#but rn im starting with some weed and band of brothers

[cameoutstruggling93]

OFFICIALLY ON VACATIOOOOOOOOON!!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

[natalieisabellee]

8:10pm for nosy ahh people

also im a lil garden gummied rn.

I think the reason why I feel trapped in my head is because I allow it to go on. I of course know that it isn’t always my fault and that I need to allow myself to feel whatever I’m feeling. But even then sometimes, I don’t allow myself to feel those feelings?? So complicated. But I allow it to go on. I’ve grown far away from telling my brain otherwise because I have grown so comfortable with “being okay with change” but then never wanting it to happen. I think it is because my childhood was depressing but I managed to stay happy. My adolescence, I sook validation from men and everyone around me but swore otherwise. In high school, I was open to knowing how I was a worse person and acknowledged my growth that was needed and I grew. I was involved. I was in JROTC, marching band. I didn’t have the time to think about all of the empty space because betwixt all of that I still cared what everyone thought. Then I found people who showed me that I was who I was and that was chill. They lifted me up until they couldn’t recognize me due to their change. I wasn’t changing, I wasn’t moving fast enough and I wasn’t a part of their life solely anymore. I caved and I cared and I begged for forgiveness because it’s what I’ve always done and I did it over and over, for them. I think I fought so hard because through it all, even though I cared what they all thought, I knew they were all just people. We all have different lives and you never know what they hell is going on is someone’s world. While mine could be raining in sadness, someone else’s could be burning in rage. But then ultimately I realized that every day you fight for something and when it comes to your peace, your mentally, your health and your morals of who you wanna be as an existing person in this world; you have to choose yourself. You have to. And that’s doing what you wanna do, being with whoever you wanna be with, filling your life with so much contentness that you could one day (?) hopefully want for nothing because you know that you are a lucky human being with compassion and drive and perseverance. I started my new life when I came four hours from home to meet my best friends who I hope I have for the rest of my life. Since day one I’ve relearned so much about the possibility of good people. People who are understanding and real and also have so much shit going on that they realize that sometimes life. is. just. hard. Everyday they continue to teach me how to be a good person, they show me how to go for my dreams, they believe in themselves and they believe in me. But amongst all of the beauty and ecstasy of contentness, I’m stuck. I’m stuck not wanting any of it to change because that would mean that life is real. (Covid also really threw me off, not gonna lie. That’s when I started smoking weed. I vaped nicotine for a year because “everyone else was doing it” and I worked in fast food and it was so easy to get. I learned that my brother had been smoking weed in high school as well and I became a little less apprehensive about trying it because I trust my brother. I loved it immediately and the moment I turned eighteen, I got myself a thc cartridge to vape, all of the time. Came the summer after the weirdest senior year of high school and I managed to get a bowl and some flower. I started doing it all the time. I became more relaxed and anxious about everything and felt a shift in who I was as a person. I genuinely began to like myself more and more. I was open to the idea of starting over…but you read about that already.) Another realization is in my midst though and that’s that I have been letting this go on when I am the one in control. 

k thanks, byeee :)))

[eatyourfruitkids]

and i thought, oh shit, what about my hot female body?

my female ego was toxic. it wasn’t her fault, she thought her presence in my brain was necessary. my family never quit gave off the vibes that the one daughter, the one sister, was ever allowed to deviate from such a norm. though i love and loved him dearly, my twin brother’s role in my view of gender was one of contrast. from the youngest age, as in, when we were born, connor got the blue teddy bear, s***** got the pink one. later, when our mom dressed us, connor wore the hats and s***** wore the bows. connor got the bionacles for christmas, s***** got the zuzu pets. that was just the way it worked. i was a girl and he was a boy, after all.

it’s not like i ever really minded. i’ve always loved animals, hoarding their stuffed counterparts felt natural. my brother and i would play together, littlest petshop pets living in lego spaceships. our genders were defined, but we never let that separate us. i never let that grave burden, being a girl, bar me from playing with power rangers, even if i was immediately cast as the pink one.

in middleschool, something changed. i became hyperaware of my gender, though i never once questioned it. while i had always been a girl by default, now i was beginning to feel the social anxieties of a young, adolescent Girl. i stuggled greatly for an identity, finding one for a short while in anime fandoms and watching gaming letsplays (i never played; girls were bad at video games, as according to my three brothers. i just had shitty hand eye coordination, fuck me) and later in an obsession with emo bands and new cartoon network cartoons and being pansexual or a lesbian. my fashion sense was terrible until i saw cute girls on instagram wearing “aesthetic-y” clothes in seventh grade and decided to emulate them. this was just one of many instances of me confusing my attraction towards females as desire to be like them.

with today’s insight, i can say with confidence that i would far rather put my head in a nice pair of tiddies than own that nice pair of tiddies.

i came to realize that my female ego was a problem close to the time where i realized that smoking weed was the best shit ever. here, i’ll take a break to rip bong and reminisce on this night, the night of the smoke off. im kinda high rn lol but its okay i turned adult recently lol. anyways *bong rip*

ok anyways sry

i didnt realize being a girl was a problem for me when i first started smoking weed. in hindsight, i now know that smoking everyday longterm while mistakenly identifying as female highlighted some less-than-savory areas of my psyche. 

my dysphoria makes me think that people are simping for me, sometimes when they’re not. although i am a sad, emo, five-foot-seven twitter meme cat boy of a trans “man,” i’m a cute nerdy stoner girl with winged eyeliner n a sexy female body, relatable-if-severe social anxiety and a porn addiction i’m, unfortuately, not always too shy to talk about.

long story short, something i now know to be dysphoria pushed me to start Smoking Weed With The Boys frequently, and something called dysphoria-plus-my-female-ego created this weird, unhealthy narrative that my friends only all liked me bc i was Hot Sessy Girl and they were only friends with me to hold out past my sweet, sunshiney (beta?) bf. this narrative fucked with me (probably because it wasnt true and created by the same part of my anxious brain that would repress my fucking transness, also because i love and care for my bf and felt terrible “letting this continue”) and yet, i continued hanging out with The Boys (besides when sometimes id flake on everyone for periods of time bc i felt Too Bad for bf lol) not even for attention-- although sometimes id get it, word-- even if it was magnified through the lens of my dysphoria, but because i had this deep urge to fit in with them. 

besides having a legit problem with the way i use weed and being high literally all the time, i wasn’t a huge “stoner” by my town’s standards. 

so, without getting into the elaborate details of my life and my twin’s cool fucking weed basement and my real life picture of marilyn monroe’s tiddies, The Boys had a smoke of at my house. i realized i wasn’t that much of a stoner when i got too high (something that deadass never fucking happens) and violently shook for like thirty minutes until my friends sent me upstairs for ice, i put on a hoodie, looked in the mirror and realized id prefer life as a boy.

it could’ve been because my toxic, ill-built stoner female woker-than-u ego had finally been popped, kinda like a bubble, or it could be because i was wearing a crop top and had gone silent because i was fixated on how i wished boys wore crop tops, and the hoodie had alliviated that. 

now i only think one friend simps for me, but hes such a nice dude that i could never say anything, fuck. hes such a homie tho if i were ever single id take his v card as a favor lmao

i figured out what i wanted to be called that night, 

stu. idk if its short for stuart, which is gross but fuck it, or if i want to be a stew/art or what the fuck but. stu.

a few friends and no family know. i chopped my hair off and a binder is on route. im lifting weights w one of the boys.

happy adulthood to me