#but that’s not true!! I’m just very alloromantic & I think people are so cute & I love the idea of all the alloromantic stuff!

[littlebirdy0301]

I’ve been single for 4 months after a 3.5 year long relationship & I just now realized an exciting development of my singleness!! I’m into people again!!!! I find people cute without feeling the need to distance myself!! I’m attracted to more than just fictional characters & people I’ll never meet!!! There’s cute people everywhere all around me!!!!!!! & thinking about dating doesn’t make me feel exhausted!!!!!!

[aromantic-official]

im aro and my friends know this. in stark contrast my two best friends are almost always in a relationship and if they aren’t they’re usually talking to someone new. i’ve new told i’m quite stand offish when being approached romantically so i don’t get asked out nearly as much as they do to begin with. when they’re in between partners, they tend to discuss how worthless and insecure and ugly it makes them feel to no longer have that romantic validation, even though they acknowledge that is (1/2)

(2/2) that is logically not true. i know it isn’t intended to make me sad but although i don’t WANT relationship, i get less attention than them & i don’t think they realise that though i’m aro i feel just as worthless as them. i feel even worse bc even when ppl approach me i don’t get the validation that comes w the relationship. i don’t want to discourage them from talking to me ab their relationships bc it’s usually not an issue for me but i was wondering if you had advice for handling this?

I struggle with the exact same issue; you’re not alone. We are taught from a young age that romance, dating, and all the drama that comes with it are natural parts of growing up, and all romantic attention is good and desired, which is unhealthy for so many people. Regardless of how long you’ve known you’re aro, you may think a lack of people asking you out or having crushes on you may mean you’re unattractive, undesirable, unworthy, unlikable, and other detrimental things. I know I feel something along the lines of “If I’m a nice/good/friendly person, then why aren’t there more people asking me out? Am I not good enough to deserve that kind of affection?” I have these thoughts even though I would feel uncomfortable (at best) if romantic affection was aimed at me. It’s terrible for sure, and can certainly make you feel worthless.

The problem here is that self-worth is linked to romantic pursuit, when that’s an unhealthy, yet very common, mindset. Quite a few of my friends are just like yours, and they don’t slip out of those thoughts easily. A good technique to use with them, and with yourself, is gentle reinforcement of good qualities, as independent, uncoupled people. For example: You do not need a partner to be a good person; You don’t need another person to be whole, good, and complete; I like you, and I think you’re [insert personal good quality]; You’re pretty/handsome/cute regardless of whether someone’s telling you that or not; etc. Many insecure or just habitual alloromantic people fall into romantic relationships as a way of reinforcing their self-worth, so don’t be discouraged if they don’t come around. Just know that you’re not the only aro going through this, and you’re far from worthless.

- Mod Harley