#but rather than be abused for being vulnerable im being gentle and kind to myself??? idek man its weird.

[dhampir-dyke]

[dinoburger]

hi i relate to ur posts for a number of reasons. i have keratosis pillaris and i have been picking at it for years to the point my upper arms are a shade darker than the rest of my body. its a habit im not confident about it but its sometging i deal with. i used to struggle really badly with dr/dp now that im not as stressed anymore its not as bad but i still got dissociation as part of my bipolar and if i see smth that can trigger dr/dp it will. im arab iraqi specifically my country is still in ruins from the invasion my relatives were killed by saddam and ive experienced islamophobia all my life. it hurts me to see my people getting killed and dehumanised and honestly i cant even be surprised caus thats how i felt people would treat me all my life the only time i saw arabs in british media was in headlines talking about honour killings and terrorist attacks and domestic abuse cases.

anyways. all of this is to say. your compassion doesnt depend on your suffering. compassion is a seperate utility from suffering, it stems from being a good person, not empathy. people who lack empathy and emotions know this, that they can do good and care for other people even when it doesnt affect them. getting medicated wont take away your compassion. youre still going to care about people other than yourself. in fact it wont even take away your capacity to feel emotions. before i was medicated i hadnt felt anything in months, and now i feel more than before. you shouldnt be hurt or suffering to show how much you care. pain is not a solid foundation for caring about others. please allow your motivation to be your compassion, the desire to do good, and improve the lives of others, not your self flaggelation. nobody benefits from your hurt, they benefit from your actions. if you believe that there should be no suffering in the world and that everyone should be happy then you must accept that includes you too. (i admit it is refreshing to see someone who cares this much, but i wanted to express these thoughts as someone who relates to a number of the things you talk about)

this is very considerate, I appreciate your vulnerability with how close to home this is... I think more what I mean to say is that it's frustrating not to have a choice and be compelled to reshape myself and my emotional response under threat of being belittled and shamed by the people I rely on rather than because I made an informed decision to

but you're absolutely right, it's not fair to conflate suffering and compassion, in fact I'd say pain is one of those things that makes it very hard to focus on anything but one's self... I guess it's more that I struggle not to feel taken aback by how apathetic some of the people in my life are about it.

I hope there's some kind of justice for you and your people in this lifetime, and I'll try to be more gentle if I can - it's definitely something I could work on... thank you for being so understanding

[allsadnshit]

it's truly difficult to remember you owe yourself love and understanding when you are going through lots of big and painful things in life! i used to think "as long as i am the only one getting hurt then it's fine" cause i considered myself nothing and everyone else something. i have gone really back and forth with my perspective and coping skills of big break ups, friends or romantic, and i feel like i am just not learning the middle ground between "wow if this person and i are breaking up then they must be so toxic and abusive so who cares fuck them anyways" and "i am not allowed to be angry i need to be peaceful and kind i should try harder to see their perspective or else i am deserving of these bad things" which are two perspectives that have done nothing for my healing or process.

i think maybe the biggest thing im learning about myself is that communication can't be replaced by anything else. you need to hear it straight from people just as much as they need to understand you too! there's definitely a limit on how helpful communication is without the necessary other things like action and reflection etc but i used to think "this isn't even worth saying or hearing" whenever i was faced with something hard and that's just not true.

i had a therapy session recently where i tried to play off an interaction with an old boss as "id rather just not talk with him than say what he did bothered me" and my therapist immediately called me out on the avoidance and lack of follow through on my own boundaries and feelings. i wasn't getting off easy by not being willing to have conflict or confrontation, i was actually forcing myself to swallow my own hurt and pain and in many ways betrayed myself by not speaking up. she had me write an apology letter to myself and i cried without a few sentences.

I am working to change these things. I used to think feeling hurt and admitting that meant you were weaker and lost. I just had a really hard conversation with one of my oldest friends and it ended with us breaking up! i didn't see it coming, and didn't think it was even on the table and it unfolded in front of me almost instantly when i decided to speak up on something that bothered me and it turned out he already felt deeply resentful towards me and called a lot of my behavior into question that i didn't know he had thought poorly of me about for years and years! it's going to be a long road of lots of mixed emotions now. i feel shameful and scared i have lost so many of my old friends in the last two years which have been the biggest growth and happiest i've ever been and it's so confusing to go through even though i am constantly reassured that's part of the ride!

i used to tell myself if everyone had something bad to say about you, then it must be true and you must be bad and deserve it.... and i think that was just an easy way out for me to feel guilt and sorry for myself cause that's easier than fighting it's easier than the work it would take to stand up for myself and believe my own experiences and emotions. i thought i was so mature and gentle for saying "you're right i guess i am just a bad person" and never once was that the solution.

i am going to take my time absorbing this experience! i am going to be confused, angry, sad, and probably a decent bit of mourning too! i will no longer deny myself that process and pretend i am better off without the people i loved! i will not pretend to wish them well and hold no bad feelings. it's time to do the hard thing and be mad be sad and be in this difficult process!

thanks for reading, i really love this blog. I feel it's so important to share be seen and understood by other people but i am also so hesitant to admit what i am scared of because i don't want to make myself vulnerable to being hurt even more but it's also a pathway to healing and letting go and that's worth the risks