keep things casual, in fact he ached to know you more.

Sadly this was his reality, and couldn’t bring himself to let you in his heart, giving you the opportunity to break it. It was a defense mechanism and he couldn’t go against it.

His heart throbbed in pain the whole night seeing you break down like this, but he couldn’t help it. He felt it was best to protect himself and , at the same time, protect you from his doubts and real feelings.

Of course you knew none of that.

You definitely saw his response coming but it didn't make it any less painful to hear. he didn't want you back, this is, has always been, and will always be unrequited love. He was all too good for you, adorable, fun, intelligent, handsome, and good in bed. A girl like you could never interest him, you were selfish unhappy, and insecure. Even though he somehow changed you, you still remained the same deep inside, someone unlovable even for Beomgyu.

Without a warning tears came again, this time it was desperation that filled your whole self, disgust, and pity. You didn't quite whine and hiccup, like earlier, you cried to yourself, feeling ashamed. Your grip became loose and Beomgyu didn't move, patting your head while hugging you tight.

You truly didn't deserve any of him. You hated that he was still so kind to you? you couldn't even hate him. At this point the only person you could possibly hate is yourself.

"It's, it's fine you can.. let me go now" You said this with bitterness in your mouth, not wanting to ever leave his embrace.

"But can you grant me one last wish before I leave? I promise I'll never bother you after this."

"I, uh, I mean sure y/n, but-", his sentence was cut short, you shushed him softly, you knew he was going to say how he doesn't mind seeing you again, but for you, it was a bad idea, you were just going to fall deeper for him.

"I know what you want to say Beomgyu, but this will be the last time we will purposefully be seeing each other, I don't want to hurt myself anymore, I hope you get it"

"I do"

"Then could you please make this last meeting the best we've ever had?"

You weren't sure about this but it was definitely worth a try. He chuckled lowly and said "You're really a slut, aren't you? All you can think is about my dick? Pathetic, and here I thought this was serious."

The shame you felt was overcome by the sheer excitement you felt, if this was going to be the last, then at least make it worth it.

Beomgyu went on to lift you up, princess style, not saying anything. You looked up , into his lust filled eyes through your eyelashes. When you arrived at his bedroom, you didn’t even get the time to look around and grasp the new surroundings, as he harshly put his lips against yours.

He was on top of you for a few seconds , but then flipped you around to sit on him, more precisely on his crotch. You gasped at the feeling of his semi hard dick against your hot cunt.

“Tell me exactly what you want from me”

He said harshly, while rocking his hips into yours, you were already softly whimpering at the friction, unable to control yourself you roll your hips to match his pace as you throw your head back and hold his shoulders for support.

“I think I asked a question, didn’t I? Answer me now you desperate slut”

You moaned at the way he was treating you and answer in a whisper that he still heard

“I want you.. Please make me feel good , fill me up, please”

You practically begged him. Seeing you so desperate for his cock made beomgyu twitch in his pants, wanting to absolutely wreck you and make a mess of you. He wants to see you cry and beg endlessly.

He smiled a bit before going back to your lips, easing his tongue into your mouth. You were sloppily making out, while hips rocked against yours and his hand grabbed at your ass. You let some moans escape your lips. You wanted more. And it’s like he read your mind because he easily flipped you over, took your little dress off from you, and stared at you, with what seemed for a split second affection.

You didn’t have time to think much about it because as soon as the dress was tossed somewhere on the floor, he immediately went down toward your awaiting and dripping pussy. He swiftly teased you with his fingers, sliding them softly along your slit and your clit on top of the white fabric. He formed circles with his middle finger around your clit, and a wet patch was starting to form on your panties. He then licked up your pussy, with his tongue flat, making you whimper. This went on for a little, he endlessly teased you and licked you through your lace underwear. You couldn’t bear it anymore, your eyes were watering with frustration and you said

“Beomgyu stop teasing me..! Please… I want you in me”

He smiled, removing your panties harshly, almost ripping them off. And within a second he was eating you out like he never did. You immediately went to grab his hair and moaned as he licked at your clit. It was very wet, and he introduced two fingers into you. He switched from flat licks to sucking on your clit to stimulating it extremely fastly all while pumping his fingers in and out of you.

You were a moaning mess, calling out his name and grasping his hair to pull him closer. The stimulation was so good that you started closing your legs on him, not being able to handle it. But with his free hand, he pulled your legs apart, and mumbled on your pussy something along the lines of “stop moving”.

You were getting closer and closer, moans getting louder and his name coming out more and more. With him touching you how he knew you loved. And he could feel you clenching around his fingers and grabbing harder at his hair. It was his sign to halt. He sucked at your clit one last time and got up from between your legs. You were shocked and your eyes were wide. Not understanding why he stopped as you were so close, you were so frustrated you felt your eyes water once again.

Which was exactly what he wanted.

He grinned seeing you cry out of frustration, seeing how good he made you feel and how you already looked fucked out with your messy hair, swollen lips, and mascara running down your cheeks. He couldn’t resist the urge and kissed you. He grabbed your neck harshly with one hand, choking you slightly while the other hand unclasped your bra to feel up your boobs. You lean into the kiss and the slight shortcoming of air made you even more hungry for him.

“Get on all fours for me whore”

It was unexpected but you didn’t fail to obey. Going on all fours, exposing yourself fully to him. You arched your back and awaited his touch. Then you felt a harsh slap to your ass. You moaned out in pain and pleasure.

“You obey me so well hm? Good girl. I see you even arched your back for me? Are you that excited?”

You didn’t answer, mind all too fuzzy to even know what to say. Then a second slap to your ass came.

“Didn’t I tell you, when I ask you a question you answer, and here I thought you were good for me. You fucking whore. Are you so impatient for my dick that you can’t even think?”

He scoffed, and you answered before he could slap you again.

“m’ sorry… m’ so excited.. want you so bad gyu please I need you”

He felt himself get as hard as a rock at the nickname and the begging while tears rolled down your cheeks. He himself was getting worked up.

He removed his pants and his boxers, and his shirt. While you were still on all fours for him.

“Are you ready doll?”

The sudden nickname made you melt as you hummed a yes in response. He didn’t wait much longer before he spat on his dick and pumped himself a few times. You were already dripping so there was no need for more lube. He slowly eased himself into you as you moaned loudly “beomgyu ah… oh my god so big!”. He felt proud and eventually bottomed out, moaning at the feeling. “You like it huh? My dick fills you up so well. I’m the only one who can make you feel like this understood slut?”, you didn’t even think about the true meaning of this sentence and whimpered while saying loads of yes.

He slowly started to fuck you, grabbing at your waist. Then he suddenly fastened the pace and fucked harshly into you, slapping your ass with force. You moaned at every move he made, not being able to think at all. Calling out his name, as the only thing you could remember right now. Beomgyu is all that filled your mind. “Ah.. so good for me, so tight and wet” beomgyu let out. He then grabbed a fistful of your hair to pull your head back so he could kiss you. It was passionate and filthy, spit coating your lips and around it. He swallowed all your moans like it was the sweetest drink ever. Then he went on to mark you up, leaving hickeys down your neck and back, bite marks as well. He leaned forward and grabbed your boobs, flicking and twisting your nipples and his pace never faltered. He kept slamming into you with no mercy. You were a screaming mess, crying overwhelmed with pleasure and stimulation, you couldn’t even stand with your arms. Beomgyu noticed this and flipped you around, never getting fully out of your dripping pussy, filled with a mix of his precum, spit, and your juices. He got on top of you, putting your legs around his waist as he continues his pace. You hook your arms around his back, scratching him without even noticing. Both of your moans fill the room and you feel yourself getting closer to the edge. At this point, your makeup is long gone and you can’t stop crying while screaming his name. You manage to babble out “m’coming!!”. Before he slams harshly into you and rubs at your clit, he says “come for me doll”, he pushes you over the edge and you feel yourself exploding on him, completely dick drunk, melting by his touch. And needless to say, he loves it, he wrecked you and you feel so good coming around his hard length. He continues ramming into you chasing his own release. You feel extremely overstimulated and feel a second orgasm washing over you as you can’t even say anything, just cry his name out. And he comes into you as you come for the second time. He rides out both of your orgasms by slowing his pace and kissing you softly. Weirdly enough, you immediately doze off to sleep, maybe passing out from exhaustion.

You hear background ruffling and you open your eyes, it’s still night time but you’re clothed in an unknown shirt. You see him picking out a jogging and walking towards what seems to be a shower. You want to reach your hand out to him but you’re too tired. He enters the shower and closes the door behind him. Without noticing you. You feel clean down there but still sticky. You want to take a shower as well. But truthfully you don’t want to go further than sex. Going in the shower with him seems like disregarding his feelings for you. But you can’t help yourself. You’re selfish and you know it.

You knock at the door and call his name lowly. You hear the water stop, and him saying “yeah? You can enter the room y/n I don’t think I have anything to hide”, he chuckles and you do too. For a second you feel a connection with him, you feel like this is intimate and that you’re special. You quickly discard that thought tho.

You walk in and see him rubbing soap on himself. He explains that you passed out after it so he cleaned you up with a damp towel and put you in one of his shirts. You slept for a good while as he had the time to pick up your clothes and put them in the washer before wanting to shower.

You find yourself smiling at the action.

But you know it’s over now.

You know that the marks on your body will eventually fade and the ones on his back as well.

So you decide to rip off the bandage and move on with your life.

“Thank you beomgyu, for everything truly. I enjoyed every moment I spent with you, from the sex to the split moment where I got to know you. Thank you for making me feel special even just a tad bit. I won’t be mad at you because you don’t like me back. I understand. I hope you find someone that makes you as happy as you made me, you truly deserve it.” you laughed a bit before continuing “I’ll be stealing one of your pants, but don’t worry I’ll give it back to you, you can give me back my underwear as well then. Thank you so much for tonight. Goodbye".

With that, you turn your back to him, as you try to move your legs to leave, and you're not sure if it's because you're exhausted or because you really don't want to leave; perhaps a mix of both. But you can't make the move. Tears well up in your eyes and a lump grows again in your throat. You try your best to keep it in until you muster up the strength to leave. And as you make a step towards the door, you feel a wet hand grabbing yours.

You shockingly turn your head to look behind you, only to be met with an equally as sad and confused beomgyu.

You stare at him as tears flow down your cheeks and his, you don't get it and neither does he, but eventually, he lets go of you. And you understand that he took the step and him letting go of you meant that it was officially done. You turn around to the door once again, and you start to leave. As you walk out the door, you think you hear a whisper of beomgyu saying "sorry..i'm sorry"

You don't try to get why he is sorry and simply leave. You get it, it's over.

You walk out of his house, and the next day, it's like nothing ever happened. He still lingers your thoughts when it's especially cold outside, but that's it. The only time you'll ever meet again will be to get your stuff back. But will that day ever come?

It's been about 1 week and a half, and you think to yourself that the day will never come. So, you simply put his stuff on a shelf in your apartment, a small sign that you're still awaiting his call that may never come.

Beomgyu is lost deep in thought and tries to let go of you, he wants to forget it all. He knows you mean no wrong, but he's still scared. You never leave his mind, but he's never going to call.

You're now both unknowingly waiting for a love that will never occur. All you can do is watch the other from afar wondering how their loving embrace would feel like.

Not everything ends up like you wish.

[zmickmilk]

What do you think fionas childhood was like 💓

I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY thanks for asking :pp.

I used to be a reallly big fiona fan, so I've thought about this a lot.

I imagine fionas upbringing was similar to Debbie's in alot of ways. They both find themselves in problematic relationships, forced to look after their siblings.

Fiona is mentioned to have a LONG sexual history as early as s1, where she's only 21. Given the lack of attention and validation she was getting, I think fiona has been having sex since she was a child. She probably fell into the "mature for her age" group. Her parents were neglecting her, possibly physically abusing her (we've seen Frank hit his kids in the show), and she wasn't able to get academic validation because she had to drop out. It wouldn't surprise me that this led her into having older bfs and stuff like that.

This makes even more sense to me given how she reacts to her siblins minor /adult relationships. Fiona didn't have anyone to tell her that her relationships were wrong, so when she saw her siblings going through the same thing, she saw nothing wrong with it. Like when she says that ned and Ian is "just sex"

We also see that she , like Debbie and a lot of the other female characters, is scared of abandonment. She tells Jimmy Steve that everybody leaves and keeps going back to Jimmy even though she knows he's bad for her because she's desperate for someone to stay. She rushes into relationships, remember when she married someone after like a week of daiting ?? Fiona has a hard time accepting love even though she craves it. She cheats and ruins one of her most stable relationships. I think that all comes from the way she was treated in her romantic relationships as a child. Of course, a lot of her abandonment fear comes from Monica, too.

Okay moving away from guys.

We know fiona ran track in school and that she was really fucking good at it. This was probably one of the most stable things in her life, an activity away from her siblings and the stress of home. Running is a good way to feel in control. I think fiona developed problems around running ? I'm not sure what exactly you would call it. Fiona would push herself too hard on the track so that she was responsible for the aches she felt instead of them being stressed. I can also imagine having an ED around this time. Her siblings are young, so they're struggling even more with money than normal. She starts to skip meals, and eventually, she finds control in what she eats when she's forced away from track.

I imagine fiona to be relatively popular in school, mainly with guys, but she struggles to keep real outside of school friendships. This changes when she meets Kev and V. I think they probably met after she dropped out of school. V is like 23, I think, in the first season and Kevin 25 ish ? I'm not really that sure, but we know fiona didn't go to school with them. Kevin and V helped fiona a lot, and she definitely needed them. They started to help her with the kids, and for once, she had people on her side. Things get better for her when she meets them.

Baby fiona (5-12) was definitely the in ur face demanding respect, kinda kid. She was sassy and always trying to seem as strong as possible. She will haggle prices for anything and isn't afraid to scam and cheat to get what she needs for her family. But I also imagine her being good at acting sweet. She's a great sweet talker. This is a prominent trait Ian has, and I think he got it from his big sister.

Teens, she's all about drama. Boy drama petty teen girl drama, watching reality TV when she can and stealing gossip magazines. I think she latches onto the typical teen girl image hard. She definitely has a short phase of always getting dress coded. I don't think this lasts that look tho.

Same as in the show, she's always got a new job, sometimes working 2 or 3. She's stressed ofc but learns a lot. She has little hacks and tricks for almost any job. She's resistant in the way she will do anything. Nothing is too dirty or hard for her.

Her relationship with Frank is complex. Fionas Frank's favourite, but she's also the oldest and likely the one he takes his anger out on most. When ur someone's favourite, it hurts them even more when they feel you messed up. I don't think Frank was consistent with his abuse, but it was definitely there. Frank was a 'good' dad sometimes. Fiona gets to know Frank when his alcoholism and drug use wasn't at its peak (He gradually gets worse with age) So fiona got more good dad moments but also felt the disappointment harder as she watched him get worse.

Fiona tells lip (pretty sure it's him) that he's always been Monica's favourite in s1, and I think she has always thought that. Later on in the show, u obviously see Ian and debbie are monicas favourites, tho. I don't see Monica and fiona ever being particularly close. Fiona was hit hard when Monica leaves for the first time, Frank's a mess, and now she has the unfortunate job of explaining that she's gone to her siblings. Unlike her younger siblings, who are probably too young to fully understand what's going on, fiona feels the abandonment full force.

Fiona is 4 / 5 yrs older than lip, right? (Their ages confuse me so bad) so she I'm guessing she was always in a different school than him. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if he's in elementary school, she's in high school. Fiona has to miss school to run all over the place and collect her siblings from different places. She might have to be the one to unroll her siblings in school, too, a couple times.

Finally just some random things

She has a purple flip phone at one point that she's super protective of

She loves family movie nights and would try to do as many as possible.

She cried when Debbie was born cause she was so excited to have a sister.

Similarly she cried when Ian was born cause he was a boy and she wanted a sister.

She really wanted a pet when she was young

She has 100s of diary's from yrs and yrs of writing in them (we see Carl read one)

Would always struggle with her hair cause it's curly and v helps her learn how to style it even tho she hardly does

She's the kind of person who finds comfort in sitting on the floor, in the bathroom, bath tub

Had a pink hating phase

Had a collection of different fake IDs by the time she was 16

Definitely got in at least 1 fight in school cause of boy drama

Hated cooking

ANYWAY I love fiona

[genderkoolaid]

Hi I'm ND and I was wondering about your experiences with religious beliefs? I saw your post and it definitely resonated with the frustration I had engaging in spiritual communities because people are never Normal about it. I guess I'm also wondering how to navigate with discernment regarding spiritualism as someone with intrusive thoughts and other issues, if you feel like you're able to shed some light with your personal experiences of course. Have a good day!! ☀️

So I personally deal with intrusive thoughts, paranoia and delusions, while also being deeply religious & having mystic experience, which as you can imagine can be very stressful! its hard talking to people about that because its so easy for people to just go "oh you're psychotic so you can't be trusted on your experiences."

when it comes to psychotic stuff: for me the #1 thing i keep in mind when it comes to this is learning to not focus on whether a certain experience is "real," but rather if it is helpful. this is one of the things thats been repeated to me many times & its been very helpful keeping in mind. trying to prove whether or not something spiritual is "real" is an absolute mess for the sanest of people (mostly because i think the conflation of spirituality and science as like. opposing forces has done so much damage to how we think about it but anyways). but something solid you can ponder is how a certain belief or practice helps or hurts you. instead of "is x real or am i crazy," ask "how does x affect me? does it make me feel more equipped to deal with life? does it inspire me to connect with others and with myself? is it causing me mental or physical stress/harm? is it causing others harm?" these focus you more on things you can identify immediately. you can also ofc combine this with things like reality checks & secular ways of coping with delusions/paranoia/hallucinations.

as a general rule it's good to take your time with any sort of spiritual/mystical experience and think through it, what you felt, possible causes (spiritual and secular), and what you might do because of it. don't feel the need to rush into anything, it's not a sign of failure to be thorough and contemplative and open to many possible explanations.

additionally, we have this idea in our minds that if something has a spiritual origin it can't have a physical explanation, which is silly to me. even if there is a biochemical explanation for something, that doesn't mean its not a spiritual experience; we are fleshy creatures. there's no reason why our spirituality can't be fleshy too. if someone has hallucinations because of brainweirdness, that doesn't mean they can't ascribe spiritual meaning to them; and it also doesn't mean they have to ascribe spiritual meaning to every hallucination. something something why must our humanity be antithetical to god-or-what-have-you.

on intrusive thoughts: i don't have moral ocd, although i used to have religious compulsions. i don't really anymore because my beliefs/experiences have re-affirmed many times that god-or-what-have-you is not going to get mad at me for not doing x thing Good Enough, and the "does it hurt or help" rubric also helps me remember that the things that help me feel good and healthy are what is best for me spiritually. if you feel scared and stressed and self-hating constantly, that isn't going to make you a better devotee/follower/practitioner, its just going to tear you apart until you can't function.

i saw a post a while ago talking about prayer/meditation when you have ADHD & get distracted by thoughts easily, and i think its helpful for that + disruptive intrusive thoughts: instead of trying to stop thinking them, you can just incorporate them. if you can't stop thinking about a hyperfixation, you can meditate on what interests you and why. if intrusive thoughts won't leave, you can vent about that to god-or-what-have-you.

the thing about mainstream religion/spirituality is that it is by and large made by sane neurotypical people, for them. ND/mad people are either demonized or, sometimes mythologized, but we are always being viewed as outsiders. we haven't been allowed to have spiritual autonomy and create our own intepretations and practices that match our unique ways of thinking and perceiving the world. once you realize this you have to start pointing out where a practice fails you and then take it into your own hands- this is why i have found religion so helpful for me, because i have found/made interpretations that affirm me. if you follow a sacred text, you can reject literalism & that it perfectly reflects the actual words of the divine. you can reject the mainstream interpretations that cater to racism/sexism/homophobia/transphobia/etc. and find new ones or make your own. you can adapt rituals to your needs or make entirely new ones. and once again find other people who are also brainweird and spiritual and talk with them about what they do & believe. god is crazy too etc etc

[mykinkyyandere]

Hello there! May I request that the reader keeps trying to escape so Anakin starts to get angry and then you decide what happens from there. Also I absolutely love your writing and take your time! ☺️

Who Am I

AO3

Pairings: Yandere! Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader X f!Reader

Summary: You wake up on the ground, having no memory, hoping for someone to save you.

Warnings: Yandere, obsession, possession, escaped reader, loss of memory, fainting, physically hurt reader (by accident), kidnapping, threats of violence and death, noncon/dubcon touches/kiss, Darth Vader is still Anakin Skywalker, he isn't burned or harmed.

A/N: Thank you 🥺

When you opened your eyes, you had a very bad headache. You were on the ground, it was raining, and you just realized you were cold. Your head was numb as you tried to make sense of what was happening, you felt like you were in a dream. But you weren't. Gradually you came to grips with reality as the cold more penetrated your skin, the more the rain poured on you. Your body lying on the ground was real. You were out on the ground in the middle of the night and... But how was that possible? What happened to you?

Fear swept through your body as your brain finally started to work. Your eyes were already filled with tears as you tried to get up with the support of your hand. Did someone do something to you? What happened? What, what, what... What! What happened to you? Your sobs escaped your lips. You saw that you were wearing only a thin white dress. No underwear, no shoes, no socks. Just a thin white dress. You looked around. There was neither a bag nor a shoe. You were so weak and unable to stand up. That's when you realized you couldn't remember anything. What was your name? Where were you from? What kind of life did you have? No, you didn't remember anything, and that terrified you.

"Help!" Your voice was trembling from crying. You called for help with all your might, but your voice was not strong enough and for some reason there was no one in the street. Despite being surrounded by buildings and lying in the middle of the ground, there was not a single life sign. Actually, where you were was quite... different. Like, it was extraterrestrial, like it belonged to a different universe, but you were too scared to care. All you wanted was to be saved.

"This way!" You heard a man shout and footsteps running towards you. You looked in that direction, hoping that help had arrived, not even thinking that the incoming people might be malicious. "We found her, my Lord."

Armed men in strange white armors surrounded you, giving way to the huge man speeding towards you. He was pitch black, with a helmet on his head like the others, but it was black. He was very tall and made a chilling sound. It was like... it was the sound of breathing. Interestingly, it was very familiar to you and you had mixed feelings, but you didn't understand it. The man scared you so much and you thought he would do more harm than help. You tried to crawl backwards but a sharp pain was sustained and you stayed where you were. "Ahh!"

"Who did this to you?" You could almost feel the man's radiating anger. "Tell me who did it!" Suddenly, something red appeared. This thing was like a sword. How was that pos... Who was he?

"You've escaped from me so many times and you never gave up no matter what. I can't stand it anymore. Look what happened to you! Your precious life, which I protect from all harm, which I hold above everyone else, got hurt. I knew that your pathetic escape attempts could turn out so badly, but you ignored it. What did you think? That you'll have an easy and safe life without me? That you'll be happy without me? Look at you. Whoever did this to you, along with everyone else, will pay dearly for it, and no matter how much you beg, I'll never stop hunting this time.

He was ready to attack someone but then closed his red... sword and took you in his arms. You were so scared when he approached and touched you that you couldn't even look at him. Why did he talk like you have a past? You didn't know him. "Please don't hurt me. I don't know what you're talking about."

"Why would I hurt you? When did I do that?" He dried your wet body a little with his cape and wrapped you around it to protect you from the rain. Then he took off his helmet and you should have said, you weren't expecting that expressive face from under it. Sharp, intimidating, charismatic. "Why are you so afraid of me? It's almost the same as when we first met. Your heartbeat and fear are so intense. Even though you hate me, you always feel a sense of relief when I save you. I like it so much, it's like you finally fell in love with me. Maybe that's why I didn't stop you from running that much. To feel that feeling when I rescued you. To the times when you were grateful that the man you were trying to get away from was close to you. But this... This escape was the last straw, my angel. I... thought you might die. Do you understand? I thought..."

You just looked at him with your red eyes and tried to understand. Your eyes went wide when he kissed you. He kissed you! You tried to push him away but it hurt and you were so weak. You had no choice but to moan and hope it would end. After a few moments, he left your lips and put his helmet back. The white armored men followed him as he sped along, carrying you in his arms. "You can't even leave our bedroom from now on. You asked for it, my angel." His anger was clear, but you could still feel him holding back. "You'll be fine and you'll get over the shock, and then you'll tell me what happened. But first I want you to be well. You must be well. There's no rush." You thought he was saying this more to convince himself. He secretly wanted to learn all the answers and do what he said immediately, but you were more important. So who were you?

"I don't understand, I don't know you. Who are you? I'm so scared!" You burst into sobs. "I don't know who I am or who you are, what's going on? Why can't I remember anything? What happened to me?"

As soon as the words spilled from your lips, he froze up. He didn't say anything, didn't move. He just looked straight ahead. You tried to guess the expression on his face under his helmet, but it was impossible. "Please say something."

He didn't say anything but turned his head to you. He just looked and looked and looked. At least you guessed so. You wondered what was going through his head. So was he going to let you go? Was this all a misunderstanding? Did he mixed you up with someone? But he kept walking, leaving you even more confused. "You hit your head. Don't worry, you'll be fine. I'll do everything I can to make sure you remember. Even if you don't remember, we'll turn a new page. Maybe then your thoughts of me will change. Maybe this is a chance for our love."

[telekinetic-electronica]

bendy, "ink demon", and trauma responses

I've recently got back into Bendy. (tbh this shit is never gonna be going away this has been my special interest for 7 years FDKJNDSJKFD) and I did some thinking on him again. It's crazy to me on how... dehumanized Bendy was. While, yes, he's not an actual human, but he's still, y'know a person. He has feelings, he's conscious. He just doesn't have a soul. Which brings me to this post. The Ink Demon has never been called by Bendy. Which, you're all like "well, duh. That's his ink form. His other form is his toon form, just to tell which forms apart." I know that's possible the case. But I do wanna look into this attitude a bit more. When Bendy was first created, Joey literally called Bendy a THING, and for him to lock him away because he wasn't what he wanted. His literal crime was looking scary. So, Thomas Connor and Gent by the request of Joey, locked Bendy away for... God knows how long. Tbh, it's never clear on how Bendy ever acts, but Bendy was probably scared out of his mind. Can you imagine you're finally made and some people are talking. You have no idea what's going on, but this Joey dude says that you're wrong. You came out wrong. You are a mistake. You're suppose to be loveable, silent, and small. But you're not that. You're tall, empowering, posing, and not even a real chance to prove you're not as scary as you look. You aren't even called by your name, nor the title you would gain via your infamy. You are a thing. You are not someone who has emotions or needs, a thing. You are a monster. Now, you're locked away, probably terrified, and calling for help but people around you are too scared of you to help or don't wanna face the wrath of this Joey Drew.

I think Alice said this best back in Chapter 4 of the original game. At the studio, you were in someone's pocket, or someone was in yours. The studio was a disaster pit. Even if not everything happened was "real" or w/e, Joey was still a dickhead to everyone around him. Bendy was no exception. I think Bendy probably learned the best way to survive the studio, and the harsh reality around him was to manipulate. Bendy is a pretty good manipulator, he can get into someone's head, mess with them, and still taunt them. No one is born or created evil. That's a learned method.

In extreme cases of trauma, many people are in survival mode and thinking about themselves to survive, and how they can get by. This is because their safety, wants, and needs weren't being met. Not to mention, Joey and Gent just threw Bendy into the cartoon world, probably to just lock him away forever. Joey locked Bendy up for God knows how long, and now he's in this like- cartoon world version of the studio. He goes from nothing to everything in one fell swoop. This just made Bendy retreat more into himself. It just made his coping mechanism of always having to be on top, always being in control, the one everyone needs to fear. Because, fuck it.

If he's so horrible, if he's so monstrous, if he's so terrible, than he'll just become it. Minus when Bendy meets Audrey in his toon form, Bendy doesn't have anyone. Bendy has never been shown any warmth, kindness, or love in his entire life. The only thing he does know is pain, suffering, coldness, been abandoned, and been made out to be a monster. Which brings me to this - no one has every called the Ink Demon by his real name.

Even when he's technically no longer being locked away, and ruling the cartoon studio, he's still been dehumanized. Or never seen as a fellow victim of the machine and Joey. Everyone has said to BEWARE the Ink Demon, look out for him, and watch your back. The one rule down there was always beware the Ink Demon. Hell, Bendy calls himself the Ink Demon. Bendy has just embraced the title of being seen as this almighty, opposing figure. People either blindly worshipped him or feared him. They never saw him as someone who was unjustly hurt. Unjustly locked away and abandoned. Unjustly painted as a monster because he didn't turn out the way Joey wanted him to be.

You know who has called Bendy by his name? Someone, for the first time, called him by his real name and not some title?

Audrey.

Audrey is the first person to show Bendy any kindness or warmth. While, yes, it was in his toon form. He actually gets treated like a person. Someone who has emotions, and even APOLOGIZED when she, on accident, hurt him. And Hell, dude accepts it! I really hope, going forward, as a way for Bendy to heal when he's in his Ink Demon form, Audrey shows him the same compassion and kindness in that form of his. But she also calls him by his name. Bendy. Not to mention...

The cycles are interesting to me. It could possibly just being a plot thing. But it could be seen as a continuing of generational trauma and toxicity, and Audrey is the one who stops it. Joey clearly has some shit going on. He hates not being in control and wants to be in control of how other people perceive him. So, he turns out destructive towards everyone. Which is... eerily similar to how Bendy treats his own trauma. Bendy and Joey were physically and emotionally destructive to the people around them. It's also kind of sad because Bendy thinks he's in control of the studio. Dude says it's his domain, when Joey was still in control all along.

Bendy is continuing that toxic cycle. Then Wilson comes along and projects his own trauma, and issues. While the cycle stopped, Wilson didn't make it any better, and probably made the cycle for everyone in the studio just worse. By Audrey having the book now, she's putting a stop to the generational trauma via helping out everyone still trapped and helping Bendy out. That's why I've been calling Ink Demon, Bendy.

Because that's his name, after all.

ADD ON-; I just wanna say that Bendy was HARDCORE self projecting on Audrey near the end. I also wanna touch on Bendy and suffering. Bendy was so miserable, and had nobody he just gave into his own suffering, and became the Ink Demon. If he has to suffer, he's going to make everyone else in the studio suffer. He only found any purpose was in harming others. Also, obvious disclaimer this doesn't justify what he does to the people he has hurt. It explains it, doesn't justify it.

It's just downright depressing that he thinks he had no purpose, his existence was a lie, thought of himself as a mistake, and monster. To be frank, I wouldn't be surprised if Joey called Bendy a monster or a mistake. He did call Bendy a THING after all. I really hope Bendy does get to heal and realize his purpose doesn't need to be him suffering and he can have SOME peace.

[hatsunevitu]

SO i’ve been thinking about this plot when cartman dies. or rather, particularly about kyle’s reaction to cartman’s death ‘cause yk. kyman is rotting my brain.

first of all i strongly believe that everyone who thinks kyle would be happy or indifferent about cartman’s death are mischaracterising him so badly. like. come on. you don’t have to ship kyman to understand this would be a major shock for him and he would possibly even blame himself. think whatever you want, but they’re still best friends no matter what.

then, um, i think that only three people would actually react to cartman’s death properly, and it’s stan, butters and kyle. but stan’s reaction would be something similar to s5e13 “kenny dies”, because he would freak out about one of his friends dying, not because it’s exactly cartman. then goes butters who doesn’t really understand the concept of dying but is still pretty confused and scared. they’re very close so it would hurt butters. kenny doesn’t show any strong emotions, but that is because he’s used to death and anyway he’ll definitely meet cartman in hell.

what about kyle, though, i’m pretty sure that he won’t believe this news for a single second for, like, several days. he would convince everyone it’s “One of these stupid pranks, come on, dude, don’t tell me he managed to fool you”. and although most of the people didn’t believe cartman’s death the first second, kyle would be stubborn enough to deny reality for almost a week. he would look at cartman’s dead body and be like “Wow, that’s almost convincing, you really outdid yourself, Fatass. This fake corpse must’ve really cost you a fortune” and everyone else around him has no idea how to tell him it’s true.

he would stand at cartman’s funeral with the most bored and irritated face saying loudly: “Okay, Fatass, we get it, you tricked us all, bravo, now cut this shit off already, it’s not even funny anymore”, making liane cry even more desperately.

but then there went five days, then a week, and kyle finally started to realise the truth because cartman is too hyperactive to do this kind of prank for so long, he would definitely get bored and show up after, like, two days of disappearance.

and kyle really understood that while everyone else was mourning he was being a dick not even letting himself think for a single minute that this all might be real. like. he couldn’t even imagine a thought of the world without cartman, it just seemed so wrong so he really preferred acting like it’s all fake. and it made him feel so, so guilty. i’m pretty sure at that moment he almost forgot every horrible thing cartman had done to kyle, he just kept thinking about positive moments and he started missing cartman so badly. he wouldn’t admit it to anyone, even to himself, probably, but his life without cartman was somehow incomplete.

and then the rage came. we know how kyle tends to overreact and do something massive when he feels negative emotions, right? like, he tried to burn down the school because of the girls’ list, he freaking nuked canada after seeing cartman and heidi dating and being left behind, and i’m pretty sure there are plenty of examples.

so no matter how cartman died he would try to compensate it somehow. he didn’t know how to deal with this grief and shock so he tried to fight with the reason. did cartman die ‘cause of doctors incompetence? then kyle will sue the goddamn hospital cartman died at. car accident? he will organise a picket about drivers’ carelessness and send the person who hit cartman to jail. and so on, so on.

and everyone would be surprised and he would make excuses like “I’m not doing it because of Cartman, it’s just… it’s a big problem in our country, I want justice, that’s all”.

but he would blame himself. for his constant fights with cartman, for his disbelief the first days, for letting cartman die like this and not being around. and he started to think about their friendship when cartman was alive and–

kyle: It’s been two weeks, and I still can’t believe it, Stan. In my mind he’s still here and I expect to see him at the bus stop every morning. Is it normal?..

stan: I know how you feel. It’s hard for all of us, dude.

kyle: I mean, why did it take me so long to understand he wasn’t joking?

stan: Well, you guys were sort of archrivals, so I guess it’s not surprising...

kyle: Huh… we were, weren’t we?…

and it’s so heartbreaking.

[chirpsythismorning]

This is separate from people making Noah’s coming out all about byler, without ever separating Noah from Will, because yes that’s weird. But also entirely expected, like that’s as fandom behavior as it gets.

But for the sake of making a point here, what’s the main argument people use for why byler won’t happen?

It’s that the Duffers are just two straight old white dudes and the actors playing the characters are two straight white dudes. And because of that they’re probably all homophobic so it’ll never happen and if anything the opposite, most messed up ending, is more likely.

Heteronormativity and the assumptions that everyone is definitively straight, until they explicitly say otherwise, is something homophobes depend on.

Now all the people with ignorant arguments like that can do after this news, is bitch about how no one cares that he’s gay and it’s not even a big deal… a concept Noah literally references in his TikTok.

Even though I think straight ppl mean well when they say who cares, they’re ignoring the fact that straightness is the default expectation in our society. And this puts a lot a weight on queer people’s shoulders their entire lives, to essentially live a lie until they finally get the courage to come out.

Noah admitted that it took him 18 years to come out to his family and friends bc he was too scared to.

The reality is straight ppl mostly don’t want to talk/think about it and that’s why they get upset with too much discussion about the possibility in terms of byler and Stranger Things in general.

Unfortunately for all the practicing homophobes in the fandom, they’re going to get a big lesson on heteronormativity and the reality that literally anyone could be/not be gay.

Your best friend. Your brother. Your mom. Your gramma… You.

And that’s what scares ppl who’ve been internalizing homophobia their whole lives. They don’t want to talk/think about it for a reason. And it has nothing to do with actual other queer people just existing, it’s what they’re scared it could or could not mean for them. And they are making a vow to themselves to never find out.

And it’s because they know how gay people are treated and they don’t want to be the butt of jokes like that. They want to belong with people that are ‘normal’ or the default in society. And so hearing those same homophobes try to downplay and discredit Noah for coming out, it’s honestly just sad. The cycle of homophobia/internalized homophobia is so fucking depressing and it affects all of us.

Idec about specific ships at this point, it’s sad that a lot of men/boys in our society still see being gay as a negative thing, something they have to distance themselves from. And by being homophobic, they feel like they’re successful in achieving that distance.

And as much as homophobes piss me off every now and then online and in real life… I know why they’re doing it. Because they’ve been rewarded for it all their lives. They’ve been told doing the opposite made them different.

People forget (or are just unaware I guess) that Noah literally clapped back at byler fans on Twitter post-s2, saying, “why can’t boys just be friends anymore??”… yeah he literally made a textbook Reddit argument… though he has since deleted it…

And so I do hope that future generations of boys and girls are going to feel more comfortable accepting themselves, making it easier for us to be willing to look inward and not be scared and to eventually maybe get to a point where we don’t even have to come out as queer, we can just love who we love and it just is.

But that’s just not reality at this time.

And so yes I’m relieved that Noah himself was comfortable enough to share this with the world and didn’t spend anymore time hiding his sexuality, assuming he wanted to be out!

[ellaspore]

Seduction: a war between want and fear

I kept thinking again and again at how it felt like there was a complete switch in Vegas after he winds up harming himself, how at first glance it could feel like the scene before and after are in complete disconnect, how they could feel disjointed. And then also about how Vegas seems so surprised by Pete’s kiss, how it feels like he was not really expecting it. And all that made me look deeper and then it clicked.

Vegas talking about his life and the seduction scene are connected .They are connected on a deeper level because one is a consequence of the other. And not only those two scenes, but the hedgehog’s death too.

@lutawolf pointed out to me that it was during this first scene that Vegas fully realised that Pete had feelings for him because he looked at Pete and cried harder because he did not leave, even though he had the possibility and so for the first time there was someone who remained.

The next scene has Vegas being completely vulnerable with Pete, confessing his inner and deeper feeling, leaving him completely bared and vulnerable in Pete’s eyes.

What I found pretty telling is that the scene begins with Vegas saying “Why didn't you run away?” and then “Everything that I love left me.” and then “Leave me alone.”

Because again Vegas does really believe he is not worthy of love, that he will not be chosen for who he is, and what he feels for Pete makes him so very scared because love for him is not permanent, because everything he loves leaves him, just like the hedgehog did.

And so like @hael987 said so much better than me “Vegas’ belief is that his true self is unworthy, undesirable, and no one could ever choose him. But also subtly he’d started to hope. Pete's tenderness and staying has made him hope. He /hopes/ but he doesn’t actually /believe/, and so he’ll put an end to this ambiguity, this vulnerability, these scary new feelings Pete evokes, by going for Pete and creating a situation that he believes Pete will never respond to, that Pete will turn away from.”

The shift comes across to me as Vegas’ way of lashing out, because that is what he does when he feels threatened and unsure and he feels too much, like he does after they talk about their fathers or the blood type conversations . He will lash out at Pete and in this way he will prove to himself that all his darkest thoughts about himself are really true. That nobody could ever see all the darkest sides of him and love and accept him as a whole.

But as always with Vegas, everything he does and says has layers upon layers. Because what begins as his way of lashing out suddenly becomes something completely different. Because the need to be chosen is bigger than the fear, and there is yet another shift from lashing out to desperation. Because this reads to me as a struggle between what he wants and what he fears.

Because the way Vegas says “How do you like it?”, the way he keeps trembling for the whole scene after is so much more significant. Because he will put himself out there, all the while believing that even if Pete does have feelings for him, they will never have a positive outcome.

Because Pete has no reason to give in after all Vegas has done.

And so he will use this seduction as a weapon to finally reveal an answer, and he still fears it will be a rejection but at the same time he cannot help but hope it will be positive.

And in the end, he leaves the choice completely in Pete’s hand and he turns away because he still believes that after having shown his worst nobody will find him worthy of the trouble.

And he cannot bear to face what the outcome will be. And so when Pete does choose him first there is disbelief, and then rejoice and elation because finally, finally someone did choose him. Because

“momentary disbelief because he was wrong, surprise because he gets all he ever wanted, surprise because the hope was based in reality, it’s real and it’s his now.(@hael987 )”

“That surprise and smile said it all. Oh you do pick me , oh thank god, you pick me (@lutawolf )”

Because this is what he feared he would never get and all he ever wanted: to be chosen and to be loved as a whole, for the worst and the best that he is.

All of this post should be considered as a labour of love from three minds, I just put it together.

Dedicated to both @lutawolf and @hael987 because they mean the world to me.

[undiscovered-horizon]

[TW: mentions/descriptions of scars, self-harm]

Imagine showing Matt your scars.

Very self-indulgent. Scars mean you survived and you shouldn't be ashamed of them - for something tried to kill you but you persisted.

[Content under the cut due to the sensitive nature of themes included]

The night was hot - as they usually are in July. You weren't sure if the warm, stuffy air kept you awake or maybe the rumbling of the small fan standing in the corner of the bedroom. Not knowing what to do about your insomnia, you just absentmindedly dragged your fingernails across Matt's chest, right next to your head and counted cars that drove past the window.

14,

15,

16 and a motorbike,

17,

"You're not sleeping?" Matt groaned. You had a leg draped across his pelvis, one of his hands rested lazily above your knee and the other circled your waist. Although he shifted beneath you, his palms haven't moved.

"I tried and, honestly, it's so last season."

Matt chuckled at your answer. Being funny at 3am had to be as much of an achievement as laughing at that hour. It was quite odd that it was you who couldn't sleep. Most of the time Matt was the one who stayed up until early morning hours, either keeping Hell's Kitchen in check or simply thinking, dwelling. You were in New York's safest place and even that wasn't enough to get your brain to drift away, to let itself be pulled from reality by gentle waves of fantasy and exhaustion.

"You're gonna wish you were old-fashioned in the morning." His voice was quiet against your hair while he spoke before softly kissing your head. Matt's arm tightened around your waist, bringing you even closer to him. He had this peculiar habit of falling asleep after you. It wasn't even that he wanted to be like that: he simply remained restless until you were sleeping. Matt thought about that quite often and while he never came to a reasonable conclusion, he had a few theories all of which boiled down to the very same thought - he felt a responsibility, maybe a desire, to be the saviour of the day and so this self-appointed duty ended only when you fell asleep.

Smiling to yourself, you closed your eyes in an attempt to sleep, again. His regular, deep breaths kept you drowsily content, peacefully treading the line between realms of reality and dream. It was this perfectly comfortable state of hesitation where your mind slipped between consciousness and unconsciousness, leaving you only to wonder which sounds and thoughts were real and coherent.

"You have a scar here?" he asked in a hushed tone. There was a hint of fascination in his voice as it usually is with lovers discovering pieces of each other. His fascination, however, was quickly gone as his pleasantly rough hand moved along your skin, feeling more bumps: too regular and frequent to be a complete accident. Matt's brows furrowed and your heart sank, only then, among your sleepy haze, realizing what was happening.

Feeling panic and shame taint your blood, you awkwardly tried to move away from his grasp but Matt wasn't going to let you - his arms held you tighter. Your attempt to clumsily, powerlessly wriggle out of his hold was a vain effort. It was too late: he already sensed that something was deeply wrong and Matt was one of those people who stop digging only when they find a body.

"Hey, talk to me," he pleaded quietly, fearfully as if anxious that wrong words would forever scare you away. It pained him: the possibility that you hurt yourself and he never noticed. Not only was he blind but a complete fool. "If you don't want to, it's alright, just say so."

"I..." you whispered hesitantly. Your voice was shaky. "I don't know what to say." That was the truth: what does one say in a situation like this? Do you play it off? Or tell your life's story? Is there no comfortable half-measure where you don't have to reopen old wounds and bleed on people who never held a blade to your throat? An elegant answer that won't summon the burning rawness of the memories?

"Alright," he answered while gently stroking your hair. He had no clue how to act either. Although he had nothing to do with whatever wraith once gnawed at your heart and mind, he felt as if he had failed at something. Matt couldn't help but recall all the days when you seemed a little less happy, when some gloomy clouds he couldn't name hang above your head. Was there something he could have done? Words he could have said to ease your aching heart? "We don't have to talk about it."

Cars continued to indifferently pass the apartment building. Single, dismembered yells echoed through the neighbourhood every now and then. Maybe it was for the better that this side of the world was asleep at this hour: there was only one person willing to hear the pain and strength you carried within your tired heart. Perhaps that person was the only person you wanted to tell about those snakes biting at your heels.

"I don't do it anymore," you whispered after a moment of silence. Sounds of nightlife nearly drowned out your quiet voice and, just for a moment, Matt questioned whether you really said that or simply his woe-stricken imagination whispered this promise to tame his frenzied heart. You knew that he was worried to the point of being physically sick, although he was far from coercing the truth from you. There was little obligation in your decision to tell him about it. It was a curious thing to be in love - to want the other person to know every mole and freckle on your skin, every nightmare and empty thought passing your headspace. "The urge is there but I can deal with it," you reassured him. It was the truth, no matter how dishonest it might have sounded, although not all of it: you simply did not have the heart to tell Matt that this urge never quite goes away; the bite marks of this snake never leave one's skin.

"You don't have to do it alone, love," he whispered against your face. "I want to be there for you." Matt pressed his lips against your forehead in a tender, uncharacteristically long, kiss.

There was desperation in his voice as if he begged you to let him help carry this burden. And what a freeing thought that was - to trust someone with the heaviness of your heart. Matt was asking for you to let him hold your vulnerability in his rough, bloodied hands that had denied mercy so many times. But, maybe, only hands like those were scarred, ruthless, enough to understand the weight of the gift they are trusted with. Cleaner, holier, fingers might be too brash to fully comprehend their own strength and viciousness. It was a privilege of all things and creatures murderous to truly take in the sacredness of life, just like only a thief knows the true value of diamonds.

The two of you simply lay there in silence. His rough hands caressed your skin in a comforting albeit absentminded manner. The strength of his hold remained, rendering you unable to move away and, perhaps, you were completely content with that. You could only wonder about it because Matt wasn't willing to ever admit it but he recognized that wraith of self-destruction you had battled with. To some degree, it was the reason why he hurt so much upon that night's discovery: he understood and it was absolutely gut-wrenching to know that someone he loved so dearly wasn't a stranger to this inhumane urge. You, quite simply, didn't deserve it. Maybe that's what humanity has always meant - to see your own face in another's pain and loneliness; to call someone's heartache by your own name.

And every chance he had, as if trying to make up for the times you had needed it the most, he held you a little tighter. A little longer.

[honeyjars-sims]

1.1 Every Single Night's a Fight

Previous | Beginning of story | Beginning of chapter | Next

Monster image by kjpargeter on Freepik

Transcript below:

[In a dream sequence, child Johnny is shown in his childhood bedroom along with Bonnie]

Bonnie: Alright Johnny, it's time for bed. Let me tuck you in. Johnny: But Mom, I'm scared.

Bonnie: What are you scared of, baby? Johnny: There's a monster under my bed.

Bonnie: Monsters aren't real! You're imagination is just getting away with you. Johnny: But I saw it with my own two eyes!

Bonnie: No, you didn't! You're just causing trouble again. Here, look.

[Bonnie gestures to under the bed. There is a monster crawling out.] Bonnie: See, there's nothing there. Now quit whining and go to bed already. Monster: [laughs] No one will ever believe you!

[Adult Johnny wakes up]

Johnny: [mumbling] Not his again...

[Johnny is shown in his therapist Khadija's office]

Khadija: So your new medication isn't helping with your sleep issues then.

Johnny: Nope. And it's always the same dream. But my mom being there is pretty new. Everytime I have the dream, she gets meaner.

Khadija: Well, I'm not normally one to believe in dream interpretation, but I'm noticing some parallels here. What do you think?

Johnny: I mean, it's pretty much on the nose. I guess the monster is supposed to be Jimmy or something. And Mom not believing me when I tell her I'm in danger is basically how it went down in real life.

Khadija: It seems like your anxiety manifests in your dreams a lot. How are you feeling about your Mom reaching out to you more lately?

Johnny: Not great. I guess I understand her wanting to make amends or whatever but it's not like she can change the past. The reality is she was too strung out to notice her husband was beating me. Or she knew but didn't care.

Khadija: What I'm hearing is that neither of those possibilities are easily forgivable to you.

Johnny: Yeah, basically. Saying "I'm sorry" over and over doesn't really mean that much to me. But I think it will be good to get out of Evergreen Harbor and focus on college.

Khadija: I think so, too.

You know, I'm glad that you're starting to open up to me a little more. I know it was a long journey for you to get to that place with your child psychologist.

Johnny: Yeah, I basically sat in silence during every session for a whole year.

Khadija: I'm glad you found your voice.

[will80sbyers]

thinking about the monologue... like obviously Mike is lying in a way, because he doesn't love her in a romantic way and when she asked him to say that it was in a romantic way... but imo he is not consciously lying... he is saying all of that because he thinks all of that... but it's not romantic love, it's platonic love!

He just doesn't get that yet, exactly... because he's like... 14? and feelings are confusing for him (and a lot of other people too irl lmao)

I highly doubt that the Duffers would make Mike consciously lie in a BIG way to El because not many people would forgive him for lying that much to a character that was presented as the main character of the show for years and is so deeply loved by the GA... and also that would create a very ugly moment in the relationship between El and Mike... idk I think they need the story to be satisfying for everybody, not only for us... and the GA already hates Mike kinda...

I think that would feel like a betrayal for a lot of people if Mike consciously lied to her like that and wasn't even shown to feel guilt on screen clearly for that after?

I think it's improbable that they would write it like that... it's possible obviously, but I think it's improbable...

I personally think it's much more probable that they just will show how Mike was confused but meant what he said, even if it wasn't in a romantic way exactly... or it will be a bit like the Jo and Laurie situation in Little women where Laurie is convinced that he loves Jo and all... but it's not the right love that he later feels for Amy and he says that the love that he feels for Amy "is different" because in reality what Laurie felt for Jo was not real romantic love, it was a mix of platonic fondness and idealization of Jo... and Jo didn't love him either even when she talks about how she's thinking about it because she wants to be loved and her mother tells her that's not the same as loving... and it's like El, she wants to be loved but what El really wanted from the start was familial love and she is going to get it in the end, she has already found her family...

Also the monologue can be read platonically and it does make perfect sense even more than romantically imo because: he is terrified of losing her, he did love her since he saw her because he felt the need to take care of her and even if he was clearly not "in love" with her since the start, he cared for her... taking care of her and being introduced to the world of the upside down and of superpowers... and being able to save his best friend DID change his life and he could feel like his life really started when he met her because of that...from that day he was special too by association with her basically and that's all that Mike wishes to be!!!

Also he does believe in her, he thinks she's strong and can do anything, and she's a superhero, he doesn't think she's a monster and was not avoiding saying the I love you because he was scared of her but because he was scared of losing her one day, saying the ily means getting closer in some ways and that means that if she leaves him it will definitely hurt more in his mind...

plus all the things he COULDN'T SAY (because being queer is not normal in the 80s and Will was right behind him lol...) like that he was not sure before hearing Will's speech in the van or that he thought he had feelings for Will (we’re friends...we’re friends) and was feeling confused about that too and was feeling weird (this past year has been weird) all the past months because of how much he missed Will (I feel like I lost you ) etc etc

like to me that is a linear way to continue the storyline and makes all the little pieces of the puzzle fit