#but since this is a pearl blog i wont get into it

[dailypearldoodles]

Day 525

"With all due respect sir please watch your back."

sorry its more HC x FMA AU again

Major Stevens Impulse is basically Pearl's right hand man. He often accompanies Pearl or Gem during field work and sometimes research. He's a skilled marksman and physically stronger than Pearl and Gem (that is, without the use of their alchemy). Pearl and Gem are also notoriously bad at watching their backs, though they joke that it's just to give Impulse something to do.

[corvidry]

All About RP Icons For Beginners by Birdy

Hi OP, I’m not sure how experienced you are with all the nonsense surrounding the making and using of RP icons, so I’m gonna come at it as though you don’t have any experience with it at all and I’m sorry if that’s too simplified for you, but also if I’m gonna write many paragraphs about one topic I may as well make it accessible for as many people as possible ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

This post goes into what tools are out there for the popular methods of finding/making RP icons in the first half and my personal methodology for choosing and using them in my RP for the second half. This is a very surface level answer to the question and is not meant to be an in depth tutorial for the more labor intensive aspects of the process, but if you guys want more information and can’t find it elsewhere, please ask and I'll know what I should be talking about next. 

Also I’m also contractually obligated to mention to the masses that I do take commissions both for the drawing of RP icons and the service of capping, cutting, recoloring, and framing canon icons. Sometimes I even post batches of canon character icons for free on this blog so like,,,,, hit me up if you want. But!! You don’t need me, you can absolutely do all of it yourself!!  I go into the broad strokes below.

Question 1: “How do you get icons?” 

This is kind of a broad question and the answer depends on what your needs are. The right answer for you is gonna live in one of two camps 

Find some that already exist that are free to use

Make them yourself / commission somebody else to make them for you. 

What you'll choose is gonna depend a lot on your character first and foremost.  The big determining factor in most cases is whether or not the face you want has been in anything you can take pictures of. 

If you have a canon character who exists in visible media--

--you're in luck! The chances of you finding some resources that exist already is higher when you have a canon character who is in at least a few pieces of media. OP asked about Pearl from Steven Universe, and she's a great example of a character with a lot of resources. Searching for rp icons of a popular character will often yield packs of icons on Tumblr, Dreamwidth, Livejournal, etc. Most of these will be completely free to use or have very reasonable conditions for use (like credit the person who made them for example.)  It's often a good first step to see what preexisting resources are available to you even if you still plan on making your own icons. 

If you have an OC or a character that's not all that popular--

--you're gonna fall into the second camp. If you want icons, you have to have them made. So what are your options?

Help! My character appears in no media! What are my options?

If your character appears in no media you're in a tough spot. Different people approach this problem in different ways. 

Face Claims

One option you have is to choose a face claim to represent your character. In roleplay a face claim or ‘FC’ is a person or character whose appearance you use for the physical description of your character. I personally am not big on doing this, I prefer drawn icons and I tend to RP as animated characters, but some people really like using celebrities and stuff to represent their characters.  When I was playing Angus McDonald he hadn't appeared in any visual media yet, so I sometimes used Bryce Clyde Jenkins as the face claim for certain types of threads.  

If you're somebody who likes to use face claims there are loads of resources out there for finding the perfect one, including here on tumblr. Try searching up RP Faceclaim Directory and playing around with some of the ones that pop up.

DIY RP Icons

The other option you have is to create those icons from scratch. Draw them yourself based on icons you like or commission an artist to draw some for you.   If you can't draw yourself, I've seen some people get really creative with this. Some people create their character in the sims, dollmakers, or their favorite RPG and then take screenshots of that to use for icons.  There's also no law that says every icon you use has to be your character's face. When I was writing a trashy mermaid AU I got a lot of mileage out of icons that depicted harbor and oceanic scenes with no actual faces. Get creative, go nuts, have fun.

Icons Aren’t That Important

The other thing to remember that icons are not a must in many RP circles. It's perfectly possible to have a great time and write cool stuff without any pictures at all. Depending on your platform of choice there are probably also other interesting ways you can make your posts unique to you by formatting the text or using symbols or emojis or otherwise denoting your personal style in text.

Help! My character appears in lots of media! How do I make icons?

Again, there are a million and one answers to this question and it really depends on what tools are available to you and what your preferences are. This section is not a tutorial but it will outline some of the options you can look into.

The icon making process is typically in 2 stages-- stage 1: get all your images of your character, and stage 2: edit all of those images into icons.  

If you have access to the source material, any version of Photoshop, and software that automates the collection screencaps from video (KM Player, VLC, etc) you're pretty much gucci. You're gonna have no problem getting loads of nice icons in a reasonably short amount of time and there are a million different tutorials on how to use those things whichever way you prefer. 

If you don't have access to those things you still have options. 

You can still screencap things manually, and you can screencap in batches by holding down the windows key and pressing PrtSc any time you want to save an image. They should be saving to >pictures>screenshots unless you’ve set things up differently. It’s a good way to take a lot of screenshots without stopping in between.

( EDIT / UPDATE: to say that if you use automation for taking screencaps remember to turn that shit off when you’re not using because it oh mylanta it WILL continue to take images without you realizing. Figured out where all my disk space has been going with this rookie mistake, thanks OP)

Additionally, PhotoScape X is a really great little tool for windows and mac that I've never seen anybody talk about, but I use it sometimes and it's totally free with the exception of a few paid features I’ve never once needed or wanted. This program is not as efficient as using Photoshop but it has presets for cropping images easily as well as batch editing options for some basic borders and color retouching.  While it’s not as powerful as Photoshop, you can get a lot done with it reasonably quickly compared to other choices. You can also take and edit snips of anything on your screen with it, which is really really useful if you don’t have access to the video or image files you would need on your hard drive for other version of this process.  The program looks like this:

Also, not to be like a minimalist about it, but you can also just fucken use Microsoft Paint or whatever you have. Like, whatever, there’s no law. You graphics dont have to be comlpex or deep fried. Half of my icons have been made or edited in paint at some point. It wont be as fast as some of these other methods but a lot of us aren't out here making icons in batches of 100 at a time. 

Anything that you can use to make smallish images of your characters face will work to make icons.

If you want more information about any of these methods of icon creation let me know and I’ll talk about them.

Question 2: “How do you make your icons ‘work’ in posts?”

I'm a little confused on what you mean by "make them work" so I'm gonna cover my bases here. I'm assuming what you're getting at is a sort of sense of cohesion in the icons I use, or having the "right" expression for the scene I'm writing. Either that or them not stretching and looking weird thanks to tumblr. I’ll get to both of those.

And before I go into my own rationale for icon choices I feel I should point out that a lot of people who aren't me do successfully manufacture cohesion out of their images by doing fun stylistic things like recoloring their images all the same way or putting cute borders and stuff around them or making them fun shapes, and that's totally something you can learn how to do if it interests you.  I do this for icons commissioned by other people and I’m not against talking about how to do those things, but I don’t really bother with them for my own icons all that much. That stuff is all fun and it’s a neat thing you could get into that can make your icons all look really nice together.

BUT ANYWAY --

Since the character you asked about is Pearl, I’m going to focus on her. Nearly all of my Pearl icons are completely unedited and a lot of the credit I would have to give regarding icon quality goes to Pearl herself and the consistently good lighting that the show uses. I don’t have a huge need for editing or color retouching beyond making memes or whatever other goofy things I might be getting up to. Pearl is extremely expressive compared to other characters I have written and since she's in nearly every episode, I've managed to collect…

...oh god, that’s too many icons.

Pearl is a main character and I've been RPing as her for over 6 years now so I have a fuckload of images to choose from and I'm not gonna pretend that doesn't help when I wanna “make things work”. She gives me a lot of options.

That said, you absolutely don't need 3000 images to make a good post. The way I've collected and organized these images may be of use to you even if you dont have as many icons. I've done a lot with my setup to make finding the right icon very easy. 

For starters, a minor subset of my Pearl icons are grouped by a particular defining feature. I have one large Pearly folder full of icons and then a few smaller folders inside for icons I thought worth grouping separately. For example, all icons of SUF Pearl in her new jacket are in the same folder. All icons of Pearl in short term alternate outfits are in the same folder. Anything I sourced from Attack the Light is in its own folder. I do this with anything that has a very specific use, such as writing AU content or flashbacks to specific time periods. If I can picture an icon in my head, I usually know where in my ridiculous hell collection to go to find it. 

This folder was originally just for her pre-canon outfit but now all of her outfits that only appeared temporarily are in there.

Perhaps more important for the sake of cohesion is that nearly all of my icons that aren’t squirreled away in some smaller folder are loosely arranged by episode. What that means is that most of the time I have icons from the same scene right next to one another. It makes it incredibly easy to make my RP replies appear as though it's all one cohesive scene even if I use more than one icon. When you do it this way it becomes very easy to choose icons that have the same lighting or that appear to lead from one expression seamlessly into another. Exhibit A:

While the vast majority of my icons are numbered, I do take the time to name ones I find myself using a lot or that have particularly unique expressions. Usually I'll choose names that I'll find descriptive or easy to remember based on the context of the icon. You can have a lot of fun with that and never lose your favorites.

Also don't be afraid to lean on icons you got from weird places if you like them.  The icons of Pearl from the official comics run don’t look like most of what I have. I think them being different would turn a lot of RPers off, but I use them a lot because I like the style and I almost never see other Pearl RPers using them.  It either makes me stand out or it makes me tacky, one of the two, haven’t figured out which, but also I’m not stopping.

And just to reiterate, you can use icons that aren’t your character if they’re thematically relevant or vague enough to look like them. When I’m capping I’ve started saving a folder of miscellaneous environments of interests, hands, and other everyday types of scenery that appear in the thing I’m taking screencaps of.

You can use any size you want for RP icons but the most common is 100x100 or 150x150 pixels.  Any smaller than that and the image gets to be difficult to read and work with in my opinion. That doesn’t stop people, of course, but I’m elderly and need glasses now, so no tiny icons for me.  On that note, I rarely see RP icons larger than 300x300. Any larger than that it tends to get bulky and be in the way of other people’s comfortable internet browsing experience, especially on mobile.  Of course, these are just my suggestions. What you choose will ultimately be up to you, but somewhere in that 100 to 300 px range is pretty safe.

A very tumblr specific thing to know is that any image that is wider than 300 pixels will be stretched to hell, so you probably want to keep it smaller than that.

Thanks, Tumblr, I hate it!

Also, don’t be afraid to make trash images for fun if you’re so inclined. People love that, or at least I do. Not having the right icon can be fun and lead to a very silly solution. Lean into being a shitposter if that’s what you’re called to do. 

So yeah, that’s basically what my suggestions are. Collect your images in a way that helps cohesion and ease of use. Keep them a good size. Don’t be afraid to get unconventional with your choices or make memes or whatever. It’s all for a fun time.

Anyway, that’s all I can think of right now, but more info on any of this can be obtained at the price of one ask, I know it was a lot of different moving parts.

[wongiemei]

Roommate!Jeno

a/n: maybe i should just turn this blog into an nct dream one

okay

letsgetit!

first of all,

story time!

your uni is fucking expensive and it’s more expensive if you live in the grounds

so you being the wise human,

you went to get an apartment near the campus

it was great and all since roommate!jaemin was paying for his stuff

you were both living respectively until he had to leave

the dumbass didnt even bother to tell you

one morning you just woke up and found his note

‘hey bitch! figured you were too much of a rock to wake up but i moved out! the family wants me to go back home and tend the restaurant’

the whole day yesterday, you were working

bc,,, yknow

broke college life

and you just walked in half asleep towards your room and fell asleep

so you didnt really see or notice

but were you freaking out bc your roommate suddenly moved out?

ofc you were freaking out

not only was your roommate gone,

how were you going to find a new one?!

jaemin expected your phone call that afternoon and he endured through all your screaming

‘babe, i’m just going to be gone for a year-or two’

‘oR tWO?!’

‘hun, my dad’s injured and his back can only let him do so much. ma’s working too much and i dont have any siblings to help. i figured i could just hold off college until my parents are ready’

ugh, jaemin is such a family boy

‘but jaems! you couldnt have at least told me that yOu wERe mOvING OuT?! and! rent is due soon! i can’t pay for that myself!’

jaemin couldve easily told you to warn yoy

but he didn’t want to tell you bc he couldnt handle you sad and didnt want to upset you

however, now jaemin really understands how shitty that move was

‘tell you what. i’ll pay for this month and make a few phone calls and i’ll get you set up with a new roommate, deal?’

knowing how much of a social butterfly he was, you agreed

ofc you trusted jaemin but part of you feared that he might pair you up with a freak

but he’s not that mean, is he?

you can definitely see renjun doing that but not jaemin

so there you are,,

sitting on your couch alone

without jaemin, your apartment felt really empty

its been a few days since he moved and you were miserable

jaemin hasn’t even texted you about that potential roommate

just as you were about to call him,,

your doorbell rang

you froze and you looked at the time

it was nearing 11 at night and you don’t remember ordering delivery

see,,

if jaemin was here,

he would answer it for you since you would be too scared to do it

but you mustered up your courage and peeped through the peep hole

the man was dressed in all black with a black mask and a black cap with his hood over it with a black hoodie and black pants

ngl, you were terrified and trembling

he rang it again and you jumped

typing out a quick text to jaemin saying ‘hey bub, if i don’t text you in an hour, that means ive been kidnapped so call the police’

you grabbed a pan from the cupboard and gulped before you opened the door

thinking he would just walk forward and grab you, you closed your eyes and raised your pan over your head and swung

a shriek from in front of you made your eyes snap open and found the guy on the floor with a fetal position

you both just froze for like a phat minute

snapping back to reality, you held the pan in front of you

‘if youre going to kidnap me, i got a pan and im not afraid to hit you with it!’

you tried to sound intimidating but your voice was shaking so much

the guy stood up and he took off his hat and the mask to reveal a blonde haired kid

okay, so you were sHOokETh

damn! this boy is fine!

he gave you a shaky smile and held out his hand

‘hi! i’m lee jeno! you must be y/n? jaemin told me you had an opening for a roommate?’

now you noticed the two duffle bags at the side

the embaressment and the shame settled in slowly and you found yourself burning up

nodding, you motioned him to come in

jeno awkwardly walked in and was amazed at how big the layout was with the low rent

‘yea, its kinda hard to believe that we only pay that much. at first i thought there was a ghost in here and that’s why its so cheap’

you tried to make small conversation but laughed weirdly at jeno’s slightly terrified face

‘no! there really is not ghost here! ive lived here for a year and there hasnt been anything so please dont understand! please be my roommate!’

you begged and jeno thought you were weird

but jaemin was right, you were weirdly adorable in a way

so that’s how you and jeno became apartment buddies!

now onto the good stuff!

so, jeno is a vv clean guy

like he’s the type to just pick up a wrapper in the street and throw it in the garbage

so naturally, he likes to keep the apartment as tidy and neat as possible

but you being a mess you are,

you usually leave a lot of things everywhere

lets just say you have a short memory

‘oh? how did that get there?’

eventually, jeno gets sick of it and he confronts you with it

ofc you understand and you actually try to be better

since jeno is literally the most perfect roommate

maybe even better than jaemin

(but don’t tell him that)

jeno is the type to re-stock the pantry with snacks and the fridge with ice cream

since youre both college students, ramen is practically always available in the house 24/7

he also makes the coffee every morning since he works early and wakes up first

even though he doesn’t like the drink and prefers milk, he still notices how you survive off of coffee

babie likes to pick you up some iced americano while he gets a frappe

you on the other hand,,

you’re very surprised

when you got to bed after showing jeno around,

you messaged jaemin

ofc he was worried af and was blowing up your phone

‘WHAT?!’

‘bitch answer the damn phone!’

‘whatthe fuck is happening?!’

‘i need to know if you’re still alive!’

‘oh fuck i shouldnt have moved out’

smiling softly at how worried he was, you responded to him

‘you hoe, it hasnt been an hour yet so chillax. i’m alive, unfortunately, and i just met my new roommate. again, thanks for the heads-up. youre so bad at those. i literally thought he was a burgular or a kidnapper. but he seems chill and emo. just my type.’

but jeno is F A R from C H I L L

oh my goodness,,

hes a crackhead

theres this sound he makes when he’s confused and you couldnt figure out if its cute or weird or if he’s doing this on purpose or thats just how he is

you and him basically communicate with memes

sometimes, at the weird hours at night, he sends you a dumbass meme

you cant help but snort 

also, you promised to take jaemin out to dinner to repay him for the great roommate

‘hes literally one of the best people youll ever meet. it just so happen he needed a place to sleep. now you owe me’

hes a science major while you were a computer major

he basically brings home weird stuff to analyze and it just hella stinks

but hes considerate enough to actually put it outside

whenever he’s focused, he talks to himself or the thing he’s analyzing

‘okay mr. fishy. your scales are really big and its bigger than average’

its so cute

oof also!

jeno doesnt have a job yet he always makes rent on time with extra money to spare

he even sometimes buys you stuff saying, ‘they reminded me of you’

for your birthday, he bought you a pearl necklace that mustve costed thousands

at first, you thought he was a chaebol or smth

which you wouldve been vv jealous of bc youre a struggling college student who works at the coffee shop

but, you were answered when you caught him walking in half-dazed and half-asleep with cuts all over his face

it was like 2 in the morning and you were pulling an all-nighter for some project and wanted to get a glass of water

but here he is, hood up, lip busted, black eye, cheek cut

you shrieked and ushered him to sit on the dining chair

thinking he got mugged or something, you start drilling him questions

‘hun, if you were beat up, we need to call the police! this is illegal!’

but jeno chuckles and brushes the stray hairs out of your face as you tend to his lip

‘pls dont. if you do, ill be broke and i wont have money to pay rent then i cant be your roommate anymore’

cue confused y/n

‘wUT?’

‘if i dont make money, youll kick me out and youll have to find another roommate. i dont want you to go through that hassle again’

ofc you were flattered that even during this situation, hes still thinking about you

‘how is this making money?!’

‘i cant believe youre oblivious to so many things. i thought for sure youve caught on.’

more confusion

‘eXCUse mE, lEE JEno? since when have you started coming home with all these things in your face?’

you were worried that this wasnt the first time this happened

but if you think hard about it, thats why he always wears his mouth masks and he always has his blonde fringe down and sometimes wears sunglasses even though its cloudy outside

‘ohmygod lee jeno are you in a gang?!’

jeno was shocked that you came to that conclusion but laughed at how adorable you were rn

with your wide eyes and mouth open

‘nah, bro. i box. its the only way i can make easy money.’

‘but,,, why did you hide this from me? if you needed money i couldve helped you’

he looked at you skeptically

‘sis, you could barely afford that muffin the other day’

lee jeno now looked different from the jeno you met the first day

What you thought to be an innocent little squish was a fighter at night

‘yah, can-um-you need to take this off’

you mumbled while tugging on his sweatshirt

he nodded and slipped it off

he explained why he came late when he first moved

‘i had a late night match and yknow,, school and all, i barely had enough time to come'

as you dab the wound, you try to make small talk to distract yourself

 ‘so,, youve been boxing this whole time?’

you asked, trying not to get distracted to the way his tight shirt clung to him, showing his defined body

there were bruises up and down his arms and his knuckles were busted

‘yea. i have been since senior high. gotta make money, yknow?’

‘but jen, you can work in coffee shops or at local bookstores. its not worth seeing you busted up like this’

your lips trembled at the thought of him being beaten up too hard to the point he gets into a coma

jenos eyes widened at your wobbling lips and he softly cupped your face

‘hey, im okay and ill be fine. you dont have to worry about me. i usually win, anyways’

his confidence made you chuckle

‘i trust you, lee jeno. just make sure to make it home to me every night.’

‘i know you do and i will. always.”

ever since then,

youve become his little caretaker

youve informed jaemin of what hes been doing and he knew but didnt want you to judge him immediately

smh, jaemin really sucks at informing people

but jeno tries to help you keep up

he even sends you texts that hes fighting that night and your little ‘fighting!’ always makes him smile

his manager and friend, chenle, noticed that hes starting to smile more

chenle likes boxing and wants to be a part of it but doesnt want to be hurt

so,, what better to be the manager of his friend

‘yah, hyung. what’s got you giggly today?’

jeno pointed to the screen and giggled at the little good luck gif you sent

his eyes turned to crescents and chenle smirked

‘wah, you like her, don’t you?’

at the mention of ‘like’, his smile dropped and he shook his head

‘no. of course not. shes just a friend.’

chenle being chenle,,

he continues to prod

‘okay. so every night, you make it your priority to make sure you’re home by 2 in the morning for your friend’

smh, chenle youre so annoying

but hes so right

ever since you caught him,

hes been making sure he gets home at the same time 

he sends you a text that hes on his way and you set your ringtone at a very high volume so you wake up and take care of him

during fights, he makes it his sole mission to make out of this alive and a winner for you

but that never crossed his mind as his feelings for you

he just thought of it as making you not worry for him

but then, he starts to think about your stupid little habits

the way you make this face whenever you dont understand

or when you still leave little post-it notes everywhere with ideas you come up with

he noticed it all and he loves them

‘hOLy ShIT!’

that night was when he realized his feelings for you and he was so dedicated on finishing it that he quickly won and he dashed home with his money

bursting through the door, you looked at him with wide and startled eyes

‘what’s wrong?’

you came running but he scooped you up to a hug

ok you were confused but relieved that he was home and alright

jeno looked at your face and wanted to confess but chickened out at the sight of you

you were so good to him and honestly, he doesnt deserve you

(his thoughts, not mine)

‘i-i’

he stuttered and you motioned him to continue

‘i won!’

he shouted and you congratulated him, even though he literally won all the time

guiding him to the chair, you began to dab his cuts

(dab that bitch)

‘im starting to think that your opponents either really suck or youre like the god of boxing’

he didnt know how to take that but blushed red at the mention of him being a ‘god of boxing’

‘nah, im just good’

you eyed him and smiled

he continued to watch you heal him and inspected your face

heavy eyebags and sunken cheeks, it mustve been a long night

he felt a pang in his chest thinking that you push your stuff away just to help him

‘you dont have to keep doing this for me, yknow’

you halt and look at him seriously

‘i know i dont. but i cant sleep at night thinking youre in pain and alone when i can be there for you’

even though he just realized it, jeno was pretty sure he fell in love with you a long time ago

but if it was possible, he fell in love with you even more

‘thank you’

his soft voice filled the silence and you vowed that you will always be there for him whenever he needs help

a few days later, jeno hasnt been to a fight

sure you were worried at what was going on in his head but partly relieved that you dont have to see him so battered anymore

but this was so un-jeno

just as you were about to talk to him about it, he announces he got a job at the bookstore down the street

‘huh? i thought you didnt want to work’

you question while he looked sheepish

‘i realized that i was starting to become a burden since you take care of me every time. so i thought i should quit and get a regular job. besides, it doesnt hurt as much’

he laughed but you didnt react

‘lee jeno, you gave up boxing and the money,,, for me?’

he nervously looked up at you and you noticed the redness of his cheeks

‘i-well-if you put it that way’

‘listen to me, im flattered and i truly love that you dont want to get beaten up anymore. but i dont want you to quit something you like because of me'

‘but you always take care of me and push your priorities away to clean me up. i dont do anything in return and i dont think its fair!’

he argued and a soft smile crept up your face

‘yah, lee jeno'

your voice became a whisper

‘it doesnt matter to me if you dont do anything in return bc i dont see this as a favor. you are mine to take care of and i will do anything for you, you understand that?’

he looked at you in shock after hearing your response

he also turned red at the mention of him being yours

‘so-but-i dont think-'

he stutters but you place your hands on his arms making him stop

‘all i ask is you to come back home, to come back to me'

by now, yall were blushing

even though it might not sound like it,

but yall just indirectly confessed to each other

yall stared at the ground and jeno looks up, biting his lip

‘hey, y/n, can i make it up to you with some coffee?’

your head darted up and looked at him with wide eyes

‘like-like a date?’

it came out suddenly and you stepped back in surprise, cursing yourself

but jeno chuckled, eyes scrunching cutely

‘it'll be one of many'

lmao i didnt really like this but i made it at 2 in the morning and i kinda like boxer!jeno

[rhetoricandlogic]

B&N SFF ORIGINALS

“If at First You Don’t Succeed, Try, Try Again,” by Zen Cho

/November 29, 2018 at 2:30 pm

Cover illustration and design by

Shirley Jackson

• Edited by Joel Cunningham

A hapless imugi is determined to attain the form of a full-fledged dragon and gain entry to the gates of heaven. For a long time, things don’t go well. Then, it meets a girl. The B&N Sci-Fi & Fantasy Blog presents an original short story by Campbell Award-nominated author Zen Cho.

You can also download this story for free to read on your Nook app or device.

If at First You Don’t Succeed, Try, Try Again By Zen Cho

The first thousand years.

It was time. Byam was as ready as it would ever be.

As a matter of fact, it had been ready to ascend some 300 years ago. But the laws of heaven cannot be defied. If you drop a stone, it will fall to the ground—it will not fly up to the sky. If you try to become a dragon before your thousandth birthday, you will fall flat on your face, and all the other spirits of the five elements will laugh at you.

These are the laws of heaven.

But Byam had been patient. Now it would be rewarded.

It slithered out of the lake it had occupied for the past 100 years. The western shore had recently been settled by humans, and the banks had become cluttered with humans’ usual mess – houses, cultivated fields, bits of pottery that poked Byam in the side.

But the eastern side was still reserved to beasts and spirits. There was plenty of space for an imugi to take off.

The mountains around the lake said hello to Byam. (It was always safer to be polite to an imugi, since you never knew when it might turn into a dragon.) The sky above them was a pure light blue, dotted with clouds like white jade.

Byam’s heart rose. It launched itself into the air, the sun warm on its back.

I deserve this. All those years studying in dank caves, chanting sutras, striving to understand the Way…

For the first half-millennium or so, Byam could be confident of finding the solitude necessary for study. But more recently, there seemed to be more and more humans everywhere.

Humans weren’t all bad. You couldn’t meditate your way through every doctrinal puzzle, and that was where monks proved useful. Of course, even the most enlightened monk was wont to be alarmed by the sudden appearance of a giant snake wanting to know what they thought of the Sage’s comments on water. Still, you could usually extract some guidance from them, once they stopped screaming.

But spending too much time near humans was risky. If one saw you during your ascension, that could ruin everything. Byam would have moved when the humans settled by the lake, if not for the ample supply of cows and pigs and goats in the area. (Byam had grown tired of seafood.)

It wasn’t always good to have such abundance close to hand, though. Byam had been studying extra hard for the past decade in preparation for its ascension. Just last month, it had been startled from a marathon meditation session by an enormous growl.

Byam had looked around wildly. For a moment it thought it had been set upon, maybe by a wicked imugi—the kind so embittered by failure it pretended not to care about the Way, or the cintamani, or even becoming a dragon. But there was no one around, only a few fish beating a hasty retreat.

Then, another growl. It was coming from Byam’s own stomach. Byam recollected that it hadn’t eaten in about five years.

Some imugi fasted to increase their spiritual powers. But when Byam tried to get back to meditating, it didn’t work. Its stomach kept making weird gurgling noises. All the fish had been scared off, so Byam popped out of the water, looking for a snack.

A herd of cows was grazing by the bank, as though they were waiting for Byam.

It only intended to eat one cow. It wanted to keep sharp for its ascension. Dragons probably didn’t eat much. All the dragons Byam had ever seen were svelte, with perfect scales, shining talons, silky beards.

Unfortunately Byam wasn’t a dragon yet. It was hungry, and the cows smelled so good. Byam had one, and then another, and then a third, telling itself each time that this cow would be the last. Before it knew it, almost the whole herd was gone.

Byam cringed remembering this, but then put the memory away. Today was the day that would change everything. After today, Byam would be transformed. It would have a wish-fulfilling gem of its own—the glorious cintamani, which manifested all desires, cured afflictions, purified souls and water alike.

So high up, the air was thin, and Byam had to work harder to keep afloat. The clouds brushed its face damply. And—Byam’s heart beat faster—wasn’t that winking light ahead the glitter of a jewel?

Byam turned for its last look at the earth as an imugi. The lake shone in the sun. It had been cold, and miserable, and lonely, full of venomous water snakes that bit Byam’s tail. Byam had been dying to get away from it.

But now, it felt a swell of affection. When it returned as a dragon, it would bless the lake. Fish would overflow its banks. The cows and pigs and goats would multiply beyond counting. The crops would spring out of the earth in their multitudes…

A thin screechy noise was coming from the lake. When Byam squinted, it saw a group of little creatures on the western bank. Humans.

One of them was shaking a fist at the sky. “Fuck you, imugi!”

“Oh shit,” said Byam.

“Yeah, I see you! You think you got away with it? Well, you thought wrong!”

Byam lunged upwards, but it was too late. Gravity set its teeth in its tail and tugged.

It wasn’t just one human shouting, it was all of them. A chorus of insults rose on the wind:

“Worm! Legless centipede! Son of a bitch! You look like fermented soybeans and you smell even worse!”

Byam strained every muscle, fighting the pull of the earth. If only it had hawk’s claws to grasp the clouds with, or stag’s antlers to pierce the sky…

But Byam wasn’t a dragon yet.

The last thing it heard as it plunged through the freezing waters of the lake was a human voice shrieking:

“Serves you right for eating our cows!”

The second thousand years

If you wanted to be a dragon, dumb perseverance wasn’t enough. You had to have a strategy.

Humans had proliferated, so Byam retreated to the ocean. It was harder to get texts in the sea, but technically you didn’t need texts to study the Way, since it was inherent in the order of all things. (Anyway, sometimes you could steal scriptures off a turtle on a pilgrimage, or go onshore to ransack a monastery.)

But you had to get out of the water in order to ascend. It was impossible to exclude the possibility of being seen by humans, even in the middle of the ocean. It didn’t seem to bother them that they couldn’t breathe underwater; they still launched themselves onto the waves on rickety assemblages of dismembered trees. It was as if they couldn’t wait to get on to their next lives.

That was fine. If Byam couldn’t depend on the absence of humans, it would use their presence to its advantage.

It was heaven’s will that Byam should have failed the last time; if heaven wasn’t ready to accept Byam, nothing could change that, no matter how diligently it studied or how much it longed to ascend.

As in all things, however, when it came to ascending, how you were seen mattered just as much as what you did. It hadn’t helped back then that the lake humans had named Byam for what it was: no dragon, but an imugi, a degraded being no better than the crawling beasts of the earth.

But if, as Byam flashed across the sky, a witness saw a dragon… that was another matter. Heaven wasn’t immune to the pressures of public perception. It would have to recognise Byam then.

The spirits of the wind and water were too hard to bluff; fish were too self-absorbed; and there was no hope of hoodwinking the sea dragons. But humans had bad eyesight, and a tendency to see things that weren’t there. Their capacity for self-deception was Byam’s best bet.

It chose a good point in the sky, high enough that it would have enough cloud matter to work with, but not so high that the humans wouldn’t be able to see it. Then it got to work.

It labored at night, using its head to push together masses of cloud and its tail to work the fine detail. Byam didn’t just want the design to look like a dragon. Byam wanted it to be beautiful—as beautiful as the dragon Byam was going to be.

Making the sculpture was harder than Byam expected. Cloud was an intransigent medium. Wisps kept drifting off when Byam wasn’t looking. It couldn’t get the horns straight, and the whiskers were wonky.

Sometimes Byam felt like giving up. How could it make a dragon when it didn’t even know how to be one?

To conquer self-doubt, it chanted the aphorisms of the wise:

Nobody becomes a dragon overnight.

Real dragons keep going.

A dragon is only an imugi that didn’t give up.

It took 100 years longer than Byam had anticipated before the cloud was finished.

It looked like a dragon, caught as it sped across the sky to its rightful place in the heavens. In moonlight it shone like mother of pearl. Under the sun it would glitter with all the colors of the rainbow.

As Byam put its final touches on the cloud, it felt both pride and a sense of anti-climax. Even loss. Soon Byam would ascend—and then what would happen to its creation? It would dissipate, or dissolve into rain, like any other cloud.

Byam managed to find a monk who knew about shipping routes and was willing to dish in exchange for not being eaten. And then it was ready. As dawn unfolded across the sky on an auspicious day, Byam took its position behind its dragon-cloud.

All it needed was a single human to look up and exclaim at what they saw. A fleet of merchant vessels was due to come this way. Among all those humans, there had to be one sailor with his eyes on the sky—a witness open to wonder, prepared to see a dragon rising to glory.

§

“Hey, captain,” said the lookout. “You see that?”

“What is it? A sail?”

“No.” The lookout squinted at the sky. “That cloud up there, look. The one with all the colors.”

“Oh wow!” said the captain. “Good spot! That’s something special, for sure. It’s a good omen!”

He clapped the lookout on the back, turning to the rest of the crew. “Great news, men! Heaven smiles upon us. Today is our day!”

Everyone was busy with preparations, but a dutiful cheer rose from the ship.

The lookout was still staring upwards.

“It’s an interesting shape,” he said thoughtfully. “Don’t you think it looks like a… ”

“Like what?” said the captain.

“Like, um… ” The look-out frowned, snapping his fingers. “What do you call them? Forget my own head next! It looks like a – it’s on the tip of my tongue. I’ve been at sea for too long. Like a, you know – ”

§

Byam couldn’t take it anymore.

“Dragon!” it wailed in agony.

An imugi has enormous lungs. Byam’s voice rolled across the sky like thunder, its breath scattering the clouds—and blowing its creation to shreds.

“Horse!” said the lookout triumphantly. “It looks like a horse!”

“No no no,” said Byam. It scrambled to reassemble its sculpture, but the cloud matter was already melting away upon the winds.

“Thunder from a clear sky!” said the captain. “Is that a good sign or a bad sign?”

The lookout frowned. “You’re too superstitious, captain – hey!” He perked up, snatching up a telescope. “Captain, there they are!”

Byam had been so focused on the first ship that it hadn’t seen the merchant fleet coming. Then it was too busy trying to salvage its dragon-cloud to pay attention to what was going on below.

It was distantly aware of fighting between the ships, of arrows flying, of the screams of sailors as they were struck down. But it was preoccupied by the enormity of what had happened to it—the loss of hundreds of years of steady, hopeful work.

It wasn’t too late. Byam could fix the cloud. Tomorrow it would try again—

“Ah,” said the pirate captain, looking up from the business of slaughter. “An imugi! It’s good luck after all. One last push, men! They can’t hold out for long!”

It would have been easier if Byam could tell itself the humans had sabotaged it out of spite. But it knew they hadn’t. As Byam tumbled out of the sky, it was the impartiality of their judgment that stung the most.

The third thousand years

Dragons enjoyed sharing advice about how they’d gotten where they were. They said it helped to visualise the success you desired.

“Envision yourself with those horns, those whiskers, three claws and a thumb, basking in the glow of your own cintamani,” urged the Dragon King of the East Sea in his popular memoir Sixty Thousand Records of a Floating Life. “Close your eyes. You are the master of the elements! A twitch of your whisker and the skies open. At your command, blessings – or vengeance – pour forth upon all creatures under heaven! Just imagine!”

When Byam was low at heart, it imagined.

It got fed up of the sea: turtles kept chasing it around, and whale song disrupted its sleep. It moved inland, and found a quiet cave where it could study the Way undisturbed. The cave didn’t smell great, but it meant Byam never had to go far for food, so long as it didn’t mind bat. (Byam came to mind bat.) Byam focused on the future.

This time, there would be no messing around with dragon-clouds. Byam had learned from its mistakes. There was no tricking heaven. This time it would present itself at the gates with its record of honest toil, and hope to be deemed worthy of admission.

It should have been nervous, but in fact it was calm as it prepared for what it hoped would be its final attempt. Certainty glowed in its stomach like a swallowed ember.

It had been a long time since Byam had left its cave, which it had chosen because it was up among the mountains, far from any human settlement. Still, Byam intended to minimise any chance of disaster. It was going to shoot straight for the skies, making sure it was exposed to the judgment of the world for as brief a time as possible.

But the brightness outside took it aback. Its eyes weren’t used to the sun’s glare anymore. When Byam raised its head, it got caught in a sort of horrible basket, full of whispering voices. A storm of ticklish green scraps whirled around it.

It reared back, hissing, before it recognised what had attacked it. Byam had forgotten about trees.

It leapt into the air, shaken. To have forgotten trees… Byam had not realised it had been so long.

Its unease faded as it rose ever higher. The crisp airs of heaven blew away disquiet. Ahead, the clouds glowed as though they reflected the light of the Way.

§

Leslie almost missed it.

She never usually did this kind of thing. She was indoorsy the way some people were outdoorsy, as attached to her sofa as others were to endorphins and bragging about their marathon times. She’d never thought of herself as someone who hiked.

But she hadn’t thought of herself as someone who’d fail her PhD, or get dumped by her boyfriend for her best friend. The past year had blown the bottom out of her ideas about herself.

She paused to drink some water and heave for breath. The view was spectacular. It seemed meaningless.

She was higher up than she’d thought. What if she took the wrong step? Would it hurt much to fall? Everyone would think it was an accident…

She shook herself, horrified. She wouldn’t do anything stupid, Leslie told herself. To distract herself, she took out her phone, but that proved a bad idea: this was the point at which she would have texted Jung-wook before.

She could take a selfie. That’s what people did when they went hiking, right? Posted proof they’d done it. She raised her phone, switching the camera to front-facing mode.

She saw a flash in the corner of the screen. It was sunlight glinting off scales.

Leslie’s mouth fell open. It wasn’t—it couldn’t be. She hadn’t even known they were found in America.

The camera went off. Leslie whirled around, but the sky was empty. It was nowhere to be seen.

But someone up there was looking out for Leslie after all, because when she looked back at her phone, she saw that she’d caught it. It was there. It had happened. There was Leslie, looking dopey with her red face and her hair a mess and her mouth half-open—and in the background, arced across the sky like a rainbow, was her miracle. Her own personal sign from heaven that things were going to be OK.

§

leshangry Nature is amazing! #imugi #이무기 #sighting #blessed #여행스타그램 #자연 #등산 #nature #hiking #wanderlust #gooutside #snakesofinstagram

The turning of the worm

“Dr. Han?” said the novice. “Yeah, her office is just through there.”

Sure enough, the name was inscribed on the door in the new script the humans used now: Dr Leslie Han. Byam’s nemesis.

Its most recent nemesis. If it had been only one offence, Byam wouldn’t even be here. It was the whole of Byam’s long miserable history with humans that had brought it to this point.

It made itself invisible and passed through the door.

The monk was sitting at a desk, frowning over a text. Byam was not good at distinguishing one human from another, but this particular human’s face was branded in its memory.

It felt a surge of relief.

Even with the supernatural powers accumulated in the course of three millennia of studying the Way, it had taken Byam a while to figure out how to shapeshift. The legs had been the most difficult part. Byam kept giving itself tiger feet, the kind dragons had.

It could have concealed the feet under its skirts, since no celestial fairy ever appeared in anything less than three layers of silk. But Byam wouldn’t have it. It was pathetic, this harking back to its stupid dreams. It had worked at the spell until the feet came right. If Byam wasn’t becoming a dragon, it would not lower itself to imitation. No part of it would bear any of the nine resemblances.

But there were consolations available to imugi who reconciled themselves to their fate. Like revenge.

The human was perhaps a little older than when Byam had last seen her. But she was still alive—alive enough to suffer when Byam devoured her.

Byam let its invisibility fall away. It spread its hands, the better to show off its magnificent sleeves.

It was the human’s job that had given Byam the idea. Leslie Han was an academic, which appeared to be a type of monk. Monks were the most relatable kind of human, for like imugi, they desired one thing most in life: to ascend to a higher plane of existence.

“Leslie,” crooned Byam in the dulcet tones of a celestial fairy. “How would you like to go to heaven?”

The monk screamed and fell out of her chair.

When nothing else happened, Byam floated over to the desk, peering down at the monk.

“What are you doing down there?” began Byam, but then the text the monk had been studying caught its eye.

“Oh my God, you’re – ” The monk rubbed her eyes. “I didn’t think celestial fairies descended anymore! Did you – were you offering to take me to heaven?”

Byam wasn’t listening. The monk had to repeat herself before it looked up from the book.

“This is a text on the Way,” said Byam. It looked around the monk’s office. There were rows and rows of books. Byam said slowly, “These are all about the Way.”

The monk looked puzzled. “No, they’re about astrophysics. I’m a researcher. I study the evolution of galaxies.”

Maybe Byam had been dumb enough to believe it might some day become a dragon, but it knew an exegesis of the Way when it saw one. There were hundreds of such books here—more commentaries than Byam had seen in one place in its entire lifetime.

It wasn’t going to repeat its mistakes. Ascension, transcendence, turning into a dragon—that wasn’t happening for Byam. Heaven had made that clear.

But you couldn’t study something for 3,000 years without becoming interested in it for its own sake.

“Tell me about your research,” said Byam.

“What you said just now,” said the monk. “Did you not – ”

Byam showed its teeth.

“My research!” said the monk. “Let me tell you about it.”

Byam had planned to eat the monk when she was done. But it turned out the evolution of galaxies was an extremely complicated matter. The monk had not explained even half of what Byam wanted to know by the time the moon rose.

The monk took out a glowing box and looked at it. “It’s so late!”

“Why did you stop?” said Byam.

“I need to sleep,” said the monk. She bent over the desk. Byam wondered if this was a good moment to eat her, but then the monk turned and held out a sheaf of paper.

“What is this?”

“Extra reading,” said the monk. “You can come back tomorrow if you’ve got questions. My office hours are 3 to 4 pm on Wednesdays and Thursdays.”

She paused, her eyes full of wonder. She was looking at Byam as though it was special.

“But you can come any time,” said the monk.

§

Byam did the reading. It went back again the next day. And the next.

It was easier to make sense of the texts with the monk’s help. Byam had never had anyone to talk to about the Way before. Its past visits with monks didn’t count—Leslie screamed much less than the others. She answered Byam’s questions as though she enjoyed them, whereas the others had always made it clear they couldn’t wait for Byam to leave.

“I like teaching,” she said, when Byam remarked upon this. “I’m surprised I’ve got anything to teach you, though. I’d’ve thought you’d know all this stuff already.”

“No,” said Byam. It looked down at the diagram Leslie was explaining for the third time. Byam still didn’t get it. But if there was one thing Byam was good at, it was trying again and again.

Well. That had been its greatest strength. Now, who knew?

“It’s OK,” said Leslie. “You know things I don’t.”

“Hm.” Byam wasn’t so sure.

Leslie touched its shoulder.

“It’s impressive,” she said. “That you’re so open to learning new things. If I were a celestial fairy, there’s no way I’d work so hard. I’d just lie around getting drunk and eating peaches all day.”

“You have a skewed image of the life of a celestial fairy,” said Byam.

But it did feel better. No one had ever called it hardworking before. It was a new experience, feeling validated. Byam found it liked it.

Studying with Leslie involved many new experiences. Leslie was a great proponent of what she called fresh air. She dragged Byam out of the office regularly so they could inhale as much of it as possible.

“But there’s air inside,” objected Byam.

“It’s not the same,” said Leslie. “Don’t you get a little stir-crazy when you haven’t seen the sun in a while?”

Byam remembered the shock of emerging from its cave for the first time in 800 years.

“Yes,” it admitted.

Leslie was particularly fond of hiking, which was like walking, only you did it up a hill. Byam enjoyed this. In the past 3,000 years it had seen more of the insides of mountains than their outsides, and it turned out the outsides were attractive at human eye-level.

The mountains were still polite to Byam, as though there were still a chance it might ever become a dragon. This hurt, but Byam squashed the feeling down. It had made its decision.

It was on one of their hikes that Leslie brought up the first time they met. They weren’t far off the peak when she stopped to look into the distance.

Byam hadn’t realised at first—things looked so different from human height—but it recognised the place before she spoke. Leslie was staring at the very mountain that had been Byam’s home for 800 years.

“It’s funny,” she said. “The last time I was here…”

Byam braced itself. I saw an imugi trying to ascend, she was going to say. It faceplanted on the side of a mountain, it was hilarious!

“I was standing here wishing I was dead,” said Leslie.

“What?”

“Not seriously,” said Leslie hastily. “I mean, I wouldn’t have done anything. I just wanted it to stop.”

“What did you want to stop?”

“Everything,” said Leslie. “I don’t know. I was young. I was having a hard time. It all felt too much to cope with.”

Humans lived for such a short time anyway, it had never occurred to Byam that they might want to hasten the end. “You don’t still…”

“Oh no. It was a while ago.” Leslie was still looking at Byam’s mountain. She smiled. “You know, I got a sign while I was up here.”

“A sign,” echoed Byam.

“It probably sounds stupid,” said Leslie. “But I saw an imugi. It made me think there might be hope. I started going to therapy. Finished my PhD. Things got better.”

“Good,” said Byam. It met Leslie’s eyes. She had never stopped looking at Byam as though it was special.

Leslie pressed her lips to Byam’s mouth.

Byam stayed still. It wasn’t sure what to do.

“Sorry. I’m sorry!” Leslie stepped back, looking panicked. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I thought maybe – of course we’re both women, but I thought maybe that didn’t matter to you guys. Or maybe you were even into – I was imagining things. This is so embarrassing. Oh God.”

Byam had questions. It picked just one to start with. “What were you doing? With the mouths, I mean.”

Leslie took a deep breath and blew it out. “Oh boy.” But the explanation proved to be straightforward.

“Oh, it was a mating overture,” said Byam.

“I – yeah, I guess you could put it that way,” said Leslie. “Listen, I’m sorry I even… I don’t want to have ruined everything. I care about you a lot, as a friend. Can we move on?”

“Yes,” Byam agreed. “Let’s try again.”

“Phew, I’m really glad you’re not – what?”

“I didn’t know what you were doing earlier,” explained Byam. “You should’ve said. But I’ll be better now I understand it.”

Leslie stared. Byam started to feel nervous.

“Do you not want to kiss?” it said.

“No,” said Leslie. “I mean, yes?”

She reached out tentatively. Byam squeezed her hand. It seemed to be the right thing to do, because Leslie smiled.

“OK,” she said.

§

After a while Byam moved into Leslie’s apartment. It had been spending the nights off the coast, but the waters by the city smelled of diesel and the noise from the ships made its sleep fitful. Leslie’s bed was a lot more comfortable than the watery deeps.

Living with her meant Byam had to be in celestial fairy form all the time, but it was used to it by now. At Leslie’s request, it turned down the heavenly glow.

“You don’t mind?” said Leslie. “Humans aren’t used to the halo.”

“Nah,” said Byam. “It’s not like I had the glow before.” It froze. “I mean… in heaven, everyone is illuminated, so you stop… noticing it?”

Fortunately, Leslie wasn’t listening. She had opened an envelope and was staring at the letter in dismay.

“He’s raising the rent again! Oh, you’re fucking kidding me.” She took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. “I need to get out of this city.”

“What is rent?” said Byam.

Which was how Byam ended up getting a job. Leslie tried to discourage it at first. Even once Byam wore her down and she admitted it would be helpful if Byam also paid “rent,” she seemed to think it was a problem that Byam was undocumented.

That was an explanation that took an extra long time. The magic to invent the necessary records was simple in comparison.

“‘Byam’,” said Leslie, studying its brand-new driver’s licence. “That’s an interesting choice.”

“It’s my name,” said Byam absently. It was busy magicking up an immunization history.

“That’s your name?” said Leslie. She touched the driver’s licence with reverent fingers. “Byam.”

She seemed unaccountably pleased. After a moment she said, “You never told me your name before.”

“Oh,” said Byam. Leslie was blushing. “You could have asked!”

Leslie shrugged. “I didn’t want to force it. I figured you’d tell me when you were ready.”

“It’s not because – I would’ve told you,” said Byam. “I just didn’t think of it. It’s not my real name.”

The light in Leslie’s face dimmed. “It’s not?”

“I mean, it’s the name I have,” said Byam. It should never have set off down this path. How was it going to explain about dragon-names—the noble, elegant styles, full of meaning and wit, conferred on dragons upon their ascension? Leslie didn’t even know Byam was an imugi. She thought Byam had already been admitted to the gates of heaven.

“I’m only a low-level attendant,” it said finally. “When I get promoted, I’ll be given a real name. One with a good meaning. Like ‘Establish Virtue,’ or ‘Jade Peak,’ or ‘Sunlit Cloud.’”

“Oh,” said Leslie. “I didn’t know you were working towards a promotion.” She hesitated. “When do you think you’ll get promoted?”

“In 10,000 years’ time,” said Byam. “Maybe.”

This was a personal joke. Leslie wasn’t meant to get it, and she did not. She only gave Byam a thoughtful look. She dropped a kiss on its forehead, just above its left eyebrow.

“I like ‘Byam,’” she said. “It suits you.”

§

They moved out of the city to the outskirts, where the rent was cheaper and they could have more space. Leslie got a cat, which avoided Byam but eventually stopped hissing at its approach. Leslie went running on the beach in the mornings while Byam swam.

She introduced Byam to those of her family who didn’t object to the fact that Byam appeared to be a woman. These did not include Leslie’s parents, but there was a sister named Jean, and a niece, Eun-hye, whom Byam taught physics.

Tutoring young humans in physics was Byam’s first job, but sometimes it forgot itself and taught students the Way, which was not helpful for exams. After a narrowly averted disaster with the bathroom in their new apartment, Byam took a plumbing course.

It turned out Byam was good at working with pipes—better, perhaps, than it had ever been at understanding the Way.

At night, Byam still dreamt of the past. Or rather, it dreamt of the future—the future as Byam had envisioned it, once upon a time. They were impossible, ecstatic dreams—dreams of scything through the clouds, raindrops clinging to its beard; dreams of chasing the cintamani through the sea, its whiskers floating on a warm current.

When Byam woke up, its face wet with salt-water, Leslie was always there.

§

Byam got home one night and knew something was wrong. It could tell from the shape of Leslie’s back. When she realised it was there, she raised her head, wiping her face and trying to smile.

“What happened?” said Byam.

“I’ve been – ” The words got stuck. Leslie cleared her throat. “I didn’t get tenure.”

Byam had learned enough about Leslie’s job by now to understand what this meant. Not getting tenure was worse than falling when you were almost at the gates of heaven. It sat down, appalled.

“Would you like me to eat the committee for you?” it suggested.

Leslie laughed. “No.” The syllable came out on a sob. She rubbed her eyes. “Thanks, baby, but that wouldn’t help.”

“What would help?”

“Nothing,” said Leslie. Then, in a wobbly voice, “A hug.”

Byam put its arms around Leslie, but it seemed poor comfort for the ruin of all her hopes. It felt Leslie underestimated the consolation she was likely to derive from the wholesale destruction of her enemies. But this was not the time to argue.

Byam remembered the roaring in its ears as it fell, the shock of meeting the ground.

“Sometimes,” it said, “you try really hard and it’s not enough. You put in all you’ve got and you still never get where you thought you were meant to be. But at least you tried. Some people never try. They resign themselves to bamboozling monks and devouring maidens for all eternity.”

“Doesn’t sound like a bad life,” said Leslie, with another of those ragged laughs. But she kissed Byam’s shoulder, to show that she didn’t think the life of a wicked imugi had any real appeal.

After Leslie cried some more, she said, “Is it worth it? The trying, I mean.”

Byam had to be honest. The only thing that could have made falling worse was if someone had tried to convince Byam it hadn’t sucked.

“I don’t know,” it said.

It could see the night sky through the windows. Usually the lights and pollution of the city blanked out the sky, but tonight there was a single star shining, like the cintamani did sometimes in Byam’s dreams.

“Maybe,” said Byam.

Leslie said, “Why aren’t you trying to become a dragon?”

Byam froze. “What?”

Leslie wriggled out of its arms and turned to face it. “Tell me you’re still working towards it and I’ll shut up.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Byam, terrified. “I’m a celestial fairy. What do dragons have to do with anything? They are far too noble and important to have anything to say to a lowly spirit like me –”

“Byam, I know you’re not a celestial fairy.”

“No, I am, I – ” But Byam swallowed its denials at the look on Leslie’s face. “What gave it away?”

“I don’t know much about celestial fairies,” said Leslie. “But I’m pretty sure they don’t talk about eating senior professors.”

Byam gave her a look of reproach. “I was trying to be helpful!”

“It wasn’t just that…”

“Have you told Jean and Eun-hye?” Byam bethought itself of the other creature that was important in their lives. “Did you tell the cat? Is that why it doesn’t like me?”

“I’ve told you, I can’t actually talk to the cat,” said Leslie. (Which was a blatant lie, because she did it all the time, though it was true they had strange conversations, generally at cross-purposes.) “I haven’t told anyone. But I couldn’t live with you for years and not know, Byam. I’m not completely stupid. I was hoping you’d eventually be comfortable enough to tell me yourself.”

Byam’s palms were damp. “Tell you what? ‘Oh yeah, Les, I should’ve mentioned, I’m not an exquisite fairy descended from heaven like you always thought. Actually I’m one of the eternal losers of the unseen world. Hope that’s OK!'”

“Hey, forgive me for trying to be sensitive!” snapped Leslie. “I don’t care what you are, Byam. I know who you are. That’s all that matters to me.”

“Who I am?” said Byam. It was like a rock had lodged inside its throat. It was hard to speak past it. “An imugi, you mean. An earthworm with a dream.”

“An imugi changed my life,” said Leslie. “Don’t talk them down.”

Though it was incredible, it seemed it was true she didn’t mind, and wasn’t about to dump Byam for being the embodiment of pathetic failure.

“I just wish you’d trusted me,” she said.

Her eyes were tender, and worried, and red. They reminded Byam that it was Leslie who had just come crashing down to earth.

Byam clasped its hands to keep them from shaking. It took a deep breath. “I’m not a very good girlfriend.”

Leslie understood what it was trying to say. She put her arm around Byam.

“Sometimes,” she said. “Mostly you do OK.”

“I wasn’t good at being an imugi either,” said Byam. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It wasn’t like the name. This, I didn’t want you to know.”

“Why not?”

“If you’re an imugi, everyone knows you’ve failed,” explained Byam. “It’s like wearing a sign all the time saying ‘I’ve been denied tenure.'”

This proved a bad comparison to make. Leslie winced.

“Sorry,” said Byam. It paused. “It hurts. Knowing it wasn’t enough, even when you gave it the best of yourself. But you get over it.”

You get used to being a failure. It was too early to tell her that. Maybe Leslie would be lucky. Maybe she’d never have the chance to get used to it.

Leslie looked like she was thinking of saying something, but she changed her mind. She squeezed Byam’s knee.

“I’m thinking of going into industry,” said Leslie.

Byam had no idea what she meant.

“You would be great at that,” it said, meaning it.

§

It turned out Byam was right: Leslie was great at working in industry, and her success meant they could move into a bigger place, near Leslie’s sister. This worked out well—after Jean’s divorce, they helped out with Eun-hye, who perplexed Byam by declaring it her favourite aunt.

A mere 10 years after Leslie had been denied tenure, she was saying it had been a blessing in disguise: “I would never have known there was a world outside academia.”

They had stopped talking about dragons by then. Leslie had gotten over her fixation with them.

“I’m fixated?” she’d said. “You’re the one who worked for thousands of years – ”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Byam had said. When this didn’t work, it simply started vanishing whenever Leslie brought it up. Eventually, she stopped bringing it up.

Over time, she seemed to forget what Byam really was. Even Byam started to forget. When Leslie found her first white hair, Byam grew a few too, to make her feel better. Wrinkles were more challenging; it could never seem to get quite the right number. (“You look like a sage,” said Leslie, when she was done laughing at its first attempt. “I’m only 48!”)

Byam’s former life receded into insignificance, the thwarted yearning of its earlier days nearly effaced.

The years went by quickly.

§

Leslie didn’t talk much these days. It tired her, as everything tired her. She spent most of her time asleep, the rest looking out of the window. She didn’t often tell Byam what was going through her head.

So it was a surprise when she said, without precursor:

“Why does the yeouiju matter so much?”

It took a moment before Byam understood what she was talking about. It hadn’t thought of the cintamani in years. But then the surge of bitterness and longing was as fresh as ever, even in the midst of its grief.

“It’s in the name, isn’t it?” said Byam. “’The jewel that grants all wishes.’”

“Do you have a lot of wishes that need granting?”

Byam could think of some, but to tell Leslie about them would only distress her. It wasn’t like Leslie wanted to die.

Before, Byam had always thought that humans must be used to dying, since they did it all the time. But now it had got to know them better, it saw they had no idea how to deal with it.

This was unfortunate, because Byam didn’t know either.

“I guess I just always imagined I’d have one some day,” it said. It tried to remember what it had felt like before it had given up on becoming a dragon and acquiring its own cintamani. “It was like… if I didn’t have that hope, life would have no meaning.”

Leslie nodded. She was still gazing out of the window. “You should try again.”

“Let’s not worry about it now – ”

“You have thousands of years,” said Leslie. “You shouldn’t just give up.” She looked Byam in the eye. “Don’t you still want to be a dragon?”

Byam would have liked to say no. It was unfair of Leslie to awaken all these dormant feelings in it at a time when it already had too many feelings to contend with.

“Eun-hye should be here soon,” it said. Leslie’s niece was almost the same age Leslie had been when Byam had first come to her office with murder in its heart. Eun-hye had a child herself now, which still seemed implausible to Byam. “She’s bringing Sam, won’t that be nice?”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m an old person,” said Leslie, annoyed. “I’m dying, not decrepit. Come on, Byam. I thought repression was a human thing.”

“That shows how much you know,” said Byam. “When you’ve been a failure for 3,000 years, you get good at repressing things!”

“I’m just saying –”

“I don’t know why you’re – ” Byam scrubbed its face. “Am I not good enough as I am?”

“Of course you’re good enough,” said Leslie. “If you’re happy, then that’s fine. But you should know you can be anything you want to be. That’s all. I don’t want you to let fear hold you back.”

Byam was silent.

Leslie said, “I only want to know you’ll be OK after I’m dead.”

“I wish you’d stop saying that,” said Byam.

“I know.”

“I don’t want you to die.”

“I know.”

Byam laid its head on the bed. If it closed its eyes it could almost pretend they were home, with the cat snoozing on Leslie’s feet.

After a while it said, without opening its eyes, “What’s your next form going to be?”

“I don’t know,” said Leslie. “We don’t get told in advance.” She grinned. “Maybe I’ll be an imugi.”

“Don’t say such things,” said Byam, aghast. “You haven’t been that bad!”

This made Leslie laugh, which made her cough, so Byam called the nurse, and then Eun-hye came with her little boy, so there was no more talk of dragons, or cintamani, or reversing a pragmatic surrender to the inevitable.

That night the old dreams started again—the ones where Byam was a dragon. But they were a relief compared to the dreams it had been having lately.

It didn’t mention them to Leslie. She would only say, “I told you so.”

§

For a long moment after Byam woke, it was confused. The cintamani still hung in the air before it. Then it blinked and the orb revealed itself to be a lamp by the hospital bed.

Leslie was awake, her eyes on Byam. “Hey.”

Byam wiped the drool from its cheek, sitting up. “Do you want anything? Water, or – ”

“No,” said Leslie. Her voice was thin, a mere thread of sound. “I was just watching you sleep like a creeper.”

But then she paused. “There is something, actually.”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to.”

“If there’s anything I can give you,” said Byam, “you’ll get it.”

Still Leslie hesitated.

“Could I see you?” she said finally. “In your true form, I mean.”

There was a brief silence. Leslie said, “If you don’t want to…”

“No, it’s fine,” said Byam. “Are you sure you won’t be scared?”

Leslie nodded. “It’ll still be you.”

Byam looked around the room. There wasn’t enough space for its real form, so it would have to make more space. But that was a simple magic.

It hadn’t expected the sense of relief as it expanded into itself. It was as though for several decades it had been wearing shoes a size too small and had finally been allowed to take them off.

Leslie’s eyes were wide.

“Are you OK?” said Byam.

“Yes,” said Leslie, but she raised her hands to her face. Byam panicked, but before it could transform again, Leslie rubbed her eyes and said, “Don’t change back! I haven’t looked properly yet.”

Her eyes were wet. She studied Byam as though she was trying to imprint the sight onto her memory.

“I’d look better with legs,” said Byam shyly. “And antlers. And a bumpy forehead…”

“You’re beautiful.” Leslie touched Byam’s side. Her hand was warm. “It was you, wasn’t it? That day in the mountains.”

Byam shrank. It said, its heart in its mouth, “You knew?”

“I’ve known for a while.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Guess I was waiting for you to tell me.” Leslie gave Byam a half-smile. “You know me, I hate confrontation. Anything to avoid a fight.”

“I should have told you,” said Byam. “I wanted to, I just…” It had never been able to work out how to tell Leslie its original plan had been to devour her in an act of misdirected revenge.

Dumb, dumb, dumb. Byam could only blame itself for its failures.

“You should’ve told me.” But Leslie didn’t seem mad. Maybe she just didn’t have the energy for it anymore.

“I’m sorry,” said Byam. Leslie held out her hand and it slid closer, letting her run her hand over its scales. “How did you figure it out?”

Leslie shrugged. “It made sense. You were always there when I needed you.” She patted Byam gently. “Can I ask for one more thing?”

“Anything,” said Byam. It felt soft and sad, bursting at the seams with melancholy love.

“Promise me you won’t give up,” said Leslie. “Promise me you’ll keep trying.”

It was like going in for a kiss and getting slapped in the face. Byam went stiff, staring at Leslie in outrage. “That’s fighting dirty!”

“You said anything.”

Byam ducked its head, but it couldn’t see any way out.

“I couldn’t take it,” it said miserably, “not now, not after… I’m not brave enough to fail again.”

Leslie’s eyes were pitiless.

“I know you are,” she said.

One last time

They scattered Leslie’s ashes on the mountain where she had first seen Byam, which would have felt narcissistic if it hadn’t been Leslie’s own idea. When they were done, Byam said it wanted a moment alone.

No, it was all right, Eun-hye should stay with her mother. Byam was just going round the corner. It wanted to look at the landscape Leslie had loved.

Alone, it took off its clothes, folding them neatly and putting them on a stone. It shrugged off the constriction of the spell that had bound it for years.

It was like taking a deep breath of fresh air after coming up from the subway. For the first time Byam felt a rush of affection for its incomplete self—legless, hornless, orbless as it was. It had done the best it could.

Ascending was familiar, yet strange. Before, Byam had always striven to break free from the bonds of earth.

This time it was different. Byam seemed to be bringing the earth with it as it rose to meet the sky. Its grief did not fall away—it was closer than ever, a cheek laid against Byam’s own.

Everything was much simpler than Byam had thought. Heaven and earth were not so far apart, after all –

“Look, Sam,” said Eun-hye. She held her son up, pointing. “There’s an imugi going to heaven! Wow!”

The child’s small frowning face turned to the sky. Gravity dug its claws into Byam.

It was fruitless to resist. Still, Byam thrashed wildly, hurling itself upwards. Fighting the battle of its life, as though it had any chance of winning.

Leslie had believed in Byam. It had promised to be brave.

“Wow, it’s so pretty!” continued Eun-hye’s voice, much loved and incredibly unwelcome. “Your imo halmeoni loved imugi.”

Sam was young, but he already had very definite opinions.

“No,” he said distinctly.

“It’s good luck to see an imugi,” said Eun-hye. “Look, the imugi’s dancing!”

“No!” said Sam, in the weary tone he adopted when adults were being especially dense. “Not imugi. It’s a dragon.”

For the first time in Byam’s inglorious career, gravity surrendered. The resistance vanished abruptly. Byam bounced into the clouds like an arrow loosed from the bow.

“No, ippeuni,” Eun-hye was explaining. “Dragons are different. Dragons have horns like a cow, and legs and claws, and long beards like Santa…”

“Got horns,” said Sam.

Byam barely noticed the antlers, or the whiskers unfurling from its face, or the legs popping out along its body, each foot adorned with four gold-tipped claws.

Because there it was—the cintamani of its dreams, a matchless pearl falling through five-coloured clouds. It was like meeting a beloved friend in a crowd of strangers.

Byam rushed toward it, its legs (it had legs!) extended to catch the orb. It still half-believed it was going to miss, and that the whole thing would come crashing down around its ears, a ridiculous daydream after all.

But the cintamani dropped right in its paw. It was lit from the inside, slightly warm to the touch. It was perfect.

Byam only realised it was shedding tears when the clouds started weeping along. It must have looked strange from the ground, the storm descending suddenly out of a clear blue sky.

Eun-hye shrieked, covering Sam’s head. “We’ve got to find Byam imo!”

“It’s getting heavy,” said Jean. “The baby’ll get wet. Get Nathan to bring the car round. I’ll look for her.”

“No, I will.”

“I’ve got an umbrella!”

They were still fighting, far beneath Byam, as the palaces of heaven rose before it. Ranks of celestial fairies stood by the gate, waiting to welcome it.

They had waited thousands of years. They could wait a little longer. Byam turned back, thinking to stop the storm. Anything to avoid a fight.

But the rain was thinning already. Through the clouds, Byam could see the child leaning out of his mother’s arms, thwarting her attempts to keep him dry. He held his hands out to the rain, laughing.

With thanks to Miri Kim, Hana Lee, Perrin Lu, Kara Lee and Rachel Monte.

If at First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try Again

[survivoraqualand]

EPISODE 4: Bring On The Chaos

Oh boy, this was a big one.

Immediately after Sea Council, the castaways were given their next reward challenge - a mythological Wikipedia race which Rose and Linden would eventually win - along with a TEAM SWAP ANNOUNCEMENT! Everyone was added to a joint chat, at which point they could speak with anyone in the game until the teams were divided via a schoolyard pick, with the team captains chosen by MJ because he intercepted a signal from the watchtower shortly beforehand. The choices were made very quickly, and our new teams were [MJ, Logan, Jenna, Marg, Rose, Alyx and Zoe] on New Proteus versus [Jessica, Katie, Linden, Rhea, Jessie, Linus, and Allyn] on New Ceto, picked in that order.

A few hours into getting settled onto these new teams, Logan decided to mosey down to Submere 3 and let out Proteus’ monster. He was warned that this would be made public to the team yet still proceeded anyway... and was rewarded with a hidden immunity idol but punished by sending his team automatically to Sea Council. He was told this decision would be posted after the immunity challenge.

Meanwhile on Ceto, Katie made the same choice just a few hours later - which meant she also got an idol, and also sent Ceto to Sea Council, thus triggering a Double Sea Council round where only one was originally planned. 

To make this all the more delicious, this round’s immunity was a temptations challenge, in which each player had to decide whether to follow the instructions of Persnickety Pete to give up powers in the game in order to win points and keep their team safe. (Contrary to Katie’s speculations within her alliance chat, this was in fact the original planned challenge for this round, not specially chosen because of the monsters.) With about half of each team having been informed about the automatic Council, most players did not give much up, although Rose went almost all in on Proteus and Linden went rather OTT on Ceto firmly believing that everyone else was going to take all the temptations alongside her.

After the reveal of the monsters’ double release, almost everyone in the game was exiled from the team chats and unable to communicate with each other for 5 hours, as for some reason this was the one temptation everyone wanted. After the time-out was up, however, plans began quickly coming together on both sides to shift votes onto the outliers, which meant Alyx/Rose on Proteus and Linus/Jessie on Ceto. For the latter, there didn’t seem to be much to do besides campaign against one another at the mercy of the majority vote; however, on Proteus, Alyx had a couple tricks up his sleeve. Thanks to a newly forged alliance with Logan & Marg as well as his discovery of a Sapphire Idol in suite 2D at the Hotel, the idoled-up threesome were able to concoct a plan to make sure the majority votes were split between Alyx and Rose, so that those two would be saved by the Sapphire Idol and could decide who went home with a minority vote.

Due to their poorer performance in the immunity challenge, Proteus went to Sea Council first, where Rose had an extra vote cast against her from Persnickety Pete, six out of seven players had their vote publicly revealed (good thing Marg kept theirs secret!), and Alyx went through with his plan to play his Sapphire Idol, sending Zoe home in a 4-3-1 turned 1-0-0 vote.

At Ceto’s Sea Council, things were a bit less spicy, but not by much. The votes ended up being incredibly close, with Jessie being sent to walk the plank in a 3-2-2 vote. 

LINDEN

Uhhhh it's super awkward when you definitely probably know who voted for you at Seat Council. Guess I know where I'll be voting next time maybe?

[HOST NOTE: It was Pat. The person who got voted out. There was one vote for Linden and the rest were for Pat.]

I love my new team! I'm ready to have more active teammates who will be more involved in things. I hope we can get along well and not have too many issues with old alliances and the sort. Or maybe we can and make it more dramatic!? Who knows!

RHEA

my life is in katies hands

also i have an idol lol but i seem to be like way worse at searching than like other people so like how many people have an idol?? whats the tea

JENNA

I'll do a quick written confessional rn. At surface level I'm happy with the swap. But I think I'd feel safer if I was with Katie. I'm soooo glad I'm with Logan, but I'm worried we're gonna be targeted. I know MJ could easily flip the team on us for being close. And Zoe would most likely follow. But Hopefully that won't happen. I would love to stick with MJ. I'm not sure where Logan stands with everything, so right now my closes people would be Katie, MJ, and probably Allyn. Logan is working with Marg and I don't mind trying to work with them, so I'm trying to talk to them a bit. Zoe still isn't super responsive so not sure where we stand, but as long as MJ doesn't decide to go against me and Logan it should be okay. I hope Katie is okay on the other team. I'm assuming Jess will work with her. Anyway, gonna see what Logan has found in the hotel later and prob share with MJ so he knows I'm not just gonna ditch him for Logan.

KATIE

Yay: Jess is here! Cries in the club: Jenna is gone.

MARG

i really am just having so much fun in my first ever org. my heart is full trying something new <3 lot's has changed since my last confessional. a swap happened!!! i am now on Proteus with MJ, Logan, Jenna, Rose, Alyx, and Zoe. i was a little nervous going into the swap just because i don't know anyone, but i'm actually feeling ok! both Alyx AND Logan found idols in the past 24 hours which is WILD. i feel great knowing that all three of us have something and i feel a sense of security knowing where stuff is. i'm not sure how many advantages Ari put into the game, but i feel like there shouldn't be many more idols than that?? 3 feels like a lot. ANYWAYS, literally all three of us from Ceto have idols, so i'm feeling ok right now! Alyx and Logan both only told me about their idols too, so i feel like i'm in a good spot between the two of them. i made an alliance chat for the three of us and i am trying to bring the two of them together. hopefully it works and we can figure something out whenever we go to sea council next!! i'm also trying to branch out and meet everyone from the original Proteus team. i really am loving meeting everyone and getting to know each other! i have talked to Jenna the most out of the people new to me. she's really easy to talk to, and i would love to work with her! i hope we can make it happen. i think it would be fun, and i'm here for fun!!! my biggest fear in this game is being delusional or not really understanding what is going on. i think i have some agency in the game and don't just follow people who have played in orgs a bunch??? i want to have a mind of my own and play to win. i think i'm doing that? i hope i'm doing that? i'm really just trying to focus on social bonds so that people want to work with me. gosh i just reread everything and i sound so optimistic. i'm ending this confessional before something bad happens. bye!

JESSICA

I know we have already lost this challenge because Katie let the monster out. Tempted to take an auto self vote so I can avoid the drama..... but I know people would find this SUSPICIOUS!

LINDEN

I really hope I can convince everyone to go along with the wild plan to take all the options. Allyn, Katie, and I have all said yes for sure in one on one chats! Linus and Jessica are both maybes and Jessie is also hesitant. Rhea is very busy with her mouth but I really think we should go for it!!! I just have to get everyone to trust one another for a brief moment.

JESSICA

The number of times I have googled "aquaman" while trying to visit this blog is astounding. Anyways... I love Linden that is it that is all that is the confessional. I saw this challenge (and the option to self vote??? Amazing) and I didn't take it because I was like oh no, Jessie and Linden need me and I can't risk them going home. I come back and Linden has said don't worry, I took every single thing because I think it's funny. I could never achieve this level of being iconic. 

I think what actually happened is Katie told everyone on her side we automatically are losing so none of them are going to take anything. That's fine by me honestly! If Linden is self-voting, I think I will make this go to rocks. But not just any rocks..... I think I'm gonna try and do this: - me, Jessie, Linus: vote Katie - Katie, Allyn, Rhea: vote me - Linden: is not voting at all Then if it ties, Katie and I are safe from rocks and everyone else does it. This seems really fun so I hope it works. However, I think Linus might mess up a plan like this so who knows what will happen. 

LINDEN

I TOOK ALL THESE DOWNSIDES FOR N O T H I N G /flips table

ROSE

i can't believe both monsters got out and i hope it was NOT intentional bc if it *was* logan has a LOT to answer for! this was very unexpected and i'm definitely a little worried about whether i gave too much up in this challenge. our team only got 18 points, which means that some of us did NOT make the sacrifices we all agreed upon

KATIE

Episode Title: She Did The Monster Mash 

I released the monster and I would do it again and again and again!!!!!! I found out Rhea has the missing mask and can mutiny after sea council... I had a plan to take said mask and jump to the other team to then release their monster, but no such luck because LOGAN LET IT GO!!!!!!!! 

I am also the holder of all pearl information and am excited to watch who unleashes the curse first-- its between Jess or Jenna... I don't really do reward challenges unless I get to draw a picture so I know I wont have enough hotel trips to figure out the curse myself so now I watch and wait. Someone has the f5 item from the vending machine and I am being CONSTANTLY LIED TO about who has it... thats my next goal 

I tried to tell my old team members not to give anything up but nobody listened and now I'm the only person not exiled and alone in the team chat. It's amazing~

JESSIE

BAM TEAM SWAP SCHOOL YARD PICK SHOOOK 

That's right. I was shook. I was also almost picked last which I don't know how to feel about. At least I ended up on the team I wanted to be on. Jessica, Linden and me are hoping we can snatch up Linus because apparently he was in the minority on the other team and Linus passed my vibe check so I am fine with that. Us Canadians must stick together ? Yeah that sounds good I kind of  like the sound of that lol. 

Anyways I did not take all the punishments for this round and no regrets because both teams lost. Katie let pancakes free of course Pancakes was going to cause some trouble. So we go to council tomorrow most people have punishments so I should be okay this round. The public vote? Not as scary as not getting a vote or getting an extra vote to your name. I can do damage control if need to. I just got to believe in myself. 

*insert some quote about hope and despair from danganronpa* 

I will also be staying up so I can start strategizing when we all get added back to the chat after this lovely chat exile break. Anyways at this point I will probably be voting Rhea due to lack of bonding but who knows what plans later tonight or tomorrow will bring? I sure don't know. But I am ready. Bring on the chaos <3

JENNA

So I actually meant to talk about something else in this confessional but I'm dumb and forgot about it so I'll type it out. Playing with Logan reminded me to chill out a little more and have more fun and not take everything too seriously. I remember this book I was reading where this team did something that would make them lose for sure but then they would learn from it, and if you're not willing to take risks and go outside of your comfort zone and fail then you're never going to grow as a person. You're not gonna win all the time because if you do you never actually learn all that you can and so I wanna have fun and cause chaos and not be afraid to lose because I'm growing and that's good! Life is a lot more fun if you're not focused on being the best and just having a good time with good people and taking steps in the right direction. Eventually you become the best anyway, so I'm really glad Logan helped put that in perspective. I'm still gonna try! But I wanna take more risks, like releasing that curse! Maybe the game will be harder but I'll be having fun on the way.

ALLYN

Team switch is actually going okay! I am still with Rhea and Linus who are my number 1 and 2, and Katie is being trustworthy at the moment so that is good.  I am also with Jessica, who I've been friends with for 6 years and I definitely want to align with her eventually (she's a beast in person and in Survivor), it's just I don't know why she doesn't want Jessie out.  I'm hoping telling her to go for Linus won't hurt us in the long run, because she is definitely a person I want to work with.  Katie is controlling and mean (sorry, just what I have witnessed) and she's good for our votes at the moment, but I definitely want her out soon.  She completely ignored my all my ideas and input on the rule making challenge, and it was just not very fun to work with her.  (Jenna has confirmed, wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy)  Linden is so sweet and I love her, (we are Bellingham buddies and I wish she still lived here) I just don't think the numbers are there for her to stay too much longer :( Pretty sure we're all good for Jessie to go tonight!

ZOE’S FINAL WORDS

nice meeting you all <3 lots of love, no hard feelings.

JESSIE’S FINAL WORDS

I had a lot of fun this season and I’m glad I played ! Good luck to everyone left :)

[qindaskurdi]

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Often people love the thrill of doing something fine for someone, and when you think about exactly what is nicer than having a beautiful and colorful array of fresh new flowers delivered to your door or even work place. Flowers seem to hold an almost magical quality and also if someone is having the most severe day, a flower basket will be sure to change that will. Imagine that you are having one particular days, where just absolutely nothing seems to go right, as well as a sudden there is a knock for the door. When you open the doorway you are greeted with a terrific flower basket? How is the fact that for an instant mood alter. Be the hero in a person’s life today and deliver them some flowers. Avoid worry about it breaking your financial allowance, just find some low-cost flowers online.

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Cheap flowers on-line is the way to go in order to save money while brightening somebody’s day. No more worries that you can not afford to send blooms.

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[ofsunshineandstorms-blog]

5/2/17

Today is a new day, today is a new week. I wanted to start writing about my day on my blog too, rather than just writing about what i feel on a daily basis. 

Today is the 5th of February, i woke up at 9:30am after successfully snoozing my alarm around 7 times. Woke up feeling meh(went to sleep feeling meh too but its all good! its a new day) Quickly texted him a good morning text aka a morning routine then i rushed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt for tennis at 10:30am. Jogged down to be greeted by a grumpy father but same old same old. Got a reply back from him a had a short and sweet conversation after what felt like forever since. Sad, i know. Pushed my way through tennis for an hour after not playing for approximately 3 weeks and boy, i haven’t felt this good in forever! 

Took a nice cold shower after being soaked into my own sweat then i jogged to my room and picked an outfit, I finally found an outfit after 15 minutes of rummaging through my closet and i picked my all time favourite white lace dress from H&M.

Had sum dim sum (lol) for lunch and boy, did i eat a lot! I had my favourite soup, A LOT of dim sum, salted egg buns, lotus pancake, roasted chicken and the ever so popular fried rice at Oriental Pearl Restaurant, Bukit Kiara Equestrian & Country Resort. IT WAS SOOOO GOOD GUYS I ATE SOOO MUCH!!!! (RIP all that hard work in tennis lol)

Then we continued the day by sending my brother off for a birthday party. As soon as he arrived, all his friends, mostly girls started chanting his name and i was shocked, really shocked. He seemed embarrassed and it was so cute! 

Visited some houses after to rent while we wait for our new home in Sg. Penchala to be built and that wasn’t fun, at all. We then went grocery shopping at our favourite grocer, Ben's Independent Grocer in Glo Damansara. I LOVE grocery shopping so much, you don’t even get it!

After grocery shopping, we went home and i was so happy to be home to rest but that didn’t go as planned, sadly. My grandmother dragged me to the Pasar Malam in Taman Tun to accompany her and of course i couldn’t say no to her. It was probably my second time going there in my whole life and i was shocked at what was present there! They sold fruits, vegetables, clothes, malay food, indian food, traditional malay kuih, indian kuih, corn on a cob and sooo much more! I ended up spending more money on giving the people who were begging for money along the street rather than spending on food, which im not complaining! At least i spent my money to good use rather than wasting it on food that i actually wouldnt eat since i was still full from lunch. 

As the sun has set, i changed into my pajamas and sorted out my makeup. Nothing exciting. Sat at the dinner table with my family and had a quick chat. Later on, i had a quick conversation with him and it felt so nice to just talk ya know? I miss him, a lot. I haven’t seen him in months and things are getting harder for the both of us, especially being 6000 miles away from each other but ill get to that on another post! 

My night ended as soon as i fell asleep while watching youtube videos, as always. Usually for the past 8 months or so, i fall asleep watching him do his work or just talking to him but he decided that we needed to be less clingy and dependent with each other which i didn’t disagree on. I hope that decision will make us stronger than we were before and it wont ruin us instead. I’ll have to get used to that and i need to stop being so comfortable with something because the only constant thing in life is change. 

Till my next ‘day in my life’ update! x

[roadswewalk]

T6T - my full reaction

Right I know this is super late (work project overload, apology posted preemptively), but here, finally, are my actual thoughts on second watch of T6T.  This is my first new episode since joining the fandom, so I really indulged.  This is like a live-blog meets rewatch review meets spaghetti meta.  Almost all of this is uninfluenced by others, since I missed the majority of what’s been written, but I’ve called out a few cases where popular opinion filtered through.  It probably goes without saying that to be able to write functionally about any of it, I have to make a baseline assumption that what I’m seeing has enough relationship to reality to be worth reacting to.  Doesn’t mean I believe that overall, but I’m not interested (not here, anyway) in playing mistake-lie-or-clue for every detail, so.  Grain of fish food.

Under the cut because LONG.

The hearing - uh oh.  Retcon technique crashes through the fourth wall into the fictional universe.  Or, I’m all up in ur fictional universe, redefining fiction.  Meta.  I get it: Don’t believe everything we’re about to show you, nor everything we’ve shown you before.  Or, at least, don’t take it too seriously.   And THAT is actually problematic

For starters, some of the people who abandoned ship last series complained that consequences aren’t real enough on this show.  For me, shooting Magnussen looks awfully gimmicky now that they’ve resolved it in this way; they'd never have got away with this if there hadn’t been a three-year hiatus.  Mycroft’s “oh Sherlock, what have you done?” is one of my favorite lines in the series.  Every.  Time.  Watery eyes to sobbing in 6 words.  It is utterly cheapened by not making the consequences real.  A little resistance, an impassioned appeal on the strength of Sherlock’s record of service - these would not have been out of place.  “My brother is a murderer”, sardonically, as the episode’s opening line should have been the first clue, I guess.

@ Sir Edwin shutting down the Moriarty discussion quickly and single-handedly: Has following TJLCers made me better at watching television, or was this disappointingly obvious?  @ Sherlock in this entire scene: I love it too, baby.

So the scene leaked via KBS dubbing was at the beginning, after all.  And completely not serious spoiler material, thanks for the slap on the wrist!

I like this tango they’re playing during the case montage!

Birth scene, :/  cliché.  Baby jokes - okay actually really cute.  Loving these boys with the baby, and apparently I could go for parentlock if it’s always just side-plots and comic relief.  John’s little flirtation - not so much, hope this is going somewhere plotty.  John’s backbend to ask about being godfather, though.  How flexible is that back, Dr. Watson?

Welsboroughs are pretty adorable.  Why does Mr. W. wear his ring on the pinky, though? - asked about this separately and never got a reply.  Mirror / magnifier next to Sherlock’s head - I guess this is Meaningful but it escapes me.

Noticing the Thatcher bust / pricking of my thumbs, a little difficult to accept.  But, “intuitions are not to be ignored” OKAY DADS.  A lot different from previously, though, with “dangerous to theorize without data“ etc.  “OCD - my respects”, lol.

Is Mr. Welsborough a John mirror here?  They’re wearing turquoise and defending Mrs. T’s existence together.  (Is this the same day that John goes home and texts E back?  He’s wearing the turquoise jumper?)  Wonder where Gatiss picked up this horrific story of Charlie’s death, I was in slight tears.  Relatedly (or not), Mycroft is GOLD in this episode.

On the established subject of the client-with-a-spy-wife being a John mirror: Note also, his line “I thought you’d done something clever.  But now you’ve explained it, it’s dead simple, inn’t it?” is directly from Watson on multiple occasions in ACD canon.  Also, at first I was like, “Why is Sherlock spending so much time impressing this man with his deductions?  He doesn’t know yet whether Lestrade (and arguably Hopkins) have brought him anything more interesting.“  Then I realized - he thinks John is sitting there watching him, apparently stunned into silence and charmed head-waving.  Awww. 

Lestrade saying “straße”, John saying “idée fixe”... it’s clearly Sherlock narrating.  Reliably or not, that is the question.  Sherlock noticing the scent of formaldehyde mixed with Lestrade’s usual cologne. <3 Sherstrade moment.  But why do people think Lestrade is going on a date with Hopkins?  He’s not? Sherlock said someone new from forensics; Hopkins is a DI working with Interpol.

“Slow, but sure, John.  Not dissimilar to yourself...  Well, I like you.”  I wasn’t sure I heard this right the first time!  Gratuitous compliments why.  John’s face does a nice journey after this but unfortunately Mary speaks right away.  Lovely on slo-mo.  “Having fun while I can” / “a noose for me to put my neck into” - awww, cheer up Sherlock, honey; you can’t die, you’re the star of the show.

When Craig first tells Sherlock the busts are from Tbilisi, he’s already looking up with his eyes doing their deduction dance.  The next scene implies it’s because of the Black Pearl of the Borgias case, but is it?  Lestrade’s reaction when Sherlock already knows the name of his victim - priceless.

Why does “luxury 1, 2 & 3 bed apartments” scroll across the screen when Sherlock is searching his phone about the pearl?  Graphics team: “well ads are unavoidable, it adds to the realism” lol what.  Man, it makes me a bit salty that they’re mentioning the blog so much even though we don’t get updates anymore, boo.

Sherlock: “They’re not destroying them, that’s not what’s happening.”  Lestrade: “Yes it is.”  Sherlock: “Well it *is* what’s happening but that’s not the point.  [Okay, thanks AGAIN, dads.]

Floor-to-ceiling Hokusai “Great Wave” print behind the pool - I am in lo<3!  Wearing leggings printed with Hokusai’s Phoenix as I type this and I just.  Guh.  That entire location is beautiful, thank you scouts!

All the ‘hand-waving” instead of proper switches in this house - again, I get it, thanks.

19:00 ... 22:00 flashing on screen.... so Sherlock waited 3 hours.  Am I supposed to get something from this?  (I hate not trusting anything I see on this show, nor my own ability to interpret art.  I take back one of those ‘thanks’, dads.)

Fight scene: gratuitous, fun, hard to accept.  Boys will be boys.  The people living in the house didn’t wake up?

 Why does Sherlock know what John said to forgive Mary?  Also, biggest mistake of the episode is right here, revealing he knows what that flash drive is and who had it.

The ambassador says she’s got something they would dearly love if they could get out - amo/ammo...  I’m still not sure how she fits in?  The flash drive is dangling around Ajay’s neck during the op?  So if the rescue goes wrong, AGRA are supposed to kill themselves, and what - hope the hostages are allowed to survive in captivity thereafter?

Lestrade knows about Mary’s past, seriously?  Once again the blog and the Internet fame make Sherlock & friends easy targets - though I don’t doubt Ajay could have found them easily enough without that.  Wow, shooting up the plaster bust studio must have been a good time ;)  Sherlock’s hidey-hole is... epic.  He even has a travel chemistry set and microwave (for the real experiments~), all that’s missing is a John Watson balloon, gods.  “That was quite a text you sent me” - what did it SAY?  At least he’s not giving her an easy time here. And is a different accent coming out?

“We were family.”  “Families fall out.”  [later, paraphrase] “I don’t know anything about them - happy families.”  Break my heart.  Sherlock, your mum and dad and big brother love you.  Don’t they?  Don’t they, Moftiss~?

Mary’s little smirk when Sherlock reminds her of his vow pretty much mirrors mine.  Like what can Sherlock Holmes do to protect her family better than a trained assassin?  (As we find out, nothing.)  The hubris here... it’s a huge part of what goes wrong in this episode, too.  Making the vow in the first pace was problematic and one of my least favorite things that Sherlock did, because it’s out-of-order, ridiculous, and impossible to maintain even before we knew anything about Mary and just.  Did anyone except Sherlock EVER believe that vow was worth something in reality, as opposed to some sad devotion he pledged to his best friend for wont of any more suitably dramatic exit from said friend’s wedding?  This brings me back to the awful angst-fest of a head-canon wherein Sherlock no longer places any value on his life alone, and he’s secretly longing for an excuse to start on a path that will secure his own death.  I’ve been there in depression and I’m not sure the writers realize they’re invoking it, nor that I trust them to handle it properly if they do.

Aw, PLEASE give us more of baby Holmes boys playing pirates.  Also, again, Mycroft <3.  But, Sherlock’s got a cracked rib here and he won’t go to John to get it wrapped.  “You don’t have many favors left” - apparently the only real consequence so far.  Mycroft: “What then?” - YES, THANK YOU, VOICE OF REASON!  “Not on my watch” - first from Mycroft, then from Sherlock.  But only Mycroft turns out to be able to back it up.  Score one for ice.

Why do the country names include U.S.S.R?  LMAO at Gatiss coming up with this sequence, like oh then she’ll grab a passport out of a rock in Norway, then how about a motorcycle in America?  I hope alcohol was involved, let everyone have fun with it.

She covers her head but shows her ankles?  Sherlock’s game with Karim, again, love.  It’s easy to forget why I love this show when I can’t follow the plot, but in the end, I do love it.  Sherlock’s little speech that he’s been preparing for ages to rattle off to Mary.  And then John walks in and wow, I can feel the smile slide off my face faster than Sherlock’s.  Definitely a hell of a lot faster than Mary’s!  It’s so awkward that Sherlock is there for the following conversation, especially the point he joins in, literl chills at the creep factor.  But - “couples are supposed to stay together and work things through” - as in, what John and Sherlock did while she was away?

And sorry to break in again here, but the “love” connection (lol) is tenuous enough.  Who would believe that an intelligence committee member would use a variation of her own code name as a sabotage code word?  Trying too hard to be clever, Mark, sorry.  Lady S under pressure is pretty hot, though.

Wow, John is so smooth when he’s being hit on.  Like the plot or no, really makes me want to try it, hehe.  Vampire... this screams foreshadowing but I won’t know of what until I see it, derp.

John’s bus number is 59 (159 return).  Another reference to that sonnet?

“How many more times?”  Lady S calling Mycroft on putting his brother before his other obligations.  Ouch.  When this dries up it’s going to be even more painful...  And, “you had better be right about this”, 'cept he wasn’t.  No wonder Sherlock is ready to die later.  There’s no pretty escape at this point.

“The curtain rises” - third time we’ve heard that.  He does love a touch of the dramatic.  Does it mean something else too?  The different text styles, poetry to one, usual demands to the other - I love it but i don’t know why.  Does it mean we won’t get poetry anymore from Sherlock?

Ballsy to film up in there.  I was expecting the aquarium walls to get shot up at some point.  Pity.  Well, maybe not.  Is this the entire shark analogy - “we’re like them, ghostly, living in the shadows, predators, we have to keep moving or we die”?  I guess the last one pretty well clinches it.  But it rubs up the wrong way to use the same symbol as for Magnussen, but for different reasons.

So she got involved for money, then she set up both sides of the rescue operation to get the ambassador assassinated to protect the fact that she was ever involved and hopefully make her exit?  Why didn’t she retire at that point?!

Hmm, does John call Mycroft or Lestrade from the cab?

So Sherlock going on about the wedding ring relocation here, when John is still wearing his ring on his left ring finger in the chess promo photo from TFP... I blogged some crack about it but now I’m wondering if it’s legit significant.  But anyway, Sherlock, shut up about single old ladies, alright.

Mystrade on screen together.  Maybe eye contact!  And Lestrade putting his brave on when Mrs. Norbury raises her gun.  Sherlock staring down the bullet like “I give in, I am yours” - not sure why people wondered at him not jumping out of the way, seems clear he’s ready and willing to die at this point, because he thinks it’s a solution to something.  Well, living on borrowed time, now, and with all favors called in, that’ll make for some good drama, can’t wait!

Wow, so, a woman has been on the edge of a dangerous lifestyle, but eventually she just wants a little peace.  A man with uncanny knowledge and mysterious connections to the government is on her trail.  She tries to confront him, but there are inconvenient witnesses.  Eventually she does fire her gun, but someone else gets shot, and it resolves nothing.  ...Am I describing Vivienne or Mary?

Pausing between Mary’s moment and John’s so I can appreciate the scene properly.  Oh god, I hate myself for this.   But really, Martin’s acting in TRF was perfect.  I know real primal grief is not pretty and that was probably very accurate, but I don’t come to television to see that much of reality.  You’re breaking our contract here a little by shocking me so much in a moment like this.  First watch, my tears dried right up.  This time I let them fall for awhile, and it was nice.  :/

They’re talking about proper portrayal of grief, but isn’t this transition to the anger stage a bit quick?  Mystrade and Sherlock facing off above the Watsons - this is very iconic-looking, though for the life of me I couldn’t say why Lestrade is there.  Hope it’s a backstory thing that we get to hear about later.  So many white men on this show, always coming out on top.  How can I adore them all?  Feel like I have to take a few punches out of my various identity cards for this weakness.

Roll call, who knew almost instantly that Ella was talking to Sherlock? How did you know?  I can’t decide what clued me in - I guess it was the camera angle, the transition from John to her on the same side of the frame?  By her second or third line it was obvious, but I swear I knew before that...

It just bugs me when Ella speaks in platitudes.  When my therapists weren’t as clever as me, they would do this.  It solves nothing.  Also I’m pretty sure she would have to recuse herself from Sherlock’s case if he mainly wants to talk about John, another client.  They’ve shown in THoB that they understand doctor-patient privilege, so, not sure what to make of this.

Mycroft at home is my severe kink.  Him with his lack of furniture in his kitchen, brolly has to lean against his case on the floor.  Still wearing his coat and waistcoat when he gets to the fridge (suits are cut much better this season, damn Mark), rubbing his sore neck, takeout menus, cuff links, pocket watch.

It’s hard to express the strength of my yearning to see inside Mycroft’s fridge.  Like I love that it’s mostly empty, but not seeing pitiful gaping immaculate interior is still one of the biggest disappointments of the episode, tbh.  And frankly that yearning extends a bit further, into slithering up behind and offering a neck rub territory.  People who read him as queer, are we talking zero exceptions?  Mind if I test that?   Antarctica, darling, give me a call.  That empty, listless feeling… I can help.  I hear you’re the Ice Man.  Well it may interest you to know that in certain circles, I’m known as the Ice Queen.  I realize you have incredible power and influence - probably enough to stop global warming.  Don’t do it, baby, I don’t care about that stuff.  I wanna melt with you.  (Heh, might send  that one to bbcsherlockpickuplines.)

13th in a post-it note, prompting a call to Sherrinford - at this point my money’s on drug rehab facility.  That Sherlock burns down.  Won’t that be fun.  And like season 2, I’m guessing this is setup for a plot arc that will be fully revealed in episode 3.  And that’s about the extent of my non-crack predictions for the next few episodes!

John’s balloon drooping off the table, oof.  “Work is the best antidote to sorrow” - like sorrow is poison, oh Sherlock, what would Ella say?  Not it’s not, it’s normal and it’s a thing you work through.  “Norbury” - she doesn’t know the details but she can see the significance, poor Hudders.

Mary making Moriarty jokes on the level of sensitivity that I often display (and which never fails to earn me zero notes)...   LOVE IT DON’T STOP BITCH!

“Nothing’s certain, nothing’s written” - the words that overlay John and Mary holding hands in that teaser of all teasers - a throw-away line picked up by marketers or a sign of things to come~?

“The danger was the fun part but you can’t outrun that.  You need to remember that so I’m giving you a case.”  What, retire to Sussex and stop putting John Watson in danger?  This is getting ‘danger’ously close to some of my crack theories for why a longer hiatus should follow.  MAYBE I’ll accept but only if they actually film us three episodes of retirementlock - with some quaint flashbacks or something - alright?

I’m glad Molly only says sorry the one time.  It’s not her apology to make.  Maybe best scene in the episode right here.  Reading the letter in the cab... brave.

Path locking around your feet, the demons under the street and the sharks in the river (sharks in a river?   really?), etc. - this seems to be confirmation that Sherlock is still awaiting his consequences; okay, good.  But “can Samarra be avoided?” - learned nothing, have you?  Or is it that your survival is necessary to save John Watson?

Go to Hell - not speculating, too little information.  I already know Sherlock’s going to Hell, that he takes John with him, and that they come back - my dad told me.

Summary things:

So live-Tweeting didn’t happen.  That was disappointing.  What is Joe Lidster’s new project, then?

I already knew the Samarra story really well from childhood and then a brief study in Arabic class once.  So the communication of it here felt really heavy handed.  Wish I hadn’t brushed up on it (thanks to NYT reviewer, I believe) beforehand.  I feel like Benedict’s retelling with the sharks would have been chill-inducing.

Contrasting with my complaint about weak consequences for the Magnussen incident, perhaps I’m supposed to take it that this episode was Mary’s consequences.  I wonder if we’ll see Sherlock’s consequences in episode 2 and John’s in episode 3 (or vice versa)?  Or, the ensembles (Hudders & co) in 2, and Sherlock & John’s in episode 3?  I know it’s a three-part story arc so I hope we’ll see something.  Sharks in the river, I’ll get my fishing pole!

Lastly, the “NO WAY” moment that the press reported - which even was it?

- Vivian "Ice Lolly” Norbury as the double agent?

- Mary jumping in?

- Sherlock at therapy?

I seriously couldn’t tell.  Again, does that me good at watching television, or bad?!