#but sometimes there is actually interesting and mildly relevant info in there

[iratusmus]

im a word of god hater btw its not canon unless its Present In The Text

[rudjedet]

Since corona makes all things relevant, were there any notably recorded plagues in ancient egypt?

Admittedly, for someone whose specialty is Egyptian medicine, I know very little about actual epidemics and trying to find any info on notably recorded ones without access to a fully-stocked Egyptological library was... a ride. 

There are many sources floating around online that claim the bubonic plague was present in Egypt during dynastic times. Specifically, during the end of the Second Intermediate Period, and in the reign of Amenhotep I. This is, however, a contested theory since we have not found any evidence of the bubonic plague in Egyptian mummies - either of the time or during any other dynastic period - when we would have expected to, and it honestly beats me why medical journals in the early 2000s still pushed this as fact. Then again, medical journals are just a tad notorious for being absolutely certain without just cause that they can diagnose back basically any disease described in the medical papyri (spoilers: they can’t).

We do know that Egyptians suffered malaria and tuberculosis, and both of those would very likely have had their own epidemics. I don’t believe any of these were recorded - not in the same way, say, a famine would have been, at least. 

There’s also a rather contested illness called the “Canaanite illness” or the “Asiatic illness”, named as it is after an Asiatic people, the Amu. If you’ve been reading along with my slow descent into Goedicke-caused madness the past few days, this is the same illness that Hans Goedicke was writing about back in the 1980s. Goedicke was, to put it mildly, a lunatic. He’s better than Breasted and Bryan in that he denies the Egyptian use of heka in medicine is superstition, but at the same time he does like to juxtapose it as something separate from “normal” Egyptian medical practice, which is of course bullshit, and really just a roundabout way of calling it superstition anyway. 

As said, the problem with defining the Canaanite illness as the bubonic plague, is the distinct lack of any mummies that show signs of this type of plague. If an infection with Yersinia Pestis led to the pneumonic plague, however, the situation is slightly different: pneumonic plague is often very quickly fatal and would not show in mummies. So, while a possibility that Yersinia Pestis was present in dynastic Egyptian times, we do not have unequivocal evidence - especially because the Canaanite illness is described as “charring the body with charcoal”, which is not one of the symptoms of either pneumonic or bubonic plague. It could, very potentially, refer to necrosis of the flesh caused by septicemic plague (the third main plague type caused by Yersinia Pestis), but again - that’s a lot of conjecture on my part and not something I think we have clear evidence for. 

Another option for the Canaanite disease is tularemia, or rabbit fever. I’m not particularly well-versed in this theory so I’m unsure of its merit, but I do know that diagnosing this illness, let alone proving it was an epidemic disease, is wrought with difficulties and troubled by a lack of evidence. Goedicke wants to believe that it’s an epidemic because it’s named after a people, which to be honest isn’t too far-fetched, but still quite an assumption.

One interesting aspect of this disease I would like to mention: for its cure, the god invoked is Seth. We’ve talked about Seth very sometimes being used for this purpose, but it’s quite a rare thing. It might indicate a certain level of severity of the disease. 

None of this actually answers your question, for which I’m sorry. I don’t believe the Egyptians were the kind of people to actually record their plagues and epidemics the same way they recorded famines, or their conquering of neighbouring lands. At the moment I’ll have to leave this, because after a week of searching I turned up nothing, and I don’t want to leave this hanging even more since you sent this all the way back in March (God, I am SO sorry, pregnancy and birth and fucking coronavirus all did a number on me). I’ll definitely keep looking and if something turns up, I’ll expand on this!

[terramythos]

TerraMythos’ 2020 Reading Challenge In Review - 8/10s!

See Master Post 

Here’s the 8/10s! This is basically the mid-level “stuff I liked” rating. 

1. How Long ‘Til Black Future Month? by N. K. Jemisin (Full Review Here)

The 8/10 on this is a little misleading, as it’s an average score among 22 stories. Anthologies are basically never going to be my highest-rated works because to me short fiction is hit-or-miss. As you can tell from my actual write-up, there are a lot of great stories here; Jemisin is just a fantastic writer. The Trojan Girl, Valedictorian, The Evaluators, The Narcomancer, and Too Many Yesterdays/Not Enough Tomorrows all live in my head rent-free. There’s just some that also didn’t click with me. 

2. All Systems Red (The Murderbot Diaries #1) by Martha Wells (Full Review Here) 

If you peeked at the 9 and 10 lists you know I loved this series, lol. This one ranked a little lower than the others because it’s super short! Just as I started getting attached to Murderbot and interested in the world, the book ended. It was a good hook to get me further into the series but hard to rank on its own. The other novellas ranked higher since I was more familiar with Murderbot by then.  I’m very glad I stuck with it and kept reading! 

3. City of Saints and Madmen (Ambergris #1) by Jeff VanderMeer (Full Review Here) 

This is the first book in the pseudo-trilogy that is the Ambergris series. It’s basically a short story collection, and boy is it weird! There’s clearly something wrong with Ambergris as a city, and it’s hard to parse fact from fiction when the stories intentionally contradict each other or obfuscate information. There’s a ton of hints that don’t pay off until Finch, which is totally bonkers. Anyway, I really liked the horror/historical stories (yes those are basically the same when it comes to Ambergris) -- The Hoegbotton Guide to the Early History of Ambergris, The Transformation of Martin Lake, King Squid, and my personal favorite The Cage. The other stories just ranged from mildly interesting to meh. 

4. Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz (Full Review Here)

I can totally see why this is a classic in LGBT YA fiction. The writing and love story are both fantastic. As someone perpetually closeted in real life, the struggle of Ari realizing he’s in love with his best friend hits close to home, and is clearly drawn from the author’s own relationship with his sexuality. I really like that both of the leads’ families are integral to the story, and while Ari’s personal arc is a family conflict, it’s refreshingly not due to the LGBT stuff. This book would be an easy 10/10 but something happened near the middle that totally killed the pace for me. Thankfully it does get better in the last third or so. 

5. The Siren Depths (The Books of the Raksura #3) by Martha Wells (Full Review Here) 

This book is probably my favorite in the original trilogy; I like the reveal of Moon’s past and the complicated emotions associated with that. The Fell are genuinely creepy villains played to their full potential as well. The Siren Depths also introduces two of my favorite characters, Malachite and Shade. It’s got the emotions! It’s got the action! It’s got the kinda-horror! The main thing that dragged down the score is the ending, which felt rushed and tied up way too quickly. 

6. The Cloud Roads (The Books of the Raksura #1) by Martha Wells (Full Review Here) 

As an introduction to the Raksura series, I really liked this book! There’s a sense of this huge setting with lots of interesting worldbuilding and development. I’ve said it a lot, but I like that it’s a fantasy setting with zero humans or recognizable fantasy races. It’s also super cool to have the main characters able to shapeshift and fly! Moon learning about the Raksura and their culture feels natural because he’s an outsider. I also like his arc; how he mistrusts/allies with the Raksura for convenience, then gradually finds his place among them. At this point in the series the Fell weren’t especially interesting villains, but (spoiler) the series does eventually address this. 

7. Middlegame by Seanan McGuire (Full Review Here) 

So I really like the concept behind this one -- twins created by shady alchemical experiments get tossed into the real world in order to observe their natural development. While intentionally kept apart, they manage to find each other nevertheless via telepathy. There’s this grand scheme for the villains to steal the twins’ power and become a god? And at some point the reader realizes there’s time loops and stuff where they’re trying to prevent certain bad endings (hello Zero Escape)? Platonic soulmates?! Just... a lot of interesting stuff going on. I think what kept this from a 9 or a 10 for me is much of the book reads like contemporary coming-of-age fiction, which isn’t what I was looking for with a concept like this. Technically the “ordinary” nature of the first half is a façade because Plot, but... you still have to read through it. 

8. A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson (Full Review Here) 

This is an interesting nonfiction work that summarizes major scientific knowledge in terms a layman can understand. Bryson is actually a travel writer, but consulted dozens of experts in order to write this book and cites the hell out of everything. I think he does a great job presenting accurate and accessible information. Even stuff I learned in school is explained in ways that make more sense than how I was taught-- like ice ages. I also learned lots of interesting facts! My main issue is there’s a heavy focus on individual scientists, many of whom were boring. And while this isn’t the book’s fault, some of the info is outdated. I think this would benefit from a revised edition. 

9. Wolf by Wolf (Wolf by Wolf #1) by Ryan Graudin (Full Review Here) 

Absolutely fuckin’ bonkers concept. Alternate “the Nazis won” history, starring a Holocaust escapee who can skinshift, posing as a professional motorcyclist, trying to compete and win an annual Reich-sponsored race, in order to get a private audience with Hitler and murder the shit out of him? Probably the most surprising thing about the premise is it mostly works. I really like the deliberate pacing through the tense motorcycle race, the level of deception Yael has to maintain, and the harrowing flashback sequences. Sometimes the symbolism is a little heavy-handed, and I wasn’t a huge fan of the generic antagonistic YA love interest character Luka, but overall I was pleasantly surprised by this one. 

10. A Conspiracy of Truths (A Conspiracy of Truths #1) by Alexandra Rowland (Full Review Here) 

This takes place in a fantasy world with analogues to real-world nations. The main character, an old man named Chant, is a professional storyteller who is arrested for supposed witchcraft in the Eastern Europe-esque country of Nuryevet. While it’s clearly a farce, he’s screwed over by the local political system and imprisoned. Faced with possible execution, Chant uses his gift for storytelling to manipulate local powers, and accidentally starts a political revolution in the country. Whoops! 

I liked the book’s meta-commentary on storytelling, and it features a lot of wonderful side-stories told by Chant and other characters. Oddly enough, the economics are super interesting (a trait shared with the sequel). My main criticism is most of the political intrigue goes down off-screen; we just learn about it through other characters. While that makes sense with an imprisoned protagonist, it’s not the most exciting approach. I ended up liking A Choir of Lies more, but this one was still good. 

11. The Serpent Sea (The Books of the Raksura #2) by Martha Wells (Full Review Here)

Boy did I read a lot of Martha Wells this year. This is the last one! This is probably my least favorite of the series; very much a filler/side-story. Nevertheless, it’s an entertaining entry on its own merits. The leviathan city is distinctively gross, and I liked the evil magister antagonist and his creepy-ass museum. This is also where we learn about Chime’s powers, which continue to be relevant through the series. But I don’t have a whole lot to say beyond that. It’s a solid entry that doesn’t change much.

[astrofireworks]

Bless ok I dreamt about this on the plane so bear with me ok consider this: Astro, but as mini guardian angels

MJ

Is the Fite Angel - would totally fight a wall for you

Also 100% talk, about 2% damage

Once tried to square up against a guardian angel double his size – the other angel was just really amused and found MJ really cute and hit his own human on the head for unintentionally hurting someone with such a pure angel

Always has a bright orange halo on

Sometimes when you walk around there’s a strange orange glow from your shirt pocket or on your shoulder or on your cap

It’s really weird sometimes but it’s oddly comforting to you

Halo glows and fades in time with his breathing but also shines really bright when he’s excited and happy

Presses kisses to your forehead when you wake up in the morning

Second most affectionate bean tbh

Presses kisses to your cheek when he’s happy for you too

Always touching you somehow – hand on your neck or hand grabbing your finger or sitting on your shoulder

Just likes to be in contact with you

Zips around your head and hums when excited

Gets excited a lot

Peeks out from the collar of your shirt occasionally to wave hi to other guardian angels

Gets really excited when they wave back

You like someone? Expect excited MJ-created BGM whenever they walk in your vicinity

Your personal hype man tbh

Got an exam? He’s sitting on your eraser cheering you on and supplying sometimes wrong answers

Good hair day? He’s flying around your mirror telling you how good you look

Someone complimented you? He’s zipping over to their guardian angel to give them a high-five

But also gets sleepy really quickly so he’s also often snoozing on your desk or your leg whenever nothing much is going on

Always in pajamas for this reason

Also maintains that pajamas are a fashion statement

You suspect it’s because he’s too lazy to change out into actual clothes

MJ, hissing: “you have no evidENCE”

Jinjin

Is the Worry Angel

Jinjin: “have u eaten breakfast?”

You: um well you know the answer to that

Jinjin: “unacCEPTA B L E GO AND BUY AN ENERGY BAR RIGHT NOW”

Waits for you to sleep before drifting off to sleep too

Prefers to consider things before reacting to them

Argument with someone? Jinjin rubs your cheek and tells you to calm down and think about your options before reacting

Stumped with a hard math question? Jinjin tells you to list all the relevant formulaes at the top of the page to see which one might help

Happy green bean

Smiles a lot at other angels

Happy green bean has happy green beams !!!

Sometimes you mess up unintentionally and the other person’s about to get angry but Jinjin just kind of waves his arm at the other person’s angel and explains something and beams at them and you just see the other person’s eyes soften and remind you not to do it again

Likes to hold some part of your sleeve

Jinjin: “It’s like a bodyguard thing”

You: ???? ok

Whines a little when you try to wear something sleeveless because it means he has nothing to hold onto

Takes the bodyguard thing a bit too seriously sometimes and wears sunglasses and a blazer over his green hoodie

But you love it and it makes you laugh so much

Is generally protective of you, even with your friends and especially with people you seem to like

Jinjin: “uh ok he’s really cute but also he’s failing chemistry – maybe a relationship isn’t the best thing for him to be focussing on right now”

You: o dammit ur right

Depresso espresso? Jinjin’s here to make sure you remember to get up to comb your hair and hydrate yourself

Jinjin, rubbing your hand during anxiety: “they’re not annoyed with you, I think they just need some personal space to deal with their own things for a while”

Also Jinjin, narrowing his eyes: “ok listen i know he’s handsome but the only handsome person I trust here is me”

Loves doggos

It’s incredible

There hasn’t been a dog that doesn’t love Jinjin

If there’s a stray dog in the area, Jinjin’d already be waving at them and flying over to pat its head

And by relation, there hasn’t been a dog that doesn’t love you

As a team you make good money dog-walking and dog-sitting tbh

Eunwoo

Comes from a line of OG angels tbh

Is one of the only two guardian angels in Astro with wings

I mean, the rest can fly too, but you can actually see Eunwoo’s wings beating

Eunwoo: “some great-great-grand-angel nonsense, it wasn’t important so I didn’t listen”

You: ????? ok thanks 4 the info

Has a great voice because of this though

You used to make him tell you bedtime stories or sing night-night songs just so you could fall asleep to his voice

Voice will literally calm you down even if you feel like fidgeting and if you’re not able to focus

Has a light blue, almost pearlescent halo because of this

Hella bright

Tries to tone it down but it’s like a phone-screen-in-the-middle-of-a-darkened-cinema kind of bright

Tends to wear darker colours to balance out the intensity of his glow

Not that anyone complains because he looks good in dark blue

“He looks good in everything” is the general consensus actually

When he wants to look threatening he pulls out The White Coat and that’s when you know he Means Business

Mostly solves problems with his smile and reasoning though

Is also a Worry Angel

Hovers around your eye level nearly all the time

Reminds you to do your homework and go to meetings

“have you printed the readings yet??”

“are you sure you submitted that form?? It’s due today!!”

Cries sometimes when you cry because he’s disappointed in himself for letting something make you sad

Truly just a soft

Giggly bean

Blushes when someone flirts with you

Tries to tell you how to flirt back but ends up giggling and hiding behind your neck as the other person’s angel watches in amusement  

Giggles for no reason too; you’d normally mind but his laugh is so musical and cute you can’t bring yourself to care

Also likes tucking stray strands of hair behind your ears and then laughing to himself because you’re cute

You: ?????????? ok but I’m literally a potato

Eunwoo: “UR CUTE”

Helps you study

Makes you face the wall as he reads from flash cards

You also have to lay them out on the table for him because he’s too small to shift so many of them at once

Whispers formulaes from memory during exams then looks around guiltily even though he’s made it such that nobody can hear him anyway

Moonbin

Likes sleeping in your hair

Claims it’s soft and warm but you suspect it’s because he likes giving off the somewhat creepy impression that the top of your head’s glowing deep red

If you’re wearing a cap he’s most likely sitting with his feet dangling off the lid

Is the Actual Definition of Fite Angel

Ready to square up the moment someone insults you

Gives the best glares and gets most people to leave you alone if you’re not feeling up to human contact

Hella effective during concerts when there are people pushing up against you

Or when all you want to do is be alone tbh

Alternates between wearing office shirts and pants and scrappy hoodies depending on his mood

When he’s in the formal shirt and he rolls up his sleeves he looks so casually menacing you’re glad he’s on your side

And if he’s in a hoodie and he pushes up his sleeves and his eyes glow ed he looks dangerous and practised you’d almost be alarmed

Except you also know he hasn’t fought anyone since you were five so really, he’s just a big softie

Is also actually the softest bean

Will rub your cheek with sweater paws to soothe you

Will snuggle into your neck during class “because it’s warm”

Occasionally peers at things with his glasses and reads them wrongly on purpose anyway just to make you laugh

Will press kisses on your nose to comfort you and tell you it’s alright

Cries during emotional movies and makes you cuddle him

Sings you to sleep sometimes if he remembers to control his volume and not get too carried away

Flirty af too

Drops smooth and non-cheesy pick-up lines to other angels

You get alarmed sometimes with the sheer amount he drops because you’re not interested in the other person – what if they get the wrong idea???

Bin just pats your shoulder and tells you It’s okay and that it’s better to keep the angels on your good side in case you ever need help

But also gets mildly flustered when they flirt back so like ?? Moonbin what is the truth

Is probably a cat whisperer

Everytime you head home there’s always a stray cat that pops up out of nowhere to follow you

Bin, cooing over it and rubbing its head: “CAN WE KEEP IT”

You: ?????????? we can’t afford it Binnie

Bin, with watery eyes, whispering to the cat: “perhaps next time, buddy”

It’s alarming, to say the least

Rocko

Great adviser

Most of the time, anyway

Will give good advice because he’s quietly observing most of the time

Rocko: “no don’t partner up with her, I heard her bragging to her friend about freeloading off her project partner last week”

You: ??? woAH okay thanks for the heads-up

Also Rocko: “ok yeah I think it’s fine to microwave the whole egg right?? Are there instructions on the carton???? Maybe stick it in a metal bowl so it’d at least explode safely when it’s in the microwave???????”

please don’t do this kids

Calm and Collected

If Jinjin and Eunwoo were the Worry Angels, he’s the Calm one

Rocko: “no need to double check, I remember you’ve already submitted it”

Anxiety? Rocko’s here to stamp his love all over you and validate you

Upsetto spaghetto? Rocky’s here to listen to you rant

Also an excited bean

When he sees cool stuff he’d zip off to see it and leave an indigo trail behind him for you to follow

Most of the time it’s someone dancing or it’s some cool beat that has you moving your feet as well

Sometimes it’s some cool new thing in a shop and you see him with his nose pressed against the glass and eyes wide

Gets hyped with you when you’re doing things you like

Learns fanchants to all your favourite songs and chants them along with you

Learns the choreo too, for good measure

Bounces all over the place when you meet someone who likes the same things you do

Likes to ride on your shoulder because it means he can see everything coming and can listen to a great deal more than you can notice

Saved you a couple times too

Once put up glowing indigo barrier (that you banged your forehead against, thank you very much) to prevent you from taking a step just moments before a car rolled to a stop in front of you

Rapped you on your head a couple times to make you focus on where you’re walking instead of daydreaming

Doesn’t quite know what to do with himself when someone you like appears

Rocko: “she’s cute o no what do we do”

You: ?????? idk man help me out here

Rocko, already buried somewhere in your shirt:

You: she’s gettinG CLOSER ROCKY HELP

Rocky, face red: “ur on ur oWN WITH THIS ONE”

Sanha

Happy glowy yellow giraffe

Flaps his wings a bit too much when he gets excited and ends up shooting in random directions

Sometimes also stumbles over his own feet and has to catch himself with his wings

It’s cute sometimes but mostly alarming how many times he’s tumbled into things and you’ve had to pick him up

The only other one in Astro to have wings is Eunwoo, so Sanha figures he’s probably part OG-angel somewhere along the line too

Except with none of Eunwoo’s grace, he figures he’s too tall for that shit so he isn’t even going to try

Prefers to sit on your shoulder too

Just so he can talk directly into your ear

Also it’s more comfortable to have his guitar floating directly next to him so he can grab it out of thin air whenever

Sometimes he likes to peek out from the collar of your shirt too because it’s warm

Also because he thinks it’s cute that it makes it look like your heart is actually glowing gold

Likes making music with you

You could be humming a song or whatever and Sanha’d pull his guitar up and sing along

Full out jam sessions !!!!

Ends up with you both staring at your undone homework and sighing

At least it means you don’t have to put on study music because Sanha’s basically your personal guitar player

A pure bean with good intentions but questionable execution

Remembers really ridiculous things that somehow ?? has saved some of your social interactions

Likes to cheer you up with made up stories that somehow end up with people dying

Also the most affectionate angel

Tells you every day that you’re loved and appreciated

Highkey needs to be in contact with you all the time 

Will hold your finger when you’re doing work 

Will snuggle into your neck when you fall asleep

Will kiss you on the forehead, on the nose, on the cheek at random times 

It tickles sometimes but it makes you giggle though, so really,

And as with all my profiles with Sanha: Talk Shit Get Hit

Announces the weirdest things sometimes

Sanha: “yo I bet you haven’t had this song stuck in your head for a while”

Sanha, proceeding to play said song on his guitar

You, groaning:

Also tends to mention said weird things at the worst of times

Sanha, giggling in the middle of an exam: “don't look now but I just saw your professor pick his nose”

You, seriously about to cry:

[coolgreatwebsite]

Wonder Boy (2010)

Editor’s Note: This article is about a video, if you don’t want to read the whole history I’ve generously written out just for you (yes, you!) at least head to the very bottom and watch it because oh MAN. Also, very special thanks to the Something Awful Retro Game Thread’s Random Stranger for getting this whole nightmare snowball rolling with a lot of the initial info and digging.

I feel like making this post is just asking for the subject matter to disappear, but my desire to share this is too strong. If you’ve looked at this website before, you’ve probably realized I like old video games. I can’t say Wonder Boy has been a series I’ve cared about outside of finally playing and really liking Wonder Boy 3 and Monster World 4 semi-recently, but there’s one thing that’s kept the series in my mind for the past 4 or so years. Actually, I’m getting way ahead of myself here. Any of y’all remember Chakan the Forever Man?

Chakan is a real piece of shit Sega Genesis game that managed to be mildly successful mostly by just kinda being there while the system was hitting full steam in America. It managed to make enough of an impression that it still gets brought up in retro game discussions every so often, mostly in the context of “remember that trash fire?”, but there’s one person in particular who refuses to let the Forever Man die: Chakan’s creator, Robert A. Kraus.

I’m not sure how many people who ended up playing Chakan and never thinking about it again realized this, but it’s actually a licensed game based on a comic book series that started sometime in the 80s! The word is that Ecco the Dolphin creator Ed Annunziata met Kraus (or RAK, as he signs his work) at a comic convention and the two somehow ended up collaborating on a Genesis game from there. The game came out, Annunziata and the rest of the world moved on, but RAK remains dedicated to Chakan. And you know what? More power to him. His aggressively late-90s website’s Chakan section is packed full of attempts to keep the property relevant, from new comics to board games, and as much as I think Chakan is maybe not so great on any level I admire his drive. RAK is not who I’m here to talk about. The true subject of our particular story can be found within the weirdest attempt at making Chakan hit it big, the Chakan the Forever Man movie. Specifically, we're here to talk about its combination Star/Director/Writer/Producer/Editor. Enter Robin Morningstar.

There’s not really a clean “origin story” for Morningstar that I can find online, but the scarce info that is available pretty much tells you everything you need to know. His IMDB page attaches him to six movies, of which he is Actor/Writer/Producer/Editor/Director on five. His sole interview about the project paints a vivid picture of an undeservedly egotistical independent filmmaker, especially when combined with this deleted comment (fortunately preserved by Something Awful poster wa27). The only surviving image of the Chakan movie (above) looks like something my friends would have made in high school. All of this is funny, but admittedly not TOO crazy outside of the fact that someone decided to make a bad movie that can be sorta tied back to an obscure-ish Genesis game. But if you take a closer look at that IMDB page, that’s where things start to get interesting. The first film Robin Morningstar is attached to is... Wonder Boy? And his biography page (almost assuredly written by the man himself) says he worked on it with... Uwe Boll?!

I’m being a little anachronistic by putting in a picture that was only available after the fact, but the trailer was the first thing that was found and it doesn’t seem to be online anymore so it’s a stand-in for that. Anyway. Digging deeper initially raises more questions. If Boll was involved, why didn’t he get a director credit? The movie appears to be entirely computer generated and at a level of quality that almost seems like an actual joke, so how did he even factor into it at all? As usual, information is scarce but just enough is there to piece things together. First, and most importantly, a defunct print-to-order Amazon listing confirms that this does exist and isn’t some weird fever dream. The entry on Morningstar’s bio mentions the film was “jinxed”, and the film’s trivia section references a news story in Retro Gamer Magazine issue 51. A quick google search reveals the “news story” was actually an (EXTREMELY buckwild) interview with Morningstar from about two years before the film’s release that goes into how Morningstar and Boll were having trouble getting the Wonder Boy rights from Sega and Westone. Wonder Boy’s IMDB FAQ gives the final word, saying that Boll left the project after failing to secure the rights, leaving Morningstar to take the helm and release an unauthorized CGI version two years later that was still about Wonder Boy and also named Wonder Boy.

With that mystery solved and nothing beyond the trailer to be found, the Wonder Boy movie seemed doomed to the obscurity of a funny sequence of forum posts and the occasional outside person seeing the IMDB entry and going “wait, they made a Wonder Boy movie?” However, the sequence of discovering all of this formed a sort of unbreakable link between Chakan and the Wonder Boy movie in my mind. If I ever saw Chakan get brought up for some reason, I kind of HAD to say “oh hey, did you know the Chakan guy still makes Chakan and some weirdo made a Chakan movie and also a hellishly awful looking CGI Wonder Boy movie?” That would always be the first thing I’d think of.

Flash forward to today, where Chakan was mentioned in a Discord server I’m in. I did the usual “haha oh boy get a load of this” routine, only this time I couldn’t find the trailer. What I found instead was a “review” of the movie on YouTube, uploaded 10 months ago. It’s one of the most 1000% unfunny things I’ve ever seen so I’m not going to even link it, it splices in some footage of some Spanish show and fake subtitles over them and it’s just really not worth even glancing at. But I noticed it was using footage that wasn’t from the trailer. Then I saw it. At the bottom of the description, under the “show more” button, was a link to another YouTube video. An unlisted YouTube video on a different account, uploaded in 2015. It was lying hidden for two years. I’m so happy to finally say this.

Please enjoy the entirety of the 2010 feature length motion picture Wonder Boy.