#but seriously why is boy jerry so fucking scary

[dontmixpaintinyourcoffee]

Hatchetfield introduced entities so beyond comprehension that we can only understand them enough to fear. Endless beings of alien form and cruel intention, that incite world wars with glee and torment select people with a sick favoritism. The world is a game of little consequence, treated with sadistic humor. Entities both ageless and foul so far beyond the human mind that the mere presence of them twists and corrupts the very core of your being.

And you know who the most terrifying characters to me are?

A dude in a full denim suit and some jackass who calls himself Boy Jerry. Incredible

(and also a bird that smokes weed)

[joethetoonfanandoutcast]

Why I can never watch Sing 2 again

It's not only because of a pairing, but also because llumination does poorly to make it not look like an imitation of other things we've seen before that has little charm or effect:

Before we're introduced to Crystal, Suki's thought of as an individual but after that no one acknowledges her, not even Jimmy (he says Jerry's name but not hers), the gorilla thugs (they could have beaten her up as well since she worked for the bad guy but just ignore her like everyone else) and none of the Moon gang acknowledge her (they don't say "thanks for saving Buster's life"). She's basically been given the whole "secretaries are props, not people" treatment even though she kickstarted the sequel's plot and proved to show potential. She could have just not followed them at the end.

After witnessing the kind of boss Suki has to work for, I can't say that I side with Buster and the gang's views on her in the beginning when they never change their mind about her afterwards. It feels like they're getting butthurt over one person's statement, and that person does not have the best boss. I need something canon to prove otherwise or I'll never be convinced. I need something that doesn't imply "Thanks for helping, now get the hell out of here, you stupid judgy bitch!"

Jerry's just a cheap generic knock-off of every Disney villain's sidekick ever that is so annoying he makes Smee look like a rocket scientist.

Meena is still a shy worry-wart and her crush on a nice guy subplot is generic as crud, and not to mention, Alfonso is just a gender-bent clone of her and a way of shoehorning in Illumination's golden boy Pharrell.

Klaus is just a discount neighsayer with little to no charm.

Darius: not even remotely charming.

What could have made the thugs a bit more likable is subverting the scary thugs trope for one scene with them having idle chit chat like normal people.

Jimmy Crystal: another angry dictator with an attractive woman he doesn't deserve and who doesn't tickle my funny bone.

Clay Calloway: Illumination's Doc Hudson.

Nooshy is just a lynx Esmeralda who's overconfident enough to sass the a-hole monkey teacher, and the whole fandom has to be all under the impression that she's "there I taught you to dance and am an appropriate companion because I'm funny and young now let's get each other laid", and I do not remotely ship them.

Porsha: every furry may be easily appealed by her being a wolf, her being Halsey, her being into vintage (which I'm also into), and her brash loudness and poor acting, but I'm not

The 'being yourself and achieving your dream goals' message is hammered in along with the implied symbolism that ugly is good (most of Moon's crew are cartoonish and funny-looking) and good-looking (that would be Jimmy Crystal, Suki Lane, Porsha, Linda Le Bon, and the gazelle receptionist) is bad. Seriously, why can't we just live in a world where both funny-looking and not-funny-looking are valued equally, like we have a model human married to a fucking cartoon rabbit?

Suki at first to show potential as a brilliant subversion of 'all critics are bad' or 'businesswomen aren't likable' or 'salukis are worthless' is going straight into the trash bin due to Meledandri's statement: Illumination CEO Chris Meledandri stated, "It will involve characters from the original cast, but it will take us into a new world. It means she's getting axed in favor of Mike, Eddie and the new characters instead of squeezing her in somehow. They literally could have given her a short explaining that she'll never have anything to do with them again, acknowledging the furries who like her and her design.

I cannot watch this when they don't even try to mask that it's an uncharming imitation of the Muppets (2011) and Dreamgirls that doesn't break enough rules.

[seawolvesanddragons]

Anne With An E Season 3 Episode 9

SPOILERS

ONE EPISODE LEFT CAN YOU BELIEVE!!! 

Guys what do we even normally do when we don’t have new AWAE episodes. 

-Ka’Kwet’s opening scene was so cold and scary and heartbreaking. She’s been so brave for so long, and now she that she’s finally reached home she is finally letting all her other emotions out. The girl has been through hell, and the actress did amazing

-Anne! In a blouse! And a skirt! 

-Anne stumbling around still trying to process her feelings and Marilla IMMEDIATLY saying “Go to him, don’t make the same mistakes I did,” YES I’ve been waiting for them to touch on these parallels for SO LONG 

-Marilla 100 percent ships them. She’s been waiting for this, just look at that smile.  

-Matthew is a literal angel. “I’m in love with Gilbert Blythe!” “Oh...ok!” 

-I’m pretty sure I read Anne meeting Hazel in the exact same way in a fanfic and gotta say it is pretty spot on perfect for both characters. But also the whole time I was mumbling “no don’t just talk to Hazel, go to Bash, find Bash, he’ll understand the signifigance” 

-NO ANNE DON’T LEAVE A NOTE THAT NEVER WORKS 

-But that PS slays me. 

-I knew from the moment she put that note down it was going to get ruined and not make it to Gilbert 

- I was so confused at first as to why Gilbert was at Diana’s house. I was like “Is he there to ask Diana about Anne?”

-THE FLASHBACK WITH THE DANCING 

-Gilbert Blythe you really going to have a flashback like that and STILL talk about proposing to Winnifred? Boi. You had us fooled for two seasons thinking you were smart, but you’re just extra stupid. 

-Diana, love, darling, ditch the rules and run after Anne anyway. You’ve already done so much rebelling this season, add one more. 

-That scene where they dragged Ka’Kwet away was so awful, and for a moment after the gunshot...

-I really wish I have more about Ka’Kwet’s storyline in this review because this was the MAIN storyline of this episode, and Ka’kwet and her parents went through so much, the actors did amazing, and it was heartbreaking, seeing them torn apart, seeing her parents pushed off the land and unable to rescue their daughter. But honestly, I have no words beyond what I’ve just said - heartbreaking, and so scarily true - and typing it over and over seems to cheapen the effect somehow. 

-I am here for Ms Stacy and Bash friendship only thank you very much 

-Wait...this whole time Gilbert has just been hanging out helping at the school? ANNE COULD HAVE GONE THERE TO TALK TO HIM JESUS 

-Oh look, more signs from the universe 

-For a moment I actually thought MOODY was going to talk some sense into Gilbert. That is how low and desperate this show has brought me, I seriously thought Moody was about to be the sensible one. 

-I was right about the note btw 

-That scene between Ka’Kwet’s parents and Marilla and Matthew..this episode had a lot of focus on mothers (Marilla, Hazel, Ka’kwet’s, and even Diana’s mother a little, even Mary and Ms Stacy) but what really brought it home was that touching scene between Marilla and Ka’Kwet’s mother, and how Marilla didn’t need language to understand - because she’s a mother 

-Also did anyone else notice how Anne and Marilla were basically wearing the same outfit? Because I did and my heart 

-Matthew continues to be the goddamn best 

-Lmao Gilbert just...walked away from the rebuilding efforts? Somehow stumbled upon the girl’s old clubhouse? Found a shell? Boy what are you even doing, just go home so Hazel can tell you that Anne stopped by you fool 

-Minnie May’s revenge on Diana’s this episode was so accurate of small children. How old is Minnie May even? I feel like she’s hardly aged. 

-Diana’s “I know, right” to Marilla was so goddamn relatable 

-I fucking love Anne’s loyalty to her friends. She and Ka’kwet met..twice? Maybe three times? No more than four or five and she just without question was willing to go to all lengths to help her. 

-”Kill the Indian to Save the Child” brought me straight back to my middle school textbook and the nausea that accompanied it. 

-The nun and those men are all disgusting, and seeing Ka’Kwet so close yet so far from her family was awful. I really don’t know how they are going to handle this in the next episode; as satisfying as it would be to see them rescue all the kids, to see the newspapers create an outrage, the fact remains that these schools did happen, were approved of, and didn’t just go away. 

-Gilbert Blythe check your goddamn shoe 

-Hazel and Bash’s argument/predicament is so frustrating and the thing is both of them are a little bit right in different ways, but are so against listening and letting go of their beliefs to make it past this point. Hazel refuses to see how she hurt Bash growing up, and how things are different here. Bash refuses to see how Hazel felt stuck in the choices she made to protect Bash. But Bash learning about his father...it’s almost a footnote in everything that happened this episode, but it meant so much to him and his storyline. 

-Gilbert Blythe now has a shell, a pen, an unread and lost note, probably Matthew’s cufflinks, and no fucking clue what he is doing. 

-Get yourself a friend like Diana “proposing to another girl with his mother’s ring how dare he” She’s so insulted on Anne’s behalf 

-”I’m going to ask” YES GIRL THAT RIGHT THERE IS CALLED EMOTIONAL GROWTH I’M SO PROUD OF YOU 

-she would stop and pick flowers for Hazel this lil angel 

-That ending....look, call me a clown but..I don’t think he’s there to propose. I’m not even sure he’s at Winnifred’s house, they didn’t show the two of them in the same scene. I think it’s a misdirection. 

-And, as always, where the fuck is Cole. And Jerry for that matter. And did Aunt Jo leave already? She was there for like 2 days, in season one she was visiting for a few weeks. 

-So...one episode left, and we have: queen’s results, Ka’kwet, Gilbert’s “dramatic horse riding scene”, whatever scene has Anne in an nightgown and Gilbert at her house (IF that’s them in the same scene, it could be two different scenes that we’ve already seen this season), Bash and Hazel reconciling, Diana not going to Paris (?), Ms Stacy (?) and of course Anne and Gilbert. Also, can Gilbert please recover his father’s things? Poor boy. Like, Damn, how long is this episode going to be? Doesn’t matter, I’m watching it even if its 13 hours. 

-was this the first episode without Rachel Lynde? 

[unsettlingstories]

Updated index of all stories. May 16, 2018.

Transfigurations: A small, self-published collection of my favorite short stories from 2015. Individual Stories

3 Signs You May Be An Introvert and How to Cope: Some great tips! 30 years ago today, my neighbor’s son disappeared: They miss him. A Case of Hives: My son isn’t feeling too well… A Cure for Writer’s Block: How to find inspiration when it’s just not there. A Curious Dog: My dog won’t stop pawing at a wall in the basement. A Gifted Chef: My friend was one of the greats. I miss him. A Life Worth Living: Big changes lead to bigger results. A Most Welcome Visitor: He’d come to me in the middle of the night. A Pathetic Wretch: His neighbor just won’t stop crying. An Artist’s Canvas: The beauty of symmetry. A Questionable Glory Hole: A young man’s first sexual experience. A Warning To Women With IUDs: Be careful whatcha put up ya. Adrenochrome: The horrible, impossible truth. All Horror Stories About Dolls Are Fake: My daughter was bullied mercilessly. Allison’s Loss: My daughter is devastated by the death of her friend. Alternative Medicine: A wife treats her husband with an old remedy. All Thumbs: My embarrassing habit. A Message in a Bottle: I’m suddenly filled with dread. A Very Bad Place to Hide: Maybe even the worst. Amy’s Wish: Blow away the eyelash and make a wish! An Unlucky Samaritan: Think twice before stopping to help. Are My Twins Spending Too Much Time Together?: For woke mommies only. Assisted Suicide: He begged me to help him die. Attempts to Repair the Irreparable: How do you move on? Bad Sex: Has this ever happened to you and your partner? Bags: A hunting trip goes very, very wrong. Beach Bodies: What’s that out in the water? A whale? Ben’s Fear: He just hated seaweed. Bitcoin Mining and the Death of the Universe: I think I fucked something up. Bits and Pieces: Chunks and portions. Bitumen: A man who loves dinosaurs. Black Balloons: My little daughter saw shapes in the sky. Bluebirds: Possibly the most reprehensible thing I’ve ever written. Bluefin: Use caution when poaching an endangered species. Body Cast: The worst thing that can happen when you’re immobilized. Body Hair Removal: I learned a valuable lesson. Bridgeport Power Plant: There’s something living there. Bubbles: Strange happenings in an emergency room. Butt Stuff: The activity - not the other thing. Caroline’s New Teeth: The Tooth Fairy’s best customer. Caviar: Only the best for discerning palates. Centipedes: There’s some big ones out there, you know. Charles Robert Olevsky: Ever Google yourself? Chopped!: An unaired episode of the Food Network show. Christmas Morning With Danny and His New Puppy: Danny gets a puppy. Comfort Food: Anything to help fill that void. Coping Mechanisms: Life after losing a husband and a daughter. Cracks in the Foundation: A relationship on the edge. Dawn: I hurt my sister so badly. I’ll never forgive myself. Daycare Massacre: A terrible incident before a hurricane. Death Looking into the Window of One Dying: His final days. Dede Elgy: This monster story will make you feel dirty. Very dirty. Deniehyfield, Australia is Being Dismantled: My town is disappearing. Dermatographia: Words on my skin. Devil’s Hole: The geological anomaly, not the…you know. Dial Tone: What’s going on with my phone? Diary of a Woman in New Hampshire: Found a diary. Wtf. Dilation and Evacuation: A friend in need is a friend indeed. Division: Nothing is right. Double Dare: The long-lost episode never seen in the US. Dumbwaiter: A family learns something about their house. Elective Surgery: I just want him to be happy. Elf on the Shelf: He’s watching. Endless Chirping: Ever get a cricket in your room? Escaphism: The journey of one man, his love, and The Verdant World. Ethan’s Halloween Mask: Not all friendships are positive. ExpressionCaptioner.com: This website is seriously weird. Fallenfield Mountain: A geological survey gone wrong. Very wrong. Family Tree: A unique family tradition is revealed. Farm to Table: Fucking hipsters. Fertility Treatments: Some people are desperate to have a baby. Fireflies: You would not believe your eyes. For Lena and Clair: Trapped after an earthquake. Found the Bees: Well, that solves that mystery. Gratification Through Annihilation: Suffer the little children. Great Potential: A lady who loves children. He Went Ahead: My friends and I were into urban exploration. Heather’s Phases: My wife always had body-image issues. House Sounds: What do we keep hearing? I Dream of Names and Cancer: My eternal nightmare. I Pressed My Hands Against My Eyes: And only then could I truly see. I Shouldn’t Have Broken Into My Neighbor’s Garage: I’ll never unsee it. If Anyone Asks: An old farmer notices something about his scarecrow. I’ll Never Wear a Condom Again: No way, no how. Instantiations: An AI gets powerful and utilitarianism rears its head. In Praise of Our God: A helpful neighbor. It’s Hard to Clean Blood Out of a Fur Suit: Right? Jerry’s Mouth: Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats. Jill-o-Lanterns: The murders are all connected. Jim Jameson’s Pumpkins: A dead farmer’s secrets. Know it All: See it all, feel it all, know it all. Last Weekend: Hazmat suits, horror, and a mystery. Licks From a Bear: Skull + electric drill = story. Lippy: I’ve always been self conscious about the size of my labia. Little Cows: Meet the milkmaid. Long Fingers: I can feel them. Making Faces: Strange prints on the windows… Making Their Dad Proud: A family that plays together… Malcolm: You know those floaty things in your eyes? Maria’s Extra-Credit Assignment: Gotta get a good grade. Medical Issue: What’s the stuff I found on a rock? Memoir of a Cam Girl: She is being controlled. Missing Mousetraps: My neighbors had an infestation. Moaning Lollipops: Why do they make that sound in my mouth? Motility: My sperm sucked. Mr. Puddles: A little boy just won’t stop splashing. Mushy Stuff: My parents never let me have any fun. My Amazon Alexa Does More Than Laugh: Please help - I’m in danger. My Brother’s Fall: Horror deep below the Iraqi desert. My Cellar Door is Breathing: Is that normal? My Constellation: Want to be sad? This will make you sad.   My erection lasted longer than 4 hours: and I didn’t call a doctor. My four year old son woke up with a full head of grey hair: Help us. My Last Abduction: All the other ones don’t count. My Only Experience With ASMR: Hint - it didn’t go well. My Sister Found the Coolest Thing!: You’ve gotta hear about it. My Sweet Boy: A mom who loves her son. My Trouble With Fairies: They’re so mischievous and unpredictable! My Wife, the Artist: A couple who loves Halloween. Nests: Ah, the great outdoors. Network Security: Two friends get a glimpse of a Russian science lab. Never Ride the Subway at Night: You never know who could be watching you. Norwalk Cemetery: There’s something alien in there… Not All Men: Temper, temper, young man. Of Malevolence; Of Misanthropy: A disturbed scientist makes a discovery. Open Mouths: A hideous ritual. Otter: I’ve always wanted to be one. Ouroboros: Why cut when you can cut off? Pebbles: A strange meteor shower. Phone Sex: It all started when I realized my iPhone was self-lubricating. People are disappearing in Northern Canada: What is happening? Pool Cover: I almost drowned when I was 13. Pray Away: Conversion therapy for deviant behavior. Pretty Little Bugs: A new job as a cameraman. Prosopagnosia: After an accident, my husband couldn’t recognize us. Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice: What can be better? Quarry: Trying to beat the heat on a summer day. Randall’s Chatty Leg: He said it was talking to him. I heard it. Rats in the Barn: An exterminator’s apprentice. Recycling: Parents try to understand their depressed daughter. Rediscovering the Newness of Sex: Let’s spice it up a little. Regarding Danny and Micah Stevenson: Two brothers rely on one another. Regina’s Raspberry Jam: She put everything she had into it. Road Head: Who doesn’t like getting sucked on? Seriously. Roo: An old man watches a girl grow up. Roots of Change: Something is happening beneath our feet. Ropes: Be careful what you eat. Rotting Pumpkins: A Halloween ritual. Round Faces: My daughter keeps complaining about monsters. Safety: Our grandfather was obsessed with it. Seed of Man, Pollen of Angels: A family tradition. Sex, Gender, and Other Social Constructs: Destroy them all. Sex in the Cemetery: Gotta do it somewhere, I guess. Skincare Diary: My acne was getting out of hand. Smokey, the Dog I Rescued: A very very good boye. Snapshot of a New Man: Evil (Inspiration for The Coronation Cycles series.) Soft Teeth: A man used to sneak into my room at night. Sprouts: Something beautiful from something small. Still a Family: Two sisters have lunch while waiting for their parents. Stop Being Such Babies: The woods aren’t scary, for fuck’s sake. Stuffing: Grandma’s was the best. Suicide Woods: Not just in Japan anymore. Tainted Candy: The legend is real. Teeny-Tiny: Katie wants to lose weight. That Good Dick: You know what I mean ;) The Alzheimer’s Ward: This isn’t right. The Bleakness Before Our Old Eyes: The Universe tasted us that night. The Blissful Insensate: An experiment goes terribly wrong. The Cave in the Lake: A discovery while scuba diving leads to horror. The Chernobyl Abomination: My father saw something he shouldn’t have. The Cotard Delusion: A new drug has a frightening side-effect. The Day I Started Believing In Ghosts: I’m still in shock. The Empty Cribs on Hawthorne Lane: Missing children. The Face in the Clouds: A meteorological anomaly? Or something else? The Floor is Lava: We all used to play that game, right? The Giggliest Girl: Don’t tickle me, Mommy. The Gray in Girl: A man finds a girl on the side of the road. The Hitchhiker: I think I need a new car now. The Incident at the Train Station: After a suicide, something…worse. The Job I Couldn’t Leave: I was employed by a psychopath. The Last of the Trick-or-Treaters: A strange costume. The Last words of an Explorer: A city on no one's map. The Least Satisfying Explanation: And the biggest understatement I’ve made. The Little Ghost: That nagging voice inside your head. The Lord of Hosts: Lice The Moose Hunt: Is…is that really a moose? The Perils of Live TV: It’s not all fun and games. The Perks of Working in a Funeral Home: There aren’t many, but still. The Pilot: A UFO crash. The Oblivion that Masks Pain: Escape. The Old Mine Outside Town: Everyone was too scared to go in. I wasn’t. The Only Solution: How to bring back a loved one? The Only Thing That Matters: Zombies attack a supermarket. The House in the Woods: Bad title, good story. The Shores of Pluto: A journey without moving. The Sleeping Game: We played when we were kids. The Small Eyed Children of Canyon del Cristo: A local legend comes alive. The Squirming Man: Please leave me alone. The Star Bridge: My friend found something beyond life. The Tomb of the Builders: Divers looking for sunken treasure find something evil. The Trawl: We dragged something up from deep underwater. The Wisdom of Moms: Mother knows best. The Worst Party in Ten Thousand Years: Trust me, it’s pretty damn bad. There is nothing wrong in East Flatbush, Brooklyn: Ignore the dragonflies. There’s something very wrong with my parrot: WTF. Tiptoeing the Line of Consent: But never crossing it. To Adore: Our beautiful baby girl. To the Kind Folks at WebMD: Just a couple questions.   To Travel: Bodies in bodies, bodies of bodies. Trees of Eyes: They’re watching. Tunnel Rat: My grandfather told us the worst story I’ve ever heard. Seriously. Uncle Liam: I never told the real story about how he died. Under My Teeth: My mouth is screaming. Uplift: A brilliant scientist works to improve the human condition. We’re All Smiling: Whether we want to or not. We Share the Empty Roads: You’re never, ever alone when you drive. Wet Bedroom: A haunted house with a hideous history. What He Told Me: Evil (Inspiration for The Coronation Cycles series.) Wikileaks: A document they refused to leak. What to expect when I’m expecting: Hint - it’s the worst. Why I Don’t Hike Anymore: Not what you might think.

Story Series

The Smols: Maybe the most fucked up stories I've ever written.

Sade Smols Emmy Smols

The Secret Doctors of NASA: A wide-ranging conspiracy.

A Dentist's Discovery A Psychologist's Suicide A Surgeon's Nightmare

Tales from Social Media

Something horrible is happening to me on Tumblr Something horrible is happening to me on Facebook Something horrible is happening to me on Reddit Something horrible is happening to me on Grindr Something horrible is happening to me on Myspace Something horrible is happening to me on Pokemon Go

Sockets: Craigslist allows you to meeting interesting people.

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3

[youhearstatic]

Top 5 favourite characters: lup, barry, taako, magnus, and merle

Other characters you like: magic brian, klaarg, lucretia, angus, roswell, tom bodett, ah so many

Least favourite character: Lucas (sorry, like i *get* him but someone has to be least favorite)

Otps: lup and barry, taako and kravitz

Notps: magnus and anyone but julia (sorry), lup and anyone but barry (sorry but barry is why i first fell in love with lup before we even met her!)

Favourite friendship: taako and magnus - like the moments in suffering game where it was just !!!! like taako casting soul jar or magnus telling taako he’d take another turn on the wheel so taako didn’t have to give up his looks. not just the actions but that both of them just DID it like it was not even a question. also taako and angus or taako and barry. taako caring for people is great because of how taako is.

Favourite family: tres horny boys, the seven birds

Favourite episode: single episode? oof… episode 66 maybe? That scene where Taako confronts Lucretia like… ooooooh gosh, kills me every time.

Favourite season/book/movie: since im just doing balance i’ll pick miniarc in which case stolen century simply for most lup! if only going by mini arc story then probably… hmm… 11th hour? really hard to say between 11th hour and suffering game though because there’s some really solid developments in suffering game.

Favourite quote: oh how to ever pick just one? okay how about “You’re my oldest and dearest friends. You threw my dog in a goddamned fire.” also when lup says “One small criticism- um, I think you may have forgotten to make it taste good.” or for a short quote I’m a big fan of the nice and simple “I’m so proud of zem.” from magic brian.

Moment that made you fangirl/boy the hardest: oh man, anytime the red robe dropped his character i was just HOOOOKED SO HARD

When it really disappointed you: when it ended :(

Saddest moment: ohhh man. i cried pretty much constantly the last eight or so episodes i think. also like for complete emotional 180? when Taako confronts Lucretia and he’s so angry and also kind of … numb? Like I’m RIGHT there with him, angry and kind of shellshocked after coming off stolen century (i marathoned the last twelve episodes or so) and then magnus (well travis i guess) says he raises the FRPSoD and he kind of chokes up as he says it? BOOM just typing that i get teary eyed! from zero to about to cry in 0.2 seconds. 

Most well done character death: okay… there weren’t REALLY that many but i guess we all know it has to be… magnus :( 

Favourite guest star: brad bradson i guess? he’s the only canon guest star for balance? right?

Favourite cast member: okay this is weird for this fandom so i guess i’ll say griffin because he does so many of the characters… the other three just get one each :-/

Character you wish was still alive: um… gosh, again, weird question for this fandom! okay i guess i’d say… lup and barry? because while it’s great they didn’t get technically reaped but it’s like… they never got to just have their life? i mean they never got to decide if they wanted to have a family or raise alpacas or what the fuck ever… i mean they’re probably plenty happy it just seems like they deserved to make that choice.  …. oh fuck okay i guess really i should have said johann… i wish johann had gotten to be happy :(

One thing you hope really happens: more lup and also some barry please in the live shows

Most shocking twist: lup? barry? davenport?

When did you start watching/reading: like… a month or so ago. haha. devoured it in a week and then did it all again a week later i think.

Trope you wish they would stop using: like the worst one was the kill your gays but they fixed that. the other is fridging i guess but … like… i dunno. i get where travis was coming from? i think there’s also maybe like…. a forgivable amount of death for a character’s backstory for these sorts of genre characters where you need them to like… be solo otherwise why are they off being adventurers? like the alternative is merle was a deadbeat dad who ran out on his family and that says things about a character too, you know? it’s complicated is what i’m saying. 

One thing this show/book/film does better than others: okay i think that the mcelroys have really really tried to fix things they’ve fucked up. like the sloane and hurley thing and the taco thing - they are willing to say ‘we should have handled this better’ even if they didn’t intend it badly. it makes me appreciate them all the more, you know?

Funniest moments: okay for balance like… for an extended bit? magic brian’s death. magic brian was just a treat all around imo. oh or the whole thing about breaking into the sharks base. barbara taking little jerry to the bathroom just tickled me.

Couple you would like to see: avi and johann maybe?

Actor/Actress you want to join the cast: none. but i wouldn’t mind some cross over from other arc characters showing up somehow in live shows i guess? especially duck or errol or agustus or aubrey (i feel like i’m being mean to clint!) …or gandy or ned.

Most boring plotline: i don’t know! like every time i was kinda meh about something in theory it was actually really good. like in general racing movies aren’t my thing but petals to the metal was fantastic. westerns aren’t my cup of tea but the 11th hour was fucking terrific. maaayyyyyybe the plot arc of crystal kingdom wasn’t my fave i guess? there was a lot to be accomplished there, though, so i think it’s story maybe suffered a little to achieve so many other goals for the overall arc

Best flashback/flashfoward if any: stolen century. i mean… that feels like cheating but come on it was fucking amazing. if you don’t want to count a whole arc then i guess barry’s flashback of his decade while everyone was voidfished.

Most layered character: hmmm…. my impulse here is to say a toss up between taako and lucretia

Scariest moment: the judges! fuck, that cycle was scary even knowing it obviously turned out okay!

Grossest moment: oh god, so many merle moments were just right at that edge of skeevy ickness

Best looking male: taako (this is cheating)

Best looking female: lup (but how can i not pick them?)

Who you’re crushing on (if any): lup, look, i just fucking love lup, okay? LUUUUUUUP

Most beautiful scene (scenery/shot wise): hmm… like i don’t really know how to answer this one. sometimes i had a hard time picturing things. other times i pictured things really clearly. but i’m not sure those were particularly beautiful? if i go by things i pictured that if they were real shots i would say had beautiful cinematography? then… probably anything with the void fish because they are beautiful and… probably any of the scenes in the ruins of the capital city with the robots during stolen century.

Unanswered question/continuity issue/plot error that bugs you: liches/touching stuff. how does barry always have his glasses especially after phandolin? how many times did barry go to the BoB? 

At what point did you fall in love with this show/book: i’m gonna say a few: klaarg and then magic brian were both like… okay i’m in, this is great. but the point when it DEVOURED MY BRAIN and i was completely sunk into the fandom? when red robe barry said “lup, they don’t trust me” oh god, seriously. if you’d told me okay that’s it, you can’t listen to any more ever and you’ll never get the answers to what was going on there i’d have like… bartered suffering game style, given a pinky finger or memories or something. that’s why i can’t go for any ship that’s lup and not-barry. barry’s love for lup is why i first fell in love with lup, why i first fell in love with barry, and why i first fell in obsession/love with taz: balance. 

[groundramon]

Its only been 15ish minutes but I’m still thinking about this post and I really like how instead of being offended about the outrageous displays of sexism in the exact field im going into, instead of being mad that a show I really enjoy was canceled prematurely/at a spoiler (? so I’ve heard, like I’ve said I’m only on season 3 so...), I’m just like “WHAT DO YOU MEAN TERRA WOULD’VE GOTTEN MORE SCREENTIME IN SEASON 6″

That says a lot about where my priorities lie.  Like sexism in the children’s television industry and division in the toy industry are two things I’d love to work against once I get into the industry (I mean im not planning to change the world lmfao but I can try) considering both fields are close to my heart and I’ll probably be working with them extensively once I get a job (not sure how involved I’ll be in merchandising but I’d like to have at least some hand in it), and I hate enforcing gender roles on kids (do you know how fucked up I’d be if my parents didn’t let me play with “masculine” toys like dragons, Pokemon figures, ect-), but Terra is more important.

My obsession aside, I do wonder how much that’s changed in recent years.

Teen Titans aired from 2003 to 2006, and honestly I think sexism had the biggest grip on children’s television in that time period than any other time period.  Sure other older shows would just...not show females in equal roles to their male counterparts, but in the early 2000s, either you did that too or you made a big deal about your female character being given equal treatment to her male counterpart.  Oh boy, look at Rika from Digimon Tamers, it’s so WEIRD that she’s a GIRL and she’s SO GOOD AT TAMING AND THE CARD GAME, wOWEE.  I give Digimon Tamers a lot of slack for that because it was extremely realistic about its sexism lmao (Henry never said anything about Rika being a girl, Jerry and Rika were both treated as equals in the overarching narrative, ect) but my point still stands.  Teen Titans is really good about how it treats its female characters, but I can still see the fingerprints of this era all over it, from its character designs (DRAW RAVEN WITH A THICKER WAIST YOU COWARDS) to its choreography (if Starfire gets wrapped up by one more tentacle I s2g-)  They also both have male-dominated casts but like...what show doesn’t?  Steven Universe, and then shows specifically targeted towards females?  And like, I’m not gonna sit here and yell at shows from the early 2000s because these were the better shows out there, they tried their best.  I can find a more sexist show airing nowadays easily, and like whatever, plenty of shows have done just as bad if not worse and I’m just using those as examples because I’ll stan those shows til i die.  I’m just sayin, it’s not surprising given the time period.  (I also have no idea how ATLA survived and thrived in the late 2000s, seriously what the fuck, how did Nickelodeon do something right in those years)

Fastforward to nowadays though, and while male-dominated casts are still the...well everything except Steven Universe and female-oriented shows, there are so many shows that really don’t seem to appeal to a particular gender.  If you made me pick, I’d say shows like Steven Universe, Adventure Time, and We Bare Bears are probably aimed at 7-10 year old boys.  But honestly?  They’re relatively ageless and genderless shows; SU and AT are both adventure-comedies, and We Bare Bears is about as gender-neutral as a Tom and Jerry cartoon.  And I already mentioned that SU is like the only cartoon I can think of that doesn’t have a male-dominated main cast and isn’t targeted exclusively at girls.

One thing that the 2010s have brought that I really appreciate is ageless, genderless shows that aren’t just there to sell toys.  Sure you can find merchandise for AT and SU (I cant find any WBB merchandise though :( i wouldnt mind an ice bear plushie but its fine...im fine...) but it was never their primary goal.

Green Lantern was canceled in 2013, and while that doesn’t seem that long ago, that was actually four years ago (jesus christ why am I so old).  Young Justice was canceled the same year, but it was announced last year that it’d be returning for a new season.  Legend of Korra was canceled in 2012, meaning it could’ve easily been part of the same sexism in the industry that killed Green Lantern and Young Justice.  I did hear something about there being concern from Nickelodeon executives about Korra being a girl, but the writing team was allowed to proceed when a test screening showed that boys didnt care about her gender (surprise surprise! kids arent sexist assholes until you teach them to be. who knew? oh yeah I FUCKING DID) so...

Yes shows like Adventure Time and Steven Universe were out or coming out around this time, but the industry hadn’t made the shift in mindset yet.  Adventure Time was a hit at the time, but like Avatar: The Last Airbender, it was an outlier, a show that was picked up for so many seasons and just too big to kill when its contract was up.  But with shows like Steven Universe, Clarence, We Bare Bears, ect...the cartoon industry has become a lot more gender-neutral in my eyes.

The group that networks are most concerned with appealing to now is 90s kids.  The hip thing to do is play with nostalgia and reuse old properties, for whatever gender people you want.  That’s why Teen Titans Go is still playing when it appeals to people of all genders, despite Teen Titans doing the same thing (in an arguably better show) a decade ago.

But one thing I dont understand is 90s cartoons.  90s cartoons - the original CN cartoons, the original Nicktoons, the original Disney cartoons - none of them seemed particularly...gendered.  Like anyone could relate to Hey Arnold.  Courage the Cowardly Dog was scary no matter your gender.  Everyone loved Ducktales - altho I guess Disney isn’t behind any of the situations i mentioned before (it’s mostly CN and then a little bit of Nickelodeon, but I do know Disney’s done some...kinda shady shit and does have a tendency to gender its shows, but idk if it’s ever canceled a show for that reason)  I dont know.  I wish I had the motivation and resources to do more research, but I’m just some idiot on the internet lmao.

I guess my point is that Teen Titans, The Legend of Korra, and related shows would likely be much better off if they were airing in 2017.

[inhalareexhalare]

Patterns and People and Common Fucking Sense

Everything was dandy up to this one moment.

Here's the stuff I got to tell Isla:

I'm on my first day so it hurtsssss

Also I'm attending a little album launch for [Theodore's] old band. Lots of awesome bands out here x_x

It's been all fun, and I hate to admit this but I'm still kinda sulky

Because the guys went ahead inside without me huhu. It's just really me though. Maybe they thought I was too scared of the crowd to enter or something.

I'm outside now since I can't focus on the music anyway. My head understands, but my emotions still are sulky. Guess I still haven't accepted the fact that they went ahead

Just takin a break from the scene~

...

Better now but I still don't want to see [Karu's] face. I feel sorta hurt :< but I know it's really just me. Cuz I'm also partly envious of how they're having fun right now without a care in the world, and I could just vanish and they wouldn't mind you know? I feel like a kid who craves for attention. Maybe I didn't really get over that from when I was an actual kid haha

Isla suggested that I could tell these people that I'm not so comfortable with being left out, and ask them if they could tell me next time when they have to go.

To Isla:

Yeah. Actually that sounds like a lot more reasonable thing to do HAHAHA

Thanks.

I feel a lot better now. :) I might even be able to face him now!

To Isla it's important that the person involved is informed so that you know that you've done your part, and it's up to them if they can adjust to it or not. If not, better have another conversation.

I feel it's important too.

Ugh why am I so stubborn? I slapped Karu's hand away by the way. I found out they went ahead without me and gathered my courage to go to the crowd and found them, and I tried to show him my hurt by pouting but it seemed too vague so he acted naturally and clasped my hand with his, as we had been doing one hour before I went alone, and I brushed it off with my other hand quite violently. Wordlessly.

Then vanished from the scene. That's when I saw I could "just vanish​ and it wouldn't matter" and I was too sad to think straight.

I actually am still sad. Even though I talk calmly and gently now, and am not aggressive/antagonistic towards Karu or anyone. I wasn't lying when I told Isla I feel a lot better. It's just that I have a completely independent internal conflict. A belief system, in my sleep, in my unconscious, rearing its horns again.

I am completely convinced that I'm a worthless piece of shit and that I don't matter and I'm ironically too self-important while knowing all these things.

I want to go away. I want to disappear.

I've been considering jumping off after I vanished. Twice maybe. But it feels too stupid. I got many things I still want to learn.

Not that I'm worth it.

Aaaah. I wanna cry alone once everyone's asleep. It's one way to take care of myself.

This un-worth belief is so persistent. And deeply rooted. I literally have to get to the bottom of it if I want to calm it down and understand it. Which is scary.

I didn't even check my phone to see if anyone left a message. I wanted an excuse. Something to confirm my inner worthlessness. Psychology calls this confirmation bias. Yes. That's how bad this is.

2019-02-24 02:00 Philippines Sunday

I ended up crying my eyeballs off anyway (figurative).

After reading my last entry, Karu went and talked about his perspective to bring additional clarity to the situation.

I took it as a reprimand. Again, the victim reflex. His voice sounded hurt and tired. I ran off to cry in secret for several minutes after my voice broke saying, "I weren't wrong, I never said that!" (meaning, I knew all along that I wasn't making sense, and that these people were just doing what they thought was right.

With the bare minimum courage necessary to move, I managed to get out of the bathroom and reenter our room. I apologized. My voice kept breaking and I didn't like it. But I had to keep apologizing. Because I seriously thought he'd want to break up tonight. I think he must be getting tired of me. I just seem to be getting worse. Or I'm just really the same and just running out of excuses to hide from.

He expressed that he was truly affected by the hand slap, since his problem is anger and rage, and he reacts especially differently when it comes to physical attacks.

But assured me that he doesn't want to break up for "a stupid reason" like getting tired of me.

Getting tired isn't a valid reason to quit training altogether, he said. 

"If I'm tired, what I need is rest (not quit)."

How stupid. It's really that simple.

He encourages me to keep going, despite it being unknown how any of us can be fixed.

Well, each individual really just has their own struggles. We define some people broken and others fixed, but maybe we're all just the same; undecided. We're all people with struggles, most of them hard to accept, even as we try hard to. And we get tired along the way.

But when you're tired, you must rest.

It's okay. So you made a mistake. Learn what you can from it. Move on to the next mission: rest. And then your next move shall depend on what you want to do about what you learned.

Okay, this time, I'm faced with a feeling of being left out again. My instinctive move is to assume these people meant to harm me, and my self worth is heavily compromised for a transient sense of comfort in a familiar hell (which is self depreciation).

(1) Find an appropriate means of communication to help them understand what you feel and what your fears are telling you. Hopefully, they make that dialogue with you and share their perspective to you, so you can understand things from a farther standpoint. (Bigger picture.)

It's important not to delay. But the point is also, however, to keep calm. So next...

(2) Focus. Breathe in deeply, and out. Look into their eyes. Don't treat them as persons in relation to you. Treat them as they are—independent complex individuals.

Okay. More things to try out.

2019-02-24 03:22 Philippines Sunday

Okay, I'm awake. I'm not done assessing myself yet.

Why is it that there are things I want to do which I think requires Karu's common presence?

Example 1, even if I had my own funds last night, I wouldn't go if Karu wouldn't. Even if I really was curious to go.

Example 2, even of I could, I wouldn't go to Cavite alone, if Karu wouldn't be coming with me. Even if I really wanted to visit.

But it's not applicable to everything.

Examples 3, If it were about visiting Isla's home or hanging out with Nynaeve, or having lunch with the Dean Team or going out with them somewhere, I would love to go on my own.

The pattern is that my decision is made partly according to the developed identity around a certain group.

Examples 1 and 2 involve groups which involve me only as a person that is related to Karu. Meaning, in those scenarios, I consider myself as an identity that won't survive, or even exist, if Karu wasn't there to be a connecting point to relate me to the group.

Examples 3 involve the groups to which I am related to as my own person. I am directly related to the mentioned people.

Okay, I get it now.

I need to step up. I need to make authentic, direct relationships with the groups that I really want to support

Yes, I do like the people from Examples 1, and 2. It's just that I developed a twisted way of relating to them, from being too overwhelmed the first time we interacted, that I didn't get to relate to them directly.

I knew it was weird that no matter what the people from those two groups found it hard to relate to me even though they seem to be used to my presence.

Mission: Focus In Crisis—Communicate with Independent Complex Individuals

Mission: Make Authentic, Direct Relationships

I'm more organized with thoughts now, but I still have some leftover demotivation. I feel like I can't do these things.

2019-02-24 10:39 Philippines Sunday

We're here, celebrating birthdays! I'm surprisingly doing well talking with people old and young. I am blending well with the kids, and I was able to extend conversations with the adults who I am not really close to yet. It really is easier to talk with them when I disconnect the fact that Karu and I are related in relation to these adults.

There are about three sibling families here~

The kids have crazy energy but I seemed to be working well with them hahaha because I'm more of a buddy to them than a babysitter I guess. Konten and Yani avoids Jerry because the little boy has an uncontrollable tongue and very poorly developed empathy and tact. He seems smart enough to be able to talk to though, so we're all cool.

2019-02-24 10:39 Philippines Sunday